Tag: detective

Micro Horror Movie (Sequel Edition) : SMILING WOMAN 6

Welcome to this Weeks Short Horror Film Friday featuring SMILING WOMAN 6 Written and Directed by Alex Magaña, and Co-Produced by Dawn Church. You can Find All Five Previous SMILING WOMAN Films here at FYB in the Movies Category. Each Installment of the SMILING WOMAN Start when a Digital Clock Display clicks over from 1:00 am to 1:01 am. The Premiss Remains the Same Throughout the SMILING WOMAN Series each Unique Installment Brings Us Closer to Discovering Who or What the Smiling Woman Is. When it comes to The SMILING WOMAN Series it Doesn’t take Long to Find its Legs and Take Off Running.

                   

I as Far as I am Aware I coined the Term “Micro Horror Movie” when I posted the One Minute Long “Tuck Me In” by Ignacio Rodo on 1/29/21 (as Part of FYB’s Short Horror Film Friday). The Term Micro Horror is a Nod to one of the Unique Aspects of the Grindcore Music Genre: the Micro Song. There’re Songs by Grindcore Bands (Such as Anal Cunt, Insect Warfare, SCAT, Pig Destroyer, Brutal Truth, and Nuclear Assault for example) that are Only Seconds in Length. In Fact the British Grindcore/Death Metal Band Napalm Death hold the Guinness World Record for the Shortest Song ever Recorded with the Their One Second “You Suffer”. So I figure the Micro Horror Movie would Translate to a Short Horror Film that’s Five Minutes (Flat) or Under.

PLOT: One Late Night at an Empty Laundromat, a Young Woman is Tormented by a Menacing Smiling Woman.

CAST:

  • Smiling Woman – Teru Hara
  • Young Lady – Michelle Twarowska
  • Coroner – Alex Crawford
  • Detective – Raymond Ko
  • Young Lady Voice – Mandy O’shaughnessy & Lindsey Caldwell

Thanks For Watching,

   Presented By Les Sober  

Saturday Slasher Cinema: MANIAC COP

Welcome to the Fourth Saturday Slasher Cinema where We are Happy (and We’re Guessing So Are You)  to Bring You Something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT than the Last Three Saturday Slashers Cinemas.

This Weeks Saturday Slasher Cinema Feature Film is the 1988 Action Slasher Movie MANIAC COP Written By Larry Cohen and Directed By William Lustig. The Movie is Centered around Officer Matthew Cordell (AKA the Maniac Cop) a Murderous Ex-Cop Who has Returned From the Dead, and Seeks Revenge on the People That Wronged Him. Cordell a Once Respected Policeman with a Penchant for Brutality and Excessive Force, He found Himself an Unwitting Target when He Stumbles upon Rampant Corruption at City Hall. Cordell is Tried, Convicted, and Sent to Prison, where He is Attacked by Fellow Prisoners and is Presumed Dead….

                

Plot Summary:

Innocent People are being Brutally Murdered on the Streets of New York City by who Witness All Agree is a Uniformed Police Officer. As the Death Toll Rises and City Hall attempts a Cover-up, Detective Lieutenant Frank McCrae Heads has been Assigned to Crack the Case of The Alleged Killer Cop. Soon the Investigation finds a Suspect in its Own Ranks: Young Cop Jack Forrest (Played by the Legendary B Horror Movie Actor Bruce Cambell) who was Set Up By the Actual Killer and a Mysterious Woman Phone Caller. Now Forrest, His Girlfriend and Fellow Police Officer Theresa, and McCrae Set Out to Solve the Puzzle to Clear Forrest Name Before The Maniac Cop Kills Again!

               

Movie Tagline: “You have the Right to Remain Silent…. Forever!”

Enjoy.

Thanks For Watching,

Presented By     Les Sober & FYB

The Deviant Detective #8 Hunting Shadows In The Dark

“Alright No harm in Seeing what Your Made Of,” retorted Rock defiantly, “Now let’s get the fuck out of Here Before I’m Too Drunk to Drive.”

Rock got off His Bar Stool which let out a Loud and Prolonged Creak as the Old Wood breathed a Sigh of Relief and Rock’s Departure. Rock stood at the Bar for a minute or Two before Finally Paying His rather Large Tab before heading out to the Parking Lot at a quick Clip. The Young Girl who alleged She was a Infamous Hacker who went by Von Dire happily hopped off of Her Bar Stood and Took Off Following Rock Outside. Rock marched straight over to His Car and Started fumbling with His Keys unable to find the Actual Car Key to Unlock the Door.

“I’m not getting in a Car with You if Your Driving in This State,” announced the Young Woman indignantly, “Give ME Your Keys and I’ll Drive since there No Point Showing Up wherever We are Going if We’re Dead.”

“Your just Lucky it’s a Shitty Rental from My Mechanic because there is NO WAY in Hell You’d EVER Drive My Car.” snapped Rock Defensively before realizing He was being a Bit of a Drunkenly Belligerent Dick.

            

The Young Woman unlocked the Doors, got in, and Adjusted the Seat and Mirror to Her liking much to the Chagrin of Rock. Once She was comfortable She unlocked the Passenger Door and Let Rock In. Rock Flopped Down into the Passengers side Seat with a Low Groan of an Aging Body. He first struggled to Locate which pocket His cigarettes were in followed by a Subsequent Search for His Lighter. At Last Rock had located the Items He was hunting for and Lit a Cigarette much to the Chagrin of The Young Woman.

“Smoking is Foul and Fatal.” She stated with the Reserve of a Top Scientist.

“So am I so What Of It?!” snarled Rock through Clenched Teeth.

“Nothing I suppose it makes sense You Smoke since You obviously have a Death Wish and Are Also Insanely Lazy. That’s why You won’t even consider committing Suicide so You let The Cigarettes and Booze Kill You on Your behalf,”answered the Young Woman, “Face it Rock Your a fucking Old School Dinosaur on the Verge of Extinction.”

“Then Let Me Die as I wish and Keep Your Unwanted Opinions to Your fucking Self then,” said Rock almost Yelling, “Lets get down to Brass Tax if We do End Up Partners on this Job What The Fuck Do You Need, and What the fuck do You Know.”

           

“Well first Off You’re Hunting a Big Time Scumbag Criminal who is Hiding Out and Conducting some serious sick shit on the Dark Web. If You think it’s fucking Hard to Find someone in Physical Reality it’s going to be Exponentially Harder to Find Someone lurking in the Dark Web Abyss,” stated the Young Woman, “Think of it as Hunting for a Shadow in a Pitch Black Void.”

“Great way to Start Off a New Job.” Rock said Sarcastically before Lighting another Cigarette.

“Not to Mention that Red Rooms are the Stuff of Creepy Pastas which is what an Internet Based Urban Legend is referred To. No One knows if Red Rooms actually Exists outside of People’s Morbid Imaginations,” the Young Lady said in a Flat monotone Voice, “There was an instance of an Alleged Red Room consisting of a Captured Terrorist by Middle Eastern Authorities, BUT it was Complete Crap in it was Painfully Obvious the Whole Thing was Fake as Fuck.”

“Jesus Christ the More You Talk the Less I want to Hear,” announced Rock aloud, “I’m already reconsidering this Job, and I don’t usually do that Until I’m waist Deep in the Shit so to Speak.”

“Once in a Blue Moon there is a Red Room Announcement Posted, But again the Events Never come to Fruition since They are in Fact Fake as Fuck as Well,” continued the Young Woman Unfazed by Rock’s growing Negativity,”And then Theres the Availability Issue. Since Many Dark Web Sites Shut Down one Minute their Up and Running and the Next They’ve completely disappeared they’re hard to Track. If Red Rooms are real lets say for the sake of the Argument then They would be Much More Likely to Disappear without Notice due to The Authorities.”

           

“Hold the Hell Up I didn’t think the Authorities could do a Damn thing about all the Illegal shit on The Dark Web so what Gives?” asked Rock in all Honesty shifting His weight in His Seat as He talked.

“It’s not easy for Law Enforcement either, but They have far more Manpower, Resources, and Money than Just the Two of Us,” answered the Young Woman,”The Authorities tend to Focus on Soly on Certain subjects like Drugs, Guns, Human Trafficking, and Pedophilia. Now though if there is Someone Advertising a Red Room Event where allegedly a Victim is Kidnapped, Held Hostage, and Then Tortured to Death On The Dark Web I think that would be something the Authorities would be Interested in perusing.”

“Valid Point.” said Rock Grimly as He mulled over the Information He was just Given.

Stay Tuned For The Next Unforgiving Installment of………

THE DEVIANT DETECTIVE #9 DELVING INTO THE DARK Coming Soon!

Thank for Reading,

  By Les Sober

The Deviant Detective #7 Von Dire or Be Damned

“Like You Detective,” Otto continued,”I have little time to spare so Time is of the Essence in this matter You see. I will leave You with all the Intel You will need to Start Your Hunt, and Detective Please remember above all Discretion is Vitally Important while Dealing with as well as Resolving this Issue at Hand.”

With that said Otto drained His Drink in one Large Sip, Stood Up Quickly, and Handed Rock a Manilla Envelope He had retrieved from His Coat Pocket before Abruptly Leaving. Although Rock appreciated Ott’s Candor He still was a Little Taken a back about How suddenly the Conversation Ended. Rock Tossed the Envelope onto the Bar in front of Him with the enthusiasm of a Man who was just Served Divorce Papers. He flagged Manny down for another refill before lighting a Cigarette, and Exhaling Deeply a Token Sign of a Tired Soul. As Rock was leisurely putting out His Cigarette He noticed in His Peripheral Vision someone sitting down next to Him. Exhausted but still curious Rock slowly and deliberately turned to face the Person who had taken up Residence on the neighboring Bar Stool.

There sitting Next to Rock was a Petite Young Girl with Shiny Jet Black Hair and Piercingly Green Eyes who looked to be 20 years Rock’s Junior. Rock couldn’t Help noticing the Girl given the Circumstances in a Old Man Dive Bar She stuck out like a sore fucking Thumb that’s was for sure. Even Manny   who usually was infallible seemed enamored by the Young Girl He was fumbling and bubbling the Bottles of Booze He was inventorying. Rock found Himself wondering How this Girl ended up at Old McCoy’s when She should be at some Generic Sports Bar with a bunch of Annoyingly Loud Girlfriends and Their Dumbfuck Frat Loving Jock Boyfriends.

           

The Girl picked a Pretzel from the Bowl that was sitting next to Rock’s empty Shot Glass and Mulled it over in Her fingers as if in Deep Contemplation. Rock started to think of various reasons the Girl might have picked such an Out of the Way Hole in the Wall Like Old McCoy’s. More than likely Rock thought She was simply hiding from Someone like an Asshole Ex-Boyfriend or Perhaps She was hiding from the World in General. Before Rock had time to consider another possibilities the Young Girl became to Speak.

” Don’t think I was being Rude or that I’m a inconsiderate Asshole, but I couldn’t Help over Hearing Your conversation earlier with that Stiff and Stern looking Investment Banker looking motherfucker.” said the Girl without looking up from the Pretzel in Her Hand.

“COuldn’t Help? What the fuck does that even mean, it’s just a bullshit excuse People use so hopefully the Person They were ease dropping on Doesn’t haul off and Hit Them,” criticized Rock with Angry Frustration, “You eased dropped on My conversation because Your Nosey and wanted to Hear what We were saying. My Point is is wasn’t a fucking accident or freak fucking occurrence. You deliberately decided to Listen in plain and fucking simple that’s the way I See it.”

“That aside if You’re going Hunting for Someone on The Dark Web The Old Fart was right Your going to need somebody with some serious Tech Skills. Anyone can use the Dark Web, but finding someone takes a shit ton more Know How than the Basics.,” the Girl said completely ignoring Rock’s harsh criticism, “Like You said Anonymity is Key and lets face it the Dark Web is the New fucking Alaska for motherfuckers who Do Not want to be Found.”

            

“Look I’ve had one hell of a fucking Day so I assume this is where You tell Me why You’re That Person.” muttered Rock into His Beer Glass.

“Have You ever Heard of the Hacker Known as VonDire?” asked The yOung Girl Slightly with a smirk.

Now Rock may not have been the most Technically inept person on the Planet but that didn’t mean He was in the Dark by any Means. Rock had in fact heard of VonDire who had been the Center of Several Big Tech Hacking News Stories over the last Year or So. Aside from the List of Litanies the Media like everyone else had No Idea or Actual Information pertaining to Who VonDire was. The News had Reported a Variety of Allegations such as VonDire was a Member of the Hacktivist Group Anonymous until getting Kicked Out of the Organization for Conflict of Ideology. They had Reported VonDire was an Ex-Military Anti-Government Radical, a Anarchistic Tech Terrorist who Lived Only to create Chaos through Destruction. There were News Stories Alleging VonDire was the Illegitimate Love Child of Dark Web’s Silk Road Founder Ross Ulbricht (aka Dread Pirate Roberts) and an Infamous Drug Cartel’s Mistress, and that VonDire was a Hackers Version of Robin Hood targeting Corrupt Corporations and Billionaire Bastards.

It was all Here say because if Any One Knew who VonDire was or How to Track Him/Her Down it would have already happened, and been blasted across the Media Platforms like wild fucking fire. This Meant VonDire is as much of a Mystery as They were From Day One. Not to mention Rock wasn’t a Blithering Idiot or a Drunken Fool so He was well aware that the Shit People Say in Bar’s is simply that Shit People Say in Bars. Rock wasn’t impressed by the Name Drop and He sure as Hell didn’t have a single reason whatsoever to believe that this Attractive and Petite Thing sitting Neck to Him was a Wanted International Hacker. Seriously Rock thought to Himself was He supposed to Believe this Pretty Little Thing sitting Next to Him was the One who had been wreaking Havoc on a Global Level that’s fucking Certain.

            

“Look You don’t have to believe Me its doesn’t Chap My Ass in the Least,” replied the Young Lady,”It’s obvious by the Scowl plastered across Your well worn face You Don’t, but not only that You Don’t care either. What You Should Care about is the Man Your considering Working For Mr. Otto Van de Berg.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” demanded Rock gruffly as He grew tired of Talking to People when He had come to the Bar to Drink Alone.

“Well I’ll keep it sort at least for now since I’m aware Your Time is Precious,” countered The Young Lady, “The Van de Bergs Aren’t Angels They’re Devils. In Reality The Van de Berg’s are some of the Evilest, and most Revoltingly Vile Pieces of Shit to have ever been Regurgitated up from The Bowels of Hell.The Van de Bergs have amassed a Fortune since the Early 20th Century in Oil and Railroads. In the Beginning The Van de Bergs indulged in White Collar Crimes like Fraud, Tax Evasion, Insider Trading, Ponzi Schemes, Embezzlement, Wage Theft, Bribery, Labor Racketeering, Forgery, Copyright Infringement, Cybercrime, Identity Theft, and Money Laundering. The Whole Nine Illegal Yards as it were You see Greed is One of the Biggest and Dangerous Motivators of Man.”

            

“So They’re Wealthy Elitist Assholes, The Sons of Bitches of Bureaucracy Out to Finically Rape the World’s Riches on the Broken Backs of the Common Man.”commented Rock almost under His Breath.

“The Story Doesn’t Stop There Oh No the Van de Bergs started to Expand Their Criminal Repertoire first with Gambling and Loan Sharking. Next the Van de Berg’s branched Out into Arms Dealing followed by Them Entering the Drug Game. Then it was Prostitution, Human Trafficking, and Murder on a Massive Scale. At this Point if it’s Illegal and there’s money to be made the Van de Bergs are involved in it to some degree.” said the Young Girl with the Honesty of a Nun.

Stay Tuned for THE DEVIANT DETECTIVE #8 Coming Soon

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober (12:31am)

The Deviant Detective #6: Dark Web Desire

Revenge was a Concept that Rock was more than Familiar with as Rock had sought Plenty of Revenge in His Life thats for sure. Thats How Rock got into the Detective Game to begin with in Fact. Rock had always had a Special Affinity for UnderDogs of all Kinds His entire Life starting with Defending Fellow Classmates from Bullies when He was growing Up. In Adulthood Rock had felt the need to Protect People from the Bullies that had grown up to The Predators Preying on Innocent Civilians. People fucking over Other People Never sat right with Rock.  Rock also harbored an Intense Hatred for all the Things He perceived to be Unjust in the World, and had No Problem resorting to Violence to Achieve His Goal No Matter What.

Rock also possessed a Volatile mix of Impulse Control and Anger Management Issues had made Rock’s Employment Record was Sporadic as Rock jumped from Job to Job. Rock would get a Job until He was either Fired for Acting Out in some Fashion, or He got board and Simple Up and Quit. Thus Rock’s inability to Hold Down a Job along with prolonged periods of Time between said Jobs made Him a less than desirable Job Applicant. The Time in-between were a Pause in what Rock considered long and extensive succession of shitty Jobs He had the displeasure of Doing just to Pay the Bills.

Rock had Never seen the Point in having a Job if You weren’t Your own Boss since Bosses tended to be Domineering Dicks or Greedy Ego Driven Assholes. The sum total of these Personal Components that Made Up Rock’s Personality had virtually Drawn Him to Detective work. He got to be His Own Boss so No Cowing Down to a Douchbag Office Dictator, He wasn’t physically constrained by being Trapped in a Mundane Office Building Manning one of Hundreds of Crappy Cubicles. With Detective Work Rock also could Champion Underdogs, Persecute Predators, Beat Bad Guys Bloody, and Pretty much Behave as He saw Fit. Rock wanted to remain Free from the Shackles of Corporate Life serving the God’s of Capitalism making Them obscenely Wealthy while the Works Struggled to make Ends Meat.

           

“I understand Revenge is a wonderful Motivator there is truly Nothing like It,” replied Rock Dryly as He was only mildly interested in what Otto was Talking about, “The Problem is the more Money someone Steals the Harder it is to Find them. More Money equates to More Options since You can Buy Anything as Long as You have the Financial Backing to Pay the Bill.”

“Well then it’s Lucky I know where My Nefarious Business Partner is currently Operating His Shady Business Dealings from,” said Otto in a slow and steady tone,”That Alone is a rather Large Lead as it will make Tracking His Movements, Location, Business Dealings, and Known Associates that much Easier. If Knowledge is Power then Technology Provides the Tools to Obtain such Power.”

“Alright Buddy Time is Money and My Patience is Short so You can stop talking like some fucking James Bond Character,” sighed Rock growing exasperated by the Ordeal,”Get to the Goddamn Point if You Please.”

“Alright as You wish I have No issue with being Direct,” answered Otto politely, “My Unscrupulous Business Partner has set Up Shop on the Dark Web Running a Red Room called “Do Unto Others” which is gaining Popularity among the Users of the Dark Web.”

           

“I know the Basics,” said Rock who’s interest was beginning to perk up at this point, “You need the Thor also know as The Onion Software to Access the Dark Web. That and You need to protect Yourself if You venture onto the Dark Web since there Undesirables of all Kinds so You need to Hide Your IP Address and VPN. From there You can access Hidden Wiki to see what sites are out there Lurking in the Abyss of the Dark Web.”

“Not to Shabby but You’ll need someone with Far better Technical skills but I’m more than confident You can Locate such a Person considering Your Line of work You must Cross Paths with Dubious Characters of all Kinds.” said Otto being as Frank as Possible.

“If and I do mean if I take the Job it won’t be a Hunt it will be a Fishing Expedition,” Rock said matter of factly, “I don’t have the Time, Energy, Manpower, or Resources to Scour the Entirety of the Dark Web and it’s insanely easy to Hide in the Shadows. I’ll need to Set some Bait and Lure The Target out of whatever cyber hole He is Hiding and lead Him directly to Me. How the fuck did You even find Out Your ex-business partner was on the Dark Web to begin with I mean that in itself is rather Impressive since anonymity is the Key element because for the Users of the Dark Web Privacy is Number One Principle.”

           

“Thats an Excellent Question indeed,” the Otto said in a Complimentary tone, “It made the Most Sense since My Partner didn’t have the Foresight to Keep His devious Plans a Secret. What I mean by that is He frequently would talk about the Dark Web which I believed to be a Sinister Obsession with Him. He was particularly fond of discussing how if He in fact committed a Major Financial Crime how He would Utilize the Dark Web to Help Him get away consequence Free.”

“Well it makes sense now that You mention it. He could instantly Hide the Money by converting it into the Crypto Currency Bitcoin thus erasing any way of Tracking the Cash through the Banking System, He wouldn’t have to pay the fee to Launder it, Theres No Way to track the Bills through Their Serial Numbers, and there No Banks to worry about poking around in Your Business.” commented Rock having become very Intrigued by this Possible up coming Case, “No to mention the Dark Web is ground goddamn Zero for Buying Fake Passports, ID Cards, Birth Certificates, and Driver’s Licenses basically if You can Counterfeit it You can Buy it on the Dark Web. One stop shopping for The Criminal Element. Also Operating on the Dark Web means all You need is a Computer and Your good to go it allows You to Stay hidden in a chosen Location without having to Risk the Exposure of Traveling in the Real World. Lastly like I said Anonymity on the Dark Web is the Most Important thing to It’s Users so No One will come nosing around asking questions or anything like that.”

           

“So there is No reason for Me to Explain as Your intelligent Man and have figured it out for Yourself which is one of the Reasons I wanted to Hire You in particular was for Your Deductive Reasoning.” stated Otto with an air of Satisfaction.

“The Only question I have left is How did You find out about Your Ex Partner had set up a Red Room,” asked Rock with Genuine Curiosity, “I’m additionally curious since I was under the impression that Red Rooms were just an Internet Urban Legend just another helping of Creepy Pasta and all that foolish shit.”

“I assure You Detective Red Rooms are Very Real,” answered Otto Ominously, “Very Real Indeed.”

STAY TUNED for the Next Installment of………

THE DEVIANT DETECTIVE #7 COMING SOON!

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

The Deviant Detective #5: The Dawn of Another Day

Rock pulled into His Classic 1976 Cadillac into a Parking Spot directly in front of His Favorite Drinking Hole Old McCoy’s Pub. As He Parked Rock couldn’t for the Life of Himself shake Himself free from the Haunting Images He had witnessed just moments ago. The Mental Image of Ivy Savage going to Town on Her then Boy Friend Justin Sane’s Man Meat like a Starving Hobo chowing Down on a Hoagie. The Chunks of Bloody Genital Flesh flying through the Air as Blood Coated the Entire Room as Justin Screamed like a Banshee that had been Kicked in the Balls.

Well Rock thought to Himself as He exited His Caddie the Ivy Case was a complete Financial Loss because Not only did the Job last a Whopping 3 Hours, But His Client Ivy was clearly Mentally Deranged. Lunatics Don’t have any Money to Speak of so Rock’s Pay Day was a Big Bust. Goddamnit Rock that as He was already living in His Office Sleeping on an Old Military Cot He kept folded up in the Closet during Business Hours. Rock had to make some Quick Cash before He Ended up Homeless and living in a Refrigerator Box in some Dank Back Alley.

Rock entered Old McCoy’s which was a Close Knit Blue Collar Neighborhood Bar where Everyone Body Knew Each other and Looked Out for One Another. Their surrounding Neighborhood was More like an Extended Family than a Neighborhood. Rock liked that because it kept out the Frat Boys, Annoyingly Vocal Sports Fans, and Sloppy Drunkards.

           

Rock sauntered up to the Seat at the Bar that was directly between The Small black and White TV and The Bar Tender so that way He could easily keep an Eye on Both. Today The Old McCoy was being Tended to by Manny McCoy the Great Grandson of the Original Founder and Owner of Mccoy’s His Grandfather Bartholomew K.  McCoy. Manny’s Father Mick’s health had been Failing as of Recent had taken a Back Seat as far as the Bar was Concerned. Mick was a well respected and revered Member of the Community who had been Slinging Drinks since he was 16. Unfortunately Mick being the Tragic Hero that He was had been a Big Time Drinker and now His Liver was Paying the Price.

Manny was the Next Generation in the Family’s Bar Business, and was preparing for the Transition from Bar Tender to Bar Owner. Manny was a cheerful young Man in His Mid Twenties with a Long and Lanky Build with a Smile that Could cheer up even a Suicidally Drunk Sailor. Manny had practically grown up in Old McCoy’s as His Parents had brought Him to Work starting when Manny was 2 years Old. Manny tended to Dress like James Dean in Blue Jeans and a plain white t-shirt. Manny’s attire was a direct reflection of His laid back attitude towards Life’s Trial and Tribulations.

“Hey Rock what are You Having?” asked Manny in His usual up beat tone.

           

“It’s been one of those Day’s Manny just one of those Day’s where Life seems Hell Bent of Kicking You in the Ribs while You’re Down,” replied Rock sounding Beaten Down and Exhausted, “What do You recommend for a Day like This?”

“Hmm Well I think if I had to Match the Drink to the Day, and that Day is Today I’d say O’Vladdy’s Vodka the Finest Irish Vodka in the Entire World I assure You.” answered Manny earnestly not making light of the Question.

“Alright then Let Me get 4 fingers of O’Vladdy straight.” said Rock unenthusiastically as He opened His Vintage 1920’s Cigarette (or Coffin Nails as Rock preferred to refer to them as) case, removed one of the Camel Unfiltered Cigarettes that where lined up like Soldiers at Attention. Rock ran the Cigarette under His nose Inhaling Deeply. Rock thoroughly enjoyed the Sweet Smell of the Tobacco Savoring it before Finally Lighting it. Rock took a long slow drag of His cigarette before Exhaling a billowing Cloud Of Smoke with a prolonged exasperated sigh. Manny brought Rock his Drink leaving the Bottle sitting on the Bar next to Rock’s Cigarette case.

After a while of sitting in Silence drinking and thinking a Tall Lean Man who appeared to be somewhere near 60 entered the Bar. He was extremely well dressed in an expensive designer 3 piece grey pin stripped Suit, a full length dark blue trench coat, and a Grey Fedora giving Him a Very European vibe. The Man’s hair was as White as a Polar Bears Fur, and the deep Lines in His face Didn’t make Him look Old, but Rather Distinguished instead. He stood just inside of the Door motionless for a minute before approaching the Bar. Once the Man reached the Bar He flagged down Manny immediately.

           

“I’m here to see  if a Mr. Rock Hard is currently here in Your Drinking Establishment.” inquired the Man in a Low and controlled tone.

Manny shot Rock a quick glance on the Sly before he answered the Man’s question to see if Rock gave a Nod of Consent which He did. “Yeah He’s Here,” replied Manny gesturing towards Rock, “I’d be careful though He’s not in the Mood to be Trifled with.”

The Man approached Rock walking stiffly and with Purpose utterly oblivious as to the Rest of the Bar. He stood next to Rock without saying a word, pulled out a Bar Stool, and Sat Down looking Stoically Profound. The Man moved the bowl of Peanuts resting on the Bar in front of Him out of His way before placing His elbows on the Bar with His Fingers locked together. It was only then that the Man spoke.

“You are indeed Rock Hard,” questioned the Man in a Auoritative tone of voice,”You’re not an Easy Man to Find, but I assume thats because You want it that way.”

           

“I don’t have time for bullshit so let’s skip the pleasantries and get to the Point.” gripped Rock without looking at the Man seated beside him.

“Direct and to the Point I can appreciate that,” stated the Man in return, “I have been actively searching for a Unconventional Detective to help Me resolve a particular Problem,” said the Man cryptically not batting an eyelash.

“Alright what the fuck did I just say? Cut the Crap and get on with it already so I can go back to Drinking Myself into a Stupor,” snapped Rock agitatedly as He poured Himself another 4 Fingers of O’Vladdy, “What prey tell is Your problem just tell Me so We can end this conversation quickly.”

“Right so be it. My Name is Otto Van de Berg, and I’m an International Venture Capitalist of Moderate Fame and Vast Fortune,” said the Man as He waved Rock’s cigarette smoke out of His face,”I recently entered into a joint venture with a Man named Cyrus Bogdan who I had know for quite some time. We started the Investment Banking Firm Berg&Bogdan.”

           

“Doesn’t sound like must of a goddamn problem to Me.” said Rock rudely interrupting the Man as His Impatience was growing in Leaps and Bounds.

“AS I was Saying,” Otto retorted snidely, “Our Business was a Bonified Success and We were expanding the Business at an Incredible Rate. The problem arose when I returned from My Vacation in Malaysia you see. Upon My return I was informed Cyrus in fact Bankrupted the Company in a Fly By Night scenario. He emptied all 5 of the Firm’s Bank Account to the Tune of $76 Million, Drained the Employee Retirement Fund stealing $7.6 Million, and had proceeded to Robbed Our Top Their Clients for $176 Million. Thats aGrand Total of $259.6 Million which as I said Utterly Bankrupted the Firm not to mention landing Me in a great deal of Legal Trouble due to Cyrus’s  Indiscretions.”

          

“I’m not going to Pull Your leg here Otto Old Boy a Man with $260 million in His Pocket has virtually No Chance in Ever being Found more or less be held accountable for Their Crimes,” said Rock in all sincerity not wanting to waste anymore of His Drinking time “So the Bottom line here is this Otto what the fuck do You want? You want Me to tracked this scumbag Cyrus down and bring Him back for Legal Prosecution because it sounds like He can Afford the Sleaziest Criminal Defense Attorneys there are. Also if your trying to Recoup Your cash good fucking luck as it’s more than likely already been spent, and a Convict making $.76 cents a Day making License Plates is paying Anyone Back worth a Damn. So I ask You Otto what the fuck do You Need Me For?!”

“In a Word,” said Otto in a Malevolent Whisper, “Revenge.”

Stay Tuned for the Next Installment of The Deviant Detective #6: The Plot Thickens COMING SOON.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

The Deviant Detective Ep 3 : Looking For The Cock Rock King

Rock kicked his feet up onto his desk with a solid thud. Rock picked up a copy of the local paper “The Fanatic” because you’d be surprised what ideas one can come up with by just reading the paper.

Rock flipped through the pages casually until he reached the back of the paper.  At the back of “The Fanatic” was the local entertainment/art scene.

Rock never paid mind to the entertainment section it was all shit. Today though Rock realized he’d not only have to read the entertainment section, but also pay struck attention looking for any possible leads. His new client the underground self proclaimed Queen of Punk Ivy Savage had little patience and a huge fucking drug habit.

Rock scanned the concert section and found Ivy’s missing boyfriend Eddie Oi’s band The Fuck Me Pumps were scheduled to play that night down at a small hole in the wall called The Boozehound Lounge. The Boozehound was only a couple of blocks from The BarFly Bar which Ivy had mentioned as a possible hangout of Eddie’s.

Rock placed his feet back on the floor, downed 4 fingers of Kentucky White Whisky, lit a cigarette and exhaled with a labored sigh. Rock knew what he had to do. Rock called a cab and headed down to what was referred to as the dive district.

The dive district was a run down part of the city with abandoned factories, dive bars, shitty clubs, Soup kitchens, Hobo Haven (a tent city of sorts consisting of the cities many homeless), methadone clinics, the county mental health hospital, mom and pop liquor stores, Pawn shops, Strip clubs, Old school Porno theaters most converted into sex shops, the slums run by lecherous so called land lords, and the solid waste authority.

On the ride Rock decided it be best to pick the cabbies brain. Next to bartenders cabbies were the unofficial information sources of street knowledge the who’s, what’s, when’s and where’s the life blood of the city.

“Hey buddy how long you been driving the dive district route?,” inquired Rock

“22 years and thats 20 to damn many,” gripped the cabbie

“I’m looking for some punk rock guy named Eddie Oi. You know the prime punk scene hangouts and clubs?”

“Fuck that shit. The Fuck Me Pump’s aren’t punk rock, their fucking cock rock. your looking in the right neighborhood but wrong street if ya know what I’m saying pal.,”

“What in the name of Christ is Cock Rock?,” asked Rock as he reached for his trusty flask.

“Cock Rock,”said the cabbie “Its like punk rock, 3 chord shit played as fast as humanly possible. Instead of politics or social commentary Cock Rock is  essentially a shitty porno put to music. Think 2 Live Crew but with guitars and all that shit.”

“Shit and I thought Punk was the soundtrack of the gutter but damn just like always theres something worse than what you think. Wheres a good place to start the search?” Rock wondered aloud.

“Easy you go to The BarFly Bar. When you get there ask for Bloody Sod Bollocks he’s the godfather of underground hardcore scene. He used to be in some famous British hardcore punk band back in the day called Shit Out of Luck or something like that. He’s been here in the city so long he knows every-fucking-body. You looking for a musical you go talk to Bloody Sod.” claimed the cabbie in utter confidence as he pulled up to the curb outside of The BarFly Bar.

Well isn’t that convenient as hell thought Rock. All signs seemed to point to The BarFly Bar and that would be Rock’s jumping off point. Rock exited the cab making sure to give the cabbie a hefty tip not for the ride but the information. Any asshole can drive a car.

The BarFly Bar looked like the kind of establishment one would expect to get stabbed in. The bar smelled foul like a locker room and a well used port-o-potty combined. Jesus Christ Rock thought I’ve been in shitty bars before but this is by far the shittiest. It’s like every other shitty bar came to The BarFly and took a massive shit in it.

The windows where blacked out to spare the bottom dwelling patrons having to face the light of day. Cigarette smoke hung in the air wafting around the lights like restless spirits. The bar was located to the left of the main entrance. The bar itself was lined with decreped and wobbly stools patched together with duct tape.

The bartender/owner was a stout man in his early 60’s whose collection of tattoos had deteriorated into sloppy blurs over the decades. His large gnarled hands with thick calluses spoke hard life of manual labor and long hours. The wrinkles in his face where etched through time like the feordes  and ran just as deep.

The handful of patrons were spread through out the bar all of them alone. The exception being a middle aged couple who seemed oblivious to the world around them as the slobbered all over one another. It was the equivalent of watching a extremely shitty home made sex tape.

Rock saddled up to the bar preferring to stand over sitting on one of the STD ridden bar stools.

“Hey Bartender let me get 3 fingers of Westminster Whiskey and an ash tray while your at it,” Said Rock slowly rescanning the bar.

“I’m Gunny bartending is what I do.”replied Gunny as he angrily pulled the cork from the whiskey bottle “Ive got no problem letting you know that I don’t like dicks in my bar private or otherwise.”

“Well at least you didn’t say cop. I’m looking for Eddie Oi he owes my client money. Thats where I come in.”

“Who doesn’t that grimy little shit owe money to? I haven’t seen him since I 86ed his bar tab, and told him until he repays it all drinks will be on a cash transaction.”

“You have any idea where he might be Gunny?”

“Hell no. But Justin Sane the drummer in his little shit band is in the stock room.” said Gunny as he started to wipe down the warped bar top.

“What the hell is he doing in the stock room?” Rock asked downing his drink in one gulp before signaling for another.

“Some junkie groupie took him back there, sad the high light of this pitiful girls rough life will be sucking Justin’s baby dick in the back of a shitty bar.”

Rock downed his second drink in the same fashion as the first. Turned to face the stock room door at the back of the building. Rock steadily approached the stockroom door preparing for whatever maybe behind it. Rock stopped right in front of the door, grasped the greasy door knob firmly, and shoved it open like a steroid ridden line backer.

Stockroom more like storeroom is more like it Rock thought the instant the door gave way. None the less there was Justin propped up against a pallet of beer boxes with his red liberty spike mohawk, tattered leather vest infested with a collage of various band’s pins and patches, generic white t-shirt with a anarchy sign spray painted on it in a sickly green, slew of amateur India ink tattoos that gave way to the track marks beginning to establish themselves. His cut off jean shorts around his ankles while some skanky bleached blonde was on her knees in front of him her head bobbing like she’d been infected with a potent fast acting poison, and the only cure was located in Justin’s cock.

Before Rock had a chance to react all hell broke loose. Rock was grabbed from behind and thrown violently backward into the door frame . Ivy Savage came barreling past Rock in a goddamn flash, then she snatched the groupie by the hair and tossed her aside like a fucking rag doll. The instant the groupie was sent tumbling into a near by liquor rack Ivy dropped to her knees. She grabbed Justin’s massive member at the base with one hand and the tip with the other. What happened next defies logic. Ivy now with Justin’s huge lap hog in her hands bite down on it full force like she was rabidly attacking an ear of corn. Inspire of Gunny’s disparaging comments pertaining to the size of Justin’s “baby dick” Justin was hung like a goddamn donkey. The kid was 5′ 9″ and a 100 pounds soaking wet and 10 of those pounds were due to his dick Rock thought sarcastically. Justin’s porn star sized cock was inevitably too thick for Ivy to bite it clean in half which seemed to be her true intent.

In spite of Justin’s unforeseen girth Ivy earned her moniker of savage. Ivy gleefully started biting mouthfuls of Justin’s schlong spitting them out one after the other while screaming like a blood thirsty banshee “I’M IVY FUCKING SAVAGE! I’LL POISON YOU LIKE IVY AND BRUTALIZE YOU LIKE A FUCKING SAVAGE!!!!”

Rock had had enough of this bullshit for the day. The groupie cowering in a corner kicking and screaming, Ivy’s genital based cannibalism, and Justine guttural growls as blood splatter covered the entire room. Rock reached over and took a bottle of cheap rot gut booze and brought it crashing down upon Ivy’s head knocking out cold. Rock turned and exited the storeroom shutting the door behind him.

“Holy Hell what the fuck is going on in there?!!,” demanded Gunny scowling at Rock intensity.

“Gunny, your closed for the evening,” replied Rock with calculated calm before promptly leaving the confines of The BarFly for the soothing insanity of the city streets. Then it suddenly occurred he had failed to locate the so called underground godfather Bloody Sod Bolloks.

“Goddamn it! Shit,shit,shit!! Goddamn Bloody Sod!” Rock said aloud in utter frustration.

“You looking to find Bloody he’s at the Methadone Clinic everyday at 5pm to hook up his daily dose.” commented a disheveled homeless kid who was  lurking in a dark doorway like a ghost of society.

“Thanks for the tip,” Rock said handing the homeless kid a twenty “Buy some fucking food. Don’t spend all this on dope or drink.”

“Sure thing,” the homeless kid chirped excitedly at the sight of the twenty.

Sure thing my ass thought Rock as he turned away from the kid and headed off towards the City’s sole methadone clinic at a quick clip.

To Be Continued…

In

The Deviant Detective Ep.4 : Shit Sandwich Lunch Special

The Deviant Detective Ep.2 : Getting Directions From The Blind

Readers: There are a great deal of Obscenities and Blasphemies in the following Story. Heads up and Have A Nice Day.

 

 

“Rock Hard that you,” asked the stranger as they leaned against the wall for support.

“Yeah I’m Rock Hard come into my office and tell me what the problem of yours is.” said Rock in his authoritative professional detective voice.

Buy the time Rock reached his office door he knew who the stranger was. It was underground punk rock icon and lead singer for The Furiously Fingered Five Ivy Savage.

She wreaked of cheap gin and cheaper cigarillos. Jesus Christ Rock thought to himself she’s a fucking train wreck. It was obvious the rumors where more than true.

The Meth induced orgies, shooting smack in her snatch, drug smuggling, assault, DUIs, countless rehabs, grand theft auto, drug possession, and possession of an illegal fire arm 4 times in 6 months that fucking Ivy Savage.

Rock jingled his key in the office door until it begrudgingly opened.

The door swung open slamming into the wall so hard the glass shook like a new prostitutes on her first “date.”

Rock walked over to his antique solid oak desk he had salvaged when the city demolished the 1930’s repossession power house Snide, Pompous and Braggart back in 1974. Rock slowly lowered himself into his chair as it creaked in protest.

“So if it isn’t the infamous Queen of Punk Ivy Savage, your reputation precedes you,” Rock said eying his new client up and down.

“I’m fucking used to that propaganda puke, its all horse shit a huge fucking load of steaming hot horse shit.,” Ivy replied angrily.

Ivy was pacing like a jack rabbit on a coke bender constantly fidgeting with her hands. As she spoke Rock took note of her eyes and how the darted around his office unable to stay focused on a damn thing. These were the classic signs of a rock bottom gutter dwelling druggie.

“Whats the problem,” Rock asked bluntly.

“My motherfucking boyfriend is fucking missing and I can’t find my bitch,” Ivy replied coldly.

“How do you know he didn’t just split or end up in the ER for overdosing something along those lines?!”

“I’m his goddamn meal ticket and that little scummy shit damn well knows it. I pay for our booze, drugs, food and hotel room down at The Opulent Oasis for christ’s sake. He’s a fucking moron but he’s not that goddamn dumb.”

“Alright then when did you see your boyfriend last Ms. Savage?”

“Call me Ivy for fuck’s sake, theres no Ms. about me thats for sure. I saw him just last night when we were having a private party in our hotel room. I went to take a shit, it was round 3 am or so and nodded off on the toilet. When I came to it this morning it was 11 fucking thirty and he was gone.”

“Whats his name, whats he go by,” asked Rock as he started to get rather irritated. To calm his nerves he took a long slow sip from his flask and let the whiskey do the rest.

“He goes by Eddie Oi he’s the base player for The Fuck Me Pumps,” said Ivy mattarfactly her voice void of emotion.

“Where does Eddie and his band or friends hang out at. Where do they spend their time? Where do they go? What do they do all damn day?”

“I’m not his fucking biographer. This is the shit I know bout to answer your fucking questions. Eddie doesn’t have any fucking friends just goddamn dope dealers and drug buddies. As for him and his shitty band they spend a good amount of time at The Barfly Lounge down on the skids. He sees his main dealer at least 8 times a day scoring dope and all that drug shit.”

“Eddie got a record?”

“No and thats a fucking surprise and a half. He’s never even been arrested for drunk and disorderly nothing, not a single goddamn thing so that won’t help your search.”

Rock lazily moved the files on his desk around randomly just to look more than what he was a dinosaur and a goddamn drunk with a violent disposition. Rock shunned technology whenever possible unless it was absolutely necessary, but Rock decided to revisit the idea of getting a computer so he could fain interest while surfing the internet.

“Look just find the fucker and let me know so I can bitch slap his stupid ass back in fucking line,” demanded Ivy.

“Calm down I’m taking your case and I’ll find Eddie no matter where he is or where he may be hiding at I assure you of that,” Rock said in total confidence.

“Thank god for that then.”

“I’ll need a retainer of $1,200 plus daily expenses. Take it or leave it I’m not the one with the problem.”

“Call my fucking manager Harvey Schister. His number is 555-7683 and he’s a real son of a bitch but don’t take his shit because he’s full of shit.”

“Alright then I will call Mr. Schister this afternoon and get started immediately after I get my retainer.”

“Well I’m gonna piss off then, but I’ll be on top of you like a 600 pound prison booty bandit, I don’t take shit from anyone ever.”

With that Rock showed Ivy to the door locking it behind her. Rock didn’t want to be disturbed he had to process his meeting with his new client Ivy Savage. Where could he find the best leads he wondered as he lit a cigarette blowing the smoke out of his nose like a exhausted dragon.

This case is going to be a goddamn drunken drugged out insanely dark horror show Rock was convinced of that.

To Be Continued in The Deviant Detective Ep.3 : Finding The Cock Rock King.