Tag: fed up

Tidbits For Shits and Giggles: I CAN’T HEAR MYSELF THINK

I never understood what exactly People meant when They said “I really Identified with that Movie/Play/TV Show Etc., and I would Automatically Dismiss The Comment. That was until I saw I CAN’T HEAR MYSELF THINK by Jake Lava, and then in a Moment of Clarity I fully Understood what People Meant on a Personal Level for the First Time.

When I was a Teenager I was rather Introverted due to Some Social Anxieties I have, and was always Referred to as Shy. This didn’t Stop Me from going to School Sporting Events, Dances, Parties, Concerts, or Group Gatherings since there was Next to Nothing to Due in My Shitty Hometown. So to Cope with these Less than Comfortable Situations I took the Cliche “If You Don’t have Anything Nice to Say Then Don’t Saying at All” and Ran with it like a Motherfucker.

              

At these Various Events I would hang back and Watch/Listen to everything going on Around Me, and I then would Mock, Insult, or Shit Talk what I observed or Heard in My Head to pass the Time. Unfortunately this Coping Mechanism had one Odd Side Effect which was I couldn’t help most times Laughing at the Absurdly Violent, Insulting, or Obscene Thoughts I was Having. I know some of You are like What the Fuck Laughter isn’t a fucking Side Effect because Side Effects Suck Like Explosive Diarrhea or Anal Leakage, but Laughing Who complains about that being a so called Side Effect?!

I was well aware that Some Guy standing in the Back Round or Isolating in a Corner Laughing His Ass Off would make Me look Psychotic to say the Least. I modified My Laugh so it was at the Lowest Audible Level so My Laugh was Deeply Guttural that wouldn’t Draw Too Much Attention. Imagine if a Growl fucked a Serious Belly Laugh and had a Kid that’s the Best way I can Describe it Honestly. The Only Issue was that Over Time People did begin to Notice that the Quiet Guy was Laughing to Himself, and it Sounded Very Sinister and most People found it Profoundly Unnerving.

               

Luckily for Me I had a Friend at the Time Named Al that would basically cover for My Bizarre Behavior. Obviously I wasn’t about to Explain the Insulting, Negative, and Obscene Thoughts I was having (about Them or the Situation) that I painted in Overtly Violent imagery on the Canvas of My Mind. Al would politely Interject His Token Explanation which was if Memory Serves Me “Don’t Mind Him He Thinks Something is Entertaining, But He’s Not About to Tell Us.” and This Seemed to Work Flawlessly.

So Sit Back and Enjoy I CAN’T HEAR MYSELF THINK by the Talented Jake Lava.

Thanks For Reading and Watching,

Presented By  Les Sober & FYB

Out of the Bubble, Into The Future

I have come to realize that too often in life I am not the person defining myself. I have far too often let others opinions define me, far too often have lived up to every role and stereotype they have defined for me. I am very tired of this.

I am very tired of the label placed on me as being depressed or being bipolar or as being epileptic. I am tired of being the quiet one, the drunk one, the slut, the alcoholic, the compulsive gambler, the unstable.

I have been all of these, yet I have been none of these. They run in and around and through me again. Still I am not as simple as any label. We label people far too often as to characterize them. For the purposes of public opinion this is a great thing but for society as a whole it truly sucks.

THE BUBBLE

I have been living in this rather unfortunate bubble that I fully put myself in, that I believe I wanted to be in for a very long time. I have let people tell me that I am consistently depressed. Maybe I am. I am not as book smart as I should be and I am not as street smart as many of the things in my life I have done should have made me.

The vast imperfections of the world have made me rather sad. If I thought about everything wrong all the time, well of course I would be sad. I am too educated of a person to not be effected otherwise. When you have had your hand in as many cookies jars as myself, it is only wonder that I have all of fingers remaining.

So there has always been something holding me back. Most of the time myself, but a great deal of the time it is something legally or financially. Now I am on the cusp of freedom and frankly I am very nervous. Not freaking out but very soon I will have the ability to pick where I want to live, to go where I want to go, and to be who I want to be.

I am not sure what town to go to or what city I should somehow surface in or if the people will be nice or if be there at all even. I firmly feel I can do this. I pretty much just showed up in Niagara Falls, NY (of all places) and made friends the first real chance I gave myself. They wanted me to move there and I wanted me to move there but I got myself into a mess by not thinking for myself, not being myself.

I wish it was just as easy as me going back to Niagara Falls and reclaiming what I feel that I somewhat lack in my current surroundings. It’s probably all still here inside of me but this getting 5 hours of sleep a night is not enough for me.

I wish I could just take an Ambien but most sleeping pills cause me to blackout and bring out my inner fat girl. Some of us don’t remember and wake up with a mustache like the Pringles guy, I wake up covered in Pringles.

Anyway I cannot wait to get my license back in PA. I have been talking about soooooo many creative ideas with one of my friends that I am going insane not being able to do anything about them. Well I can do something about them but I’ve done enough dreaming. I am ready to cascade the dreams into action.

Well I believe the zzzzzzs are calling me now. I actually think the wind is calling me as well. Where I fall I know not.

By SpaceDog