indigenous people – f-your blog

Permanent Trip (Found Footage)

Welcome to Another Installment of Strange and Disturbing Videos Featuring PERMANENT TRIP. Now Granted this Video is a Significantly Different then the Usual Fare You’ll find in the Strange and Disturbing Video Category of Posts. There is No Overtly Ominous or Violent Overtones, No Bizarre Industrial Sound Track, No Hidden Messages/Code/Clues, No Crazy Flashing Visuals, No Morbid Imagery of Death/Doom/Destruction, and No Chaotic Content. With that Said it Simply was Too Good to Pass Up and We had to do a Post on it.

The Video’s Backstory: Allegedly in 2008 a Digital Camera was found sitting on a Park Bench in Philadelphia. It contained Only One Short Video Clip on it. No One has Any Actual Details or Information Pertaining to This Video and We can Only take the Video at Face Value. The Clip is of a Distraught Man who is Obviously Under the Influence of a Hallucinogen or a Psychedelic Drug, and He claims it’s been Two Months since He injected the Unknown Drug and it Hasn’t Worn Off as of the Time of the Recording. For those of You with an Eye for Detail You’ll notice a Handgun sitting on the Corner of the Dresser Directly Behind the Man. This could be an indicator that the Situation had pushed the Unknown Man to His Limits, and He may be Approaching His Breaking Point.

The Questions Facing the Viewer are:

Is this Video Real or a Hoax?
Who is this Unknown Man in Reality?
What Drug did He take/ is He Under The Influence Of?
What Happened to the Unknown Man After the Video was Recorded)?

The Video Below is the Earliest and Only Copy of the Video Available Anywhere, and is a Re-Upload of the Original. The Description has Also Been Posted Below the Video itself. After the Video We Discuss the Relevant Information We can Deduce from the Video pertaining to the Questions Listed Above.

Enjoy.

Video Description:

“This video was uploaded to YouTube several years ago and I haven’t been able to find it recently. As I recall, the uploader claimed it was “found footage” – he said he found the tape on a park bench or something, and was concerned about the person depicted therein. It appears he may have been having rather a bad time with some sort of psychoactive substance, possibly Datura or some similar long-lasting deliriant. I apologize to the creator of the video if this is something he would rather not have publicized and will remove it immediately if requested by the creator. If anyone has any information regarding the welfare of this person and would like to share any details, please do so. It is a rather fascinating and perplexing recording.”

The First thing You’ll Notice is the addition of the Word Datura attached to the Title which was NOT part of the Original Upload. It seems to be Speculation on behalf of the Person who Re Uploaded the Video as to the Unknown Drug the Man could possibly be on. So what is Datura? Well Datura is a Powerful Plant Hallucinogenic Classified as a Deliriant. Unlike Traditional Psychedelics Datura causes Users Experience Full Blown Hallucinations that are Indistinguishable from Reality. Due to Its Intense Toxicity, Potential to Cause Long Term Psychological Harm, and its Propensity for Horrifically Traumatizing Hallucinations Datura is sometimes referred to as “The Devil’s Trumpet”.

Datura while Suspect it’s Extremely Unlikely that it is the Intoxicant that the Unknown Man has Ingested since His Behavior is Very Uncharacteristic of a Person on a Deliriant. Most People under the Influence of a Deliriant become so Disassociated that They can Hardly even Speak or Stand Up, and Often seem to be Lost in a World of Their Own. The Point Being the Man in the Video is Far Too Coherent and Articulate to be on a Deliriant. Additionally at one Point in the Video the Man states “I think I boiled the Roots Right”, and since the ay Datura is Taken it is Ingested as a Tea that’s made with the Plants Seeds, and the Roots are Not Used again Ruling Out Datura.

There Only Two Hallucinogens/Psychedelics that are made into a Tea by Specifically Boiling the Roots, and They are Sassafras and Ayahuasca. Sassafras’s Effects are Rather Subtle and consists of a Mild Euphoria, but Nothing as Dire as the Man in the Video is Experiencing by a Long Shot. Thus Sassafras is Not the Suspected Intoxicant.

As For Ayahuasca is an Ancient Amazonian Tea Ayahuasca has been used by Indigenous People of the Amazon as a Medicine to Endure Spiritual Experiences. Ayahuasca Tea consists of Two Ingredients Psychotria Viridis Leaves (that Contain DMT) and The Ayahuasca Vine. DMT is one of the Most Powerful Psychedelics known to Man which is Usually Smoked and Lasts about 15 minutes. During that Time it Incapacitates the User and Sends Them to an Entirely Different Reality. Many Users Claim to have Profound Spiritual Experiences while Under the Influence of DMT. Now when DMT is ingested Via a Tea its Effects can Last Hours, but Just Drinking the DMT Alone won’t do a Goddamn Thing. People have Enzymes in Our Stomachs that Break Up the DMT Molecules before it can Enter the User’s Bloodstream. This is where the Ayahuasca Vine comes into Play. The Ayahuasca Vine Contains Monoamine Oxidase Inhibitor (MAOI) that Temporarily Prevents the Enzymes from Working thus Allowing the DMT to pass into the User’s Bloodstream. This makes Ayahuasca the Most Likely Culprit when it comes to the Possible Intoxicant the Man in the Video Took. Especially since He Mentioned “Boiling Roots” which He may have confused the Ayahuasca Vine for Actual Roots.

The Most Unsettling part of the Video was the Man claiming that He has been Tripping for Two Moths without any Sign of Coming Down. There have always been Rumors/Urban Legends of People who took a Certain Hallucinogen/Psychedelic and Suffering the Effects for the Rest of Their Lives. There though has Never been a Single Documented Case of Anyone experiencing a “Permanent Trip” as Once the Substance passes through the User’s Body the Trip is Over.

This Doesn’t mean Hallucinogens/Psychedelics aren’t Dangerous and High Risk by any Means. An Estimated 4% of Users Develop Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder (HPPD). With HPPD a Person experiences Perception Distortion long after the Substance has Worn Off. Examples of HPPD are Flashes of Color, After Images, Trails on Objects, and Sometimes Disassociation, and in Rare Cases can be Life Long After Effects. It’s Important to Note THIS IS NOT TRIPPING as the User is Completely Functional so Due to the Distress of the Man in the Video it is Safe to Assume We can Rule Out HPPD.

Another Danger/Risk of Hallucinations is a Concern if a User’s Family has a History of Schizophrenia or Psychosis. Someone with Latent Schizophrenia and Using Hallucinogens can Trigger the Disease into becoming Active Effectively Inducing Schizophrenia. Is this in Fact what Happened to the Man in the Video? Did the Substance He took wear off and He can’t Distinguish the Difference between the Hallucinogen’s Effects, and the Symptoms of Schizophrenia (Which Include Visual and Auditory Hallucinations). If You Ask Our Opinion this is the Most Likely Scenario.

Finally Some People have Speculated that The Man in the Video in fact has only been Tripping only a matter of a Few Hours or Even Minutes. A Common Affect of Hallucinogens/Psychedelics is Time Distortion which makes Hours Seem like Days or in an Extreme Case Months thus causing the Man in the Video to Believe He’s been Tripping for Two Months Straight.

Now for the Question of wether or Not this Video is Real or a Odd Idea for a Hoax. If the Video is Real and the Man claims He’s been by Himself Alone in His Home the Entire Time How does He acquire Food for Himself or Pay His Bills such as Rent? Also the Man doesn’t appear to be Malnourished Nor Sleep Deprived, BUT if Time Distortion is to Blame then in that Case it Explains it.

What is just as Strange as the Video is the Description that Accompanies which is the Testimonial of the User who Re-Uploaded the Video. The User claims the Video was Originally Uploaded by Someone Else, but for Some Reason it was Removed so This Person Decided to Re-Upload it. So How is this Person Re-Uploading the Video if the Original is Gone Unless perhaps They Downloaded it Before it was Removed. This Doesn’t seem all that likely and just Leads to More Questions. This Video got a Lot of Views so it’s Safe to say So Did the Original, YET Not a Single Person Remembers the Uploaded Original Version. To put it Simply Everyone who Knows of this Video knows about it from the Alleged Re-Uploader. This Raises the Question of is the Re-Uploader and the Original Uploader actually THE SAME PERSON, and the Man concocted the Bogus Found Camera Story. I mean the Found Camera Footage on a Digital Camera that just so happened to be in a Public Park of a Major City seems Far Fetched.

In The End We will Never Know if the Video is Real or Fake, What the Substance was, What Happened to the Man, and What the fuck it was all about Until/Unless the Man in the Video is Positively Identified.

Thanks For Reading/Watching,

Presented By Les Sober

FYB’s Sinister Saturday Night Cinema: CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST!

FYB is Proud to Present Tonight’s Sinister Saturday Night Cinema’s 1980 Italian Cannibal Horror Film Directed by Ruggero Deodato and written By Gianfranco Clerici: CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST!!

CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST consists of a Documentary Crew’s Lost Footage, the Presentation of which Pioneered and Innovated the Lost Footage Genre which was Popularized later in THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT.

CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST Achieved Notoriety as its GRAPHIC VIOLENCE aroused a Great Deal of CONTROVERSY! After its Premier in Italy, it was SIEZED by the Local Magistrate, and Deodato was ARRESTED on OBSCENITY CHARGES. Deodato was later Charged with MULTIPLE COUNTS OF MURDER due to Rumors that Alleged Several Actors were actually KILLED ON CAMERA!

Ultimately Deodato was Cleared of All Charges, the Film was BANNED in Italy, Australia, and Several Other Countries due to is GRAPHIC CONTENT, including Sexual Assault, Graphic Depictions of Violence, Mutilation, Decapitation, Cannibalism, Murder, Nudity, Alleged Exploitation of Indigenous Tribes, and Genuine Violence Toward Animals

Some Nations have since Revoked Their Ban, it is Still Upheld in Several Other Countries. In Retrospective Analysis, the Film’s EXTREMELY VIOLENT CONTENT has been Noted as Commentary on Ethic is Journalism, Exploitation of Developing Countries, and the Nature of Modern Society, but These Interpretations have been highly Criticized.

Plot Summery: Harold Monroe an Anthropologist from New York University leads a Rescue Team Deep into the Amazon Rainforest to Locate a Missing Crew of Film Makers. The Crew had gone Missing while Filming a Documentary on LOCAL CANNIBAL TRIBES. When the Rescue Team is ONLY able to RECOVER the Crew’s Lost Footage, Yet an American Television Station wants to Broadcast the Found Footage as a Sensationalized Special. Upon reviewing the Lost Footage Monroe is APPALLED by the Team’s Actions and Objects to The Station’s Intent on Airing the Documentary. The Only thing Monroe can do to possible Stop the Television Broadcast is to Show The Station’s Management the FINAL 2 ROLES OF FILM.

CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST is 1 of the Top Ten Most CONTROVERSIAL movies ever to be Made in fact We Honestly believe this Movie is one of those Rare tings in Life that has to be SEEN to be BELIEVED. With that said…

DISCLAIMER: DUE TO THE GRAPHIC NATURE OF CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST WE STRONGLY RECOMMEND NO ONE UNDER THE AGE 21 VIEW THIS FILM. THIS FILM IS SOLY FOR THE DIE HARD FYB FANATICS. IF YOU ARE FAINT OF HEART, WEAK OF STOMACH, OR ARE EASILY DISTURBED PLEASE BE ADVISED, DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE!

We Hope You Enjoyed Tonights Cannibalistic Slaughterfest as Much as We Did,

Presented by Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (11/365)

Shane then scrawled His signature on the Credit Card Receipt, Said thanks for the Cool Question, Turned just in time to see Glen stick His head in the Door and Peer around disapprovingly, and double timed to towards the Door.

Lee had almost all the information He wanted, but He had to try and get Shane to Answer one lats Question before departing. “Why did Lester Lie to the Town Council telling Them that You Guys were making a Low Budget Horror Movie?”

“I thought a smart Fan like Yourself would have already figured that out.” Shane answer honestly surprised by the Question. Shane looked down at His feet for a minute before providing Lee with His answer. “It was because if You think the fucking Shop Onner’s were fucking pissed about it Imagine if Lester HAD told them the Truth about shooting a Indie Horror Flick? They would have Denied the Permits like a motherfucker, and We still would have Filmed the Scene, but We also would have been subject to the Legal Repercussions. The way Lester did it We had the Proper Permits to Film even though Lester Lied about What kind of Movie We were making it wasn’t technically illegal. It was just a dick Move Ya know.”

With that Shane exited and started His return to Work. Lee sat for a few minutes mulling over the conversation he had just had, and found it quite satisfying. Lee spent the next few hours surfing the Internet Googling the fuck out of whatever entered His Mind at that moment.

Lee spent the majority of His time wandering around the Internet reading up on the History of Cannibalism in Fiji. The most interesting documentation Lee came across was the Testimonials of various Christian Missionaries who had traveled to Fiji in the Hope of Converting the Natives. Now yes some where in fact Killed and Eaten over the Year of Active Cannibalism in Fiji.

Now Life in Historical Fiji was Brutal even for Those Missionaries that were luck enough to not be Murder and subsequently Consumed by the Native Tribes of Fiji was no fucking Picnic that was for sure. The Natives had a habit of Harassing the Hell out of the Missionaries. They frequently tossed Severed Heads or Limbs or Freshly Stripped Human Bones over the Walls on the Monitories littering the lawn with Their Human Leftovers.

Even more Outrageous were the Written Accounts of The Missionaries about the Rival Native Tribes returning from Battle with Prisoners in tow. The Natives were exuberant not just drunk on the Victory in Battle, But that They also got to EAT THE PRISONERS.

Lee thought this was a wonderful example of Perspective. To the Outside World (for the most part there were other Countries that indulged in the Ritual of Cannibalism) Cannibalism was one of the Greatest Taboos, Yet for the Cultures that Practiced Cannibalism (or Necro Cannibalsim or the Eating of the Dead) it was Perfectly Acceptable, and really not that a big of a deal that They ate People, its just what the did. It’s what They were taught growing up. Teaching the Next Generation the Practice of Cannibalism was just like Scumbag Racist indoctrinating They’re Young with Their Hate.

Stay Tuned for Kids Tomorrow’s Installment of Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (12/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

The Horrors in American History: Here Comes The White Guys

Lets face it people White People are Evil as fuck.

I can definitely say that being that I am White, so white in fact if I was any whiter I’d my skin would be translucent. I’m not kidding here I make an Irish man look like some sun bathed Life Guard from Baywatch or some shit.

Now here comes the reality behind that statement.

White Europeans spent Thousands of years Waring for Land and Power or torturing/murdering in the name of Their “God”.

Point being White Europeans were fucked, (then again if you lived through the fucking Black Plague of course your going to be fucked in the head as you watched Two Thirds of Europe die) before they started considering the possibility of Land beyond the boarders of the Oceans.

As for Mr. Christopher Columbus well to refresh our collective memory first of all WASN’T EUROPEAN (AKA WHITE) He was an immigrant from Italy which makes him Mediterranean.

Second he DIDN’T discover America because he was such a shitty explorer that he ended up in the fucking Caribbean haven grossly undershot his initial target.

Not to mention HE WAS LOOKING FOR THE COUNTRY OF INDA AT THE TIME THE FUCKING MORON.

Lastly Columbus DIDN’T DISCOVER ANY CARIBBEAN ISLANDS EITHER.

This is due to the simple fact YOU CAN’T DISCOVER A NEW LAND THATS BEEN POPULATED FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS ALREADY BY INDIGENOUS People(s).

Now fast forward to Between April 2nd to the 8th 1513 When THE SPANISH EXPLORER Juan Ponce de Leon first LANDED on the shores of Florida near St. Augustine and knew it wasn’t fucking India.

Alright now We head to November 11, 1620 when FINALLY WHITE EUROPEANS Pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock after a 66 days Voyage to escape from Britain. 107 fucking years AFTER Ponce de Leon mind you.

The Pilgrims had Their reasons for making such a treacherous and undoubtedly dangerous as fuck journey across the Pond.

The Pilgrims primary issues were One the fucking Tyrannical and Corrupt as hell British Government who just loved taxing the shit out of Their citizens, and generally treating anyone other than Royalty like complete shit. Also the Pilgrims were being Persecuted like a motherfucker for Their Religious Beliefs.

So bottomline life in Britain sucked so goddamn bad the Pilgrims risked life, and limb to escape to the other side of the fucking Ocean for fuck’s sake.

As well all are well fucking aware the Indigenous Indians basically saved the Pilgrims lily White asses from certain death by starvation. And for the most part everyone got along pretty fucking well.

Basically as time ticked on the White Man started to require more and more land up and down the East Coast. Then once that was done They headed slowly but surly farther and fucking farther out West.

Now the ENTIRE fucking time in his pursuit of Land, Power, and Valuable Resources the White Man did everything thing he could think of to totally fuck over the Indigenous Indian Tribes every fucking day of the week and twice on fucking Sundays.

Lets fucking face it ANY, EVERY, AND ALL Deeds, Deals, Treaties or Contracts between the Indians and The White Man were egregiously disregarded, Violated, and Ignored by The White Man rendering them utterly Null and Void.

And when Corruption, Back Stabbing, Lying, Cheating, Stealing, and Two Faced Tactics didn’t work or took too damn long the White Man decided to commit NATION WIDE GENOCIDE. The White Man took to Murdering Indians without Remorse or Consequence with ongoing encouragement from THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT.

One way it made mass murdering the Indigenous People was by Demonizing them, and in this case the White Man used HIS FUCKING RELIGION to justify endless killing. The White Man stated that since these Indigenous People were NOT CHRISTIANS then they were nothing more than Violent Savages, and Uncivilized Heathens something so low it was no longer even to be considered a Person. Not very fucking Christian you ask Me.

Don’t get me wrong there were a number of Indigenous People who the fucking White Man didn’t Kill either through Murder or Disease (ex. Small Pox and other European Diseases that the Native Indians had no resistance to so They became sick and subsequently died. That had to fucking suck ass).

Since these Indigenous People were still alive but defeated as fuck The White Man was fucking kind enough to move The Survivors onto what is called a Reservation.

Reservations kind of sound alright until you fucking realize it just a shitty piece of Land with FEW to NO Resources, Sucks for Farming, Sucks for Hunting and Fishing, and the Weather is Brutal with Harrowing Heat in the Sweltering Summer, and The Crippling Cold of Winter.

So basically a Reservation was, and is unwanted undesirable scrap of shitty land that White Men didn’t/don’t want so They dumped the Indigenous Indians there like a Human Landfill of Flesh.

Not to fucking mention as a side note The White Man introduced ALCOHOL to Native Americans who have an unfortunate predisposition to Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. The SOLE REASON for the introduction by The White Man was to help cheat The Native Americans on fucking various Deals and Treaty’s. The saying was “Its easier to make Deals with Drunken Indians.”

My point is this ALL FUCKING WHITE PEOPLE ARE IMMIGRANTS Whose Ancestors came to America to be Free, were saved from a miserable fucking death by the Native Americans, then turned around and, Robbed, Raped, Cheated, Murdered, and EFFECTIVELY STOLE AMERICA PIECE BY PIECE FROM THE NATIVE AMERICANS THROUGH MURDER AND DOUBLE DEALINGS..

TO all the Racist Assholes in America :

THIS ISN’T YOUR COUNTRY YOUR THE SON/DAUGHTER OF A IMMIGRANT. Columbus didn’t discover A FUCKING THING, and The Spanish got here over 100 fucking years before the first White fucking European from fucking Britain. SO SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU ENTITLED RACIST FUCKWITS.

Our PILGRIM ANCESTORS brought “the Plague of The White Man” to the Shores of America looking for shelter from a CORRUPT AND OPPRESSIVE FUCKING GOVERNMENT as well as RELIGIOUS GODDAMN PERSECUTION, BUT In The End They Became a Corrupt Government , and Religiously Persecuted the Indigenous People for being “Non Christians”.

Nazis, Klans Men, White Nationalists and other Racist Scumfucks are HYPOCRITICAL, IGNORANT, WHITE TRASH PIECES OF SHIT.

Fuck All Forms of Racism.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Heavy Metal March Madness: Malice The Band That Almost Killed Us All Part 3

March 1st, 1988 Malice entered Rancor Studio psyched to record their first record. Unfortunately March 1st, 1988 became known as “Sue Us Sunday” in the Malice camp. The reason was Malice was served papers several times through out the day precluding them from recording a single note. There were being sued by the Promoter from their show at Peoria Illinois Mental Metal Festival for Failure to Complete their contractual agreement by ending their set early. They were also being sued by Rock Out – Cock Out concert Promoters for missing their show scheduled at the Salt Lake City’s “SLC Metal Mayhem” for being a no show again violating their contract.

Alas that wasn’t all as Malice was simultaneously being sued by Lost Soul Productions who sponsored the Alaskan “Madmen of Metal” Festival. Lost Soul had a slew of charges Animal Abuse (for the Von Dire’s accidentally kicking a stray Penguin), Destruction of Personal Property, Desecration of Sacred Soil (The show was on Tribal Lands), Hate Crimes Against the Indigenous Inuits, Failure to complete contractual obligations, Inappropriate and unauthorized use of a Dog Sled, Grand Theft of 2 Dog Sled packs, Trespassing, impeding Tribal Practices, Drunk and Disorderly, Driving under the influence, possession of dangerous controlled substances, possession of Dangerous and Controlled Substance with intent to distribute, Contraband items (ex. Hardcore Porn), Child Endangerment (majority of fans in attendance were under the age of 18), Public Obscenity (for the bands prolific use of foul language on stage, Vandalism, Unpaid bar tab, Possession of unlicensed firearms, and Violation of the Indigenous Tribes Act of 1888, 1889,1909,1911, and 1938.

Yet Malice wasn’t out of the Legal forrest just yet. Malice’s troubles from the Master’s of Metal Festival in Oregon who were suing Malice for Public Intoxication, Drunk and Disorderly, 17 Counts of Assault (resulting from Sleaze and Ulrich impromptu fist fight, and the Security Guards who were also involved in breaking up the fight.), and for violation of contractual obligations. Oregon’s Wall was suing Malice for violation of contract when they showed up and instantly cancelled that nights show due to inflated egos (Malice at that time was heavily in the Media which garnered more and more attention from the music industry. Last but not least Malice was being sued by WhoreMonger Records for breaking their contract when the band opted to sign with Razorback Records.

The Sum Total of All the Law Suits combined came to a Heart Stopping $376,978,763,329.18:

March 2, 1988: Malice started interviewing for a new Manager, and ended up going with Harold Slickmann who had been in the industry for 47 years. Slickmann had managed such Legendary Bands like DTF, The Screaming Cocks, Diver Down, Suicidal Species, and The Drug War Rejects to name a few. Slickmann’s first order of business was to hire All Star Hollywood Lawyer TR McCoy who had made a career, and an art of getting his clients off on obscure technicalities. Malice spent the rest of the day in the studio binge drinking and smoking Crystal Meth, and recorded only the intro to one song.

March 3, 1988 Rage returned from a visit to the Emergency Room, and called a band meeting. Rage announced he was leaving the band, and took a moment to explain. Rage had gotten a rather toothy blow job from a heavily intoxicated Groupie resulting in Rage receiving several cuts on his cock. Rage had thought nothing of it until some of the cuts became infected, but was so freaked out that he was too scared to go to the doctor.

When Rage did finally panic enough to finally seek medical attention he was informed the infected cuts had succumbed to gangrene. In fact the gangrene was so sever at that point there was nothing the doctor could do but amputate the gangrenous penis. Rage’s medical issue didn’t end there as the gangrene had spread to include Rage’s balls which too would need to be amputated, and then he would need several skin grafts to rehabilitate his gangrene affected taint. Faced with the dire situation Rage had decided to decline further treatment, and was going to Iceland where he’d wait to die. Malice entered the Rancor Studio and finished recording their album which wasn’t hard since Malice had been playing their own songs for ages.

March 4, 1988 Malice placed an add for a new Drummer because they wanted Rage to pick his successor before he departed to Iceland and into the Grave. Rage after endless interviews and several hours of deliberation in isolation told the band he was going to hire Mitch Furry. Mitch Fury was the ex-Drummer for The Dolts, The Tools, and The Dullards all of which Rage was a fan so it seemed to make the most sense. Now While Malice had completed their first album and brainstorming a title they decided to record some Cover Tunes or B-Sides on which Fury could/would play on.

March 5, 1988 Rage boarded his flight to Iceland never to be seen again. Malice decided to dedicate their first album to Rage and settled on the name Ragearrhea (a combination of Rage and Diarrhea because Rage always got a kick out of the GG Allin Song “Eat My Diarrhea” for being so absurdly over the top) Malice spent the rest of the day editing Ragearrhea over and over never quite all agreeing it was ready for release.

That night the entire band ate Acid an downed it with 191 proof Moonshine that a fan had sent them. When the sun arose Slickmann received a phone call fro the Police from Plankton 3 towns over to come retrieve his clients. Slickmann drove directly to the Plankton Police Department assuming the boys were sitting in jail (or more likely the Drunk Tank), but when he arrived he was informed that in fact the Band hadn’t been jailed. Confused as fuck Slickmann asked then where exactly was he supposed to go to pick up his clients, and was told to drive to the So Sweet Citrus Farm just 14 miles down the road from the Police Station.

Once Slickmann arrived at So Sweet Citrus Farm Slickmann was led by a Police Officer into an Orange Grove. There looked up and saw the band, all buck naked, and sitting balled up in a rather large orange tree. The fire department was there and allowed Slickmann the use of one of their ladders to assigned up into the branches to retrieve his clients. Once Slickmann reached the first member being Von Dire reached out to grab his arm and demand what the hell was going on. Before a single finger touched Von Dire he uttered two words “Not Ripe.”

It was then Slickmann realized the band was tripping so hard they actually thought they were oranges. So Slickmann thinking fast on his feet told the band that if they weren’t safe in his car they would be picked,pulverized, and have their juice drained. Slickmann’s plan worked and one by one the band members dropped to the ground where Slickmann picked them up and carried each one to his awaiting car.

March 8, 1988 after 3 days of non stop hallucinating Malice came down and back into the studio to put the finishing touches on Ragearrhea. During the editing process Von Dire was manically twisting knobs and switching dial when he suddenly became sick and vomited bloody feces on the elaborate sound board, and then sharted out his entire liver. The Engineer flipped the fuck out and dialed 911 while trying not to vomit himself. The Coroner pronounced Von Dire Dead on Arrival (but not after stealing Von Dire’s liver which he later sold on EBay for $1.5 Million) In Surprise and Sorrow Sleaze shot up heroin by piggy backing needles into his neck, and passed out in an ally, Vile got piss drunk and passed out under an bridge, and Fury sobered up and found himself inexplicably in Detroit.

March 9, 1988 Malice gave Von Dire the Authentic Viking Funeral he always wanted. They had a large wooden raft constructed from logs of trees nearby, placed Von Dire’s body on the raft, and then placed personal items of Dire’s such as his favorite microphone, Porno, and Bong. The band then took turns saying a few words of Dire’s behalf, and then they set the raft adrift. Once it was far enough out Von Dire’s brother Van Dire shot a flaming arrow out above the water where it found its mark hitting the raft dead on. The raft burst into flame and slowly floated off into the setting sun on the horizon.

March 10, 1988 Malice meets with Executives from Razorback Records where they gave them the completed Ragearrhea Album which they fell instantly in love with. They then tasked Malice to pick which track from the album would be their first single, and being extremely concerned over the fact their new hot band (with a new record hot of the presses) in fact had no lead singer instructed Malice to hire one ASAP Yesterday. Malice went to a downtown dive bar named The Drunkard to discuss their options as far as a new singer was concerned.

Fury had been in a band called Finger Fucker and suggested that they perhaps should consider trying to recruit their lead singer Izzy Insane. The rest of the band agreed it wouldn’t be the worst idea to at least go check Izzy out, and as luck should have it they were playing a show later that night at The Leisure Club.

Vile and Sleaze were impressed enough that (along with Fury) they made Izzy an offer. It turned out Izzy was fighting with the other members of Finger Fucker because the band didn’t approve of Izzy getting engaged to Maxi Padd (the lead singer of all female hardcore punk band Slut City.) No member of Malice gave a shit about who Izzy was involved with in the least which Izzy found a breath fresh air. Izzy left that night with Malice not even bothering to mention he was quitting to his fellow band members in Finger Fucker.

March 11, 1988 Malice informed Razorback that they have indeed found themselves a new lead singer in Izzy Insane. A delighted Razorback informed Malice that they would start the Pre Album Release promotion machine,book numerous interviews, and would be scheduling a American as well as European Tour to also promote the Album. About 4 hours later Razorback called back and inform the band that They had announced the New Album and the supporting tour. Now this is were things started to get a bit insane.

Razorback then went on to tell the band that due to the unanticipated, but amazingly massive response towards the new Album They were releasing the it early. Instead of sticking with the original release date of April 18th were in fact now going to release it tomorrow. That in turn meant the “Carnal Carnival” Tour would also be moved up too (when fans heard of the upcoming tour launched a berauge of demand for tickets upon any concert venue in their city desperately seeking tickets) The tour would now be starting off in the days on March 14th with the first show in Berwick-upon-Tweed Northumberland, England.

March 12, 1988 Malice headed to the International Air Port to catch their flight to England in preparation for their first show of their “Carnal Carnival” tour. Meanwhile Razorback launched Malice’s debut Record now titled “Disputing The Charges” in America where the fans went buck wild. Record Stores sold out of the Album, Fans franticly flocked to score concert tickets like mad, and Malice sold out of all other merch (such as T-Shirts and Bumper Stickers) as well. Razorback was so overwhelmed buy the never seen before success of Malice the quickly dropped all of their other acts to solo focus on their Cash Cow. In response to the increasing demand for all things Malice Razorback also contracted 22 new factories to print as many Albums as the could with large cash bonuses for speed of production were also offered. Razorback then dealt with the Malice Concert tour issues by tripling all of Malice’s show American Concert dates (meaning if Malice was originally scheduled to play 1 show Friday they would now be playing additional shows on Saturday and Sunday), and then Razorback signed 11,314 exclusive contracts for Malice merchandising retail sales.

March 14, 1988 Razorback called Slickmann at 5 am to tell him Malice’s album had actually gone to the number one spot on the Billboard charts. Radio stations were playing 12 Malice songs an hour (an average of 3 per 15 minutes of air time), and MTV was beating down there door wanting to know when the band would be releasing a video. Based on that Razorback had booked an emergency video shoot for the very next day to capitalize on Malice’s first European Show and first show of their “Carnal Carnival”Tour.

Slickmann went to The Wellington House a lovely little British Bed and Breakfast that Razorback has mistakenly reserved for Malice’s stay while on tour. Slickmann arrived to find the Wellington trashed beyond recognition, the irate Owner screaming at the Police while his hysterical wife sat on the from lawn, and every member of the band laying about the grounds in various states of intoxication and undress. Slickmann snuck around the well distracted Police Officers and managed to collect both Vile and Fury literally dragging them by their ankles to the parked tour Van. Once Slickmann secured his first two clients (simply by buckling them into their seat, plus if they wriggled free of the seat belts the steering wheel being on the left would confuse them to no end) went back to retrieve Sane and Sleaze who were awkwardly positioned sprawled out on the front lawn.

Slickmann slithered up to the Owner’s Wife and proceeded to agitate her further into a complete tizzy. He then walked over to the Owner grabbed him by the shoulder and spun him around like a top. Once the Owner and Slickmann were face to face Slickmann suggested the man’s time would be better spent calling his lawyer than screaming at the Police. The tactic worked like a charm and the Owner took off to call his lawyer. The Police thanked Slickmann and then turned their attention to the Owner’s Wife’s mental meltdown. At this point Slickmann snagged Sleaze and Sane, ushered them to the Van and sped off as fast as he could.

Right before they were headed to the stage Malice got a call from Razorback in their dressing room. Razorback wanted to let the band know that since they had failed to pick the first single for Ragearrhea they had. Razorback decided to go with “Its Easy Being Sleazy” followed by “Liquor, Ladies, and Lingerie”, and then “Beer Belly Blues”. Malice thought that was fine because it didn’t require them to do jack diddly shit, and that combined with the fact the band actually didn’t care which song was used as the single (Sleaze was on record in an interview with Metalhead Magazine that as far as he was concerned singles shitty singles as singles were complete shit.)

The Show that night was a massive success as the fans went fucking wild, and Malice ended up playing 4 encores after their 3 1/2 hour set. The band was in and downing good spirits, and went out to the only Strip Club called The Lusty Lass for a post show party. There Vile met a pair of Siamese Twin Sisters (they shared a mutual pinky) who worked as contortionists in a traveling State Fair, and fell madly in love with them, we’re talking head over heels hallmark type shit here. Vile ended up marrying the Spinster Sisters in two individual ceremonies at the neighbor hood Pub by a drunken Minister, and the two Sisters (Una and Dosa) joined the band for the remainder of their tour.

March, 15th 1988 Malice showed up 6 hours and High off their asses for their video shoot. The day was a total fucking shit show as the band was too intoxicated to follow any direction no matter how simple. Sleaze kept nodding off due to having shot up enough Heroin to kill a Horse while Vile kept walking off in search of any type Alcohol, and Fury just stood in place swaying slightly drooling on himself comatose. Sane was running around like a cracked out jack rabbit after snorting a quarter ounce of Crystal Meth that morning for breakfast. The original video director walked off set saying he couldn’t work with a group of untalented American drunks and druggies, the Assistant director took over only to quit half an hour later because he couldn’t handle the ongoing chaos. At this point Slickmann knew it was time to step up his game.

First Slickmann snatched the Bottle of RotGut Fortified Wine from his trunk he kept for emergencies such as this. Slickmann then flagged down Vile and gave him the bottle along with his Bass. Then Slickmann found a Camera man who happened to sell Cocaine to supplement his income, bought an 8 Ball, and gave it to Sleaze with the instructions to “Wake The Fuck Up”. Now Slickmann turned his attention to Sane, and managed to score a handful of pills (Valium, Vicodin, Xanax, and Oxycontin) which he handed to Sane telling him to grind them up and snort them ASAP (Snorting crushed up pills allows the user to feel the effects faster then swallowing them) Finally Slickmann had to deal with Fury which he injected with an EpiPen (which is essential Adrenaline) he stole from a onsite first aid kit.

Once the members of Malice had balanced out their intoxicants the shoot was locked and loaded, but they still need a Director so once again Slickmann stepped in as Director. The video shoot went splendidly and the band was done Shooting in just under 30 minutes. Slickmann then immediately sent the video to Razorback Records, and a copy to MTV.

May 16, 1988 Nothing Eventful or Interesting occurred. Slickmann slipped Roofies into Malice’s morning Bloody Mary’s rendering them unconscious for 19 hours straight. Slickmann had a pleasant and restful day setting up interviews, talking to various companies about sponsorship/product endorsement/advertising deals and so on.

March 17, 1988 That morning Malice did a marathon session of magazine interviews with Revolver, RollingStone, Hit Parader, Mental For Metal, and Circus just for starters. Malice also had done a ton of interviews via the phone with Radio Shows such as Bubba and BooYah in the Morning, The Howard Stern Show, and The Greaseman Morning Show. The Band went to The Booze Hound Bar and drank their lunch before heading over to a local High School where Slickmann had the AV Club ready and waiting to film an interview for MTV’s Headbanger’s Ball (MTV’s Saturday at Midnight Heavy Metal Show). After the MTV video interview was done Malice headed off to The Local Yokel Amphitheater in Swansea Wales a rough and tumble town plagued by poverty and drug addiction.

The Show was a raging success with the Highlight being Sane led the Audience in a sing-a-long of their Cock Rock Classic “Free Mustache Rides (All Day Long)” and pulled one lucky Fan on stage to sing the chorus for Malice’s impromptu a cover of The Eater’s of The Dead” by the Legendary Punk Band The Perv’s.

March 18, 1988 At an early breakfast meeting Sleaze announced that he felt at home in Swansea’s nitty gritty and often shitty city life. Plus there was plenty of high grade Heroin to go around so Sleaze truly was in his element. With this sudden and new life choice Sleaze would be leaving the band to pursue his dream of being a washed up junkie has been. Before Malice’s Management shit the bed Sleaze informed the band he had already found his/their replacement guitarist. Sleaze’s replacement would his younger brother Davie Scum who already knew all of Malice’s songs by heart, and who’s last band The Dire had imploded over artistic differences. The other members of Malice didn’t object as they figured if Davie was Sleaze’s Little brother then he’d be bad ass enough for them.

That night’s show was a disaster of epic proportions. First off Malice missed sound check showing up while their opening act The Slags (a local band booked for that night) were in the middle of their set. The Slags were having a hell of a night and the crowd was on fucking fire so The Slags did a couple of encores to a roaring Audience. When the Slags announced they’d be playing yet another encore Malice lost their collective Mind. All Members of Malice ran out on stage and started pushing and shoving members of The Slag’s while trying to wrestle their instruments from them.

Gunther Gunner the lead Singers of The Slags head butted the shit out of Sane breaking his nose, Vile then kicked Gunner square in the balls so hard he vomited. Seeing this Roger Dodger (the Guitarist of The Slags) grabbed his guitar strap off his guitar and proceeded to whip Vile relentlessly with it like a dog. Fury came to Vile’s aid by smashing Dodger upside his head with a Microphone Stand which split Dodger’s head open like a ripened cantaloupe sending a torrent of blood exploding forth from a massive gash on Dodger’s forehead. Scum being the new kid on the block and not wanting to show band unity Started breaking beer bottles over the head of any The Slags band members. Security scrambled on stage to stop the brawl and became part of it instead, it was a may lay of fists and feet as the fight turned into every man for themselves.

The fans of each band in the front row started beating the hell out of each other which spread through out the Audience until the entire venue had erupted in a full blown Riot. The Police came speeding in with their lights blazing, and officers started jumping out of their patrol cars and strapping into their riot gear. The fans began vandalizing the Venue, and set fire to all of the concession booths as the first round of Tear Gas came raining down. By the time Law Enforcement had gotten the scene under control 227 Fans were treated for various injuries (ranging from small cuts to a gut who got kicked so hard in the head his eyes popped, and swung back end forth on the optic nerves), 379 Fans were arrested, and one Fan died (it was later corner listed the cause of death as a heart attack most likely caused by the extreme excitement of seeing his favorite band Malice Live). Malice was arrested, held over night, and released on $500,000 Bail with a new list of charges.

March 19, 1988 Malice Arrived in Italy for their show in the city of Urbino the next day, when they were stopped by customs. A Customs Agent led the band into a small detention room where they were met by The Polizia di Stato (The Italy’s State Police). The Polizia where there to inform the Band that they were there to Arrest Vic Vile on the charge of Polygamy. They stated that since Vile had married the Spinster Sister’s Una and Dosa individually meaning he was in fact married to two different women.

Slickmann sent for the Band’s high profile Lawyer TR McCoy who arrived a few hours later on his private sonic jet, and then jumped in a waiting Bentley Limo he had custom made (TR McCoy lived in Italy one month out of the year, and owned a spacious Mediterranean Villa in Venice) By the time TR McCoy arrived at the Police station he was told Vile had been taken to the Court House already to stand trial. McCoy then hauled ass over to the Court House only to discover Vile’s trial was already over, and he had been found guilty. McCoy then sped over to the County Prison to consult with Vile and see if he could bail him out, but once at the Prison the Warden told McCoy that since Vile had been found guilty he was then sentenced immediately. Now considering the Italy’s long and illustrious history of Christianity (and high concentration of Catholic’s )called for a Polygamist be put to death. So for all his efforts and killer response time McCoy was too late to do a damn thing, but to arrange Vile’s body to be sent back to America for Burial.

Malice’s show that night fared no better. The Stadium that Malice was scheduled to play at was being protested and heavily picketed by the Catholic Coalition of Christ since Malice had been condemned as an abomination by the current Pope. That nights fill in bassist (for the newly deceased Vic Vile was strolling into the venue when the Protester’s spotted and attacked him pelting him mercilessly with Crucifixes, Whipping him with Rosaries, and beating him brutally with a various variety of Bibles. The poor guy ended up in a mock crucifixion in the middle of the parking lot.

The Protest was so heated that when Malice arrived they were trapped on their tour bus surrounded by religious fanatics with signs that said things like “Malice: The Sound Track To Hell” or “Malice is the Sinful Servants of SATAN” screaming scripture non stop yelling over each other. Malice decided the protest was a huge hassle and had agreed leaving was their only option, but not before Scum climbed out of the emergency exit on the roof off the bus to address the protesters.

Scum repeatedly made the sign of the cross upside down, waving his “Devil Horns” (as the hand jester is referred too), and pelting people with copies of The Cult of Id’s “Hedonism Not Hell” inciting further rage against the group. Scum then attempted to shit on the Protesters, but to no avail as he was seriously constipated due to taking fist full of Opioid Pain Killers) Slickmann buckled down that night (while Malice retreated to Sex Club for its Annual All Anal Orgy, and tried to do all of the drugs in Italy) for the PR nightmare no doubt coming first thing in the morning.

March 20, 1988 The phone rang off the fucking hook starting at 6 am as a the Press blitzkrieg began. It seemed ever Media outlet was beating down Malice’s Hotel room door to get a piece of the impending Scandal steaming from last nights failed show. Scum went on record stating his official opinion was that the Protesters (as well as anyone else) were fanatical assholes who Weaponize the Bible for their own personal beliefs or agendas. Sane’s statement to the Press was simply that “I shoot Dope with The Pope.” Meanwhile Fury got so shitfaced that he just rambled incoherently about different conspiracy theories such as the Illuminati were behind the anti-Malice Protest.

Now while Malice manned the phones Slickmann had to deal with the shipping of Vile’s body Stateside which had happened to go from bad to worse. The Italian Government claimed they had sent the body via an International Cargo Ship, but Vile’s body had been somehow lost at sea along the voyage. Slickmann had to think fast and came up with the plan to call Vile’s Family (and as far as the Press was concerned) and tell them Vic wanted to be Buried at Sea. Next on Slickmann’s agenda was handling his fair share of the Press Onslaught that was still raging on with no sign of stopping. After several hours of dealing with the Press Slickmann realized in all the chaotic madness that no one had addressed the fact that Malice needed a replacement Bassist.

Slickmann thought up a Hail Mary, and had Sane contact his Fiancé Maxi Padd who was the Singer/Bassist of the All Female Punk Band Slut City. In a turn of good luck Slut City was on hideous so She was able to fill in for Vile until the end of the tour. Once again association with a Malice member was good enough to get the green light from the rest of the band making Maxi the official new Malice Bassist.

That nights show at the Benito de Soto Amphitheater was suddenly cancelled because apparently a gang of Soccer Hooligans at the previous night’s game between intense rivals The Matador ‘s versus The Revolucionaria de los Trabajadores Alliance got out of hand. Well in fact it turned into one giant fist fight between fan’s as bottles and Molotov Cocktails were tossed around like footballs. By the time the Police dispersed the Crowd, and arrested as many perpetrators as they could the Amphitheater was well on its way to burning to the ground.

March 22, 1988 Malice was detained at Ireland’s Kilkenny International Air Port under suspicion of Smuggling Exotic Animals. It only took about 15 minutes or so for the band to be cleared by Customs, and they headed straight to the Hotel accommodations. Slickmann had booked the band the Penthouse Suit to celebrate the tour success thus far a decision he’d later regret.

That nights show at The NewDublin Stadium went off without incident which was a relief to many. Back at the Penthouse Malice called in a small army of Escorts and Strippers up, and hired a professional camera crew to film their Rock Opera Porno Movie. For the next 3 days Malice barricaded themselves in the Penthouse running up a six figure room service tab as Pimps, Prostitutes, Porn Stars, and Associated Drug Dealers came and went constantly in and out 24 hours a day in a seemingly endless procession. The Hotel Management was on the verge of calling the Police the entire 72 hours, but Slickmann threw enough money at them that held off. Slickmann had again contacted TR McCoy the band’s high powered Lawyer and had him fly in to assist with the legal issues of the absurd situation.

On the evening of the 3rd day Malice finally emerged from the Penthouse suit looking like cadavers with pale skin, sunken eyes, blank expressions, and in a drug induced haze. Skillmann checked every member of Malice into the closest Detox he could find to have the drugs pumped out of his half dead clients. While Malice was Detoxing Slickmann met up with TR McCoy back at the Hotel for a meeting at the infamous Rock Opera Porn suit as it was now being referred to by the staff. When the two walked into the Penthouse looked more like a Crack House.

The furniture for the most part had been smashed to pieces or had just seemed to have vanished into thin air. There were 4 bare mattresses laying randomly on the floor which was littered in a thick blanket of Beer and Booze Bottles. Over flowing ash trays were perched on every viable surface like little cancer landslides. The toilet was broken, the shower had been left running and there was a variety of drug paraphernalia stashed all over the place, Crack Pipes in the couch, empty Drug Baggies laying all about, mirrors coated with Cocaine residue, numerous syringes, Meth Pipes on and under the only remaining table, Heroin spoons in the kitchen lined the counter like from some Dope Shooting contest, and clusters of empty pill bottles were stacked up in the corners. Slickmann and McCoy instantly agreed to have their discussion out in the hall as they were sure they would contract every venlarial disease known to man.

McCoy said he would fend off any possible legal issues with the Hotel with a fat ass check, and any issues’s with local Law Enforcement McCoy would claim that due to the prolific drug/alcohol use were rendered temporarily insane due to drug induced psychosis. Slickmann’s job was to hunt down and confiscate every piece of footage of Malice or their movie from the past 72 hours and destroy it which somehow he managed to do by asking questions and writing a plethora of checks. Slickmann then picked up Malice at the Detox and escorted then directly to their private plane without a single moment to waste. As Malice’s plane was just taking off the Police showed up and stormed the Airport looking to arrest Malice for a Soliciting Prostitution, Soliciting Narcotics, Vandalism, Grand Theft (the missing Hotel Furniture), Illegal filming of Pornographic material, Bribery, Obstruction of Justice, and Obscenity. McCoy remained behind at the Air Port to deal with Police and Malice’s long list of assorted charges.

March 25, 1988 Malice’s arrival in Germany was met with a grand fanfare as hundreds of Fans had found out where and when Malice’s plane (usually kept as a well guarded secret to avoid Fan interference) was landing. Skillmann instructed the Pilot to take off and head for McMillan Air Strip immediately. After landing once again this time at a Fan free Airport Malice hurriedly made their way to the Concert Venue cancelling their Hotel reservation on the way (they figured if the mob at the Airport had found out when/where they were landing then they more than likely knew what Hotel they were staying at.)

That night Malice played to a record setting sold out crowd of Beer Fueled Fanatical Fans. During the guitar solo for Malice’s number one album chart topping song “Late Night Loving” Malice’s equipment over powered the Stadium’s electrical system causing it to explode, and shrouding the entire Stadium in a cloak of darkness. This prompted Scum to snag a Megaphone and invite everyone in attendance to join Malice for drinks at The Duggered Dog Pub down the street from the Stadium. Malice stayed to party with their adoring fans into the wee hours of the morning, and ended up going straight from The Duggered Dog to their Plane the next day.

On the way to the plane Slickmann noticed Fury was missing from the line up. Slickmann then interrogated the other members of Malice as to Fury’s whereabouts, but still being 16 times the legal limit none of them seemed to know. Sane volunteered that Fury had left the Pub in search of information on his German heritage. Slickmann breathed a sigh of relief, and couldn’t believe his luck that the answer to Fury’s exact location at this time was such an easy one. Slickmann told the chauffeur to drive to The National German Heritage Museum.

The scene that greeted Slickmann when he arrived at the National German Heritage Museum was right out of a TV Crime Drama. There were 2 Police cars parked with their light flashing but sirens off behind a Ambulance. On the sidewalk in front of the museum were two EMTs standing on either side of a man strapped to a stretcher, and that man was Mitch Fury naked covered head to toe in what looked like shit. Slickmann approached one of the EMTS to inquire to what the hell happened.

The EMT told him that when the staff of the museum had showed up to work that morning they noticed that one of the front windows had been smashed out. Initially they thought it was just some local high school vandals had gotten drunk and decided to raise hell. Upon entering the museum however they saw sign of an intruder leading from the broken window into the World War 2 Wing of the museum. It was at that point the concerned staff phoned the Police who arrived promptly to investigate the breaking and entering.

What the Police found was as disturbing as it was absurd. Fury was totally naked, covered in his own feces clutching the leg of a Mannequin dressed in a Nazi SS Uniform, swaying back and forth while muttering “I’m a Piece of Shit” over and over inconsolably. From what the Police had figured out at this point was an intoxicated Fury had broken into the museum to “research” his family tree as he was of German heritage, and had suffered a sudden phycological breakdown when he found out he was directly related to Adolf Hitler (via a bastard baby Hitler had with a Sausage Factory Worker in 1939) Slickmann called the Record Label as Fury was taken to Schietzer State Metal Hospital for further evaluation.

March 26, 1988 After hearing Slickmann’s update on Malice and their current tour instructed Skillmann to do the following. The first was get Malice on their plane and fly them State side immediately, and leave Fury in the care of the German Mental Health Professionals for now. Razorback wasn’t having Malice return because they were pissed off at the Band for their excessive on and off stage outrageous antics it was quite the opposite. Razorback had racked up so much money from having Malice as a client was truly monumental (example half of the current staff at Razorback got so rich that the retired early). Thus it was in Razorback’s best financial interests to have their Cash Cow back in the pasture. They set up a stay for Malice at the most secluded and private (not to mention government level security) Hawaiian’s Elite Spa where they were to go directly from the German Airport. Slickmann was then told to fly to Los Angeles to meet with the company heads at Razorback Records to talk shop and marketing strategies.

For the rest of the month of March Malice enjoyed the Coconut-Ketamine Coma Dream Therapy offered at Elite Spa, lounging by the poor downing Daiquiris, smoking high grade Marijuana, and chronically masturbating like Monkeys. Skillmann met with the Executives at Razorback for a 5 day all out marketing madman meeting holed up in the company’s Board Room surviving on Energy Drinks, Protein Bars, and a copious amount Gin.

Stay Tuned For Malice: The Band That Almost Killed Us All part 4 Coming Soon…..

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober

The Insanity in Editing Revision #3

Revision #3 for The Butchers of Backwater

The Butchers of Backwater:
“The Thrill to Kill to Spill Blood so Fresh, The Toll Your Soul shall PAY IN FLESH.” – Asher Leviticus 1803

The pungent odor of the smelling salts filled Joel’s nostrils as he snapped awake like he was hit by a lighting bolt. His vision was blurred and he strained his eyes to the point of pain, squinting to make out where he was. Joel’s head was pounding like there was a giant metronome banging away in his head. His eyes adjusted to the dim candle light of the chandelier and various candelabra’s which sent shadows dancing on the walls with wild abandon. The wall paper was so old it had become yellowed and as brittle as parchment. Large pictures of grim stoic figures which Joel assumed where family ancestors in dingy gaudy gold frames lined all four walls of the dinning room. Some of the people in the paintings looked somewhat deformed but Joel dismissed this as a characteristic of the stone faced portraits of the past where no one dared smile. The black and white old photographs had faded in various degrees from whitened smudged edges to almost fully faded and black in appearance. The subjects of photos as well as

the paintings wore emotionless poker faces.There were two medieval looking candelabras on the table placed at each end these in combination with the chandelier did little to combat the darkness which encapsulated the room.

Joel’s eyes came slowly into focus he could see he was in a rather large dinning room that was reminiscent of the kind one might find in an Old Southern farmhouse. Joel was restrained with thick chains that bound his feet together, and secured his arms to the arms to that of an old oak chair. The chains were coiled around Joel’s torso like a metallic python as well. Joel was positioned at one end of the table opposite the designated head. He strained against the chains to no avail as it became a reality that he wasn’t going anywhere, and was being held as some sort of hostage. There was a full place setting in front of Joel consisting of a antique china plate that was chipped around its perimeter. There were three forks, two spoons and a knife laid out as well that were very old and genuine silver. The cutlery showed it age. Oxidation over years had left its trade mark patina giving the utensils a tarnished appearance. Joel became a deep commanding voice with a distinct drawl coming from behind him.

“Ah, I see our company has risen from his prolonged slumber. I was beginning to fear that you might never be returning to this world of the living, but look at you now. A true testament to a man’s will and his perseverance over that which is problematic.”

Joel was still struggling with all his might to come fully back to his senses. Questions swarmed Joel’s battered brain like enraged Hornets adding to his continued confusion. Where the hell am I? Who’s house is this?” “How’d I even get here”,but most of all at this particular

moment the primary question was “Who is this man and why did he restrain me with an excessive amount of chains?”

“Mr. Joel Fletcher you have a definite look of confusion as to where you are and to that which is going on.”said the voice with a slight tone of mockery.

Joel then heard the distinct sound of a centuries old wooden floor sighing with long groans. The foot steps were coming closer and closer from behind Joel. Joel tried to hide his increasing anxiety and fought to keep his voice from wavering.

“Who are you? What in the name of christ is going on here? What do you want?” Joel said as his speech increased its rate of speed. Damn it Joel thought to himself I can’t show weakness, I must remain calm and as focused as possible considering the current circumstances.

“Questions abound don’t they Mr. Fletcher? You shall have all the answers you desire shortly I assure you.” The voice said from directly behind Joel so close that Joel could smell the stink of cigarette smoke.

Suddenly a very tall and lean elderly man strode out from behind Joel’s seat and quickly crossed the vast dining room in only a couple of strides stopping at the head of the table. The old man was dressed in a crisp brilliantly white suit complete with a bolo tie. For a split second Joel wondered if he had fallen victim to the demented relatives of Colonel Sanders from the KFC advertisements of his youth. The old man had a full beard that was as white as his suit and long shoulder length hair that for some reason was as black as the bottom of an abyss. The old man pulled his chair out and took a seat. He slowly lowered his long and thin body into a chair.

The old man crossed his legs and rested his arms on the table at either side of a second place setting. The old man reached into his suit jacket and removed a cigarette case. He opened the case, removed a cigarette and tapped it lightly and deliberately on the exterior of the case. The old man took a few minutes, which seemed like an eternity to Joel, to locate his Zippo lighter which had the Leviticus family crest on it . The old man lit his cigarette taking in the first couple of drags with gusto before exhaling. A cloud of lingering smoke hovered around his head like a demonic mist.

Once Joel’s eyes met the gentlemen stranger the man began speaking. “You must pardon our lack of light for dining. You see with my condition, I’m an albino you see, I’m afraid my disadvantaged eyes are rather sensitive to light, thusly we forgo the harsh light of electricity in favor of the softer less offensive light of candles.”said the Gentlemen as he puffed away on his cigarette like it was going out of style.

“We? We who? I only see you and me sitting here.” Joel asked nervously, his voice now quivering uncontrollably.

“Well then, as you are my honored guest allow me to explain. My family name is Leviticus and we have kept our bloodline pure for centuries even before my family made their way to America. My family was of great wealth and status until the civil war tore us asunder. War is hell Mr. Joel. War is hell indeed.” said Mr. Leviticus in a slow and steady tone before a brief pause. “After the war my family was banished into the backwaters of the Mississippi were they eked out a meager living hunting Alligators and selling their skins. Then came the unfortunate great depression and the rural people of this land left this place to find greener pastures in bigger towns and even the cities. My family being tougher than the gator skins they sold decided to stay put for we would not lose the rest of our family to the industrial world beyond the boarders of the bayou.” Mr. Leviticus said with pride as he stared off into oblivion.

“Now alas, my brother and I are all that remains of the once great Leviticus Family lineage.” continued Mr. Leviticus who at this point seemed to be talking to himself as he didn’t acknowledge Joel’s presence as he spoke.

“Due to the family tradition of keeping the family bloodline clean and pure, there have been some issues of health with the later generations such as the deformity of both body and mind. My brother being the last offspring born into this family suffers egregiously from these afflictions you see Mr. Fletcher.”

Just then the massive silhouette of a man filled the immense doorway behind the seated Mr. Leviticus.

“Ah Yes dinner is served I do hope you enjoy pork Mr. Fletcher” declared Mr. Leviticus with great pleasure.

“Where is my brother?” Joel asked anxiously as he suddenly remembered they had been traveling together. They were documenting the impact the oil spill had wreaked upon the Gulf of Mexico and those whose livelihood as fishermen had been destroyed.

“You see Mr. Joel when my brother and I happened upon you as well as your aforementioned brother. You were both being beaten mercilessly by a group of roving bikers outside a rather unattractive bar in Bella, the text town over from ours. I phoned the police at

which point the bikers fled. My brother and I collected y’all, brought you to our family home, mended your wounds and have been caring for y’all ever since.” answered Mr. Leviticus promptly.

Before Joel could get the next question out of his mouth the monstrous silhouette standing in the doorway made its way into the room carrying two dinner plates, one in each hand. The mountain of a man was covered in a thick layer of sweat and he had gnarled twisted up limbs like that of an ancient live oak. He stooped and placed a plate in front of Mr. Leviticus delicately. The grotesque giant was wearing grimy dirt encrusted over alls without a shirt. As Mr. Leviticus’s younger brother made his way over to Joel was the floor boards strained to support the weight of his extremely large frame. Long greasy unkept hair obscured the titan’s face. This was accentuated by the fact that Mr. Leviticus’s brother tended to walk with his head lowered as if in mourning. The large man made his way over to Joel where he unceremoniously dropped a plate on the table. The plate crashed down upon the table with a loud clatter which caused some of the meat juice to splatter.

“Eli!” yelled Mr. Leviticus outraged, “You know quite well this table is a family heirloom and must be treated with the respect it deserves. Must you be such an uncouth savage brother? Your just lucky that what you lack in mind you make up for in body. Now leave us and don’t let playing with your food to even enter your minuscule mind.”

Eli who had frozen into a statue at the mention of his name cocked his head sideways with his back to his brother, Mr. Leviticus, as if he was struggling to control his own outrage. His gargantuan muscles tightening at every word that came out of his irritated brother’s mouth. It seemed that Mr. Leviticus’s brother was physically affected by his the harsh reprimanding. When Mr. Leviticus was done chastising his younger brother Eli promptly bent down and wiped the meat juice off the table with one of his hotdog sized fingers. He then hastily exited the dining room utilizing the door behind Joel. Joel’s nostrils were overcome by the smell of rotting flesh that wafted off Eli as he lumbered past on his way out of the room.

“Please excuse my brother’s lack of manners. He is not as civilized as your aforementioned brother. His appearance is quite off-putting especially upon the in initial meeting.” said Mr. Leviticus apologetically before continuing “Dig in Mr. Fletcher you need to regain your strength.”

Joel was starving. He tore in to his meal. His body craved the sustenance. He and Mr. Leviticus ate in silence. Joel couldn’t help but notice the pork chops were fresh and succulent unlike any he had eaten before. The meat was so tender it melted in Joel’s mouth coating his tongue with the fantastic taste of the meat. The smell of the meat was intoxicating just on its own.

“Pardon me Mr. Leviticus but this pork is delicious. I hope you have treated my brother, Zander, as kindly and also treated him to a wonderful meal like this.” Joel said honestly.

“Don’t worry Mr. Fletcher Zander is here in spirit and on the plate I assure you.” Mr. Leviticus said matter of factly with a slight sneer.

“What the hell are you talking about? What are you saying?” Joel asked in full blown panic his heart pounding as if it was attempting hammer its way through Joel’s ribcage.

“You see Mr. Fletcher when times are tough and food is scarce my family’s motto is “If there is no meat there is always man” and this motto has gotten us through many a lean time in our history. We are you see cannibals of conviction and convenance . My family acquired this trait after my ancestor Barnabas Leviticus spent some time in the Fiji Islands back in 1839.”announced Mr. Leviticus as he leisurely chewed his meal with an air of great satisfaction.

“You have to understand that a key piece of Fijian history revolves around cannibalism as my illustrious great granddaddy four times over found out first hand himself.” Continued Mr. Leviticus with admiration. “The indigenous tribes that inhabited the Fiji Islands back then had adopted cannibalism from their long voyage at sea with the lack of adequate nutritious food. This forced the sailors to consume the flesh of the dead for survivals sake. After the land the indigenous tribes cannibalism became a normal part of their diet as more people arrived the competition for natural resources, property and most of all women. Also warring tribes devoured their slain enemies not just for food, but in celebration of their mighty victory.” Mr. Leviticus took a long sip from his mason jar that most likely contained Moonshine.

A growing grin of sadistic delight let Joel know that Mr. Leviticus was enjoying the torment which he was subjecting Joel to. Joel tried with all his might to process the horror of what he had just been told.

“Barnabas was the great explorer of our family. In the Fiji islands he met and befriended Udre. Udre was the chief of one of the more predominate tribes. Barnabas and Udre spent many years together and their bond only strengthened over time as the two became like brothers more than friends.” said Mr. Leviticus triumphantly again taking a long sip from his mason jar of Moonshine before continuing his terrible tale.

“Now the most prevalent part of this story is chief Udre udre, according to the 2003 Guiness World Record, held the title of “most prolific cannibal” having eaten between 872 to 900 people. So as you may of surmised Barnabas learned an extensive about of knowledge on the subject and culture of cannibalism before returning home many year later.”

“Thats fucking insane, your insane!” screamed Joel at the top of his lungs, “This is bullshit!! Your a liar! Your fucking lying you sick son of a bitch!” Joel struggled relentlessly with the chains that confined him to the chair trying desperately to free himself.

“Do not act so surprised Mr. Fletcher as this is not the first time you have heard of cannibalism I’m certain of that,” said Mr. Leviticus in a mocking tone. “Eli can you summon Mr. Zander to the table please I would appreciate it so.” Mr. Leviticus said in a booming voice that dominated the room.

Joel was terrified, completely confused and disoriented. His pulse was racing like that of a jack rabbit on meth. Sweat was rolling down his face like a midsummer rain shower. His eyes frantically searched the room finding nothing to hope for. Joel was trapped alone with two cannibal brothers one of which claimed they killed and cooked his broth er. There was also the mentally crippling thought that he may have indeed dined upon his brothers flesh. This drove Joel to the point of lunacy.

The slow solid steps echoed down the hallway as Eli returned to the dinning room. Joel’s racing mind was flooding his head with horrible scenarios of torture and death. Joel was so wrought with panic it seemed that he could actually feel his hair growing. Finally Eli’s imposing body once again filled the doorway behind Joel his shadow loomed over Joel like a storm cloud waiting out the calm. Eli crept up behind Joel stopping directly behind him. As Eli lurked behind him Joel could hear his labored breath. It sounded steady and deep and ended more or less in an exacerbated sigh coming from directly above his head, but Joel was too terrified to even entertain the idea of looking up into the face of the monstrosity standing over him. Joel felt Eli’s rancid breathe ruffling the hair on the top of his head each time Eli exhaled.

“Where is my brother you demented, backwoods, inbred, hillbilly, son of a bitch? Where is ZANDER?” demanded Joel in frustrated anger struggling so hard that the chains with which he was bound rattled like wind chimes in a hurricane.

“Eli if you’d be so kind” said Mr. Leviticus in a monotone voice indicating his boredom with the matter.

Without warning the immense arm swung around in front of Joel and slammed something on the table before drawing itself back to its owner standing behind him. It happened so fast that Joel was initially too startled to comprehend what was happening. He sat transfixed by fear like a deer in the headlights of an eighteen wheeler barreling down upon it. Then Joel saw what Eli had deposited upon the table in front of him, his brothers Zander’s bloody severed head. Zander’s eyes were fully open, and his face was twisted in sheer agony as if he had seen the angel of death himself before dying.

“JESUS CHRIST! ZANDER!” exclaimed Joel in a fevered pitch as he gazed upon his brothers decapitated head. The shock paralyzed his body and mind.

“Collect yourself Mr. Fletcher your bordering on hysterical,” commanded Mr. Leviticus who was now scowling in absolute disgust and bitter distain.

“Eli, Eli come collect what remains of Mr. Fletcher’s brother and take it back to the processing building quick as can be,” said Mr. Leviticus waving his hand royally back and forth through the thick smokey air as he spoke.

“I think its imperative that you understand. The Leviticus family uses every viable part of the carcass, the last of your brother Zander’s remains will be processed into head cheese,” Mr. Leviticus said sounding more like a man rather than the monster he was.

“Don’t worry Mr. Fletcher you aren’t long for this world thus grievance over eating your brother will be short I assure you.”said Mr. Leviticus leering as he bent forward running his tongue over his yellow nicotine stained teeth.

“You see Mr. Fletcher whats on tomorrow night’s dinner menu is you, but until then would you care for some dessert? No? shame Eli makes a splendid cherries jubilee.”