Tag: coroner

Micro Horror Movie (Sequel Edition) : SMILING WOMAN 6

Welcome to this Weeks Short Horror Film Friday featuring SMILING WOMAN 6 Written and Directed by Alex Magaña, and Co-Produced by Dawn Church. You can Find All Five Previous SMILING WOMAN Films here at FYB in the Movies Category. Each Installment of the SMILING WOMAN Start when a Digital Clock Display clicks over from 1:00 am to 1:01 am. The Premiss Remains the Same Throughout the SMILING WOMAN Series each Unique Installment Brings Us Closer to Discovering Who or What the Smiling Woman Is. When it comes to The SMILING WOMAN Series it Doesn’t take Long to Find its Legs and Take Off Running.

                   

I as Far as I am Aware I coined the Term “Micro Horror Movie” when I posted the One Minute Long “Tuck Me In” by Ignacio Rodo on 1/29/21 (as Part of FYB’s Short Horror Film Friday). The Term Micro Horror is a Nod to one of the Unique Aspects of the Grindcore Music Genre: the Micro Song. There’re Songs by Grindcore Bands (Such as Anal Cunt, Insect Warfare, SCAT, Pig Destroyer, Brutal Truth, and Nuclear Assault for example) that are Only Seconds in Length. In Fact the British Grindcore/Death Metal Band Napalm Death hold the Guinness World Record for the Shortest Song ever Recorded with the Their One Second “You Suffer”. So I figure the Micro Horror Movie would Translate to a Short Horror Film that’s Five Minutes (Flat) or Under.

PLOT: One Late Night at an Empty Laundromat, a Young Woman is Tormented by a Menacing Smiling Woman.

CAST:

  • Smiling Woman – Teru Hara
  • Young Lady – Michelle Twarowska
  • Coroner – Alex Crawford
  • Detective – Raymond Ko
  • Young Lady Voice – Mandy O’shaughnessy & Lindsey Caldwell

Thanks For Watching,

   Presented By Les Sober  

The Mysterious Demise of Elisa Lam

Welcome to Another Installment of STRANGE AND DISTURBING VIDEOS  Featuring The Elisa Lam Elevator Surveillance Footage. This Time around We’re Going to Do things a Little Differently by Switching Up the Format. Directly Below is the Elisa Lam Video Footage, and Below the Video are The Facts, Speculations, and Unsolved Explanations.

The Facts:

  • Elisa Lam was a 21 Year Old Canadian Tourist and Student at the University of British Columbia in Vancouver where She was Originally From.
  • Lam was Visiting California and She was Traveling Alone.
  • In Spite of Being a Lone Traveler Lam remained in Constant Contact with Her Parents calling Them Several Times a Day.
  • Lam Struggled with Bipolar Disorder and Depression.
  • Lam was taking a Several Psychiatric Drugs to Treat Her Mental Health Issues.
  • Lam had a Blog where She Openly discussed Both Her Health and Mental Health Issues.

           

  • Lam Checked into the Cecil Hotel on January 26, 2013 and was Scheduled for Check Out on January 31, 2013
  • The Cecil (Formerly Hotel Cecil and Informally as The Cecil) is a Low Budget Hotel Built in 1927.
  • The Cecil is Located in Downtown Los Angeles on the Infamous Skid Row (Skid Row is Home to Countless Homeless, Alcoholics, Drug Dealers, Pimps, Drug Addicts, Hookers, Petty Criminals, and Assorted Deviants. Think NYC’s Hell’s Kitchen before Gentrification.)
  • Notorious Serial Killer, Rapist, and Burglar Richard Ramirez (aka The Night Stalker) lived at the Cecil from 1984-1985 during Most of His Horrific Killing Spree.
  • Lesser Known Austrian Serial Killer Johann “Jack” Unterweger was also a Resident of the Cecil’s Sordid Past.
  • In the 1930’s was Home to 6 Reported Suicides. A Few Residents Ingested Poison, While Others Shot Themselves, Slit Their Own Throats, or Jumped Out Their Bedroom Windows.
  • The Cecil is also Home to a 1964 Unsolved Murder .
  • In the 1950’s-60’s The Cecil experience another Rash of Suicides so Many that the Locals Dubbed The Cecil “The Suicide”.
  • Since the Elisa Lam’s Death the Cecil Rebranded itself The Stay On Main Hotel.

     

  • Initially Lam had a Shared Two Roommates, But Her Roommates complained to the Hotel Staff of Lam’s “Odd Behavior”.
  • Lam was then moved to a Private Room for the Remainder of Her Stay.
  • Lam was Supposed to Check Out of the Cecil on January 29th, But She Never Did.
  • Lam was Last seen Alive on January 29th by a Local Bookshop Owner.
  • Lam failed to Call Her Parents and Check in Either on January 29th which was the First Time She hadn’t Her Entire Trip.
  • Lam’s PArents called the LAPD and Reported Their Daughter Missing.
  • The Police Utilizing Search Dogs along with Lam’s Parents conduct a Thorough Search of the Cecil Hotel Including the Roof.
  • Their Search Turned Up Nothing Not s Single Clue or Shred of Evidence.
  • Lam’s Parents Didn’t Voluntarily Disclose Their Daughters Mental Health History to the Police Who were Pissed About it. Obviously The Police Thought such Pertinent Information would have been More Helpful if They had been Informed from the Beginning.

           

  • Shortly after the Failed Search News of Lam’s Mysterious Disappearance Hits the Media.
  • The Police deem Lam’s Disappearance as Suspicious and May Indicate Foul Play.
  • The Police hold a Press Conference and make Lam’s Case Public on February 6th.
  • Over a Week Passes before the Police Hold a Second Press Conference on February 14th. At the Press Conference They Release a Four Minute Video of Lam caught on an Elevator Surveillance Camera. The Video Captured Lam’s Erratic and Bizarre Behavior in Her Final Moments.
  • In the Footage Lam is seen Exiting and Re-entering the Elevator, Talking and Wildly Gesturing in the Hallway Outside the Elevator, and Sometimes seeming to Play a Sinister Game of Hide and Seek.
  • It is assumed the Elevator Door was Malfunctioning which Explains Why the Doors Don’t Automatically Close thus Remaining Open for Over 4 Minutes Straight.
  • After the Release of the Video Footage the Case’s Momentum Slows Considerably to a Virtual Stop.

            

  • Eventually Guests at the Cecil start to Complain about Low Water Pressure, and that the Water was Blackish in Color with a Very Unusual Taste.
  • During the Whole Ordeal The Cecil Remained Open. They did Require All Guests to Sign a “Drink The Water at Your Own Risk”/”Can’t Sue Us Waiver
  • On February 19th a Maintenance Worker Discovered Lam’s Body Floating in one of the Cecil’s 4 Large Water Tanks.
  • Lam Body was Nude, and Her Clothes along with Personal Affects were Floating in the Tank With Her.
  • The Coroner’s Report Found No Alcohol or Illegal Drugs in Her System, and  Deemed Lam’s Death as an Accidental Drowning.

The Unanswered Questions:

  • How did Lam access the Roof of the Cecil? The Door that leads to the Roof is Securely Locked at All Times, and is Wired with an Emergency Alarm that is Triggered When the Door is Opened. No Alarm was Ever Reported.
  • The Cecil’s Water Tanks are Four Feet Wide and 8 Feet Tall, and are Elevated on a Substantial Cinder Block Base increasing Their Height.
  • There NO FIXED ACCESS to the Water Tanks such as a Ladder or Stairs so How did Lam get on Top of the Tank to Begin With?
  • The Lids to the Tanks Weight 20 Pounds a Piece so if Lam climbed into the Tank on Her own Accord How did She Close the Lid with No Internal Handle?
  • The Water Level of the Tank that Lam’s Body was Found in  was too Low to allow Her to Reach the Hatch Door once inside of the Tank (even if there was a Viable Handle)?
  • Also What about the Fact the Police had Searched the Roof with the Assistance of Official Trained Search Dogs that turned up Nothing?
  • The Autopsy Report and its Conclusions have also been Questioned.
  • The Autopsy Report Doesn’t Say what the Results of the Rape Kit and Fingernail Kit Were, or Even if They were Processed.
  • Even the Coroner’s Pathologists appeared to be Ambivalent about the Conclusion that Lam’s Death was Accidental.
  • Lam’s Tumblr Blog was Consistently Updated up to 11 Months after Her Death.
  • Lam’s Phone was Not Found either with Her Body or in Her Hotel Room; it has been Assumed to have been Stolen sometime around Her Death.
  • Weather the Continued Updates to Lam’s Tumblr Blog were Facilitated by the Theft of Her Phone, the Work of a Hacker, They’re Automatic Updates through Tumblr’s Queue (which allows Users to Automatically Publish when the User is Away), or Possibly by Lam’s Killer is Unknown.

            

The Video Footage Theories and Conspiracies:

  • In Lou of the Mind Boggling Dynamics Some Believe Lam simply Commited Suicide.
  • Some Believe it was Due to The Paranormal someway Linked to the Cecil’s Violent Past.
  • Other Believe it was the Evil Spirit of Serial Killer Richard Ramirez or Johann “Jack” Unterweger who Still Stalk the Halls of the Cecil.
  • Another School of Thought is Lam was Demonically Possessed.
  • The More Practical Minded People Speculate Lam was having a Manic Fit or a Psychotic Break.
  • In Spite of the Coroner’s Report Finding No Alcohol or Illegal Drugs in Lam’s System insist She was Under The Influence/ Intoxicated explaining Her Abnormal Behavior in the Video Footage.
  • The Main and Most Intriguing Belief being Lam was in Fact Murdered. It Would explain Why in the Footage Lam Appears to Be Hiding at Times, Acting like She’s being Followed, Pleading with Someone in the Hallway, and Overall Frantic and Panicked Behavior. This could also Explain Lam’s Continued Tumblr Updates as They are being Posted by the Killer using Lam’s Missing Phone.

           

In The End it was a Mystery Then and It’s a Mystery Today. It’s Safe to Say Whatever the Secret was Behind Lam’s Final Manic Moments She Took With Her to the Grave.

Thanks For Reading/Watching,

Presented By    Les Sober & FYB  (Posted at 1:07 am)

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (59/365)

The Bus Driver Slammed on the Break causing the Bus to Lunge Forward sending all of the Passengers falling forward all over one another. It reminded Lee of the World’s Most Fucked Up Domino Display Toppling Over. The Passengers pushed and shoved like a Bunch of Rabid Savages as They Untangled Themselves and returned to Their Feet once again. The Driver Threw Open the Bus Doors and the Passengers came flooding out like water through a Busted Dam into the empty Parking lot.

As Soon as Everyone was off the Bus the Asian Gamblers regroup and started talking frantically before They all took off Running like Their asses where on Fire. The Bus Driver yelled after Them to get back over by the Bus because leaving the Scene of an Accident is in itself a Crime. The Bus Driver’s words fell on Deaf Ears as The Group of Asian Gamblers continued to sprint off into the Distance like Their lives Depended on it.

“Where the fuck are They Going?” asked Dizzy confusedly as He peered around like a Methed up Meerkat.

“If I had to venture a Guess it’s because They’re afraid of Immigration or the Simply Fact They’re engauging in Illegal Gambling on Illegal Cock Fights.” snapped the Bus Driver irritably as He waited on hold with 911.

“That and They smelled like fucking Opium.” added Lee snidely since He resented the Bus Driver’s Attitude. He didn’t exactly know Why, but for some Reason it was Rubbing Him the Wrong Way. It was in all probability  just due to His Overall Frustration having found Himself in the Middle of a Grade 5 Hurricane  Sized Shit Storm.

           

“Hello 911 My name is Gus Gentry and I’m a Bus Driver for the City,” announced the Bus Driver Forcefully as He paced Back and Forth like a Caged Animal, “I got an Emergency and Need Immediate Assistance. What kind of Emergency? Every Kind You Got! I need an Ambulance, a Coroner, and some fucking Police Officers.”

As Lee eavesdropping on the Bus Driver’s Phone Call He peered around surveying the Scene laid out before Him in the Parking Lot. The Priest Dizzy had Assaulted was still Bleeding like a Stuck Pig as He attended to the Severely Injured Homeless Drunk. The Homeless Drunk was Laying on the Ground with His back up against the Curb Wailing like a fucking Banshee in Heat. The Priest had knelt down on one Knee and was Manically Praying Over Him in Hushed Tones rocking back and forth as He did So.

The Middle Aged Woman who the Homeless Drunk had Vomit Upon was Standing by a Defunct Lamp Post shaking like a goddamn leaf. This however didn’t stop Her from Launching into a Tirade about The Situation at Hand and Her Personal Predicament. In Front of Her was the Young Couple who looked shaken to Their Core and were staring Blankly into the Distance Obviously in a great Deal Shock. Lee left Dizzy’s side and wondered over closer to where the Woman was Standing to Observe the Insanity Close Up.

           

“I mean the Man Vomited on Me, and IN PUBLIC! A Man who Vomits publicly on a Woman is Not a Gentleman He’s a down right Abomination upon Humanity Itself,” said the Woman as if She was Preaching a Sermon in Church and waving Her Arms about like Epileptic Eels, “I have never been subjugated to such Degradation and Deviance in MY LIFE I tell You, and If My Husband was Alive He would have Slapped some Sense and common Decency Into Him. He’d have rolled up His Sleeves, taken off His Wedding Ring, Loosened His Tie, and given that Homeless Drunkard an Honest Ass Kicking!”

Lee found it fascinating Entertaining that the Woman spoke as if She was under the Impression it was 1922, and Chivalry wasn’t Dead as a fucking Door Nail. The Young Couple Meanwhile remained in a Post Traumatic Haze, all the Blood having Drained from Their Deathly White Faces, and Looked as if They would Collapse into a Heap at a moments Notice. Lee couldn’t Help but think that the Young Couple compared to the Businessman who was Actually Dead where the One’s Who in Fact Looked like Death Warmed Over. It was then Lee Noticed the Traumatized Bus Bunny sitting on the Curb Legs Splayed Open, Arms Flung About, Head Cocked to one Side, and Babbling incoherently. Lee walked over and decided to take a seat next to Her on the Curb.

“I Never…I Never…Never fucked a Guy to Death Before,” whispered the Bus Bunny aloud without even acknowledging Lee’s Presence, “I din’t know He was dying who Dies when They’re fucking? I didn’t know My shit was Sucking His Soul Out through His Pecker. My Muff is a Murderer.”

           

Lee got up as He had no Interest in Listing to Nonsensical Drivel so He returned to His Spot standing Next to Dizzy. Dizzy Seemed Greatly agitated He couldn’t stop fidgeting as He constantly shifted His Weight from Foot to Foot like a Nervous Prey Animal when They Know a Predator is Near. He was coated in a Clear Sheen of Sweat and His Eyes Darted about like a Hummingbird. Lee was perplexed by Dizzy’s current behavior as Dizzy didn’t seem like the Type of Person that let Never Let a Goddamn thing get to Them. Dizzy kept looking over obsessively towards Not just the Road but the Entrance to the Parking Lot as Well which reminded Lee of a Junkie on the Verge of Being Dope Sick watching Cars to see if can Spot Their Dealer coming with Their next Fix.

“What the fuck is Wrong with You Man You’re coming fucking Unglued,” commented Lee with a hint of Honest Concern, “This is undoubtedly a Royal Class A Cluster Fuck, But Hey it’s also great Free Entertainment so Why Not stay a While and see How it Ends?”

“Because I fucking Broke My Beer Bottle over a fucking Priest’s fucking Head, and He’s Bleeding like a Son of a Bitch,”replied Dizzy with a good deal of Contempt,”I don’t know about You Man, But I got Plenty of Better shit to do Today then to get fucking Arrested and Charged with Aggravated fucking Assault Goddamn it All to Hell!”

           

“Well We better have a fucking Plan B because the Cops beat Us Here Before We could get the fuck Out of Here,” said Lee as He watched Several Police Cruisers come Driving in like They were NASCAR Drivers.

“FUCK! FUCK ME! FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE! WHAT THE FUCK,” screamed Dizzy in a Panicked Rage, “What the Fuck Already I’m so fucked I’m going to fucking County Again Goddamnit.”

“Hold On Don’t worry just Yet,” advised Lee calmly, “With all the fucking Chaos We’ll blend in and then We can slip on Out when The Cops are Busy with all These Insane Fuckers.”

“Alright thats not the World’s Shittiest Idea.”Replied Dizzy as He did His Best to get His shit together and Maintain.

           

The Cops pulled up Their Brakes Screeching to High Heaven as The Charged in like it was World War III or some sort of National fucking Disaster was occurring. The Cops Piled Out of Their cars with Their hands on Their Guns and wearing Their Best Authoritative Faces. Some Police Officers rounded Everyone Up into a Small Group in Front of the Bus while a Couple Went over to Evaluate the Injured Priest and the Wounded Homeless Drunk. The Middle Aged Woman being a Shitty Snob immediately took center stage, and launched into a Full Blown “Poor Me” Victim Spiel worthy of a fucking Oscar. A Few of the Officers broke off to Handle the Fighting Roosters that were still Raising Hell inside of the Bus. The Police Officers Boarded the Bus and were Attacked Mercilessly by the Roosters as They Flapped Around trying to Claw out the Officers Eyes. This was all the Police Needed to Use Deadly Force, and The Officers on the Bus drew Their Weapons and Unloaded Clip after Clip into the Flock of Furious Foul. The Gun Shots continued until Every Raging Rooster Lay Dead Riddled with Bullets.

As The Barrage of Gunfire on the Bus was in Full fucking Swing an Ambulance came and the EMTS were tending to the two Injured Men. The Wiped as much Blood as possibly off the Priests Head before Bandaging it to the Point it looked like They were attempting to Mummify Him. One EMT escorted the Still Frantically Praying Priest over to the Ambulance. The Other EMT turn His Attention to the Homeless Drunk who ended up on a Stretcher with a Free Ride to the Nearest Hospital’s ICU.

     

The last to Arrive was the City Coroner who seemed to be in No Rush at all since where the fuck was the Dead Guy gonna go?! They touched base with the Police Officers before They Boarded the Bus. As soon as They did the Lead Coroner started Bitching Loudly about the Rooster Massacre He had to wade Through to do His Job. That was until He reached the Deceased Businessman’s Corpse then He really flipped he fuck out Big Time. Lee couldn’t make out the Words as They were muffled by the Confines of the Bus, but He could tell by Tone exactly how the Coroners Felt about the situation. After a Healthy Dose of Venting the Lead Coroner stuck His head out the Bus Door and looked around until He spotted His Subordinate.

“HEY PHIL,” the Lead Coroner Bellowed, “This Stiff is so covered in Bodily Fluid I’m talking Blood, Spit, Vomit, Piss, Shit and Semen WE don’t need a Body Bag We Need a Goddamn Body Condom for this Guy.”

Stay Tuned for the Next Unsettling Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (60/365)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Chaos & The 2 Year Career: Malice The Band That Almost Killed Us All Part 2

NOTE: Alright Reader from now on I will be using a Time Line to keep this post entertaining and no longer than it needs to be.

Feb. 5th, 1988  “Mad as Hell” Tour ends, and Gar Fisch announces he is leaving the band due to the physical toll that the Stank Breath Years had taken on his body and health. For Example due to Gar’s firecracker anal oriented antics had left Gar with a permanently prolapsed asshole.

Feb. 7th, 1988 Von Dire calls an emergency band meeting, and after several rounds of Tequila Shots and Nitrous Whip Its decided to hire a manager. They settled on Marty Trundle who immediately terminated their contract with RatFuck Records and got them signed to WhoreMonger Records a major International label.

Feb. 9th, 1988 WhoreMonger books Malice on a 6 month Festival Tour across North America and Europe. Malice celebrates with a 72 hour drug binge ending in the band being arrested for Public Intoxication, Public Nudity, and Defecting in Public.

Feb. 13th, 1988 Trundle introduced Dire, Vile, and Rage to Ex-Sleaze guitarist Eddie Sleaze as a possible replacement for Gar Fisch. The band and Sleaze bond over countless beers and lines of Cocaine. Somewhere along the way Sleaze was officially hired as Malice’s replacement guitarist.

Feb. 15th, 1988 Malice hit the road for the start of the “WhoreMonger’s Whores” Tour with their first show in Peoria Illinois at The Mental Metal Festival. The show ended early because the Fire Marshall showed up and informed the Festival Promoter the amount of Pyrotechnics Malice planned to use were considered “A Hazardous Explosive Threat”. The Promotoer facing a massive fine as well as having his entire Festival shut down radioed the Stage Manager and told him to halt any future Pyrotechnics Malice was planning to use. When the Pyrotechnics didn’t go off during the drum solo Von Dire was infuriated beyond belief.

The rest of the band seeing something serious was going down stopped playing mid song. The confused Crowd was left standing in a muddy field wondering why the show they paid for suddenly stopped during the Headliner’s set. Von Dire grabbed the Promoter by the front of his shirt and dragged him on stage to confront him. Vile, Rage, and Sleazy abandoned their instruments as they walked over to see what the fuck the deal was. A now enraged Von Dire is screaming at the top of his lungs about how no bullshit is going to fuck up his show, Malice wanted to be financially compensated for the pyrotechnics not being used, and that the Promoter he was a sniveling, slippery little shit.

Sleaze decided he felt the same as Von Dire about the situation, and did nothing but piss gas on the fire by agitating Von Dire further and further. Rage left the stage pissed off, and not wanting to deal with this shit show so he was going to get shitfaced. Vile managed to get between Von Dire and the Promoter and was struggling to keep the two men apart as now the Promoter was angry as hell about being physically and verbally assaulted by Von Dire. With things utterly out of control Vile punched Von Dire in the balls and handed him off to a Roadie. Before Vile could explain himself  (hitting Von Dire in the balls was the only way for anyone to shut him down) was hit over the head with an empty beer bottled wielded by Sleaze.

The Stage crew, Festival Security, and the arrival of the Police combined managed to get things under control, but the Festival would be rescheduled for a later date due to the uproar that tonights show. Von Dire and Sleaze went to jail for Assault and Terroristic Threats, Vile went to the Emergency Room and received 19 stitches, and Rage ended up in the ER as well for Alcohol Poisoning later that night.

Feb. 18th, 1988 Malice plays the Wisconsin “Heavy Metal Massacre” Festival. The show goes well and without incident, but after the show things got pretty fucking crazy. After their set Malice retired to their dressing room for a pre celebration party celebration. They did so much Blow that they effectively snorted themselves into cocaine psychosis, ended up at the air for, barged through a line of people waiting to board their plane, and ended up on a flight to Albany NY. Luckily Trundle made it to the air port before the plane took off, but had to have the pilot to agree to taxi around the runway. This way Trundle argued he could convince the band they in fact had completed their impromptu plane ride.

Feb. 20th, 1988 Malice shows up a day early for Salt Lake City’s “SLC Metal Mayhem” Festival in Utah. Vile went to the Bauhaus Brewery (No relation to the post-punk band Bauhaus) and managed to get kicked out for being too drunk for the brewery tour. Trundle came and picked up the heavily intoxicated Vile and drove him to the Hotel Harrison to sleep it off.

Trundle then received a call that Rage was at The Pink Pussy also drunk off his ass and had jumped up on stage to preform his own strip tease. Though the Police had been called to the scene Trundle managed to convince them to let Rage go with a drunk and disorderly misdemeanor. While Trundle was running around like a mad man trying to keep his clients out of jail, the hospital or the Coroner’s Von Dire and Sleaze took a Ferrari for a test drive and traded it for $10,000 of Crack.

Now with a fat sack filled with high quality Crack Rocks walked to the nearest Shitty Corner Neighborhood Hellhole ran up a $379 tab before the two pulled a Booze-N-Bolt stiffing the elderly bartender who called the Cops. Fueled by a serious supply of Crack Von Dire and Sleaze picked up some $2 Hookers, and got a room at the nearest Flop House Motel (You know the kind where you pay by the hour and no one snitches)

After a STD ridden sexfest Von Dire and Sleazy had literally burned through their Crack Stash opted to inject Adderall into their necks. This is when all of a sudden Trundle burst into the room. He knew where the two were at because he had placed a GPS Tracker in one Vile’s many pieces of jewelry. Trundle had done this because after 12 years in the music business he had learned how to keep track off “High Risk” Talent. Trundle took Von Dire and Sleazy to a local 24 hour Drug Detox Center and had both their systems flushed free off Narcotics.

Feb 20th Malice misses their set at the “SLC Metal Mayhem” Festival due to the band was still recovering from the partying they did the night before. When the Crowd found out Malice was going to be a No Show they began to riot tearing the venue to pieces. In a last ditch effort to end the riot without incident or Police involvement the Festival’s Promoter announced that another fan favorite The Savage Savages would be taking Malice’s spot, and there would be a free meet-N-Greet after the show. This soothed the seething fans who stopped the destruction and celebrated in jubilation. The night ended with no one getting hurt or arrested, it was nothing short of a miracle.

Feb 21st Malice arrive at “Madmen of Metal” Festival in Hoonah Alaska population 740 (571 of which were rabid Malice Fans). The Show was one of Malice’s most notorious they ever preformed. As the band launched into their number one hit “Shit Sandwich” a rouge Penguin waddled on stage. Von Dire being lit as shit on LSD and Mushrooms was completely oblivious, and accidentally kicked the poor Penguin square in the face. What no one knew at the time that the Penguin was in actuality the prized pet of an Inuit Tribal Chief who took it as a gravest of insults. The still oblivious Von Dire instructed Malice to play their unit-authoritarian anthem “Fuck’em All” in response to the angry Inuit barrage. As the Inuits fought security Malice played on further infuriating the already anger Inuits who now where well aware they were being mocked by Malice’s music.

The Inuit’s at last had dispensed of every security guard and ran up on stage, grabbed Von Dire, Sleaze and Vile, tried a rope around their ankles, attached the other end of the rope to awaiting Dog Sleds, and then told the Sled Dogs to Mush dragging the 3 musicians off into the freezing pitch black of the Alaskan night. Von Dire, Vile, and Sleaze where found 8 hours later when the Sled Dogs stopped to take 5. All 3 were treated for frost bite and hypothermia and made a full recovery in a matter of days.

Malice was charged by the State of Alaska for Animal Abuse, Desecrating Sacred Tribal Soil, and Hate Crimes against the indigenous Inuits. None of these law suites was ever settled because Malice Self Destructed before the length court process was complete. To this day no one knows how Rage avoided capture including Rage who was blackout drunk before taking the stage.

Feb 23, 1988 Finally released from the Alaskan Hospital Von Dire, Vile, and Sleaze rejoined Rage and the band departed for the Oregan’s “Masters of Metal” Festival in the town of Ashland. Before the show Sleaze had an altercation with the opening band Pisser’s drummer. Apparently Sleaze was not a fan of Pisser’s music and considered them to be Punk Rock Wannabe’s. Sleaze had spent the day insulting the band, and talking mad shit to anyone who’d listen. Then Sleaze was approached by a reporter for “Heavy Metal Magazine” for a on the spot interview about the Festival Tour thus far, and how the band was handling it. During the interview of course Sleazy used the platform to further insult Pisser claiming their guitarist Ulrich “The Urinal” Upschicker was a shitty Eddie Sleaze imitation. Sleaze went on to further claim Pisser stole Stank Breath’s musical style in a lame attempt to capitalize on Malice’s wild success.

Later that night during Malice’s encore that night Ulrich made an unscheduled and unwanted appearance. Ulrich walked determinately onto the stage waiving a Giant, Double Headed, Neon Pink Dildo, and then walked over to Sleaze. Sleaze who was already striding across the stage to see what the fuck Ulrich was doing dropped his guitar and flipped Ulrich off with both hands. Ulrich then charged at Sleaze wailing the Dildo until he got face to face with Sleaze at which point he Pimp Slapped Sleaze across the face knocking him backwards.

Rage then threw his drum sticks at Ulrich who responded by ducking the drum sticks and laughing manically at Rages attempt to thwart him. Rage then came bolting out from behind his drums like a Bull in a china shop knocking his entire drum kit off the drum stage. Once Rage hit the stage he unceremoniously tripped over part of his drum kit and twisted his ankle sending him crashing down face first through his Bass Drum.

This amused Ulrich who now was being some what restrained by Security to no end, and further facilitating Ulrich’s maniacal Laughing. fit. Sleaze at the same time was distracted from Ulrich because he was busy battling Security to get off of him. Sleaze head butted several Security Guards before breaking free long enough to run across the stage, leap over the heads of the Security Guards surrounding Ulrich, and hit him with one hell of a Haymaker. The Punch hit Ulrich with such force it knocked out Ulrich’s two front teeth. Security consolidated their efforts on Sleaze at that point as Ulrich was distracted now looking for his teeth, and hollering for a Gallon of Milk.

Vile and Von Dire scrambled around avoiding Security as a couple of Roadies managed to retrieve Rage from amid the chaos to the on site EMT Tent. Von Dire spent his time dodging Security to rile the Crowd into a fit of frenzy until the Promoter cut the mic. This didn’t stop Von Dire who continued to scream at the Crowd inciting a violent relation against Pisser and any asshole who would hire them. Vile grabbed a bottle of Whiskey from the side of the stage (and downed the entire bottle) while ducking Security who were desperately trying to end the fight between Sleaze and Ulrich. The Police showed up in full Riot Gear and started using Tear Gas to disperse the unruly Crowd sending Malice fleeing the stage. Malice made it safely (aside from Rage’s self induced sprained ankle) to the waiting tour bus, and Trundle put the peddle to the metal speeding off down the Highway words the next show.

Feb. 26th 1988 Malice had spent the last couple of days on the way to South Dakota’s “Mega Metalfest” Festival in the town of Wall on the phone doing hundreds of interviews with the press in America, Asia, Canada, and Europe. Undoubtedly Malice was dominating the music scene across every medium Televisions, Newspapers, Magazines, and Word of Mouth. By the time Malice pulled into Wall their ego’s were so inflated they cancelled their performance, and announced it was due to the fact they had become too famous to play a town like Wall (whose a year round population of 800.)

Feb 28th 1988 The final day of the Festival Circuit Malice had fired Trundle and were actively looking for new representation. They had also terminated their deal with WhoreMonger and signed instead with Razorback Records who promised they could record their first album immediately. See up to this point though Malice’s success was sizable it was built sold on their live shows, they hadn’t even recorded a single song. That nights show was wild as Malice hit the stage in high spirits and ended up playing 4 encores before showering the audience with $250,000 worth of Champaine (the Band used the entire $250,000 signing bonus with Razorback on the extravagance) Malice spent the rest of the night driving around town partying with everyone who crossed their path.

Stay Tuned for the Next Installment Of Malice The Band Who Almost Killed Us All posting NEXT after this radically surreal piece by SpaceDog.

Thank for Reading,

Les Sober