Tag: maddog 20/20

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (36/365)

Note To Readers: I apologize for This Installment of LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER being a Day Late as Time got Away from Me. Again I Apologize for the Delay.

As soon as The Quarter came to Rest Dancing Dave bent over Painfully Slow, and Picked it Up. He then all of a Sudden Came Alive like Frankenstein’s Monster with 150,000 Volts of Electricity running through it. Dancing Dave flashed a Robotic Grin and Started to Dance right there on the Corner. This however wasn’t a Dance per Say as it Resembled An Irish Riverdance Style Jig as it were.

Dancing Dave kept Both arms rigidly Locked at His Sides while His Legs and Feet pranced about Like a Tap Dancer on a Cocaine Bender. It reminded Lee of the Crazy Kung Fu Films He watched as a Kid on Sunday Afternoons Growing Up. Dancing Dave’s Entire Routine lasted Only about a Minute before Dancing Dave Stopped and Returned to His Statuesque State.

    

Dizzy promptly Lobbed another Quarter at Dancing Dave You then preformed the Same sort of Short and Furious Foot Work.

“I could fucking do this All Day. Some People might say its a waste of Money or some similarly Lame shit, BUT I rather spend My Change here on the Corner with Dancing Dave then dumping My Spare Change into a fucking Coin Star like all the Other Lemmings.” said Dizzy rather Triumphantly as If He had just made the Final Argument that Won some Prestigious Debate.

       

They watched Dancing Dan until He was Done, and presided to Their Final Destination being Dizzy’s Apartment. It was several more Blocks until They arrived leaving Lee to contemplate How Different Peoples Definitions of Everyday Words Differed Greatly. If the Roles had been reversed Lee would have Invited Dizzy, and then informed Him it was a rather long Walk or pErhaps He’d used the Word Hike instead of Walk. Apparently Dizzy on the Other Hand thought this Lengthy Treck was Nothing more than an average Walk.

“Ah Here We are Home Shitty Home.” Announced Dizzy as the Pair stopped in Front of a Old 6 Story Brick Apartment Building. There was a Homeless Man who reeked of Stale Beer and Staler Urine fast asleep in the Doorway blocking the Actual Door. Dizzy unceremoniously kicked at the Bum several times to No Avail as the Bum Slumbered on Undeterred by the Kicking.

       

“Fuck All.” sighed Dizzy under His Breath looking around in Frustration. Dizzy tossed about a Bunch of Old Newspapers, Empty Beer Cans, Discarded Cigarette Butts, and other assorted Litter laying around the Still Sleeping Bum. Dizzy Located at Last what He was so Desperately Searching for with Great and Obvious Annoyance. It was a Half Empty Pint Bottle of Maddog 20/20 Grape Flavored Fortified Wine.

Dizzy using His bottom of His T-shirt to Unscrew the Bottle Cap and Then Lowered the Bottle until it was Directly under the Slumbering Bum’s Nostrils. The perviously comatose Bum began to Return to Reality emerging from the Depths of His Drunken Oblivion.

         

Tune In Next Week For The Next Pulse Racing Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (37/365)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

(*Note: Clay, Happy Anniversary of Your Birth Bud.)

The Latest News From Nowhere Special

This post is a Hats Off Tribute to Our favorite Small Independent BiWeekly Publication “The Dullard’s Digest” out of  La Plant South Dakota with a Sparse Population of just 105.

The “The Dullard’s Digest” covers all things La Plant such as local happenings, community news, local government, Schools/Churches/Obituaries/Weddings, and all various local Odds and Ends such as The Yearly County Fair and the like.

Specifically for this post We decided to Showcase the Unusually Unique Advertisements found within the “The Dullard’s Digest” which are truly in a League of Their Own.

(If you make a reference to the movie Kill Yourself for High Crimes and Misdemeanors of And OR Being FUCKING LAME.)

So Let Us Begin With………

 

Pickler Pete’s Pickled Emporium

“Your Source For All Your Pickled Needs!”

Breakfast Bonanza Special:

1  Gallon of Edger’s Edibles Pickled Eggs,

1 Gallon Of Bryan Brine’s Pickled Sausages

And 1 Gallon of Vinegar Vally’s Pickled Pork Hocks

for The LOW, LOW PRICE OF $59.99

Introducing Pickled Pete’s BRAND NEW Luscious ALL VEGAN Line of Pickled  FRUITS AND VEGETABLES:

” A FINE BRINE VEGAN” AVAILABLE NOW!! Guaranteed to be Green as fuck.

BOGO SALE! Quart Jar of Pickled Top Self Tofu for Just $9.99 HOW DEVINE!

Pickled Products make Kids Happy, Hearty, and Healthy! Puts MAD HAIR on Your Chest AND Genitals! Excellent Prevention for ANY and ALL of Ass Caners (Domestic OR Imported!) Stops Dolphin Rape, and aids The Coalition   of Children Around The World Without Cocaine.

Try Our Pickler Pete’s Lovely Line of Pickled Goods for SENIORS! 4.25 Pound Jar of Pickled Prunes just $19.99 This Weekend ONLY!!

Clearance! Get 10 for $10 Get 10 lb. of Pickled Beets for $10!

 

The BarFly Bar and Lounge

Here’s Our Weekly Drink Special Run Down For This Week!

Mad Dog Mondays- Glass of Mad Dog 20/20 Fortified Wine for $1.50

MD 20/20 Flavors:  Dragon Fruit, Purple Rain, Tangerine Dream, Banana Red, Peaches & Cream, Blue Raspberry, Buck Bunny, Cranberry, Electric Melon, Key Lime Pie, Kiwi Lemon, Lemon Ice, Orange Jubilee, Red Grape, Spiked Melon, Sour Apple, and Strawberry Kiwi.

Tequila Me Tuesday: $3 2 for 1 Shots of Pepe Lopez, Montezuma, & El Toro

Wet Your Whistle’s BEER BELLY BAR (All Beer Bar) with Specials On

Pitcher of Bud Light and Clamato $2.50

Bucket of Natty Ice or Natty Light for $6.00 (# of Cans 12)

24 oz Beers for a Buck: This week featuring Schlitz, Rolling Rock, & Olympia

40 0z Thursday Specials: Get a 40. oz of  Colt .45, Old English 800, King Cobra, or  St.Ides  for $1.99!

FUBAR Fridays: MOON”Motherfucking”SHINE will put a smile on your face!

$12 Standard Mason Jars of:  Proof Positive (609 Proof)

White Lightning White Whisky (619 Proof)

Ilikea Opossum Paul’s Moonshine Vodka (732 Proof)

RumRunner’s Moonshine Rum (882 Proof)

AND

Jimmy Crackcorn’s Corn Rye Moonshine. (976 Proof)

ALL DAY EVERCLEAR SPECIAL Evercleaf Cocktail $3.75

BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND……

SUPER SHOT Saturdays featuring Shot Specials!!!

.50 Cent Shots of Mr. Boston Blackberry Brandy, Canadian Club, Monarch Gin, and Old Grand-Dad

3 Finger for $3 Special on Oro Tequila, Gordon’s Gin or Southern Host

“God Save Me! “Sunday Hangover Breakfast is BACK AGAIN!

For all those idiots who drank their asses off the night before The Barfly offers a particular Breakfast known for its alleged Cure to the Hell of the Next Day’s Hangover, HAVE NO FEAR BARFLY SUNDAY BREAKFAST IS HERE!

This Week on the Menu- The Old Timer Special!

Consisted of:  12 oz Shank Steak, Spam Hash w/ Bacon, and 2 Slices of Pork Roll.

Served with a Side of Scrapple, a Pickler Pete’s 1,000 Year Old Pickled Egg

AND a 32 oz. PBR (Can) FOR ONLY $2.99!!!!

The Weisenheimer Theater and Movie Exchange:

Saturday Night Slaughterfest Featuring some of Your FAVORITE B-Horror Slasher Films!

This Weeks Triple Feature is:

“Shoot My Face Off I Like It” From the Demented Director of Denmark Emil Mikkel

“Disembowel Me as I Giggle” from Redound Japanese Horror Fanatic Akasuki Hiromasa

AND

“Copulating With Corpses” The U.S. Version of “Necrophilia Nights” from The Infamously Dark and Disturbed mind of Lithuania’s Master of Sheer Terror Von Dire

SHOW STARTS PROMPTLY AT THE STROKE OF MIDNIGHT EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT. COME IF YOUR DARE, BUT YOU MAY NOT LIVE TO TELL THE TALE!

FOREIGN FILM FRIDAYS featuring the finest Foreign Films from Liechtenstein, Guam, Antartica, Mongolia, South Africa, Fiji, and Turkey JUST FOR STARTERS!!

ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW AT MIDNIGHT EVER SUNDAY ALL YEAR!

AND REMEMBER Tuesday Night Troma is BACK AND BAD ASS!

 

All Troma Movies All Day Dawn to Dusk: Inquire about our Enema Express Pass Today and don’t miss a single moment of Troma’s Famous GORE! NUDITY! SEX JOKES! PUKE,PISS,and SHIT! All in the Name of Independent Cinema for OVER 42 YEARS and COUNTING! (Show Times: 1st Film Starts when the Theater Opens and Over after the Last one Plays before Closing!)

 Coming Next TUESDAY!!!

 COMING NEXT MONTH!

AND BE SURE NOT TO FORGET THE Weisenheimer’s WISEAU WEDNESDAY!

Every Wednesday This Year there will 6 showings (9am, 12 noon, 3pm, 6pm, 9pm and 12am) of the Notoriously Shitty Movie “The Room” by The Mysterious Tommy Wiseau.

“The Room” has been called by many The Worst Movie EVER MADE!

“The Room” had Movie Theaters posting “NO REFUNDS FOR THIS MOVIE” posters!

“The Room” One Critic’s Review Read “Watching This Movie is like Stabbing Yourself in the Brain REPEATEDLY!”

COME ONE, COME ALL Join us in the Rising Cult Following of Wiseau and “The Room”

Those were the ones we selected. Perhaps one day We will do this again, but Dunno.

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober 

Text Poetry That No One Should Read

WARNING DEAR READER:

Even though We here at f-yourblog.com have an open letter statement posted that has a section pertaining to content. The Following Post is the reason We have said section. THIS IS THE MOST OFFENSIVE and OBSCENE Post to date. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

In the past I have posted a couple of SpaceDog’s and my Late Night Text Conversations. I was recently on a road trip that had me headed into SpaceDog’s neck f the Woods. So I texted Him a short 4 line limerick that then gave birth to an entire poem written on spontaneously on the spot while stuck in a real bumper fucker of a traffic jam. A few minutes later SpaceDog hit me back with a Nasty bit of Poetry of His own also pertaining to the same person. See one of the things SpaceDog and I have in common are a bunch of people we both Hate and Despise to NO END WHATSOEVER. To handle this deep disgust We mock these people viciously in an arena where NOTHING IS OFF LIMITS EVER.

Here is My Poem I sent SpaceDog:

THE BAD ASS BALLAD OF BRITTANY:

People laugh and people scoff,

But Brittany cut her pussy off,

She’d have Wild Fetish fits,

While Strange Men shit on her Tits,

She used so much lube She bought Stock,

While sucking on an Old Man’s Cock,

She’d fuck you till you bounced off the Walls,

She’d Swallow, Eat Ass, and Gargle Balls,

When She heard of Bukaki,

She said “thats for ME!”,

She always had problems with her legging,

When some Dude’s Ass She was Furiously Pegging,

No Secret Brittany Licked some Slit,

Nibbled on Crackhead Clit,

She Shot Heroin that was Top Notch,

She injected into her stank Crotch,

Filled with Pervert’s Jizz,

She Loves The Biz,

Now She has Lost All Hope,

She’s Sucking Dick for Dope,

Made Her money on her Back,

Spent it all Smoking Crack,

Her Vag is riddled with STDs of Every Kind,

She’s Drinking Mad Dog 20/20 to unwind,

She’s Pregnant again and She Knows the Institution,

She’ll go back to The Free Clinic for her 100th Abortion,

She’s a 3 Hole Super Slut,

Mouth, Vag, and The Butt,

She sits on the corner smoking a PCP Laced Blunt,

While Passerby’s on the Street gag at the smell of Her Cunt,

It looked like a sloppy Hot Roast Beef between Her legs,

As Her Live In Gimp Grovels, Moans, and Begs,

She can Cream Pie like no other,

She once even fucked Her own Mother,

Started a Porno Web Cam,

Where She’d eat Her Sister’s Clam,

She’ll fuck every last one of the 42 of us,

As Long You don’t mind Her Pussy Puss,

Her Scab covered Genitalia,

Just the Smell Could Kill Ya,

She’d let you Tittie fuck Her for just a Dollar,

You could finish on her face and its No Bother,

She would go insane if you wanted to run a train,

Just as Her Baby was Aborted so was Her Feeble Brain,

Gang Bangs made Her Wet,

Bath Salt Abuse made Her Forget,

Molested by Her Step Brother,

Preformed Oral sex on her Mother,

A Homeless Alcoholic Hooker,

As a D-List Stripper No One would Book Her,

She loved taking Golden Showers,

She’d sell Her body at all hours,

She can really go to town taking on a Taint,

She does shit that makes Hardcore Porn Stars Faint,

She has to be to remain the Rim Job Queen,

She was a regular at The No Tell Motel,

In Her Own Ejaculation Soaked Hell,

She was a truly Bitter a real  Bitch,

Who’s pounded out pussy tended to Itch,

Her Vaginal fuck Flaps hung down by Her dirt covered Knees,

A Vile of Crack would pop out of Her Ass when She would sneeze,

Track Marks under Her Muff,

Taking 56 cocks a day can be rough,

She would Masturbate in a Fury,

Behind the Dumpster in the Ally,

She’s fuck you for Food,

She’ll fuck a Girl, a Sheep, and a Dude,

She was a Donkey Show Star,

At the Sleaziest Bar,

So absolutely fucked up and utterly Dumb,

No wonder The Stupid Slut is coated in Cum,

She  used to shoot Golf Balls out of Her Snatch,

And Golf Tee’s out Her Ass just to Match,

She’s Dirty, disease ridden Prostitute,

There is NO Dispute,,

She used to run through Police Barricades,

While Screaming “I have FULL BLOWN AIDS!”,

She constantly Battled the Clap,

Under a Bridge SHe’d take a Nap,

She was a Tramp among Tramps,

She’d take Cash, Drugs, or Food Stamps,

She just a low rent junkie,

a Drug Mule Flunky,

A rotten, scummy Hell of a Gutter Whore,

I hit the Road, I could stand Her NO MORE.

 

What? You were Warned So if your Offended in any way…..

For those Reader’s who are around I will be posting SpaceDog’s Reply Poem Tomorrow without Fail Friends.

Thanks For Reading,

Les Sober 

I Don’t Drink That: Beer Blues

I’m simply sick and tired of friends and family that know me best chronically forgetting what alcohol(s) I drink, they all should damn well know better by now. So I’m at the point where the only goddamn thing I can do (having exhausted all other options) is to actually put it in Black & White.

Wine: No, I don’t drink Wine. Now lets be clear I have drank a fair share of Wine before in my life and I enjoy the drunk, BUT Wine hates the hell out of me. The worst most hellacious hangovers I have ever had the misery of experiencing were all from drinking Wine. I drank only Red Wine, I detest the taste of White Wine, and I sure a hell never drank any god forsaken Pink Wine bullshit.

Shots: No Not Any More. I used to do shots of Vodka or Whiskey but gave them both up as shots seemed to excellerate bouts of drunken insanity or black outs.

Punches/Niche Drinks: Hell to the No. I don’t care about Ancient Alcohols, Medical Meads, Roman Receipts or BC Boozes. Save that shit for the fare fans of Renaissance Fairs.

Cocktails: No with the acceptation of a Captain & Coke once in a blue moon or perhaps a Mojito ever several blue moons. Especially now a days as cocktails are making a massive comeback, I have no need for artisan cocktails. In my opinion Bitters are Bullshit, Garnishes of pickled Jalapeño or Candied Bacon are drink drama, infusions (example wood smoke) are for Idiots and Muddling is for Morons. I don’t want to watch my Bartender  spend 15 minutes making a drink like he’s a member of Circus Du Soleil.

Malt Liqueurs and Fortified Wines: I don’t drink Mad Dog 20/20, Old English, King Cobra, Crazy Horse, Thunderbird, Ripple, Red Rose or Boone’s Farm because I’M NOT IN FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL. That combined with the fact I’m also not WHITE TRASH or HOMELESS.

Hard Ciders/Sodas/Lemonades: No Way, No How. The concepts are cool but they don’t translate from paper to reality. Hard Ciders taste like fermented/spoiled Apple Juice thats been sitting in your grandmothers garage for several years.

Moonshine: Never Again. If you drink Moonshine you won’t be back to your self for at least 48 hours.

Beer: YES, WE HAVE A WINNER. I primarily drink Domestic Beers but I do like a few Imports as well as Craft Beers.

I like a couple Micro Brews, but their accessibility is restricted to geographical location.

I Hate IPA’s and other similar beers like Black And Tans, Bitter Beer is Bitch Beer in my mind.

I primarily drink Lagers and Ales, I hate Wheat Beers because after you drink a couple you feel like you fucking drank a huge loaf of bread.

I also HATE shit like seasonal beers like Pumpkin brews I mean Pumpkin WTF is wrong with you?

So thats I Official Alcohol Intake Mission Statement,

Thanks For Reading,

Les Sober.