Tag: dark humor

For Shits and Giggles : Where’s The Baby

So another motherfucking Monday is upon us trying to monopolize the course of our week! So to combat the bullshit here is todays FYB post featuring WHERE’S THE BABY by Spine_apples who describes their work as “shitty animation man”. I say their because I don’t think just because the word “man” appears in the quote that it’s an indicator to the sex of the animator. Anyway this 1 minute and 42 seconds of insane absurdity (that granted has a surprisingly funny but kind of grim ending) should serve as a fucking  universal public service announcement for all parents currently on the planet.

PSA: DEAR PARENTS THIS IS HOW THE REST OF THE WORLD SEES YOU. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS SO CUT THE CRAP.

Later,

Justine Sane

The Return Of THE TEXPOCALYPSE!

It’s been a Long while to Say the Least since We have had a Textpocolypse, and Honestly it’s Overdue. The Textpocolypse Posts are some of the (Insane, Obscene, and Absurd) Text Exchanges between Our Dear Friend and Partner in Crime Spacedog and Our Defacto Leader Les Sober. So without a Further A Due lets get to it.

Spacedog: Oh no your fetus is exhibiting very cult like behavior.

Les: Umm…it must be Jim Jones Syndrome. Fetal Cult Like Behavior is the Kid Brittany’s Kid?! LOL fuck Her…Apparently most of NJ Has.

Spacedog: I think you are the only straight man that’s fucked her that isn’t dead or institutionalized LOL.

Les: I know talk about dodging a Bullet! Her cunt is Cursed, its Abortion Central No Fetus can survive THE WOMB OF DOOM! What in Your opinion would constitute an “Excessively Small Penis”? I’m wondering it was in a Police Report on this HBO crime Documentary Series, and its been Bouncing around in My Brain ever since.

Spacedog: Excessively to me is under 4-4.5 inches. Kinda the same as what I consider an excessively small person but feet for them.

Les: Ok I was wondering since Micro Penis is more commonly as a Baby Dick. So Excessively Small was a bit vague as far as I was and am Concerned.

Spacedog: My personal definition is the point at where the penis to me no longer feels sexy and begins to make me feel uncomfortable. My body lets me know because I become extremely ticklish LOL. At what point does a tit become big?

              

Les: Somewhere between Hung and Monster Cock???

Spacedog: I said TIT. Your definitely thinking bout cock more than me tonight LOL.

Les: My Bad I’ll ask My Wife…..

Spacedog: I mean like would 30dd be a big tit regardless of who it was on? Like a midget? an 8 year old? I mean I just would say they had unfortunate tits.

Les: My Wife said once a titty reaches the size of a 9 month old Baby’s Head it’s Big, and apparently from there the Titty Size equates to how much they hurt the Woman’s Back.

              

(* a Minute or Two goes by)

Les:CORRECTION: I relayed the Facts Wrong it’s not a 9 month Old Baby’s head it is in Fact that of a Full Grown Adult. My Bad. Sorry I’m still stuck on the Excessively Small Dick Definition. Does Width Factor in its Excessive Smallness? Example: 3″ prick and the Width/Circumference of a #2 Pencil? AND if So is that the Origin of the Insult of calling someone a Pencil Dick as in “Hey Pencil Dick Move Out of the Way. AND if that does having a 2” dick with the Width/Circumference of a Pencil be where the Insult Pin Dick came from, like “Brittany is a Pin Dick Bug Fucker”???  We have reached a Whole New Level of Dick Jokes or Genital Jokes if You will.

               

Spacedog: I think pencil dick can be a pencil dick regardless of length. I used to joke about my friend fucking me was like shoving some Angel hair pasta up my ass and his dick was 8 inches.

Les: Skinny Dick Syndrome.

Spacedog: I’m doing my first grocery pickup. Ugh. Not that I’m afraid of getting Infected by someone breathing on my car, but I really dred much human interaction. All for some kombucha and epic meat bars LOL!

Les: Grocery Pick Up is Dope, We have done it several times. COVID or No COVID I dread having interactions with Other People so No Change Here Lmfao. Epic Meat Bars? WTF are They and Where can I get some? Seriously if that’s a Thing I’m in.

(*Spacedog Texts Link to EPIC Provisions and Their Bar Variety Pack featuring a 10 Bar Pack featuring Bison, 2 Varieties of Chicken, Venison, 2 Varieties of Beef, Lamb, Turkey, Uncured Bacon, and Wild Boar.)

Spacedog: They had 2 of these at shoprite.

                

Les: What constitutes a Monster Clit? I figure 3 inches because thats the size You could Safely hang Your Keys On. My Wife said around 2″ and I called bullshit. She then pulled the fucking I have One Card and Now its a Monster Clit Standoff. Some shit You just can’t Google. Whoa hot damn they got some serious Variety I like that Wild Boar that’s Wild. BISON! Now I can Eat like a goddamn Cowboy.

Spacedog: I mean isn’t a standard clit at least an Inch? I examined a nice one before but it wasn’t so small I needed a monocle. The most daring I go at shoprite was Venison. so I’m doooooomed I have been avoiding pickup of food for months. So my parents and sister are all like pickup pickup so I finally am tomorrow. In the middle of a Tropical Storm. It’s a bad sign kinda like seeing a gaping hole before you are about to fuck someone. Also how the fuck is it the F storm already? I’ve not been paying attention.

               

Les: Tropical Storm in NJ that’s fucked up all I’m saying is when I lived there We never had a anything close to a Tropical Storm. I though that shit was reserved for fucking Florida and all that shit. We sat through God fucking knows how many Hurricanes living in the Glorified Swamp called Florida. Grades 1 through 3 aren’t so Bad really, but the time We had a Category 4 that shit was fucking Unnerving as hell. It was one of the very few times in My Life I thought I just might Die.

Spacedog: Anyway Jersey now has a “covid controversy”. My mom’s friend’s grandkids baby momma went to Florida and the one chick said she was infected going to work, but the other lady said its not true. I hope the first lady is wrong I like the second lady I’d rather pot brownie Kathy not die LOL

Les; People are such self absorbed assholes. If You went to fucking Florida which is currently a COVID Plagued Swamp in the First Place You’re a fucking Idiot. If You even think that You might be Infected STAY THE FUCK HOME. Period. LONG LIVE POT BROWNIE KATHY! I though NJ was making Everyone Quarantine for 14 Days before being allowed to enter the State. Not sure why the fuck anyone would want to go to NJ for anything is beyond Me. I have a Relative that needs to head back to NJ to check in on a Bunch of Projects and other various bullshit, and While They understand the NJ Quarantine They still Don’t like it. It adds 2 weeks where You can’t do Dick but sit around Your fucking House so it Royally fucks up Their Timeline.

              

Spacedog: This is some self entitled bitch who the minute her kid popped out of her pussy was all like btw I never loved you to the husband I just wanted a kid. Yeah that kind of blows. I hope my old aunt and uncle in Myrtle Beach are okay. Fuck my cousins they are a bunch of trumpers, I’m sure their guns and booze will protect them. At least in NJ she won’t have to be thinking about 2 out of every 10 people she sees have COVID.

Les: What a Cunt and a Perfect Reason NOT to have a fucking Kid. That Kid is gonna have some serious fucking issues with a WHore of a Mom like that. If Your Cousin’s Guns and Booze Don’t Work They can Drink Bleach, Inject Lysol, Shove UV Lights up Their Asses, or They can go the Asshole Evangelical Route and Claim They are Protected from COVID because They are Bathed in the Blood of Christ. Well if COVIDIOTS like Her keeping getting into NJ regardless of the Quarantine Protocol She very well might have to deal with a 2 in 10 Infection Ratio Sooner or Later. Thrupers and Other COVIDIOTS Here are Changing Their Tune BIG TIME, We went from “Fuck Masks” to 95% or Higher Now Wearing Masks. Why You Ask? Its because You can’t Deny or Down Play COVID once the Infection Rate Grows to the Point People and Their Friends, Family, and Co-Workers are Contracting COVID. Ignorance is Bliss Until It’s Obliterated by the Facts/Truth.

           

Spacedog: Yeah once it gets like NY/NJ which it is now most people tend to freak the fuck out especially when they are dead. Why waste a Prayer on the Born Again Bullshitters when you can call bishop chip (Link Enclosed: lutheranorthodoxchurch.org) that would be my cousin. He’s also the one with the corpse bride and the kid with fetal alcohol syndrome. Ok I should stp now LOL. Eh the 4th wife was a keeper. Trump is up to a 67% disapproval rating and not looking good for anything other then him screaming rigged 456.348 billion times between now and January. The .348 is factoring in his mini-strokes.

Les: Goddamn Dead People always Freaking the hell Out the fucking Drama Queen Corpses that They are. Toddler Trumpy is going to Rage Shit His Shorts, 67% disapproval Honestly I thought it be Higher since Trumpy is suck a Fucking Fuck Up Motherfucker. .348 Mini Strokes, That would be Epically Awesome and I hope it would be while He’s on Camera the Obeses Orange Asshole LMFAO!!!

SpaceDog: They actually had 5 minutes trump slurring his words like he’s having a stroke montage on MSNBC early morning. I’m pretty sure they do shit like that purposely to fuck with him cuz they know he’s watching. I wanna start a q-anon rumor that the real purpose of the Lincoln Project is not just to defeat trump, but that they are cloning Lincoln to be a Democrat.

              

Les: That’s fucking Awesome montage and must have been fucking Hilarious. Ah Trumpy You Feeble Minded Mush Mouthed Old Man with the World’s Shittiest Spray Tan. If MSNBC is going all Lincoln Project on Trumpy’s Fragile Ego I would have more Respect for Them thats for Sure.

Spacedog: Oh no it was replayed from the daily show now that I think about it.

Les: YES! I have thought about fucking with the Miniscule Minds of the MAGAssholes Q-Anon Conspiracy cocksuckers too! It must be a fucking sign that We must fuck with Trumpy Supporting Idiotic Assholes.

Spacedog: But yeah every morning Joe Scarborough usually goes to a single camera shot saying “Well Donald…” So trump literally the First Person ever with Dementia where the TV really is Talking to Him.

               

Les: That’s cool I’m a Fan of The Daily Show. HOLY FUCKING SHIT Trumpy’s Dementia and His TV Obsession Collide!!! I can’t stop Laughing! GODDAMN LMFAO!

Spacedog: So I just noticed something about that page of my cousin I sent you. He must be loaded I noticed that he is CEO pf the “Lutheran Orthodox” Church. My cousin invented a church. I may not believe a word he says but that was Genius.

Les: That shows how fucked up things are Today that fucking Church’s have fucking CEOs. Thats basically Admitting Churches are Businesses just like any Other Corrupt Corporation.

           

That’s All For Now Anyways.

Thanks For Reading,

By    Les Sober & Spacedog 

No One Care What The Hell You Had For Lunch.

Social Media has been a crucial tool since its creation that has Contributed to the Ever Growing Societies’s  Egotistical Idiocy. Tech has/had unlimited potential, But People became Addicted to Social Media and its False Sense of Importance. People actually think ANYONE gives a flying fuck what They had for Lunch?! Yet People Post Pictures of Their Lunch likes its the most Awe Inspiring Event of Their fucking Lives.

The One Aspect in the Social Media’s Dumbing Down of America that’s Never Mentioned is the Personal “Status Updates” that People love to Use like there’s No Tomorrow (Facebook being the Number one Offender). You know what I’m talking about it’s those Pre Written Idle Bullshit like “Linda is Loving Life”, “Matt is at Starbucks”, or “Phil changed His Relationship Status to It’s Complicated.” that Users have come to Rely on.

              

Again Who fucking Cares How You Feel every Minute of the Goddamn Day?! You’re Not Nearly That Special. That’s the trick of Social Media it makes You feel far more Important than You actually Ever will be in all likelihood.

It’s the Utter Distain and Unfathomable Contempt for such Social Media Drivel is the Reason I have created a New (More Honest and Way More Realistic) List Status Updates. Enjoy.

  • Barry is Currently having Wild Sex with a Goat.
  • Louis is Busy Cooking Meth
  • Chuck is watching Hardcore German Porn.
  • Dave has Explosive Diarrhea.
  • Warren is Donating Sperm Again.
  • Linda is Hungover as Hell and Projectile Vomiting.
  • Francis is Window Shopping on Amazon like an Asshole.
  • Quinn is Writing Erotic Stories about a Nun and an Alter Boy.
  • Rex is considering a Career as a Urologist.
  • Aron is a Closet Nazi.

              

  • Gill is Bidding on an Antique Chastity Belt on eBay.
  • Luke is Ordering a Mail Order Bride from Croatia.
  • Marry is Doomsday Prepping for the Apocalypse.
  • Richard is Googling How to Preform an At Home Prostate Exam.
  • Will is Surfing the Dark Web for a Hitman.
  • Jerry is Busy Manscaping.
  • Blair is having a Heavy Flow Day.
  • Arnold Believes Pimping Ain’t Easy.
  • Kelly just woke up in a Pool of Her Own Vomit.
  • Zelda is Wondering Why Animal Assholes and the Opening is Soda Lids look the Same.

              

  • Brittany just tried Anal Sex for the First Time.
  • Valerie is Waxing Everything.
  • Billy is Ordering Asian Sex Toys Online.
  • Beth is Considering getting into Porn.
  • Shelby is Eating a Shit Sandwich.
  • Florence is working on Her New Fuzzy Costume for The Furry Ball.
  • Steve is Tripping Balls on Some Insane Blotter Acid.
  • Francine is Getting Furiously Finger Fucked.
  • Larry is imagining what it’s like to Titty Fuck Bob’s Man Boobs.
  • Rick just made an Appointment to get His Taint Tattooed.=

              

  • Carl can’t Handle is Booze.
  • Scott Tried Smoking Crack and Loved it.
  • Alice took a Massive Shit and is Looking at it Now.
  • Nick is Writing Shit on a Bathroom Wall.
  • Gill is refilling His Prescription for Viagra at The Pharmacy.
  • Travis is making All Natural Hand Made Tampons for His Wife.
  • Racheal is Learning How to Taxidermy and Practicing on Roadkill.
  • Sam is practicing making Balloon Animals Using His Dick.
  • Zander Enjoys Hot Sauce Enemas.
  • Albert is a Colonicholic.

              

  • Alice is starting a Flea Circus due to a Vaudeville Fetish.
  • Blair Farted and it smells like She Needs a Proctologist.
  • Stan just Shit Himself standing in Line at a Fast Food Restaurant.
  • Ralph is Thinking of Purchasing a High End Sex Doll for Christmas.
  • Stella is Contributing to the Delinquency of a Minor behind WaWa.
  • Freddy is Attending a Family Reunion Where He’s the Creepy Uncle.
  • Stacy still Wets the Bed Weekly.
  • Benny was Banging an Inflatable Sex Doll and it Exploded Blowing off Both His Balls.
  • Nina is becoming Sexually Aroused watching Animals have Sex in a Nature Documentary.
  • Walt is Listening to Anal Cunt’s Greatest Hits.

              

  • Trent is Reading the Current Copy of Guns & Ammo at His Grandmother’s Funeral
  • Tiffany is Coated Head to Toe in KY Jelly.
  • Robbie is Wondering if Sex with a 3rd Cousin Removed Constitutes Incest.
  • Ken is Hiring a Prostitute.
  • Karen is Scoring Drugs Right Now in a Shitty Neighborhood.
  • Eddie is on Psychedelics and Hiding from a Plate of French Fries.
  • Bart just lost a Staring Contest with a Bowl of Oatmeal.
  • Dominic is Sucking off the Band Hanson Backstage.
  • Annie is Considering getting into Fisting.
  • Paula is having Sex in a Coffin to see if Necrophilia is for Her.

              

  • Vivian is Popping Pain Killers and Downing Them with Whiskey.
  • Holly is Polishing Her Nipple Clamp Collection.
  • Herbert is a German Cannibal.
  • Taylor is paying for Collage with the Money He made in Porn as a Stunt Cock.
  • Ryan is Measuring His Dick.
  • Stewart is trying to Figure Out if occasionally peeking at Another Man’s Pecker at the Urinal makes Him Gay.
  • Tiffany is Bleaching Her Asshole because She’s about to get Back into the Dating World.
  • Gary is Cat fishing His Sister.
  • Olga Thinks Hand Jobs are Outdated.
  • Jillian has a Habit of Humping the Homeless.

           

  • Bart got His Dick Stuck in a Swedish Penis Pump.
  • Becky thinks Lindsey Her Best Friend is kinda of a Cunt.
  • Eloise is on the Way to the Emergency Room with a Ruptured Breast Implant.
  • Diana has a Surgically Reconstructed Asshole.
  • Ari is getting Botox Treatments for His Scrotum Wrinkles.
  • Peter is walking His Dog and Watching as it Takes a Shit.
  • Deloris just crapped so Hard She Prolapsed Her Asshole.
  • Sue is Sniffing Glue getting a White Trash High.
  • Dale is making Wind Chimes out of Natty Ice Cans to Sell in the Local Trailer Parks.
  • Gabby Ate Her Inner Child.

                

  • Henry is Growing Shitty Ditch Weed in His Attic.
  • Donovan is in Reddit Chats while Wearing His Grandmother’s Underwear.
  • Jake shot a Man just to Watch Him Die, But Got Distracted and Missed it.
  • Reese got His Dick Stuck in a Chinese Finger Trap He won at the County Fair.
  • Lucy is in Love with an Alcoholic Carnie that reminds Her of Her Dad.
  • Reggie is walking around is House looking for Things He can Use to Improvise a Cock Ring.
  • Selma had Her Stomach Pumped just for the Experience.
  • Trina is Reading About Historic Safe Sex Methods/Practices.
  • Brittany is having Her 17th Abortion.
  • Oliver May Have Been Abducted by Aliens and Extensively Anal Probed.

              

Thanks For Reading,

  By Les Sober

(Posted @ 1:37am)

Saying “Let Me Let You Go” Is Fucking Lame

One of My Best Friends from High School, and only one of a few People I kept in Touch Sporadically through out the Years was Bluejetski (Sad to Say Bluejetski Passed Fairly Recently). Something We had in common was We both were in Agreement People do Absurd Shit without even thinking, or at Least Thinking it Through. A Prime Example was that on of the Most Common Absurd things that People do is End Phone Conversations by Saying “Well Let Me Let You Go…..” which is Utterly Ridiculous.

If I’m the one Ending the fucking Phone Call then Why am I acting like the Person I’m talking to said They had to Go?! Also whenever Someone says “Let Me Let You Go…..” They explain what it is They have to Do Now, and that’s the Reason They’re Ending the Call. If You think about it for a Second it makes Much more Sense to say the Alternative “I Have To Go…..” since it’s Far more Accurate a Statement.

            

Luckily on of the Reasons Bluejetski and I were Friends in the First Place was We shared the same Absurdly Bizarre and Extremely Dark sense of Humor. So in this Case We decided as Far as We were Concerned We would always Opt for “I have to Go” over “Let Me Let You Go”, but that wasn’t all Not by a Long Shot. Next We Launch an Unofficially Official Who can Top Who with the Reason We had to Go. Since Blujetski’s Untimely Demise I’ve reflected on Our Unique Friendship to say the Least. Thus I decided to Type up a Mock List as an Example(s) of the Weird Shit We Said to Each other over Our 27 Year Friendship.

Here We Go: “I Have To Go…..”

  • I Just Farted Blood.
  • I shit so hard I Prolapsed My Rectum.
  • My Grandfather just Spontaneously Combusted.
  • My Cat Just Ate My Dog.
  • I got my Dick stuck in My Bong.
  • My Grandmother just Transformed into My Grandfather.
  • The Aliens are Here and want to get on with the Probing.
  • I was holding a Seance and Now all My Dead Relatives are here.
  • I just made Jam out of a Jellyfish.
  • A Bear is raping a Rabbit in My back Yard.

 

  • I accidentally Disemboweled  Myself.
  • The Acid I took just Kicked and I being chased by French Fries.
  • A Dingo Ate My Baby. (Hats off to You if You get That Reference)
  • Satan is Calling.
  • Just started a New Crack Addiction.
  • I have to Pawn My Great Grandfather’s Gold Teeth.
  • I have to call 911 I was Masturbating and the Cock Ring is Stuck.
  • I was reading a Porn Magazine and got a Paper cut on My Cock.
  • I have to put a VooDoo curse on My Neighbors thats gives them all Herpies.
  • Jesus is calling Me Home I’m running Late.

  • I have to go watch Debbie does Nova Scotia (Hats Off if You get that Reference.
  • Stepped on a Needle at the Jersey Shore and Now am Addicted to Heroin.
  • I have to Jump Up My own Butt and Die.
  • I’m having a Way to Near Near Death Experience.
  • My Pet Hamster got Aids.
  • I have to Lobotomize a Stray Cat.
  • Drive the Sheep to the Sheep Fuckers Union Meeting.
  • I’m going to a Circle Jerk Hosted by an Octopus.
  • I have to Call Cthulhu (Hots off again if You get That Reference)
  • I have to find a Hooker with Grabs because I want Seafood, but I’m Broke.

 

  • I have to Impale My Boss.
  • I just Passed Go and Didn’t Collect $200.
  • Because a Riot Doesn’t start on its own.
  • A chicken thinks My Balls are Eggs and Won’t get off My Lap.
  • Have to Eat Pork’n Beans in Hell.
  • To Prove I’m a Real Man by Wiping My Ass with Barbwire.
  • I’m gonna try jerking off with Sandpaper.
  • I didn’t look both ways before crossing the Street.
  • A Bus Full of Nuns just Exploded Outside My House.
  • Forgot to Buy Fertilizer for My Mom’s Garden so I have to go Shit in It.

            

  • Going to Populate Antartica.
  • I fucked My Girlfriends brains Out and Now I have to figure out how to put them back in.
  • I have to figure out what to do with all these Dead Ninjas.
  • I have to Wax on Wax Off.
  • Join a Boy Band and Kill Myself.
  • I have to Eat Shit.
  • I have to get My Fuck Flying because I don’t give One.
  • I was scratching My ass and Accidentally Fisted Myself.
  • Have to Gargle with Broken Glass.
  • See about Aborting My Uncle.

           

  • I just went completely Deaf.
  • I give a Shit, But I don’t give a fuck.
  • Chuck Norris is here and wants to throw down.
  • Need to hold onto a blade of Grass to keep from falling off the Planet.
  • I have to go throw Airplane Liquor Bottles at My Alcoholic Aunt.
  • Have to get going on a Old Fashioned Bender.
  • I just turned inside Out.
  • ME, Myself, and I are in a Fight.
  • Swallow a Sword and shit a Dagger.
  • My head wasn’t fastened On so I Lost it.

  • My Brain fell out of My Ear and Rolled under the Refrigerator.
  • I have to train My Flea Circus because We’re going on a Tour.
  • Breed My Captive Platypuses.
  • I bought Guam so I have to Fill out a shit ton of Paperwork.
  • My Tapeworm is Hungry.
  • I got so High (aka Stoned) I can see My House from Here.
  • My brother is on PCP in the Backyard Kicking the shit out of a Squirrel.
  • I have to Try Bud Dry. (Hots off if You get that Reference)
  • Get in a Shouting Match with a Mute.
  • There Nazis on the Moon and Someone has to Stop them.

  • Moving to Chernobyl to see if I gain any Super Powers.
  • I have an Appointment to Pierce and Tattoo My Taint.
  • My 4th Cousin Removed needs an Exorcism.
  • I ate Shit and will Now Die.
  • Hack My Robots Brain to see what it’s Thinking.
  • Spear Fish in the Pond at the Local Golf Course.
  • Go to the Community Pool and Throw Rocks at People.
  • About to get into a Knife Fight with a Homicidal Hobo.
  • I’m converting to Cannibalism and a Tasty looking Jogger just went by.
  • I have to Just Say No. (Yup Hats Off if  You got that Reference)

           

  • I have to go fuck Myself.
  • I got to start cooking a Rack of Spam.
  • I’ve gone Temporarily Insane, But I’ll Be Ok by Monday.
  • I got High on My own Supply.
  • I’m going to Start Some Anarchy in the UK (Hots off Reference)
  • Because I have something I need to do The Day After Yesterday.
  • I lost My fucking Marbles so I replaced them with Tiddly Winks and its not working out well.
  • I Assumed and made an Ass out of You and Me.
  • Disgraced My Family and am going to Commit Ritual Suicide as Penance.
  • I have to go See a Man about a Widget.

           

  • I just got Confirmation I’m going to be on Jerry Springer.
  • My Trailer Park is on Fire.
  • I’m upgrading from Double to Triple Wide.
  • My Government Cheese Just Arrived.
  • I’m throwing a Red Roof Party.
  • I just went on the Deep Web and Drowned.
  • I have to Pick My Teeth with a Razor Blade.
  • I’m not going Grave Robbing I’m Grave Spelunking.
  • Death comes to those who Wait and I’ve been on Hold Forever.
  • I just Projectile Vomited so I need to make sure I’m not Possessed.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober  

A Bedtime Story For Adults Only

This Little Diddy was brought to My Attention by My Brother’s Good Friend Paul a few Days ago. As I mentioned My brother was in Town and He invited a Few of His Friends Along with Him. Some of the People where a My Brother’s High School Partner in Crime Ethan and His Wife who just had Their first Baby just 4 Months prior to the Trip.

The thing that Truly Sucks about Your Friends having Kids is on One Hand You’re obviously Psyched as Hell for Them as becoming Parents is an Awe  Inspiring Life Changing Event. Not to mention in loo of the Anxiety of Bring a New Life into the World They’re Happy as All Get Out about experiencing the Miracle of Birth First fucking Hand.

        

The Flip Side of the Coin is it makes Hanging Out difficult and Rather Boring as EVERYTHING They will talk about is fucking Baby Related. There’s the Baby’s Sleep Schedule, Feeding Schedule, Baby Gear, Baby Books/Articles, Baby Development, Baby Health Issues, Baby Blogs/Vlogs, Baby Achievements (such as Rolling the fuck Over for example), and EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEIR STORIES IS ABOUT THE GODDAMN KID.

       

So Everyone was mingling around on the Front Porch just Killing Time and the Talk (as it does 98% of the time when hanging with New Parents) quickly turned to Their Baby and Baby Shit in General. Thats when Paul busted this Little Bit of Sunshine to Brighten Our Day. It Served as a Small Reminder that Not Everything about Being Parents is Boasting about Their Baby. Babies are Cute but They can Drive You to the Point of Actual Madness. The Trick I’m Told is Surviving the First 3 Months which are HELL AND A HALF, but if You can Keep Enough of Your Sanity in Tact after the Initial 90 Days Your quality of Life Greatly Improves.

       

The following Video is the Story Go The Fuck To Sleep by Author Adam Mansbach, Illistrated by Ricardo Cortes, and Read by No Other than Mr. Samuel L. Jackson.

Warning: The Following Video Contains Strong Language and Excessive Use of the “F”  Word that Some Viewers May Find Offensive!

Enjoy.

We Hope You Enjoyed Tonight’s Bedtime Tale as Much as We Do.

Thanks for Reading/Viewing/Listening,

 Presented by Les Sober

FYB’s Friday Midnight Movie: Multiple Maniacs (1970)

Tonight FYB is Proud to Present John Water’s Black Comedy Horror Film “MULTIPLE MANIACS”!!!

The Movie  Cult Classic MULTIPLE MANIACS was  Composed, Filmed, Edited, Written, Produced, and Directed by  Indie Film Icon and the so called KING OF FILTH  John Waters!!!  MULTIPLE MANIACS one of Waters’s Earlier Films and, it was also His Second Feature Length Film. Waters Became Prominent in the 1970’s for His Transgressive Cult Films.

        

Waters Early Films were CAMPY Movies that Presented EXAGGERATED Characters in OUTRAGEOUS Situations with HYPERBOLIC DIALOGUE. They also Railed Hard Against the Boundaries of Conventional Propriety and Movie Censorship. Waters Films have Landed Him in Court 53 Times on Obscenity Charges during His Early Career. Waters has Stated that He takes an Equal amount of Joy and Influence from High-Brow “Art” Films and Sleazy Exploitation Films alike. The Title MULTIPLE MANIACS is Waters Tribute to The Godfather of Gore Herschel Gordon Lewis (Who’s Movie THE WIZARD OF GORE was Happily Posted Previously on FYB!)

        

Polt Summery: Divine Owns and Operates a Free Show know as The CAVALCADE OF PERVERSION an Exhibition of Various PERVERSIONS,  FETISH Acts, and OBSCENITIES like “The Puke Eater” for Example.

At the End of Every Show, Divine comes out and Robs the Audience at Gunpoint, BUT when Divine becomes Bored with Plain Old Strong Arm Robbery She decides to MURDER THE AUDIENCE instead of just Robbing Them.

Unfortunately for Divine Her Lover Mr. David is Unfaithful. Tipped off by a Local Bartender Divine sets off in a Rage to Confront Her the Cheating Mr.David., BUT She is Attacked along the Way by Two Glue Sniffing Low Life Punks.

        

While Divine is contemplating Her Attack THE INFANT OF PRAGUE appears and takes Her to a Near by Church to Pray. As Divine is Praying She is Seduced by a Strange Young Woman, and end up having a Sexual Encounter in one of the Church Pews. During Their Sexual Liaison The Strange Woman sticks a Rosary up Divines Ass while simultaneously Describing the Stations of the Cross.

The New Lovers head out to Hunt Down Mr. David and His Mistress to Kill Them both Once and For All, Yet Mr David and His Mistress have already Fled having Realized Their Only way to Survive is to Kill Divine. This Leads the Characters into One HELL OF A VIOLENT STAND OFF SHOW DOWN KILL FILLED SPECTACULAR!

After the Showdown an Exhausted Divine collapses onto a Couch and is then Raped by a GIANT LOBSTER Named LOBSTORA. Then Divine mumbles “You’re a Maniac Now, Divine” as She wrecks a Car, and then sets out Wandering the Streets of Baltimore Killing Everyone She Possible Can. This leads to the Arrival of the National Guard who Surround Divine and……Well You’ll have to Wait and See!

       

WARNING!!! THE FOLLOWING FILMS CONTAINS SEENS OF GRAPHIC VIOLENCE AND STRONG SEXUAL SUBJECT MATTER THAT SOME VIEWERS MAY FIND OFFENSIVE, OBJECTIONABLE, DISTURBING, REVOLTING, SICKENING OR UNNERVING. AS ALWAYS AT FYB: VIEWER DISCRETION IS STRONGLY ADVISED. FYB BELIEVES NO ONE UNDER THE AGE OF 21 SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO VIEW THIS FILM EVEN WITH ADULT SUPERVISION. Enjoy.

We Hope to You Enjoyed Tonights Midnight Madness and Freaky Film as much as We Did. Goodnight and Sleep Tight.

Thanks for Reading/Viewing,

  Presented By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis:Professional People Watcher (41/365)

Without saying another word  Dizzy went  bounding up the Stairs towards the Unresponsive Junkie. Once He reached the Junkie he shoved Him to one side and as the Junkie slumped to the right Dizzy literally stepped over the Junkies shoulder. Dizzy took a second to light a cigarette before placing His boot between the Junkie’s shoulder Blades, and shoved Him unceremoniously down the flight of Stairs.

The Junkie came tumbling down Ass over Elbows in a Flurry of Flailing Limbs finally hitting the Landing were Lee was standing. The Junkie lay there in a crumpled pile like a Wad of Chewed Up Bubble Gum. Lee frozen momentarily in Shock as He stared down at the Junkie wondering what the fuck He should do about it.  Lee definitely wasn’t about to call the fucking Cops that’s for sure They’d just give Dizzy and Him a Hard Time Hassling Them Unnecessarily because They weren’t Happy about cleaning Up and After a Scummy Junkie. Lee did wonder if He should at least call 911 and have some Medical Professionals handle it. Lee also wasn’t sure if He Should He say anything and just continue to follow Dizzy to His Apartment?!

       

“If You’re afraid He’s Dead check His pulse or see if He’s still breathing. I assure You He’s fucking Fine.” Dizzy said with total confidence. Lee glanced up at Dizzy who was leisurely taking Prolonged drags of His Cigarette with an air of Boredom.

Lee landed over and gingerly took hold of one of the Junkies wrists and was relieved to feel a Pulse and Not a Fresh Corpse. The Junkie suddenly let out a Low and Hollow Moan that startled the hell out of Lee and made Him Jump back away from the Junkie’s contorted body that lay only a few feet from Him. Lee could hear Dizzy Laughing deeply as if He had just heard the funniest fucking Joke ever Told. Lee shot Dizzy a “Fuck You” Scowl as He failed to find the Humor in the Situation.

       

“I fucking TOLD YOU, I told You He was Fit as a Fiddle. A Dope Addicted Fiddle that just fell Head long down a Flight of Stairs it’s a bit fucked up but Fine in General.” Dizzy Said with a Calm Confidence.

Lee slid past the Battered Body of the Junkie and resumed His Journey to Dizzy’s Apartment. Lee was annoyed that Dizzy hadn’t given Him any sort of Heads Up about the Living Conditions located in the Confines of This Skid Row Style Hotel. Lee didn’t harbor any Empathy for the Junkie He just wish He had been made aware so He wouldn’t have to worry about being fucked with by the Cops or Possible Arrested Himself. Thats the exact kind of bullshit He didn’t need in His life Lee kept telling Himself over and over again in His Head until He realized Dizzy was Still Talking as They went.

        

“You want to know HOW I knew that Junkie fuck was just Fine and Dandy? I’ll tell You it’s quite simple You see it like a Car Crash. If your about to inevitable be in an Auto Accident They say the Best thing to do is Go Limp. Which goes against EVERY Natural Instinct for Self Preservation instilled in Humans since Day One. If You try and Brace Yourself say by putting Your Hands on the Dashboard all Your guaranteeing is if You live that You’ll have Two fucking Broken Arms.”said Dizzy in a Tone of Voice that reminded Lee of an Educational TV Show Narrator.

“Thats some seriously fucked up Real Life Shit right there.” respond Lee flatly as He still hand’t fully come to grips with the whole Junkie incident, and was currently wondering what Other Oddities way lay in wait. Lee generally didn’t give a flying fuck about Anything as long as He knew what it was or what was going On that was all. It seemed like a normal request to Him at any rate.

        

“It’s like when Your watching one of those Extreme Skiers who attempt to Ski down some insane Monstrous Mountains at a fucking 65 degree angel and shit, and then They wipe the fuck out falling Hundreds to Thousands of Feet as You watch Them Flopping around like a Rag Doll. It’s the exact same Principle since initially the Skier is knocked out and thus goes completely Limp. It’s the only way Any of those crazy motherfuckers can do that shit without Dying when They Fall.” said Dizzy ignoring Lee’s suddenly sullen mood.

Be Sure To Tune in for Next Weeks Lactose Intolerant Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (42/365)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober (12:33 am)

So The Other Night Like An Asshole………

So the Other Night I My Wife and I went out to Dinner with a Couple of Friends and Associates. We ended up in the City at some Upscale sort of Trendy place named after a fucking Flower. It wasn’t a Michelin Star restaurant Owned by some Pretentious fucking Chef, but it Definitely did have that air of a Fine Dinning Restaurant to it.

The Food was Fine nothing Spectacular, Yet quite Tasty indeed. When the Check came I decided on a Whim like an asshole to Pick Up he Check. Without looking at the Bill I went for My Wallet, and extracted a Credit Card thus crossing the Point of No Return, That’s due to the fact that Everyone at that point had seen Me go for the Check and All so now at this point They all assumed (as would have I) that I was paying the Bill Period End of Story.

     

I finally after backing Myself into a Financial Corner I looked at the Check to see the Total which was around $400 including Tip (and to be fare there was a GREAT Deal of Drinking Involved as Many a Cocktail met Their demise thanks to Our Throats), and immediately had what the professionals would refer to as “Buyers Remorse”. Well aware I had stuck Myself with the fucking Check, and took a minute to Compose Myself.

I called the fucking Waiter over and He came bounding over like a Peppy Cheerleader fucked a Gazelle, and Our Server was the Bastard Offspring of an Inter-special Fuckfest. As I tried not to fucking go blind thanks to Our Servers insanely White Shirt that there was in fact a Problem with Our Bill. He pleasantly asked what the Problem a tad Condescendingly. That was NOT a Smart thing To Do.

   

I decide right then and there that I have fucking had it, and the last fucking thing I need is some Pretentious Shit Stain of a Server working at a Pompous and Over Rated Restaurant giving Me a fucking Attitude. I then told Him I believe the Mistake was that He didn’t bring out Our Entrees to Suck Us Off delivering The World’s Finest Blow Jobs.

I then informed Him that if He was going to fuck Me He could at least have the fucking common goddamn decency to bring a Tube of Lube to the Table along with the motherfucking Check. I let Him know that if I was aware of what the Bill might have been I would have had a lot More to fucking Drink to Soften the fucking Blow thats for fucking sure.

     

ALSO considering a Chunk of the rather Hefty Bill belonged to the Server via His Tip I then suggested perhaps in fact He should Blow All of Us or at Least a Round of Hand Jobs because after this fucking Fiasco We could all use a fucking Happy Ending.

Just had to get that Out of My Head.

Thank for Reading,

  By Les Sober

The Amazing Adventures of Dr Lisa Lithium Part 1

In a place not far from where you may live a little girl was born many eons ago. The year 1950. Her place of birth though remains a mystery. She was found in a public restroom outside of an unknown Washington Township. All that was found with her was a piece of paper which read, “This is Lilith. We do not want her. In the toilets she shall remain, the sewage that she is.”

She was found by a family named Smith and a family named Jones, though these were not the names the families had come to America bearing. They were the 1950s version of a gay couple; two gay men and two lesbians who after one drunken evening found each other’s truths and married.

The families decided to rename her Lisa Smith. Lilith was not a name they wanted to keep attached to her, with or without the harrowing note. She was named after a longtime friend who knew their truths but had passed away in a horrific boating accident.

Dead Lisa was a bubbly, warm soul who always gave 110% of everything. If you needed a lift she was there. A shoulder to cry on. A hug. A handjob. Anal. Dead Lisa was a bit too ahead of her time and this is ultimately what lead to her untimely demise.

It was so told that while vacationing in the bayous of Mississippi, Lisa and two friends had the unfortunate experience of a foundering motorboat. On top of this, the propeller had completely stopped working. One friend wished that someone could swim and push the boat towards safety. Lisa heard the call and into the water she went.

She was only in the water for about a minute when she emitted a scream. A gator was attacking her. It took a healthy bite out of her shin, not quite taking everything below that but leaving her dangling like a rogue piece of spaghetti not wanting to play with the other spaghettis on the fork.

Amid her agony suddenly the propeller reactivated. Usually this would be a good thing but she had won the Powerball of bad luck. The gator had dragged her directly to it. This was the actual cause of her death, not the gator, but her being motorboated by a motorboat. Just to top things off as she went under it took off all the recognizable features of her face. Her soft lips. Shredded. Her fat pointy little nost. Her green eyes sunken deeper into her skull. Her forehead shredded to the bone.

But enough of Dead Lisa. This is the tale of the living one. She will not be denied.

(Stay tuned for more….)

By SpaceDog

My Inner Child Might Be A Sociopath (Cartoons That Aren’t For Kids Debut)

I was contemplating the Psychological Concept of an Inner Child Today sitting on My front Porch.  The Concept that there lies in All of Us a Part of Our Being that like Peter Pan never Grows Old. This Inner Child is the Part of Us all that Lingers in Eternal Arrested Development regardless of the Physical Aging of Ones Body and Mind.

If I do in Fact have an Inner Child lurking around inside Me somewhere I bet He’s an Odd Little Fellow. I image He’d be rather Introverted and Secretive. Quietly Creating His own Personal form of Chaos.

        

So if My Inner Child exists and is Paying Attention this Post is for You Little Buddy. Enjoy it and Never Change.

(THIS IS A WARNING & REMINDER TO OUR READERS: NOTHING POSTED ON FYB IS MENT OR INTENDED TO BE VIEWED BY CHILDREN. If You Let Your Child/Children (or Anyones Child/Children for that matter) have Access to FYB You’d be considered a Pretty Shitty Parent by Everyone else I Assure You.)

The First CARTOON is called THE SAD MAN by Jake Lava.

Be Careful What You Wish For………

The Second CARTOON is called WHOSE HUNGRY? By David Ochs.

A Dose Of Revenge Infused Poetic Justice………

Thanks for Reading/Watching,

Presented By,

  Les Sober