Tag: Facebook

We’ll Make Great Pets? By Spacedog

The first half of my day yesterday was complete garbage. It consisted of sitting in traffic for an hour, getting two different credit cards declined (special shout out to Wawa and Boscovs), sitting in traffic for 2 hours and contemplating peeing my pants because I had a towel to sit on and was on my way home.

As void of intrigue and drama as I tend to be, I chose against peeing myself. This isn’t about pee though. I mean it felt absolutely amazing to do so at that point but that being the highlight of my mediocre day was not quite mediocre enough yet. I decided to do one of the most boring things that the era of the Internet has ever bought upon us. I decided to clean out my e-mail.

Now I have way too many e-mails. I know of 7 different accounts, but there probably exist a multitude of others at very dead sites. AOL, Yahoo, Juno, Hotmail, Myspace. I’d rather not read the ancient e-mails I sent in my 20s or from the dawn of time (the 90s) because well I mostly sit and think who the fuck was that guy.

So I decided to actually open up an e-mail from a random social media site called Hi5. It is not the greatest site but not the worst unless you take into account the people they tell you to speak converse with. I would show my last recommendations but just imagine a cohabitation of meth users, the morbidly obese, and people who look like an attractive young man but sadly the picture is clearly on 1970s quality film.

There is one bizarre thing this site does have. I really have never seen anything quite like it. While Facebook has (or had?) pokes, the gays have their woofs, every site has likes and Myspace has ghosts Hi5 has pets. What is the point of pets? I haven’t the slightest idea. I bought my first pet about six years ago in that time period when Myspace just died and your mom wasn’t quite on Facebook yet.

Every member is up for sale with virtual cash. I don’t know if I started with it or watched a video or two or to earn more but I just started buying cute guys. I wanted a decent amount from each country to diversify I suppose. It was basically just a bunch of clicking and clicking and clicking and I grew tired of it rather quickly.

The entire site as a matter of fact. It is like the Craigslist of social media, an odd blend of when MySpace was legit, old school AOL and creepy guys that lurk in oversized vans. The pet thing made me take the opposite approach though when I got unwanted attention. I would just buy people instead of block them.

And oh I bought them. The straights, the gays, the ladies, I even bought myself a big boned lady with a great big retard smile. I only wasted maybe 2 hours of my life doing this in total of my entire life. I really wonder though what was the point of all of this? I was owned by some lady (or man pretending to be a model, this lady was unreal looking Brazilian goddess). There were many messages of I love you and I love my pets on my page over the past few years which only make me laugh my ass off. I mean I like love and all, who really doesn’t when it comes to it, but this woman took the pet thing all too seriously.

I mean I could message all these pets of mine or meme them to death, but I feel more connected to the people I met on a Greyhound bus 15 years ago, despite not having talked to them in 15 years. I’m clicking on links right now but I am not even really sure why. I could be eating, exercising, masturbating, actually texting more then one person, actually paying attention to my TV or my music which are inexplicably both on for some reason.

I mean I guess it could have been worse. I could have bought only blacks and dreamed of my past life on a plantation but I’m Polish and the only black things we’ve ever owned are prune babkas. I could be a peddler of midgets. This seems like a fantastic type of journey I suppose, except I can’t search for people by height and would probably have to click no about 1,000 times to find one midget let alone an armada of midgets.

I could collect the deformed. I’m pretty sure this would involve way less clicking but since you are the company you keep I would just be the product of looking at ugly people, become incredibly hideous, and 400 pounds while clicking faster then any sized person barring maybe a handful of Korean Starcraft players.

Long story, long… this shit is weird as fuck. In some virtual reality type mall where I could see these people it would be funny to go up and buy people in a window but frankly I’d buy someone naked. So rest assured, I know too will get naked and become one with the night.

If you want to check out these oddities for yourself, head over to hi5.com. Check out the meager selection from the dating pool, the dead accounts, and waste an hour or so buying some pets. I can promise they won’t give you rabies over your connection, but carpal tunnel may be in your future if you happen to be riding the tsunami of boredom.

Its All A Matter Of Perspective

I just bought a new property somewhere in Podunkville East Cackalacki and hired a new contractor (not new per say he’s worked with my family on a myriad of projects, but this is the 1st time he will be working with us) named Rock EnRoll. When I was returning home I texted Rock the following text:

“The side gate by the pond in open”

All that meant was exactly what it said as its only value is face value.

Rock called back in less than 90 seconds and was all worked up talking so fast all I heard was his thick as tar southern accent. I was a tad bit stoned and rather exhausted so I handed the phone to my Wife stating to Rock she was the one who locked the property up.

As it turns out Rock doesn’t text and a rule of thumb is you shouldn’t text Rock. This is because in this small part of the country people keep their fucking cell phones in their pockets out in public (that includes placing their phone on table as if to say, “I swear I won’t check it every 2 fucking seconds to see if I got a text or a fucking FaceBook like for the picture of my goddamn dog in a cowboy hat.”) Now due to this technology differential Rock, among many if not almost all, have no idea or concept on/for interpreting the context of the text. I’ll explain.

Rock received the text, read it and interpreted it as some James Bond 007 super secret 911 code for an emergency AND he needed his help immediately. Why did he draw this conclusion I have truly no idea to be blatantly honest.

I mean when Rock read it did he possible think one or more of the following issues was at hand:

  1. My Wife or I had had a severe and most likely life threatening accident.
  2. There were hostile renegade poachers attacking from the cover of the woods.
  3. A Home Invasion was going down complete with guys in ski masks and machine guns
  4. My Wife and I were battling insane Moonshiner’s over still site(s)
  5. Ali Baba and his 40 thieves were attempting to steal shit.
  6. Wife and I were being “TAKEN” by Liam Neeson.
  7. Wife and I were being abducted by Aliens.
  8. Viciously rabid woodland creatures were surrounding my Wife and I.
  9. The house was engulfed in flame and my Wife and I were stuck upstairs.
  10. My Wife, The House and I were being swallowed up by a sinister sink hole.
  11. Leatherface was running at us with his  Chainsaw revving up like a fighter jet engine.
  12. The Hills Have Eyes.
  13. Cannibals were trying to kill us and turn us into BBQ.
  14. Bigfoot was real and holding us hostage.
  15. My Wife and I were in fact secret agents for the CIA and were being targeted by either the drug cartels, mafias, gangs, terrorists or foreign evil governments, and needed impromptu assistancte/help.

That though is only the first part, the second being the gate open part. If we were in fact in immediate danger of some sort why the hell didn’t we say so?! You’d think in an emergency we’d texted “HELP!”, “HELP US”, “911 EMERGENCY!”, “ACCIDENT! Need Help” or “Come Quick we’re in life threatening danger!!” but I didn’t text anything remotely like that that could be misinterpreted or at least that what I thought when I sent the text.

What about the gate being open?! Did Rock think this message of the gate by the pond is open was code for “Help Us, Come Quick! the side gate is open so you can access the property and swoop in and save us from whatever the hell you think the trouble is!”

Well I will never know how a simple one sentence text was thought to be a coded plea for help in a direly dangerous and potentially violent emergency , BUT I did learned my lesson, NO MORE TEXTING ROCK.

f-yourblog Readers Lend Me Your Eyes

First I would like to personally thank all the readers for the kind comments, compliments,  enthusiasm and support, I truly do appreciate it. I am just sorry that due to a recent and RESOLVED technical issue the current comment section were lost.

While there is a handful of readers who find the time and attention put into each and every article, and I am also fully aware that the quite timely posting of new articles can irritate some readers as well. So I will do my best to help explain my slightly lengthy writing process and give the official f-yourblog mission statement.

f-yourblog’s Mission Statement is as follows:

I will put 100% into each and every article or I simply won’t post it.

I will NEVER produce content for contents sake.

I fully believe my readers are much smarter then the average individual and because of this I will NEVER force feed my readers meaningless,bland,boring,generic,mindless or vacantly fickle fluff.

I will be adding Pictures as well as Videos, BUT I must inform you they will only be posted as an intricate part of the article to add a new aesthetic dimension. You will never see pictures of celebrities, what I ate for lunch or some bullshit top 10 list (example-Top 10 crazy Hollyweird couples of 2000 whatever or top 12 bad haircuts of famous people etc.) Nor will you see mundane videos such as a cat trying to get into a tissue box or some poor schlub getting hit in the balls/getting fucked up doing some asinine stunt. Shit like that is why I abandoned FaceBook several years ago at this point. I have no plans to return to Facebook UNLESS I need too to help promote this site which I realize will more than likely have to be done.

If any reader has a question, inquiry or suggestions and are wondering how to reach me outside the perimeters of this Weblog please refer to the article “Smoke signals don’t cut it anymore” and thanks again for the continued interest.

The Writing Process Explained:

  1. I send 120 to 144 hours thinking about topics and content of the upcoming article.
  2. After I have selected a topic (in all honesty I have a note book with well over 100 future topics) I spend the next 72 to 96 hours mulling the article over in my mind formulating a outline of sorts.
  3. I then I actually write the article which takes around 24 to 36 hours.
  4. I then subject the new article to an insanely intense and rigorous editing process (I have edited a article so seriously that by the time I was done writing it it was in fact an entirely different article) The editing process alone can take 24-48 hours.
  5. After all that if I feel the article is up to f-yourblog’s rather high standards then and ONLY then will I post the article.

NEW DEVELOPMENT here at f-yourblog:

For the 1st and ONLY time I will be bringing in a contributing writer known only as Spacedog. I am doing this for 3 very simple reasons which are the following.

The first being I have been good friends with Spacedog for more years then I can accurately calculate though  its been since High School, and trust me that was several centuries ago.

Second Spacedog and I have had multitudes of late night intoxicated conversations that were so entertaining that first thing when I woke up the next day, we also have been mulling over the idea of starting a podcast, but I digress for now.

The 3rd and final reason is this Self Preservation allow me to explain further. I am not ignorant to the fact especially as the weblog grows,develops and evolves it will be increasingly hard for just one person (and that person being me) can logically and realistically handle alone. I learned this from the cautionary tale of former ECW (Extreme Championship Wrestling) owner the legendary Paul Hayman. Paul tried to solely remain running his organization as it grew and thusly was responsible for every aspect of his company. Paul booked shows and talent, produced their weekly television show, all promotion of ECW and was in charge of merchandising, accounting, venues and much, much more. While this endeavor was admirable it was futile as Paul became  increasing over whelmed (not once asking for help) and the pressure got to be to much ( it got to the point Paul’s health was declining significantly, remember kids STRESS DOES KILL.) and he ended up having to sell the company or close up shop once and for all. To everyones surprise, mine included, Paul sold ECW to the WWE who then ran the company into the ground eventually dismantling ECW all together.

Obviously I don’t want to end up in the same Paul Hayman Boat, BUT at the same time I don’t want a whole group of people trying to influence f-yourblog and generally mucking things up as well as getting in the way. So the only sensible solution was to take on a collaborating partner that way f-yourblog can continue to produce superior content without the aggravation or detriment. I would hate to see f-yourblog close its doors for good and am trying to keep it actively relevant and myself as sane as possible along the way. Spacedog has already sent me a giant gaggle of articles which I will reading and reviewing for content/writing standards that match those here at f-yourblog, and then periodically post them in the upcoming weeks.

Ladies and Gentlemen That is All (for now)

Sincerely,

Less Sober Head Writer and Administrator of f-yourblog.com