One of My Best Friends from High School, and only one of a few People I kept in Touch Sporadically through out the Years was Bluejetski (Sad to Say Bluejetski Passed Fairly Recently). Something We had in common was We both were in Agreement People do Absurd Shit without even thinking, or at Least Thinking it Through. A Prime Example was that on of the Most Common Absurd things that People do is End Phone Conversations by Saying “Well Let Me Let You Go…..” which is Utterly Ridiculous.
If I’m the one Ending the fucking Phone Call then Why am I acting like the Person I’m talking to said They had to Go?! Also whenever Someone says “Let Me Let You Go…..” They explain what it is They have to Do Now, and that’s the Reason They’re Ending the Call. If You think about it for a Second it makes Much more Sense to say the Alternative “I Have To Go…..” since it’s Far more Accurate a Statement.
Luckily on of the Reasons Bluejetski and I were Friends in the First Place was We shared the same Absurdly Bizarre and Extremely Dark sense of Humor. So in this Case We decided as Far as We were Concerned We would always Opt for “I have to Go” over “Let Me Let You Go”, but that wasn’t all Not by a Long Shot. Next We Launch an Unofficially Official Who can Top Who with the Reason We had to Go. Since Blujetski’s Untimely Demise I’ve reflected on Our Unique Friendship to say the Least. Thus I decided to Type up a Mock List as an Example(s) of the Weird Shit We Said to Each other over Our 27 Year Friendship.
Here We Go: “I Have To Go…..”
- I Just Farted Blood.
- I shit so hard I Prolapsed My Rectum.
- My Grandfather just Spontaneously Combusted.
- My Cat Just Ate My Dog.
- I got my Dick stuck in My Bong.
- My Grandmother just Transformed into My Grandfather.
- The Aliens are Here and want to get on with the Probing.
- I was holding a Seance and Now all My Dead Relatives are here.
- I just made Jam out of a Jellyfish.
- A Bear is raping a Rabbit in My back Yard.
- I accidentally Disemboweled Myself.
- The Acid I took just Kicked and I being chased by French Fries.
- A Dingo Ate My Baby. (Hats off to You if You get That Reference)
- Satan is Calling.
- Just started a New Crack Addiction.
- I have to Pawn My Great Grandfather’s Gold Teeth.
- I have to call 911 I was Masturbating and the Cock Ring is Stuck.
- I was reading a Porn Magazine and got a Paper cut on My Cock.
- I have to put a VooDoo curse on My Neighbors thats gives them all Herpies.
- Jesus is calling Me Home I’m running Late.
- I have to go watch Debbie does Nova Scotia (Hats Off if You get that Reference.
- Stepped on a Needle at the Jersey Shore and Now am Addicted to Heroin.
- I have to Jump Up My own Butt and Die.
- I’m having a Way to Near Near Death Experience.
- My Pet Hamster got Aids.
- I have to Lobotomize a Stray Cat.
- Drive the Sheep to the Sheep Fuckers Union Meeting.
- I’m going to a Circle Jerk Hosted by an Octopus.
- I have to Call Cthulhu (Hots off again if You get That Reference)
- I have to find a Hooker with Grabs because I want Seafood, but I’m Broke.
- I have to Impale My Boss.
- I just Passed Go and Didn’t Collect $200.
- Because a Riot Doesn’t start on its own.
- A chicken thinks My Balls are Eggs and Won’t get off My Lap.
- Have to Eat Pork’n Beans in Hell.
- To Prove I’m a Real Man by Wiping My Ass with Barbwire.
- I’m gonna try jerking off with Sandpaper.
- I didn’t look both ways before crossing the Street.
- A Bus Full of Nuns just Exploded Outside My House.
- Forgot to Buy Fertilizer for My Mom’s Garden so I have to go Shit in It.
- Going to Populate Antartica.
- I fucked My Girlfriends brains Out and Now I have to figure out how to put them back in.
- I have to figure out what to do with all these Dead Ninjas.
- I have to Wax on Wax Off.
- Join a Boy Band and Kill Myself.
- I have to Eat Shit.
- I have to get My Fuck Flying because I don’t give One.
- I was scratching My ass and Accidentally Fisted Myself.
- Have to Gargle with Broken Glass.
- See about Aborting My Uncle.
- I just went completely Deaf.
- I give a Shit, But I don’t give a fuck.
- Chuck Norris is here and wants to throw down.
- Need to hold onto a blade of Grass to keep from falling off the Planet.
- I have to go throw Airplane Liquor Bottles at My Alcoholic Aunt.
- Have to get going on a Old Fashioned Bender.
- I just turned inside Out.
- ME, Myself, and I are in a Fight.
- Swallow a Sword and shit a Dagger.
- My head wasn’t fastened On so I Lost it.
- My Brain fell out of My Ear and Rolled under the Refrigerator.
- I have to train My Flea Circus because We’re going on a Tour.
- Breed My Captive Platypuses.
- I bought Guam so I have to Fill out a shit ton of Paperwork.
- My Tapeworm is Hungry.
- I got so High (aka Stoned) I can see My House from Here.
- My brother is on PCP in the Backyard Kicking the shit out of a Squirrel.
- I have to Try Bud Dry. (Hots off if You get that Reference)
- Get in a Shouting Match with a Mute.
- There Nazis on the Moon and Someone has to Stop them.
- Moving to Chernobyl to see if I gain any Super Powers.
- I have an Appointment to Pierce and Tattoo My Taint.
- My 4th Cousin Removed needs an Exorcism.
- I ate Shit and will Now Die.
- Hack My Robots Brain to see what it’s Thinking.
- Spear Fish in the Pond at the Local Golf Course.
- Go to the Community Pool and Throw Rocks at People.
- About to get into a Knife Fight with a Homicidal Hobo.
- I’m converting to Cannibalism and a Tasty looking Jogger just went by.
- I have to Just Say No. (Yup Hats Off if You got that Reference)
- I have to go fuck Myself.
- I got to start cooking a Rack of Spam.
- I’ve gone Temporarily Insane, But I’ll Be Ok by Monday.
- I got High on My own Supply.
- I’m going to Start Some Anarchy in the UK (Hots off Reference)
- Because I have something I need to do The Day After Yesterday.
- I lost My fucking Marbles so I replaced them with Tiddly Winks and its not working out well.
- I Assumed and made an Ass out of You and Me.
- Disgraced My Family and am going to Commit Ritual Suicide as Penance.
- I have to go See a Man about a Widget.
- I just got Confirmation I’m going to be on Jerry Springer.
- My Trailer Park is on Fire.
- I’m upgrading from Double to Triple Wide.
- My Government Cheese Just Arrived.
- I’m throwing a Red Roof Party.
- I just went on the Deep Web and Drowned.
- I have to Pick My Teeth with a Razor Blade.
- I’m not going Grave Robbing I’m Grave Spelunking.
- Death comes to those who Wait and I’ve been on Hold Forever.
- I just Projectile Vomited so I need to make sure I’m not Possessed.
Thanks for Reading,
By Les Sober
By Les Sober