Tag: life lesson

Scammer Tried Scamming And Got His Ass Handed To Him

So since the dawn of fucking Humanity there have been piece of shit Scammers. One of the Biggest Types of Scams as We are All Aware is Counterfeiting. Counterfeiting has gone hand in hand with Humanity.  People have been creating Fake Products and Money since the fucking Dawn of Time. A Few Examples Counterfeiting from Throughout History such as the Invention of Colored Glass at the Time of the Roman Empire. Surprisingly this fucking led to a Sudden Massive Increase in Fake Gems Stones such as Rubys and shit.

Then Back in the fucking 1800’s the Country was fucking Infested with Medical Bullshitters Known as fucking Snake Oil Salesmen. Snake Oil Salesmen sold Phony Medical Elixirs/Medicines that were Billed as Miracle Cures for fucking Any and All Medical Diseases, Problems, or Afflictions Whatever the fuck that Means) that You had. “Do You Suffer from Mind fucking Migraines, Stage fucking 4 Brain Cancer, Syphilis (Apparently everyone back then was a Slut so Damn Near every motherfucker had an STD Syphilis was in particularly Popular, Arthritis, Cold/Flu, Pain of any Kind, Digestive Issues (Ex. IBS), and Menstruation Issues? Have No Fear Ladies and fucking Gentlemen all You have to do is just DRINK THIS SHIT! Once the Medicine/Elixir starts to fucking Work You’ll become Symptom Free You will Actually Feel better than You have Ever Before in Your Entire Life! You’ll be Stronger, Taller, and Healthier than You could even IMAGINE!!” Not to fucking Mention at the time these So Called Medicines were Primarily a Harmless Liquid combined with a Variety of fucking Hardcore Narcotics like fucking Morphine, Alcohol, Cocaine, Heroin, or at Least fucking Alcohol (Ex. Whiskey). Obviously these Bullshit Remedies didn’t Cure a fucking thing. All these Concoctions accomplished to do is Seriously fuck Customers Up. They fucked Customers so Much that They didn’t care anymore about Their Health Problems (or Anything fucking Else for that Matter). I mean Seriously the Primary fucking reason People Drink or Do Drugs is to Stop Giving a Flying Fuck about all the Bullshit They have to Deal with.

                   

Then in the Early 1900’s Snake Oil Salesmen became a New Type of Assholes when They ditched the Fake Fucking Medicines in Favor of Quack Medical Devices. Once again None of these Alleged Treatments did a goddamn thing to Help Anyone in the fucking Least. These absurd fucking Treatments didn’t even get You fucking High usually They were Uncomfortable as Fuck or Outright fucking Painful. Not only were these Treatments a complete fucking Fraud They could fuck up the patient even Worse. The reason all these Scumfuck Scammers could Peddle these Fraudulent Medical Devices or Treatments is that the Government didn’t Require any fucking  Medical Proof that a Treatment Worked. This led to allowing Anyone to Claim Anything did Everything under the fucking Sun. Fast Forward to the Rampant Greed when Cash was fucking King of the 1980’s. In the 80’s it became fucking Common Place (and Considered just the Price of Doing Business) for Stock Brokers to Promote any Stock regardless if it was Worth a Damn. So Stock Brokers started hawking All kinds of Shit Stocks to Their Clients because They didn’t give a Shit about Their Clients. It became All about  was the Stock Broker’s Commission, and getting Obscenely Rich off Bullshitting Their Clients into Buying Worthless fucking Stocks.

With the Invention of the Internet Scamming was taken to a Whole New fucking Level. From the Earliest Days of their Internet with the Nigerian Prince Email Scams. This Type of Scam is Seriously Fucktarded I mean the Premise  Alone is utterly fucking Unbelievable, and to be Honest I really have No fucking Clue HOW Anyone could Fall for Such Blatant Bullshit. The Scam Basically claims a Prince or Diplomat is Stuck in Africa by No Fault of Their Own. Then the Scammer would Claim that on Top of being Stranded that for Some Vague and Ridiculous Reason They ALSO had Their Bank Accounts Frozen. Then the Scammer would ask or flat out or even resort to Pleading/Begging the Victim to Help Them out. To Help the Scammer makes Absolutely Insane Proposition which is if the Victim Sends the Several Thousands of fucking Dollars to Unfreeze Their Finances, and in Return for the Help They will Repay the Victim with Millions of Dollars.

Now I could go on All fucking Day about this Scam, but I’ll just sum it the fuck up like this. Even if You Play Devil’s Advocate the Scam is Absurd because WHY the fuck would a African Prince/Diplomat/Royalty Who was in Such a Dire Situation reach out to COMPLETE FUCKING STRANGER(S) in a Different Country across the fucking Ocean?! What the fuck is that about Don’t They have Friends or Family They could Contact or a Government Office or Authority for Help?! Once You ask Yourself that Basic Question You See Immediately that the African Prince’s Email Plea for Help is a Rather Pathetically Planned Scam.

A Few Examples of Current ongoing Scams includes, but is Not Limited to the The IRS Scam, Romance Scam, Pop Up Scam, PayPal Scam, Refund Scam, Amazon Scam, Crypto Scams, Netflix Scam, Roku Scam, Extended Warranty Scam, or Social Security Number Scam. With the Addition of Social Media it Provided a Breeding Ground for Scammers to Scam, Communicate, Exchange People’s Personal Information, and Coordinate Scams. All You have to do to see this for Yourself is to Spend a Couple Minutes on Telegram the Dark Wed Equivalent of Social Media Platforms. Telegram is Nothing but a Criminal Platform for Scammers, Pedophiles, Racist Groups, Terrorist Groups, and Extremists, BUT that’s an Another Post unto itself. Let’s fucking Face It People as a Whole are Egotistical Animals that because We have Thumbs, and Walk Upright We that makes Us the Center of the fucking Universe.

                   

So just the Other Day a New Mom and Pop Coffee Shop Opened in a Near by Town from where I Live, and I fully Believe in Supporting Both Local and Small Businesses. Fuck Big Box Bullshit Store like Walmart or fucking Target. I believe in Financially Crippling Corporations while Simultaneously Bankrupting Billionaires. Bottomline Riot Against the Rich and Eat the Elite. With that said the Coffee Shop in question is a fucking Poor Excuse for a Coffee Shop believe You Me. Just imagine Someone created a Cheap and Even Worse Version of Starbucks Run by a Bunch of Unpleasant Cunts.

Seriously These fucking Employees acted as if They were in a fucking Prison Cafeteria or some shit like that. They were Cold as fuck with Eat Shit Scowls  plastered Across Their Faces that made Resting bitch Face look like an Ear to fucking Ear Smile. It wouldn’t have Surprised Me if a fucking Full Blown Riot Broke Out where Customers (and the Staff Alike) Started Shiving the shit Out of Each Other. All this should have served as fucking Foreshadowing for the Events to Come that’s fucking for sure.

As soon as I got My Coffee I exited the Shop post fucking Haste as all I had thought about since Entering was Exiting. Granted I Drive what most People would Refer to as a Big Ass Truck complete with Big Nasty Trailer Hitch. Being that the Coffee Shop is in a rather Small Town there was More than Ample Parking. There was so much fucking Available Parking it was like a fucking Zombie Apocalypse had Occurred. Honestly there fucking wasn’t a Single fucking Car that I could fucking See Parked ANYWHERE. In Spite of this the Only Asshole Who came to the Coffee Shop while I was There Parked Directly Behind Me. I mean the Asshole parked so fucking Close that They were Literally Bumper Fucking My Truck is All I’m saying. I admit I was still Contemplating How Crappy the Coffee Shop was and Forgot to Look Behind Me when I was Leaving. It didn’t even fucking Occur to Me that A) There was Anyone Else doing Anything in Town other then Me, and B) with all the Aforementioned Parking I never Though an Asshole would Park Behind Me (Not to Mention so fucking Insanely Close to Boot).

Well Needless to Say when I Put the truck in Reverse, Took My foot off the Brake and the Truck INSANELY SLOWLY Rolled Back. As Soon as I took My fucking Foot off the fucking Brake I felt a Small Bump and Immediately Pulled My Truck Forward. I then Turned the fucking Truck Off so I could Get Out and See if there was Any Damage. I really didn’t fucking think there would be Any since My Trailer Hitch Barely touched the Other Car’s Bumper. Now there was a TINY fucking Dent the Size of a fucking Quarter that could be Fixed by just Using a Toilet Plunger to Undo the Dent it’s Simple as fuck to do. I proceeded to reenter the Crappy Coffee Shop and inquired to Who the Owner of Said Vehicle Was. As it Turned Out it was the ONLY other fucking Customer to Show Up Other than This Guy the Place was a fucking Ghost Town. The Man was a Heavy Set and on the Short Side and was Dressed like a 1970’s Pimp. I’m not even Joking He was wearing a Vibrantly Purple 3 Piece Suit complete with a Wide Brimmed Hat and a Cane for Aesthetics. I couldn’t Help Wonder even with the Addition of the Internet WHERE did this fucking Guy Buy such a Suit in the First Place. Once the Shock of the Man’s Outrageously Ugly Suit I informed Him of what the fuck Happened, and We ventured Outside so He could See the “Damage” for Himself.

   

  • So when We get to this Man’s Car He took a Glance at His Bumper and States “We can this Handle Ourselves”. Instantly I fucking knew I had a Lowly Scammer on My Hands. The Protocol is if You’re in ANY kind of Automobile Altercation You call the fucking Cops who take a Report to be Submitted to the Insurance Companies. It took only a matter of a Few fucking Seconds for the Man to Insist I Owed Him $50 for the Damage which was Absolutely fucking Fucktarded. Now I’m sure this Motherfucker thought He had an Easy Mark in a Supposedly Nervous White Kid, BUT Boy Oh fucking Boy was He wrong as Fuck. I immediately Stated that I wasn’t giving Him a Goddamn Dime Not Now Not Ever.

The Man ignored Me and Continued Pushing His Scam. It’s Significant to Mention this Happened in the Middle of the Day in a Small Rural Farming Community on Main Street, and the Obscenity Laden Language I was using is Utterly Uncommon for the fucking Bible Belt. Seriously these are the Type of People that freaked the fuck out when an Actor in the Movie in Gone With The Wind said “Frankly Scarlett I Don’t give a Damn.” Also I stuck out like a Sore fucking Numb as Well because I don’t look like the fucking Locals. The Locals have an Unofficial Uniform consisting of Generic Blue Jeans, T-Shirt with some fucking Animal on it, and a Baseball Cap which makes Everyone look like a Redneck Clone of Each Other. I on the Other Hand Wear Death Metal/Goregrind Band T-Shirts, Black Jeans, Sunglasses, and a Hat that Reads “G_ F_ck Y__rs_lf and Under that “Want to Buy a Vowel?” Not to mention I have Long ass Hair, Prominent Tattoos, a Righteous Wild Man Goatee, and Do Not give a Flying Fuck about Social Norms.

                       

This Standoff if You will Continued like this for about half a fucking Hour as He demanded Cash and Me telling Him Not a Chance in Hell. Then an Epiphany Hit Me like a Ton of fucking Bricks and I knew right then and there I had this Scammer backed into a fucking Corner. You See the Fact this Scammer Shithead was so fucking Insistent when it came to NOT contacting the Cops let Me know I had the Advantage. That’s when I switched up My Strategy and gave the Scammer an Ultimatum. Either He could Shut the Fuck Up, Walk Away, and We’d Hopefully never see Each other Again. And if He was that fucking Bent Out of Shape about His fucking Bumper then I’d Gladly Call the Cops. As You might Imagine the Scammer recoiled at the Idea of the Cops like a fucking Vampire from a Cross. I cut the Scammer Off because I was fucking sick and tired of going in Circles and getting fucking No Where. I laid into the Scammer Repeating Louder and More Aggressive as I went Repeating My Ultimatum. This threw the Scammer off His Game, BUT He sure as Hell wasn’t letting this shit go as He started Babbling like a Tongue Tied Village Idiot. At this Point I was Extremely Pissed Off which Prompted Me to Tell the Scammer that My Drivers License and Insurance were Clean, I didn’t have Contraband (anything You wouldn’t want a Cop to fucking Find) on Me or In My truck, and I didn’t have any Outstanding Legal Issues like a Warrant for Example.

                   

See My Epiphany I mentioned Earlier was that Last Thing the Low Life Scumfuck Scammer wanted was to have the Cops Come. This is Quite Obviously because Unlike Me He DID have something to Hide that He sure as Hell didn’t want the Cops to Discover. Knowing this Meant I had the Upper Hand since like I said I was Free and Clear of any Issue/Problem with the Cops. At this Point I pulled My Phone Out and Pulled Up the Local Police Phone Number from My Contacts (I have Friends/Family that live in that Area so that’s Why I had the Cops in My Contacts) and Held the Phone Up so the Scammer Could See It. Once again the Scammer tried to Bullshit about the Situation which caused Me to Shove My Phone in the Scammers Face to make My fucking Point. Believe it Or Not the Scammer Switched Gears from Stand Offish to Trying to Win Me over with be Ungodly Friendly as if We’d known Each other Since Childhood. I informed Him We weren’t Friends and never fucking would be So let’s stay on Point and deal the Bumper Bumping Issue. The Scammer was Struggling as He hadn’t Expected to Encounter a Foul Mouthed, Aggressive, and Head Strong Individual that wasn’t about to take Shit from any-fucking-one. Perhaps around this Point the Scammer FINALLY started to Realize He couldn’t Win though He Kept trying for awhile Longer.

The Scammer started to Haggle over the Price He wanted for the “Damage” to His Bumper (Though His Car was a Beater Piece of Shit that looked like He was Living in It), and Tried to Start a Negotiation. He First reduced His Price by Knocking $20 off and said He’d settle for $30 instead. This Strategy Failed as Badly as His Previous Strategies and I Told Him Once again that I wasn’t giving Him one Red fucking Cent. Then the Scammer reduced His Price again to $20 as if He thought He was Haggling in a fucking Pawn Shop. I was fucking Dumbfounded when the Scammer Shitfuck still kept up His Fucktarded Price Brokering. The Scammer once again Cut the Price in Half to $10 and I Utterly Lost My Shit and then Some. I Damn Near Yelled Directly in the Scammers Face that ONCE AGAIN I Wasn’t Giving Him Shit No Matter How Low He Went, and Then I Shoved My Phone Back in His Face but This Time I Hit the Dial Button.

That Move caused the Shitty Scammer to Panic as He had Figured Out that Not Only was He not getting a goddamn Dollar, But if the Cops came He’d have a real fucking Bad Day by Ending Up on the Wrong Side of the Law. The Scummy Scammer’s Eyes were as Wide as fucking Dinner Plates, He started Waving His Arms Frantically, and was Trying to Talk so Fast He just Talked Over Himself. I Hung Up before the Cops Answered as the Scammer was fucking Done and My Mission was a Success. As Soon as I hung Up I glared at the Shitsplat Scammer and told Him for the Last Time I’m NOT fucking Around which He now well Aware Of by Now. I then reiterated My Ultimatum for the Last fucking Time Walk the fuck Away or I’m calling the Cops. The Scammer at Last Admitted Total Defeat and Started Spouting bullshit about How He gets Along with Everyone. I immediately responded by Telling Him I’m Someone who is Part of Everyone and We weren’t getting Along just to be a Dick.

Thus in the End the Scammer fucked Off and I’ve never seen the Scumfuck again which is a Good Thing as if I do See the Motherfucker it’s going to be Round 2. The Moral to the fucking Story is Don’t take shit from Scammer Pieces of Shit. If Anyone try to Exploit You like this Tell’em to Get Fucked and Threaten to Call the Cops and You’ll be just fucking fine. In the End I did receive Several Phone calls that Evening from Friends who Reported How the Science on the Street had Apparently caught the Attention of every Driver on the Road. Now I have the reputation as the Local Psychopath that’s Best to Be Avoided, But Fuck It it Doesn’t Bother Me it Keeps Asshats the fuck Away from Me GREAT.

It is What it Is,

 By Les Sober

I KNOW I’M A FOOL

Welcome to Today’s FYB Post I KNOW I’M A FOOL By Content Creator know as Burden. Burden Claims Their Work as “For those who are no longer human. For those who can’t relate. Videos range from unruly despair to unrecognized rage. Deprived Visions.” Who or Whom Burden is remains to be seen, but Here’s a would be Rundown of this Obscure Channel. Burden is a Small Channel that has a Collection of Strange/Unexplained/Mysterious Videos that could Possibly be an ARG, an Art Project, Gorilla Advertising, or Just the Crazy fucking shit Spewing from Someone Who forgot to take Their fucking Medication. We Don’t give a Fuck if Burden is Actually Ingenious or Absolutely Insane, But We fucking Do Enjoy Their Work a Good Bit that’s for Sure.

I KNOW I’M A FOOL basically can be Broken Down into 3 Parts The Beginning, The Middle, and Yeah the fucking End. The Beginning showcases Gothic Themes like it was Filmed in Some fucking Graveyard somewhere it’s just Painfully Cliche is all (it SERIOUSLY reminds Us of a Countless Number of Student Art Films/Projects is All). The Audio is Much More interesting as it’s Narrated by What Sounds like an Old British Man Who Sounds like He is Waxing Poetically during what could be a Lecture of Some sort on Life Lessons or fucking Philosophy on the Human Condition but We don’t rightfully fucking Know.

The Middle is Black and White Footage of What Appears to be a Woman on a fucking Bus as if She was on a Security Camera because the Distorted Footage is Reminiscent of Something Recored on/by CCTV. Then Following that There is Rather Random Stock Footage of Old Historical Trains with Coal Burning Steam Locomotives at the Helm. For Once in One of these Weird fucking Fringe Videos the Audio ACTUALLY fucking Matches the Visual as during the Train Footage the Audi is just a Recording of the Industrial Sounds of a Moving Train. The Trains Aren’t Passenger Trains as there No Passenger Cars or at Least We Didn’t fucking See any and We watched this Shit Over and Over So there’s That. These Trains Appear to be Freight Trains with Box/Stock Cars (The Train Cars that fucking Hobo’s Used to Hitch a Ride on)

The Final or Ending Part of the Video is a Simple fucking Visual of a Blue fucking Sky and fucking White Clouds that Sort of Blurry Together over Time. The Audio is the Old British Bastard but this Time around there is a Distinct fucking Echo wherever He’s Speaking. We instantly;y Associated the Echo with a Cathedral or Extremely Large Church as if this Guy is Delivering a fucking Sunday Sermon or some shit though God, Jesus, or Specific Religion is NOT MENTIONED OR REFERENCED. And for that We are more than fucking Grateful because NOTHING fucks Up a Potentially Bad Ass Video than Religious Preaching, Testifying, Promotion, Rhetoric, or Fanaticism. Best to Leave Religion Well Out of It because Honestly if there is a God We’re Sure He/She/It Could Care fucking Less about it.

FYI the Last Line of Dialogue is fucking Killer.

 

 

It is What it Is,

  Presented By Les Sober  

A Road Trip Tip So You Don’t Get Screwed Over

A While Back My Wife and I had to go on a Road Trip to of all fucking Places fucking Florida. My Wife’s Family Predominately Live in Florida so We head Down there about 4 times a Year to Visit Them. Now to be fucking Clear I actually do Like My In-Laws, BUT for the Record FUCK FLORIDA. I fucking Can’t Stand Florida which was a Glorified Swamp filled with Moronic and Insane Assholes running around like the fucking Wild West. Over the Last 5-6 Years Florida went From a Shitty Swamp to an ABSOLUTE AND UNADULTERATED FUCKING SHITHOLE Populated by Scum of the Lowest fucking Order. And No I don’t give a Flying Fuck about Disney or fucking Universal or The Kennedy Space Museum since I’m Not a fucking Little Kid so Don’t Bother Mentioning Any of Them.

We always Leave on a Friday so My Wife Doesn’t get fucked out of P.T.O Hours (Paid Time Off) and We Usually We Drop Our Dog’s off at A Friend’s House in the Late Morning, Drive Home, Pack the Truck, and Hit the Road. This Particular Trip though all fucking Hell was Breaking Loose at My Wife’s Job so We had to Switch Up Our regular Routine. We Dropped the Dogs Off first fucking thing in the Morning and Them We headed Home so My Wife could get to Work. She didn’t get back Home Until 6:30pm and then We packed the Car and Hit the Road by 7:15pm. We finally reached Our Destination in Fucked Up Florida at about 3 am to find a Cold Front had rolled in and it was Non Stop Raining.

My Wife went in to the Hotel where We had made a Reservation fucking WEEKS BEFORE We were coming to Check In and all that bullshit. I waited for Her to Return to the Truck accept it was taking an Unprecedented Amount of Time and was getting Quite Pissed Off. I continued to Wait without doing dick because When I get Pissed Off I turn into a Raging Asshole which tends to make shit worse. After what seemed like for-fucking-ever My Wife came Walking back it to the Truck with a Extremely Displeased Look plastered across Her Normally Calm Face. I instantly knew by Her look Something Seriously fucked up had Happened and Now We were going to be Scrambling at 3 am in the fucking Rain to find a Solution to this Surprise Problem. And I was Right on Point with My Assumption.

When She hopped Back into the Truck She informed Me that the fucking Hotel decided to SELL OUR ROOM in spite of the Fact We had Paid for it in fucking Full when We made the motherfucking Reservation. The Issue was since They Sold Our Room to Some Asshole the Hotel affectively had ended up Double Booking the goddamn room. The Result of this was We were fucked out of Our Reservation, its was Cold and Rainy, and at 3 am We had No Where to Stay. We pulled into a Parking Spot at the Hotel since We didn’t have a Clue what the fuck to do about the Bullshit Situation and Sat in Our Truck Brainstorming. As I mentioned I was already Pissed because I was Worn Out from the Road so I was on the Verge of Totally Losing My Shit at this Point.

I asked My Wife what the fuck the Person Working had to Say about all this fucking Bullshit that had Ended Up fucking Us Over. She replied that there was Only One Employee who looked like She graduated from fucking High School Yesterday and that this was Her first Day on the Job. The Bottomline was the Employee was Inexperienced and Utterly Incapable of Dealing with the Problem and in all Due Favor had Called the On Call Manager for Help. Between it being 3:30am and the Manager being a Total Prick Didn’t’t answer Their fucking Phone leaving the Employee ass out to Defend for Herself. Since I knew if I walked into the Hotel Pissed as a motherfucker I most likely would End Up Walking Out in fucking Handcuffs (because Someone would inevitably call the Cops) decided to Conduct all Conversations with said Employee via the Phone.

First thing First I called and Demanded the Employee call Her Manager and Blow Their Phone Up until They fucking Answered. Well That Didn’t Accomplish a damn thing. Next I asked Her what the fuck about the Fact We had Pre Paid for the fucking Room and since We got screwed over We wanted Our fucking Money back incase We Located another Hotel with a Vacancy. The Employee then tells Me that the Hotel will definitely Refund Our Money BUT it Couldn’t be Done Until Tomorrow because She didn’t have the Authority to do Refunds. For the Record I knew that this Employee was the Lowest Person on the Totem Pole and as such had No Real Power or Authority to do much of Anything other than Apologize.

Keeping this in Mind when I have to Deal with Customer Service I try Not to Abuse the Customer Service Rep. I know They can’t really do Much if fucking Anything to Help Me so I make Sure to Say shit like “Your Employer”, “Your Boss”, and Call the Company Out by Name. I fully fucking Understand Why People get Angry in these types of Situations and Tend to Vent Their Displaced Anger on/at the Customer Service Rep. That is Why I make sure to Call the Company Out by Name or Say Shit like “I know its not you…” or “Your Employer…” or  “The People Running the Company…” because again Yelling and Cursing at Someone with No Actual Authority is Futile because They lack Any and All Power to Do Jack Diddly Shit. The Best Part is Customer Service Reps get Screamed at and Insulted Daily by Pissed Off Jackasses so When They Encounter a Customer Who Doesn’t Automatically Unleash Their Fury Upon Them are Very Appreciative. Their Appreciation translates into Them going above and Beyond, doing shit They Normally wouldn’t, to Try and Really Help You Out (Mind You Though even with the Best Intentions They have Little to No Authority) as Best They can instead of Sticking to the Script so to speak.

The Next Half Hour the Employee desperately called Other Hotels in the Area trying to Find One We could go to with just One Problem. As I mentioned We drop Our Big Dogs off at a Friends, Yet Our the Little Dog Travels with Us. I told the Employee that the ONLY fucking Condition We had was whatever the fucking Place was it had to be fucking Pet Friendly which seems simple enough. While the Employee did Find Several Places every time She called Me Back it turned Out She had fucking Forgot that the Place had to be Pet Friendly. Since this was Her fuck up and Her’s alone I began to get Far More Aggressive and asked Her why it was so fucking hard to remember one fucking thing because Now She was wasting My fucking Time as We sat in Our fucking Truck in the fucking Parking Lot in the Rain like Assholes.

Luckily While I was attempting to Deal with the Situation with the Employee My Wife was Calling Hotels as Well looking for an Alternative for Us. And Low and fucking Behold My Wife found a Place Near By, Pet Friendly, and had a Vacancy. At that Point I told the Employee that My Wife had figured something out since the Employee was fucking up time and time again. I then suggested the Employee find another fucking Job and One hopefully She’d be better at. I also took a moment to Shit Talk the Useless Manager and while doing so Asked if Said Manager would be working Tomorrow which They were. I did in fact call the Manger Jerk Off the Next Day and Ripped Him a New Asshole, and meanwhile all this pathetic fuck could say was that He didn’t appreciate My use of Foul Language. I reminded Him I’m legitimately Pissed the hell off at getting fucked Over and Offered to come Down to the Hotel so We could Discuss the Matter of the Room and My Language in Person which He Declined.

The Moral to this Story is a Simple One: ALWAYS Cover Your Ass. I had experienced My Parents and Others Over the Years calling Hotels to Verify that They are Coming which I always thought was well Retarded. I thought so because if You make a fucking Reservation then that takes care of it because that’s what the fucking purpose a Reservation serves. Needless to Say I fully understand that Calling to Confirm Your Reservation is Retarded BUT unfortunately fucking Necessary Bullshit. Thus I will be calling to verify My Hotel Reservations from Now until the End of My fucking Life because I swear to fucking God I’m NOT going through that Shit EVER Again.

It is What it Is,

 By Les Sober

Living In A Small Town: Friday Night Down At Timeout Tavern

There’s a Saying that “There is No Pace to Hide in a Small Town.”, and the Saying couldn’t be Truer. It’s Not the Geographical Confines that make Hiding Hard it’s the Fact that the cliche is True Everyone Knows Everyone Else. Not only that but They know all About Their extended Family, Achievements, Down Falls, The Good, The Bad, and all the Bullshit In-between. You see Gossip is the Social Currency of the South that the Majority of the Population Banks On. I’m Not necessarily bitching Here because I knew this before Ever Moving to the Souther Country, and as such Deemed it as Something that comes with the Territory.

Last Year Timeout Tavern Opened providing the Town with it’s First Actual Bar and Local Drinking Hole. Not only did Timeout Tavern Open in a Small Town it did so During the Pandemic, and it Thrived mainly due to the Locals  being to Stupid for Their Own Good (I guess it falls Under doing Something Good (supporting Your Local Businesses) for the Wrong Reason (IT’S CALLED QUARANTINE). Anyway I digress. Luckily Timeout Tavern and Most of the Locals Survived the Brunt of 2020, and is Doing Better than Ever in all Honesty. I attribute the Tavern’s Success to One Main Factor and that being that Before Opening the Owner did Her Homework. She got a Lay of the Land if You Will Seeing what the Market was like and Moreover what People where Looking for. In a Small Town a Bar is more than just Booze it’s the fucking Entertainment Center for the Entire fucking Town.

            

You have to Remember Small Towns literally Shut the fuck Down at 6pm and there is No Night Life to Speak Of. Thus Timeout Tavern provides Booze Obviously as well as Food (Up until there Opening all We fucking had as a Stellar Chinese Takeout Restaurant as Our Sole Option), There Pool Tables since the Locals love Killing Time at the Pool Table, Special Events like Ladies Night, Karaoke Thursday Nights, and Live Bands every Saturday as Far as providing a Variety of Entertainment Options. It should also be Noted  that in a Part of the Country still Languishing in its Love of Tobacco the Owner researched the Local Laws Pertaining to Smoking, and Established a way for Patrons to Smoke inside.

Finally After My Wife and I were Fully Vaccinated and it had been the Full 2 weeks Post Second Injection had an Opportunity to Check Out the Timeout Tavern for Ourselves. It’s a Nice Bar nothing fucking Special, but its definitely not some Shitty Hole in the Wall. The Owner and Bartenders are about the Nicest fucking People I have ever had the Pleasant Surprise of Meeting. The Patrons are made of Locals from Town as well as the Neighboring Town being that its only 8 Miles Down the Road. Everyone is friendly as fuck and Buying Shots for One another is a Very Popular thing to Do. So Since My Wife’s Work Schedule has Relaxed a bit We have gotten into the Habit of Hitting Up Timeout Tavern on Friday Nights, and this Friday was No Exception.

 

The thing that Stands Out as Odd as far as Timeout Tavern is Concerned is in a Small Town full of Blue Collar Laborers (and Avid Church Goers) is the it gets Busier the Later it Gets, and Timeout Tavern is Open till 2 am or Later if Business is Booming so to Speak. I figured the Peak Hours would be from 5pm the Time most People Around Here Clock Out for the Day and perhaps 10:30-11:00 pm Tops. The Truth of the Matter is Timeout Tavern Business Starts Picking Up around 9:30 or so. It Picks up to the Point where there’re Three times as Many People there When We Leave then when We Arrived.

This Works well Because There need to be Enough People for Me to People Watch and be Entertained, but Once it Starts getting Crowded (like Saturdays with the Live Bands and All) I get fucking Irritated and Leave. I Don’t like People though I can Tolerate Them for Shorter Periods of Time. I hate being Packed in a Loud and Noisy Bar like fucking Cattle with No Personal Space to Speak Of. Also the More People that come is Directly related to the Volume of the Music in the Bar so More People the Louder the Music. I am a music Lover No Doubt but I can’t fucking Stand it being so Loud I can’t Hear what the fuck People are Saying to Not being able to Think Straight. To Me that’s Not Fun thats fucking Irritating to No End.

                 

When We Arrived there was a Handful of People there as Per Usual and We sat down across the Bar from a Big Old Country Boy and Who I believe was His Father (all I know is it was Some Silver Haired Weathered Looking Biker who He seemed Quite Comfortable with). Time went by uneventfully for the Most Part until a Moronic Immature Man-Child came in and got Too Drunk for His Own Good. Then the Sloppy Drunk Juvenile Jackass insulted the Poor Bartender when He ordered a Round of what is called “The Fat Hooker”. This Feeble Minded Fool is so Intoxicated He kept calling the Shot a “Fat Whore”, and then Announced to Everyone Near by that He had Never bought Anyone a Fat Whore, and that the Skinny Whore (the Bartender) was going to get it. The Bartender wasn’t taking shit from Anyone especially this  Binge Drinking Dipshit so She went on the War Path while the Rest of the Bar got Her Back.  Once the Dumbfuck put His Tail between His Legs and made a Quick Exist it turned out An Older Man there was the Drunken Dick’s Boss who Informed Us all that the Guy was a Bratty Son of a Bitch who has been Leeching Off His Dad like a White Trash Trust Fund Baby.

                      

Once the Drunken Idiot Issue was resolved everything went back to a Normal Bar and all was Well. Then at One Point I noticed the Big Old Country Boy Stood Up and Started to Walk Towards Me with Purpose. Due to His rather Large Size it Didn’t take Him long to End up Standing Directly Next to Me on the Right. Now here was what was Going on in My Mind at this Point:

  • Did I do Something to Offend/Insult this Guy and Now He wants to fucking Fight Me?
  • If He does want to Fight So Be It, but I’ll need an Equalizer due to the Drastic Size Differential so I’d most likely Hit Him with My Beer Bottle at the First Sign of Trouble.
  • Did I meet this Guy before at the Bar and was So Drunk I simply Forgot and Now I’m going to have to Try and Bullshit My way Through this Encounter?
  • Is This Guy just Simply trying to be Friendly and Introduce Himself?
  • Is This Guy a Cop?
  • Is This Guy going to Try and Sell Me Weed?

                  

Luckily for Me the Big Old Country Boy stated His Purpose/Intent without an awkward Delay. He asked Me if “My Mom was Still Out at The Plantation?” which at First Confused Me. I then Realized He meant My Mom’s Family Farm that was (even though My Mother hates to Admit it) an Actual Plantation. So I replied that Yes She was, and He goes on to tell Us that He’s a General Contractor Who Four Years Ago My Mom had Called to Repair a Botched Job with Her Upstairs Shower that Occurred During Installation. Not just that but He had come over to say Hello because He remembered My Wife and I from Our Wedding Photos Hanging in My Mom’s Farmhouse. Apparently My Mom had made a Lasting Impression that She is a Nice Lady, but You sure as Hell wouldn’t want to make an Enemy of Her. I definitely couldn’t Argue since He was Absolutely right My Mom can be Your Biggest Ally or Your Biggest Enemy. Simply My Mother is a fucking Force of Nature Not to be Contented with. I couldn’t Help finding it Funny that My Mom has some Serious Country Style Street Credit.

The Part of the Conversation that I found More than Entertaining (and Equally Interesting to Learn) was when He said “Your Mother called Me in for a Tiling Job for Her upstairs Shower that the Original Guy(s) fucked up, She Didn’t Say that Mind You, but You knew thats what She Meant.” You know You’re a fucking Bad ass when You Don’t even have to Drop an F-Bomb, Yet People Still Fully Understand What Your Saying and That You’re Not to be Trifled with. It reminds Me of Actor Kevin Spacey’s unique Brand of Controlled Rage where He Doesn’t Yell or Lash Out, but You know He’s Dead fucking Serious. At this point I decided to properly Introduce Myself and found out the Man’s Name is Wade. The Funny thing is Wade also informed us “I know where You live Too.” because He apparently liked the House We bought and was even Considering Possibly Buying it Himself. That and Wade Literally Lives on My Street which is Why He extended an Open Invitation to Stop on By when I see Him working in His Garage.

                   

My Wife told Wade the Story of How one of the First things We did Prior to Moving in Full Time was We replaced the Upstairs Toilet. Since We Don’t have Trash Pick Up of Any Kind We had to load the Crapper into the Car and Drop it Off at the Local Trash Dump. The Dump is actually a Parking lot filled with Various Dumpsters for Various Things (like Yard Waste, Old Tires, Metal etc.) and Two Trash Compacters that sit Side By Side. The Reason I mention this is to Distinguishing Our Dump from the Usual Trash Dump People think of thats Archers of Trash Piled High as Mountains. Once My Brother’s Wife’s Father came to Visit and Thought the Dump was the Typical Giant Putrid Mountain Range of Garbage, and got excited about Going Down to the Dump to Shoot Rats like He did as a Kid. The fucking Bizarre thing is When I was carrying the Toilet to the Appropriate Dumpster a Man who was a Complete Stranger approached Me and said “So You’re the Ones that Bought the House on Such and Such Street.” which Blew My Mind because again I never seen this fucking Guy before in My Life. That was My First Real Lesson in What living in a Small Town is Actually like in Reality.

       

After Our Chat Wade Returned to His Side of the Bar, and My Wife and I spent a few Minutes discussing How fucking Uniquely Strange Living in a Small Town is because Shit like this happens Frequently. I’m from Up North where You don’t even Look at Your Neighbor more or Less Conversate with Them. Where I grew Up You just ignored the Hell out of Your Neighbors under the guise that Neighbors are Typically More Trouble than They’re Worth. I then glanced at My Phone to check the Text Messages, and when I looked up I Saw Wade Pointing at My Wife in the Classic “You want a Shot I’m Buying.” Stance. My Wife Doesn’t start Drinking Until She is Ready In Spite of Being at a Bar so She Replied that She wasn’t Currently Drinking but Thank You just the Same. Wade then immediately Turned His Attention to Me and Boisterously Announced “I Know His Mom, I Know He Needs a Shot!” Which is the Country Version of Respectfully Busting Your Balls so I didn’t get all Bent About it in the Least. In Fact it was just the Opposite I said He was definitely correct and received My Free Shot.

                    

Later on the Bartender Stopped by and Dropped Off a Beer and told Me that it was from Wade. I thanked Wade Who responded by Saying Loudly “He’s a Good Guy and a Good Guy to know since He’ll be Running Everything Someday.” which is Pretty Accurate. What Wade was alluding to is He is a Contractor, My Mom’s Farm always has Work that Needs to be Done, and when the Time Comes I will be in Charge of it all. This is Almost Totally accurate accept Wade seems to be Unaware I have a Younger Brother Who will be Running the Farm Jointly with Me. The Irony is My Mother’s current and Long Time Contractor is getting Close to Retiring especially since His Life of Physical Labor is taking a Heavy Toll on His Health (His Back is Shot to Shit). So crossing Paths with Wade at this Time was Perfect since We will be needing a New Contractor in the Near Future once the Current one Calls it Quits at Last.

So as I have Adjusted (and still am Honestly) to Small Town Life I never thought I’d be the One to say it, But Small Town Life is Easy Living. I never in mY wildest fucking Dreams thought I’d ever Settle Down in a Small Town and Not Only Not Hate it, but Come to Embrace it as well. I suppose its Life’s way of Letting You Know that it’s in the Drivers Seat Regardless of What You may Think or have Planned.

Thanks For Reading,

   By Les Sober  

An FYB Quickie: Lies, Deception, and Doctors

This is simply a Question that has been Eating at Me for the last couple of Months, and I’m not honestly know exactly Why. So in Situations like this the Failsafe Remedy is to Express the Though to Exorcise the Damnable Thoughts from the Inside of My Insanity.

The the Question at Hand that Torments My Mind is this:

Why the hell would Someone LIE to their Doctor?!

Don’t get Me wrong I have, Do, and Will Lie thats just a fucking fact of Life, and being fucking Human Being unfortunately. I fully understand that there are times One Lie’s such as Dealing with Cops (fucking Nazi Pig Fuckers), To a Boss about Why You Need Off or Were Late, Your Family when You Don’t want to hear Their Opinion, and Other sticky situations.

        

I am also Aware of use of White Lies which are Lies that Benefit the Greater Good, and used to for such things as Protecting Another’s feelings.

Now with that all said WHY of All the Assholes and Reasons that People Lie would Someone Lie to Their Doctor?!

I mean I get it NO ONE wants to be Bitched At, Scolded, or Lectured about all the shit People are instructed to do, BUT DON’T such as Adhering to a Healthier Diet, Exercise More, and Follow Doctor’s Orders pertaining to Your Wealth and Well Being.

       

Thats sort of where My point lies in that Doctor’s cn be a huge fucking Pain in the Ass, They can be Condescending/Cold/Egotistical/Unrealistic and so On. And again No One likes being Called Out on Their Shit and I don’t Either for that matter. I also know Doctor’s and What They Say or Recommend can be down right Scary as fuck When it comes To Shit like to MAJOR Diagnostic Testing, Hospitalization, and Surgery.

I Myself have had 3 Surgeries, Several Hospitalizations, and Tons of Tests that could bear Horrific Result like Cancer or Aides or Some Other Life Altering Shit, and had 4-5 Surgical Procedures AKA Same Day Surgeries (the Ones that Don’t Require a Stay in s Hospital. It Sucked Each and Every fucking Time I assure You. They weren’t fucking fun thats For Sure, BUT I’m still Alive and Kicking so thats the Reality of it.

       

What’s true Purpose of Someone LYING to Their Doctor exactly thats what I Wonder. You may avoid getting Lectured or Reprimanded by Your Doctor, BUT thats so insignificantly Childish when it comes to Your Health which without You inevitably Die. A Doctor is a Highly Trained Medical Professional (Hopefully that is) who People Hire, and Pay a small fucking Fortune for Their Services to Heal Us when We are Injured and Cure Us when We are Sick. This all goes to serve one and only purpose which is STAYING ALIVE AS LONG AS POSSIBLE. Who would choose to be Sick or in Pain or to Die Prematurely?!

Well That’s EXACTLY what You do By Lying to Your Doctor. Lying to Your Doctor just makes His/Her Job Significantly Harder and that Job is keeping You ALIVE, HEALTHY, and PAIN FREE. And by Lying to Your Doctor Your CHOOSING to Jeopardize Your Own Health and Well Being which is about as COUNTER PRODUCTIVE as You can fucking get in this Particular Situation.

         

Not to mention You’re spending a Substantial Shit Ton of Money to Keep You Healthy and Alive so by Lying all Your doing is Pissing Your Money Away. If You want to Waste Money do it Gambling or Something Entertaining, well at least more than a Doctor/Doctor’s Office at Least?!

Bottomline: Ironically Lying to Your Doctor serves NO ACTUAL PURPOSE (Other than to Spare Your Feelings) it Wastes Everyone’s Time, Money and Effort which I can’t Stress enough is TO KEEP YOU ALIVE, HEALTHY, AND PAIN FREE.

Think of it in a Nutshell: When it comes to Your Doctor: You Lie and You Die.

Thank for Reading,

  Les Sober

Not All Swings Are For Children…

One of My Dearest Friends Mr. Matt (who died far too young) who wasn’t just a incredible Story Teller he also had some of the best Stories I’ve ever had the pleasure of hearing.

I found Myself the other evening indulging in a few too many Beers and reminiscing about My time with Mr. Matt when I realized I could help immortalize Mr. Matt’s insane Stories by Posting them.

I then realized that since its been much longer than I can comprehend since the World Lost Mr. Matt and that I’m only getting Older if I was going to help preserve Mr. Matt’s Wonderful Tales I better start soon as possible.

Thats the only malfunction of Memory is that while it helps us remember our friends and Family etc. its designed to Fade, and I can’t in good conscience let these Terrific Tales fall by the wayside to be forgotten.

Mr. Matt and I shared a common confusion when it came to kids and communication. Thats to say We both liked kids its just when it comes to talking to kids it was an exercise in awkwardness.

I think its because kids have several behavioral/emotional/intellectual stages pertaining to their age, and its hard for me to tell what phase the child is in thus how to exactly relate to it. Let me explain a bit here.

The Stages as I understand them are basically this. First the kid is a “Newborn” then it transitions into an Infant. From there Kids evolve into Toddlers, and then the kid hits some shit called “The Terrible 2s” (which means your kid is going to be a real asshole so heads up)

Then the kid hits double digits turning 10, and I have no fucking clue what so fucking ever what the fuck the “Tween Years” are or about.

Then Puberty hits the Kid like a freight fucking Train and all hell started breaking loose like a real Shit Storm. I fully believe NO ONE can actually communicate with a Teenager THEIR RAGING ASSHOLES.

So without Further A do Here is Mr. Matt’s “Not All Swings Are For Children”

It was a fine fucking day in the sweltering Great Southern Swamp and Mr. Matt and His Partner were lounging about lazily sipping cocktails as they milled idly about the house.

Now there was at the time a little girl around the age of 5 or so who lived a few houses down the street from Mr.Matt who had become utterly infatuated by Mr. Matt and His Partner. She had started a habit of leaving little tokens and presents (like little crafts, a drawing so on and so forth) on their Welcome matt outside the front door.

Well apparently the Father of said Little Girl has decided to walk over to Mr. Matt’s house with his young daughter in tow. He wanted to see if the Neighbors were ok with his kid leaving presents outside their door daily (like a fucking Cat leaving you a dead mouse to help really make your morning.)

Mr. Matt and His Partner answered the door and invited the two inside for a quick social bullshit chat. The adults were standing around in a loose triangle formation discussing the topic of the Child’s obsessive present giving.

Things were going fine as the mundane chitchat rambled on until Mr. Matt looked down and noticed the Daughter was missing having wondered off to explore the rest of his house. Mr. Matt panicked though he hid it well.

You see Mr. Matt and His Partner had a “Adults Only” room in their house shall we say, and Mr. Matt realized instantly that the normally secured door to the “Adults Only” room had been carelessly left open.

Mr. Matt raced around the house as fast as he could without raising suspicion that is, and as one would imagine he found the Child inevitably in the “Adults Only” Room looking around all wide eyed and innocent.

Mr. Matt quickly collected the Little Girl and returned with her to the Living Room were Mr. Matt continued to chat all the while wondering what the fuck the kid might say or do since her brief adventure behind the curtain as it were.

Right as the conversation is winding down and the Father and his Young Daughter get ready to leave the kid announced excitedly

“Hey Daddy, They have a SWING in Their HOUSE!!!”

The moment of silence that followed was beyond awkward as I’m sure everyone there was scrambling around in their skulls trying to think of what possibly could they say or do about this surprise situation.

At last the Father looked down at his Young Daughter and replied

“Well Lets get you home and Bleached Off.”

And that was the last time Mr. Matt or His Partner ever saw either the Father nor His Daughter ever again.

The Presents Continued until the Family finally moved out of the area 2 years later.

Thanks for Reading,

 Les Sober

Life Without Beer??? WHAT!!!

So recently I decided as an experiment to put down the beer for 2 weeks. I put down the hard liquor and all that other stuff and drugs, but couldn’t help myself to a few whipits, I mean the jackassed government only gives me $14 of food stamps a month and I can’t use this on smokes or beer so what better.

So I did this experiment, still felt like shit and got drunk. I went overboard but whatelse is new. Hard liquor, control, and my presence usually equal drama. For as little drama as I supply sober, I more then make up a few shots, no wait it really only takes one drink to get the drama train started.

Yeah blah blah blah. So I went back to beer. Drama really doesn’t happen with beer unless I’m drinking because I’m sad and well I’ve only done that drink beer sad thing twice in the past year. First time ended with a broken emergency supply kit in my vehicle (and a very angry friend’s grandmother who wants to crucify me) and the second time ended with a seven hour phone call. Maybe longer. Not sure, was worshipping the porcelin god in my bathroom.

So twice in a year isn’t so bad. It’s far worse with hard.

Long story short. I think I have a gluten allergy. Which means no beer!!!! I can get over the lack of chips and pretzels and processed crap and bread but no beer!!!!

All I know is I am A LOT happier the past week and certain ailments (most notably dry skin and random happy 31st birthday acne) have mystically cleared up.

Right now, I feel like Courtney Love probably felt when she was becoming an actress like, “Oh shit I need to put on a dress AND underwear??? And pose like a lady ??? And not get drunk that bad!!!!???? WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!”.

Well she only lasted well maybe a year or two before she was drunk and screaming at Madonna on MTV.

Anyway that’s how I feel. I am not ready to put on professional people clothes and wear ties and drink glasses on wine with equally stuffy people sipping on cosmos. NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!

I mean I’m more a box of wine type, but there’s no good place to put that in my car. It’s like when I used to travel with my hooka, it was great company for trips by oneself but I like red wine and I’m a bit of a mess.

So does anyone have ideas of either A) What I should drink? B) Where I should drink? OR C) The next establishment they would like to see me banned from. (and YES I have not been bannished from anywhere since “ASSGATE” in Philly. Almost 3 years ago!!!!!)

Brought to you by,

SpaceDog

 

The Final Fn Chapter of The Great Southern Swamp

Well here is the last pertinent update.

We had a Buyer come poking their nose around inquiring about purchasing our Old Home Office, but their offer was shall we say Crackhead Price. Instead of telling them what I thought (that they could fuck the hell off with their insultingly insulting offer) and did the practical thing and we countered their shit offer. They responded by babbling some bullshit and walked away from the deal like the fucking vultures their are.

A few weeks later we got a call from our real-estate agent informing us that the initial buyers were back with a new offer, but the sons of bitches put a Firm Offer (No Negotiating meaning no countering) with the answer due by 5 pm that day. I read the email which our Agent sent containing the new offer, the twats came up $2,000. We wrote our Agent and this time I did tell him what I thought in full. The so called Buyers tried to low ball the living shit out of us then walked only to come back again. I told the Agent this is a bullshit tactic (they walked and waited before coming back hoping extra stress, and growing feeling desperation might of clouded our judgement allowing them to virtually steal the property.) and the $2,000 increase is utterly pointless so please go tell the bitch ass Buyers No Counter. This time We walked away from the deal.

At last the bastard Buyers came back a third time upping their offer buy another $3,000 (thats $5,000 total at this point) but then with drew their offer on;y to replace it with an actually decent offer, not the greatest mind you but it wasn’t insulting. We calculated what our savings would be (the goddamn office in The Swamp turning into a Murphy’s Law cluster fuck one added expense after another after another and so on) plus our Home Office Insurance companies refund check for the rest of this year (we are cancelling our Insurance and have found a far better company to work with here in The Southern Country) and the check for some repairs they had mailed us and decided the math worked out to our satisfaction. We alerted our Realtor that we accepted the terms of and price of purchase. The Buyer scheduled an inspection the very next day which went well. Also the Buyers offer was All Cash eliminating the worst threat to a real-estate deal the fucking Bank(s). Not to mention it greatly decreases the ton of red tape, and endless fucking paperwork that comes with dealing with a bunch of Bankers. We close in 11 days and can’t wait for the sale to be over once and for fucking all. All left to do now is sort out the various purchasing paper work, we aren’t even going to the closing we opted to do it via email/internet.

I can’t tell you how absolutely elated I am to severe the last rancid tie to that God Awful Swamp and its batshit residents. I feel for the first time that things are back on track and our planned expansion is indeed now possible.

So come on back and Keep your Eyes Open.

Thanks for the Read as Always,

Les Sober

Dear Me Oh My Shut The Fuck Up Already!!! By Spacedog

Life is about many things to many different people. Family, friends, money, health, wealth…. the list is endless. Each means something different to us. Some mean nothing at all.

Then there is the other end of the spectrum. Our vices. The sex, drugs and rock&roll part of our brains. Everyone has one or ten or hundreds. I tend to gravitate towards the higher end of the spectrum. I’m not sure if I could list 100 vices off the top of my head but if I could I would easily be into more than half of them.

Not that I do them every day or really all that often at all. The worst things I probably do on a daily basis is smoking cigarettes. Everything else is merely on an as wanted schedule. Sometimes there is discipline involved. Other times it is just complete debauchery and out of control.

Age has mellowed me somewhat though. Instead of indulging way too frequently like in my 20s, I usually just get angry now at certain things on my television set and in the real world.

First of all, ANY AND ALL anti commercials really need to get the FUCK off my television. Tell me to quit smoking while I have a nicotine patch on and haven’t thought about a cigarette in 3 days and well I got the subconscious thought to go out and buy a pack. Tell me not to drink and drive and I then am thinking about whether I should get drunk tonight.

Fortunately one such thing I have grown out of is trying that one random drug or ten. Most of the unknown drugs I tried I heard about on the evening or nightly local news. I get that these news types think that no druggies are watching their programs because obviously how could they possibly be interested in anything other than drugs. All promoted under the guise of protect the children which leads me to the next point.

FUCK THE KIDS! Not like Michael Jackson fuck or like Ray Rice fuck the kids in the face. I always hear about stupid shit to protect the children. I can’t go buy a pack of ten cigarettes because of oh the children. The children. Yet I can buy an airline bottle of alcohol, a single bullet of ammo, a nickle bag of weed (yes they still exist), or a small amount of pretty much anything  else considered a vice.

Some states are incredibly ridiculous with the save the children crap. Hawaii just passed a law making the smoking age 21 and New Jersey just attempted to do the same. So you can serve and die in the military and potentially die at any moment yet you can’t go on the 30-50 year death sentence known as nicotine. They need to chill out. New Jersey is even worse. They want kids to drive around with a sticker on the back of the car if under 21 and not have them drive after certain hours. Now I know I said fuck the kids but while that would stop me from well fucking kids or buying someone underage alcohol, it only means one thing. The cops get to fuck the kids. I don’t want to fuck them like that hard, unless they are in college and sex with someone potentially that inexperienced is like A Tale of Two Cities. The best of times, the worst of times.

So I’m kinda drifting like a butterfly. I really should have wrote this earlier in the day when I was just raging mad. I got a call from a friend after I left an angry voicemail about Sprint sucking fat donkey balls. I can’t roll around and listen to Spotify with them and the several phone calls I do make a week well sadly unless I call people at midnight they drop like an 80 year old’s nutsack.

So I bitched and then she said don’t drink tonight. Not that it was any of her business what the fuck I am doing later on. I really had not even given getting drunk tonight even a glance. It all goes back to do not tell me what I should not do. If you want to give me something positive to do by all means just do not tell me what not to do.

It is the reason I also have total beef with any of those absolutely fucking retarded anonymous programs. I have been to many and will be going to many again soon as part of my undercover look into boring myself into a bottle of rum. Let’s sit around and rehash old stories and bitch and whine and moan and talk about Jesus.

I seriously had issues with alcohol in the past and would be chill with well just not drinking. It makes me fat and severely obsessive. No thank you. Yet through AA I can honestly say the only thing positive I ever got out of it was roughly 10 blow jobs. Other then my 12 pack of Miller Lite cure for the common cold I had not touched a drop for over a month. (Save your fucking medal and clapping.) I only thought about it twice before I got sick. Yet in an average AA meeting alcohol is brought up 20-40 times depending on the type of meeting. Whatever happened to out of sight, out of mind? I guess stupidity won this ballgame.

So I think my beef has run out for this evening. If I typed every vice related issue I want to address, I would never leave this seat. So what exactly gets on your last nerves? Or who would you like to tell to go fuck themselves?