As some of Our Reader’s are aware Last Week We had an Insanely Absurd 2 Day Technical Issue (Wednesday & Thursday). Since I don’t handle Stress well it turns Me into an Aggressively Neurotic 3 Ring Circus Sideshow, and am utterly unpleasant to be around in all Honesty.
Since We had spent 2 days going around and around like a bunch of Drunken Assholes trying (virtually in vain) at that point to fix said issue I took Friday Off from working on FYB. Consider it a Mental Health Day if You will. I spent Friday watching B Horror Movies, fucking around the House, and Wrestling with Our Pack of Dogs. It was very uneventful that was until Friday Evening anyways.
I was sitting on My couch scrolling through Troma Movies Filmography when My (and FYB’s) Good Friend and Awesome Artist N@P dropped Me a line. I have always been a “Talk and Walk” type of Person, and being so when I’m on the Phone I pace back and forth like a fucking caged Animal on the Front Porch while I’m on the Phone. This time was No Different.
I happily answered the Phone and headed out on to the Porch for a invigorating Conversation with N@P. While on the Phone venting about the Tech Issue I noticed the very last of my E-Liquid was almost completely depleted. Because I live in the Middle of Fuckall I order My E-Liquid via The Internet, and a week had gone by so it HAD to be here. I have NEVER had a problem of ANY SORT with My E-Fluid Site, and They Delivered in 3 days WITHOUT FAIL so They had to be in the Mailbox.
As I continued My conversation with N@P I strolled over to My Mailbox to retrieve My badly needed E-liquid Supply. I Opened the Mailbox and Low and Behold the Actual Mail (Letters, Junk, Flyers, and Bulk Mail Bullshit, BUT NO E-FLUIDS. I being already stressed went absolutely Batshit.
Not only was I out of E-Fluid, My E-Fluid apparently was MIA, and one other VERY IMPORTANT DETAIL. The previous Week a Young Man looking to be 17 or so suddenly pulled into My Driveway on His Dirt Bike (Bicycle). He slowly approached Me and sheepishly asked if I would buy Him E-Fluid. I had had a couple Beers so I wasn’t Driving period more or less to get some strange Punk Ass Kid some E-Fluid.
Not to mention I have literally NO fucking idea where the hell I could purchase E-Fluid in My remote Area of the World. I relayed both those points to the Young Man and He inevitably then fucked off as I wasn’t going to be any use to His punk ass.
Now back the The Present………
I flew into a Rage as I was convinced the Punk Kid stole My shit since He got all fucking bent because I would drop what I was doing, and go drunk driving to get Him E-Fluid. I had fucked up and divulged I order Mine from a WedSite so He literally knew They were in the Mail as it were.
I started ranting insanely that I knew the fucking little sack of shit stole My shit, He was being a pissed off little fuck, and I wanted to beat the holy fuck out of Him, but I was fully aware that attacking a Minor gets You Arrested and I don’t need the fucking Hassle of it all. N@P did a splendid Job of Talking ME Off The Ledge, Zen Returned, Reason was again trumped Emotion, and all was right with the World.
I kid You not more than 3 minutes later the Punk Ass Kid is riding His bike down My Street, and has the balls to wave at Me I thought. I figured the Little Shit would go the traditional Plausible Deniability route, and act all fucking surprised before taking My side in the “Steeling Shit is Fucked” overall argument. I didn’t let the Little Shit get a single fucking Word out when He once again pulled into the end of My Driveway.
I unloaded and unleashed the Fury of The Nordic Gods upon this poor Young son of a bitch. The first words out of My mouth were “YOU STOLE MY SHIT! WHERE IS MY SHIT! YOU BETTER GO GET ME MY SHIT YOU STOLE!” followed by informing Him He should “Fuck right the Hell Off before I changed My fucking mind and Came the fuck down off My fucking Porch to Totally fuck up His Day.
The Kid for His part sat on His Bike and said NOTHING. My point is He didn’t defend Himself He never once said ‘No I DIdn’t Steal Your Shit” or “I have No Idea what Your talking about.” or “I’m innocent, I didn’t do it.”
If I’m accusing You of stealing My Shit whatever it may be in My mind an innocent Person would not only Defend Themselves they would hold Their ground and continue to do so. If You like this Kid say and do NOTHING I’ll take that Silence as an Admission of Guilt because obviously Your silence indicates to Me I got Your guilty ass.
Anywho I finally stop My Tirade long enough for the Kid to make a get away. As He departed the scene The Kid in Question said something over His shoulder which I couldn’t make out, BUT assumed it was some sort of insult. So this prompted Me to Yell “I know where you fucking live if I want to find You.” I of course have No fucking Idea where this Kid calls Home.
I then remembered I was on the phone currently with N@P who was finding the whole thing a combination of utterly Hilarious and Complete Confusion. He asked for verification of what had just occurred and I filled Him in. N@P laughed as He pictured the scenario in His head. After a few more minutes N@P and I hung up and that was that. Until Later That Night………
A Little after 8 pm as I crack open another Beer there is a Loud Knock on My Door. This was surprising because NO ONE Knocks on Our Door, and NO ONE has in the last 2 years. Like I said I live deep in the Woods out by a Larger Pond. I knew though what was up. At My Front Door was either Mom, Dad, Older Brother or Sister come to see about the Earlier Confrontation. As it turned out it was His Mother.
She asks aggressively if I had a run in with Her Kid to which I reply Yes in an equally aggressive tone. I then explained the E-fluid Incident to Her in full at which point She admits that the Kid was Acting Up Recently since swiping Schools, Was in Fact only 14 years Old, Father is Not in the Picture really, The Kid toys to get People to do shit like Buy Him E-Fluids. I apologized for over reacting based on an asinine presumption, and My over all shitty Unbecoming Behavior.
The Mother then tells Me that Her Son was Terrified by Me and based on what She had been told She thought I was indeed Terrifying. Then all of a sudden She calls the fucking Kid out of the Car just to make shit more awkward or whatever. I say sorry to the Kid, and He tells Me looking Dead in My eye and I quote He said “You Terrified Me I’ve never been around someone acting like that before, I had No Idea what to do.”
So Ends yet another Chapter in The Bewildering Book Of The Life and Times of Me Les Sober.
Thanks for Reading,
By Les Sober