Tag: cousins

FYB Update: A Glimpse Behind The Cloak Part 2: Next Stop The Great Southern Swamp

So Once the Car Crash Chaos finally Calmed Down We were able to Hit the Road out of the Woods headed straight towards the Great Southern Swamp. Though We ended up leaving 3 fucking Horus behind Schedule (I hate being Late its a Pet fucking Peave of Mine) it was Mostly My fault I must Admit. I would go to do Something only to get Distracted along the Way thus Wasting a great deal of Time chasing My own damn Tail as it were.

In All Actuality I can’t complain I mean obviously I could be an Asshole of the Highest Order and Nit Pick something to Bitch about, But why the Hell do that?! Once We left it was smooth fucking Sailing all the Way No Shitty Weather, Traffic Jams, Road Construction, Road Delays, Accidents, Rush Hour Issues, and No Stupid Motherfuckers sitting at a Dead Stop in the Middle the Road (on a Blind Curve ) while Stealing Shit to Deal with it was Damn near Perfect.

Since We weren’t going to get to Where We needed to be until much Later then expected We decided not to get Pissed about it, and instead take Advantage of it by taking Our Sweet Ass Time. Fuck the Runaround, Rushing About, and the Rat Race fuck Them all. It was nice I have to admit not to be so Constricted by the Concept of Time it was quite fucking Peaceful.

        

We got a Good Nights Sleep and a Chance to Sleep in which is always Nice. After milling around Drinking Coffee to No End My Wife and I met up with Her Best Friend Dozie (and a Good Friend and Ex-Coworker of Mine). The first Order of Business was Lunch as Dozie was just getting off Work by the Time We were ready to Venture Out into the Surrounding Swamp. Since We live Deep in the Woods of The Southern Country We don’t have Certain things You can find Pretty much anywhere fucking Else, and in this Case it was a Deli. No Deli’s in the Boondocks I am afraid to Say.

After Lunch We rather Aimlessly Rode around Town checking out How Our Old Stomping Ground had Changed or Evolved since We got the Hell out of the Breath Southern Swamp. We also made Several purchases of Other Hard to Locate Living in No Man’s Land Items along the Way as Well figuring Why waste a Perfectly Good Opportunity?!  As the Day Faded Away into the Oncoming Dark Night My Wife, Dozie, and I prepared Ourselves for a Evening out at The Eagles Our Long Time Favorite Local Dive Bar.

What Dozie was unaware of was that Over Time My Wife and I found a Following of Friendly People who Adore the shit Out of Us especially since We moved several Years Ago. My Wife dropped Me off at the Eagles and went to run to the Bank or some last minute mundane Task, and I went in ahead of Her and Dozie.

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The First Person I ran into is a Gentleman Named Hatchet who instantly as He always does (and has for fucking Years) Yelled at the top of his fucking Lungs “HEY IT’S JESUS!”, and Then precedes to Shake My Hand and inadvertently fucking Break it with Drunken Excitement. Now Why Does He Refer to Me as Jesus? Why is My Nickname in General at the Eagles Jesus? Well I’ll leave it Up to You to figure that one Out.

During the Course of the Night I got to visit with My Favorite Eagles Bar Tender of all Fucking Time Audry who ironically was Tending Bar that Night. The New Bar Tender was alright She didn’t neglect anyone or Drag Her Ass in any way, but there was still that awkward Unfamiliarity hanging in the Air like a Lingering Fart. I got to See the Cast of Usual Suspects and Especially My Best Friend Mr. Percy most of All. It was a rather Lively Night at the Eagles which can be quite Low Key when it wants to be. There was Endless Rounds of Jello Shots, Chaotic Karaoke, and Some Alcohol Fueled and Related Auction for All Kinds of Random shit. There was like Your Basic Gift Basket, but Mostly it was Bottles of Booze or Heavily Booze Laced Desserts/Cakes, and the Fireball was Flowing Freely.

       

The Following Morning I woke up Nice and Early just so I could have the Pleasure of Puking. You know You’ve Partied Your Ass Off to Capacity when You Vomit During OR at The End of the Night. If You wake up and the First fucking thing You do is Vomit You know Last Night You abused the Hell Out of Your Liver, and More than likely You Damn Near did Your Liver in Once and For All. It’s one of Those Times where You wake Up, and say to Yourself Well I may Not be Quitting Drinking for Good, But I am for Quite a While.It’s the type of Hangover that Even when it’s Over it Still Haunts Your Memory.

A Little Later on that Pleasantly Sunny Morning My Wife and I had Brunch with Her Aunt and Uncle along with My Wife’s Younger Cousin and His Wife. Considering the Previous Nights Over Indulgence on My part this Brunch was Particularly Brutal just to Get Through. My Head was Fuzzy, My  Eyes were Blurry, and I My Mind was Muddled as a Motherfucker Let Me Tell You. Weirdly at the Same Time it was really Pleasant on some Sick Level I suppose because all said and Done I ultimately enjoyed Myself.

       

The Restaurant We ate at was a Bit Too Fancy For Me as I’m so fucking LOW Maintenance its an Ongoing Joke.I went with the Family Flow and Ordered a 3 Course Lunch with Various Options in the Appetizer/Main Course/ Dessert Something or Other. The Appetizer I opted for Honestly was the Only fucking Option that sounded like anything I would actually Eat which was Black Bean and Bacon Soup. Did I mention How Hungover I was because that Soup was HEAVY AS FUCK! I mean while it Tasted Splendid as soon as it Landed in Your Stomach it Apparently turns into Instant Cement or at Least thats what fucking Felt Like. The Main Course was Fish so it was Delightful and Light on the Stomach which was still Reeling from the Dense Soup Scenario. The Dessert Deal turned out to be a Selection of Desserts in fucking Shot Glasses which I’m rather Ambivalent about, but thats just Me.

After the Meal was Over Everyone went Their different Ways, and My Wife and I circled around Back to Base Camp. My Wife spent Her time productively Completing Her Continuing Education Courses/Credits for this Year while I on the Other Hand took a Well Needed Nap to Fully Regain My Faculties. It was by by Definition a Power Nap as I awoke Feeling like My Normal fucking Self Again, I was Resurrected in the Land of the Living.

       

We reconvened that evening around 6 pm when I noticed that a Couple We Knew and were Good Friends with had Texted Us to see if We’d like to stop by Their House for Dinner, and to See the Puppy of Ours They Adopted a Year Back. I would like to take a second to acknowledge that Derrick and Terri are Great Owners, But Bernie (The Dog) turned out to be a Great Dog. Well Behaved, No Bad Habits, Listens to His Owners Etc.

I immediately conferred with my Wife and Texted Derrick and Terri back with an Enthusiastic Hell’s Yes. Unfortunately it turned Out Derrick had been doing Roofing Work that Day, and as Roofing goes He fucked up His Back pretty Bad. So Poor fucking Derrick had to Bail on Dinner to tend to His Beat Up Back, But We still stopped by and Saw Terri ad Bernie, Hung out for a while, Shot the Shit, had a Few Beers, and Laughed a lot. After Our visit We headed over to the Eagles once again to meet up with Mr. Percy and Thank God it was a much Slower Night at The Eagles. I was Happy because the other Night had been Fun as fuck sometimes Relaxing over a Few Drinks beats Partying until Dawn.

       

We Left the Following Morning after having Breakfast with My Wife’s Older Cousin who was in Town. We Managed to Stay on Schedule this time around and made Great Time.  I honestly was a Little Impressed I must say. Again We were lucky as Hell not to have had to Deal with any Traffic/Road Issues like Holiday Traffic or Weekend Traffic for Example. Needless to say it was Splendid Not getting Stuck in some Aggravating bullshit along the Way. I enjoy the Ride because it’s Familiar, BUT Not to the Point of  Monotony. This is a Very fucking Difficult Balance to Achieve None the Less Maintain the Test of Time. I find Boredom Deplorable and Truly Hellish in Many Ways so this Delicate Balance is Especially Important in My Mind.

Since We returned Home to the Woods much Earlier than Ever be for decided if We could Pick Up Our Big Dogs Tonight instead of having Wait till After Work the Following Day. It Save Us both Time and Money which I am Always in Favor of.  It would just so Happen that even though it was well After Hours the Guy We Board with was willing to Stay Late and gave Us His Cell Number. We called and of course He said come on by which means see You in 45 minutes because again We live in the Middle of No Where Special. We managed to pick up the Big Dogs without to much Hyper Dog Drama except for When Big Dad Dog came flying cross the Front Desk into the Waiting Room.

     

Once We got Home Everyone Hit the Couch and fucking CRASHED being utterly Worn Out and Thoroughly Exhausted from Our Venture. Road Trips are fucking Fun, But at the same Time there’s Nothing Like Returning Home.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

My Dad is Dead and My Uncle Donny is a DICK.

It’s No Secret that The 2 Sides of My Family are as Opposite as Night and fucking Day Believe You Me. While My Mother’s Side of the Family is Close, Supportive, and Loving My Father’s Family were/are Cold, Closed Off, and Insanely Self fucking Centered.

I have never Visited My Uncle Donny and His Family (Wife and 2 Kids) at His House not Once Not Ever. To be fair My Uncle and His Family only Visited My Family’s House for a Total of Twice. My Grandmother You see lived in The Big City that just so happened to be right around the Half Way between Our Family and My Uncles. Needless to say We utilized My Grandmother’s location to No End.

Every 5-6 Months We would all load up in the Car and Drive the 90 Minutes to My Grandmothers where We would meet Up with My Uncle and His Family. We’d sit around in Virtual Silence just Staring at the fucking Walls like Our Own Personal Waiting Room in Purgatory. The whole thing was Horribly Mind Numbing to say the Least.

       

Finally either My Father or My Uncle would decide it had been Long Enough sitting Idly around My Grandmothers Small 1 Bed Room Apartment, and We would head out to a Chinese Restaurant, but usually We just Frequented a Near By Italian Restaurant. The Meal would be almost exactly the same as Sitting Around My Grandmother’s Apartment like a bunch of Irrational Assholes. The only difference was the Setting and The Food other than That the Social Dynamic NEVER CHANGED.

My Uncle Donny spent a Majority of His time during these Estranged Visits catering to His Demanding High Maintenance Wife who I will refer to as Picky which She was in Spades. Picky was a OG Drama Queen who not only was a Legend in Her own fucking feeble Mind She was the most Self Centered Person I have ever Encountered.

My Brother and I hung out with Each other to help Pass the Tension of Time since My Uncles Kids were as Socially Outgoing as Their Shitty Parents. The Daughter who was the Eldest of the Two I believe truly meant well She just didn’t have a fucking Clue how to Navigate through this Certain Shit Show. She ended up getting Married and has a couple Kids I think, but We have NEVER Communicated outside or since the Joint Visits to My Grandmother’s, and that goes for the ENTIRE fucking Family for that Matter.

       

My Uncle Donny’s Son was a Silent as They come which People wrote off to Him being Seriously Introverted and thus rather Socially Awkward. I’m still waiting to See Him on the News for being Arrested as a Prolific Serial Killer. Socially Awkward My Ass He’s a fucking Sociopath. I heard years ago He was working in the City and Shit got out of Control, and He returned Home all fucked up in the Head. The Last I Heard He works in fucking Thai Land where He has some Day Job and at Night He Kills Prostitutes which would be far easier to do in a SMALL 3rd WORLD COUNTRY (Just Saying).

My Uncle was (He is Retired Now though I don’t know for How Long since I have No Idea when He actually Retired) a Lawyer’s Lawyer. Self Involved, Money Worshipping, Reputation Driven, Success Obsessed Egotistical Son of a Bitch. He lived for His Work and seems to care NOTHING about Anyone Else or Anything that doesn’t directly relate to Him. I’m not kidding.

He NEVER contacted My Father, My Father always had to reach out to Him. Once My Father finally caught Up with His Brother all My Uncle Donny would do is Talk about whatever the fuck was going on Currently in His Life. It was all about Him, His Job, His Friends, His Family, His Wife Etc. HE NEVER ASKED MY FATHER HOW HE OR WE WERE because My asshole Uncle could have Cared Less. My Father over time began to reach out less and less until He came to the Conclusion trying to Maintain a relationship (even if its just VIA the Phone/Email) simply WASN’T WORTH IT. His Brother was a Life Long Douchebag, and Had No Intention of Ever Trying to Change. Once a DICK Always a DICK as Some Say.

       

Now I know this sounds like just some Run of the Mill fucked Up Family Issues, (Let’s face it where there’s Family there’s going to be Issues), BUT as a Rule of Thumb Family sticks Together. The Point Being You have to Love Your Family, YET You Don’t have to Like Them.

My Father was Diagnosed with Terminal Liver Cancer and Fought it for the Better Part of a Year before Finally Succumbing. When My Father Died it fell on His Second Wife’s Shoulders to be the preverbal Bearer of Bad News. Of course the First People She contacted were Family Members and that included My Asshole Uncle who had Done little to Nothing even after Learning His only Brother was Terminally Ill.

My Father’s Second Wife called My Asshole of an Uncle to inform Him of HIs Brother’s Passing, BUT first and foremost She spent 15 fucking Minutes waiting for mY Uncle to remember Who the Hell She was. Once the My Idiot Uncle remembers Who She is She tells Him My Father Died, and the First fucking thing out of His fucking Mouth is and I fucking Quote “Well We Can’t Make It To The Funeral.”

       

Now Mind You My FAther’s Second Wife NEVER SAID If there was Going to be a Traditional Funeral (which it wasn’t as mY Father wasn’t Religious, fuck He didn’t want an Obituary either), Where it Would Be, or What the Time and Date would be. He just immediately Stated He (and His fucked up Family) WOULDN’T be There. None of My Family Member nor Myself ever Heard any Condolences of Any Sort from My Uncle, No Letter, No Email, No Phone We received a whole shit ton of Absolutely NOTHING.

Who the fuck Wouldn’t be Upset by Their Only Brother’s Untimely Demise, and more over WHO THE FUCK WOULN’T ATTEND THE FUCKING FUNERAL OR TALK WITH FELLOW GRIEVING FAMILY MEMBERS??!

My Asshole Uncle Donny Thats fuck Who Apparently. I have vowed that if I ever have the Misfortune of Laying Eyes on the Miserable Sack of Shit again in My Life I’m going to Punch the Fucker right in His fucking Face. The ironic thing is the Asshole moved not Only to The Great Southern Swamp when I resided there, BUT He moved to a Town that was 20 minutes from My fucking House.

One part of Me was Thankful I didn’t know when I was Living there because I didn’t get in Trouble because You better believe if I hit the Filthy Fuck He’d call the Piece of Shit Police. The Other Part of Me thought “WHO the fuck Moves 20 minutes away from a Fellow Family Member and DOESN’T Mention it to Them?!”

MY ASSHOLE UNCLE DONNY THAT’S WHO.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober