Tag: hackers

Enough Of The Fucking Surfing The Dark Web Videos.

As We are all aware in the YouTube Universe there are a Myriad of Different Genres so Basically if You Name it and You can Find it. Ever since the General Public was made Aware of the Existence of the Dark Web People have become fucking Obsessed about it. And Why Not it’s in Our Nature to be Drawn to things that Mystify, Alarm Us, Scare Us, or is Dangerous/Forbidden/Taboo. At this Point in Time the Dark Web has a Reputation that’s Almost an Urban Legend unto Itself. Now the Dark Web Genre has remained Pretty fucking Popular and which has its Own Subgenres.

For Example the Dark Web Mystery Box Videos where a YouTuber Orders a Box Off the Dark Web with Unknown Contents. Then when it Arrives They Open it on Camera/Live Stream and Reveal the Contents of Said Box. There Also there are Cautionary Tales from of Dark Web in the form of Horror Stories, and These Stories have a rather fucking generic Template. These Stories are about Someone who went on the Dark Web, Fucked Around, and Subsequently Something Seriously fucked up Happened to Them. They’re Dark Web Educational Videos where a YouTuber Breaks Down the Levels of the Internet from the Surface Web to the Dark Web. They then Usual finish the Video Warning Against Ever accessing the Dark Web and that its Insanely Dangerous to fuck around with Period.

Today the Dark Web Subgenre We will be Addressing are the Plentiful Surfing the Dark Web Videos. These Type of Videos are Simplistic to make and Unfortunately They’re Basically fucking Identical to One Another. The Videos start with the YouTuber Hyping the Dangers of all the Crazy Shit found on the Dark Web. The YouTuber then talks about Security (VPN) and Software (Tor) You need or should have if You plan on Venturing onto the Dark Web. After that the YouTuber typically says some Corny shit like “So We’re going to Surf the Dark Web so You Don’t have to” and Off We go. The YouTuber Logs onto the Dark Web and Immediately Hits up Hidden Wiki and Explains that its like Wiki, but for Demented Dark Web Sites. Next thing after Hitting Up Hidden Wiki said YouTuber Scrolls around Listing the Usual Sick and Twisted Dark Web Sites or Topics that People are Fascinated with.

Here are the Aforementioned Popular Dark Web Topics/Sites/Subjects:

Let’s just Address the fucking Elephant in the Room First and Foremost. It’s fucking Revolting that the Largest Group of Scumfucks on the Dark Web are fucking Sleezy fucking Pedophiles. Due to the Utterly Insane Concentration of Pedophiles inhabiting the Dark Web means unfortunately the Largest Category on the Dark Web is Child Pornography (CP). In Our Opinion these Vile Motherfucking Pieces of Shit should be Hunted Down, Dragged Out into the Street, Exposed to the World/Community, Beaten Mercilessly, and then Publicly Executed with it being Streamed Live on the Internet, Shown in Real Time on TV, and Announced Play by Play on the Radio.

Another Big Time Dark Web Category is Drugs because People love Drugs. People love taking Drugs, Talking About Drugs, and Inventing/Finding New Drugs to Experiment with. As far as We are Concerned While it is Tempting to Attempt to Score Drugs Off the Dark Web from the Anonymity of Home, yet it’s an Absolutely Retarded thing to Do. With that Said We Believe Wholeheartedly that if You try to Score Drugs from the Dark Web 1 of 3 Things will Happen. First You get Ripped Off when You send the Funds and the Recipient Grabs the Cash and Vanishes. Second if You actually do Order Drugs off the Dark Web and Receive it in the Mail there is a HUGE chance that whatever the fuck was Sent is Fake or Contaminated (Example:The Addition of Fentanyl especially in Heroin). The Last Option is the Acceptation to The Rule Personifiedwhich would be if You order Drugs, Receive Them, and They are Real and Uncontaminated.

Now the Only Acceptation to the Rule when it came to Scoring Drugs Off the Dark Web was the Dark Web Site Known as Silk Road. Silk Road had a Unique insurance Policy when it came to Protecting the Customer as well as Their Cash. The Policy was Simple but Incredibly Effective as it Manifested in just One Singular Rule: Don’t Rip Off Silk Road’s Customers! To Enforce this Policy if a Dealer Stole Someones Cash or Sent Them Fake Shit or Total Garbage the Dealer in Question would be Banned from the Site Permanently. So why the fuck did the Various Drug Dealers Comply with this Policy? Well its an Easy Answer Silk Road was so Successful and Profitable Dealers Didn’t want to get Banned because They would lose a Major Source of Income.

Another sought after Dark Web Category is Guns because like Drugs People have an Intense Affinity for Firearms. The Odd thing about the Firearms Category is that in Reality it’s much Smaller than You would Think. Most of the Weapons Advertised for Sale are mainly Hand Guns, but once in a Blue Moon You can come Across Something Unusual and Completely Unrealistic such as an RPG (Rocket Propelled Grenade). Once again in Our Opinion if You Order a Gun off the Dark Web Chances are You’re going to get Ripped Off and That’s it. The Other Possibility is if You Buy a Gun off the Dark Web and it Arrives there is a Very Good Chance that it’s been Used in a Crime or Worse used in a Murder. If the Gun You Purchased has in fact been Used in a Crime or Homicide and the Authorities get involved that Crime/Murder You’ll be Held Responsible. It’s Extremely Hard to Claim Your Innocence if You’re in Possession of the Gun in Question.

There is Yet Another Hot Dark Web Topic which are the Hitman For Hire Sites. Now it’s Pretty fucking Safe to Assume that (even though it isn’t Out of the Realm of Possibility) these Sites are 100% Unadulterated Horseshit. As Far as We are Concerned these Sites are a Total fucking Scam. This is the Easiest fucking Way to Steal some Gullible Dipshit’s Money because all You have to do is Create the Site. Then You just List a Bunch of Sinister Services that are Complete Bullshit that’s made the fuck up or Stolen Straight out of a Shitty B Action Movie. These Sites make the Owners feel like Dark Web Badasses when in Reality They’re the People who got Picked On in High School. Not to Mention there is a Very Good Chance that the alleged Hitman besides being a Thief could be a Cop or Government Agent. The Authorities have been Known to Lurk on the Dark Web Posing as Hitmen to Entrap an Unknowing Idiot.

Speaking of People for Hire Off the Dark Web the Other Category besides Hitmen For Hire are the Hackers For Hire. This may seem More Tangible than trying to Hire a Real Life Hitman, but it is None the Less 99% Bullshit. Again More than Likely Your Money will be Stolen and that’s the End of That. There is also the Threat that a Hacker You communicate with or Hire could be a Shitbag Criminal who would end up Hacking You and Your Shit. Just like with the Hitmen For Hire the Hackers For Hire could Very Well be a Police Officer posing as a Hacker in which case Your getting Your ass Arrested. Now there is a SLIGHT Possibility that there are indeed Actual Real Hackers For Hire on the Dark Web, but They are damn near impossible to Locate in a Dark Web Sea of Scummy Shit filled with Fakes, Fraudsters, Thieves, and Scammers.

If there is a Number One Category that Contributes to the Urban Legend Reputation is the Mythical and Mysterious RED ROOMS. Red Rooms are something Straight Out of a Torture Porn Horror Movie where an Unknown Victim is Kidnapped and Held Captive. Then at a Predesignated Date and Time the Victim is Tortured and Killed in Real Time on a Dark Wed Livestream. No Matter What Red Rooms are Pay-Per-View, but that’s Not the Darkest Part of Red Rooms. Allegedly those who are into Red Rooms are able to Pay more then the Basic Viewing Fee for Certain Perks such as Being able to Instruct the Torturer to Preform Particular Acts (Example: Cut Off Nose, Break Legs, Kneecap Etc.). For all Their Ominous Show Boating and in spite that they are a Morbid Curiosity Not a Single fucking Real Red Room is Real, and there is Absolutely No proof or Evidence of any Actual Red Room EVER Existing. In Our Opinion the Bottomline is Red Rooms are just Horror Themed Nightmare Fuel for the Masses and are Fictitious as Unicorns.

The Point of it All is that Yes while there Plenty of Fake Shit run by Thieves on the Dark Web there are Serious fucked up Sites and even More fucked up Users. Bottomline if You wouldn’t Walk through a Shitty Neighborhood in the Middle of the Night without a Phone or Weapon then Stay the fuck Off the Dark Web.

It is What it Is,

 By Les Sober

The Deviant Detective #8 Hunting Shadows In The Dark

“Alright No harm in Seeing what Your Made Of,” retorted Rock defiantly, “Now let’s get the fuck out of Here Before I’m Too Drunk to Drive.”

Rock got off His Bar Stool which let out a Loud and Prolonged Creak as the Old Wood breathed a Sigh of Relief and Rock’s Departure. Rock stood at the Bar for a minute or Two before Finally Paying His rather Large Tab before heading out to the Parking Lot at a quick Clip. The Young Girl who alleged She was a Infamous Hacker who went by Von Dire happily hopped off of Her Bar Stood and Took Off Following Rock Outside. Rock marched straight over to His Car and Started fumbling with His Keys unable to find the Actual Car Key to Unlock the Door.

“I’m not getting in a Car with You if Your Driving in This State,” announced the Young Woman indignantly, “Give ME Your Keys and I’ll Drive since there No Point Showing Up wherever We are Going if We’re Dead.”

“Your just Lucky it’s a Shitty Rental from My Mechanic because there is NO WAY in Hell You’d EVER Drive My Car.” snapped Rock Defensively before realizing He was being a Bit of a Drunkenly Belligerent Dick.

            

The Young Woman unlocked the Doors, got in, and Adjusted the Seat and Mirror to Her liking much to the Chagrin of Rock. Once She was comfortable She unlocked the Passenger Door and Let Rock In. Rock Flopped Down into the Passengers side Seat with a Low Groan of an Aging Body. He first struggled to Locate which pocket His cigarettes were in followed by a Subsequent Search for His Lighter. At Last Rock had located the Items He was hunting for and Lit a Cigarette much to the Chagrin of The Young Woman.

“Smoking is Foul and Fatal.” She stated with the Reserve of a Top Scientist.

“So am I so What Of It?!” snarled Rock through Clenched Teeth.

“Nothing I suppose it makes sense You Smoke since You obviously have a Death Wish and Are Also Insanely Lazy. That’s why You won’t even consider committing Suicide so You let The Cigarettes and Booze Kill You on Your behalf,”answered the Young Woman, “Face it Rock Your a fucking Old School Dinosaur on the Verge of Extinction.”

“Then Let Me Die as I wish and Keep Your Unwanted Opinions to Your fucking Self then,” said Rock almost Yelling, “Lets get down to Brass Tax if We do End Up Partners on this Job What The Fuck Do You Need, and What the fuck do You Know.”

           

“Well first Off You’re Hunting a Big Time Scumbag Criminal who is Hiding Out and Conducting some serious sick shit on the Dark Web. If You think it’s fucking Hard to Find someone in Physical Reality it’s going to be Exponentially Harder to Find Someone lurking in the Dark Web Abyss,” stated the Young Woman, “Think of it as Hunting for a Shadow in a Pitch Black Void.”

“Great way to Start Off a New Job.” Rock said Sarcastically before Lighting another Cigarette.

“Not to Mention that Red Rooms are the Stuff of Creepy Pastas which is what an Internet Based Urban Legend is referred To. No One knows if Red Rooms actually Exists outside of People’s Morbid Imaginations,” the Young Lady said in a Flat monotone Voice, “There was an instance of an Alleged Red Room consisting of a Captured Terrorist by Middle Eastern Authorities, BUT it was Complete Crap in it was Painfully Obvious the Whole Thing was Fake as Fuck.”

“Jesus Christ the More You Talk the Less I want to Hear,” announced Rock aloud, “I’m already reconsidering this Job, and I don’t usually do that Until I’m waist Deep in the Shit so to Speak.”

“Once in a Blue Moon there is a Red Room Announcement Posted, But again the Events Never come to Fruition since They are in Fact Fake as Fuck as Well,” continued the Young Woman Unfazed by Rock’s growing Negativity,”And then Theres the Availability Issue. Since Many Dark Web Sites Shut Down one Minute their Up and Running and the Next They’ve completely disappeared they’re hard to Track. If Red Rooms are real lets say for the sake of the Argument then They would be Much More Likely to Disappear without Notice due to The Authorities.”

           

“Hold the Hell Up I didn’t think the Authorities could do a Damn thing about all the Illegal shit on The Dark Web so what Gives?” asked Rock in all Honesty shifting His weight in His Seat as He talked.

“It’s not easy for Law Enforcement either, but They have far more Manpower, Resources, and Money than Just the Two of Us,” answered the Young Woman,”The Authorities tend to Focus on Soly on Certain subjects like Drugs, Guns, Human Trafficking, and Pedophilia. Now though if there is Someone Advertising a Red Room Event where allegedly a Victim is Kidnapped, Held Hostage, and Then Tortured to Death On The Dark Web I think that would be something the Authorities would be Interested in perusing.”

“Valid Point.” said Rock Grimly as He mulled over the Information He was just Given.

Stay Tuned For The Next Unforgiving Installment of………

THE DEVIANT DETECTIVE #9 DELVING INTO THE DARK Coming Soon!

Thank for Reading,

  By Les Sober

The Deviant Detective #7 Von Dire or Be Damned

“Like You Detective,” Otto continued,”I have little time to spare so Time is of the Essence in this matter You see. I will leave You with all the Intel You will need to Start Your Hunt, and Detective Please remember above all Discretion is Vitally Important while Dealing with as well as Resolving this Issue at Hand.”

With that said Otto drained His Drink in one Large Sip, Stood Up Quickly, and Handed Rock a Manilla Envelope He had retrieved from His Coat Pocket before Abruptly Leaving. Although Rock appreciated Ott’s Candor He still was a Little Taken a back about How suddenly the Conversation Ended. Rock Tossed the Envelope onto the Bar in front of Him with the enthusiasm of a Man who was just Served Divorce Papers. He flagged Manny down for another refill before lighting a Cigarette, and Exhaling Deeply a Token Sign of a Tired Soul. As Rock was leisurely putting out His Cigarette He noticed in His Peripheral Vision someone sitting down next to Him. Exhausted but still curious Rock slowly and deliberately turned to face the Person who had taken up Residence on the neighboring Bar Stool.

There sitting Next to Rock was a Petite Young Girl with Shiny Jet Black Hair and Piercingly Green Eyes who looked to be 20 years Rock’s Junior. Rock couldn’t Help noticing the Girl given the Circumstances in a Old Man Dive Bar She stuck out like a sore fucking Thumb that’s was for sure. Even Manny   who usually was infallible seemed enamored by the Young Girl He was fumbling and bubbling the Bottles of Booze He was inventorying. Rock found Himself wondering How this Girl ended up at Old McCoy’s when She should be at some Generic Sports Bar with a bunch of Annoyingly Loud Girlfriends and Their Dumbfuck Frat Loving Jock Boyfriends.

           

The Girl picked a Pretzel from the Bowl that was sitting next to Rock’s empty Shot Glass and Mulled it over in Her fingers as if in Deep Contemplation. Rock started to think of various reasons the Girl might have picked such an Out of the Way Hole in the Wall Like Old McCoy’s. More than likely Rock thought She was simply hiding from Someone like an Asshole Ex-Boyfriend or Perhaps She was hiding from the World in General. Before Rock had time to consider another possibilities the Young Girl became to Speak.

” Don’t think I was being Rude or that I’m a inconsiderate Asshole, but I couldn’t Help over Hearing Your conversation earlier with that Stiff and Stern looking Investment Banker looking motherfucker.” said the Girl without looking up from the Pretzel in Her Hand.

“COuldn’t Help? What the fuck does that even mean, it’s just a bullshit excuse People use so hopefully the Person They were ease dropping on Doesn’t haul off and Hit Them,” criticized Rock with Angry Frustration, “You eased dropped on My conversation because Your Nosey and wanted to Hear what We were saying. My Point is is wasn’t a fucking accident or freak fucking occurrence. You deliberately decided to Listen in plain and fucking simple that’s the way I See it.”

“That aside if You’re going Hunting for Someone on The Dark Web The Old Fart was right Your going to need somebody with some serious Tech Skills. Anyone can use the Dark Web, but finding someone takes a shit ton more Know How than the Basics.,” the Girl said completely ignoring Rock’s harsh criticism, “Like You said Anonymity is Key and lets face it the Dark Web is the New fucking Alaska for motherfuckers who Do Not want to be Found.”

            

“Look I’ve had one hell of a fucking Day so I assume this is where You tell Me why You’re That Person.” muttered Rock into His Beer Glass.

“Have You ever Heard of the Hacker Known as VonDire?” asked The yOung Girl Slightly with a smirk.

Now Rock may not have been the most Technically inept person on the Planet but that didn’t mean He was in the Dark by any Means. Rock had in fact heard of VonDire who had been the Center of Several Big Tech Hacking News Stories over the last Year or So. Aside from the List of Litanies the Media like everyone else had No Idea or Actual Information pertaining to Who VonDire was. The News had Reported a Variety of Allegations such as VonDire was a Member of the Hacktivist Group Anonymous until getting Kicked Out of the Organization for Conflict of Ideology. They had Reported VonDire was an Ex-Military Anti-Government Radical, a Anarchistic Tech Terrorist who Lived Only to create Chaos through Destruction. There were News Stories Alleging VonDire was the Illegitimate Love Child of Dark Web’s Silk Road Founder Ross Ulbricht (aka Dread Pirate Roberts) and an Infamous Drug Cartel’s Mistress, and that VonDire was a Hackers Version of Robin Hood targeting Corrupt Corporations and Billionaire Bastards.

It was all Here say because if Any One Knew who VonDire was or How to Track Him/Her Down it would have already happened, and been blasted across the Media Platforms like wild fucking fire. This Meant VonDire is as much of a Mystery as They were From Day One. Not to mention Rock wasn’t a Blithering Idiot or a Drunken Fool so He was well aware that the Shit People Say in Bar’s is simply that Shit People Say in Bars. Rock wasn’t impressed by the Name Drop and He sure as Hell didn’t have a single reason whatsoever to believe that this Attractive and Petite Thing sitting Neck to Him was a Wanted International Hacker. Seriously Rock thought to Himself was He supposed to Believe this Pretty Little Thing sitting Next to Him was the One who had been wreaking Havoc on a Global Level that’s fucking Certain.

            

“Look You don’t have to believe Me its doesn’t Chap My Ass in the Least,” replied the Young Lady,”It’s obvious by the Scowl plastered across Your well worn face You Don’t, but not only that You Don’t care either. What You Should Care about is the Man Your considering Working For Mr. Otto Van de Berg.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” demanded Rock gruffly as He grew tired of Talking to People when He had come to the Bar to Drink Alone.

“Well I’ll keep it sort at least for now since I’m aware Your Time is Precious,” countered The Young Lady, “The Van de Bergs Aren’t Angels They’re Devils. In Reality The Van de Berg’s are some of the Evilest, and most Revoltingly Vile Pieces of Shit to have ever been Regurgitated up from The Bowels of Hell.The Van de Bergs have amassed a Fortune since the Early 20th Century in Oil and Railroads. In the Beginning The Van de Bergs indulged in White Collar Crimes like Fraud, Tax Evasion, Insider Trading, Ponzi Schemes, Embezzlement, Wage Theft, Bribery, Labor Racketeering, Forgery, Copyright Infringement, Cybercrime, Identity Theft, and Money Laundering. The Whole Nine Illegal Yards as it were You see Greed is One of the Biggest and Dangerous Motivators of Man.”

            

“So They’re Wealthy Elitist Assholes, The Sons of Bitches of Bureaucracy Out to Finically Rape the World’s Riches on the Broken Backs of the Common Man.”commented Rock almost under His Breath.

“The Story Doesn’t Stop There Oh No the Van de Bergs started to Expand Their Criminal Repertoire first with Gambling and Loan Sharking. Next the Van de Berg’s branched Out into Arms Dealing followed by Them Entering the Drug Game. Then it was Prostitution, Human Trafficking, and Murder on a Massive Scale. At this Point if it’s Illegal and there’s money to be made the Van de Bergs are involved in it to some degree.” said the Young Girl with the Honesty of a Nun.

Stay Tuned for THE DEVIANT DETECTIVE #8 Coming Soon

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober (12:31am)

Before There Were Hackers There Were Phreaks

To Understand The Following We have to Transport Ourselves to a Time before Smart Phones, Before the Cell Phones, and Before Even the Internet. This was the Time Decades ago Where the Phone Company Giants Totally Dominated Communication (Other than Phones there was only Snail Mail or Faxes) World as People Knew it. In this Time there were Only Two types of Phones Landlines for Your Home and Pay Phones if You were Out and About. While Pay Phones Turned a Pretty Penny in Profits The Phone Companies Real Cash Cow was Long Distance Phone Calls. The Phone Companies would Charge Callers like Pay Phones by Billing Them PER MINUTE for Long Distance Phone Calls, and of course the farther One called the More Expensive The Cost. Thats why when Cell Phones first Showed Up it was a Big Deal and a Real Bitch that People could Make FREE Long Distance Nights (Starting at 9 pm) and All Weekend.

           

Where Ever there are People in Power or a Dominate System of Communication there will be Those People Who will fuck with it Six Days a Week and Twice on Sunday. One of Those Most Influential (if Not the Number One) founder of The Phone Phreak Subculture Movement was Joe Engressia from Richmond, Virginia. Joe was Born Blind and from the Time He was a Small Child had a growing Fascination with the Phone System and More Over Manipulate it. As a Child Joe was in the Habit of Calling what was Referred to as Recording Phones Calls.

I will pause here a minute to explain to Our Reader’s Who may Be Unaware of what the Hell a Recording Call was. It was a simplistic money making scam where Someone would/could set up a Pre Recorded Story, Horoscope, Song Etc. and Then People were able to Call a Specific Phone Number to Listen to Whatever the fuck the Recording was for a Fee that is. Sometimes it was a Flat one time per Call Charge or it might charge People by The Minute as well.

           

Now back to Our Story. Joe had a habit of Whistling to Himself while He listened to said Recordings. One Day when Joe (Who was also Born with Perfect Pitch) was Eight He realized that when He hit a Certain Pitch when He was Whistling the Recordings would Automatically Shut Off. Joe’s fascination in the Phone System started to turn into a Life Long Obsession. The Tone Joe was able to Identify as well as Mimic was 2600Hz which turned out to be the Key in Control. Using the 2600Hz Tone People were then able to TRICK the Phone System into Thinking They were an Actual Operator. Once the Phone System duped into thinking the Caller was an Operator They could make FREE Long Distance Calls, Open Conference Calls, and Route Calls to Specific Parts of the World for Example.

This Obviously pissed Off the Phone Companies to No End as Phone Phreaks were cutting into Their Bottom Line. Joe was Arrested while attending the Collage of Florida because He was Providing His Fellow Students access Free Long Distance by Joe mimicking The 2600 Hz Tone. A Local Paper caught wind of the Story and shortly After it was Published suddenly Other People Who also had learned Ways to Manipulate the Phone System started to contact Joe. Phone Phreaks like the Hackers of Today Use Monikers to Identify Themselves to Protect Their Anonymity since Phone Phreaking like Hacking was Illegal. Some of Those People who were The Top Phone Phreaks of the Time were Captain Crunch, Even Door Bell, Mike From New York, and Joe had adopted the Moniker Joy Bubbles.

            

At this Point Joe started to Meticulous Notes Chronicling EVERYTHING Phreak Related that He knew or Learned becoming the a Communication Hub for Other Phone Phreaks. Unfortunately this also led to Joe being Arrested for a Second Time when a Undercover Agent TRICKED Joe into talking about His Phone Phreaking Activities. The Agent then Use the Information He had collected to acquire a Search Warrant for Joe’s House. During the Police Raid They found Equipment used for Accessing, Manipulating, and Transversing through the Complex World of The Telephone System. Joe was sentence to 30 Days in Jail and had to Promise to Quit Phone Phreaking Once and For All. In May 1988 Joe Legally changed His Name to JoyBubbles and Claimed to be Eternally Five Years Old. He explained that He had Reverted Back to Childhood to Over come Trauma from sexual abuse He suffered in His Younger Years. Nowadays JoyBubbles continues to live as a Small Child and even has a Show called “Stories and Stuff” which People can Listen to by Calling/Dialing 206-FEELINGS.

           

As Time went by and the Phone System started to Evolve They Inadvertently Ended up Accomplishing Their Goal of Killing Phone Phreaking for Good. Once the Phone Systems Upgraded and Converted to a Digital System the Phone System could No Longer be manipulated by Using Tones. Ironically and perhaps pPredictably many Phone Phreaks Transitioned from Phone Phreaking into Hacking.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Murder And Mayhem At Trump’s Insidious Impromptu News Conference Of Death & Damnation

Have you ever woken up in the morning and the first though you have is that you really want to pick a fight? I have many times and today I decided the person I was to pick a fight with would be the one and only Donald Trump. I ,along with the rest of the American people , have been bombarded by Donald Trump on television, printed interviews/articles in newspapers and magazines alike, Twitter, Youtube, and even radio. I must be clear I hate Donald Trump politically and personally as he is an extremely shitty person to begin with. Now why, or for what reason do I dislike Trump so highly?
Donald Trump looks quite similar to the past 44 presidents (excluding Obama obviously). He dresses in expensive high end suits worth thousands, predominately wears red or blue ties, is a 70 year old white man, and has a rather large belly. That is where the similarities end. Trump’s unique physical characteristic being found in his ungodly fake spray tan that leaves him looking like he has the worst case of jaundice in recorded history. The second primary physical characteristic is his hair which has remained a mystery for so long it can finally been called the 8th wonder of the world.
As for Donald Trump’s personality characteristics they are truly deplorable as he seems to have a Pandora’s box of bad behavior. Trump is a narcissist of Freudian proportions who’s extreme ego borders on megalomania. Also, for being completely ignorant of the American political system, Trump is over opinionated as well as ruthlessly aggressive on every front and every platform because his unquenchable thirst for power and control are unparalleled. For a president, Trump seems ignorant of the issues and takes every negative comment as a personal attack upon his character. Trump’s immature attitude has him tweeting like a tween and seems to cater to his child-like mentality that causes him to have terrible tantrums reminiscent of a 2 year old. Trump also is a sexist who’s views are almost on par with pedophilia. He is a closet racist and blatant anti semite. Trump is not only rude and insulting, but he always remains unapologetic as he points his finger at anyone but himself.
I just so happen to live in Florida and am located so geographically close to Trump’s Mar-a-Lago mansion that when I saw he was due for another visit I decided this was my chance. I drove to the Palm Beach Post newspaper headquarters down in West Palm Beach to meet up with a buddy of mine that works for the paper. He hooked me up with an official press pass and credentials which (unless you were in the know) made me look like a legitimate reporter. I then made my way to the Trump National Golf Club also located in Mar-a-Lago where Trump was due to throw an impromptu press conference. I strolled past the news truck barricade parked directly out front and past the handful of reporters shooting pre news conference pieces. I entered the club’s front door where a large security man who scowled at my press pass before ordering me through a metal detector. On the other side of the metal detector I was met by another rather large looking security man who gave me a pat down that was so intense it was more like a massage. I made my way into the conference room and managed to finagle my way into the 2nd row front and center where I waited for my prey to enter the room.
It didn’t take long before the rest of the press personnel were herded into the conference room like cattle. About a minute later Donald Trump entered from behind a curtain lazily wandering over to the podium as he smiled with self satisfaction. Once behind the podium Trump proceeded to slowly scan the room from side to side with his classically vacant stare. The conference was a fiasco and made little to absolutely no sense at all as Trump dodged questions, made false allegations and rambled on about subjects that weren’t addressed in the news conference. After 45 minutes or so Trump finally wound down his inane diatribe and opened the floor to questions. This was my opening because to fight Donald Trump your best weapon is Donald Trump. All one has to do to pick a fight with Trump is to say anything remotely critical about him and he launches himself into a terrific tirade which surpasses self defense. He then plunges head first into full on attack mode.
By the time fourth or fifth question had been asked Trump was already leaning aggressively forward over the podium his face flushed with outrageous anger. Trump’s facial features had twisted and contorted into an insane mask of rage filled disgust and endless contempt. He was cracking quickly and I knew it was now or never. I raised my hand and was lucky enough to have him call upon me.
I simply asked the president how he plans to make America great again if his bartenders at Trump’s Bar and Grill couldn’t even make a proper cocktail? Without pausing for a millisecond I continued by explaining. A patron of his eating establishment photographed a $22 gin martini because it was served in wine glass filled with a generous handful of ice. I was some unknown brand of gin, and had a very weak looking olive.
This was the straw that broke the Donald’s back as it were. Trump started waving his hands in the air like a demonically possessed air traffic controller screaming at the top of his lungs that in fact, the world has been making martinis wrong, and Trump’s bar staff actually know the correct recipe. Thats when the shit really hit the fan as they say.
Trump’s private security burst open the conference room doors with the force of an atom bomb and came charging in like rabid bulls. Unfortunately the private security team had had a miscommunication issue as to what was happening and who they were supposed to subdue. This miscommunication led Trump’s private security personnel to engage in an all out fucking fist fight with the Secret Service who too where there for the protection of the president. Steve Bannon appeared out of no where holding a copy of “Mien Komf” which he immediately started reading in German. I wanted to punch Bannon in his white nationalist fat fucking face, but I didn’t want my hand to stink of cheap whiskey, sweat and nazi for the rest of the day. Mike Pence, being the giant pussy that he is, had been methodically backing up since the opening of the Q and A to the curtain behind the podium, which he now utilized to hide with only his expensive Italian loafers poking out from the bottom. Reporters scrambled to defensive positions tripping over each other’s camera cords, and misplaced chairs in an attempt to capture as much footage as possible. Kellyanne Conway showed up to pander to the remaining cameras and reporters jumping around like a jack rabbit on crystal meth. Kellyanne was trying in vain to convince the reporters that this was not a riot of any kind, BUT it was a rally born of over exuberance, love and support for Trump. This over exuberance had caused a spontaneous outbreak of fanatical joy and sincere celebration. Moments after appearing on the scene Kellyanne was struck violently on the top of her head in the misguided attack by a Trump supporter armed with a confiscated boom microphone. The boom microphone crashed down upon Kellyanne’s skull with such brute force it split her head in half in a volcanic explosion of blood. Kellyanne’s body wavered a second with her eyes still blinking in such a way it was reminiscent of a Hammerhead Shark before collapsing lifelessly on the floor. Just then I spotted the one person I hate worse than Donald Trump, the British journalist Milo “I will say anything or back anything outrageous for attention” Yiannopoulos who is employed by the GOP to run interference using the most vile propaganda to distract the public from the president. Milo was dressed in a British school boys uniform to accommodate his latest travesty of defending, exuding and virtually promoting pedophilia. My attention was drawn to Yiannopoulos. He was fleeing franticly towards the fire exit at the back of the room when he got knocked flat on his back by an improvised nazi salute from Bannon. I ran over to Milo and informed him I was the vice president of NAMBLA (may all members of NAMBLA be castrated and left to bleed out)and I was here to help him escape. Once Milo was on his feet again I led him to the center of the conference room directly under the industrial fan that was humming like monster truck engine.
Once we were positioned under the gigantic fan I bent down, grabbed Milo behind his legs under his buttocks, and hoisted him strait up into the fury of the fan blades. The fan blades turned Milo’s head, arms and upper torso into minced meat with a shower of blood, bone and body parts raining down upon the entire room. I dropped Milo’s mutilated and mangled carcass and looked back at Steve Bannon. Bannon had worked himself into such a fury he had triggered a massive fucking heart attack. His face as white as his KKK hood, sweating like a pig at the slaughtering house, gasping for air and clutching at his heart with his right hand while still kept on reading. Seconds later Bannon dropped to his knees, explosively shit his pants and fell over dead as a door nail, and his eyes looked like 2 fucking blowfish due to Bannon’s extremely insane blood pressure right before death. The chaos was reaching a climax when I realized if I believed in self preservation this was time to make my exit. Trump’s security had surrounded him and were ushering him out the door with great difficulty because Trump kept stopping to turn around and yell ridiculous claims such as this was a media plot to destroy and discredit him, this is part of the Liberal agenda, this was in all reality fake news, the electoral college, the boarder wall, molesting women, his bank account, Putin and how it was mother Russia marrying father America, questioning Obama’s birth certificate, China hackers that plagued the election, hair care, tanning tips, advertisements for Trump Towers/ Trump casino’s/Trump Hotels, unifying America, Rosie O’Donell, preaching he never once went bankrupt, the annoying planes that fly over his mansion, tweeting, and vast voter fraud. I ducked and weaved my way to and fro, out the conference room door into the foyer. As I made a beeline for the club’s front door I saw radio personality and Trump lover Alex Jones standing in the middle of the foyer like he was the eye of a hurricane. Jones was spouting Trump propaganda and undying support for him, like a deranged circus barker. I couldn’t resist so I got in front of him and when he opened his mouth for another decree I rammed my microphone into it, and then proceeded to jam the microphone as far as humanly possible down his throat into his esophagus rendering Jones silent as well as dead the mic cord hanging out the corner of his mouth like a wayward piece of spaghetti.

As I strode towards my car drenched in blood I thought to myself what a wonderful little riot that was.