Tag: friendships

Where Ever You Go There You Are

It’s No Secret that I have a Extremely Low Opinion of the Human Race and People in General. I avoid People as much as fucking possible unless I absolutely have to Interact with Them. Recently a Friend of Mine had a Falling Out with one of Their Long Time Friends, and when I heard the Story I gave My Honest, Straight to the Point, No Holds Barred Opinion since I Don’t Pull My Punches. After We talked My Friend suggested I write a Post about it, and so here I am Doing just That.

The Backstory: My Buddy Who I will call “Bob” got a Text from His Long Time Friend I will call “Phil” who unbeknownst to Bob had totally fucked up His Life in Texas. So being one of those People that Blames Everything and Everybody for Their shitty Life, BUT THEMSELVES. That being so Phil decided to up and move to Florida. Phil believes that His moving  would Magically Fix everything Wrong in His Life just by Relocating. The Problem is Phil hasn’t figured out the fact that Wherever You Go You There You Are. Point being You can’t out run Your Problems because You are the One creating the Perceived Problems, and until You work out Your issues They will stick with You no matter where the fuck You may Go.

              

The problem arose when after Impulsively agreeing to let Phil and His Girlfriend crash at His House Bob resized He had made a Mistake. In all due Favor Phil contacted Bob and informed Him of His Situation a mere 3 Hours before planning to arrive at Bob’s House. Phil also just fucking Assumed that Bob would Automatically let Him, His Girlfriend, and all Their Stay at His House. With COVID running amok across America, and a Wife with Pre Existing Medical Conditions Bob realized it be Far too Dangerous (not to mention Idiotic as all Hell) for Phil to Stay with Him. Bob felt bad and Offered to Pay for Phil’s Hotel Room, and Apologized Profusely for His Mistake/Lapse in Judgment, and here is the Final Text Phil sent Bob before Cutting Off all Further Communication.

“Never blamed the virus on you, but still can’t believe that we were turned away after 2 days of hell on the road. I’ve known you for almost 20 years and  “Roberta”(Bob’s Wife) for almost 10 years, it’s not like I’m a total stranger. I know she (Roberta) has never met Amanda (Phil’s Girlfriend), but she is super cheerful and careful because I also have a weakened immune system. We don’t take this Virus Lightly. Can’t believe you couldn’t vouch for us after all we’ve been through and hate that you’re controlled all the time. I know the virus is scary but we were trusting you enough to stay over at your house. Evidently there was no trust in return.”

Well Holy Motherfucking Shit this Text is so Twisted and Ass Backwards I barely Know where the fuck to begin, so I’ll just Start at the Beginning.

              

Phil starts with the Statement that He doesn’t Blame the Virus on Bob well isn’t that fucking Nice of Him. Phil then bitches/Complains about He’s “Hellish” road trip from Texas to Florida. That has absolutely NOTHING to do with Bob at all as Bob didn’t tell You to move or to relocate to Florida that was all Phil’s doing. Phil just comes off like a whiny little Brat who gets angry if He can’t do whatever it is He wants to do which for a grown man is Utterly Pathetic to say the least.

The Next point of Phil’s about being friends with Bob for 20 years and shit is Ridiculous. If Phil was actually as Good a Friend as He apparently claims to be (not to mention for 20 fucking years) He’d understand why Bob had to change His Plan. I mean it’s just A GLOBAL PANDEMIC where America has become the Epicenter , and the Fact Phil was coming from one of the Worst COVID States in the Nation doesn’t Help His argument. That and He stopped over in Mississippi where a shit ton of People like Phil use as the Half Way Point it too is a Highly Infectious Area. The lastly Phil is traveling through Florida yet another Entire fucking State that’s a fucking Hotspot. SO to recap Phil went from Texas to a Well Used Half way stopping point for other COVIDIOTS, and then Travels through Half of Florida just to get to Bob’s House.

Talk about High fucking Risk, and as far as I know Phil nor His Girlfriend where following Coronavirus Protocol like Social Distancing or Wear a goddamn Mask. For All Anyone Knows Phil didn’t practice the recommended Safety Protocols at all, and could have encountered/Interacted/Hung Out with Who fucking knows how many People during his 48 hours on the Road. Not like Any of US was There.

              

Phil then makes the utterly Asinine comment that He “Isn’t a Stranger” as if that means that some how by Knowing Bob thats means Phil and His Girlfriend aren’t an High Risk Factor for Infection. The Fact Their Friends doesn’t even Factor into it, it was just a way of Phil trying to make Bob feel Guilty. Guilty for what exactly for Protecting His Wife and Himself from again A MOTHERFUCKING GLOBAL PANDEMIC that has KILLED over 138,ooo fucking Americans Alone?! Trying to manipulate Your Friend with Guilt to Me means They were Never a Real Friend to fucking begin with, I mean who the fuck does that Immature Childish Shit?!!

Then Phil talks about His Girlfriend who first and foremost is allegedly a Very Cheerful Person. Oh I’m fucking Sorry is being fucking Cheerful a Coronavirus Deterrent, NO IT FUCKING ISN’T. Phil’s Girlfriend’s cheerfulness is a COMPLETELY MOOT POINT as it means fuck all in this Situation. Then Phil say His Girlfriend is Careful, and I’m calling BULLSHIT BIGT IME on that Stupid Statement. If She was in Fact Careful then She would have stayed Self Quarantined in Texas, and Not Travel 2 Days across some of the Most Infected fucking Areas there are Currently. She would have realized the UNNECESSARY and Dangerous Risk a Trip like that would Pose. Traveling was the RISKIEST thing to do during a fucking Global Pandemic, and the Safest would to be to Stay Put and Self Quarantine. Careful My Ass.

                

Phil then adds to the Idiocy buy saying that He has a Weakened Immune System or Pre Exisiting Condition which make Him at the Highest Rick of Coronavirus Infection. Again with a weakened Immune system WHY THE FUCK would You take a 2 Day Road Trip? That makes ZERO SENSE and was an Incredible Stupid thing to do. Also if His Girlfriend was careful She would have NEVER allowed Him to Leave, BUT She didn’t She went with Him. Phil then has the balls to claim that He and His Girlfriend don’t take the Virus Lightly well Again We see Phil’s Actions are the EXACT OPPOSITE of what He’s Claiming. Not to Beat a Dead Horse, BUT taking a fucking Road Trip currently IS THE GODDAMN EPITOME  of taking it Lightly.

The Phil mentions Bob not Vouching for Him, but Vouching for what Exactly?! Vouching that Phil is Trustworthy, a Good Employee, or that He’s COVID Free in spite of the Extenuating Circumstances?! There’s No fucking Context so the whole Vouching For deal is Nonsensical Horseshit. Then Phil claims that Bob is “Controlled all the Time” whatever the fuck that means. What Bob is being controlled by Aliens, Evil Spirits, The New World Order, The Military, The Government, CIA, or Some Evil Entity?! Serious what the fuck is Phil babbling about here I have No fucking Idea I just know its 100% Irrelevant to the Conversation.

                

Finally right at the very fucking end of His Lengthy Text Phil admits or Acknowledges that the Coronavirus is indeed Scary. Well thats News to Me since Phil’s Actions Speak FAR LOUDER than His Feeble Words. Then all of a Sudden Phil Says “We Were Trusting You to Stay at Your House” like Bob, His Wife or His House was the Safety Issue?! It’s Phil and His Girlfriend that Pose the Threat to Bob and His Wife, Yet Phil seems to be trying some Role Reversal Tactic which is a SERIOUS PUNKASS BITCH OF A MOVE. Then Phil goes back to attempting to Guilt Bob with the last line pertaining to Trust.

Phil has the fucking Nerve to bring up the Subject of Trust?  If I was Friends with Someone for 20 fucking Years I’d Trust though They may be Disappointed They would TOTALLY UNDERSTAND Why. The Fact Phil is Bitching, Guilt Tripping, and All Out Arguing the Facts around the Pandemic thats Affecting goddamn Everything (Not just Phil although He seems to Feel He is the Only Asshole on the Planet. Hey Phil YOUR NOT ALONE) just make Phil look like a Really Shitty Friend. Phil is being so Shitty over the Situation most People would immediately reconsider Their Friendship with Phil. Who wants a So Called Friend that Acts like an ABSOLUTE AND UTTER SELFISH SELF CENTERED FUCKWIT??? Phil need to get the fuck Over Himself, Man Up, and Take Responsibility for His Life Not Running Around picking Fights with His Friends for Fuck’s Sake.

              

More Proof People are fucking Idiots. I seriously wonder Sometimes how the hell Humanity has made it this fucking Far without Going Extinct due to Our Own Mistakes, Behavior, and Overall Shitty Attitude. We Pollute the Water, Air and Land while Killing Off Entire Species, and Constantly Trying to Kill Each other its Amazing Humanity has somehow (I assume due to Dumb Luck) hasn’t Gone the Way of the Dinosaurs.

Thanks For Reading,

By Les Sober   

Davey on Acid and The Friendly Ass Biter

It was a Mildly Pleasant Summer Day in Suburban Hell when I met up with My partner in Crime Armenian who just so happened to have some Seriously Intense LSD. Since there was never anything to do (which explains all the Drug Use) in Our Tiny Town so We had to be Creative.

On this Day Armenian and I decided to visit an Acquaintance of Ours named Davey.  I say acquaintance since We weren’t actually Friends, but We knew each other because We moved in the same Social Circles. I expressed the interest in seeing what Davey would be like on Acid, and thus Our Plan for the Day materialized. I called Davey who was Home and had nothing in particular to do and had No Objection to Hanging Out. Armenian and I then rode Our Dirt Bikes over to Davey’s since We had Our Driver’s Licenses, BUT Neither of Us had a Car.

We showed up at Davey’s a little after Noon to find Him tooling around on His Skateboard in His Driveway. We loitered in the Driveway contemplating what the fuck to do Next since We were in the Possession of Intense LSD, and Davey’s Parents were Home. We didn’t want to Drop Acid at Davey’s thats for fucking sure. There is nothing more awkwardly fucked up than having to Deal with Your or a Friends Parents while Your Tripping Face.

       

Again not have a Car impeded Our Prospects greatly to say the least. In the End We did the Only thing We could think of because the other issue at Hand was We were all Broke as Hell, and that was to take a Walk. With Our plan now in place We took the Acid, and made Our way to the Woods that bordered Davey’s Neighborhood since it was Secluded. The last thing We wanted was to be aimlessly wondering the Streets were We were vulnerable and could run into other People like Davey’s Neighbor’s, Assholes from Our High School, The Pissy Police, Little Kids, Pets, the Elderly, and Landscapers for example.

By the time We had leisurely strolled over to the Woods the Acid was beginning to kick in Big Time. The disassociating of Reality and Distortion of Time started to Set in along with the Nervous Excitement for the Hallucinatory Adventure ahead of Us. We haphazardly made Our way to a small clearing in the Woods that was utilized by The Teens of Town for Underage Drinking and Smoking Pot. Once We reached the Clearing thats exactly what We did We smoked several joints as the Acid took Full Effect.

       

We collectively made the Decision that We should leave the Clearing before some other Partiers Showed up. We thought it be best to head down to the near by Creek, Yet We were having a Great Deal of Trouble Locating it as Hallucinations made it Hard to get One’s bearings as You might imagine. After stumbling around and over one another We located a Path (at least at the Time it appeared to be a Path) and figured We were Lost because We hadn’t remember there was in fact a Path We could follow that would lead Us down to the Creek We were seeking for So Diligently.

As We were walking along I pulled a Bur (one of thoseCircular fuckers with all the Prongs) off of My Pant Leg. Armenian who was walking beside Me informed Me I had come in Contact with an Ass Biter. At that point I asked the Only Pertinent question Asking if said Ass Biter was Friendly or Hostile?! To My relief Armenian respond by saying that the Ass Biter in question was indeed Friendly. I looked and saw Davey walking a good bit ahead of Us and still mulling the Bur over between My fingers I thought it be absolutely fucking Hilarious to Toss the Bur at Davey.

   

Once I lobbed the Bur at Davey I yelled “FRIENDLY ASS BITER!” to for Shits and Giggles. Now I don’t know where Davey’s Head was at the moment I threw the Newly Dubbed Friendly Ass Biter at Him, BUT I think it was Safe to assume He wasn’t in a good Head Space. As soon as I made My Exclamation Davey turned to Look at Me and then took off as Fast as His fucking Feet could take Him off the Path and headlong into the Woods. Armenian and I called after Him letting Him know it was a Joke and He wasn’t in any danger at all, Yet Davey couldn’t be dissuaded and just kept Hauling Ass.

Armenian and I took off in pursuit of Davey but We eventually Lost sight of Him as We got more and more turned around. Then Armenian heard the sound of the Creek and thought it be a Prime spot for Davey to run off to and I agreed. We followed the sound of Flowing Water until We came to the Creek, and We found Davey standing Waist Deep in the fucking Middle of the Creek. Davey was holding completely still like a Statue all accept for His eyes which were Darting back and forth from Bank to Bank as if The Ground was Alive and expected it to Snatch Him Up at any Second.

       

Armenian asked Davey what exactly He was doing to which Davey replied that Friendly Ass Biters couldn’t Swim and thus were Terrified of Water. I told Davey he needed to get the fuck out of the Creek so We could find Our way out of the fucking Forrest. Davey refused to move Firmly  His Ground and the more I tried to get Him out the More Davey dug Himself in. I looked at Armenian with a “What the fuck do We do Now” expression plastered across it.

Armenian to His credit snapped into Action and told Davey that the Government had be Alerted to the Plague of Friendly Ass Biters. And since the Government was made Aware of the Threat had Planes fly over all Wooded Areas and Spray a Non Toxic Anti Ass Biter Agent. This Water Based Agent had been Highly Effective as the Government had just Announced that all Friendly Ass Biter had been utterly Eradicated. Armenian’s bullshit story worked like a Charm and Davey came lumbering out of the Creek without Question.

       

We made Our way out of the Woods and back to Davey’s which took God knows how long to Achieve. Once at Davey’s His Dad had left to go Golfing or some other dumb ass Suburban Dad Horseshit, and His Mom was putting Davey’s Baby Brother down for a Nap. We took advantage of this and had Davey run inside and retrieve His Cordless Phone which He did flawlessly without freaking out or getting distracted, or just plain forgetting what He was doing. We managed to finally get a hold of a Friend who had access to a Car who came and Picked Us up. We then bummed a Ride to Our Local Mall, BUT thats a Story for Another Day.

Thank for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (37/365)

“Filthy, come On Bud You’re blocking the fucking Doorway.” said Dizzy with a Hint of Frustration and Concern.

“Must have been Rotated by The Serpents in My Sleep is all.” replied the Bum in a Gravely Growl like Bear Yawning after Rising from Hibernation.

“Sure Thing Filthy I’m sure it was the Sleep Serpents and What have You just Please get the fuck out of the Way.” said Dizzy growing more Demanding by the Minute.

   

The Bum strained and sighed as He dragged Himself to His feet. He then peered around on the Ground collecting His various Belongings into a Pile after which He then Inspected with Great Concern that Each and Every Item was accounted For. Once the Bum had completed His process He inquired about a Possible Green Assistance Program Payment.

Lee had absolutely No Clue what the Man was referring too, that was before Dizzy smacked His arm to get His attention. Lee watched as Dizzy pulled a Couple of crinkled Up Dollar Bills from his Wallet, and a Joint from behind His Ear which He then promptly handed to the Man. Lee looked at Dizzy who Nodded His Head Slightly and motioned towards the Man by Rolling His Eyes with the Classic “I’ll Explain this shit Later, Now JUST DO IT.” Expression Plastered across His face. So still trying to process the whole situation Lee forked over Five Dollars adding He wasn’t Holding.

       

“Thank You Sires for Your Divine Tribute to this truly Down Trodden Old Soul. Go Be on Your Way Now Royals the Court will not Wait as The War Tribunal is Chomping They are Chomping at the Bit. They want to Cry Havoc and Release Their Dogs of War Upon the World, and Revel in the Retribution!!,” Hollered the Homeless Man in a Grand Fashion while Bowing Ceremoniously Ushering Lee and Dizzy into the Apartment Building.

       

Dizzy followed closely Behind Dizzy as They entered the Cramped Little Lobby which must have Measured a mere 10 feet by 10 feet and Not a Hair more. There was a Bare Light Bulb suspended from the Low Lying Lobby Ceiling that Swung ever so Slowly back and Forth flickering every so Often which Lee found to be a Bit Unsettling to say the Least.

The Floor was so Gritty from the Layer Upon Layer of Compounded Dirt and Grim it felt like walking on fucking Sandpaper. The Walls were Painted in a Shade of  Sickly Olive Green that reminded Lee of a  Defunct Prison, a Mental Hospital Throw Back from the fucking 60’s, or perhaps an Abandoned Military Facility.

       

The Paint was Not Only Faded and caked with Filth it was Cracked and Chipping off all over the fucking Place.  For all Intents and Purposes the Lobby Didn’t resemble that of an Legitimate Apartment Building, but that of a fucking  Abandoned and Decaying  State Run Institution that had been fucking Shut Down and Forgotten About all those Many, Many Years Ago.

Lee was beginning to Suspect that This Apartment Building as Dizzy claimed was in Fact a Shady Run Down Fleabag Hotel where You can Rent Rooms by The Hour, and Who’s Residents consisted of Late Stage Alcoholics Drinking Themselves to Death, Junkies of All Kinds, Mentally Ill People whose Family as well as Society had Left Behind, Petty Low Level Criminals and Thugs, and Wards of The State.

        

Be Sure to Catch Next Weeks Riveting Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (38/365)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober (Posted 1:33 AM)

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (34/365)

“So Ride is Modeled exactly like fucking Uber or Lift, BUT it was Designed, Set Up, Run By, and is Specifically for Tech Guys, You know the So Called Nerds. The one thing Everyone knows about Nerds is that They are Painfully Socially Awkward and shit like that. They exited Their World to Walk in Ours and They fall Prey to the Alpha Mentality. The “Alpha Male” Theory was based on David Mech’s Research into the Social Structure of Wolf Packs.” Dizzy said as the Slowly Meandered down the Street.

“I’ve head of that,” replied Lee pleasantly surprised by the Conversational Topic, “That’s the Theory that the “Alpha Male” Wolf asters Himself over the Pack through Aggression, but Year Later it was Proved Mech’s Research was proved to be a Debunked Model of Lupine Social Groups.”

        

“Exactly My Friend Exactly. It turned out that with Further Study it turned out Wolves don’t really have Alpha Males or Alpha Females for that Matter. The Truth is it’s ONLY  when Combined Different Wolves from Different Families (like in a Zoo for Example)  will Fight Over Rank, and even then shit Calms Down once a New Family Structure is Established.” remarked Dizzy, ”  My Point being Nerds being Socially awkward is the ENTIRE PREMISS for the fucking Big Bang TV Show, its become an ACCEPTED Sect of Society. I mean even the fucking Fashion World the Ones Who especially attacked Nerds over Their Fashion Choices has done a fucking 180, and is Now Embracing Nerds with that Nerd Chic Happy Horseshit.”

“Well some Cliches are Cliches because They’re Real, and this is a Perfect Example of That. The Cliche that applies to this Situation is If The System Fails You Then You Make Your OWN System I suppose.” Lee said earnestly as the Two of Them stopped Briefly to Buy a Couple of Hot-dogs and Beers from a Hot Dog Cart that was in Route.

       

“True so since Nerds truly Only feel Comfortable and at Ease around or with Other Nerds This Collective of Tech Nerds created a System that suited Them Perfectly. Uber started the the Public Taxi Trend if You will, but then it was Reported Uber shits on Their Drivers Like Pigeons on a Freshly Washed Car. Then Lift showed up and Stole Uber’s Business Model, and Got Known for being Very Cool to THEIR Drivers. Same Shit Different fucking Day.” Dizzy snarled through Bites of Hotdog and Sips of Beer.

“I hear You. I had some Asshole ask Me in all fucking earnest What the hell a My Space Page fucking was. I told the Fuck it was the Original Social Media Platform that FaceBook Stole for Theirs. Now FaceBook is Corrupt as Shit, Greedy as Hell, User Exploiting, Lying, Scheming, Billion Dollars Business, BUT it’s ass Addictive as Pain Killers. Fucking Facebook is the New Opium of the Masses They Know its fucked up as all get out, yet They can’t Stop Using It to save Their fucking Life.” responded Lee with the Greatest Disgust as Lee Personally Hated the Fuck outta FaceBook.

       

That’s All For Now, and Be Sure To Check Out Next Week’s Awe Inspiring Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (35/365)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober (12:02 am)

Chances

My phone rang one desolate, dank, and cold evening.

She asked for Carlos.

I told her she had the wrong number.

She called back.

She called back a third time.

   

My jack and coke told me that I was bored.

So we talked.

For thirty minutes.

A strange girl and myself.

I don’t talk to strange women.

Women have cooties.

       

So we went on a date. It was rather bizarre. A date with a woman. We met. She was a pretty girl, but I think I was just being nice when I told her this. She liked pixie sticks and newports. I had both of these in my pocket at the time as well. We hit it off somewhat. We saw a movie. Then sanity kicked in and I  never saw her again.

This was the ultimate chance meeting. I wanted to say I went out with my wrong number girl. If I was bi, I would have gotten in her pants so I could say I have sex with people that dial the wrong number. But I had already pilfered my friends phone line one day and made dates with six different guys who were actually calling him. My phone booth whore days have long since vanished.

       

GOOD VS. EVIL

Some chances we take have results not always visible to the naked eye. We take a chance on lending a friend money. Let say $500. That person promises to pay us back but everytime we ask them for our money the subject is changed. We hear about their abusive boyfriend, we hear about how expensive gas is, we hear about their drunken sister.

Then we suddenly remember this person is single. Then we remember gas is like a buck fifty a gallon. Then we recall they don’t have a sister.

So we stop asking.

         

We try not to harm the friendship in this person’s mind even though they might be harming it in ours but not making any attempts to pay us back. They don’t seem to have much of a consciousness or a soul when it comes to these things. Then you think for a second that you are being too harsh. Then you find out another friend of yours lent this person money and never saw a dime of it either.

Several weeks pass by. You have a few drinks at your friend’s house and fall asleep on the couch. In the morning you part ways and find your wallet to be short a few bills. You go home. You wonder what to say. Whether to say anything. What you say is ignored. So you keep silent.

     

Then we go off into the night.

Then we try and forget this person existed.

We hear rumors about their plight.

We hear sordid fairy tales, most likely a melody of facts and fables, everywhere we turn.

We wonder what went wrong, why we took such a chance on them.

Why couldn’t he have been honest? Why can’t we tell the truth and be honest for once?

 

BLACKMAIL

I like the way you look at me.

I like the way you brush your hair.

I think your eyes are a glimpse into heaven.

I know you had sex in your car last night. I am going to rat your ass out.

 Yup sometimes we are lucky little ones and aren’t always the ones with our hand caught in the cookie jar. We catch other people’s hands in the cookie jar quite often too. I was involved in one of these situations before. Well shit I seem to have been involved in many of these situations, who am i kidding?.

Sometimes all we have to do is shut up and listen. You can hear drama from quite a distance.

        

All of the thoughts in my head told me to go for the money. Extort! Extort! Extortitionaaayyyy! I need a vacation I thought to myself. I chose to have a conscience. I laughed about it with the dude, who was the “other woman”. The months worth of laughter provided much more valuable than any payment plans.Chance provided a good chuckle.

CONCLUSIONAIRE

We all take chances. Sometimes they take us.

We have the power in ourselves to determine the final outcome.

Time may have had its way with you.

Time may be your best friend.

        

But when the time comes to make your mark.

Will you actually take that chance you have been dying to take your whole life?

Or will you let time have its way with you and regret those leaps of faith?

Those chances you can’t take back.

Those choices that beckon forth your reaper. 

I simply call him Dismay.

  By SpaceDog

Not All Swings Are For Children…

One of My Dearest Friends Mr. Matt (who died far too young) who wasn’t just a incredible Story Teller he also had some of the best Stories I’ve ever had the pleasure of hearing.

I found Myself the other evening indulging in a few too many Beers and reminiscing about My time with Mr. Matt when I realized I could help immortalize Mr. Matt’s insane Stories by Posting them.

I then realized that since its been much longer than I can comprehend since the World Lost Mr. Matt and that I’m only getting Older if I was going to help preserve Mr. Matt’s Wonderful Tales I better start soon as possible.

Thats the only malfunction of Memory is that while it helps us remember our friends and Family etc. its designed to Fade, and I can’t in good conscience let these Terrific Tales fall by the wayside to be forgotten.

Mr. Matt and I shared a common confusion when it came to kids and communication. Thats to say We both liked kids its just when it comes to talking to kids it was an exercise in awkwardness.

I think its because kids have several behavioral/emotional/intellectual stages pertaining to their age, and its hard for me to tell what phase the child is in thus how to exactly relate to it. Let me explain a bit here.

The Stages as I understand them are basically this. First the kid is a “Newborn” then it transitions into an Infant. From there Kids evolve into Toddlers, and then the kid hits some shit called “The Terrible 2s” (which means your kid is going to be a real asshole so heads up)

Then the kid hits double digits turning 10, and I have no fucking clue what so fucking ever what the fuck the “Tween Years” are or about.

Then Puberty hits the Kid like a freight fucking Train and all hell started breaking loose like a real Shit Storm. I fully believe NO ONE can actually communicate with a Teenager THEIR RAGING ASSHOLES.

So without Further A do Here is Mr. Matt’s “Not All Swings Are For Children”

It was a fine fucking day in the sweltering Great Southern Swamp and Mr. Matt and His Partner were lounging about lazily sipping cocktails as they milled idly about the house.

Now there was at the time a little girl around the age of 5 or so who lived a few houses down the street from Mr.Matt who had become utterly infatuated by Mr. Matt and His Partner. She had started a habit of leaving little tokens and presents (like little crafts, a drawing so on and so forth) on their Welcome matt outside the front door.

Well apparently the Father of said Little Girl has decided to walk over to Mr. Matt’s house with his young daughter in tow. He wanted to see if the Neighbors were ok with his kid leaving presents outside their door daily (like a fucking Cat leaving you a dead mouse to help really make your morning.)

Mr. Matt and His Partner answered the door and invited the two inside for a quick social bullshit chat. The adults were standing around in a loose triangle formation discussing the topic of the Child’s obsessive present giving.

Things were going fine as the mundane chitchat rambled on until Mr. Matt looked down and noticed the Daughter was missing having wondered off to explore the rest of his house. Mr. Matt panicked though he hid it well.

You see Mr. Matt and His Partner had a “Adults Only” room in their house shall we say, and Mr. Matt realized instantly that the normally secured door to the “Adults Only” room had been carelessly left open.

Mr. Matt raced around the house as fast as he could without raising suspicion that is, and as one would imagine he found the Child inevitably in the “Adults Only” Room looking around all wide eyed and innocent.

Mr. Matt quickly collected the Little Girl and returned with her to the Living Room were Mr. Matt continued to chat all the while wondering what the fuck the kid might say or do since her brief adventure behind the curtain as it were.

Right as the conversation is winding down and the Father and his Young Daughter get ready to leave the kid announced excitedly

“Hey Daddy, They have a SWING in Their HOUSE!!!”

The moment of silence that followed was beyond awkward as I’m sure everyone there was scrambling around in their skulls trying to think of what possibly could they say or do about this surprise situation.

At last the Father looked down at his Young Daughter and replied

“Well Lets get you home and Bleached Off.”

And that was the last time Mr. Matt or His Partner ever saw either the Father nor His Daughter ever again.

The Presents Continued until the Family finally moved out of the area 2 years later.

Thanks for Reading,

 Les Sober