Tag: HOA

Text-A-Rama: Another Round of Absurd Insanity

Yup you got it I’m here to dish up another heaping helping of Late Night Texting (between SpaceDog and My self) served Insanity Side Up with a side of Shit Talking.

SpaceDog: Also you can add “hey Goggle, fuck off” to the list of Fucks. So i either have a broken heater or my upstairs neighbor has the loudest vibrator known to man. Overtime i hear the loud buzz i turn up my tv as loud as possible (or music) and no matter what after 10 minutes it goes away. What the fuck could it possibly be if not the heater making the bitch of a buzz noise? My heater has not ran as further reference.

Les: I agree fuck Google, fuck’ed straight to the 9th circle of Hell for all I fucking care, search shit engine. What kind of heating do you have exactly I don’t remember from my visits. My brain is like a fucking Old Car. Its still runs but it takes a few minutes to warn the hell up. Dunno did you change the Filter?

SpaceDog: Baseboard like a basehead. isn’t basehead the original crackhead?

Les: Oh well fuck the filter idea. LMFAO. Yeah before crackheads were baseheads. Its the fucking evolution of Crack Cocaine! Before crack people freebased combining Cocaine and Baking Powder into a smokable form of powder. Richard Pryor set himself on fucking fire free basing.

SpaceDog: Probably the fuck not they don’t do shit around here.

Les: Been there and I had to fucking pay an HOA quarterly for doing DICK. Home Owning Assholes.

SpaceDog: Yo these asses left the sprinkler on during a nor easter which wouldn’t have been bad but it was set to go off so it would pound against my windows every 4 hrs for 15 minutes. I had to go out in the rain climb through bushes, throw the sprinkler into the lawn, wade threw bushes and mud and shut the fucker off.

Les: What kind of dumbfuck leaves the sprinkler during a fucking nor Easter?! Even if the sprinkler timer is pre set they could hit the kill switch or some shit to shut it down. Goddamn thats a bunch of unnecessary horseshit. I’d be pissed as hell too. Who needs that shit.

SpaceDog: So like literally after i get this urge to write in the silence my apartment is making all kinds of noises. LOL. I have not wanted to sit in silence since i stopped living with Eon 8 fucking years ago. In other news, the top breaking news tonight is Kanye realized he was being used by Donald and is staying away from politics. Lmfao

Les: Trump played Kanye the way Kim Jong-un played fucking Dennis Rodman LMFBO!!! Kanye is the African American’s answer to Alex “Asshole” Jones. Holy Fuckster 8 years is a fucking Prison sentence. EON A-LA-CRACKHEAD with a guitar, the coffee house crackhead cunt.

SpaceDog: Kanye the past 2 years is like Clint Eastwood talking-to that chair for 2 years straight.

Les: Lmfbo true. I want to see a fight between Charlie”Tigers Blood” Sheen Vs. Kanye “Dragon Energy” West.

SpaceDog: Hey u discovered any good way to make things disappear from continue watching on Netflix? I wish i could relabel this section Things That Suck Ass and Baited Into Subtitles because all you lazy fucks translated was the title.

Les: No I wish I had. Baited into subtitles LOL! I’ve seen foreign movies on Netflix with NO Subtitles or Over Dubbing so if you don’t speak the language your outright fucked. Working on a List of Fucks part 2. There were so many more Lmfao.

SpaceDog: Didn’t realize there were that many more.

Les: I didn’t either until I started thinking about “Fuck….” all over again.

SpaceDog: So hopefully i don’t sleep tonight as long as yesterday. I slept from 11:30 pm to 5 pm. Ok i got coffee at 7 and that kept me awake till 9 but thats a bit more sleep than i’d prefer.

Les: Sounds like you have Rip Van Winkle Syndrome or some shit.

SpaceDog: I feel like i have either strep, Legionaries or mono.

Les: Perhaps Narcolepsy or a bad bout of boredom Lmfbo!

SpaceDog: Walking pneumonia is another possibility.

Les: Thats Sucks Snail Scrotum. Being sick sucks Blue Whale Balls for sure. Goddamn disease. Fuck disease.

SpaceDog: Grocery shopping when sick sucks ass. I literally went down every aisle and realized all that was in my cart were peppermints.

Les: I might think about hitting up a fucking doctor just in case. better safe than dead. YOLO Peppermints riding SOLO!

SpaceDog: I have 3 antibiotics laying around. Was thinking of taking copra but idk why 1 tbh. My sickness started when i started hearing that noise. Go figure. Woo hoo i have a porn app on my phone I’m officially an old perv.

Les: Porn App you dirty old fucker, you use an app?! I just hit up Youporn on my phone if need be.

SpaceDog: Its android only ask file from videos.com

Les: PornHub Ve. YouPorn. Stumpfucker Films is all Amputee Porn.

SpaceDog: Im finally out of mental and penile anguish from seeing a prolapsed butthole.

Les: Dear fucking God thats a seriously fucked up thing to see, burns into your fucking brain forever.

SpaceDog: Can we make a show for Netflix? I mean if haters back off was a show why can’t i just go around filming ivy savage all day?

Les:Where the hell did you see some sick shit like that at?!! Netflix is a good fucking question you got me there.

SpaceDog: I really just want to see a rim job but whatever fucking site i was on i guess i included too many search words and boom it was all hanging the fuck out.

Les: Case of Mangled Rectal Trama. Can you take a shit with a prolapsed asshole?! What if you tied 2 prolapsed rectums together?! Can you blow it up like a fucking balloon animal?!

SpaceDog: Not just like oh your asshole is swollen from a hard fuck, no i mean i probably saw prostate. Idk I’m glad i didn’t have that picture in my head when the lady at hurry back inn told me about her reversed bowels 15 years ago.

Les: Reversed Bowels?!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT?! Lmfba!

SpaceDog: I miss Leonard’s

Les: Leonard’s? Bloody Stool is my new favorite band.

SpaceDog: The bar on Crocker rd in Spamilton that was near my parents house.

Les: Oh OK I have no memory of that bar, then again I don’t remember a whole hell of a lot from most bars.

SpcaeDog: Its some pizza bar now. I don’t miss the other bar on that street. All i remember is it was the first time in my life i incited an angry mob. The other were at mcguinns and at the lottery ticket machine.

Les: Lmfao what the hell was the angry mob thing about because it sounds entertaining.

SpaceDog: Which One? LOL

Les: Any and all of Course.

SpaceDog: Was so crunk i thought i was at a gay bar and got catty at some random dude and he took it as fighting words, then started shit with a different dude. Mcguinns got kicked out for being overly intoxicated but stole 3 cell phones on the way out (pre smartphone era)

Les: Catty and Crunk sounds like a fucking crime tv cop buddy detective shows from the fucking 70’s.

SpaceDog: Lottery machine i stuck money in the scan winning ticket hole and the machine went completely dead with a line of like 30 people behind me. Machine went completely dead for 5 minutes but then took 5 more to reboot.

Les: Why the hell did it need to Reboot?!

SpcaeDog: Quite possibly the 10 longest sober minutes of my life. Took a hammer to them after not finding any kompromat on them.

Les: Thats a real Lottery Machine Motherfucker.

SpaceDog: I aslo lost a sneaker in mcguinns so i came home with 1 shoe. Like hell i was going back for it though LOL

Les: LOL think we have all been there with the coming home drunk to sober up with one less shoe. Fuck and No I wouldn’t have gone back for it either.

SpaceDog: That literally was the only time i walked solo to mcguinns. I was more a crystal diner take teenage boys in the bathroom to do shots with me.

Les: a Bathroom Bar. Sounds like Ye Old Crystal Diner. I knew it well. Used to go there with The Arminian, Eon, and Homicidal Hippy when we were dealing drugs together.

SpaceDog: Its the route 1 diner now. Not 24 hrs. Shittsville has zero 24 hrs shit now. Quite possibly the only WaWa gas station on Earth that closes.

Les: Last time I went to the Crystal Diner I ran into Jack Off Jimmy V who tried to be a condescending cunt and get in my face for being stoned as well as drunk, and I was all I used to be your fucking drug dealer you bitch ass bitch. What Jimmy didn’t know is though we hadn’t seen each other in several years I still knew the shit that happened to him i that time the dumb twat. I informed him I knew of his addiction to Tart heroin followed by rehab and then a full scale metal breakdown (schitzophrenia I think)SO FUCK THAT JACK OFF.

SpaceDog: Yeah judgey people suck. Thats pretty fucking funny.

Les: What?! No longer open 24 hrs and with a cliche stupid ass name that really fucking sucks. RIP Crystal Diner a True Dive Diner.

Les: This Fucks list part 2 is actually longer than the original. Lmfao! Original word count was 1,063. Part 2 word count is 1,255.

SpaceDog: Are there repeat fucks or original fucks only?

Les: Don’t think there any repeats, hope fucking not. Its hard to keep count it gave me a fucking migraine but i HATE doubles, it looks like your stacking the deck and bullshit like that.

SpaceDog: Yeah i sure as all hell don’t feel like counting. Reading the first list of fucks was exhausting and made me feel dirty.

Les: Lmfao Exactly. I figure if there just so happens to be a repeat no one will every notice unless they have some serious fucking OCD. Also .49 cent Sushi is My Wife’s new favorite band. I just created a word SLUNT. Definition: A Slutty Cunt.

+End Transmission+

Thanks for Reading,

Brought to You By,

 SpaceDog

 Les Sober

HOA’s The Legal Mafia

For those who are lucky enough not to know what the hell an HOA is allow me to explain.

What does HOA stand for?

It stands for Homeowners Association.

The History of HOA’s: HOA’s started very simply. Everyone who has or hasn’t owned a house is aware there is always a neighbor who’s a complete shit, and their house/yard reflects this shitty attitude. You know the house with the over grown lawn, mattress on the porch, car or some major household appliance rusting away in the yard etc. point being their house looks like a true dump. HOA’s used to be a basic agreement amongst the residents of a neighborhood that everyone should maintain their houses and lawns in a proper and respectable manner. If a neighbor’s house started to look shabby then the other residents would address it with the owner to resolve the said situation.

What Happened then to make HOA’s so detestable?

Thats an easy answer what happened was basic human behavior. People have a great knack for taking something simple and good and bastardizing it to death until its complicated and a MASSIVE pain in the ass. Homeowners self policing evolved under the force of human behavior into having HOA boards with Presidents (and vice presidents, treasurers and the like), childish elections, moronic monthly HOA meetings (imagine a town hall meeting where everyone is clinically insane and hopped up on Bath Salts.), idiotic infighting, and bullshit newsletters. Again we learn peoples desire for power makes them act like bastards and if they get a modicum of power it goes straight to their fucking heads, and thats not all by a long shot. The HOA has given themselves the right to dictate such things as what color you can paint your house, the type of front door you can have, if you can fly a flag, when you can water your lawn, demand you replace your roof at their discretion, demand that you paint your house again at their discretion regardless of peoples personal finances (example a new roof cost between $15,000 to $17,000 so most people plan to reroof years ahead of time so they can save up the money needed. Its a real fucker to have some asshole tell you out of the blue that you have to reroof your house immediately or else.)

Can I avoid buying a house without an HOA?

In most cases no unless you want to live in the shitty ghetto at the corner of Crack and Heroin because the neighborhoods are such utter shit no one living there gives a damn about petty shit they just want to stay alive. The other place you can buy a house without an HOA is the middle of the fucking boonies where there so few fucking people no one cares because out in the sticks there houses not neighborhoods.

HOA’s gave themselves the power to demand quarterly payments under the pretense that all the dues collected will go to the betterment of the neighborhood like repaving parking lots, roof repair, and landscaping to name a few. Not only that but if you are in violation of the set rules the HOA can fine you (usually $100) every day until you fix the issue at hand. HOA’s also have the self appointed authority to put a lean on your house if things get batshit crazy outta control as it were.

HOA is Legal Extortion. If I buy a house in a certain neighborhood why should I have to pay them quarterly? Thats a play right out of organized crime’s handbook. You see if a new store opens in a particular Mob family’s territory then the shop owner has to pay “Protection Money”. If a shop owner refuses to pay  the Mob will destroy their business, make their (along with friends and family) lives miserable, beat up/ torture the owner, and possibly murder them. All this because of the geographical location alone.

There 2 types of HOA’s The HOA Nazis and The HOA Do Nothings.

The HOA Nazi’s patrol the neighborhood daily looking for infractions of the mandated rules of the HOA. They are brutal and extremely judgmental. They believe they are superior to their neighbors and enforce the rules as forcefully as they can over the smallest infraction. They write nasty fucking letters, set high daily fines for offenders, lecture about “Those Neighbors” (those who didn’t comply) at HOA meetings reminiscent of Adolf Hitler’s speeches in tone and intensity. They are hated and disposed by the rest of their neighborhoods.

The HOA DO Nothings collect they dues BUT don’t use them to improve a damn thing. They do the absolute base minimum and they do that begrudgingly. They are lax on the rules (so you can get away with shit like having 2 dogs when the HOA rules say only one dog not to mention the HOA decides what breed and size of said dog) but theirs a lot more childish drama. At one point my HOA meetings got so emotionally intense the local Police were present to keep order. The bitch about Do Nothing HOA’s is they change their minds more than parents change their new born baby’s diapers. The only fucking thing my current HOA is responsible for is maintaining/ replacing the roofs. Well they just sent me a bullshit letter stating that for the next 7 years they are instituting an ADDITIONAL $500 payment because they are going to replace the roofs. My point is this why the fuck should I pay them an additional $500 when I already pay them quarterly AND THAT MONEY (from the quarterly payment) IS FOR PAYING FOR NEW ROOFS, thus I’m being double billed if you will. There is a SHIT LOAD more infighting amongst the board members resulting in raucous HOA meetings and TONS of bullshit letters because they have much more free time than the HOA Nazi’s.

In Summation HOA’s are fucking unAmerican and operate on the principles of extortion. HOA’s only have power because they gave it to themselves and everyone else instead of calling bullshit bitched about it and then complied. I have no fucking idea why neighborhoods don’t unite and dismantle their HOA’s. HOA’s are comprised off cranky, over opinionated, better than you, mean, depressed, vengeful, nosy, moronic, idiotic assholes who get their rocks off with the power they get being on the HOA board. FUCK EVERY HOA AND EVERY BOARD MEMBER. It’s the fucking American dream to buy your own home, but now with unnecessary HOA policies and institutional horse shit can crap all over your dream, extort money from you, harass you constantly, spy on you, and fine you or even putting a fucking lean on your dream home. The entire HOA system is as corrupt as any government on the fucking planet.

Good News I’m moving in a couple of months to a different state and managed to buy a house WITHOUT AN HOA and I can’t be fucking happier.

HOA should stand for Huge Outrageous Assholes because thats who runs them.

 

 

A Catalog Of Humanity (Respectable Version)

The line of movie patrons shuffles forward to pay $20 for the latest CGI travesty,
The mother locked in the eternal battle to control her wildly unruly children as they run around her in circles laughing, yelling in excitement and screaming at disappointment,
The aging 30 somethings that chase trends to help them feel young and relevant,
Hipsters dressed like lumberjacks stand face to face like giant bookends each holding a vaporizer the size of a laptop, and blowing copious amounts of vapor in massive clouds that envelop their entire person upon exhaling,
The homeless man’s faithful dog who waits patiently outside the liquor store as his master pops in to buy a cheap bottle of booze,
The Grocery store bag boy who’s happy to be on cart duty as it allows him to utilize his cell phone,
The Millennial who almost runs a woman over in his massive SUV because he was preoccupied posting what he ate for lunch on FaceBook,
The Latino landscaper hanging outside the check cashing store waiting to cash his paycheck after a long and laborious day that has left him reeking of roofing tar,

The teenaged boy dressed in all black and sporting a bright red mohawk holding the door open for a little old lady proving chivalry is not only alive, but can be found in the unlikeliest of people,
The shrunken old man and his tinier wife who walk to their local diner everyday for breakfast,lunch and dinner for the past 42 years,

The withered old woman wrapped in countless shawls and blankets being pushed by her home health aid as the women rants about how when she was young a world like todays would never have been allowed to exist,
The small child fighting in vain to coax his bulldog to stop sitting stubbornly in the grass to get up and finish their walk to no avail.

The bulldog sitting in the grass without a care in the world sunning himself in the mid day rays as he continues to refuse to acknowledge his child master as he stairs vacantly into bulldog oblivion,
The ragged Tomcat that saunters through the neighbor hood with his large head and giant jowls fully believing himself to be the king of his suburban kingdom,

The sinister senior citizen on the board of the local HOA standing at the end of his driveway glowering in disgust at his neighbor’s lawn for being half an inch too high,
The baby with his family dining out in a noisy chain restaurant that refuses every attempt by her parents to get her to eat because she is severely overstimulated her wide eyes of wonder scanning over her brand new world,

The cashiers that looks like their job has left the bodies lifeless transforming them into mindless drones dragging merchandise across the loudly beeping scanner eyes half shut,

The undying commitment of the college student trying to raise money for a local soup kitchen as he is overlooked by people passing by him on the sidewalk feigning ignorance at his presence, The high school student who is dragging her feet on the way home because her parents know nothing of youth today,

And at the end of they day they go their way as I go mine,
And tomorrow we all will be back fulfilling our daily routine,
And we will see each other again the next day as well,
And we will continue to live our lives side by side never acknowledging one another.