Tag: Japan

Short Horror Film Friday: The Horribly Slow Murderer With The Extremely Inefficient Weapon

We are  Delighted Present this Week’s Short Horror Film Friday Featuring the 2008 Horror Comedy  The Horribly Slow Murderer With The Extremely Inefficient Weapon Written, Directed, and Narrated by Richard Gale. The 11 Minute Film was Filmed Entirely in California with a Panasonic HVX200 over the Course of 22 Days on a $600 Budget.

The Movie itself is Presented as Being a Trailer for a Whopping 9 Hour Long Movie. It starts with a Voiceover, telling the Viewer that: “Some Murders take Seconds; Some Murders take Minutes; This Murder….will take Years!”

                  

Synopsis:

The Movie Portrays the Story of a Forensic Pathologist Named Jack Cucchiaio (Cucchiaio is the Italian Word for Spoon), Who Finds Himself being Tormented by a Deranged and Ghoulish looking Man, Who is, Without any Clear Reason, Hitting Him with a Spoon. No One seems to believe this though as the Ominous Attacker Only shows up when Jack is Alone. As Jack’s Torment Continues He starts to Develop a Phobia of Spoons resorting to Stirring His Coffee with a Fork for Example.

Jack Attempts to Defend Himself by Stabbing the Ghoulish Man in the Throat with a Kitchen Knife, but to Jack’s Surprise He turns out to be Immortal. The Ghoulish Man Simply pulls the Knife Out of HIs Throat and Tosses it Away before continuing to Hit Jack with the Dreaded Spoon. However, in this Scene Jack Notices a Strange Sign on the Arm of the Ghoulish Man.

Jack Travels to the Far East where HE Learns that the Ghoulish Man is Known as The Ginosaji (which is Japanese for “Silver Spoon”), an Immortal and Unstoppable Being. It Searches for a Victim to Terrorize and Slowly Kill by Repeatedly Hitting Them with a Spoon. The Ginosaji will Follow Jack to the Ends of the Earth, and it will Never Stop Attacking Jack until Jack is Dead. In Spite of Learning about the Ginosaji  Jack still tries to Escape the Ginosaji by Traveling Around the Globe, and Repeatedly Trying to Kill it with Various Weapons such as Guns, Dynamite, and Even a RPG (Rocket Propelled Grenade.) but all His Efforts are Futile. That is Until as the Ginosaji is Striking a Worn Out, Weakened, and Wounded Jack as He is Crawling through the Desert THE SPOON BREAKS!!

Is this Some Sort of Supernatural Loophole that will Allow Jack to Finally Rid Himself of The Ginosaji Once and For All? You’ll have to watch and See for Yourself.

Enjoy.

We Hope You Enjoyed This Tale Of Slaughter By Spoon as Much as We Did.

Thanks For Watching,

Presented By Les Sober      (Pt1202am)

Seriously Sick Sunday Cinema: SUICIDE CLUB

FYB Sick Sunday Cinema is Ecstatic to Present the 2001 Japanese Independent Dark Satirical Horror Movie SUICIDE CLUB Written and Directed by Sion Sono.

           

Suicide Club (known as Suicidal Circle in Japan) gained a Considerable amount of Notoriety in Film Festivals around the World for its Controversial, Transgressive Subject Matter and Overall Gruesome Presentation. The Movie has Developed a Significant Cult Following over the Years, and Won the Jury Prize for “Most Ground Breaking Film” at the 2003 Fantasia Film Festival.

           

Brief Plot Summery:

The Movie Begins with the GRISLY SPECTACLE of 54 Teenage School Girls commit Mass Suicide by Jumping in Unison in Front of an Oncoming Train. This appears to be Only the Beginning of a Wave of Suicides that Sweeps across Japan, Baffling the Police and Panicking the Populace. Shortly After the Schoolgirl Suicides Two Nurses at a Hospital Commit Suicide by Jumping Out a Window. At Both Locations, ROLLS OF HUMAN SKIN are Found from the BODIES OF THE DEAD!!

Three Detectives -Kuroda, Shibusawa, and Murata- are Notified by a HACKER Named Kiyoko of a Link between the Sudden Rash of Suicides, and a Website that SHows the Number of Suicides as Red and White Circles. Does the New All  Girl Group Pop Group Dessert (Who’s Latest Hit Single has Hypnotized the Nation) have anything to do with It? Will the Suicides Ever Stop? Will the Three Detectives Uncover the Cause of the Tsunami of Suicides Plaguing Their Country???

You’ll have to Watch and See for Yourself. Enjoy

We Hope You Enjoyed SUICIDE CLUB as Much as We Did.

Thanks for Watching,

Presented By  Les Sober & FYB

The Horror Story That Was Unit 731

Virtually Everyone knows or is Familiar with the Nazis Preforming Unthinkable Human Experiments on Prisoners of War (POW) under the Authority of Doctor and SS Officer Joseph Mengele (Know as the Angel of Death). What most People are Unaware of was the Japanese Army’s Infamous Unit 731 that made the Nazi Death Camps look like fucking DisneyWorld.

Unit 731 was a Covert Biological and Chemical Warfare Research and Development unit of the Imperial Japanese Army that Undertook LETHAL HUMAN EXPERIMENTATION during the Second Sino-Japanese War (1937-1945) of World War II. Unit 731 is Responsible for some of the most Notorious WAR CRIMES carried out by Imperial Japan. Unit 731 was based at the Pingfang District of Harbin, the Largest Gas Chamber in the Japanese puppet state of Manchukuo (Now Northeast China), and had Active Branch Offices throughout China and Southeast Asia.

           

Unit 731 consisted of the Following Divisions:

  • Division 1: Research on BubonicPlague, Cholera, Anthrax, Typhoid, and Tuberculosis using LIVING HUMAN SUBJECTS. For this Purpose, a Prison was Constructed to Contain around 300 to 400 Prisoners.
  • Division 2: Research for Biological Weapons Used in the Field, in Particular the Production of Devices to Spread Germs and Parasites.
  • Division 3: Production of Shells containing Biological Agents (Stationed in Harbin)
  • Division 4: Bacteria Mass Production and Storage.
  • Division 5: Training of Personnel.
  • Division 6: Equipment, Medical and Administrative Units.

              

Just Some of the Horrific Human Experiments Unit 731 are as Follows:

  • Prisoners were Deprived of Food and Water to Determine the Length of time it would take for a Person to Stave to Death.
  • Some Prisoners were placed in High-Pressure Chambers unit Their Eyes Popped Out from Their Sockets.
  • Prisoners were also Experimented upon to Determine the Relationship between Temperature, Burns, and Human Survival.
  • Other Prisoners were Electrocuted.
  • Some Prisoners were placed in a Centrifuge and Spun until Death.
  • Prisoners were also Injected with Animal Blood.
  • Prisoners were Exposed to Lethal Doses of X-Rays.
  • Prisoners might also be subjected to Various Chemical Weapons inside a Gas Chamber.
  • Some Prisoners were Burned Alive.
  • Other Prisoners were Buried Alive.
  • Some Prisoners had Horse Urine Injected into Their Kidneys.
  • Prisoners had Their Limbs Amputated and Resewing them to Other Stumps on the Body.
  • Prisoners were Injected with Syphilis or Forced to have Sex with an Infected Prisoner.
  • Prisoners Subjected to Vivisection without Anesthesia.
  • Prisoners were subjected to Frostbite Testing.
  • Prisoners were Injected with Gonorrhoea.

            

Here are just Few Unit 731 Tests in Greater Detail:

  • Frostbite Testing: Army Engineer Hisato Yoshimura conducted Experiments by taking Prisoners Outside, Dipping various Appendages into Water, and Allowing the Limb to Freeze. Once Frozen the Ice was Chipped away and the Area Doused with Water, Limbs brought close to the Fire and Other “Methods” used to Determine the Effect it had on Frostbite. The Effects of Different Water Temperatures were Tested by Bludgeoning the Victim to Determine if any Areas were still Frozen.
  • Weapon Testing: Human Targets were Used to Test Grenades positioned at Various Distances and In Various Positions. Flamethrowers were Tested on the Human Prisoners as well as Bayonets and Various Knives. Prisoners were also tied to Stakes and used as Targets to Test Pathogen-Releasing Bombs, Chemical Weapons, and Explosive Bombs.
  • Vivisection: Vivisections were Preformed on Prisoners (without Anesthesia and often Resulting in Death) after Infecting them with Various Diseases such a Syphilis for example. The Researchers Preformed Invasive Surgery on Prisoners, removing Organs to Study the Effects of Disease on the Human Body. These Surgeries were Conducted while the Patients were still Alive since it was thought that the Death of the Subject would affect the Results. Prisoners had Limbs Amputated in Order to Study Blood Loss. The Amputated Limbs were sometimes Re-Attached to the Oppisite Side of the Body. Some Prisoners had Their Stomaches Surgically Removed and the Esophagus reattached to the Intestines. Parts of Organs, such as the Brain, Lungs, and Liver were Removed from Some Prisoners.

              

In The End: 75 Years Later, the Japanese Government continues to Deny or Minimize this Part of Their Wartime Record, and Refused Demands for a Clear Admission of Guilt with a Clear Apology. The Cover-Up was assisted by the United States i the Post War Years. Rather than allow Unit 731 Research on Chemical and Biological Weapons to fall into Soviet Hands, America shielded some of the War’s Worst War Criminals in Exchange for Their Knowledge/Research/Findings. America made Similar Deals with Top Ranking Nazi Scientists at the End of World War II, and again it was to Keep the Information out of the Hands of the Soviet Union.

Thanks for Watching,

  Presented By Les Sober

NINGEN ISU: Heavy Metal From The Land of the Rising Sun

It Occurred to US here at FYB that We haven’t done a Musical Post since “The Goddamn Gallows” Piece so it’s About Time We did Another. This Time We decided to Cover Our Favorite Japanese Heavy Metal Band NINGEN ISU!!

Ningen Isu Musical Style yields The Band a True Unique Sound. The Band often writes about Classic Japanese Literature by Authors like Rampo Edogwa, Osamu Dazai, and Yukio Mishima. The Band’s other Literary Influences include the Word by Edgar Allen Poe, H.P. Lovecraft, as well as Friedrich Nietzsche.

Ningen Isu often take on Topics such as Hell, Buddism, The Universe, Samurai, and Gambling.

Wajima and Suzuki have a Local Accent called “Tsugaru Dialect” which adds to the Unique and Heavy Atmosphere as well as the Rhythm to Their Songs.

Wajima often uses Difficult and Old Japanese words (used in the Edo Period to the Showa Period) that are often Hard to Understand even by Japanese Standards which adds a to the Solom and Powerful feel of Their Music.

Ningen Isu’s Musical Genres Include But are Not Limited to: Hard Rock, Heavy Metal, Doom Metal, and Progressive Rock.

How It All Started:

In the Early 1980’s Suzuki met Wajima at a Music Salon, and Suzuki was impressed by Wajima’s creative talent for Composing Songs. In 1983 They joined a The Band SHINE SHINE DAN (Translation: The Dead Dead Group) and played Hard Rock Songs at Music Festivals around Japan.

In 1985 after attending Different Collages (Suzuki went to Sophia University to Study Russian Literature, and Wajima went to Komazawa University to Study Buddhism) The Two Friends formed a Band Who’s name was changed in 1987 to Ningen Isu when Drummer Norriyoshi Kamidate joins the Band.

Ningen Isu gained a great deal of Popularity in 1989 playing Their Song Injuries (Strange Beast) on a Japanese Televison Show called Ikasu Band Tengoku (Translation: Cool Band Heaven). The Band’s Heavy Sound, Lyrics full of Literary References/Influences, and Musical Techniques Surprised the Show’s Judges.

Ningen Isu Consists of the Following Members:

Shinji Wajma- Guitars, Vocals, Theremin, Lead Singer, Main Lyric Writer, and Composer.

Ken-ichi Suzuki: Bass, Vocals, Lyrics, Composer.

Nobu Nakajima- Drums, Vocals, Lyrics, Composer (2004-Present)

Thanks for Reading/Viewing/Listening,

  By Les Sober

FYB Matinee Movie – Zombie Ass: The Toilet Of The Dead!

It’s True that We here at FYB can be what some would call Immature or Juvenile, and here’s Some Proof as We Present  the 2011 Japanese Comedy Horror Movie ZOMBIE ASS: TOILET OF THE DEAD Directed by Noboru Ignuchi.

       

The Plot is Simple: Talented Young Karate Student Megumi is Trying to Deal with The Emotional Fallout from Her Bullied Sister’s Suicide.  Megumi Joins Her Friends Aya The Smart Girl (and Her Drugged Out Loser Boyfriend), Maki the Full Figured Model, and Lastly Naoi The Nerd on a Trip Deep into the Woods. During Their Day in the Woods the Group of Friends Encounter the NEFARIOUS DR. TANAKA Who spends His time Conducting GRUESOME EXPERIMENTS on the LIVING DEAD!!

Things start to Go Awry when Maki discovers a PARASITIC WORM inside a Fish and Eats it without Hesitation hoping it will Help Keep Her Thin. A Little Later Maki’s stomach starts to fell Horribly Upset and She takes an Explosively Violent Diarrhea Dump in an Outhouse. Soon After Maki’s Epic Crap The Gang is ATTACKED by a Horde of FECES-COVERED UNDEAD Emerging from the Outhouse. The Gang Escapes the Attack and Seeks Refuge in the INFAMOUS Dr. Tanaka’s Home where He attempts to Turn the Gang into His Latest Experimental Test Subjects! Will Karate and Flatulence be Enough to Stop the Living Undead and Stop Dr. Tanaka once and For ALL? Find Out in ZOMBIE ASS: TOILET OF THE DEAD!

   

NOTE TO VIEWERS: The Version of ZOMBIE ASS: OILET OF THE DEAD was Overdubbed in French so Unless You speak French (and more power to You if You do) You will need to Adjust the Closed Captioning Subtitles to Your Linguistic Needs.

Well We Hope You Enjoyed The Scatological Zombie Stampede as Much as We did.

Thanks for Watching,

 Presented By Les Sober

Conversing With a Cannibal

It’s Definitely NO SECRET that We are Big Fans of Vice, and have Posted Several of Their Exceptionally Well Reported Pieces. The First Vice piece We Shared here was “CANNIBAL GENERALS OF LIBERIA”, and just They Other Day We were made Aware of the Following Vice Report “Interview with a Cannibal”. Needless to Say We Loved it (and In Case You haven’t Noticed Cannibalism is a Reoccurring Theme here at FYB) We had To Share it with Our Readers/Audience/Fans. Vice’s “Interview with a Cannibal” is the Story of Issei Sagwa (aka The Celebrity Cannibal) a Real Life MURDERER AND CANNIBAL who Murdered and Cannibalized a Dutch Woman Named Renee Hartevelt in Paris, France in 1981.

           

Not Only did Sagwa Commit MURDER and the Taboo of CANNIBALISM the Story DOESN’T END with Sagwa’s Apprehension by the French Authorities. Sagwa was found to be LEGALLY INSANE by a French Judge and thus Unfit to Stand Trial. The French Judge remanded Sagwa to the Custody of a French Mental Hospital Indefinitely. After approximately Two Years Sagwa was Extradited to His Home Country of Japan where He was found to be Sane, BUT None the Less “EVIL” and placed into a Mental Institution for an Undetermined Amount of Time. On August 12, 1986 Sagwa signed Himself Out of the Mental Institution, and has been A FREE MAN EVER SINCE. After signing Himself Out of the Mental Institution Sagwa Believe It or Not became a MINOR CELEBRITY in Japan, and made Quite a Nice Living (Selling Original Artwork and Being a Published Author of Multiple Titles) through the Public’s Morbid Curiosity pertaining to His Crimes. Enjoy.

We Hope You Enjoyed This Tasty Little Morsel of Cannibalistic Knowledge Straight from the Chef as Much as We did.

 Presented By Les Sober

Returning to Man the Keyboard

As Our Reader are readily aware at this point We have a tendency to how do You say Fall off the Face of the fucking Earth. For this Inconvenience We Wholeheartedly Apologize, and We will attempt to keep the Sporadic Disappearances to a Bare Minimum.

So if You possibly find Yourself pondering what exactly it is/was that We were up too while We were wondering in the Void I’ll tell You, well I’ll give You the Pertinent Points as there’s No Point in Me writing a bunch of Unnecessary shit, and You reading it.

I’m aware most if not All of Our Reader’s more than likely don’t give a shit, and would be happy if We just Stayed Put. You’ll have to Pardon Me then as My Mother raised Me with Manners. Manners are truly a thing of the Past as Manners DIED right after Chivalry.

        

Now its a bunch of Self Serving, Self Absorbed, and Self Centered Social Media assholes Who desperately want to become the next Big Social Media No Talent Scumbag Hack  or a greedy Youtuber twat who only cares about Monetizing Their fucking crappy Channel.

It’s all the same stupid shit. It’s the “Look at Me! Look At Me! I’m so interesting, I’m too talented, I’m God’s gift to fucking Humanity.” mentality. Take FaceBook for instance where assholes post constantly all fucking day long about:

Where They are (NO ONE GIVES A FUCK YOUR AT WALMART ASSHOLES)

What They Ate (ITS FUCKING FOOD NO BIG WHOOP)

Who They Saw or Did shit with (WHO CARES I DON’T KNOW THOSE SAD SACKS OF SHIT.)

What They’re Doing (SO FUCKING WHAT WE ALL HAVE SHIT TO DO.)

What Mood/Relationship Status is (I DON”T GIVE A FUCK WHO YOU FUCK OR HOW YOU FEEL BECAUSE YOUR A FUCKING FACELESS FAKE AS FUCK FB “FRIEND”)

Anyway I digress.

       

The First thing I for One was dealing with was I got into a Dispute meets Debate. Then when I became Irritated I was convinced a Thought I had had previously was In Fact absolutely right. I still believe this. As for what the fuck is the Reality of the Situation I believe (after conferring with My Wife) that it squarely falls on My Brother.  My Brother You see is really shit at making Decisions as He spends most of His time Precariously Perched on the Fence unwilling to set Foot on either Side.

I had initially thought My Brother’s Wife was playing a much larger part in the matter than She actually was/is. Though to be utterly honest I did spend a good deal of time trying to Demonize the shit out of Her for it. So be it.

I also had the distinct displeasure of seeing My Cardiologist for a 6 month check in to see if I’m Alive and Still Kicking essentially. There was a fucking Medical Student who for this particular appointment  was part of the Package. NOW YOU CAN simply tell said Student or the Doctor that You don’t want the fucking Student to sit in on YOUR Appointment with YOUR DOCTOR.

       

I know They have to fucking learn, but I view these Shadowing Exercises to be GLORIFIED FIELD TRIPS for Medical Students. I don’t want a complete fucking Stranger sitting in the fucking corner during My Appointment. I know this isn’t the popular PC answer that’s because its the fucking TRUTH.

The Student DOESN’T NEED TO BE PART OF THE APPOINTMENT because I’m talking to My Doctor about sensitive Personal Health History, Current Situation, and Future Treatment Plans such as Various Medications or Diagnostic Tests or perhaps Surgery. Your relationship with Your Doctor is fucking PRIVATE thats why Medical Records are LEGAL DOCUMENTS, and We have a little thing called DOCTOR-PATIENT CONFIDENTIALITY.

But I’ll Digress for Now.

       

The Biggest Challenge over the Last Week was the Shit Weather. A massive motherfucker of a Storm front came rolling through Our neck of the Woods. It was Overcast and Rainy along with Blustering Winds and Severe Thunderstorms. So needless to say Our Internet Connection Capabilities/ Service was Virtually Non Existent. It’s the One True Disadvantage to Living in the Middle of  No-Fucking-Where USA.  Hopefully things will Markably Improve Next Month when We switch Our Internet Provider.

The f-yourfilm “Shoot My Face Off, I Like It” (SMFO) Video Game Documentary has already turned into a Labor, No Burden of Love. This Project is not an easy to say the Least. I feel like some sort of fucking Gamer Spy or some insane shit. The Company that made the Game Vanished overnight, and it Removed almost every Scrap of Evidence that the Game ever in fact Existed at All.

       

To further make things difficult the Japanese Government ended up Outlawing SMFO and Did everything in It’s power to make any and all information pertaining to SMFO miraculously Disappear from Public Record. All Sites and Forums for SMFO along with any News Story or Article (Televised, In Print or Online) or Advertising pertaining to SMFO has apparently been Suppressed to the umpteenth degree.

We may just end up Posting a 6 part SMFO Series on What We have managed to scrape up by the skin of Our Teeth. Since We aren’t at all sure the Documentary will be able to Answer the Vast Majority of the Questions surrounding this Video Game Enigmatic Mystery. We shall See.

For those Who have commented on the LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER series Yes We fucked up and LJPPW faltered in Our goal of Daily Posts/Posting. We were concerned that New Reader’s may become confused or miss something because They might look at the Post List and think its a LJPPW centric Blog. We have had a sit down (by this I mean We sat around Our Favorite Bar and Brainstormed using Alcohol as Fuel for the Process) and here is what We decided.

       

The first thing We decided to due is Scrape the Failed Daily Post/Posting since its an exercise in Futility, BUT We knew We had to think of something. Quite Obviously the easiest thing to due was Limit the Number or Posts to Every Other Day. This seemed like a similar set up issue wise as the Daily Posting Deal. We certainly didn’t want to fuck up again so We kept Thinking and Drinking.

Someone suggested perhaps making just 2 LJPPW  Posts a Week One on Monday at the start of the Week, and One on Friday at the End of the week as well. This was Not at all a bad idea yet it seemed to be lacking something key. In the End We agreed LJPPW feels like a Sunday Comic like Dick Tracy and Tarzan from The Past in Print. Thats to say its an ongoing Story but like with Sunday Comic or Television Shows its contained to a single Episode Per Week. That Episode will be Posted every SUNDAY starting with this Coming One (6/30)

      

Thats All We got for Now So Stick With US and See Were It Goes.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Quiz’s Quintessential Answer Key

Do to the insanely rigorous, highly detailed, and labor intensive nature of said Quiz only the TOP 20 Answers are Listed.

For the Rest of the Answer Key Results just shoot Us a Email at fyourblog404@gmail.com that simply says “DECODER RING”.

The Grading System is Strait Forward: Each Alphabetical Letter has been assigned a Numerical Value. Once You answered ALL 25 Questions You simply add up Your answers. Then check the Total against The Answer Key Located Below.

A. = 1,  B.=2,  C=3,  D=4,  E=5 and So On and So Forth.

      

The Top 25 Answers:

  • If You answers are ALL ODD: Your a fucking Wild Card. You deal in the Unconventional, and Unorthodox which leads some People to call You an Innovative Genius or Batshit Crazy. Your intensity drives Your Creativity, but if left unchecked it spiral out of Control words Self Destruction. Your walking an EXTREMEly thin line between Your own Personal Utopia or Your own Personal Hell on Earth. Remember Swords only have Two Sides.

      

  • If Your Answers were ALL EVEN: Your a walking talking Text Book Personality. Your Bland and Mundane the equivalent of a Blank piece of Copier Paper .You never allowed Yourself to Be Yourself, and thus suffocated  your Personality under Your own self implemented Restrictions. Break The Cookie Cutter that Molded You and Find Yourself before its TOO LATE. DOn’t let Your fucking disappointment drive You into the Grave of Regret.

      

  • If You Scored 1-24: Your indecisive I bet You take fucking forever to make a discussion. STOP ANALYZING EVERY ASPECT OF YOUR LIFE! Rock The Fucking Boat and Live DON’T JUST EXIST.

      

  • If Your Scored a 25: Break out the Tin Foil and Start making Hats, and Hanging Coat Hangers from Your Ceiling because Your about to be ABDUCTED BY MOTHERFUCKING ALIENS.

      

  • If You Scored 26-29: You will Travel to The Land of the Rising Sun more commonly known as Japan. You will go to Climb to the Summit of Mount Fuji. Unfortunately for You You hike through the Northwestern Flank of Mt. Fuji through Aokigahara Forrest or as its more commonly known The Suicide Forrest. Aokigahara is Notoriously known as the  WORLD’S SECOND MOST POPULAR SUICIDE LOCATION. You like so many others will simply Vanish never to be seen again. NO SWIMMING IN THE SEA OF TREES KIDS.

  • If You Scored a 30: Your a Trendy Hipster. Commercialism Defines You, YOU ARE YOUR POSSESSIONS. Your a fucking Sheep moseying to the Slaughter as it were. You should seriously think about doing the ENTIRE WORLD a fucking Favor and Hurry up and Die. Sorry You just SUCK that BAD.

      

  • If  You Scored a 31-39: Your Genetically Prone to Bear Attack so watch Your ass in the Woods. Smokey is NO Friend of Yours I assure You of that. He too is a Bear and will maul You possibly to Death just like Yogi or Boo Boo.

      

  • If You Scored a 35: You Have Genital Herpies, but hey thats better than fucking AIDS. Best You Stock up on Valtex now before its TOO LATE.

      

  • If You Scored a 36-39: You Will Be Killed By Spontaneous Combustion. Wish We had some advice unfortunately there is NO RESEARCH or Reliable Available Data on the Phenomenon.

   

  • If You Scored a 40: You will be part of the Colonization of Mars so Set Phasers to Stun, and Have a Safe Trip. Happy Travels and God Speed You Black Emperor.

      

  • If You Scored 41-44: We hate to be the ones to break this to You. Your Guardian Angel is a Demon in Disguise. We Recommend You See The Catholic’s about a Exorcism or Seek out a Reki Master to rid You of this certain Divinity Based issue. Tell Linda Blair Hi For Us.

      

  • If You Scored 45: Congratulations Your Related to Caligula one of the Sickest and Twisted Roman Emperors in all of Human History. Sorry not everyone can be related to Tom fucking Cruise or some other Famous Asshole.

      

  • If You Scored 46-49: You are Destined to be killed prematurely by a Tragic and Freak Colonic Accident. Talk about the Shit Hitting the Fan.

      

  • If You Scored a 50: WINNER, WINNER CHICKEN DINNER & GIVE YOURSELF A CIGAR. Make it a Fidel Castro Turn in His Grave.

  • If You Scored a 51-54: You will make Your Fortune by Buying Pork Belly Stocks and Selling Gold (Stocks). Just ask Mortimer I’ll bet You a Dollar He’s Trade Places with You in a fucking Heart Beat baby.

      

  • If You Scored a 55: Live Like An Angel, Die Like a Demon because You will certainly be Killed By Death. We’re NOT just spitting Venom are We Lemmy.

      

  • If You Scored a 56-59: You will be the First Person in History to Invent an ACTUAL WIDGET. You can use Economics to bring it to Reality.

      

  • If You Scored a 60: Your Not Real. You Believed Yourself into Existence. You Imagined Your Fiction into Fact. Keep the Faith or Literally Fade Away.

      

  • If You Scored 61-64: Your Your Own Doppelgänger a Non Biological related look a like Double (often considered Evil or Supernatural by Nature) of a Living Person. Technically You shouldn’t even still Exist. The belief goes if One meets Their Doppelgänger They BOTH WILL CEASE TO EXIST. You see  They cancel Each other Out of Existence like adding a Positive and a Negative Number. Well at Least Germany is Nice this Time of Year.

  • If You Scored a 65: Break Out the Spandex because You will be joining an 80’s Hair Metal Cover Band destined to become Local Legends. Just be sure to Remember along the way That Every Rose Has Its Thorn.

   

  • If You Scored 66-69: Get ready You’ll be Heading to Ozzy Osbourne’s Final Final Tour when it comes to your particular Town/City. You will have seats in the First Row Front and Center, BUT OZZY will be Tripping His Balls Off on a cocktail of Hallucinogens. Under the Influence Ozzy will Hallucinate that Your a Giant Fruit Bat, and will Bite Your fucking Head Off. At Least You won’t need to get Rabies Shots.

  • If You Scored a 70: You will have an illustrious Career as a Glu Sniffing Rhine Stony Professional Line Dancing Disco Cowboy. So Break Out the BeDazzler and Go fucking Nuts!

      

  • If You Scored a 71-74: You will become The World’s First BITCOIN MULTI BILLIONAIRE, The King of Crypto Currency. Unfortunately its NOT a RECOGNIZED CURRENCY by the Rest of the World so Spending it will be impossible. At least You can treat Yourself to one hell of a Dark Web Shopping Spree.

      

  • If You Scored a 75: You will be the One to Find Jimmy Hoffa who then union discovery will make You Disappear. At least its better than finding The Infamous  Bum Farto (and YES Bum Farto is/was a Actual Real Life Person, He’s good for a Google.)

      

  • If You Scored a 76-79: You will Win a Noble Prize for Your Research and Development of Robotics. Then You will venture into Fringe Robotic Sciences and start Experimenting on Yourself. Eventually You will become a Certified Cyborg, BUT You’ll have become Addicted to Robotic Body Modification. You will keep going until You in the end are 100% Robot. Look on the bright side Perhaps SkyNet is Hiring.

      

  • If You Scored an 80: You will Abandon Your current life, Home, Friends, Family, and Possessions for a Life as a Carnie bouncing From County Fair to County Fair, and Traveling Circus to Traveling Circus. You’ll become a Functional Alcoholic with a growing Meth and Pain Killer Addiction. You will Die leaving a 90 Pound, Toothless, Jaundice Ridden, Sickly Yellow Colored Corpse. You should have Listened to Nancy fucking Regan and just said NO.

  • If You Scored a 81-84: You will get Married and have a large Family. You will still live close to Your Parents and Siblings. You will have a successful enough career in Your Profession of Choice, and as so You will want to Care for Them incase You Die suddenly. So You get a Hefty Life Insurance Policy. 6 Months Later on One of Your Family Members (possibly working with One or More additional Family Accomplices)  will Murder You for the Life Insurance Money. Remember kiddies One of the FASTEST way to get Yourself Killed is Buying Life Insurance.

      

  • If You Scored a 85: You will become hopelessly Addicted to Hardcore Fetish Pornography and as a Result You will for Go Sleep and Food until You’ve Literally Masturbate Yourself to Death. Remember Kiddies TOO MUCH of a GOOD thing can fucking kill Your ass.

  • If You Scored a 86-89: You will meet Your Idol, Murder Them, and Take Their Place. DYI Bodysnatchers.

      

  • If You Scored a 90: You will be the First and Only Person to Navigate down to the VERY BOTTOM of The Maritime Trench more than 36,201 feet Below Sea Level. You will see Wonders that No other Human has ever laid eyes on. You’ll see Aquatic Sea Creatures No One even knew Existed. You will see the Secrets Beneath The Sea no one has been able to See, but not due to a lack of trying mind You. Sad to say You will never be able to tell a single Soul what You saw as You will Be Devoured by a Undiscovered Species of Giant Predatory and Deadly Jellyfish.

      

  • If You Scored a 91: Your Fate is Sealed. You one Day take a Tour of the Distillery where Your Favorite Alcoholic Beverage is Made. During the Tour some impatient Asshole will shove His/Her way forward from the Back of the Group to the Front. Inevitably this Unknown Asshole will invariantly push You into a MASSIVE Fermentation Tank where You will Drink Yourself to a Euphoric Death while waiting to be fished out. So much for Drinking Responsibly.

      

  • If You Scored a 92: Well We’re not sure what the fuck to say really. 92 is obviously a PERFECT Score, Yet NOBODY IS IN FACT PERFECT. As far as We can tell You must be an Inter Dimensional Entity or Being from a Parallel Universe. Thats It. Thats all We got.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Absurdia’s Menu : Meet Our Elite Staff of Culinary Masters Pt 1 (Owner & Maitre d’)

Meet Our Gracious Owner:

The Owner of Absurdia is Mr. Leviticus Van Trundle the Son of Thaddeus Van Trundle, and heir to the Von Trundle Fortune. Leviticus grew up running playfully around the grounds of the Van Trundle Family Estate Prabangus Manor.

Leviticus attended the prestigious Prep School Pengar Pasar Academy until he graduated with minimal honors. Leviticus went on to finish his education at the Well to do Ivy League Elitiste Collage where he in majored in International Culinary Arts, and Ev Ekonomi Bilimi.

After Graduation Leviticus took a Culinary Sabbatical, and embarked upon a Trip that led him to travel to the four corners of the Earth to each and every Country &  Nation on Earth.

This rather lofty idea came to Leviticus in a dream on a Summer’s Night in which the ghost of Winston Churchill, Caligula, Anton Lavey, and Leviticus were having diner together, and discussing Flavor Profiles from the four corners of the Earth.

Upon waking Leviticus decided he must sample every food imaginable in every country possible until he ran out of both in 1999 and opened Absurdia.

 

Meet Our World Class Maitre d’Restaurant:

Irei Yushu has become know through out the World as the absolute pinnacle of Perfection in Maitre d Profession as it is known today.

Ire started his training at age 4 under the strict tutelage of Gurandomasuta (Grand Master) Sabisu no Ryoshu  in the small city of Utashinai located in the Hokkaido Region of Japan.

Irei studied furiously for 22 hours a day 7 days a week for 6 years before even being allowed to look at a proper and professional place setting, but that didn’t phase Irei in the least.

At the tender age of 12 Irei was approved by Gurandomasuta Sabisu no Ryosho to advance to the Saiko No  Academy in the Village of Chichibu, Saitama Prefecture Japan.

At 30 Irei graduated the Saiko No Academy at the Top of his Class, and having earned ever award the Academy Offered was drafted by Shiko Collage of the Maitre d’ Arts in Sapporo City.

Irei Graduated Sabisu no Kotei from Shiko at just 42 years of age making him the youngest graduate by 18 entire years.

Eleven minutes after graduating Irei took the extensive, and brutally intense Fukano Board’s Maitre d’ Exam which is administered over a long, and exhausting 336 hours strait with a 3 minute break for every 24 hours of Testing.

Irei finished the Exam in just under 188 hours, without any breaks, and scored a record high of 999/1200 making Irei the most in demand Maitre d’ since French Maitre d’ Grosse Baise (1809-1918).

Irei’s first job was working the front of house for the Elite Swedish Restaurant Feta Katter before leaving for a job as Head Maitre d’ at the Superbly  Sublime Eatery Spise Pa Joes in Denmark. And finally before working with us at Absurdia (starting in 1999) was the Maitre d’ of Maitre d’s at the Exclusive Norwegian hot spot Spis Fettkake.

While working at Absurdia Irei won the coveted Italian Mangiare Cazzate Premio in 2002-Present, The Lithuanian Bepramiskas Prizas (1999, 2002, 2005, 2008, 2012, 2015, & 2018), The Polish Gownaine Maitr d’ Trofeum (2000, 2004, 2008, 2012, 2018), and Portugal’s Highly Prestigious Fiho Da Puta in (2001-2016 and 2017- Present)

Irei’s Motto is “Perfection isn’t a Goal, Its a Way of Life.”

 

Thanks for Reading,

 By Les Sober