Tag: cocaine

Malice The Band That Almost Killed Us All Pt 8: The Languishing Life Of Being On The Road

May 16th:

The Members of Malice regained Consciousness on the Tour Bus with No Recollection whatsoever  of How They came to be on the Bus, But in Malice’s World it was a Common Occurrence. The Band’s Manager Harold Slickmann had simply had the Roadies Load the Band back onto the Bus just like with Their Instruments and Associated Gear. Somewhere   around the Second Pitcher of Bloody Mary’s the Bands Bassist Ook announced an Immediate Emergency Band Meeting along with the Band’s Guitarist Ick. At the Meeting Slickmann Spoke on Behalf of the Introverted Twins as He Felt it would make the Discussion Easier in the End.

Apparently Ick and Ook aka The Oaklund Brothers had always felt that in Fact they were Siamese Twins Trapped in to Separate Bodies. They had been feeling this way for some Time now, and wanted to Inform the Band that Based on Their Feelings the Brothers were Scheduled to have a Shady and Risky Elective Experimental Surgery. The Twins Flight to Puruvia which was the Only Country in the Entire World that Allowed the Controversial Procedure, and the Tour Bus was currently in Route to the Nearest International Airport.

           

Once there The Brothers would Fly 76 Hours Straight to Puruvia where Tomorrow (due the Insanity of International Time Zones) They would Undergo what was called a “Conjoinectomy”. A Conjoinectomy was a Fringe Science Surgery in which the Twins would be Attached Together so to Speak Transforming Them into Siamese Twins. The Brothers had Not Only Felt Severed from One another They also Believed They were Destined to be Siamese as well.

Since the Twins would thus be Conjoined The Brothers would Not be Returning to Join Malice, and Instead They would be going on Hiatus Indefinitely. Malice Dropped the Brothers off at the Roy “Boy” Baritone International Airport, Bid Them Farewell, and Hit The Road to Find The Oakerlund Brothers Replacements.

May 17th:

Malice pulled into Bangor Maine’s Arctic Circle Stadium so goddamn Early in the Morning the Band was still fucking Partying from the Night Before. After doing Endless Rails of 99.9% Pure Colombian Fish Scale Cocaine the Band was Amped to Audition Their New Guitarist and Bassist. The Band was a bit Dismayed to find out there were No Actual Auditions since this was a rather Last Minute Dilemma. So in Lou of Live Auditions Slickmann had Spent all Night Soliciting Previous Interested Parties as it were. The Band was so Tweaked on Cocaine They could barely Focus on the Task at Hand. Considering They didn’t feel the Need to Read through a Ton of Applicants Resumes decided instead to just Leave the Decision to Slickmann to Select Malice’s next Guitarist and Bassist for Them.

            

Slickmann didn’t mind this Idea as a matter of Fact He thought it utterly Delightful since there wouldn’t be any Bullshitting, Ego, Envy, Or Intoxicated Outbursts of Difference of Opinion to Deal with. Slickmann took the better part of an Hour peruse the Applications and Resumes alike and made His Selection of the Replacement Musicians. Slickmann reassembled the Band in the Stadiums Executive Suite to make the Announcement of the New Members. Slickmann told the Band that For Bassist He had chosen MC Satanic Semen who was a Prominent Member of Australia’s Underground Brutal Horrorcore Scene for the Last few Years with a Growing Cult Like Fan Base. MC Satanic Semen had played in Such Horrorcore Pioneering Bands such as Vicious Bollocks, Cunt Fart, Assgasm, Mangled Mangina, Asshat, Shitting Blood, Cumming Feces, and Fist Fucking Fuckers.

The Band thought bringing MC Satanic Semen was a inovative New Idea to keep the Band Evolving, and Rock Harder it turned out had collaborated with several Horrorcore/Brutal Horrorcore Musicians during His Career. Murphy also turned out to be a Fan of the Horrorcore Genre as well so Slickmann couldn’t have been Happier with the Results. Next Slickmann Unveiled His Guitarist Selection which was Dominick Disorder Who was a Prolific Grindcore Musician from Europe. Dominick had played in Bands such as Retarded Dildo, Shit Covered Cocks, Ice Pick Prostitute, Torture Maggot, Putrid Cunnilingus, NecroCunt, and Erotic Vomit. He had also done more Collaborations with other Grindcore Groups/Musicians with such names as Screaming Ejaculation, Fuck and You, Barbwire Cock Ring, Solo Shit, Bloody Bowel Syndrome, Shitting Soup, and Vaginal Vomit.

           

Again the Band thought this was a good Strategic Move since They had been reading a Variety of Articles on Them and They weren’t Happy with what They were Reading in the Least. The Consensus being Malice was Nothing more than a Dime a Dozen Party Band Who whole Musical Repertoire consisted of Songs about Drinking, Girls, Partying, and Sex. Malice had recently been compared to Several 1980’s Hair/Glam Bands like Montley Crew, Kiss, and Poison. Thus Malice was looking to Beef Up Their Reputation and Musical Street Cred and Hiring a Well Known Grindcore Guitarist along with a Prolific Horrorcore Bassist would definitely  make People Sit Up reconsider Their Opinion of the Band. Now with Their New Guitarist and Bassist in Tow Malice headed off to Sound Check.

May 18th:

That Nights Show was the Definition of Chaotic, but Luckily the Audience were Accepting of Dominick Disorder as the Band’s New Guitarist. Unfortunately the Sediment was Not the Same as Far as MC Satanic Semen was concerned. His primary issue was He was playing all the Malice Songs in  Horrorcore (which was an Interesting Idea) the Problem was He was the Only One in Malice doing so. The Conflicting sound didn’t sit well at all with the Increasingly Frustrated Audience. As the Set went on the Audience became increasing Combative as They started Yelling Insults, and Throwing all kinds of Shit onto the Stage (and at The Members of Malice Themselves).

              

Malice for Their part bobbed and weaved like Professional Boxers to Avoid being Hit while Still Playing at the Same Time. Finally after a Disastrous set Malice made Their way Directly from the Stage to Their Tour Bus as Fast as Fuck. The Fans were Confused and had grown Frustrated, and from the Frustration The Fans had grown Agitated to a Great Degree. As Security Stepped in to Help Evacuate the Premises before a Possible Riot Erupted. Needless to Say the Concert Promoters where Furious and Wanted Their Money Back. They claimed Malice had Failed in Their Performance Duties Resulting in Fans Demanding a Refund from the Promotor who wasn’t about to Lose Money on a Deal gone Sideways.

            

Luckily for Malice( since They were in the Process of Hiring a New Bassist and Guitarist) The Band’s Lawyer TR McCoy discovered a discrepancy in Malice’s Contract. The Discrepancy was the Band had never actually Signed the Contracts in Full, that is the New Members hadn’t signed the Contract in all the Chaos to get Ready for said Concert. Without all 5 Signatures the Contract was Rendered Null and Void. Malice Celebrated Their Dodging yet Another Bullet, and Partied Late into the Night Butt Chugging  Pol Roger Sir Winston Churchill Champagne which at the Time Retailed for $1,175 a Bottle.

May 19th:

Malice had the Day of on the Road since They had to Travel from Bangor Maine to the Village of Mound in Louisiana for the Next Show. The Main Topic on Everyones Mind was MC Satanic Semen’s impromptu Horrorcore Renditions of Malice Songs during a Live Show. The Band dressed Their Concerns with MC who for His Part of insanely Self Righteous and Far Beyond Defensive. His view was He was providing a New Innovation of Sorts, and it wasn’t His Fault that the Rest of the Band failed to Follow Suit. Malices argument was Obviously MC’s Stunt had Rattled Their Fans into Malice Almost Not Getting Pain for the Concert. Still the Fiasco would Undoubted Haunt Malice in Booking Future Shows as Promotors would Now consider Them a Higher Risk.

MC was Adamant that It wasn’t His fault but Malice’s for being so fucking Unoriginal They could see a Good Concept when it was Right in Front of Them. Malice’s Manager Harold Slickmann could see the Writing on the Wall from a Mile Away and MC had To Go Immediately. Slickmann then Talked to McCoy to see if there was any Legal Recourse the Band could take to End Their Affiliation with MC without creating a Shitshow. Again Malice managed to Dodge Yet Another Bullet since MC hadn’t signed the Contract using His Legal God Given Name (Which was Gilbert Melvin), and had opted to Sign the Band Contract which again Nullified the Contract letting Malice completely off the Hook. MC was informed of His Mistake when Signing the Contract and Thus He was Fired on the Spot.

MC was fucking Livid since He had just put His Musical Career (aka Other Musical Endeavors) to Play Solely with Malice, and Now He felt Cheated more or Less Out of His Money, Time, and Talent. So Enraged and Insulted by the Firing MC Started to Rant Uncontrollably airing Every Grievance He apparently ever Had most of Which had Absolutely Nothing to Due with Malice (Seriously He was Only in the Band just Short of 72 Hours Total). During His Rant MC strode over to a Toolbox that had been left by Accident on the Tour Bus by an Absent Minded Roadie/Jack of all Trades. MC removed a Large Drill from inside of the Toolbox and Calmly Plugged it In while Continuing His Ranting and Raving. Once the Drill had Power MC started incessantly Babbling about How if His Creativity was going to Be Stifled by Anyone it would BE Him and Him Alone. MC then Proceeded to Prove His point as it were by Lobotomizing Himself with the Drill. The Blood Splatter decorated the Bus so it looked more like a Slaughterhouse than a Tour Bus.

         

Malice decided the Best thing to due in this Scenarios was to Simply Drop the Freshly Lobotomized MC off at the Nearest Psychiatric Ward, and Then Hose out the Blood on the Bus. After They did as They had Planned Malice Hit the Road Again heading for Louisiana.

May 20th:

Malice’s Tour Bus rolled into the Village of Mound in Louisiana around 9am to find that Mound had No Hotel/Motels. In Fact there was a Whole Hell of a lot of Anything really. Malice quickly found out the Reason Why the Thing about Mound was the Population of Mound was Exactly 14 People (Who were all Relatives) Total. This didn’t Phase Malice as far as the Show was Concerned. They were met by Mound’s current Mayor Elisa Elder who escorted the Band to the rather Small Hand Built Stage Located behind the Old Hotel which had been Bought and Converted into a Private Residence. It just so Happened the Residents of the Old Hotel (Now referred to as The Hotel House) were Rabid Malice Super Fans and the Concert had been Their Idea. The Village had put it to a Vote and the Results were 11-2 in Favor of The Concert.

The Problem facing Malice/The Concert was Malice had just Dropped Their Last Bassist Off at a Psych Ward after He Lobotomized Himself to make a Point. As Lady Luck Smiled Upon the Band Once More a Young Man Named Eli Elder the Son of the Mayor was Big Malice Fan knowing each and Every Song Malice had Ever Done. Eli just so Happened to be a Bass Player without a Band so Malice had Eli sit in on Bass for that Evenings Show.

           

That Evening Malice took the Carpenter’s Special of a Stage and Played Their Entire 2 Hour Set followed by an Additional Hour of Encores. Malice ended up Staying in Mound overnight (which was Highly Unexpected considering Malice tended to be Higher Maintenance) as Guests in Various Residents Home until They Departed the Following Morning for Moscow Arkansas.

May 21st:

As Malice was on They’re way to Moscow Arkansas The Band’s Manager Harold Slickmann on the Phone Deperately trying to Aquire Yet another Bassist. Literally at the Last possible fucking Second Slickmann Contacted His Associate Walt Wheeler at AllStar Entertainment. As it Turned Out One of Wheeler’s Bands Dolphin Rape Cave He had Signed had just Broken Up unexpectedly  so He called up  DRC’s Bassist Oscar Illegal. Oscar as the case would be was Bored as Shit since His Band well Disbanded as it were, and He jumped at the Chance to Get back on the Road Touring. Malice passed the Phone around like a Bong each Member taking a minute or two to Chat with Oscar before Voting Unanimously to Bring Oscar on Board as the Band’s New New Bassist.

            

Slickmann scheduled a Private Plane to Pick Up Oscar and Fly Him to Louisiana ASAP. Once He reached the Airport Malice would swing on by and Pick Him Up in the Tour Bus before Heading to theat Night’s Gig. Slickmann’s Plan went off without a Hitch, and Malice was soon sitting Back Stage at the Alister Arena in Their Dressing Room preparing for Sound Check. After Sound Check Malice was Psyched by Ocscar’s Performance as He didn’t miss a single Note, and had one Hell of a Stage Pressence. To Avoid a predicament like the One in Bangor Maine Slickmann used every Minute at the Arena before the Show to Put up Promotional Posters promoting Oscar as the Band’s New Bassist Phenomenon. This was an Attempt to Build a Positive Response to Oscar Joining Malice, and to Distract from the Issue of Fans Nit Picking the Fact Oscar was Another New Bassist in the Mix.

            

The Ruse Worked and as Fans came Filing in for the Show They reacted very Positive pertaining to Oscar’s Arrival as the Newest Member of Malice. The Show was a Bonafide Success by Anyone’s Standards ending with a 16,000 Person Standing Ovation that Lasted 47 Minutes Straight. After the Guinness Worthy Standing Ovation Malice Treated the Audience to One Final Song Their first Ht Single “We’re Here Where’s The Beer!” which led to a Second Standing Ovation that Lasted just Over an Hour. Malice invited the Entire 16,000 Fans in Attendance to Join them for an After Concert Tail Gating Party in the Arena’s Vast Parking Lot. Malice Partied the rest of the Night Away with Their enthusiastic Fans Funneling Countless Beers and Snorting 2 Bottles of Adderall a Piece.

May 22nd:

For Legal Reason All Record of May 22nd’s “Activities” Fall Under a Non Discourse Agreement.

May 23rd:

Malice had the Day Off for some seriously Needed Serious R and R at The World Famous LuxurioUS Hotel Drummer Rock Harder being the Senior member of the Band Currently was Feeling Beat Up from all the Years of Partying Hard on the Road (As well a sin General to be Honest). He kept complaining about How He Felt like Mick Mars in Motley Crue. This was alluding to the Fact Mick Mars being significantly Older than the Other Members of the Crue. So Rock decided to spend the Day off Having a Facelift, and Made an Appointment for Later that Afternoon at The Prestigious Alexander Vanity Plastic Surgery Center.

Oscar Illegal still Amped from ingestion an Entire Bottle of Adderall 2 Nights ago decided that He would take Rest to a New Level by Sleeping for the Entire Rest of the Day (which was approximately 22 Hours at that Point), and to do So He’d have to counter act the Adderall First and Foremost. Oscar came to the Conclusion the Best course of Action would be Injecting Enough Heroin to Legitimately Kill a fucking Circus Elephant.

            

Guitarist Dominick “Dom” Disorder Lounged by the Pool downing Singapore Sling like He had Two Hollow Legs. It was One after the Other in a Continuous Line of Unending Cocktails from Sun Up to Sunset. Other than Tempting Fate with a Case of Alcohol Poisoning Dom spent the Leisurely Day trying to get Laid. Normally a Famous Musician would be Swarmed by Groupies, Yet Dominick was Also a rather recent Addition to Malice. For that Reason the Groupies Didn’t Associate Him with the Band.

Lead Singer Murphy “Thunderbolt” Gibbons had a Private Physician come to the Hotel for a Medical Procedure. Murphy had the Physician Scrape His Vocal Cords, Well Clean them might be a Better way of Putting it. Since Murphy Smoked 2 Packs of Black Lung Cigarettes, Drank Whiskey like a Fish, and had a Penchant for Partying with Hardcore Street Drugs His Vocal Cords were Encased in Ton of Toxic and Corrosive Crap. After the Scraping/Cleaning the Physician Shot Murphy’s Vocal Cords with a Heavy Dose of Anabolic Steroids, Human Growth Hormones, and Humming Bird Blood. Once the Procedure was Done Murphy Spent the rest of the Day Staring t the Static on the TV in His Room Doped Up on Painkillers and Still quite woozy from the Anesthesia.

              

May 24th:

As Malice Piled off of Their Tour Bus at the AmpaStar Amphitheater in Mississippi They ran into Their Opening Act Carnivore. The Two Bands Stopped for a While to Bullshit and Drink Beer Backstage. They Two Bands got along Famously which was Rare for Malice since They could be Extremely Standoffish, Judgmental, Stubborn, and Pig Headed. They Two Bands were having such a Great time just hanging the fuck Out Killing Beers They forgot They were there to put on a Show. The Members of Malice and Carnivore were Actually Slapped Back to Reality by Malice’s Manager Harold Slickmann Who Carried a Heavy Pimp Hand.

The Show was a Unmitigated Success that End with all the Members of Both Bands on Stage playing Various Covers requested by the Audience. Unfortunately the Crowd worked Themselves not a Frenzy and started setting off a Small Arsenal of Fireworks. This Pissed off the Promoter to No End as He worried about Property Damage and Fires ravaging His Precious Amphitheater. On Top of that The Police were None to Happy Either about the Situation to say the Least. All the Smoke, Flashing Lights, and Additional Noise made it damn Near Impossible for the Police to Actually Police the Crowd of Overly Exuberant Fans.

            

Alls well that Ends Well and Once the Show was Over No One had been Injured, The Amphitheater was still Standing (and in good shape all things considered), and No One was Arrested.

May 25th:

Malice was due to Play a Sold Out Show at the Mississippi Motorway, but where Forced to Cancel due to Circumstances Beyond Their Control. What Happened was while en route to the Motorway Malice had been Taking Massive Bong Rips of a Incredibly Potent Strain of Marijuana called “Zombiefier”. The Weed got its name because of its Insanely High THC Percentage (97.9%) Smoking it Resulted in the Smoker becoming So Stoned it felt as if They had become an Actual fucking Zombie.

It was Rock’s Turn and He Inhaled a Lung Exploding Cloud of Smoke which Upon Exhalation caused Him to Start Coughing like Crazy. The Problem was Rock was still Recovering from His Recent Facelift and all of the Gut Wrenching Coughs Aggravated His Stitches. It got so Bad that the Post Bong Hit Cough caused Rock’s Surgical Stitches to Pop unbeknownst to Rock and the Rest of the Band. Finally Rock’s Rib Cracking coughing resulted in Rock’s Face to Slip off onto the Floor of the Bus.

           

The Band’s Manager Harold Slickmann Instantly Jumped into Action and Took Hold of the Situation. He snatched Rock’s Now Disembodied Face up off the Bus Floor and Stuffed it Tightly Between a Couple of Beers in Malice’s Cooler. Thanks to the Weed Rock was far too High to Freak the fuck out over having No Face as it were, and Kept Him Calm keeping Rock from going into Shock. Slickmann Rifled through a Copy of the Yellow Pages until He located the Nearest Hospital and gave the Driver the Directions. The Driver put the Peddle to the Metal and within mere Minutes Malice’s Tour Bus was pulling up in front of the D. Rockefeller Hospital’s Emergency Room. Rock was hurried directly into Surgery and Thanks to Slickmann’s quick thinking Rock’s Face was able to be Reattached without Issue.

May 26th:

Since Rock’s Face would Need to Heal Malice decided to do Something Unorthodox and completely Unconventional. Malice came to the Conclusion that They should put the American Leg of Their Tour on Hold, and Travel to Australia which was the First Destination on the World Tour. Then once Rock had Healed Properly, and The World Tour was Over Malice would Return to the Untied States at Which Time They would Complete The Remainder of the Shows in America. This way Rock could Recoup while the Band managed to still Stay on Tour without Interuption or Issue.

            

Slickmann approved of the Idea and got the Band’s Lawyer TR McCoy to Start working on Amending the Contracts as well as contacting Promoters. Slickmann came up with the Idea that to Accommodate the Fans who would have to Now Wait for the Rescheduled Concert Dates by Giving Them Free Merchandise as way of a Consolation Prize for the Inconvenience. The Way Slickmann pulled this off put out a Press Release informing the Public of the New Abbreviated Tour Schedule, and that Every Fan who attended a Rescheduled Show would Receive a Free Malice T-Shirt and a Free Beer.

Then Slickmann called the Up In The Air Private Jet Company to Reserve a Private Plane for Malice’s Trip to Australia. Since the Sudden Schedule Change Malice’s Own Private Jet was still sitting at Aero Plane’s Private Jet Hanger in California which was the Original Location for Malice’s World Tour Departure. Slickmann Booked the Biggest Private Jet there was a 747-8i Boeing Business Jet.

           

May 27th:

Malice Loaded onto the 747-8i at 8pm with Great Gusto and Enthusiasm since They had Offered Carnivore to be Their Opening Act for the Remainder of the Tour. Of Course Carnivore was more than Happy to Sign on the Tour and Met up with Malice at Mississippi’s Greenville Airport. The Two Groups were more then Pleased to be back in Each Others Company, and Boarded the Plane and got Straight to Partying. There were Silver Platters Piled High with Obscene amounts of Cocaine, the was Alcohol Flowing Freely, and Carnivore had brought along a Quarter Pound of Fresh Magic Mushrooms (Shrooms). The Band Members Got High, Got Drunk, and Got Laid having brought an Entourage of Female Groupies along with Them.

Meanwhile Harold Slickmann and TR McCoy worked on Formulating the Best Strategy to turn the Current Chaos into a Money Making Machine.

           

May 28th:

Since the Flight From Greenville Mississippi took a Whopping 40 Hours and  Malice and Carnivore continued Partying Hard during the Entire Flight to Australia.

May 29th:

Malice arrived at Australia’s Brisbane Airport at roughly at Noon looking like Day Old Cadavers having Partied to the Point of Delirium. Slickmann had anticipated the Band’s Partying combined with a Hell of a Case of Jet Lag (having Flown half way around the World) and Hadn’t scheduled a Show for that Evening. Malice made a B Line to The Westin Brisbane Hotel where They would be Staying post Haste.

Once at the Hotel The Band’s crashed due to Drug/Alcohol Fueled Exhaustion. By 9 pm most of the Band Members had regained conciseness and started compiling a $57,683 Room Service Bill in Food, Drink, and Additional Services like Massages for Example. By Midnight the Band Members had Assembled on the Roof of the Hotel to Finish off the Shrooms Carnivore had Brought and Stare out Over The City of Brisbane until the Sun came up the Following Morning.

           

The Band met for Breakfast and to discuss Their Schedule with Their Manager Harold Slickmann Over Eggs Benedict and Bloody Mary’s. After Their Breakfast Pow Wow Malice was in the Best Spirits They had been in for a Very Long Time. It Seemed having Carnivore on the Tour had Revitalized Malice breathing New Life into the Band’s Lungs. The Two Bands spent Their Down Time before that Night’s Show getting 8 hour Non Stop Massages of all Kinds Deep Tissue, Shiatsu You Name it They got it Happy Ending and All.

At 6:30 Malice and Carnivore Hopped on Their Tour Bus and drove to that Nights Venue The Munted Civic Center and headed straight into Sound Check. The Audience was whipped into a Frenzy by the Time Carnivore had finished Their Set and Malice Took the Stage. They Opened with Their Classic Party Anthem “Party Till You Puke” ,and Finished with Their Epic Sing-a-Long to Their Hit Single “Keg Stand” to the Delight of the Australian Audience. Malice Spent the Next Several Hours Signing Autographs during a After Show Meet and Greet of Sorts. Malice fell in Love Instantly with Their Loyal and Supportive Australian Fans while Bonding Over Countless Cases of Foster’s.

           

May 30th:

The Bands left Brisbane heading for Logan City Australia for Their Next Show, but having Arrived Early had some time on Their Hands. Since Logan City was relatively close to the Coast The Bands decided to take a Day Trip to the Ocean Shores 90 Minutes Away. This would turn out to be a Major Mistake on Malice’s Part.

Once They had reached Ocean Shores The Band Members hightailed onto the Beach for a Little Fun in the Sun as the Saying Goes. After Eating an Exorbitant amount of Sushi (mainly Ahi Tuna) Carnivores Lead Guitarist Monty Mungman went for a Quick Dip in the Ocean. What Monty had been unaware of is Australia is Home to Great White Sharks, and who Immediately Locked on the Smell of Tuna that was emanating off off Monty’s Hands. Before Monty even knew what Happened a Great White came hurdling up from the Depths and Bite Down on Monty’s Mid section as it Burst from the Water like a Freight Train. Monty was especially thin due to His Outrageous Drug Use which allowed The Great White to Bite Him in Half. Monty’s Lower Body disappeared between the Shark’s Gaping Jaws and Monty’s Top Half Surging with Adrenaline attempted to Swim to Shore. Monty’s Torso didn’t make it more than 10 feet Before it To was Devoured by another Inquiring Great White.

            

Carnivores Drummer Tommy Snare dove into the Water in a Valiant Attempt to Rescue Monty only to have His Right Leg Ripped Off by yet Another Great White for His Trouble. The Life Guards and Paramedics Stormed down the Beach to the Water ready for fucking War. Snare somehow made it back to Shore minus His Leg and was Being Tended To By The Paramedics as the Lifeguards set about scavenging the Left Over Pieces of Monty’s that were Periodically Washing Ashore.

That Evening instead of putting on a Show that evening  the Bands held an Press Conference to Announce the Tragic and Untimely Death of Monty and the Subsequent Injury to Snare. Carnivore for They’re Part of the Tour as Tommy could still Drum with a Prosthetic Leg, and Monty could and would be Replaced as Carnivore insisted the Show Must Go On Regardless.

            

May 31st:

While Carnivore Auditioned a Replacement Lead Guitarist and Their Drummer Tommy was fitted for a Prosthetic Leg things weren’t faring to Well for Malice.

Yesterday during Their Day at the Beach Prior to the Great White Incident Malice Drummer Rock Harder had fallen Asleep in the Sun. Being a Rock Star Rock had forgone Sunscreen figuring Whats the Point anyways He’d be dead of an Overdose before Skin Cancer could Kill Him. Sadly for Rock His Current Reattaching of His Face hadn’t completely Healed, and the Brutal Australian Sun had Sun Burned the Holy Hell Out of Rock’s Face to the Point of Blistering.

           

Slickmann took Rock to the Nearest Plastic Surgeon for an Emergency Consult for His Sun Ravaged Face. The Prognosis was Grim Rock would have to be Flown to a Specialist in Switzerland to undergo a Entire Face Transplant due to the Extensive Sun Damage. Slickmann took Rock back to the Airport and had Him Flown to Switzerland on the Private Jet He had Rented for the Trip. Rock following in the Footsteps of Carnivore Swore to the Gods of Rock’n Roll that He’d return in No Time good as fucking New with His New Face.

Stay Tuned for the Next Insanity Ridden Installment of……

MALICE THE BAND THAT ALMOST KILLED US ALL!

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober (Pt109AmTFS)

The Night Emit Did Too Much Cocaine

I met Emit a Year or so after I graduated from High School who was a Friend of a Friend of Mine. As Time rolled on I became quite good Friends with Emit which was easy to do considering He was Intelligent, Open Minded, Amusing, Mellow, Insanely Friendly, and Sort of Funny in His Own Way. We had several Interests in Common such as Obscure Music and Movies as well as a Shared Contempt for Social Norms, Laws, Rules, Regulations, and Stupid fucking People in General.

One Summer I had Quit My Job working on a Landscaping Crew because the Boss was the most Anal Retentive People I have ever had the Displeasure of Working For. He was one of those Assholes You come across from time to time that’s a Legend in Their Own Mind and No One Else’s. So once I reached My Tolerance Limit I simply Told Him to Go Fuck Himself to Death and Quit on the Spot. Though this Discussion made Me feel Triumphant it also Left Me without a Paycheck and Virtually fucking Broke. About a Day after I quite in the Spectacular Display of “Take this Job and Shove it Up Your Ass You Asshole”  I happened to Run into Emit. He was on the Way to a Local Indie Record Shop in the Town I was currently Residing in, and We had become accustomed to Running into One another frequently.

We walked over to a Real Greasy Spoon of a Diner to get Coffee and Chain Smoke Cigarettes (We have Both since Quite Smoking Tobacco) while We bullshitted about what was New and other Various Shit. I told Him about How I had had it with My cocksucker Boss and How I Quit, but Now needed a New Source of Income Legal or Otherwise. Emit offered to Hook Me up with a Job in a the Neighboring Town Pumping Gas at the Gas Station/ Mechanic Shop where He had been working for just under a Year. I immediately took Him up on the Offer and Went down the Following Morning to Fill out an Application and a On the Spot Interview. Needless to say I got the Job right then and there which was a Huge Relief as My Bank Account was Beyond Depleted at that Point and Rent was coming Due Soon.

           

I won’t lie that was one of the Best Jobs I ever Had My Coworkers were Cool and I had a shit ton of Fun while Working as well as When I wasn’t. One Day Emit and I were scheduled to work the 7am-3pm Morning Shift, but when I arrived at Work to relieve the Night Shift Guy He told Me Emit hadn’t arrived Yet and He hadn’t heard anything from Him either. I wasn’t worry or pissed about it as Being on Time was a Flexible Subject when Working There. It honestly wan’t all that Long Before Emit showed Up looking like Death Warmed Over. Emit stood 5′ 9″ and was Thin as a fucking Rail which made Him look rather Lanky, and a Thick Head of Hair that seriously resembled a Mop. He was Pale and Moving slowly as He greeted Me on His way to Clock in I noticed His eyes were Bloodshot as Shit, and He had Big Old Black Bags under His eyes. The Bags were so promenade it looked as if Emit had been in a Bar fight and gotten His Nose Broken for His Trouble.

I sat as Patiently as I could as Curiosity consumed Me as I ran through countless possible Scenario’s for Why Emit looked like a Sickly Corpse. As My Mind Raced I started to Clock Watch holding out My inevitable Questions in as Long as I could. That way I would at least be able to give Emit the Curtesy of finishing His Coffee which He held Clutched in His right Hand like it Contained the Meaning of fucking Life. Finally Emit took the Last Sip of His Coffee and I immediately and with a Great Deal of Excitement and Anticipation what the fuck Happened to Him. To say I that I sure a Hell wasn’t Entertained Off My Ass by Emit’s Story would be a seriously Grave Understatement. Emit obligedes Me Intense Interest and starts to Tell Me starting the Story off with by informing Me He did Cocaine for the First Time Last Night.

            

Now Don’t ask Me why Perhaps its because We moved in the Same Social Circles I just assumed that Emit had done Cocaine or at Least He had Tried it Once. I can’t Lie I have personally done a shitload of Cocaine in My Life, but to be Brutally Honest I don’t see the Point, and what I mean by that is it’s Far More Trouble than its Actually Worth (Plus there Plenty of Different Drugs One Can Do so Why Settle for Cocaine). Anyway enough about Me let Us get Back to the Story Shall We.

Emit’s Parents apparently had gone out of Town at the Last Minute for Some fucked Up Reason what exactly I don’t remember. Emit now having the Run of the House decided to Phone Up some Friends to come over and Hangout as Emit wasn’t a Party Person. Emit preferred to Entertain Small Groups because He felt it was more Personal and Intimate as Parties generally are Loud, Crowded, and You can’t hear Yourself Think half the Time. One of His Guest arrived with a 8 Ball (3.5 Grams) of What turned out to be Pretty fucking Pure Cocaine. The Night had started off Simply enough as the Quests arrived and People Poured themselves a Stiff Cocktail and Settled in for an Evening with Friends. The Night Progressed as Did the Drinking until People were Sufficiently Drunk enough to Add Drugs to the Mix. Everyone had sat in a Circle as a Small Black Plate with the 8 Ball on it was Passed Around Periodically throughout the Rest of the Night.

            

The Gathering of Friends started to Break up around 1:30am as Guest began to Depart slowly Trickling Out as They had In one or two at a Time. By 2:10 according to Emit it was just Him, His Buddy Tommy and His Girlfriend Alison. The Trio continued to Listen to Music and Chat for a while Longer after the Others had Left until in the end Tommy and Alison had to go as well. Emit now found Himself alone at Home in an Empty House, Rather Drunk, and Tweaking on a Good Bit of Potent Cocaine. One of the Shittiest things about Cocaine is it’s a Blast when everything is Lively and there’s Music Playing as You’re conversing with Friends and all that Social Shit, but Once Your Alone and the Evening is Over IT FUCKING SUCKS. Your fucking Amped Out of Your Mind yet all of the Stimulation that makes it Fun and Entertaining is Gone and all You have is You. Thats when the Negative Side Effects of Cocaine Use become Glaringly Apparent.

You start to become acutely aware of the Physical effects of Cocaine outside of the High that are Far From Pleasant. You feel your heart Pounding like a Sledgehammer against Your chest which instantly makes you start worrying You might be on the Verge of an Overdose. You start to obsesses and Calm Yourself Down, but the More You do the More the Anxiety Eats at You. You can’t sit still but theres nothing to do and no where to go accept inside of Your own head which is Not where one wants to be on Cocaine that’s for fucking sure. You start hearing Noises that make You paranoid on Every Level it’s not always about the Police (though Obviously if You do Drugs and Become Paranoid the Police are a Prime Concern for Most). You start doubting Yourself and Your Previous Decisions which again leads You back to the “Am I going to have a fucking Heart Attack from doing all this Cocaine?” Question.

            

Unfortunately being the First Time Emit did Cocaine and the Fact it was some Good Shit was Utterly Unaware of all of the Aforementioned Unpleasantries. Emit feel directly into the Heart Attack Paranoia and Angst, and began to Panic like a Trapped Rabbit. Everything He tried to Relax Not only Failed Miserably it just made Him more Hyper Focused on the Issue. Once Emit had exhausted every possibility He could think of He remembered that His Next Door Neighbor was in Fact a Medical Doctor. Even though it had gone from the Late Hours of the Night to the Early Hours of the Morning Time Wise, and the fact Emit had Never even said Hello to His Doctor Neighbor didn’t Phase Emits Choice. Emit chose to through Caution to the Wind and Go over to His Neighbor’s, Knock on the Door, and Throw Himself at Their Mercy. This was a truly Ballsy choice as the Chances where the Neighbor wouldn’t answer the Door and would Call the Cops instead.

Luckily for Emit His Guardian Angel must have been working Overtime Because His Neighbor didn’t phone the Police, and actually answered the Door. Once His Neighbor opened the Door Emit confesses that He is High as Hell on Cocaine Currently, Alone, and Terrified He is About to Have a Fatal Heart Attack. His Neighbor was a True Doctor and again instead of calling the Cops stuck Tried and True to The Hippocratic Oath and Helped Emit out of His Predicament. Essentially Emit’s Neighbor sat with Him and Chatted until the Cocaine had Worn Off Enough so Emit wasn’t scared of Cardiac Arrest, and His Neighbor said it was Time for Emit  to Go Sleep it off Ironically as it were. Emit went Home and eventually succumbed to Exhaustion and Slept for 10 Hours Straight like the Dead. After that Night Emit Never touched Cocaine ever again stating He had Learned all He Needed to Know the First Time, and what He learned most of All is Cocaine is a BITCH to Deal with.

           

From that Day On Emit Earned the Nickname Dr. Cocaine which We used Tirelessly to Bust His Balls for Years After.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

The Repugnant Return of GWAR to FYB with Phallus in Wonderland

GWAR the Scumdog’s of the Universe  are Back and Wreaking Havoc like Never Before in PHALLUS IN WONDERLAND!!!

Phallus In Wonderland is Thrash Metal Punk Rock Band Gwar’s First Attempt in a Commercially Released Long Form Film. The Video was Nominated for a GRAMMY in 1993, but Lost to Annie Lennox of all fucking People. I mean how the fuck does GWAR even End Up in the Same Category as Annie Lennox in the First fucking Place Anyhow?!

Phallus In Wonderland is the Story of Gwar’s Battle Against The Morality Squad, after the Theft of Lead Singer Oderous Urungus’s “Cuttlefish of Cthulhu” which is Oderous’s Pet Name for His Penis. Gwar is summonsed to New York City for a Commercial Shoot for Gwar Serial a Cornflake-like Food sprinkled with Cocaine in place of Sugar.

        

The Morality Squad’s Religious Representative Father Bohab is preparing to Lauch an Attack on Gwar is Convicted of Molesting a 12 year Old Choir Boy. The Shocked Morality Squad believe Bohab was Framed by Gwar and Their Unscrupulous Manager Sleazy P. Martini. Bob is ultimately released and Lead a Morality Squad Protest Picketing Gwar. That is Until Gwar along with Sleazy BRUTALLY ATTACK the Crowd, resulting in Bohab being DISEMBOWELED .

       

Gwar then Travel to a Nightclub where the indulge in MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF COCAINE. The following Morning The Cuttlefish of Cthulhu reunites with Oderous after Escaping form the Grasp of The Morality Squad, and Warns Gwar of The Morality Squads Imminent Attack. Once the Fight is Over Gwar emerges Victorious having Beaten the Morality Squad. For-Gor (a Giant T-Rex) is Born, and toys to Destroy the World. Gwar must Battle Gor-Gor who is inevitably Killed at the hands of Gwar. The Cuttlefish of Cthulhu ends up Happily Reunited with Its Owner Oderous Urungus.

We Hope You Enjoyed This Little Piece Of Murderous Mayhem As Much As We Did.

Thanks for Watching,

  Presented By Les Sober

Movie Lovers This is for YOU………

If Your the type of Movie Fan that enjoys B Horror,  Splatter, Slasher, Documentary, Independent, Troma, Punk Sci Fi, Underground, Banned, Forbidden, Controversial, Shockumentary , Giallo, Mondo, Grindhouse, Foreign, Cult,  Unconventional, Experimental, Apocalyptic Sci fi, Gorno, Splatstick, 70’s & 80’s Cannibal, Speculative Sci Fi or Found Footage Movies then This My Friend is for YOU………

COMING SOON FROM

N@P Inc., Lost Soul Studios, and Ponder This Pictures

in Conjunction With

Perverse Pictures and F-YourMovie

   

Present The TR McCoy’s Darkly Demented Documentary

“Shoot My Face Off…I LIKE IT! : Gamings Greatest Urban Legend”

In the Fall of 9/23/05  the Gaming World was set on FIRE like NEVER BEFORE when The Secretive Japanese Video Game Company Seki No Owari Released Their Instant Hit “Shoot My Face Off…I LIKE IT!”

By 12/16/05 “Shoot My Face Off…I LIKE IT!” was BANNED IN 189 out of the 195 Countries Around THE WORLD, was #1 on The Forbes 500 List, Revived the Underground Gamer Black Market, Discontinued by Seki No Owari who then went on to Destroy ANY AND All Evidence that the Game EVER EXISTED.

Billions of Dollars. Millions of Questions. Hundreds of Investigation.

ZERO ANSWERS.

(Please Enjoy The Following Collection of Movie Posters)

     

      

       

      

      

     

     

     

      

     

   

Thanks for Reading & STAY TUNED!   By Les Sober

The Latest News From Nowhere Special

This post is a Hats Off Tribute to Our favorite Small Independent BiWeekly Publication “The Dullard’s Digest” out of  La Plant South Dakota with a Sparse Population of just 105.

The “The Dullard’s Digest” covers all things La Plant such as local happenings, community news, local government, Schools/Churches/Obituaries/Weddings, and all various local Odds and Ends such as The Yearly County Fair and the like.

Specifically for this post We decided to Showcase the Unusually Unique Advertisements found within the “The Dullard’s Digest” which are truly in a League of Their Own.

(If you make a reference to the movie Kill Yourself for High Crimes and Misdemeanors of And OR Being FUCKING LAME.)

So Let Us Begin With………

 

Pickler Pete’s Pickled Emporium

“Your Source For All Your Pickled Needs!”

Breakfast Bonanza Special:

1  Gallon of Edger’s Edibles Pickled Eggs,

1 Gallon Of Bryan Brine’s Pickled Sausages

And 1 Gallon of Vinegar Vally’s Pickled Pork Hocks

for The LOW, LOW PRICE OF $59.99

Introducing Pickled Pete’s BRAND NEW Luscious ALL VEGAN Line of Pickled  FRUITS AND VEGETABLES:

” A FINE BRINE VEGAN” AVAILABLE NOW!! Guaranteed to be Green as fuck.

BOGO SALE! Quart Jar of Pickled Top Self Tofu for Just $9.99 HOW DEVINE!

Pickled Products make Kids Happy, Hearty, and Healthy! Puts MAD HAIR on Your Chest AND Genitals! Excellent Prevention for ANY and ALL of Ass Caners (Domestic OR Imported!) Stops Dolphin Rape, and aids The Coalition   of Children Around The World Without Cocaine.

Try Our Pickler Pete’s Lovely Line of Pickled Goods for SENIORS! 4.25 Pound Jar of Pickled Prunes just $19.99 This Weekend ONLY!!

Clearance! Get 10 for $10 Get 10 lb. of Pickled Beets for $10!

 

The BarFly Bar and Lounge

Here’s Our Weekly Drink Special Run Down For This Week!

Mad Dog Mondays- Glass of Mad Dog 20/20 Fortified Wine for $1.50

MD 20/20 Flavors:  Dragon Fruit, Purple Rain, Tangerine Dream, Banana Red, Peaches & Cream, Blue Raspberry, Buck Bunny, Cranberry, Electric Melon, Key Lime Pie, Kiwi Lemon, Lemon Ice, Orange Jubilee, Red Grape, Spiked Melon, Sour Apple, and Strawberry Kiwi.

Tequila Me Tuesday: $3 2 for 1 Shots of Pepe Lopez, Montezuma, & El Toro

Wet Your Whistle’s BEER BELLY BAR (All Beer Bar) with Specials On

Pitcher of Bud Light and Clamato $2.50

Bucket of Natty Ice or Natty Light for $6.00 (# of Cans 12)

24 oz Beers for a Buck: This week featuring Schlitz, Rolling Rock, & Olympia

40 0z Thursday Specials: Get a 40. oz of  Colt .45, Old English 800, King Cobra, or  St.Ides  for $1.99!

FUBAR Fridays: MOON”Motherfucking”SHINE will put a smile on your face!

$12 Standard Mason Jars of:  Proof Positive (609 Proof)

White Lightning White Whisky (619 Proof)

Ilikea Opossum Paul’s Moonshine Vodka (732 Proof)

RumRunner’s Moonshine Rum (882 Proof)

AND

Jimmy Crackcorn’s Corn Rye Moonshine. (976 Proof)

ALL DAY EVERCLEAR SPECIAL Evercleaf Cocktail $3.75

BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND……

SUPER SHOT Saturdays featuring Shot Specials!!!

.50 Cent Shots of Mr. Boston Blackberry Brandy, Canadian Club, Monarch Gin, and Old Grand-Dad

3 Finger for $3 Special on Oro Tequila, Gordon’s Gin or Southern Host

“God Save Me! “Sunday Hangover Breakfast is BACK AGAIN!

For all those idiots who drank their asses off the night before The Barfly offers a particular Breakfast known for its alleged Cure to the Hell of the Next Day’s Hangover, HAVE NO FEAR BARFLY SUNDAY BREAKFAST IS HERE!

This Week on the Menu- The Old Timer Special!

Consisted of:  12 oz Shank Steak, Spam Hash w/ Bacon, and 2 Slices of Pork Roll.

Served with a Side of Scrapple, a Pickler Pete’s 1,000 Year Old Pickled Egg

AND a 32 oz. PBR (Can) FOR ONLY $2.99!!!!

The Weisenheimer Theater and Movie Exchange:

Saturday Night Slaughterfest Featuring some of Your FAVORITE B-Horror Slasher Films!

This Weeks Triple Feature is:

“Shoot My Face Off I Like It” From the Demented Director of Denmark Emil Mikkel

“Disembowel Me as I Giggle” from Redound Japanese Horror Fanatic Akasuki Hiromasa

AND

“Copulating With Corpses” The U.S. Version of “Necrophilia Nights” from The Infamously Dark and Disturbed mind of Lithuania’s Master of Sheer Terror Von Dire

SHOW STARTS PROMPTLY AT THE STROKE OF MIDNIGHT EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT. COME IF YOUR DARE, BUT YOU MAY NOT LIVE TO TELL THE TALE!

FOREIGN FILM FRIDAYS featuring the finest Foreign Films from Liechtenstein, Guam, Antartica, Mongolia, South Africa, Fiji, and Turkey JUST FOR STARTERS!!

ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW AT MIDNIGHT EVER SUNDAY ALL YEAR!

AND REMEMBER Tuesday Night Troma is BACK AND BAD ASS!

 

All Troma Movies All Day Dawn to Dusk: Inquire about our Enema Express Pass Today and don’t miss a single moment of Troma’s Famous GORE! NUDITY! SEX JOKES! PUKE,PISS,and SHIT! All in the Name of Independent Cinema for OVER 42 YEARS and COUNTING! (Show Times: 1st Film Starts when the Theater Opens and Over after the Last one Plays before Closing!)

 Coming Next TUESDAY!!!

 COMING NEXT MONTH!

AND BE SURE NOT TO FORGET THE Weisenheimer’s WISEAU WEDNESDAY!

Every Wednesday This Year there will 6 showings (9am, 12 noon, 3pm, 6pm, 9pm and 12am) of the Notoriously Shitty Movie “The Room” by The Mysterious Tommy Wiseau.

“The Room” has been called by many The Worst Movie EVER MADE!

“The Room” had Movie Theaters posting “NO REFUNDS FOR THIS MOVIE” posters!

“The Room” One Critic’s Review Read “Watching This Movie is like Stabbing Yourself in the Brain REPEATEDLY!”

COME ONE, COME ALL Join us in the Rising Cult Following of Wiseau and “The Room”

Those were the ones we selected. Perhaps one day We will do this again, but Dunno.

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober 

Textpocalypse

More middle of the night synaptic storms rolling through the maze like minds of SpaceDog and Myself. Here is the abominable textversation that took place while the rest of the World Slept.

Enjoy.

(If you Read Further You May Have to EAT your own ASS to Survive.)

SpcaeDog: I wanted to ask you about sports bets but im clearly not being too persistent since you dont like sports

Les: Hey let me hit you up in a few. At post office trying to get my passassport updated and shit. Taking waaaaay too long in my opinion. I find Sports betting very interesting.

SpaceDog: Look at u ihop hooker I will be ur bookie lmfao

+SpaceDog texts me a picture on images.google of a Tennis Player who ass he is a fan of, and was wondering if I or my Wife had 2 cents to add. I said if I had an ass like that I’d be better at soccer. My Wife is not an “Ass Person” we were informed.+

+I sent back a Screen Shot I took of Twitter’s fucking Template Warning that my account had been locked, and because I “exhibited unusual behavior that violates Twitter Rules……”+

+I then sent a picture of Alex “Asshole” Jones because while all other social media platforms (i.e. FaceBook, Apple etc) banned Alex and his bullshit Infowhores Show (for promoting hate, encouraging violence, promoting fake news, spreading conspiracies like Sandy Hook was a Hoax and the Kids weren’t victim’s they were paid child actors) Twitter refused at that point to Ban Jones.

Ironically since then Twitter has banned Jones from Twitter and Periscope which it owns, ONLY AFTER ALEX HARASSED THE HOLY LOVING SHIT out of  Twitter’s CEO Jack Dorsey outside of the Senate Hearing  proceedings screaming shit like the mental patient he is about whatever bullshit was on his deranged mind.+

Fuck Alex “The Asshole Jerk Off” Jones, BACK TO THE MAFUCKIN TWEETS!

SpaceDog: Here’s a song for you! My My My! by Troyne Sivian. (SD then texted a Spotify Link to the song) Mac Miller died omg

Les: So did Burt Reynolds any relation to Ryan?! Who’s Mac Miller? Charging Landline, cell is cutting in and out like a bitch.

SpaceDog: Mac Miller omg lol there was gonna be a link but yolo lol

Les: I have all of his albums downloaded on my Spotify Account. 26.

SpaceDog: Yo i need to ask u who just drove me around here lol

Les: Yo Shorty yo knows who dat

SpaceDog: U knows my piece

Les: I been break dancing old school 80’s as a tribute to Mac Miller

SpaceDog: U know it might not be that bad. you were the best i ever had

Les: The Wallflowers yeah?

SpaceDog: Lmfao good man

Les: JACOB “SPERM OF BOB” DILLIAN (Dylan?) Whatever.

SPaceDog: Sperm of the last rock n roll mouth that had a good cock come out. Call job away.

+SpaceDog then texts me a picture of Frosty The Snowman sitting on a couch watching porn, and jerking off. It said “Dreaming of a White Christmas”+

+I then texted SpaceDog This: +

SpaceDog: Sry I hit wrong hate.

+I responded by sending SpaceDog a GIF of an Old Pissed Off Cartoon Man, Naked, Partially Flying-Partially Humping his way through Space with a Pop Tart covering his Junk and a Rainbow Shooting Continuously Shooting out of his ass.+

(NOTE TO READER: Earlier on in the evening during a phone call with SpaceDog I had mentioned some weird shit about when I turn 80 I’m going to automatically Gay.)

Les: Me at 80 and Gay as FUCK.

SpaceDog: Lol holy shit shit

Les: I had to buy this shit called Itchibon Ball Baum cuz I was shitting in the Woods, and my Ball Bag rubbed up against some poison Oak. Greeeeaaaaseeeeyyyy.

SpaceDog: Xid rt y. Urdy. Dirty Birdy lol.  Id love to write an f-yourblog about racial bullshit but idc because he white and been dead to me for 10 yeses.

Les: So fucking what about it? I’m confused as fuck currently. When I was shitting in the Woods a Group of Ticks crawled up my Ass Crack and started feeding by locking onto my Asshole. I had to floss my ass with a Pet Anti-Flea and Tick Collar.

SpaceDog: Ihj my my my

Less: Like a fucking Pesticide G String or some fucked up shit like that!

SpaceDog: Here’s a song for you…My My My! by Troye Sivan (SpaceDog texts me the Spotify link again)

Les: Got Chemical Burns on my goddamn butthole.

SpaceDog: Whyis tour. Utthile top 10 (SpaceDOg then texts a screen shot from Spotify’s screen for Sivan’s My My My)

Les: Sexy Shit. Gave me a boner, I’m gay now.

SpaceDog: oh babe sned me a forever stiff latex cocks its what us lesbos have. Lol huh?

Les: So Good, FO SHO FO SHO

SpaceDog: Oh have the gay i will have the cock

Les: FUCKING SPORTS! GO GAMECOCKS or just GO COCKS!

SpaceDog: The only games you Sout Cacalacy  know are the ones your cock play with ur anus. Go Auburn. ok danny boy haha

Les: Why are Chaos Magicians Such Assholes? Goddamn Google has an entry that fucking literally says that shit. WTF now Internet WTF NOW?!

+I then texted SpaceDog a Picture of a close up of some Woman lifting her skirt with a smiling Justin Beiber face covering her Vagina that reads “Justin Beaver+

SpaceDog: The only woman that hate u sing so lets swim into the show of ivy and let our rel3vquce ring.

Les: Justin Bieber bangs Bovines dirty Cow Fucker

SpaceDog: Thats it my boy thats it my friend we sing this song to ivy she falls to her end.

Les: S-A-V-A-G-E …Ivy what?!

SpaceDog: I tried to call with these words to see if your ivied face had been preserved but you werent my lover not my friend she’d killed you lil your dead heart bled.

Les: Rad

SpaceDog:Oh the south she bleeds icy gets at her kneeeeeees

Les: LmMfao!

SpaceDog: Song just crazy. Raised by far and praise by 5A breeze by 5555555 a brace by for a for Raid 5 hey Girl. Sorry our butter and our jam is getting confused i just my putang tout u in the rouse.

Hey u want a q better choice. Bye. I hope u like your life lol wherever he stands our truth is ib my text. Mohammed my friend my bot and jbow jt eas a girl…vack in Bethlehem bye love.

Les: I’m so using this shit as a blog post coming up soon for fucking sure. Abortions all Around. Muhammad is a Bot LMFBO! CLASSIC!

SpaceDog: Its a sham

Les: Sham Wow?

SpaceDog: Shaw wow cocaine teenage dream. Brooklynn bo ram Botox baby boom boomer. No seems….

#This is the point in the textversation where I think its safe to assume our Dear Friend and My Partner in Crime more than likely passed out.

My brain was still on fire so I just continued on.

Les:Sham Wow Hookers AND Cocaine Baby! The Ball Baum came in contact with the Chemical Burns on my butthole ant it spontaneously Combusted, and now I have 3rd degree burns on my asshole.

Ancient Chinese Proverb: Man who sleeps with itchy ass wakes up with stinky finger.

A round of Finger Fucking for All. Can you fuck a Prolapsed asshole because that shit should be a fucking porn fetish/YouPorn Category. WTF is up with this Docking shit anyways?!

I was wiping my ass and my finger broke through the toilet paper and the tip of my finger grazed my asshole, does that make me gay?!

If your gay and horny and there only women around why not just fuck one in the ass?!

Is Necro Cannibalism better or worse than Necrophilia?! For NEcrophiliacs are Zombies a Deal Breaker?! Just when it comes to NEcrophiliacs the Deader the Better right. Zombie Babies don’t want to suckle your teat they want to EAT IT.

Giving Birth is like the fucking movie “Aliens” a small, bloody, slime covered living creature tears out of your genitals screaming like a son of a bitch. But worse because of the whole genitals over stomach shit.

If I’m Self Employed can I sue myself for Sexual Harassment?! What if you got a restraining order against yourself, I mean how would that shit work exactly I ask you?!

AT this point I was running on intoxicated fumes and quite texting in favor of Smoking Weed and then Sleep.

Brought to You By,

Les Sober & SpaceDog 

Malice The Band That Almost Killed Us All Part 6

April 15th: Malice arrived at their suite at the Hard Rock Casino in Mackinaw Michigan (which back in the infamous 80’s was considered on the same creative social scale as NYC or LA.), and waited for their newly assigned opening act by their record label Razorback Records.

While they waited Malice free based a Kilo of 91% pure uncut Columbian Fish Scale while simultaneously  consuming 15 cases of beer, 19 bottles of Whisky, and an ounce and a half of PCP Laced Mushrooms, and ate 7 sheets of Acid (because waiting is boring so why not party your fucking face off they figured.) Plus the bands Lawyer TR McCoy and their Manager Harold Slickmann  had instructed the Band to DO NOTHING while they worked out the issues with the Band’s current Record Label Razorback Records.

As for Razorback they needed to put a tour deal together fast as fuck. Razorback Due to the  current disputes with Malice over creative control had lead abrupt cancellation of the remaining  Tour leaving them in the lurch like a motherfucker. They had to finish out as many of the original Tour dates as humanly possible to avoid backlash from pissed off Malice Fans.

Now due to all the drama Razorback was unhappy with Malice and that  played a part in their decision to hire The Assholes.The Assholes were at the opposite side of the spectrum from Malice.

Malice was a Glam Metal Band used to the luxurious life in LA being fawned over by press and fans alike for several months and had forgotten their entire lives previous to being famous. This I think most people can agree the massively exprbinte and copious amounts of Narcotics combined with Severe Alcoholism was/is to blame for the Band’s Unique Amnesia.

The Assholes on the other hand were a Trio from the Shitty Streets of the Shittiest Slums in Swansea Wales’s poverty stricken Industrial District. They grew up broke as fuck with Father’s that slaved away in the Various Factories or Sold Drugs. They had Mother’s that Worked 3 jobs cooking and cleaning (for the elite assholes living a life of splendor in the Huge Mansion’s in the Country) or Turning to Prostitution, Drink, and Drugs.

The only issue was The Assholes were currently on a Tour of their own with their fellow band The Squatters who hailed from Leeds and had similar backgrounds as the members of The Assholes. Not to mention the group’s singers met in the drunk tank one St. Paddy’s day after grossly over indulging in an obscene display of Alcohol throughout the day.

For this particular Tour The Assholes and The Squatters had combined both bands into one collective group they were calling The Asshole Squatters.

This lead Razorback to bend over backwards and take it in the preverbal metaphorical ass to put together. First Razorback had to hire The Asshole Squatters (not just the Assholes by themselves) because their management claimed it would be easier to promote the new 2 week Tour since two thirds of the audience already recognized the name.

Second Razorback would have to Pay the Appearance fee for The Assholes, The Squatters, and The Asshole Squatters as each group would be billing them separately. Razorback would also be financially responsible for their other expenses such as Travel, Room and Board. The Assholes also demanded that Razorback reimburse everyone involved in/with the last two weeks of the Asshole Squatters Tour that would be left ass out in lieu of The Assholes embarking on the new Malice Tour.

Razorback not having a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of had to agree to any and all conditions set forth by The Assholes or The Squatters. In the end the tiny new 2 week tour cost Razorback $12.3 Million in extra expenses.

April 16th: Malice had a pre tour meeting where they met The Asshole Squatters for the 1st time over Cocktails at the exclusive Club Pretentious. The meeting was a short one. The Members of The Asshole Squatters  spent most of their time chugging pints of Guinness, doing Irish Car Bombs, Rough Housing, Head Butting one another in some Bizarrely Violent Drinking Game (which they themselves had created just a couple of weeks ago while on a brilliant bender.)

Malice sat back drinking Bottomless Hurricanes (with Mescal on the side) watching their new opening act getting Raging Alcoholic Type Drunk, and snorting massive rails of Cocaine off a gaggle of clamoring wannabe Groupie’s Tits.

The 2 Bands barely spoke to each other and as for The Asshole Squatters they seemed to be mocking Malice throughout the entire ordeal. It was hard for Malice to determine if the Asshole Squatters were indeed mocking the shit out of them or was this the classic absurd comedic Wit the British were known for.

Troubled by the shitty meeting Malice’s manager Harold Slickmann sat down to discuss the matter with The Asshole Squatters Manager Sly Slapper over diner (at The Lux Barroom and Fine Eatery mind you). Slapper’s take on the situation was it was just a case of “Clashing Ego’s”and it would be no problem at all. He assured Slickmann that the Tour would be nothing less than copacetic once the Band’s Ego Issues calmed down.

This was a boldfaced lie and Slapper the slippery shit was well aware.

April 17th: To insure there wouldn’t be any further issues before the start of the tour the following day each Band’s Manager spiked ALL the Band Members mandatory morning Bloody Mary’s (which were made with 191 proof Grain Alcohol or as its more commonly known Moonshine) with a heavy dose of Horse Tranquilizers .The intensity of the Moonshine did a wonderfully brilliant job at disguising the foul taste of the ground up Horse Tranquilizers.

This effectively rendered both groups unconscious for 18 hours straight.

When the time came the Band’s Personal Medical Team would hit them with a Epinephrine  Shot via an Epi Pen, and BAM everyones awake, on their feet, and energetic like a Rocket Shot up their Ass.

April 18th: It was around 11 am when the Bands began to board their respective Tour Buses each suffering from a serious Horse Tranquilizer Hangover. It wasn’t until well past Noon that the Tour was finally on the road. The first show was in Saugatuck Michigan at the Tubular Theater.

Before the show even started the problems began. When Malice arrived at the Tubular Theater they were met the first problem head on. The members of The Squatters being arrested by Immigration Officers. Malice’s managed Harold Slickmann quickly jumped of the tour bus and made a mad scramble words The Squatters manager Sly Slapper.

According to Slapper the band was being detained and deported back to England to stand trial. The Squatters were charged with 117 counts of Vandalism, 91 counts of Destruction of Private Property,  88 counts of Destruction of Public Property, 351 counts of Public Drunkenness, 57 counts of Urinating in Public, 22 counts of Defecating  in Public, 117 counts of Breaking and Entering (The band had a issue with breaking into Liquor Stores after closing time in search of yet more Booze), 144 counts of Public Nudity, and 121 counts of Indecent Exposure (The band also had an issue with having sex with Fans/Groupies in Public).

To make a shitty situation even shittier the Fans(who had been waiting for 16 hours straight) out front for the doors to open were well aware of what was going on, and they were getting more riled by the minute as they watched one of the bands they came to see being arrested at the concert venue.

Malice who had extensive experience dealing with amped up and angry Fans from some disastrous concerts of their own. They immediately put a plan into action as the inevitable Riot was building rapidly. Malice gathered up their instruments and amps aboard their tour bus, called in a massive Beer Order with a local Beer Warehouse a few blocks from the show, and lastly they grabbed a duffle bag containing 5 kilos (11 pounds) of Pure uncut Bolivian Blow.

The scene outside had gotten savage as the Show Promoter had already called in the Cops. Malice Fans were pissed off at the Asshole Squatter Fans for fucking up the show, The Squatters Fans were enraged that the Band was being Arrested, The Assholes were angry about everything in general, and all the Fans were mad the Police had been called.

The high level of surging emotions had given way to pushing, shoving, insults, violent threats, minor vandalism, and the start of empty Beer bottles being thrown around in random response to the current state of affairs. The Police had called in back up and as Malice got ready to put their plan into action the SWAT Team rolled in.

Malice slowly opened the Emergency Hatch located on the roof of the Bus and crawled out onto the Bus’s Roof. They then had their Roadies hand up their instruments followed by their Amps. Malice also had their Roadies hand up several Confetti Cannons they had brought on tour. Once on top of the bus with their gear and supplies Malice started to assemble their standard stage set up transforming the Bus’s Roof into an impromptu stage.

As soon as the set up was complete Malice started playing Misfit Covers as loud as their equipment would allow. This sudden musical onslaught brought the chaos and conflict to a stand still as the stunned Fans and Police Officers alike looked on.

Malice capitalized on this by announcing that this was now a FREE Parking Lot Show and then fired off their Confetti Cannons that they had loaded up with the Cocaine. A giant white wave exploded over the Audience with a lingering cloud behind it as everyone there went fucking insane.

The Police were just happy to have the Riot haunted so they let Malice slide on the whole Huge Cocaine Cloud (and assorted shit like that) just as long as they got the fuck out of town immediately following the Parking Lot Show.

And thats exactly what they did.

April 19th: Malice was contacted first thing in the morning by their current Record Label Razorback Records. Razorback was absolutely irate about the previous night’s show which was also the first show of a ad-libbed Tour.

Malice had their Lawyer TR McCoy step in as mediator on their behalf. McCoy stated it was fucking insane that Razorback was even angry to begin with. McCoy went on to say that Malice had nothing to due with the Show going to shit. Malice wasn’t the ones being arrested, their Fans weren’t the ones pissed off by the arrest, and if it wasn’t for Malice’s quick thinking under extreme pressure in an emergency situation had in fact ENDED the Riot.

Razorback being complete and total  bitches switched the topic of the conversation to what they were going to do moving forward post riot. The tour they said would continue but because of last night fiasco being blasted across national television had been forced “due to circumstances beyond their control” cancel that nights show.

Razorback sited that the change was do due to “Unforeseen Expenses” complied with the exorbitant expenses used for putting the current Tour together in the first place was putting Razorback on the verge of filing Chapter 11 Bankruptcy. And because of the severity of the situation would require Razorback’s full and undecided attention putting the Tour on the back burner for a while.

You see the unforeseen expenses Razorback incurred were from a legal dispute between Razorback and The Squatters.

The Squatters claimed that since their arrest, and subsequent deportation was due to charges that were racked up from their previous Tour. And since the charges were not related to this Tour they deserved to be paid every single cent agreed upon by Razorback and The Squatters per their contract.

Razorback had to hire a full on legal defense team of Lawyers to handle the impending Lawsuit and their Counter Suite. According to their Lawyers Razorback considered their contract null and void as soon as The Squatters violated the terms, and thus were owed jack shit as far as they were concerned.

Malice’s Lawyer TR McCoy sighted a “Conflict of Interest” on Razorback’s part as far as Malice was concerned, and was planning to take them to court over it as soon as he got back to his office. Unbeknownst to Razorback at the time was that McCoy was already well at work putting a lawsuit against Razorback on Malice’s behalf. Malice was ultimately looking to terminate their contract with Razorback Records by any means needed.

April 20th: Malice curent Unnamed Tour with the Assholes was scheduled to play The Wicked Room in Grand Marais Minnesota. Once they Bands showed up there was an empty parking lot and a massive pile of what appeared to be charred bricks mixed with assorted rubble. There was a note from the Wicked Room’s Staff addressing the issue taped to a bottle of Croatian Rum that was standing atop the pile of aforementioned bricks and rubble.

The Note Read: To Whomever it may concern,

We the loyal staff of the Wicked Room have the misfortune to inform you that the Owner of the Club (Dolt Devonshire) ruptured a gas line in the basement, and blew the Club sky high while attempting to commit Insurance Fraud.  So Sorry We know this Sucks.

With the nights Fans only moments away from the defunct venue the Bands had to figure out what the fuck to do. Neither Band wanted to relive the previous nights shit show nor could they afford any more shitty press.

Then The Assholes Singer “Bloody” Sod Bollocks announced that since Malice had saved their asses last night that tonight they would be repaying the favor. In all actuality The Asshole could have give 2 shits about Malice they just thought it was a proper venue to showcase their Hardcore Thrash Punk music. That combined with the fact The Assholes were chomping at the bit to play to help vent some of their built up frustrations.

Malice decided to take their Fans in attendance that were pissed off by the fact Malice wasn’t playing to an all night drinking binge at a local Dive Bar and Shitty Strip Club Called  Beef Curtains.

Even though The Assholes acted like they didn’t give a flying fuck what Malice did they took Malice’s Stripper Boozelooza as slap in the face. They thought if Malice and their sniveling Fans didn’t care about the show well fuck them and fuck that.

April 21st: Malice spent the day at the Hotel Spa recuperating from their legendary hangovers, and The Assholes spent the day Drinking and Drugging like no tomorrow.

The 2 bands met up at that nights Venue The Radical in Bayfield Wisconsin. The tension was tenable as the Bands circled one another lingering like fucking Vultures waiting for their meal to finally die.

The Assholes went on first and played their first two albums (“Fuck You and The Finger” and “The Toss Pot Teachers”)  in their interiority.  The Band then went on to play 3 separate encores each consisting of 3-5 songs each. The Asshole’s finally played their closing song their current hit “Fuck Me Dead”. By then they had cut into Malice’s set by a good 45 minutes or so.

Malice was furious as they took the stage 45 minutes late. Malice used the show to mainly test out the audience’s reacting to some new songs they were coming up with for the New Album they planned to record as soon as they possibly could. Malice was sure to pepper the New Shit with some of their Big Hits to keep the Fans excited.

All in all the audience response was overwhelmingly positive as far as the new material was concerned. In fact Malice’s new Power Ballad “I’d Never Call You A Bitch Baby” garnered such a response from the Fan’s that they decided later that night that it would be the first single released.

Malice celebrated all night and into the following day until that nights show.

April 22nd: When Malice’s Tour bus rolled into The Spectrum in Elkader Iowa to find that The Assholes had already arrived and were in the middle of their soundcheck.

Malice walked into their dressing room to find it Trashed, Thrashed and Totally fucked. It smelled like a Truck Stop Bathroom mixed with a well used Locker Room. Every single piece of furniture (including the trash can) was busted and broken to pieces. The Catering table was upside down which was ok because it looked as if someone shit on the food platters anyway. Not to mention their toilet bowl was on fire reminiscent of a childhood campfire.

Malice’s blood boiled as they had fucking had it with The Assholes and their shittier than shitty bullshit. Luckily before all hell broke loose Malice’s manager Harold Slickmann arrived in the nick of time to prevent a brewing Shit Storm from becoming a Category 5 Shitnado. Slickmann swore up and down that if Malice played the show he would put and end to The Assholes dilemma.

Malice begrudgingly took the stage and the crowd went buck-fucking-wild sending Malice’s spirits soaring. The show was going exceptionally well until “Bloody” Sod Bollocks came staggering drunk as 10 Sailors (on well deserved Shore Leave) combined. Bollocks slowly made his way to the side of the stage just as Malice launched into (what they believed on audience response) was their new upcoming single “I’d Never Call You A Bitch Baby”

Once Malice got to the chorus of “…I’d never call you a bitch Baby” Bollocks armed with a Military Grade Bullhorn would yell at the top of his intoxicated lungs “Because I call you a cunt!”

Malice’s more than temperamental frontman Izzy Sane let Bollocks get away with his rude interjection twice but not a third time. Sane dropped his microphone, picked up the stand, swung it up over his head with both hands, and bolted to wards Bollocks like a Meth addicted Rodeo Bull. Once Sane reached Bollocks Sane brought the Heavy Metal Base of the microphone stand down on Bollock’s head like a Sledge Hammer.

The base of the Microphone stand came crashing down and slammed into Bollock’s head right above his left eye shattering his orbital socket, severely fracturing his cheek bone, and sending his eye shooting out into the audience. Blood started to pour out of Bollock’s freshly busted open head like a deep red river. Bollocks swayed for a minute before crumpling like a piece of paper to the ground.

Bollocks was unconscious, unresponsive, and there was blood now spurting out of the large gash in his head like a mini 18 inch fountain. One of the Stage crew sprinted to the phone and called 911. By the time the EMTs had arrived Bollocks was in the throws of full blown shock. The EMTs opted due to the severity of the injury and the patient’s quickly declining condition to to fly Bollocks to the nearest head trauma unit a Trama Hawk.

On the up side Malice’s Fans were so supportive they cheered Sane as they Fans were aware of the tenuous rivalry between the two touring Bands. Unfortunately for Sane the police were not so easy going and arrested Sane for Assault, Assault with a Deadly Weapon, and Attempted Murder.

The night ended with Malice on their way back to their hotel, and their manager on his way back to the Band’s Lawyer’s Office double time.

April 23rd: Finally the Tour to end all Tours had ended as doomed from the start. The Assholes had flown back home to England as soon as Bollocks was stable enough to travel.

Malice wanted to circle the wagons so they bought a 56 room Mansion located on 66 acres (for an estimated $151 Million) in the Hollywood Hills the day they got back in town. The Band figured it actually made the most sense since until then non of the Band members past or presently..

Malice members lived in hotels or on the Tour bus while on Tour or Traveling. In their down time Davie Scum was on the worlds longest Couch Surfing Run in known History, and Izzy Sane lived with his Girlfriend (and Malice Bassist) Maxi Padd in her tiny one room Studio Apartment. Rock Harder lived in a Shitty Hellhole of a Motel down by the by the Airport called The Wayfarers located between The Drunkard Tavern and Sparkles Strip Club.

It didn’t take long for Malice to move in as the members owned next to nothing outside of their cars. Meanwhile Harold Slickmann had sold his house prior to the last Tour and went and bought a $4.5 Million Luxury Executive RV. Slickmann parked his newly acquired RV in Malice’s extensive Drive Way where he planned to live indefinitely.

The Band’s Lawyer TR McCoy opted to sell his Penthouse so he could move into Malice’s new 10,000 square foot Guest House. McCoy felt with the forth coming barrage of legal issues that were about to defend upon the Band like The Anti-Christ surfing on an Avalanche.

The Band settled on the name “The House of Malice” as the official name of their Mansion Estate and set to work coming up with customized additions to the Mansion (example: Replacing the Water in the 100s of Fountains with Armand de Brigand Brut Gold (Ace of Spades) which cost $6,500 per 6 Liter Bottle.)

April 24th: Malice received an intensely aggressive call from their Record Label Razorback Records demanding a meeting immediately in their head office in the Van Nuys neighborhood. Malice piled into the Band’s 67 foot long custom Limo along with Slickmann and McCoy in tow.

When they arrived Malice was marched directly into Brock Rock’s office. Brock Rock who was the Owner and CEO of Razorback at the time. No sooner had Malice sat down Rock came charging in infuriated beyond belief with Razorbacks Legal Team right behind him.

Razorback started the meeting guns blazing. They were basically trying to blame all their costly fuck ups on Malice so they could sue them for reimbursement.

McCoy wasn’t having any of Razorback’s spastic bullshit fireworks. McCoy told Razorback that by neglecting their client Malice’s best interests by effectively booking substandard Opening Act(s) violated the terms and conditions of Malice’s Contract.

That combined with they fact that the failed second leg of the Mini Tour had totally tapped Razorback’s Bank Accounts so they wouldn’t be able to financially survive a long ass court battle before going completely bankrupt.

Razorback ended up releasing Malice from their contract as long as all disputes between both parties were henceforth Null and Void.

Malice was now a free Agent as it were.

McCoy had a glass of 70 year old Scotch.

Slickmann immediately started fielding offers from Competing Record Labels starting a furious Bidding War.

As for Razorback they did in fact end up going bankrupt, and Brock Rock was arrested for Embezzlement, Fraud, Insider Trading, Tax Evasion, and Aggravated Acts of Beastiality.

April 25th: Malice spent the day whole up in their Mansion reviewing various and plentiful possible future contracts from damn near every record label executive there was.

McCoy and Slickmann riddled down the Contracts to a Fianl Top 3 before involving the Band.

The 3 Top Contenders were Guillotine Records a relatively new up and coming Record Label that was racking up Big Name and Unknown Acts left and right.

Another was from Spittle Sound Studios owned by D-Rockafeller Recordings Inc. who was looking to expand their catalog and appeal by breaking into new musical markets. They were basically a Major Brand Record Label in Indi Clothing so to speak.

The Final Contract was from an International Record Label called The Nation of Noise Records (who’s HQ was located in International Waters on a retired Cruise Ship). They had been around for years, but never signed any act anyone would give two shits about like the Country Disco Jug Band Legend Howie “Pork Knuckle ” Pounder.

After serious deliberation along with a crate of Whisky, 26 Cartons of Cigarettes, a Pound of High Grad Marijuana, and 8 sheets of High Test Acid on  Guillotine Records signing a 5 Album Exclusive Deal.

Malice celebrated the Deal by Buying Ferraris and the hosting a Demolition Derby Party that went late into the night, and the Police only showed up 41 times for Noise Complaints and all that horseshit.

A good night was had by all.

April 26th: With a slew of new songs and material Malice and in great spirits ,and (after finally ending their troubled relationship with Razorback Records) having just signed a sweet ass deal with Guillotine Records headed into the Studio to get working on their new album.

Tragedy struck the Band once again while wailing on a wild Guitar Solo for the song “Sweet Heart, Wicked Soul” Davie Scum played so fast that his guitar caught on fire quickly consuming Scum in the blaze. Considering how flammable the cheap Spandex adorned with Chinese Dragons, and the entire bottle of Aqua Net Scum used to style his hair it was no real wonder why he combusted so quickly.

Luckily for Malice they were finished recording their new new album titled “Finding Heaven In Hell” so all that was left to be done was Editing the Recorded songs.

Malice had to pay the $17,890 cleaning bill for the Studio to clean off all the smoke stains and little BBQed pieces of flesh from the walls, floors and ceiling (Not to mention they had to Neutralize the Oder of a still smoldering  Human Body)

When Slickmann heard the news he grabbed the extremely large 3 ring binder filled with Musicians Resumes he had created due to the fact Malice Members had a bad habit of dying, and granted a couple left to purse other pursuits.

By the end of the day Malice had completed their new 19 song album, edited it, lost their Guitarist to a freak guitar playing accident, and interview the top replacement Guitarists.

That night around 4 in the morning suffering from a drug fueled insomnia Malice selected their new Guitarist Stevie “The Shill” Stevenson who had played with such acts as Murder in Minutes, Killing Trolls, The Lot Lizards, and the Legendary Black Metal Band Nordic Slaughter.

April 27th: While waiting for their new guitarist Stevie “The Shill” Stevenson’s to arrive at the studio (he was flying in from his Private Island Shill Key in the Florida Keys that afternoon) Malice realized that they in fact not only recorded their new album in one day, BUT they had 87 other songs on tap.

With this revelation Malice felt they had only one choice, and that was to release a DOUBLE ALBUM. Malice then spent the morning listening to all 87 songs before selecting 22 songs that would make up the second Album titled “The Hardships of Hell”.

By the time Stevenson made his appearance at the studio Malice realized while now that the Double Album they had recorded 41 brand new tracks they still had 46 additional songs.

So Malice thought about it awhile before coming up with the idea of releasing a rare TRIPLE ALBUM, and set out selecting which of the leftover 46 songs they would use. They came together and agreed on this Albums title would be “From Heaven To Hell and Back Again” consisting of 17 songs and 4 singles. The singles the Band decided upon were “Into The Night We Go”, “After Party Freak Show”, “Dive Bar Babes”, and “Lets Get Laid”

When Stevenson arrived he pointed out that Malice still had 29 songs left at their disposal, and suggested Malice release the World’s 1st QUADRUPLE ALBUM. And of course Malice lost their fucking minds over the idea. In return for such an awesome idea Malice rerecorded the last set of 29 songs with Stevenson so he’d be credited for playing on the Album.

Malice even let Stevenson pick the name of the 4th Album and he dubbed it “Entering Heaven/Exiting Hell” sticking with the ongoing theme of Paradise and the Pit.

Malice partied into the early hours of the morning doing Actual Tequila Shots (that is they drew up Tequila in 6cc syringes and injected it directly into their veins.)

April 28th: Malice’s Quadruple Album was an instant success as rabid Fans bought out Record Store after Record Store across the country. The Media Buzz was deafening as Malice’s Phones where rigging off the hook like a real motherfucker. Reporters of kinds camped out in front of Malice’s Mansion Estate gates leading Hardcore Fans to follow suit creating a sizable tent city situation.

Malice spent the entire day lounging around Mtv hanging out, day drinking and acting as impromptu Guest VJs (not to mention banging groupies during commercial breaks or when a video was airing)

By the end of the Business Day Malice’s World Wide Album Sales totaled an estimated $976 Million. The one day success gave way to the rumor that The Chairman of Forbes reportedly shit his pants when he saw the numbers the following morning.

April 29th: Tickets for Malice’s upcoming Tour to promote their Quadruple Album went on Sale at Noon Sharp and 6 seconds later every single American Date of the Malice was completely Sold Out. Which totally blew the tits off of Guinness Book of World Records.

Now Malice was at task scheduling Shows for the subsequent following World Wide Tour. For inspiration the Band went to their Restaurant Take Out Menu drawer. After a few minutes skimming over the large collection of Take Out Menus Malice had set up dates in Thailand, China, India, Mexico,Italy, and Japan.

Malice used the rest of their spare time to practice relentlessly with their new guitarist Stevie “The Shill” Stevenson, and over indulging in Hedonistic pursuits.

April 30th: Malice went to down customizing their recently acquired Mansion and Estate. First they had a 4 operate Helicopter Landing Pads one for each of them. Next they turned 2 of their 66 archers into a Mobile Home park loaded with Triple Wides for their Friends, Roadies, Mansion Staff, or as a crash pad for party guests who were to shitfaced to drive.

Izzy was a devoted movie fan so he used 12 archers to build his own Independent Movie Studio he called Ponder This Pictures and Perverse Productions. The Studio was intended to be a stage for struggling independent film makers to help them achieve their dreams. In the end though it sat virtually unused accept for the filming of some extremely high end Homemade Sex Tapes/Full Blown Porno Flix.

Stevie took 5 archers and build a pond so that he could stock it with some of his favorite fish like Alligator Gar, Giant Snakeheads, Electric Eels, Wells Catfish, and Giant Carp just for starters.

Rock used 7 archers to build his own Amusement and Water Park complete with the motto which was  “Neverland is for PopStars”.

Maxi used 1 achar to build a massive Temperature Controlled Greenhouse with a high tech Sprinkler System. She billed as an attempt at Sod Farming. She also took another 4 to built a Small Farm where she had several Cows. At night Maxi would let the Cows graze in the Greenhouse where inevitable Cows being Cow’s would crap all over the fucking place. She claimed it was a trade off of Free Cow Feed and Free Fresh Organic Manure. In reality the set up was designed to be the perfect growing grounds for Magic Mushrooms (or Shrooms for shirt).

  

Other custom additions included seeing up a professional fire work rig on the roof, indoor and out door shooting ranges, ATV Trails, Skate Park, Pirate Ham Radio Station, NASA Flight Simulator, Hi Li Court, installing water fountains rigged with Goldschlager (with its original Alcohol Content of 53.5% or 107 Proof), A Reptile House, 30 Run Dog Kennel, Racing Track, Driving Range (because hitting the shit out of the ball is the only fucking fun part of Golf so fuck the bullshit), Wave Pool, Bocce Ball Court, and 24k Toilets/Urinals encrusted in Gem Stones (“Crapping like a King” as their manager Harold Slickmann would say.

  

April 31st: Malice dedicated the day to preparing for the “Salvation and Damnation Tour” by rehydrating with IV Fluids, Laid off the Narcotics in favor of just Smoking Weed, Only Drank Light Beer, Getting 8 hour massages with 45 minute “Happy Endings”, Meditating, forgoing Sex for Blow Jobs, and Blood Doping.

MALICE: THE BAND THAT ALMOST KILLED US ALL PART 7 COMING SOON

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober 

Lollipop Chainsaw Ep. 1 The Beginning and The End Look The Same

Why is that fucking alarm going apeshit?!

I’m strapped in a fucking seat, Why am I restrained?!  Goddamnit if I squint I can’t really see shit?!

Where the hell am I and how the hell did I end up here?! I can’t remember shit. Fuck Me I bet I have a serious concussion just my fucking luck as usual.

Alright I think I can make out a control panel of some sort lit up like Las Vegas suffering a Cocaine Psychosis.

I haven’t a clue what the fuck its for so fuck it.

There was a brief reprieve from the chaotic hell that I found myself  in a brief moment of clarity.

I realized that I was more or less fucked.

The actual question at hand is how fucked am I?!

Prepare for the fucking WORST?

Who the fuck was that and what do they know that I damn well don’t?!!

Worst of what? Worse than what? What is the possible Worst here?!

Holy  Shit I’m not alone.

I need to figure out pretty fucking quick if thats a good or a bad fucking thing.

Oh shit theres a door, wait, its a hatch in the ceiling  like on a Space Craft or some shit like that.

Also it appears this thing is made of metal.

I’m pretty fucking sure NASA doesn’t use metal as a building material in any of it Project, too fucking heavy.

Could this thing be from a Ship possibly a Naval Ship?! I got to get the fuck out of this thing.

How the hell do I detach this seat belt thing and get free?! Theres got to be a release button or some switch, but where the fuck is it located at for fuck’s sake.

OH COME THE FUCK ON!

WHERE IS IT?! WHERE IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS FUCKED IS IT GODDAMNIT TO HELL!

What the fuck is grabbing me like some cracked out Kraken?!

FUCK!  I wish I had a weapon, at least a goddamn pocket knife.

Remember if shit goes down hit first, and hit hard.

Oh fuck its some strange Guy grappling with the seat belt deal to free me.

Jesus I’m sure happy as hell for this Guy whoever he is.

Goddamnit he’s run into a problem getting me free, keeps tugging and making unhappy grunting noises.

Come on GUY GODDAMNIT!

Help get me out of this fucking chair now before something else fucked up happens!

“Come on we need to evacuate this piece of shit.”

Who the fuck is this Guy to give me fucking orders?!

I don’t him from a fucking whole in the ground.

Fuck it. I have no idea what to do so may as well follow this Guy’s lead for now.

Ok he’s going to open the hatch in the roof of this Iron Bubble or whatever this thing is we’re in.

This has got to be fucking NASA accept the fact neither of us are wearing Space Suits so I don’t know.

Goddamnit this shit sucks so bad.

. Alright he got the hatch open.

Fuck where is something to grab onto to so I can hoist myself out?!

Ok OK theres some basic ladder system on the opposite site, like a pool ladder. Time to get the fuck out of here.

Now how do I get the hell off the top of this contraption, right theres the ladder down.

I wonder where exactly we are, but more over what the fuck is here with us.

What fucking time is it?!

From the daylight its either the ass crack of dawn or the darker end of dusk.

Right theres the ladder down.

I can’t make out any damn details everything is a solid black silhouette.

Theres a bank of trees presumably a forrest on my left, and a large body of water to my right.

ITS too large to be a Pond or average  Lake.

Where the hell did that Guy go?!

There he is just standing over there like some sort of asshole.

This fucking Guy is going to be a real fucker to deal with I’m sure of it.

Well I guess its time to introduce ourselves and I guess I’ll have to walk over to him.

Damn I walking on sand, black sand at that. Its beginning to make my fucking legs ache like a son of a bitch.

I’ll wave first and see if this Guy turns around and sees me.

There we go he sees me.

The fucking Guy is looking right at me walking over, waving, and he’s still just standing there like some sort of fucking dick.

Oh good looks likes he’s about to say something. Can’t wait to hear this bullshit.

ok so he’s saying we need to find the Others IF their still alive before we all DIE.

Other who? People? Crew? Both I would assume?

Oh what the hell is going on?!

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! REALLY?!

DIdn’t we almost die just now?!

We just narrowly survived some sort of emergency escape without dying, and now this dick is telling me were right back in danger of dying?!

I’m afraid this is going to get very strange fast.

Look For Lollipop Chainsaw Ep.2 This Fucking Guy COMING SOON.

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober  

Heavy Metal March Madness: Malice The Band That Almost Killed Us All Part 3

March 1st, 1988 Malice entered Rancor Studio psyched to record their first record. Unfortunately March 1st, 1988 became known as “Sue Us Sunday” in the Malice camp. The reason was Malice was served papers several times through out the day precluding them from recording a single note. There were being sued by the Promoter from their show at Peoria Illinois Mental Metal Festival for Failure to Complete their contractual agreement by ending their set early. They were also being sued by Rock Out – Cock Out concert Promoters for missing their show scheduled at the Salt Lake City’s “SLC Metal Mayhem” for being a no show again violating their contract.

Alas that wasn’t all as Malice was simultaneously being sued by Lost Soul Productions who sponsored the Alaskan “Madmen of Metal” Festival. Lost Soul had a slew of charges Animal Abuse (for the Von Dire’s accidentally kicking a stray Penguin), Destruction of Personal Property, Desecration of Sacred Soil (The show was on Tribal Lands), Hate Crimes Against the Indigenous Inuits, Failure to complete contractual obligations, Inappropriate and unauthorized use of a Dog Sled, Grand Theft of 2 Dog Sled packs, Trespassing, impeding Tribal Practices, Drunk and Disorderly, Driving under the influence, possession of dangerous controlled substances, possession of Dangerous and Controlled Substance with intent to distribute, Contraband items (ex. Hardcore Porn), Child Endangerment (majority of fans in attendance were under the age of 18), Public Obscenity (for the bands prolific use of foul language on stage, Vandalism, Unpaid bar tab, Possession of unlicensed firearms, and Violation of the Indigenous Tribes Act of 1888, 1889,1909,1911, and 1938.

Yet Malice wasn’t out of the Legal forrest just yet. Malice’s troubles from the Master’s of Metal Festival in Oregon who were suing Malice for Public Intoxication, Drunk and Disorderly, 17 Counts of Assault (resulting from Sleaze and Ulrich impromptu fist fight, and the Security Guards who were also involved in breaking up the fight.), and for violation of contractual obligations. Oregon’s Wall was suing Malice for violation of contract when they showed up and instantly cancelled that nights show due to inflated egos (Malice at that time was heavily in the Media which garnered more and more attention from the music industry. Last but not least Malice was being sued by WhoreMonger Records for breaking their contract when the band opted to sign with Razorback Records.

The Sum Total of All the Law Suits combined came to a Heart Stopping $376,978,763,329.18:

March 2, 1988: Malice started interviewing for a new Manager, and ended up going with Harold Slickmann who had been in the industry for 47 years. Slickmann had managed such Legendary Bands like DTF, The Screaming Cocks, Diver Down, Suicidal Species, and The Drug War Rejects to name a few. Slickmann’s first order of business was to hire All Star Hollywood Lawyer TR McCoy who had made a career, and an art of getting his clients off  on obscure technicalities. Malice spent the rest of the day in the studio binge drinking and smoking Crystal Meth, and recorded only the intro to one song.

March 3, 1988  Rage returned from a visit to the Emergency Room, and called a band meeting. Rage announced he was leaving the band, and took a moment to explain. Rage had gotten a rather toothy blow job from a heavily intoxicated Groupie resulting in Rage receiving several cuts on his cock. Rage had thought nothing of it until some of the cuts became infected, but was so freaked out that he was too scared to go to the doctor.

When Rage did finally panic enough to finally seek medical attention he was informed the infected cuts had succumbed to gangrene. In fact the gangrene was so sever at that point there was nothing the doctor could do but amputate the gangrenous penis. Rage’s medical issue didn’t end there as the gangrene had spread to include Rage’s balls which too would need to be amputated, and then he would need several skin grafts to rehabilitate his gangrene affected taint. Faced with the dire situation Rage had decided to decline further treatment, and was going to Iceland where he’d wait to die. Malice entered the Rancor Studio and finished recording their album which wasn’t hard since Malice had been playing their own songs for ages.

March 4, 1988 Malice placed an add for a new Drummer because they wanted Rage to pick his successor before he departed to Iceland and into the Grave. Rage after endless interviews and several hours of deliberation in isolation told the band he was going to hire Mitch Furry. Mitch Fury was the ex-Drummer for The Dolts, The Tools, and The Dullards all of which Rage was a fan so it seemed to make the most sense. Now While Malice had completed their first album and brainstorming a title they decided to record some Cover Tunes or B-Sides on which Fury could/would play on.

March 5, 1988 Rage boarded his flight to Iceland never to be seen again. Malice decided to dedicate their first album to Rage and settled on the name Ragearrhea (a combination of Rage and Diarrhea because Rage always got a kick out of the GG Allin Song “Eat My Diarrhea” for being so absurdly over the top) Malice spent the rest of the day editing Ragearrhea over and over never quite all agreeing it was ready for release.

That night the entire band ate Acid an downed it with 191 proof Moonshine that a fan had sent them. When the sun arose Slickmann received a phone call fro the Police from Plankton 3 towns over to come retrieve his clients. Slickmann drove directly to the Plankton Police Department assuming the boys were sitting in jail (or more likely the Drunk Tank), but when he arrived he was informed that in fact the Band hadn’t been jailed. Confused as fuck Slickmann asked then where exactly was he supposed to go to pick up his clients, and was told to drive to the So Sweet Citrus Farm just 14 miles down the road from the Police Station.

Once Slickmann arrived at So Sweet Citrus Farm Slickmann was led by a Police Officer into an Orange Grove. There looked up and saw the band, all buck naked, and sitting balled up in a rather large orange tree. The fire department was there and allowed Slickmann the use of one of their ladders to assigned up into the branches to retrieve his clients. Once Slickmann reached the first member being Von Dire reached out to grab his arm and demand what the hell was going on. Before a single finger touched Von Dire he uttered two words “Not Ripe.”

It was then Slickmann realized the band was tripping so hard they actually thought they were oranges. So Slickmann thinking fast on his feet told the band that if they weren’t safe in his car they would be picked,pulverized, and have their juice drained. Slickmann’s plan worked and one by one the band members dropped to the ground where Slickmann picked them up and carried each one to his awaiting car.

March 8, 1988 after 3 days of non stop hallucinating Malice came down and back into the studio to put the finishing touches on Ragearrhea. During the editing process Von Dire was manically twisting knobs and switching dial when he suddenly became sick and vomited bloody feces on the elaborate sound board, and then sharted out his entire liver. The Engineer flipped the fuck out and dialed 911 while trying not to vomit himself. The Coroner pronounced Von Dire Dead on Arrival (but not after stealing Von Dire’s liver which he later sold on EBay for $1.5 Million)  In Surprise and Sorrow Sleaze shot up heroin by piggy backing needles into his neck, and passed out in an ally, Vile got piss drunk and passed out under an bridge, and Fury sobered up and found himself inexplicably in Detroit.

March 9, 1988 Malice gave Von Dire the Authentic Viking Funeral he always wanted. They had a large wooden raft constructed from logs of trees nearby, placed Von Dire’s body on the raft, and then placed personal items of Dire’s such as his favorite microphone, Porno, and Bong. The band then took turns saying a few words of Dire’s behalf, and then they set the raft adrift. Once it was far enough out Von Dire’s brother Van Dire shot a flaming arrow out above the water where it found its mark hitting the raft dead on. The raft burst into flame and slowly floated off into the setting sun on the horizon.

March 10, 1988 Malice meets with Executives from Razorback Records where they gave them the completed Ragearrhea Album which they fell instantly in love with. They then tasked Malice to pick which track from the album would be their first single, and being extremely concerned over the fact their new hot band (with a new record hot of the presses) in fact had no lead singer instructed Malice to hire one ASAP Yesterday. Malice went to a downtown dive bar named The Drunkard to discuss their options as far as a new singer was concerned.

Fury had been in a band called Finger Fucker and suggested that they perhaps should consider trying to recruit their lead singer  Izzy Insane. The rest of the band agreed it wouldn’t be the worst idea to at least go check Izzy out, and as luck should have it they were playing a show later that night at The Leisure Club.

Vile and Sleaze were impressed enough that (along with Fury) they made Izzy an offer. It turned out Izzy was fighting with the other members of Finger Fucker because the band didn’t approve of Izzy getting engaged to Maxi Padd (the lead singer of all female hardcore punk band Slut City.) No member of Malice gave a shit about who Izzy was involved with in the least which Izzy found a breath fresh air. Izzy left that night with Malice not even bothering to mention he was quitting to his fellow band members in Finger Fucker.

March 11, 1988 Malice informed Razorback that they have indeed found themselves a new lead singer in Izzy Insane. A delighted Razorback informed Malice that they would start the Pre Album Release promotion machine,book numerous interviews, and would be scheduling a American as well as European Tour to also promote the Album. About 4 hours later Razorback called back and inform the band that They had announced the New Album and the supporting tour. Now this is were things started to get a bit insane.

Razorback then went on to tell the band that due to the unanticipated, but amazingly massive response towards the new Album  They were releasing the it early. Instead of sticking with the original release date of April 18th were in fact now going to release it tomorrow. That in turn meant the “Carnal Carnival” Tour would also be moved up too (when fans heard of the upcoming tour launched a berauge of demand for tickets upon any concert venue in their city desperately seeking tickets) The tour would now be starting off in the days on March 14th with the first show in Berwick-upon-Tweed Northumberland, England.

March 12, 1988 Malice headed to the International Air Port to catch their flight to England in preparation for their first show of their “Carnal Carnival” tour.  Meanwhile Razorback launched Malice’s debut Record now titled “Disputing The Charges” in America where the fans went buck wild. Record Stores sold out of the Album, Fans franticly flocked to score concert tickets like mad, and Malice sold out of all other merch (such as T-Shirts and Bumper Stickers) as well. Razorback was so overwhelmed buy the never seen before success of Malice the quickly dropped all of their other acts to solo focus on their Cash Cow. In response to the increasing demand for all things Malice Razorback also contracted 22 new factories to print as many Albums as the could with large cash bonuses for speed of production were also offered. Razorback then dealt with the Malice Concert tour issues by tripling all of Malice’s show American Concert dates (meaning if Malice was originally scheduled to play 1 show Friday they would now be playing additional shows on Saturday and Sunday), and then Razorback signed 11,314 exclusive contracts for Malice merchandising retail sales.

March 14, 1988 Razorback called Slickmann at 5 am to tell him Malice’s album had actually gone to the number one spot on the Billboard charts. Radio stations were playing 12 Malice songs an hour (an average of 3 per 15 minutes of air time), and MTV was beating down there door wanting to know when the band would be releasing a video. Based on that Razorback had booked an emergency video shoot for the very next day to capitalize on Malice’s first European Show and first show of their “Carnal Carnival”Tour.

Slickmann went to The Wellington House a lovely little British Bed and Breakfast that Razorback has mistakenly reserved for Malice’s stay while on tour. Slickmann arrived to find the Wellington trashed beyond recognition, the irate Owner screaming at the Police while his hysterical wife sat on the from lawn, and every member of the band laying about the grounds in various states of intoxication and undress. Slickmann snuck around the well distracted Police Officers and managed to collect both Vile and Fury literally dragging them by their ankles to the parked tour Van. Once Slickmann secured his first two clients (simply by buckling them into their seat, plus if they wriggled free of the seat belts the steering wheel being on the left would confuse them to no end) went back to retrieve Sane and Sleaze who were awkwardly positioned sprawled out on the front lawn.

Slickmann slithered up to the Owner’s Wife and proceeded to agitate her further into a complete tizzy. He then walked over to the Owner grabbed him by the shoulder and spun him around like a top. Once the Owner and Slickmann were face to face Slickmann suggested the man’s time would be better spent calling his lawyer than screaming at the Police. The tactic worked like a charm and the Owner took off to call his lawyer. The Police thanked Slickmann and then turned their attention to the Owner’s Wife’s mental meltdown. At this point Slickmann snagged Sleaze and Sane, ushered them to the Van and sped off as fast as he could.

Right before they were headed to the stage Malice got a call from Razorback in their dressing room. Razorback wanted to let the band know that since they had failed to pick the first single for Ragearrhea they had. Razorback decided to go with “Its Easy Being Sleazy” followed by “Liquor, Ladies, and Lingerie”, and then “Beer Belly Blues”. Malice thought that was fine because it didn’t require them to do jack diddly shit, and that combined with the fact the band actually didn’t care which song was used as the single (Sleaze was on record in an interview with Metalhead Magazine that as far as he was concerned singles shitty singles as singles were complete shit.)

The Show that night was a massive success as the fans went fucking wild, and Malice ended up playing 4 encores  after their 3 1/2 hour set. The band was in and downing good spirits, and went out to the only Strip Club called The Lusty Lass for a post show party. There Vile met a pair of Siamese Twin Sisters (they shared a mutual pinky) who worked as contortionists in a traveling State Fair, and fell madly in love with them, we’re talking head over heels hallmark type shit here. Vile ended up marrying the Spinster Sisters in two individual ceremonies at the neighbor hood Pub by a drunken Minister, and the two Sisters (Una and Dosa) joined the band for the remainder of their tour.

March, 15th 1988 Malice showed up 6 hours and High off their asses for their video shoot.  The day was a total fucking shit show as the band was too intoxicated to follow any direction no matter how simple. Sleaze kept nodding off due to having shot up enough Heroin to kill a Horse while Vile kept walking off in search of any type Alcohol, and Fury just stood in place swaying slightly drooling on himself comatose. Sane was running around like a cracked out jack rabbit after snorting a quarter ounce of Crystal Meth that morning for breakfast. The original video director walked off set saying he couldn’t work with a group of untalented American drunks and druggies, the Assistant director took over only to quit half an hour later because he couldn’t handle the ongoing chaos. At this point Slickmann knew it was time to step up his game.

First Slickmann snatched the Bottle of RotGut Fortified Wine from his trunk he kept for emergencies such as this. Slickmann then flagged down Vile and gave him the bottle along with his Bass. Then Slickmann found a Camera man who happened to sell Cocaine to supplement his income, bought an 8 Ball, and gave it to Sleaze with the instructions to “Wake The Fuck Up”. Now Slickmann turned his attention to Sane, and managed to score a handful of pills (Valium, Vicodin, Xanax, and Oxycontin) which he handed to Sane telling him to grind them up and snort them ASAP (Snorting crushed up pills allows the user to feel the effects faster then swallowing them) Finally Slickmann had to deal with Fury which he injected with an EpiPen  (which is essential Adrenaline) he stole from a onsite first aid kit.

Once the members of Malice had balanced out their intoxicants the shoot was locked and loaded, but they still need a Director so once again Slickmann stepped in as Director. The video shoot went splendidly and the band was done Shooting in just under 30 minutes. Slickmann then immediately sent the video to Razorback Records, and a copy to MTV.

May 16, 1988 Nothing Eventful or Interesting occurred. Slickmann slipped Roofies into Malice’s morning Bloody Mary’s rendering them unconscious for 19 hours straight. Slickmann had a pleasant and restful day setting up interviews, talking to various companies about sponsorship/product endorsement/advertising deals and so on.

March 17, 1988 That morning Malice did a marathon session of magazine interviews with Revolver, RollingStone, Hit Parader, Mental For Metal, and  Circus just for starters. Malice also had done a ton of interviews via the phone with Radio Shows such as Bubba and BooYah in the Morning, The Howard Stern Show, and The Greaseman Morning Show. The Band went to The Booze Hound Bar and drank their lunch before heading over to a local High School where Slickmann had the AV Club ready and waiting to film an interview for MTV’s Headbanger’s Ball (MTV’s Saturday at Midnight Heavy Metal Show). After the MTV video interview was done Malice headed off to The Local Yokel Amphitheater in Swansea Wales a rough and tumble town plagued by poverty and drug addiction.

The Show was a raging success with the Highlight being Sane led the Audience in a sing-a-long of their Cock Rock Classic “Free Mustache Rides (All Day Long)” and pulled one lucky Fan on stage to sing the chorus for Malice’s impromptu  a cover of  The Eater’s of The Dead” by the Legendary Punk Band The Perv’s.

March 18, 1988 At an early breakfast meeting Sleaze announced that he felt at home in Swansea’s nitty gritty and often shitty city life. Plus there was plenty of high grade Heroin to go around so Sleaze truly was in his element. With this sudden and new life choice Sleaze would be leaving the band to pursue his dream of being a washed up junkie has been. Before Malice’s Management shit the bed Sleaze informed the band he had already found his/their replacement guitarist. Sleaze’s replacement would his younger brother Davie Scum who already knew all of Malice’s songs by heart, and who’s last band The Dire had imploded over artistic differences. The other members of Malice didn’t object as they figured if Davie was Sleaze’s Little brother then he’d be bad ass enough for them.

That night’s show was a disaster of epic proportions. First off Malice missed sound check showing up while their opening act The Slags (a local band booked for that night) were in the middle of their set. The Slags were having a hell of a night and the crowd was on fucking fire so The Slags did a couple of encores to a roaring Audience. When the Slags announced they’d be playing yet another encore Malice lost their collective Mind. All Members of Malice ran out on stage and started pushing and shoving members of The Slag’s while trying to wrestle their instruments from them.

Gunther Gunner the lead Singers of The Slags head butted the shit out of Sane breaking his nose, Vile then kicked Gunner square in the balls so hard he vomited. Seeing this Roger Dodger (the Guitarist of The Slags) grabbed his guitar strap off his guitar and proceeded to whip Vile relentlessly with it like a dog. Fury came to Vile’s aid by smashing Dodger upside his head with a Microphone Stand which split Dodger’s head open like a ripened cantaloupe sending a torrent of blood exploding forth from a massive gash on Dodger’s forehead. Scum being the new kid on the block and not wanting to show band unity Started breaking beer bottles over the head of any The Slags band members. Security scrambled on stage to stop the brawl and became part of it instead, it was a may lay of fists and feet as the fight turned into every man for themselves.

The fans of each band in the front row started beating the hell out of each other which spread through out the Audience until the entire venue had erupted in a full blown Riot. The Police came speeding in with their lights blazing, and officers started jumping out of their patrol cars and strapping into their riot gear. The fans began vandalizing the Venue, and set fire to all of the concession booths as the first round of Tear Gas came raining down. By the time Law Enforcement had gotten the scene under control 227 Fans were treated for various injuries (ranging from small cuts to a gut who got kicked so hard in the head his eyes popped, and swung back end forth on the optic nerves), 379 Fans were arrested, and one Fan died (it was later corner listed the cause of death as a heart attack most likely caused by the extreme excitement of seeing his favorite band Malice Live). Malice was arrested, held over night, and released on $500,000 Bail with a new list of charges.

March 19, 1988 Malice Arrived in Italy for their show in the city of Urbino the next day, when they were stopped by customs. A Customs Agent led the band into a small detention room where they were met by The Polizia di Stato (The Italy’s State Police). The Polizia where there to inform the Band that they were there to Arrest Vic Vile on the charge of Polygamy. They stated that since Vile had married the Spinster Sister’s Una and Dosa individually meaning he was in fact married to two different women.

Slickmann sent for the Band’s high profile Lawyer TR McCoy who arrived a few hours later on his private sonic jet, and then jumped in a waiting Bentley Limo he had custom made (TR McCoy lived in Italy one month out of the year, and owned a spacious Mediterranean Villa in Venice) By the time TR McCoy arrived at the Police station he was told Vile had been taken to the Court House already to stand trial. McCoy then hauled ass over to the Court House only to discover Vile’s trial was already over, and he had been found guilty. McCoy then sped over to the County Prison to consult with Vile and see if he could bail him out, but once at the Prison the Warden told McCoy that since Vile had been found guilty he was then sentenced immediately. Now considering the Italy’s long and illustrious history of Christianity (and high concentration of Catholic’s )called for a Polygamist  be put to death. So for all his efforts and killer response time McCoy was too late to do a damn thing, but to arrange Vile’s body to be sent back to America for Burial.

Malice’s show that night fared no better. The Stadium that Malice was scheduled to play at was being protested and heavily picketed by the Catholic Coalition of Christ since Malice had been condemned as an abomination by the current Pope. That nights fill in bassist (for the newly deceased Vic Vile was strolling into the venue when the Protester’s spotted and attacked him pelting him mercilessly with Crucifixes, Whipping him with Rosaries, and beating him brutally with a various variety of Bibles. The poor guy ended up in a mock crucifixion in the middle of the parking lot.

The Protest was so heated that when Malice arrived they were trapped on their tour bus surrounded by religious fanatics with signs that said things like “Malice: The Sound Track To Hell” or “Malice is the Sinful Servants of SATAN” screaming scripture non stop yelling over each other. Malice decided the protest was a huge hassle and had agreed leaving was their only option, but not before Scum climbed out of the emergency exit on the roof off the bus to address the protesters.

Scum  repeatedly made the sign of the cross upside down, waving his “Devil Horns” (as the hand jester is referred too), and pelting people with copies of The Cult of Id’s “Hedonism Not Hell” inciting further rage against the group. Scum then attempted to shit on the Protesters, but to no avail as he was seriously constipated due to taking fist full of Opioid Pain Killers) Slickmann buckled down that night (while Malice retreated to Sex Club for its Annual All Anal Orgy, and tried to do all of the drugs in Italy) for the PR nightmare no doubt coming first thing in the morning.

March 20, 1988 The phone rang off the fucking hook starting at 6 am as a the Press blitzkrieg began. It seemed ever Media outlet was beating down Malice’s Hotel room door to get a piece of the impending Scandal steaming from last nights failed show. Scum went on record stating his official opinion was that the Protesters (as well as anyone else) were fanatical assholes who Weaponize the Bible for their own personal beliefs or agendas. Sane’s statement to the Press was simply that “I shoot Dope with The Pope.” Meanwhile Fury got so shitfaced that he just rambled incoherently about different conspiracy theories such as the Illuminati were behind the anti-Malice Protest.

Now while Malice manned the phones Slickmann had to deal with the shipping of Vile’s body Stateside which had happened to go from bad to worse. The Italian Government claimed they had sent the body via an International Cargo Ship, but Vile’s body had been somehow lost at sea along the voyage. Slickmann had to think fast and came up with the plan to call Vile’s Family (and as far as the Press was concerned) and tell them Vic wanted to be Buried at Sea. Next on Slickmann’s agenda was handling his fair share of the Press Onslaught that was still raging on with no sign of stopping. After several hours of dealing with the Press Slickmann realized in all the chaotic madness that no one had addressed the fact that Malice needed a replacement Bassist.

Slickmann thought up a Hail Mary, and had Sane contact his Fiancé Maxi Padd who was the Singer/Bassist of the All Female Punk Band Slut City. In a turn of good luck Slut City was on hideous so She was able to fill in for Vile until the end of the tour. Once again association with a Malice member was good enough to get the green light from the rest of the band making Maxi the official new Malice Bassist.

That nights show at the Benito de Soto Amphitheater was suddenly cancelled because apparently a gang of Soccer Hooligans at the previous night’s game between intense rivals The Matador ‘s versus The Revolucionaria de los Trabajadores Alliance got out of hand. Well in fact it turned into one giant fist fight between fan’s as bottles and Molotov Cocktails were tossed around like footballs. By the time the Police dispersed the Crowd, and arrested as many perpetrators as they could the Amphitheater was well on its way to burning to the ground.

March 22, 1988 Malice was detained at Ireland’s Kilkenny International Air Port under suspicion of Smuggling Exotic Animals. It only took about 15 minutes or so for the band to be cleared by Customs, and they headed straight to the Hotel accommodations. Slickmann had booked the band the Penthouse Suit to celebrate the tour success thus far a decision he’d later regret.

That nights show at The NewDublin Stadium went off without incident which was a relief to many. Back at the Penthouse Malice called in a small army of Escorts and Strippers up, and hired a professional camera crew to film their Rock Opera Porno Movie. For the next 3 days Malice barricaded themselves in the Penthouse running up a six figure room service tab as Pimps, Prostitutes, Porn Stars, and Associated Drug Dealers came and went  constantly in and out 24 hours a day in a seemingly endless procession. The Hotel Management was on the verge of calling the Police the entire 72 hours, but Slickmann threw enough money at them that held off. Slickmann had again contacted TR McCoy the band’s high powered Lawyer and had him fly in to assist with the legal issues of the absurd situation.

On the evening of the 3rd day Malice finally emerged from the Penthouse suit looking like cadavers with pale skin, sunken eyes, blank expressions, and in a drug induced haze. Skillmann checked every member of Malice into the closest Detox he could find to have the drugs pumped out of his half dead clients. While Malice was Detoxing Slickmann met up with TR McCoy back at the Hotel for a meeting at the infamous Rock Opera Porn suit as it was now being referred to by the staff. When the two walked into the Penthouse looked more like a Crack House.

The furniture for the most part had been smashed to pieces or had just seemed to have vanished into thin air. There were 4 bare mattresses laying randomly on the floor which was littered in a thick blanket of Beer and Booze Bottles. Over flowing ash trays were perched on every viable surface like little cancer landslides. The toilet was broken, the shower had been left running and there was a variety of drug paraphernalia stashed all over the place, Crack Pipes in the couch, empty Drug Baggies laying all about, mirrors coated with Cocaine residue, numerous syringes, Meth Pipes on and under the only remaining table, Heroin spoons in the kitchen lined the counter like from some Dope Shooting contest, and clusters of empty pill bottles were stacked up in the corners. Slickmann and McCoy instantly agreed to have their discussion out in the hall as they were sure they would contract every venlarial disease known to man.

McCoy said he would fend off any possible legal issues with the Hotel with a fat ass check, and any issues’s with local Law Enforcement McCoy would claim that due to the prolific drug/alcohol use were rendered temporarily insane due to drug induced psychosis. Slickmann’s job was to hunt down and confiscate every piece of footage of Malice or their movie from the past 72 hours and destroy it which somehow he managed to do by asking questions and writing a plethora of checks. Slickmann then picked up Malice at the Detox and escorted then directly to their private plane without a single moment to waste. As Malice’s plane was just taking off the Police showed up and stormed the Airport looking to arrest Malice for a Soliciting Prostitution, Soliciting Narcotics, Vandalism, Grand Theft (the missing Hotel Furniture), Illegal filming of Pornographic material, Bribery, Obstruction of Justice, and Obscenity. McCoy remained behind at the Air Port to deal with Police and Malice’s long list of assorted charges.

March 25, 1988 Malice’s arrival in Germany was met with a grand fanfare as hundreds of Fans had found out where and when Malice’s plane (usually kept as a well guarded secret to avoid Fan interference) was landing. Skillmann instructed the Pilot to take off and head for McMillan Air Strip immediately. After landing once again this time at a Fan free Airport Malice hurriedly made their way to the Concert Venue cancelling their Hotel reservation on the way (they figured if the mob at the Airport had found out when/where they were landing then they more than likely knew what Hotel they were staying at.)

That night Malice played to a record setting sold out crowd of Beer Fueled Fanatical Fans. During the guitar solo for Malice’s number one album chart topping song “Late Night Loving” Malice’s equipment over powered the Stadium’s electrical system causing it to explode, and shrouding the entire Stadium in a cloak of darkness. This prompted Scum to snag a Megaphone and invite everyone in attendance to join Malice for drinks at The Duggered Dog Pub down the street from the Stadium. Malice stayed to party with their adoring fans into the wee hours of the morning, and ended up going straight from The Duggered Dog to their Plane the next day.

On the way to the plane Slickmann noticed Fury was missing from the line up. Slickmann then interrogated the other members of Malice as to Fury’s whereabouts, but still being 16 times the legal limit none of them seemed to know. Sane volunteered that Fury had left the Pub in search of information on his German heritage. Slickmann breathed a sigh of relief, and couldn’t believe his luck that the answer to Fury’s exact location at this time was such an easy one. Slickmann told the chauffeur to drive to The National German Heritage Museum.

The scene that greeted Slickmann when he arrived at the National German Heritage Museum was right out of a TV Crime Drama. There were 2 Police cars parked with their light flashing but sirens off behind a Ambulance. On the sidewalk in front of the museum were two EMTs standing on either side of a man strapped to a stretcher, and that man was Mitch Fury naked covered head to toe in what looked like shit. Slickmann approached one of the EMTS to inquire to what the hell happened.

The EMT told him that when the staff of the museum had showed up to work that morning they noticed that one of the front windows had been smashed out. Initially they thought it was just some local high school vandals had gotten drunk and decided to raise hell. Upon entering the museum however they saw sign of an intruder leading from the broken window into the World War 2 Wing of the museum. It was at that point the concerned staff phoned the Police who arrived promptly to investigate the breaking and entering.

What the Police found was as disturbing as it was absurd. Fury was totally naked, covered in his own feces clutching the leg of a Mannequin dressed in a Nazi SS Uniform, swaying back and forth while muttering “I’m a Piece of Shit” over and over inconsolably. From what the Police had figured out at this point was an intoxicated Fury had broken into the museum to “research” his family tree as he was of German heritage, and had suffered a sudden phycological breakdown when he found out he was directly related to Adolf Hitler (via a bastard baby Hitler had with a Sausage Factory Worker in 1939) Slickmann called the Record Label as Fury was taken to Schietzer State Metal Hospital for further evaluation.

March 26, 1988 After hearing Slickmann’s update on Malice and their current tour instructed Skillmann to do the following. The first was get Malice on their plane and fly them State side immediately, and leave Fury in the care of the German Mental Health Professionals for now. Razorback wasn’t having Malice return because they were pissed off at the Band for their excessive on and off stage outrageous antics it was quite the opposite. Razorback had racked up so much money from having Malice as a client was truly monumental (example half of the current staff at Razorback got so rich that the retired early). Thus it was in Razorback’s best financial interests to have their Cash Cow back in the pasture. They set up a stay for Malice at the most secluded and private (not to mention government level security) Hawaiian’s Elite Spa where they were to go directly from the German Airport. Slickmann was then told to fly to Los Angeles to meet with the company heads at Razorback Records to talk shop and marketing strategies.

For the rest of the month of March Malice enjoyed the Coconut-Ketamine Coma Dream Therapy offered at Elite Spa, lounging by the poor downing Daiquiris, smoking high grade Marijuana, and chronically masturbating like Monkeys. Skillmann met with the Executives at Razorback for a 5 day all out marketing madman meeting holed up in the company’s Board Room surviving on Energy Drinks, Protein Bars, and a copious amount Gin.

Stay Tuned For Malice: The Band That Almost Killed Us All part 4 Coming Soon…..

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober 

Chaos & The 2 Year Career: Malice The Band That Almost Killed Us All Part 2

NOTE: Alright Reader from now on I will be using a Time Line to keep this post entertaining and no longer than it needs to be.

Feb. 5th, 1988  “Mad as Hell” Tour ends, and Gar Fisch announces he is leaving the band due to the physical toll that the Stank Breath Years had taken on his body and health. For Example due to Gar’s firecracker anal oriented antics had left Gar with a permanently prolapsed asshole.

Feb. 7th, 1988 Von Dire calls an emergency band meeting, and after several rounds of Tequila Shots and Nitrous Whip Its decided to hire a manager. They settled on Marty Trundle who immediately terminated their contract with RatFuck Records and got them signed to WhoreMonger Records a major International label.

Feb. 9th, 1988 WhoreMonger books Malice on a 6 month Festival Tour across North America and Europe. Malice celebrates with a 72 hour drug binge ending in the band being arrested for Public Intoxication, Public Nudity, and Defecting in Public.

Feb. 13th, 1988 Trundle introduced Dire, Vile, and Rage to Ex-Sleaze guitarist Eddie Sleaze as a possible replacement for Gar Fisch. The band and Sleaze bond over countless beers and lines of Cocaine. Somewhere along the way Sleaze was officially hired as Malice’s replacement guitarist.

Feb. 15th, 1988 Malice hit the road for the start of the “WhoreMonger’s Whores” Tour with their first show in Peoria Illinois at The Mental Metal Festival. The show ended early because the Fire Marshall showed up and informed the Festival Promoter the amount of Pyrotechnics Malice planned to use were considered “A Hazardous Explosive Threat”. The Promotoer facing a massive fine as well as having his entire Festival shut down radioed the Stage Manager and told him to halt any future Pyrotechnics Malice was planning to use. When the Pyrotechnics didn’t go off during the drum solo Von Dire was infuriated beyond belief.

The rest of the band seeing something serious was going down stopped playing mid song. The confused Crowd was left standing in a muddy field wondering why the show they paid for suddenly stopped during the Headliner’s set. Von Dire grabbed the Promoter by the front of his shirt and dragged him on stage to confront him. Vile, Rage, and Sleazy abandoned their instruments as they walked over to see what the fuck the deal was. A now enraged Von Dire is screaming at the top of his lungs about how no bullshit is going to fuck up his show, Malice wanted to be financially compensated for the pyrotechnics not being used, and that the Promoter he was a sniveling, slippery little shit.

Sleaze decided he felt the same as Von Dire about the situation, and did nothing but piss gas on the fire by agitating Von Dire further and further. Rage left the stage pissed off, and not wanting to deal with this shit show so he was going to get shitfaced. Vile managed to get between Von Dire and the Promoter and was struggling to keep the two men apart as now the Promoter was angry as hell about being physically and verbally assaulted by Von Dire. With things utterly out of control Vile punched Von Dire in the balls and handed him off to a Roadie. Before Vile could explain himself  (hitting Von Dire in the balls was the only way for anyone to shut him down) was hit over the head with an empty beer bottled wielded by Sleaze.

The Stage crew, Festival Security, and the arrival of the Police combined managed to get things under control, but the Festival would be rescheduled for a later date due to the uproar that tonights show. Von Dire and Sleaze went to jail for Assault and Terroristic Threats, Vile went to the Emergency Room and received 19 stitches, and Rage ended up in the ER as well for Alcohol Poisoning later that night.

Feb. 18th, 1988 Malice plays the Wisconsin “Heavy Metal Massacre” Festival. The show goes well and without incident, but after the show things got pretty fucking crazy. After their set Malice retired to their dressing room for a pre celebration party celebration. They did so much Blow that they effectively snorted themselves into cocaine psychosis, ended up at the air for, barged through a line of people waiting to board their plane, and ended up on a flight to Albany NY. Luckily Trundle made it to the air port before the plane took off, but had to have the pilot to agree to taxi around the runway. This way Trundle argued he could convince the band they in fact had completed their impromptu plane ride.

Feb. 20th, 1988 Malice shows up a day early for Salt Lake City’s “SLC Metal Mayhem” Festival in Utah. Vile went to the Bauhaus Brewery (No relation to the post-punk band Bauhaus) and managed to get kicked out for being too drunk for the brewery tour. Trundle came and picked up the heavily intoxicated Vile and drove him to the Hotel Harrison to sleep it off.

Trundle then received a call that Rage was at The Pink Pussy also drunk off his ass and had jumped up on stage to preform his own strip tease. Though the Police had been called to the scene Trundle managed to convince them to let Rage go with a drunk and disorderly misdemeanor. While Trundle was running around like a mad man trying to keep his clients out of jail, the hospital or the Coroner’s Von Dire and Sleaze took a Ferrari for a test drive and traded it for $10,000 of Crack.

Now with a fat sack filled with high quality Crack Rocks walked to the nearest Shitty Corner Neighborhood Hellhole ran up a $379 tab before the two pulled a Booze-N-Bolt stiffing the elderly bartender who called the Cops. Fueled by a serious supply of Crack Von Dire and Sleaze picked up some $2 Hookers, and got a room at the nearest Flop House Motel (You know the kind where you pay by the hour and no one snitches)

After a STD ridden sexfest Von Dire and Sleazy had literally burned through their Crack Stash opted to inject Adderall into their necks. This is when all of a sudden Trundle burst into the room. He knew where the two were at because he had placed a GPS Tracker in one Vile’s many pieces of jewelry. Trundle had done this because after 12 years in the music business he had learned how to keep track off “High Risk” Talent. Trundle took Von Dire and Sleazy to a local 24 hour Drug Detox Center and had both their systems flushed free off Narcotics.

Feb 20th Malice misses their set at the “SLC Metal Mayhem” Festival due to the band was still recovering from the partying they did the night before. When the Crowd found out Malice was going to be a No Show they began to riot tearing the venue to pieces. In a last ditch effort to end the riot without incident or Police involvement the Festival’s Promoter announced that another fan favorite The Savage Savages would be taking Malice’s spot, and there would be a free meet-N-Greet after the show. This soothed the seething fans who stopped the destruction and celebrated in jubilation. The night ended with no one getting hurt or arrested, it was nothing short of a miracle.

Feb 21st Malice arrive at “Madmen of Metal” Festival in Hoonah Alaska population 740 (571 of which were rabid Malice Fans). The Show was one of Malice’s most notorious they ever preformed. As the band launched into their number one hit “Shit Sandwich” a rouge Penguin waddled on stage. Von Dire being lit as shit on LSD and Mushrooms was completely oblivious, and accidentally kicked the poor Penguin square in the face. What no one knew at the time that the Penguin was in actuality the prized pet of an Inuit Tribal Chief who took it as a gravest of insults. The still oblivious Von Dire instructed Malice to play their unit-authoritarian anthem “Fuck’em All” in response to the angry Inuit barrage. As the Inuits fought security Malice played on further infuriating the already anger Inuits who now where well aware they were being mocked by Malice’s music.

The Inuit’s at last had dispensed of every security guard and ran up on stage, grabbed Von Dire, Sleaze and Vile, tried a rope around their ankles, attached the other end of the rope to awaiting Dog Sleds, and then told the Sled Dogs to Mush dragging the 3 musicians off into the freezing pitch black of the Alaskan night. Von Dire, Vile, and Sleaze where found 8 hours later when the Sled Dogs stopped to take 5. All 3 were treated for frost bite and hypothermia and made a full recovery in a matter of days.

Malice was charged by the State of Alaska for Animal Abuse, Desecrating Sacred Tribal Soil, and Hate Crimes against the indigenous Inuits. None of these law suites was ever settled because Malice Self Destructed before the length court process was complete. To this day no one knows how Rage avoided capture including Rage who was blackout drunk before taking the stage.

Feb 23, 1988 Finally released from the Alaskan Hospital Von Dire, Vile, and Sleaze rejoined Rage and the band departed for the Oregan’s “Masters of Metal” Festival in the town of Ashland. Before the show Sleaze had an altercation with the opening band Pisser’s drummer. Apparently Sleaze was not a fan of Pisser’s music and considered them to be Punk Rock Wannabe’s. Sleaze had spent the day insulting the band, and talking mad shit to anyone who’d listen. Then Sleaze was approached by a reporter for “Heavy Metal Magazine” for a on the spot interview about the Festival Tour thus far, and how the band was handling it. During the interview of course Sleazy used the platform to further insult Pisser claiming their guitarist Ulrich “The Urinal” Upschicker was a shitty Eddie Sleaze imitation. Sleaze went on to further claim Pisser stole Stank Breath’s musical style in a lame attempt to capitalize on Malice’s wild success.

Later that night during Malice’s encore that night Ulrich made an unscheduled and unwanted appearance. Ulrich walked determinately onto the stage waiving a Giant, Double Headed, Neon Pink Dildo, and then walked over to Sleaze. Sleaze who was already striding across the stage to see what the fuck Ulrich was doing dropped his guitar and flipped Ulrich off with both hands. Ulrich then charged at Sleaze wailing the Dildo until he got face to face with Sleaze at which point he Pimp Slapped Sleaze across the face knocking him backwards.

Rage then threw his drum sticks at Ulrich who responded by ducking the drum sticks and laughing manically at Rages attempt to thwart him. Rage then came bolting out from behind his drums like a Bull in a china shop knocking his entire drum kit off the drum stage. Once Rage hit the stage he unceremoniously tripped over part of his drum kit and twisted his ankle sending him crashing down face first through his Bass Drum.

This amused Ulrich who now was being some what restrained by Security to no end, and further facilitating Ulrich’s maniacal Laughing. fit. Sleaze at the same time was distracted from Ulrich because he was busy battling Security to get off of him. Sleaze head butted several Security Guards before breaking free long enough to run across the stage, leap over the heads of the Security Guards surrounding Ulrich, and hit him with one hell of a Haymaker. The Punch hit Ulrich with such force it knocked out Ulrich’s two front teeth. Security consolidated their efforts on Sleaze at that point as Ulrich was distracted now looking for his teeth, and hollering for a Gallon of Milk.

Vile and Von Dire scrambled around avoiding Security as a couple of Roadies managed to retrieve Rage from amid the chaos to the on site EMT Tent. Von Dire spent his time dodging Security to rile the Crowd into a fit of frenzy until the Promoter cut the mic. This didn’t stop Von Dire who continued to scream at the Crowd inciting a violent relation against Pisser and any asshole who would hire them. Vile grabbed a bottle of Whiskey from the side of the stage (and downed the entire bottle) while ducking Security who were desperately trying to end the fight between Sleaze and Ulrich. The Police showed up in full Riot Gear and started using Tear Gas to disperse the unruly Crowd sending Malice fleeing the stage. Malice made it safely (aside from Rage’s self induced sprained ankle) to the waiting tour bus, and Trundle put the peddle to the metal speeding off down the Highway words the next show.

Feb. 26th 1988 Malice had spent the last couple of days on the way to South Dakota’s “Mega Metalfest” Festival in the town of Wall on the phone doing hundreds of interviews with the press in America, Asia, Canada, and Europe. Undoubtedly Malice was dominating the music scene across every medium Televisions, Newspapers, Magazines, and Word of Mouth. By the time Malice pulled into Wall their ego’s were so inflated they cancelled their performance, and announced it was due to the fact they had become too famous to play a town like Wall (whose a year round population of 800.)

Feb 28th 1988 The final day of the Festival Circuit Malice had fired Trundle and were actively looking for new representation. They had also terminated their deal with WhoreMonger and signed instead with Razorback Records who promised they could record their first album immediately. See up to this point though Malice’s success was sizable it was built sold on their live shows, they hadn’t even recorded a single song. That nights show was wild as Malice hit the stage in high spirits and ended up playing 4 encores before showering the audience with $250,000 worth of Champaine (the Band used the entire $250,000 signing bonus with Razorback on the extravagance) Malice spent the rest of the night driving around town partying with everyone who crossed their path.

Stay Tuned for the Next Installment Of Malice The Band Who Almost Killed Us All posting NEXT after this radically surreal piece by SpaceDog.

Thank for Reading,

Les Sober