Tag: India

The Art Of Self Mummification

Welcome to Today’s FYB Post pertaining to the illegal Art Of Self Mummification. While the Practice of Mummification (made Famous by the Egyptians) has its Own Page in the Book of Demented History it like so many things gets Even More Extreme. And what could be more Extreme than Mummifying a Person’s Corpse? Well how about Mummifying Yourself while You’re still Alive. That was the Case in back in the Day with Certain Sects of Buddhist Monks in Japan until Emperor Meiji Outlawed the Practice along with any Forms of Suicide (even though those who Practiced Self Mummification did Not consider it Suicide) back in 1879. It’s important to Note that there was a Good Deal of Terminology So Much so that We decided (for Time and Length Purposes) to Comprise a Glossary. The Glossary is Located Below the Text for Your Connivence and Now back to the Interesting Shit. You might be Wondering What was the Practice of Someone Mummifying Themselves while Alive all about? Well let’s find out Shall We.

First off the Term used in for the Process of Self Mummification in Japan was called Sokushinbutsu which Translates to “Buddhas in Their Own Bodies.” Sokushinbutsu is referring to the practice of Buddhist Monks observing Asceticism to the Point of Death, and Preforming mummification upon Themselves while still Alive. Traditionally it was/is Believed that the Mummified Monks had entered a State of Deep Mediation rather than having Died, and that They were/are still able to Grant the Prayers of Their Partitioners. There are Cases of Other Buddhist Mummified Monks in Other Buddhist Countries especially in East Asia, but They were Mummified after Death from Natural Causes. It’s Believed that Shingon School founder Kukai was the One who introduced Sokushinbutsu to Japan as Part of Secret Tantric Practices that He had Learned while in Tang China. In Addition to that the Sokushinbutsu Ascetic Practices of Shengendo were likely Inspired by Kukai, Who was the Founder of Shingon Buddhism. Kukai ended His Life by Slowly Reducing His intake of Food and Water, Ingesting Natural Preservatives (to Aid in the Self Mummification Process), and then Stopping Food and Water intake all together while Continuing to Meditate and Chant Buddhist Mantras.

Ascetic Self Mummification Practices have also been Recorded in China, but are associated with Ch’an (Zen Buddhism) Tradition there. Alternate Ascetic Practices similar to Sokushinbutsu are also known to have Existed such as Public Self-Immolation practice in China. The Final Purpose of Shegendo is for the Practitioners to find Supernatural Power and Save Themselves (as well as the Masses) by Conducting Religious Training while Traveling through Steep Mountain Ranges to Achieve Buddha Nature. In the Mountain Dwelling Region of Japan Shugendo emerged as a Syncretism, and the Practice was Perfected Over Time Particularly in the Three Mountains of Dewa (Mount Haguro, Gassen, and Yudono).

Now We have touched on the History of Self Mummification, but as for Actual Process of Self Mummification We haven’t so Here We Go. The Practice of Self Mummification was Mainly Practiced in Yamagata in Northern Japan between the 11th and 19th Century by the Members of the Japanese Vajrayanc School of Buddhism called Shingon (which Translates to ‘True Word’). In Medieval Japan the Practice was Developed into a Specific Process for Sokushinbutsu which a Monk could Complete from Beginning to End in Approximately 3,000 Days. The Process involved a Strict Specialized Diet called Mokujiki which translates to “Eating a Tree” while Simultaneously Restricting Food. They also Slowly decreased Their Water Intake to Help Dehydrate Their Bodies and Shrink Their Internal Organs. At the End of the Process a Monk Abstained from All Food and Water relying on Pine Needles, Resins (example Tree Sap), as well as Seeds found in the Mountain Regions of Japan in Order to Eliminate All Fat in the Body. In Addition the Monks utilized Fasting and Meditation in order to Expedite the Process.

Once the Monk was Almost Diseased They were put into a Wooden Barrel and Lowered into the Ground before the Barrel was Covered with generous amount of Charcoal. The Monks would take a Small Hand Held Bell that They rang the Bell as the Chanted Buddhist Mantras until They Died. Once the Bell ceased ringing the Monks knew Their fellow Monk had indeed Died. The Body of the Now Diseased Monk was Left for in its Wooden Tomb for 1,000 Days before being Removed. Now here is the fucking Kicker out of the Hundreds of Monks Attempting Self Mummification ONLY 17 Actually Accomplished the Task. Imagine that Shit, Seriously how utterly fucked up is that We mean talk about shitty Odds. So after Enduring the Gruelingly Prolonged 3,000 Days of Continuing Agony Slowly Starving Yourself to the Brink of Death, Effectively then Buried Alive until You Die, and Once it was all Said and Done it fucking Didn’t Work.

By the End of the Process the Monks Died in a State of Jhana (Meditation) while They Chanted the Nenbutsu (a Mantra about Buddha), and Their Bodies would become Naturally Preserved from the Inside Out. The Mummified Monk’s Skin and Teeth remained intact without Decomposing with out the Use of Artificial Preservatives such as Embalming Fluid. It’s Important to Note that Many of the Existing Buddhist Mummies are Wearing Sunglass which does Seem fucking Odd. There is a Valid reason for this and the Reason is Human Eye Balls unlike Teeth/Skin Decay Away thus the Use of Sunglasses to Hide the Empty Hollow Eye Sockets. Many Buddhist Sokushinbutsu Mummies have been found in Northern Japan and are Estimated to be Several Centuries Old. Ancient Texts suggest Hundreds of Mummified Monks are Buried in the Stupas and in the Mountains of Japan (and are Revered by the Practitioners of Buddhism to this Very Day).

One of the Alters in the Honey-ji Temple of Yamagata Prefecture, which is a Prefecture of Japan Located in the Tohoku Region of Honshu, is the Home of one of the Oldest Mummies of the Sokushinbutst Ascetic named Honmyokai. There is at Least one Self Mummified Buddhist Monk  named Sangha Tenzin (who was more then likely a Practitioner of Tibetan Buddhism) from the Northern Himalayan Region of India that was Confirmed to be 550 year Old. Tenzin’s Mummy can be Viewed to this Day at a Temple in Gue Village, Spiti, Himachal Pradesh. As I stated before it is Important to Note the Practitioners of Sokushinbutsu DID NOT consider the Practice as an Act of Suicide, BUT rather as a Form of Enlightenment.

Glossary:

Asceticism: The Practice of Self Discipline and Abstinence from All Forms of Indulgence Typically for Religious Reasons Spiritual Goals.

Dzogpu-Chenpo: The Traditional Teaching in Indo-Tibetian Buddhism and Youngdrung Bon that is Aimed at Discovering/Continuing in the Ultimate.

Ground: is a Primordial State that is an Essential Component of the Both the Dzogpu Tradition and Bon Tradition from the Nyingma School of Tibetan Buddhism.

Syncretisym: Is the Combination of Different Religions, Cultures, Or Schools of Thought) between Vajrayana Buddhism, Shinto, and Taoism in the 7th Century which Stressed Ascetic Practices.

Stupas: A Mound like or Hemispherical Structure that contains Relics and are Used as a Place for Meditation.

Shut Endo: A Body of Ascetic Practices that Originated in the Nara Period in Japan that Evolved during 7th Century (710-794 bc) from a Combination of a Variety of Beliefs, Philosophies, Doctrine, Schools of Thought, Ans Ritual Systems found in Folk Religions.

Folk Religions: Japanese Folklore that encompasses the Informally learned Folk Traditions, Customs, and Material Culture.

Shingon Buddhism: Is One of the Major Schools of Buddhism in Japan, and one of Only a Few Surviving Vajrayana Lineages in East Asian Buddhism.

Shinto: A Religion Originating from Japan that is Classified as an East Asian Religion by Theologians, and regarded as Japan’s Indigenous Religion.

Tao: In Chinese Philosophy is the Absolute Principle Underlying the Universe, Combing within itself the Principals of Yin and Yang and Signifying the Way, or Code of Behavior, that is in Harmony with the Natural Order. The Interpretation of Tao in the Tao-te-Ching developed into a Philosophical Religion known as Taoism.

Taoism: Diverse Tradition Indigenous to China Characterized as Both a Philosophy and a Religion that Emphasizes Living in Harmony with Tao. Tao is generally understood as being the Impersonal Enigmatic Process of Transformation Ultimately Underlying Reality.

Buddha Nature: The Potential for all Sentient Beings to become a Buddha or the Fact that All Beings already have a Pure Buddha Essence Within.

Prefecture: An Administrative Jurisdiction Traditionally Governed by an Appointed Perfect which is a Magisterial Title of Varying Definition, But Essentially refers to the Leader of an Administrative Area.

Three Mountains of Dewa: Are 3 Sacred Mountains of Mount Haguro, Mount  Gassen, and Mount Yudono which are grouped together in the Ancient Province of Dewa. Haguro, Gassen, and Yudono Mountains remain Sacred in the Shugendo Traditional to this Day.

Vajrayana: Is often Translated to simply mean “The Diamond Vehicle”. Both Tibetan Buddhism and the Japanese Shingon Buddhism are Vajrayana Lineages. Tibetan Buddhism is Predominant in Tibet, Nepal, Bhutan, Sikkim, and Mongolia. It was Taught in and Continues to be Taught in China, Usually by Tibetan Masters.

Zen: is a School of Mahayana Buddhism that originated in China during the Tang Dynasty as the Chan School or the Buddha Mind School, and Later on Zen later developed into Various Sub-Schools as well as Branches. From China Chan spread South to Vietnam and became Vietnamese Thein, Northeast to Korea to become Soon Buddhism, and East Japan becoming Japanese Zen.

Self-Immolation: IS the Act of Setting Oneself on Fire and is Mostly done for Political or Religious Reasons, often as a Form of Protest or in Acts of Martyrdom. Due to its Disturbingly Violent Nature Self Immolation is Regarded as One of the Most Extreme Methods of Protest.

 

It is What It Is,

Presented By Les Sober

The Horrors in American History: Here Comes The White Guys

Lets face it people White People are Evil as fuck.

I can definitely say that being that I am White, so white in fact if I was any whiter I’d my skin would be translucent. I’m not kidding here I make an Irish man look like some sun bathed Life Guard from Baywatch or some shit.

Now here comes the reality behind that statement.

White Europeans spent Thousands of years Waring for Land and Power or torturing/murdering in the name of Their “God”.

Point being White Europeans were fucked, (then again if you lived through the fucking Black Plague of course your going to be fucked in the head as you watched Two Thirds of Europe die) before they started considering the possibility of Land beyond the boarders of the Oceans.

As for Mr. Christopher Columbus well to refresh our collective memory first of all WASN’T EUROPEAN (AKA WHITE) He was an immigrant from Italy which makes him Mediterranean.

Second he DIDN’T discover America because he was such a shitty explorer that he ended up in the fucking Caribbean haven grossly undershot his initial target.

Not to mention HE WAS LOOKING FOR THE COUNTRY OF INDA AT THE TIME THE FUCKING MORON.

Lastly Columbus DIDN’T DISCOVER ANY CARIBBEAN ISLANDS EITHER.

This is due to the simple fact YOU CAN’T DISCOVER A NEW LAND THATS BEEN POPULATED FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS ALREADY BY INDIGENOUS People(s).

Now fast forward to Between April 2nd to the 8th 1513 When THE SPANISH EXPLORER Juan Ponce de Leon first LANDED on the shores of Florida near St. Augustine and knew it wasn’t fucking India.

Alright now We head to November 11, 1620 when FINALLY WHITE EUROPEANS Pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock after a 66 days Voyage to escape from Britain. 107 fucking years AFTER Ponce de Leon mind you.

The Pilgrims had Their reasons for making such a treacherous and undoubtedly dangerous as fuck journey across the Pond.

The Pilgrims primary issues were One the fucking Tyrannical and Corrupt as hell British Government who just loved taxing the shit out of Their citizens, and generally treating anyone other than Royalty like complete shit. Also the Pilgrims were being Persecuted like a motherfucker for Their Religious Beliefs.

So bottomline life in Britain sucked so goddamn bad the Pilgrims risked life, and limb to escape to the other side of the fucking Ocean for fuck’s sake.

As well all are well fucking aware the Indigenous Indians basically saved the Pilgrims lily White asses from certain death by starvation. And for the most part everyone got along pretty fucking well.

Basically as time ticked on the White Man started to require more and more land up and down the East Coast. Then once that was done They headed slowly but surly farther and fucking farther out West.

Now the ENTIRE fucking time in his pursuit of Land, Power, and Valuable Resources the White Man did everything thing he could think of to totally fuck over the Indigenous Indian Tribes every fucking day of the week and twice on fucking Sundays.

Lets fucking face it ANY, EVERY, AND ALL Deeds, Deals, Treaties or Contracts between the Indians and The White Man were egregiously disregarded, Violated, and Ignored by The White Man rendering them utterly Null and Void.

And when Corruption, Back Stabbing, Lying, Cheating, Stealing, and Two Faced Tactics didn’t work or took too damn long the White Man decided to commit NATION WIDE GENOCIDE. The White Man took to Murdering Indians without Remorse or Consequence with ongoing encouragement from THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT.

One way it made mass murdering the Indigenous People was by Demonizing them, and in this case the White Man used HIS FUCKING RELIGION to justify endless killing. The White Man stated that since these Indigenous People were NOT CHRISTIANS then they were nothing more than Violent Savages, and Uncivilized Heathens something so low it was no longer even to be considered a Person. Not very fucking Christian you ask Me.

Don’t get me wrong there were a number of Indigenous People who the fucking White Man didn’t Kill either through Murder or Disease (ex. Small Pox and other European Diseases that the Native Indians had no resistance to so They became sick and subsequently died. That had to fucking suck ass).

Since these Indigenous People were still alive but defeated as fuck The White Man was fucking kind enough to move The Survivors onto what is called a Reservation.

Reservations kind of sound alright until you fucking realize it just a shitty piece of Land with FEW to NO Resources, Sucks for Farming, Sucks for Hunting and Fishing, and the Weather is Brutal with Harrowing Heat in the Sweltering Summer, and The Crippling Cold of Winter.

So basically a Reservation was, and is unwanted undesirable scrap of shitty land that White Men didn’t/don’t want so They dumped the Indigenous Indians there like a Human Landfill of Flesh.

Not to fucking mention as a side note The White Man introduced ALCOHOL to Native Americans who have an unfortunate predisposition to Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. The SOLE REASON for the introduction by The White Man was to help cheat The Native Americans on fucking various Deals and Treaty’s. The saying was “Its easier to make Deals with Drunken Indians.”

My point is this ALL FUCKING WHITE PEOPLE ARE IMMIGRANTS Whose Ancestors came to America to be Free, were saved from a miserable fucking death by the Native Americans, then turned around and, Robbed, Raped, Cheated, Murdered, and EFFECTIVELY STOLE AMERICA PIECE BY PIECE FROM THE NATIVE AMERICANS THROUGH MURDER AND DOUBLE DEALINGS..

TO  all the Racist Assholes in America :

THIS ISN’T YOUR COUNTRY YOUR THE SON/DAUGHTER OF A IMMIGRANT. Columbus didn’t discover A FUCKING THING, and The Spanish got here over 100 fucking years before the first White fucking European from fucking Britain. SO SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU ENTITLED RACIST FUCKWITS.

Our PILGRIM ANCESTORS brought “the Plague of The White Man” to the Shores of America looking for shelter from a CORRUPT AND OPPRESSIVE FUCKING GOVERNMENT as well as RELIGIOUS GODDAMN PERSECUTION, BUT In The End They Became a Corrupt Government , and Religiously Persecuted the Indigenous People for being “Non Christians”.

Nazis, Klans Men, White Nationalists and other Racist Scumfucks are HYPOCRITICAL, IGNORANT, WHITE TRASH PIECES OF SHIT.

Fuck All Forms of Racism.

Thanks for Reading,

 By Les Sober

Malice The Band That Almost Killed Us All Part 6

April 15th: Malice arrived at their suite at the Hard Rock Casino in Mackinaw Michigan (which back in the infamous 80’s was considered on the same creative social scale as NYC or LA.), and waited for their newly assigned opening act by their record label Razorback Records.

While they waited Malice free based a Kilo of 91% pure uncut Columbian Fish Scale while simultaneously  consuming 15 cases of beer, 19 bottles of Whisky, and an ounce and a half of PCP Laced Mushrooms, and ate 7 sheets of Acid (because waiting is boring so why not party your fucking face off they figured.) Plus the bands Lawyer TR McCoy and their Manager Harold Slickmann  had instructed the Band to DO NOTHING while they worked out the issues with the Band’s current Record Label Razorback Records.

As for Razorback they needed to put a tour deal together fast as fuck. Razorback Due to the  current disputes with Malice over creative control had lead abrupt cancellation of the remaining  Tour leaving them in the lurch like a motherfucker. They had to finish out as many of the original Tour dates as humanly possible to avoid backlash from pissed off Malice Fans.

Now due to all the drama Razorback was unhappy with Malice and that  played a part in their decision to hire The Assholes.The Assholes were at the opposite side of the spectrum from Malice.

Malice was a Glam Metal Band used to the luxurious life in LA being fawned over by press and fans alike for several months and had forgotten their entire lives previous to being famous. This I think most people can agree the massively exprbinte and copious amounts of Narcotics combined with Severe Alcoholism was/is to blame for the Band’s Unique Amnesia.

The Assholes on the other hand were a Trio from the Shitty Streets of the Shittiest Slums in Swansea Wales’s poverty stricken Industrial District. They grew up broke as fuck with Father’s that slaved away in the Various Factories or Sold Drugs. They had Mother’s that Worked 3 jobs cooking and cleaning (for the elite assholes living a life of splendor in the Huge Mansion’s in the Country) or Turning to Prostitution, Drink, and Drugs.

The only issue was The Assholes were currently on a Tour of their own with their fellow band The Squatters who hailed from Leeds and had similar backgrounds as the members of The Assholes. Not to mention the group’s singers met in the drunk tank one St. Paddy’s day after grossly over indulging in an obscene display of Alcohol throughout the day.

For this particular Tour The Assholes and The Squatters had combined both bands into one collective group they were calling The Asshole Squatters.

This lead Razorback to bend over backwards and take it in the preverbal metaphorical ass to put together. First Razorback had to hire The Asshole Squatters (not just the Assholes by themselves) because their management claimed it would be easier to promote the new 2 week Tour since two thirds of the audience already recognized the name.

Second Razorback would have to Pay the Appearance fee for The Assholes, The Squatters, and The Asshole Squatters as each group would be billing them separately. Razorback would also be financially responsible for their other expenses such as Travel, Room and Board. The Assholes also demanded that Razorback reimburse everyone involved in/with the last two weeks of the Asshole Squatters Tour that would be left ass out in lieu of The Assholes embarking on the new Malice Tour.

Razorback not having a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of had to agree to any and all conditions set forth by The Assholes or The Squatters. In the end the tiny new 2 week tour cost Razorback $12.3 Million in extra expenses.

April 16th: Malice had a pre tour meeting where they met The Asshole Squatters for the 1st time over Cocktails at the exclusive Club Pretentious. The meeting was a short one. The Members of The Asshole Squatters  spent most of their time chugging pints of Guinness, doing Irish Car Bombs, Rough Housing, Head Butting one another in some Bizarrely Violent Drinking Game (which they themselves had created just a couple of weeks ago while on a brilliant bender.)

Malice sat back drinking Bottomless Hurricanes (with Mescal on the side) watching their new opening act getting Raging Alcoholic Type Drunk, and snorting massive rails of Cocaine off a gaggle of clamoring wannabe Groupie’s Tits.

The 2 Bands barely spoke to each other and as for The Asshole Squatters they seemed to be mocking Malice throughout the entire ordeal. It was hard for Malice to determine if the Asshole Squatters were indeed mocking the shit out of them or was this the classic absurd comedic Wit the British were known for.

Troubled by the shitty meeting Malice’s manager Harold Slickmann sat down to discuss the matter with The Asshole Squatters Manager Sly Slapper over diner (at The Lux Barroom and Fine Eatery mind you). Slapper’s take on the situation was it was just a case of “Clashing Ego’s”and it would be no problem at all. He assured Slickmann that the Tour would be nothing less than copacetic once the Band’s Ego Issues calmed down.

This was a boldfaced lie and Slapper the slippery shit was well aware.

April 17th: To insure there wouldn’t be any further issues before the start of the tour the following day each Band’s Manager spiked ALL the Band Members mandatory morning Bloody Mary’s (which were made with 191 proof Grain Alcohol or as its more commonly known Moonshine) with a heavy dose of Horse Tranquilizers .The intensity of the Moonshine did a wonderfully brilliant job at disguising the foul taste of the ground up Horse Tranquilizers.

This effectively rendered both groups unconscious for 18 hours straight.

When the time came the Band’s Personal Medical Team would hit them with a Epinephrine  Shot via an Epi Pen, and BAM everyones awake, on their feet, and energetic like a Rocket Shot up their Ass.

April 18th: It was around 11 am when the Bands began to board their respective Tour Buses each suffering from a serious Horse Tranquilizer Hangover. It wasn’t until well past Noon that the Tour was finally on the road. The first show was in Saugatuck Michigan at the Tubular Theater.

Before the show even started the problems began. When Malice arrived at the Tubular Theater they were met the first problem head on. The members of The Squatters being arrested by Immigration Officers. Malice’s managed Harold Slickmann quickly jumped of the tour bus and made a mad scramble words The Squatters manager Sly Slapper.

According to Slapper the band was being detained and deported back to England to stand trial. The Squatters were charged with 117 counts of Vandalism, 91 counts of Destruction of Private Property,  88 counts of Destruction of Public Property, 351 counts of Public Drunkenness, 57 counts of Urinating in Public, 22 counts of Defecating  in Public, 117 counts of Breaking and Entering (The band had a issue with breaking into Liquor Stores after closing time in search of yet more Booze), 144 counts of Public Nudity, and 121 counts of Indecent Exposure (The band also had an issue with having sex with Fans/Groupies in Public).

To make a shitty situation even shittier the Fans(who had been waiting for 16 hours straight) out front for the doors to open were well aware of what was going on, and they were getting more riled by the minute as they watched one of the bands they came to see being arrested at the concert venue.

Malice who had extensive experience dealing with amped up and angry Fans from some disastrous concerts of their own. They immediately put a plan into action as the inevitable Riot was building rapidly. Malice gathered up their instruments and amps aboard their tour bus, called in a massive Beer Order with a local Beer Warehouse a few blocks from the show, and lastly they grabbed a duffle bag containing 5 kilos (11 pounds) of Pure uncut Bolivian Blow.

The scene outside had gotten savage as the Show Promoter had already called in the Cops. Malice Fans were pissed off at the Asshole Squatter Fans for fucking up the show, The Squatters Fans were enraged that the Band was being Arrested, The Assholes were angry about everything in general, and all the Fans were mad the Police had been called.

The high level of surging emotions had given way to pushing, shoving, insults, violent threats, minor vandalism, and the start of empty Beer bottles being thrown around in random response to the current state of affairs. The Police had called in back up and as Malice got ready to put their plan into action the SWAT Team rolled in.

Malice slowly opened the Emergency Hatch located on the roof of the Bus and crawled out onto the Bus’s Roof. They then had their Roadies hand up their instruments followed by their Amps. Malice also had their Roadies hand up several Confetti Cannons they had brought on tour. Once on top of the bus with their gear and supplies Malice started to assemble their standard stage set up transforming the Bus’s Roof into an impromptu stage.

As soon as the set up was complete Malice started playing Misfit Covers as loud as their equipment would allow. This sudden musical onslaught brought the chaos and conflict to a stand still as the stunned Fans and Police Officers alike looked on.

Malice capitalized on this by announcing that this was now a FREE Parking Lot Show and then fired off their Confetti Cannons that they had loaded up with the Cocaine. A giant white wave exploded over the Audience with a lingering cloud behind it as everyone there went fucking insane.

The Police were just happy to have the Riot haunted so they let Malice slide on the whole Huge Cocaine Cloud (and assorted shit like that) just as long as they got the fuck out of town immediately following the Parking Lot Show.

And thats exactly what they did.

April 19th: Malice was contacted first thing in the morning by their current Record Label Razorback Records. Razorback was absolutely irate about the previous night’s show which was also the first show of a ad-libbed Tour.

Malice had their Lawyer TR McCoy step in as mediator on their behalf. McCoy stated it was fucking insane that Razorback was even angry to begin with. McCoy went on to say that Malice had nothing to due with the Show going to shit. Malice wasn’t the ones being arrested, their Fans weren’t the ones pissed off by the arrest, and if it wasn’t for Malice’s quick thinking under extreme pressure in an emergency situation had in fact ENDED the Riot.

Razorback being complete and total  bitches switched the topic of the conversation to what they were going to do moving forward post riot. The tour they said would continue but because of last night fiasco being blasted across national television had been forced “due to circumstances beyond their control” cancel that nights show.

Razorback sited that the change was do due to “Unforeseen Expenses” complied with the exorbitant expenses used for putting the current Tour together in the first place was putting Razorback on the verge of filing Chapter 11 Bankruptcy. And because of the severity of the situation would require Razorback’s full and undecided attention putting the Tour on the back burner for a while.

You see the unforeseen expenses Razorback incurred were from a legal dispute between Razorback and The Squatters.

The Squatters claimed that since their arrest, and subsequent deportation was due to charges that were racked up from their previous Tour. And since the charges were not related to this Tour they deserved to be paid every single cent agreed upon by Razorback and The Squatters per their contract.

Razorback had to hire a full on legal defense team of Lawyers to handle the impending Lawsuit and their Counter Suite. According to their Lawyers Razorback considered their contract null and void as soon as The Squatters violated the terms, and thus were owed jack shit as far as they were concerned.

Malice’s Lawyer TR McCoy sighted a “Conflict of Interest” on Razorback’s part as far as Malice was concerned, and was planning to take them to court over it as soon as he got back to his office. Unbeknownst to Razorback at the time was that McCoy was already well at work putting a lawsuit against Razorback on Malice’s behalf. Malice was ultimately looking to terminate their contract with Razorback Records by any means needed.

April 20th: Malice curent Unnamed Tour with the Assholes was scheduled to play The Wicked Room in Grand Marais Minnesota. Once they Bands showed up there was an empty parking lot and a massive pile of what appeared to be charred bricks mixed with assorted rubble. There was a note from the Wicked Room’s Staff addressing the issue taped to a bottle of Croatian Rum that was standing atop the pile of aforementioned bricks and rubble.

The Note Read: To Whomever it may concern,

We the loyal staff of the Wicked Room have the misfortune to inform you that the Owner of the Club (Dolt Devonshire) ruptured a gas line in the basement, and blew the Club sky high while attempting to commit Insurance Fraud.  So Sorry We know this Sucks.

With the nights Fans only moments away from the defunct venue the Bands had to figure out what the fuck to do. Neither Band wanted to relive the previous nights shit show nor could they afford any more shitty press.

Then The Assholes Singer “Bloody” Sod Bollocks announced that since Malice had saved their asses last night that tonight they would be repaying the favor. In all actuality The Asshole could have give 2 shits about Malice they just thought it was a proper venue to showcase their Hardcore Thrash Punk music. That combined with the fact The Assholes were chomping at the bit to play to help vent some of their built up frustrations.

Malice decided to take their Fans in attendance that were pissed off by the fact Malice wasn’t playing to an all night drinking binge at a local Dive Bar and Shitty Strip Club Called  Beef Curtains.

Even though The Assholes acted like they didn’t give a flying fuck what Malice did they took Malice’s Stripper Boozelooza as slap in the face. They thought if Malice and their sniveling Fans didn’t care about the show well fuck them and fuck that.

April 21st: Malice spent the day at the Hotel Spa recuperating from their legendary hangovers, and The Assholes spent the day Drinking and Drugging like no tomorrow.

The 2 bands met up at that nights Venue The Radical in Bayfield Wisconsin. The tension was tenable as the Bands circled one another lingering like fucking Vultures waiting for their meal to finally die.

The Assholes went on first and played their first two albums (“Fuck You and The Finger” and “The Toss Pot Teachers”)  in their interiority.  The Band then went on to play 3 separate encores each consisting of 3-5 songs each. The Asshole’s finally played their closing song their current hit “Fuck Me Dead”. By then they had cut into Malice’s set by a good 45 minutes or so.

Malice was furious as they took the stage 45 minutes late. Malice used the show to mainly test out the audience’s reacting to some new songs they were coming up with for the New Album they planned to record as soon as they possibly could. Malice was sure to pepper the New Shit with some of their Big Hits to keep the Fans excited.

All in all the audience response was overwhelmingly positive as far as the new material was concerned. In fact Malice’s new Power Ballad “I’d Never Call You A Bitch Baby” garnered such a response from the Fan’s that they decided later that night that it would be the first single released.

Malice celebrated all night and into the following day until that nights show.

April 22nd: When Malice’s Tour bus rolled into The Spectrum in Elkader Iowa to find that The Assholes had already arrived and were in the middle of their soundcheck.

Malice walked into their dressing room to find it Trashed, Thrashed and Totally fucked. It smelled like a Truck Stop Bathroom mixed with a well used Locker Room. Every single piece of furniture (including the trash can) was busted and broken to pieces. The Catering table was upside down which was ok because it looked as if someone shit on the food platters anyway. Not to mention their toilet bowl was on fire reminiscent of a childhood campfire.

Malice’s blood boiled as they had fucking had it with The Assholes and their shittier than shitty bullshit. Luckily before all hell broke loose Malice’s manager Harold Slickmann arrived in the nick of time to prevent a brewing Shit Storm from becoming a Category 5 Shitnado. Slickmann swore up and down that if Malice played the show he would put and end to The Assholes dilemma.

Malice begrudgingly took the stage and the crowd went buck-fucking-wild sending Malice’s spirits soaring. The show was going exceptionally well until “Bloody” Sod Bollocks came staggering drunk as 10 Sailors (on well deserved Shore Leave) combined. Bollocks slowly made his way to the side of the stage just as Malice launched into (what they believed on audience response) was their new upcoming single “I’d Never Call You A Bitch Baby”

Once Malice got to the chorus of “…I’d never call you a bitch Baby” Bollocks armed with a Military Grade Bullhorn would yell at the top of his intoxicated lungs “Because I call you a cunt!”

Malice’s more than temperamental frontman Izzy Sane let Bollocks get away with his rude interjection twice but not a third time. Sane dropped his microphone, picked up the stand, swung it up over his head with both hands, and bolted to wards Bollocks like a Meth addicted Rodeo Bull. Once Sane reached Bollocks Sane brought the Heavy Metal Base of the microphone stand down on Bollock’s head like a Sledge Hammer.

The base of the Microphone stand came crashing down and slammed into Bollock’s head right above his left eye shattering his orbital socket, severely fracturing his cheek bone, and sending his eye shooting out into the audience. Blood started to pour out of Bollock’s freshly busted open head like a deep red river. Bollocks swayed for a minute before crumpling like a piece of paper to the ground.

Bollocks was unconscious, unresponsive, and there was blood now spurting out of the large gash in his head like a mini 18 inch fountain. One of the Stage crew sprinted to the phone and called 911. By the time the EMTs had arrived Bollocks was in the throws of full blown shock. The EMTs opted due to the severity of the injury and the patient’s quickly declining condition to to fly Bollocks to the nearest head trauma unit a Trama Hawk.

On the up side Malice’s Fans were so supportive they cheered Sane as they Fans were aware of the tenuous rivalry between the two touring Bands. Unfortunately for Sane the police were not so easy going and arrested Sane for Assault, Assault with a Deadly Weapon, and Attempted Murder.

The night ended with Malice on their way back to their hotel, and their manager on his way back to the Band’s Lawyer’s Office double time.

April 23rd: Finally the Tour to end all Tours had ended as doomed from the start. The Assholes had flown back home to England as soon as Bollocks was stable enough to travel.

Malice wanted to circle the wagons so they bought a 56 room Mansion located on 66 acres (for an estimated $151 Million) in the Hollywood Hills the day they got back in town. The Band figured it actually made the most sense since until then non of the Band members past or presently..

Malice members lived in hotels or on the Tour bus while on Tour or Traveling. In their down time Davie Scum was on the worlds longest Couch Surfing Run in known History, and Izzy Sane lived with his Girlfriend (and Malice Bassist) Maxi Padd in her tiny one room Studio Apartment. Rock Harder lived in a Shitty Hellhole of a Motel down by the by the Airport called The Wayfarers located between The Drunkard Tavern and Sparkles Strip Club.

It didn’t take long for Malice to move in as the members owned next to nothing outside of their cars. Meanwhile Harold Slickmann had sold his house prior to the last Tour and went and bought a $4.5 Million Luxury Executive RV. Slickmann parked his newly acquired RV in Malice’s extensive Drive Way where he planned to live indefinitely.

The Band’s Lawyer TR McCoy opted to sell his Penthouse so he could move into Malice’s new 10,000 square foot Guest House. McCoy felt with the forth coming barrage of legal issues that were about to defend upon the Band like The Anti-Christ surfing on an Avalanche.

The Band settled on the name “The House of Malice” as the official name of their Mansion Estate and set to work coming up with customized additions to the Mansion (example: Replacing the Water in the 100s of Fountains with Armand de Brigand Brut Gold (Ace of Spades) which cost $6,500 per 6 Liter Bottle.)

April 24th: Malice received an intensely aggressive call from their Record Label Razorback Records demanding a meeting immediately in their head office in the Van Nuys neighborhood. Malice piled into the Band’s 67 foot long custom Limo along with Slickmann and McCoy in tow.

When they arrived Malice was marched directly into Brock Rock’s office. Brock Rock who was the Owner and CEO of Razorback at the time. No sooner had Malice sat down Rock came charging in infuriated beyond belief with Razorbacks Legal Team right behind him.

Razorback started the meeting guns blazing. They were basically trying to blame all their costly fuck ups on Malice so they could sue them for reimbursement.

McCoy wasn’t having any of Razorback’s spastic bullshit fireworks. McCoy told Razorback that by neglecting their client Malice’s best interests by effectively booking substandard Opening Act(s) violated the terms and conditions of Malice’s Contract.

That combined with they fact that the failed second leg of the Mini Tour had totally tapped Razorback’s Bank Accounts so they wouldn’t be able to financially survive a long ass court battle before going completely bankrupt.

Razorback ended up releasing Malice from their contract as long as all disputes between both parties were henceforth Null and Void.

Malice was now a free Agent as it were.

McCoy had a glass of 70 year old Scotch.

Slickmann immediately started fielding offers from Competing Record Labels starting a furious Bidding War.

As for Razorback they did in fact end up going bankrupt, and Brock Rock was arrested for Embezzlement, Fraud, Insider Trading, Tax Evasion, and Aggravated Acts of Beastiality.

April 25th: Malice spent the day whole up in their Mansion reviewing various and plentiful possible future contracts from damn near every record label executive there was.

McCoy and Slickmann riddled down the Contracts to a Fianl Top 3 before involving the Band.

The 3 Top Contenders were Guillotine Records a relatively new up and coming Record Label that was racking up Big Name and Unknown Acts left and right.

Another was from Spittle Sound Studios owned by D-Rockafeller Recordings Inc. who was looking to expand their catalog and appeal by breaking into new musical markets. They were basically a Major Brand Record Label in Indi Clothing so to speak.

The Final Contract was from an International Record Label called The Nation of Noise Records (who’s HQ was located in International Waters on a retired Cruise Ship). They had been around for years, but never signed any act anyone would give two shits about like the Country Disco Jug Band Legend Howie “Pork Knuckle ” Pounder.

After serious deliberation along with a crate of Whisky, 26 Cartons of Cigarettes, a Pound of High Grad Marijuana, and 8 sheets of High Test Acid on  Guillotine Records signing a 5 Album Exclusive Deal.

Malice celebrated the Deal by Buying Ferraris and the hosting a Demolition Derby Party that went late into the night, and the Police only showed up 41 times for Noise Complaints and all that horseshit.

A good night was had by all.

April 26th: With a slew of new songs and material Malice and in great spirits ,and (after finally ending their troubled relationship with Razorback Records) having just signed a sweet ass deal with Guillotine Records headed into the Studio to get working on their new album.

Tragedy struck the Band once again while wailing on a wild Guitar Solo for the song “Sweet Heart, Wicked Soul” Davie Scum played so fast that his guitar caught on fire quickly consuming Scum in the blaze. Considering how flammable the cheap Spandex adorned with Chinese Dragons, and the entire bottle of Aqua Net Scum used to style his hair it was no real wonder why he combusted so quickly.

Luckily for Malice they were finished recording their new new album titled “Finding Heaven In Hell” so all that was left to be done was Editing the Recorded songs.

Malice had to pay the $17,890 cleaning bill for the Studio to clean off all the smoke stains and little BBQed pieces of flesh from the walls, floors and ceiling (Not to mention they had to Neutralize the Oder of a still smoldering  Human Body)

When Slickmann heard the news he grabbed the extremely large 3 ring binder filled with Musicians Resumes he had created due to the fact Malice Members had a bad habit of dying, and granted a couple left to purse other pursuits.

By the end of the day Malice had completed their new 19 song album, edited it, lost their Guitarist to a freak guitar playing accident, and interview the top replacement Guitarists.

That night around 4 in the morning suffering from a drug fueled insomnia Malice selected their new Guitarist Stevie “The Shill” Stevenson who had played with such acts as Murder in Minutes, Killing Trolls, The Lot Lizards, and the Legendary Black Metal Band Nordic Slaughter.

April 27th: While waiting for their new guitarist Stevie “The Shill” Stevenson’s to arrive at the studio (he was flying in from his Private Island Shill Key in the Florida Keys that afternoon) Malice realized that they in fact not only recorded their new album in one day, BUT they had 87 other songs on tap.

With this revelation Malice felt they had only one choice, and that was to release a DOUBLE ALBUM. Malice then spent the morning listening to all 87 songs before selecting 22 songs that would make up the second Album titled “The Hardships of Hell”.

By the time Stevenson made his appearance at the studio Malice realized while now that the Double Album they had recorded 41 brand new tracks they still had 46 additional songs.

So Malice thought about it awhile before coming up with the idea of releasing a rare TRIPLE ALBUM, and set out selecting which of the leftover 46 songs they would use. They came together and agreed on this Albums title would be “From Heaven To Hell and Back Again” consisting of 17 songs and 4 singles. The singles the Band decided upon were “Into The Night We Go”, “After Party Freak Show”, “Dive Bar Babes”, and “Lets Get Laid”

When Stevenson arrived he pointed out that Malice still had 29 songs left at their disposal, and suggested Malice release the World’s 1st QUADRUPLE ALBUM. And of course Malice lost their fucking minds over the idea. In return for such an awesome idea Malice rerecorded the last set of 29 songs with Stevenson so he’d be credited for playing on the Album.

Malice even let Stevenson pick the name of the 4th Album and he dubbed it “Entering Heaven/Exiting Hell” sticking with the ongoing theme of Paradise and the Pit.

Malice partied into the early hours of the morning doing Actual Tequila Shots (that is they drew up Tequila in 6cc syringes and injected it directly into their veins.)

April 28th: Malice’s Quadruple Album was an instant success as rabid Fans bought out Record Store after Record Store across the country. The Media Buzz was deafening as Malice’s Phones where rigging off the hook like a real motherfucker. Reporters of kinds camped out in front of Malice’s Mansion Estate gates leading Hardcore Fans to follow suit creating a sizable tent city situation.

Malice spent the entire day lounging around Mtv hanging out, day drinking and acting as impromptu Guest VJs (not to mention banging groupies during commercial breaks or when a video was airing)

By the end of the Business Day Malice’s World Wide Album Sales totaled an estimated $976 Million. The one day success gave way to the rumor that The Chairman of Forbes reportedly shit his pants when he saw the numbers the following morning.

April 29th: Tickets for Malice’s upcoming Tour to promote their Quadruple Album went on Sale at Noon Sharp and 6 seconds later every single American Date of the Malice was completely Sold Out. Which totally blew the tits off of Guinness Book of World Records.

Now Malice was at task scheduling Shows for the subsequent following World Wide Tour. For inspiration the Band went to their Restaurant Take Out Menu drawer. After a few minutes skimming over the large collection of Take Out Menus Malice had set up dates in Thailand, China, India, Mexico,Italy, and Japan.

Malice used the rest of their spare time to practice relentlessly with their new guitarist Stevie “The Shill” Stevenson, and over indulging in Hedonistic pursuits.

April 30th: Malice went to down customizing their recently acquired Mansion and Estate. First they had a 4 operate Helicopter Landing Pads one for each of them. Next they turned 2 of their 66 archers into a Mobile Home park loaded with Triple Wides for their Friends, Roadies, Mansion Staff, or as a crash pad for party guests who were to shitfaced to drive.

Izzy was a devoted movie fan so he used 12 archers to build his own Independent Movie Studio he called Ponder This Pictures and Perverse Productions. The Studio was intended to be a stage for struggling independent film makers to help them achieve their dreams. In the end though it sat virtually unused accept for the filming of some extremely high end Homemade Sex Tapes/Full Blown Porno Flix.

Stevie took 5 archers and build a pond so that he could stock it with some of his favorite fish like Alligator Gar, Giant Snakeheads, Electric Eels, Wells Catfish, and Giant Carp just for starters.

Rock used 7 archers to build his own Amusement and Water Park complete with the motto which was  “Neverland is for PopStars”.

Maxi used 1 achar to build a massive Temperature Controlled Greenhouse with a high tech Sprinkler System. She billed as an attempt at Sod Farming. She also took another 4 to built a Small Farm where she had several Cows. At night Maxi would let the Cows graze in the Greenhouse where inevitable Cows being Cow’s would crap all over the fucking place. She claimed it was a trade off of Free Cow Feed and Free Fresh Organic Manure. In reality the set up was designed to be the perfect growing grounds for Magic Mushrooms (or Shrooms for shirt).

  

Other custom additions included seeing up a professional fire work rig on the roof, indoor and out door shooting ranges, ATV Trails, Skate Park, Pirate Ham Radio Station, NASA Flight Simulator, Hi Li Court, installing water fountains rigged with Goldschlager (with its original Alcohol Content of 53.5% or 107 Proof), A Reptile House, 30 Run Dog Kennel, Racing Track, Driving Range (because hitting the shit out of the ball is the only fucking fun part of Golf so fuck the bullshit), Wave Pool, Bocce Ball Court, and 24k Toilets/Urinals encrusted in Gem Stones (“Crapping like a King” as their manager Harold Slickmann would say.

  

April 31st: Malice dedicated the day to preparing for the “Salvation and Damnation Tour” by rehydrating with IV Fluids, Laid off the Narcotics in favor of just Smoking Weed, Only Drank Light Beer, Getting 8 hour massages with 45 minute “Happy Endings”, Meditating, forgoing Sex for Blow Jobs, and Blood Doping.

MALICE: THE BAND THAT ALMOST KILLED US ALL PART 7 COMING SOON

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober 

The Rage Within

Have you ever had a wonderful customer service experience that made you feel happy, elated or even just a bit more than satisfied? Well this blog post is not for you. If you’ve been neglected, fucked over, or treated like a criminal keep on reading.

My issues began almost 5 months ago. For some reason I wanted to check my prepaid card balance on my WetZeller card. (names have been changed to protect the guilty, cuz that’s how me do in Merica.) Well it just was not right, there was nothing there. There should have been something.

Well I call in to these lovely folks and get some guy with a thick Indian accent. Pretty standard for a lot of low rate companies or tech companies. I get a canned response and dispute the charge when I find out what it is. A purchase at a Walmart. OMG NO NO NO. Yuck. I haven’t bought anything at a Walmart since I found my soul. The sneakers I bought there once succumbed to the rain. I have been through every addiction on the planet and Walmart actually provided the low point of my life. I bought their underwear. That will forever be my low. The Wets say they will get back to me in 24-48 hours.

Fast forward 3 weeks and 4 calls later. Every call I get the same canned 24-48 hour response repeatedly.  The Indian guy turned out to be a blessing. It was Bulgarians, Jamaicans and gypsy thieves after that.  The Jamaican woman decided that when I raised my voice mid sentence, she was going to shout into the phone at me. That was tons of fun because I had to hold back. I still did want my money back so I could not bust out with much other then lamely calling her a mean person.

My frustrations continue another week. A full month later I get a response asking for IDs, police reports, a copy of my bank statement, license, proof of residence and proof that I was in my country at the time of the transaction.  Deadline:one week. Otherwise they would assume that I was completely full of shit.  Now I get ID and police report but I have never been asked for proof I was in my country. I do have a smartphone so I clearly can prove it did not leave this area, but I don’t really have proof I am where I am on a daily basis. There is no need for me to be a daily consumer of anything other then food, water and oxygen. I don’t slither to a methadone clinic everyday, clock in at a job, or go to adult day care so this could be an issue.

 

The ironic part of all of this is this was all over $50. You would think it would be some insane amount like $5000 or even $500 but no a mere $50. This was the time I also found out the charge was in California. I’m a fucking friend in Pennsylvania  who made a charge 7 hours before the fake one. So basically I would have had to hijack a plane from the local airport, convince the flight to head to LA, convince the police to escort me high speed to some random Walmart in the LA Suburbs so I could randomly buy $50 worth of bullshit, and then take a flight directly home so I could call the next day and cry fraud.  I wouldn’t fly around that quickly if I stole 5 million dollars and certainly not for $50.

 

Luckily I had been to the doctors that day. I only go every 6 weeks so I happened to luck out. Otherwise these crooks would have absolutely taken my money. Still though I had to not only provide completely detailed receipts but had to get a “permission slip” from my doctor saying I was there. Then I had to get it notarized. I still have no clue why this was necessary other then to try and make my issue cost more then $50 for me to solve so my money could be pocketed.

Then the wait happened. Again. My EuroTrash contact would string me along a little at a time. She needed a clearer license picture. She needed the monthly statement of my charges, not just the page I printed out. It seemingly went on forever. It was only 3 months in all actuality.

 

Then I go the great news seemingly out of the blue. Your money has been refunded. I am not sure if this happened so suddenly because I threatened to get my local government involved. It only took 3 days after I made that promise for my money to get back to me.

The money was staring at me in my account. Yet it showed up as being a rejected refund. No one knew what was going on when I called in. I waited 2 more weeks for them to tell me it was available. So I tried to use the money right away. Decline, decline, decline. Someone then suddenly knew what they were doing and said we need to cancel your card and issue you a new one.

This is the part that got me going absolutely batshit. Why wouldn’t you have cancelled the card right away when I told you 4 months ago? Were you waiting for me to put more money on my account so you could buy some suspect meat, forbidden fruit, or earbuds that make music sound like something that is used as a torture device? Waiting for me to send in my bank statement with the account number included?

 

So I had to wait for this card to come in the mail an additional 2 weeks. It finally came, I gambled the money away rather quickly and chopped that shit up. It was found money so there was no need to save it or buy anything worthwhile. I put it into the same category as drug money or escorting money. It should be spent as quickly as possible.

All in all, my ordeal ended up taking me 3 days short of a full 5 months to get a refund. The extra month of waiting after they refunded me was just the cherry on top.

I sort of wish the rage would continue. It was great motivation for losing weight, running and punching things. I probably should have bought a punching bag but being the reincarnated Jew that I am and current part mad Russian I decided the wall would be better. I must say the wall held up much better then my knuckles.

The rage ended. Or a brief period. Then something worse then fraud came along.

A peppy middle aged woman lacking a sex life. She was not trying to get with me so I can still breathe.  She is next in the crossfire…….

 

 By SpaceDog