Tag: Dunkin

The Tale of Dunkin Donuts Man & Starbucks Woman

I was out this Weekend with My Wife at The Godawful Grocery Store Battling the Mind Numbing Monotony of it All. You see Errands Irritate the Shit Out of Me it’s Not the Actual Act of Shopping its All the Other Assholes I have to circumvent or Deal with Outright. The One thing that was Amusing Me was the New Dunkin Donuts T-Shirt I found in My Closet (I can’t remember where it came from Initially.) which Read: Friends Don’t Let Friends Drink Starbucks.

I got a huge fucking kick as I am a Big Time Dunkin Donuts Fan I also fucking HATE THE SHIT OUT OF STARBUCKS always Have ALWAYS WILL. Starfuck’s Coffee is a bunch of Over Hyped and Over Priced Bitter Bullshit, and Not Only That but Starfucks Customers are Pretentiously Lame Lemmings. Starfucks Pompus Customers that get Off on all the Happy Hipster Horseshit like calling the Employees Baristas or the fucking Ridiculously Coded Names for Their Coffees.

My Wife stepped away for a Minute to retrieve some sort of Ass Cream. This was for the Sole purpose of having Me ask Why She was Buying Ass Cream, and then Her Saying  “It’s for My Asshole.” before Handing it Directly To Me with a Sly Smile. I like to see that I rubbed off on Her a Bit over the Years even if its My Absurd Sarcastic Sense Humor.

       

While My Wife was off Getting Her Prop so She could Set Me Up a Woman came Strolling By. Then out of fucking No Where She stops right in from of Me. She stood there Facing Me glaring like She just smiled the Foulest Fart imaginable with one Hand on the Shopping Cart Handle and the Other on Her Waist. She remained standing thee like that before finally speaking the fuck up, and when She did She Said “I HATE Your Shirt.” in a Totally Pissed the fuck Off tone of Voice.

After making Her Spite Filled Statement She again just Stood there in front of Me Disapprovingly like a Angry ass Soccer Mom or Some shit. Now Normally I’d have a Clever and Bitter Response that would have Leveled Her, BUT I was completely Blind Sided by This Barrage of Bullshit. So going with My Knee Jerk Reaction I Blurted out “Well Fuck You Too.” To My Surprise the Woman remained Standing Unfazed by My Harsh and Foul Mouthed Response.

The Two of Us remained in this bizarre Stand Off until luckily for Me My Wife returned. She immediately knew something weird was going on by  the Scowl on My face. She asked what was going on, and I informed Her this Stranger had Stopped specifically to tell Me she Hated My Shirt. That and at that Point I had responded with the exclamation “Well Fuck You Too.” My Wife looked over at the Lady and said to her something about being a Starbucks Lover (aka Dunkin Donut Hater) to which The Strange Woman confirmed.

I was still a bit baffled by this bullshit scenario because She didn’t say She Hated My Shirt Jokingly, She didn’t say it Sarcastically, and She didn’t do the Whole “I’m only half Joking because really I’m being a Dick using a Backhanded Compliment.” She simply got in My face and Told Me She Hated My Shirt with No Context or Emotion other than Repulsed Disgust.

A Moment or Two after Admitting Her comment was Pro Starbucks Driven the Woman finally Turned and slowly walked away pushing Her Shopping Cart with Aggravated Determination. Seconds after the Woman Exited the Isle a Man came by and informed Me he liked the Shirt and thought it made all the sense in the World. He pointed out How this Weirdo Woman’s reaction only served to back the Statement written on My T-Shirt. Thats because Starbucks Coffee is Not just a fucking Scam, BUT Their Customers are Stuck the fuck Up Elitist Coffee Assholes to boot.

We finished Our Shopping Trip without Running into the StarBucks Bitch again which I guess is for the Best since I ended up getting rather Pissed Myself after the Fact. The funny fucking thing is Out of ALL (I have an extensive Collection I’ve Accumulated over My Many Years on this Planet) T-Shirts that I Own This was the One that Pissed Off Someone to the Point They had to Personally Inform Me of Their Hate. I mean in all actuality have some T-shirts that are So Offensive I don’t wear them in Public Anymore, Yet its NOT because Someone Confronted Me over any of Them. I’m just trying to Save Myself Bullshit Run Ins like The One I just Wrote About.

Thanks for Reading,

 By Les Sober

Our Exodus From The Great Southern Swamp Once & For All

As all these stories start we woke at dawn (or the ass crack off dawn for my fellow non morning friends) and proceeded to try to drink Dunkin Doughnuts out of coffee. We had to wait until 11 am before we could pick up the small army of Uhaul trailers the reason being our Slumlord wouldn’t allow us to park the vehicles in the parking lot overnight like an asshole. So we set out to finish “Tidying Up” and do last minute patching, painting and deep cleaning while we waited. I don’t personally have the patience to wait which is why I hate waiting. Patience is a virtue I was born without.

Finally we get the Uhauls lined up out front of the office and for the next 4 hours did nothing but load the trucks up one after the other. We then packed up our office animal and put rubber to asphalt. Just our luck The Great Southern Swamp had one more fuck you for us as we made our final escape. The entire east side of The Great Southern Swamp was hit with a series of brutal tropical storms. The storms were so intense you couldn’t see the tail lights of the car 6 feet in front of you thus slowing down our progress severely. After battling the tropical storms for almost 8 hours we crossed the state line leaving the Great Southern Swamp looming in our review mirrors.

The rest of the trip to the Southern Country went relatively smooth in spite of god knows how many fueling stops, bathroom breaks and other minor difficulties. We reached our new home office (which since moving have decided to dub “The Black Lodge” a tribute to the band Anthrax, what I told you I’m older than dinosaur shit?!) a little past 3 am and were needless to say exceptionally glad to have reached our destination and get the hell off the road. As we started to unload My Wife suddenly informed me the only key we had was missing. We stumbled around road weary and some what sleep deprived (everyone was excited about the move so no one really got any thing resembling actual sleep) looking in vain for the lost key. It was the brought to my attention there was a back up emergency key stashed about 30 minutes away. Not thrilled in the least my Wife and I got in our car, leaving the kids (staff) and critters on the front porch of The Black Lodge. Once we reached the house where our emergency key was at we had to enter the code given to us by the owner to shut off the security alarm. Needless to say in our delirious state we instead of shutting the alarm off we set it off. I can not begin to describe the sound this alarm made it was not only deafening (even with your fingers in your ears so far their tickling your brain) and disorienting in it self. It was so insanely loud we actually could think coherently, it was like the kind of shit the police/military/government agencies do when they blast music to end a standoff.

I managed to hold my shit together long enough to clock the alarm company’s phone number off the alarm box and ran across the street to call them. The alarm company was cool as shit and the problem was taken care of, well that one at least. My Wife then went in to retrieve our emergency key and I shit you not it wasn’t there. I then tried to contact the owner which took awhile being at that point it was around quarter to 4 in the morning. I did catch up with the owner in the end who then informed me they had our key with them. The only issue with that was the owner was on vacation in motherfucking Las Vegas which obviously left us high and dry.

With no other option my Wife and I got back in the car once again and headed back to The Black Lodge. Once we arrived we informed the Kids (Staff) we would be sleeping in the same vehicles we were so happy to get out of in the first fucking place. Fortunately that would only translate to approximately 4 hours or so because it turned out our contractor still had a copy of our key which we retrieved at 8:30 am the next day.

All in All it seems like a fitting end to our chapter in The Great Southern Swamp and our the start of our new chapter here in The Southern Country.

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober