Tag: Disney World

Growing Up & Getting Even

Phil never felt the need to grow up. Thats not to say He wasn’t aware he was going to get old and one day die because Phil was quite aware of this. For His entire childhood Phil had been told that People graduate High School, GoTo Collage, Graduate with a Degree, Get a Job, Get Married, Buy a House, Have Kids, Commit to a Career, Work, Grow old, Retire, and Die shortly there after.

This plan for ones life was absolutely unappealing to Phil. Phil didn’t want to live a Ridged , and Pre Structure Life, Phil was far too Abstract for all that traditional Social Norms Nonsense. Phil was what People refer to as a Free Spirit, a Person Who walked to the Beat of Their Own Drum, and Cut from a Different Cloth. It all inevitably  all lead to the fact most Friends/Family of Phil’s all agreed He suffered from a wicked case of Peter Pan Syndrome.

Peter Pan Syndrome isn’t a real Syndrome like Downs mind You. Its some stupid bullshit that Conformists created to define Those Who walked free from the Flock. PPS simple means that a Person for whatever reason(s) doesn’t grow up to be what is commonly called Mature.

   

The way Phil saw it Mature was just a fancy way of saying falling in line. Why should He watch what He was Saying?! Who gives a shit if something is “Not what People Do”?! Why not do something Unusual?!

Phil truly felt that if He was born a totally unique one of a kind and that there was no one exactly like Him Why would He then opt to Act, Dress, Behave,and Live Life like Everyone fucking Else?! Be a Leader Not a Lemming was Phil’s personal motto since He was 13 years old.

So Phil did in fact Graduate from High School, and gave Collage a Try. Collage was far more free flowing than High School had been, BUT Phil couldn’t seem to figure out a Educational Path to Follow.

   

Since Collage was’t in Phil’s future He did the Only Other thing He could do ACCORDING to His Parents, Family, Teachers, Guidance Counselors, and all Other Authority Figures.

It took next to No Time for Phil to realize He detested Working for Another. Phil always had a Extremely Strong Aversion to ANY AND ALL AUTHORITY FIGURES. Just like other People Phil resented Someone having the Power and control over Him, BUT unlike the Others Phil didn’t hide His feelings just the opposite.

Phil was VERY Outspoken about his Views, Opinions, and General Thinking. Phil didn’t have this fucking “Filter” as They say though Phil always thought Filters were for fucking Pools not People.

   

One Day Phil decided to relocate to Florida as He hated Cold fucking Weather with a passion, and there was nothing keeping Phil tied down as He wasn’t married, No Kids, Didn’t own a House or Business, wasn’t attending Collage, and He had come to hate pretty much everyone in His Home Town of Phukuville. Thus Phil could simple up and move with little notice or planning involved.

Once Phil made it to Florida He settled in Orlando renting a Small Apartment in a Cheaply Built Apartment Building off of Orange Blossom Trail. Phil’s crappy Apartment had one perk if You will as it was just a mere 8 minutes from Disney World.

Phil needed work quick to get some positive cash flow coming in. Phil first took a job as a Short Order Cook at a Country Themed Restaurant call The Black Eyed Pea. The Black Eyed Pea is essentially a Poor Man’s 3rd rate Cracker Barrel rip off. Phil had a blast partying with His coworkers, BUT inevitably Phil ended up Quitting on the Spot on Day due to the fact He felt the Manager was just being a dick for the sake of being a dick.

   

Phil then took a Job as a Telemarketer and absolutely hated everything about the Job. His employer was some vaguely shady company with a token cliche name referencing America. The hours were odd, and the pay was less than appealing. Phil didn’t speak to His coworkers as He felt They were all fucking Basket Cases, had legit Mental Health issues, had Drug issues, or some sort of unscrupulous Scumshit (a Low Life Piece of Shit).

When Phil got so sick of the Job that He wanted to Burn the fucking Call Center Down decided to just never go back fuck’em. After that Phil eked by one His meager savings, and small loans from Family Members. Finally the Bank Account ran dry and there was No More Family to ask for a Loan Phil had a moment of clarity.

Phil went out bright and early the next morning to purchase a Newspaper. Phil then went home and proceeded to open the paper to the Classifieds where something absolutely amazing. Phil saw an Advertisement for Help Wanted at Disney World, and this NEVER HAPPENS. The reason that a Help Wanted ad was so rare it was like spotting a fucking Bigfoot riding on the back of a Unicorn was this.

First and foremost NO ONE currently Employed by Disney World would quite unless They HAD NO OTHER CHOICE BUT TO DO SO. Why You ask? Simple. Disney World payed REALLY WELL and the Benefits were fucking UNREAL. Second the rarest of occasions that a Job at Disney World did open up it was filled almost instantly. Hiring at Disney World is identical to the Auditions for American fucking Idol as in HUNDREDS of People Apply.

Taking the Want add as a sign Phil boarded the first Bus headed to Disney World. Once Phil arrived it took Him 90 fucking minutes to locate where the Hiring Office actually was as Disney World is Big as Hell.

   

In spite of the massive delay in locating the Hiring Office Phil was the first one there as the Office was just opening. Phil was released as he had hailed ass through the Parks and all because as He was looking for the Hiring Office He say a multitude of Other People doing the same. Perhaps this was part of the Hiring Process Phil wondered as sometimes Employers do weird shit like that to see You is determined and Who preservers.

The Job was for a Wild West Restaurant Actor which was described to Phil in the following way. There was a Huge Wild West Themed Restaurant in one of the several Disney World Parks that had Actors working there in addition to the Servers and Kitchen Staff. Actors/Actresses dressed as Cowboys in 18th century Wild West Attire and Acted out various Storylines.

   

NOW THIS WAS NO DINNER THEATER At Least NOT in the Conventional Sense. Unlike normal Dinner Theaters were Dinners filled a Dinning room and the Actors put on They’re performance on a Stage. There was No Stage at the Wild West Restaurant.

Instead the Actors and Actresses preformed the set Stories/Story Lines while roaming through out the Entire Restaurant among the Dinners. And this being a Wild West Theme there were Bank Robberies, Foot Chases, Ho Downs, Town Meetings, and Yes Gun Fights happening around the Visitors as They ate.

Phil aced the interview which was far from surprising as Phil was blessed with the Gift of Gab,and could seriously turn up the Charm when He needed too. Phil was given the Job as “Cowboy ” who would do all sort of cool things from playing Poker at a Table mixed in with the Diners or Having full blow Gun Fights. The Roles He’s play would change Daily to keep it fresh for the Visitors and more Interesting for Actors and Actresses.

   

Time ticked by as the weeks turned into Months and Phil feel head over heels for His official Job as a Fictional Cowboy. He had money in the Bank. He moved to a much nicer (but still cheaply constructed) 2 Bedroom Town House. He bought a New Car. Life was good.

Christmas came around and for the very first time in Phil’s life he mailed out Christmas cards. Phil had never put much thought into shit like Christmas Cards because they didn’t register as important a thing as they did for other People. So Phil hit up the local Hallmark Store and bought a slew of Christmas Cards.

Phil headed home and started filling out the Christmas Cards He had purchased to send to ALL His Friends and Family back home as well as Several Other Key People (one being for example His High School Principle Mr. Witless) As soon as He was done the last one Phil mailed them immediately without hesitation.

   

When Phil’s Seasons Greeting Christmas Cards arrived to His Entire Family, Every One of His Friends, and Some Others (His first Boss Dick Pickler from Samuel Goody’s a Chain of Commercial Record Stores) They all happily oped the envelope, opened the card, took a deep breath, and read…..

Hello and Happy Holidays Assholes,

For years You all told Me relentlessly time and time again to Grow up, Act My Age and Get a Job. Well I’m a full grown Adult now ,and I have a full time Job with Excellent Pay/Benefits.

What is My Job? What do I Do?

I dress up in a Authentic Cowboy Costume and Play Cowboys & Indians for 12 hours 4 fucking Days a week. Thats what the fuck I do for a Living so Fuck Your Bad Advice, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year Shitheads!

  See Ya Later PHIL!

Thanks for Reading,

   By Les Sober

Absurdia Providing The Finest Dining in Exorbitant Opulence: The Menu’s Historical Intro

Welcome to Absurdia,

We hope you enjoy your night here with us at Absurdia where we provide the premier in the finest of fine dinning experience. Absurdia was built originally in 1414 here in Historic Trendillia Pretentious Creek, Maine.

Back in the Year 1414 The Absurdia Building was Pretentious Creek’s Major Manure Factory, and continued on as such until 1515 when what was then named The MannCox Magnificent Manure Manufacturers burned down due to accidental arson.

The Absurdia Building was rebuilt 17 years latter on the exact same site and the exact same size in 1532 were it served as the Local Village Common House where the towns folk would congregate to discuss all matter of town issues and politics.

The Absurdia Building was again transformed in 1616 when the Local Town decided to all become Haagarians (a early form of communism), and abandoned Absurdia. This time Asurdia was reincarnated as the Melvin Family Meat Packing and Butchery Warehouse.

After 88 hardworking years of back breaking toil, and undying commitment Marvin Melvin (the Patriarch of the Melvin Family Meat Packing and Butchery Warehouse) finally became famous for selling an impeccable product. MP&BW became known far and wide for Providing only the most superior steaks, and commanding cuts of meat.

It was then as soon as the Family Business was a undenied success in 1704 that Marvin Melvin immediately shut the family business down, moved back home to Illard Idaho, and spent the rest of his days fishing for Delaware River Eels.

Next The Absurdia Building was the Premier Bone Grinding Mill this side of the Mississippi in 1705. When the Industrial Fans (circa 1919) are on full force in the sweltering Summers the fans dislodge some of the still remaining caked on Bone Dust that’s compiled in compacted layers upon the buildings ceiling. This antique Bone Dust helps to enhance Absurdia’s Food’s flavor profiles, and it provides a truly once in a lifetime mouth feel. The Bone Mill sadly closed its doors in 1818 after a it was discovered by the local Authorities that the proprietors of The Bone Mill were in fact Cannibals who used the Bone Mill to dispose of the Bones of They’re Victims.

The Absurdia Building had a following streak of good luck when it purchased and turned into a Brewery in the late Winter of 1819 by The Boozy Brothers. The Boozy Brothers were German Immigrants decended from a long, and prestigious line of Master Brewers. The Boozy Brother brand of Beer was an instant success and the brewery thrived. That was until Prohibition of Alcohol was passed in 1920 causing the Brewery to close its doors, and the Boozy Brothers ended up moving to Latvia to raise Domestic Wildebeests for Their Milk.

In 1927 the Absurdia Building was used by The McShiner Clan who ran an illegal Moonshine Operation until Their main Stills ruptured during the fermentation process leading to a massive fire that burned for a week strait (fueled by all the Moonshine that had been stock piled inside over several months.) The fire was so bright it was said it could be seen from the Town of Semisuk a whole 111 miles away.

The Absurdia Building was then acquired by Cain and Able’s Biblical Sausage Company who manufactured Saul’s Devine Sausages for countless customers around the globe. The company enjoyed international success until 1938 when in a tragic turn of events Cain murdered Able over the Secret Family Recipe for Their famed Sausages.

With the end of The Great Depression the Absurdia went through several other transitions over the remaining years until Today.

In 1939 the newly renovated Absurdia Building was owned and operated as a Bierliebhaber’s Beer Hall by the one, and only Mister Ivan Bierliebhaber.  Mr. Bierliebhaber remained the Proprietor until he decided to suddenly retire when his Great, Great Grandfather was born in 1944.

The Absurdia Building then sat Vacant for a year, and became inhabited by Bums, Hobo’s, and other various Ne’er-do-wells who referred to the building as “A Home for the Homeless”.

In 1945 The Absurdia Building was bought by The State of Maine, and turned into at the Salvation Soup Kitchen employing many of its past residents as kitchen staff. The Soup Kitchen remained functional until 1955 when the Bowling For Soup Program was initiated throughout the entire State itself.

The next phase in the Absurdia Building’s long legacy started in 1955 when a growing Cured Meat company by the name of  Carnes Curadas out of Lisbon Portugal. The Carnes Curdadas was solely responsible for the introduction of Beef (and Other types of) Jerky to America.

Canes Curdadas produced over 400 different types of Portuguese Jerkies including: Beef, Venison, Chicken, Lobster, Quail, Beaver, Octopus, Badger, Bison, Trout, Jellyfish,Snapping Turtle, Alligator, Rattle Snake, Bat, Flying Squirrel, and Chupacabra for example. Carnes Curdadas moved out of The Absurdia Building to Open a Store in DisneyWorld in the spring of 1966.

In 1966 The Absurdia Building became the per project of Entrepreneurial Vincent Von Dire who envisioned it as Live Music Venue he named simply the  Psychedelic. And to this day The Absurdia Restaurant boasts the largest collection of Celebrity Vomit Stains in the Northern Hemisphere.

If you look hard enough (in fact one year the Owners of Absurdia made a Charity Scavenger Hunt using the Stains Creator as clue) you can see vomit stains from the likes of Jim Morrison, Hunter S. Thompson, Freddie Mercury, David Bowie, Robert Plant, Janis Joplin, Any Warhol, Lenny Bruce and MORE!

In 1977 The Psychedelic was forced to shut its doors when owner Vincent Von Dire accidentally overdosed by drinking 8 ounces of the extremely potent Flower Power LSD mistaking it for a Gin and Tonic.

The Absurdia Building then was reborn as Skeeter’s Roller Rink and Pinball Arcade on November 5, 1977. Skeeter’s became wildly popular especially among the local youth who were damn well tired of underage drinking followed by Cow tipping every weekend.

In 1979 two years after opening Skeeter’s owner  Jimmy “Skeeter” Watson started hosting a Town Roller Derby League featuring his own team called The Skeet Shooters (who became League Champs in 1980 through the 1985 season). This made Skeeters the number one source of entertainment in the all of Maine’s  17,017 Counties. Unfortunately what put Skeeter’s on the Map would also be its downfall.

On the Night of September 18, 1985 Skeeter’s was shut down premaritally by the Federal Authorities when a violent, and deadly Roller Derby Riot broke out and quickly spread into the fans in attendance. By the time the Police had the situation under control 1,9767 People had been crushed to death under Roller Skates, and there were 1,980 injured. The Owner was charged with “Unsafe Conditions” as well as “Inciting a Riot” before he fled persecution by running to Alaska to become a Lone Beaver Trapper living off the Land and Beaver Pelt Trade.

In the Fall of 1985 the son of previous owner Vincent Von Dire, Vladimiro Von Dire the CEO of Obscure Films Incorporated. Vladimiro turned the Absurdia Building into an Niche Movie Theater specializing in B-Horror films, Foreign Films, Exploitation Films, Banned Films, Rare Hard To Find Films, Troma Films, Cult Films, and Films by up and coming underground film makers. Vladimiro christened his Theater The Obscura Ocular.

Even though the Theater didn’t exactly appeal to the general public nor demographic it limped along for years turning a meager profit. Finally Vladimiro closed the Theater, and moved to Hell’s Kitchen NYC in an attempt to work with Independent Film Icon, and Troma Co-Founder Lloyd Kauffman.

The Last film to be shown at Obscura Ocular was a Midnight Double Feature with “Mouth Full of  Maggots” and “Inner Child Abuse” (both by Vladimiro’s estranged Father the Legendary, and highly Controversial Cult Filmmaker Vincent Von Dire) on May 8th 1991.

In July of 1991 The Absurdia Building had yet another new owner in the band Malice who converted it into Their private Recording Studio, but due to the unending volitive nature of the band, constant touring, and a mind boggling  list of Line Up Changes led to the band never actually recording a single note in the $19 million State of the Art Studio

Finally in February 1999 The Absurdia Building was bought by Leviticus Van Trundle of the Van Trundle Family Fortune. Leviticus was the consumate Glutton who’s undying passion for Food drove him to purchase the Building. He  dubbed his new establishment  Absurdia after his favorite Chef Allister Absurdia. Leviticus’s desire was to create, and elevate the Finest Foods from the Four Corners of the Earth under one magnificent roof.

But You Can Read More About That in the “Who’s Who” of the Staff here at Absurdia from our Maitre D’Resturant to Our World Class Chefs in the Following Pages of Our Menu.

Thanks for Reading,

 By Les Sober