This Story Starts a Short While before the 2020 Election when it was Revving Up to be the Total Post Election Shit Show it is Currently. One Day I had to Run a Mundane Errand that required that I Drive over to a Near by Neighboring Town. This is a frequent Side Effect of Living in a Town So Small it Only has one Single Traffic Light is it Requires that You Travel for a wide Variety of Reasons. The Main Reason being in a Small Town You have Limited Choices (and Certain Product Availability) so Traveling to a More Populated Area becomes Part of the Chore.
This Particular Drive is Quite Scenic as it Runs Through a Mix of Pine Forrests and Farming Fields with the Odd Small House/ Mobile Home sprinkled in Here and There. The Road as one might Imagine Qualifies as the Road Less Taken since You can Drive Miles before seeing Even One Other Car on the Road. Around the Midway Point of the Journey on the right side of the Road Across from a Empty Farmer’s Field is what appears at first to be a Viable Side Street or Road if You will. It is in fact The Top of someone’s Driveway You Can’t actually see the House from the Road because it’s Hidden in a You Guessed it One Forrest. What You can See is that approximately a Quarter Mile down this Long ass Driveway is a Large Cast Iron Gate Blocking. There’s 10 Foot Brown Stone Walls on Either Side of the Gate that Start about Ten Feet High and Taper off toward the Ground. I have No Idea what the Aesthetic Brown Stones are because I’m not a fucking Geologist, but They Look Halfway Decent.
Now as I Mentioned this was in the Pre 2020 Election and America was in a Chaotic Frenzy. Well on this particular Day as I drove by I Noticed the Residents had Placed 25-30 Elect Trump Yard Signs about Four Feet Apart Down both sides of their Driveway. It was Overkill in Every Sense of the Word. Now We Fast Forward the Election is Over, Biden has Been Certified by the Electoral Collage, and its been a Month and a Half Past Election Night. So the Next Time I had to had to Run an Errand Out that Way it was No Real Surprise that the Elect Trump 2020 Yard Signs had been Removed. Now on the Way into Town I Noticed a Excessively Large Banner Displayed at the Top of the Same Property where the Elect Trump 2020 signs had Previously been. I noticed it too Late to see what it Said, but I decided that right then and there that on the Way Back I would Most Definitely Find out what this Banner was all About.
On the Way Back I made sure to Slow Down (which is Easy to do on a Road with Virtually no Traffic as I mention Earlier) so I could take in the Banner in its Entirety and What I saw I found Absolutely Dumbfounding. At the Top Half of the Banner on a Dark Navy Background it Said in Big Block Letter in all Caps “TRUMP SIGN THIEVES” and there was a Phone Number displayed Under it also in Big Ass Font. The Bottom Half consisted of 3 Pictures of Three Different Cars of the Suspected Sign Thieves Vehicles, but We’ll get back to that in a Minute. It was Painfully and Blatantly Obvious that the Home Owner was 1. Die Hard Trump Supporter 2. Was Pissed as Hell about Their Elect Trump 2020 Yard Signs being Stolen. What I want to Know is What the fuck do Does the Home Owner Expect to Happen pertaining to The Stolen Yard Sign Banner?
I First thought to Myself Seriously How fucking Stupid since Yard Signs Run an Average of 97 Cents to Custom Make so This Person was Out a Whopping $48.50. This is Horribly Ironic since this Banner They had made cost Them a Couple Hundred Dollars so that 3-4 times as Much as the Cost of the Yard Signs. I just figure Out if You’re Pissed about being Out $50 Why the Hell would You then Invest a Couple Hundred in an Additional Banner? I may be Shitty at Math but Even I can tell You That Doesn’t Add Up. The Only Possibly Reason I could Muster was The Home Owner Truly Believed that the Stolen Yard Sign Banner would in deed Pay Off in the End. Still the Question Remained What was the Intention of the Home Owner since They are having a rather Extreme Reaction to the Theft of Their Shitty Elect Trump 2020 Year Signs?
This is My Hypothesis on this Oddly Absurd Situation. Once the Home Owner Saw the Signs were Stolen the Enraged Idiot(s) called the fucking Local Police and Reported it. The Cops basically Blew the Hoe Owner Off due to the Ridiculous Nature of the So Called Offense. Then the Pissed Off Assholes decided They would have to take Matter into Their Own Hands with Their Bizarre Brand of Vigilante Justice. They then had to Spend some Time coming up with a Course of Action and in The End They settled on Big Ass Bullshit Banner. Next They had to go to a Graphics Shop and have the Banner made and again Pay a Few Hundred Dollars for it. After that They returned Home and Erected the Batshit Banner at the Top of Their Driveway, and I assume are Still Waiting for the Banner to yield Results.
At this Point I’d like to Readdress the 3 Large Blown Up Pictures of the Alleged Sign Thieves Vehicles. The First Thing I’d like to Address is the Fact that These Pictures are so Shitty and Off Point its fucking Mind Boggling. What I mean is all Three Picture are Utterly Useless since NO INFORMATION can be deduced from Them. You See Each Picture Failed to Catch the Car’s License Plate which is in the Second Chapter of “The Big Book of Duh”. Since all the Photos are Shot at Insanely Strange Angles You also have No Chance to possible See the Driver or Anyone Else Who Might be in the Car. For all Intents and Purposes the Pics look like they were taken by a Drone that was being Operated by The Clueless Village Idiot. I say this because Not Only all the Car Photos Void of Any Pertinent Information Whatsoever the Picture seem to have been taken From Above at Random Angles. It’s Almost as if the Camera was Basically Shooting Down from Above the Cars.
Not to Mention the Fact The Home Owner had Photos (as Shitty as They Were) actually had Photos since where the fuck was the Camera Located in the First Place? With a Vast and Empty FArmer’s Field across the Road from the Property there is No Where to Attach any Type of Camera since Theres Literally Nothing to Attach it too. This Must Mean the Camera would have to have Been Mounted on the Same side of the Street as the Home Owner’s Property. The Issue there is again Where was the Camera Located? My Wife Theorized the Pictures were Caught by a Security Camera at the Gate. The Problem with that is as I said the Gate is a Quarter Mile Down from the Road, and since the Yard Signs were running down the Sides of the Main Road the Camera couldn’t see Shit to take a Picture.
The Next Option would have been the Most Likely in Most Cases. We live in a Rural ass Area where Hunting and Fishing are as Big as Professional Sports, and Most Hunters Use Motion Activated Trail Cameras to Surveil Perspective Hunting Territory for Game. Thus it would make the Most Sense if Someone mounted a Trail Camera or Perhaps Several to the Pine Trees that Comprise the Forrest on the Home Owner’s Property. The Only Problem with the Stolen Sign Situation is a Trail Camera Would Have to be Mounted at the Same Hight as the Cars, and Not 15 feet up the Trunk of the Tree since its Motion Activated (and You’d want to Photograph Cars Not Birds Flying in the Distance). Thats How I came to the Only Reason I could Think of which is it was a Drone Camera but Who fucking Knows.
As for the Intent of the Banner I am Equally as Clueless as I still can’t Deduct what the fuck the Home Owner thinks is going to Happen as a Result of Their Banner? The Police aren’t going to be of any Assistance due to it being No Where Near a Priority, and The Only Evidence is the Three aforementioned Crappy Photos a 3 Cars that contain Nothing of Value as far as Information. So is the Home Owner Honestly expecting that some Stranger Driving down the Main Road Outside of their Property, See the Banner, and Somehow be Able to Identify One of the Cars. This is Already a Never Going to Happen Hell or High Water Situation, but I’ll Play Devil’s Advocate for the Sake of Argument.
Let’s Say Someone did see the Banner and All That the Home Owner is Banking on that Person Giving as Big as a Shit about the Stolen Signs as the Owner. The Stranger would have to be Equally as Enraged over a Case of Stolen Yard Signs to even Give a Shit. If it were Me and I saw the Banner and Actually Knew One of the Cars (“Oh Shit Thats Phil’s Car!”) the Next time I saw the Car Owner I’d tell Him how Hilarious I find the Whole thing and Way to Go. Point Being the Last damn thing I’d do is call the Number on the Sign I simply wouldn’t Say Shit. Lastly even if the Home Owner found Out Who the Cars Belong To fuck are They Going to Do? There’s really No Legal Recourse (just ask the Cops who were annoyed by the Reporting of this Piddly Shit) so They could Only do One of Two Things.
Option One is to Tell Everyone around since Word Travels fast in a Small Town where Everybody Knows Everybody. This would be to Call the Culprit Out and Publicly Shame Them in the Eyes of Their Friends, Family, and Community (Most of Which are Avid Church Goers so “Thou Shall Not Steal’). I also Suppose in this Day and Age They could do the Same by Talking Shit on Social Media to Vent as well as Call Out the Guilty Party. If the Home Owner is a real Dicks They could Go Over to the Alleged Guilty Person’s Residence and Address the Matter Face to Face. This would Not be a Safe Decision since the Home Owner Would Either End Up In Jail for Showing Up and Acting like a World Class Asshole or For Killing the Supposedly Guilty Person. That or They End up Getting Shot, Beaten to a Bloody Pulp or Killed Themselves. Anyway You Slice it it Always Ends Badly for the Idiotic Home Owner. So the Question Remains the Same: What the Fuck is the Point?
Besides it being an Utter Absurdity of the Situation I’m just Relieved it s something Entertaining instead of Asinine. I mean at Least it wasn’t a Situation like This Old Cranky Bastard that Lives in My Neighborhood Who is Still Flying His Elect Trump Flag like an Absolute Asshole.
Thanks For Reading,
By Les Sober 