Welcome to Wednesday’s FYB post with none other than I Justin Sane. The holidays are a hellish consumer driven commercialist blitzkrieg of chaos and cash, and yup its that time of fucking year so JOY OH JOY. In addition to the end of the year lunacy Les recently took on a major fucking project and has been working himself towards certain insanity. So he nor Otto (who is being more of a moody fuck than usual) had anything planned for todays post and that’s where I come in with today’s post featuring the Animated Short I CAN COUNT TO THREEby The Mighty Animator known as MeatCanyon!
I CAN COUNT TO THREE is one of many various parodies that MeatCanyon has done since he seems to get a guine kick out of doing them. I CAN COUNT TO THREEis a parody of the British preschool animated tv series Peppa Pig by Astly Baker Davis. The series star is an animated female Pig named Peppa who is happier than a motherfucker and positive as fuck. In MeatCanyon’s parody Peppa is unexplainably transformed into some sort of monstrously demonic murderous mutant. The now evil Peppa proceeds to kill and consume her husband, and then promptly chases down her 2 kids who she also precedes to murder and devour 1 by 1. All the while as the violent bloody gore plays out there is a narrator who is using the horror show as a lesson to teach preschoolers on how to count to three.
It’s important to note there is a remake of the MeatCanyon’s original also titled I CAN COUNT TO THREE titles Peppa Pig Horror Shorts and Creepy Blood Violence Gore which has a shorter runtime and far less narration (also the animation is different in the remake). I have no clue who is behind this reboot but I know whoever the fuck they are they are fucking idiots and total assholes. Who asked them to fuck with I CAN COUNT TO THREE in the first fucking place? ALSO be sure to watch the entire video since MeatCanyon himself makes an appearance directly after the video where he addresses the topics of Instagram, Mark Zuckerberg, and Twitter among other things.
WARNING: This Video May Be Disturbing To Some Viewers. The Following Video Contains Scenes Of Violence, Bloodshed, And Gore. There We Covered Our Asses Just In Case.
Well We are Finally getting Our shit together since We got clusterfucked in-between a fucking a Surreal Road Trip and the Thankless Toils of the Thanksgiving Holidays. I’m currently working on a Post pertaining to the Aforementioned Road Trip, but it’s Slow Going since it’s such an Infuriating Story I have to take frequent breaks so I don’t Actually Punch My Computer Screen. That aside I felt the need to Address the Utter Nonsensical Onslaught of the so called Holiday Season in the Meantime. To Keep some sort of Order and Assemble some sort of fucking Sanity I will be Using the FYB Tried and True Bullet Point Format.
Pre Show Prep: My Wife and I have been Drafted over the Recent Years into the Unwelcoming Ranks of Holiday Responsibilities and Assorted Bullshit. So this Includes the Relentless Cleaning Up the House in Preparation of the Forthcoming Company. This obviously makes fucking Sense, and We have No Qualm with Doing. The Problem is My Micro Managing Obsessive and Franticly Stressed Mother who can make You Feel like You’re Losing Your goddamn Mind since Her Anxiety is fucking Infectious. She whips Herself up into a fucking Frenzy Running around like a fucking Lunatic starting Numerous Projects Simultaneously while Simultaneously Finishing None of Them. It’s what We unaffectionately refer to as My Mother’s Manic Host Mode where She acts like Her Life and Reputation is Teetering on the Brink if Her House isn’t Absolutely Spotless and has been Cleaned to the Highest Hospital Standards.
The Funny thing is It’s just Family Who are the Mellowest and Undemanding House Guests You can Have for fuck’s sake. My Mother seems to be Operating under some delightfully Demented Assumption that if The Family Arrives to find even a Single Speck of Dirt on the Bottom Stair (leading up to the Front Porch) It’s All Over in an Instant. As if My Fellow Family Members would Cast a Disgusted eye Upon the Psec of Dirt, Turn Around on Their Heel, March back to Their Cars, Lod up, and Yell before Speeding Off into the fucking Distance “WHAT A FILTHY HELLHOLE! SERIOUSLY FUCK YOU GUYS AND YOUR PIG STY! WE WILL NEVER SET FOOT ON THIS SOIL AGAIN AND WE DISOWN EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU DISAPPOINTING AND FILTHY FUCKERS!!!” It’s Insanity Incarnate.
THE KIDS: The Two Boys are Still just Shy of becoming Teenagers and as So were Willing to Speak and Interact with Us on a Consistent Basis during the Trip. Meanwhile Their Sister being 16 Years Old is Undoubtedly a Full Blown fucking Teenager. She had Her Face in Her Phone the Entire fucking Time because Her Life currently is all About Socializing and Friends, Friends, and More fucking Friends! I do have to give Credit where Credit is Due for Her Part She refrained from being the Classic Anti-Social Hormonal Horror Show Three Ring Circus of Bullshit. The Trip was Free from Conflict, Argument, Hissy fucking Fits, Screaming/Yelling, Door Slamming or Anti Adult/Authority “I am My Own Person” Self Indulgent Self Righteous Sixteen Year Old Psychodrama. So That Was A Pleasant Surprise.
The Reservation Situation: My Mother being from an Older Generation is still totally Hung Up on the Restaurant Reservation Scenario. The Problem is that Unless it’s some Super Trendy Fine Dining Hipster Restaurant or Perhaps an Old School Steak House Throw Back Dinosaur then You Don’t actually need a Reservation. Unfortunately as Time Evolved and Moved on My Mother Did Not budge an Inch. So One Night We were going out to Eat and Automatically My Mother becomes Fixated as Fuck on the Fact the Place Didn’t Take Reservations, BUT where Kind Enough as to make Note that a Party of 10 was Headed Their Way (I assume this was complete horseshoe to placate the Madness that is My Mother. Also I don’t Blame Them a Bit since My Mother is well let’s say Intense and Leave it at That.
As We are Driving to Said Restaurant My Mother goes into Panic Mode when My Cousin Texted “Do we need a reservation?” and that’s all it Took for My Mother to Head for the Races. The Next thing We know My Mother has Engulfed Everyone in the fucking Car into Her Web of Sheer Madness as We all Scrambled to Solve the Situation (aka Attempt Get My Mental Mother to Calm the Hell Down). Finally the whole Reservation Hullaballoo died Down Five Minutes before We got to the Restaurant. Just for the Record the Drive was 42 Minutes Long and it took only Two Minutes before My Mother got Triggered by the Innocent Reservation Question. That Means the Reservation Dilemma essentially lasted the Entire Fucking Ride.
Once We Enter the Resturant even though it’s 8:30 on a Saturday Night was like a Scene from a Shitty B Comedy Movie was Empty as Empty could be. The Only other fucking People there besides Us are the fucking Staff. That’s it just Us and the Boarded looking Staff After all the Old School Reservation busllshit Versus the New School No Reservation Needed the place Didn’t have a Single other Customer. It was so Dead in there I honestly felt fucking Bad for the Poor Waitress who just so Happened to Be the Nicest, Professional, Personable, and Kickass All Around Waitress I have Even Encountered. The way I figured it She was Financially fucked since Working at this Particular Restaurant was making Her a Damn Thing, or She was One of the Working Poor who had Several Restaurant/Food Service Jobs just to be able to Scrape By. All I hope is She finds a Better and More Lucrative Job then the Graveyard of a Restaurant where She is currently Employed.
Litter Patrol: We live so Far Out in the fucking Middle of Nowhere USA that We Don’t have Trash Pick Up so No Garbage Men/Women or Trash Day. Instead We have to Haul Our own Stinky Shitty Trash down to the Town Dump (Which is Actually just a Parking Lt with a Bunch of Dumpsters line up Designated for Different Shit (Example: Plastic, Yard Waste, Metal Etc.). One of the Unfortunate Side Effects of this and People be Lazy as Fuck is there is a Real Litter Problem. Along some Stretches of Road there’s all kinds of Shit like Fast Food Containers from Places that are fucking 30-45 Minutes Away, Old Tires, Beer Cans/Booze Bottles (There so Many I swear Every motherfuckier in Town is Drunk Driving), Broken TV’s, Ratty Ass Furniture like Old Worn Out Love Seats and Shit, and a Shit Ton of Rotting Plastic Bottles.
This lead to My Mother having the Idea to Subtly Suggest that Why the Family is here that We clean up Along Some the Roads that Run Through the Vast Property. This was a Nice and Generally Well Received by All until My Mother started to get fucking pushy as Shit Pushing the Issue and Badgering Everyone. I told Her it was fucking Insane that She went fro Subtle Suggestion to Full on Demanding Compliance Immediately. First Off Not everyone Agreed to Help which was Fine and Expected, but then My Mother got bent because My Cousin wouldn’t Allow the Boys to go Out and Collect Trash on the Side of the Road because it would be Dangerous. She was and is Absolutely right on that one it is fucking Damn Well Dangerous.
The Speed Limit is 55 and as You can imagine People average 65 or Higher and the fact there is Only 3-4 Police Officers allows People to Drive even More like Total Assholes. Then there are Several Blind Curves which are just begging to be the Sight of a Fatal Car Accident so again Imagine People Speeding around Blind Curves would You want Your Kid Standing There Fuck No You Wouldn’t. Lastly the Road is a Main Route for Eighteen Wheeler Logging Trucks which as We all Know take Forever and a fucking Day to Slow to a Gradual Stop.
At Last My Wife, My Cousin’s Husband (looking to escape the Chaotic Confines of the House), My Mother, and I Headed Out to Help Tidy up the fucking Roadside. Now after spending 3-4 Hours Ranting, Raving, and Being a Total Dick about the Whole Thing My Mother Collected One Bag of Trash in 15 minutes and Then Declared She was Tired and Done. The Three of Us remained and Managed to Pack 22 Trash Bags to the fucking Gills with Roadside Garbage. Not too Shabby for damn Near Forced Labor.
The Getting Ready Dilemma: This is the Asinine bullshit that I Hate the Most out of all the Family fucking Nonsense is the Getting Ready Principle. This happens Every fucking time before Every fucking thing We plan to Do when the Family is in Town. As the Deadline Approaches Family Members mingle around Idly just Killing Time fucking with Phones, watching TV, Reading a Book (Yes some of Us still Read fucking Books so Fuck You if thats weird to You), or smoother Mindless Time Wasting Activity. The Point is this getting Ready to Leave Limbo is We aren’t even Interacting with one Another while We wait. It’s like We’re all Hanging around Some Sort of fucking Waiting room for an Appointment that’s Never Coming.
One by One Each Family Member States that They have to Get Ready and then set off to Allegedly do so. I say Allegedly because though Everyone leaves under the Presence of getting Ready to Go NO ONE actually appears to actually be getting ready. This process wastes a good 45 to 60 Minutes as Nothing gets Accomplished while People Drift Room from Room like Human fucking Jellyfish. I detest Downtime I really fucking Hate it because I get Bored Easily, and I fucking Hate Boredom with a Passion so This Aimless Lackadaisical Idiocy infuriates Me to No end. Then just like a fucking Football Game after Squandering a Good Amount of Time in the Final Minutes Everyone jumps into fucking Action. Then all of a Sudden Everyone is Ready and Walking out the fucking Door so what this all Means is They can get Ready in a Timely Manner, but They Delay and Dawdle away a Hour for No fucking Reason Whatsoever. I simply Cannot get My Head Around Such Drivel.
Game Night Without The Kids: On One Particular Night the Kids went to Visit some of Their Other Relatives leaving the Adults Alone for the Evening. After the Drinks Started Flowing My Wife Suggested Breaking Out the Game Cards Against Humanity since We were Kid Free, and It’s I think We can All Agree Not a Game for Anyone Under 18 Years of Age (Some May Argue No One Under 21 Years Of Age). For those Who are Not Familiar Cards Against Humanity is an Adult Party Game in Which Players complete Fill-In-The-Blanks Statements using Words or Phrases Typically Deemed Obscene or Offensive in Nature.
Undeniably the Some of the Games Appeal comes from the Fact Younger Generations get a kick out of Hearing Older Generations Curse or Use Sexually Charged Language. The Assumption made by The Younger Generations is that the Older Generation will be Utterly Clueless when it comes to the X-Rated Content. The Ironic thing is the Old Generations DO know about all the Crazy Sex shit it’s They just Don’t know what it’s Being Called Nowadays (Example: Russia used to be The Soviet Union and the USSR in its Past though its Always been the Same Geographical Location).
My Cousin’s Husband remember Playing it one Time Long Ago and was Definitely in Favor of Playing that was Until We actually Started Playing. We were about 8 minutes into the Game when He started to Regret His Initial Endorsement for Playing Cards Against Humanity in the First Place. He was Consumed by Embarrassment and Tried to Avoid dwelling on certain Topics like Describing what the Sex Toy Known as the Fleshlight was to His In laws. My Wife and I were having None of It and Informed Him once the Game started there Wasn’t any Backing Down, Sugar Coating, or Skipping Over a Single Aspect of the Game. Watching My Cousins Husband Squirm Uncomfortably Blushing with Embarrassment was the Highlight of the Game as Far as I’m Concerned.
And So this Brings Us to the End of this Pos on Thanksgiving Tensions. I wanted to End this Post a Little Different from Previous Posts So I Included the Feature Video WOODY SCREAM below to Summarize My Feelings Pertaining to the Hell of the Holidays. Now On to Christmas!
Welcome to this Week’s Installment of Short Horror Film Friday featuring BAKEMONO by by Sumire Takamatsu and Jorge Lucas who Wrote as well as Directed the Film.
What I found Interesting is the Evil Spirits in BAKEMONO are in fact Based on Hungry Ghosts.Hungry Ghosts is a Concept in Chinese Buddhism, Chinese Traditional Religion, Vietnamese Buddhism, Vietnamese Traditional Religion, Japanese Buddhism, and Tibetan Buddhism, Representing Beings Who are Driven by Intense Emotional needs in an Animalistic Way. Since the Family in the Film is Japanese I’m going to quickly Touch on Hungry Ghosts in Japanese Buddhism.
In Japanese Buddhism, Hungry Ghosts are considered to have Two Variants: the Gaki and the Jikininki. Gaki are the Spirits of Jealous or Greedy People, Who as Punishment for Their Mortal Vices. The Gaki have been Curses with an Insatiable Undying Hunger for a Particular Substance or a Specific Object. Traditionally, this is Something Revolting or Humiliating like Decaying Human Corpses or Feces, but in Recent Years it can Virtually be Anything No Matter how Bizarre it may be. Meanwhile Jikininki (People Eating Ghosts) are the Spirits of Greedy, Selfish or Impious Individuals who are Cursed After Death to seek out and Eat Human Corpses. They Feed at Night Scavenging for Recently Deceased Human Bodies, and the Food Offerings Left for the Dead. Jikininki Lament Their Curse and Hate Their Vile Craving for Feasting on the Flesh of the Dead.
Plot Summery: The Date is February 3rd, known in Japan as Setsubun, and is Supposed to be the Celebration of the Beginning of Spring. Families Celebrate by Casting out Evil Spirits from Their Homes. Although at Ayumi’s House things have become so stressful You could Cut the Tension with a Knife. This is Due to Rebellious Ayumi who once again like so many Children is Refusing to Finish Her Dinner. In an Attempt to Remedy the Problem Ayumi’s Mother Tries to Scare Her into Compliance with a Terrifying Tale. As the Story goes if Ayumi Doesn’t Finish Her Dinner then an Evil Spirit will Enter the House and Eat it instead, But Ayumi is not Convinced that All Spirits are Evil. So Ayumi decides to test Her assumption by Inviting One in for a Midnight Snack, and Learns You should Never Feed a Hungry Ghost the Hard Way.
Welcome to Another Installment of Strange and Disturbing Videos Featuring ROBERT HELPMANN. This Series 0f 10 (Not 12 as some People Incorrectly Claim) is One Hell of a Ride so You might want to Strap in for this One Folks.
Robert Helpmann is a Youtube Channel created on July 12, 2015 which in itself is Unremarkable. What is Interest is on the Same Day The Owner(s) of the Channel Posted 10 Videos in just under an Hour after Being created, and No Other Content has Ever Been Posted Since.
The 10 Video Series centers around what appears for all Intents and Purposes to be a Dead Body Wrapped Up and Tied in Black Garbage Bags or Perhaps a Black Tarp of some sort. The Body is apparently Named Daisy (which some wonder if it’s a Reference to the saying “Pushing Up Daisies”) and the Name Daisy appears in Every Video, Video Description, and Tag. Some Viewers have Hypothesized that the Weird trend of Objects being Moved, and Spontaneously Popping into the Videos are signs that Daisy’s Spirit/Ghost is still Lingering about. Also lastly in the Daisy theme is that a Picture of a Daisy Flower is used as the Channel’s Icon as well.
The Other Person in the Videos appears every so often is a Masked Killer who is found of carrying a Large Butcher’s Knife. When He appears in Videos He actively interacts with Daisy some times Nurturing Her or Stabbing Her (Which seems redundant considering She is already Dead). The Unknown Masked Killer first appears in the Reflection of a Mirror so keep a Sharp Eye Out.
Now Detractor’s are quick to state that They believe the Videos are Staged because the Body or Daisy Isn’t the Size of a Human Adult. This is a Particularly Narrow View and a Rather Snap Assumption on Their part. I say this because simply Not All Dead People are Adults Daisy may very well be the Corpse of a Deceased Teenager, or a Juvenile, or perhaps it’s even more simply the Body of a Petite Woman.
Also Many People along the way have Speculated that there are More People Involved in the Daisy Video Series than just the Masked Killer and The Corpse. The Basis for this is whoever is the Typist for the Video Descriptions Never uses the words “I” or “Me” instead They use “We” and “Ours”.
In All the Videos in the Series at one point a Screen Flashes with what looks like randomly jumbled words, but theres more to it. If You take a screen shot of Each group of Words and Overlap them You’ll see they comprise an entire Poem. As it Turns out it’s actually Not a Poem but a Children’s Nursery Rhyme Titled The Gay Lady that was first published in the Book Gammer Gurton’s Garland of Nursery Rhymes in 1784, and is as Follows:
There was a lady all skin and bone;
Sure such a lady was never known:
It happened upon a certain day.
This lady went to church to pray
When she came to the church stile.
There she did rest a little while:
When she came to the churchyard.
there the bells so loud she heard.
When she came to the church door,
She stopped to rest a little more:
When she came the church within,
The person prayed ‘gainst pride and sin.
Oh looking up, on looking down,
She saw a dead man on the ground.
And from his nose unto his chin
The worms crawled out, the worms crawled in.
Then she unto the parsen said;
Shall I be so when I am dead;
O yes! O yes, the parson said,
You will be so when you are dead.
Here the lady screams.
The Name of the Channel Robert Helpmann if You Google it will Discover He was an Australian Actor/Dancer leading some to Believe there is a Direct Tie in. One of the things They Base this on is the Fact in the Beginning of His Career Robert Spelled His Last Name with only One N. Robert later changed the Spelling by adding the Additional N because He was a Bit Superstitious, and He didn’t want the Letters in His Name to Add up to 13. This is just the Tip of one of the More Elaborate Theories, but it Honestly the One I Found Truly Intriguing.
There’s Actually quite a Childlike Aspect to/in the Daisy Series as a Whole. Examples include one Video Titled Hide And Seek another is about being Tucked in at Night. Also there is the Description for the Video Titled Daisy Tumble it states “Don’t Worry Daisy We’ll Kiss It Better” which is How a Parent would relate to Their Child when They are Injured/Hurt.
In the Description for the Video Daisy Helps Out In The Kitchen it says “Scrumptious Meals A-Plenty!” The Word Scrumptious just Also happens to be the Name of a Family in the Iconic 1968 American Musical Adventure Fantasy Film Chitty-CHitty-Bang-Bang (Who play a Huge Role in the Film). While Robert Helpmann played Many Villains during His Acting Career including playing the Role of The Devil Four Separate Times. That Aside Helpmann’s most Famous and Well Known Role (in America and the UK) was playing the Role of the Infamous Child Catcher in Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang. Over the Years the Film has become a Part of the Holiday Tradition becoming a Classic Christmas Staple, and it’s Shown on Numerous Television Stations Every Year.
Every Daisy Video contain Music or Audio played in Reverse and in Almost Every Video it the Same Song called “Santa Claus Hides In Your Phonograph”. The Song supposed to be a Promotional Present meant to Psych Kids Up for the Holidays in the 1920’s. There are Two Exceptions and they are the Videos Daisy Unwinds along with the Video Daisy Playing. The song in those two particular Videos is Also the Same Song, but the Song is the 1925 song “I’m Gonna Charleston Back To Charleston” by The California Ramblers.
SO adding up the Channel Name, The Movie, the Songs in the Video’s, the Childlike Undertones through out, and the Fact the Book that the Children’s Nursery Rhyme has the Word “Garland” displayed prominently in its Title what Could it All Mean??? Well ask Yourself is it possible that Daisy Represents Christmas Itself? She’s Wrapped Up like a Present, When She Arrives in the First Video Everyone is Happy, and When in the Lats Video Daisy Leaves Everyone is Saddened and Distraught. This would be like the Excitement of it of Christmas Day Arriving and the Depressing Anti Climactic Following Day. You could also ask Yourself could the Daisy Videos be a Representation or Interpretation of the 12 Days of Christmas?
I personally side with Those Who Surmise that the Daisy Video Series is a Social Commentary on Christmas, and that Commentary is Christmas is Dead. The Heart of the Christmas Holiday used to be about Friends and Family and spending quality time with Both. Nowadays Consumerism has Corrupted the Holy Hell out of Christmas reducing it to just Pure Unadulterated Capitalism. In Short its Cash Over Christ as Greed has Commercialized Christmas to No End making it about Profits over People and Finances over Family. Christmas had been so Compromised by the Cash is King Mentality if Jesus did come back He wouldn’t recognize His own fucking Birthday Anymore. Christmas is the Ultimate Child Catcher.
So We at the Peak aka the Worst time of the Holiday Season being Post Thanksgiving Pre Christmas. Especially this Year since the Calendar Up and Decided to fuck Us out of a Week, and subsequently Additional Paycheck by Scheduling Christmas 3 (Not the Standard 4) Weeks from Thanksgiving. This took the Hellacious Holliday Rigamarole up a Serious Notch or Two I Didn’t Honestly think it would matter, but I was Wrong. Very Wrong.
We Apologize that New Content has been Sporadic as of Late due to The Hectic Holiday Season. We will do Our Best to Post what We can When We can between Now and The New Year. Holidays here Equal a good bit of Traveling which Only Adds to the Christmas Chaos. Posting will Resume it’s Consistency and an Increase in Content at The Beginning of the New Year on January 2nd (since We will all be Hungover like a Motherfucker New Years Day) Thank You for Baring with Us through the Horrific Holidays.
Once upon a time, I used to be that guy that would check the internet for random holidays and annoy the shit out of people celebrating them.
National Cupcake Day? Sounds good to me.
National Piss Off Your Co-Worker Day? Why limit that to one day? I did this by breathing every single day. I once got poked in the eye by a female co-worker for the simple reason of me doing my job. Got a nifty pair of goggles by that is another tale.
National Prostitutes Day- I used to celebrate this but not anymore. I don’t think I’m still for sale but I sure as hell am not crusty enough to be buying yet.
So this week I am going to proclaim National Crack Cocaine Week. I am not really sure why it should be this week. I mean Bobby Brown was born in February and Whitney Houston was born in August. The crack mayor from the 1990s Marion Barry was born in March.
So why Crack Week? Why should it be right now? All of my actions this week have led me to crack. I have not personally smoked crack in more than a decade, nor do I have any burning desire to do so. Yet if I were pulled over earlier this week by a cop I would have quite a bit of difficulty explaining myself. My truth is their fiction.
It all started so innocently. Boy meets boy. Boys get weed. Boys smoke a bong hit. Boy gets a bit too high. Boy asks what is in this. Boy gets told freebase. Boy is older than the internet so he has no clue. Innocence gone.
Boy hits a car going 2 miles per hour. Lady in other car has a hissy fit. Cops come. Boy bats his eyes and pleads innocence. Cop tells boy (me) to go fuck my friend. I say no he’s not into me. Cop says your friend wants it real bad. Friend doesn’t believe me. Cop then flicks his tongue in and out at us in a manner that reminded me of Gene Simmons. Friend believes me.
So that is my history. That is my first time. I know some of you will say freebase is not crack to which I say YOU ARE A CRACKHEAD.
Back to the present……
I had a rather unfortunate event with my glass bong last weekend. I yanked it from underneath my kitchen cabinet directly upward and destruction was upon me.
Then at the same time I somehow threw out the only screen I had for it into the garbage. I checked my two faucets. They were barren of screens. So now logic would dictate I just buy a screen with the bong but no. I just bought a bong by itself.
Then I was just down to some shake left in my bag o’ weed. So instead of going back to where I bought the bong I thought oh I should just buy some Chore Boy. In my head I remember it as not having so many holes in it. So I threw my shake in there with the Chore. It utterly failed. I did have a flashback to smoking crack, not an urge per-say, just well Chore Boy does have a unique taste on its own.
So now I’m stuck with this.
At least if a random crackhead comes out of the woods and somehow gets into my apartment they will have something useful to steal. I’m seriously considering sticking it in a bowl with 1000 pennies so they’d have another amusement. Copper for the win BABY!!!
So then this new bong had a stem I did not like. (I did not break the old stem). It was too long and thin. So I decided to execute it in my sink. I thought it would break into a million pieces but instead I ended up with this. The STEMASAURUS!!!
First off before I tear a bunch of people new assholes, I would like to extend a wish for everyone that reads this (and well those don’t too, I can’t really help if you have poor taste and haven’t read my blog yet) to have a very happy holiday season. Even if holidays are not your thing and you hate gatherings and you hate people and you hate egg nog and you hate presents and you hate jesus, please have a happy something. Even if it is your miserable death.
Now on to bigger and brighter things. Ahhhhh the spirit of the holidays. For me this means seeing a bunch of relatives which I like and dislike to varying degrees. I can handle this. Some years I hide. Some years I show up. Some years I show up and hide by the punch bowl. Blah blah blah. If there was no holiday I would live.
But this blog is not about me. I’m done serving up my life on a fuckin’ hot plate. This is about the flaws of others. If I wanted to see my own I would take my bike down by the lake and stare at myself in the deep dark waters until I thought I could see the bottom or until my blue eyes became one with the mucky goose shit.
Repentance?
Repentance can be simply defined as regret. We could throw big holy words like salvation, pennance, forgiveness from sin, rosary, holy holy polka, crucifix, and Tammy Faye Baker into it but I’m not in one of those moods. We shall stick we regret for this one but one thing before I vanquish goddish words.
I’d like to give a shout out to Jesus. Happy birthday. Although we don’t have much in common other then we both like growing beards and working with wood (oh wait that was your dad, oh wait wrong kind of wood) I would like to say Happy Birthday. I’m not quite a Christian but a lot of people really love you so you are okay with me.
Now back to the show……
There has been a disturbing trend going recently with people I know. Between oh about Halloween and Thanksgiving a lot of people I know got all fat and happy. Chocolate here, disappearance there, cranberry here, asshole there.
Well these unnamed people (no I’m not talking about anyone in my friends list or any of my friends for that matter, there are plenty of blogs to talk about you people) have decided to try and turn in their asshole card. Perhaps this is because they are good christians or atheists or jews or good people in general. No I really do not think so.
They are looking for handouts. They are looking for a cheap gift or a cheap lay or a cheap moment of zen for their past transgressions. I’ve seen it happen on more then one occasion this time of year. I have seen it on many.
The holiday most of us celebrate is Christmas people!!! It’s not confessional booth. It’s not lets make everyone rush to my good side so that I can get laid when the ball drops. Maybe that’s it. Maybe they want to get it hard in the confessional booth. I’m not really sure.
I just do not understand why people need to wait for an opportune time in order to stop being jackasses. Why do we need a holiday to be nice to someone? Why do we need specific days prescribed to us to give to others? All holidays have become corporate at least there is some religious backing to these. Well I don’t know about Kwanzaa much.
Point being. Don’t be bought for Christmas. Don’t be bought for New Years. You may go to bed with Rudolph and his red nose under the Christmas tree but you may wake up with Pinochio and his long, growing nose firmly planted inside your ass and growing. Nobody wants that kind of sex. Then Giapeto is gonna walk in and ask you to pay a dowry.
No no no.
When people stop being total douches could someone please send me a memo? Oh no wait you are sending me a text message with some bull about Santa. Happy Holidays!!!!!!
So I do not have any idea how I came across this little tidbit I thought I would share. I find most things on the internet in a very random fashion. I think I was looking up British things, or British slang, or British boys, or text messaging abbreviations or what not.
Well actually it probably was something more like looked at a porn. The guys name was chris. Looked up christmas next. Singing christmas carols to myself. What holiday is today? That timeline is a bit too structure though. Probably was more like hearing lyrics in a song which brought up a random emotion I had to look into.
Law Day????
So yes Happy Law Day! Oh and loyalty day as well. Both holidays which were put into place by President Eisenhower. While the rest of the world has festivities to celebrate International Labour Day, we have Law Day.
Apparantly our president thought that these holidays were communist in nature. The exact reasoning behind this I have no idea, however this is from the party that brought us Freedom Fries, global hatred, and the great depression. So why not try to make us different from the rest of the world??
I mean if we want to get really conservative about things maybe then we shouldn’t really be allies with England. I mean you know we did war against them in the 18th century.
Or maybe we should reverse Jim Crow or teach more intolerance to our children under the guise of religion.
Loyalty Day????
As for Loyality Day, I have nothing against this one. If it means pledge of allegiances to the flag 100 times while standing on one’s head by all means do it.
However I think this holiday is rather dumb and repetitive. Shouldn’t we be loyal everyday of the year? I mean it falls along the same lines as Mother’s Day for me. I cherish and love my mother dearly but do I really need a special day set aside for me by Hallmark to buy her a card and some flowers???? I think it just gives stupid people a reason to be an ass 364 days of the year and then suddenly swoop down in their blazes of glory like some great big hero.
Yeah, hero of the douchebags.
Recommendations
So as my recommendations for this day, there are several. First, if you think the rest of the world is wrong and that today is a communist holiday by all means bust out your law books, dress like that annoying guy in the informecials with the flag shirt on, buy some whiskey, get a mullet, and start a random witch hunt.
However if you think the rest of the world is not wrong, formulate your own minor protest along with me. Break a law. Yes! Break a law!
Please do not break a major law. I don’t need to hear on the 6 o’clock news how some moron with an IQ of 80 raped a pig to teach them a lesson about the swine flu or how some dillweed was told to break the law and decided to piss in the middle of a supermarket (but in the Depends section, I mean that the responsible thing to do).
Minor, minor, minor. Roll through a stop sign going 5. Eat one too many grapes at the grocery store (however many that is). Play your music too loud in the car. Or any other law you deem to be completely stupid that will not get you jail time or a fine.
If you lack the capacity to do this it is okay. But if you do something silly and agree with me that the rest of the world is not celebrating a communist holiday, by all means post your mini infraction here.
I plan to play my music too loud and smoke cigarettes in the car in a town where it is considered illegal to smoke in the car!!! Oh no.
If anyone has any doubt that I Love my Wife too No End Yesterday Proved it beyond any and all reasonable doubt. For those that know me what I’m about to say next is Far Beyond Bizarre, but My Wife has a variety of Holiday projects/Crafts for the kids in our Family that both required the same exact component Pine Cones. Yes I fucking went on a walk with my Wife to collect the very much needed Pine Cones.
There is a dirt road behind our backyard that separates our neighborhood from the neighborhood that neighbors ours (say the shit 5 times fast). The dirt road since it was built has been designated as a Public Road. This is due to the fact people use it for a wide assortment of reasons. Golf carts putter back down that road with little trailers filled with limbs or logs that the driver intends on dumping. There People who walk down the road doing the nature thing, kids use it to cut through between the two neighboring neighborhoods, People walk there dogs on that road, Trucks towing boats/small rv’s/ATVs use that road either to assist in getting there boat or whatever out of their backyards or as an access road to go between both neighborhoods visiting friends/family. Point being it is a rather well used road.
My Wife and I exited the backyard (deciding to leave the Our Big Backyard Dwelling Dogs at Home as walking them is a real labor of love) and proceeded down the road Pine Cone collection bags in hand. While you walk on the road you can see right into the residents backyards and can see the trails they have made to move recreational toys (ATVS, Boats Etc.). The woods separating the two said neighborhoods is like a small, narrow Triangle thats narrowest point is behind our house and as you travel the woods on both side of the road thicken to a decent degree.
After walking around five minutes I saw something on the right next to the side of the road (No not Puppies and that for those who know that reference was a different dirt road) that honestly exclaim “What The Fuck?!” it was so utterly insane for me to see. Here I must mention it is still Deer Hunting Season and what I saw lying buy the side of the road was a Deer Baiting Area. A Deer Baiting area is simply a small clearing usually near the hunters blind (A ladder with a small seat attached to the top that gives the hunter the advantage of height over their pray) and consists of only one other thing outside of a clearing, and thats Corn. Hunters can buy 25 to 50 pound bags of Livestock Corn (for animal feed, not human consumption) on the Cob which they then dump in a large pile in the clearing. The Hunter then retreats to his/her hunting blind to wait for hungry Deer to come by for a bite to eat at which point the Hunter shoots them (Not very sporting you ask me the gun toting camouflaged assholes) There was a sapling growing approximately 3 feet back from the piled corn that had a Trap Camera. They are the cameras that hunters strap to trees that have motion sensors so when anything enters the cameras view it will automatically take photos. This way hunters can see if their animals around that area worth hunting.
My first instinct was to 1) Piss all over the corn rendering it useless for baiting Deer and 2) Ironically to take my big old hunting knife and cutting the camera down. I then would of course take it with me to teach this Massive Moron that hunting SO fucking close to people is a common sense issue, and if this ignorant ass idiot doesn’t have any or is not using their common sense then I’d help them figure it out so to speak.
Now not only was it shocking to see the such monumental stupidity, but on top of hunting on a well used PUBLIC road in-between to large, populated neighborhoods (where kids play, parents do lawn work and grandparents sit on the porch throughout the lazy country days.) the Deer Baiting area was only a mere 100 feet from one of the off shoots that people use for their aforementioned recreational toys. These off shoots lead right into someones backyard or directly behind several house’s backyards as these are the established unofficial travel/transportation paths.
My Wife managed to talk me down and I left the hunters spot and gear undamaged still reeling from the sheer fucking stupidity of said hunter. We walked another several blocks down the dirt road until we inadvertently ran into the actual Hunter. At this point I must interject that I grew up in Sleezy North, spent the last 13 years in the Great Southern Swamp, and spending 10 years as a Hardcore Drug Dealing Drug Addict have been exposed to all kinds of weapons and the madness wielding them. Due to this this fact this hunter has a rifle didn’t phase me in the least. In all honestly in came down to one thing in particular and thats the “3 feet Rule” which dictates if someone one has a rifle 1) You have a knife/weapon/good with your fists 2) MORE IMPORTANTLY if your within a 3 foot radius the hunter can’t get his gun up, aimed and fired before your onto of them with your knife in their fucking neck.
The hunter emerged from the left side of the road about 15 feet infant of us and then proceeded to walk directly at us with his rifle in a resting position across his belly. I was already well pissed off so I wasn’t about to take any shit from this fuck. See Hunters are EXTREMELY TERRITORIAL and EXTREMELY PROTECTIVE of their hunting grounds. This means that if you accidentally wonder onto private land and come across the owner hunting you’ll get one of two reactions. The first if its a younger hunter they’ll be rude, agitated and loud when they inform you of your mistake. The second is if its an older hunter they will be strict but fair in that they’ll let you know they aren’t happy that you showed up on their land (especially while hunting), BUT will be polite enough not to rant and rave and will instruct you to leave their land ASAP and not return.
The hunter was a young guy, about 5′ 8″, 140-150 pounds, intensely blonde almost white hair poking out from under his hunting cap. He was cloaked in camo and was carrying a black .22 caliber hunting rifle. Like I said younger hunters can be pricks and this guy seemed to be a petty prick. No hello or anything the hunter demanded to know what we were doing. This is a PUBLIC road so as far as I was concerned he had no rights hunting or otherwise so I walked up to him stopping short of a foot from his face, and answered “Picking Fucking Pine Cones.” in my deep dead pan manner while staring intently at the hunter. No one in the Southern Country curses while in the presence of others so my barrage of foul and aggressive swearing confused the hunter who seemed to find the whole obscenity thing unnerving.
The hunter responded that we were messing up his hunting by walking down the road spooking all the possible prey that he could kill. My Wife called him out on the fact this is a PUBLIC ROAD and the Hunter looked at the ground and sort of shook his head. I jumped in and demanded to know that if we had accidentally walked onto his land then he should be able to show me the property line. I continued that I find it very strange that his family hadn’t set up signifiers along said property line allowing others to distinguish between public and private land. The usual and accepted way to do this is by Posting “Private Property: NO Trespassing, Hunting, Fishing or Dumping (garbage)” on trees approximately 15 feet apart along the ENTIRE property line. Also there bright neon ties that are fashioned around trunks off trees along the property line as another signifier of private property. Lastly since this was a road there would be a gate of some sort blocking off the part of the road that fell on private property. I asked the hunter why there was none of these and he couldn’t obviously answer being the fact he was fucking lying through his fucking teeth, and I wanted to let him know he was fucked because he couldn’t bullshit us.
I then addressed the fact that he was hunting in EXTREMELY Proximity to people that it was equal to hunting in their backyard. I then asked how the fuck he’d feel if his stupidity got a kid/person/elderly person wounded or killed because of his GROSS INCOMPETENCE. Again the hunter remained speechless. I asked if he had an actual hunting permit, what his family name was (to verify if it was in some sort of way his family’s private land) and while I was interrogating the hunter relentlessly I made sure to stand no farther than a foot away. I also made sure to stay standing to his side in his blind spot. I did this because when he looked at my Wife he had to take his eyes off me to the point where he couldn’t see me even in his peripherals, and as you may image makes people quite nervous as it did this Hunter.
I suppose they hunters plan was to try and act all authoritarian with us and try and intimidate us by bullshitting that this was his/his family private property, and that combined with a rifle in hand should have been enough to run us off if you will. Needless to say then that this was not a response he ever thought he’d get. The little shit then asks us to please leave by walking the rest of the road until it emptied into part of my neighborhood instead of back tracking which would have been a 5 minute walk for us. Some people could call me paranoid others could call me safe, but I agreed to exit the hunters way though it was a huge fucking inconvenience because I didn’t want the little shit to know where I live.
We exited the wooded road and walked all the way home. As we approached our house I had an idea. While crossing the lawn I fetched my car keys from my pocket and walked directly to my Jeep. I got in my Jeep drove it down the dirt road a few blocks and then laid on my horn like a New Yorker possessed by a insane fit of road rage insuring there wouldn’t be a single fucking chipmunk left in the wood for the hunter to hunt thus fucking up the rest of his hunting day.
Justin Sane 
By/Presented By Les Sober 
Presented By Les Sober 
Presented By Les Sober (1257IMYFFY)
By Les Sober
By SpaceDog
By SpaceDog
