Tag: EMT

We’re The Worst Superhero’s of All Time

My Wife and I had planned a Road Trip to get Out of Town for a While and to take a break from Life’s endless Trial, Tribulations, and General Horseshit. We board Our 4 Large Rottweilers at a Boarding Facility a Couple of Towns Over from Our little Neck of the Woods. We Board them since 4 Rottweilers on the Road in a fucking Hatchback would be an Insane Undertaking.

We loaded Up the Dogs and hit the Road headed to a Town a few over from us. It was a pleasantly sunny Day but Hot as a Motherfucker with a Humidity Index of 90%. My Wife was Driving and I saw mindlessly staring out the Window checking out the Scenery as We drove along to Our Destination.

Far down the Road almost almost out of Sight a Black SUV looking Vehicle that had pulled up in front of one of the Many Abandoned Buildings that Dot the Countryside, and all of a Sudden the Vehicle took off like a Bat Ot of Hell with its ass on Fire. The Vehicle quickly disappeared out of Sight and We continued Our uneventful Drive.

       

The Next thing I saw was truly one of those things that makes You think to Yourself What The Fuck s That About. As I was blankly staring at the Thick Woods that lined the side of the Road I saw a Man with a Shaved Head, Shirtless, with a Homeless Floridian Panhandler’s Tan, and carrying what appeared to be a Military Type Duffle Bad Deal slung over His Shoulder. He stuck out like the Preverbal sore fucking Thumb since We were in a long and virtually uninhabited stretch of Road with a Few scattered Houses spaced Out along it.

The weirdest fucking thing was this Guy was Walking Out of the Woods towards the Road. This normally wouldn’t concern Me in the Least as I have said We live in the Boonies so Seeing a Hunter decked out in Head to Toe Camo standing on the Side of the Road or walking out of the Woods is just Typical around here. This Guy wasn’t a Hunter in fact for all intensive  purposes He looked like a fucking Homeless Junkie.

Before I could even make  comment to My Wife about the Strange Junkie Emerging from the Woods We came around a Blind Curve, and there was the Black SUV Vehicle that had come to a COMPLETE dead Stop as if it was in a Parking Spot at some fucking Walmart. Since it was a Blind fucking curve there was 20 feet between Our car goin 50 miles an Hour or so (The Speed limit is 55 on that road, but as You can imagine People drive even Faster because they can’t seem to kill themselves fast enough.) and the Unknown Vehicle that was again at a DEAD STOP. I had just enough time to say My Wife’s Name and then all We could do is Prepare for Impact.

       

Our Lives didn’t flash before Our eyes, It wasn’t like being in a fucking Movie, and Nothing appeared to go into Slow Motion. I a split NANO SECOND I saw the Vehicle and thought Holy fucking Shit Their not Moving, and then just simply the word Fuck then We collided with the Rear End of the Vehicle in Question. We hit so fucking Hard not only did BOTH Air Bags Deploy they fucking Exploded filling the Car with a think Cloud of Chemical Dust that smelled like Burning Plastic. The Hood of the Car was crumpled all the way back to the base of the Shattered Windshield like a Crinkle Cut Fry.

The Dogs thank fucking God weren’t Hurt as They slammed against Each other and collapsed in a Heap all accept for Mama Dog who had been sitting between the Front seats so She could see out the Windshield. Mama Dog came flying forward between the Seats Head First towards the Windshield, and I stuck My Arm Out like a Toll Gate catching Her before She smacked into the Windshield or the Dash Board. Our Ears were ringing, We were uncontrollably shaking a good Bit, and Spent the first couple of Minutes trying to figure Out if We were in fact Dead. Luckily We were alive and Not seriously Hurt.

       

My Wife excited the Vehicle by Squeezing Herself out the Car door that at this point barely Opened enough for Her to do so. I checked on the Dogs who were handling the Accident far better it appeared than We Humans. I then had to Crawl out of the Car Window since My Door was so jacked the fuck up it Couldn’t Open not even a Crack. The Other driver walked Over to Us as I slid out of the Car Window, and looked as in Shock as We did as Everyone’s Adrenaline was Flowing like the fucking Mississippi River after a Major Down Pour. The Entire Engine lay Exposed to the Sun tilted to the Left, Anti Freeze along with Oil and Radiator Water were Draining Out Every fucking where. There was Shrapnel consisting of the Front Bumper, Head Lights, and Various Extraneous Debris splayed out across the Asphalt.

We established No One was seriously Hurt and as We stood there in Shock to the Point No One could Figure Out what to do Next. We finally Mentally collected Ourselves enough to think some what strait and knew We had to call the Police and then Our Insurance Company immediately. Before We could call the Cops a Gnarly Fire Fighter Rescue Pick Up Truck pulled up Behind Our Vehicle. The Truck was fucking Huge even by Truck standards and had Flashing Lights on Top with the Station Number in the Middle of a Badge Insignia (1211 by the way). The Driver was a rather Big Fellow decked out in Navy Blue Cargo Pants, Shit Kicker Boots, Navy T-shirt with The Fire Rescuer’s Emblem on it, and a Navy hat also sporting the Fire Rescue Logo.

       

The Fire Rescue Fellow showed up so Fast like I said We hadn’t even dialed the Police as We all were still Badly Shaken Up by what had just occurred. It turned Out there was another Young Man not looking a Day over 22 with the Fire Rescue Fellow who jumped out, threw on a Florescent Yellow Vest like the Road Construction Crews wear, and crossed to the Other side of the Road to Direct Traffic as the Vehicle We Hit was still parked in the road blocking the Entire Lane.

The Next to Show was the Ambulance and the EMTS who We informed were not needed at this Time as No One was Seriously Hurt nor Requesting Medical Attention. I’d like to pause here for a brief second. I fully fucking Believe there should be a 24 Hour Medical Consultation Law that Allows Victims of Car Accidents a FULL 24 Hours to Seek Treatment POST Accident. This is due to the Fact that with all the fucking Adrenaline and Sheer Shock of it All People aren’t aware of Injuries at the exact Time o the Crash. I mean unless Your Unconscious, Profusely Bleeding, have a Broken Limb, or are Trapped in the Wreck People always Dismiss the Paramedics. Then later when the Adrenaline and its wonderful knifing effects wear the hell off You start to become aware of all the Sore Muscles, Bruises, Scratches, and Cuts that You incurred in the Accident.

       

Now Back to Our Story.

Its at this Point The Story takes an Unforeseen Twist when the Fire Rescue Fellow asks My Wife and I if We saw the Bald Junkie Dude run into the Woods with something and then Run back out again. We told the Fire Rescue Fellow What We had seen and then told Him that after Impact We were to fucked in the Head to Notice what the fuck The Junkie did or didn’t do. I then informed the Fire Rescue Fellow of what I had seen before the collision. The Fire Rescue Fellow informed us the reason He had made it onto the Scene so Fast was the Next Car to come down the Road after Our accident was in fact His Brother who called Him Directly to report the Crash and let His Brother Know some Guy had run into the Woods to ditch Who Knows What. The Fire Rescue Fellow then told Us He would remain at the Crash Site because and I quote “Theres something Not right about those Guys.” referring to the Occupants of the Other Car.

The Other Driver walked up and instantly the Fire Rescue Fellow asked Her straight up what was it that the Guy hid in the Woods. She of course says She has No fucking Clue who He is or That She was picking Him Up. She went on to say the Other Woman in the Car who looked like Your Stereotypical Meth Addict was Her Best Friend who She hadn’t seen in 6 months (More than likely because the bitch was doing a 6 month bit in County Jail), and the Guy was Her Boyfriends who again She had No Clue about. This is a Classic Drug Addict explanation as its full of fucking Holes. The Fire Rescue Fellow tells the Woman The Police are in Route, and He’ll have Them bring a K-9 Unit out if Necessary. She stuck to Her story and things progressed.

       

A Actual Fire Truck showed Up, but since there was No Fire (Thank fucking God) there was No Need for Them so They left for Somewhere They were in fact Needed. As The Fire Truck was pulling away the Local Sheriff Patrol Cars pulled Up. The Sheriffs made Sure We were indeed Ok and Prceeded to Help Direct the increasing amount of Traffic that was backing Up as The Sheriffs Closed BOTH Lanes simultaneously. The Sheriffs also made sure No One tried to Leave the Scene of the accident, and to Insure there was No Physical Confrontation between those involved in the Accident.

I’m not gonna lie as I stood there watching things unfold I had to fight the Impulse to Run Over to the Other Vehicle (which was a Jeep it turned out not an SUV), and Beat the Holy fucking shit Out of the Junkie Dude since it was essentially His fault. If His filthy Drug Addled ass was being picked up on the side of the fucking Road by His Drug Addict supposed Girlfriend and the Other Driver NON of this Would have Happened.

By Now the Few scattered People living out that way had made Their way from Their Houses near by to the Accident Site, and We the Coolest Bunch of People they were the kind of People that restore Ones Lost Faith in Humanity that’s for sure. Everyone of Them asked if We were Ok, if We needed Anything, and Brought Not Just Us but Our Dogs Cold Bottles of Water. No joking here but These Good Samaritans were as concerned for Our Dog’s Welfare as much as Ours which I found to be utterly fucking Awesome.

       

My Wife at this Point was on the Phone reporting the Accident to Our insurance Company as I tended to the Dogs making sure They had Water and didn’t try and Jump out of the Car during all the commotion. I called My Mother who is My only relative around these parts and asked Her to come over and Pick Up the Poor Dogs since it was Hot and Humid as Hell. The Last fucking thing We needed was for a Dog to suffer a fucking Heat Stroke from baking in the Car now turned Oven. Thankfully She was at Home and ready to lend a Helping Hand however it was needed. She arrived about 23 minutes later and My Wife and I loaded Up the Four Dogs into Her Air Conditioned Car.

It was also at this point the Sheriffs made sure Everyone Stood Roadside as the Woods were Now Off Limits to Anyone Who wasn’t Law Enforcement. The Highway Patrol was called in to Deal with the Actual Accident and would be arriving shortly. Also I nice Older Man who Lived about 150 feet from the Accident Site told My Mother She could park in His Drive Way which was Shady and would keep Her out of The Polices Way. I walked down to His Driveway and He came out of His Workshop (Turns Out He’s a Welder among other things) with a Big Bowl of Fresh Cold Water for Our Dogs.

       

Time Passed as the Three Ring Circus of an Accident was in full Swing, and I couldn’t take the Dogs Home because the Highway Patrol would want My Account of the Accident. So I stood in this Nice Old Guy’s Front Year watching the Fiasco for a While. Eventually the Fire Rescue Fellow walked over to Me and Informed Me that The Deputy’s (Yet more Law Enforcement) had arrived and were currently in the Process of Arresting the Meth Head Girlfriend Passenger in the Jeep We hit because She had NOT One, BUT SEVERAL ACTIVE WARRANTS OUT FOR HER ARREST. So She was Off to Jail. I again won’t lie this Delighted Me because it was Her Scummy Junkie Boyfriend they were Picking Up.

Apparently I was told that Each Law Enforcement Agency had its Own Particular Role in this Situation. As I said earlier The Sheriff was there for the Initial Assessment and to Keep the Peace. The Highway Patrol was there sole for the Accident, and the Deputies were there to Arrest The Junkie’s Meth Mouthed Girlfriend so there were a lot of motherfuckers with Badges.

       

Another Development had occurred while My Wife was still Maning the Phones like a fucking Champ, and I was keeping My Mother and Dogs company while chatting with the Nice Older Man and His Adult Daughter. It just so happened there was a Petty Thief that had been operating in their Area Breaking into Vacation Houses, Boat Houses, Garages, Tool Sheds, Workshops, and Vehicles to Steal whatever They could. THIS was the reason for the Fire Rescue Fellows Diligence, and the subsequent interest of the Various Police Departments in the Bald Junkie fuck I had seen walking Out of the Woods before the Accident.

The Police had been actively searching the Woods and had located several Stashes of Peoples Personal Property that the Bald Son of a Bitch had STOLEN and then since obviously He didn’t have a Car Hid in the Woods to swing back and pick up at a Later Date. Of course the Entire Time the Two Druggie Scumbags are Lying every which way to avoid the Increasingly good Possibility They BOTH would End up in Jail by the End of it all. With His Meth Loving Girlfriend was taken into Custody and He was put in Handcuffs He shut right the fuck up. And Yes in the End the Bald Bastard turned out in a Scooby Doo Twist to be the Piece of Shit Revolting Robber so He went to Jail just like His Meth Hooker Looking Girlfriend. As it turned out The Last Person this Scumfucks Junkie Robbed was as it turned out the Nice Older Man’s Place as His Daughter had conferred with the Cops, and Identified several items that belonged to Her Father.

       

The Highway Patrol finished up all the bullshit Paper work and Sited the Driver of the Jeep with a Ticket and Court Summons for making an “Illegal Stop”, returned My Wife and My Drivers Licenses, and told Us That We were in No Way required to show up on the Jeep Drivers Court Date, BUT if We did it would Help Them Nail Her to the fucking Wall. So Yes We are going I think it will be nice to be in Court and NOT being the Defendant and of Course FUCK HER THE BATSHIT BITCH. Fuck Up My Plans and I’ll Fuck Up Your LIFE.

Then My Wife got a Ride Home with the Tow Truck Driver who had showed up while We were with the Highway Patrol. I rejoined My Mother in Her car and Took the Dogs on Home at Last. The SOLE thing that gave this Shit Cloud a Silver Lining was when the Deputy Officer made a point of telling Us that Not to take it the Wrong Way, But as Unfortunate as Our Accident Was and Giving that No One was Seriously Hurt Had in Fact “Solved a lot of Problems for Us.”

 (1)    (2)

SO there You have it My Wife and I are in fact Superhero’s. Superhero’s without ANY Super Powers or Crime Fighting Weapons (like Batman). No We just Drive Around and Stop Crime by  Crashing into Criminals. Then We simply  Wait for the Cops to Come and Arrest Them.  That would effectively make Us the WORST SUPERHEROES OF ALL TIME.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober (3)

The Theater of the Absurd: The 4 Cornered Circle

Ladies and Gentalmen for ONE NIGHT ONLY Little People Enterprises presents:

The Federation 3 Way Dance!!!

XDW (Xtreme Dwarf Wrestling)

vs.

HMW (Hardcore Midgit Wrestling)

vs.

PWA (Pygmy Wrestling Alliance)

Come and Join us IF YOU DARE for a Night that will live in INFAMY as

Ying&Yang The Sumo Wrestling Brothers from Asian eXtreme Wrestling

take on NO OTHER THAN America’s LPW Tag Team Champs,

The Munchkins of Madness (Killer Klebba and Coleman Cox)

for the FIRST TIME EVER in LPW a C4 EXPLODING RING OF DEATH!!!

When The Bell Rings BLOOD, GUTS, AND BUTTS WILL BE EVERYWHERE!!!

You’ll Also Will See

The Henchmen Nick & Knack vs. Rappaport’s Revenge

in a FLAMING FUCKING TABLES CAGE OF DEATH MATCH!

COMPLETE WITH TUBS OF ALIVE AND LIVID ELECTRIC EELS!!

The Tag Teams Crotch Shot vs. The Disciples of Dinklage in a

KING OF KINK BARBWIRE DILDO LOSER LEAVES TOWN PRO WRESTLING PORN MATCH!!!

4 FOOT LONG SOLID LATEX DILDOS  WEIGHING IN AT 5.5 POUNDS WRAPPED IN GRADE A TEXAS BARBWIRE!!

Half Pint vs. Knee High

in an EXTREME STEP LADDER MATCH for the fucking XDW Micro Weight Championship Belt!

Tom “Fucking” Thumb vs. The Tiny Terror Known only as WARWICK

in a 20,000 THUMBTACK – 1,000 LIGHT TUBE

DOUBLE HEADER OF DEATH AND DESTRUCTION for the

HMW Hardcore Tag Team Titles!! THERE WILL BE BLOOD! EMTs ONSITE!

THEN THE MANIACAL MAIN EVENT: THE OOMPA LOOMPA APOCALYPSE!

7 Way match for the PWA Intercontinental Belt featuring:

Will “Badass” Barty, Bollocks O’Hare, Lil Omen, Rumpelstiltskin,

Mini Man, Sean Shorty, and D-Veto compete in a

FANS BRING THE WEAPONS MATCH “I QUIT” MATCH!!

Fans Bring an ARSENAL OF IMAGINATIONS Brought to Life to inflict PAIN!

THERE IS NO PIN, NO COUNT OUT, NO TAP OUT!

The Only Way To End The Agony is to SURRENDER and say “I QUIT!”

This Night of Inter-promotional Independent is NOT for the FAINT OF HEART OR WEAK OF STOMACH!!

Come SEE THE SHOW BANNED IN 49 STATES for Excessive Violence and Bloodshed!!!

There will be BLOOD, BROKEN BONES, BRAIN DAMAGE, BEER, and BRUTALITY in ABUNDANCE!

THIS ISN’T WRESTLING, IT’S A FUCKING WAR!!!!

BYOB/BYOD

MUST BE 21 WITH VALID ID TO ENTER.

 By Les Then Sober Productions..

 

Malice The Band That Almost Killed Us All Part 6

April 15th: Malice arrived at their suite at the Hard Rock Casino in Mackinaw Michigan (which back in the infamous 80’s was considered on the same creative social scale as NYC or LA.), and waited for their newly assigned opening act by their record label Razorback Records.

While they waited Malice free based a Kilo of 91% pure uncut Columbian Fish Scale while simultaneously  consuming 15 cases of beer, 19 bottles of Whisky, and an ounce and a half of PCP Laced Mushrooms, and ate 7 sheets of Acid (because waiting is boring so why not party your fucking face off they figured.) Plus the bands Lawyer TR McCoy and their Manager Harold Slickmann  had instructed the Band to DO NOTHING while they worked out the issues with the Band’s current Record Label Razorback Records.

As for Razorback they needed to put a tour deal together fast as fuck. Razorback Due to the  current disputes with Malice over creative control had lead abrupt cancellation of the remaining  Tour leaving them in the lurch like a motherfucker. They had to finish out as many of the original Tour dates as humanly possible to avoid backlash from pissed off Malice Fans.

Now due to all the drama Razorback was unhappy with Malice and that  played a part in their decision to hire The Assholes.The Assholes were at the opposite side of the spectrum from Malice.

Malice was a Glam Metal Band used to the luxurious life in LA being fawned over by press and fans alike for several months and had forgotten their entire lives previous to being famous. This I think most people can agree the massively exprbinte and copious amounts of Narcotics combined with Severe Alcoholism was/is to blame for the Band’s Unique Amnesia.

The Assholes on the other hand were a Trio from the Shitty Streets of the Shittiest Slums in Swansea Wales’s poverty stricken Industrial District. They grew up broke as fuck with Father’s that slaved away in the Various Factories or Sold Drugs. They had Mother’s that Worked 3 jobs cooking and cleaning (for the elite assholes living a life of splendor in the Huge Mansion’s in the Country) or Turning to Prostitution, Drink, and Drugs.

The only issue was The Assholes were currently on a Tour of their own with their fellow band The Squatters who hailed from Leeds and had similar backgrounds as the members of The Assholes. Not to mention the group’s singers met in the drunk tank one St. Paddy’s day after grossly over indulging in an obscene display of Alcohol throughout the day.

For this particular Tour The Assholes and The Squatters had combined both bands into one collective group they were calling The Asshole Squatters.

This lead Razorback to bend over backwards and take it in the preverbal metaphorical ass to put together. First Razorback had to hire The Asshole Squatters (not just the Assholes by themselves) because their management claimed it would be easier to promote the new 2 week Tour since two thirds of the audience already recognized the name.

Second Razorback would have to Pay the Appearance fee for The Assholes, The Squatters, and The Asshole Squatters as each group would be billing them separately. Razorback would also be financially responsible for their other expenses such as Travel, Room and Board. The Assholes also demanded that Razorback reimburse everyone involved in/with the last two weeks of the Asshole Squatters Tour that would be left ass out in lieu of The Assholes embarking on the new Malice Tour.

Razorback not having a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of had to agree to any and all conditions set forth by The Assholes or The Squatters. In the end the tiny new 2 week tour cost Razorback $12.3 Million in extra expenses.

April 16th: Malice had a pre tour meeting where they met The Asshole Squatters for the 1st time over Cocktails at the exclusive Club Pretentious. The meeting was a short one. The Members of The Asshole Squatters  spent most of their time chugging pints of Guinness, doing Irish Car Bombs, Rough Housing, Head Butting one another in some Bizarrely Violent Drinking Game (which they themselves had created just a couple of weeks ago while on a brilliant bender.)

Malice sat back drinking Bottomless Hurricanes (with Mescal on the side) watching their new opening act getting Raging Alcoholic Type Drunk, and snorting massive rails of Cocaine off a gaggle of clamoring wannabe Groupie’s Tits.

The 2 Bands barely spoke to each other and as for The Asshole Squatters they seemed to be mocking Malice throughout the entire ordeal. It was hard for Malice to determine if the Asshole Squatters were indeed mocking the shit out of them or was this the classic absurd comedic Wit the British were known for.

Troubled by the shitty meeting Malice’s manager Harold Slickmann sat down to discuss the matter with The Asshole Squatters Manager Sly Slapper over diner (at The Lux Barroom and Fine Eatery mind you). Slapper’s take on the situation was it was just a case of “Clashing Ego’s”and it would be no problem at all. He assured Slickmann that the Tour would be nothing less than copacetic once the Band’s Ego Issues calmed down.

This was a boldfaced lie and Slapper the slippery shit was well aware.

April 17th: To insure there wouldn’t be any further issues before the start of the tour the following day each Band’s Manager spiked ALL the Band Members mandatory morning Bloody Mary’s (which were made with 191 proof Grain Alcohol or as its more commonly known Moonshine) with a heavy dose of Horse Tranquilizers .The intensity of the Moonshine did a wonderfully brilliant job at disguising the foul taste of the ground up Horse Tranquilizers.

This effectively rendered both groups unconscious for 18 hours straight.

When the time came the Band’s Personal Medical Team would hit them with a Epinephrine  Shot via an Epi Pen, and BAM everyones awake, on their feet, and energetic like a Rocket Shot up their Ass.

April 18th: It was around 11 am when the Bands began to board their respective Tour Buses each suffering from a serious Horse Tranquilizer Hangover. It wasn’t until well past Noon that the Tour was finally on the road. The first show was in Saugatuck Michigan at the Tubular Theater.

Before the show even started the problems began. When Malice arrived at the Tubular Theater they were met the first problem head on. The members of The Squatters being arrested by Immigration Officers. Malice’s managed Harold Slickmann quickly jumped of the tour bus and made a mad scramble words The Squatters manager Sly Slapper.

According to Slapper the band was being detained and deported back to England to stand trial. The Squatters were charged with 117 counts of Vandalism, 91 counts of Destruction of Private Property,  88 counts of Destruction of Public Property, 351 counts of Public Drunkenness, 57 counts of Urinating in Public, 22 counts of Defecating  in Public, 117 counts of Breaking and Entering (The band had a issue with breaking into Liquor Stores after closing time in search of yet more Booze), 144 counts of Public Nudity, and 121 counts of Indecent Exposure (The band also had an issue with having sex with Fans/Groupies in Public).

To make a shitty situation even shittier the Fans(who had been waiting for 16 hours straight) out front for the doors to open were well aware of what was going on, and they were getting more riled by the minute as they watched one of the bands they came to see being arrested at the concert venue.

Malice who had extensive experience dealing with amped up and angry Fans from some disastrous concerts of their own. They immediately put a plan into action as the inevitable Riot was building rapidly. Malice gathered up their instruments and amps aboard their tour bus, called in a massive Beer Order with a local Beer Warehouse a few blocks from the show, and lastly they grabbed a duffle bag containing 5 kilos (11 pounds) of Pure uncut Bolivian Blow.

The scene outside had gotten savage as the Show Promoter had already called in the Cops. Malice Fans were pissed off at the Asshole Squatter Fans for fucking up the show, The Squatters Fans were enraged that the Band was being Arrested, The Assholes were angry about everything in general, and all the Fans were mad the Police had been called.

The high level of surging emotions had given way to pushing, shoving, insults, violent threats, minor vandalism, and the start of empty Beer bottles being thrown around in random response to the current state of affairs. The Police had called in back up and as Malice got ready to put their plan into action the SWAT Team rolled in.

Malice slowly opened the Emergency Hatch located on the roof of the Bus and crawled out onto the Bus’s Roof. They then had their Roadies hand up their instruments followed by their Amps. Malice also had their Roadies hand up several Confetti Cannons they had brought on tour. Once on top of the bus with their gear and supplies Malice started to assemble their standard stage set up transforming the Bus’s Roof into an impromptu stage.

As soon as the set up was complete Malice started playing Misfit Covers as loud as their equipment would allow. This sudden musical onslaught brought the chaos and conflict to a stand still as the stunned Fans and Police Officers alike looked on.

Malice capitalized on this by announcing that this was now a FREE Parking Lot Show and then fired off their Confetti Cannons that they had loaded up with the Cocaine. A giant white wave exploded over the Audience with a lingering cloud behind it as everyone there went fucking insane.

The Police were just happy to have the Riot haunted so they let Malice slide on the whole Huge Cocaine Cloud (and assorted shit like that) just as long as they got the fuck out of town immediately following the Parking Lot Show.

And thats exactly what they did.

April 19th: Malice was contacted first thing in the morning by their current Record Label Razorback Records. Razorback was absolutely irate about the previous night’s show which was also the first show of a ad-libbed Tour.

Malice had their Lawyer TR McCoy step in as mediator on their behalf. McCoy stated it was fucking insane that Razorback was even angry to begin with. McCoy went on to say that Malice had nothing to due with the Show going to shit. Malice wasn’t the ones being arrested, their Fans weren’t the ones pissed off by the arrest, and if it wasn’t for Malice’s quick thinking under extreme pressure in an emergency situation had in fact ENDED the Riot.

Razorback being complete and total  bitches switched the topic of the conversation to what they were going to do moving forward post riot. The tour they said would continue but because of last night fiasco being blasted across national television had been forced “due to circumstances beyond their control” cancel that nights show.

Razorback sited that the change was do due to “Unforeseen Expenses” complied with the exorbitant expenses used for putting the current Tour together in the first place was putting Razorback on the verge of filing Chapter 11 Bankruptcy. And because of the severity of the situation would require Razorback’s full and undecided attention putting the Tour on the back burner for a while.

You see the unforeseen expenses Razorback incurred were from a legal dispute between Razorback and The Squatters.

The Squatters claimed that since their arrest, and subsequent deportation was due to charges that were racked up from their previous Tour. And since the charges were not related to this Tour they deserved to be paid every single cent agreed upon by Razorback and The Squatters per their contract.

Razorback had to hire a full on legal defense team of Lawyers to handle the impending Lawsuit and their Counter Suite. According to their Lawyers Razorback considered their contract null and void as soon as The Squatters violated the terms, and thus were owed jack shit as far as they were concerned.

Malice’s Lawyer TR McCoy sighted a “Conflict of Interest” on Razorback’s part as far as Malice was concerned, and was planning to take them to court over it as soon as he got back to his office. Unbeknownst to Razorback at the time was that McCoy was already well at work putting a lawsuit against Razorback on Malice’s behalf. Malice was ultimately looking to terminate their contract with Razorback Records by any means needed.

April 20th: Malice curent Unnamed Tour with the Assholes was scheduled to play The Wicked Room in Grand Marais Minnesota. Once they Bands showed up there was an empty parking lot and a massive pile of what appeared to be charred bricks mixed with assorted rubble. There was a note from the Wicked Room’s Staff addressing the issue taped to a bottle of Croatian Rum that was standing atop the pile of aforementioned bricks and rubble.

The Note Read: To Whomever it may concern,

We the loyal staff of the Wicked Room have the misfortune to inform you that the Owner of the Club (Dolt Devonshire) ruptured a gas line in the basement, and blew the Club sky high while attempting to commit Insurance Fraud.  So Sorry We know this Sucks.

With the nights Fans only moments away from the defunct venue the Bands had to figure out what the fuck to do. Neither Band wanted to relive the previous nights shit show nor could they afford any more shitty press.

Then The Assholes Singer “Bloody” Sod Bollocks announced that since Malice had saved their asses last night that tonight they would be repaying the favor. In all actuality The Asshole could have give 2 shits about Malice they just thought it was a proper venue to showcase their Hardcore Thrash Punk music. That combined with the fact The Assholes were chomping at the bit to play to help vent some of their built up frustrations.

Malice decided to take their Fans in attendance that were pissed off by the fact Malice wasn’t playing to an all night drinking binge at a local Dive Bar and Shitty Strip Club Called  Beef Curtains.

Even though The Assholes acted like they didn’t give a flying fuck what Malice did they took Malice’s Stripper Boozelooza as slap in the face. They thought if Malice and their sniveling Fans didn’t care about the show well fuck them and fuck that.

April 21st: Malice spent the day at the Hotel Spa recuperating from their legendary hangovers, and The Assholes spent the day Drinking and Drugging like no tomorrow.

The 2 bands met up at that nights Venue The Radical in Bayfield Wisconsin. The tension was tenable as the Bands circled one another lingering like fucking Vultures waiting for their meal to finally die.

The Assholes went on first and played their first two albums (“Fuck You and The Finger” and “The Toss Pot Teachers”)  in their interiority.  The Band then went on to play 3 separate encores each consisting of 3-5 songs each. The Asshole’s finally played their closing song their current hit “Fuck Me Dead”. By then they had cut into Malice’s set by a good 45 minutes or so.

Malice was furious as they took the stage 45 minutes late. Malice used the show to mainly test out the audience’s reacting to some new songs they were coming up with for the New Album they planned to record as soon as they possibly could. Malice was sure to pepper the New Shit with some of their Big Hits to keep the Fans excited.

All in all the audience response was overwhelmingly positive as far as the new material was concerned. In fact Malice’s new Power Ballad “I’d Never Call You A Bitch Baby” garnered such a response from the Fan’s that they decided later that night that it would be the first single released.

Malice celebrated all night and into the following day until that nights show.

April 22nd: When Malice’s Tour bus rolled into The Spectrum in Elkader Iowa to find that The Assholes had already arrived and were in the middle of their soundcheck.

Malice walked into their dressing room to find it Trashed, Thrashed and Totally fucked. It smelled like a Truck Stop Bathroom mixed with a well used Locker Room. Every single piece of furniture (including the trash can) was busted and broken to pieces. The Catering table was upside down which was ok because it looked as if someone shit on the food platters anyway. Not to mention their toilet bowl was on fire reminiscent of a childhood campfire.

Malice’s blood boiled as they had fucking had it with The Assholes and their shittier than shitty bullshit. Luckily before all hell broke loose Malice’s manager Harold Slickmann arrived in the nick of time to prevent a brewing Shit Storm from becoming a Category 5 Shitnado. Slickmann swore up and down that if Malice played the show he would put and end to The Assholes dilemma.

Malice begrudgingly took the stage and the crowd went buck-fucking-wild sending Malice’s spirits soaring. The show was going exceptionally well until “Bloody” Sod Bollocks came staggering drunk as 10 Sailors (on well deserved Shore Leave) combined. Bollocks slowly made his way to the side of the stage just as Malice launched into (what they believed on audience response) was their new upcoming single “I’d Never Call You A Bitch Baby”

Once Malice got to the chorus of “…I’d never call you a bitch Baby” Bollocks armed with a Military Grade Bullhorn would yell at the top of his intoxicated lungs “Because I call you a cunt!”

Malice’s more than temperamental frontman Izzy Sane let Bollocks get away with his rude interjection twice but not a third time. Sane dropped his microphone, picked up the stand, swung it up over his head with both hands, and bolted to wards Bollocks like a Meth addicted Rodeo Bull. Once Sane reached Bollocks Sane brought the Heavy Metal Base of the microphone stand down on Bollock’s head like a Sledge Hammer.

The base of the Microphone stand came crashing down and slammed into Bollock’s head right above his left eye shattering his orbital socket, severely fracturing his cheek bone, and sending his eye shooting out into the audience. Blood started to pour out of Bollock’s freshly busted open head like a deep red river. Bollocks swayed for a minute before crumpling like a piece of paper to the ground.

Bollocks was unconscious, unresponsive, and there was blood now spurting out of the large gash in his head like a mini 18 inch fountain. One of the Stage crew sprinted to the phone and called 911. By the time the EMTs had arrived Bollocks was in the throws of full blown shock. The EMTs opted due to the severity of the injury and the patient’s quickly declining condition to to fly Bollocks to the nearest head trauma unit a Trama Hawk.

On the up side Malice’s Fans were so supportive they cheered Sane as they Fans were aware of the tenuous rivalry between the two touring Bands. Unfortunately for Sane the police were not so easy going and arrested Sane for Assault, Assault with a Deadly Weapon, and Attempted Murder.

The night ended with Malice on their way back to their hotel, and their manager on his way back to the Band’s Lawyer’s Office double time.

April 23rd: Finally the Tour to end all Tours had ended as doomed from the start. The Assholes had flown back home to England as soon as Bollocks was stable enough to travel.

Malice wanted to circle the wagons so they bought a 56 room Mansion located on 66 acres (for an estimated $151 Million) in the Hollywood Hills the day they got back in town. The Band figured it actually made the most sense since until then non of the Band members past or presently..

Malice members lived in hotels or on the Tour bus while on Tour or Traveling. In their down time Davie Scum was on the worlds longest Couch Surfing Run in known History, and Izzy Sane lived with his Girlfriend (and Malice Bassist) Maxi Padd in her tiny one room Studio Apartment. Rock Harder lived in a Shitty Hellhole of a Motel down by the by the Airport called The Wayfarers located between The Drunkard Tavern and Sparkles Strip Club.

It didn’t take long for Malice to move in as the members owned next to nothing outside of their cars. Meanwhile Harold Slickmann had sold his house prior to the last Tour and went and bought a $4.5 Million Luxury Executive RV. Slickmann parked his newly acquired RV in Malice’s extensive Drive Way where he planned to live indefinitely.

The Band’s Lawyer TR McCoy opted to sell his Penthouse so he could move into Malice’s new 10,000 square foot Guest House. McCoy felt with the forth coming barrage of legal issues that were about to defend upon the Band like The Anti-Christ surfing on an Avalanche.

The Band settled on the name “The House of Malice” as the official name of their Mansion Estate and set to work coming up with customized additions to the Mansion (example: Replacing the Water in the 100s of Fountains with Armand de Brigand Brut Gold (Ace of Spades) which cost $6,500 per 6 Liter Bottle.)

April 24th: Malice received an intensely aggressive call from their Record Label Razorback Records demanding a meeting immediately in their head office in the Van Nuys neighborhood. Malice piled into the Band’s 67 foot long custom Limo along with Slickmann and McCoy in tow.

When they arrived Malice was marched directly into Brock Rock’s office. Brock Rock who was the Owner and CEO of Razorback at the time. No sooner had Malice sat down Rock came charging in infuriated beyond belief with Razorbacks Legal Team right behind him.

Razorback started the meeting guns blazing. They were basically trying to blame all their costly fuck ups on Malice so they could sue them for reimbursement.

McCoy wasn’t having any of Razorback’s spastic bullshit fireworks. McCoy told Razorback that by neglecting their client Malice’s best interests by effectively booking substandard Opening Act(s) violated the terms and conditions of Malice’s Contract.

That combined with they fact that the failed second leg of the Mini Tour had totally tapped Razorback’s Bank Accounts so they wouldn’t be able to financially survive a long ass court battle before going completely bankrupt.

Razorback ended up releasing Malice from their contract as long as all disputes between both parties were henceforth Null and Void.

Malice was now a free Agent as it were.

McCoy had a glass of 70 year old Scotch.

Slickmann immediately started fielding offers from Competing Record Labels starting a furious Bidding War.

As for Razorback they did in fact end up going bankrupt, and Brock Rock was arrested for Embezzlement, Fraud, Insider Trading, Tax Evasion, and Aggravated Acts of Beastiality.

April 25th: Malice spent the day whole up in their Mansion reviewing various and plentiful possible future contracts from damn near every record label executive there was.

McCoy and Slickmann riddled down the Contracts to a Fianl Top 3 before involving the Band.

The 3 Top Contenders were Guillotine Records a relatively new up and coming Record Label that was racking up Big Name and Unknown Acts left and right.

Another was from Spittle Sound Studios owned by D-Rockafeller Recordings Inc. who was looking to expand their catalog and appeal by breaking into new musical markets. They were basically a Major Brand Record Label in Indi Clothing so to speak.

The Final Contract was from an International Record Label called The Nation of Noise Records (who’s HQ was located in International Waters on a retired Cruise Ship). They had been around for years, but never signed any act anyone would give two shits about like the Country Disco Jug Band Legend Howie “Pork Knuckle ” Pounder.

After serious deliberation along with a crate of Whisky, 26 Cartons of Cigarettes, a Pound of High Grad Marijuana, and 8 sheets of High Test Acid on  Guillotine Records signing a 5 Album Exclusive Deal.

Malice celebrated the Deal by Buying Ferraris and the hosting a Demolition Derby Party that went late into the night, and the Police only showed up 41 times for Noise Complaints and all that horseshit.

A good night was had by all.

April 26th: With a slew of new songs and material Malice and in great spirits ,and (after finally ending their troubled relationship with Razorback Records) having just signed a sweet ass deal with Guillotine Records headed into the Studio to get working on their new album.

Tragedy struck the Band once again while wailing on a wild Guitar Solo for the song “Sweet Heart, Wicked Soul” Davie Scum played so fast that his guitar caught on fire quickly consuming Scum in the blaze. Considering how flammable the cheap Spandex adorned with Chinese Dragons, and the entire bottle of Aqua Net Scum used to style his hair it was no real wonder why he combusted so quickly.

Luckily for Malice they were finished recording their new new album titled “Finding Heaven In Hell” so all that was left to be done was Editing the Recorded songs.

Malice had to pay the $17,890 cleaning bill for the Studio to clean off all the smoke stains and little BBQed pieces of flesh from the walls, floors and ceiling (Not to mention they had to Neutralize the Oder of a still smoldering  Human Body)

When Slickmann heard the news he grabbed the extremely large 3 ring binder filled with Musicians Resumes he had created due to the fact Malice Members had a bad habit of dying, and granted a couple left to purse other pursuits.

By the end of the day Malice had completed their new 19 song album, edited it, lost their Guitarist to a freak guitar playing accident, and interview the top replacement Guitarists.

That night around 4 in the morning suffering from a drug fueled insomnia Malice selected their new Guitarist Stevie “The Shill” Stevenson who had played with such acts as Murder in Minutes, Killing Trolls, The Lot Lizards, and the Legendary Black Metal Band Nordic Slaughter.

April 27th: While waiting for their new guitarist Stevie “The Shill” Stevenson’s to arrive at the studio (he was flying in from his Private Island Shill Key in the Florida Keys that afternoon) Malice realized that they in fact not only recorded their new album in one day, BUT they had 87 other songs on tap.

With this revelation Malice felt they had only one choice, and that was to release a DOUBLE ALBUM. Malice then spent the morning listening to all 87 songs before selecting 22 songs that would make up the second Album titled “The Hardships of Hell”.

By the time Stevenson made his appearance at the studio Malice realized while now that the Double Album they had recorded 41 brand new tracks they still had 46 additional songs.

So Malice thought about it awhile before coming up with the idea of releasing a rare TRIPLE ALBUM, and set out selecting which of the leftover 46 songs they would use. They came together and agreed on this Albums title would be “From Heaven To Hell and Back Again” consisting of 17 songs and 4 singles. The singles the Band decided upon were “Into The Night We Go”, “After Party Freak Show”, “Dive Bar Babes”, and “Lets Get Laid”

When Stevenson arrived he pointed out that Malice still had 29 songs left at their disposal, and suggested Malice release the World’s 1st QUADRUPLE ALBUM. And of course Malice lost their fucking minds over the idea. In return for such an awesome idea Malice rerecorded the last set of 29 songs with Stevenson so he’d be credited for playing on the Album.

Malice even let Stevenson pick the name of the 4th Album and he dubbed it “Entering Heaven/Exiting Hell” sticking with the ongoing theme of Paradise and the Pit.

Malice partied into the early hours of the morning doing Actual Tequila Shots (that is they drew up Tequila in 6cc syringes and injected it directly into their veins.)

April 28th: Malice’s Quadruple Album was an instant success as rabid Fans bought out Record Store after Record Store across the country. The Media Buzz was deafening as Malice’s Phones where rigging off the hook like a real motherfucker. Reporters of kinds camped out in front of Malice’s Mansion Estate gates leading Hardcore Fans to follow suit creating a sizable tent city situation.

Malice spent the entire day lounging around Mtv hanging out, day drinking and acting as impromptu Guest VJs (not to mention banging groupies during commercial breaks or when a video was airing)

By the end of the Business Day Malice’s World Wide Album Sales totaled an estimated $976 Million. The one day success gave way to the rumor that The Chairman of Forbes reportedly shit his pants when he saw the numbers the following morning.

April 29th: Tickets for Malice’s upcoming Tour to promote their Quadruple Album went on Sale at Noon Sharp and 6 seconds later every single American Date of the Malice was completely Sold Out. Which totally blew the tits off of Guinness Book of World Records.

Now Malice was at task scheduling Shows for the subsequent following World Wide Tour. For inspiration the Band went to their Restaurant Take Out Menu drawer. After a few minutes skimming over the large collection of Take Out Menus Malice had set up dates in Thailand, China, India, Mexico,Italy, and Japan.

Malice used the rest of their spare time to practice relentlessly with their new guitarist Stevie “The Shill” Stevenson, and over indulging in Hedonistic pursuits.

April 30th: Malice went to down customizing their recently acquired Mansion and Estate. First they had a 4 operate Helicopter Landing Pads one for each of them. Next they turned 2 of their 66 archers into a Mobile Home park loaded with Triple Wides for their Friends, Roadies, Mansion Staff, or as a crash pad for party guests who were to shitfaced to drive.

Izzy was a devoted movie fan so he used 12 archers to build his own Independent Movie Studio he called Ponder This Pictures and Perverse Productions. The Studio was intended to be a stage for struggling independent film makers to help them achieve their dreams. In the end though it sat virtually unused accept for the filming of some extremely high end Homemade Sex Tapes/Full Blown Porno Flix.

Stevie took 5 archers and build a pond so that he could stock it with some of his favorite fish like Alligator Gar, Giant Snakeheads, Electric Eels, Wells Catfish, and Giant Carp just for starters.

Rock used 7 archers to build his own Amusement and Water Park complete with the motto which was  “Neverland is for PopStars”.

Maxi used 1 achar to build a massive Temperature Controlled Greenhouse with a high tech Sprinkler System. She billed as an attempt at Sod Farming. She also took another 4 to built a Small Farm where she had several Cows. At night Maxi would let the Cows graze in the Greenhouse where inevitable Cows being Cow’s would crap all over the fucking place. She claimed it was a trade off of Free Cow Feed and Free Fresh Organic Manure. In reality the set up was designed to be the perfect growing grounds for Magic Mushrooms (or Shrooms for shirt).

  

Other custom additions included seeing up a professional fire work rig on the roof, indoor and out door shooting ranges, ATV Trails, Skate Park, Pirate Ham Radio Station, NASA Flight Simulator, Hi Li Court, installing water fountains rigged with Goldschlager (with its original Alcohol Content of 53.5% or 107 Proof), A Reptile House, 30 Run Dog Kennel, Racing Track, Driving Range (because hitting the shit out of the ball is the only fucking fun part of Golf so fuck the bullshit), Wave Pool, Bocce Ball Court, and 24k Toilets/Urinals encrusted in Gem Stones (“Crapping like a King” as their manager Harold Slickmann would say.

  

April 31st: Malice dedicated the day to preparing for the “Salvation and Damnation Tour” by rehydrating with IV Fluids, Laid off the Narcotics in favor of just Smoking Weed, Only Drank Light Beer, Getting 8 hour massages with 45 minute “Happy Endings”, Meditating, forgoing Sex for Blow Jobs, and Blood Doping.

MALICE: THE BAND THAT ALMOST KILLED US ALL PART 7 COMING SOON

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober 

Heavy Metal March Madness: Malice The Band That Almost Killed Us All Part 3

March 1st, 1988 Malice entered Rancor Studio psyched to record their first record. Unfortunately March 1st, 1988 became known as “Sue Us Sunday” in the Malice camp. The reason was Malice was served papers several times through out the day precluding them from recording a single note. There were being sued by the Promoter from their show at Peoria Illinois Mental Metal Festival for Failure to Complete their contractual agreement by ending their set early. They were also being sued by Rock Out – Cock Out concert Promoters for missing their show scheduled at the Salt Lake City’s “SLC Metal Mayhem” for being a no show again violating their contract.

Alas that wasn’t all as Malice was simultaneously being sued by Lost Soul Productions who sponsored the Alaskan “Madmen of Metal” Festival. Lost Soul had a slew of charges Animal Abuse (for the Von Dire’s accidentally kicking a stray Penguin), Destruction of Personal Property, Desecration of Sacred Soil (The show was on Tribal Lands), Hate Crimes Against the Indigenous Inuits, Failure to complete contractual obligations, Inappropriate and unauthorized use of a Dog Sled, Grand Theft of 2 Dog Sled packs, Trespassing, impeding Tribal Practices, Drunk and Disorderly, Driving under the influence, possession of dangerous controlled substances, possession of Dangerous and Controlled Substance with intent to distribute, Contraband items (ex. Hardcore Porn), Child Endangerment (majority of fans in attendance were under the age of 18), Public Obscenity (for the bands prolific use of foul language on stage, Vandalism, Unpaid bar tab, Possession of unlicensed firearms, and Violation of the Indigenous Tribes Act of 1888, 1889,1909,1911, and 1938.

Yet Malice wasn’t out of the Legal forrest just yet. Malice’s troubles from the Master’s of Metal Festival in Oregon who were suing Malice for Public Intoxication, Drunk and Disorderly, 17 Counts of Assault (resulting from Sleaze and Ulrich impromptu fist fight, and the Security Guards who were also involved in breaking up the fight.), and for violation of contractual obligations. Oregon’s Wall was suing Malice for violation of contract when they showed up and instantly cancelled that nights show due to inflated egos (Malice at that time was heavily in the Media which garnered more and more attention from the music industry. Last but not least Malice was being sued by WhoreMonger Records for breaking their contract when the band opted to sign with Razorback Records.

The Sum Total of All the Law Suits combined came to a Heart Stopping $376,978,763,329.18:

March 2, 1988: Malice started interviewing for a new Manager, and ended up going with Harold Slickmann who had been in the industry for 47 years. Slickmann had managed such Legendary Bands like DTF, The Screaming Cocks, Diver Down, Suicidal Species, and The Drug War Rejects to name a few. Slickmann’s first order of business was to hire All Star Hollywood Lawyer TR McCoy who had made a career, and an art of getting his clients off  on obscure technicalities. Malice spent the rest of the day in the studio binge drinking and smoking Crystal Meth, and recorded only the intro to one song.

March 3, 1988  Rage returned from a visit to the Emergency Room, and called a band meeting. Rage announced he was leaving the band, and took a moment to explain. Rage had gotten a rather toothy blow job from a heavily intoxicated Groupie resulting in Rage receiving several cuts on his cock. Rage had thought nothing of it until some of the cuts became infected, but was so freaked out that he was too scared to go to the doctor.

When Rage did finally panic enough to finally seek medical attention he was informed the infected cuts had succumbed to gangrene. In fact the gangrene was so sever at that point there was nothing the doctor could do but amputate the gangrenous penis. Rage’s medical issue didn’t end there as the gangrene had spread to include Rage’s balls which too would need to be amputated, and then he would need several skin grafts to rehabilitate his gangrene affected taint. Faced with the dire situation Rage had decided to decline further treatment, and was going to Iceland where he’d wait to die. Malice entered the Rancor Studio and finished recording their album which wasn’t hard since Malice had been playing their own songs for ages.

March 4, 1988 Malice placed an add for a new Drummer because they wanted Rage to pick his successor before he departed to Iceland and into the Grave. Rage after endless interviews and several hours of deliberation in isolation told the band he was going to hire Mitch Furry. Mitch Fury was the ex-Drummer for The Dolts, The Tools, and The Dullards all of which Rage was a fan so it seemed to make the most sense. Now While Malice had completed their first album and brainstorming a title they decided to record some Cover Tunes or B-Sides on which Fury could/would play on.

March 5, 1988 Rage boarded his flight to Iceland never to be seen again. Malice decided to dedicate their first album to Rage and settled on the name Ragearrhea (a combination of Rage and Diarrhea because Rage always got a kick out of the GG Allin Song “Eat My Diarrhea” for being so absurdly over the top) Malice spent the rest of the day editing Ragearrhea over and over never quite all agreeing it was ready for release.

That night the entire band ate Acid an downed it with 191 proof Moonshine that a fan had sent them. When the sun arose Slickmann received a phone call fro the Police from Plankton 3 towns over to come retrieve his clients. Slickmann drove directly to the Plankton Police Department assuming the boys were sitting in jail (or more likely the Drunk Tank), but when he arrived he was informed that in fact the Band hadn’t been jailed. Confused as fuck Slickmann asked then where exactly was he supposed to go to pick up his clients, and was told to drive to the So Sweet Citrus Farm just 14 miles down the road from the Police Station.

Once Slickmann arrived at So Sweet Citrus Farm Slickmann was led by a Police Officer into an Orange Grove. There looked up and saw the band, all buck naked, and sitting balled up in a rather large orange tree. The fire department was there and allowed Slickmann the use of one of their ladders to assigned up into the branches to retrieve his clients. Once Slickmann reached the first member being Von Dire reached out to grab his arm and demand what the hell was going on. Before a single finger touched Von Dire he uttered two words “Not Ripe.”

It was then Slickmann realized the band was tripping so hard they actually thought they were oranges. So Slickmann thinking fast on his feet told the band that if they weren’t safe in his car they would be picked,pulverized, and have their juice drained. Slickmann’s plan worked and one by one the band members dropped to the ground where Slickmann picked them up and carried each one to his awaiting car.

March 8, 1988 after 3 days of non stop hallucinating Malice came down and back into the studio to put the finishing touches on Ragearrhea. During the editing process Von Dire was manically twisting knobs and switching dial when he suddenly became sick and vomited bloody feces on the elaborate sound board, and then sharted out his entire liver. The Engineer flipped the fuck out and dialed 911 while trying not to vomit himself. The Coroner pronounced Von Dire Dead on Arrival (but not after stealing Von Dire’s liver which he later sold on EBay for $1.5 Million)  In Surprise and Sorrow Sleaze shot up heroin by piggy backing needles into his neck, and passed out in an ally, Vile got piss drunk and passed out under an bridge, and Fury sobered up and found himself inexplicably in Detroit.

March 9, 1988 Malice gave Von Dire the Authentic Viking Funeral he always wanted. They had a large wooden raft constructed from logs of trees nearby, placed Von Dire’s body on the raft, and then placed personal items of Dire’s such as his favorite microphone, Porno, and Bong. The band then took turns saying a few words of Dire’s behalf, and then they set the raft adrift. Once it was far enough out Von Dire’s brother Van Dire shot a flaming arrow out above the water where it found its mark hitting the raft dead on. The raft burst into flame and slowly floated off into the setting sun on the horizon.

March 10, 1988 Malice meets with Executives from Razorback Records where they gave them the completed Ragearrhea Album which they fell instantly in love with. They then tasked Malice to pick which track from the album would be their first single, and being extremely concerned over the fact their new hot band (with a new record hot of the presses) in fact had no lead singer instructed Malice to hire one ASAP Yesterday. Malice went to a downtown dive bar named The Drunkard to discuss their options as far as a new singer was concerned.

Fury had been in a band called Finger Fucker and suggested that they perhaps should consider trying to recruit their lead singer  Izzy Insane. The rest of the band agreed it wouldn’t be the worst idea to at least go check Izzy out, and as luck should have it they were playing a show later that night at The Leisure Club.

Vile and Sleaze were impressed enough that (along with Fury) they made Izzy an offer. It turned out Izzy was fighting with the other members of Finger Fucker because the band didn’t approve of Izzy getting engaged to Maxi Padd (the lead singer of all female hardcore punk band Slut City.) No member of Malice gave a shit about who Izzy was involved with in the least which Izzy found a breath fresh air. Izzy left that night with Malice not even bothering to mention he was quitting to his fellow band members in Finger Fucker.

March 11, 1988 Malice informed Razorback that they have indeed found themselves a new lead singer in Izzy Insane. A delighted Razorback informed Malice that they would start the Pre Album Release promotion machine,book numerous interviews, and would be scheduling a American as well as European Tour to also promote the Album. About 4 hours later Razorback called back and inform the band that They had announced the New Album and the supporting tour. Now this is were things started to get a bit insane.

Razorback then went on to tell the band that due to the unanticipated, but amazingly massive response towards the new Album  They were releasing the it early. Instead of sticking with the original release date of April 18th were in fact now going to release it tomorrow. That in turn meant the “Carnal Carnival” Tour would also be moved up too (when fans heard of the upcoming tour launched a berauge of demand for tickets upon any concert venue in their city desperately seeking tickets) The tour would now be starting off in the days on March 14th with the first show in Berwick-upon-Tweed Northumberland, England.

March 12, 1988 Malice headed to the International Air Port to catch their flight to England in preparation for their first show of their “Carnal Carnival” tour.  Meanwhile Razorback launched Malice’s debut Record now titled “Disputing The Charges” in America where the fans went buck wild. Record Stores sold out of the Album, Fans franticly flocked to score concert tickets like mad, and Malice sold out of all other merch (such as T-Shirts and Bumper Stickers) as well. Razorback was so overwhelmed buy the never seen before success of Malice the quickly dropped all of their other acts to solo focus on their Cash Cow. In response to the increasing demand for all things Malice Razorback also contracted 22 new factories to print as many Albums as the could with large cash bonuses for speed of production were also offered. Razorback then dealt with the Malice Concert tour issues by tripling all of Malice’s show American Concert dates (meaning if Malice was originally scheduled to play 1 show Friday they would now be playing additional shows on Saturday and Sunday), and then Razorback signed 11,314 exclusive contracts for Malice merchandising retail sales.

March 14, 1988 Razorback called Slickmann at 5 am to tell him Malice’s album had actually gone to the number one spot on the Billboard charts. Radio stations were playing 12 Malice songs an hour (an average of 3 per 15 minutes of air time), and MTV was beating down there door wanting to know when the band would be releasing a video. Based on that Razorback had booked an emergency video shoot for the very next day to capitalize on Malice’s first European Show and first show of their “Carnal Carnival”Tour.

Slickmann went to The Wellington House a lovely little British Bed and Breakfast that Razorback has mistakenly reserved for Malice’s stay while on tour. Slickmann arrived to find the Wellington trashed beyond recognition, the irate Owner screaming at the Police while his hysterical wife sat on the from lawn, and every member of the band laying about the grounds in various states of intoxication and undress. Slickmann snuck around the well distracted Police Officers and managed to collect both Vile and Fury literally dragging them by their ankles to the parked tour Van. Once Slickmann secured his first two clients (simply by buckling them into their seat, plus if they wriggled free of the seat belts the steering wheel being on the left would confuse them to no end) went back to retrieve Sane and Sleaze who were awkwardly positioned sprawled out on the front lawn.

Slickmann slithered up to the Owner’s Wife and proceeded to agitate her further into a complete tizzy. He then walked over to the Owner grabbed him by the shoulder and spun him around like a top. Once the Owner and Slickmann were face to face Slickmann suggested the man’s time would be better spent calling his lawyer than screaming at the Police. The tactic worked like a charm and the Owner took off to call his lawyer. The Police thanked Slickmann and then turned their attention to the Owner’s Wife’s mental meltdown. At this point Slickmann snagged Sleaze and Sane, ushered them to the Van and sped off as fast as he could.

Right before they were headed to the stage Malice got a call from Razorback in their dressing room. Razorback wanted to let the band know that since they had failed to pick the first single for Ragearrhea they had. Razorback decided to go with “Its Easy Being Sleazy” followed by “Liquor, Ladies, and Lingerie”, and then “Beer Belly Blues”. Malice thought that was fine because it didn’t require them to do jack diddly shit, and that combined with the fact the band actually didn’t care which song was used as the single (Sleaze was on record in an interview with Metalhead Magazine that as far as he was concerned singles shitty singles as singles were complete shit.)

The Show that night was a massive success as the fans went fucking wild, and Malice ended up playing 4 encores  after their 3 1/2 hour set. The band was in and downing good spirits, and went out to the only Strip Club called The Lusty Lass for a post show party. There Vile met a pair of Siamese Twin Sisters (they shared a mutual pinky) who worked as contortionists in a traveling State Fair, and fell madly in love with them, we’re talking head over heels hallmark type shit here. Vile ended up marrying the Spinster Sisters in two individual ceremonies at the neighbor hood Pub by a drunken Minister, and the two Sisters (Una and Dosa) joined the band for the remainder of their tour.

March, 15th 1988 Malice showed up 6 hours and High off their asses for their video shoot.  The day was a total fucking shit show as the band was too intoxicated to follow any direction no matter how simple. Sleaze kept nodding off due to having shot up enough Heroin to kill a Horse while Vile kept walking off in search of any type Alcohol, and Fury just stood in place swaying slightly drooling on himself comatose. Sane was running around like a cracked out jack rabbit after snorting a quarter ounce of Crystal Meth that morning for breakfast. The original video director walked off set saying he couldn’t work with a group of untalented American drunks and druggies, the Assistant director took over only to quit half an hour later because he couldn’t handle the ongoing chaos. At this point Slickmann knew it was time to step up his game.

First Slickmann snatched the Bottle of RotGut Fortified Wine from his trunk he kept for emergencies such as this. Slickmann then flagged down Vile and gave him the bottle along with his Bass. Then Slickmann found a Camera man who happened to sell Cocaine to supplement his income, bought an 8 Ball, and gave it to Sleaze with the instructions to “Wake The Fuck Up”. Now Slickmann turned his attention to Sane, and managed to score a handful of pills (Valium, Vicodin, Xanax, and Oxycontin) which he handed to Sane telling him to grind them up and snort them ASAP (Snorting crushed up pills allows the user to feel the effects faster then swallowing them) Finally Slickmann had to deal with Fury which he injected with an EpiPen  (which is essential Adrenaline) he stole from a onsite first aid kit.

Once the members of Malice had balanced out their intoxicants the shoot was locked and loaded, but they still need a Director so once again Slickmann stepped in as Director. The video shoot went splendidly and the band was done Shooting in just under 30 minutes. Slickmann then immediately sent the video to Razorback Records, and a copy to MTV.

May 16, 1988 Nothing Eventful or Interesting occurred. Slickmann slipped Roofies into Malice’s morning Bloody Mary’s rendering them unconscious for 19 hours straight. Slickmann had a pleasant and restful day setting up interviews, talking to various companies about sponsorship/product endorsement/advertising deals and so on.

March 17, 1988 That morning Malice did a marathon session of magazine interviews with Revolver, RollingStone, Hit Parader, Mental For Metal, and  Circus just for starters. Malice also had done a ton of interviews via the phone with Radio Shows such as Bubba and BooYah in the Morning, The Howard Stern Show, and The Greaseman Morning Show. The Band went to The Booze Hound Bar and drank their lunch before heading over to a local High School where Slickmann had the AV Club ready and waiting to film an interview for MTV’s Headbanger’s Ball (MTV’s Saturday at Midnight Heavy Metal Show). After the MTV video interview was done Malice headed off to The Local Yokel Amphitheater in Swansea Wales a rough and tumble town plagued by poverty and drug addiction.

The Show was a raging success with the Highlight being Sane led the Audience in a sing-a-long of their Cock Rock Classic “Free Mustache Rides (All Day Long)” and pulled one lucky Fan on stage to sing the chorus for Malice’s impromptu  a cover of  The Eater’s of The Dead” by the Legendary Punk Band The Perv’s.

March 18, 1988 At an early breakfast meeting Sleaze announced that he felt at home in Swansea’s nitty gritty and often shitty city life. Plus there was plenty of high grade Heroin to go around so Sleaze truly was in his element. With this sudden and new life choice Sleaze would be leaving the band to pursue his dream of being a washed up junkie has been. Before Malice’s Management shit the bed Sleaze informed the band he had already found his/their replacement guitarist. Sleaze’s replacement would his younger brother Davie Scum who already knew all of Malice’s songs by heart, and who’s last band The Dire had imploded over artistic differences. The other members of Malice didn’t object as they figured if Davie was Sleaze’s Little brother then he’d be bad ass enough for them.

That night’s show was a disaster of epic proportions. First off Malice missed sound check showing up while their opening act The Slags (a local band booked for that night) were in the middle of their set. The Slags were having a hell of a night and the crowd was on fucking fire so The Slags did a couple of encores to a roaring Audience. When the Slags announced they’d be playing yet another encore Malice lost their collective Mind. All Members of Malice ran out on stage and started pushing and shoving members of The Slag’s while trying to wrestle their instruments from them.

Gunther Gunner the lead Singers of The Slags head butted the shit out of Sane breaking his nose, Vile then kicked Gunner square in the balls so hard he vomited. Seeing this Roger Dodger (the Guitarist of The Slags) grabbed his guitar strap off his guitar and proceeded to whip Vile relentlessly with it like a dog. Fury came to Vile’s aid by smashing Dodger upside his head with a Microphone Stand which split Dodger’s head open like a ripened cantaloupe sending a torrent of blood exploding forth from a massive gash on Dodger’s forehead. Scum being the new kid on the block and not wanting to show band unity Started breaking beer bottles over the head of any The Slags band members. Security scrambled on stage to stop the brawl and became part of it instead, it was a may lay of fists and feet as the fight turned into every man for themselves.

The fans of each band in the front row started beating the hell out of each other which spread through out the Audience until the entire venue had erupted in a full blown Riot. The Police came speeding in with their lights blazing, and officers started jumping out of their patrol cars and strapping into their riot gear. The fans began vandalizing the Venue, and set fire to all of the concession booths as the first round of Tear Gas came raining down. By the time Law Enforcement had gotten the scene under control 227 Fans were treated for various injuries (ranging from small cuts to a gut who got kicked so hard in the head his eyes popped, and swung back end forth on the optic nerves), 379 Fans were arrested, and one Fan died (it was later corner listed the cause of death as a heart attack most likely caused by the extreme excitement of seeing his favorite band Malice Live). Malice was arrested, held over night, and released on $500,000 Bail with a new list of charges.

March 19, 1988 Malice Arrived in Italy for their show in the city of Urbino the next day, when they were stopped by customs. A Customs Agent led the band into a small detention room where they were met by The Polizia di Stato (The Italy’s State Police). The Polizia where there to inform the Band that they were there to Arrest Vic Vile on the charge of Polygamy. They stated that since Vile had married the Spinster Sister’s Una and Dosa individually meaning he was in fact married to two different women.

Slickmann sent for the Band’s high profile Lawyer TR McCoy who arrived a few hours later on his private sonic jet, and then jumped in a waiting Bentley Limo he had custom made (TR McCoy lived in Italy one month out of the year, and owned a spacious Mediterranean Villa in Venice) By the time TR McCoy arrived at the Police station he was told Vile had been taken to the Court House already to stand trial. McCoy then hauled ass over to the Court House only to discover Vile’s trial was already over, and he had been found guilty. McCoy then sped over to the County Prison to consult with Vile and see if he could bail him out, but once at the Prison the Warden told McCoy that since Vile had been found guilty he was then sentenced immediately. Now considering the Italy’s long and illustrious history of Christianity (and high concentration of Catholic’s )called for a Polygamist  be put to death. So for all his efforts and killer response time McCoy was too late to do a damn thing, but to arrange Vile’s body to be sent back to America for Burial.

Malice’s show that night fared no better. The Stadium that Malice was scheduled to play at was being protested and heavily picketed by the Catholic Coalition of Christ since Malice had been condemned as an abomination by the current Pope. That nights fill in bassist (for the newly deceased Vic Vile was strolling into the venue when the Protester’s spotted and attacked him pelting him mercilessly with Crucifixes, Whipping him with Rosaries, and beating him brutally with a various variety of Bibles. The poor guy ended up in a mock crucifixion in the middle of the parking lot.

The Protest was so heated that when Malice arrived they were trapped on their tour bus surrounded by religious fanatics with signs that said things like “Malice: The Sound Track To Hell” or “Malice is the Sinful Servants of SATAN” screaming scripture non stop yelling over each other. Malice decided the protest was a huge hassle and had agreed leaving was their only option, but not before Scum climbed out of the emergency exit on the roof off the bus to address the protesters.

Scum  repeatedly made the sign of the cross upside down, waving his “Devil Horns” (as the hand jester is referred too), and pelting people with copies of The Cult of Id’s “Hedonism Not Hell” inciting further rage against the group. Scum then attempted to shit on the Protesters, but to no avail as he was seriously constipated due to taking fist full of Opioid Pain Killers) Slickmann buckled down that night (while Malice retreated to Sex Club for its Annual All Anal Orgy, and tried to do all of the drugs in Italy) for the PR nightmare no doubt coming first thing in the morning.

March 20, 1988 The phone rang off the fucking hook starting at 6 am as a the Press blitzkrieg began. It seemed ever Media outlet was beating down Malice’s Hotel room door to get a piece of the impending Scandal steaming from last nights failed show. Scum went on record stating his official opinion was that the Protesters (as well as anyone else) were fanatical assholes who Weaponize the Bible for their own personal beliefs or agendas. Sane’s statement to the Press was simply that “I shoot Dope with The Pope.” Meanwhile Fury got so shitfaced that he just rambled incoherently about different conspiracy theories such as the Illuminati were behind the anti-Malice Protest.

Now while Malice manned the phones Slickmann had to deal with the shipping of Vile’s body Stateside which had happened to go from bad to worse. The Italian Government claimed they had sent the body via an International Cargo Ship, but Vile’s body had been somehow lost at sea along the voyage. Slickmann had to think fast and came up with the plan to call Vile’s Family (and as far as the Press was concerned) and tell them Vic wanted to be Buried at Sea. Next on Slickmann’s agenda was handling his fair share of the Press Onslaught that was still raging on with no sign of stopping. After several hours of dealing with the Press Slickmann realized in all the chaotic madness that no one had addressed the fact that Malice needed a replacement Bassist.

Slickmann thought up a Hail Mary, and had Sane contact his Fiancé Maxi Padd who was the Singer/Bassist of the All Female Punk Band Slut City. In a turn of good luck Slut City was on hideous so She was able to fill in for Vile until the end of the tour. Once again association with a Malice member was good enough to get the green light from the rest of the band making Maxi the official new Malice Bassist.

That nights show at the Benito de Soto Amphitheater was suddenly cancelled because apparently a gang of Soccer Hooligans at the previous night’s game between intense rivals The Matador ‘s versus The Revolucionaria de los Trabajadores Alliance got out of hand. Well in fact it turned into one giant fist fight between fan’s as bottles and Molotov Cocktails were tossed around like footballs. By the time the Police dispersed the Crowd, and arrested as many perpetrators as they could the Amphitheater was well on its way to burning to the ground.

March 22, 1988 Malice was detained at Ireland’s Kilkenny International Air Port under suspicion of Smuggling Exotic Animals. It only took about 15 minutes or so for the band to be cleared by Customs, and they headed straight to the Hotel accommodations. Slickmann had booked the band the Penthouse Suit to celebrate the tour success thus far a decision he’d later regret.

That nights show at The NewDublin Stadium went off without incident which was a relief to many. Back at the Penthouse Malice called in a small army of Escorts and Strippers up, and hired a professional camera crew to film their Rock Opera Porno Movie. For the next 3 days Malice barricaded themselves in the Penthouse running up a six figure room service tab as Pimps, Prostitutes, Porn Stars, and Associated Drug Dealers came and went  constantly in and out 24 hours a day in a seemingly endless procession. The Hotel Management was on the verge of calling the Police the entire 72 hours, but Slickmann threw enough money at them that held off. Slickmann had again contacted TR McCoy the band’s high powered Lawyer and had him fly in to assist with the legal issues of the absurd situation.

On the evening of the 3rd day Malice finally emerged from the Penthouse suit looking like cadavers with pale skin, sunken eyes, blank expressions, and in a drug induced haze. Skillmann checked every member of Malice into the closest Detox he could find to have the drugs pumped out of his half dead clients. While Malice was Detoxing Slickmann met up with TR McCoy back at the Hotel for a meeting at the infamous Rock Opera Porn suit as it was now being referred to by the staff. When the two walked into the Penthouse looked more like a Crack House.

The furniture for the most part had been smashed to pieces or had just seemed to have vanished into thin air. There were 4 bare mattresses laying randomly on the floor which was littered in a thick blanket of Beer and Booze Bottles. Over flowing ash trays were perched on every viable surface like little cancer landslides. The toilet was broken, the shower had been left running and there was a variety of drug paraphernalia stashed all over the place, Crack Pipes in the couch, empty Drug Baggies laying all about, mirrors coated with Cocaine residue, numerous syringes, Meth Pipes on and under the only remaining table, Heroin spoons in the kitchen lined the counter like from some Dope Shooting contest, and clusters of empty pill bottles were stacked up in the corners. Slickmann and McCoy instantly agreed to have their discussion out in the hall as they were sure they would contract every venlarial disease known to man.

McCoy said he would fend off any possible legal issues with the Hotel with a fat ass check, and any issues’s with local Law Enforcement McCoy would claim that due to the prolific drug/alcohol use were rendered temporarily insane due to drug induced psychosis. Slickmann’s job was to hunt down and confiscate every piece of footage of Malice or their movie from the past 72 hours and destroy it which somehow he managed to do by asking questions and writing a plethora of checks. Slickmann then picked up Malice at the Detox and escorted then directly to their private plane without a single moment to waste. As Malice’s plane was just taking off the Police showed up and stormed the Airport looking to arrest Malice for a Soliciting Prostitution, Soliciting Narcotics, Vandalism, Grand Theft (the missing Hotel Furniture), Illegal filming of Pornographic material, Bribery, Obstruction of Justice, and Obscenity. McCoy remained behind at the Air Port to deal with Police and Malice’s long list of assorted charges.

March 25, 1988 Malice’s arrival in Germany was met with a grand fanfare as hundreds of Fans had found out where and when Malice’s plane (usually kept as a well guarded secret to avoid Fan interference) was landing. Skillmann instructed the Pilot to take off and head for McMillan Air Strip immediately. After landing once again this time at a Fan free Airport Malice hurriedly made their way to the Concert Venue cancelling their Hotel reservation on the way (they figured if the mob at the Airport had found out when/where they were landing then they more than likely knew what Hotel they were staying at.)

That night Malice played to a record setting sold out crowd of Beer Fueled Fanatical Fans. During the guitar solo for Malice’s number one album chart topping song “Late Night Loving” Malice’s equipment over powered the Stadium’s electrical system causing it to explode, and shrouding the entire Stadium in a cloak of darkness. This prompted Scum to snag a Megaphone and invite everyone in attendance to join Malice for drinks at The Duggered Dog Pub down the street from the Stadium. Malice stayed to party with their adoring fans into the wee hours of the morning, and ended up going straight from The Duggered Dog to their Plane the next day.

On the way to the plane Slickmann noticed Fury was missing from the line up. Slickmann then interrogated the other members of Malice as to Fury’s whereabouts, but still being 16 times the legal limit none of them seemed to know. Sane volunteered that Fury had left the Pub in search of information on his German heritage. Slickmann breathed a sigh of relief, and couldn’t believe his luck that the answer to Fury’s exact location at this time was such an easy one. Slickmann told the chauffeur to drive to The National German Heritage Museum.

The scene that greeted Slickmann when he arrived at the National German Heritage Museum was right out of a TV Crime Drama. There were 2 Police cars parked with their light flashing but sirens off behind a Ambulance. On the sidewalk in front of the museum were two EMTs standing on either side of a man strapped to a stretcher, and that man was Mitch Fury naked covered head to toe in what looked like shit. Slickmann approached one of the EMTS to inquire to what the hell happened.

The EMT told him that when the staff of the museum had showed up to work that morning they noticed that one of the front windows had been smashed out. Initially they thought it was just some local high school vandals had gotten drunk and decided to raise hell. Upon entering the museum however they saw sign of an intruder leading from the broken window into the World War 2 Wing of the museum. It was at that point the concerned staff phoned the Police who arrived promptly to investigate the breaking and entering.

What the Police found was as disturbing as it was absurd. Fury was totally naked, covered in his own feces clutching the leg of a Mannequin dressed in a Nazi SS Uniform, swaying back and forth while muttering “I’m a Piece of Shit” over and over inconsolably. From what the Police had figured out at this point was an intoxicated Fury had broken into the museum to “research” his family tree as he was of German heritage, and had suffered a sudden phycological breakdown when he found out he was directly related to Adolf Hitler (via a bastard baby Hitler had with a Sausage Factory Worker in 1939) Slickmann called the Record Label as Fury was taken to Schietzer State Metal Hospital for further evaluation.

March 26, 1988 After hearing Slickmann’s update on Malice and their current tour instructed Skillmann to do the following. The first was get Malice on their plane and fly them State side immediately, and leave Fury in the care of the German Mental Health Professionals for now. Razorback wasn’t having Malice return because they were pissed off at the Band for their excessive on and off stage outrageous antics it was quite the opposite. Razorback had racked up so much money from having Malice as a client was truly monumental (example half of the current staff at Razorback got so rich that the retired early). Thus it was in Razorback’s best financial interests to have their Cash Cow back in the pasture. They set up a stay for Malice at the most secluded and private (not to mention government level security) Hawaiian’s Elite Spa where they were to go directly from the German Airport. Slickmann was then told to fly to Los Angeles to meet with the company heads at Razorback Records to talk shop and marketing strategies.

For the rest of the month of March Malice enjoyed the Coconut-Ketamine Coma Dream Therapy offered at Elite Spa, lounging by the poor downing Daiquiris, smoking high grade Marijuana, and chronically masturbating like Monkeys. Skillmann met with the Executives at Razorback for a 5 day all out marketing madman meeting holed up in the company’s Board Room surviving on Energy Drinks, Protein Bars, and a copious amount Gin.

Stay Tuned For Malice: The Band That Almost Killed Us All part 4 Coming Soon…..

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober 

Chaos & The 2 Year Career: Malice The Band That Almost Killed Us All Part 2

NOTE: Alright Reader from now on I will be using a Time Line to keep this post entertaining and no longer than it needs to be.

Feb. 5th, 1988  “Mad as Hell” Tour ends, and Gar Fisch announces he is leaving the band due to the physical toll that the Stank Breath Years had taken on his body and health. For Example due to Gar’s firecracker anal oriented antics had left Gar with a permanently prolapsed asshole.

Feb. 7th, 1988 Von Dire calls an emergency band meeting, and after several rounds of Tequila Shots and Nitrous Whip Its decided to hire a manager. They settled on Marty Trundle who immediately terminated their contract with RatFuck Records and got them signed to WhoreMonger Records a major International label.

Feb. 9th, 1988 WhoreMonger books Malice on a 6 month Festival Tour across North America and Europe. Malice celebrates with a 72 hour drug binge ending in the band being arrested for Public Intoxication, Public Nudity, and Defecting in Public.

Feb. 13th, 1988 Trundle introduced Dire, Vile, and Rage to Ex-Sleaze guitarist Eddie Sleaze as a possible replacement for Gar Fisch. The band and Sleaze bond over countless beers and lines of Cocaine. Somewhere along the way Sleaze was officially hired as Malice’s replacement guitarist.

Feb. 15th, 1988 Malice hit the road for the start of the “WhoreMonger’s Whores” Tour with their first show in Peoria Illinois at The Mental Metal Festival. The show ended early because the Fire Marshall showed up and informed the Festival Promoter the amount of Pyrotechnics Malice planned to use were considered “A Hazardous Explosive Threat”. The Promotoer facing a massive fine as well as having his entire Festival shut down radioed the Stage Manager and told him to halt any future Pyrotechnics Malice was planning to use. When the Pyrotechnics didn’t go off during the drum solo Von Dire was infuriated beyond belief.

The rest of the band seeing something serious was going down stopped playing mid song. The confused Crowd was left standing in a muddy field wondering why the show they paid for suddenly stopped during the Headliner’s set. Von Dire grabbed the Promoter by the front of his shirt and dragged him on stage to confront him. Vile, Rage, and Sleazy abandoned their instruments as they walked over to see what the fuck the deal was. A now enraged Von Dire is screaming at the top of his lungs about how no bullshit is going to fuck up his show, Malice wanted to be financially compensated for the pyrotechnics not being used, and that the Promoter he was a sniveling, slippery little shit.

Sleaze decided he felt the same as Von Dire about the situation, and did nothing but piss gas on the fire by agitating Von Dire further and further. Rage left the stage pissed off, and not wanting to deal with this shit show so he was going to get shitfaced. Vile managed to get between Von Dire and the Promoter and was struggling to keep the two men apart as now the Promoter was angry as hell about being physically and verbally assaulted by Von Dire. With things utterly out of control Vile punched Von Dire in the balls and handed him off to a Roadie. Before Vile could explain himself  (hitting Von Dire in the balls was the only way for anyone to shut him down) was hit over the head with an empty beer bottled wielded by Sleaze.

The Stage crew, Festival Security, and the arrival of the Police combined managed to get things under control, but the Festival would be rescheduled for a later date due to the uproar that tonights show. Von Dire and Sleaze went to jail for Assault and Terroristic Threats, Vile went to the Emergency Room and received 19 stitches, and Rage ended up in the ER as well for Alcohol Poisoning later that night.

Feb. 18th, 1988 Malice plays the Wisconsin “Heavy Metal Massacre” Festival. The show goes well and without incident, but after the show things got pretty fucking crazy. After their set Malice retired to their dressing room for a pre celebration party celebration. They did so much Blow that they effectively snorted themselves into cocaine psychosis, ended up at the air for, barged through a line of people waiting to board their plane, and ended up on a flight to Albany NY. Luckily Trundle made it to the air port before the plane took off, but had to have the pilot to agree to taxi around the runway. This way Trundle argued he could convince the band they in fact had completed their impromptu plane ride.

Feb. 20th, 1988 Malice shows up a day early for Salt Lake City’s “SLC Metal Mayhem” Festival in Utah. Vile went to the Bauhaus Brewery (No relation to the post-punk band Bauhaus) and managed to get kicked out for being too drunk for the brewery tour. Trundle came and picked up the heavily intoxicated Vile and drove him to the Hotel Harrison to sleep it off.

Trundle then received a call that Rage was at The Pink Pussy also drunk off his ass and had jumped up on stage to preform his own strip tease. Though the Police had been called to the scene Trundle managed to convince them to let Rage go with a drunk and disorderly misdemeanor. While Trundle was running around like a mad man trying to keep his clients out of jail, the hospital or the Coroner’s Von Dire and Sleaze took a Ferrari for a test drive and traded it for $10,000 of Crack.

Now with a fat sack filled with high quality Crack Rocks walked to the nearest Shitty Corner Neighborhood Hellhole ran up a $379 tab before the two pulled a Booze-N-Bolt stiffing the elderly bartender who called the Cops. Fueled by a serious supply of Crack Von Dire and Sleaze picked up some $2 Hookers, and got a room at the nearest Flop House Motel (You know the kind where you pay by the hour and no one snitches)

After a STD ridden sexfest Von Dire and Sleazy had literally burned through their Crack Stash opted to inject Adderall into their necks. This is when all of a sudden Trundle burst into the room. He knew where the two were at because he had placed a GPS Tracker in one Vile’s many pieces of jewelry. Trundle had done this because after 12 years in the music business he had learned how to keep track off “High Risk” Talent. Trundle took Von Dire and Sleazy to a local 24 hour Drug Detox Center and had both their systems flushed free off Narcotics.

Feb 20th Malice misses their set at the “SLC Metal Mayhem” Festival due to the band was still recovering from the partying they did the night before. When the Crowd found out Malice was going to be a No Show they began to riot tearing the venue to pieces. In a last ditch effort to end the riot without incident or Police involvement the Festival’s Promoter announced that another fan favorite The Savage Savages would be taking Malice’s spot, and there would be a free meet-N-Greet after the show. This soothed the seething fans who stopped the destruction and celebrated in jubilation. The night ended with no one getting hurt or arrested, it was nothing short of a miracle.

Feb 21st Malice arrive at “Madmen of Metal” Festival in Hoonah Alaska population 740 (571 of which were rabid Malice Fans). The Show was one of Malice’s most notorious they ever preformed. As the band launched into their number one hit “Shit Sandwich” a rouge Penguin waddled on stage. Von Dire being lit as shit on LSD and Mushrooms was completely oblivious, and accidentally kicked the poor Penguin square in the face. What no one knew at the time that the Penguin was in actuality the prized pet of an Inuit Tribal Chief who took it as a gravest of insults. The still oblivious Von Dire instructed Malice to play their unit-authoritarian anthem “Fuck’em All” in response to the angry Inuit barrage. As the Inuits fought security Malice played on further infuriating the already anger Inuits who now where well aware they were being mocked by Malice’s music.

The Inuit’s at last had dispensed of every security guard and ran up on stage, grabbed Von Dire, Sleaze and Vile, tried a rope around their ankles, attached the other end of the rope to awaiting Dog Sleds, and then told the Sled Dogs to Mush dragging the 3 musicians off into the freezing pitch black of the Alaskan night. Von Dire, Vile, and Sleaze where found 8 hours later when the Sled Dogs stopped to take 5. All 3 were treated for frost bite and hypothermia and made a full recovery in a matter of days.

Malice was charged by the State of Alaska for Animal Abuse, Desecrating Sacred Tribal Soil, and Hate Crimes against the indigenous Inuits. None of these law suites was ever settled because Malice Self Destructed before the length court process was complete. To this day no one knows how Rage avoided capture including Rage who was blackout drunk before taking the stage.

Feb 23, 1988 Finally released from the Alaskan Hospital Von Dire, Vile, and Sleaze rejoined Rage and the band departed for the Oregan’s “Masters of Metal” Festival in the town of Ashland. Before the show Sleaze had an altercation with the opening band Pisser’s drummer. Apparently Sleaze was not a fan of Pisser’s music and considered them to be Punk Rock Wannabe’s. Sleaze had spent the day insulting the band, and talking mad shit to anyone who’d listen. Then Sleaze was approached by a reporter for “Heavy Metal Magazine” for a on the spot interview about the Festival Tour thus far, and how the band was handling it. During the interview of course Sleazy used the platform to further insult Pisser claiming their guitarist Ulrich “The Urinal” Upschicker was a shitty Eddie Sleaze imitation. Sleaze went on to further claim Pisser stole Stank Breath’s musical style in a lame attempt to capitalize on Malice’s wild success.

Later that night during Malice’s encore that night Ulrich made an unscheduled and unwanted appearance. Ulrich walked determinately onto the stage waiving a Giant, Double Headed, Neon Pink Dildo, and then walked over to Sleaze. Sleaze who was already striding across the stage to see what the fuck Ulrich was doing dropped his guitar and flipped Ulrich off with both hands. Ulrich then charged at Sleaze wailing the Dildo until he got face to face with Sleaze at which point he Pimp Slapped Sleaze across the face knocking him backwards.

Rage then threw his drum sticks at Ulrich who responded by ducking the drum sticks and laughing manically at Rages attempt to thwart him. Rage then came bolting out from behind his drums like a Bull in a china shop knocking his entire drum kit off the drum stage. Once Rage hit the stage he unceremoniously tripped over part of his drum kit and twisted his ankle sending him crashing down face first through his Bass Drum.

This amused Ulrich who now was being some what restrained by Security to no end, and further facilitating Ulrich’s maniacal Laughing. fit. Sleaze at the same time was distracted from Ulrich because he was busy battling Security to get off of him. Sleaze head butted several Security Guards before breaking free long enough to run across the stage, leap over the heads of the Security Guards surrounding Ulrich, and hit him with one hell of a Haymaker. The Punch hit Ulrich with such force it knocked out Ulrich’s two front teeth. Security consolidated their efforts on Sleaze at that point as Ulrich was distracted now looking for his teeth, and hollering for a Gallon of Milk.

Vile and Von Dire scrambled around avoiding Security as a couple of Roadies managed to retrieve Rage from amid the chaos to the on site EMT Tent. Von Dire spent his time dodging Security to rile the Crowd into a fit of frenzy until the Promoter cut the mic. This didn’t stop Von Dire who continued to scream at the Crowd inciting a violent relation against Pisser and any asshole who would hire them. Vile grabbed a bottle of Whiskey from the side of the stage (and downed the entire bottle) while ducking Security who were desperately trying to end the fight between Sleaze and Ulrich. The Police showed up in full Riot Gear and started using Tear Gas to disperse the unruly Crowd sending Malice fleeing the stage. Malice made it safely (aside from Rage’s self induced sprained ankle) to the waiting tour bus, and Trundle put the peddle to the metal speeding off down the Highway words the next show.

Feb. 26th 1988 Malice had spent the last couple of days on the way to South Dakota’s “Mega Metalfest” Festival in the town of Wall on the phone doing hundreds of interviews with the press in America, Asia, Canada, and Europe. Undoubtedly Malice was dominating the music scene across every medium Televisions, Newspapers, Magazines, and Word of Mouth. By the time Malice pulled into Wall their ego’s were so inflated they cancelled their performance, and announced it was due to the fact they had become too famous to play a town like Wall (whose a year round population of 800.)

Feb 28th 1988 The final day of the Festival Circuit Malice had fired Trundle and were actively looking for new representation. They had also terminated their deal with WhoreMonger and signed instead with Razorback Records who promised they could record their first album immediately. See up to this point though Malice’s success was sizable it was built sold on their live shows, they hadn’t even recorded a single song. That nights show was wild as Malice hit the stage in high spirits and ended up playing 4 encores before showering the audience with $250,000 worth of Champaine (the Band used the entire $250,000 signing bonus with Razorback on the extravagance) Malice spent the rest of the night driving around town partying with everyone who crossed their path.

Stay Tuned for the Next Installment Of Malice The Band Who Almost Killed Us All posting NEXT after this radically surreal piece by SpaceDog.

Thank for Reading,

Les Sober 

 

Shotguns, My Grandfather & The Guy Who Should Have Died

My grandparents lived in a Farmhouse built circa 1883 on a massive 1,100 ache plus property down south in a tiny town know as Podunk. Every summer and every Christmas my family and I would drive down to  visit my grandparents on the farm since my brother and I were off from school. While the town was so tiny (that when it got a second traffic light it was a big goddamn deal let me tell you) there are 2 major trucking companies headquarters located in Podunk that run 18 wheelers all day and all night long transporting everything under the sun. Luckily when the main road in and out of Podunk was to be built they asked my great grandfather about its placement since( like the original 19th century dirt road) it would run through a portion of his property. So instead of having the modern road run directly outside of the Farm house’s front yard gate he decided to have it built this time with a huge curve that brought the road out to a 1/4 of a mile from the main house. Between the farmhouse and the new road is essential a giant grassy field with a semi circle dirt driveway that allows the house to be accessed by 2 separate entries from the outlying road. Now on the outer side of the large curve is a 6 1/2 foot ditch (before you reach the woods) and for the life of me to this very day I have no idea why the town hasn’t put of warning signs for the truckers. See if your driving an 18 wheeler and are going slow you’ll hug the road to safety ,BUT if your driving an 18 wheeler and your going to fast you’ll run off the road and plumet head first into the aforementioned big ass ditch.

One summer while we were visiting my grandparents when late one night we all got one hell of a scare. What set off the insane events of that night started when a trucker driving a rather big tanker truck filled with liquid pesticide was speeding a bit and thusly found himself plunging head long into the ditch of death. The first thing that saved the driver’s life was when he crashed he was thrown from the cab, but this only got him out of the frying pan into the fire. If I recollect correctly the driver’s injuries included (but not limited to) Broken and cracked ribs, internal bleeding, severe lacerations, 2 completely shattered legs, head trauma, fractured right wrist, and massive bruising not to mention he was in shock as well. When the driver gathered his senses and managed to look around at his surroundings (as well as thanking whatever god he prays too for not being instantly and violently killed) he saw the far off light of farmhouse’s front porch lights and knew it was his only hope or he would in fact die on the side of the road. So summoning all his remaining strength the driver slowly (and I imagine quite painfully) pulled himself using just his arms and dragged himself the 1/4 mile across the grassy field and across to the front yard. I don’t know if the driver couldn’t get up the stairs to the front porch, but he again dragged himself around the side of the farmhouse to what is referred to as the middle porch. Its called the middle porch for one simple reason which is back in 1883 fire was a huge concern especially if you lived in a small rural town. Thusly to combat the threat of fire the architects of the day designed houses so you’d have the  house with a middle porch in-between the main house and the kitchen as well as dinning room. This way if your kitchen (which was the biggest threat of fire) did catch fire the middle porch provided a buffer in-between.

Once the driver reached the middle porch he preceded to punch his way through the screen of the exterior door leading off the middle porch to the surrounding yard. The driver opened the door and then pulled himself up onto the porch. From there he once again dragged himself in excruciating agony to the door to the main house and pounded on the door like his life depended on it which it did. The driver was screaming bloody murder things like”There’s been an accident! HELP! HELP ME PLEASE! Oh God, PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR I don’t want to die out here…” obviously to get the attention and aid of the homeowner (who for all he knew wan’t even home).

Now as one might imagine being that it was around 2 a.m. in the morning, virtually pitch black outside (no streetlights or urban sprawl makes night even darker), and we were located in such a rural area outside of a tiny town that we were basically on our own (the average police response time to the property is around 40 minutes or more.) There are 2 bedrooms at the back of the house on the 1st floor across from one another my brother and I slept in one and my parents slept in the other. I remember opening our bedroom door just a minute crack as to allow a singular eye to peer out into the hallway. I saw my father too had cracked open my parents bedroom door and glanced over at me to give me the universal “STAY THERE” hand gesture. All of us were freaked the hell out and had no idea what to do because like I said if there was a crash alright, but it could be some sick son of a bitch trying to gain access to the house and all that terrible shit. A minute or two of being frozen in place by paralyzing fear I heard the familiar sound of the wood stairs creaking as someone came down them and immediately looked to see what was going on there to see my grandparents. My grandfather being 6’3″ with a poker face made of stone and a shotgun in each hand was leading the way down the stairs.  My petite 5 foot nothing grandmother was literally right behind him and looked flustered as hell. My grandfather walked to the door not saying a word, unlocked it and forcefully swung it open. The driver collapsed backwards as the door flung open to see my grandfather standing there in his pajamas silently pointing a wicked looking pair of shotguns at him. At this point it was obvious there had in fact been a horrendous crash and there wasn’t some deranged rapist serial killer, and my parents and grandmother went into crisis damage control. My grandmother called 911, my father asked the man what happened and my mom frantically gathered first aid items. Meanwhile my grandfather continued to stand in the door way completely quite still aiming both gun barrels at the injured driver. After assessing the initial situation my grandmother suggested we move the injured driver off the porch and into the house’s main hallway, and it was then my grandfather spoke for the first and only time during the whole ordeal. What my grandfather said I will remember to the day I die and its only one singular sentence                         “Don’t bleed on my carpet.”

Note to Reader: The driver was taken by ambulance to the nearest hospital for emergency medical treatment. My father called the hospital the next day and was informed the driver was alive, stable and would completely recover from all of his various injuries.