Creative Writing – Page 24

Madness Beyond Midnight: Les Unleashes Atomic Text Bomb

I’m not a morning person, nor am I an Afternoon person. I am the typical Night Owl exemplified a thousand fold. I get my so called second wind around 10:30-11:00pm and by say 2 am I’m up and running firing on all cylinders.

I have a tendency to text bomb Spacedog since he doesn’t mind fielding an avalanche of texts at all hours of the night, and more importantly Spacedog is one of the very few people I can write/text/say anything to. Thus I text the most extremely perverted, obscene, Absurd, Foul, Offensive, Insulting, Outrageous, Raunchy, Demented, Insanely Crazy, Controversial, Unorthodox, and “WTF” texts his way.

Last Night was no acceptation. The following are texts I sent to Spacedog starting at 1:49am with the last text sent around 3:00am.

1:49am The Insanity Ensues:

My Feet Wreak Of Scotch

It was actually a decent dinner party until Eric tickled Theresa’s twat, and one of his sausage fingers slipped through her beef curtains ending up knuckle deep in her happy humping hole. At that point we were all kicked the hell out drunk as drunk can be into the nefarious night.

Bollywood has an emerging Pornography industry that has actual 4 hour long fucking musical orgies of Singing, Sexing, Dancing & Dicking with the Super Slutty Cunny Sutra.

My New Favorite Insult: “Go Fucking Fist Yourself” or “Go Fist Fuck Your Face”

Karl got his cock cut off down at the Slimy Sausage Packaging Plant by humping on a Industrial Disemboweling-Internal Organ Processing Machine.

“DAMN THESE ELECTRIC SEX PANTS!”

Masa Clitty world renowned Scottish Folk Singer and Exquisite Anal Gaping Artist

Look Into The Eye Of My Ass To See What Shit IS Going Down.

Feel the Wrath of a Drunk Skunk Rage Humping Your Leg and Cumming on your socks for Spite.

Over Time How Far Do Vaginal Lips Sag as they head South?!

I’m suffering the onset symptoms of Saggy Senior Scrotum Aging Disorder, so I scheduled an appointment to Botox my Balls Tomorrow at 5:30 the AMs

Phil was a generally smart motherfucker who was killed by a Cannibal when he mistakenly told the Cannibal to “Eat My Ass”

The Young Cocksman Vs. The Salty Yogurt Singers for the Best New Porno Punk Rock Group 2017

If He Be a She and She Be a He then aren’t we just back where we started?!

New Porn Title: Licking Lot Lizards: The Trucker Fucker Union

Boner Toner For All Your Porn Star Needs.

I’m not giving coal to the people I deem to have been naughty this year. Instead I will be giving them 3 Pounds of Unwashed Wild Pif Pubes.

Sci Fi Porn is just Fucking With Phasers.

SciFi Pornos: All Alien Anal 11

HOLY ANAL GAPING GOPHERS BATMAN!

Can Drag Queens hide their Balls by sticking them in their butts?!

Justin Bieber’s Man Beaver

My New Death Metal Punk Band is Called THE MANGLED MANGINAS

Get It Up, Get It In, Get It Off, and Get It Out

They be Swank Fucking Fancy.

TODAY AT 5:56am Text From Spacedog

Hi. New Blog? Lol

Thanks for Das READ,

Les Sober

Joy & Gary: An Exercise in the Psychotic

Lets be real we have all had them before and chances are we will have them again, and no I’m not talking about Crabs. I’m talking about NEIGHBORS oh yes my friend Neighbors those people living next door to us all. We are all pretty familiar with the different types of Neighbors one can have noting that the best Neighbor is either no Neighbor at all or an Anti Social Neighbor.

You have the Nosey Neighbor always lurking around looking for something to fucking to find fault or issue with. The Young Neighbors those special first time apartment dwellers who run rampant because they haven’t realized they no longer live at home, and thus have to clean up their own shit, and act like a fucking adult not a feral 18 year old. Then there the Overly Friendly Neighbors the ones that want to be your BFF for LIFE and go one family vacations together or celebrate the holidays with. Theres the Party Neighbors who live in a eternal frat party blaring shitty EDM while playing endless games of beer pong. There’s the Arguing Neighbors who make the assholes on Jerry Springer look like the Micky Mouse Club, and are willing to fight morning, noon or night because apparently they have no jobs to go to. The Geriatric Neighbors who complain incessantly about anything and everything you do, how loud you do it, and when you choose to do it. The New Parent Neighbors/ Multiple Child Neighbors are not the same ,but are closely related as the bottom line is their annoying kids become your problem as well as you hear every goddamn temper tantrum.

Alright enough of the example listing bullshit. The point is Neighbors are annoying and a constant nuisance that honestly we all rather not have to deal with at all. I have encountered every extreme when its come to my past Neighbors from Almost Dead to Crackhead, and every deviant in-between. Thats Why I consider myself extremely lucky now a days that I have absentee Neighbors. They only show up a couple times a year for a few days to hang out with family and shit. But when the question arises “Who was the Worst of the Worst” pertaining to my past Neighbors the answer hands down without a doubt is Joy & Gary .

I was living Phase 2 of my life in The Great Southern Swamp, and was living with my good friend Nightmare. My Wife and I also where spending more and more time together during this period as well. Nightmare and I lived in a typical Swamp Condo with a mundanely generic floor plan. Essentially you walked into a small enclosed courtyard (enclosed by a 8 foot privacy fence) and straight to the front door. Once you entered the condo you were facing the stairs up to the bedrooms. On the right was the Living Room and to the left was the dinning room and down stairs bathroom. The kitchen was located around the corner past the dinning room. Now in true Swamp fashion the condo had NO WINDOWS which is really fucking weird to say. Instead of windows the architects used Sliding Glass Doors like the kind you commonly find in a house leading to the backyard/pool/deck. Once you went upstairs the guest bedroom was directly in front of you and the master was to the left of a small landing. The bedrooms both had Sliders leading out to a balcony overlooking the courtyard. That meant essentially that 4 walls of our condo where made of fucking glass.

Ironically Joy & Gary lived 25 feet to the right of our condo in a separate set of units that neighbored our building seperated only by a narrow sidewalk running in-between the two units. Joy & Gary fell into the “Arguing Neighbor” Category. That though my friend is just the tip of the iceberg. Joy & Gary would fight any hour of the day or night with ALL 4 SLIDERS OPEN. Their arguments were fucking epic and lasted for HOURS (I mean 3,4,5 or more hours) NON STOP I swear they didn’t fucking stop to breathe. To make shit crazier Joy & Gary had a young son about 7 if I had to and am guessing named Albert and his best friend a cocker spaniel who’s name I do not recollect. During Joy & Gary’s hellacious fights you’d never hear a single peep from Albert or the Dog. In fact 95% of what we were subjected to was solely Joy’s tirades as Gary seldom spoke and even in the heat of battle when he raised his voice it was only a grabbled mumble sort of like Charlie Brown’s teacher. As for Joy aka the star of the shit show more than likely had some serious and legit mental health/ emotional issues, well it sounded that way to us. Joy would SCREAM BLOODY MURDER at the top of her lungs like a demonically possessed savage warrior, and the stamina of a Track and Field Olympic Gold Medalist.

Now this is the strangest part of it all it was the topics of their knock down drag out verbal fisticuffs. For the sake of time for both the reader and myself I have the Top 5 Most Absurdly Savage Argument Topics from the Joy & Gary Wars. Joy’s Quotes are in all actuality virtually verbatim.

Topic 1 Sample: “IF You Don’t Walk The Dog Gary I’m Going To Divorce You!”

J: “GAAAAAARY! Walk the fucking dog Gary, walk the goddamn dog!”

G. (Unintelligible Garbling)

J: “Gary if you don’t walk the dog I’ll DIVORCE YOU! YOU HERE ME GARY?! YOU HEAR THAT GARY?!! I work all damn day and you won’t walk the dog by god Gary you sleazy shit, are you boozing it up at the boogie bar Gary? Sucking down shitty cocktails starring at fake tits?!I’ll divorce you, I’ll take everything, EVERY FUCKING THING! Walk the Dog Gary, WALK THE DOG OR ITS DIVORCE! You don’t DO SHIT GARY, you don’t do a GODDAMN THING AROUND HERE! WALK THE DOG GARY OR I’LL DIVORCE YOU, I’LL FUCKING DIVORCE YOUR FAT ASS!”

Topic 2 Sample: “Don’t Send Your Drug Dealer To My Job”

J: “FUCK YOU GARY, I don’t know what is going on? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON GARY?! Are you working Gary, I work all fucking day and DON’T SEND YOUR DRUG DEALER TO MY JOB! I won’t be fired for you Gary, I’m not getting fucking fired over your bullshit.(Primal Scream) BULLSHIT GARY BULLSHIT! BIG PIMPING DOPE DEALING THUG!What the fuck is this Gary, Gary WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT THE FUCK GARY?! You shooting dope in your dick again Gary because I know that dope dick game already! I bust my ass and god knows what the fuck your doing, DO YOU HAVE TRACK MARKS ON YOUR PECKER GARY?! what are you doing Gary WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!(Scream with Unintelligible dialogue) Don’t EVER GARY, FUCKING DON’T its fucking ridiculous DON’T SEND YOUR DRUG DEALER TO MY JOB GARY!!”

Topic 3 Sample: “Where Do You Go All Day?!”

J: “Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck! Fucking stop the shit Gary! (Prolonged Scream) Where do you go, where do you go all day Gary? You working Gary what the fuck you said your working a job, what fucking job? You giving out hand jobs in the Home Depot parking lot or WHAT?! I don’t know where you go all day, you could be fucking off drinking your ass off at the goddamn bar with your bullshit buddies Gary or your slumming at the sex shops on the edge of town like a dirty old perverted man?!. I pay the bills Gary I PAY THE GODDAMN BILLS! BILLS NOT BULLSHIT GARY! You could be on Meth again for all I know pan handling for dope money for fucks sake!! I don’t know where you go all day, what do you do Gary What is it pray tell you do all fucking day as I work till my goddamn back is breaking, ITS BREAKING GARY, MY FUCKING BACK IS BREEEEEAAAAAKING! YOUR BREAKING MY BACK GARY, Where do you go ALL DAAAAAAAY?!!!”

Topic 4 Sample: “Where The Receipts?!’

J:”Where are they? Where are the goddamn receipts Gary? I gave you money Gary money I worked my tits off for and you don’t bring me any fucking receipts? Where the fuck is the money Gary what you spend it on High Grade Japanese Sex Dolls, is that it Gary you fucking dirty old pervert, you a pervert Gary is that where the money is going or what, what Gary (Loud Howling) You banging Bath Salts Gary, You getting fucked up on Flakka again Gary is that it?! Wheres MY MONEY?! What did you do spent it on what you won’t tell me, is it a fucking secret, WHATS THE FUCKING SECRET GARY, You financing Cheap Local Porn again at the Welfare Motels Gary? GARY! WHERE ARE THE RECEIPTS!

Topic 5 Sample: “What Happened To Dinner?!”

J:” SO GARY what the hell happened to dinner?! Did you snort our dinner Gary, did you fucking snort it up your fucking nose?! I come home and theres no dinner, you promised dinner you wanted off my shit list GARY. What the fuck have you been up to, you weren’t sure as hell making dinner you bastard! YOU SON OF A BITCH! (High Pitched Wail) YOU SON OF A BITCH! What happened to dinner Gary you spend our food money on porn again, where you at the scummy porno shops again you PEEP SHOW PERVERT! Jerking off in a shitty adult book store like a demented OLD FUCK! I’m starving Gary this shit is bullshit, what happened to DINNER?! You fuck a hooker with it Gary did you bang some crackhead bitch with a std ridden twat under the freeway over pass was that WHAT HAPPENED TO DINNER?!”

Sometimes we would listen and laugh or make a drinking game out of their arguments (drink every time Joy screams GARY!) but most of the time it was a huge paining the ass being forced to listen to insane shit like those two psychos Joy & Gary. But to be honest Joy & Gary’s arguments were deeply disturbing considering this was a almost daily/nightly occurrence. 7 or 8 months before We moved Joy & Gary disappeared. I honestly have no idea what the hell could have become of these two tyrannical twats but here are some scenarios. Somebody finally called in the Cops and Gary or Joy were arrested and the other took the kid and ran for the fucking hills. Either Joy or Gary Died and the other took the kid and split. Gary could have had Joy committed to a mental institution and hit the road with his son in tow. It could also have been a murder suicide, but that shit would have made the news and I think we would have noticed if our psychotic neighbors went apeshit crazy and offed each other. Now with that said Joy or Gary could have murdered the other and fled town and possible prosecution. All in All if I had to make a definitive guess Gary killed Joy and headed to Mexico with his son Albert.

Thanks For Reading,

Les Sober

The Tale of the Small Town MothMan Mural

When We moved from the Southern Swamp to the Southern Country one of the advantages of the move was there were several structures located out back behind our new home offices. There was a large one car garage which We unceremoniously designated for the usual trivial shit like Lawn Mowers, Various garden tools, Paint cans, and for a few months 2 large puppies (who now have their own Dog House complete with Heater and Air Conditioning)

The second structure was a run of the mill silver, 10 foot high, 20 foot long, 8 foot wide, sheet metal shed supported by an internal basic wooden frame. When We purchased the property the shithead previous owners failed to give us among many other things the keys to unlock said shed. We could see through the 4 small windows (2 per side) and do a very general assessment. From what we could see the only real issue other than getting a new lock was the plywood floor was rotten in 2 separate places and would need patching.

Once We got the shed lock changed and were able to enter the structure things looked as if the shed was worser for the wear than We had anticipated. Even if it needed more TLC than We thought it was still a viable option to be My Art Studio (Yes I paint and Draw in a variety of various mediums such as CharCoal or Oil Paints. I have recently decided that it is at this point in my life I will be pursuing Sculpting as creating a 3 dimensional project is going to be fucking awesome and intense.) The first thing I did was load it up with all my various art supplies (Canvases, Paints, Brushes, Assortment of Project Materials etc.), but the floor fix would take time, and I have NO PATIENCE, NON AT ALL. Its A Virtue I was born without and I’m totally fucking fine with that.

It took less than a day before I was wallowing in frustrated boredom and thought to myself that if I couldn’t currently use the shed I could still in the mean time decorate the outside. I drove to the local hardware store in the neighboring town and loaded up on Spray Paint big time. I had no idea what I was going to Paint on the side of the shed so first I selected which side I would do first. The rightsize of the shed made a small alleyway between it and the garage so space to work was limited. The same was true of the back of the shed even more so as our fence came in even closer proximity than the garaged and the sheds right wall. That left me with the choice of either the front or the left side of the shed to choose from. I chose the left side since it was bigger and had the best area in which to work.

I walked around the to the left side of the shed and stood there just looking at the shed without a thought in my mind waiting. It didn’t take long before an idea popped into my head MOTHMEN/MOTHMAN. Now before the first fool blurts out how much they loved the movie “The Mothman Prophecies” shut the fuck up. True it was a some what decent movie, but the Mothman is not solely limited to the Point Pleasant, West Virginia 1967 Silver Bridge Collapse that killed 46 people. The Mothman or Mothmen if you will have been seen in different areas before an impending disaster strikes such places as Chernobyl circling Reactor 4, before 9/11 in New York City, The I-35 Bridge Collapse in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and The Swine Flue Outbreak in Mexico in 2009 for instance.

Now I don’t claim to believe or not believe in such things as UFO’s, Ghost’s, Monsters or Cryptozoology but it all fun food for thought because who actually knows, and all I’m saying is I don’t know. What I do know is I utterly LOVE UNDERDOGS and to me the Mothman is just that, The Underdog of Cryptozoology. The main debate surrounding the Mothman is simply this is the Mothman coming and bringing death/doom/disaster with it OR is the Mothman a supernatural being/creature that comes to WARN US of immediate impending danger?! I hold with the latter of the two believes myself. It all added up to a quick decision that the mural I’d Spray Paint on the side of the shed would be The Mothman. (Yet myths, legends and lore interest me to no end ever fueling the fires of my undying curiosity.)

I should take a moment to add that the left side of the shed faced the street in a small neighborhood in a tiny town located along the Bible Belt. For this reason and this reason alone I wrote “Mothman” across its chest because while the Mothman was enough to turn many a head I didn’t want (nor need for that matter) for the locals to think the new guy was painting Devils or Demons on the side of his shed.

In a few days the Mothman was finished and I decided the silver background was fucking up my visual of the Mothman. I thought about background colors to use (My wife suggested blue and I should have listened, but I was thinking Navy Blue not say Sky Blue) and some how I chose Orange. On top of using Orange for the background I used a VERY DEEP AND INTENSE shade only to realize when it was all said and done the Orange background made it look more demonic than I’d liked or intended. I didn’t want to change the mural so Mothman with Orange background and all remained vigilantly watching the passerby on the road for months.

Unfortunately upon a proper inspection of the shed, the shed was found to be structurally unsound. The floor was completely shot and would need total replacement. The supporting wood infrastructure was compromised beyond belief. This was apparently due to the fact the previous owner had tried to wire up the shed with electricity themselves and fucked it up causing a fucking fire. The fire had burned a majority of the roof supports right through so if you tapped on them with a hammer they disintegrated.

I called my contractor and informed him that the shed was shot and I’d need his help tearing it down so as We could replace it. 3 or4 days later my contractor showed up with a small handful of workers who set off demolishing the rickety old shed. It only took them a few mere hours to reduce the standing structure into piles of scrap.

That evening I was talking on the phone to my Brother in the Great Northern New Yonder and he asked what was new. I told him about the failing inspection of the doomed shed and that it had been torn down and hauled off. I also told him that for a split second I thought about asking my contractor if the Mothman Mural could be salvaged, but in the end I just let it go. My Brother started laughing, not in an at me type manner, but a “He hasn’t figured it out yet” kind of way. Once he paused to catch his breath I asked him what he found so fucking amusing about the whole ordeal?! I had spent all the time and effort to paint the Mothman mural just to have it crushed and carted away in the end. He responded by saying that if I believed the Mothman was a Warning of impending danger, then painted one on the side of the shed, and then ultimately the shed met its demise then it followed my Mothman belief to a tee.

I couldn’t help laughing because he was dead right. A dilapidated shed, a Mothman Mural painted upon it, and 4 moths later the shed and the mural are gone having been destroyed in the dismantling process.

Thanks For Das Read,

Les Sober

Unconventional Assignment Sets English Department on its Ass

DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING POST DOES NOT INDORSE, PROMOTE, SUPPORT OR GLORIFY DRUG ADDICTION. IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS BATTLING ADDICTION PLEASE GET HELP.

I was a freshman in collage when I took a writing course that was billed as a creative writing class. It turned out to be a real turd. There was absolutely NOTHING creative about the class I assure you. The Professor was phoning it in as far as I was concerned. There wasn’t creativity because there was no originality. What I mean is this Guy basically ran us through a basic writing textbook full of the most mundane rudimentary writing exercises.

One fateful day the so called Professor assigned what is called “A List Exercise”. A list Exercise is writing a list describing a process such as ReBuilding a Carburetor, Baking Cup Cakes, Making a Toy Model, Groom a Dog etc. in list form. Its basically a step by step how to list.

I was so utterly disgusted with the assignment I decided to write an unconventional list because that would be interesting (I mean its a fucking list how interesting is that shit?!), and not just a half assed description of some ordinary task I chose just to complete the assignment.

When it comes to writing a classic motto of sorts is “A writer writes what they know” and with that said I decided for my unorthodox List Exercise that I would write about the ritual of the Heroin Addict which I am quite personally familiar with from my Decade of Debauchery (My past feels like several lifetimes).

Needless to say this caught the Professors eye and not in a good way. He told me it was inappropriate and that I was making a mockery of the class. The Professor then went on to report my paper to the Head of the English Department. Before the end of the day the entire English Department was gossiping feverishly about it and adding their two cents worth.

In the end I was given a slap on the wrist and told not to repeat such “Disruptive Behavior” and all would be forgiven.

Ladies & Gentlemen without a further ado for your reading pleasure I give you that very cleaver and controversial Exercise List:

Score the heroin
Find safe and private area/location
Fire up Zippo lighter and place it standing upright
Get spoon out
Place small amount of water in spoon (to help with this part bending the spoon at the base of the neck is recommended)
Combine the water and heroin in spoon
Mix water and heroin thoroughly in spoon
Place spoon over a heat source i.e. flame such as a Lighter, Match or Lit Candle
Wait for the water-heroin concoction to simmer (Bubble)
Once simmering immediately remove spoon from flame
Allow the mixture to cool (requires just an minute or so)
Place piece of cotton or a piece cigarette filter to use as a filter
Draw up heroin into syringe through the filter
Make sure to remove ALL air bubbles by flicking syringe with index finger (If you inject an air bubble it will travel to your heart and you will DIE)
Once the bubbles have burst expel the excess by pushing plunger of syringe until air is out

16.Tie off using a belt, phone cord etc. as a tourniquet

17. Insert syringe into vein at a 45 degree angle

18. Draw back plunger to see if your actually in a vein

19. If a small amount of blood rushes into the syringe your set, if not repeat #17

20. Once you’ve draw the plunger back and blood entered the syringe inject heroin slowly

21. Once the heroin is injected remove tourniquet

22. Remove needle

23. Wipe off excess blood from injection site

24. Apply pressure to stop any further bleeding

25. In 3 to 4 hours the high will wear off (possibly making you severely sick depending on how addicted you are or become)

26. When you come down you will want/need to repeat this entire list again and again and again….Until You either end up DEAD, IN PRISON or GET CLEAN.

Thanks For Reading

Les Sober

The 1st Amendment & Cops Don’t Mix.

I have been waiting for a situation to present itself so I could argue my point and that being The 1st Amendment & Cops Don’t Mix. Well low and behold that situation I had been waiting for for so long finally arrived.

My Wife and I were driving through the neighboring town where my relative lives. We where on our way to their house because they were in Portugal on vacation, and they needed someone to feed the cat/water the plants while they were away. We had stopped off at the one and only Pizza Parlor to pick up a Pizza and when we pulled out of the parking lot I saw the Cop car sitting at the top of a side street with their lights off. The first thought that came to my mind was GODDAMN TRAFFIC BANDITS, FUCKING ROAD PIRATES! The Second was their unofficial require monthly quota of traffic tickets still existed regardless of its unofficial status. The third and the last thought was based on the so called “Gut Feeling” that I have had sporadicly from time to time throughout my life. Again the feeling was right . As soon as our rear bumper had passed by the front of their patrol car the motherfuckers pulled out with their shitty disco lights a blaze.

We were going a whopping 14 miles an hour (the town speed limit is 30 and every local knows the Cops set up speed traps and do traffic stops all along the main road.), but in this case we had just pulled out of the Pizza Parlor’s parking lot and had only driven 100 feet or so before getting tagged by the cocksucking cops.

The Cops then without pause turned on their PA system and told us over the loud speaker (incase we didn’t know because we’re utter fucktards what was going on or what to do) that we had to pull over. Main street is too narrow for there to be a traffic stop on the side of the road without impending traffic. So We were then instructed by said Cops to pull into the drive way on the right (which ironically was the local Police station/Court house/Town Hall/Jail) and we did. My Wife for some reason decided to pull over and put the car in park as opposed to the usual pulling over and turning the car/engine off. She then scrambled around the trash dump that is the interior of her car for all her proper paperwork, and luckily found it all in spite of the overwhelming mounds of trash.

The Cop strolled up to the drivers side of the car and addressed my Wife in the classic manner saying hey and asking for her drivers license, Proof of insurance and registration. My Wife being so polite it was making me ill immediately hands over all the appropriate requested information. The Cop then demanded to know if there were drugs/guns/explosives or any type of weapon/contraband in the car. I took acceptation to his overtly assertive Cop attitude, and opted to use my 1st amendment right to free fucking speech. I said No over my Wife and proceeded to let the Cops know they can search the car and us because there wasn’t shit on us. I did this because I hate how Cops are always trying to intimidate civilians in these and other situations. Heres a fun fucked up fact to prove what I just said to be true. First off to be a State Trooper you have to be 6 feet taller or taller. This is solely so when the Trooper is standing outside of your car they look more intimidating on purpose. State Troopers also use basic psychology for intimidation purposes such as wearing sunglasses. Its a scientific biological fact that if 2 people are talking and the 1st one is wearing sun glasses thus obscuring their eyes the 2nd one will become naturally unnerved as humans relay on eye contact quite heavily in social situations, but I digress.

The Cop falls into the stereotypical threatening Cop routine. The Cop aggressively tells us there trying to do things the easy way but they could do it the hard way. He then went on to explain that meant they’d search the car and us, call in a fucking K-9 unit and possibly arrest us solely based on our behavior while dealing with them (AKA Be Submissive like a scared fucking dog) This is when I took acceptation to the COp’s partner standing over my shoulder with his fucking super duper halogen flash fucking light.

At this point I tried to reel myself in a bit and did my guttural mumbling. What guttural mumbling is my affectionate term for when I talk in a low, deep voice stringing along my words so only if you REALLY KNOW ME you’ll know what I’m saying. Think of it as me talking in my own personal short hand if you will. My Wife after 14 years of knowing me has the most expertise understanding/deciphering this garbled code of mine. I leaned over and said “Look Motherfucker What You Bout asshole” which simple translates to “Look at this motherfucker over here by me doing the whole unflinching authority rediric bullshit the fucking asshole that this asshole is. Fucking Asshole.” For the duration of this post I will simply write the translated version as not to tax the readers eyes unnecessarily.

The 1st Cop heres me but can’t for the life of himself figure out what the hell I’m saying, BUT he really wanted to know. So he asked me what I said and I responded by saying “I know its a safety issue with a broken tail light and should be fixed ASAP, but I don’t understand nor appreciate the overly aggressiveness nature of your handling it with, thats what I;m taking goddamn acceptation too.” The Cop obviously didn’t appreciate my response and launches into the “Is there and Drugs…in the Car” again to which I respond to ahead and search away, you won’t find shit and I can workout any legalities with my Attorney tomorrow.” Now the Cop REALLY didn’t like that answer. So the Cop actually says to my wife that I’m making them nervous, and of course I had something to say about that shit. I told the Cop I think its fucking hilarious that there 2 grown men armed with Handguns, Mace, Night Stick/Baton and more than likely a shotgun in their car, BUT I’M making THEM Nervous? Seriously thats fucking moronic. The Cop continues to address my wife about what I’m saying and how its fucking everything up apparently when I made a second comment about his Partner still standing behind me unflinching like a fucking Nazi SS solider. As par of the course the Cop then asked me again what I said, and I repeated the same statement as before about dramatic overkill over a simply a broken tail light.

The Cop then suggests I role down my window and talk directly to his partner which quite obviously I didn’t want to do. I rolled down the window in anywise realizing the Cop wasn’t making a suggestion, he was ordering me to do so. His partner asked why I was being so verbal and I said “Because I can thanks to the 1st Amendment, and that We weren’t yelling/screaming, keeping cursing on my part to a stricter minimum, we were complying with the officers requests, nor were we being verbally or physically abusive rather I was just stating my opinion. The only issue that I was aware of was the Cops PERSONALLY taking acceptation to my opinions which is fine, BUT COPS LET PERSONAL FEELING DICTATE THERE PROFESSIONAL CONDUCT leading to abuse of power. An PRIME EXAMPLE of this is The Federal Court had to interject and inform the citizens of America that it is TOTALLY LEGAL and the right of every American Citizen to give the Police the middle finger (at any time or place). This was due to the fact Cops were being given the finger, and then in response they harassed the shit out of the person who flipped them off thusly abusing their Professional Power to deal with a Personal Problem.

Needless to say in the end I just opted to keep my mouth shut to avoid a felonious arrest by these Podunk Police Officers. The Cop’s partner went on to explain that he’s there for his partner’s and his safety as they don’t know who or what could be waiting when they walk up to a car. Fine that makes total sense and I totally agree. My point on that subject was it was unnecessarily over bearing and basically a dick move because he remained in his “Defensive Safety” stance far to long to be legitimate. I mean lets fucking face it, while he may be providing safety for himself and his partner the Cop NONE THE LESS was also using his position to visually search me and the interior of the car (i.e. He got real close and shined his fuck light into the glove compartment when My Wife put her personal information away. He was also seeing if his presence made us nervous as if we were hiding something from them, what the fuck happened to INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY?! Seems to me the Cops are conducting themselves under the gneiss of the opposite theory Guilty until proven innocent and THATS BULLSHIT, un-American, UNPROFESSIONAL and leads to POLICE CORRUPTION AND ABUSE, but thats a different story for another day.

Thanks for the Read,

Les Sober

November’s Embrace

I am so blah. I don’t really know how to describe it. I suppose me feeling this way when November rolls around is turning into sort of a trend.

But no this time is different because I am trying to escape the disfunction. And that is all I find. My energy levels are so freaking sapped. It is like everything I put into a thought remains just as that, just as a thought. Suspended in time. Not fullfilled, but so far from being broken. Just captured.

So I sit here trying to recapture some of the energy. It comes in a song, it comes in a whisper from others but is not internal. I lost it in the wind, have lost it in the wind.

Maybe all I need is some good drugs. I sleep only seldom and am in this fog all the time. Not the place where I want to be. I would rather live in pandemonium then this constant fog. I cannot feel in the fog. It is a dangerous place to be.

Once long ago I was entirely too concerned about others giving up on me. Now this curse lingering within me is making me want to give up on myself. At least I keep them busy in the ER between Halloween and Thanksgiving.

By SpaceDog

Go Home Hunter Boy Before You Get Hurt

If anyone has any doubt that I Love my Wife too No End Yesterday Proved it beyond any and all reasonable doubt. For those that know me what I’m about to say next is Far Beyond Bizarre, but My Wife has a variety of Holiday projects/Crafts for the kids in our Family that both required the same exact component Pine Cones. Yes I fucking went on a walk with my Wife to collect the very much needed Pine Cones.

There is a dirt road behind our backyard that separates our neighborhood from the neighborhood that neighbors ours (say the shit 5 times fast). The dirt road since it was built has been designated as a Public Road. This is due to the fact people use it for a wide assortment of reasons. Golf carts putter back down that road with little trailers filled with limbs or logs that the driver intends on dumping. There People who walk down the road doing the nature thing, kids use it to cut through between the two neighboring neighborhoods, People walk there dogs on that road, Trucks towing boats/small rv’s/ATVs use that road either to assist in getting there boat or whatever out of their backyards or as an access road to go between both neighborhoods visiting friends/family. Point being it is a rather well used road.

My Wife and I exited the backyard (deciding to leave the Our Big Backyard Dwelling Dogs at Home as walking them is a real labor of love) and proceeded down the road Pine Cone collection bags in hand. While you walk on the road you can see right into the residents backyards and can see the trails they have made to move recreational toys (ATVS, Boats Etc.). The woods separating the two said neighborhoods is like a small, narrow Triangle thats narrowest point is behind our house and as you travel the woods on both side of the road thicken to a decent degree.

After walking around five minutes I saw something on the right next to the side of the road (No not Puppies and that for those who know that reference was a different dirt road) that honestly exclaim “What The Fuck?!” it was so utterly insane for me to see. Here I must mention it is still Deer Hunting Season and what I saw lying buy the side of the road was a Deer Baiting Area. A Deer Baiting area is simply a small clearing usually near the hunters blind (A ladder with a small seat attached to the top that gives the hunter the advantage of height over their pray) and consists of only one other thing outside of a clearing, and thats Corn. Hunters can buy 25 to 50 pound bags of Livestock Corn (for animal feed, not human consumption) on the Cob which they then dump in a large pile in the clearing. The Hunter then retreats to his/her hunting blind to wait for hungry Deer to come by for a bite to eat at which point the Hunter shoots them (Not very sporting you ask me the gun toting camouflaged assholes) There was a sapling growing approximately 3 feet back from the piled corn that had a Trap Camera. They are the cameras that hunters strap to trees that have motion sensors so when anything enters the cameras view it will automatically take photos. This way hunters can see if their animals around that area worth hunting.

My first instinct was to 1) Piss all over the corn rendering it useless for baiting Deer and 2) Ironically to take my big old hunting knife and cutting the camera down. I then would of course take it with me to teach this Massive Moron that hunting SO fucking close to people is a common sense issue, and if this ignorant ass idiot doesn’t have any or is not using their common sense then I’d help them figure it out so to speak.

Now not only was it shocking to see the such monumental stupidity, but on top of hunting on a well used PUBLIC road in-between to large, populated neighborhoods (where kids play, parents do lawn work and grandparents sit on the porch throughout the lazy country days.) the Deer Baiting area was only a mere 100 feet from one of the off shoots that people use for their aforementioned recreational toys. These off shoots lead right into someones backyard or directly behind several house’s backyards as these are the established unofficial travel/transportation paths.

My Wife managed to talk me down and I left the hunters spot and gear undamaged still reeling from the sheer fucking stupidity of said hunter. We walked another several blocks down the dirt road until we inadvertently ran into the actual Hunter. At this point I must interject that I grew up in Sleezy North, spent the last 13 years in the Great Southern Swamp, and spending 10 years as a Hardcore Drug Dealing Drug Addict have been exposed to all kinds of weapons and the madness wielding them. Due to this this fact this hunter has a rifle didn’t phase me in the least. In all honestly in came down to one thing in particular and thats the “3 feet Rule” which dictates if someone one has a rifle 1) You have a knife/weapon/good with your fists 2) MORE IMPORTANTLY if your within a 3 foot radius the hunter can’t get his gun up, aimed and fired before your onto of them with your knife in their fucking neck.

The hunter emerged from the left side of the road about 15 feet infant of us and then proceeded to walk directly at us with his rifle in a resting position across his belly. I was already well pissed off so I wasn’t about to take any shit from this fuck. See Hunters are EXTREMELY TERRITORIAL and EXTREMELY PROTECTIVE of their hunting grounds. This means that if you accidentally wonder onto private land and come across the owner hunting you’ll get one of two reactions. The first if its a younger hunter they’ll be rude, agitated and loud when they inform you of your mistake. The second is if its an older hunter they will be strict but fair in that they’ll let you know they aren’t happy that you showed up on their land (especially while hunting), BUT will be polite enough not to rant and rave and will instruct you to leave their land ASAP and not return.

The hunter was a young guy, about 5′ 8″, 140-150 pounds, intensely blonde almost white hair poking out from under his hunting cap. He was cloaked in camo and was carrying a black .22 caliber hunting rifle. Like I said younger hunters can be pricks and this guy seemed to be a petty prick. No hello or anything the hunter demanded to know what we were doing. This is a PUBLIC road so as far as I was concerned he had no rights hunting or otherwise so I walked up to him stopping short of a foot from his face, and answered “Picking Fucking Pine Cones.” in my deep dead pan manner while staring intently at the hunter. No one in the Southern Country curses while in the presence of others so my barrage of foul and aggressive swearing confused the hunter who seemed to find the whole obscenity thing unnerving.

The hunter responded that we were messing up his hunting by walking down the road spooking all the possible prey that he could kill. My Wife called him out on the fact this is a PUBLIC ROAD and the Hunter looked at the ground and sort of shook his head. I jumped in and demanded to know that if we had accidentally walked onto his land then he should be able to show me the property line. I continued that I find it very strange that his family hadn’t set up signifiers along said property line allowing others to distinguish between public and private land. The usual and accepted way to do this is by Posting “Private Property: NO Trespassing, Hunting, Fishing or Dumping (garbage)” on trees approximately 15 feet apart along the ENTIRE property line. Also there bright neon ties that are fashioned around trunks off trees along the property line as another signifier of private property. Lastly since this was a road there would be a gate of some sort blocking off the part of the road that fell on private property. I asked the hunter why there was none of these and he couldn’t obviously answer being the fact he was fucking lying through his fucking teeth, and I wanted to let him know he was fucked because he couldn’t bullshit us.

I then addressed the fact that he was hunting in EXTREMELY Proximity to people that it was equal to hunting in their backyard. I then asked how the fuck he’d feel if his stupidity got a kid/person/elderly person wounded or killed because of his GROSS INCOMPETENCE. Again the hunter remained speechless. I asked if he had an actual hunting permit, what his family name was (to verify if it was in some sort of way his family’s private land) and while I was interrogating the hunter relentlessly I made sure to stand no farther than a foot away. I also made sure to stay standing to his side in his blind spot. I did this because when he looked at my Wife he had to take his eyes off me to the point where he couldn’t see me even in his peripherals, and as you may image makes people quite nervous as it did this Hunter.

I suppose they hunters plan was to try and act all authoritarian with us and try and intimidate us by bullshitting that this was his/his family private property, and that combined with a rifle in hand should have been enough to run us off if you will. Needless to say then that this was not a response he ever thought he’d get. The little shit then asks us to please leave by walking the rest of the road until it emptied into part of my neighborhood instead of back tracking which would have been a 5 minute walk for us. Some people could call me paranoid others could call me safe, but I agreed to exit the hunters way though it was a huge fucking inconvenience because I didn’t want the little shit to know where I live.

We exited the wooded road and walked all the way home. As we approached our house I had an idea. While crossing the lawn I fetched my car keys from my pocket and walked directly to my Jeep. I got in my Jeep drove it down the dirt road a few blocks and then laid on my horn like a New Yorker possessed by a insane fit of road rage insuring there wouldn’t be a single fucking chipmunk left in the wood for the hunter to hunt thus fucking up the rest of his hunting day.

Thanks For Reading,

Les Sober

Sigmund Frued & The Oedipus Complex: An Exercise in Clarification

Now it safe to assume that if your reading this you know 1) Who Sigmund Freud is, 2) Who Oedipus was and his whole back story. See that the point of my post right fucking there, yet I will explain.

Everyone knows basically that Sigmund Freud was one of the world’s most brilliant Phycologist and is considered the Father of Phycology. That is very much true, but as time as tough us once Historians dig into the past of the World’s Most Important People they find that Person’s Skeletons hidden away in the closet. Once those Skeletons are discovered We are quickly reminded that these Exceptional People were in fact still very much Human, and so we find out what assholes they really were.

Now as we take a tad bit more in-depth look at Siggy most people also know he was rather obsessed with Sex and Human Sexuality which makes him sound like a Dirty Old Man or Basic Pervert. What few people know is Siggy not only prescribed Cocaine to his Patients he also indulged frequently. I believe once Siggy was on/doing Cocaine it obviously affected him personally as well as professionally. One then could ask at what point did Siggy go from Brilliant Psychiatrist to your run of the mill Cokehead?! Anyway when Siggy was extremely interested in Sex/Human Sexuality he came up with a Theory that he called “The Oedipus Complex”based on Ancient Greek Mythology. Simply stated the “Oedipus Complex” says EVER MALE on the Planet secretly desired to KILL HIS FATHER & BANG HIS MOM. Not very pleasant I grant you.

MY 1st POINT: When someone hears this they get these grimy, scummy and sleazy thought of Men they know sitting at the dinner table with his parents eating in silence while secretly thinking about how he can Murder is Dad and Hook Up with his Mom. Its a Incest Horror Show that would make Shakespeare Jealous.

My 2nd and MOST IMPORTANT POINT:

The General Public DON’T KNOW OEDIPUS’S BACKSTORY and IF they did they wouldn’t think twice about it because the Historical Truth dispels one’s 3rd hand thoughts on the subject. Since I find this the crux of the matter here is the Story of Oedipus the Cliff Note Version.

It was Ancient Grease and the current King of Thebes Laius was freaked the fuck out because an Oracle (a mystic with a direct like to the knowledge of the God’s) had just informed him his unborn Son would Kill Him. So when his wife Jocasta gave birth to a boy Laius ordered it be taken out into the Wild and left there to Die of Exposure.

That plan was foiled when a local shepherd took pity on the baby when he came across it and raised Oedipus as his own Son. Oedipus grew up to be a fine young Ancient Greek Man. Now this is where the story becomes Twist City.

One day while traveling to Thebes Oedipus came head to head with a Wagon traveling in the opposite direction. The issue was the road was very narrow so one wagon would have to yield, and pull over to the side of the road to allow the other wagon to pass. Neither Oedipus nor the Other Man would yield to the other. After arguing and being well provoked by the Other Man’s Insults Oedipus got violent and ended up Murdering the Other Man. The Other Man unbeknownst to Oedipus (Who was exiled to die in the woods as an infant had no idea who his actual birth parents were or that he was a prince and the Air To The Throne of Thebes.) was in fact Laius his birth Father.

Oedipus continued on his journey to the Kingdom of Thebes. Once Oedipus arrived at Thebes he found it plagued by a Sphinx who asked every passerby a riddle. If the person could not answer the Sphinx’s riddle they were gruesomely killed upon the spot.

Oedipus was smarter than your average Bear and was able to answer the Sphinx’s riddle and ironically the Sphinx killed Herself. For killing the damnable Sphinx Oedipus was rewarded by the Citizens of Thebes with the Throne of Thebes and with it the hand of their recently Widowed Queen Jocasta (Oedipus’s birth Mother) Here it is important to remember once again Oedipus never knew his parents since his Father attempted to murder him as an infant, and thus Oedipus’s parents had no idea who he was either) Oedipus and Jocasta had a total of 4 children together.

But Inevitably The Truth would come to light and when it did Jocasta immediately committed suicide. What happened to Oedipus is highly debated. One version of the story states that after his mother/wife committed suicide he remained as ruler of Thebes until his death. The second version states that after Jocasta committed suicide Oedipus gouged out his own eyes and Advocated the Throne to his brother-in-law Creon. Oedipus then Exiled himself accompanied by two of his children, his son Antigone and Ismeme. In this version it says Oedipus died at Colonus near Athens where apparently was swallowed up by the Earth, and became a Guardian Hero of The Land.

BOTTOM LINE: Oedipus had no idea who his parents were (nor they him) so OEDIPUS’S ACTIONS WEREN’T INTENTIONAL, a key fact missing from good old Siggy’s “Oedipus Complex” Theory. Proof agin a small difference can greatly affect the story.

Thanks For The read,

Les Sober

You Only Get a 1 Chance To Make a 1st Impression and They F*cked Up

Quite a while ago I was at a near by local Mall (I fucking hate Malls their a Vulgar Display of Capitalism) and We saw an entry for a contest. The prize was a White Trash Ride on Lawnmower Wet Dream. The Mower was splattered with White Trash Decals for everything from the a popular Collage, State football team, The States Flag and the Token State Symbol from tip to tail. It was such a gross case of overkill We knew we had to enter. We filled out the general information card and plopped it into the entry slot on the entry box and promptly forgot all about it.

Tuesday We got a phone call from the apparent sponsor of the Ride on Mower Contest a Smaller Alarm Company called Super Sonic Security. The Woman on the phone identified herself as Phone Drone Debbie who got our contact information off our entry card, and wanted to talk to us about Home Security AKA Alarm Company. We were all in a good mood so We decided to hear her out. So We said sure and listened to her spiel about how their company was looking to expand using word as mouth as their key strategy. Since Super Sonic Security was looking to sign up new customers they were waving this and waving that fee left and fucking right. This turned into a case of if its to good to be real deal, and My Wife and I decided there was obviously a catch and We wanted to find out what it was. At first We thought it was blatantly going to be Expensive Monthly Monitoring Fees/ Shitty Long Term Contracts. Alas We couldn’t find a hidden catch (it was fucking mind boggling really) but without any issue with costs We decided to go with the it (since We had been discussing Alarm Systems and were officially in the market for one) and scheduled a Tech to install the System the following day between 6 and 7 pm.

Well that WAS the Catch.

Wednesday 6pm came and went and by 7 I figured for whatever the reason may be the Tech wasn’t showing up for the scheduled installation. Now since I work from home and My Wife is a Nurse (who works 12 hour shifts and being an RN there is a STRICK NO PHONE POLICY the bottomline being NO CELLPHONES AT WORK.) Super Sonic Suckurity was instructed to call Me. Anyway My Wife gets home and I tell her that the fucking Tech pulled a No Show not to mention the asshole didn’t even have the professional curtesy of a fucking phone call. My Wife informed me that the Tech had called her at 6:55pm (5 minutes before he was supposed to be at Our House at the fucking latest.), but My Wife was driving so she didn’t answer (Good for her). The Tech left a rather long and completely confusing message on her voicemail. She then put her phone on speaker and played his message for me. It was the most fucking absurd load of rambling ranting I have bared witness to and I didn’t know if I wanted to kill this fuck or admire him for his horrendous display of Bullshit. As far as I can decipher the message was about how their expanding business is taking off and the schedule filled up. This I assume was the part of the message explaining the bullshit No Show accept We booked the appointment the previous night at 8:50 pm less than 24 hours ago. So the reasoning that they couldn’t fit us in made no fucking sense what so ever. One We ALREADY had an appointment scheduled, but these assholes solicited Us yet they seemed to be trying to play it off as We called them (and their too fucking busy for new customers which obviously is counterintuitive to the basic business model, NO CUSTOMERS NO COMPANY). The Tech then launches into the second part of his ludicrous message and starts babbling about expanding network and network capabilities pertaining to Geography or some shit. He then finishes his message of madness by saying that Super Sonic Security will call us back at a later date to discuss Alarm Instillation.

Needless to say this chapped My ass ROYALLY and I snatched up my phone and called the number the Sales Woman from earlier only to get a busy signal. I called right back and then again in several minutes but got the same busy signal each time. I then dialed the main customer service phone number and a guy named Jerk Off Jimmy D and I aggressively asked him what the fuck is this No Show bullshit about. Jerk Off Jimmie D tells me that I have reached an Answering Service so they can’t do a damn thing but pass on a message the following morning. I told Jerk Off Jimmie D I’d like to leave a message which was Don’t Ever Contact Me Again, You had a chance a blew it right out of your ass.

That should have been that, but I had a sneaking suspicion that I’d be getting a call from the Super Sonic Security Sales Department trying to salvage the deal. Well thats exactly what happened. A Sales Rep called apologizing and kissing My ass making a string of excuses and bullshit reasons for The No Show. I told the Rep that on a professional level if their Tech can’t make a simple appointment then I have lost any/all faith in their ability to protect a pile of shit. Second the unprofessional manner ( a pet peeve of mine is anyone I’m doing business with to act in an unprofessional) in which the situation was handled pissed me off to no end on a personal level. Finally I ended the conversation by informing said Rep that their word of mouth campaign is working the only issue is the word of mouth is that their a shitty company with shittier customer service.

We have since contracted a different and far, far superior Alarm Company to help protect Our Home Offices so alls well that ends well, and FUCK SUPER SONIC SECURITY in Their UNPROFESSIONAL ASSES.

Thanks For The Read

Les Sober

The Hell if I should Know??!

Hmmmm…. I’m bored and full of insomnia so I thought hey why not write a blong. These are supposed to probably be full of topic and full of relevant thoughts, but I really don’t have one of those right now. This week I am enigma. So anyway I keep having all these freaky weird ass dreams about people I went to high school with. There are fat girls from my high school class getting venegance on the teachers. Ethnic warfare and preppie kids getting teared apart to smithereens. Guess those are the dreams we have when we don’t head off to our lame high school reunions. Thank god too I think I’d rather swallow my own vomit.

Well those are some of the thoughts that make no sense. Tori Tori Tori Tori!!! Where are you? You were Tamasi! Where are you now?

Oh jesus and when we finally thought the drama stopped the drama called. And I answered. Oh wow!!! It was insane. I thought drama left me at the bus station last week. Well the casino. You probably know. And now there is this slurping. Oh that is some porn I forgot about 30 minutes ago. Slups don’t go well with Tori. Her concerts were never sponsored by Hoover. Thats gotta go. okay it gones. now im in bliss again.

I hope drama doesnt come to my window. It used to come there in high school a lot. But we liked doing headers into my window. That was like initation. into my lair. hahahaha.

I wish I was in the mosh pit. Break my skull. Drama poof away. But she lurks nearby. The moon is not full but the crazies still saunter on by. oh hold on. time to lock the doors and shut the lights. Hurricane Tina is comin by we need to board this bitch up!

okay that is done now. Another call from the other side of the galaxy will be comin’ in. Right in about 12 minutes. 120 it calls. I’d rather be having a psychic vibe with a lover and not a friend, not the hurricane. It rings rings rings. So yeah um back to my dreams I think that was what I started babbling about.

But I’m done. I cant stop whats coming. not even you. cant stop cant stop whats coming, cant stop what is on its way.

she’s less than sure if her heart has come to stay in san jose
and her neverborn child haunts her now
as she speeds down the freeway
as she tries her luck with the traffic police
out of boredom more than spite
she never finds no trouble, she tries too hard
she’s oblivious despite herself

she looks like eva marie saint
in on the waterfront, she says
all she needs is therapy
all you need is love is all you need
ah-ahh

i hope no one dies on my freeway tonight. last year they did on this day. im numb to that pain tonight, i made sure to close my channels. if all that can circle this day is the torch of pain, then i make sure to light my candle in the wind. drown it out. drown it out. try to figure out which puzzles we need to piece together again and which ones we need to burn in eternal hell. adieu.

By SpaceDog