Tag: fast food

MAC SABBATH Takes Tribute Band To New Level

Welcome to Today’s FYB Post featuring the Novelty Act MAC SABBATH a Macdonald’s Parody Themed Black Sabbath Tribute Band. Now many of People are Apt to assume Musical Novelty Acts are a Niche Market. When People think about a Niche Musical Acts They think that “Oh so that’s some Weird ass bullshit Band an insanely small number of People actually for some reason find it Entertaining.”, and A Lot of the Time that is the Case but Not Always Mind You. There have been or Currently are Some World Famous Novelty Bands/Acts Starting with the Godfather Weird Al Yankovic then there’s KISS, Gwar, Daft Punk, Slipknot, King Diamond, Alice Cooper, Dead Mouse, Ghost, and Lordi for Example. While MAC SABBTH is No Where that Level of Fame and Fortune They have the Talent and Creativity to do so, Yet being Rich and Famous is Not always the End Goal and Damn Well may not be as Far as MAC SABBATH is Concerned.

First off here’s all the Usual Bullshit. MAC SABBATH was formed in 2014 and is Based Out of Los Angeles, California. MAC SABBATH has Almost Exclusively Toured within the California for almost Their Entire Career. The Band’s MacDonald’s Parody was Aesthetically inspired by Macdonald’s Characters from the Fictional MacDonaldland. The Cast of Characters (such as Mayor McCheese, Hamburger, Ronald MacDonald, and More) were used by the Fast Food Chain for Advertising Campaigns back in the Day when MacDonald’s Catered to Children. I mean let’s fucking face it since MacDonald’s switched Their Target Demographic from Kids to Adults every MacDonald’s looks like a fucking Generic Drab Coffee House bathed in Black and Beige, and Now back to the Post at Hand. The Band Debuted Online with Their Demo Recording “Chicken For The Slaves” which is the Parody of the Song “Children Of The Grave” on March 26, 2014 referring to Their Musial Style as “Drive Thru Metal”.

The Band makes Extreme Attempt to Retain Totally Anonymity behind Their Characters much like the Band Ghost for Example (though Unfortunately some Asshole discovered and Leaked the Lead Singer of Ghost’s Name like a fucktard). The Band Also Refuses to do Any Interviews or Press opting to Use Their Manager Mike Odd (Who is also the Lead Singer of L.A. Hard Rock Band Rosemary’s Goat) as the Band’s Official Spokesperson. Odd for His part continues to Spread/Back MAC SABBATH’s assorted Outlandish Claims pertaining to the Band’s Origin. One such claim made by the Lead Singer Ronald Osbourne is that He is Comes from a Enchanted Forrest in the 1970s where Hamburgers grow on Trees, and that He traveled through the Time-Space Continuum to War the General Public of the Government’s Control in the Food Market. It all started for Odd with a Random Phone Call back in 2013 from a Complete Stranger inviting Odd to meet Them  at a Fast Food Restaurant in the Area. When Odd showed up He was met by Ronald Osbourne in Full Costume and in Character. One of Odd’s Claims is that Since that Initial Meeting has NEVER seen the Band out of Character or Costume which is Serious Dedication in My fucking Opinion. Anyway after a Lengthy Conversation Ronald managed to Convince Odd to become the Band’s Manager based on Odd’s Reputation with Odd’s Band Rosemary’s Billygoat (what the fuck that means exactly beats Me).

In the Early Days of MAC SABBATH exclusively played Secret Shows in Various Restaurant Basements. As I mentioned earlier MAC SABBATH played Extensively and Exclusively in California that was Until June of 2015. In June of 2015 MAC SABBATH were invited to Play the DOWNLOAD Festival in Leicestershire, England along with Several Additional Shows while Across the Pond. The Band dubbed the Shows in England as “British Royals With Cheese Tour” since a Royal With Cheese is the Common name for MacDonald’s Quarter Pounder Hamburger in Countries that unlike America use the Metric System (Anyone Who has seen the Movie Pulp Fiction knows what I’m talking about). MAC SABBATH’s Live Concerts have been described as Multimedia Shows with Video, Various Theatrics, Audience Participation, Sing-a-Longs, Features Fast Food Themed Props consisting of Inflatable Cheeseburgers, Oversized Ketchup and Mustard, BBQ Grill, A Frying Pan, A Demonic Red Eyed Clown Statue, and a Visual Overload of Radiant Primary Colors.

FOOTNOTE: For those Who may be Wondering Yes Ozzy is Well Aware of the Band as His Son Jack Booked Them to Play during the Filming of the Infamous Reality T.V. Show Series The Osbourne’s. Ozzy’s Official Opinion on MAC SABBATH is that He is Mainly Impressed by the “Clownery” and said the Band was “Fun” and “Funny as Fuck”, and even went as Far as to add on the Subject of Fame “If you can’t stand (being Parodied) Don’t fucking do it.”

BAND MEMBERS:

  • Vocals: Ronald Osbourne
  • Guitar: Slayer McCheeze
  • Bass: Grimlice,  aka “I can’t believe it’s not Butler”
  • Drums: The Catburgler, aka The Glamburger, aka “Peter Chris Cut Fries”

ADDITIONAL CHARACTERS:

  • Employee Of The Month
  • The Lizard
  • Fry Guy
  • Mac Tomorrow Morning

VIDEOS:

  • More Ribs
  • Pair-a-Buns
  • Sweet Beef
  • Frying Pan
  • Organic Funeral
  • chicken MORC

 

 

 

 

 

 

It Is What It Is,

Presented By Les Sober

The Missing Member Mystery

Welcome to Today’s FYB Post featuring VHS Medium THE MISSING MEMBER MYSTERY by Content Creator Known as BonFilms. BonFilms is Relatively New Having Joined YouTube on July 12, 2021, has 1.75k Subs, 63,230 Views, and 19 Videos in Total. We then attempted to find Any Information We could on Bonfilms, BUT there is absolutely fucking Nothing.

Synopsis: Fast Food Employees going about Their Daily Lives Until all fucking Hell Breaks Loose and Things get Stranger than Fuck.

NOTE: The Shit Starts to Go Off the Rails at the 3:39 Minute Mark.

The Video Ends with a Letter by Who We have No Idea but Here is the Closing Text in its Entirety:

  • To Charlie
  • You’re Wrong
  • You Know You Are
  • My Brother is a Monster
  • He Killed Me
  • He’s the reason My Head is Missing Parts
  • Everyone pretended like it Didn’t Happen
  • like I don’t exist
  • What makes You Think He’d be Different
  • He’s Nothing but Criminal
  • Please
  • All You are doing is Hurting Us More
  • to Nicole, Lucas, Angie, and Benjamin
  • I’m really Sorry
  • I don’t care if You Hate Me for Saying it
  • But thesis the Truth
  • There is No Way Out, We’re Trapped Forever
  • I’ve accepted it
  • Can’y You just accept it too
  • Please
  • I don’t want to be Alone

It is What it is,

Presented By Les Sober

SCREAMS FROM THE GOLDEN ARCHES

Welcome To Today’s FYB Post featuring SCREAMS FROM THE GOLDEN ARCHES by MeatCanyon. MeatCanyon’s Real Name is Hunter August Hancock better know by His online user name MeatCanyon. Hancock is an American Youtuber, Animator, Voice Actor, Comedian, Writer, and Director who makes Parody Animations of Popular Characters (say Sponge Bob for instance). Some viewers of MeatCanyon’s Animations  have been Described them in just One Single Word “Horrifying”. A common on going gag in Hancock’s video’s is that Something Normal or Mundane gets You Killed or Possible Worse. And SCREAMS FROM THE GOLDEN ARCHES stays True to the MeatCanyon Formula.

Synopsis: The Brutal Origin of The Mysterious McRib is Revealed and It’s Far from Appetizing.

It is what it is,

Presented By Les Sober

Stupid shit I do when I get bored

What sucks so fucking bad about boredom is its boring and is know so by all who have ever existed. The best weapon in the arsenal of entertainment is to just make your own when all else falls flat on its face like your drunk uncle. I like to believe that I have redefined the concept of self entertainment when it comes to the stupid shit I do when I have to combat bored. I’ll let you be the judge. Bring on the list lets see that motherfucker!

The stupid shit I do when I get bored list:

  • Just the other day I had bought a rubber band gun to dissuade our upiity ass new kitten from misbehaving (main offense antagonizing the fuck out of the older house cat). I decided to load the gun with as many rubber bands as I fucking possibly could so I sat there adding one after the other until I had reached maximum capacity. That night as per usual the kitten started acting like a insane idiot and I was engaged in hunting her down to adviser her to cease and desist. Well if you have ever looked for a cat you already know that cats can be elusive motherfuckers when they want to be. Ninjas don’t have shit on cats its a fact so look it up. Anyway I colluded locate her and I have no idea why (it wasn’t fucking premeditated is all) when I passed my wife laying on the couch I yelled “SNATCH SHOT!” and unloaded ever last one of the rubber bands into my wife’s crotch. She had been engrossed in some YouRube video so she was startled as fuck and none too happy.

      

  • This week while keeping my wife company while grocery shopping a boring activity if there ever fucking was one am I right? Yeah I am. Anyways as my wife was selecting a piece of cow meat we would be dinning on that evening I saw a price tag. I don’t even remember what kind of meat it was but if I had to guess it was some pork tenderloin or something similar I suppose. The price was $6.96 and agin for no rhyme or reason I suddenly hauled the hell off and punched the shit out of that pork tenderloin thing. I then picked it up and loudly announced to my fellow shoppers “696 OFFEND MY FAMILY AND INSULTS OUR HONOR!”
  • A Frequent habit I have had for a  extremely long ass time is when I’m out shopping with any doesn’t matter who the hell it is I start sneaking the most fucking random items into the cart when they aren’t looking (like a fucking cat). Then at check out I watch as they unload their shit at check out and discover my additions to their carts one by one intermediately through out the checking out process. You see you have to make sure as shit you dispense the various ass items in at different times and in different parts of the cart to fully drag the awkward confusion out.
  • Once in a while I’ll go to Dick’s sporting goods acting like an unhappy and irate customer with an ax to grind. I then when I encounter the first fucking employee I can demand that I talk to someone with authority. That means I want to talk to the biggest dick there.

   

  • I enjoy tracking down owners of Badcock Furniture Stores and inquiring why they haven’t legally changed their name from Badcock to something more flattering and advantageous. I then give examples such as Bigcock, Hugecock, Monstercock, Giantcock, Bigoldcock, or Giantcock.
  • I once in a blue moon if I’m in a store such as HomeDepot I like to wander over to the appliance section and find dishwashers, refrigerators , washing machines etc. Once I’m there I wait milling around aimlessly until no one is around and then I fart into the particular appliance.  That way hopefully when the next person opens it to check it out it smells like ass inside.
  • When it comes to farting I also enjoy walking down the aisle of a store, stopping momentarily, farting, and walking away to an observation point. So then all I have to do is watch different shopper’s reactions when they walk through it. If they’re alone they’re all “what’s that pungent stench?”or if their with other people “Which one of these people I’m with is farting the place up?”
  • I have the juvenile habit of walking past friends who are sitting so I can fart in their face and ask “So what I have for lunch?!”
  • I tell people from time to time that I’m a doctor and when they ask what kind of doctor I am I tell them I’m a doctor of doctoring. You’d be fucking surprised how many people never question that statement as it sounds like some odd ass medical shit (and we all know how odd medical shit so lets just fucking admit it).
  • I have over the years also added a second version of the being a doctor of doctoring or more like a definition as it were. I explain that a doctor of doctoring is an extremely elite specialist who only treats other doctors.

  • I have been know to call church’s in the area and ask them why they seem to be having such a hard time finding Jesus.
  • Having some telemarketing experience I will cold call people and ask then to participate in a market research survey. The survey then turns out to be some ridiculous shit like with equally stupid questions. Examples of some such questions: “Have you ever taken part in any kind of spaghetti wrestling, and if yes were the noodles Ramen noodles?!” or “If one in the hand is better than two in the bush how do you feel about this exchange rate?”
  • I am a fan of hassling pescatarians about eating fish. Pescatarians are and I quote “People who do not eat meat, but they do eat fish.” So what the fuck are they classifying fish as? Fish isn’t a fruit, it isn’t a vegetable or dairy product so what the fuck do they mean?! Fish are living, breathing, breeding creatures with a natural life cycle so if they aren’t meat WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY THEN?!!
  • I get a kick out of sending take out food from one restaurant and have it delivered to another restaurant. There’s no purpose here other than for fucking laughs. The idea of the confusion and befuddling of staff by sending a Sushi platter to a Mexican restaurant or Indian food to a Italian restaurant is the motivator.

  • I have shit in inappropriate areas like parking lots, public fountains, people’s front lawns or some other common space area. When I’m confronted for my righteous public pooping I explain I was raised by Wild Animals (the animal changes regularly) and that’s how I learned to shit. That or I explain I’m from a poor ass family in Appalachia who lived in a one room shack so we were raised to just shit outside.
  • I used to call 411 and ask irrelevant questions like “Why does my dick look like a pickle its all green and bumpy?!”
  • I have on occasion called PetSmart or PetCo’s grooming department as a possible new client inquiring about their shrives and prices. I then ask them how much would it cost for my Bearded Dragon a haircut.
  • I’ve called random New Yorkers and asked why so they such bad insomnia in Ny since NY is the city that never sleeps?!
  • Occasionally I will go into fast food restaurant restrooms, go into one of the stalls, kneel down (have to make it realistic people!), and start making horribly violent vomiting sounds.
  • A couple of times I called Catholic churches pretending to be a Child Abuse/Anti-Pedophilia Charity soliciting donations.
  • I frequently punch packaged meat in grocery stores while yelling “ADRIAN!!”
  • I once called an abortion clinic to inquire about aborting my older brother.
  • I have told (and tried to convince) people I was born I believed myself into existence.

      

  • I like to call Law Firms/ Lawyers and to inquire about filing a restraining order on the grounds of sexual harassment against myself since I’m self employed.
  • I take one of those DNA or Ancestry tests and when the results finally arrive I harass customer service over the fact the test failed to prove my relation to Bigfoot.
  • I enjoy insisting to people that if latin is a dead language than anyone who still uses it (like doctors or lawyers for example) is in fact dead.
  • Several times I have gone to the zoo for the sole purpose of flinging my feces at the monkeys.
  • When bored I indulge in my favorite hobby: Douche Spotting.
  • I have demanded to know from soccer moms why there aren’t any other sports moms like Baseball moms and all that shit?!
  • I once stood outside of a sperm bank offering people going in free samples of my sperm.
  • A few times I have gone to sex anonymous meeting and handed out condoms, lube, and Lithuanian Viagra.

    

  • One of my personal favorite things to do when I get bored is probably the easiest (and shall well say “less objectionable” selections on this list). Step One  I briskly walk up to strangers with my hand up with pointer finger fully extended. Step 2 When I reach then I look in their eyes and squint as if I recognize them, but can’t remember their name. Step 3 I open my mouth as if I’m about to say something. Step 4 abruptly I close my mouth, look away, lower my hand, and briskly walk off. Now some people may be tempted to add an addition intro phrase such as “Excuse Me….” or “I just noticed….” this is fucking stupid because the point is too leave the person confused as fuck. Once you have walked off you want the said person to wonder who you were and more over what the hell were you about to say to them. The addition of words defeats the point so yeah there’s that.
  • I tend to when I get bored go to a local food store or grocery and create a godawful fucking scene by openly debating (to the point of rage) what the difference is between a Burrito and a Chimichanga is.
  • I get a kick out of telling fellow bar patrons that my favorite specialty drink I ever had was The Pale of Champale at_____ (Insert fictional place of choice), and then explain it’s a pale like you’d see at your garden variety hardware store filled to the brim with Champale.
  • Once in a while when I get bored I make a scene in public trying to literally kiss my own ass goodbye after just receiving some serious bad news from my doctor.

  • Quite often I go to my local gym and sit around eating the most unhealthy fatty food that couldn’t possible have another calorie added to it. When the gym rats and regulars get all bent out of shape about it. When they approach me about why I’m there I can tell them I’m an amateur sumo wrestler, and that I’m in training for the next Olympics because if I win a medal I can go pro.
  • Once many moons ago when I got bored I poured a shot of some rank cheap as bottom barrel bourbon, gargled with it, and then spit it out. I them poured beer into my hand and rubbed it through my hair and beard. Then for good measure I dribbled some beer down the front of my shirt. Next I drove around town until I saw a cop at which point I start to drive erratically until they pull me over. They get one wife of the booze and yank my ass out of the car for a sobriety test which I pass with flying fucking colors mind you. The cop will gets twisted because he/she can’t understand what the hell is happening. They will inevitable ask why you wreck of alcohol but are as sober as a goddamn judge. That when I replied “Well I’m tonight’s designated distraction.” WARNING: if the cop is an unforgiving prick you can be ticked or even taken into custody for this SO DO NOT TRY THIS ANYWHERE AT ANYTIME. THERE I LEGALLY COVERED MY ASS!

 

  • I call an import/export company and export some random shit. Then I call back the next day and hire them to specifically import everyone of the exports I sent out the pervious day.
  • I have been known when I get bored to call local businesses (especially malls) who have signs stating that pets aren’t allowed accept for seeing eye dogs, and ask them who the signs are for?! I then point out that the blind person in question can’t see nor read the sign because they are fucking blind. Meanwhile the seeing eye dog can’t read the sign so maybe a fucking sign falls a little fucking short of effective.
  • I make up absurd historical facts and attempt to convince them its true. For example the crock pot was derived from the ancient crotch pot. The crotch pot was a small clay jar that people kept between their legs for 12 -16 hours to heat the food contained within. To sell this one you can site the fact that Ancient Mongolian Warriors would take a piece of raw meat, stick it between the horse and the saddle to “cook” it. Then just google it and use it as an example of primitive cooking methods.
  • I hangout at local dog parks posing as a parks department employee who has been hired by the city to scoop the dog poop at the dog park. The reason the position was created was due to the increasing incidents of people getting in fist fights with other dog owners who use the park, but don’t pick up after their fucking dog. After I explain the position I then inform whomever I’m speaking with that while I’m a official  parks employee I work for tips due to department budget cuts.

 

  • If I get bored on vacation I just load up a bunch of scuba diving gear and other aquatic gadgets and head to the nearest lake. I then get in the water and start to act like a bonafide lunatic setting ups ll kinds of weird camera apparatus and drawing a lot of attention. That way when the people around me work up the courage/nerve to inquire as to what the hell I’m up to I tell them I’m hunting the Lock Ness Monster. When they point out that I’m not at Loch Ness the lake where the Loch Ness monster is alleged to reside I claim that the Loch Ness Monster has a distinct migratory pattern. It uses this unique migration  pattern to migrate from lake to lake around the world to avoid detection. This is why no one has been able to find or present any evidence of the Loch Ness monster’s existence.
  • I am found of logging onto dating websites so I can brag that I’m depended from a long historical line of bathroom attendants.

I think that’s enough for now so…

See you later,

by Justine Sane  

The French Fry Fiasco

While We were Living in the Great Southern Swamp We owned a French and an English Bulldog Both of Which Were Rehomes. Wally the Male English Bulldog’s Original Family realized while They Loved Him They simply Didn’t have Enough Time to Care for Him. The French Bulldog was a Recently Retired Show Dog and Champion, and Her Mom (who breed French Bulldogs in Addition to The Dog Show Shit) was getting Out of the French Bulldog Breeding Game to go Back to Breeding Boxers.

These Two  Bulldogs just so Happened to be Two of the Coolest Dogs We have had the Pleasure of Sharing Our Lives With. I fucking Hate People who say “Owned” when it comes to an Animal because its fucking Demeaning. It’s a fucking Living Creature it is Not the Equivalent of a TV or some shit. The Situation behind Pet classification is fucking Stupid as Pets are in the Eyes of the Law Property exactly like a Sofa or Video Game System. That is Absolutely and Totally fucking Ridiculous on Every Level.

One Night in Particular I was Home Alone Drinking One Too Many Beers, and Bullshitting with Some Buddies on the Phone. When My Wife got Home from Work (around 10:30 pm or so) She had Missed Dinner, and I had been so Wrapped Up in Fucking Around I hadn’t Eaten Either. So My Wife went Out to Score Some Fast Food Bullshit for Us God Bless her because I would have been Pissed if I was Her. I mean She got off work Late after something like a 14 Hour Shift only to Find Her Husband Drunk, Giddy, and with Nothing whatsoever for Dinner. Not exactly the thing Anyone would be thrilled to come Home to After a Brutally Long Day on the Job. While My Wife was Out retrieving Our Dinner I finished My Last beer, and Decided to Roll Up a Joint for After Diner. I rolled up the Joint and Placed it Next to My Pack of Cigarettes (Yes I was a Smoker, Key Word being Was since I quite Several Years Ago) on Our Coffee Table and Played with the Dogs Until My Wife Returned.

              

Now I had a Bad Habit as a Pet Owner of Sharing Any French Fries I had with the Bulldogs Who Thought it was a Fabulous Thing for Me to Do. Also When I had Been Drinking (which I honestly did way too much of at that Point in My Life) I tended to Throw the French Fries on the Floor in Front of the Dogs. I opted for this Method because it was Much Easier to Throw the Fries on the Floor Rather than Handing The Dogs Every Single fucking Fry. I would tend to Get Overly Enthusiastic during what I referred to a Fry Feeding Frenzies and Would Toss Several Frys at one Time. That Night was No Acceptation by any means as I Happily Threw Virtual Handfuls of Frys to the Dogs. As the Fry Count diminished I resorted to Tossing a Single Fry each time to the Dogs instead of Blanketing the Entire Living Room Floor with a Bounty of Frys.

Once We had Finished Dinner My Wife went to take a Shower to Relax and Unwind after a Tough Day at Work. I threw the Fast Food Trash away and strolled back into the Living Room with a Full Stomach and an Alcohol Drenched Liver. I plopped Down on the Couch in My Usual Spot, Stretched, Sighed, and decided to Watch The Canadian Television Show Trailer Park Boys on Netflix (Heres a Tip: Watching The Trailer Park Boys Intoxicated is a fucking Fun Time if I ever had One). A Few Moments into the Show I remembered that I had Prepared a Joint for an After Dinner at which Point I was Very Happy with Myself. That was Until I went to get the Joint and Realized it Wasn’t Were I Left It. Now having racked up an Insane Amount of Hours Intoxication I had learned along the Way to Expect shit like this to Happen. I then began My search for the Wayward Weed by first Looking to See if I put in My Cigarette Pack to Keep it Safe during Dinner. Unfortunately for Me it wasn’t, But I knew that in these cases Whatever I may be trying to Locate it won’t be in the First Spot I look.

                  

I then Proceeded to See if it had Rolled around and was Lost in the Chaotic Chaos of the Coffee Table. I sifted through Beer Caps, Ashtrays, Magazines, Game Controllers, and Other Debris that had Collected upon the Table during the Events of the Day. Still the Joint Eluded  Me at Every Turn. I then I scanned the Floor Around where I was Sitting to See if it had just Rolled Off the Table onto the Floor. After assessing the Joint had not Rolled off the Table onto the Floor where I could have Spotted it with Ease I moved on to the Next Portion of My Search for the Missing Sativa. I got down on all Fours (Ironically like a Dog) on the Floor and ran My Hand Under the Edge of the Large L Shaped Couch. Again I came up Empty Handed as it was apparent that the Joint had not Rolled onto the Floor and then Under the Couch.

I then took a Moment to Collect My Scattered Thoughts and Again Scanned the Immediate Area trying to Figure Out where the Damned Joint had gotten off to. As I sat there I noticed That Wally was sitting on the floor directly to My left and Dozy Directly to My Right. The Gears of My Muddled Mind began to Turn as I started to Put the Pieces of the Puzzle Together at Last. All of a Sudden I had a Moment of Clarity and Instantly it became Crystal fucking Clear to Me what Had Transpired. In the Hectic Hubbub of Dinner I had Mistakenly Picked Up the Joint Thinking at the Time it was Just Another French Fry in the Mix. It had become Painfully Obvious that the Case of Mistaken Identity had Resulted in Me Tossing the Joint instead of a The Standard French Fry. I searched Everywhere once again to make Sure beyond a Reason of a Doubt that’s What I had Did, and thats Exactly what I had  Done.

I wasn’t Upset about Losing the Joint, but I also wasn’t sure what Effect it might have on whichever Dog ate it. Once My Wife was out of the Shower and Dressed She returned to the Living Room, and Upon seeing the look on My Face (One of Guilt mixed with Drunken Disorientation) asked What Happened. I immediately launched into a Diatribe about the Mistaken Fry Deal which Ended up with Me Babbling in Circles like a Drunk Dog Chasing its Tail. My Wife didn’t freak out which I took as a Very fucking good Sign so I stopped Holding My Breath and Waited to Her what She had to Say on the Subject at Hand. My Wife Wasn’t Worried or Too Concerned, But Erring on the Side of Caution and Believing in Safety First instructed Me that We needed to Keep an Eye on the Dogs just in Case. Since My Wife and I were both Vet Tech for Over 10 Years Apiece We were Confident We could Handle this Mishap without Further Complication.

Now while this seems as Simple a Task as They Come there Certain Traits in Bulldogs that made it Impossible to Discern Who ate The Joint. First Off They are by Nature  Lazy as Fuck to the Point People Joke that They tend to Look Stoned Normally. So Acting Slow and Dopey is just the way Your Average Bulldog’s Behaves in General. Secondly Bulldogs are Natural Born Gluttons so Using the Munchie Factor as an Indicator was also Null and Void. Bulldogs Think with Their Bellies, and Would Actually Eat Themselves to Death if given the Chance. The Bottomline here is there was No Accurate Way of Telling Who ate the Joint because Bulldogs Naturally Exhibit the Symptoms Associated with being Stoned. In the End the Dogs were Fine as if Nothing had Happened, and I made sure as Shit to Insure Nothing like that Happened Ever Again.

Thanks For Reading,

By Les Sober    (Pt1234am)

Tidbits For Shits and Giggles: Pete The Meat Puppet

Pete The Meat Puppet is the Equivalent of The Bastard Love Child  of Pinocchio and Howdy Doody having a Seriously Brutal Acid Trip in Vegan Hell (where He’s made Entirely of Meat and Rules as the Vegan Dietary Anti-Christ) Set to Music.

Pete is Built out of Various Types of Meat Scraps by a Female Butcher who isn’t Married, and has a Womb as Welcoming as Death Valley. After Nursing Pete comes Alive unfortunately the Surprise makes His Mother’s Heart Explode like a Overfilled Water Ballon Killing Her almost Instantly. Pete’s Mother has just enough Time to Utter Her last Words “Pete find the Meaning of Life…..” before Shuffling off this Mortal Coil .

Honoring His Mother’s Dying Wish Pete sets Out into the World to Discover the Meaning of Life. Pete starts Off His Adventure Scrubbing SHitty Toilets at a Fast Food Burger Chain, but He Quickly Climbs the Corporate Ladder To Unparalleled Fame and Fortune. Pete ends up Living in the Lap of Luxury with His Trophy Wife, and 3 Kids in a Brand New McMansion surrounded by His Lavish Lifestyle.

Then Pete starts to Party and Falls Down The Slippery Slope of Alcoholism, Cocaine Addiction, and Hookers culminating in Pete’s Lurid Sex Tape being Leaked. The Drug Fueled Sex Tape Scandal leaves Pete Broke, Homeless, and Alone. Having Had it All and Lost It Pete is Forced to Resort to Prostitution just to Feed Himself and His Vicious Addiction.

Finally Pete hits Rock Bottom and Eats His Own Leg to Satiate Starvation. Pete redeems Himself and Becomes a Friendly Singing/Guitar Playing Hobo riding the Rails from Town to Town still looking for the Meaning of Life.

Enjoy.

Thanks For Watching,

  Presented By Les Sober (A12:32M)

FYB’S Friday Night Cult Classic Movie: BAD TASTE

FYB couldn’t be Happier to Present The 1987 Cult Science Fiction Comedy Horror Splatter Movie Classic BAD TASTE by Peter Jackson!!!

That’s Right Readers before He was The Lord of the Rings Peter Jackson made B-Horror Movies, and Arguably the Most Iconic being BAD TASTE (Though there are Those who would Argue DEAD ALIVE is the Most Iconic of Jackson’s Earlier B Horror Films). Peter Jackson Directed, Wrote, Produced, Photographed, Co-Edited, AND Co -Stared in BAD TASTE as Well as Creating Most of the Special Effects and Make-Up.

           

Plot Summery: The Astro Investigation and Defense Service (AIDS) send Four Agents (Derek, Frank, Ozzy, and Barry) to Investigate the Disappearance of the ENTIRE POPULATION of the Town Kaihoro. The Agents find the Town has been Overrun by MAN-EATING SPACE ALIENS Disguised as Humans sporting Blue Shirts.

The Agents Discover Their FIGHTING FLESH EATING ALIENS. Along the Way The Agents KILL AN ALIEN and Frank Puts on Its Token Blue Shirt to Infiltrate an Alien Meeting! Frank finds out that the Residents of Kaihoro have in fact BEEN HARVESTED for The Alien’s Version of Fast Food. Frank Narrowly makes it out of the Meeting and informs the Other Agents of The Aliens Predatory Plan. The Agents then Embark on a Rescue Mission to Save Giles (Who Collects Money for Charity) Who was Captured By The CARNIVOROUS ALIEN CREATURE that Plan on COOKING AND EATING HIM.

           

At Daybreak The Team tries to Make Their Escape But Are Attacked by The Aliens in an ensuing GUN FIGHT! As The Team leaves with Giles, The ALIEN LEADER LORD CRUMB and His Alien Cohorts Transform into Their True Form and Head Out in Pursuit. After The Team escapes The House, Lord Crumb SHOOTS OZZY in the Leg. Frank Retaliates by Firing a ROCKET LAUNCHER at The Alien Leader, But He Accidentally Misses and Kills a Sheep in a Near by Meadow. Lord Crumb Knocks Out Derek and The House Converts into a HUGE ALIEN SPACESHIP, which Blasts Off into Space with Derek still on Board.

On Board, Derek at Last KILLS LORD CRUMB with a CHAINSAW before Proclaiming into a Phone “I’m Coming to get You Bastards!” Derek Then Dons the Alien Leader’s Skin, Laughing Manically as He Hurtles through Space heading to The Alien Planet.

We Hope You Enjoyed Peter Jackson’s Astro Zombie Splatter Spectacular as Much as We Did.

Thanks for Watching,

Presented By Les Sober

Rants and Raves Part 1

My first rant is I am a complete dipshit. I just wrote 2 pages of my infinite wisdom and it got fist fucked by the post new blog button. Ahhh but nothing like a good fist. No you perv a fist full of money with all ben franklins flashing up in this bitch.

Anyway…… back to the parade…..

I love parades. But why isn’t there a freak parade. Or a goth parade? Is there? I want to go. Or a night time parade. No not Mardi Gras, Mardi Gras can kiss my ass. New Orleans is a corrupt slum with a bit of history and bunch of people that speak in accents so thick you can’t understand their English. And Bourbon Street outside of Mardi Gras is middle aged and full of panhandlers. SUCKY!!!!

   

Have you ever seen a wench, a troll, or a peasant? Have you ever frequented an establishment that just made you want to projectile vomit? Then maybe you have been to the Raven in New Hope. Even without my full afro of hair that once was, the Raven still can make a 31 year old like me feel like when I went to piss there at 17. The age then was 40ish and now well they are 14 years older, which in the gay world signifies, “How are you still alive?”

Dead people are okay. I always want to be one. But more like living dead girl. I love Rob Zombie.

   

Yet I don’t like Monday. I don’t particularly like Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday or Friday either. Or the weekends. I do like 4am. Favorite time of the day. Everyone is asleep, I eat my dinner, the roads are empty. The lushes have gone to bed or are off in some ditch and the workers bees haven’t woke up yet.

I miss being a lush. I don’t particularly miss being a worker bee.

So I miss drinking but don’t. The solution: Adopt a lush. Like I send $6 paypal to some out of state lush each month and they take their picture with the cocktail. Sort of like feed the children. What would this be called? Quench a Queer?

   

Ever wished on a star and then the star fell flat out of the sky? Guess that wish was pretty fucked up, eh mate?

Have you ever wandered how many different types of people there are? Well there are three. The ones that are beautiful, the ones that were beautiful and the ones that will NEVER see beauty. This applies to inner and outer beauty.

If you need to ask what those mean then you are stupid. Most people are stupid but at least you aren’t all that stupid reading this now, are you? You are literate but you may still be stupid. I am a lecherous lunatic from your lactating lagoon inside your loquacious legacy. IF you don’t comprehenday then you just might be a Redneck.

   

Zealots and Zionists worry not I’m not Jewish. I’m a Recovering Christian. And Christians don’t worry. I doth not breaketh your commandments. Although that doesn’t mean I won’t take your husband, but your wife is safe at least.

Tea bagging is not just an attitude. It is a way of life.

Don’t you wish there was a fast food restaurant where you didn’t even have to stop the car. Oh wait that’s called ripping off a dumb ass drug dealer.

Your mind is never really working as functionally as you would like to think. Your seeds of failure outweigh your seeds of success but if you keep going you may have a secret garden eventually. Don’t forget to trim the bushes.

Women who own a strap-on are five times more likely then women without one to cheat on their spouse/partner. The same also applies to women with mullets.

You need to look in the mirror. Smack yourself five times. Spin in three circles and if you are still standing, you might be sober. If you fell over you are not.

Life, what a beautiful choice? It’s not like pro choice people are shouting out, “Death, what a beautiful choice!!!!”. That would be much more fun to shout to someone who is suicidal and indecisive and not so good at finishing jobs off.

I talk too much. I know this. People know this. Everybody knows this. But why fix the train when it ain’t broke…..

In closing the fat suit is coming off. So all you haters can kiss my white ass soon enough.

Love me.

  By Spacedog

“I’m Missing Two Legs.”

The other night on the way home from the grocery store (where My Wife and I had gone specifically to get shit for dinner) got lazy and went the Fast Food Route. We opted for Fried Chicken.

We pulled up to the Drive Thru Menu, and the Drive Thru Girl did the whole whole Hey how the hell are you, How’s the kids, Welcome to this Fast Food joint, and What do you want today bullshit.

We told her that we would like an 8 piece Dinner. The Girl mumbled something I really have no fucking clue what the hell she actually said. Now We could hear all the back round noise of the kitchen and shit so we couldn’t figure out who exactly the Girl was talking to us or a fellow employee. It was quite unclear.

We waited a minute or two and then repeated the original order. The reply we got from the Drive Thru Girl was this one statement:

“I’m missing two legs.”

My Wife and I had no idea what to make of this so my wife asked her to repeat what she had said and again it was “I’m missing two legs.”

 

This miscommunication goes on for just shy of 5 minutes where My Wife keeps attempting to clarify what the fuck this statement turned mantra was all about. The Entire time all the Girl said was I’m missing two legs.”

I was sitting there just as puzzled as my Wife and I started to wonder myself what the whole two legs statement means since the problem was we were missing any and all context.

I began thinking is this Girl handicapped and really wants me to know it for some bizarre reason? Did she just kill her Manager, dismember the Corpse, and now realized as she is bagging up the body that the legs are missing? Did she just suddenly look down and her fucking legs were missing? Was she an Amputee who had misplaced her prosthetic legs at work while sitting and working the Drive Thu?

In the end the explanation is more than anti-climactic.

What the Girl was trying in her own absurd way was this:

By “I” was We as in The Restaurant itself.

By “Missing” She meant Out Of

And By Legs she meant Drumsticks.

so “I’m missing two legs.” translated into “We (the Restaurant) are Out of Drumsticks, Can We make a substitution for you?”

She was also referencing that an 8 piece bucket of said Fried Chicken contains 2 Breasts, 2 Thighs, 2 Wings, and 2 Legs. Which when I thought about it made perfect sense.

What? Oh I know what your thinking and Your thinking well Duh no shit Sherlock.

Well as basic the answer is I had never spent any time (not a single second of my many, many years on this planet) contemplating the exact contents of a 8 piece bucket of Fried fucking Chicken, and the ratio of the various  Chicken’s Parts.

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober

Senior Citizens & The Sex Shop Showdown

One Day I was hanging out with my dear friend The Armenian at his Grandmother’s house drinking Gin and Tonics of all fucking things. For the record I hate Gin, and think the only people on Earth who should drink it are The British Elderly. My personal feelings aside Gin was all We could steal from My Mother’s Liquor Cabinet the previous night.

Once We were dead drunk We wondered around and came upon a Bus Stop so We got on the next Bus that came without regard to where it was actually going. 10 minutes or so later We found out that it went to the local Mall. This was of course AFTER We had gotten OFF the Bus. We stumbled around trying to find a way to get the fuck away from the Mall when We came across a couple of Girls named Ryder and Debs (Short for Debra) sitting outside a Mall exit. They happened to live in the neighboring town of Addison which was cool because We were sick of the girls in our town.  We struck up a conversation, and short story short We became friends with some romantic relationship shit along the way.

It was a slow Sunday when The Armenian and I were doing a lot of nothing when We decided to head over to Addison to do a lot of more nothing with Ryder and Debs. We drove over and picked up Ryder and Debs and proceeded to drive around aimlessly smoking pot and talking shit. This was our favorite time killing pastime as our towns were small and full of Assholes.

Once We succumbed to the so called “Munchies” We stopped at a Local Diner called The Crystal Diner on Route 99. Now Route 99 was the main highway and commercial strip that ran through Addison. It housed everything from Grocery Stores, Fast Food Restaurants, bowling ally, a 2 screen movie theater, a Dunkin Donuts, Clothing Stores, Etc.

The most note worthy thing about Old Route 99 was at the far end running out of town nestled between a Gas Station and a Music store back from the road was a Adult Book Store (AKA Porn Shop). The Porn Shop was a small grey cinder block building with a Blacked out front window and parking in back. The Crystal Diner just so happened to be located across the street a few doors to the right. As We came out of Crystal The Armenian noticed there was quite a commotion going on over at the Porn Shop. This was something that could not and should  be ignored and We headed off words the Porn Shop on foot.

As We got closer We saw that there was a decent sized group (13-15) of Senior Citizens gathered outfronnt of the Porn Shop Entrance. Once We got to the edge of the Porn Shop’s tiny front parking lot We couldn’t believe what We had come across. The Senior Citizen’s were a all female Neighborhood Church Group protesting the Porn Shop in a growing intensity. They were waving signs saying shit like “Sex is for Procreation NOT Recreation”, and shouting “Hell No The Smut Must Go!” while waving their hands in the air.

We stood there smoking cigarettes watching this drama unfold. Finally it was getting old and We were about to go back to the car when the shit hit the fan. 3-4 of the Little Old Ladies bum rushed into the Porn Shop. A minute or so later one of the Little Old Ladies came out and held the entrance door wide open. The next thing anyone knows Sex Toys and Porno Movie DVDs come flying out the door and rain down in the parking lot. This really riled up the other Little Old Ladies into a Senior Insanity driven Frenzy as they started shouting encouragement to the “In Store Invaders” as it were. There’s nothing as absurdly entertaining as watching one Little Old Lady throw a Neon Pink Double Headed Dildo out of a Porn Shop while another Little Old Lady Shouts “Sex Toys are for SINNERS!” or a Little Old Lady picking up a Inflatable fuck doll (that happens to be a fucking Alien, it was like 6’4″, Black Almond Shaped Alien Eyes, “Total Recall” Tits (3), and Purple) and waving it wildly around screaming “Alien Sex Dolls are an Abomination !!!”

 

At last the Police Showed up to disband the Senior’s and We took off post haste as We hated Cops and were Holding a Variety of Substances in our car. To this day I can close my eyes and see the entire ordeal which still makes me laugh my cinical ass off every time without fail my friends.

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober