Tag: Magic Mushrooms

Buy The Ticket, Take The Ride

Welcome to FYB’s Monday post showcasing the animated short BUY THE TICKET, TAKE THE RIDE which is an Oblitus original. The characters, voices, and backgrounds were done by Jack Dimaze, and features the musical track “the third in the night” by Kevin Maceod. What drew my attention to this animated short was the title which is an infamous phrase coined by American author (and prolific boozer and drug user ) Hunter S. Thompson.

Oblitus is a very small Youtube channel that’s been going since 2016, yet it has only garnered 1,000 subscribers to date. Oblitus on Oblitus “This is an animation channel where you will find all sort of different characters and stories.”

Brief plot summery:

What happens when an alien life form takes magic space mushrooms and can it handle the trip? Watch and see.

So I’ll see you when I see,

 Justine Sane

Malice The Band That Almost Killed Us All Pt 8: The Languishing Life Of Being On The Road

May 16th:

The Members of Malice regained Consciousness on the Tour Bus with No Recollection whatsoever  of How They came to be on the Bus, But in Malice’s World it was a Common Occurrence. The Band’s Manager Harold Slickmann had simply had the Roadies Load the Band back onto the Bus just like with Their Instruments and Associated Gear. Somewhere   around the Second Pitcher of Bloody Mary’s the Bands Bassist Ook announced an Immediate Emergency Band Meeting along with the Band’s Guitarist Ick. At the Meeting Slickmann Spoke on Behalf of the Introverted Twins as He Felt it would make the Discussion Easier in the End.

Apparently Ick and Ook aka The Oaklund Brothers had always felt that in Fact they were Siamese Twins Trapped in to Separate Bodies. They had been feeling this way for some Time now, and wanted to Inform the Band that Based on Their Feelings the Brothers were Scheduled to have a Shady and Risky Elective Experimental Surgery. The Twins Flight to Puruvia which was the Only Country in the Entire World that Allowed the Controversial Procedure, and the Tour Bus was currently in Route to the Nearest International Airport.

           

Once there The Brothers would Fly 76 Hours Straight to Puruvia where Tomorrow (due the Insanity of International Time Zones) They would Undergo what was called a “Conjoinectomy”. A Conjoinectomy was a Fringe Science Surgery in which the Twins would be Attached Together so to Speak Transforming Them into Siamese Twins. The Brothers had Not Only Felt Severed from One another They also Believed They were Destined to be Siamese as well.

Since the Twins would thus be Conjoined The Brothers would Not be Returning to Join Malice, and Instead They would be going on Hiatus Indefinitely. Malice Dropped the Brothers off at the Roy “Boy” Baritone International Airport, Bid Them Farewell, and Hit The Road to Find The Oakerlund Brothers Replacements.

May 17th:

Malice pulled into Bangor Maine’s Arctic Circle Stadium so goddamn Early in the Morning the Band was still fucking Partying from the Night Before. After doing Endless Rails of 99.9% Pure Colombian Fish Scale Cocaine the Band was Amped to Audition Their New Guitarist and Bassist. The Band was a bit Dismayed to find out there were No Actual Auditions since this was a rather Last Minute Dilemma. So in Lou of Live Auditions Slickmann had Spent all Night Soliciting Previous Interested Parties as it were. The Band was so Tweaked on Cocaine They could barely Focus on the Task at Hand. Considering They didn’t feel the Need to Read through a Ton of Applicants Resumes decided instead to just Leave the Decision to Slickmann to Select Malice’s next Guitarist and Bassist for Them.

            

Slickmann didn’t mind this Idea as a matter of Fact He thought it utterly Delightful since there wouldn’t be any Bullshitting, Ego, Envy, Or Intoxicated Outbursts of Difference of Opinion to Deal with. Slickmann took the better part of an Hour peruse the Applications and Resumes alike and made His Selection of the Replacement Musicians. Slickmann reassembled the Band in the Stadiums Executive Suite to make the Announcement of the New Members. Slickmann told the Band that For Bassist He had chosen MC Satanic Semen who was a Prominent Member of Australia’s Underground Brutal Horrorcore Scene for the Last few Years with a Growing Cult Like Fan Base. MC Satanic Semen had played in Such Horrorcore Pioneering Bands such as Vicious Bollocks, Cunt Fart, Assgasm, Mangled Mangina, Asshat, Shitting Blood, Cumming Feces, and Fist Fucking Fuckers.

The Band thought bringing MC Satanic Semen was a inovative New Idea to keep the Band Evolving, and Rock Harder it turned out had collaborated with several Horrorcore/Brutal Horrorcore Musicians during His Career. Murphy also turned out to be a Fan of the Horrorcore Genre as well so Slickmann couldn’t have been Happier with the Results. Next Slickmann Unveiled His Guitarist Selection which was Dominick Disorder Who was a Prolific Grindcore Musician from Europe. Dominick had played in Bands such as Retarded Dildo, Shit Covered Cocks, Ice Pick Prostitute, Torture Maggot, Putrid Cunnilingus, NecroCunt, and Erotic Vomit. He had also done more Collaborations with other Grindcore Groups/Musicians with such names as Screaming Ejaculation, Fuck and You, Barbwire Cock Ring, Solo Shit, Bloody Bowel Syndrome, Shitting Soup, and Vaginal Vomit.

           

Again the Band thought this was a good Strategic Move since They had been reading a Variety of Articles on Them and They weren’t Happy with what They were Reading in the Least. The Consensus being Malice was Nothing more than a Dime a Dozen Party Band Who whole Musical Repertoire consisted of Songs about Drinking, Girls, Partying, and Sex. Malice had recently been compared to Several 1980’s Hair/Glam Bands like Montley Crew, Kiss, and Poison. Thus Malice was looking to Beef Up Their Reputation and Musical Street Cred and Hiring a Well Known Grindcore Guitarist along with a Prolific Horrorcore Bassist would definitely  make People Sit Up reconsider Their Opinion of the Band. Now with Their New Guitarist and Bassist in Tow Malice headed off to Sound Check.

May 18th:

That Nights Show was the Definition of Chaotic, but Luckily the Audience were Accepting of Dominick Disorder as the Band’s New Guitarist. Unfortunately the Sediment was Not the Same as Far as MC Satanic Semen was concerned. His primary issue was He was playing all the Malice Songs in  Horrorcore (which was an Interesting Idea) the Problem was He was the Only One in Malice doing so. The Conflicting sound didn’t sit well at all with the Increasingly Frustrated Audience. As the Set went on the Audience became increasing Combative as They started Yelling Insults, and Throwing all kinds of Shit onto the Stage (and at The Members of Malice Themselves).

              

Malice for Their part bobbed and weaved like Professional Boxers to Avoid being Hit while Still Playing at the Same Time. Finally after a Disastrous set Malice made Their way Directly from the Stage to Their Tour Bus as Fast as Fuck. The Fans were Confused and had grown Frustrated, and from the Frustration The Fans had grown Agitated to a Great Degree. As Security Stepped in to Help Evacuate the Premises before a Possible Riot Erupted. Needless to Say the Concert Promoters where Furious and Wanted Their Money Back. They claimed Malice had Failed in Their Performance Duties Resulting in Fans Demanding a Refund from the Promotor who wasn’t about to Lose Money on a Deal gone Sideways.

            

Luckily for Malice( since They were in the Process of Hiring a New Bassist and Guitarist) The Band’s Lawyer TR McCoy discovered a discrepancy in Malice’s Contract. The Discrepancy was the Band had never actually Signed the Contracts in Full, that is the New Members hadn’t signed the Contract in all the Chaos to get Ready for said Concert. Without all 5 Signatures the Contract was Rendered Null and Void. Malice Celebrated Their Dodging yet Another Bullet, and Partied Late into the Night Butt Chugging  Pol Roger Sir Winston Churchill Champagne which at the Time Retailed for $1,175 a Bottle.

May 19th:

Malice had the Day of on the Road since They had to Travel from Bangor Maine to the Village of Mound in Louisiana for the Next Show. The Main Topic on Everyones Mind was MC Satanic Semen’s impromptu Horrorcore Renditions of Malice Songs during a Live Show. The Band dressed Their Concerns with MC who for His Part of insanely Self Righteous and Far Beyond Defensive. His view was He was providing a New Innovation of Sorts, and it wasn’t His Fault that the Rest of the Band failed to Follow Suit. Malices argument was Obviously MC’s Stunt had Rattled Their Fans into Malice Almost Not Getting Pain for the Concert. Still the Fiasco would Undoubted Haunt Malice in Booking Future Shows as Promotors would Now consider Them a Higher Risk.

MC was Adamant that It wasn’t His fault but Malice’s for being so fucking Unoriginal They could see a Good Concept when it was Right in Front of Them. Malice’s Manager Harold Slickmann could see the Writing on the Wall from a Mile Away and MC had To Go Immediately. Slickmann then Talked to McCoy to see if there was any Legal Recourse the Band could take to End Their Affiliation with MC without creating a Shitshow. Again Malice managed to Dodge Yet Another Bullet since MC hadn’t signed the Contract using His Legal God Given Name (Which was Gilbert Melvin), and had opted to Sign the Band Contract which again Nullified the Contract letting Malice completely off the Hook. MC was informed of His Mistake when Signing the Contract and Thus He was Fired on the Spot.

MC was fucking Livid since He had just put His Musical Career (aka Other Musical Endeavors) to Play Solely with Malice, and Now He felt Cheated more or Less Out of His Money, Time, and Talent. So Enraged and Insulted by the Firing MC Started to Rant Uncontrollably airing Every Grievance He apparently ever Had most of Which had Absolutely Nothing to Due with Malice (Seriously He was Only in the Band just Short of 72 Hours Total). During His Rant MC strode over to a Toolbox that had been left by Accident on the Tour Bus by an Absent Minded Roadie/Jack of all Trades. MC removed a Large Drill from inside of the Toolbox and Calmly Plugged it In while Continuing His Ranting and Raving. Once the Drill had Power MC started incessantly Babbling about How if His Creativity was going to Be Stifled by Anyone it would BE Him and Him Alone. MC then Proceeded to Prove His point as it were by Lobotomizing Himself with the Drill. The Blood Splatter decorated the Bus so it looked more like a Slaughterhouse than a Tour Bus.

         

Malice decided the Best thing to due in this Scenarios was to Simply Drop the Freshly Lobotomized MC off at the Nearest Psychiatric Ward, and Then Hose out the Blood on the Bus. After They did as They had Planned Malice Hit the Road Again heading for Louisiana.

May 20th:

Malice’s Tour Bus rolled into the Village of Mound in Louisiana around 9am to find that Mound had No Hotel/Motels. In Fact there was a Whole Hell of a lot of Anything really. Malice quickly found out the Reason Why the Thing about Mound was the Population of Mound was Exactly 14 People (Who were all Relatives) Total. This didn’t Phase Malice as far as the Show was Concerned. They were met by Mound’s current Mayor Elisa Elder who escorted the Band to the rather Small Hand Built Stage Located behind the Old Hotel which had been Bought and Converted into a Private Residence. It just so Happened the Residents of the Old Hotel (Now referred to as The Hotel House) were Rabid Malice Super Fans and the Concert had been Their Idea. The Village had put it to a Vote and the Results were 11-2 in Favor of The Concert.

The Problem facing Malice/The Concert was Malice had just Dropped Their Last Bassist Off at a Psych Ward after He Lobotomized Himself to make a Point. As Lady Luck Smiled Upon the Band Once More a Young Man Named Eli Elder the Son of the Mayor was Big Malice Fan knowing each and Every Song Malice had Ever Done. Eli just so Happened to be a Bass Player without a Band so Malice had Eli sit in on Bass for that Evenings Show.

           

That Evening Malice took the Carpenter’s Special of a Stage and Played Their Entire 2 Hour Set followed by an Additional Hour of Encores. Malice ended up Staying in Mound overnight (which was Highly Unexpected considering Malice tended to be Higher Maintenance) as Guests in Various Residents Home until They Departed the Following Morning for Moscow Arkansas.

May 21st:

As Malice was on They’re way to Moscow Arkansas The Band’s Manager Harold Slickmann on the Phone Deperately trying to Aquire Yet another Bassist. Literally at the Last possible fucking Second Slickmann Contacted His Associate Walt Wheeler at AllStar Entertainment. As it Turned Out One of Wheeler’s Bands Dolphin Rape Cave He had Signed had just Broken Up unexpectedly  so He called up  DRC’s Bassist Oscar Illegal. Oscar as the case would be was Bored as Shit since His Band well Disbanded as it were, and He jumped at the Chance to Get back on the Road Touring. Malice passed the Phone around like a Bong each Member taking a minute or two to Chat with Oscar before Voting Unanimously to Bring Oscar on Board as the Band’s New New Bassist.

            

Slickmann scheduled a Private Plane to Pick Up Oscar and Fly Him to Louisiana ASAP. Once He reached the Airport Malice would swing on by and Pick Him Up in the Tour Bus before Heading to theat Night’s Gig. Slickmann’s Plan went off without a Hitch, and Malice was soon sitting Back Stage at the Alister Arena in Their Dressing Room preparing for Sound Check. After Sound Check Malice was Psyched by Ocscar’s Performance as He didn’t miss a single Note, and had one Hell of a Stage Pressence. To Avoid a predicament like the One in Bangor Maine Slickmann used every Minute at the Arena before the Show to Put up Promotional Posters promoting Oscar as the Band’s New Bassist Phenomenon. This was an Attempt to Build a Positive Response to Oscar Joining Malice, and to Distract from the Issue of Fans Nit Picking the Fact Oscar was Another New Bassist in the Mix.

            

The Ruse Worked and as Fans came Filing in for the Show They reacted very Positive pertaining to Oscar’s Arrival as the Newest Member of Malice. The Show was a Bonafide Success by Anyone’s Standards ending with a 16,000 Person Standing Ovation that Lasted 47 Minutes Straight. After the Guinness Worthy Standing Ovation Malice Treated the Audience to One Final Song Their first Ht Single “We’re Here Where’s The Beer!” which led to a Second Standing Ovation that Lasted just Over an Hour. Malice invited the Entire 16,000 Fans in Attendance to Join them for an After Concert Tail Gating Party in the Arena’s Vast Parking Lot. Malice Partied the rest of the Night Away with Their enthusiastic Fans Funneling Countless Beers and Snorting 2 Bottles of Adderall a Piece.

May 22nd:

For Legal Reason All Record of May 22nd’s “Activities” Fall Under a Non Discourse Agreement.

May 23rd:

Malice had the Day Off for some seriously Needed Serious R and R at The World Famous LuxurioUS Hotel Drummer Rock Harder being the Senior member of the Band Currently was Feeling Beat Up from all the Years of Partying Hard on the Road (As well a sin General to be Honest). He kept complaining about How He Felt like Mick Mars in Motley Crue. This was alluding to the Fact Mick Mars being significantly Older than the Other Members of the Crue. So Rock decided to spend the Day off Having a Facelift, and Made an Appointment for Later that Afternoon at The Prestigious Alexander Vanity Plastic Surgery Center.

Oscar Illegal still Amped from ingestion an Entire Bottle of Adderall 2 Nights ago decided that He would take Rest to a New Level by Sleeping for the Entire Rest of the Day (which was approximately 22 Hours at that Point), and to do So He’d have to counter act the Adderall First and Foremost. Oscar came to the Conclusion the Best course of Action would be Injecting Enough Heroin to Legitimately Kill a fucking Circus Elephant.

            

Guitarist Dominick “Dom” Disorder Lounged by the Pool downing Singapore Sling like He had Two Hollow Legs. It was One after the Other in a Continuous Line of Unending Cocktails from Sun Up to Sunset. Other than Tempting Fate with a Case of Alcohol Poisoning Dom spent the Leisurely Day trying to get Laid. Normally a Famous Musician would be Swarmed by Groupies, Yet Dominick was Also a rather recent Addition to Malice. For that Reason the Groupies Didn’t Associate Him with the Band.

Lead Singer Murphy “Thunderbolt” Gibbons had a Private Physician come to the Hotel for a Medical Procedure. Murphy had the Physician Scrape His Vocal Cords, Well Clean them might be a Better way of Putting it. Since Murphy Smoked 2 Packs of Black Lung Cigarettes, Drank Whiskey like a Fish, and had a Penchant for Partying with Hardcore Street Drugs His Vocal Cords were Encased in Ton of Toxic and Corrosive Crap. After the Scraping/Cleaning the Physician Shot Murphy’s Vocal Cords with a Heavy Dose of Anabolic Steroids, Human Growth Hormones, and Humming Bird Blood. Once the Procedure was Done Murphy Spent the rest of the Day Staring t the Static on the TV in His Room Doped Up on Painkillers and Still quite woozy from the Anesthesia.

              

May 24th:

As Malice Piled off of Their Tour Bus at the AmpaStar Amphitheater in Mississippi They ran into Their Opening Act Carnivore. The Two Bands Stopped for a While to Bullshit and Drink Beer Backstage. They Two Bands got along Famously which was Rare for Malice since They could be Extremely Standoffish, Judgmental, Stubborn, and Pig Headed. They Two Bands were having such a Great time just hanging the fuck Out Killing Beers They forgot They were there to put on a Show. The Members of Malice and Carnivore were Actually Slapped Back to Reality by Malice’s Manager Harold Slickmann Who Carried a Heavy Pimp Hand.

The Show was a Unmitigated Success that End with all the Members of Both Bands on Stage playing Various Covers requested by the Audience. Unfortunately the Crowd worked Themselves not a Frenzy and started setting off a Small Arsenal of Fireworks. This Pissed off the Promoter to No End as He worried about Property Damage and Fires ravaging His Precious Amphitheater. On Top of that The Police were None to Happy Either about the Situation to say the Least. All the Smoke, Flashing Lights, and Additional Noise made it damn Near Impossible for the Police to Actually Police the Crowd of Overly Exuberant Fans.

            

Alls well that Ends Well and Once the Show was Over No One had been Injured, The Amphitheater was still Standing (and in good shape all things considered), and No One was Arrested.

May 25th:

Malice was due to Play a Sold Out Show at the Mississippi Motorway, but where Forced to Cancel due to Circumstances Beyond Their Control. What Happened was while en route to the Motorway Malice had been Taking Massive Bong Rips of a Incredibly Potent Strain of Marijuana called “Zombiefier”. The Weed got its name because of its Insanely High THC Percentage (97.9%) Smoking it Resulted in the Smoker becoming So Stoned it felt as if They had become an Actual fucking Zombie.

It was Rock’s Turn and He Inhaled a Lung Exploding Cloud of Smoke which Upon Exhalation caused Him to Start Coughing like Crazy. The Problem was Rock was still Recovering from His Recent Facelift and all of the Gut Wrenching Coughs Aggravated His Stitches. It got so Bad that the Post Bong Hit Cough caused Rock’s Surgical Stitches to Pop unbeknownst to Rock and the Rest of the Band. Finally Rock’s Rib Cracking coughing resulted in Rock’s Face to Slip off onto the Floor of the Bus.

           

The Band’s Manager Harold Slickmann Instantly Jumped into Action and Took Hold of the Situation. He snatched Rock’s Now Disembodied Face up off the Bus Floor and Stuffed it Tightly Between a Couple of Beers in Malice’s Cooler. Thanks to the Weed Rock was far too High to Freak the fuck out over having No Face as it were, and Kept Him Calm keeping Rock from going into Shock. Slickmann Rifled through a Copy of the Yellow Pages until He located the Nearest Hospital and gave the Driver the Directions. The Driver put the Peddle to the Metal and within mere Minutes Malice’s Tour Bus was pulling up in front of the D. Rockefeller Hospital’s Emergency Room. Rock was hurried directly into Surgery and Thanks to Slickmann’s quick thinking Rock’s Face was able to be Reattached without Issue.

May 26th:

Since Rock’s Face would Need to Heal Malice decided to do Something Unorthodox and completely Unconventional. Malice came to the Conclusion that They should put the American Leg of Their Tour on Hold, and Travel to Australia which was the First Destination on the World Tour. Then once Rock had Healed Properly, and The World Tour was Over Malice would Return to the Untied States at Which Time They would Complete The Remainder of the Shows in America. This way Rock could Recoup while the Band managed to still Stay on Tour without Interuption or Issue.

            

Slickmann approved of the Idea and got the Band’s Lawyer TR McCoy to Start working on Amending the Contracts as well as contacting Promoters. Slickmann came up with the Idea that to Accommodate the Fans who would have to Now Wait for the Rescheduled Concert Dates by Giving Them Free Merchandise as way of a Consolation Prize for the Inconvenience. The Way Slickmann pulled this off put out a Press Release informing the Public of the New Abbreviated Tour Schedule, and that Every Fan who attended a Rescheduled Show would Receive a Free Malice T-Shirt and a Free Beer.

Then Slickmann called the Up In The Air Private Jet Company to Reserve a Private Plane for Malice’s Trip to Australia. Since the Sudden Schedule Change Malice’s Own Private Jet was still sitting at Aero Plane’s Private Jet Hanger in California which was the Original Location for Malice’s World Tour Departure. Slickmann Booked the Biggest Private Jet there was a 747-8i Boeing Business Jet.

           

May 27th:

Malice Loaded onto the 747-8i at 8pm with Great Gusto and Enthusiasm since They had Offered Carnivore to be Their Opening Act for the Remainder of the Tour. Of Course Carnivore was more than Happy to Sign on the Tour and Met up with Malice at Mississippi’s Greenville Airport. The Two Groups were more then Pleased to be back in Each Others Company, and Boarded the Plane and got Straight to Partying. There were Silver Platters Piled High with Obscene amounts of Cocaine, the was Alcohol Flowing Freely, and Carnivore had brought along a Quarter Pound of Fresh Magic Mushrooms (Shrooms). The Band Members Got High, Got Drunk, and Got Laid having brought an Entourage of Female Groupies along with Them.

Meanwhile Harold Slickmann and TR McCoy worked on Formulating the Best Strategy to turn the Current Chaos into a Money Making Machine.

           

May 28th:

Since the Flight From Greenville Mississippi took a Whopping 40 Hours and  Malice and Carnivore continued Partying Hard during the Entire Flight to Australia.

May 29th:

Malice arrived at Australia’s Brisbane Airport at roughly at Noon looking like Day Old Cadavers having Partied to the Point of Delirium. Slickmann had anticipated the Band’s Partying combined with a Hell of a Case of Jet Lag (having Flown half way around the World) and Hadn’t scheduled a Show for that Evening. Malice made a B Line to The Westin Brisbane Hotel where They would be Staying post Haste.

Once at the Hotel The Band’s crashed due to Drug/Alcohol Fueled Exhaustion. By 9 pm most of the Band Members had regained conciseness and started compiling a $57,683 Room Service Bill in Food, Drink, and Additional Services like Massages for Example. By Midnight the Band Members had Assembled on the Roof of the Hotel to Finish off the Shrooms Carnivore had Brought and Stare out Over The City of Brisbane until the Sun came up the Following Morning.

           

The Band met for Breakfast and to discuss Their Schedule with Their Manager Harold Slickmann Over Eggs Benedict and Bloody Mary’s. After Their Breakfast Pow Wow Malice was in the Best Spirits They had been in for a Very Long Time. It Seemed having Carnivore on the Tour had Revitalized Malice breathing New Life into the Band’s Lungs. The Two Bands spent Their Down Time before that Night’s Show getting 8 hour Non Stop Massages of all Kinds Deep Tissue, Shiatsu You Name it They got it Happy Ending and All.

At 6:30 Malice and Carnivore Hopped on Their Tour Bus and drove to that Nights Venue The Munted Civic Center and headed straight into Sound Check. The Audience was whipped into a Frenzy by the Time Carnivore had finished Their Set and Malice Took the Stage. They Opened with Their Classic Party Anthem “Party Till You Puke” ,and Finished with Their Epic Sing-a-Long to Their Hit Single “Keg Stand” to the Delight of the Australian Audience. Malice Spent the Next Several Hours Signing Autographs during a After Show Meet and Greet of Sorts. Malice fell in Love Instantly with Their Loyal and Supportive Australian Fans while Bonding Over Countless Cases of Foster’s.

           

May 30th:

The Bands left Brisbane heading for Logan City Australia for Their Next Show, but having Arrived Early had some time on Their Hands. Since Logan City was relatively close to the Coast The Bands decided to take a Day Trip to the Ocean Shores 90 Minutes Away. This would turn out to be a Major Mistake on Malice’s Part.

Once They had reached Ocean Shores The Band Members hightailed onto the Beach for a Little Fun in the Sun as the Saying Goes. After Eating an Exorbitant amount of Sushi (mainly Ahi Tuna) Carnivores Lead Guitarist Monty Mungman went for a Quick Dip in the Ocean. What Monty had been unaware of is Australia is Home to Great White Sharks, and who Immediately Locked on the Smell of Tuna that was emanating off off Monty’s Hands. Before Monty even knew what Happened a Great White came hurdling up from the Depths and Bite Down on Monty’s Mid section as it Burst from the Water like a Freight Train. Monty was especially thin due to His Outrageous Drug Use which allowed The Great White to Bite Him in Half. Monty’s Lower Body disappeared between the Shark’s Gaping Jaws and Monty’s Top Half Surging with Adrenaline attempted to Swim to Shore. Monty’s Torso didn’t make it more than 10 feet Before it To was Devoured by another Inquiring Great White.

            

Carnivores Drummer Tommy Snare dove into the Water in a Valiant Attempt to Rescue Monty only to have His Right Leg Ripped Off by yet Another Great White for His Trouble. The Life Guards and Paramedics Stormed down the Beach to the Water ready for fucking War. Snare somehow made it back to Shore minus His Leg and was Being Tended To By The Paramedics as the Lifeguards set about scavenging the Left Over Pieces of Monty’s that were Periodically Washing Ashore.

That Evening instead of putting on a Show that evening  the Bands held an Press Conference to Announce the Tragic and Untimely Death of Monty and the Subsequent Injury to Snare. Carnivore for They’re Part of the Tour as Tommy could still Drum with a Prosthetic Leg, and Monty could and would be Replaced as Carnivore insisted the Show Must Go On Regardless.

            

May 31st:

While Carnivore Auditioned a Replacement Lead Guitarist and Their Drummer Tommy was fitted for a Prosthetic Leg things weren’t faring to Well for Malice.

Yesterday during Their Day at the Beach Prior to the Great White Incident Malice Drummer Rock Harder had fallen Asleep in the Sun. Being a Rock Star Rock had forgone Sunscreen figuring Whats the Point anyways He’d be dead of an Overdose before Skin Cancer could Kill Him. Sadly for Rock His Current Reattaching of His Face hadn’t completely Healed, and the Brutal Australian Sun had Sun Burned the Holy Hell Out of Rock’s Face to the Point of Blistering.

           

Slickmann took Rock to the Nearest Plastic Surgeon for an Emergency Consult for His Sun Ravaged Face. The Prognosis was Grim Rock would have to be Flown to a Specialist in Switzerland to undergo a Entire Face Transplant due to the Extensive Sun Damage. Slickmann took Rock back to the Airport and had Him Flown to Switzerland on the Private Jet He had Rented for the Trip. Rock following in the Footsteps of Carnivore Swore to the Gods of Rock’n Roll that He’d return in No Time good as fucking New with His New Face.

Stay Tuned for the Next Insanity Ridden Installment of……

MALICE THE BAND THAT ALMOST KILLED US ALL!

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober (Pt109AmTFS)

Malice The Band That Almost Killed Us All Part 6

April 15th: Malice arrived at their suite at the Hard Rock Casino in Mackinaw Michigan (which back in the infamous 80’s was considered on the same creative social scale as NYC or LA.), and waited for their newly assigned opening act by their record label Razorback Records.

While they waited Malice free based a Kilo of 91% pure uncut Columbian Fish Scale while simultaneously  consuming 15 cases of beer, 19 bottles of Whisky, and an ounce and a half of PCP Laced Mushrooms, and ate 7 sheets of Acid (because waiting is boring so why not party your fucking face off they figured.) Plus the bands Lawyer TR McCoy and their Manager Harold Slickmann  had instructed the Band to DO NOTHING while they worked out the issues with the Band’s current Record Label Razorback Records.

As for Razorback they needed to put a tour deal together fast as fuck. Razorback Due to the  current disputes with Malice over creative control had lead abrupt cancellation of the remaining  Tour leaving them in the lurch like a motherfucker. They had to finish out as many of the original Tour dates as humanly possible to avoid backlash from pissed off Malice Fans.

Now due to all the drama Razorback was unhappy with Malice and that  played a part in their decision to hire The Assholes.The Assholes were at the opposite side of the spectrum from Malice.

Malice was a Glam Metal Band used to the luxurious life in LA being fawned over by press and fans alike for several months and had forgotten their entire lives previous to being famous. This I think most people can agree the massively exprbinte and copious amounts of Narcotics combined with Severe Alcoholism was/is to blame for the Band’s Unique Amnesia.

The Assholes on the other hand were a Trio from the Shitty Streets of the Shittiest Slums in Swansea Wales’s poverty stricken Industrial District. They grew up broke as fuck with Father’s that slaved away in the Various Factories or Sold Drugs. They had Mother’s that Worked 3 jobs cooking and cleaning (for the elite assholes living a life of splendor in the Huge Mansion’s in the Country) or Turning to Prostitution, Drink, and Drugs.

The only issue was The Assholes were currently on a Tour of their own with their fellow band The Squatters who hailed from Leeds and had similar backgrounds as the members of The Assholes. Not to mention the group’s singers met in the drunk tank one St. Paddy’s day after grossly over indulging in an obscene display of Alcohol throughout the day.

For this particular Tour The Assholes and The Squatters had combined both bands into one collective group they were calling The Asshole Squatters.

This lead Razorback to bend over backwards and take it in the preverbal metaphorical ass to put together. First Razorback had to hire The Asshole Squatters (not just the Assholes by themselves) because their management claimed it would be easier to promote the new 2 week Tour since two thirds of the audience already recognized the name.

Second Razorback would have to Pay the Appearance fee for The Assholes, The Squatters, and The Asshole Squatters as each group would be billing them separately. Razorback would also be financially responsible for their other expenses such as Travel, Room and Board. The Assholes also demanded that Razorback reimburse everyone involved in/with the last two weeks of the Asshole Squatters Tour that would be left ass out in lieu of The Assholes embarking on the new Malice Tour.

Razorback not having a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of had to agree to any and all conditions set forth by The Assholes or The Squatters. In the end the tiny new 2 week tour cost Razorback $12.3 Million in extra expenses.

April 16th: Malice had a pre tour meeting where they met The Asshole Squatters for the 1st time over Cocktails at the exclusive Club Pretentious. The meeting was a short one. The Members of The Asshole Squatters  spent most of their time chugging pints of Guinness, doing Irish Car Bombs, Rough Housing, Head Butting one another in some Bizarrely Violent Drinking Game (which they themselves had created just a couple of weeks ago while on a brilliant bender.)

Malice sat back drinking Bottomless Hurricanes (with Mescal on the side) watching their new opening act getting Raging Alcoholic Type Drunk, and snorting massive rails of Cocaine off a gaggle of clamoring wannabe Groupie’s Tits.

The 2 Bands barely spoke to each other and as for The Asshole Squatters they seemed to be mocking Malice throughout the entire ordeal. It was hard for Malice to determine if the Asshole Squatters were indeed mocking the shit out of them or was this the classic absurd comedic Wit the British were known for.

Troubled by the shitty meeting Malice’s manager Harold Slickmann sat down to discuss the matter with The Asshole Squatters Manager Sly Slapper over diner (at The Lux Barroom and Fine Eatery mind you). Slapper’s take on the situation was it was just a case of “Clashing Ego’s”and it would be no problem at all. He assured Slickmann that the Tour would be nothing less than copacetic once the Band’s Ego Issues calmed down.

This was a boldfaced lie and Slapper the slippery shit was well aware.

April 17th: To insure there wouldn’t be any further issues before the start of the tour the following day each Band’s Manager spiked ALL the Band Members mandatory morning Bloody Mary’s (which were made with 191 proof Grain Alcohol or as its more commonly known Moonshine) with a heavy dose of Horse Tranquilizers .The intensity of the Moonshine did a wonderfully brilliant job at disguising the foul taste of the ground up Horse Tranquilizers.

This effectively rendered both groups unconscious for 18 hours straight.

When the time came the Band’s Personal Medical Team would hit them with a Epinephrine  Shot via an Epi Pen, and BAM everyones awake, on their feet, and energetic like a Rocket Shot up their Ass.

April 18th: It was around 11 am when the Bands began to board their respective Tour Buses each suffering from a serious Horse Tranquilizer Hangover. It wasn’t until well past Noon that the Tour was finally on the road. The first show was in Saugatuck Michigan at the Tubular Theater.

Before the show even started the problems began. When Malice arrived at the Tubular Theater they were met the first problem head on. The members of The Squatters being arrested by Immigration Officers. Malice’s managed Harold Slickmann quickly jumped of the tour bus and made a mad scramble words The Squatters manager Sly Slapper.

According to Slapper the band was being detained and deported back to England to stand trial. The Squatters were charged with 117 counts of Vandalism, 91 counts of Destruction of Private Property,  88 counts of Destruction of Public Property, 351 counts of Public Drunkenness, 57 counts of Urinating in Public, 22 counts of Defecating  in Public, 117 counts of Breaking and Entering (The band had a issue with breaking into Liquor Stores after closing time in search of yet more Booze), 144 counts of Public Nudity, and 121 counts of Indecent Exposure (The band also had an issue with having sex with Fans/Groupies in Public).

To make a shitty situation even shittier the Fans(who had been waiting for 16 hours straight) out front for the doors to open were well aware of what was going on, and they were getting more riled by the minute as they watched one of the bands they came to see being arrested at the concert venue.

Malice who had extensive experience dealing with amped up and angry Fans from some disastrous concerts of their own. They immediately put a plan into action as the inevitable Riot was building rapidly. Malice gathered up their instruments and amps aboard their tour bus, called in a massive Beer Order with a local Beer Warehouse a few blocks from the show, and lastly they grabbed a duffle bag containing 5 kilos (11 pounds) of Pure uncut Bolivian Blow.

The scene outside had gotten savage as the Show Promoter had already called in the Cops. Malice Fans were pissed off at the Asshole Squatter Fans for fucking up the show, The Squatters Fans were enraged that the Band was being Arrested, The Assholes were angry about everything in general, and all the Fans were mad the Police had been called.

The high level of surging emotions had given way to pushing, shoving, insults, violent threats, minor vandalism, and the start of empty Beer bottles being thrown around in random response to the current state of affairs. The Police had called in back up and as Malice got ready to put their plan into action the SWAT Team rolled in.

Malice slowly opened the Emergency Hatch located on the roof of the Bus and crawled out onto the Bus’s Roof. They then had their Roadies hand up their instruments followed by their Amps. Malice also had their Roadies hand up several Confetti Cannons they had brought on tour. Once on top of the bus with their gear and supplies Malice started to assemble their standard stage set up transforming the Bus’s Roof into an impromptu stage.

As soon as the set up was complete Malice started playing Misfit Covers as loud as their equipment would allow. This sudden musical onslaught brought the chaos and conflict to a stand still as the stunned Fans and Police Officers alike looked on.

Malice capitalized on this by announcing that this was now a FREE Parking Lot Show and then fired off their Confetti Cannons that they had loaded up with the Cocaine. A giant white wave exploded over the Audience with a lingering cloud behind it as everyone there went fucking insane.

The Police were just happy to have the Riot haunted so they let Malice slide on the whole Huge Cocaine Cloud (and assorted shit like that) just as long as they got the fuck out of town immediately following the Parking Lot Show.

And thats exactly what they did.

April 19th: Malice was contacted first thing in the morning by their current Record Label Razorback Records. Razorback was absolutely irate about the previous night’s show which was also the first show of a ad-libbed Tour.

Malice had their Lawyer TR McCoy step in as mediator on their behalf. McCoy stated it was fucking insane that Razorback was even angry to begin with. McCoy went on to say that Malice had nothing to due with the Show going to shit. Malice wasn’t the ones being arrested, their Fans weren’t the ones pissed off by the arrest, and if it wasn’t for Malice’s quick thinking under extreme pressure in an emergency situation had in fact ENDED the Riot.

Razorback being complete and total  bitches switched the topic of the conversation to what they were going to do moving forward post riot. The tour they said would continue but because of last night fiasco being blasted across national television had been forced “due to circumstances beyond their control” cancel that nights show.

Razorback sited that the change was do due to “Unforeseen Expenses” complied with the exorbitant expenses used for putting the current Tour together in the first place was putting Razorback on the verge of filing Chapter 11 Bankruptcy. And because of the severity of the situation would require Razorback’s full and undecided attention putting the Tour on the back burner for a while.

You see the unforeseen expenses Razorback incurred were from a legal dispute between Razorback and The Squatters.

The Squatters claimed that since their arrest, and subsequent deportation was due to charges that were racked up from their previous Tour. And since the charges were not related to this Tour they deserved to be paid every single cent agreed upon by Razorback and The Squatters per their contract.

Razorback had to hire a full on legal defense team of Lawyers to handle the impending Lawsuit and their Counter Suite. According to their Lawyers Razorback considered their contract null and void as soon as The Squatters violated the terms, and thus were owed jack shit as far as they were concerned.

Malice’s Lawyer TR McCoy sighted a “Conflict of Interest” on Razorback’s part as far as Malice was concerned, and was planning to take them to court over it as soon as he got back to his office. Unbeknownst to Razorback at the time was that McCoy was already well at work putting a lawsuit against Razorback on Malice’s behalf. Malice was ultimately looking to terminate their contract with Razorback Records by any means needed.

April 20th: Malice curent Unnamed Tour with the Assholes was scheduled to play The Wicked Room in Grand Marais Minnesota. Once they Bands showed up there was an empty parking lot and a massive pile of what appeared to be charred bricks mixed with assorted rubble. There was a note from the Wicked Room’s Staff addressing the issue taped to a bottle of Croatian Rum that was standing atop the pile of aforementioned bricks and rubble.

The Note Read: To Whomever it may concern,

We the loyal staff of the Wicked Room have the misfortune to inform you that the Owner of the Club (Dolt Devonshire) ruptured a gas line in the basement, and blew the Club sky high while attempting to commit Insurance Fraud.  So Sorry We know this Sucks.

With the nights Fans only moments away from the defunct venue the Bands had to figure out what the fuck to do. Neither Band wanted to relive the previous nights shit show nor could they afford any more shitty press.

Then The Assholes Singer “Bloody” Sod Bollocks announced that since Malice had saved their asses last night that tonight they would be repaying the favor. In all actuality The Asshole could have give 2 shits about Malice they just thought it was a proper venue to showcase their Hardcore Thrash Punk music. That combined with the fact The Assholes were chomping at the bit to play to help vent some of their built up frustrations.

Malice decided to take their Fans in attendance that were pissed off by the fact Malice wasn’t playing to an all night drinking binge at a local Dive Bar and Shitty Strip Club Called  Beef Curtains.

Even though The Assholes acted like they didn’t give a flying fuck what Malice did they took Malice’s Stripper Boozelooza as slap in the face. They thought if Malice and their sniveling Fans didn’t care about the show well fuck them and fuck that.

April 21st: Malice spent the day at the Hotel Spa recuperating from their legendary hangovers, and The Assholes spent the day Drinking and Drugging like no tomorrow.

The 2 bands met up at that nights Venue The Radical in Bayfield Wisconsin. The tension was tenable as the Bands circled one another lingering like fucking Vultures waiting for their meal to finally die.

The Assholes went on first and played their first two albums (“Fuck You and The Finger” and “The Toss Pot Teachers”)  in their interiority.  The Band then went on to play 3 separate encores each consisting of 3-5 songs each. The Asshole’s finally played their closing song their current hit “Fuck Me Dead”. By then they had cut into Malice’s set by a good 45 minutes or so.

Malice was furious as they took the stage 45 minutes late. Malice used the show to mainly test out the audience’s reacting to some new songs they were coming up with for the New Album they planned to record as soon as they possibly could. Malice was sure to pepper the New Shit with some of their Big Hits to keep the Fans excited.

All in all the audience response was overwhelmingly positive as far as the new material was concerned. In fact Malice’s new Power Ballad “I’d Never Call You A Bitch Baby” garnered such a response from the Fan’s that they decided later that night that it would be the first single released.

Malice celebrated all night and into the following day until that nights show.

April 22nd: When Malice’s Tour bus rolled into The Spectrum in Elkader Iowa to find that The Assholes had already arrived and were in the middle of their soundcheck.

Malice walked into their dressing room to find it Trashed, Thrashed and Totally fucked. It smelled like a Truck Stop Bathroom mixed with a well used Locker Room. Every single piece of furniture (including the trash can) was busted and broken to pieces. The Catering table was upside down which was ok because it looked as if someone shit on the food platters anyway. Not to mention their toilet bowl was on fire reminiscent of a childhood campfire.

Malice’s blood boiled as they had fucking had it with The Assholes and their shittier than shitty bullshit. Luckily before all hell broke loose Malice’s manager Harold Slickmann arrived in the nick of time to prevent a brewing Shit Storm from becoming a Category 5 Shitnado. Slickmann swore up and down that if Malice played the show he would put and end to The Assholes dilemma.

Malice begrudgingly took the stage and the crowd went buck-fucking-wild sending Malice’s spirits soaring. The show was going exceptionally well until “Bloody” Sod Bollocks came staggering drunk as 10 Sailors (on well deserved Shore Leave) combined. Bollocks slowly made his way to the side of the stage just as Malice launched into (what they believed on audience response) was their new upcoming single “I’d Never Call You A Bitch Baby”

Once Malice got to the chorus of “…I’d never call you a bitch Baby” Bollocks armed with a Military Grade Bullhorn would yell at the top of his intoxicated lungs “Because I call you a cunt!”

Malice’s more than temperamental frontman Izzy Sane let Bollocks get away with his rude interjection twice but not a third time. Sane dropped his microphone, picked up the stand, swung it up over his head with both hands, and bolted to wards Bollocks like a Meth addicted Rodeo Bull. Once Sane reached Bollocks Sane brought the Heavy Metal Base of the microphone stand down on Bollock’s head like a Sledge Hammer.

The base of the Microphone stand came crashing down and slammed into Bollock’s head right above his left eye shattering his orbital socket, severely fracturing his cheek bone, and sending his eye shooting out into the audience. Blood started to pour out of Bollock’s freshly busted open head like a deep red river. Bollocks swayed for a minute before crumpling like a piece of paper to the ground.

Bollocks was unconscious, unresponsive, and there was blood now spurting out of the large gash in his head like a mini 18 inch fountain. One of the Stage crew sprinted to the phone and called 911. By the time the EMTs had arrived Bollocks was in the throws of full blown shock. The EMTs opted due to the severity of the injury and the patient’s quickly declining condition to to fly Bollocks to the nearest head trauma unit a Trama Hawk.

On the up side Malice’s Fans were so supportive they cheered Sane as they Fans were aware of the tenuous rivalry between the two touring Bands. Unfortunately for Sane the police were not so easy going and arrested Sane for Assault, Assault with a Deadly Weapon, and Attempted Murder.

The night ended with Malice on their way back to their hotel, and their manager on his way back to the Band’s Lawyer’s Office double time.

April 23rd: Finally the Tour to end all Tours had ended as doomed from the start. The Assholes had flown back home to England as soon as Bollocks was stable enough to travel.

Malice wanted to circle the wagons so they bought a 56 room Mansion located on 66 acres (for an estimated $151 Million) in the Hollywood Hills the day they got back in town. The Band figured it actually made the most sense since until then non of the Band members past or presently..

Malice members lived in hotels or on the Tour bus while on Tour or Traveling. In their down time Davie Scum was on the worlds longest Couch Surfing Run in known History, and Izzy Sane lived with his Girlfriend (and Malice Bassist) Maxi Padd in her tiny one room Studio Apartment. Rock Harder lived in a Shitty Hellhole of a Motel down by the by the Airport called The Wayfarers located between The Drunkard Tavern and Sparkles Strip Club.

It didn’t take long for Malice to move in as the members owned next to nothing outside of their cars. Meanwhile Harold Slickmann had sold his house prior to the last Tour and went and bought a $4.5 Million Luxury Executive RV. Slickmann parked his newly acquired RV in Malice’s extensive Drive Way where he planned to live indefinitely.

The Band’s Lawyer TR McCoy opted to sell his Penthouse so he could move into Malice’s new 10,000 square foot Guest House. McCoy felt with the forth coming barrage of legal issues that were about to defend upon the Band like The Anti-Christ surfing on an Avalanche.

The Band settled on the name “The House of Malice” as the official name of their Mansion Estate and set to work coming up with customized additions to the Mansion (example: Replacing the Water in the 100s of Fountains with Armand de Brigand Brut Gold (Ace of Spades) which cost $6,500 per 6 Liter Bottle.)

April 24th: Malice received an intensely aggressive call from their Record Label Razorback Records demanding a meeting immediately in their head office in the Van Nuys neighborhood. Malice piled into the Band’s 67 foot long custom Limo along with Slickmann and McCoy in tow.

When they arrived Malice was marched directly into Brock Rock’s office. Brock Rock who was the Owner and CEO of Razorback at the time. No sooner had Malice sat down Rock came charging in infuriated beyond belief with Razorbacks Legal Team right behind him.

Razorback started the meeting guns blazing. They were basically trying to blame all their costly fuck ups on Malice so they could sue them for reimbursement.

McCoy wasn’t having any of Razorback’s spastic bullshit fireworks. McCoy told Razorback that by neglecting their client Malice’s best interests by effectively booking substandard Opening Act(s) violated the terms and conditions of Malice’s Contract.

That combined with they fact that the failed second leg of the Mini Tour had totally tapped Razorback’s Bank Accounts so they wouldn’t be able to financially survive a long ass court battle before going completely bankrupt.

Razorback ended up releasing Malice from their contract as long as all disputes between both parties were henceforth Null and Void.

Malice was now a free Agent as it were.

McCoy had a glass of 70 year old Scotch.

Slickmann immediately started fielding offers from Competing Record Labels starting a furious Bidding War.

As for Razorback they did in fact end up going bankrupt, and Brock Rock was arrested for Embezzlement, Fraud, Insider Trading, Tax Evasion, and Aggravated Acts of Beastiality.

April 25th: Malice spent the day whole up in their Mansion reviewing various and plentiful possible future contracts from damn near every record label executive there was.

McCoy and Slickmann riddled down the Contracts to a Fianl Top 3 before involving the Band.

The 3 Top Contenders were Guillotine Records a relatively new up and coming Record Label that was racking up Big Name and Unknown Acts left and right.

Another was from Spittle Sound Studios owned by D-Rockafeller Recordings Inc. who was looking to expand their catalog and appeal by breaking into new musical markets. They were basically a Major Brand Record Label in Indi Clothing so to speak.

The Final Contract was from an International Record Label called The Nation of Noise Records (who’s HQ was located in International Waters on a retired Cruise Ship). They had been around for years, but never signed any act anyone would give two shits about like the Country Disco Jug Band Legend Howie “Pork Knuckle ” Pounder.

After serious deliberation along with a crate of Whisky, 26 Cartons of Cigarettes, a Pound of High Grad Marijuana, and 8 sheets of High Test Acid on  Guillotine Records signing a 5 Album Exclusive Deal.

Malice celebrated the Deal by Buying Ferraris and the hosting a Demolition Derby Party that went late into the night, and the Police only showed up 41 times for Noise Complaints and all that horseshit.

A good night was had by all.

April 26th: With a slew of new songs and material Malice and in great spirits ,and (after finally ending their troubled relationship with Razorback Records) having just signed a sweet ass deal with Guillotine Records headed into the Studio to get working on their new album.

Tragedy struck the Band once again while wailing on a wild Guitar Solo for the song “Sweet Heart, Wicked Soul” Davie Scum played so fast that his guitar caught on fire quickly consuming Scum in the blaze. Considering how flammable the cheap Spandex adorned with Chinese Dragons, and the entire bottle of Aqua Net Scum used to style his hair it was no real wonder why he combusted so quickly.

Luckily for Malice they were finished recording their new new album titled “Finding Heaven In Hell” so all that was left to be done was Editing the Recorded songs.

Malice had to pay the $17,890 cleaning bill for the Studio to clean off all the smoke stains and little BBQed pieces of flesh from the walls, floors and ceiling (Not to mention they had to Neutralize the Oder of a still smoldering  Human Body)

When Slickmann heard the news he grabbed the extremely large 3 ring binder filled with Musicians Resumes he had created due to the fact Malice Members had a bad habit of dying, and granted a couple left to purse other pursuits.

By the end of the day Malice had completed their new 19 song album, edited it, lost their Guitarist to a freak guitar playing accident, and interview the top replacement Guitarists.

That night around 4 in the morning suffering from a drug fueled insomnia Malice selected their new Guitarist Stevie “The Shill” Stevenson who had played with such acts as Murder in Minutes, Killing Trolls, The Lot Lizards, and the Legendary Black Metal Band Nordic Slaughter.

April 27th: While waiting for their new guitarist Stevie “The Shill” Stevenson’s to arrive at the studio (he was flying in from his Private Island Shill Key in the Florida Keys that afternoon) Malice realized that they in fact not only recorded their new album in one day, BUT they had 87 other songs on tap.

With this revelation Malice felt they had only one choice, and that was to release a DOUBLE ALBUM. Malice then spent the morning listening to all 87 songs before selecting 22 songs that would make up the second Album titled “The Hardships of Hell”.

By the time Stevenson made his appearance at the studio Malice realized while now that the Double Album they had recorded 41 brand new tracks they still had 46 additional songs.

So Malice thought about it awhile before coming up with the idea of releasing a rare TRIPLE ALBUM, and set out selecting which of the leftover 46 songs they would use. They came together and agreed on this Albums title would be “From Heaven To Hell and Back Again” consisting of 17 songs and 4 singles. The singles the Band decided upon were “Into The Night We Go”, “After Party Freak Show”, “Dive Bar Babes”, and “Lets Get Laid”

When Stevenson arrived he pointed out that Malice still had 29 songs left at their disposal, and suggested Malice release the World’s 1st QUADRUPLE ALBUM. And of course Malice lost their fucking minds over the idea. In return for such an awesome idea Malice rerecorded the last set of 29 songs with Stevenson so he’d be credited for playing on the Album.

Malice even let Stevenson pick the name of the 4th Album and he dubbed it “Entering Heaven/Exiting Hell” sticking with the ongoing theme of Paradise and the Pit.

Malice partied into the early hours of the morning doing Actual Tequila Shots (that is they drew up Tequila in 6cc syringes and injected it directly into their veins.)

April 28th: Malice’s Quadruple Album was an instant success as rabid Fans bought out Record Store after Record Store across the country. The Media Buzz was deafening as Malice’s Phones where rigging off the hook like a real motherfucker. Reporters of kinds camped out in front of Malice’s Mansion Estate gates leading Hardcore Fans to follow suit creating a sizable tent city situation.

Malice spent the entire day lounging around Mtv hanging out, day drinking and acting as impromptu Guest VJs (not to mention banging groupies during commercial breaks or when a video was airing)

By the end of the Business Day Malice’s World Wide Album Sales totaled an estimated $976 Million. The one day success gave way to the rumor that The Chairman of Forbes reportedly shit his pants when he saw the numbers the following morning.

April 29th: Tickets for Malice’s upcoming Tour to promote their Quadruple Album went on Sale at Noon Sharp and 6 seconds later every single American Date of the Malice was completely Sold Out. Which totally blew the tits off of Guinness Book of World Records.

Now Malice was at task scheduling Shows for the subsequent following World Wide Tour. For inspiration the Band went to their Restaurant Take Out Menu drawer. After a few minutes skimming over the large collection of Take Out Menus Malice had set up dates in Thailand, China, India, Mexico,Italy, and Japan.

Malice used the rest of their spare time to practice relentlessly with their new guitarist Stevie “The Shill” Stevenson, and over indulging in Hedonistic pursuits.

April 30th: Malice went to down customizing their recently acquired Mansion and Estate. First they had a 4 operate Helicopter Landing Pads one for each of them. Next they turned 2 of their 66 archers into a Mobile Home park loaded with Triple Wides for their Friends, Roadies, Mansion Staff, or as a crash pad for party guests who were to shitfaced to drive.

Izzy was a devoted movie fan so he used 12 archers to build his own Independent Movie Studio he called Ponder This Pictures and Perverse Productions. The Studio was intended to be a stage for struggling independent film makers to help them achieve their dreams. In the end though it sat virtually unused accept for the filming of some extremely high end Homemade Sex Tapes/Full Blown Porno Flix.

Stevie took 5 archers and build a pond so that he could stock it with some of his favorite fish like Alligator Gar, Giant Snakeheads, Electric Eels, Wells Catfish, and Giant Carp just for starters.

Rock used 7 archers to build his own Amusement and Water Park complete with the motto which was  “Neverland is for PopStars”.

Maxi used 1 achar to build a massive Temperature Controlled Greenhouse with a high tech Sprinkler System. She billed as an attempt at Sod Farming. She also took another 4 to built a Small Farm where she had several Cows. At night Maxi would let the Cows graze in the Greenhouse where inevitable Cows being Cow’s would crap all over the fucking place. She claimed it was a trade off of Free Cow Feed and Free Fresh Organic Manure. In reality the set up was designed to be the perfect growing grounds for Magic Mushrooms (or Shrooms for shirt).

  

Other custom additions included seeing up a professional fire work rig on the roof, indoor and out door shooting ranges, ATV Trails, Skate Park, Pirate Ham Radio Station, NASA Flight Simulator, Hi Li Court, installing water fountains rigged with Goldschlager (with its original Alcohol Content of 53.5% or 107 Proof), A Reptile House, 30 Run Dog Kennel, Racing Track, Driving Range (because hitting the shit out of the ball is the only fucking fun part of Golf so fuck the bullshit), Wave Pool, Bocce Ball Court, and 24k Toilets/Urinals encrusted in Gem Stones (“Crapping like a King” as their manager Harold Slickmann would say.

  

April 31st: Malice dedicated the day to preparing for the “Salvation and Damnation Tour” by rehydrating with IV Fluids, Laid off the Narcotics in favor of just Smoking Weed, Only Drank Light Beer, Getting 8 hour massages with 45 minute “Happy Endings”, Meditating, forgoing Sex for Blow Jobs, and Blood Doping.

MALICE: THE BAND THAT ALMOST KILLED US ALL PART 7 COMING SOON

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober 

Chaos & The 2 Year Career: Malice The Band That Almost Killed Us All Part 2

NOTE: Alright Reader from now on I will be using a Time Line to keep this post entertaining and no longer than it needs to be.

Feb. 5th, 1988  “Mad as Hell” Tour ends, and Gar Fisch announces he is leaving the band due to the physical toll that the Stank Breath Years had taken on his body and health. For Example due to Gar’s firecracker anal oriented antics had left Gar with a permanently prolapsed asshole.

Feb. 7th, 1988 Von Dire calls an emergency band meeting, and after several rounds of Tequila Shots and Nitrous Whip Its decided to hire a manager. They settled on Marty Trundle who immediately terminated their contract with RatFuck Records and got them signed to WhoreMonger Records a major International label.

Feb. 9th, 1988 WhoreMonger books Malice on a 6 month Festival Tour across North America and Europe. Malice celebrates with a 72 hour drug binge ending in the band being arrested for Public Intoxication, Public Nudity, and Defecting in Public.

Feb. 13th, 1988 Trundle introduced Dire, Vile, and Rage to Ex-Sleaze guitarist Eddie Sleaze as a possible replacement for Gar Fisch. The band and Sleaze bond over countless beers and lines of Cocaine. Somewhere along the way Sleaze was officially hired as Malice’s replacement guitarist.

Feb. 15th, 1988 Malice hit the road for the start of the “WhoreMonger’s Whores” Tour with their first show in Peoria Illinois at The Mental Metal Festival. The show ended early because the Fire Marshall showed up and informed the Festival Promoter the amount of Pyrotechnics Malice planned to use were considered “A Hazardous Explosive Threat”. The Promotoer facing a massive fine as well as having his entire Festival shut down radioed the Stage Manager and told him to halt any future Pyrotechnics Malice was planning to use. When the Pyrotechnics didn’t go off during the drum solo Von Dire was infuriated beyond belief.

The rest of the band seeing something serious was going down stopped playing mid song. The confused Crowd was left standing in a muddy field wondering why the show they paid for suddenly stopped during the Headliner’s set. Von Dire grabbed the Promoter by the front of his shirt and dragged him on stage to confront him. Vile, Rage, and Sleazy abandoned their instruments as they walked over to see what the fuck the deal was. A now enraged Von Dire is screaming at the top of his lungs about how no bullshit is going to fuck up his show, Malice wanted to be financially compensated for the pyrotechnics not being used, and that the Promoter he was a sniveling, slippery little shit.

Sleaze decided he felt the same as Von Dire about the situation, and did nothing but piss gas on the fire by agitating Von Dire further and further. Rage left the stage pissed off, and not wanting to deal with this shit show so he was going to get shitfaced. Vile managed to get between Von Dire and the Promoter and was struggling to keep the two men apart as now the Promoter was angry as hell about being physically and verbally assaulted by Von Dire. With things utterly out of control Vile punched Von Dire in the balls and handed him off to a Roadie. Before Vile could explain himself  (hitting Von Dire in the balls was the only way for anyone to shut him down) was hit over the head with an empty beer bottled wielded by Sleaze.

The Stage crew, Festival Security, and the arrival of the Police combined managed to get things under control, but the Festival would be rescheduled for a later date due to the uproar that tonights show. Von Dire and Sleaze went to jail for Assault and Terroristic Threats, Vile went to the Emergency Room and received 19 stitches, and Rage ended up in the ER as well for Alcohol Poisoning later that night.

Feb. 18th, 1988 Malice plays the Wisconsin “Heavy Metal Massacre” Festival. The show goes well and without incident, but after the show things got pretty fucking crazy. After their set Malice retired to their dressing room for a pre celebration party celebration. They did so much Blow that they effectively snorted themselves into cocaine psychosis, ended up at the air for, barged through a line of people waiting to board their plane, and ended up on a flight to Albany NY. Luckily Trundle made it to the air port before the plane took off, but had to have the pilot to agree to taxi around the runway. This way Trundle argued he could convince the band they in fact had completed their impromptu plane ride.

Feb. 20th, 1988 Malice shows up a day early for Salt Lake City’s “SLC Metal Mayhem” Festival in Utah. Vile went to the Bauhaus Brewery (No relation to the post-punk band Bauhaus) and managed to get kicked out for being too drunk for the brewery tour. Trundle came and picked up the heavily intoxicated Vile and drove him to the Hotel Harrison to sleep it off.

Trundle then received a call that Rage was at The Pink Pussy also drunk off his ass and had jumped up on stage to preform his own strip tease. Though the Police had been called to the scene Trundle managed to convince them to let Rage go with a drunk and disorderly misdemeanor. While Trundle was running around like a mad man trying to keep his clients out of jail, the hospital or the Coroner’s Von Dire and Sleaze took a Ferrari for a test drive and traded it for $10,000 of Crack.

Now with a fat sack filled with high quality Crack Rocks walked to the nearest Shitty Corner Neighborhood Hellhole ran up a $379 tab before the two pulled a Booze-N-Bolt stiffing the elderly bartender who called the Cops. Fueled by a serious supply of Crack Von Dire and Sleaze picked up some $2 Hookers, and got a room at the nearest Flop House Motel (You know the kind where you pay by the hour and no one snitches)

After a STD ridden sexfest Von Dire and Sleazy had literally burned through their Crack Stash opted to inject Adderall into their necks. This is when all of a sudden Trundle burst into the room. He knew where the two were at because he had placed a GPS Tracker in one Vile’s many pieces of jewelry. Trundle had done this because after 12 years in the music business he had learned how to keep track off “High Risk” Talent. Trundle took Von Dire and Sleazy to a local 24 hour Drug Detox Center and had both their systems flushed free off Narcotics.

Feb 20th Malice misses their set at the “SLC Metal Mayhem” Festival due to the band was still recovering from the partying they did the night before. When the Crowd found out Malice was going to be a No Show they began to riot tearing the venue to pieces. In a last ditch effort to end the riot without incident or Police involvement the Festival’s Promoter announced that another fan favorite The Savage Savages would be taking Malice’s spot, and there would be a free meet-N-Greet after the show. This soothed the seething fans who stopped the destruction and celebrated in jubilation. The night ended with no one getting hurt or arrested, it was nothing short of a miracle.

Feb 21st Malice arrive at “Madmen of Metal” Festival in Hoonah Alaska population 740 (571 of which were rabid Malice Fans). The Show was one of Malice’s most notorious they ever preformed. As the band launched into their number one hit “Shit Sandwich” a rouge Penguin waddled on stage. Von Dire being lit as shit on LSD and Mushrooms was completely oblivious, and accidentally kicked the poor Penguin square in the face. What no one knew at the time that the Penguin was in actuality the prized pet of an Inuit Tribal Chief who took it as a gravest of insults. The still oblivious Von Dire instructed Malice to play their unit-authoritarian anthem “Fuck’em All” in response to the angry Inuit barrage. As the Inuits fought security Malice played on further infuriating the already anger Inuits who now where well aware they were being mocked by Malice’s music.

The Inuit’s at last had dispensed of every security guard and ran up on stage, grabbed Von Dire, Sleaze and Vile, tried a rope around their ankles, attached the other end of the rope to awaiting Dog Sleds, and then told the Sled Dogs to Mush dragging the 3 musicians off into the freezing pitch black of the Alaskan night. Von Dire, Vile, and Sleaze where found 8 hours later when the Sled Dogs stopped to take 5. All 3 were treated for frost bite and hypothermia and made a full recovery in a matter of days.

Malice was charged by the State of Alaska for Animal Abuse, Desecrating Sacred Tribal Soil, and Hate Crimes against the indigenous Inuits. None of these law suites was ever settled because Malice Self Destructed before the length court process was complete. To this day no one knows how Rage avoided capture including Rage who was blackout drunk before taking the stage.

Feb 23, 1988 Finally released from the Alaskan Hospital Von Dire, Vile, and Sleaze rejoined Rage and the band departed for the Oregan’s “Masters of Metal” Festival in the town of Ashland. Before the show Sleaze had an altercation with the opening band Pisser’s drummer. Apparently Sleaze was not a fan of Pisser’s music and considered them to be Punk Rock Wannabe’s. Sleaze had spent the day insulting the band, and talking mad shit to anyone who’d listen. Then Sleaze was approached by a reporter for “Heavy Metal Magazine” for a on the spot interview about the Festival Tour thus far, and how the band was handling it. During the interview of course Sleazy used the platform to further insult Pisser claiming their guitarist Ulrich “The Urinal” Upschicker was a shitty Eddie Sleaze imitation. Sleaze went on to further claim Pisser stole Stank Breath’s musical style in a lame attempt to capitalize on Malice’s wild success.

Later that night during Malice’s encore that night Ulrich made an unscheduled and unwanted appearance. Ulrich walked determinately onto the stage waiving a Giant, Double Headed, Neon Pink Dildo, and then walked over to Sleaze. Sleaze who was already striding across the stage to see what the fuck Ulrich was doing dropped his guitar and flipped Ulrich off with both hands. Ulrich then charged at Sleaze wailing the Dildo until he got face to face with Sleaze at which point he Pimp Slapped Sleaze across the face knocking him backwards.

Rage then threw his drum sticks at Ulrich who responded by ducking the drum sticks and laughing manically at Rages attempt to thwart him. Rage then came bolting out from behind his drums like a Bull in a china shop knocking his entire drum kit off the drum stage. Once Rage hit the stage he unceremoniously tripped over part of his drum kit and twisted his ankle sending him crashing down face first through his Bass Drum.

This amused Ulrich who now was being some what restrained by Security to no end, and further facilitating Ulrich’s maniacal Laughing. fit. Sleaze at the same time was distracted from Ulrich because he was busy battling Security to get off of him. Sleaze head butted several Security Guards before breaking free long enough to run across the stage, leap over the heads of the Security Guards surrounding Ulrich, and hit him with one hell of a Haymaker. The Punch hit Ulrich with such force it knocked out Ulrich’s two front teeth. Security consolidated their efforts on Sleaze at that point as Ulrich was distracted now looking for his teeth, and hollering for a Gallon of Milk.

Vile and Von Dire scrambled around avoiding Security as a couple of Roadies managed to retrieve Rage from amid the chaos to the on site EMT Tent. Von Dire spent his time dodging Security to rile the Crowd into a fit of frenzy until the Promoter cut the mic. This didn’t stop Von Dire who continued to scream at the Crowd inciting a violent relation against Pisser and any asshole who would hire them. Vile grabbed a bottle of Whiskey from the side of the stage (and downed the entire bottle) while ducking Security who were desperately trying to end the fight between Sleaze and Ulrich. The Police showed up in full Riot Gear and started using Tear Gas to disperse the unruly Crowd sending Malice fleeing the stage. Malice made it safely (aside from Rage’s self induced sprained ankle) to the waiting tour bus, and Trundle put the peddle to the metal speeding off down the Highway words the next show.

Feb. 26th 1988 Malice had spent the last couple of days on the way to South Dakota’s “Mega Metalfest” Festival in the town of Wall on the phone doing hundreds of interviews with the press in America, Asia, Canada, and Europe. Undoubtedly Malice was dominating the music scene across every medium Televisions, Newspapers, Magazines, and Word of Mouth. By the time Malice pulled into Wall their ego’s were so inflated they cancelled their performance, and announced it was due to the fact they had become too famous to play a town like Wall (whose a year round population of 800.)

Feb 28th 1988 The final day of the Festival Circuit Malice had fired Trundle and were actively looking for new representation. They had also terminated their deal with WhoreMonger and signed instead with Razorback Records who promised they could record their first album immediately. See up to this point though Malice’s success was sizable it was built sold on their live shows, they hadn’t even recorded a single song. That nights show was wild as Malice hit the stage in high spirits and ended up playing 4 encores before showering the audience with $250,000 worth of Champaine (the Band used the entire $250,000 signing bonus with Razorback on the extravagance) Malice spent the rest of the night driving around town partying with everyone who crossed their path.

Stay Tuned for the Next Installment Of Malice The Band Who Almost Killed Us All posting NEXT after this radically surreal piece by SpaceDog.

Thank for Reading,

Les Sober 

 

SpaceDog & Dullard’s Inter Dimensional Demise

Well hell I just don’t know wtf to begin with this little ditty but we must start somewhere. The Kiddies (Staff) mentioned in their post that as far as they knew SpaceDog was MIA, but they also stated I claimed to know the current whereabouts of SpaceDog and at that time I did. SpaceDog had taken sometime off during our move to live out his dream of true inner vision out in some god forsaken desert, and brought our Chief Editor Dullard Dillard along for the ride. As luck would have it while transversing the barren beauty of the vast desert plains SpaceDog and Dullard came across a small commune. The commune was a Hippy dinosaur disillusionment hangover from “The Love Generation” founded by Dr. Nirvana Namaste (who founded to commune in 1961 after fleeing from Berkley University where he was a professor of Geology.)

SpaceDog and Dullard were invited by the current Commune leader and son of Dr. Nirvana Namaste High Hippy Freedom Haberdasher or Clive for short. SpaceDog held lengthy conversations over the next 4-5 days talking about transcendentalism with the members of the Commune (dubbed The THC Ministry Farms by its 78 full time inhabitants) well into the wee hours of the morning.

SpaceDog had always dreamed of actually whipping up a big old punch bowl with what he called “Electric Kool Aid”, and figured he had an apt audience. So SpaceDog asked Clive if he could repay his and Dullard’s stay at the commune by making a metaphysical meditation medication. Clive not being to concerned of the risk because well they were 117 miles from anything remotely resembling civilization. SpaceDog went to work (as Dullard watched wide eyed in shock and Awe) without pause concocting his Enlightenment Elixir. First Spacedog filled a massive punch bowl (25 gallon to be exact) with cheap fruit punch that consisted mainly of water, sugar and red dye. The SpaceDog added the list of secret ingredients (which is a bit foolish to say as SpaceDog had told quite a few people over the years about his Holy Psychedelic Venture)

This is now time for our Disclaimer & WARNING:

  1. The views, opinions and actions portrayed in posts ARE NOT THAT OF f-yourblog.com.
  2. We DO NOT Advocate, Encourage or Endorse ANY AND ALL  extremely dangerous acts that our subject (or subject manner) may pertain to in a post, we are just mere reporters, Documentarians, and Story Tellers.

WARNING TO ALL READERS!

We at f-yourblog do not condone drug use and believe Addiction to be a serious and dire subject.

DO NOT ATTEMPT ANYTHING REMOTELY LIKE what SpaceDog did EVER. If you do the list of severely sick shit that can happen to you include but are not limited to:

HOSPITALIZATION, SEVER NEUROLOGICAL DAMAGE, SEVERE BRAIN DAMAGE, DEATH, EXTREME MOOD SWINGS, LACK OF REASON/COMMON SENSE, DIZZINESS, DELUSION, HALLUCINATION, HEART ATTACK/ STROKE, SELF DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR (IE. SELF HARM), INSANITY, PSYCHOSIS, PARANOIA ,AND DEMENTIA and thats just for starters.

NOW back to our story…

Spacedog proceeded to add MDMA, LSD, Ecstasy, Magic Mushrooms (Psilocybin), Peyote, Mescolilne, PCP, Micro Dots, DMT, Ayahuasca, Salvia Divinorum, DXM, Areca catechu, Kava (Piper methysticum), Ipomoea tricolor, Khat,Fly Agaric Mushrooms, Datura Stramonium (Hell’s Bell’s or Jimson weed), Wormwood, Heavenly Blue Morning Glory Seeds, Areca Catechu (Betel Nut), Plants containing Atropine/Scopolmine,Lysergic Acid Amide,Eboga,Mexican Calea,San Pedro Torch Cactus,Blue Egyptian Water Lily,Colorado River Toad Poison, and Cannabis Sativa. There were also likely a few more ingredients that were added in an impromptu manner in the making.

SpaceDog’s psychotic psychedelic punch made its debut at that nights Feast of the Full Moon Festival. Now this is were shit gets really fucking weird, and the details are sketchy as sketchy can get. According to the surviving Commune Members some of the things that occurred that evening are as follows:

  1. 9 Members Brains liquefied and drained out of their Nasal Cavities
  2. 2 Members Spontaneously Combusted
  3. 17 Ran off into the desert night claiming that they were going in search of The Gumdrop Gods to request that they be allowed to live in Candy Land Board Game, and have yet to be found.
  4. Several members climbed large cactuses nude.
  5. 3 Members became convinced they were ancient desert Tortoises and still believe that to this day.
  6. 4 Members were transported back in time, but their destinations in the historical timeline are uncertain.
  7. 11 Members blasted off into outer space to have a foot race using the Rings of Saturn as their race track.
  8. 1 member reverted from a full grown adult into a barely viable fetus.
  9. A Couple of Members listened to Chumbawamba and Tub Thumped one another to death.
  10. 6 Members actually jumped out of their own skin.

But what happened to SpaceDog and Dullard Dillard you ask? Well I can tell you what I’ve been told so here goes:

  1. Dullard Dillard allegedly came face to face with his Doppelgänger. A Doppelgänger is a German word that means “A Ghostly/Paranormal identical double or counterpart of a Living Person”. The Myth is if you encounter an apparition of yourself is/was an Omen of imminent death. The best way I can explain this subject further is “The Omen of Death” refers to a similar belief in Doppelgängers that if you encounter your Doppelgänger you will cease to exist. Think of it this way its the same as adding a positive number 1 and a negative number 1 together (-1+1=0). It was reported that when Dullard came face to face with his own Doppelgänger (No one else there saw Dullard’s Doppelgänger based on what happened though its considered the cause of Dullard’s disappearance) he exclaimed “I’m You, Your Me, together its We”, and then proceeded to turn inside out, outside in, inside out, outside in again then he simply imploded.

  1. SpaceDog Fared a much less detrimental outcome though it is equally bizarre. SpaceDog is alive but is still tripping his celestial balls off thus details as to his exact whereabouts are unknown. SpaceDog keeps referencing a “Emerald Triangle” (a infamous area of Marijuana Smuggling Routes) so we assume at this point he’s headed North West possible to Canada.

Thus we find ourselves at the end of this tale of Oddities, and I leave you to make up your own minds as far as wtf went down that night in the vast Desert.

Thanks for the Read,

Les Sober

Eon’s Magic Mushroom Saga

It was one of those picture perfect days in the Great Southern Swamp. A crystal blue sky you could stare off into for hours, sun so bright it looked like a grotesque replica from a cheap gas station postcard and a gentle breeze to stave off the hellish heat with ungodly humidity. Eon was the only one of us (us being Eon, Armenian and myself) who had the day off from serving over priced cocktails to belligerent businessmen in over priced suits. Since the weather was so wonderful Eon decided to take a long bike ride into the center of the Swamp where there is an astounding amount of terra firma to the point it has been converted to cattle farming country long ago in a different time in the same place.

Now this wasn’t a random off the top of her head decision you see she had an exact destination complete with a obtainable goal. The hunt started  off looking for the destination which was a specific field of grazing cattle which is insanely hard due to the fact thats all there is in the center of the Great Southern Swamp are cattle grazing fields. But Eon had the upper hand because she had been given vaguely cryptic directions by a well intentioned co-worker by the name of Psilocybin. The hunt concluded with the obtainable goal of harvesting some marvelous Magic Mushrooms.

I feel its pertinent to explain the correlation between the Cattle Field and the Magic Mushrooms. Its actually quite simple biological science you see. It starts with the cows who spend all day long (at sometimes night as well as they aren’t dairy cows but rather beef cows) grazing happily in the vast open fields where one field could cover up to 100 plus aches. Since the cows eat then we all know they have to shit which they do all day long as well. With the intense heat and rabid humidity along with ample sun and rain pervides the ideal weather for nurturing the growth of funguses such as mushrooms in this case. So thusly the mushrooms sprout and mature growing in/on the cow crap in the hot, steamy environment some of which are Magic Mushrooms, but I digress.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Collecting Magic Mushrooms is EXTREMELY HAZARDOUS and could lead to SERIOUS INJURY OR DEATH. Why? HERES WHY:

  1. If you don’t know the 100% positive identification of the Magic Mushroom you could pick the WRONG mushroom causing you to become VIOLENTLY SICK and in some cases they could POISON YOU AND YOU DIE.
  2. There are BULLS out in the field NOT JUST COWS. Bulls are exactly like you’ve been told they are. BULLS ARE AGGRESSIVE, EASYLY ANGERED, TERRITORIAL and PROTECTIVE OF THE COWS as he perceives them as his women who are not to be trifled with.
  3. REMEMBER YOUR TRESPASSING which is BREAKING THE LAW and can result in you being ARRESTED OR WORSE. In the Great Southern Swamps farmer’s CAN LEGALLY SHOOT TRESPASSERS, THEY CAN USE DEADLY FORCE BY LAW. Now most Farmer’s don’t want to kill anyone especially some stupid kids SO they load their SHOTGUNS with ROCK SALT. You see ROCK SALT SHOT OUT OF A SHOTGUN will PIERCE YOUR SKIN and if you aren’t aware Salt in a wound BURNS LIKE BOILING ACID though its virtually non lethal.
  4. MAGIC MUSHROOMS ARE CONSIDERED AN ILLEGAL DRUG BY THE POLICE SO YOU ALSO RISK ARREST AND PROSECUTION FOR DRUG POSSESSION.

With mission in mind and hope in her heart Eon mounted her Thrift Store Special bicycle and started peddling in the direction of the designated  hallucinogenic promised land. After an hour or two Eon finally stumbled more or less upon the desired field and leaned her bike up against a fence pole, checked her backpack and headed into the heart of the field. As the day trailed on Eon found a plethora of Magic Mushrooms along her travels in the field and was generally pleased with how things were working out. At one point Eon paused and took note that the sun was setting and that was her sign it was time to head on home. It didn’t take long for Eon to suddenly realize she was a tad bit lost as standing in the field was like standing on a life raft in open water, where there is no way to orient oneself. So Eon did all she could to try and retrace her steps through the field and its bovine residents until Eon noticed something out of the corner of her eye. It was a rather large penis that belonged to a even larger Bull with a massive set of menacing looking horns. Eon froze as she and the Bull eyed one another up and then Eon started to run like hell. The Bull waited a brief minute and then decided even if Eon was retreating he stilled needed to settle the score because she had effectively broken into his house. Once the Bull made up his mind he charged after Eon in enraged at her indiscretion and intent on goring her to death or perhaps just trampling her to death one or the other it supposed. Eon saw the fence marking the perimeter of the field, but was unaware it wasn’t the side of the fence she entered through. Any who Eon fueled by adrenaline and the will to live hauled ass making it to the fence and baseball sliding under it just in time to avoid being killed by the Bull. BUT Eon had exited the opposite side of the field she had entered and this side of the field ended right outside of the fence at a 5-6 foot drop strait down into the deep dark (and more than likely Alligator infested) waters of one of the Great Southern Swamps numerous interconnecting canals. Luckily for Eon she managed to at the last possible second to grab hold of the long grass and weeds to keep from plummeting into the cretinous canal. Her body still pumped up on adrenaline managed to pull Eon up onto the narrow 3 foot embankment to safety.

Eon was now faced with a dying twilight and decided the best (and really only) option was to start walking along the massive fence perimeter until she inevitably found her bike. With a huge sigh of relief Eon hopped on her bike and peddled for the comfort and safety of home. Yet there was one trial left for little Eon to endure for as Eon was biking home with a back pack filled with Magic Mushroom (approximately a quarter pound or so) which are highly illegal she was “pulled over”. As it turned out it was just a local yokel cop who was rather bored and a decent enough person to stop Eon to see if she was alright. Eon told the officer she was all good and almost home (she was in fact only 4 blocks from the house when she got stopped) and with that the cop road off none the wiser.