Tag: Insanity

Malice The Band That Almost Killed US All Pt 7: The Salvation & Damnation Tour Takes Off

May 1st: Malice boarded Their Tour Bus at the ass crack of Dawn and Headed for Their first Show of The Salvation & Damnation Tour in Portland Oregon which the Band was less than Thrilled about (One must remember this was long before Portland became a Hipster’s Trendy Mecca).

During the Bus Ride Malice’s Manager Harold Slickmann announced a New Album Concept he’d been working on with Guillotine Records. The Idea was to Record each of the 30 concerts and release them as Live Albums. Then once all 30 Live Show albums from the Tour were out Malice would release a “Best Of The Salvation & Damnation Tour” Compilation Album. Lastly when Christmas rolls around Malice would release a 31 Album Salvation & Damnation Tour Box Set complete with the Compilation Album.

The Band liked this idea because it was very low maintenance. No Studios, No Producers to deal with, No Editing, No ReRecording, No Fighting Over the Songs all They had to do is what They loved Best and that was Playing Live.

   

That Night’s Show at the Portland Supreme Sports Stadium started off with a Blast. The Crowd was beyond energetic, and Malice was on Fire as They ripped through song after song from the 4 New Records worth of Material, and They planned on playing Their older shit for the Encore. It would have worked out well accept for one major incident.

During the Solo of “Your Love is Heaven or Hell (I can’t Tell)” a Obsessed Fan ran out on Stage completely naked with a rather large Pipe Bomb strapped to his dick. The Band stopped playing as each member of the Band became aware of the Naked Guy with Explosives attached to His cock. That is They all stopped playing accept for Stevenson who continued to Solo is Ass off.

Stevenson’s cavalier attitude prompted then Bassist Maxi Padd to wonder over and join Him by backing Stevenson with a Brutal Baseline. This only excited the Naked Fan as now He effectively had His own Real Time Sound Track. Security was creeping ever so slowly towards the Naked Freak, but They weren’t happy that he was naked, and less than thrilled that His crotch was set to Explode as well.

   

The Audience watched enthusiastically unaware this was not a Prank that a Band Member was playing on Another. The Naked Fan was working Himself into a absolute frenzy as He started to Jack Off with the Pipe Bomb Still Attached. This caused Security, most of the Band and several of the Front rows (1 through 3) to duck for cover since No One knew if the Naked Guy Jerking Off would trigger the Pipe Bomb to Detonate.

This went on for several more minutes than anyone would have liked before the Naked Fanatic started muttering “Malice Rocks” over and over while simultaneously saying it Louder and Louder each time He said it. Then once the Man had reached the top of His Lung Capacity He Primally Screamed “MALICE ROCKS SO HARD THEY BLEW MY BALLS OFF!” and then promptly set the Pipe Bomb off.

A Large jagged piece of the Fan’s Skull flew and landed squarely landed in Stevenson’s neck causing Him to stumble around drunkenly, yet He never stopped playing during the whole ordeal. Maxi Padd in Total Shock, and abject Horror promptly dropped Her Bass and ran over to Stevenson in a attempt to help by pulling the shard of Skull from Stevenson’s Neck which is exactly what She shouldn’t have done.

   

With the Skull Fragment removed there was nothing keeping the deep gash in Stevenson’s Neck plugged up, and once removed Stevenson became to bleed profusely. A veritable Geyser of dark crimson blood like a Fountain that one would find in perhaps Hell. Stevenson bleed to Death in less than 90 seconds again HE NEVER STOPPED PLAYING.

Upon seeing Stevenson actually drop dead Maxi Padd was so beside Herself with Grief She committed Seppuku (also know as Harakiri also spelled Hara-Kiri) disemboweling Herself on Stage. Padd’s Body fell into the Audience where the Fans scrambled rabidly to secure a piece of the Padd’s body as a sick souvenir or Morbid Memorabilia.

Padd’s body was full directed and torn to shreds within seconds to the point that in the end all they could locate of Padd was the vast amount of Blood Splatter that was sprayed all over the Front of the Stage and Front Row.

   

May 2nd: With less than 12 hours before Their scheduled Show that Night in Seattle Washington at the renowned Thrillington Theater were faced with a familiar problem. The problem being the untimely Death of Guitarist Stevie “The Shill” Stevenson as well as Their Bassist (and Izzy Sane’s Girlfriend) in a tragic Fan induced incident the Night before in Portland.

Thusly Malice (at this point being just Sane and Rock) was once again tasked with replacing Band Members in a pinch. Malice didn’t have the luxury of time currently so They couldn’t hold Auditions or go out and Scout out Local Talent. Luckily Drummer Rock Harder had an Ace up His sleeve as it were. Rock had access to a very special phone number that He had sworn to only use if He absolutely had to, and Now He had to.

A Couple of Hours Later Rock reappeared with an important announcement, He had in fact hired BOTH a New Guitarist and a New Bassist in time for the Show. Not only that but the New Guys could finish out the Tour with Malice too since there was such a strict time requirement on this Tour (1 show a Night for 30 Nights.)

   

Singer Izzy Sane was intrigued as were Malice’s Management , and Legal Representation. Rock didn’t waste another minute and informed everyone present that He had in fact managed to land Ick and Ook Oakerlund who were currently between projects and Bands to boot.

Idk and Ook Oakerlund were Brothers who hailed from Norway, and where debatably the BIGGEST Black Metal Icons of the Time. The Oakerlund Brother’s had been in Some of the Most Popular and Controversial Black Metal Bands such as Skinned Alive, Diseased Cadaver, Jugulator,  Raping Christ, Sodomy, Nay Sayer, Rotting Entrails, and Festering Sores to name a few.

The Brother’s were also Known for virtually never speaking more than 3-5 words between them, and seemed to communicate with each other Telepathically (and NO They weren’t Twins if Your wondering). They also reportedly NEVER removed Their Corpse Paint even when showering where the used Tin Foil to wrap Their heads entirely while using drinking straws to breath. This way Their Corpse Paint remained in tact.

The Oakerlund Brothers met up with Malice at Thrillington Theater since They spent a majority of the Day flying in from Their Music Studio in Their adopted Homeland of Iceland. The Show went well but with the Dying and Hiring of Malice Band Members the Crowd was confused when Malice’s  Newest line up hit the Stage.

The Show was a success non the less though something was off with Izzy Sane who moped about the stage like a Heartbroken High School Freshman. This irritated Rock to no end as He thought it was highly disrespectful to the Fans in attendance. The Oakerlund Brothers seemed utterly oblivious as Ick and Ook played that Nights Set List flawlessly.

After the Show Sane was confronted by Rock who demanded to know what the fuck was going on. Sane told Rock He was still in Shock over the sudden and gruesome demise of His Girlfriend Maxi Padd the Night before. Rock told Him if Sane couldn’t handle it He should just do everyone a favor and quit since it was’t fair to the Fans if Sane couldn’t or wouldn’t be able to give 110%.

 

So thats exactly what Izzy did.  He quit Malice on the Spot and headed off for a Life studying the Mating Habit s of African Dung Beatle. Who asked why Izzy chose Dung Beatles He said it was due to the fact that He”Felt like total Shit”

May 3rd: Malice’s next Show was scheduled for The Arctic Polar Bear Club in Anchorage Alaska. The Oakland Brothers were excited because the stark and cold wilderness of Alaska reminded Them of Their Scandinavian Stomping Ground. Though both Brothers were bummed by the fact Alaska was so close to Canada that it had previously been part of it, and The Oakerlund’s despised Canadians for being so Happy, Welcoming, Friendly, Open, and Helpful as all these things were not at all BLACK METAL.

Before the Show The Oakerlunds got rip roaring drunk on Finish Moonshine, found a veritable recluse who had a Grizzly Bear as a Pet, went to see Him at his residence, and Wrestled the Grizzly. The Grizzly tapped out twice as each Brother ended Their Bear Wrestling Bout with a wicked Submission Hold (Ick using the Viking Vice, and Ook chose The Bloody Eagle).

   

Pumped up from Their Grisly ass kicking Adventure headed back to the Hotel to rendezvous with the Rock who had been searching for a New Singer for the Show along with Malice Manager Harold Slickmann. They pair had decided on a Local named Murphy “Thunderbolt” Gibbons who was fronting a Local Band called Inuit’s Revenge and made Him an offer. As it were  Gibbons huge Malice Fan and new all Their songs by Heart and was happy to Join.

Admittedly the addition of Gibbons helped ease the Local Fans at that Night’s performance transition into the New Line Up. 3/4ths of the Malice had been Killed (Maxi Padd and Stevie “The Shill” Stevenson) or Quit (singer Izzy Sane), and then Replaced all in the first 3 days of the current Tour.

May 4th: Considering the past few Days events Malice’s Manager called Guillotine Records to broker a deal that would allow Malice to take 3 Days off From the Road to Readjust and Regroup. With all the intense and abrupt chaos Guillotine was ready to Bargain.

   

The Deal that Guillotine and Slickmann was They would use Look-A-Likes for the Next 3 Shows ( 4 including that Nights Show) IF Malice consided to Recording the 4 Nights Shows worth of Material for the Albums in Lou of Their time off from the Tour. Slickmann reviewed the Deal to Malice over Brunch (which the Band referred to as Breakfast since none of Them woke up before 10:30 am on average)

Malice was thrilled to hear about the arrangement and all agreed that They would spend the entire Day recording so They could then have the next 72 hours strait to Themselves. Malice asked the Hotel’s concierge where the most promenade recording studio was located since no one was Familiar with Anchorage. The Concierge told Malice that Arctic Circle Studios was considered to be the Best recording studio in Anchorage.

Malice called over to Arctic Circle and booked the whole a Day’s worth of Recording time. After 23 hours and 47 minutes after entering the Studio Malice walked out triumphant having recorded all 4 Albums worth of material in a Extreme Non Stop Recording Marathon.

   

Malice spent the next 3 Days drinking at all the Local Bars, Elk Hunting, Learning about Inuit Culture, Facing Canada Intoxicatedly and screaming insults, and participating in Team Building Exercises.

May 8th: That Nights Show at the Sensational Stadium in Pierre South Dakota was a mega success by anyones standards. The three days the Band spent getting acquainted paid off in dividends.

The only issue facing that Nights performance was the presence of Mormon Protesters who were there to condemn Malice’s music as “Satan’s Soundtrack.

Upon arrival The Ockerlund Brother’s clashed instantly with the Protesters as They (as many Black Metal Musicians) despised and detested Christianity in all its forms. The Ockerlund Brothers taunted the Protesters by holding up Inverted Crosses, Drenching Bibles in Goat Blood, and hurling insults in Their native Norwegian. Finally the Ockerlund’s were escorted backstage to separate the two feuding factions, and end the confrontation as peacefully as possible.

   

As the Show raged on through the Night with Malice playing so intently passionate Rock repeatedly broke His Drum Sticks as The Ockerlund Brothers snapped string after string on Their Guitars. Murphy was so amped He ditched the Microphone in favor of SCREAMING the lyrics as loud as humanly possible. Malice ended Their set with Their huge hit “The Oral Moral” as the crowd surged excitedly singing along.

Malice ended up doing 17 encores that Night. During the Final Song Malice Played was “Frisky Kitty” which literally had the Crowd jumping up and down as the Fans became more and more enthusiastic.

What no one could have anticipated was that there was in fact a HUMUNGOUS Sinkhole sitting just a few feet below the Stadium Parking Lot. And No One would have ever know about the Sinkhole if it was for the unfortunate exuberance of the Fans in attendance.

   

The Fans ruckusness shook the ground mimicking a Small Earthquake which caused the shallow ground above the Abyss of a Sinkhole to collapse suddenly and quite unexpectedly. As a result of the Sinkhole Cave In the entire group of 117 Mormon Protesters fell into the cavernous Sinkhole to NEVER been seen again.

Ick couldn’t help himself, and made the comment that The Protesters had discovered an Express Route to Hell.

May 9th: Malice’s Tour Bus rolled into the parking lot The Excelsior Hotel in Saint Paul Minnesota just in time for the Hotel’s Complimentary Happy Time Cocktail Hour. During the Complimentary Cocktail Hour the Members of Malice consumed $1,157 worth of Tequila Shots, $2.289 worth of Vodka, $3,345 worth of Finest Whiskeys, $46,471 worth of Beer, and $593 worth of Gin.

When the Complimentary Happy Hour ended promptly at 6 pm on the dot Malice retired to Their Rooms and dark the Mini Bars dry. The Band then utilized Room Service to run up an Additional $128,992 on Their Tab. By the time Malice’s Tour Bus pulled up to take Them to the Show Each Member of the Band was 14 times the Legal Limit.

   

The Show was cut short only 6 songs in by The Minnesota State Police who had been tipped off that The Ockerlund Brothers had planned to Decapitate a Cow with a Customized Bovine Guillotine. The Police detained and hauled the Brothers off to the Police Station for Questioning.

By the end of the Questioning The Ockerlund Brother’s were cut free without being charged with a crime since the Cow wasn’t on the premises (the Cattle Rancher’s Cattle Trailer Hitch broke) the Giant Cow Sized Guillotine was classified as a Stage Prop.

Malice spent the rest of Their Night in Minnesota consuming Dairy Products until They all became Lactose Intolerant.

May 10th: Malice was summoned to Their Manager Harold Slickmann’s Suite for an impromptu Band Meeting. Slickmann had received a call from Malice’s Record Label Guillotine Records earlier that morning.

   

The Label’s Representative a Man by the Name of Gerold Spindle had phoned Slickmann FURIOUS after the Label received a Copy of the previous Nights Police Report. The fact The Ockerlund Brother’s had planned on using a Guillotine of all fucking things in Their Illegal Cattle Decapitation that there would be a highly Negative Association between the Band and Guillotine Records.

Thus Guillotine was Terminating any and all contracts with the Band effective immediately. The Label cited several breaches of Contract and again stated that the Label wanted NOTHING to do with an impending Scandal or Association with Malice. Guillotine ended the conversation by reminding Slickmann that They could but wouldn’t be pressing charges of Their own.

Slickmann was a man who fully believed in being prepared with not just 1 back up Plan but Numerous Ones to cover more or all of the Bases. Since Malice had had issue with Their previous Label Razorback Records Slickmann had devised a plan incase future conflicts arose involving Malice and Their Record Label.

   

Slickmann had already been shopping around for Other Alternate Offers from competing Record Labels, and had a replacement already in place. Slickmann had brokered a Deal with Rabid Records that if for any reason Malice wanted or needed a New Record Label that Rabid Records would have the first shot. And Rabid took the Shot and sure as Hell didn’t miss.

Rabid had the financing to keep the Scheduled Tour on the Road, Produce the 30 Live Concert Albums from the Tour, and They said it didn’t matter that Malice only played a total of 6 songs last night as They would still release the 6 song set as an EP in limited number (to drive up the Price and Profits.)

Malice signed on the dotted line and prepared for that Nights Show. The concert went smoothly and without a single issue or incident which was a well welcomed change. Malice took the Stage at 8 pm and Walked off stage for the last time that night at 4am the following morning. They’re Decathlon of a Concert SHATTERED the current American Record for Longest Live Show ( of 4 hours set by Bruce Springsteen) by DOUBLE.

   

May 11th: Malice spent the Day before Their concert at Stephen King Stadium in Augusta Maine Lobster Fishing, Clamming, Hunting/Trapping, and Binge Drinking. While in the Forrest Ook found a patch of Hallucinatory Mushrooms and picked them for later that Night.

Before the Show Malice was lounging around Their dressing room when Ook brought out the fat sack of Shrooms, and divided them amongst the Band who happily gobbled them down vigorously. By the time Malice took the stage They were tripping Their collective asses off not to mention teetering on the brink of Alcohol Poisoning.

The Ockerlund Brothers were so fucked up that They started playing songs from Bastardized which happened to be one of Their former Bands. Murphy was lit as well, but He was a Big Time Bastardized Fan and knew all the words to Their songs so He started singing along. Meanwhile Rock had no choice but to hang in and learn the songs on the spot in a true trial by fire.

   

As for the Fans they too were insanely intoxicated and didn’t seem to mind that they were at a Malice concert, Yet the Band was playing only Bastardized Covers.

Now while the Band and Audience thoroughly enjoyed Themselves Slickmann was worried about the reaction from Malice’s band new record Label Rabid Records would be once They found out that there was a concert but the song content wasn’t actually Malice’s.

It didn’t take long for Slickmann to get His answer. Slickmann was called to the White Courtesy Phone where a gentlemen calling Himself Boozy informed Slickmann Rabid had in fact become aware of the situation at hand, and had no problem with it. Rabid said they would simply market the Album as some sort of Themed Concert or some shit.

Slickmann was so relieved He ate a handful of Shrooms to Relax along with doing a Bottle of Scotch.

May 12th: Malice headed to Albany in New York State for Their show that Night at the Albany Amphitheater. The Show was going to be a bit different as Malice had been booked to play a Private Corporate Event for The National Nudists Network of North America’s Annual All Nude Fetish Festival.

Malice mulled around Their Hotel pissed They were in New York State and Not New York City until They took the stage at 7:30 that Evening. Unbeknownst to the Band or the Festival Promoter a wayward Hippy Through back named Dr. Ecstasy had been tail gaiting all day in the parking lot. While tail gating Dr. Ecstasy had spent His time using an Old T-shirt Cannon He had purchased some time ago to Launch Loads of Capsules (filled with Pharmaceutical Grade MDMA) into the large Crowd dispersing them throughout the entire evening’s Audience.

   

This made for a very Zen show that was until Malice played Their number One Power Ballad “You Stole My Heart”. The Audience was so overwhelmed by the tune a spontaneous Orgy erupted and spread through the Audience like a Sex Fueled Wild Fire. Before anyone knew it the Concert had transformed into LITERALLY the World Record Orgy with 1,500 furiously fucking Fans.

The Police had actually shown up an Hour before the end of the Show but had failed to shut it down prematurely. The Police had been held up slipping and sliding in Bodily Fluids to effectively do Their job. Luckily the Band left the stage, stripped naked Themselves and simple walked out of the Amphitheater without accruing any Criminal Charges.

May 13th: Malice arrived in Orlando Florida for that Night’s Show at The Forever Disney Theater located in the Disney World Theme Park. Malice was quite confused as Disney wasn’t exactly target audience, and the Ockerlund Brothers were enraged by all the Cartoon Cuteness calling Disney a Dismal Display of Deplorable People.

   

To add to the Confusion the Concert was scheduled to start at 4:30pm that Afternoon which was half an hour before Happy Hour which further angered The Band. The Band showed up at the Venue at 3:45pm for Sound Check. The Theater while sufficient is size was painted in vibrant Pastel colors and was heavily plastered with Disney Icon’s from a variety of Their Movies.

Needless to say The Ockerlund Brothers almost stormed off in protest refusing to play the Show, but were talked down by Slickmann who offered a Night of Boozing, Drugging, and Hookers if The Brothers would play the show.

Malice walked out on Stage at 4:30pm as planned to a dead quiet Theater. All the Seat were filled, but all the Fans were sitting in absolute silence. Malice was rather creeped out by the unyielding silence. Slickmann who was just as confused as the Band signaled Murphy to start the Show while he looked into what exactly was going on. Murphy struck up the band on Slickmann’s cue and launched into a lively version of “Luck of The Ladies”, and still the audience sat motionless and mute as a motherfucker.

   

Slickmann tracked down the Disney Rep in charge of scheduling and demanded to know what the fuck was going on. Slickmann wanted to know if this was some kind of joke like fucking Candid Camera (the OG Punk’d) or was this some asshole fucking with Malice because They didn’t like them or WHAT?!!

The Disney Rep named Kingsley explained to a baffled Slickmann that the concert was being put on as a Charity Event for the Silent Night which was an organization that worked with the Deaf. Slickmann more twisted than ever asked if this was in fact a concert FOR the Deaf to which Kingsley replied in a word Yes.

Slickmann was on the verge of a massive coronary when he exasperatedly inquired to why in the name of all things Metal would some one put on a Charity Concert at Disney World for Deaf People. It looked like a monumental dick move. Kingsley replied that the Charity believed that Deaf People shouldn’t be treated any differently than anyone else, and this concert was more of a Testimony to Their Motto than an actual viable Concert.

   

Regardless Malice finished the show, and though there was no indication from the audience went on to play 4 encores. Once Malice found out what was going on They too were confused as fuck, but still very glad They had played anyway.

May 14th: Malice found Themselves in Wilmington Delaware scheduled to play a show at Delaware River Fair Grounds. When Malice arrived They were met by a Gang of Neo Nazi Skinheads who had showed up to start shit. Apparently the Nazi Numbshits thought Malice’s music was Lame as Fuck, and The Band Members were Hollywood Pussies.

Regardless of the unwanted Nazi Nutsacks Malice managed to circumvent the Gang of Racist Assholes, and mad it back stage without a problem. Once Malice took the stage though the Nazi Scumbags rushed the stage in an attempt to beat up the Band.

   

Malice was ready and broke into an extended Speed Metal Version of The Dead Kennedy’s “Nazi Punks Fuck Off” which whipped the Crowd into a Anti-Nazi Rally as The Fans proceeded to beat the Holy Hell out of every last one of the Skindhead shitfuckers into a Free ride in an Ambulance.

Malice again wasn’t charged with any Crime or Criminal Behavior because the Neo Nazi Nitwits were obviously the unwanted aggressors, and Malice hadn’t actually physically in gauged the Nazi Numbskulls. That and fending off an attack by racist asshats with a Song amused the Cops to No End, and used it to antagonize Their Swastika Loving Prisoners.

May 15th: Malice spent the Day on the Road traveling to that night’s show at    The Tough Luck Club in downtown Austin Texas. When Malice arrived They skipped Hotel checkin and drove directly to the Club.

When Malice pulled up to the Club they were immediately unhappy with the Venues size. Malice felt that since Austin was a Major City that playing a show at a Smaller Club that only held 500 People was a fucking unjust and insulting.

   

Slickmann maned the phones scrambling to see if the Bands Label Rabid Records could possibly find a more fitting venue for Malice to play that Evening, but Rabid said they had been unaware of the insufficient booking. And since Rabid had only found this error out just a few hours before the show was scheduled to start there was nothing They could do. They did take the opportunity to shit talk Guillotine Records since they technically were responsible for the shitty booking.

Malice wasn’t having any of it and decided amongst Themselves on what to do about the crap situation They had on Their hands. Malice had talked the Head Sound Technician for that Night’s show, and found out there was in fact a Super Sized Music Festival put on by 104.4 Rock’n Roll Radio currently going on the Outskirts of Austin. In fact tonight was the Last Night of the 4 Day Festival, and thus would have the Largest Crowd of the event.

Malice promptly boarded Their Tour bus and drove over to the 104.4 Rock’n Roll Radio Festival leaving Slickmann behind by accident. Malice arrived and killed time before the Main Stage Festival Closer Spot was coming up Next by Smoking Crack and doing Tequila Shooters in the Port-A-Potties.

   

Once the Second to last Act (some band called The Local Yokels) were finishing up Malice made Their way to the Front Row shoving anyone who got in Their way to the ground. The Festival Closing  Act was an up and coming band on the verge of success called The Urban Outlaws. Once The Urban Outlaws strode out to start Their set Malice jumped the Security Barrier and directly up on stage.

The Members of Malice took The Outlaws instruments out of Their hands and motioned The Band Members off stage. Malice then announced to the awaiting audience that Malice had come to Invade the Festival, and take the Main Stage Hostage. Malice electrified the Crowd who thought it was a VERY METAL thing to do just showing up and commandeering the Stage like Malice had. And being a State that idolized Outlaw Culture the Audience gave Their full approval.

That Night’s show was the Highlight of the Salvation & Damnation Tour thus far as Malice Played into the Night only stopping when They eventually collapsed from exhaustion.

   

WELL KIDDIES Thats all for Now, STAY TUNED for………

Malice The Band That Almost Killed Us All PART 8!

   

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

1,001 Words of Insanity

The Maggots dance in the Rancid, Rotting Flesh of a Damned Nation showered in Shit. Fuck Monkeys run amok fucking each other to STD ridden DEATH! Anger blazing into rage as I fuck the world silly with a rubber spoon, FUCK YOU BUDDY, FUUUUUUUUCK YOU BUDDY!

Eating hot shit sandwiches in Hell as Satan sucks Donnie’s tiny dick in a lake of fucking fire, towering fucking flames engulfing THE CITY OF FECES! Look up for no god shall be looking back just your own fucking demise. PLUNGED IN THE PIT ETERNAL ABYSS OF FILTH AND LIES!

The animals devour each other in fine dining restaurants, pleasantly popping pill after pill until their are Pharmaceutically FUCKED, BIG PHARMA IS NOW YOUR PIMP YOU PAIN KILLING PILL POPPERS!!

Commanding all Rapists to Rape their fellow Rapists to DEATH AND BEYOND! There is no power of man, of woman, of Human ITS A BULLSHIT COATED LIE! Pay me or Die, Pay Me or Suffer, Pay Me OR FUCK YOU.

 

Decapitate Hate watch the ruling Elite assholes dragged through the dirty streets being beaten mercilessly by the Enraged Citizens until they reach the GLORIOUS GORE of the GUILLOTINE. Hail the Queen of Hearts for OFF WITH THEIR SHIT FILLED HEADS! Lets the kids kick them for fun.

Frolicing in the BLOOD of Traitors, kicking the Corpses of the Corrupt King and his crooked court of conniving criminal cunts.

Fuck all the ignorance, fuck the unjust laws, your rules are broken as your fucking souls, the leaders failed to lead and thus shall decay in the shit filled swamp. FUCK AUTHORITY, FUCK THEM ALL!

Dirty Bastards battling Sons of Bitches for the vile victory over the brow beaten patriots, TREASON EQUALS DEATH its the ONLY JUSTICE for TRAITORS! Eat the Elite, Cannibalize their Capitalism, DEVOUR THE RICH ALIVE! Burn the mansions, sink the Yatchs, Reclaim their lands, remove them from their blood money, and watch them die before you begging for forgiveness while they gave NONE.

Horny Hypocrites consuming scandalous sex molesting each others children while drunk on shitty champagne and burn crosses on the lawn, THEY ALL DESERVE DEATH and its all they should be GIVEN.

6 feet under for their sin, let them suffer, let them squirm in anguish, their misery delights me, I smile wider the more of the corrupt get killed. Place their severed heads on Pikes and HOLD THEM HIGH!

Money molests the minds of man and excites their malicious malevolence, Capitalism is a death sentence FUCK LIFE WE ALL DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! I can’t witness this monstrosity of monstrous madmen, I GAUGE OUT MY EYES ITS PROVIDES RELIEF I can no longer see the Tragedy of Terror, the shit show of hanious horror, the demise of mankind is in itself BLIND!

Ignorant asholes wax poetic about shit they know nothing about the pompous pricks, the wannabe intellectuals hails the  PRETENTIOUS HIPSTER HOLOCAUSTS!! Trendy twats coveting their tech addiction and bullshit beards. Your Mustache ISN’T ART ITS JUST HAIR THAT GROWS ON YOUR UPPER LIP ASSFUCK.

Computers are pieces of overpriced, over used SHIT, ISO is the endless Anti-Christ, Amazon Ate America, Fuck Zuckerberg the millennial Motherfucker, Vacant minded Silicon Vally Vixens whoring Apps inlet of ass, Computers are flawed as the people who use or create the fucking vile stack of hot fucking shitcakes.

Your diploma is a SCAM, a piece of paper that is ultimately just that A LOWLY PEICE OF PAPER. Your no better or smarter than anyone you just paid for the info and that doesn’t make you smarter than others it makes YOU A FUCKING MORON who spent 4 years doling out fistfuls of cash for a diploma and NO FUCKING JOBS when you graduate.

        

Music IS SHIT, FILM IS FUCKED, ART IS DEAD. Books are Bastardized digitally. LEAVE ME CUNTS, LEAVE ME ALONE TO DETEST YOU, MOCK YOU, SHIT ON YOU. I HATE YOUR EXISTENCE.

Save the World by Killing Yourself, Mankind are glorified fucking parasites, eating, fucking and shitting our way through existence. Humans are MORONS masquerading as Educated assclowns.  WE DON’T ACTUALLY KNOW A GODDAMN THING DO WE, DO WE?!!!

Its all a “educated” guess, calculated risk, smoke and mirrors in a piece of shit Pony Show. There is no Fate, fate fucked us all. Destiny is a Dumbass. The Universe is a giant cosmic Vagina that birthed the bastard Mankind to destroy it all.

Power is nothing, control is an outdated concept, DO YOUR FUCKING JOB, is that too much too ask for fucking fuck’s sake. Your just another sack of fucking flesh filled with various organs and a nervous system SO FUCKING WHAT, WHATS SO FUCK SPLENDID ABOUT THAT EXACTLY?

Oh what fucking fun it is no to be a goddamn Jelly -fucking -Fish theres an scientific biological accomplishment WHAT A LOAD OF HORSESHIT. FUCK THE END, I EMBRACE THE NEW OF BEGINNING!

Time is a TOOL used to deprive Humans of their fucking LIVES, make money to pay bullshit bills and tyrannical taxes, they monetize your life to CONTROL YOU, MONEY YA CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT IT, and they designed it that fucking way, FOR THEIR LUXURIOUS LEISURE dancing on the broken backs of a Society of SHIT, FUCK RESISTANCE! CHAMPION REVOLUTION!

Its broken so BURN IT and BUILD ANEW! The unknown is NOT to be FEARED for change can save this sinking shit ship. OUT WITH THE OLD ASSHOLE WAYS! Welcome in THE NEW WAY.

Scrape the Shit System, Destruction of all Institutions, Kill the Courts, Punish the piece of shit Politicians, CRUCIFY THEM ON HE FRONT LAWN watch their putrid carcasses picked clean by Blasphemous Buzzards and Vulgar Vultures circling above.

        

The Old Way leads only to damnation no salvation in DEATH. Evolution will elevate humanity up from the steaming pile of scummy shit that We ARE FUCKING DROWNING IN as the uneducated cocksuckers wallow in their own filth satisfied to stay fucked because if its not affecting them then FUCK IT THEY SAY and FUCK THEM I SAY.

Thanks for Enduring,

 By Les  Sober 

The End of Abe

Adventures Abroad Alluded Abe as  He was Afflicted by Absolute Alienation.

Believing in the Brutal Beasts, and Brilliant Beauty that lay Beyond the Binding Borderline Abe Bested Blinding Boredom.

The Cretinous Creatures Creeping in the Caves and Contorted Crevasses of the Canyon Passes Contorted Continually in the Cramped Confines of Abe’s Addled Cranium.

Death, Doom, and the Destruction of Dueling Damnations Dwelling in the Dark planning Travelers Dastardly Demented Demise a truly Dire Downfall. These Damnable Demons Did not Deter Abe’s Dedication to Defeating The Dreadful Doldrums.

Enraged Empires of  Eternal Enemies Eliminating Their Extravagant Evils  Encompassing the  Entire Earth. Enslaved and Entombed in the Elegance of the Endlessly Empty of Everlasting Eternity Elated Abe.

Fabulous Fantasy’s and Frenzied Fears Found Abe Floundering in His Fleeting Feelings when Faced with Futility, and Frantic Failure Found Abe Faltering Fast.

The Gruesome Greeting of the Gnarled Giants and the Greedy Ghouls Under the Governing God’s Grandiose Generosity Guided by Grief Guaranteed Abe Greatness at the Gregarious Gathering of Graves should He Go.

The Harrowing Heroism required to Help Humanity from the Hellacious Horrors that Hexed the Haunted Hollowed Halls of the Horrendous Hateful Horde remained Hidden from Abe.

Intense Interest leading to Illogical Ideas Illuminated In the Inner Insanity of Incredible Independence with its Intoxicating Introspective Ideology Irked Abe.

The Justification of Justice and its Judgement Jeopardized Abe’s Journey.

Knowingly the King kept a Kaleidoscope of Knowledge Keeping His subjects, His Keepsake’s Kainotophobia soaked in Kava and Kelter. Abe’s Kiang Kicked in Kippage like a Kylin preparing for Kriegspiel.

Lowlife Lingering Leaches Loitered Leaving the Lusting Lushes Lining the Lanes Liquored Leering in the Languishing  Low Light.

Murderous Madman and Monstrous Maniacs Marauding and Maiming, Mutilating, and Mauling all Mortal Men Making Moves to escape.

Numerous Numbers of Nauseatingly Noxious Gnomes Nastily Gnashing their Nails like Gnarled Knives Navigating the unknowingly Naive to the Netherworld.

The Outrageously Omnipresent Oppressing Overlord Observing, and Ogling Oddities Outside Ominously in Outrage looking into Organized Oblivion .

The Pungent Plague of Paranoid Predatory People Peddling Putrid Pickled Poisons as the Pragmatics Proudly Ponder the Plunders and Perils of a Perverted Purgatory.

Quartets of Orcs and Queasy Queens Qualms, Quarrels, and Quips Quashed Quickly over Quests and Quarter Quota.

Rabid  Reprehensible Rouges Relishing Repugnant Revelations of Riotous Revolt, and Raging Revolution’s  Rancid Retribution Fulfilling Repulsive Resentments against the Reigning Restrictive Rules.

Sinister Soldiers Sloshing and Slipping in Shit as they Sustain Their Sin through Slaughter Seeking, Succumbing to the Sniveling Smiling of The Smirking Snake’s Silent Salvation.

Terrifying Tyrants and Tyrannical Theologian’s Tremendous Triumph of Terror in Thriving Thieves a Terribly Tragic Trophy of Terror Thus Terrible Trepidation Throughout The Temples.

Abe’s Ubiquitous Unrest in Utopia Utilizing the Uniting of Unforeseen, and Ugly Unabridged Universal Undertaking that Utterly Undo the Undying Uniform Understanding of the Unknown Underground Escape.

Villanous Vixens Vomiting their Vastly Venomous Virtue Vanquishing the Vexingly Violent Vision of the Viking Vermin.

The Wildly Wicked Wizard Warlord’s Warrior’s Willfully Waiting for the Wretched Wonders of War  against The Wallowing Witches of the Willow’s Werewolves.

Abe’s Xenagogue’s  Xenium of a Xanthocomic Xenagogy readied his Xenization as a  Xyresic Xylotomous.

Yeagers Yaffling and Yauchle in Yagmiment’s Yallacrack and Yaw-Yaw  over Yakka as Yeverous Yellow-Yowling Yeggs indulging their Yird-Hunger fueled the Yoke-Devils until Yonderward.

Zabernism drove Abe to Zack, to Zaggle avoiding Zowerswopped Zed Zobs searching for a Zitella to join him in his Zigzaggery, and Zugzwang journey to a Zneesy Zwan to live out their days in Zwodder.

Note To The Reader: I’ll be quick. I know especially with the trickier Letters of the Alphabet such a XYZ it look as if I’ve gone all Dr. Seuss, and just started making up words as I went. This IS NOT the case.

GOOGLE any word I’ve used throughout for DEFINITION(S).

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Somethings That Rent Space In My Head

Throughout the day I have these rather random thoughts that just jump into the Chaos contained within My Cranium. I decided to write these 2 word to a sentence long tidbits of  creativity down as they came to me during the day. They are complied in a sort of sudo list from first to last, but run together back to back makes them even more interesting I think.

So without further ado here We Go:

The Banana Spider has laid Eggs in My Brain

These Poor People have No Faces

The Old Lady with Coupons is Killing Me

I am My harshest Critic By Far

If You spent time in My Head You’d go Insane

Dirt Road Dogs are giving Chase

The New becomes The Old

Narrow passings on the Edge of Accident

Indifference is Compliance

Mr. Mindfucker is at it Again

The Tangles Webs We weave when We try to Deceive

What the fuck is Really Going On

Trailer Park Psychotics

Futilely trying to Conquer Forces Beyond Our Control

Embryonic Evils & Aborted Faith

Disillusioned Illusionist’s ill Ilk

The Dark Cloud Dominates the Sky

Aggressive Apologies from Assholes

Fake Fucking Fake for It is False and a Fraud

Trapped in the Chaotic 3 Ring Circus of Humanity

Capitalism Cannibalizes Itself and We All Die In Vain

Like a Deer in the Headlights We freeze watching the Oncoming Death

The Morbidity of Maggots

There are Three Sides to every Story

Cerebral Symbiotic Shortcuts of the Mind

Everyone is Eye fucking multiple Screens

Converting the Remain of the Dead to Fuel Our Lives

We Too will be Biologically Recycled

The Weeping Willows can Cry No more

At the Core of the Curse lies Damnation

Who let this Lunatic out of The Asylum

Decapitate The Deplorable’s for the Guillotines Delight

Beyond The Coin We Barter

Lobotomizing the World’s Think Tanks

There’s an Exorbitant Price Ones Pays for Paradise

Snow amplifying the Silence

That Crackhead Kid is soaked in Squalor

Picking Labels off Our Beer Bottles and Minutes off Our Lives

Space is Infinite just like Thought

Uneducated Idiots will be lead like Lemmings to The Slaughter

If the Eyes are the Window to The Soul then some should Remain Shut

Who Kills Unicorns for Sport

The Pied Piper is Pissed the Rats ran off

Seeking Peace while Waging War

And The Barbarians are at The Gate…..

Thanks for Reading,   By Les Sober

Text-A-Rama: Another Round of Absurd Insanity

Yup you got it I’m here to dish up another heaping helping of Late Night Texting (between SpaceDog and My self) served Insanity Side Up with a side of Shit Talking.

SpaceDog: Also you can add “hey Goggle, fuck off” to the list of Fucks. So i either have a broken heater or my upstairs neighbor has the loudest vibrator known to man. Overtime i hear the loud buzz i turn up my tv as loud as possible (or music) and no matter what after 10 minutes it goes away. What the fuck could it possibly be if not the heater making the bitch of a buzz noise? My heater has not ran as further reference.

Les: I agree fuck Google, fuck’ed straight to the 9th circle of Hell for all I fucking care, search shit engine. What kind of heating do you have exactly I don’t remember from my visits. My brain is like a fucking Old Car. Its still runs but it takes a few minutes to warn the hell up. Dunno did you change the Filter?

SpaceDog: Baseboard like a basehead. isn’t basehead the original crackhead?

Les: Oh well fuck the filter idea. LMFAO. Yeah before crackheads were baseheads. Its the fucking evolution of Crack Cocaine! Before crack people freebased combining Cocaine and Baking Powder into a smokable form of powder. Richard Pryor set himself on fucking fire free basing.

SpaceDog: Probably the fuck not they don’t do shit around here.

Les: Been there and I had to fucking pay an HOA quarterly for doing DICK. Home Owning Assholes.

SpaceDog: Yo these asses left the sprinkler on during a nor easter which wouldn’t have been bad but it was set to go off so it would pound against my windows every 4 hrs for 15 minutes. I had to go out in the rain climb through bushes, throw the sprinkler into the lawn, wade threw bushes and mud and shut the fucker off.

Les: What kind of dumbfuck leaves the sprinkler during a fucking nor Easter?! Even if the sprinkler timer is pre set they could hit the kill switch or some shit to shut it down. Goddamn thats a bunch of unnecessary horseshit. I’d be pissed as hell too. Who needs that shit.

SpaceDog: So like literally after i get this urge to write in the silence my apartment is making all kinds of noises. LOL. I have not wanted to sit in silence since i stopped living with Eon 8 fucking years ago. In other news, the top breaking news tonight is Kanye realized he was being used by Donald and is staying away from politics. Lmfao

Les: Trump played Kanye the way Kim Jong-un played fucking Dennis Rodman LMFBO!!! Kanye is the African American’s answer to Alex “Asshole” Jones. Holy Fuckster 8 years is a fucking Prison sentence. EON A-LA-CRACKHEAD with a guitar, the coffee house crackhead cunt.

SpaceDog: Kanye the past 2 years is like Clint Eastwood talking-to that chair for 2 years straight.

Les: Lmfbo true. I want to see a fight between Charlie”Tigers Blood” Sheen Vs. Kanye “Dragon Energy” West.

SpaceDog: Hey u discovered any good way to make things disappear from continue watching on Netflix? I wish i could relabel this section Things That Suck Ass and Baited Into Subtitles because all you lazy fucks translated was the title.

Les: No I wish I had. Baited into subtitles LOL! I’ve seen foreign movies on Netflix with NO Subtitles or Over Dubbing so if you don’t speak the language your outright fucked. Working on a List of Fucks part 2. There were so many more Lmfao.

SpaceDog: Didn’t realize there were that many more.

Les: I didn’t either until I started thinking about “Fuck….” all over again.

SpaceDog: So hopefully i don’t sleep tonight as long as yesterday. I slept from 11:30 pm to 5 pm. Ok i got coffee at 7 and that kept me awake till 9 but thats a bit more sleep than i’d prefer.

Les: Sounds like you have Rip Van Winkle Syndrome or some shit.

SpaceDog: I feel like i have either strep, Legionaries or mono.

Les: Perhaps Narcolepsy or a bad bout of boredom Lmfbo!

SpaceDog: Walking pneumonia is another possibility.

Les: Thats Sucks Snail Scrotum. Being sick sucks Blue Whale Balls for sure. Goddamn disease. Fuck disease.

SpaceDog: Grocery shopping when sick sucks ass. I literally went down every aisle and realized all that was in my cart were peppermints.

Les: I might think about hitting up a fucking doctor just in case. better safe than dead. YOLO Peppermints riding SOLO!

SpaceDog: I have 3 antibiotics laying around. Was thinking of taking copra but idk why 1 tbh. My sickness started when i started hearing that noise. Go figure. Woo hoo i have a porn app on my phone I’m officially an old perv.

Les: Porn App you dirty old fucker, you use an app?! I just hit up Youporn on my phone if need be.

SpaceDog: Its android only ask file from videos.com

Les: PornHub Ve. YouPorn. Stumpfucker Films is all Amputee Porn.

SpaceDog: Im finally out of mental and penile anguish from seeing a prolapsed butthole.

Les: Dear fucking God thats a seriously fucked up thing to see, burns into your fucking brain forever.

SpaceDog: Can we make a show for Netflix? I mean if haters back off was a show why can’t i just go around filming ivy savage all day?

Les:Where the hell did you see some sick shit like that at?!! Netflix is a good fucking question you got me there.

SpaceDog: I really just want to see a rim job but whatever fucking site i was on i guess i included too many search words and boom it was all hanging the fuck out.

Les: Case of Mangled Rectal Trama. Can you take a shit with a prolapsed asshole?! What if you tied 2 prolapsed rectums together?! Can you blow it up like a fucking balloon animal?!

SpaceDog: Not just like oh your asshole is swollen from a hard fuck, no i mean i probably saw prostate. Idk I’m glad i didn’t have that picture in my head when the lady at hurry back inn told me about her reversed bowels 15 years ago.

Les: Reversed Bowels?!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT?! Lmfba!

SpaceDog: I miss Leonard’s

Les: Leonard’s? Bloody Stool is my new favorite band.

SpaceDog: The bar on Crocker rd in Spamilton that was near my parents house.

Les: Oh OK I have no memory of that bar, then again I don’t remember a whole hell of a lot from most bars.

SpcaeDog: Its some pizza bar now. I don’t miss the other bar on that street. All i remember is it was the first time in my life i incited an angry mob. The other were at mcguinns and at the lottery ticket machine.

Les: Lmfao what the hell was the angry mob thing about because it sounds entertaining.

SpaceDog: Which One? LOL

Les: Any and all of Course.

SpaceDog: Was so crunk i thought i was at a gay bar and got catty at some random dude and he took it as fighting words, then started shit with a different dude. Mcguinns got kicked out for being overly intoxicated but stole 3 cell phones on the way out (pre smartphone era)

Les: Catty and Crunk sounds like a fucking crime tv cop buddy detective shows from the fucking 70’s.

SpaceDog: Lottery machine i stuck money in the scan winning ticket hole and the machine went completely dead with a line of like 30 people behind me. Machine went completely dead for 5 minutes but then took 5 more to reboot.

Les: Why the hell did it need to Reboot?!

SpcaeDog: Quite possibly the 10 longest sober minutes of my life. Took a hammer to them after not finding any kompromat on them.

Les: Thats a real Lottery Machine Motherfucker.

SpaceDog: I aslo lost a sneaker in mcguinns so i came home with 1 shoe. Like hell i was going back for it though LOL

Les: LOL think we have all been there with the coming home drunk to sober up with one less shoe. Fuck and No I wouldn’t have gone back for it either.

SpaceDog: That literally was the only time i walked solo to mcguinns. I was more a crystal diner take teenage boys in the bathroom to do shots with me.

Les: a Bathroom Bar. Sounds like Ye Old Crystal Diner. I knew it well. Used to go there with The Arminian, Eon, and Homicidal Hippy when we were dealing drugs together.

SpaceDog: Its the route 1 diner now. Not 24 hrs. Shittsville has zero 24 hrs shit now. Quite possibly the only WaWa gas station on Earth that closes.

Les: Last time I went to the Crystal Diner I ran into Jack Off Jimmy V who tried to be a condescending cunt and get in my face for being stoned as well as drunk, and I was all I used to be your fucking drug dealer you bitch ass bitch. What Jimmy didn’t know is though we hadn’t seen each other in several years I still knew the shit that happened to him i that time the dumb twat. I informed him I knew of his addiction to Tart heroin followed by rehab and then a full scale metal breakdown (schitzophrenia I think)SO FUCK THAT JACK OFF.

SpaceDog: Yeah judgey people suck. Thats pretty fucking funny.

Les: What?! No longer open 24 hrs and with a cliche stupid ass name that really fucking sucks. RIP Crystal Diner a True Dive Diner.

Les: This Fucks list part 2 is actually longer than the original. Lmfao! Original word count was 1,063. Part 2 word count is 1,255.

SpaceDog: Are there repeat fucks or original fucks only?

Les: Don’t think there any repeats, hope fucking not. Its hard to keep count it gave me a fucking migraine but i HATE doubles, it looks like your stacking the deck and bullshit like that.

SpaceDog: Yeah i sure as all hell don’t feel like counting. Reading the first list of fucks was exhausting and made me feel dirty.

Les: Lmfao Exactly. I figure if there just so happens to be a repeat no one will every notice unless they have some serious fucking OCD. Also .49 cent Sushi is My Wife’s new favorite band. I just created a word SLUNT. Definition: A Slutty Cunt.

+End Transmission+

Thanks for Reading,

Brought to You By,

 SpaceDog

 Les Sober

What If Me, Myself, and I Were 3 Different People?!

One Day Myself and I were walked over to meet Me to discuss what to do  during this particular day. I thought it be a good idea to have brunch for starters, But Me and Myself disagreed wholeheartedly.

I felt that Myself was being unreasonable while as for Me it was generally a lost cause. Myself and I have always been closer friends than with Me.

Me doesn’t even like Myself all that much. Me thought I was an irritating asshole. So Me tended to side with Myself. I knew this and didn’t care because Myself and I have been friends since the beginning .

As for Me at least Myself wasn’t I. Me and I are at ends with one another. Myself doesn’t trust Me at all.

Myself and I left Me to go pick up a pack of smokes. I and Myself talked about Me. I voiced distain for Me.

Myself thought I was beating a dead horse.

I was told by Myself to go get fucked.  Myself felt I was becoming a real son of a bitch, and might have more in common with Me after all.

I was irate at just such a thought. I ended up walking off angry. Me was glad then to have Myself as a friend after all.

Thanks for Reading, Les Sober 

 

The Cell Phone Show Down

One night after having a few beers I decided to call up my Brother in Law who I hadn’t spoken with in some time. Now I had several phone numbers for my Brother in Law since he was a rather active guy shall we say.

Anyway I called the primary number that I had been able to reach him on only to discover it had been Recycled, and now it had be assigned to some unknown random woman. I hung up as soon as I  heard the voicemail thinking that was rather strange. Had my Brother in Law ditched one number, but hadn’t given (to my knowledge) a new number to anyone?! My Brother in Law is also know for his extreme impulsiveness so I had to also wonder if there was a scheme afoot.

Well just a minute or two after I attempted to call my Brother in Law my phone’s text alert went off. I picked it up to check the new text it without looking to see who the fuck was actually texting me.

This is where the Shitnado of Absurdity started and would go on to span a couple of hours.

I checked my phone to find it was some fucking Guy texting who I had no fucking clue who the hell he was. I was pondering what the fuck was going on. Well it didn’t take long to find out.

This was in fact the Boyfriend of the nameless, faceless, unknown Woman who was now in possession of my Brother in Law’s old Cell Number. And just my fucking luck he’s one of those Overtly Paranoid Untrusting Jealous Controlling Assholes.

Now I’m going to take a minute to address this type of fucking Guy. I have no fucking clue whatsofuckingever why a Woman would date nor stay with this type of Guy.

This is the sneaky son of a bitch that checks his girl friends phone every chance he gets behind her back.

This is the kind of Shit that thinks every other guy at the Bar is eyeballing his girlfriend, and more often than not it leads to a drunken jealousy fueled fight. And more times than not its also where the asshole boyfriend gets his teeth kicked in.

This is the type of Scumbag that tries or succeededs in controlling his girlfriend’s make up, clothing, and friends through bullshit manipulation.

This is the kind of prick that thinks every one of his girlfriends coworkers is hitting on her daily, and spends his whole day keeping tabs on his girlfriend like a fucking Stalker.

Essentially these type of Guy’s are SO FUCKING INSECURE that it breeds this paranoia of losing said girlfriend causing the said boyfriend to rashly assume that anything with a penis wants to bang his girlfriend, AND/OR he’s afraid she actually doesn’t care for him that much (in this case the jealous Guy is EXTREMELY CLINGY I’m talking about that “You’re Suffocating Me” type shit) and will dump him in an instant.

Granted Clingy sucks to no fucking end BUT its the lesser of 2 evils. Having a Jealous, paranoid, and controlling boyfriend (trying to dictate every aspect of his girlfriend’s fucking life like she’s a fucking slave) SUCKS WORSE.

Now back to our story already in progress…….

So His initial Texts where: Wanting to know who I was, Why was I calling, and that this was his girlfriends phone.

In return I Texted: You texted me so who are you, I told him I was trying touch with my Brother in Law, and got his girlfriends voice fucking mail by accident.

After that he starts acting like the tool that he is. He sends me a screen shot of his girlfriends recent call list with my number highlighted. Now I never denied calling because I did, BUT I had no idea the number  had been Recycled to some fucking girl.

Being a Jealous Boyfriend the asshole said he didn’t buy it, and I better stay away from his girlfriend. I could just see this fuck on the other end of the line so to speak standing all tall, puffing out his chest for all its fucking worth, Glaring like a angry drunk hawk, and pacing frantically periodically looking out the windows as he passes for some threat thats not fucking there.

I basically didn’t give a rats ass from the beginning and couldn’t help thinking how many people have accidentally texted or called this girl only to have to deal with her dick of a boyfriend (bitchfriend is more like it.) At this point I really didn’t give a good goddamn about this overly jealous, insecure piece of human shit. I thusly ended the whole bullshit exchange with the alright my fucking bad whatever I deleted the number since its obviously no use to me. And that was that. Well for a few brief minutes anyway.

I decided that if the primary cell number that I called my Brother in Law on was Recycled then what about the secondary number I had. Me being Me and rather drunk came to the conclusion the best thing to do is call it, and find out if the number worked, was Recycled or possibly disconnected.

As it turned out that my Brother in Law’s alternate phone number had also been Recycled again I got some random girls voicemail. I hung up immediately and deleted the number figuring this situation was rather fucked up. LOW AND FUCKING BEHOLD this number too had been Recycled to the same previous asshole. Why the hell did his girlfriend apparently have come into possession of BOTH fucking numbers was baffling as hell.

Needless to say this set the little motherfucker off like a fucking rocket. This time around the little punk ass had the artificial confidence to call me up this time to chat about what the fuck was going on. As I stated I had no fucking idea, and couldn’t get over how utterly moronic this shit was. And now this paranoid and jealous little twat of a boyfriend thinks for sure that I’m scamming on his girlfriend.

The first idea that came to my mind on how to handle this horeshit was the old make him think your fucking insane, some real sick fuck that cuts off people’s heads and wears them as a fucking hat type of a Murderous Madman a real life Slasher Movie. Then I thought how cliche that shit was and opted for a new idea. The new idea turned out to be making this little turd think HE’S THE ONE WHO’S SANITY IS SLIPPING essentially flip flopping the original idea/concept.

This is how it all went down in operation “Its Not Me Who’s Crazy, Thats YOU”.  For his part this Jack Ass spewed the normal line of macho bullshit cliques (doing his damnedest to make me think he was 10 feet tall and fucking bullet proof) like Propaganda for Pricks. It was SUCH OVERKILL the Guy was trying WAAAAY TOO Hard to be the almighty Alfa. What an Asshole.

In reality I imagine this little bitch was about 5 feet nothing, weighed about 90 pounds soaking fucking wet, Whiny, All Bark and NO BITE like a Tiny Toy Chihuahua. You’ve heard this shit before and I for one from what I have seen of the World am inclined to agree. Real Tough Guy/ Bad Asses DON’T WASTE THEIR TIME YELLING ABOUT IT WHILE HURLING THREATS AND INSULTS. They know they can kick the shit out of pretty much anyone so there is no reason for them to try and impress people.

I didn’t really have a set plan per say I just ad-libbed and then went from there. It started by me repeatedly telling him that the phone he is calling is STRICTLY a Business Phone. After a while of that I added that ONLY AUTHORIZED People have access to this phone. Again taking a few minutes to repeat this as much as possible BECAUSE its all about REPETITION, REPETITION, REPETITION.

Now before anyone feels the need to point this out theres no need. What I’m talking about is this I DID SWITCH my original story. Originally I told this Putts I accidentally called which was the truth, BUT to aid in my new game of “Who’s Crazy Now” as it were I SWITCHED my stance to I DIDN’T call you. Why you ask?! Well its simply because I needed to switch to keep the game going is all.

At this point the Butthead Boyfriend is getting confused. He can’t figure out why I’m not acting like an asshole too and yelling a bunch of bullshit trying to out macho his punk ass. He also is beginning to lock on the whole Business Phone Story which only serves to increase his confusion. So now he’s running out of steam having screamed himself fucking silly.

This is where I ramp things up. I start speaking in a aggressively Authoritarian Voice like a Law Enforcement does for example. I am now speaking to him like he’s a irritating child that got caught red handed doing some shit they shouldn’t. Some would call it ‘Talking Down” or “Being Condescending” and I would agree with both summations.

I start to shove the I didn’t call you from this phone which so happens to be a highly restricted Business Phone of some unknown sort. I start hammering the little Snot with the line “NO ONE is Authorized to make PERSONAL CALLS on THIS PHONE”

He has no clue now what the fuck is happening, he’s been so thrown off his macho bullshit ranting that he’s begging to flounder. The tables were starting to turn.

I then launched into “I DON’T KNOW who called you from this phone, But if we find out who they are they will be SEVERELY REPRIMANDED for their egregious actions.”

I’m now employing more militant or governmental type of speaking. This poor bastard now was beginning to get nervous that HE was in some sort of Danger. I then just unleashed like a Monumental Shitacane. I informed him that We had no clue who the fuck was violating a strict no personal phone calls from our exclusive Business Only phone. We would find out who called his girlfriends phone hell or high water. That NO ONE was Authorized to use this phone without selectively been given clearance. I went on to say I didn’t appreciate him being difficult and he should reconsider his behavior. I told him then to just drop his despicable attitude because it wouldn’t help him in the long run. This conversation was in fact being recorded (without a reason why given). He’s wasting my time with this trivial nonsense was not a wise decision.

The sad little fucker now is in a state of shock, confusion, and paranoia with good reason. Without acting like a typical macho male Jersey Shore Shithead he had no idea how to deal with the situation, and now had lost any and all control of the phone call. He was left wondering if I was somehow a Cop or Law Enforcement Agent, A Member of Biker Club, Political Group, Religious Group, A Governmental Agency, The Masons or possibly a Militia of some kind. There was no actual context so he became pledged by self doubt, and then had a mental melt down.

Seeing that the game had run its course and getting bored with the whole ordeal decided to end this shit circus once and for all. I told the little Pisser that enough was enough. This conversation was now over. Whoever called his girlfriend had violated Authorization of a Business Phone, and would not call back ever. They would be facing Strict Punishment. He then mumbled some garbage I assume was a last pitiful attempt at being a Big Man I mean his brain was fucking soup at this point the poor son of a bitch.

I then lastly took the time to inform him that if he called back he would be in direct violation of our mutual Cease and Desist agreement (which I made up right then and there there was no agreement of any fucking kind), and We would be keeping tabs on him in the future (thus playing into the paranoia of being watched and possibly  being in or getting into trouble in the future.)

To This day I have never spoke with that little Dimwitted Douche again. I do ponder from time to time when I have a free moment to think (like when I’m eating or taking a leak) what the fuck did he tell his girlfriend happened that night or did he just not mention it at all because he still had no idea wtf was going on. Either which way heres looking at you ASSHOLE.

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober 

A Longstanding Joke Goes From Funny To Fubar* In Seconds.

When I was growing up there where two eccentric’s if you will. One I have already written about in a previous post who was known as Smiley Jesus among the neighborhood kids. This post pertains to the second.

She was a woman in here mid to late fifties with long mostly white hair tied up in a loose bun. She wore a full length goose down style winter coat no matter what time of year it was. She was always sporting  Jackie O. like sunglasses the ones with the huge circular frames. She also had applied so much rouge that it fully covered both of her cheeks in giant clown like circles. Her uncommon attire also included a Golf Visor, and lastly a pair of cheap white velcro sneakers. This may have well been her official uniform because it NEVER changed EVER.

Aside from her bizarre sense of fashion the other key aspect about Her was she never spoke. Not a single word. At most she might have flashed a quick smile as she walked by with her hands in her jacket pockets. Come to think of it I don’t think I ever saw her hands out of her jacket pockets.

Now we fast forward a bit and I’m now 16 or so and dating my first real Girlfriend/High School Sweetheart who lived in the neighborhood adjacent to mine. I asked her one day if she had seen this odd woman walking around in her neighborhood as well growing up. Not only did she yes she had, but she went on to tell me that the Woman in question actually lived somewhere  in her neighborhood.

We tried half assed measure in lame attempts to locate the weird Woman’s house to no avail. We had all but lost interest when we got some additional information pertaining to the peculiar Woman’s back story.

The information came from my Girlfriend’s Mother. It turned out that her Mom grew up at the same time, in the same town, and went to the same school as the strange Woman. Apparently the Woman was not what you would call popular by any means. In fact she was bullied pretty brutally from the few stories we were told by my Girlfriend’s Mother, and she was as guilty as the rest when it came to relentlessly tormenting the Woman as a Girl.

The one story I remember was my Girlfriend’s Mother telling us she and her gang of friends from school lured the Woman then just a girl to some near by woods. They then tied her to a tree and berated the shit out of her non stop for over an hour. Once they got tired of teasing her to the point of tears they up and left her there tied to a tree. No one knows the exact details but obviously someone heard her crying for help or passed by and cut her free.

Needless to say as the story got darker the more I found myself fascinated by the morbidity of it all. A months or so after hearing the tortured tale of the Woman’s unhappy childhood (on no day in particular) my Girlfriend and I decided to go for a late day walk. It was the middle of July so we hid inside clinging to the Air Conditioning until dusk when it was cool enough to venture outside.

We had only gone about 5 or 6 blocks when all of a sudden we became aware of a extremely heated argument. This wasn’t surprising since being Summer many people left the front door open optimizing their screen doors to enjoy the cool Summer evenings.

The chaotic commotion was coming from a house to our right that stood atop a small hill. The front door was indeed wide open allowing anyone passing buy to hear the insanity inside, and I do mean insanity. We heard a lady screaming at the top of her lungs, and we knew that we had accidentally stumbled across the Weird Woman’s house. We both turned and stared at one another in shear shock and awe at first, and then we returned our attention back to the madness raging inside of this otherwise absolutely normal looking suburban home.

The sounds emulating from the front door where like none I had never heard before in my life, and have rarely heard since. The Woman was in the middle of what seemed to be an argument that was spiraling out of control. The Woman was intensely enraged and her blood curdling screams in were purely primal.

I couldn’t tell you what the fuck the argument was about, but that is more than likely because we only heard one side of the argument. This was due to the fact that whoever the Woman was yelling at so savagely DIDN’T EXIST. They weren’t imaginary either like a hallucination (though now that I’m mulling it over she could have been hallucinating, but not because of Drugs but due to Mental Illness of some sort.) Anyway for all intensive purposes it appeared that the Woman  having a knock- down-drag- out fight with her Dead Husband.

We stood there for several minutes completely mesmerized by the madness we were witnessing. It was quite clear that this Woman was just an eccentric  she was legitimately batshit crazy. Once the terrible trance wore off my Girlfriend and I hightailed the hell out of there, and didn’t even pause for a brief second to look back.

And ever since that fateful evening We have  never passed by that house again even though the psychotic Woman passed away many, many years ago.

(*FUBAR stands for Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition)

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober