Tag: dinning out

My Wife Took Me To Dinner In Hell

As I have mentioned several times before I’m not a Social Person and I generally find People to be Disappointing Overall. Thats why I detest Crowds be they Smaller or Larger, Sports Bars, Waiting on/in Line, Waiting Rooms, Traffic of Any Kind, Other Driver’s (I think most People don’t know dick about Driving), Movie Theaters, House or Large Parties, Festivals, County Fairs, Clubs, Restaurants, and All that  Other Out and About Bullshit People are Into.

So when My Wife gets an Opportunity to Drag Me Away from My Extreme Reclusive Tendencies She takes it in a fucking Heart Beat. This was the Case Not too Long ago when Our Brother in Arms N@P Stopped by to Visit in route to the Great White North My Wife was presented such an Opportunity. My Wife who is Out Going and Much More Social than I am Exploited the fact N@P is just as Out going as She to Stack the Odds in Her Favor. The easiest way to get Me to agree to something is to make it Food Related. It’s the most Admittedly Easiest way to Manipulate Me into Participating in any  Act of Social Conformity. Access to Alcohol (especially Beer) is an Equally Effective form of Manipulation because I like Beer so when Someone says Something like “Let’s get a Beer” or “Let Me Buy you a Beer” or “Let’s go to the Bar” how can I Ultimately complain?! I just think to Myself sure why not at least if it Sucks I can have a fucking Beer and feel better about the Bullshit Situation.

           

Knowing My Achilles Heel suggested We go out and get a Bite to Eat, and Low and behold She had a Restaurant already in Mind. Since N@P and I had downed a couple of Beers I was more susceptible to the Power of Suggestion so I asked what kind of fucking Restaurant was it that She had in Mind? My Wife Replied that it was a Mexican Restaurant that She had never been to, BUT Once in a While at Work My Wife and Her Co-Works will Order Lunch and Picked it Up (aka Fancy Man’s Take Out). I thought it be pretty fucking cool to have a chance to Eat some actual Authentic Mexico Food instead of the Americanized Taco Bell Version for a change so off We went. You see N@P is so goddamn Fluidly Zen on All Levels that He was up for Anything. We could have the World’s Most Expensive Caviar at a Michelin Star Restaurant or Eating $1 Hotdogs from a Cart standing on the Street N@P would be equally as Happy.

           

When We pulled up to the Rather Large Restaurant the first fucking thing I noticed was the Parking Lot was full as fuck. In fact it looked as if it was so fucking full the Overflow was parking along a Vacant Lot which currently was a plain grass Field. This immediately made Me Unamused as now not only was it a Restaurant it was a Packed as Hell Restaurant thus inevitably be Crowded as it possible could be. This meant there could be a long wait which in My mind was just just Insult to Injury really. Not only that but with a Crowded Restaurant its Loud so Back Round Noise is a Big Old Bitch, and wherever I sit be it at a Table or Booth or at the Bar I feel fucking Surrounded like I’m fucking Boxed in. Lastly I also seriously prefer to be sitting with My back to the Wall where I can see the the Door in particular as well as the rest of the Restaurant.

My assumptions in the parking lot were Dead on Accurate yet that wasn’t all there was an Extra Asshole Bonus awaiting Us lurking just inside the Front fucking Doors. The waiting room was Impressively Large and filled with fucking Customer’s standing essentially shoulder to shoulder like Human Cattle. The problem as it turned out was there wasn’t an Ounce of Organization in the Place at least We sure as Hell didn’t see it.

Not only were People entering and Exiting the Restaurant in Significant Numbers there was also the Current Customers trying to Navigate through in Search of their Table or perhaps the Restroom. In addition to all that crap there was No designated System for Customer to check out efficiently as the Cash Registers where crammed into the Farthest corner of the Room. That and apparently form any sort of Line was out of the fucking Question as People looking to Pay just lingered around like a School of Confused fucking Fish.

           

To make things more Chaotic the Restaurant apparently didn’t have a Bar so there wasn’t an Option to wait to be seated in the Bar which is an insanely great idea in General. Luckily they did serve Beer so that was a kind of crappy consolation prize in My opinion since I’d have to wait to be seated before I could order a Beer. Lastly the WaitingArea/ Lobby has a Very High Ceiling and Bare Walls (which were painted a lovely shade Of Refried Bean Baby Shit) so all the annoying noise was amplified by 2. As I was about to hit My breaking Point and was about to come completely unhinged I noticed My Wife had a rather confused look on Her face. Apparently the Hostess had shoved Her way through the Horde of Dinners to let Us know Our table was ready and to Follow Her, BUT in the Middle of all the Bullshit My Wife was the only one who heard her. It didn’t help that the Hostess did a walk by and kept walking and disappeared back into the Hungry Horde of Customers.

           

Now from the Outside the Restaurant looked like Your Typical Open Floor Plan, but once You entered the Building You realize that is comprised of a Maze of Small Dinning Rooms that twists and Turns like Mating Snakes. Once We were seated I looked around the Room looking at the Decor which was Insane it looked like the most Generic and Mildly Racist Interior Design I have ever fucking witnessed. I felt like I was eating in the World’s Shittiest Amusement Park or Perhaps a fucked up County Fair. There were Fake Windows and Aesthetic Awning complete with a Door (as well as windows on each side)I suppose to imitate Mexico Architecture, yet it just made it feel like a Second Rate Fun House. At one Point My Wife pointed the Door Out and jokingly asked “Who Lives There?” to which I answered “The Devil since You brought Me to Hell” causing N@P to Laugh like a Hyena on Laughing Gas.

           

The Only other Decorative component of the Cramped little Dinning Room was a Rather Racist Depiction of a Mexican Man sitting on a Stool outside in a Farm Yard. The Man was sitting directly behind the a Saddle while holding the Reigns so for all intents and purposes made it look like the Man in the Picture was about to have Sex with the Saddle. This caused Me to Immediately dubbed the Picture/Depiction “The Saddle Fucker” again to the Great Delight of N@P.

The last Oddity I observed was a Decently sized Flat Screen with the Sound turned off without the Closed Caption turned on. Without the Subtitles on the bottom of the Screen there was No Way of Knowing what the hell anyone on the TV was saying. Not only that it was installed above any reasonable Sight Level so 90 plus Percent of the Small Dinning Room could even fucking See it to begin with. The Only Customers who could see the TV for all it was worth (which was Nothing) was Our Table and The One in front of it as well as the one behind it. It was also located in an Unusual Spot sitting to the Right of a Corner in the Room and was also slightly but noticeably Tilted.

A Extremely Pleasant Surprise after having to endure the Horrid Decor and Abominable Waiting Area was the Fact Our Waitress was Accessional. She wasn’t just attentive to Or Table, but She was Intuitive as well. What I mean by that is for example if Your Beer was almost done before You could even complete the Though “Oh Man I need a Beer so Time to do the Whole Wheres My Waitress?!” She had a Fresh Beer already on the Table. That attention to Detail is not only Admirable but far beyond rare in this Age of Shitty Customer Service Assholes.

           

The Other pleasant Surprise was the Food, it was Utterly Awesome to say the fucking least. The most interesting thing was something I have never experiences I have had the Pleasure of Having. I memory is shit but I ordered aSteak Burrito of some sort and when it arrived I was Genuinely Surprised. The Burrito was just that No Bullshit Garnish or Bells and Whistles pompous bullshit. What I mean is it wasn’t topped with Salsa and Guacamole and all the shit you see at Apple Bee’s or Chili’s. It was EXACTLY what I fucking ordered a Burrito. The Intriguing thing was instead of the bullshit stereotypical Burrito it was served in a Brown Gravy for lack of a better word. It was Truly Exquisite.

So in the End I who am NOT easily impressed in lou of all the shit I hated about it was glad I went. Ultimately the Kick Ass Customer Service, Awesome Food, and 33 Ounce Beers Won Me over Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Millennials, a Bistro, and a Whole Lot of Bullshit.

This Weekend My Wife and I went to see Her Cousin Ave compete in that Weekend’s Auto Races since Ave had become an Adamant Racer several years ago, but this was the First time My Wife and I were able to Attend. After the Race We got the pleasure of meeting His Pit Crew so to Speak as They were Working Their Asses off at the Time, and We were Afforded an Up Close and Personal look at His Race Car. Ave’s Parents Kay and Jay along with Ave’s Wife Steph were there though They didn’t attend a great deal of Ave’s races. This was simply because Watching Ave Race was/is Nerve Wracking to Say the Least for His Mother and His Wife.

After Hanging out for awhile Behind The Scenes We left the Race Track and headed for Our Dinning Destination for the Evening just a short 15 minutes Away called Pompous Bistro and Beer Garden. Since Ave was the one who made the Reservation (and I trust Ave), AND with Beer Garden in the Name I was Highly Optimistic.

You see I rather Eat in than Eat Out honestly since Restaurants can be a Huge fucking Hassle especially if You’re Not a Trend Chasing Hipster Lemming or a fucking Foodie. In Addition I am NOT a Fine Dining Person fucking Period.  I am Reviled by the so called Luxurious Fine Dinning Experience I find it Disgusting all Around and on All Levels. The Whole Arrogant Elitist Pomp and Circumstance feeling, nay believing They are Superior to Others based on Their fucking Bank Accounts. They can Administer Fas Gras Enema’s to Each other for all I fucking Care, but as For Now on the Subject of Alleged Fine Dining I Digress.

           

We pulled up outside and parked on the Street My Wife’s Family had already arrived, and We walked Through a Gate into a Maze like Garden that really was kind of cool. As We walked around a winding trail through the Garden making Our way to the Hostess there were Little outlets a few with Fire Pits, a Couple Lounge Areas, and several Tables Intertwined throughout.  There was so much Vegetation along with an Abundant amount of Flora and Fauna that the Garden had an underlying Jungle feel to it.

At last We reached The Hostess station which was located Outside of the Main Building as it were. I say Building because it was a Mediterranean Style Outside Dinning area where there No Actual Walls there’s just Shades hanging in-between Pillars to Keep the Sun out of Dinners Eyes. I’ve seen this Concept in the Islands of The Great Southern Swamp, and what I have always wondered, and still do is How the hell Do You Keep People from Robbing/Vandalizing the Your Establishment if THERE NO FUCKING WALLS?!

Anyway We meet up with My Wife’s Family Who were Seated already when a Overtly Dramatic Millennial Euro Trash Waitress sauntered lazily up to Our Table. She was Wearing a Sun Dress with a Plunging Neck Line so there was plenty of Opportunities to Show Off Her Collection of Pretentious Tattoos. She had every fucking Cliche in the Book of Hipster Tattoos there was the Traditional Ying Yang, OM Sign, Buddha Statue, Lotus Flower, The Joshua Tree, A Japanese Coy Fish, a Fairy, The Symbol for the Female Sex, an Elaborately Done Peace Sign, and at Least 3 Asian Characters that Adorned Her Arms, Shoulders, and Neck.

          

She Talked as if She was Bored as Fuck and could care facing Less about Us or any Other Customers. As She stood at the head of Or Table with Her head Slightly Tilted to one side, and a Vacant Stare into the Horizon informed Us of the Following. Apparently the Bistro had recently Implemented a New Policy Our Food Would NOT be coming out all Together BUT rather randomly when ever it is or isn’t ready. This concept of Theirs goes against  fucking Common Sense as it Utterly fucking Transforms the Dinning Experience into One Drawn Out 3 Ring Bullshit Culinary Circus.

Going Out to Eat is at the Heart about Spending time and converting with Friends and Family over Food. That is why Real Restaurants rely on Timing as one of the Key Principles/Factors of Service in The Food MUST GO OUT TOGETHER NEVER SEPARATELY. This Provides for the Meal and Social Gatherings Cohesiveness and Efficiency on All Fronts. Bottom Line: No One Likes or Wants to be The Person at the Table that Doesn’t have Their Food Point Blank.

We gave The Euro Trash Hipster Our drink Order and though the Sign claimed this was a Beer Garden it was unlike any fucking Beer Garden I’ve been to Before. Usually a Beer Garden is a Large Banquet Hall lined with Rows of Tables and Benches, and They have a Very Distinct Bavarian (German) Theme to It. There is also Large crowds of Happy Beer Loving Binge Drinkers Hooting and Howling with Laughter in Total Abandon. I say this because when I looked on the Menu There was No Beer List. There was a Wine List and a Cocktail Menu, but again Not a single piece of Literature on the Table pertained to Beer. As I was annoyingly glaring around I noticed a Floor to Ceiling Black Board with the Title “NO CRAP ON TAP” at the Top. Under the Header was a short list of 8 to 10 Craft Beers I was Unfamiliar with, and that was it that was Their Beer Garden Concept.

           

We got Our drinks and about 25 minutes or so a Stereotypical Portland/Seattle/Colorado Millennial Girl sporting a Bright Plad Flannel Shirt, Jeans, and Sneakers arrived at Our table. She gave Us the Specials which I didn’t pay attention to. She then goes into a LONGER DISCLAIMER that Due to the New Policy Our Food would NOT be coming out Together but rather whenever the fuck its ready. I ordered a Bowl of Lobster Mac and Cheese, My Wife Had one of those European Meat and Cheese Samplers, Ave and Steph ordered Tacos, and Kay Ordered the Lobster Mac and Cheese with an additional House Salad, and Jay ordered two Hot dishes I forget what they were.

40 minutes Later the First couple Dishes come out and, Ironically All the Dishes were Hot Dishes while the Salad and Cold Meat and Cheese Plate did Not. Again this makes No fucking sense since Obviously a fucking House Salad and Cold Meat and Cheese Plate should have been first since They were the Easiest to Fix. About half an Hour passes as the next few Items came in a On going Bizarre Fashion. My Wife’s Aunt Kay was Served Her Mac and Cheese 20 Minutes BEFORE Her House Salad was served. Also why the fuck You wouldn’t prepare the Two Orders of Mac and Cheese since I had order it as well at the same Time and serve them accordingly, But I was left in the Lurch as it were.

           

Finally everyone But My Wife and I had not only been Served They had completely finished. And since We had to kill so much fucking time waiting on Our Food that was slowly trickling out of the Kitchen We had exhausted virtually every topic of Conversation. Everyone was Tired from the Days Affairs and having Eaten where Now Succumbing to the Tiredness that comes with Digestion. Then My Wife’s food came to the Table directly followed by Mine. Now My Wife’s Family was being as cool as shit about it it was still apparent They were ready to Head on Home. It didn’t matter unfortunately even though They were being cool You can’t get Your food last and NOT feel fucking rushed, and that sucks since You go out to Enjoy your food and not feel like You have to Eat it fast as fuck since it came out so goddamn late.

The Worst Part was the Perky Flannel Millennial Girl kept popping by Our table periodically, and was trying to be all uplifting and positive TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS to the fact that the Entire Table was slowing becoming fed up with Their Food Service. Honestly if We weren’t having Dinner with My Wife’s Family I would have walked the fuck out as soon as the Euro Trash Millennial made the Initial New Service Policy Statement. And of course I’m trying like a Motherfucker to bite My Tongue and play it cool since I’m with My In laws and Not absolutely Loose My Shit since You couldn’t designed a Restaurant I could have Hated any More Than I fucking Hated Pompous Bistro I fucking assure You. I just kept envisioning snapping and Choke Slamming The Millennial Food Server wearing 1950’s Librarian Black Rim Glasses, and a Wool Knit Hat (so He looked like the Lost Member of Cold Play or some shit) through a fucking Table.

           

At last the Painfully Drawn Out Affair was done accept Now (and I don’t have a fucking clue WHY) Some People at Our Table wanted Dessert. Mind You had some unfinished Business that I had to attend to later that Evening, and it was a 90 minute Drive back to where I needed to be to do so. My Wife saw Me cringe with Contempt and the mention of Dessert reassured Me it was just Ice Cream with a Pastry or something similar So it should be that Bad. I responded by saying that We were dealing with complete culinary idiocy being felt out by a Cliche Cast of Mind Numbing Millennial Trendy Hipster Sons of Bitches.

Seriously it Took an HOUR before a House Salad that had been ordered actually made it to the Table not to Mention Her Cold Meat and Cheese Deal that essentially came out Dead Last. My Point being I had No Faith in these fucking Fools, and Any Possible Good Will had Faded Away Long, Long Ago. I wanted just One thing and one thing Only. I wanted to Leave Immediately at that Point in the Evening. Just under Half an Hour later The 3 Ice Cream Desserts Arrived, We ate Then quickly, Paid, and Left Never to Return.

           

I still Can’t wrap My head around such a Obviously Outrageously Idiotic Service, and No One I have asked Plenty of Whom Have Experience be it Past or Present in the Restaurant Service Industry. All I have come up with is Pompous Bistro was Built as a Monument to The Mundane Millennial Lifestyle where No One makes Plans, Shit Just Happens, and Where People can Lounge Around all Day with No Concerns or Responsibilities. Who cares when Their food comes When They have No Where To Be and Nothing To Do other than Obsess about Social Media, Play Moronic Games on Their Smart Phones, Stream Netflix for 12 Hours StraightBinge Watching Bullshit, Idly fucking around with Apps, and Sitting Around Working on Their Never Going to Happen Screen Play.

Thanks for Reading,

by Les Sober

“I’m Missing Two Legs.”

The other night on the way home from the grocery store (where My Wife and I had gone specifically to get shit for dinner) got lazy and went the Fast Food Route. We opted for Fried Chicken.

We pulled up to the Drive Thru Menu, and the Drive Thru Girl did the whole whole Hey how the hell are you, How’s the kids, Welcome to this Fast Food joint, and What do you want today bullshit.

We told her that we would like an 8 piece Dinner. The Girl mumbled something I really have no fucking clue what the hell she actually said. Now We could hear all the back round noise of the kitchen and shit so we couldn’t figure out who exactly the Girl was talking to us or a fellow employee. It was quite unclear.

We waited a minute or two and then repeated the original order. The reply we got from the Drive Thru Girl was this one statement:

“I’m missing two legs.”

My Wife and I had no idea what to make of this so my wife asked her to repeat what she had said and again it was “I’m missing two legs.”

 

This miscommunication goes on for just shy of 5 minutes where My Wife keeps attempting to clarify what the fuck this statement turned mantra was all about. The Entire time all the Girl said was I’m missing two legs.”

I was sitting there just as puzzled as my Wife and I started to wonder myself what the whole two legs statement means since the problem was we were missing any and all context.

I began thinking is this Girl handicapped and really wants me to know it for some bizarre reason? Did she just kill her Manager, dismember the Corpse, and now realized as she is bagging up the body that the legs are missing? Did she just suddenly look down and her fucking legs were missing? Was she an Amputee who had misplaced her prosthetic legs at work while sitting and working the Drive Thu?

In the end the explanation is more than anti-climactic.

What the Girl was trying in her own absurd way was this:

By “I” was We as in The Restaurant itself.

By “Missing” She meant Out Of

And By Legs she meant Drumsticks.

so “I’m missing two legs.” translated into “We (the Restaurant) are Out of Drumsticks, Can We make a substitution for you?”

She was also referencing that an 8 piece bucket of said Fried Chicken contains 2 Breasts, 2 Thighs, 2 Wings, and 2 Legs. Which when I thought about it made perfect sense.

What? Oh I know what your thinking and Your thinking well Duh no shit Sherlock.

Well as basic the answer is I had never spent any time (not a single second of my many, many years on this planet) contemplating the exact contents of a 8 piece bucket of Fried fucking Chicken, and the ratio of the various  Chicken’s Parts.

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober