Tag: gay bar

Text-A-Rama: Another Round of Absurd Insanity

Yup you got it I’m here to dish up another heaping helping of Late Night Texting (between SpaceDog and My self) served Insanity Side Up with a side of Shit Talking.

SpaceDog: Also you can add “hey Goggle, fuck off” to the list of Fucks. So i either have a broken heater or my upstairs neighbor has the loudest vibrator known to man. Overtime i hear the loud buzz i turn up my tv as loud as possible (or music) and no matter what after 10 minutes it goes away. What the fuck could it possibly be if not the heater making the bitch of a buzz noise? My heater has not ran as further reference.

Les: I agree fuck Google, fuck’ed straight to the 9th circle of Hell for all I fucking care, search shit engine. What kind of heating do you have exactly I don’t remember from my visits. My brain is like a fucking Old Car. Its still runs but it takes a few minutes to warn the hell up. Dunno did you change the Filter?

SpaceDog: Baseboard like a basehead. isn’t basehead the original crackhead?

Les: Oh well fuck the filter idea. LMFAO. Yeah before crackheads were baseheads. Its the fucking evolution of Crack Cocaine! Before crack people freebased combining Cocaine and Baking Powder into a smokable form of powder. Richard Pryor set himself on fucking fire free basing.

SpaceDog: Probably the fuck not they don’t do shit around here.

Les: Been there and I had to fucking pay an HOA quarterly for doing DICK. Home Owning Assholes.

SpaceDog: Yo these asses left the sprinkler on during a nor easter which wouldn’t have been bad but it was set to go off so it would pound against my windows every 4 hrs for 15 minutes. I had to go out in the rain climb through bushes, throw the sprinkler into the lawn, wade threw bushes and mud and shut the fucker off.

Les: What kind of dumbfuck leaves the sprinkler during a fucking nor Easter?! Even if the sprinkler timer is pre set they could hit the kill switch or some shit to shut it down. Goddamn thats a bunch of unnecessary horseshit. I’d be pissed as hell too. Who needs that shit.

SpaceDog: So like literally after i get this urge to write in the silence my apartment is making all kinds of noises. LOL. I have not wanted to sit in silence since i stopped living with Eon 8 fucking years ago. In other news, the top breaking news tonight is Kanye realized he was being used by Donald and is staying away from politics. Lmfao

Les: Trump played Kanye the way Kim Jong-un played fucking Dennis Rodman LMFBO!!! Kanye is the African American’s answer to Alex “Asshole” Jones. Holy Fuckster 8 years is a fucking Prison sentence. EON A-LA-CRACKHEAD with a guitar, the coffee house crackhead cunt.

SpaceDog: Kanye the past 2 years is like Clint Eastwood talking-to that chair for 2 years straight.

Les: Lmfbo true. I want to see a fight between Charlie”Tigers Blood” Sheen Vs. Kanye “Dragon Energy” West.

SpaceDog: Hey u discovered any good way to make things disappear from continue watching on Netflix? I wish i could relabel this section Things That Suck Ass and Baited Into Subtitles because all you lazy fucks translated was the title.

Les: No I wish I had. Baited into subtitles LOL! I’ve seen foreign movies on Netflix with NO Subtitles or Over Dubbing so if you don’t speak the language your outright fucked. Working on a List of Fucks part 2. There were so many more Lmfao.

SpaceDog: Didn’t realize there were that many more.

Les: I didn’t either until I started thinking about “Fuck….” all over again.

SpaceDog: So hopefully i don’t sleep tonight as long as yesterday. I slept from 11:30 pm to 5 pm. Ok i got coffee at 7 and that kept me awake till 9 but thats a bit more sleep than i’d prefer.

Les: Sounds like you have Rip Van Winkle Syndrome or some shit.

SpaceDog: I feel like i have either strep, Legionaries or mono.

Les: Perhaps Narcolepsy or a bad bout of boredom Lmfbo!

SpaceDog: Walking pneumonia is another possibility.

Les: Thats Sucks Snail Scrotum. Being sick sucks Blue Whale Balls for sure. Goddamn disease. Fuck disease.

SpaceDog: Grocery shopping when sick sucks ass. I literally went down every aisle and realized all that was in my cart were peppermints.

Les: I might think about hitting up a fucking doctor just in case. better safe than dead. YOLO Peppermints riding SOLO!

SpaceDog: I have 3 antibiotics laying around. Was thinking of taking copra but idk why 1 tbh. My sickness started when i started hearing that noise. Go figure. Woo hoo i have a porn app on my phone I’m officially an old perv.

Les: Porn App you dirty old fucker, you use an app?! I just hit up Youporn on my phone if need be.

SpaceDog: Its android only ask file from videos.com

Les: PornHub Ve. YouPorn. Stumpfucker Films is all Amputee Porn.

SpaceDog: Im finally out of mental and penile anguish from seeing a prolapsed butthole.

Les: Dear fucking God thats a seriously fucked up thing to see, burns into your fucking brain forever.

SpaceDog: Can we make a show for Netflix? I mean if haters back off was a show why can’t i just go around filming ivy savage all day?

Les:Where the hell did you see some sick shit like that at?!! Netflix is a good fucking question you got me there.

SpaceDog: I really just want to see a rim job but whatever fucking site i was on i guess i included too many search words and boom it was all hanging the fuck out.

Les: Case of Mangled Rectal Trama. Can you take a shit with a prolapsed asshole?! What if you tied 2 prolapsed rectums together?! Can you blow it up like a fucking balloon animal?!

SpaceDog: Not just like oh your asshole is swollen from a hard fuck, no i mean i probably saw prostate. Idk I’m glad i didn’t have that picture in my head when the lady at hurry back inn told me about her reversed bowels 15 years ago.

Les: Reversed Bowels?!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT?! Lmfba!

SpaceDog: I miss Leonard’s

Les: Leonard’s? Bloody Stool is my new favorite band.

SpaceDog: The bar on Crocker rd in Spamilton that was near my parents house.

Les: Oh OK I have no memory of that bar, then again I don’t remember a whole hell of a lot from most bars.

SpcaeDog: Its some pizza bar now. I don’t miss the other bar on that street. All i remember is it was the first time in my life i incited an angry mob. The other were at mcguinns and at the lottery ticket machine.

Les: Lmfao what the hell was the angry mob thing about because it sounds entertaining.

SpaceDog: Which One? LOL

Les: Any and all of Course.

SpaceDog: Was so crunk i thought i was at a gay bar and got catty at some random dude and he took it as fighting words, then started shit with a different dude. Mcguinns got kicked out for being overly intoxicated but stole 3 cell phones on the way out (pre smartphone era)

Les: Catty and Crunk sounds like a fucking crime tv cop buddy detective shows from the fucking 70’s.

SpaceDog: Lottery machine i stuck money in the scan winning ticket hole and the machine went completely dead with a line of like 30 people behind me. Machine went completely dead for 5 minutes but then took 5 more to reboot.

Les: Why the hell did it need to Reboot?!

SpcaeDog: Quite possibly the 10 longest sober minutes of my life. Took a hammer to them after not finding any kompromat on them.

Les: Thats a real Lottery Machine Motherfucker.

SpaceDog: I aslo lost a sneaker in mcguinns so i came home with 1 shoe. Like hell i was going back for it though LOL

Les: LOL think we have all been there with the coming home drunk to sober up with one less shoe. Fuck and No I wouldn’t have gone back for it either.

SpaceDog: That literally was the only time i walked solo to mcguinns. I was more a crystal diner take teenage boys in the bathroom to do shots with me.

Les: a Bathroom Bar. Sounds like Ye Old Crystal Diner. I knew it well. Used to go there with The Arminian, Eon, and Homicidal Hippy when we were dealing drugs together.

SpaceDog: Its the route 1 diner now. Not 24 hrs. Shittsville has zero 24 hrs shit now. Quite possibly the only WaWa gas station on Earth that closes.

Les: Last time I went to the Crystal Diner I ran into Jack Off Jimmy V who tried to be a condescending cunt and get in my face for being stoned as well as drunk, and I was all I used to be your fucking drug dealer you bitch ass bitch. What Jimmy didn’t know is though we hadn’t seen each other in several years I still knew the shit that happened to him i that time the dumb twat. I informed him I knew of his addiction to Tart heroin followed by rehab and then a full scale metal breakdown (schitzophrenia I think)SO FUCK THAT JACK OFF.

SpaceDog: Yeah judgey people suck. Thats pretty fucking funny.

Les: What?! No longer open 24 hrs and with a cliche stupid ass name that really fucking sucks. RIP Crystal Diner a True Dive Diner.

Les: This Fucks list part 2 is actually longer than the original. Lmfao! Original word count was 1,063. Part 2 word count is 1,255.

SpaceDog: Are there repeat fucks or original fucks only?

Les: Don’t think there any repeats, hope fucking not. Its hard to keep count it gave me a fucking migraine but i HATE doubles, it looks like your stacking the deck and bullshit like that.

SpaceDog: Yeah i sure as all hell don’t feel like counting. Reading the first list of fucks was exhausting and made me feel dirty.

Les: Lmfao Exactly. I figure if there just so happens to be a repeat no one will every notice unless they have some serious fucking OCD. Also .49 cent Sushi is My Wife’s new favorite band. I just created a word SLUNT. Definition: A Slutty Cunt.

+End Transmission+

Thanks for Reading,

Brought to You By,

 SpaceDog

 Les Sober

Last Voicemail Message from SpaceDog Transcribed by Les Sober

Welcome

It was an autumn night. The year 1994. I was 16. I remember this night for it was my first introduction to the ‘gay community’. It was my first night at a gay bar. The people I was with told I was at the ‘Little Roxy’ (in New Brunswick, NJ maybe?).

As I walked in, I took in the room. The first thing I noticed were the stares. The first thing I felt was the hand of an intoxicated man grabbing my ass. It was immediate uncomfortablity. I was offered a drink but I just wanted to get out. I did eventually.

We proceeded to go to Roxy in New York. I was in awe. At first I loved it, then it struck me as odd, then it struck me as love again. I noticed everybody being really gropey to one another. Then the people I was with (a much older sampling of men probably mostly over 40) all started kissing together in a circle. I, being in the city on their pursestrings, joined. It was all odd in the long run, then I was taken home, snuck in my window, and went on with my regular life.

Looking back at this specifically it just strikes me as odd how this group of friends would all get tongue twisted like that. I shouldn’t judge really, I’ve hooked up with a friend or two in my days but it was basically my first impression.

On my eighteenth birthday, I was ostracized by my closest gay friend for not wanting to go out to a club. I wanted to be around my straight friends and for this I was condemned and condoned.

‘Why would you want to be around straight people?’ You can’t get any cock with them!’, he viciously barked at me.

My simple reply was,’Life is not just about sex. It is about being around people that I enjoy the company of whether they are straight or gay.’ Sadly this wasn’t the only time I heard this from a fellow gay.

Prelude to a F*** OFF

Before I begin this section I just want to state that I have had fun at gay bars and clubs in the past. I have also had fun while being stranded in snow storms along the side of the road and have had fun while being searched by the police. I even have had fun with someone after suicide attempt. Does this make me sick and twisted? More then likely yes. I adapt to the cards I am dealt on a given occasion and try to make the best of things. We aren’t always dealt a great hand and even when we are there are infinite ways we can screw it up (and vice versa).

F*** OFF!!!!!!!!!!

I am completely tired of how gay people act as a whole. Sure as a ‘community’ we can band together and protest things like prop 8 which I am proud of, yet the remander of the time we tear one another apart.

I choose not to part of a ‘community’ wear all that is praised is vanity, clothing labels, and how many cocks we can suck. I choose not to be a part of something where self centeredness reigns queen supreme. Where narcassism is considered a positive attribute and altruism is a red flag for let’s take advantage of him. Where people not conforming to the majority are made to feel like a right wing nut job at an Obama rally.

And nearly fifteen years after my first experience with the ‘community’ I have realized nothing has changed. It is all just still a big meat market, devoid of morals, devoid of much more then what can you do for me now. I don’t really expect more and never have or will. It is what it is.

On a personal note, I have noticed that things such as honesty, whether about yourself or someone else is chopped down to an unacceptable level.

Nine times out of ten when I tell someone that I have epilepsy they suddenly look at me differently like I have eight legs or they want me to have a seizure like, ‘HERE SPARKY BARK SPARKY’ F*** SPARKY!!!

I tell them I think Britney Spears, Ashley Simpson, Miley Cyrus and their legion of doom can all go suck my cock and that I like a lot more rock music and that the music playing in this club makes me to shoot myself in the head, they are either personally affronted or think I literally want to shoot myself in the head. Like I’m gonna go out like Kurt Cobain or Layne Staley and off myself just because I listen to their music.

 

When someone asks my opinion, I do not sugar coat it. I tell it like it is. I do not hang in close surroundings with people I detest. People are so offended by bluntness and honesty because the truth hurts.

Would you rather be lied to all your life by people you think are your friends or would you rather be told the truth by your enemies? Lest we forget the old saying:, ‘Keep your friends close but your enemies even closer.’

A lot of people who portray themselves as genuine will stab you in the back in front of their friends. Some people will simply reveal their true colors over time.

Which is why I simply say F*** OFF to the ‘gay community’ and for those of you fed up as well, welcome to my gay revolution.