Tag: dark humor

Not Totally Off The Record

Well it’s been a Year and a fucking Half and,I still have a few Medical Bills I have to get sorted out which is No Big Deal really it just takes some time. As I said before TIME TAKES TIME.

So Monday Night I went to My Local Bar to meet up with My Brother, SpaceDog, and some Mutual Friends for a couple of Drinks. Once We all had arrived We ordered a Couple of Pitchers of Beer and started to Shoot the Shit and Blow off some Steam.

Unbeknownst to Me My Brother had made up His mind to Record Me (Using His fucking Cell Phone at that) when He thinks I’m saying something with Some Sort of fucking Value. What that May or May Not be is left up to His discretion.

       

I can’t be Mad about it in the Least. I constantly tell Myself I should utilize Voice Memos on My Phone to Record ideas as I go on through out My Day. I’m not always near My Laptop (I’m not one of those Assclowns that walk around all fucking Day with Their Laptop tucked under tTheir Arm or in some shitty bag slung over Their shitty shoulder.).

Also there is NEVER a fucking Pen and Paper when You Need it, but thats alright I end up writing shit down on whatever is handy and then promptly loose Them. Cell Phones aren’t always Sufficient and can be Temperamental twats.

So really He’s doing it on My Behalf. This is a Excerpt from what He recorded That Evening. NOTHING has been Added, Deleted, or Embellished. I like this recording because it showcases both sides of My Personality. On one Hand You have the Decent Guy with a Big Heart. On the Other Hand there’s the Sarcastic, Pessimistic, Shit Talking, Opinionated, Rude, Brutally Honest, Anti-Authority, and Offensive Foul Mouthed Asshole.

       

“You, I feel bad ok there two Schools of Thought. You feel bad because I’m not a complete asshole so I feel bad for the Debt Collector because I am aware of what Their day is like dealing with People like Me when I’m acting like Me.

So thats why like I get really fucking indignant when I don’t duck Your phone calls, I’m not procrastinating, I’m not bullshiting, I’m not wasting your time in fact I’m calling you so all I’m saying is I expect you to be cooler because I’m basically walking up to You and going Hey here’s a free present. I’m not going to yell and curse at you. I’m actually calling you because I want to find out how I can pay the bill or a payment method to do so.

What more can a fucking Creditor want?! I mean fucking seriously, fucking seriously. It should should be Their wet Dream. Even this Lady today was great towards the end and shit We were joking these People do have a sense of humor. They really fucking do. They will admit what Their job is asking of You absolutely fucking ridiculous because They Themselves could not fucking do it, and They work for these people.

       

It was all good like I was confused, but that’s from talking to the other people so a that point I had a limited capacity. Um… I was kind of thinking about what My Wife was saying. Admittedly there is some diminished mental capacity at that point, so that’s all I’m going to say thats My only statement. Um… but like right after We got to joking and like everything was  under control as far as I’m fucking concerned things were going great at that point.

I’m like I’m exhausted, I barely know what the fuck is going on, but I got this Lady laughing I haven’t told Her to go fuck her own face  this is going great. And yes I understand there is another second bill…Oh Shit.

+At this point I was unaware of where I was waving My hands and knocked over My Freshly made Rum & Coke+

       

That’s a dead solider right there, but My point is I dressed that with Her so not only have We taken care of 1 account plus what I had already paid the Doctor’s office before I called Her, and We addressed the 3rd account so we should be fine. Like I said everything is going great. I told Her I had to talk to a particular person to acquire the cash to pay off the 3rd account in full in just one singular fucking payment. Pretty goddamn reasonable if you ask Me for someone who’s being contacted by a fucking Collection Agency.

And like I said I realize it’s Her job dude but it’s the quickest way to get Me to FUCKING HATE YOU. It’s like all bets are off I was playing nice, and self justification that if They aren’t playing nice then I DON’T HAVE TO PLAY NICE. This happened when She jumped Me like an parasitic asshole and was like “Oh Well When will You be Talking to That Person? Do you know how much money you can get from this person? Can you get all of the Money from this person? When do you think you can get some money from that person? When can you get all of the money from that person?

       

So I’m like OH YOU CAN SUCK MY DICK because thats just fucking ridiculous. I just fucking did your job and made your day a whole lot easier by one phone call You can go tell Your Boss You settled an account, They paid this initially today, We got a split payment plan for the rest, and I told Him about the 2nd outstanding account He told Me Blah Blah Blah He’s going to make some calls or whatever.

I’m sorry but as far as I’m concerned thats a fucking Win-Win for fucking both of Us. So I just like I know it’s part of Her job, but like You still as a person She has free will so She didn’t actually have to say that.

And if someone had come to Her and been like “Margret You Didn’t ask THE QUESTIONS?!” or whatever the fuck Her name was She could have been like “HEY in all due favor LOOK Payment, Set Up Payment, and addressed payment So You can’t really be mad at Me.” because basically She did her job Great. I got money, I set up getting more money, and Addressed the 3rd Money What do You want from Me so what if I went off script or some shit?!

       

It wouldn’t mean shit to anybody as long as She collected some fucking cash or a Commitment (AKA a Payment Plan) for Payment because lets face it thats all They give a flying fuck about is the Money. So She literally in all actuality even though I am saying it’s Her job I’m making excuses for Her because I don’t think She had to do that. Why become an asshole at the end of a successful phone call?! What fucking purpose could that serve?!

When She did that there was a feeling like Oh Ok now You’re going to slap Me in the fucking face? We just went thorough all this bullshit, We came to a resolution, We’re all Happy and We’re going to shake hands and instead of shaking My hand You’re going to just slap Me in the Face. And then start drilling Me like some insane interrogation Which by the way I’d have to be fucking Psychic to have any sort of answer about future fucking payment.

       

I have no idea when or where I will speak with someone it’s not fucking like “Oh sure I’ll be having Lunch with them in 3 weeks on the 24th at 12:33pm at The Greasy Spoon Diner. I will have a Cheese burger and They will have the Soup of the fucking Day. They will be impeccably dressed as usual. GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK YOU UNREALISTIC ASSHOLE(S).!”

That is were that particular recording was abruptly ended by My Brother.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (5/365)

Lee looked over to catch a quick First Glimpse of the in coming Customer. As it turned out it was in fact was Two Young Gentlemen that looked to be in Their late 20’s, and who were locked in a heated debate over something They both seemed very animate about. Lee sat back and began His observations. Lee had a good feeling about these Two Guys, and anticipated  some quality Entertainment to get the Day off to a running start.

The Two Young Men headed strait to the Dildo Isle where Their argument became much more amplified as Each became more and more Frustrated with the Other. Lee opened a Copy of Some trashy Adult Novel and pretended to read it feigning an aloof ambivalence. This was a common Tactic Lee used to hide the fact He was now Ease Dropping on Shoppers just like He was with these Two Young Men.

   

“Well We can fucking Narrow it Down by Illuminating all the ones that look as Fake, We need to stick to Realism because not even a Psychotic Cannibalistic Necrophiliac would have a Giant Purple Double Headed Cock So there You have it.” Said the Young Guy wearing a pair of Beat Up Sneakers, Old Worn Out Jeans, and a Faded well worn Misfits T-shirt as He relentlessly scanned the Dildo Display (back and forth from End to End) with an intense 1,000 Yard Stare.

“I know BUT look at the fucking prices They’re charging for Fake Rubber Dicks its fucking Really Ridiculous. All I’m saying is I hope these fucking things last just short of Forever for the Price People are Paying.” replied the Second Young Guy in the Camouflage Cargo Shorts, Napalm Death Concert T-shirt, and a pair of Knock Off Crocs.

   

“Look Shane I know money is always an issue with Lester, BUT He goddamn is well aware this will be an unforeseen additional cost. I mean He’s the fucking Director, and this isn’t His first Rodeo not by Far. Lester has been Making B-Horror and Low Budget Sci Fi Films for a Decade at least.” snapped The Guy in The Misfits T-shirt to His Associate who was apparently named Shane.

“I’m aware of the issue at hand Glen,” Shane stated calmly before continuing “Lester wants a Real looking though be it Fake Dick for the Film, and that He also is insanely anal about the Films Budget getting out of Hand. It’s a huge pain in the ass I agree, Yet Lester has a point in the fact that if We go too far over budget the Project gets shut down and shelved  in a  Filmography Warehouse or some other Bizarre shit.”

   

“Well anyway You look at it if Lester wants realism He’ll have to just bite the fucking bullet and kick out the Cash. I mean once again Lester has to be aware that this is a 1 possibly 2 scene prop and thats it. After one or two scenes it’ll be ruined I mean thoroughly thrashed.,” Glen Barked gruffly before launching into a full blow tirade, “The Point is there is the Scene where Eddie is Jacking Off with the aid of a fucking Cheese Grater so one side of the Prop is shot. Not to mention all the Fake Blood is going to be a serious Staining issue, and if We can’t find a way around said staining issue the Prop is totally fucked as soon as We cut. Then even if We pull off the scene avoiding further damaging the Prop that’s only until Linda’s Character Castrates Eddie’s Character. The Prop will literally be Cut in Half so its Not like this is a one time Purchase. This isn’t going to be Lester’s Go To Fake Dick for the rest of His Films because the facts are it’s a one Film 2 Scene Prop at Best.”

   

Tune in Tomorrow for the Next Installment of Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (6/365)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober