Tag: France

Found Footage: LOST IN THE CATACOMBS

Welcome internet travelers to this Wednesday’s FYB post that deals with the extreme psychological terror in the found footage originally titled Lost in the Catacombs. The found footage was part of a documentary which most notably aired as a Halloween Special on ABC Family, but the documentary in fact aired in various slightly different versions on Multiple Television networks in the early 2000s. The original film was directed by Francis Freeland and included segments of camcorder footage recorded in the vast and ancient Catacombs of Paris in the early 1990s. The footage was shot by an unknown man whose camera was allegedly discovered years later by an anonymous group of illicit catacomb explorers know as “cataphiles”.  The group of cataphiles found the camera was found caked in dust and covered with mold but none the less still intact, and they claimed the footage on the video tape were both totally terrifying and sadly tragic.

                  

For those who may be unaware the Paris Catacombs are a vast and extensive subterranean labyrinth that was created by building tunnels that connect a series of queries. The limestone from these quarries built Paris as it is known today, and eventually the city expanded to the point where the quarries and connecting quarry tunnel system lay below the busy metropolis. The Catacombs came to be back in the late 18th century (1787 – 1814) when the cemeteries in Paris became so overwhelmed with the dead it led to some serious problems. The over crowding of the cemeteries led to improper burials, open graves, and even unearthed corpses of the deceased, and this caused people living near/around the cemeteries to start contracting infectious diseases. To ease the over crowding and health problems and with tons of empty underground quarries at their disposal the police along with priests devised a morbid solution. They discreetly relocated the skeletal remains from older graves into the abandoned quarries effectively turning them into tombs. In the end the Paris catacombs came to house the remains of 6 to 7 million Parisians through out the estimated 187-200 miles of catacombs that lay below the city of Paris.

Let the insanity ensue………

So what the fuck?!:

While as you may imagine since the original airing(s) of the Lost in the Catacombs the creepy pasta crowd has run wild speculating what caused the unknown man to panic (and what possibly may have been his fate). It’s painfully obvious that the man’s flight or flight survival instinct wasn’t triggered by ghouls, ghosts, malevolent aliens, menacing monsters, malicious Mutants, psychotic madmen, or cannibalistic underground dwellers (C.H.U.Ds). As entertaining as it may be to propose outlandish circumstances to attempt to explain the footage, but these idle flights of fancy are nothing more than intellectual fluff.

The reality is far more disturbing and terror inducing than any imaginary beast or badman could ever hope to be. The brutal truth of the matter is the man started to experience growing anxiety as he realizes he may be in trouble. The Anxiety evolves into full blown panic as he comes to the conclusion that he is in a life or death situation and the life and death are his own. Finally the full blown panic activated the man’s fight or flight survival instinct causing him to completely lose his shit. He has realized at this point that his innocent adventure into the catacombs has gone horribly wrong, and he is now in the absolutely worst case scenario.

                   

The man finds himself now effectively trapped underground in an expansive network of subterranean tunnels and make shift tombs and no way out. He apparently hadn’t thought to bring any sort of discernible supplies such as say food/ water, additional light source, or anything he could use to mark his path as he went in the event he in fact got lost. If the prospect of being trapped alone deep underground with the remains of 6-7 million dead people’s earthly remains, without food or water, blinded by the pitch blackness of the catacombs, confined in the cramped tunnels, and being utterly clueless on how to escape isn’t insanity inducing I don’t know what the fuck is.

Thus the Man’s catacomb adventure wasn’t an adventure at all it was a fatal mistake.

Until our paths cross once again,

Presented By Otto Control 

The News Hasn’t Happened Yet: Andrew Tolvern Is Dead

With all of the Chaotic Bullshit in the Mass Media and Social Media with Lies, Misinformation, and just Plain Fake News getting accurate Information has become increasingly Hard to Find. So We decided Everyone needed a Break from the Psychotic News Cycle, and Here is Some News We All Can Enjoy. This is The News Hasn’t Happened Yet: Andrew Tolvern is Dead by One of Our Absolute Favorite Animators of All Time Mr. David Firth.

For those of You Who do Not Know or May Not Be Aware David Firth is an English Animator, Director, Writer, Musician, Actor, Voice Actor, Video Artist, and Broadcaster of Whom We are a Big Fan of Here at FYB. Several of Firth’s works in Flash Animation, along with Multiple Music Videos and Works of Video Art, have Garnered a Large Followings.

In The Artist’s Own Words:

“Trying to make sense of the news. The news won’t happen. The rotting newscorpse. We make the news. The news exploded. Big bits in a bag of newspiss. Bits of buggery newsy shit that nobody news about. When no one news. No one could nevernews spilling the news it’s a factbomb or truthbomb not lying news newsergate newsbomb often called the dogsmack news witnessing the great news crash clickbait cracknews makes a stink news from the dogpipe. Nothing is happening anywhere ever. There is no news. The news hasn’t happened yet. The news didn’t happen, did it? The news won’t happen, but you’ll forget about old news that never happened as the promise of new news will replace it. Exploding newspiss. This was just my thought process for the title. I thought I’d leave it here. Otherwise it’s just a hidden compost heap in a file on my PC that will never again be accessed.” -David Firth-

Enjoy.

Thanks For Watching,

Presented By Les Sober  

Conversing With a Cannibal

It’s Definitely NO SECRET that We are Big Fans of Vice, and have Posted Several of Their Exceptionally Well Reported Pieces. The First Vice piece We Shared here was “CANNIBAL GENERALS OF LIBERIA”, and just They Other Day We were made Aware of the Following Vice Report “Interview with a Cannibal”. Needless to Say We Loved it (and In Case You haven’t Noticed Cannibalism is a Reoccurring Theme here at FYB) We had To Share it with Our Readers/Audience/Fans. Vice’s “Interview with a Cannibal” is the Story of Issei Sagwa (aka The Celebrity Cannibal) a Real Life MURDERER AND CANNIBAL who Murdered and Cannibalized a Dutch Woman Named Renee Hartevelt in Paris, France in 1981.

           

Not Only did Sagwa Commit MURDER and the Taboo of CANNIBALISM the Story DOESN’T END with Sagwa’s Apprehension by the French Authorities. Sagwa was found to be LEGALLY INSANE by a French Judge and thus Unfit to Stand Trial. The French Judge remanded Sagwa to the Custody of a French Mental Hospital Indefinitely. After approximately Two Years Sagwa was Extradited to His Home Country of Japan where He was found to be Sane, BUT None the Less “EVIL” and placed into a Mental Institution for an Undetermined Amount of Time. On August 12, 1986 Sagwa signed Himself Out of the Mental Institution, and has been A FREE MAN EVER SINCE. After signing Himself Out of the Mental Institution Sagwa Believe It or Not became a MINOR CELEBRITY in Japan, and made Quite a Nice Living (Selling Original Artwork and Being a Published Author of Multiple Titles) through the Public’s Morbid Curiosity pertaining to His Crimes. Enjoy.

We Hope You Enjoyed This Tasty Little Morsel of Cannibalistic Knowledge Straight from the Chef as Much as We did.

 Presented By Les Sober

Questions That Allude Answers

I have recently developed a Minor Obsession. I have always been drawn to and fanatically Interested in Weird Shit. Some of the Weird Shit I am fondest of is Unexplainable Videos that Lack ANY and ALL Context. I Viewer has to make up THEIR OWN MIND (Yes This Requires People to fucking Think for Once instead of Mindless Click Bait) as to What the Fuck the Video is about/Means.

This all Started when I was working on a Creative Writing Piece where the Dark Web played a Major Part as the Staging Area for Countless Acts of Violent Revenge. I have since Shelved said Piece due to its Content being found by Others to be “Yet Unreadable due to Highly Objectionable Content.”

       

I found Myself viewing increasing numbers of Dark Web Videos Pertaining to The Dark Web. I watched Tutorials on How to Access The Dark Web, Navigate the Dark Web, Protect Your Identity & Personal Info while using the Dark Web, Surfing Videos of People exploring the Dark Web, Dark Web Content, Dark Web Rumors.

For Example Red Rooms which is where The Torture and Murder of a Human Being is Streamed Live on The Dark Web. These are Pay-Per-View events allow the Wealthiest Watchers to Bid for Control of the Torturer instructing Him/Her what to do Next (i.e. Stick Hot Pokers in The Vitcim’s Eyes) To this Day no Proof of Red Rooms existing has been found.

The most Helpful, Reliable, and Trusted information were all kinds of Tips from Dark Web Users on How to Safely Navigate The Dark Web, and Find Various Content.

        

One thing that really caught My Attention was when Mindlessly Annoying YouTubers would do “Dark Web Mystery Boxes” which are bought Sight Unseen from Anonymous Sellers on The Dark Web for different amounts of Money (Anywhere from around $50 all the way to $10,000 or More allegedly). NOTE: THE SELLING, BUYING OR POSSESSION OF A ACTUAL DARK WEB MYSTERY BOX IS ILLEGAL AND YOU CAN/WILL BE ARRESTED AND DETAINED BY THE AUTHORITIES.

With that said I found the most interesting and reoccurring item(s) found in these Dark Web Mystery Boxes were are Zip Drives, Sim Cards, and the Laptop Computer Drive deals.

I was fascinated because You had to see if there was any content such as Photos or better yet Videos stored on the Devices, and then see whatever the fuck there was to see. Again these Videos are more than not creepy as fuck I can’t lie. The Creep Factor is already increased because the Camera, Video Camera, Flash Drive etc. came from a Box of Unknown Origin from a Faceless Entity on The Dark Web. Then the Photos or Videos (sometimes but rarely there Auto Clips as well) have NO CONTEXT.

The Viewer is left with Countless Questions that will never be able to be answered. So is the Video of a Lady walking in the Park shot by a Friend or by a Stalker or Serial Killer or was it simple Someone learning how to use a New Tech Device They have recently purchased?! Thats just it be it is it or could it be just some Boringly Normal Everyday bullshit or Some Immensely Menacing Footage.

       

Now Obviously Not All Seriously Insane Videos come from the Dark Web nor are They all Ominous or Creepy. Some are Simple just Mind Bendingly Strange that They linger in Your Head for Days its keeps popping into Your Mind.

To gets These “Questions That Allude Answers” Posts We will be doing from Time to Time Lets Start Slowly. Best We ease into it before We take it FAR BEYOND the Realms of Reality to see what’s Lurking in the Shadows.

I don’t know much about this particular Video as I happened to have just stumbled upon it while I was on hold during a phone call this Morning. Its fairly tame, and makes for a good Transition from Puzzling into The Grimmer Shit thats coming.

Enjoy………

Thanks for Reading/Watching,

  By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (22/365)

Since Lee’s first Day at the Gas Station until Monday since Bob told Him He had to fire a current knucklehead first. And since it was Saturday Lee went back to His car to jump on His phone right quick Google to see what was going on in the Area. As Lee lazily scrolled down the unimpressive List of Weekend Events in and around town one finally caught His eye it was a Show called “The Performance Art Extravaganza” that was playing at a tiny Theater named “The Performance Art Arena”.

Lee found the similarity between the Show’s name, and the Theater’s name lame as hell since there wasn’t any creative though behind either. Lee popped over to The Theater’s website to get further details on the Show. There wasn’t in fact a whole hell of a Lot of available Pertinent Information since the Website looked like a fucking French Avant Guard Student Film. To add insult to injury there were only vague descriptions of the various Events They were hosting that Month.

        

Lee found the Show and clicked on it for specific details pertaining to that Nights performance of whatever the fuck a Performance Art Extravaganza was. The Description was short and seemed to lack a point. All the summation of the Show said was  “A Night of Emotion and Thought as 7 Different Artist preform Their unquietly Personal Art Pieces for an Evening of Intellectual Stimulation and Profoundest of Thoughts”

Lee couldn’t make heads of fucking Tales of the Show’s description so He scrolled down to see Who the Artist/Act Was to see if that might help clarify some semblance of an explanation. The First Act was Titled “I’m Pregnant with Myself” by Lillian Louise followed by “Outhouse Orchestra” By Otto Arse. At that point Lee stopped reading as He was getting No Where at all.

       

Lee figured why the hell not go to See the Show anyway since He didn’t have any plans, and Time to Kill before starting His New Job on Monday. After an aggravating hour in bumper fucking Traffic due to a Horrendous Auto Accident. A Propane Truck had swerved out of its Lane, and side swiped a Bus full of Nuns. Both Vehicles careened off the Road. The Propane Truck ended up Sandwiching the Bus  between It and the cement Safety Barrier. When the Vehicles collided with the Safety Barrier the Propane Truck Exploded on Impact instantly Obliterating everyone involved in the Accident.

Stay Tuned Kiddie for Tomorrow’s Reality Warping Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (23/365)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Absurdia Menu InTro: Meet Our World Class Staff (Head Executive Chef & Sommelier)

Our Head Exclusive Executive Chef is The World Renowned Chef Jumalallinen Syo known around the Globe for His Innovative and Unconventional Cooking Style.

Syo was born on July 22, 1929 in London England Considered The Culinary Capital of The Northern Hemisphere, and is famed for being the most Important City in The World for Restaurants.

Syo’s Father Chef Guihart Guildersleeve Syo was the number one sought  after Chefs of His Time having earned 47 Michelin Stars over the course of His 47 year Career in The Culinary Arts.

    

Growing Up Syo was only permitted to Read Cook Books, and Traveled Extensively with His Father during His formidable years Studying, Learning, practicing, and honeing His Culinary Craft.

In His Travels Syo experienced The Global Palate, and upon returning Home to England opened His first Restaurant the now Legendary La Hedoniste at the tender age of 18. La Hedoniste (French for Hedonist)  Modeled itself Aesthetically after The Great Banquets of Ancient Egypt,Grease, and Rome with a truly decadent Menu to Match the Ambiance.

    

In the following Years Syo went on to Winning The Following:

The Skanji Od Kuhanja Ward (1939)  The German’s Billig Isst Competition (1942), The Chef of Chefs Contest Title (1950), The Annual Foodie Award (1999-present),  Mongolia’s Minii Iljig Idekh Grand Master Championship held Only Once in a Decade (1980) , The Independent Press Fuck Guy Fieri Award (2015-Present), and the Prestigious Oral Academy’s Ooh La-La Grant for Culinary Creativity (2012).

Syo joined The Absurdia 24 hours after it opened in 1999, and along with His Sous Chef and (4th Cousin Removed) Sir. Chauncey Wellington has been blowing the minds of Food Critics, Fanatics, and Professionals for the past Decadent Decade Elevating Culinary Cuisine to a New Level of Palatable Perfection.

Our Exceptional Sommelier Bebado Iezersana was Born April 1, 1919 at The Highly Revered Pijak VinYard which is considered by Those in the know as The Finest Vineyard in Finland.

As a Child Growing Up Bebado’s Father Afengi Iezersana only allowed Him to Eat the Various Types of Wine Making Grapes. At the young age of 9 Bebado was given His first Glass of Wine a  PIAT Les Boudots 1928 (a Bottle of PIAT Les Boudots runs for 474,000 Euros or Over $500,000 U.S. in Today’s Market.)

At the age of 9 Bebado attended The Elite French Vin Blanc Academy where he spent the next 10 years intensively studying the Various Grapes used in the making of White Wine (such as The Sauvignon, Chardonnay, and Riesling) in excruciating  depth and detail.

Once His 10 year Tutelage ended, Bebado now 19 traveled to the remote Romanum Island,Chuuk, Micronesia to take a Decade long Internship with the reclusive “Wizard of Red Wine” Pierre La Rouge.

Having Mastered all Knowledge of Red Wine making Grapes such as the Merlot or Cabernet Sauvignon for example by age 29 once again Bebado packed up His meager belongings, and continued His Educational Adventures Abroad.

Bebado’s journey then led Him to Johannesburg South Africa in search of the Champagne Prodigy, and World’s Number One Authority on the subject of any and all things Champagne Pezsgos Alom. Under the strict mentoring of Pezsgos Alom Bebado became a Bonafide French Historian who expertise was The History of The Champagne Region in France.

10 Years later Bebado had surpassed Pezsgos Alom who promptly went down into His Grand Wine Cellar, and Drank Himself To Death on some of the World’s Finest and Rarest Champagnes. His last words where:

“I am a Ship, Champagne is My Captain, and The Captain always goes down with the Ship.”

On His way to America Bebado was contacted by Barclay Grande Moccia of the Rose-Blush Institute of Pink Wine. Barclay offered Bebado a Scholarship to Rose-Blush to which Bebado replied that He rather be forced to drink Fortified Wine for the rest of His Life than give a single moment of His time with such Trendy Trash, and that Rose/Blush Wine was a Sin against Dionysus (The Roman God of Wine).

In 1973 Mr. Eddie Osterland was Awarded the First Ever Master Sommelier Certification, and instantly became Bebado’s Idol and personal Hero.

That was Until 1984 when Mr. Fred Dame became the First Person to Pass all Three Parts of the Master Sommelier Examination at Once which is known called Winning The Krug Cup (The 3 Parts are:  Part 1. Theory (Oral Not Written) Part 2. Deductive Tasting of 6 Wines. Part 3. Practical Wine Service.)

More motivated than ever by His New Sommelier Icon Fred Dame Babado recommitted Himself to a Life Long pursuit of Wine Enjoyment and Knowledge. Babado took the Court of Master Sommeliers Introductory Examination January 1, 1985 scoring a Total of 101/100.

Bebado signed up the next day for the Court’s next Examination to become a Certified Sommelier. On January 3, 1985 Bebado aced the Exam with a Record Total Score of 102/100.

Bebado Passed The Court’s Advanced Sommelier Exam (without taking the Recommended 1-2 years of Preparation) on January 4, 1985 with a Total Score of 103/100.

Finally completing His Education and Certification on January 5, 1985 Bebado took The Court’s Master Sommelier Examination Winning the Krug Cup in RECORD TIME OF 51 Minutes and 15 Seconds with a Total Score of 104/100.

Since Passing The Court of Master’s Introductory to Master Sommelier Examinations in under a Week the World was Bebado’s Oyster. Bebado had His pick of the World’s Finest Restaurants like Pretentious Pretentious, and working along side The World’s Top Chef’s such as Chef Willard Z. Dullard.

Bebado made Absurdia His Home on February 5th, 1999, and has been dazzling Our Patron’s Pallets with The Finest Wines, and Food Pairings. The Absurdia is referred to as “The House Bebado Built.”

Thanks for Reading,

 By Les Sober

Malice The Band That Almost Killed Us All: PART 4

April 1st: Heading into April with the umpteenth line up (consisting of Izzy Sane on Vocals, Mitch Fury on Drums, Maxi Padd on Bass, and Davie Scum on Guitar) met for a band meeting at their manager Harold Slickmann’s Villa in France. Once the entire band was assembled at Stickman’s French Villa they had a proper high end Wine and Cheese Pairing.

During the festivities the band decided to become a Honky Tonk Hillbilly Blue Grass Band. They also unanimously to donate 75% of their earnings to Charity, and Join Green Peace to occupy the time between Tours.

Also while they were at it Malice cured Cancer, Discovered the Secret to Immorality, had a conversation with all the Various Dieties of the World, Ended War, Fought Famine in third world counties, and traveled to the center of the Universe.

(Just Kidding April Fools)

In reality the band hung out at Slickmann’s house lounging around the Pool Day Drinking, and some light Day Drugging until they all got bored and did Ambient Shooters to sleep the rest of the Day.

April 3rd: The band met up at Dinky Kitty Recording Studio’s to quickly record a new EP called “Mental Metal Meltdown” before hitting the road heading out on a 27 day 27 Shows mini Tour promoting the EP. This was Razorback Records idea.

They figured why waste time you could use making money on anything else. Leisure was an Alien Concept to them. And since Malice wasn’t scheduled for their first World Wide Tour until the May 1st Razorback came up the the Ep Mini Tour Package Concept to keep the band productive and (Financially) Prosperous. Plus they figured with a band like Malice keeping them on the shortest of leashes was best for everyone involved.

Malice knocked out the entire EP in 5 hours flat. The Ep featured the songs “Beer Belly Blues”, “The Ease of Sleaze”, “Liquor, Ladies, and Lingerie”, “Sucking Down a Six Pack”, and “PsychoCycle”.

The second side would feature 4 Songs by their opening band during their upcoming World Wide Tour in May The Assholes. The Assholes were a notoriously infamous Underground Punk-Metal band from Detroit known far and wide for their overt aggression.

April 5th: After a 48 hour hangover Malice were in Razorback Records Conference Room for a Unscheduled meeting. Slickmann entered the room accompanied by the band’s long time Lawyer TR McCoy, and took a seat at the head of the far end of the conference room’s large tacky table. A few minutes later Razorback PR Rep. Lila Lascivious entered cold and emotionless as ever her Poker Face in full play.

Lila announced that Malice’s Mini Promotional Tour shows would all be “Secret” (unannounced or promoted or advertised no doubt to save Razorback more money on overhead expenses.) Shows each would be held in an “Untraditional Location”. This could be for example in an Abandoned Factory or some shit like that, but it was all an elaborate promotional campaign by Razorback to amp up Malice’s Street Cred. with Fans, and help spread the mythos of Malice. Lila finished her presentation by informing the band that they would be given the location of the Venue 1 hour before the show starting with tonights initial show.

At 9:00 pm Slickmann received a phone call in his Hotel Room from Lilia, and was told tonights show would be housed in an Abandoned and allegedly Haunted Insane Asylum named  The Leviticus Von Trundle Asylum for The Criminally Insane.

The show was a complete fucking flop. Razorback hadn’t “Put the world out on the street” (remember this is Pre Smartphones, Pre Internet, and Pre Social Media SO word of mouth was actually physically face to face or over the phone (Landlines and Pay Phones) to work.

Their was also a great deal of misunderstanding  as to what the fuck “Mental Metal Meltdown Mini Tour” actually was. See what happened was that the expected audience of Malice fans turned out to be mainly a larger group made up of rather confused Ghost Hunters. The Ghost Hunters thought the Show was some sort of Paranormal-Con type situation so imagine their surprise to instead of finding Ghosts the found Malice rampaging through the Entire EP.

Malice was than a little pissed off by the entire catastrophe that was that nights impromptu pop up concert. They not only played to a small handful of actual Malice Fans they also avoided selling any merchandise which Malice felt was an insult to injury.

An Utterly irate Slickmann called Razorbacks PR Rep. Lila and demanded a meeting immediately first thing the following Morning. After such a shitty show Malice vanished into the night to ingest intoxicants till the Hallucinatory Cows Came Home.

April 6th: Once again Malice found them selves in Razorback Records well used conference room along with their manage Harold Slickmann, and their Lawyer TR McCoy. Lila the Razorback PR Rep. assigned to Malice entered the room a minute or two accompanied by 6 well groomed, grey haired Record Executives in very expensive suits.

As soon as Lila and her associates sat down Slickmann still quite enraged from the previous nights cluster fucking launched into conversation like a NASA Rocket. Slickmann demanded Razorback release Malice from their current contract as Malice were utterly unhappy with Razorbacks, and were seeking  new Record Label Representation.

Lila listened to Slickmann’s wild rant and then presented Razorbacks position pertaining to the matter of Malice and their freshly started mini tour. Razorback insisted the show was a travesty true, BUT was anything but intentional. Malice and Razorback up until now how been amicable, and thus Razorback refused to terminate their contract with Malice.

TR McCoy requested to speak to the Head of Razorbacks Legal Department in private. Razorback agreed and walked McCoy to the Head of their Legal Department’s office. After 20 minutes or so McCoy returned with Bernard B. Burbler in tow.

McCoy presented the compromise that he and Burbler had come up with. 1st Razorback would cancel the next 12 shows (starting with tonights scheduled show) of the tour to allow time for Fans to find out about the “Secret Show(s)”.  2nd last nights show would be a write off on both ends since arguing would waste time and produce zero results (so Malice wouldn’t be “compensated” in any way for the hassle of last nights fuckfest AND Razorback wouldn’t seek reimbursement for the shows expenses or damages or for violation of contract.) 3rd and last of all after the current Mini Tour Malice could and would be renegotiate and reevaluate  their contract Razorback to assess wether or not  Malice and Razorback could continue to work with one another.

Malice begrudgingly accepted the terms and the deal was official, but Malice wasn’t through as they felt they needed to make their mark as it were. Izzy followed by Mitch and Davie strode over to the group of Razorback Record Executives, unzipped their flies, and proceeded to piss all over the them as the ran willy nilly around the conference room table horrified. Meanwhile Maxi who had drank 2 bottles of Exlax mixed with Gin jumped up onto the conference table, and took a massive 4 Gallon Explosive Diarrhea Shit all over it.

Security was called and a fist fight broke out between the Security Guards and Malice. No one was hurt because no one could land nor throw a decent punch due to the conference room being hosed down by a excessive amount of Urine and Feces. Malice and the Security Guards alike just tried to lunge at one another (in an attempt to grab the opposing party), but they all just ended up slipping and sliding all over in the bodily fluid covered floor.

Malice finally gave up and went home with the entire band smelling like over flowing Port-A-Potties.

April 7th: To help elevate the on going tension with their Record Lable Slickmann decided to book a Luxury Get Away to St. Troy in the Caribbean for the next week. Malice arrived in St. Troy in their Private Jet around Noon, and arrived at Oasis in the Oasis Resort. Slickmann had in the name of Privacy Booked the entire Resort to elevate the stress from the Press.

The first thing Malice did once they arrived at their Suits was to call everyone they knew and invite them to what Malice had dubbed “Rock’n Resort” Mega Party. The next order of business was arranging the almost none stop flights to and from the States shuttling all of Malice’s Guests back and forth.

Here is the Summation of Malice’s Vacation (AKA Rock’n Resort Mega Party)

April 8th: Malice charters the largest Yacht they possibly could to continuously circle St. Troy for 24 hours straight. Malice had additional Guests brought out to the Yacht on Jet Skies. The raucous Party got the attention of a local amateur Pirate Crew who moved on the Yacht like Fleas to a Dog.

Once the Pirates arrived they were mistaken for Guests in themed costumes and invited on board. The Pirates being thoroughly confused as No One they had ever attacked had remained throwing a Party. After a couple of Mojito’s the Pirates thought since they were now Guests at the Party it would be rather rude to Pirate and Pillage the Yacht at this point. Thus a good time was had by all.

April 9th: Mitch Fury went surfing and was accidentally killed. From what the Authorities said based on Eye Witnesses interviews the following. Mitch was surfing a gigantic wave having the time of his fucking life when the wave caught up to him. Once the wave was on top on him Mitch was thrown in a quite elegant arch through the air directly into an awaiting Great White Shark’s Mouth. The Local Police’s closed the case labeling it a extremely rare instance of”Suicide By Shark” (Its like “Suicide by Cop” but with a Great White Shark.)

April 10th: Malice in lou of the tragic death of their drummer knew they had to keep the band going, and began flying out Auditioning Drummers. The search for the new drummer was going badly to say the least, and Malice was entertaining the idea of just using a Drum Machine. Thats when Rock Harder the legendary Drummer who had played in such bands as Arch Enema, Poisoned Ivy, The Savages, and PileDriver. Needless to say Harder was hired on the spot without every playing a single beat.

April 11th: Slickmann wanted Malice to practice as much as they could during the trip to break in Rock Harder their new Drummer. So Slickmann assumed the responsibility of dealing with Fury’s ashes. See Mitch wanted to be cremated so the band had a Tiki Hut Beach Bash were Mitch’s body had been incinerated  in  the Bon Fire. Mitch being a such an Ocean Lover Slickmann had opted to give Mitch a Burial at Sea by spreading his Ashes out in Open Water. The Boat Left the Marina at 9:37 am headed towards the Bermuda Triangle (because Slickmann thought that be pretty fucking Metal) and was never seen again.

(Above: ^Bite The Turnbuckle ^)

April 12th: To deal with the second horrible death of their trip Malice went into the rain forests of St. Troy and Drank GALLONS of Ayahuasca. Malice then walked down their was to a splendid waterfall and spent the day talking to Trees.

April 13th: Malice got a call at 5:57 am from The American Embassy in Tokyo Japan. To their utter surprise Slickmann was in fact Alive. He had been found by Commercial Fisherman just outside the right side of The Dragon’s Triangle in the Pacific Ocean. The Dragon’s Triangle is reportedly Asia’s Bermuda Triangle. The best Hypothesis the Japanese Physicists could come up with at this time based on the data they had collected was this. Slickmann had entered the Bermuda Triangle and in it accessed some sort of geographical portal that transported Slickmann half way across the Earth. Their additional ideas were just plain ridiculous.

April 14th: After a trip that included the death of their old Drummer Mitch Fury, the hiring of Fury’s replacement Rock Harder, a Bon Fire Cremation, Hallucinating in the Forrest, and the temporary and mysterious (not to mention totally unexplained) disappearance of their manager Harold Slickmann Malice was ready to get the fuck out of St. Troy. Malice boarded their private Jet and flew home to New York (the bands current resident City) on an uneventful Flight. The inflight Movie was Tommy Wiseau’s Cult Classic “The Room”.

Stayed Tuned Readers for Malice The Band That Almost Killed Us All PART 5

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober 

The Paradox of Family

Along the course of one’s life they will experience a multitude of different people. Some of the individuals will have a nasty and negative affect while others will have a productive and positive influence. There lies a third personality that will knock you down into a sea of negativity only then to throw you a life preserver. I am not a person who grew up with bullies for me that third personality which influenced me to become the core of who I am through both negativity as well as positivity during my grade school years would be my father Stephen Lawrence. My father was my hero and at the same time my tormenter as I grew up.
The most positive characteristic of my father’s that helped me become the man that I have would be that he was well educated he graduated high school, college, got his masters in English, and went on to teach English at Temple University. Now one must remember a person can be well educated , but that doesn’t mean they are intelligent. My father had an unquenchable thirst for knowledge that lead him to be a prolific reader averaging up to three or four books a week. My father read up on a myriad of subjects, fiction and non fiction alike, to satisfy his intellectual curiosities. My father also became extremely interested in cooking and decided to teach himself using cooking shows as well as reading cooking books. By the end of his life he was truly an accomplished chef. My father also loved to travel. He traveled everywhere from Costa Rica to France but he never wanted to be the generalized cliche American tourist. My father taught himself Spanish, French, and Italian for the purpose of being able to converse with the locals as opposed to just being able to hail a taxi or find a bathroom.
I am proud to say that this thirst for knowledge has greatly influenced my life to this very day so much so that I used to joke that I must have been a cat in all of my previous lives. My father taught me to not only question anything and everything, but to research the facts, pertaining to a subject for myself. I’m definitely a “Must see it to believe it” person. Thanks to my father, I also share his enjoyment of learning. Whatever it may be that sparked his passion for knowledge; I am the same way. The best way I can sum up my father’s and my pursuit of knowledge is thus “No one ended up on their death bed wishing they didn’t know so much.”
Unfortunately the worst personality trait of my father was his terrible and intimidating temper. My father would loudly criticize the other party and then he could/would hold a grudge for up to and including decades. My father was also fond of his own version of the cold shoulder. He started the usual way of just coldly ignoring the person he was angry with, but periodically he would walk past the person he had taken issue with and glare at them with intense contempt and unparalleled disgust. He would maintain this icy stare until he was recognized at which point after a minute or so of unholy silence he simply would walk away not saying a single word. My father could get himself so enraged that even the most honest heartfelt apology would accomplish nothing. The issue was only considered resolved when my father was satisfied with the current state of affairs. Then and only then was the argument over. With my father it was never his fault for anything. It was always someone else complicating his life with nonsense, and this served as a constant and all encompassing excuse for his tremendous temper. My father was born with the proverbial chip on his shoulder and nurtured a “The world vs. Me” attitude.
I’m sad to say that I inherited in many ways my father’s abominable anger. I can be criticizing to the point of cruelty, but unlike my father I do not indulge in the cold shoulder concept. Instead of being cold I come in hot and only get hotter as my anger feeds upon itself growing more enraged with each passing minute. Unlike my father who was above insult and profanity I am most certainly not. When angry I swear like a sailor with Tourettes and have no trouble lowering myself to the low level of hurling insults upon one’s character. I, like my father, will only be satisfied when I feel the issue has reached its end and then in my mind it is actually over. Yet through all of this my father’s ill temper has also helped me become a better person in the end. I’m fully aware that my temper greatly mimics my father’s, but once I turned thirty I realized I don’t want or need to be like my father when anger rears its combative face. I started (and still am) working on my anger issues and how I can /could learn to control them before I totally become unhinged to say the least. Now to give credit where credit is due my father attempted and succeeded greatly to control his own anger, but he didn’t start this so called transformation of character until he turned 61. Part of my realization has been, if he could change at 61 then I have the opportunity to not only change my ways, but to do it with a thirty year advantage.
Another major influence my father had on me was his fear of illness as my father was a consummate hypochondriac. My father never had just a common cold he always had cancer. Thats to say my when my father got sick he would immediately go to the worst case scenario and then act accordingly. My father convinced himself he got sicker more often, for longer periods of time, and had the most severe symptoms out of anyone he knew who may have contracted the cold thus far. My father also made a point of making it abundantly clear that he was suffering each and every time he got sick as if he expected that at any given moment he would end up an invalid on his death bed due to his current horrendous state of heath. I possess the same brand of hypochondria with a few exceptions.
Growing up with my father instilled an intense instinct to remain healthy. If my wife or coworker for example were coming down with a cold/flu I automatically go into decontamination mode. I will start to take excessive amounts of vitamins, spray down communal areas with thick clouds of Lysol disinfectant, obsessively wash my hands, and avoid the infected person as much as humanly possible. When I do contract a cold I too assume the worst and begin to compulsively monitor my symptoms for signs of improvement constantly until my previous good health is restored in full.
I think the most admirable thing about my father was his incredibly strong work ethic. When my father took on a task/job or had a specific goal he wanted to achieve nothing short of death could stop him from accomplishing task/job or completing his goal. My father never procrastinated, delayed or did anything half way, for my father it truly was all or nothing. My father gave a hundred percent while staying intently focused on the work at hand, and if the job in the end wasn’t a hundred percent then the job was a total and complete failure. My father knew failure was unavoidable and he none the less detested it.
My father’s incredible work ethic is more than likely the strongest influence my father had on me growing up. When I have a task/job or goal to accomplish I too have to give it a hundred percent or nothing. I won’t let anything get in my way either and will not stop working from the beginning to the end relentlessly. With that said the influence of my father’s work ethic has a definite up side, but it also for me has a detrimental downside as well. I have unintentionally become the most ferocious perfectionist which causes me to be extremely hard on myself. I am most critical of myself above anyone else to the point which I beat myself up over the littlest things making mountains out of mole hills as the saying goes. I at some point along the road decide that nothing so far is any good and I can convince myself the entire project is flawed thus rendering it a futile waste of time and effort.
Once again we can see life is far from being simply black and white. In fact most of life falls into an enormous grey area. While it is true there will be specifically negative influences such as bullies or bad bosses, also there will be positive ones such as siblings or significant others. Most people you encounter will have a mixed influence upon your life and character. There will be some good along with some bad. It all comes down to the following: no matter who or what the influence may be, remember you can take what you like from the situation and leave all the rest behind.