Tag: Fine Dining

Millennials, a Bistro, and a Whole Lot of Bullshit.

This Weekend My Wife and I went to see Her Cousin Ave compete in that Weekend’s Auto Races since Ave had become an Adamant Racer several years ago, but this was the First time My Wife and I were able to Attend. After the Race We got the pleasure of meeting His Pit Crew so to Speak as They were Working Their Asses off at the Time, and We were Afforded an Up Close and Personal look at His Race Car. Ave’s Parents Kay and Jay along with Ave’s Wife Steph were there though They didn’t attend a great deal of Ave’s races. This was simply because Watching Ave Race was/is Nerve Wracking to Say the Least for His Mother and His Wife.

After Hanging out for awhile Behind The Scenes We left the Race Track and headed for Our Dinning Destination for the Evening just a short 15 minutes Away called Pompous Bistro and Beer Garden. Since Ave was the one who made the Reservation (and I trust Ave), AND with Beer Garden in the Name I was Highly Optimistic.

You see I rather Eat in than Eat Out honestly since Restaurants can be a Huge fucking Hassle especially if You’re Not a Trend Chasing Hipster Lemming or a fucking Foodie. In Addition I am NOT a Fine Dining Person fucking Period.  I am Reviled by the so called Luxurious Fine Dinning Experience I find it Disgusting all Around and on All Levels. The Whole Arrogant Elitist Pomp and Circumstance feeling, nay believing They are Superior to Others based on Their fucking Bank Accounts. They can Administer Fas Gras Enema’s to Each other for all I fucking Care, but as For Now on the Subject of Alleged Fine Dining I Digress.

           

We pulled up outside and parked on the Street My Wife’s Family had already arrived, and We walked Through a Gate into a Maze like Garden that really was kind of cool. As We walked around a winding trail through the Garden making Our way to the Hostess there were Little outlets a few with Fire Pits, a Couple Lounge Areas, and several Tables Intertwined throughout.  There was so much Vegetation along with an Abundant amount of Flora and Fauna that the Garden had an underlying Jungle feel to it.

At last We reached The Hostess station which was located Outside of the Main Building as it were. I say Building because it was a Mediterranean Style Outside Dinning area where there No Actual Walls there’s just Shades hanging in-between Pillars to Keep the Sun out of Dinners Eyes. I’ve seen this Concept in the Islands of The Great Southern Swamp, and what I have always wondered, and still do is How the hell Do You Keep People from Robbing/Vandalizing the Your Establishment if THERE NO FUCKING WALLS?!

Anyway We meet up with My Wife’s Family Who were Seated already when a Overtly Dramatic Millennial Euro Trash Waitress sauntered lazily up to Our Table. She was Wearing a Sun Dress with a Plunging Neck Line so there was plenty of Opportunities to Show Off Her Collection of Pretentious Tattoos. She had every fucking Cliche in the Book of Hipster Tattoos there was the Traditional Ying Yang, OM Sign, Buddha Statue, Lotus Flower, The Joshua Tree, A Japanese Coy Fish, a Fairy, The Symbol for the Female Sex, an Elaborately Done Peace Sign, and at Least 3 Asian Characters that Adorned Her Arms, Shoulders, and Neck.

          

She Talked as if She was Bored as Fuck and could care facing Less about Us or any Other Customers. As She stood at the head of Or Table with Her head Slightly Tilted to one side, and a Vacant Stare into the Horizon informed Us of the Following. Apparently the Bistro had recently Implemented a New Policy Our Food Would NOT be coming out all Together BUT rather randomly when ever it is or isn’t ready. This concept of Theirs goes against  fucking Common Sense as it Utterly fucking Transforms the Dinning Experience into One Drawn Out 3 Ring Bullshit Culinary Circus.

Going Out to Eat is at the Heart about Spending time and converting with Friends and Family over Food. That is why Real Restaurants rely on Timing as one of the Key Principles/Factors of Service in The Food MUST GO OUT TOGETHER NEVER SEPARATELY. This Provides for the Meal and Social Gatherings Cohesiveness and Efficiency on All Fronts. Bottom Line: No One Likes or Wants to be The Person at the Table that Doesn’t have Their Food Point Blank.

We gave The Euro Trash Hipster Our drink Order and though the Sign claimed this was a Beer Garden it was unlike any fucking Beer Garden I’ve been to Before. Usually a Beer Garden is a Large Banquet Hall lined with Rows of Tables and Benches, and They have a Very Distinct Bavarian (German) Theme to It. There is also Large crowds of Happy Beer Loving Binge Drinkers Hooting and Howling with Laughter in Total Abandon. I say this because when I looked on the Menu There was No Beer List. There was a Wine List and a Cocktail Menu, but again Not a single piece of Literature on the Table pertained to Beer. As I was annoyingly glaring around I noticed a Floor to Ceiling Black Board with the Title “NO CRAP ON TAP” at the Top. Under the Header was a short list of 8 to 10 Craft Beers I was Unfamiliar with, and that was it that was Their Beer Garden Concept.

           

We got Our drinks and about 25 minutes or so a Stereotypical Portland/Seattle/Colorado Millennial Girl sporting a Bright Plad Flannel Shirt, Jeans, and Sneakers arrived at Our table. She gave Us the Specials which I didn’t pay attention to. She then goes into a LONGER DISCLAIMER that Due to the New Policy Our Food would NOT be coming out Together but rather whenever the fuck its ready. I ordered a Bowl of Lobster Mac and Cheese, My Wife Had one of those European Meat and Cheese Samplers, Ave and Steph ordered Tacos, and Kay Ordered the Lobster Mac and Cheese with an additional House Salad, and Jay ordered two Hot dishes I forget what they were.

40 minutes Later the First couple Dishes come out and, Ironically All the Dishes were Hot Dishes while the Salad and Cold Meat and Cheese Plate did Not. Again this makes No fucking sense since Obviously a fucking House Salad and Cold Meat and Cheese Plate should have been first since They were the Easiest to Fix. About half an Hour passes as the next few Items came in a On going Bizarre Fashion. My Wife’s Aunt Kay was Served Her Mac and Cheese 20 Minutes BEFORE Her House Salad was served. Also why the fuck You wouldn’t prepare the Two Orders of Mac and Cheese since I had order it as well at the same Time and serve them accordingly, But I was left in the Lurch as it were.

           

Finally everyone But My Wife and I had not only been Served They had completely finished. And since We had to kill so much fucking time waiting on Our Food that was slowly trickling out of the Kitchen We had exhausted virtually every topic of Conversation. Everyone was Tired from the Days Affairs and having Eaten where Now Succumbing to the Tiredness that comes with Digestion. Then My Wife’s food came to the Table directly followed by Mine. Now My Wife’s Family was being as cool as shit about it it was still apparent They were ready to Head on Home. It didn’t matter unfortunately even though They were being cool You can’t get Your food last and NOT feel fucking rushed, and that sucks since You go out to Enjoy your food and not feel like You have to Eat it fast as fuck since it came out so goddamn late.

The Worst Part was the Perky Flannel Millennial Girl kept popping by Our table periodically, and was trying to be all uplifting and positive TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS to the fact that the Entire Table was slowing becoming fed up with Their Food Service. Honestly if We weren’t having Dinner with My Wife’s Family I would have walked the fuck out as soon as the Euro Trash Millennial made the Initial New Service Policy Statement. And of course I’m trying like a Motherfucker to bite My Tongue and play it cool since I’m with My In laws and Not absolutely Loose My Shit since You couldn’t designed a Restaurant I could have Hated any More Than I fucking Hated Pompous Bistro I fucking assure You. I just kept envisioning snapping and Choke Slamming The Millennial Food Server wearing 1950’s Librarian Black Rim Glasses, and a Wool Knit Hat (so He looked like the Lost Member of Cold Play or some shit) through a fucking Table.

           

At last the Painfully Drawn Out Affair was done accept Now (and I don’t have a fucking clue WHY) Some People at Our Table wanted Dessert. Mind You had some unfinished Business that I had to attend to later that Evening, and it was a 90 minute Drive back to where I needed to be to do so. My Wife saw Me cringe with Contempt and the mention of Dessert reassured Me it was just Ice Cream with a Pastry or something similar So it should be that Bad. I responded by saying that We were dealing with complete culinary idiocy being felt out by a Cliche Cast of Mind Numbing Millennial Trendy Hipster Sons of Bitches.

Seriously it Took an HOUR before a House Salad that had been ordered actually made it to the Table not to Mention Her Cold Meat and Cheese Deal that essentially came out Dead Last. My Point being I had No Faith in these fucking Fools, and Any Possible Good Will had Faded Away Long, Long Ago. I wanted just One thing and one thing Only. I wanted to Leave Immediately at that Point in the Evening. Just under Half an Hour later The 3 Ice Cream Desserts Arrived, We ate Then quickly, Paid, and Left Never to Return.

           

I still Can’t wrap My head around such a Obviously Outrageously Idiotic Service, and No One I have asked Plenty of Whom Have Experience be it Past or Present in the Restaurant Service Industry. All I have come up with is Pompous Bistro was Built as a Monument to The Mundane Millennial Lifestyle where No One makes Plans, Shit Just Happens, and Where People can Lounge Around all Day with No Concerns or Responsibilities. Who cares when Their food comes When They have No Where To Be and Nothing To Do other than Obsess about Social Media, Play Moronic Games on Their Smart Phones, Stream Netflix for 12 Hours StraightBinge Watching Bullshit, Idly fucking around with Apps, and Sitting Around Working on Their Never Going to Happen Screen Play.

Thanks for Reading,

by Les Sober

So The Other Night Like An Asshole………

So the Other Night I My Wife and I went out to Dinner with a Couple of Friends and Associates. We ended up in the City at some Upscale sort of Trendy place named after a fucking Flower. It wasn’t a Michelin Star restaurant Owned by some Pretentious fucking Chef, but it Definitely did have that air of a Fine Dinning Restaurant to it.

The Food was Fine nothing Spectacular, Yet quite Tasty indeed. When the Check came I decided on a Whim like an asshole to Pick Up he Check. Without looking at the Bill I went for My Wallet, and extracted a Credit Card thus crossing the Point of No Return, That’s due to the fact that Everyone at that point had seen Me go for the Check and All so now at this point They all assumed (as would have I) that I was paying the Bill Period End of Story.

     

I finally after backing Myself into a Financial Corner I looked at the Check to see the Total which was around $400 including Tip (and to be fare there was a GREAT Deal of Drinking Involved as Many a Cocktail met Their demise thanks to Our Throats), and immediately had what the professionals would refer to as “Buyers Remorse”. Well aware I had stuck Myself with the fucking Check, and took a minute to Compose Myself.

I called the fucking Waiter over and He came bounding over like a Peppy Cheerleader fucked a Gazelle, and Our Server was the Bastard Offspring of an Inter-special Fuckfest. As I tried not to fucking go blind thanks to Our Servers insanely White Shirt that there was in fact a Problem with Our Bill. He pleasantly asked what the Problem a tad Condescendingly. That was NOT a Smart thing To Do.

   

I decide right then and there that I have fucking had it, and the last fucking thing I need is some Pretentious Shit Stain of a Server working at a Pompous and Over Rated Restaurant giving Me a fucking Attitude. I then told Him I believe the Mistake was that He didn’t bring out Our Entrees to Suck Us Off delivering The World’s Finest Blow Jobs.

I then informed Him that if He was going to fuck Me He could at least have the fucking common goddamn decency to bring a Tube of Lube to the Table along with the motherfucking Check. I let Him know that if I was aware of what the Bill might have been I would have had a lot More to fucking Drink to Soften the fucking Blow thats for fucking sure.

     

ALSO considering a Chunk of the rather Hefty Bill belonged to the Server via His Tip I then suggested perhaps in fact He should Blow All of Us or at Least a Round of Hand Jobs because after this fucking Fiasco We could all use a fucking Happy Ending.

Just had to get that Out of My Head.

Thank for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Absurdia’s Billion Dollar Beer Club Selections

Welcome Dear Customer to Absurdia’s Billion Dollar Beer Club,

Below You will find a unparalleled Selection of Ten of the World’s Most EXPENSIVE BEERS hand picked by our Elite Bartender’s Bartholomew Godfry and Beatrice De Massard.

The Ten Featured Beers are not just some World’s Most Expensive Beers, but are the Only Beers deemed to uphold Our Highest Caliber of Quality.

   

In Our undying Quest to provide only the World’s Most Luxurious Experience here at Absurdia on August 8th 2000 Absurida’s BILLION DOLLAR BEER CLUB was Born. The concept is quite simple indeed.

The First Absurdia Customer to Purchase $1,000,000,000 worth of Our Exclusive Billion Dollar Beer Club Selections will Automatically WIN FREE BEER for Themselves, and One Additional Person at Absurdia FOR LIFE.

The Winner will also receive a SOLID 24 CARAT GOLD BEER MUG (weighing 2,738.4 Grams of 24 Carat Gold Valued at $112,986.35 and COVERED IN 500 ONE CARAT HAND CUT FLAWLESS DIAMONDS (Total Worth of Diamonds $3,659,500)

The Billion Dollar Beer Club Selections:

Sapporo’s Space Barley: $110 for a 6 pack of 12oz Bottles (ABV 6.0%)

Crown Ambassador Reserve: $90 for 750ml Bottle (ABV 10.2%)

Tutankhamen Ale: $75.00 for 500ml Bottle (ABV 6.0%)

Brew dog’s Sink The Bismarck $80.00 for a 375ml Bottle (ABV 41%)

Samuel Adam’s Utopias: $150.00 for a 700ml Bottle (ABV 27%)

Schorschbrau’s Schorsch Bock 57: $275.00 for a 330ml Bottle (ABV 57.5%)

Carlsberg Jacobson Vintage: $400.00 for a 375ml Bottle (ABV 10.5%)

Past Blue Ribbon 1844: $44.00 for 720ml Bottle (ABV 6.0%)

Brew dog’s The End of History: $765.00 for 330ml Bottle (ABV 55%)

 

Nail Brewing’s Antarctic Nail Ale: $800-$1,815 for a 500ml Bottle (ABV 10%)

 

Congratulations are in order for Our Current Billion Dollar Beer Club Leader Tristen Chitterlings III with a current Total of $189,357,044.01

If Absurdia acquires any Future Additional Selections for The Billion Dollar Beer Club they will be Added to the Menu Immediately, and Club Members will be Instantly informed of the New Selection(s) via Twitter.

Until then Just Relax and Enjoy 10 of the FINEST and EXPENSIVE Beer the World has to Offer.

 

Thanks for Reading,

   By Les Sober

Absurdia Menu InTro: Meet Our World Class Staff (Head Executive Chef & Sommelier)

Our Head Exclusive Executive Chef is The World Renowned Chef Jumalallinen Syo known around the Globe for His Innovative and Unconventional Cooking Style.

Syo was born on July 22, 1929 in London England Considered The Culinary Capital of The Northern Hemisphere, and is famed for being the most Important City in The World for Restaurants.

Syo’s Father Chef Guihart Guildersleeve Syo was the number one sought  after Chefs of His Time having earned 47 Michelin Stars over the course of His 47 year Career in The Culinary Arts.

    

Growing Up Syo was only permitted to Read Cook Books, and Traveled Extensively with His Father during His formidable years Studying, Learning, practicing, and honeing His Culinary Craft.

In His Travels Syo experienced The Global Palate, and upon returning Home to England opened His first Restaurant the now Legendary La Hedoniste at the tender age of 18. La Hedoniste (French for Hedonist)  Modeled itself Aesthetically after The Great Banquets of Ancient Egypt,Grease, and Rome with a truly decadent Menu to Match the Ambiance.

    

In the following Years Syo went on to Winning The Following:

The Skanji Od Kuhanja Ward (1939)  The German’s Billig Isst Competition (1942), The Chef of Chefs Contest Title (1950), The Annual Foodie Award (1999-present),  Mongolia’s Minii Iljig Idekh Grand Master Championship held Only Once in a Decade (1980) , The Independent Press Fuck Guy Fieri Award (2015-Present), and the Prestigious Oral Academy’s Ooh La-La Grant for Culinary Creativity (2012).

Syo joined The Absurdia 24 hours after it opened in 1999, and along with His Sous Chef and (4th Cousin Removed) Sir. Chauncey Wellington has been blowing the minds of Food Critics, Fanatics, and Professionals for the past Decadent Decade Elevating Culinary Cuisine to a New Level of Palatable Perfection.

Our Exceptional Sommelier Bebado Iezersana was Born April 1, 1919 at The Highly Revered Pijak VinYard which is considered by Those in the know as The Finest Vineyard in Finland.

As a Child Growing Up Bebado’s Father Afengi Iezersana only allowed Him to Eat the Various Types of Wine Making Grapes. At the young age of 9 Bebado was given His first Glass of Wine a  PIAT Les Boudots 1928 (a Bottle of PIAT Les Boudots runs for 474,000 Euros or Over $500,000 U.S. in Today’s Market.)

At the age of 9 Bebado attended The Elite French Vin Blanc Academy where he spent the next 10 years intensively studying the Various Grapes used in the making of White Wine (such as The Sauvignon, Chardonnay, and Riesling) in excruciating  depth and detail.

Once His 10 year Tutelage ended, Bebado now 19 traveled to the remote Romanum Island,Chuuk, Micronesia to take a Decade long Internship with the reclusive “Wizard of Red Wine” Pierre La Rouge.

Having Mastered all Knowledge of Red Wine making Grapes such as the Merlot or Cabernet Sauvignon for example by age 29 once again Bebado packed up His meager belongings, and continued His Educational Adventures Abroad.

Bebado’s journey then led Him to Johannesburg South Africa in search of the Champagne Prodigy, and World’s Number One Authority on the subject of any and all things Champagne Pezsgos Alom. Under the strict mentoring of Pezsgos Alom Bebado became a Bonafide French Historian who expertise was The History of The Champagne Region in France.

10 Years later Bebado had surpassed Pezsgos Alom who promptly went down into His Grand Wine Cellar, and Drank Himself To Death on some of the World’s Finest and Rarest Champagnes. His last words where:

“I am a Ship, Champagne is My Captain, and The Captain always goes down with the Ship.”

On His way to America Bebado was contacted by Barclay Grande Moccia of the Rose-Blush Institute of Pink Wine. Barclay offered Bebado a Scholarship to Rose-Blush to which Bebado replied that He rather be forced to drink Fortified Wine for the rest of His Life than give a single moment of His time with such Trendy Trash, and that Rose/Blush Wine was a Sin against Dionysus (The Roman God of Wine).

In 1973 Mr. Eddie Osterland was Awarded the First Ever Master Sommelier Certification, and instantly became Bebado’s Idol and personal Hero.

That was Until 1984 when Mr. Fred Dame became the First Person to Pass all Three Parts of the Master Sommelier Examination at Once which is known called Winning The Krug Cup (The 3 Parts are:  Part 1. Theory (Oral Not Written) Part 2. Deductive Tasting of 6 Wines. Part 3. Practical Wine Service.)

More motivated than ever by His New Sommelier Icon Fred Dame Babado recommitted Himself to a Life Long pursuit of Wine Enjoyment and Knowledge. Babado took the Court of Master Sommeliers Introductory Examination January 1, 1985 scoring a Total of 101/100.

Bebado signed up the next day for the Court’s next Examination to become a Certified Sommelier. On January 3, 1985 Bebado aced the Exam with a Record Total Score of 102/100.

Bebado Passed The Court’s Advanced Sommelier Exam (without taking the Recommended 1-2 years of Preparation) on January 4, 1985 with a Total Score of 103/100.

Finally completing His Education and Certification on January 5, 1985 Bebado took The Court’s Master Sommelier Examination Winning the Krug Cup in RECORD TIME OF 51 Minutes and 15 Seconds with a Total Score of 104/100.

Since Passing The Court of Master’s Introductory to Master Sommelier Examinations in under a Week the World was Bebado’s Oyster. Bebado had His pick of the World’s Finest Restaurants like Pretentious Pretentious, and working along side The World’s Top Chef’s such as Chef Willard Z. Dullard.

Bebado made Absurdia His Home on February 5th, 1999, and has been dazzling Our Patron’s Pallets with The Finest Wines, and Food Pairings. The Absurdia is referred to as “The House Bebado Built.”

Thanks for Reading,

 By Les Sober