The Smart Car began creeping down the Road at a Snails pace as the Driver was Teetering on the Edge of a Full Blown Panic Attack. The Driver’s Anxiety had shot up Astronomically having now Fully Realized the Consequences of the Situation He had gotten Himself Into. There was a Intoxicated Lunatic hanging onto the Back of His Car by the Rear Windshield Wiper which was both Dangerous and Illegal. Then again what could He possibly do about it in all reality? He had tried to Argue the Logic and Legalities as much as He could have, But Dizzy was Bigger, Intoxicated, and On the Verge of Becoming Who Knows How Violent?! It didn’t make sense to Run the Risk of getting Murdered by Dizzy on the Grimy Sidewalk Considering a Possible Run in with The Police whoHe was pretty Certain, unlike Dizzy, wouldn’t Kill Him. And in that Split instant is When the Driver Instinctually Decided Risking Arrest Triumphed Over Risking Death.
“My fucking Great Grandmother’s piece of shit Hover Round Motorized Chair goes faster than this Glorified Golf Cart, and I’d like to get where I’m going BEFORE I’m fucking Dead.” exclaimed Dizzy.
“Safety First.” responded the Driver trying hard as hell to sound confident while Praying Silently to Himself that His comment didn’t unlock another Level of Lunacy in Dizzy.
“We just got Lapped by DANCING DAVE which is fucking PHENOMENAL considering Dancing Dave DOESN’T MOVE! He’s STATIONARY AS SHIT! HE’S A STATUE OF LIVING FLESH for Christ’s Sake, and God ONLY knows How He just fucking Passed Us. So THAT’S a fucking Thing Now.” continued Dizzy Thoroughly Undeterred and Continuing His One Man Riot from the Rear of the Vehicle.
“You damn all know He’s Not going to Stop so You may as well at least go as Fast as You can Stand to right fucking Now and take it from there.” said Lee Knowingly.
“Look I don’t care if He kills Himself doing this ridiculous Juvenile bullshit, BUT I don’t want to fuck My Life up by going to Jail if He Does Die because I let Him do it.” stammered the Driver Uneasily as He could actually feel Himself slowly coming Undone as His Sanity Slipped further Away from Him.
The Smart Car arrived unceremoniously at the End of the Street where the Driver came to a gruelingly Cautious, and Complete Stop before turning Right onto a Main Street. The Driver’s Blinker hadn’t even have the time to Click Itself Off at the Completion of the Turn before the Blaring Police Lights filled the Driver’s Rear View Mirrors like the World’s Shittiest Circus You ever Saw in Your Life. The Driver breathed a Sigh of Relief because though He may be in some Legal Trouble He would soon be Free of the Madman that had Personally taken a Huge Stinking Shit on HIs Afternoon, and His basically Useless Side Kick Friend.
The Driver complied with the Police Officer and Immediately pulled over to the side of the road, pt the Car in Park, and turned off the Engine. He then proceeded to get His Documents in Order diligently collecting His License, Registration, and Proof of Insurance Ready and a Waiting for the Inevitable Police Officer’s Initial request. Thats when supposedly the Police Officer opted to Use the PA System in His Patrol Car as He barked out Orders. First He ordered Dizzy to Left go of the Wiper, get off the Skateboard, and take a Seat on the Curb. Once Dizzy was Seated the Officer Instructed The Driver to Slowly Exit the Vehicle with His Hands where He could See them. Once the Driver was out He too was Ordered to Sit on the Curb as well. Finally The Officer commanded Lee to do the same as the Driver had done. Now with all three sitting on the curb like a Group of Dejected Gargoyles the Officer finally got out of the Patrol Car.
The Officer stood stoically by His Cruiser pausing for full fucking Effect before taking His time walking over to the Guys Sitting Silently on the Curb. Once He was in front of The Driver, Dizzy, and Lee He took a few Moments to Pace Deliberately back and Forth trying to convey Authority, and Keep everyone on Edge.
“So Gentlemen Which One of You would like to Fill ME in on what Exactly is Going on Here?!” asked the Officer in a Low and Steady tone of Voice Devoid of any Emotion Whatsoever.
“Well I can.” said The Ride Driver volunteering Himself.
“No He can’t the Guy in spite of looking like a Reject from the Cats of The Big Bang Theory He’s an Absolute Idiot, The Guy doesn’t know how to Live Life Apparently.” quipped Dizzy Sarcastically while Leering Creepily at the Driver.
“Alright Enough Drama You Queens, Everyone lets see some Identification.” instructed the Officer Robotically having asked this Question countless times before that it had become Second Nature.
The Officer collected the Identifications and then Lazily flipped through them like they were Baseball Cards and He was assessing the Personal Statistics of Each of Them. The Officer then asked for the Driver’s Proof of Insurance and Registration before returning to His Patrol Car. Dizzy shifted His weight from one ass check to the Other as His ass started to go Numb from sitting on the Cement Curb. Lee tried to remain as Still as fucking Human possible for the Fear of doing Something that freaked the Officer Out resulting in Lee getting Mistakenly Shot and Killed on the Spot. The Driver sat hunched Over staring at His feet looking as Sad and Pathetic as Eeyore from Winnie-The-Pooh Children’s Books.
“What is He Doing He’s been sitting in His Patrol Car for over 11 minutes Almost already.” wondered the Driver Out Loud since He had never been pulled over before, and wasn’t sure what the fuck to Expect.
“He’s trying to figure out if He wants to Fill out the shit ton of Paperwork in the Case He does take Us into Custody Versus Simply Killing us and Disposing of Our Bodies at Some random Rural Dump Site in the Middle of No Man’s Land America.” Speculated Dizzy Snidely Deliberately trying to Agitate the Already Distraught Driver.
Stay Tuned for the Next Absurdity Based Installment of………
LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (52/365)
Thanks for Reading,
By Les Sober