For those of Us that Drink Alcoholic Beverages like Myself We all have had Drunken Mishaps Along the Way. Everything from Drunken Phone Calls professing Undying Love to an Irritated Ex to Vomiting to a Full Blown Bar Room Brawl We’ve all been there at Least Once when Alcohol is Involved. This is one of those Not so Proud Moments during a Night Out Drinking like there was No Tomorrow a Few Years Back.
It all Started with a New Job, New Office, and of course New Co-Workers. I’m not what one would call a Social Butterfly by Any Means, but over the First Few Weeks I slowly became Friends with a Coworker Named Zander. Zander and I worked in the Same Small Department which made it Easier for ME to Socialize Comfortably. So as Time Rolled On I reached that Pivotal Point in a Work Friendship where You ask said Friend if They in fact would like to Hangout Outside of Work. Now I new Zander had Three Young Kids all Under the Age of Ten so Free Time was Something He had in Extremely Short Supply. Thats One Life Lesson We all Eventually Learn, and that is When Your Friends have Kids They Disappear. It’s like They go into some Parenting Witness Protection Program.
What even First Time Parents Don’t Fully fucking Realize is that When You have a Kid Your Entire Life becomes dedicated to one Sole Purpose and that’s Raising the Child/Children. Also it’s Not its Not just in the Physical World that Their Absence is Notable either. They Stop returning Texts, Answering Emails, Taking Phone Calls, and They Abandon Their Social Media Accounts. If By Chance Do Keep a Social Media Account Active it turns into the “HEY LOOK AT MY KID EVERYBODY” as if the Entire Rest of the World has a fucking Vested Interest in the Daily Life of Your Child. Anyway back to the Story.
One Day I finally asked Zander if He wanted to go get a Beer or Something After Work since it was Friday, and the beginning of the Weekend Plus it was Pay Day. Zander thought about it the Way Parents Do by Pausing, Getting Quit, and Starring off like They’re going into a Trance. I mean its Not like You asked Them an Advanced Calculous Question, but again a Child is a Dominating Force to be Reckoned with. I waited patiently watching the Gears in Danders Head start Spinning as He did a Mental Checklist of Kid Shit He may or may Not have to Do (as Well as Responsibilities like Feeding the Kids and all that Maintenance Shit). At Last Zander returned to the Adult World Outside of His Head, and Said He was pretty sure He could come Out, BUT He had to Run Home Directly afterwork to Clear it with His Wife. It made sense to Me since No One like getting Shafted with having to Handle the Kids/Kid Shit by One’s Self as Raising a Child is a Tag Team Activity. The way We left it was Once I got to the Bar I would call Zander at Home and He would come on Down.
I decided on a Local Old Man Dive Bar in the Area since called Maloney’s because I hate Sports Bars or Any Loud, Packed, and Obnoxious Bar for that matter. I also figured it was an Ideal Spot because the Drinks Were Strong and Cheap since being a Parent of Three Money as well as Time always seems to be an Issue. Now You must Understand a Few Things about Maloney’s to Understand some of the Reasons for the Confusion. First Off this was Back in the when People could Smoke in Bars allowing Them to get Cancer while becoming an Alcoholic. Maloney’s being a Old Man Dive Bar was full of Not Just Smokers, But Old School Smokers from Back in the Days when Doctor’s Did TV Ads for Cigarette Companies.
These were the Hardcore Smokers Who Woke Up ever Morning and the First thing They did was Light up a Smoke, and Use it to light the Next Smoke, and The Next, and the Next. They’d Chain-smoke all Day and Night Long just Lighting One Smoke off of the Previous One No Need for a Lighter or Match. Considering Maloney’s is/was a Small Hole in the Wall that at Most was around 500 Square Feet the Cloud of Smoke inside was Constant and Thick. Another thing about Maloney’s is the Lighting is Virtually Non Existent. It was so goddamn Dark that when You entered You had to Stand in the Door for Several Minutes while Your eyes did Their Best to Adjust to the Bare Minimum Lighting.
When I got there with My Wife We Noticed a Handful of Regulars that We were Friendly with were Sitting at the Bar. We said Hey to the People We Knew and I started Drinking. It wasn’t until the 4th beer or So that I remembered I was supposed to call Zander. Well after 2-3 more Beers I actually called Him. Zander said His Wife was Cool with taking care of the Kid Shit for the Evening. Zander then said He’d be Down in about Half an Hour since He was Driving from His In-Laws Who lived a Town or Two Over. Since I had honored My Obligations I simply went back to Drinking. I had lost Track of Time and the Number of Beer/Shots I was consuming when My Wife Leaned Over and asked Me if That Was My Friend Who had Just Walked In. We Were in a Far Corner table Since I have to Sit where I can See Everything and Everyone due to being rather Paranoid. I strained My Eyes battling the Lower than Low Lighting, and Peering intently through the Heavy Cloud of Smoking hanging in the Room. The Man who had just Arrived was approximately the same age and Height as Zander so based on those Observations alone decided it was in deed Zander.
As I walked across the Room the Man walked over and took a Seat at the Bar where He immediately started fucking with His Phone. I get one to the Bar and take a Seat on the Empty Stool Next to the Man still under the Assumption that I He’s My New Friend Zander. The Man doesn’t Acknowledge My Presence, in fact He didn’t bat single fucking Eye Lash He remained Face Down in His Phone utterly Oblivious. While I was approached the Bar I had heard the Man order a Vodka and Cranberry, and Not Knowing Zander’s Drink of Choice I used this to Break the Ice. I said “Vodka and Cranberry Huh?” to which the Man Ever so Slightly and I mean almost imperceivable to the Human Eye turned His Head in My Direction and Grunted something Obviously Not giving a Flying fuck about what I had to Say. I Sat there in a Confused Drunken Stupor trying to Figure Out what the fuck was going on with Zander. Had He had a Fight with His Wife on the way out the Door, Gotten a phone call with some Bad News on the Way Over, Or Perhaps He was just an Introverted Dick when He was Off The Clock.
Before I can contemplate what to do in this Bizarre Situation My Wife comes Up Behind Me and Leans Over to Talk to Me. Ironically My Wife (the One Who had Pointed the Man to Me in the First fucking Place) informs Me that I am have Mistaken a Complete fucking Stranger for My Friend Zander, and She knew this since while I was Sitting at the Bar the Real Zander had Arrived. Luckily Zander had been able to Identify My Wife and had come over to the Table to say Hello and Properly Introduce Himself. Granted due to being Overtly Intoxicated (aka Drunk as Drunk can Be) I was Not at all Subtle in My Processing of this New Information courtesy of My Wife. I Jumped Off the Stool and Demanded to know, even though I was the Confused One, to know Who the Fuck was I Sitting Next Too, and What the fuck was He doing Here Exactly. I treated the Situation as if This Unknown Asshole was at Fault for the Mistake, as if He had Purposefully planned to Confuse the Hell Out of Me. This Obviously of Course was Not the Case at All.
My Wife Escorted Me back to Our Table where I greeted Zander and Proceeded to have an Extremely Enjoyable Night. In Fact God knows How Long its been Since I left that Job, but Zander and I still get out once in a while for a couple of Beers.
Thanks For Reading,
By Les Sober 
By SpaceDog