So I’m supposed to have a lot of these aspiration type things. Or maybe just a few. However I cannot pay attention to any one thing in my life so far this year for more then three days at a time.
Why three days? I don’t know. Perhaps it is my premenstrual cycle of attention deficit asshole disorder kicking in but I’m not really sure. Yet low and behold. Three days of this, three days of that.
Three days of fuck the world I’m not charging my cell phone. Three days of oh shit call everyone back and act dumb as to why my phone is off.
Three days of drunken slob.
Three days of recovering Christian.
Three days of online gaming.
Three days of swearing off online gaming.
Well hopefully I can break this trend with a few of these great occupations that I can begin training for a.s.a.p. Right when I am done telling you about how brilliant I truly am for thinking of these jobs. Perhaps some of you can join me in these undertakings.
(These jobs are not in any special order. They are equally fabulously delicious)
#1- Somali Pirate!
I get to loot and pillage and plunder and live in a foreign land. Sure I don’t particularly look Somali and if caught will most likely reside in Guantanemo Bay but I get to wear an eye patch and get a tan and rediscover my African roots. That’s some hot shit!
#2- Jizz Mopper!
This isn’t a particularly glamorous job but the temp agency I went to last week told me that all the positions for fluffers had been taken. While I am not too keen on this one Ms. Hyman down at the agency told me if I collect enough jizz in a jar she knows a few places I could sell it for commission. So I will keep this one in mind.
#3-Cirque De Soliel!
Okay so I’m not particularly fond of French Canadiens for some reason but I get to swing around like a complete moron. I really will be able to lose a lot of weight doing this and well this definitely would get me in shape for pirating and jizz mopping. I can’t think of any talent for them I’ll just say I’m clairvoyant. They could always use another one of those.
#4- Lab Rat!
So I saw this ad in the paper. I don’t have testicular cancer or hemroids or pussy swelling of the nipples like they need me to have, however I am sure if I put a little research into this sort of thing I can get my nut to go in hiding for a while or fake a little pus. Oh wait it says estrogen enhancement needed. I can’t really go there. I like my man parts.
#5- Bible School Counselor!
Hmmm maybe. I can make up my own biblical stories and maybe I can even wear a habit. Nah then I’ll have to cover for priests and I may have to jizz mop the confessional booth.
Oh what the hell!
Hmmm maybe I can be a jizz moping somali pirate lab rat bible dipping circus freak. Yeah I like wearing a lot of hats.
Ummmmm can I borrow some money to get to Somalia anyone?
Whoever can help me I get you lots of strange booty.
