Tag: home repairs

Textpocalypse 2021: SQUATTERS

I’ve said it once and I shall say it again I am a Life Long Fan of Absurdity. I suppose that’s Why I love Shows like Trigger Happy T.V., The Eric Andre Show, Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, and Little Britton. I appreciate the Fact that not Only its Absurdity Wildly Entertaining in My Opinion but it’s Also Flexible. There is the More Commonly Embraced Out Right Absurdity, and as an Example I will Use a Text I sent on Our Family Text Chain on Friday September 17th at 3:02 pm:

“Fun Fact Friday: Neanderthals discovered Time Travel. It’s a Tragedy that They do Not receive the Immense Amount of Credit They Deserve for Their Amazing Discoveries in Time-Space Travel. The Root of Reason for this is Neanderthals were Considered to be “Primitive Man” by Archeologists when that couldn’t be Farther from the Truth. This lead to Their Dismissal of the Neanderthals’s Cave Paintings Chronicling Their Research as “Just more Cave Doodles”. Now a Consideration that One must take into Account is that in all Due Favor ironically the aforementioned Archeologists were a Tad Distracted. They were rather Preoccupied with Practicing Their Bullwhip Skills, and Not Being Crushed by Large Dislodged Boulders.”

                   

This by Anyone’s Standards is Quite Obviously Not even Close to being True and that Fact is Blatantly Obvious to All. Now Absurdity Doesn’t have to be Cartoonish, Over the Top Gonzo, In Your Face, or Manic in its Approach. Absurdity can be Subtle as Hell. The Best way I can Explain it is I Wholeheartedly Believe that You can Say Anything (I mean the Craziest Shit You can Possibly Think of to Say), and as Long as You can Say it with a Straight Face and Conviction You create a Reasonable Doubt. That’s to Say the Person will tell Themselves that You were so Obviously Joking because No Way could Anyone be Serious about such an Absurd Statement. That’s when the Reasonable Doubt Starts to set in, and They Start to Subtly Second Guess Themselves. The More They Doubt the More They can’t Write the Whole Conversation Off as a Joke or One’s Odd Sense of Humor.

         

A Real Life Example of this Type of Subtle Absurdity that Rails through the Halls of Reason happened to Me the Other Day. It was 10:20 pm and I had a Free moment and found Myself thinking of Weird, Yet Unoffensive Shit to Post on My Family’s Ongoing Text Chain, and Finally decided to go with an Absurd Meme. What Happened Next was a Humorously Confused Text Exchange between Myself, My Mom, and My Aunt. Now At First I assume My Aunt Knew I was Kidding Around, but once My Mom entered the Conversation My Aunt seemed to get Confused as to what is Actually going on. As You will See even though I kept the Whole thing Going I did Start Responding with Absurder Shit Each Time. I was thinking that at Some unseen Level of Absurdity They’d Understand I was just fucking around, and the Outcome was Not what I Expected.

Here is the Aforementioned  Text Exchange:

Me: 

My Aunt: Uh oh!

Me: Dang Squatters got in the Walls Again.

My Aunt: Oops!!

My Mother: Mice! But I am getting them with the Green Bait Balls!!

Me: Excellent what works on Wall Squatters living in One’s Walls? I called Terminex, but when it comes to Pests They don’t cover Wall Dwelling Squatters. I’m going to check Reddit for possible solutions.

  (8 Minutes Later)  

Me: Well Reddit is a Total Bust. All I found was Information Pertaining to One’s Walls being inhabited by Wayward Hobos.

My Mom: If you get rid of pests in the house, you  are likely you are likely to handle those in the walls, also at the same time. Also a good pest control company should be able to check your house over thoroughly and close any openings that might be allowing entrance to birds, mice, squirrels, or other varmints…

Me: That’s Good Advice the thing that Baffles me is I may Not be the Most Observant Person, I’d like to Think I could Spot an Opening the Size of an Devious Adult Squatter. I have a Sneaking suspicion the Specific Wall Squatters are in fact Tunneling in like Mole People. Does anyone know a Good Company that can check House Foundations since if the Conniving Squatters are in fact Tunneling in to Access the Walls the Foundation Integrity may be Compromised. Also on a similar Note I’m pretty sure My Home Insurance Doesn’t cover this sort of Thing.

                   

My Aunt: No, Les, I am sure that insurance will not cover it and you are correct, they will most definitely have an impact on the integrity of the foundation if not treated…We have that problem here in Atlanta…Let me see if I can find the thread from the area and see if I can tell you who they called and what they did.

My Mom: I use Terminex, Les. I have a contract with them. They treat all pests and insects, not just termites, but you might want to check if you call to make sure they cover exclusion of squirrels, mice, bats, etc. I have had good experience with the local one. In the meantime, Les, go to the Farm Center and get some of those green balls- Ramik baits. Put a couple in a bottle lid or something under the kitchen sink in a cabinet that stays shut so your pets don’t have access. If they disappear overnight that means mice are getting them- and they go out out of the house and died. I find them very effective.

My Aunt: Crocodile Dave seems to be the one that they love here, but it seems that most of the termite companies now treat wildlife intrusion also..and try what your mom suggested, too, because according to the thread, it can be expensive..Good luck!

                   

TEXTED THE FOLLOWING MORNING:

Me: To Whom It May Concern: Last Night I had a couple of Beers and was boded so I scrolled through My Pictures on my Phone. When I saw the Absurd Meme I thought it would be funny to post here. Then I decided it be far funnier if I claimed ACTUAL Homeless People were Squatting in the Walls, thus following the Theme of the Meme. Apparently Some became confused and under the impression and thought I was eloquently describing Mice. There are No Mice or Other Pests. We have been using Terminex for 4 years and still do.

My Aunt: Well, thank goodness. I just have real estate brain, so any mention of foundation issues and my antenna goes up..glad it’s not for real!!

My Mom: Yes, you did confuse us, LES! Good to get your reassurance!

 

Thanks For Reading,

 By Les Sober 

Lazarus The Slayer of The Septic Roots

The other Day as I’m enjoying my coffee along with some Bong hits when I was informed by one of the Kiddies (a semi “affectionate” nickname I have bestowed upon our 3 Interns. Our Part Time Staff of 2, and Our 2 Full Time Employees  are referred to as the Children) informed me We apparently had a rather sudden plumbing issue. When I asked what seemed to be the particular plumbing problem was per say I was informed the Toilets were filling BUT NOT Flushing. In addition the damned Dishwasher, and the washed up clothes Washer both decided to start spouting spurts of water from the valves on the their respective walls.

This was symptomatic of 1 of 2 most possible scenarios. The First is the Main Drain was Clogged, and the Second would be an issue with The Building’s Septic System. I called our Contractor Jamison who referred me to his Plumbing Guy Lazarus Riggs who I called immediately. I had to leave a message which seriously aggravated the shit out of me as I hate waiting for anything especially if its an emergency/Immediate attention. Lazarus did call back though in a prompt and timely manner. I told Lazarus what was going on and he graciously said He’d swing by shortly and check the septic situation out (though it was raining like a motherufcker, and had been for the past 2 days, and Lazarus mentioned during our phone call that he “Didn’t particularly like getting Wet.”)

When Lazarus arrived I realized there was the minor issue of I had no damn idea where the fuck the Septic Tank actually was (We bought the Building from The Bank so not like they gave us blue prints and shit) So Lazarus armed with a 5 foot long solid steel Pry Bar deal (it looks like a giant Railroad Spike), and with it he proceeded to wonder around in suspect areas spearing the ground as He went like some Norse Viking Warrior trying to Impale Satan Himself. After searching for more than several minutes Lazarus’s mighty Steel Staff hit a Solid spot that wasn’t a Rock. Lazarus then started to feel out the perimeter of what he believed whole heartedly was the Septic Tank.

While Lazarus was working on that I mentioned that putting the Septic Tank on the side of the Building that had the most fucking Trees was a monumentally Moronic move to which Lazarus agreed. When Lazarus finally uncovered enough of the outline to the Septic Tank outlined We ran into yet another issue. Instead of building the Septic Tank vertically or Horizontally they built it on a fucking 45 degree angle diagonally. What made this plumbing abomination even more insanely idiotic was by choosing to to build the Septic Tank that was that two thirds of the actual Septic Tank was buried under a set of exterior stairs leading off the huge as hell Front Porch.

As my face quickly spiraled from slightly flushed with insurmountable irritation to borderline maroon with out of control Anger Lazarus told me we might not yet be totally screwed. As it were there were two types of Septic Tank lids one thats a simple cap that can be popped open to inspect the Septic Tank, and the other type was a Slab cover which sounds exactly like what it is. If there was a Cap Top we’d be fine and if not then it was back to the drawing board as those who like cliches would say. Unfortunately as you might imagine (as our regular readers are aware of things here always seem to go bizarrely) it wasn’t a Cap Top but the Shitty Slab Top variety.

I then asked Lazarus to hold on a minute which he was glad to do as I gave my Wife (who was at work) a call to report that We found the Septic Tank, its ridiculous location and asinine positioning as well as the dueling cap issue at hand. I did this as a curtesy because the last goddamn thing I need is my Wife coming home and seeing a pile of wood and shit because then she’d wonder what the fuck her impulsive Husband was or had been up to in her absence. She of course agreed we had to do whatever it was we had to do because leaking appliances and un-flushable toilets were un-fucking acceptable. I returned to tell Lazarus I would be right back as I was retreaving some additional tools from the garage out back to assist us in dismantling the exterior staircase. In the end all it took was Lazarus on one side with his bad ass Steel Bar and I on the other opposing side armed with a  10 pound Sledge Hammer to quickly abolish the stairs completely.

Lazarus uncovered the rest of the Slab Top and started to pry it off like some Asshole Indiana Jones loving Archeologist on a History Channel Special on the opening of some far forgotten King/Queen/Emperor’s long lost Tomb. At this point I was freaking the fuck out because I was utterly convinced the Septic Tank was completely and totally compromised, and would have to be replaced due to extensive Root Damage (to the tune of $7,000). Luckily it wasn’t quite as bad as I expected. The pipe that emptied from the Building into the Septic Tank itself was chocked up like a son of a bitch with goddamn Roots. There was also a MASSIVE ball of Roots like a cancerous Septic Tank Tumor further complicating things as it were.

Lazarus started the laborious and strenuous job of removing the Root Tumor if you will using a Hatchet, a pair of Tree Limb Cutters, a Hand Saw and a sharply nosed Shovel. I started to stack the pieces of the obliterated stairs trying desperately not to get scratched or punchered on one of the seemly hundreds of rusty old ass nails that stuck out of the wood like a metal Porcupine’s quills. Lazarus succeeded in removing all of the Big Ass Root Tumor entirely, though he did have a few doubts along the way, and he managed to unclog the Pipe.

I thanked Lazarus for all of his help and expertise, and he charged me $100 for 2 hours of labor in the rain (Can’t beat Southern Country Prices). I called my Wife to give her the all clear, and headed off to my Art Studio to continue work ing on a current Sculpture Project. We have absolutely no plans whatsoever to replace/build the Exterior Stairs obviously as not to block the top of the Septic Tank (it doesn’t functionally matter as the stairs were a secondary set more for aesthetics than use). We have also administered a Yearly Root Killer, and a Septic Tank Shit Sludge maintenance as temporary measures, but ultimately the Trees have to go and the sooner the fucking better to avoid a Serious Septic Situation.

Thanks For Reading,

Les Sober 

Handyman Herb the Heinous Handyman’s Man

As my Wife and I were prepping/ repairing our little house in the Great Southern Swamp we had a list of certain handyman jobs (i.e. Hanging a Door, Patch a Wall, Replace some damaged base boards etc.) very basic tasks. Awhile back when we had a similar list we had contacted a local general handyman named Handyman Herb. Herb obviously didn’t graduate at the head of his class, but he was capable of doing elementary tasks with decent prices. So when we found ourselves in need of handyman services again we called Handyman Herb. My Wife talked to him via the phone and told him what we needed done and then scheduled for him to stop by on the coming Monday at 9:00 am.

My Wife was working that Monday leaving me to handle Herb which made me a bit wary. I have no illusions about my unruly behavior at times with other people especially if they annoy or disappoint me. Little did I know that Monday would test all of my strength to keep from going absolutely bat shit crazy on the entire known fucking world.

9:00 am Monday comes and no Handyman Herb. Twenty minutes later I have to hit up the shitter and did so as fast as possible incase Herb finally decided to show the fuck up for work. As I was walking back from the crapper my cell phone went off, it was Handyman Herb.

Now I thought Herb was calling to apologize for being late and would then give me a realistic ETA, but that wasn’t the case. Handyman Herb had brought a belligerent attitude with him, and as soon as I answered he demanded to know if someone was indeed home. Well I thought to myself your talking to me and theres a car parked out front so yeah I’m fucking here. I informed Herb that I was the only one home and I had to hit up the pisser (not to mention HE was now 30 minutes late but asshole didn’t want to talk about that shit) Herb responds by grumping like a gimp that he knocked and that he was now in fact here.

I already felt my blood pressure rising as a serious pet peeve of mine is if I’m paying you DO YOUR JOB (i.e. SHOW UP ON TIME) and BE A FUCKING PROFESSIONAL. You come to work for me leave your bullshit at the door. I instinctively started to text my Wife to channel the increasing irritation and shitty speculation of the Handyman Herb situation.

I opened the door to let Herb in (apparently he had brought a sidekick assistant who resembled a English Bulldog in both looks and mentality) as Herb entered it was BLATANTLY FUCKING OBVIOUS by the SCOWL on his face and agitated body language that this shit show had just begun. I gave the repair list containing 10 issues that needed to be addressed/remedied hoping at this point that Captain Crap-a-tude would just shut the hell up and get to work. Nope that didn’t happen.

Handyman Herb and his Sidekick proceeded to slowly pace around my house aimlessly assessing the project list. Not only are Herb and Sidekick wasting more time but their actively bitching about the jobs on the list like what a pain in the ass they may or may not be. This horseshit went on for 10-12 minutes as I continued to text my Wife updating her on the on going circus of shit as it unfolded.

Then shit really started to go down hill. Every fucking job that was on the list (which my Wife discussed with him one on one via the phone) in his opinion wasn’t an problem/worth fixing. The biggest issue was his total lack of preparedness. Herb read down the list while he moseyed around my house like a vagrant informing me that he didn’t have the tools for each said job.  Around number 7 on the list Herb try to switch the blame for his grossly unprofessional bullshit was actually my Wife’s fault. Blaming my Wife (not to mention like I said I was in the room when the 2 of them talked on the phone so he’s lying to my fucking face) was a massive mistake.

Even then I was still straining with every fucking fiber of my being to get something productive done and not shit all over Not So Handy Herb and his wide eyed, mute, mouth breathing sidekick. As I mentioned earlier I was feverishly texting my Wife about not only what the hell was going on but my reaction(s) to it all. Losing my composure bit by bit I had started to fight fire with fire. I tensed up my body language to match Herb’s, started to angrily glare, and started to say things with a bad attitude. Example “I don’t give a damn about why nothing can get done, I need someone to fix this shit because I’m getting the fuck out of this shithole state.” Herb remained oblivious.

She was very cool about the whole deal as usually in these situations she is the one struggling to get me to chill out. When it got to the point that I texted her “I’m SO fucking done with Herb, I’m about to kick him and his shitty attitude out of the fucking house, she wrote back “O.K. kick him out then and we’ll call someone who appreciates the work.”

I can not BEGIN to explain how INSANELY HAPPY that text made me. I immediately tracked Herb down where he was lingering in my house like a foul fart. I then addressed Herb and the current crap shoot by saying the following:

“Obviously this ISN’T working for ME or YOU so the best thing for you (Herb) is to GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE and take Sidekick Shitkicker with you.”

The immense relief and total wave of satisfaction in absolving myself of these two wannabe handyman half wits was the definition of utter bliss.