extortion – f-your blog

Italy is Awesome, BUT Florence Fn Sucks.

For those paying attention to this shit I mentioned that there where Two pertinent points from a recent trip to Italy that I would Post about. I’m not writing a Travel Blog here (not in the fucking least), and I don’t work for fucking National Geographic either so there You go.

In the First Post Tilted “Marijuana: Whats Going On In Italy” was addressing Italy’s stance and legality of Marijuana. For those who didn’t read it by chance in summation: It Sucks plain and simple.

The following Post is the Second Point I’d like to make regarding Italy.

Now I feel it is of utter importance to make it ABUNDANTLY clear that I am in NO WAY talking shit about Italy. So what if Their stance on Marijuana Sucks Their far from alone so can’t fault Them there. Also if ONE City bites the Big One You can’t fault the ENTIRE fucking COUNTRY because of it thats fucking ignorant as a motherfucker.

It is true Italy is full of Cities/Towns that revel in Medieval Majesty in spades and that putting it lightly. One day a Member of Our or Clan wanted to take a Road Trip to Florence because its the Home of Michelangelo’s David among other amazing things to see/do.

We all agreed, loaded up, and got the car caravan rolling down the narrow and winding mountain roads towards the City of Florence Our hopes held high. They just weren’t high enough as it turned out.

For the record the ACTUAL CITY of Florence is Beautiful as well as draped in History. And The City is home to many wonderful Works of Art. It’s only once Your parked, and walking the streets that You begin to see what MAKES spending time in Florence inevitably Suck Serious Ass.

In Florence the Biggest Unwanted Hassles come from Three different Groups of Street Hustlers. I will be listening them in Order from the Lesser of Three Evils to the Worst of the Worst.

And Away We GO…….

The least Offensive of the Three aforementioned Groups are the Homeless looking Pan Handlers/Beggars.

Now Plenty of People in America bitch and whine about how Beggars are a bother being Dirty looking and depressing. Basically these People find Beggars to simply be what They consider a Living Human Eyesore.

All in all though the American Beggars to Their credit remain stationary having posted up in a particular spot, and are quietly subservient showing the shame They feel for being in Their unfortunate situation.

This is NOT the case in Florence. For starters Beggars there roam the streets constantly on the move pacing all over the fucking City. That though isn’t the real problem.

The real problem is Their aggressive in Your face style of asking for spare change. They will walk right up in your personal space and then shove some shitty paper cup in your face. At this point the stare blankly into your eyes and shake the cup jingling the small amount of change at the bottom.

I believe the fact that Florence is full of Visitors from around the Globe the Beggars use the Language Barrier to Their advantage. It affords Them the Luxury of Lingering longer.

The final Tactic They employ is just that Lingering. No matter how many times you tell them No They remain fixed in front of You refusing to accept Your answer.

Also I noticed that like with the Police when You’re dealing with one another one seems to always show up as well. I’m not sure what the second Beggars strategy is exactly, but its one of the following.

Its either They are using Their presence to up the pressure for the Mark to just give up and give them some money just to fuck off out of Their faces.

It could also be that They like attracted to the commotion like a Shark to a Feeding Frenzy, and just shows up out of instinct looking for an easy score. Perhaps its just that They think the primary Beggar has found a generous party, and wants a piece of the generosity.

The only saving grace is Pan Handling is illegal in Florence which is why the Beggars stay on the move to avoid the Police Foot Patrols (as well as every other fucking Cop). This means while Their tactics are bullshit They ironically can’t afford to hang around too long before having to keep moving to avoid arrest.

The Second Group of Hustlers have far more flair to Their Song and Dance Scheme. They are extremely friendly, energetic, outgoing, and quick with a smile. They will approach You introduce Themselves, and instantly strike up a friendly conversation generally over the typical bullshit. They ask where your from, how you like Italy/Florence, whats your home country is like, and so on.

Once the conversation is in full fucking swing They make Their play. Without even mentioning it or bringing an ounce of attention to it They will inadvertently hand You some sort of cheap ticket like a Bumble Machine Bracelet or some other shit, and Then after a bit more lip service They ask You to Pay Them for whatever completely ridiculous trinket They handed You just moments ago.

Thats fucking insane. Thats the equivalent of Me going into a Clothing Store and walking straight up to the counter. Then the Clerk hands Me whatever is laying around in Lost and Found and charges Me for it. It’s nothing I want or need it’s something I wouldn’t let My Kid waste Their money on, but The Store just assumes I’ll to buy it.

Once the Jig is Up like the Beggars these Hustlers throw Their hands up, step away from You, and basically refuse to take it back, BUT through it all They still expect You to Pay Them for it.

You virtually drop whatever cheap piece of shit They handed You on the fucking ground before They will collect Their crap and piss off elsewhere.

The Final Group of Offenders are the absolute fucking WORST OF THE WORST, and that Group would be The Gypsies.

For clarification purposes Gypsies are NOT the Withered Old Crones who place Curses on People in Horror Movies. Nor are the the Magical and Mystical Fortune Tellers like in Disney fucking Cartoons.

I was some what aware that Gypsies had a rather Shady, and rather Shitty reputation in Europe apparently it seemed.

In Europe They are essentially considered Nomadic Con Artists. Gypsies for the most part Travel around the Country Scamming and Cheating the People the encounter along the way.

They are also looked down upon as petty small time Thieves who deal in such things as Games of Chance or Pick Pocketing.

Bottom Line: They are NOT to be trusted EVER.

With that said on with the Story.

In Florence roaming around in the Streets there are in fact authentic Gypsies. They have a rather unconventional and slightly confusing Scam You see.

It’s significant I believe to note at this point that NONE of these Gypsy Street Scam Arist’s are/were Men.

The Scam is as Absurd as it is ridiculous. The Gypsies cake Their faces with some sort of what looks to be lead based face paint. Now there are no other markings like the black eyeliner accents seen with Mimes or Added color like with Clown Aesthetics.

The clothes they dress up in are by far the lamest outfits or lame fucking attempt at a fucking costume.

They dress very plain with Long Simple Skirts that are so long they damn near hide Their feet from view. They sport these White Billowy Shirts, and These matching white hat like headdresses called Mob Caps. So in the end the affect most resembles a 18th century Peasant who worked as a Servant in some Rich Son of a Bitch’s Kitchen as a Scullery Maid.

What They do is the sneak up behind some Poor Bastard when he’s not paying attention (usually do to a plethora a distractions Florence provides) and suddenly grab ahold of His/Her wrist.

They then without saying a single word (which is exactly like a fucking Mime) the start posing with The Mark is cheesy clique poses such as a Hug While Cheek to Cheek, Kissing You on the Cheek, Holding Your Hand while making some bullshit Puppy Love Face or some stupid shit like that.

They also encourage whoever is with The Mark to take a Photo, and then usually then run the same bullshit routine on Them as well.

And unlike the tools that hang around on the streets of Hollywood in Super Hero Costumes, and shit like that who pose for tips these Gypsy fuckers STRAIT UP DEMAND YOU PAY THEM (though You NEVER solicited Them for any sort of bullshit Song and Dance Photo Opportunity)

This is exactly what happen when Our Clan stopped in a Plaza/Town Square, and for one fucking fleeting second I forgot to put My hand back in my pocket. I was keeping My hands in My pockets to guard My Phone as well as Wallet, but also so they specifically couldn’t be grabbed by The Fucked Up Gypsy Scullery Maid motherfuckers.

My initial instinct was FUCK THEM We didn’t ask Them for jack shit so thus We owe them NOTHING. Also I was simultaneously trying to remember the Italian word for Police since I as mentioned just like with the Beggars what the Gypsies are doing is ILLEGAL.

I just figured if I said Police a few times while getting louder each time it scare the scumbags off. If need be though I have no problem with conflict so if They felt Froggy I’d eat Their fucking Legs.

Well My Wife is much nicer so when the short Gypsy Woman squared up to Her (being a demanding piece of fucking shit), and wanted 20 Euros or about $29 U.S. as payment .

My Wife was well aware that when this bullshit Horse and Pony Show started what the hell it was, and were it would inevitably End. Again being FAR NICER than I ever could be She agreed to 20 Euros.

I wasn’t really fucking happy about that, but its not My job to be happy it’s to Back My Wife’s Plays.

What happened next only lead to further complicate the already awkward as fuck situation that was playing out. My Wife went to retrieve the 20 Euros from Her damn near wallet sized travel purse (or whatever the thing is).

At the same time She was keeping watch for any possible Purse Snatchers or other Petty Thieves, and by sheer shitty luck accidentally pulled out a 50 Euro bill (that had been sitting behind the 20 Euro bill) at the same time.

You probably have already deduced what happened next yeah?! The fucking Gypsy Woman after seeing the fucking 50 now is suddenly now demanding 50 Euros. My Wife put her foot down and told the Bitch that They had agreed on 20 Euro so 20 Euros it was.

Of fucking course the despicable Gypsy Woman sticks to Her Guns, BUT at the same time My Wife was Standing Her Ground. Apparently We had a Stand Off on Our Hands so to speak.

The Gypsy Woman starts getting louder and louder until She is damn near Yelling.We had no idea what she was ranting about because none of us

spoke anything close to fluent Italian. I don’t think that mattered in the least as the whole Scam relies on Pressure and Aggression to extort money.

Meanwhile My Wife is aggressively at this point to take the agreed upon 20 and take a fucking hike. I’m just waiting and watching to be ready for whatever the fuck might happen next as things started to escalate quickly.

The fucking Gypsy Woman is trying to literally get in My Wife’s face while My Wife dodges Her, and has now started waving her arms around in the air like some sort of Asshole. She’s also accelerated Her speech to the point She sounded like some fucking Italian Auctioneer in the middle of a bidding frenzy.

The Other People on in the Plaza (about 25-30) had started to take notice and even stopped to observer the building chaos. This turned into BUT keeping a low profile. The Attention of a growing Crowd called direct attention to the Gypsies who didn’t want to get the attention of the Police.

Finally to everyones fucking relief the Gypsy Woman’s Partner in Crime shows up out of no where like a fucking Ninja, and grabs Her friend by the arm. This does virtually nothing to calm the ongoing conflict as Her friend wasn’t about to drop a goddamn thing.

Her Partner in Crime had started to physically pull Her away from Us, and thank god She was the stronger of the two since Her friend kept ranting and raving to beat the fucking band every goddamn step of the fucking way.

At last the pair of Street Hustling Gypsy Scam Artists had vanished down one of the many dark and rather narrow side streets much like Cockroaches running from the Light.

Before I bring this fucker to an end there are a couple of other things about Florence I feel compelled to mention.

One is Florence has been converted into a MASSIVE Tourist Trap. Due to the Fact Florence draws in a lot of Tourists all the fucking prices for any and everything has been jacked sky high to the point its just a fucking rip off.

Also all the Tourist are so thick and heavy in Florence that your damn about shoulder to shoulder walking in the streets. Its like being at fucking Disney during the years largest Promotion just mobbed as a motherfucker.

The last thing is this. There (I suppose again to to the booming Tourist Trade Florence experiences) WAY TOO FUCKING MANY American Stores. I mean I didn’t travel across the fucking Ocean to go fucking shopping at Hugo Boss, Disney Store or eat at Burger King. Actually this was the one and only time We did in fact see a American Fast Food joint as Fast Food is a virtually alien concept.

All in All Italy is AWESOME as all get out, BUT Florence SUCKS A BAG A DICKS.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Yet Another Reason Not To Visit Mexico

One day my good friend Danka and I were drinking on the stoop of Danka’s house playing the “Most Fucked Up Story Game”. The game is rudimentary and simplistic. The goal is to tell the most fucked up story of the evening thus becoming the winner.

Dana served a short time in the United States Navy before being discharged for being an Alcoholic who was “Derelict of Duty” or some stupidly phrased bullshit statement. You see Danka had a habit of going binge drinking while on shore leave which resulted in a semi concous Danka being dragged to returning to the ship for check in by his fellow soldiers. Finally Danka out did even himself by missing Check In in favor of chilling at some waitresses’s apartment he was hooking up with in Tijuana, eating Captain Crunch cereal, and watching American cartoons in Spanish. Well that was the final straw that broke the preverbal Camal’s back, and the Navy booted Danka instructing him never to return to any branch of the United States Military ever again.

Before being unceremoniously kicked out of the Navy Danka had spent several months down in Tijuana Mexico were he was temporarily stationed for some fucking Navy related reason. While in Tijuana Danka learned some tactics for day to day safety and survival that weren’t taught in the Navy. It was simply how to navigate daily life in Tijuana without running into trouble with Thieves, Drug Dealers, Pimps, Gangs, Cartels, Muggers, Car Jackers, Con Artists, Drug Addicts, Hookers, Ex Convicts, Militias and Corrupt Cops.

Now with the corrupt Cops it was basic Extortion. If a Tourist per say wandered into the wrong neighborhood the Cops would arrest them, and then drive them directly to an ATM. The Police Officers would then demand a bribe of usually $300 U.S., BUT if you refused to pay they would take you to jail on some bullshit trumped up charge. While it goes without saying that Jail fucking sucks, and is one of the last places anyone would want to find themselves especially in a foreign 3rd World Country. Mexican Jails have a foul reputation for being filthy, over crowded, understaffed, Bribing of Guards, Murders, Rapes, and inhumane living conditions for the most part.

This is what happened to Danka’s buddy named Blackburn. Blackburn was on shore leave and had had a few drinks when he wondered off the main fairway into a shitty neighborhood. While desperately trying to find his way back, which was complicated by his intoxication, Blackburn was picked up by a couple of Corrupt Cops looking for a quick pay day. The Cops drove Blackburn to the ATM and demanded payment ($300 U.S. per Officer times 2 for a total of $600 U.S.), and Blackburn told them too fuck off because he wasn’t giving them a single goddamn cent. So the Cops threw Blackburn into the back of the squad car, but instead of taking him to the nearest shithole jail they drove him to a sleazy Dive Bar on the outskirts of the city that featured Nightly Donkey Shows (if you don’t know what a Donkey Show is Google it) The police shoved Blackburn into the dimly lit backroom of the Bar and tied him to a rickety wooden chair. The Police then proceeded to sell Blackburn to the Bar owner for $775 U.S. and then left quickly.

The Bar owner had one of his cronies take Blackburn out back to a Small Barn located next to the Bar. Once there Blackburn was stripped buck naked and tied to a barn post. The Bar Owner’s henchmen then ground up 3 or 4 bottles of Viagra and mix them with a quarter ounce of Crystal Meth. Once the concoction was full mixed together the Side Kicks laced a 32 ounce Corona with it, and then fed it to a Donkey that was penned up in a cramped stall. About 50 minutes later the Donkey had a raging 18 inch erection and was violently kicking the sides of the pen. One of the Cronies then untied Blackburn from the post, and then tied his hands behind his back while the other crony aggressively lassoed the inscenced Donkey. The 3 men and the doped up Donkey then made their way over to the Bar and entered through a side delivery entrance.

The Bar smelled like hot stale beer and body oder mixed with piss. There were a handful of patrons spread out through out the Bar that was so smoky it was like being trapped in a fucking mist or some shit. The Henchman responsible for Blackburn took him over to a worn out Pummel Horse that was held together with Duct Tape. He then bent Blackburn over the Pummel Horse and bound Blackburn’s wrists and ankles together. Next a shitfaced MC comes on a beat 1972 PA System to announce the Nightly Donkey Show is Starting. After a short pause to allow the Bar Patrons time to freshen their drinks and light a smoke the 2nd Henchman dragged the Donkey over fighting it every step of the way. As the Donkey was being brought over the Bar Owner came over to Blackburn and sprayed him with Female Donkey Pheromones and Menstrual Blood to get the deranged drugged up Donkey’s attention. It worked. It worked extremely well. In an instant the Donkey got a whiff of Blackburn and galloped over to him, and mounted Blackburn placing its front legs on Pummel Horse on either side of Blackburn. As soon as the Donkey penetrated Blackburn it went fuck wild, this Donkey wasn’t playing “Just The Tip” with Blackburn he was slamming shaft balls deep in Blackburn’s battered butthole. It took about 17 minutes before the Donkey finally completed and its semen was seeping out of Blackburn’s broken butthole like a garden hose.

Blackburn was about to be loaded into a car and left to die of his injuries in the Desert to die when the a group of American Military Police busted in the front door of the Bar with a vengeance. Blackburn had to be taken out on a fucking stretcher and Medivaced by Helicopter to a Special Surgical Trauma Hospital in Seattle Washington. Blackburn lived after spending the better part of a year in the Hospital where the Surgeons removed just over 8 feet of his intestines, rebuilt his bowls, reconstructed his rectum, and stitched up his sphincter. Blackburn was discharged from the Navy Under Section 8 Status due to his Donkey Rape induced PTSD. He moved home to Shasta South Dakota and lives in his Mom’s basement on permanent disability watching Anime while drooling on himself while playing with his pecker making guttural sounds.

Needless to say there was no fucking way I could top that Tale of Terror in Tijuana so Danka went home that night quite drunk and the most fucked up story winner.

Thanks For Das READ,

Les Sober

HOA’s The Legal Mafia

For those who are lucky enough not to know what the hell an HOA is allow me to explain.

What does HOA stand for?

It stands for Homeowners Association.

The History of HOA’s: HOA’s started very simply. Everyone who has or hasn’t owned a house is aware there is always a neighbor who’s a complete shit, and their house/yard reflects this shitty attitude. You know the house with the over grown lawn, mattress on the porch, car or some major household appliance rusting away in the yard etc. point being their house looks like a true dump. HOA’s used to be a basic agreement amongst the residents of a neighborhood that everyone should maintain their houses and lawns in a proper and respectable manner. If a neighbor’s house started to look shabby then the other residents would address it with the owner to resolve the said situation.

What Happened then to make HOA’s so detestable?

Thats an easy answer what happened was basic human behavior. People have a great knack for taking something simple and good and bastardizing it to death until its complicated and a MASSIVE pain in the ass. Homeowners self policing evolved under the force of human behavior into having HOA boards with Presidents (and vice presidents, treasurers and the like), childish elections, moronic monthly HOA meetings (imagine a town hall meeting where everyone is clinically insane and hopped up on Bath Salts.), idiotic infighting, and bullshit newsletters. Again we learn peoples desire for power makes them act like bastards and if they get a modicum of power it goes straight to their fucking heads, and thats not all by a long shot. The HOA has given themselves the right to dictate such things as what color you can paint your house, the type of front door you can have, if you can fly a flag, when you can water your lawn, demand you replace your roof at their discretion, demand that you paint your house again at their discretion regardless of peoples personal finances (example a new roof cost between $15,000 to $17,000 so most people plan to reroof years ahead of time so they can save up the money needed. Its a real fucker to have some asshole tell you out of the blue that you have to reroof your house immediately or else.)

Can I avoid buying a house without an HOA?

In most cases no unless you want to live in the shitty ghetto at the corner of Crack and Heroin because the neighborhoods are such utter shit no one living there gives a damn about petty shit they just want to stay alive. The other place you can buy a house without an HOA is the middle of the fucking boonies where there so few fucking people no one cares because out in the sticks there houses not neighborhoods.

HOA’s gave themselves the power to demand quarterly payments under the pretense that all the dues collected will go to the betterment of the neighborhood like repaving parking lots, roof repair, and landscaping to name a few. Not only that but if you are in violation of the set rules the HOA can fine you (usually $100) every day until you fix the issue at hand. HOA’s also have the self appointed authority to put a lean on your house if things get batshit crazy outta control as it were.

HOA is Legal Extortion. If I buy a house in a certain neighborhood why should I have to pay them quarterly? Thats a play right out of organized crime’s handbook. You see if a new store opens in a particular Mob family’s territory then the shop owner has to pay “Protection Money”. If a shop owner refuses to pay the Mob will destroy their business, make their (along with friends and family) lives miserable, beat up/ torture the owner, and possibly murder them. All this because of the geographical location alone.

There 2 types of HOA’s The HOA Nazis and The HOA Do Nothings.

The HOA Nazi’s patrol the neighborhood daily looking for infractions of the mandated rules of the HOA. They are brutal and extremely judgmental. They believe they are superior to their neighbors and enforce the rules as forcefully as they can over the smallest infraction. They write nasty fucking letters, set high daily fines for offenders, lecture about “Those Neighbors” (those who didn’t comply) at HOA meetings reminiscent of Adolf Hitler’s speeches in tone and intensity. They are hated and disposed by the rest of their neighborhoods.

The HOA DO Nothings collect they dues BUT don’t use them to improve a damn thing. They do the absolute base minimum and they do that begrudgingly. They are lax on the rules (so you can get away with shit like having 2 dogs when the HOA rules say only one dog not to mention the HOA decides what breed and size of said dog) but theirs a lot more childish drama. At one point my HOA meetings got so emotionally intense the local Police were present to keep order. The bitch about Do Nothing HOA’s is they change their minds more than parents change their new born baby’s diapers. The only fucking thing my current HOA is responsible for is maintaining/ replacing the roofs. Well they just sent me a bullshit letter stating that for the next 7 years they are instituting an ADDITIONAL $500 payment because they are going to replace the roofs. My point is this why the fuck should I pay them an additional $500 when I already pay them quarterly AND THAT MONEY (from the quarterly payment) IS FOR PAYING FOR NEW ROOFS, thus I’m being double billed if you will. There is a SHIT LOAD more infighting amongst the board members resulting in raucous HOA meetings and TONS of bullshit letters because they have much more free time than the HOA Nazi’s.

In Summation HOA’s are fucking unAmerican and operate on the principles of extortion. HOA’s only have power because they gave it to themselves and everyone else instead of calling bullshit bitched about it and then complied. I have no fucking idea why neighborhoods don’t unite and dismantle their HOA’s. HOA’s are comprised off cranky, over opinionated, better than you, mean, depressed, vengeful, nosy, moronic, idiotic assholes who get their rocks off with the power they get being on the HOA board. FUCK EVERY HOA AND EVERY BOARD MEMBER. It’s the fucking American dream to buy your own home, but now with unnecessary HOA policies and institutional horse shit can crap all over your dream, extort money from you, harass you constantly, spy on you, and fine you or even putting a fucking lean on your dream home. The entire HOA system is as corrupt as any government on the fucking planet.

Good News I’m moving in a couple of months to a different state and managed to buy a house WITHOUT AN HOA and I can’t be fucking happier.

HOA should stand for Huge Outrageous Assholes because thats who runs them.