confrontation – f-your blog

And This Fucking Guy

When it comes to Neighbors the one thing I have Learned over the years is They are more fucking Trouble then they are Worth. There are Exceptions to the Rule that is True, but as a General Rule of Thumb is Neighbors are a Necessary Evil. Don’t get Me Wrong here I’m not an Out and Out asshole or anything like that. I’ll through up a Cursory Wave Hello when I see My Neighbors to be Polite and all that, YET I’m intentionally trying Not to get to know Them. The Primary reason Neighbors are fucking Dicks is if You give Them an Inch They’ll take a motherfucking Mile. Neighbors Request for Favors quickly becomes Completely fucking Unrealistic and overly Demanding of Your Time. It can Start with something as Little like Your Neighbor Borrowing something Small like a Rake or Some Other benign Bullshit. Then the Next thing You know They’re asking You to Help Them Move, Take Them to the Airport, Babysit Their Crappy Kids, House Sit while They’re on Vacation Etc.

I have an Advantage when its comes to Annoying Neighbors since Where I live currently 80% of the Houses in My Neighborhood are Empty almost all Year Long. This is because the Majority of Homes Here are Vacation Homes so the Owners Actually live Farther away in more Populated Areas. There are however a Handful of Residents that do in fact Live Here Full Time. I recently met One of these Full Timers just the Other Day and it was Nothing Short of a Supreme Shitshow. Let’s Start at the Beginning for Clarity Purposes if Nothing Else. So this is the Story of My Dumbfuck Neighbor Named Anthony Who I Dubbed Anthony The Asshole, and You’ll see Why but he End of the Story.

It all fucking Started on a fucking Friday when Anthony decided that Moving into a Wooded Area wasn’t to His liking Anymore. Thus Anthony Hired a LARGE Tree Maintenance Crew to Cut Down EVERY fucking Tree on His 2 Plus Acre Lot. Now these weren’t just Typical Trees these fuckers were Old as fuck. I mention the Age of the Trees because the Older the Tree the Bigger, and Anthony’s Trees were No Joke 60-100 Feet Tall. Due to the Number and Size of the fucking Trees the Crew started at 7:00am and Worked Until it got to Dark which was about 8-8:30 pm since it was Summer at the Time. So All fucking Weekend at the Asscrack of Dawn the Crew would Start. Once They Started the Rest of the Day was Dominated by Extremely fucking Loud Mechanical Noises (Example: Wood Chippers, Chainsaws, Yelling at Each other because They couldn’t Hear over Their Own fucking Noise and More).

Now the thing is that while They did Throw a ton of Branches and shit into the Giant Wood Chipper, and as is the Habit around here They piled up the Small Twigs/Branches and Burned Them. When it came to the Huge ass Stripped Tree Trunks They cut Them into 20 plus foot Segments so that They could be Transported via Log Truck to the Near by Lumber Mill. Accept that Didn’t happen since legitimately Trucking out the Trunks would Cost a Pretty fucking Penny that’s for Sure. So Asshole Anthony had a Very Different fucking Idea about how He would Deal with the Situation and Save Money.

At this Point I’m going to take a Brief Pause because there is an Important fucking Detail Pertaining to the Story. Behind My House is an Old Dirt Road that was Built in Anticipation of a Multiple Home Building Project. For whatever Reason 30 some odd Years ago the Housing Construction Project Failed (and it Failed Massively) yet the Dirt Road Remained. On the Other Side of the Dirt Road in a Large Section of Woods that is Owned by the County. The Point being that I, Nor do Any of My Neighbors, Own that Section of Woods so there is Nothing We can do about what Happens on that certain Piece of Property. The issue with the Woods is that People are Lazy as fuck so They just Dump Their Yard Trash (and sometimes Leftover Construction Supplies like Nails, Broken Windows, Scraps of Wood etc) into the aforementioned Woods. Well Anthony decided that instead of Paying to have the Tree Trunks Transported Off/Away He opted to Line the Dirt Road with Them.

Normally I wouldn’t give a Good goddamn what the fuck Anthony was doing, BUT I don’t want to Sit on My fucking Back Porch and Stare at the Rotting Tree Trunks. I went about contacting Several Other Neighbors Who’s Houses also have the Dirt Road running behind Them Too. They all were Pissed Off because No One wants to look at Decaying Tree Trunks, and it’s Also a fucking Disrespectful (Not to mention Insulting) thing to do. By Dumping the Tree Trunks in such a Manner Anthony was Effectively saying “FUCK YOU ALL I’LL DO WHAT I WANT REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU THINK!” which was the Core Reason that Everyone was Insanely Pissed Off. We all agreed this was a bullshit Situation, and that We would Contact the Appropriate County Office to come out and Deal with it since it was Their Land. The issue We faced was when We called No Actual Person ever Answered and We were Directed to leave a Message. As You May have Guessed No One ever gave Us a Call back regardless of How many time We called or Messages We Left.

At fucking Last My Next Door Neighbor actually ran into a County Employee named Will while at the Grocery Store of all Places. Once Will learned what was going on He replied there was Nothing He could do since the County doesn’t give a shit. He explained there were a shit load of Various Parcels of Land around the Entire County that the County Owned, and that They Didn’t care about Any of it or Maintain. Will did throw Us a Bone by giving Us the number to Some Higher Up that We could Contact. Though Will warned Us that it Most likely wouldn’t Accomplish jack shit. We called anyway and Will was absolutely right it was Utterly Useless. Whoever the Higher Up was essentially repeated Exactly what Will had Said. Thus left with No recourse Everyone got even more Bent about the Situation and That was That. Well Not Exactly as Far as I was Concerned and Not by a Long Shot.

I admit I have a a Seriously Bad fucking Temper combined with a Love of Revenge which is a Volatile Combination. My problem was I couldn’t Handle this Issue the way(s) I Normally would because BOTH Anthony and I are full time Residents. Not to mention I can see the motherfucker’s House down the way from My fucking Front Porch. So I knew it would be Best not to Start a Lengthy Fight that could Evolve into a fucking Feud which is Still a thing around Here. Not to Mention that it would Inevitably make Both Anthony and My Lives Miserable and would End Badly. Now What I wanted to do was Storm on Down to Anthony’s House, Knock on His Door, and When He Answered Stab Him in the fucking Face with a Rusty Fork. Now Obviously Violent Rage Fueled Impulsive Behavior can Only lead to One being either Arrested, as well as Possibly Injured or Killed, which is/are Detrimentally Counterproductive.

Still I couldn’t just Sit on My ass and Not do a Goddamn thing about this Ridiculous Bullshit. First I took a look in My Garage Diligently poking around until I found what I was Searching for a Can of Bright Red Spray Paint. Once I had Acquired the Spray Paint I then Proceeded to Tag Every fucking Tree Trunk that Anthony Lined Up along the Side of the fucking Road with “<—–262 WTF” (262 is Anthony’s House Number). I did this so Any and Everyone would know Who the Asshole was responsible for this Shit Show. You see with My fucking Luck some Santee County Clerk would actually give enough of a shit to Check the Land, and then get in My fucking Face about it like it’s My Fault.

Then I decided to go the Public Shaming Route which was a New Tactic for Me as I prefer to Run in Head First with Guns fucking Blazing. Needless to say I had a Great Deal of Homework to do on the Subject of Public Shamming and Not wanting to Waste Any Time got right to it. I found out rather Quickly that My Small Town utilizes Social Media with a Facebook Page as well as Using the NextDoor App. I then took to My Laptop and Posted the Entire Story on Both Platforms Calling Anthony Out by Name. It is important to Inform Readers that I used My Real Name on Both Posts. I didn’t Use a Fictitious Username and I didn’t Opt to use an “Anonymous” Option I have No Reason to Lie or Hide behind a Screen. If I call someone out on Their bullshit then I Always use My Real Name as Well since it’s Only Fair.

In a Matter of just a Few fucking Minutes Other Neighbors as well as Town Residents Chimed in. They were All in Agreement that Anthony was a Dick and What He did was an Asshole Move no doubt about it. At this Point I was Glad that I had Used the Spray Paint since I had No fucking Idea if Anthony Used Facebook or NextDoor in the First Place. 48 Hours Passed after the Spray Paint and Social Media Public Shaming when it Produced Real Results. It started with Anthony showing up in Person while I was Working on My Front Porch enjoying the Favorable Weather.

Now My Porch is Elevated so it has a Stair Case leading up from the Driveway with a Gate at the Top. Once Anthony got Out of His Car (I don’t know why the Lazy Bastard didn’t just fucking Walk Over) and Approached the Stairs I instructed Him to Stop in His Tracks. I then Announced that Anthony could Stay exactly where the fuck He Stood as I wanted to take Immediate Control of the in suing Conversation. To His credit Anthony Obliged and Remained were He was for the Duration of Our Encounter. Anthony then Stated that He did in fact see the Spray Painted Tree Trunks and Realized He had Pissed Someone Off. As Soon as He was Done with His Initial Statement I informed Him He was Correct and that Person He pissed off was Me.

Once Anthony knew it was Me He pissed off He launched into this Babbling Rant ironically about what a fucking Great Neighbor He is. He told Me that He does Favors for His/Our Neighbors all the Time like Cutting Their Lawn for Example, and that the Neighborhood Loved Him as a Whole. At this Point I was thinking to Myself what a Load of Happy Horseshit that Part of the Rant was. I have Lived here 7 Plus Years and I have NEVER seen Anthony lift a fucking Finger to Help Anyone but Himself. I continued to Listen to Anthony’s unending Line of Bullshit as He Claimed that He did indeed Talk to all the Neighbors about His Plans to Line the Road behind Our Houses. Anthony then mad the Claim that All of the Other Neighbors all Signed off on it with No Problem.

When Anthony allegedly came to Talk to Me about His Shitty Plan that I wasn’t Home at the Time. Now My Problem with Anthony’s Claims started with the Fact that more than Half the Houses in Question are Vacation Homes. That means they are Empty at least 90% of the Year basically anytime Outside of Summer. So how the fuck did Anthony discuss a damn thing with the Owners since the Houses are fucking Vacant?! The Second Problem with Anthonys Lame Claims is if I wasn’t Home when He stopped by then Why the fuck didn’t He come Back at a Later Date when I was Home. Not to Mention He could have Left a Note stating He would like to Talk to Me about His Landscaping Plan. Also Anthony could have jumped on Social Media Himself to Contact any of the Neighbors in Question. The Fact is according to His Story Anthony came by Once, I wasn’t there, and Anthony decided to fuck off without Notice and Chose Not to Double Back to Inform Me of anything.

The Next thing Anthony said was One of the Dumbest fucking things I have ever heard someone Say. While it is True that People illegally Dump shit in the Woods Anthony’s Plan to Combat the Problem was Straight up Stupid. Anthony told Me that to Help Cut down on illegal Dumping was to Create a Barrier along the Side of the Road. This New Barrier was/is Supposed to Help Deter Trash Dumping Dipshits. Now it is Painfully fucking Obvious even to a Blind Man that Creating Anthony’s Tree Truck Barrier was Utterly Useless. Did Anthony actually Believe that Excuse would Work I’ll never be sure.

I listened to Anthony’s Self Serving Speech with an Expressionless Face (which You would think would Tip Anthony off)since I obviously wasn’t buying His Bullshit. Anthony went on and on about How Allegedly He was a fucking Superstar going Above and Beyond to Help the Neighborhood (in Any and Every way He possibly could). Anthony babbled on about how much He loves and Supports the Neighborhood Bullshit, Bullshit, Bullshit, and More Bullshit. When He was Finished Anthony was Smiling like a Scammer who thinks He’s got a Mark on the Hook. I deliberately took a Moment before I replied solely to throw Anthony off His Game. Apparently this Worked like a fucking Charm as Anthony’s Body Language indicated that He was Unsure of the Situation. You see Fear of the Unknown is a Powerful fucking Thing and Anthony was Obviously trying to Figure Out what I might Say/Do. I damn well knew Anthony was getting Rather Anxious because He kept shifting His Weight from Foot to Foot like a Nervous Child who just got Caught. Now it was My fucking Turn to State My Opinion pertaining to the Situation at Hand. I made sure to Stare Anthony directly in Eyes even though He was Wearing some Cheap Oakley Knockoff Sunglasses. I wanted to Convey to Anthony that even if He hid His Eyes it wasn’t Intimidating Me in the fucking Least.

Let Me take a Brief Moment to Explain the Sunglass Comment I just made. As Humans (Who are Social Animals) We are Greatly Unaware that We take a Shit Ton of Social Cues from watching People’s Eyes. Thus when You are Conversing/Interacting with a Person whose Eyes are Hidden, again Aware of it or Not, it makes Your Primal Brain quite Anxious as it is Deprived of a Prime Source of Information. Have You ever Wonder Why a lot of Cops (Especially State Troopers) utilize Wearing Sunglasses for Example? Well It’s simply because it puts People on Edge which may Help Them Narc Themselves Out if They have actually Broken the Law. The Bottomline is wearing Sunglasses in the Case of Anthony or the Police is an Intimidation Tactic, and like I fucking said I wasn’t Intimidated by Anthony by any means. So let’s get back to the fucking Story.

I coldly in a Low Controlled Almost Emotionless Tone (invoking My Best controlled Rage Technique which is indeed Creepy) let Anthony Know where I stood. It is an Unnerving Technique to say the fucking Least. This is due to the Fact While the a Person is Acting Civil it gives the impression that at Any Moment They might Suddenly Attack. This is a Tactic I use Frequently to Convey a “Don’t Fuck With Me” Attitude during any type of possible Confrontation. I also use an Unyielding Stare Sun Glasses or Not, and Keep a Straight Face so Facial Expressions are put on the Back Burner.

The first thing I addressed in was the Fact (as I said Previously) I nor My Wife, or Our Neighbors had Never seen Anthony do anything for Anyone in the Neighborhood. I then Bluntly pointed out the Fact that if We weren’t Home when He Stopped by Why didn’t He try to Reach Us at a Later Date? The Fact was He was the one who didn’t do Jack Shit about it and I don’t Believe for a Second Anthony even Stopped by in the First fucking Place Anyway.

After that I went on to State that I was damn well Aware that Anthony didn’t have Permission to do Shit on the County’s Land. I told Anthony I knew He did this simply to Avoid Paying to have the Trunks Cut up and Hauled away, and that Instead He dumped His Yard Trash along the Side of the Road. You see Anthony was well fucking aware as well that the County didn’t give a Flying Fuck so They wouldn’t get up in His face. I assume Anthony also thought None of His Neighbors would take Acceptation to His Plan/Actions so He could get Away with it. Anthony cut in Suggesting that if I was Angry about the Tree Trunks that He would go ahead and Move them. I replied that there was Not a Chance in Hell that I believed for a fucking Second that Anthony would Dispose of the Logs Elsewhere. If there was a better Alternative Place Anthony could have Dumped His Yard Trash then WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T HE DUMP HIS SHIT THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?!! That Statement Floored Anthony as He realized on the Spot that He had fucked over His Own Argument. I stood Silently for a Moment or Two watching this Realization Sink in as Anthony was Desperately attempting to come up with a Valid Reply which there wasn’t. I finished what I had to Say with the Fact that what Anthony did was Insulting, Disrespectful, Self Centered, Self Serving, His Story was Pathetic, and He is a Bad Bullshit Artist.

Since Anthony wasn’t going to Convince Me of Anything and I was going to Keep Anthony Squirming on the Hook over Possible Consequences for His Actions I decided enough was enough. As Anthony continued to look as Uncomfortable as a Pregnant Nun in Church I told Him I had Heard His side of the Story and He had Heard Mine. I went on to Say Obviously there was No fucking Point in having this Conversation anymore as We were at an Impossible Impasse, and that I had Other shit to Do. I then stood on My Porch rather Awkwardly as Anthony Accepted Defeat and fucked off Home which He did but He Dragged His ass doing it. Is this the End of the Story? More than likely Not as I just need to Find the Most ViablePath of Recourse that will Settle their Score, Keep Me out of Trouble, and Not lead to a Prolonged Feud with the fucking Neighbors. Once I do Anthony and I will See Each other again Face to Face and I will Reap the Closure I so Rightfully fucking Deserve.

It is What it Is,

Presented By Les Sober

I’ve Seen Some Stupid Shit But This Is A New One

This Story Starts a Short While before the 2020 Election when it was Revving Up to be the Total Post Election Shit Show it is Currently. One Day I had to Run a Mundane Errand that required that I Drive over to a Near by Neighboring Town. This is a frequent Side Effect of Living in a Town So Small it Only has one Single Traffic Light is it Requires that You Travel for a wide Variety of Reasons. The Main Reason being in a Small Town You have Limited Choices (and Certain Product Availability) so Traveling to a More Populated Area becomes Part of the Chore.

This Particular Drive is Quite Scenic as it Runs Through a Mix of Pine Forrests and Farming Fields with the Odd Small House/ Mobile Home sprinkled in Here and There. The Road as one might Imagine Qualifies as the Road Less Taken since You can Drive Miles before seeing Even One Other Car on the Road. Around the Midway Point of the Journey on the right side of the Road Across from a Empty Farmer’s Field is what appears at first to be a Viable Side Street or Road if You will. It is in fact The Top of someone’s Driveway You Can’t actually see the House from the Road because it’s Hidden in a You Guessed it One Forrest. What You can See is that approximately a Quarter Mile down this Long ass Driveway is a Large Cast Iron Gate Blocking. There’s 10 Foot Brown Stone Walls on Either Side of the Gate that Start about Ten Feet High and Taper off toward the Ground. I have No Idea what the Aesthetic Brown Stones are because I’m not a fucking Geologist, but They Look Halfway Decent.

Now as I Mentioned this was in the Pre 2020 Election and America was in a Chaotic Frenzy. Well on this particular Day as I drove by I Noticed the Residents had Placed 25-30 Elect Trump Yard Signs about Four Feet Apart Down both sides of their Driveway. It was Overkill in Every Sense of the Word. Now We Fast Forward the Election is Over, Biden has Been Certified by the Electoral Collage, and its been a Month and a Half Past Election Night. So the Next Time I had to had to Run an Errand Out that Way it was No Real Surprise that the Elect Trump 2020 Yard Signs had been Removed. Now on the Way into Town I Noticed a Excessively Large Banner Displayed at the Top of the Same Property where the Elect Trump 2020 signs had Previously been. I noticed it too Late to see what it Said, but I decided that right then and there that on the Way Back I would Most Definitely Find out what this Banner was all About.

On the Way Back I made sure to Slow Down (which is Easy to do on a Road with Virtually no Traffic as I mention Earlier) so I could take in the Banner in its Entirety and What I saw I found Absolutely Dumbfounding. At the Top Half of the Banner on a Dark Navy Background it Said in Big Block Letter in all Caps “TRUMP SIGN THIEVES” and there was a Phone Number displayed Under it also in Big Ass Font. The Bottom Half consisted of 3 Pictures of Three Different Cars of the Suspected Sign Thieves Vehicles, but We’ll get back to that in a Minute. It was Painfully and Blatantly Obvious that the Home Owner was 1. Die Hard Trump Supporter 2. Was Pissed as Hell about Their Elect Trump 2020 Yard Signs being Stolen. What I want to Know is What the fuck do Does the Home Owner Expect to Happen pertaining to The Stolen Yard Sign Banner?

I First thought to Myself Seriously How fucking Stupid since Yard Signs Run an Average of 97 Cents to Custom Make so This Person was Out a Whopping $48.50. This is Horribly Ironic since this Banner They had made cost Them a Couple Hundred Dollars so that 3-4 times as Much as the Cost of the Yard Signs. I just figure Out if You’re Pissed about being Out $50 Why the Hell would You then Invest a Couple Hundred in an Additional Banner? I may be Shitty at Math but Even I can tell You That Doesn’t Add Up. The Only Possibly Reason I could Muster was The Home Owner Truly Believed that the Stolen Yard Sign Banner would in deed Pay Off in the End. Still the Question Remained What was the Intention of the Home Owner since They are having a rather Extreme Reaction to the Theft of Their Shitty Elect Trump 2020 Year Signs?

This is My Hypothesis on this Oddly Absurd Situation. Once the Home Owner Saw the Signs were Stolen the Enraged Idiot(s) called the fucking Local Police and Reported it. The Cops basically Blew the Hoe Owner Off due to the Ridiculous Nature of the So Called Offense. Then the Pissed Off Assholes decided They would have to take Matter into Their Own Hands with Their Bizarre Brand of Vigilante Justice. They then had to Spend some Time coming up with a Course of Action and in The End They settled on Big Ass Bullshit Banner. Next They had to go to a Graphics Shop and have the Banner made and again Pay a Few Hundred Dollars for it. After that They returned Home and Erected the Batshit Banner at the Top of Their Driveway, and I assume are Still Waiting for the Banner to yield Results.

At this Point I’d like to Readdress the 3 Large Blown Up Pictures of the Alleged Sign Thieves Vehicles. The First Thing I’d like to Address is the Fact that These Pictures are so Shitty and Off Point its fucking Mind Boggling. What I mean is all Three Picture are Utterly Useless since NO INFORMATION can be deduced from Them. You See Each Picture Failed to Catch the Car’s License Plate which is in the Second Chapter of “The Big Book of Duh”. Since all the Photos are Shot at Insanely Strange Angles You also have No Chance to possible See the Driver or Anyone Else Who Might be in the Car. For all Intents and Purposes the Pics look like they were taken by a Drone that was being Operated by The Clueless Village Idiot. I say this because Not Only all the Car Photos Void of Any Pertinent Information Whatsoever the Picture seem to have been taken From Above at Random Angles. It’s Almost as if the Camera was Basically Shooting Down from Above the Cars.

Not to Mention the Fact The Home Owner had Photos (as Shitty as They Were) actually had Photos since where the fuck was the Camera Located in the First Place? With a Vast and Empty FArmer’s Field across the Road from the Property there is No Where to Attach any Type of Camera since Theres Literally Nothing to Attach it too. This Must Mean the Camera would have to have Been Mounted on the Same side of the Street as the Home Owner’s Property. The Issue there is again Where was the Camera Located? My Wife Theorized the Pictures were Caught by a Security Camera at the Gate. The Problem with that is as I said the Gate is a Quarter Mile Down from the Road, and since the Yard Signs were running down the Sides of the Main Road the Camera couldn’t see Shit to take a Picture.

The Next Option would have been the Most Likely in Most Cases. We live in a Rural ass Area where Hunting and Fishing are as Big as Professional Sports, and Most Hunters Use Motion Activated Trail Cameras to Surveil Perspective Hunting Territory for Game. Thus it would make the Most Sense if Someone mounted a Trail Camera or Perhaps Several to the Pine Trees that Comprise the Forrest on the Home Owner’s Property. The Only Problem with the Stolen Sign Situation is a Trail Camera Would Have to be Mounted at the Same Hight as the Cars, and Not 15 feet up the Trunk of the Tree since its Motion Activated (and You’d want to Photograph Cars Not Birds Flying in the Distance). Thats How I came to the Only Reason I could Think of which is it was a Drone Camera but Who fucking Knows.

As for the Intent of the Banner I am Equally as Clueless as I still can’t Deduct what the fuck the Home Owner thinks is going to Happen as a Result of Their Banner? The Police aren’t going to be of any Assistance due to it being No Where Near a Priority, and The Only Evidence is the Three aforementioned Crappy Photos a 3 Cars that contain Nothing of Value as far as Information. So is the Home Owner Honestly expecting that some Stranger Driving down the Main Road Outside of their Property, See the Banner, and Somehow be Able to Identify One of the Cars. This is Already a Never Going to Happen Hell or High Water Situation, but I’ll Play Devil’s Advocate for the Sake of Argument.

Let’s Say Someone did see the Banner and All That the Home Owner is Banking on that Person Giving as Big as a Shit about the Stolen Signs as the Owner. The Stranger would have to be Equally as Enraged over a Case of Stolen Yard Signs to even Give a Shit. If it were Me and I saw the Banner and Actually Knew One of the Cars (“Oh Shit Thats Phil’s Car!”) the Next time I saw the Car Owner I’d tell Him how Hilarious I find the Whole thing and Way to Go. Point Being the Last damn thing I’d do is call the Number on the Sign I simply wouldn’t Say Shit. Lastly even if the Home Owner found Out Who the Cars Belong To fuck are They Going to Do? There’s really No Legal Recourse (just ask the Cops who were annoyed by the Reporting of this Piddly Shit) so They could Only do One of Two Things.

Option One is to Tell Everyone around since Word Travels fast in a Small Town where Everybody Knows Everybody. This would be to Call the Culprit Out and Publicly Shame Them in the Eyes of Their Friends, Family, and Community (Most of Which are Avid Church Goers so “Thou Shall Not Steal’). I also Suppose in this Day and Age They could do the Same by Talking Shit on Social Media to Vent as well as Call Out the Guilty Party. If the Home Owner is a real Dicks They could Go Over to the Alleged Guilty Person’s Residence and Address the Matter Face to Face. This would Not be a Safe Decision since the Home Owner Would Either End Up In Jail for Showing Up and Acting like a World Class Asshole or For Killing the Supposedly Guilty Person. That or They End up Getting Shot, Beaten to a Bloody Pulp or Killed Themselves. Anyway You Slice it it Always Ends Badly for the Idiotic Home Owner. So the Question Remains the Same: What the Fuck is the Point?

Besides it being an Utter Absurdity of the Situation I’m just Relieved it s something Entertaining instead of Asinine. I mean at Least it wasn’t a Situation like This Old Cranky Bastard that Lives in My Neighborhood Who is Still Flying His Elect Trump Flag like an Absolute Asshole.

Thanks For Reading,

By Les Sober

Some Odd Animation: VAL VAL VAL

We are Pleased to Present the Animated Short Val Val Val created by one of Our Favorite Animators Ben Wheele whose Work We have Featured on FYB Several Times Before(Henry Eats, Talking House, Cigarette Ad ).

A Bit About Animator Ben Wheele:

Wheele Graduated from The Royal Collage of Art with a Masters in Animation in 2011, and His Films have been Screened at Festivals Internationally, Including Annecy, Pictoplasma, London Intl.Animation Festival, Rotterdam Film Festival and Stuttgart ITFS. Wheele’s work has also been Exhibited at The Sunday Painter Gallery (London), Gazell.io Digital Art Space, and Broadcast on Adult Swim and Channel 4 (UK). He is also the Founder of ‘Studio Ponk’ and Currently Lectures in 3D Animation and Games at Middlesex University.

A BRIEF RUN DOWN:

Begins with a Strange looking Being with a Skull Like Face (that Personally Reminds Me of The Misfits Mascot) sitting Alone in an Empty Room.
A Second Being Appears Outside.
The Being Inside Greets the Being Outside with a “Hello, Facehead.”
“Facehead” takes Acceptation to the Name and Responds with an Irritated “What Did You Call Me?”
The Being Indoors then Repeats the Greeting.
“Facehead” gets PISSED and says Threateningly “Call Me Facehead One More Time…”
A Stand Off Ensues.

Enjoy.

Thanks for Watching,

Presented By Les Sober & FYB

The Tale of Dunkin Donuts Man & Starbucks Woman

I was out this Weekend with My Wife at The Godawful Grocery Store Battling the Mind Numbing Monotony of it All. You see Errands Irritate the Shit Out of Me it’s Not the Actual Act of Shopping its All the Other Assholes I have to circumvent or Deal with Outright. The One thing that was Amusing Me was the New Dunkin Donuts T-Shirt I found in My Closet (I can’t remember where it came from Initially.) which Read: Friends Don’t Let Friends Drink Starbucks.

I got a huge fucking kick as I am a Big Time Dunkin Donuts Fan I also fucking HATE THE SHIT OUT OF STARBUCKS always Have ALWAYS WILL. Starfuck’s Coffee is a bunch of Over Hyped and Over Priced Bitter Bullshit, and Not Only That but Starfucks Customers are Pretentiously Lame Lemmings. Starfucks Pompus Customers that get Off on all the Happy Hipster Horseshit like calling the Employees Baristas or the fucking Ridiculously Coded Names for Their Coffees.

My Wife stepped away for a Minute to retrieve some sort of Ass Cream. This was for the Sole purpose of having Me ask Why She was Buying Ass Cream, and then Her Saying “It’s for My Asshole.” before Handing it Directly To Me with a Sly Smile. I like to see that I rubbed off on Her a Bit over the Years even if its My Absurd Sarcastic Sense Humor.

While My Wife was off Getting Her Prop so She could Set Me Up a Woman came Strolling By. Then out of fucking No Where She stops right in from of Me. She stood there Facing Me glaring like She just smiled the Foulest Fart imaginable with one Hand on the Shopping Cart Handle and the Other on Her Waist. She remained standing thee like that before finally speaking the fuck up, and when She did She Said “I HATE Your Shirt.” in a Totally Pissed the fuck Off tone of Voice.

After making Her Spite Filled Statement She again just Stood there in front of Me Disapprovingly like a Angry ass Soccer Mom or Some shit. Now Normally I’d have a Clever and Bitter Response that would have Leveled Her, BUT I was completely Blind Sided by This Barrage of Bullshit. So going with My Knee Jerk Reaction I Blurted out “Well Fuck You Too.” To My Surprise the Woman remained Standing Unfazed by My Harsh and Foul Mouthed Response.

The Two of Us remained in this bizarre Stand Off until luckily for Me My Wife returned. She immediately knew something weird was going on by the Scowl on My face. She asked what was going on, and I informed Her this Stranger had Stopped specifically to tell Me she Hated My Shirt. That and at that Point I had responded with the exclamation “Well Fuck You Too.” My Wife looked over at the Lady and said to her something about being a Starbucks Lover (aka Dunkin Donut Hater) to which The Strange Woman confirmed.

I was still a bit baffled by this bullshit scenario because She didn’t say She Hated My Shirt Jokingly, She didn’t say it Sarcastically, and She didn’t do the Whole “I’m only half Joking because really I’m being a Dick using a Backhanded Compliment.” She simply got in My face and Told Me She Hated My Shirt with No Context or Emotion other than Repulsed Disgust.

A Moment or Two after Admitting Her comment was Pro Starbucks Driven the Woman finally Turned and slowly walked away pushing Her Shopping Cart with Aggravated Determination. Seconds after the Woman Exited the Isle a Man came by and informed Me he liked the Shirt and thought it made all the sense in the World. He pointed out How this Weirdo Woman’s reaction only served to back the Statement written on My T-Shirt. Thats because Starbucks Coffee is Not just a fucking Scam, BUT Their Customers are Stuck the fuck Up Elitist Coffee Assholes to boot.

We finished Our Shopping Trip without Running into the StarBucks Bitch again which I guess is for the Best since I ended up getting rather Pissed Myself after the Fact. The funny fucking thing is Out of ALL (I have an extensive Collection I’ve Accumulated over My Many Years on this Planet) T-Shirts that I Own This was the One that Pissed Off Someone to the Point They had to Personally Inform Me of Their Hate. I mean in all actuality have some T-shirts that are So Offensive I don’t wear them in Public Anymore, Yet its NOT because Someone Confronted Me over any of Them. I’m just trying to Save Myself Bullshit Run Ins like The One I just Wrote About.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (17/365)

Goddamnit! Lee thought not because He was moments away from being seriously fucking Fired by a Furious Fran or anything like that. Lee was annoyed because Fran was going interfere with Him getting to see the Conclusion of the Parking Lot Lunacy.

“LEE WHAT THE HOLY FUCK IS GOING ON?! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS WHAT THE FUCK AM I LOOKING AT?!!” Screamed Fran like a goddamn Airhorn. It wasn’t so much because He was infuriated, but mainly to be heard over the Sea of Sound in the Parking Lot.

“What the Hell Fran this shit is some act of God shit I didn’t fucking plan for this shit to happen for fuck’s sake.” said Lee indignantly even though He knew His firing would play out this way. Lee knew He would be unfairly held accountable for the insane shit that was far beyond His control in the first fucking place, but He’d be damned if He didn’t Go Out Swinging.

“How did you let this happen, and why did you let it get totally out of fucking control?” Demanded Fran who’s Blood Pressure was so high His face was flushed making Him look like He had a fucking 3rd degree Sunburn.

“They just showed up and jumped the shit out of Me. I was concerned that perhaps the Little Old Lady at the Door was perhaps a tad senile and might be lost. I unlocked the Door to see if She need assistance, and Her Anti-Porn Posse shoved Their way in. Next fucking thing I know Their fucking rioting and wrecking the Joint.”Lee replied matter of factly as He stood His ground.

“Well goes without saying that as of this moment You’re fucking Fired. Give Me Your Key.”said Fran through clenched Teeth now on the verge of having a Full Blown Stroke.

Lee figured fuck it there wasn’t any point in arguing since He didn’t actually give a shit about the Job, and has thoroughly enjoyed the Events of the Day. Lee took the Shop Key off His Keyring and tossed it lamely in Frans direction before getting in His Car. As Lee drove off (down Route 22 to the Prospects of a Better Job to come) He shot a quick glance in His review mirror to get a final look at the Spectacular Sex Shop Showdown, and Smiled with Satisfaction.

Stay Tuned Kids for Tomorrows Enticing Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (18/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Drama Queens Need to Get Themselves Killed

Yup you guessed it this Post pertains to Drama Queens who fall in the category of “People We Love To Hate”.

If you don’t believe me just watch 5 fucking minutes of ANY “Reality” TV Show, and since We are on the subject if you watch “Reality” TV or one of the Contest Shows do Me a favor. STOP READING THIS, GO THE HELL AWAY, AND DON’T COME BACK. I have no time for such Bullshit.

Recently I was informed about a particular Drama Queen who’s shitty shenanigans were reeking a good bit of havoc as it were. Now this isn’t just an EXCEPTIONAL Drama Queen, this Drama Queen could be one for the Books. Here’s what happened in a Nutshell.

My Brother T joined a Pinball Team that is part of a Pinball or as he refers to it as “A Drinking Team that happens to play Pinball.”, but since he joined he’s had a lot of fun, met cool characters, made some friends, and generally has a great fucking time.

The Team meets and was competing on a recent Tuesday evening and my Brother’s Wife L came over to the Bar (They always meet and Play in a Bar with varying venues) where My Brother was already warming up for the nights competition.

Outside in a small group of smokers was a tattooed sudo hipster woman who introduced her self to L as Shittney (remember kids I don’t use real names of People or Places)

Now Shinttney is one of those extremely extroverted personality types that get right up in your personal space, and will tell you anything including seriously personal shit. Shit such as Their Great Grandfather was arrested for molesting a circus Elephant or Their sibling is in jail for blowing up a bus full of fucking Nuns.

So it did’t take Shittney long to inform L that the Owner of the Bar where their playing (and captain of that night’s opposing team) used to date, but not only that she also said she wanted to and I quote “Crush Him”. The first red fucking flag here was the fact that while Shittney and the Bar owner J did date for a while they broke up FOUR FUCKING YEARS AGO, FATAL ATTRACTION MUCH THERE OR WHAT?!!

Granted Break Ups by definition suck and suck bad, but if your not over someone 4 years after splitting up, GET PROFESSIONAL PSYCHIATRIC HELP YOU HAVE SERIOUS PERSONAL ISSUES is all I’m saying.

Red Flag number 2 considering the time-lapse between J and Shittney’s dating period she is far more than likely to be one of those bullshit Voyeuristic Cyber Stalkers.

Their the one’s that slink around in the shadows cast by the Internet’s bastard spawn Social media lurking in silence. Periodically they surf around observing people from either their past like ex-boyfriends/girlfriends, High School Classmates or Co-workers from the past and the present for example just to “See whats new with them.”

Anyway back to the Story Shittney gets her wish as her Team Beats J’s Team for that Night’s Win. AND HERE IS WHERE IT GETS DRAMA QUEEN CRAZY.

The next day following the Competition (and in spite of the fact THEY WON) hopped on Social Media using some Face Book Bullshit as her platform, and then railed against my Brother’s Team

She didn’t just go after her ex boyfriend and Team Captain she singled out even single member of the Team in this bullshit tirade. The main accusation (which of course Shittney is portraying as a hard cold Fact) is that the entire Team are cheaters.

Yup their scumbag cheaters who try and cheat every chance they get, they don’t obey the rules, and rig game play (I’m still unsure of what that criteria is or means but I’m doing my best here so if you don’t like it well shit on you.) and as par of the shitty social media madhouse several Pinball Trolls jumped on the band wagon in agreement.

Now I ask you Ladies and Gentlemen,

WHO THE FUCK COMPLAINS,BITCHES, AND INSULTS THE OTHER TEAM WHEN THEY’RE THE FUCKING WINNERS?!!!

“YOU CHEATED!” Accusations stem predominately from Poor fucking Losers as an excuse for why they suck as bad as they do. Trust me they suck big and they suck hard (that didn’t come out quite like I meant it, but I’m leaving it as is.)

In the End J stepped down as Team Captain, My Brother’s Team lost 2 great guys as well as terrific players, J finally made a statement addressing the accusations a bit late in the game, and finally J and Shittney sat down and recorded a Podcast that addressed any and all current ongoing issues between the two teams.

To lighten the mood a bit I’m going to list the main types of the assorted Drama Queens we find ourselves surrounded by and having to deal with. WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE SO DON’T BULLSHIT. Either a friend, Family Member, Co-Worker/Boss, Friend of a Friends, Wife/Husband, Someone’s kid(s), someone you dated, or some sort of run in with a Drama Queen

The Terminator’s: They earn their name from the Arnold Schwarzenegger because like Arnold said so eloquently “I’ll Be Back” These are the Drama Queens that Stalkers are made of. They can’t let go, in fact their lives become dominated with the daydream that perhaps one day you two will be reunited in Love. These People are fucking DELUSIONAL.
The Shakespeare: These are women driven solely by Revenge. They are the “Wrath of Women Scorned” demographic. Everything shitty in the past relationship and since is YOUR FAULT and thus YOU SHALL PAY. These are the Dangerous fuckers due to the penchant for violence.

3. The Victim: These people have taken Victimization and transformed it into a fucking art form. Their lives would be wonderful if everyone they know or encounter wasn’t out to spite them, cheat them, abuse them, lie to them, fuck them over etc. These are the ones that claim they can’t obtain Heaven being dragged down by so many other People’s Hells.

4. The Isolationist: These are the simplest forms or types of Drama Queens. The shun the usual shit show spectacle opting to Lock Themselves in a room classically a Bed or Bathroom is the preference of such people. They are the slow grind as dealing with them is like a fucking Police Hostage Negotiation where the Victim and the Perp are the same fucking person

5. The Banshee: The Loudest and likely most theatrical of all Drama Queens. These people will EXPLODE in a TSUNAMI of Hysterical Crying, Wailing, Whining, and other types of non verbal guttural vocalizations. These People keep fucking Kleenex in business.

6. The Shunners: These people take a classic play out of the Amish Playbook. They believe silence makes Guilty People Uneasy so by utterly ignoring you they hope you’ll see where you fucked up and come running to apologize. I for one don’t give a damn if someone wants to act like I’m fucking dead so these people are of no concern to me.

7. The Dark One: These are the Gothic type of Drama Queen. These people will lay around in bed listening to the fucking Cure or some Emo bullshit while refusing to eat. They are the Doom and Gloom People whose worlds are dark and forbidding, a place where love goes to die and shitty poetry written.

8. The Martyr: These people honestly believe that they are the center of the fucking Universe, and without them everyone they knows life would fall the fuck apart, and everyone would meet a horrible fate. These are the classic “Get off the Cross someone needs the Wood” people.

Well Thats all I Have For Now.

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober

Its Called Karma You Kreaton

I was down in The Great Southern Swamp for some hellish holiday shit when something rather odd happened.

My Wife and I were driving back to our temporary base camp when I saw a something peculiar out of the corner of my eye. I asked my Wife to hold up ,and turn into the small empty parking lot of some small business. I had her drive down to the far end and park. I got out and peered around the corner to see exactly what the fuck I saw because it look bizarrely different.

What I saw was an average run of the fucking mill garbage can (the one with a flip lid and rear wheels), BUT what was cool was someone had tagged the garbage can with yellow spray paint. The Artist had written the message “NCAH Will Bite You” on all 4 sides of the garbage can no less, and then topped it all off with a caveman like hieroglyph of what appeared to be some sort of cat looking animal. I decided it was odd enough I was going to take a few pictures to document the weirdness when I hear my Wife say “He’s just taking a picture.”

I stood up as I had squatted down for a better shot to see sizable Veterinary Technician lording over me. The big bald bastard must have been about 6’3″ or so 200 some odd pounds and was standing in front of me bowing his chest out. He had his arms hanging at his sides all tensed up like he was about to lunge at me, and all that macho male posturing primal bullshit. On top of it all the big son of a bitch was staring me down hardcore glaring at me like I told him to go fuck his mom.

I couldn’t figure out why the hell my taking a picture of a fucking garbage had illicit such a aggressive reaction. Second I thought fuck him in his big bald bitch ass the big bald bastard. So I stood up and simple explained the obvious that I saw the garbage can, thought it was rather bad ass, and wanted to take picture. This Big Bastard stood there not saying a fucking thing just glaring at me like I’m the asshole.

So I attempted to chat with the Big Bald Bitch because at this point I had no fucking idea what the hell was going on with this fucking whack job. He just kept up the silent tough guy like a hollywood action movie cliche. Finally the Bald fuck says “Its (the small business was) a Veterinary Clinic.”, and then went stone cold silent again like a shitty statue. I asked who NCAH meant to see if it was a place, organization, or business perhaps at which point the Big Bitch informs me it stands for NORTH CAL ANIMAL HOSPITAL in a cocksucking condescending tone of voice before going back to scowling at me.

Well I knew at this point there wasn’t fuck all I could do to reason with this Big Bald Bastard so it was time for me to get the hell home. I was half way back to the car when I turned around (still walking mind you) and said something like “I don’t see why your such an asshole… I just wanted a picture because its a cool picture I didn’t tag it you miserable fuck…You didn’t need to be a dick but you did you fucking asshole…fuck you, fuck off with that bullshit…Fucker…”

I get in the car as my Wife is telling the Big Bald Bitch that we’re leaving, when the Big Son of a Bitch say quite loudly “Why did it have to be that way??!” His question boggled my mind as I tried to figure out how big of a motherfucking ignorant idiot he really was. I couldn’t help myself and I yelled back “YOU DECIDED TO BE A FUCKING DICK, AND I DIDN’T TAKE YOUR MACHO BULLSHIT THATS WHY ASSHOLE.”

I can’t believe their actually People that are apparently like this gentlemen are simply too fucking stupid to live, how have they lasted this long honestly??!!

Thanks for the READ,

Les Sober

Go Home Hunter Boy Before You Get Hurt

If anyone has any doubt that I Love my Wife too No End Yesterday Proved it beyond any and all reasonable doubt. For those that know me what I’m about to say next is Far Beyond Bizarre, but My Wife has a variety of Holiday projects/Crafts for the kids in our Family that both required the same exact component Pine Cones. Yes I fucking went on a walk with my Wife to collect the very much needed Pine Cones.

There is a dirt road behind our backyard that separates our neighborhood from the neighborhood that neighbors ours (say the shit 5 times fast). The dirt road since it was built has been designated as a Public Road. This is due to the fact people use it for a wide assortment of reasons. Golf carts putter back down that road with little trailers filled with limbs or logs that the driver intends on dumping. There People who walk down the road doing the nature thing, kids use it to cut through between the two neighboring neighborhoods, People walk there dogs on that road, Trucks towing boats/small rv’s/ATVs use that road either to assist in getting there boat or whatever out of their backyards or as an access road to go between both neighborhoods visiting friends/family. Point being it is a rather well used road.

My Wife and I exited the backyard (deciding to leave the Our Big Backyard Dwelling Dogs at Home as walking them is a real labor of love) and proceeded down the road Pine Cone collection bags in hand. While you walk on the road you can see right into the residents backyards and can see the trails they have made to move recreational toys (ATVS, Boats Etc.). The woods separating the two said neighborhoods is like a small, narrow Triangle thats narrowest point is behind our house and as you travel the woods on both side of the road thicken to a decent degree.

After walking around five minutes I saw something on the right next to the side of the road (No not Puppies and that for those who know that reference was a different dirt road) that honestly exclaim “What The Fuck?!” it was so utterly insane for me to see. Here I must mention it is still Deer Hunting Season and what I saw lying buy the side of the road was a Deer Baiting Area. A Deer Baiting area is simply a small clearing usually near the hunters blind (A ladder with a small seat attached to the top that gives the hunter the advantage of height over their pray) and consists of only one other thing outside of a clearing, and thats Corn. Hunters can buy 25 to 50 pound bags of Livestock Corn (for animal feed, not human consumption) on the Cob which they then dump in a large pile in the clearing. The Hunter then retreats to his/her hunting blind to wait for hungry Deer to come by for a bite to eat at which point the Hunter shoots them (Not very sporting you ask me the gun toting camouflaged assholes) There was a sapling growing approximately 3 feet back from the piled corn that had a Trap Camera. They are the cameras that hunters strap to trees that have motion sensors so when anything enters the cameras view it will automatically take photos. This way hunters can see if their animals around that area worth hunting.

My first instinct was to 1) Piss all over the corn rendering it useless for baiting Deer and 2) Ironically to take my big old hunting knife and cutting the camera down. I then would of course take it with me to teach this Massive Moron that hunting SO fucking close to people is a common sense issue, and if this ignorant ass idiot doesn’t have any or is not using their common sense then I’d help them figure it out so to speak.

Now not only was it shocking to see the such monumental stupidity, but on top of hunting on a well used PUBLIC road in-between to large, populated neighborhoods (where kids play, parents do lawn work and grandparents sit on the porch throughout the lazy country days.) the Deer Baiting area was only a mere 100 feet from one of the off shoots that people use for their aforementioned recreational toys. These off shoots lead right into someones backyard or directly behind several house’s backyards as these are the established unofficial travel/transportation paths.

My Wife managed to talk me down and I left the hunters spot and gear undamaged still reeling from the sheer fucking stupidity of said hunter. We walked another several blocks down the dirt road until we inadvertently ran into the actual Hunter. At this point I must interject that I grew up in Sleezy North, spent the last 13 years in the Great Southern Swamp, and spending 10 years as a Hardcore Drug Dealing Drug Addict have been exposed to all kinds of weapons and the madness wielding them. Due to this this fact this hunter has a rifle didn’t phase me in the least. In all honestly in came down to one thing in particular and thats the “3 feet Rule” which dictates if someone one has a rifle 1) You have a knife/weapon/good with your fists 2) MORE IMPORTANTLY if your within a 3 foot radius the hunter can’t get his gun up, aimed and fired before your onto of them with your knife in their fucking neck.

The hunter emerged from the left side of the road about 15 feet infant of us and then proceeded to walk directly at us with his rifle in a resting position across his belly. I was already well pissed off so I wasn’t about to take any shit from this fuck. See Hunters are EXTREMELY TERRITORIAL and EXTREMELY PROTECTIVE of their hunting grounds. This means that if you accidentally wonder onto private land and come across the owner hunting you’ll get one of two reactions. The first if its a younger hunter they’ll be rude, agitated and loud when they inform you of your mistake. The second is if its an older hunter they will be strict but fair in that they’ll let you know they aren’t happy that you showed up on their land (especially while hunting), BUT will be polite enough not to rant and rave and will instruct you to leave their land ASAP and not return.

The hunter was a young guy, about 5′ 8″, 140-150 pounds, intensely blonde almost white hair poking out from under his hunting cap. He was cloaked in camo and was carrying a black .22 caliber hunting rifle. Like I said younger hunters can be pricks and this guy seemed to be a petty prick. No hello or anything the hunter demanded to know what we were doing. This is a PUBLIC road so as far as I was concerned he had no rights hunting or otherwise so I walked up to him stopping short of a foot from his face, and answered “Picking Fucking Pine Cones.” in my deep dead pan manner while staring intently at the hunter. No one in the Southern Country curses while in the presence of others so my barrage of foul and aggressive swearing confused the hunter who seemed to find the whole obscenity thing unnerving.

The hunter responded that we were messing up his hunting by walking down the road spooking all the possible prey that he could kill. My Wife called him out on the fact this is a PUBLIC ROAD and the Hunter looked at the ground and sort of shook his head. I jumped in and demanded to know that if we had accidentally walked onto his land then he should be able to show me the property line. I continued that I find it very strange that his family hadn’t set up signifiers along said property line allowing others to distinguish between public and private land. The usual and accepted way to do this is by Posting “Private Property: NO Trespassing, Hunting, Fishing or Dumping (garbage)” on trees approximately 15 feet apart along the ENTIRE property line. Also there bright neon ties that are fashioned around trunks off trees along the property line as another signifier of private property. Lastly since this was a road there would be a gate of some sort blocking off the part of the road that fell on private property. I asked the hunter why there was none of these and he couldn’t obviously answer being the fact he was fucking lying through his fucking teeth, and I wanted to let him know he was fucked because he couldn’t bullshit us.

I then addressed the fact that he was hunting in EXTREMELY Proximity to people that it was equal to hunting in their backyard. I then asked how the fuck he’d feel if his stupidity got a kid/person/elderly person wounded or killed because of his GROSS INCOMPETENCE. Again the hunter remained speechless. I asked if he had an actual hunting permit, what his family name was (to verify if it was in some sort of way his family’s private land) and while I was interrogating the hunter relentlessly I made sure to stand no farther than a foot away. I also made sure to stay standing to his side in his blind spot. I did this because when he looked at my Wife he had to take his eyes off me to the point where he couldn’t see me even in his peripherals, and as you may image makes people quite nervous as it did this Hunter.

I suppose they hunters plan was to try and act all authoritarian with us and try and intimidate us by bullshitting that this was his/his family private property, and that combined with a rifle in hand should have been enough to run us off if you will. Needless to say then that this was not a response he ever thought he’d get. The little shit then asks us to please leave by walking the rest of the road until it emptied into part of my neighborhood instead of back tracking which would have been a 5 minute walk for us. Some people could call me paranoid others could call me safe, but I agreed to exit the hunters way though it was a huge fucking inconvenience because I didn’t want the little shit to know where I live.

We exited the wooded road and walked all the way home. As we approached our house I had an idea. While crossing the lawn I fetched my car keys from my pocket and walked directly to my Jeep. I got in my Jeep drove it down the dirt road a few blocks and then laid on my horn like a New Yorker possessed by a insane fit of road rage insuring there wouldn’t be a single fucking chipmunk left in the wood for the hunter to hunt thus fucking up the rest of his hunting day.

Thanks For Reading,

Les Sober

God & Satan Enemies Of A Different Color

Preface: Most people know the story of God casting Satan from Heaven because Satan wanted to take control of Heaven.

It all started when God got bored and created people to entertain him (the original reality t.v.) which pissed off more than a few Angels due to their jealousy of God’s infatuation with his new creations.
Satan was not only an Angel he was the Angel of Light effectively he was God’s right hand man. Satan gathered a group of like minded angels bound together by their hate of humanity and God’s preferential treatment of people. Once Satan had assembled his crew they picked a fight with God by trash talking Humans, a fight that Satan lost.
God banished Satan (along with his traitorous posse) from heaven.
BUT GOD DID NOT BANISH SATAN TO HELL. God decided if Satan hated man more than anything then Satan’s punishment was to walk among man for eternity.
From this point out God and Satan were deemed to be immortal enemies clashing in a constant war of conflict as each tries to win more souls than the other.

The Question: Now I have read the Bible and I like most have a few questions. The first and foremost I question the relationship between God and Satan as far as the traditional belief. As I stated earlier in #5 God and Satan are supposed to be the ultimate foes, yet in the Bible there seems to be a good bit of dialogue between God and Satan. This alone strikes me as odd considering their intense and eternal war of good versus evil after Satan got his ass evicted from his Heavenly home.

The best example in my mind of God and Satan’s rather unorthodox relationship lies in the story of Job. Here is a brief run down summation of the story of Job as told by me (Less Sober).

One day God and Satan (post battle for Heaven) were hanging out together which seems to me like a mighty oxymoron. Why would God and Satan hangout together if their such intense enemies that they actually went to war against one another?

While God and Satan are lallygagging about God starts to brag a good bit about his follower Job and how much Job loves God with undying loyalty. Satan decides to bust God’s balls a bit about this oh so holy and devoted Job guy. Satan makes a side comment to God that its totally obvious the only reason Job gives a shit about God is because Job has a sweet life. Job had a big house, a lot of land, a wife, tons of kids and a productive farm, BUT if Job didn’t have all the perks then he’d abandon God flat out.

Now this conversation seems to follow suit with the relationship described in the Bible between the two Deities, God says something positive and Satan then undermines it with negativity. HOLD ON MY FRIENDS This Is Where It Gets Really Weird.

God decides based on what Satan said to make a bet. YES IT WAS GOD who made the bet WITH SATAN. In some versions of this story some of the faithful claim Satan proposed the bet to God, but sadly no it was all God’s idea.

The bet is this: God allows open hunting season on Job enabling Satan to do whatever horribly wicked shit he could think of to torment Job. If Job remains loyal to God in spite of all the suffering Satan rains down upon him God wins, but if Job succumbs to Satan’s vile endeavorers then simply Satan wins.

Satan then proceeds to run shop on Job. Satan kills all of Jobs crops, kills all of his animals, all of Job’s servants, burns his house down, and kills all of Job’s sons and daughters while they ate together. Job remains standing God.

Round Two Satan struck Job with sores from head to toe. Here Job’s wife does something strange she tells Job to CURSE God and then die. Its the dying part that confuses me because why would she want her husband dead considering Satan killed the rest of the family at this point. Anyway I digress. Job for his credit did not curse God nor did he die, but he did at one point wonder why his God was allowing all this foul shit to happen to him, and at one point even asks God to let him die (assumedly to avoid further torture). Job through it all sticks by God and remains faithful by not sinning in cursing God.

God immediately declares himself the victor to Satan, and then shoots down to Earth to tell Job to shut up and stop asking questions for God works in mysterious ways.

In Summation allow me to state my opinion on the story/subject matter at hand. This is how I see it in all honesty. It appears to me that instead of being eternal enemies God and the Satan had a more personal relationship (as opposed to one ruling Heaven and the other Hell completely independent of one another). To me its more like two best friends who started a business together and the business started to flourish making all involved very happy. Then one friend makes an executive decision about staffing without consulting his friend and partner first. This leads to resentment, tension, stress and anxiety plaguing the friendship driving the two friends apart. Finally one of the friends has had enough and attempts a hostile takeover of the company only to fail, and thus the partnership dissolves spectacularly along with the friendship over an argument on how the company should be run. As the years pass the two friends begin to reconnect yet both are still pissed about their falling out as each blames the other for their failed friendship. Though God and Satan don’t ever reconcile they form a new love-hate relationship because though they had a shitty falling out their friendship out weighs the one vicious fight over difference of opinion.