Creative Writing – Page 2

Introduction to Cannibalism 101: The Different Kinds of Cannibalism

Greeting and welcome to Introduction to Cannibalism 101: The Different Kinds of Cannibalism with Otto Rageous .

The practice of cannibalism has existed since the very dawn of humanity. From the Beginning from Cavemen through out the entire history of man al the way up to modern day. This is not a general lesson in/on cannibalism, it’s a specific lesson on the various kinds of cannibalism/cannibals that exist. Cannibalism is considered by a majority of Societies around the world as the most extreme Taboo a person could engage in. It’s ironic that humanity eats countless species of animals for sustenance, but when it comes to people eating other people its unacceptable, demonized, condemned, and made illegal. There’s a strange double standard surrounding the practice(s) of cannibalism since mankind is the only animal on the entire earth that kills one another for anything other than food. Thus the unofficial rule that came to be is murdering someone is extremely bad, yet eating someone is still far worse.

Cannibalism:(noun) The practice of eating the flesh of your own species/Kind.

Etymology: The word “cannibalism” is derived from cannibles, the Spanish name for Caribs, a West Indies tribe that may have been practicing cannibals, from the Spanish canibal or caribou “A savage”. The term Anthropology, meaning “eating humans” is also used for human cannibalism.

Historical Quote On the topic of cannibals/cannibalism:

“The people round here are all cannibals. You never saw such a weird looking lot in your life. There are also dwarfs (called Batwas) in the forest who are even worse cannibals than the taller human environment. They eat man flesh raw! It’s a fact.” Casement then added how assailants would “bring down a dwarf on the way home, for the marital cooking pot … The Dwarfs, as I say, dispense with cooking pots and eat and drink their human prey fresh cut on the battlefield while the blood is still warm and running. These are not fairy tales, my dear Cowper, but actual gruesome reality in the heart of this poor, benighted savage land.”

-Roger Casement (In a Letter to a Colleague on August 3, 1903)

Categories of Cannibalsim:

Ritualistic
Survival
Sacrifical
Necro/ Mortuary
Autocannibalism/ Sexual Autocannibalism
Sexual
Filial
Erotophonophilia
Vorarephilia
Gynophagia
Perthenophasia (sub type)
Sexual Autophagy
Symbolic
Pathological (also known as Erotophonophilia)
Exocannibalism
Endocannibalism

Category Definitions:

Ritualistic Cannibalism: In acts of ritual or customary cannibalism, specified members of a society consume all or part of a certain body parts, which are believed to contain and convey attributes of the deceased.

Survival Cannibalism: Survival cannibalism is innate in humans; people will resort to eating a fellow human being under dire circumstances.

Sacrificial Cannibalism: In dire circumstances a group of people may implement a system one of the most common is drawing straws. Members of a group draw “straws” to see which member of the group will subsequently be killed and eaten. As a willing participant each member of the group is in agreement if they are the one with the shortest straw that they will sacrifice themselves for the betterment of the group. It’s important to note that this grim system of selection is a voluntarily decision made by every member of the group unlike with Survival cannibalism.

Necro/ Post-Mortuary Cannibalism: The consumption of part or all of a corpse by members of its own kind. This is not limited to flesh alone as it includes the consumption of internal organs as well.

Auntocannibalism: Self-cannibalism or the practice of eating oneself. This also includes things like eating ones finger nails or a mother eating the placenta after giving birth.

Sexual Cannibalism: Is usually considered a psychosexual disorder and involves individuals’ sexualizing the consumption of another human being’s Flesh.

Erotophonophilia (type of Sexual Cannibalism): Often referred to as “lust murder” , a sexual paraphilia in which individuals have extreme violent fantasies and typically kill their victim during sex and/or mutilate their victim’s sexual organs. In some cases, the erotophonophiles will eat some of their victim’s body parts (usually post-mortem).

Vorarephilia (type of Sexual Cannibalism): This type of sexual cannibalism has been increasingly documented in the scientific literature over the last decade. This is a sexual paraphilia in which individuals are sexually aroused by 1. the idea of being eaten 2. eating another person, and/or 3. observing this process for sexual gratification. However, most vorarephiles’ behavior is fantasy based, although there have been real life cases such as Armin Meiwes, the so-called ‘Rotenburg Cannibal’.

Gynophagia (Sexually Cannibalistic Behavior): A sexual fetish that involves fantasies of cooking and consumption of human females (gynophagia literally means ‘woman eating’).

Parthenophagia (Sub Type of Gynophagia): This is the practice of eating young girls or virgins. Several lust murderers were also know to consume the flesh of young virgins, most notably serial Killer, pedophile, and sexual sadist Albert Fish.

Sexual Autophagy (type of Sexual Cannibalism): Refers to the eating of one’s own flesh for sexual pleasure.

Filial Cannibalism: Occurs when an adult individual of a species consumes all or part of the young of its own species or immediate offspring. This is primarily applied to the animal kingdom but the fact remains there is no age limit on human victims of Cannibalism. There are plenty of documented cases of human cannibalism involving adults eating children and babies (in addition to eating adults) from around the globe.

Symbolic Cannibalism: One that resides in the abstract, spiritual realm where no actual flesh is consumed. An example of this is Christian Mass.

Pathological Cannibalism: A pathological urge to devour human flesh, occasionally observed in severe schizophrenics and similar metal disorders. In psychoanalytic theory, cannibalistic impulses are associated with the fixation at the oral-biting phase of psychosexual development. This category includes several Serial Killers such as:
Albert Fish ( The Grey Man”)
Ed Gein (The fictional characters Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Buffalo Bill from the Movie Silence of the Lambs, and Norman Bates from Alford Hitchcock’s Psycho were all inspired by Ed Gein and his crimes.)
Jeffery Dahmer (“The Milwaukee Cannibal”)
Rudy Eugene “The Miami Cannibal”
Andrei Chikatilo “The Ukrainian Monster”
“The Crossbow Cannibal” Stephen Griffiths,
Luka Magnotta (The Canadian Cannibal. Most known as the subject of the popular Netflix documentary Don’t Fuck With Cats).

Endocannibalism (Learned Cannibalistic Behavior): Community of like minded people consume a member of their group pre or post mortem.

Exocannibalism (Learned Cannibalistic Behavior): The consuming of flesh of someone from outside of the group. Usually as a celebration of victory over an opposing enemy.

Thus ends our education on eating human flesh for now, and keep an eye out for future Cannibalism posts as there will be more and varied. The lesson here is from survival to serial killers cannibalism is more prevalent in the world than you’d dare to think.

That’s all Until our paths cross again

By Otto Rageous

News From The FYB Front

Hello Everyone,

Justin here and as you may imagine we here at the FYB have been hyper focused like surgical fucking laser on the current states of affaires here in America. I for one am so sick of this shit I really, really fucking am. We had to wait 4 way to long years to vote out dictator wannabe and world class dipshit dumbfuck trump (if your wondering I am not capitalizing his name as a sign of the utmost disrespect). Then we had to wait several days each seeming to last for fucking EVER to get confirmation. We stupidly thought we could take 5 and catch our collective breath, but hell fucking no dickhead donnie won’t get the fuck out of the Whitehouse like a psychotic squatter.

Then on the January 6th all hell broke loose like a record setting shitquake that would snap the Richter scale like a chickens neck and we are still suffering the aftershocks now. We now have a virtual 5 day eternity until January 20th when We will have a chance to sort this category 5 shitnado out. For that reason you have probably noticed posting has been erratic as fuck recently. We appreciate you hanging in there with us through these growing pains.

Anyway I didn’t want to show up to the party empty handed so here’s some info from behind the FYB curtain. As part of restructuring for here at good old FYB in 2021 Les decided to delegate some of the writing for FYB’s long neglected ongoing pieces. So here’s a list of who is doing what now.

Les will continue writing Malice: the band the almost killed us all and Another Day Down At The Cock’n Balls. Basically these are all Les’s babies so in the custody battle we let him keep two.

Otto will now be responsible for writing The Deviant Detective and The Boy and The Bridge. Heads up folks with Otto at helm of DD it is going to get dark as hell fast as fuck that’s for sure. As for BTB Otto’s insane obsession with the occult, demons, devils, supernatural, and all that crazy shit will give it a whole new perspective (I’m also convinced that Otto’s version of The Boy and The Bridge is his fucking autobiography).

As for myself I will be in charge of writing Lollypop Chainsaw and Lee Johnitis: Professional People Watcher. As for my plans for these 2 pieces is to crank up the crazy factor to fucking 5,000 and let the stories run wild. You all now have front fucking tickets front row and center at the Theater of the Absurd. You’re welcome.

We collectively will continue to work together on the so called miscellaneous shit like TV Shows, Animation, Tidbits For Shits and Giggles, Cartoons, Musical shit, and Salute To Eccentrics, Strange and Disturbing Videos, Movies, and Dark Web Videos etc. etc.

We plan on reviving Short Horror Film Friday and Saturday Slasher Cinema in the near future. We also be posting additional movies as too so there that too.

Anyways that’s all that’s worth writing about so,

See you around,

Justin Sane

Stupid shit I do when I get bored

What sucks so fucking bad about boredom is its boring and is know so by all who have ever existed. The best weapon in the arsenal of entertainment is to just make your own when all else falls flat on its face like your drunk uncle. I like to believe that I have redefined the concept of self entertainment when it comes to the stupid shit I do when I have to combat bored. I’ll let you be the judge. Bring on the list lets see that motherfucker!

The stupid shit I do when I get bored list:

Just the other day I had bought a rubber band gun to dissuade our upiity ass new kitten from misbehaving (main offense antagonizing the fuck out of the older house cat). I decided to load the gun with as many rubber bands as I fucking possibly could so I sat there adding one after the other until I had reached maximum capacity. That night as per usual the kitten started acting like a insane idiot and I was engaged in hunting her down to adviser her to cease and desist. Well if you have ever looked for a cat you already know that cats can be elusive motherfuckers when they want to be. Ninjas don’t have shit on cats its a fact so look it up. Anyway I colluded locate her and I have no idea why (it wasn’t fucking premeditated is all) when I passed my wife laying on the couch I yelled “SNATCH SHOT!” and unloaded ever last one of the rubber bands into my wife’s crotch. She had been engrossed in some YouRube video so she was startled as fuck and none too happy.

This week while keeping my wife company while grocery shopping a boring activity if there ever fucking was one am I right? Yeah I am. Anyways as my wife was selecting a piece of cow meat we would be dinning on that evening I saw a price tag. I don’t even remember what kind of meat it was but if I had to guess it was some pork tenderloin or something similar I suppose. The price was $6.96 and agin for no rhyme or reason I suddenly hauled the hell off and punched the shit out of that pork tenderloin thing. I then picked it up and loudly announced to my fellow shoppers “696 OFFEND MY FAMILY AND INSULTS OUR HONOR!”
A Frequent habit I have had for a extremely long ass time is when I’m out shopping with any doesn’t matter who the hell it is I start sneaking the most fucking random items into the cart when they aren’t looking (like a fucking cat). Then at check out I watch as they unload their shit at check out and discover my additions to their carts one by one intermediately through out the checking out process. You see you have to make sure as shit you dispense the various ass items in at different times and in different parts of the cart to fully drag the awkward confusion out.
Once in a while I’ll go to Dick’s sporting goods acting like an unhappy and irate customer with an ax to grind. I then when I encounter the first fucking employee I can demand that I talk to someone with authority. That means I want to talk to the biggest dick there.

I enjoy tracking down owners of Badcock Furniture Stores and inquiring why they haven’t legally changed their name from Badcock to something more flattering and advantageous. I then give examples such as Bigcock, Hugecock, Monstercock, Giantcock, Bigoldcock, or Giantcock.
I once in a blue moon if I’m in a store such as HomeDepot I like to wander over to the appliance section and find dishwashers, refrigerators , washing machines etc. Once I’m there I wait milling around aimlessly until no one is around and then I fart into the particular appliance. That way hopefully when the next person opens it to check it out it smells like ass inside.
When it comes to farting I also enjoy walking down the aisle of a store, stopping momentarily, farting, and walking away to an observation point. So then all I have to do is watch different shopper’s reactions when they walk through it. If they’re alone they’re all “what’s that pungent stench?”or if their with other people “Which one of these people I’m with is farting the place up?”
I have the juvenile habit of walking past friends who are sitting so I can fart in their face and ask “So what I have for lunch?!”
I tell people from time to time that I’m a doctor and when they ask what kind of doctor I am I tell them I’m a doctor of doctoring. You’d be fucking surprised how many people never question that statement as it sounds like some odd ass medical shit (and we all know how odd medical shit so lets just fucking admit it).
I have over the years also added a second version of the being a doctor of doctoring or more like a definition as it were. I explain that a doctor of doctoring is an extremely elite specialist who only treats other doctors.

I have been know to call church’s in the area and ask them why they seem to be having such a hard time finding Jesus.
Having some telemarketing experience I will cold call people and ask then to participate in a market research survey. The survey then turns out to be some ridiculous shit like with equally stupid questions. Examples of some such questions: “Have you ever taken part in any kind of spaghetti wrestling, and if yes were the noodles Ramen noodles?!” or “If one in the hand is better than two in the bush how do you feel about this exchange rate?”
I am a fan of hassling pescatarians about eating fish. Pescatarians are and I quote “People who do not eat meat, but they do eat fish.” So what the fuck are they classifying fish as? Fish isn’t a fruit, it isn’t a vegetable or dairy product so what the fuck do they mean?! Fish are living, breathing, breeding creatures with a natural life cycle so if they aren’t meat WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY THEN?!!
I get a kick out of sending take out food from one restaurant and have it delivered to another restaurant. There’s no purpose here other than for fucking laughs. The idea of the confusion and befuddling of staff by sending a Sushi platter to a Mexican restaurant or Indian food to a Italian restaurant is the motivator.

I have shit in inappropriate areas like parking lots, public fountains, people’s front lawns or some other common space area. When I’m confronted for my righteous public pooping I explain I was raised by Wild Animals (the animal changes regularly) and that’s how I learned to shit. That or I explain I’m from a poor ass family in Appalachia who lived in a one room shack so we were raised to just shit outside.
I used to call 411 and ask irrelevant questions like “Why does my dick look like a pickle its all green and bumpy?!”
I have on occasion called PetSmart or PetCo’s grooming department as a possible new client inquiring about their shrives and prices. I then ask them how much would it cost for my Bearded Dragon a haircut.
I’ve called random New Yorkers and asked why so they such bad insomnia in Ny since NY is the city that never sleeps?!
Occasionally I will go into fast food restaurant restrooms, go into one of the stalls, kneel down (have to make it realistic people!), and start making horribly violent vomiting sounds.
A couple of times I called Catholic churches pretending to be a Child Abuse/Anti-Pedophilia Charity soliciting donations.
I frequently punch packaged meat in grocery stores while yelling “ADRIAN!!”
I once called an abortion clinic to inquire about aborting my older brother.
I have told (and tried to convince) people I was born I believed myself into existence.

I like to call Law Firms/ Lawyers and to inquire about filing a restraining order on the grounds of sexual harassment against myself since I’m self employed.
I take one of those DNA or Ancestry tests and when the results finally arrive I harass customer service over the fact the test failed to prove my relation to Bigfoot.
I enjoy insisting to people that if latin is a dead language than anyone who still uses it (like doctors or lawyers for example) is in fact dead.
Several times I have gone to the zoo for the sole purpose of flinging my feces at the monkeys.
When bored I indulge in my favorite hobby: Douche Spotting.
I have demanded to know from soccer moms why there aren’t any other sports moms like Baseball moms and all that shit?!
I once stood outside of a sperm bank offering people going in free samples of my sperm.
A few times I have gone to sex anonymous meeting and handed out condoms, lube, and Lithuanian Viagra.

One of my personal favorite things to do when I get bored is probably the easiest (and shall well say “less objectionable” selections on this list). Step One I briskly walk up to strangers with my hand up with pointer finger fully extended. Step 2 When I reach then I look in their eyes and squint as if I recognize them, but can’t remember their name. Step 3 I open my mouth as if I’m about to say something. Step 4 abruptly I close my mouth, look away, lower my hand, and briskly walk off. Now some people may be tempted to add an addition intro phrase such as “Excuse Me….” or “I just noticed….” this is fucking stupid because the point is too leave the person confused as fuck. Once you have walked off you want the said person to wonder who you were and more over what the hell were you about to say to them. The addition of words defeats the point so yeah there’s that.
I tend to when I get bored go to a local food store or grocery and create a godawful fucking scene by openly debating (to the point of rage) what the difference is between a Burrito and a Chimichanga is.
I get a kick out of telling fellow bar patrons that my favorite specialty drink I ever had was The Pale of Champale at_____ (Insert fictional place of choice), and then explain it’s a pale like you’d see at your garden variety hardware store filled to the brim with Champale.
Once in a while when I get bored I make a scene in public trying to literally kiss my own ass goodbye after just receiving some serious bad news from my doctor.

Quite often I go to my local gym and sit around eating the most unhealthy fatty food that couldn’t possible have another calorie added to it. When the gym rats and regulars get all bent out of shape about it. When they approach me about why I’m there I can tell them I’m an amateur sumo wrestler, and that I’m in training for the next Olympics because if I win a medal I can go pro.
Once many moons ago when I got bored I poured a shot of some rank cheap as bottom barrel bourbon, gargled with it, and then spit it out. I them poured beer into my hand and rubbed it through my hair and beard. Then for good measure I dribbled some beer down the front of my shirt. Next I drove around town until I saw a cop at which point I start to drive erratically until they pull me over. They get one wife of the booze and yank my ass out of the car for a sobriety test which I pass with flying fucking colors mind you. The cop will gets twisted because he/she can’t understand what the hell is happening. They will inevitable ask why you wreck of alcohol but are as sober as a goddamn judge. That when I replied “Well I’m tonight’s designated distraction.” WARNING: if the cop is an unforgiving prick you can be ticked or even taken into custody for this SO DO NOT TRY THIS ANYWHERE AT ANYTIME. THERE I LEGALLY COVERED MY ASS!

I call an import/export company and export some random shit. Then I call back the next day and hire them to specifically import everyone of the exports I sent out the pervious day.
I have been known when I get bored to call local businesses (especially malls) who have signs stating that pets aren’t allowed accept for seeing eye dogs, and ask them who the signs are for?! I then point out that the blind person in question can’t see nor read the sign because they are fucking blind. Meanwhile the seeing eye dog can’t read the sign so maybe a fucking sign falls a little fucking short of effective.
I make up absurd historical facts and attempt to convince them its true. For example the crock pot was derived from the ancient crotch pot. The crotch pot was a small clay jar that people kept between their legs for 12 -16 hours to heat the food contained within. To sell this one you can site the fact that Ancient Mongolian Warriors would take a piece of raw meat, stick it between the horse and the saddle to “cook” it. Then just google it and use it as an example of primitive cooking methods.
I hangout at local dog parks posing as a parks department employee who has been hired by the city to scoop the dog poop at the dog park. The reason the position was created was due to the increasing incidents of people getting in fist fights with other dog owners who use the park, but don’t pick up after their fucking dog. After I explain the position I then inform whomever I’m speaking with that while I’m a official parks employee I work for tips due to department budget cuts.

If I get bored on vacation I just load up a bunch of scuba diving gear and other aquatic gadgets and head to the nearest lake. I then get in the water and start to act like a bonafide lunatic setting ups ll kinds of weird camera apparatus and drawing a lot of attention. That way when the people around me work up the courage/nerve to inquire as to what the hell I’m up to I tell them I’m hunting the Lock Ness Monster. When they point out that I’m not at Loch Ness the lake where the Loch Ness monster is alleged to reside I claim that the Loch Ness Monster has a distinct migratory pattern. It uses this unique migration pattern to migrate from lake to lake around the world to avoid detection. This is why no one has been able to find or present any evidence of the Loch Ness monster’s existence.
I am found of logging onto dating websites so I can brag that I’m depended from a long historical line of bathroom attendants.

I think that’s enough for now so…

See you later,

by Justine Sane

I’ve Seen Some Stupid Shit But This Is A New One

This Story Starts a Short While before the 2020 Election when it was Revving Up to be the Total Post Election Shit Show it is Currently. One Day I had to Run a Mundane Errand that required that I Drive over to a Near by Neighboring Town. This is a frequent Side Effect of Living in a Town So Small it Only has one Single Traffic Light is it Requires that You Travel for a wide Variety of Reasons. The Main Reason being in a Small Town You have Limited Choices (and Certain Product Availability) so Traveling to a More Populated Area becomes Part of the Chore.

This Particular Drive is Quite Scenic as it Runs Through a Mix of Pine Forrests and Farming Fields with the Odd Small House/ Mobile Home sprinkled in Here and There. The Road as one might Imagine Qualifies as the Road Less Taken since You can Drive Miles before seeing Even One Other Car on the Road. Around the Midway Point of the Journey on the right side of the Road Across from a Empty Farmer’s Field is what appears at first to be a Viable Side Street or Road if You will. It is in fact The Top of someone’s Driveway You Can’t actually see the House from the Road because it’s Hidden in a You Guessed it One Forrest. What You can See is that approximately a Quarter Mile down this Long ass Driveway is a Large Cast Iron Gate Blocking. There’s 10 Foot Brown Stone Walls on Either Side of the Gate that Start about Ten Feet High and Taper off toward the Ground. I have No Idea what the Aesthetic Brown Stones are because I’m not a fucking Geologist, but They Look Halfway Decent.

Now as I Mentioned this was in the Pre 2020 Election and America was in a Chaotic Frenzy. Well on this particular Day as I drove by I Noticed the Residents had Placed 25-30 Elect Trump Yard Signs about Four Feet Apart Down both sides of their Driveway. It was Overkill in Every Sense of the Word. Now We Fast Forward the Election is Over, Biden has Been Certified by the Electoral Collage, and its been a Month and a Half Past Election Night. So the Next Time I had to had to Run an Errand Out that Way it was No Real Surprise that the Elect Trump 2020 Yard Signs had been Removed. Now on the Way into Town I Noticed a Excessively Large Banner Displayed at the Top of the Same Property where the Elect Trump 2020 signs had Previously been. I noticed it too Late to see what it Said, but I decided that right then and there that on the Way Back I would Most Definitely Find out what this Banner was all About.

On the Way Back I made sure to Slow Down (which is Easy to do on a Road with Virtually no Traffic as I mention Earlier) so I could take in the Banner in its Entirety and What I saw I found Absolutely Dumbfounding. At the Top Half of the Banner on a Dark Navy Background it Said in Big Block Letter in all Caps “TRUMP SIGN THIEVES” and there was a Phone Number displayed Under it also in Big Ass Font. The Bottom Half consisted of 3 Pictures of Three Different Cars of the Suspected Sign Thieves Vehicles, but We’ll get back to that in a Minute. It was Painfully and Blatantly Obvious that the Home Owner was 1. Die Hard Trump Supporter 2. Was Pissed as Hell about Their Elect Trump 2020 Yard Signs being Stolen. What I want to Know is What the fuck do Does the Home Owner Expect to Happen pertaining to The Stolen Yard Sign Banner?

I First thought to Myself Seriously How fucking Stupid since Yard Signs Run an Average of 97 Cents to Custom Make so This Person was Out a Whopping $48.50. This is Horribly Ironic since this Banner They had made cost Them a Couple Hundred Dollars so that 3-4 times as Much as the Cost of the Yard Signs. I just figure Out if You’re Pissed about being Out $50 Why the Hell would You then Invest a Couple Hundred in an Additional Banner? I may be Shitty at Math but Even I can tell You That Doesn’t Add Up. The Only Possibly Reason I could Muster was The Home Owner Truly Believed that the Stolen Yard Sign Banner would in deed Pay Off in the End. Still the Question Remained What was the Intention of the Home Owner since They are having a rather Extreme Reaction to the Theft of Their Shitty Elect Trump 2020 Year Signs?

This is My Hypothesis on this Oddly Absurd Situation. Once the Home Owner Saw the Signs were Stolen the Enraged Idiot(s) called the fucking Local Police and Reported it. The Cops basically Blew the Hoe Owner Off due to the Ridiculous Nature of the So Called Offense. Then the Pissed Off Assholes decided They would have to take Matter into Their Own Hands with Their Bizarre Brand of Vigilante Justice. They then had to Spend some Time coming up with a Course of Action and in The End They settled on Big Ass Bullshit Banner. Next They had to go to a Graphics Shop and have the Banner made and again Pay a Few Hundred Dollars for it. After that They returned Home and Erected the Batshit Banner at the Top of Their Driveway, and I assume are Still Waiting for the Banner to yield Results.

At this Point I’d like to Readdress the 3 Large Blown Up Pictures of the Alleged Sign Thieves Vehicles. The First Thing I’d like to Address is the Fact that These Pictures are so Shitty and Off Point its fucking Mind Boggling. What I mean is all Three Picture are Utterly Useless since NO INFORMATION can be deduced from Them. You See Each Picture Failed to Catch the Car’s License Plate which is in the Second Chapter of “The Big Book of Duh”. Since all the Photos are Shot at Insanely Strange Angles You also have No Chance to possible See the Driver or Anyone Else Who Might be in the Car. For all Intents and Purposes the Pics look like they were taken by a Drone that was being Operated by The Clueless Village Idiot. I say this because Not Only all the Car Photos Void of Any Pertinent Information Whatsoever the Picture seem to have been taken From Above at Random Angles. It’s Almost as if the Camera was Basically Shooting Down from Above the Cars.

Not to Mention the Fact The Home Owner had Photos (as Shitty as They Were) actually had Photos since where the fuck was the Camera Located in the First Place? With a Vast and Empty FArmer’s Field across the Road from the Property there is No Where to Attach any Type of Camera since Theres Literally Nothing to Attach it too. This Must Mean the Camera would have to have Been Mounted on the Same side of the Street as the Home Owner’s Property. The Issue there is again Where was the Camera Located? My Wife Theorized the Pictures were Caught by a Security Camera at the Gate. The Problem with that is as I said the Gate is a Quarter Mile Down from the Road, and since the Yard Signs were running down the Sides of the Main Road the Camera couldn’t see Shit to take a Picture.

The Next Option would have been the Most Likely in Most Cases. We live in a Rural ass Area where Hunting and Fishing are as Big as Professional Sports, and Most Hunters Use Motion Activated Trail Cameras to Surveil Perspective Hunting Territory for Game. Thus it would make the Most Sense if Someone mounted a Trail Camera or Perhaps Several to the Pine Trees that Comprise the Forrest on the Home Owner’s Property. The Only Problem with the Stolen Sign Situation is a Trail Camera Would Have to be Mounted at the Same Hight as the Cars, and Not 15 feet up the Trunk of the Tree since its Motion Activated (and You’d want to Photograph Cars Not Birds Flying in the Distance). Thats How I came to the Only Reason I could Think of which is it was a Drone Camera but Who fucking Knows.

As for the Intent of the Banner I am Equally as Clueless as I still can’t Deduct what the fuck the Home Owner thinks is going to Happen as a Result of Their Banner? The Police aren’t going to be of any Assistance due to it being No Where Near a Priority, and The Only Evidence is the Three aforementioned Crappy Photos a 3 Cars that contain Nothing of Value as far as Information. So is the Home Owner Honestly expecting that some Stranger Driving down the Main Road Outside of their Property, See the Banner, and Somehow be Able to Identify One of the Cars. This is Already a Never Going to Happen Hell or High Water Situation, but I’ll Play Devil’s Advocate for the Sake of Argument.

Let’s Say Someone did see the Banner and All That the Home Owner is Banking on that Person Giving as Big as a Shit about the Stolen Signs as the Owner. The Stranger would have to be Equally as Enraged over a Case of Stolen Yard Signs to even Give a Shit. If it were Me and I saw the Banner and Actually Knew One of the Cars (“Oh Shit Thats Phil’s Car!”) the Next time I saw the Car Owner I’d tell Him how Hilarious I find the Whole thing and Way to Go. Point Being the Last damn thing I’d do is call the Number on the Sign I simply wouldn’t Say Shit. Lastly even if the Home Owner found Out Who the Cars Belong To fuck are They Going to Do? There’s really No Legal Recourse (just ask the Cops who were annoyed by the Reporting of this Piddly Shit) so They could Only do One of Two Things.

Option One is to Tell Everyone around since Word Travels fast in a Small Town where Everybody Knows Everybody. This would be to Call the Culprit Out and Publicly Shame Them in the Eyes of Their Friends, Family, and Community (Most of Which are Avid Church Goers so “Thou Shall Not Steal’). I also Suppose in this Day and Age They could do the Same by Talking Shit on Social Media to Vent as well as Call Out the Guilty Party. If the Home Owner is a real Dicks They could Go Over to the Alleged Guilty Person’s Residence and Address the Matter Face to Face. This would Not be a Safe Decision since the Home Owner Would Either End Up In Jail for Showing Up and Acting like a World Class Asshole or For Killing the Supposedly Guilty Person. That or They End up Getting Shot, Beaten to a Bloody Pulp or Killed Themselves. Anyway You Slice it it Always Ends Badly for the Idiotic Home Owner. So the Question Remains the Same: What the Fuck is the Point?

Besides it being an Utter Absurdity of the Situation I’m just Relieved it s something Entertaining instead of Asinine. I mean at Least it wasn’t a Situation like This Old Cranky Bastard that Lives in My Neighborhood Who is Still Flying His Elect Trump Flag like an Absolute Asshole.

Thanks For Reading,

By Les Sober

Criminals OR Cowards Which One Are The Police?!

The Police as Started as an Racist Anti-African American Organization and has Evolved over the Decades into a Full Blown fucking Criminal Organization. There are Far too many Problems to Address all at Once as it Would Take Forever and a Day to Cover them All. The True Root of the Issue is while Citizens are Trained Basically from Birth to Inherently Trust the Police No Matter what, and Meanwhile the Police are Trained from Day One at the Academy NOT to Trust You in the Least. If You listen to any Recording of a Police Academy Class the Common Theme is The Instructor paints America as some Lawless Post Apocalyptic Max Max Wild West Wasteland. Not Only that but They Instill a Permanent and Lasting Fear in the Police Officers in Training that Everyone is a Killer, You can Be Killed at Any Point, and Everyone is Armed to the Teeth (One of the Downsides of the Second Amendment).

The Other Chief contributing Factor to Shitty Relations between Cops and Citizens happen Many Year Ago. Back then the Police had a Supply and Demand Problem as there was an Increasing Demand for Police Officers, but the Number of New Cadets at the Police Academies was Minimal. Simple at that point in Time the Number of People interested in Becoming Cops was Severely Lacking. Stuck between the Preverbal Rock and a Hard Place the Police had Only one Real Viable Option, and that was to Significantly Lower the Police Entrance Tests. They basically Lowered Their Standards to get More Cops on the Street in Spite of the Fact They were Recruiting and Training Individuals that They Normally would NEVER Allow to be Cops. The Main Problem was the again Significant Lowering of the Entrance Psychological Evolution (I think We can all Agree an Insane Sadistic Fuck shouldn’t have a fucking Gun).

Now Among the Endless Myriad of Issues between the Police and the Public that I am going to Elaborate on is the Hypocrisy of How the Police Deal with Peaceful Protesters. This Problem Dates back to the 50’s and 60’s with the Civil Rights Movement and The Anti-Vietnam War Groups. It didn’t matter if You were and African American or an Idealistic Hippy the Police Treated every Protester the same Brutally. Thats Right the same fucking People that Cops are SWORN to Protect and Serve where the same fucking People They were Abusing, Beating, and Arresting. And for what I ask You? For utilizing Their Right to Peaceful Assembly to Protest the Ills of a Sick Society. It’s a Slap in the fucking Face to The First Amendment The Freedom of Speech. Never has this Hypocrisy been made More Abundantly Clear then with the Black Lives Matter Movement in 2020.

Black Lives Matter were Wide Spread Peaceful Protests against Police Brutality and Systemic Racism that Spread from Country to Country. taking it to a Global Level.Unfortunately it’s No Secret that Police Abuse, Exploit, and Kill African Americans at a More than Alarming Rate, and its been that Way ever since the Earliest Days of The Police. It has gotten so fuckng Bad that at this Point in 2020 Police aren’t just Shooting African Americans at an Insanely Increasing Rate, But in Today’s Times They’re Straight Up Murdering Them seemingly at Will. An Accompanying Issue is that it’s also No Secret that the Laws Don’t Apply to the Police the Same as for Your Average Citizen. The Police Badge is Essentially a License to Kill to Begin with Then the Police have Ultimate Immunity with the phrase “I was afraid for My Life.” This enabled a Police Officer to Shoot and Kill Someone, and then Get Off Scot Free just by Simply Saying “I was Afraid for My Life.” and on those grounds No Court would Ever Really Convict a Cop. Anyway back to the Point.

So to Recap right Quick Black Lives Matter Protests went Global as the World United behind a Common Cause in an Attempt to make a Change. These Protests were held in all 50 States, and Received a Phenomenal amount of News Coverage both through the Traditional Media as well as Social Media. Aside from the Odd Man Out Assholes the BLM Protests where in Large Completely Peaceful that was until the Police Arrived. Then All Hell Broke Loose as Chaos Erupted in the Streets. If You want to know Who Came looking for a Riot Look at Who Came Prepared for One. The Scene always Played Out the Same fucking Way like fucking Clockwork. The Protesters would Assemble, the Protest would Begin, and then The Police would Arrive in Full Blown Riot/SWAT Gear in Armored Vehicles Armed to the fucking Teeth. The Police Dressed in Paramilitary Gear would Form a Human Barricade to Block the Protesters from Advancing, and would Remain in this Formation for a Time.

Inevitably Though the Police would at Some Point start to Advance on the Protesters slowly walking towards Them Shields Up and Night Sticks at the Ready. Then in a Split Second (if that) the Police would Launch Their Utterly Unprovoked Offensive Literally Attacking the Protesters, and Escalating The Level of Their Extremely Violent Response to a Peaceful Protest Situation. The Next thing Anyone Knew The Cops were Beating Protesters with Night Sticks, Throwing People to the Ground (and then Beating them), Bombing the Protesters with Canisters of Tear Gassing, Firing Rubber Bullets at Protesters, and Tasering Protesters again TOTALLY UNPROVOKED. It got so Intensely fucked up that at One Point You had Men in Military Uniforms without Identification Grabbing Protesters at Random. They then would Toss the Protester(s) into an Unmarked Black SUV that would then Speed Off Somewhere and God Knows what the fuck happened AFter that or What the Hell became of those Detained Protesters in the End.

The Scene that summed it up for Me personally was the Footage of a Old Man in His Early 70’s Started to Approach a Police Officer as a Sizeable Group of Cops Marched down the Street. The Old Man had an Innocent Enough Question He wanted to ask the Cop but the Cop Strong Arms the Old Man Knocking Him Flat on His Back. When the Old Man was Shoved Over He was Standing on the Sidewalk so when He fell the Back of His Head Slammed into the Concrete and Busted Open. As the Old Man Lay on His back Bleeding from the Head Totally Helpless and in Need of Immediate Medical Care EVER SINGLE COP in the Group of Approximately 25-30 Police Officers walked Past Him and DIDN’T DO A GODDAMN THING. They just Left Him Lying there without a fucking Care in the World. Now I ask You How/Why the fuck would or Should Anyone ever Trust a fucking Cop when in Fact They should be fucking afraid of Them. I’m Sorry to say but it’s Beginning to Look like All My Heroes are Cop Killers, and That’s Ultimately Tragic Unto Itself.

Meanwhile it was a Completely Different fucking Story when MAGA Extremists, Diehard Trump Supporters, Racist Groups/Organizations, or Pro Trump Militias came to Town. Whenever these Either Racist Thugs like the Proud Boys (Pissy Bitches is More like It) or The Wannabe Tough Guy MAGAs/Trump Supporters it’s Always the Same Old Song. MAGA/Trump Supporters Dressed HEad to Toe in Camo and Sporting Combat Boots (as Well as whatever else They can Pick Up at Their Local Army Surplus Store) like Larping GI Joes wondering the Streets while Brandishing a Wide Variety of Guns. When these Motherfuckers show up somewhere to Start Fights/ Physically Attack People like the Racist Cowards or Stroll Around Town Even without Open Carry Laws carrying Assault Weapons and Shit.

The Most Outrageous Example of This is When a Bunch of these Play Soldiers Stormed a Government Building and Heavily Armed (and that would be an Understatement) completely Unobstructed. No One Tried to Stop Them even though Bringing Any Weapon into a fucking Federal Building is fucking Federal Crime. Right There is My Point during all the Illegal and Violent Shit Perpetrated by The Racist Scumfuckers or MAGA/Trump Supporter Pieces of Shit THERE WAS NEVER A SINGLE COP TO BE FOUND. I Never Saw a single Cop Not a One in ANY of the Footage from these Type of Events. No Armored Vehicles, Tear Gas, Rubber Bullets, Night Sticks, or Tasers Anywhere. The SWAT Team Never Came Storming In Nor the Droves of Cops in Riot Gear that Blocked Streets and Attacked the Peaceful Protesters. Forget Protect and Serve these Police Officers didn’t even Show the fuck Up.

So Where Exactly were all the Cops when all this bullshit went Down ? Well there Three Possible Answers to that Question. The First Answer is the Cops are fucking Violent, Rage Filled, Mental Unfit, Corrupt, Racist, Abusive, Anti-Semetic, Homophobic, Mindless Thugs who get Off on Abusing Their Power. The Bottomline is this means that The Cops are The Criminals Plain and Simple. The Second is that the Police are Lowly Cowards who in the Face of Actual Real Danger Run and Hide down at the Police Station like a Bunch of Scarred Little Bitches. This Means the Cops are Spineless and Gutless Cowards that make Themselves feel like Macho Men by Brutalizing Peaceful Protesters, But in Reality are Terrified of Anyone Posing Real Danger so They Piss Their Pants and make Themselves Scarious. Lastly is the Third Answer which I believe to be the Correct One which is the Answer is BOTH. I believe that Cops are Both Sleazy fucking Criminals and are World Class Cowards, but you can make up Your Own Mind.

Thanks For Reading,

By Les Sober (Pt2:23Am)

November 7th, 2020 The Day America Saved Its Own Ass

I don’t Comment on Much or Really Anything about the World Outside of FYB on FYB and there’s a Couple Good Reasons Why. First Off FYB is a World Unto Itself, and Should Not be fucked over by the Bullshit in Real Life as FYB Provides well needed Escapism. The Second is one of the Wisest things Anyone Ever fucking Told Me which is “Three things You should’t discuss with Other People about Money, Politics, or Religion.”, and I will never forget it to the Day I Depart this Planet. Money is a relatively New Addition to the List of Topics, but as for the Latter Two it’s Old News. The Reason for Avoiding said Topics is They Both can Turn a Relaxed and Pleasant Conversation into a UnHoly Shitshow in a Matter of a few Seconds.

With that Said I Honestly Feel at this Particular Point in American History I Want to, Need to, and Must go on the Record. Four Years Ago in 2016 when a Certain Orange Shit Gibbon Stole the American Election the Country and the Entire World knew things were going to Get Really fucked up, But No One Knew to what Extent. Well its pretty fucking Safe to Say that the Increasing Nightmare in America was Far More Fucked Up than even the Most Pessimistic Pessimist could have Predicted. The World watched On in Shock and Awe as They watched a Once Proud Nation Slip Further and Further into a Fascist Ruled Poverty Ridden Police State. I’ll say it America was Headed Straight Towards the First American Dictator with The Orange Asshole in Office. America Long Standing Issues of Wealth Inequality, Party over Country, Racism, Oppression of Women Rights, Homophobia, Anti-Semitism, and an Unchecked Level of Ignorant and Uneducated People Rise to a Unthought Level of Pure Hate Driven Destruction.

The Orange Anti-Christ was Only Out for Himself, and the Pay Day of Being President, from Day One He Only Served Himself. As far as Everyone Else as Far as His Fat Orange Ass was Concerned Fuck Them All. He Lied over 20, 000 Documented Times, He Uses Social Media to Lie and Spread Propaganda/Misinformation/Conspiracy Theories, He was IMPEACHED for Attempting to Commit Treason by using a Foreign Country to Interfere in a American Election, He Alone (Not Including His Administration of Assembled World Class Abominable Assholes, and His Ass Kissing Associates) has had over 100 Scandals Ranging from Pedophilia to 27 Charges of Rape to Promoting Racism/Racist Organizations or Groups to Tax Fraud to Committing Treason in 2016 and trying again in 2020.

The Orange Asshat did Everything He could to Divide Americans turning The People Against Themselves. Meanwhile He and His Corrupt Party of Complict Traitors and Army of Ass Kissing Sycophants could Grab Fist Fulls s of Dirty Dollars and Lust for More and More Power. The Orange Assclown was the Actual Human Equivalent to fucking Cancer. Everything He touched or Associated with turned to Total Unadulterated Shit. He Personifies what is referred to as a “Shit Person”.

Then After Four Long and Insanely Dark Years the Orange Emperor of Assholes Illegitimate Presidency was Threatened with Termination of a Second Term by the 2020 Presidential Election. Now the Orange Anal Fisher had a Particular Problem being the “Boy Who Cried Wolf” Syndrome. The Obese Orange Bastard had been Caught Habitually Lying to the Point it His Lies were Loosing Their Power to Manipulate the Masses. So the Evil Orange Asshole amped up His Cult Base of The Shittiest People on the fucking Planet (Racists, Evangelicals, Pedophiles, Crooks, Liars, Thieves, Sex Offenders, Drunken Wife Beaters, Uneducated White Trash, Homophobes, AntiSemites etc.) to New Heights of Hellacious Havoc. He became so Desperate He and His Piece of Shit Party tried and Spouted all the fucking bullshit They could come up with. Not to Mention as They made Allegation after Allegation to Date all have been TOTALLY UNFOUNDED and Utterly fucking FALSE. The Shit They Babbled on about became Increasingly Bizarre and Absurd to the Point it was a fucking Joke even Alienating His Own Supporters. The Orange Anus’s Legacy (like His Entire Life is One) is One Ongoing Full Blown FAILURE.

Inevitably the Outrageous Orange Assface Ranted, Raved and Raged to No Avail, and Lost His Re-Election Campaign to a True Leader. Unfortunately since We are Dealing with The Orange Ass Implant We are still having to Tolerate a Tremendous Amount of Sore Loser Bullshit and Complete Conspiracies along again with ENDLESS LIES. The Orange Idiotic Asshole is a Minuscule Minded 74 year Old Toddler Who Lied and Lost the Election and now is having a Full On Temper Tantrum like an Enraged Tween. Along with the Asinine Antics of the Orange Rectal Tumor We also have to Endure the same Line of Shit from the Few Remaining Political Cronies Towing the Line of Elections Lies trying to Overturn the Entire Election the Traitorous Titfucks. They all should be Fired, Arrested, Tried for Treason for Their Revolting Perversions of/in Politics and Fucking Over the People They were Meant to Serve, and Locked Up for the Rest of Their Shit Eating Lives.

Now if that wasn’t Enough fucking Insult to Injury after the Last Four Years of Hellishness We also have to Account for the Orange Assbag’s Shitty Supporter Cult Base. They like Their Lame ass Loser Leader are Pitching Fits like Theres No fucking Tomorrow especially Thanks to Social Media among other things. These are the Same Sacks of Shit that in 2016 Gloated to the Ends of the fucking Earth when the Orange Anus Itch Stole the Election (Thanks to Russian Interference Lead by Vlady Putin), AND Talked Mad Shit to Anyone Who didn’t Support Their Detrimental Dipshit of a So called Leader. They ran around Starting Shit as Much as They Possibly Could because They Felt Empowered by the Orange Assfuck to be the Actual Scumbag Shitfuckers They are. So to all those Orange Asshole Supporters still out there tell Me if this Sounds Familiar “FUCK YOUR FEELINGS!”

To All the Orange Asshole’s Supporters who said if He lost They’d Leave America then GET THE FUCK OUT ALREADY YOUR FUCKING SORE LOSERS. To the Shitty Supporters who said They’d take to the Streets and Incite all kinds of Violence WHERE YOU HIDING YOU FAKE TOUGH GUYS? To The Racist Groups who backed the Orange Ass Suck WHERE ARE YOU NOW that Your Leader has FALLEN. To all the Evangelicals that said if the Orange Asshole Lost God would Abandon Humanity and all that Bible Beating Bullshit LOOKS LIKE GOD DOESN’T AGREE WITH OR LIKE YOUR FAKE CHRISTIAN ASSES. To all the Orange Asshole Militia Motherfuckers who Claimed They’d take Back America if He Lost WE HAVE THE ACTUAL MILITARY WITH REAL SOLDIERS YOU WANNBE GI JOE JOKERS. We all now have The Proof of what We knew All Along just like the Orange Anal Abortion His Shitty Supporters are All Bark and No Bite, They’re all Talk because in Actuality They are Scared little Punkass Cowards. My Advice to the Orange Asshat’s Supporters Grow a Spine and Shove it Up Your Ass.

Thank Fuck those Dark Days are Slowly Dying Away as America does What America Does. We get Complacent and Forget the Events from the Past/History that We have had to Endure then All Hell Breaks Loose, and America has to Suffer until The Citizens put Their Personal Bullshit Aside, Unite, and Triumph over Adversity. America has a New Honest, Competent, Positive, Educated, Experienced, Compassionate NEW LEADER to Help America Rise like a Phenix Once Agin from the Ashes of Chaos, and to Return to Glory Stronger than Ever Before. In the End the Revolting Orange Asshole and His Administration of Assholes will Fall, They will be Removed by Force if Necessary, and They will Pay for all Their Sleazy Dealings/Crimes. Truth has Beaten Tyranny the Wannabe Dictator is Done, and Finally after Four Years American can begin down the Long Road to Recovery and Prosperity.

P.S. FUCK TRUMP.

Thanks For Reading,

By Les Sober

College Writing Class and The GG Allin Incident

It was the First Day of My Creative Writing Class My Freshman Year of College and the Professor Passed out one of those “Getting to Know You” Work Sheets. I understand the Point, but I have to wonder How Many Teachers/Professors Actually give a shit enough to Read Them. Since this was a Creative Writing Class this particular Questionnaire had all the Stereotypical Questions One might Expect for a Writing Class. All the Questions were Absolutely Cliche like “Why do You Like Writing?”, “Why Did You Choose to take this Class?, and “Who’s Your Favorite Writer?

I was slowly and quite begrudgingly filling out the Questionnaire while thinking to myself what a fucking waste of Time it was, and then I noticed the Last Question. It stood out since it had Nothing to do with Creative Writing whatsoever. The Question was simply “What’s Your Favorite Song?” followed by the Instruction to Add the Musician or Band Who preformed the Song as Well. I couldn’t for the fucking Life of Me figure Out Why this Particular Question was on the Sheet since it seemed really quite Random. All I could come up with in the End was I assumed We were going to Study Lyrics as a Form of Creative writing which it is if You stop and Think about it. You know what They say about Assuming right it makes an Ass out of You and Me and its 100% True as I learned Once Again.

I have to Admit that Up until this Point whenever I was Asked to Fill Out one of these First Day Forms I pulled My Punches. Now before Anyone gets all uppity and Points Out that I frequently say that I DO NOT Pull My Punches I did have a Somewhat Valid Reason. Since I have Extreme Interests (be it Movies, Art, or Music for Example) I was Always Concerned that if I answered Honestly that it would inevitably come back to Haunt Me. What I mean I didn’t want the Teacher to Read My Answers and think to Themselves “This Kid could be Problematic”or “I better Keep an Eye on That One He could be Trouble.”, or “Judging by these answers the Kid must be a Serious Slacker.” or Anything Remotely Negative. Ironically I didn’t want Them to Assume Shit about Me especially Based on some Stupid First Day of Class Questionnaire.

This Time though I decided that this wasn’t bullshit High School anymore this was fucking College, and for the First Time I’d answer the Questionnaire Honestly without Sugar Coating Shit. At that Point in My Life I was really into GG Allin (and I still am), and My Favorite Song by Him was “Bite It You Scum!” which is an Extremely Defiant Anti- Authority Anthem if there Ever was One. I figured it wouldn’t amount to shit anyway since I believed that at Best the Teacher/Professor skinned them quickly and then put them in some fucking Drawer where They wouldn’t see the Light of Day. Feeling Righteous as Humanly Possible I wrote My Answer, and that was that or so I thought.

As it Turned Out this Professor did in Fact Read the Answers written by Her Students, But that’s just the Beginning as I found out. Unbeknownst to the Class She not only Read the Answers She tracked Down Each Song, and before Class Once Everyone was Present and before Class actually Started She’d Play One. Now She would never disclose Who’s Favorite Song it was that was being Played that Day and I certainly Appreciated the Anonymity of it all. I also figured that once She read the Song Titled She’d decide to Skip Me altogether and Who Could Blame Her. GG Allin is Not what You’d call Family Friendly as its filled with Obscenities, Vulgarities, Delt with Sex and Drug Use, Anti-Authority, and a Healthy Dose of Violence. If by some chance of Divine Intervention She had decided to Hunt Down a Copy of the Song as Soon as She Heard it She’d throw My Questionnaire immediately into the fucking Garbage (Again I couldn’t Blame Her for thinking the Song was Highly Inappropriate). I took solace in the Fact that at least I answered Honestly and Bottomline was that’s all that Mattered to Me.

The Class Progressed from there Uneventfully We came to Class, Listen to a Song, Had Class, and Went Home to do whatever Assignment We had been given. We Studied Diligently for Tests, did Our Best on Pop Quizzes, and Labored Endless Hours on Our Mandatory Presentations (The Presentations were 10-12 minutes Long and Chronicled the Life and Work of an Author of Our Choice). Then We hit the Halfway Point and We were faced with the Dreaded Midterms. The Midterms were a Serious Game Changer as the Professor would see How well We were handling the Class. I mean You can Bullshit Your way Through a Test/Quiz You may Not have properly prepared for if You have to, But the Midterms were No fucking Joke. I did My part and Studied My ass Off for the Midterm and it was a Thankless Grind of Author’s Names and Works, Subject of Multiple Books, and Pertinent Dates/Events in the Author’s Lives along with more Personal Biographical Information.

Finally the Day of the Midterm was Here it was Now or fucking Never. I got to Class early since being Late for a Midterm was Frowned Upon and would get You into some Pretty Deep Shit with the Professor. I sat at My Desk and tried like hell to Calm My Racing Mind and Quell My Fears of Failing for what seemed like a fucking Lifetime and Then it Happened. I was in My Pre Midterm Meditation when all of a Sudden to My Great Surprise I heard the Opening Chords of GG Allin’s Song “Bite It You Scum” and Almost Fell on the fucking Floor Out of fucking Shock. I couldn’t believe the Professor had Found the Song, Listened to It, and then Deemed it Alright to Play before Class. I was also Impressed that She had managed to Locate a Earlier Recording before GG’s Voice was Destroyed By Booze, Drugs, and Non Stop Screaming/Yelling (in the Last Years of His Life GG sounded like He had just Gargled Broken Glass before Singing).

I am just as Amazed Today as I was Then by these Series of Events, and have a Great Deal of Admiration and Respect for My Creative Writing Professor. To Her Credit at the End the Song being an Earlier Recording Ended in a Haze of Distorted Guitar while GG Ad-libbed with a Bunch of Profanity Laden Babble. The End line of this Rendition GG Blurts Out “You Fucking Pig! You Fucking Whore!” at which Point the Professor Quipped “Oh My” and Shut the Song Off. Again I couldn’t Blame Her and I was just Impressed She played it Period. As a Result of these Events I will Never Forget My College Freshman Creative Writing Class until the Day I Die.

Thanks For Reading,

By Les Sober

WITHDRAWALS OF THE MISUNDERSTOOD PART 3

Today was really lame. I thought I would be accomplishing a good deal but it turns out that is not what fate had in the cards.

I mean I did happen to take a walk outside for the first time in about a year and did some HIIT for a full 8 minutes. However sadly both were cut short due to wardrobe malfunctions.

The first malfunction was 100% my fault. I did complete 80% of my planned walk. My pants only completed about 50%. Everything is too big. I’m a poor judge of clothing size everything looks elephant like but then it still falls off my fat hippo ass.

The other malfunction, while partially my fault, I can handle easily. Bad battery in heart rate monitor. It felt weird that my HR was 91 the entire workout and then I tried fixing things and it bungled up more than before. Thank god for amazon.l, battery probably just dead.

I ended up smoking again but have a plan for this weekend. Straight up leaving my car at my parents house, doing 3 days of a nicotine patch and then going cold turkey. The coffee while it sometimes makes me sick will be tapered down at that point.

There was going to be a story about a former therapist however after further review I will not get into it. Instant replay has confirmed that she is/was a Karen.

Ugh…. wasted day. It’s about to be the second night of buttered herbal tea. At least it tastes amazing.

By Spacedog

WITHDRAWALS OF THE MISUNDERSTOOD PART 1

Hey Spacedog here….

It’s been a while. There was not going to originally be a post until next week but I just decided yesterday that enough was enough. What is it that I am coming off of you ask?

Well first off, my absence from here is mostly pandemic related. Out of all the billions of individuals in the world, I am probably in the top 1% of people with insane paranoid reactions. Eventually though I kinda grew to like it. I got to wear a mask so no one would know who I was. I didn’t have to worry if suddenly after 8 years of grand mal seizures today would be the day and I’d go straight into the Delaware River on my way to my doctor’s office. And I didn’t have to have any house guests! I became the Maybelline Girl. Maybe she’s born with it maybe it’s Maybelline! I was born for this.

Anyway….

So I’ve got to say I have been quite a bit off about one thing I have been telling people recently. My sobriety date from alcohol…. I really thought I drank this year. Nope the receipts clearly show November 17, 2019. Not that the difference between that and February 1st really matters much to me. All I know is the last 3 times I drank were rum, beer, and sparkling seltzer in that order. The rum tasted stale so I ended up dumping 4 ozs of a 14 oz bottle. The beer I ended up having to just toss after 5 of 12 because frankly it made me feel beyond shitty. As for the sparkling seltzer it was surprisingly good but actually still made me feel awful afterwards. Most of these manifestations I describe above were physical.

I sorta just quit. I did not need any bells and whistles or pats on the back. I kinda just did it on my own and it was mine and mine alone. No one could brag about how wonderful of a person they were to get me sober (while doing meth on the side, thanks AA Sponsor #6) or how they were so vital to my recovery (Here looking at you Sponsor #4, enjoy the oxys). Frankly I just did not care anymore. I guess I’m at day 275 or 276 or something for those who are counting. Frankly I’m not…..

So what is it I am coming off of right now? It’s nothing sexy or dangerous like meth or heroin or molly or crack or coke. Just some plain old cigarettes and coffee.

I can honestly say I feel entirely better than I thought I would at this point. I am a master at coming off of drugs, but sadly I am a bit rusty. I feel between all the antidepressants, heroin (several times), alcohol, and mood stabilizers I have been in this moment at least 30 different occasions before.

This occasion is really mild. The heroin was the worst by far but only when I was snorting it. I honestly only even got minor withdrawal no matter how much I shot. Alcohol I had about 2 Leaving Las Vegas spells in my 20s, but not really any withdrawal other than that.

The anti-depressants quite honestly to me were the biggest joke as well as the hardest legal drugs I have ever had to come off of. Depakote, lithium, effexor, paxil, prozac, seroquil, serzone. A laundry list of harm to me. Suicidal, emotionless, too much fake joy, sexless, mania, and winner winner chicken dinner homicidal respectively.

I seriously called poison control when it came to the Serzone. I kept thinking of what kind of knives my neighbors had and what it would be like to use them. And my nails look like I applied a bright coat of dark pink nail polish. P Control literally had no idea how to help me with what was going on. I called my friend Seth on the phone a few minutes later and he informed me he was on that garbage and to have some milk. A minute later my nails returned to normal, my thoughts came back shortly after.

Honestly coffee was going to be a battle for next week to give up but as I settled in on my couch at home I smelled the faint scent of flowers. It was mostly roses but maybe some lavender or lilac. I usually get this when my spirit guide is nearby. Anyway so I figured I’d just go to bed. At 6pm.

Then woke up at 130 and started writing this blog. I think I wholeheartedly can say that 1:30AM is a shitty ass time to wake up. I suppose this would be the absolute perfect time to wake up if I were say a rapist. Boom sober, boom bar, boom victim and whatever else rapey people do in between. Spray themselves down with the most vile of scents. I’m sure there are nice smelling rapists but frankly none of my rapists were Glade Scent Stories inspired. Obscure reference I know…. glade scent stories were this little thing that looked like a CD Walkman and you put the CD in and it would through a few scents per CD.

Physically though I’m feeling pretty good all things considered. I was highly disappointed that I was not able to pick out any online courses last evening but if my path is less than 24 hours off I really shouldn’t let myself worry too much. I really am not missing the cigarettes a whole lot especially without that stupid nicotine patch making my arm itch like crazy.

Coffee…. well I’ve just been trying to find any and all negative information. All I know is it comes from a plant and well I am inching oh so close to the Carnivore Diet or something similar. I still haven’t felt right since I juiced kale, zucchini, brocolli and lime. It tasted terrible. Rape victim of the jolly Green Giant terrible. Threw up 30 minutes later and passed out for 2.5 hours after.

So coffee….wheeeeee….. I probably should have tapered off down to 1 cup a day before I quit but I’m always up for a bigger challenge and a better suffering at this point. I’ve been drinking 3-5 cups a day for a few weeks. All this self imposed lockdown, this suffering, this absence of bliss will pay off in spades one day I tell myself.

I just don’t want to be half sober. I feel all of these people out there in Alcoholics Anonymous and all these other recovery programs are the biggest bunch of hypocrites on the planet. They are following around a plan based on 80 years of complete horseshit and pseudoscience. I guess I get it though. Most people are too weak and broken to get better on their own. They never seek their answers within and only rely on outside counsel. They drink coffee like fish, chain smoke like the marlboro man, and eat some of the worst cookies on the planet. Like seriously maybe I hadn’t been to a meeting in a while, but Chips Ahoy?

I see most of these people now for what they truly are. A bunch of dry drunks going around who like to preach to others because it gives them a sense of self importance. My way or the highway they say.

The absolute funniest thing about these people is they will engage you in normal conversation until you mention that you are not in AA. It’s like I single-handedly broke the matrix somehow. Seriously far more people get sober when not in this archaic broken program. The effectiveness is probably somewhere between aspirin between the knees and self baptism in your favorite local polluted body of water. I guess I shouldn’t knock anyone though it’s just frustrating.

I was put on this Earth to help others and sometimes I think the only way I am going to be able to do it is lie my teeth off. Sure I can lie my teeth off if I meet you somewhere by random chance….. like if I needed to come up with a BS story for my Grubhub driver or a grocery store clerk. When it comes to write though I don’t have that luxury. It’s just not in my blood. Brutal honesty or no writing. Only two options here.

But the moral of the story is it is only day 2 and day 1. cigarettes and coffee. It would be nice to be able to honestly just listen in to an AA meeting but I know I am not welcome at any. Well of course I am just not one meeting in particular I went to drunk because my wonderful sponsor #3 thought that Tori Amos concerts were going to somehow involve me shooting meth and going to circuit parties.

man I pick the winners! I seriously hope I don’t pick a husband as poorly one day as these sponsors. My award-winning sponsor picking is literally on par with Larry King and his fantastic wife picking. (I have no idea who any of his wives are, but I just assume if that many people would willing marry someone he either has a giant penis or a giant bank account) .

Gotta pick courses now will post tomorrow if I am not dead already.

By Spacedog

The Tale Of The Lazy Boy Lucifer

I’ve lived out here in the Woods by the Lake for Ongoing 5 Years Now and I have seem some seriously Strange Shit Believe You Me. Now Living this Far Out in the Woods We don’t have certain things that Most People take for Granted such as Street Lights, Sidewalks, Fire Hydrants, City Water, and Trash Pick Up. The Last one is the Real Big Bitch of the Bunch since Not only do You have to Periodically haul Your Regular Household Garbage to the Dump, but Everything Else as Well Such as Old Furniture, Mattresses, Yard Debris and All Other Extraneous Shit.

You do have the Option of Paying for a Private Trash Removal Company to come Each Week and take Your Trash, But since They don’t work for the County You have to Pay Them Out of Pocket for the Service. And if You’re thinking that They might take advantage of the Situation and Exploit the hell out of People for Profit You’d be Absolutely Right. So Needless to say I know of Only one Household around My way that Pays for Trash Pick Up.

Since the Day We first Moved in I had Noticed one of Our Neighbors a few Blocks Down the Road from Us had a rather Odd ongoing Habit. Don’t get Me wrong these are Decent People They aren’tWhite Trash by Any Means They don’t have Cars Lying around Their Property Rusting into fucking Oblivion, There aren’t any Household Appliances on the Porch (like a Washing or Dryer Machine), The Yard is Mowed Regularly so it’s Not Overgrown or Plagued by Weeds, and the House is a Pleasant Looking One Story Brick Ranch with a Relatively New Roof. Thus for All Intents and Purposes it looks so Generic and Normal that on Any Given Day No One would give it a Second Thought. I would fall into this Category Myself if it weren’t for the Fact I noticed (and then became a bit obsessed over) the Chair Phenomenon.

These Particular Neighbors would Randomly without Rhyme or Reason Put a Living Room or Similar Type Chair Outside on Their Front Yard. This again isn’t a just Throw the fucker on the Front Lawn as there is Apparently a Method to this Madness. The Chairs are always placed in the EXACT same spot each and every time without Fail. If Your standing in the Street and Facing the House the Spot is the Lower Left Corner of the Front Yard as Far from the House as Humanly Possible. The Chairs sit just inches from the Actual Road, and in Front of a Natural Privacy Wall of Large Bushes that Separate the Property From the One Next Door.

The Chairs that have been Placed in that Designated Spot over the Years aren’t Junk by a Long Shot. All things Considered as Second Hand Chairs go These Chairs are in Decent to Good Condition they aren’t Beat to Hell, Torn or Ripped, Faded, or Missing Cushions or perhaps a Leg. In Fact they are in better condition than anything one might find at Goodwill or Habitat for Humanity’s Restores. Honestly there been a few Chairs that I actually in all Honesty thought to Myself “Damn if I needed a Chair or Knew someone who did I’d take this Fucker right here.”

There are Never a Sign like FREE, TRASH, or FOR TRASH PICKUP so I just came to assume that if Someone could use it They simply would take it. As time went on if the Chair continues to Sit out in the Sun, Wind, and Rain along with the Local Wildlife as well as Bugs/Insects collecting Dirt and Mildew I figured Someone in the Area would get fed up with Driving past and seeing the Particular Chair Rotting Away, and took it Upon themselves to Dispose of It (a sort of “Well if They aren’t going to do shit I don’t want to have to keep looking at this Eyesore.”).

Again the Different Chairs Sudden Appearance and Subsequent Disappearance Devoid of Any Reason that I can Tell of slowly began to Evolve from Mild Curiosity to Full Blown Full On Fascination. I couldn’t determine Why this Occurrence was Happening or Why it was Occurring. Who has so many Chairs to Discard in the First Place? Not to Mention Where the Hell where these Chairs Ending Up? And Most Important of all the Questions/Factors Who the Hell was Responsible for The Numerous Chairs Eventually Inevitable Disappearance?! So Many Questions and Not a Single Answer or Clue. Left to My Own Devices I slowly began Developing a Theory that Answered All the Questions I had or Possible could have, and here it is.

Generations Ago this Family was Faced with a Curse of Discomfort that was Placed Upon them by an Fellow Neighbor who was Pissed that They weren’t Invited to The Family’s Annual 4th of July Cookout. The Curse Stated that No Matter what a Cursed Family Member Sat Upon be it a Living Room Chair, Couch, Stool/Bar Stool, Loveseat, Bench, Recliner, Chaise Lounge, Hassock, Rocking Chair, Settee, Futon, Daybed, or Bean Bag Chair They Would Never be Able to Get Comfortable until They Day They Died. The Reality of Living Out Their lives with Their Asses in Constant Anguish was Utterly Unbearable to the Family so They started looking for a Way to Dispel the Curse once and for All.

The Family went from Town to Town, City to City, State to State, and Every Lead They managed to Scrounge Up ended up Amounting to Jack Diddly Shit. Dismayed and Deeply Depresses the Family was on the Verge of Abandoning Their Curse Breaking Cause when They came across the Mother Load of Tips. This One Tip Blew all the Other Tips Combined completely out of the fucking Water, and The Family’s Hope was Once again Restored. It happened while the Family was in A. Hole’s Home Decor Depot in God Knows Where New Mexico. Just as the Family was about to Leave the Store Empty Handed, which They had become accustomed to, They were Approached by a Shady Looking Salesman Sporting a Sinister Smile Named Asmodeus. Asmodeus empathized with the Family’s Plight and because He did He was willing to Give the Family the Key Piece of Information that They so Desired.

Asmodeus tipped the Family off to the Whereabouts of a Last Boy Retail Outlet Hidden so Deep in a Dark Corner of an Appellation Mountain Vally that The Locals Denied its Very Existence. There at the Mysterious Lazy Boy Outlet The Family would find the Man They had been Seeking for Decades, and this Particular Man possessed the Cure to the Uncomfortable Curse. The Family set out Immediately in Search of the Illusive Lazy Boy Outlet Post Haste Their Hearts Filled with Hope. The Family Drove for what Seemed like Eternity until They Reached the Secret Access Point in the Application Mountains that would lead Them to the Mythical Lazy Boy Outlet the Menacing Salesman Spoke Of. It took the Better half of the Day to Navigate the Increasing Rough Terrain of the Appalachian Mountains, especially for the Family of Amateurs who were Unaccustomed to such Physical Toil.

At Last as the Sun was Setting far off in the Eastern Horizon the Family Exhausted and Caked in Dirt and Filth Stumbled Upon the Peculiar Ominous Lazy Boy Outlet. The Family Tentatively Entered the Dank and Shadow Filled Store being extremely Cautious in Their New Surroundings so Far from Home. The Store was Illuminated by 18th Century Oil Lamps that were Scattered Around the Store making the Dense Shadows Dance Upon the Walls and the Ceiling itself. A Thick Layer of Dust Lay upon Each and Every Surface within the confines of the Store, and Cob Webs swayed back and forth like a Body from the Gallows.

All of a Sudden a Decrepit Old Woman came Slinking forward from the Shadows to Greet The Family. The Family told the Old Hag Their Tale of Woe as She Nodded Knowingly as if She Somehow had Heard it All Before. Once the Family had Finished Their Story the Old Hag informed Them that They could in deed Break the Curse, But just like so many things in Life there were Strings Attached as Nothing is Free.

The Family was so Overcome with Excitement at Finally being rid of The Curse that when the Old Hag handed them a Clipboard with a Unknown Document Pinned to it They Signed it with Gusto not bothering to Read a single fucking word of it. Once the Old Hag had the Signed Document She informed Them that it was a Life Long Multigenerational Contract that Guaranteed the Family that the Curse was Now Broken. Not Only that but as Part of the Contract the Family would be Given the Most Decadent, Luxurious, and Decadent Lazy Boy Recliners that Man has Ever Known.

The Family Rejoiced at the Old Hag’s News as They Cheered, Laughed, Danced Around, and High Fives One Another Smiling Ear to Ear like a Bunch of Jackasses. The Old Hag waited patiently until the Family’s Fanfare had Died Down and then Informed Them of the Previously Mentioned Attached Strings that also came with the Contract. To Uphold Their End of the Contract the Family as Long as Their Bloodline continued to Walk the Earth would Periodically Sacrifice a Chair to the Lazy Boy Lucifer. And if They Failed They would be Dragged Kicking and Screaming Straight to The Household Hell which was Governed by The Lucifer of Lazy Boys. There the Family would spend Eternity as Satanic Salesmen Selling Shitty Chairs to Demons who could Never be Satisfied, and would Return to Torture the Shit Out of Them since Household Hell has a No Refund No Exchange Policy.

So Thats Obviously what is Going on with My Oddball Neighbors since its the Only Scenario that makes any sort of Sense. And Thats That Plain and Simple.

Thanks For Reading,

By Les Sober