Tag: Maine

How Is That Dog Not Dead?!

Back when I was a Kid about once a Year or So My Family would load up in the Car and Head to Maine for a Week Long Get a Way. My Parents would rent a House along with Their Friends The Higgins (who had Two Kids yet They were Much Older than Me so They weren’t around A lot), and We would all meet up at the Rental House on the designated Date of Arrival. We wouldn’t do any type of Touristy Cliche Family Oriented bullshit We just enjoyed Nature and Each others Company. It was a Simpler Time for Sure.

This was back in the Day before Dog Boarding became a Trend so My Family would take Our Golden Retriever Tasha along for the Trip with Us. The only issue with having the Tasha with Us on these Trips was She suffered from Extreme Separation Anxiety. Again this was back when People didn’t know what Separation Anxiety even was and, People were Baffled to why They’re Dog’s were being so Neurotic and Destructive. The problem at hand caused Tasha to flip the fuck out when We left the House without Her and She’d bolt around the House knocking over furniture, Breaking Shit, and Chewing the Front Door Frame like a Starving Piranha.

           

Thats wasn’t all it didn’t end with just the Typical Separation Anxiety Behavior like I said earlier Tasha was afflicted with a Extreme Case of Separation Anxiety which caused Her insane Behavior to Escalate beyond belief. Once Tasha had gotten Her self completely Frantic She would actually JUMP THROUGH A WINDOW like some sort of Action Movie. Thus during one of Our later Trips to Maine My Parents and Their Friends went around the Entire House Barricading the Windows like something out of a fucking Zombie Movie. They Blocked Windows with Bookcases and Over Turned Tables among other things until the House felt more like fucking Fort Knox. Satisfied the Dog and House were Safe and Secure We all went out for Dinner at a Local Restaurant without a second thought.

After having Stuffed Ourselves on Lobster and Other types of Maine’s wonderfully Fresh Seafood We headed directly back to the Rental House. When We arrived My Parents were thrilled to see the House hadn’t been Trashed (just minority discombobulated), and there was No Sign of Damage to the Door due to Frenzied Chewing. Everyone was so elated by the fact the House and all its windows were in Tact No One Noticed that Tasha who normally would bum rush Us upon Our return was No Where to be Found. Slowly the Our Group spread Out to investigate, and as the search continued there still was not a single sign of the Dog. My Father then speculated that Tasha being unable to escape by jumping through a fucking Window as Per Usual had retreated Upstairs to hide under a Bed or in a Closet instead.

         

My Father promptly went up stairs to see if His Hypothesis was indeed correct, but the Dog still remained Illusive as Ever. In a matter of no time at all Everyone was upstairs searching under beds, in Closets, under/in piles of discarded Clothes, Bath Tube, and anywhere They could think of that the Dog possibly could be. Again the Search turned up nothing at all and now Everyone felt as if They were losing Their fucking Minds. Everyone split up after the Upstairs Search Party to continue to Search for the Missing Dog. It wasn’t soon before everyone was strolling around the House utterly Befuddled by it all. Everyone of Us ended up pacing around asking questions out loud like “Did We Lock the Back Door?”, “Where could Tasha Be?”, “Where did the Dog disappear to?”, “This doesn’t make sense!” and other such questions.

We were so Confused We unofficially ended Our Search to stand around to staring at one another in a Haze Dumbfounded as Fuck. Now Unfortunately it was son many Moons ago I don’t remember exactly Who Discovered what had Happened to the Mysteriously Missing Canine. All I remember is some one Shouting that they had found out what Happened so the rest of Us once again ran up stairs to see what was going on. The second story of the House had a pretty Basic You went up a stare case and once at the top of the Stairs if You looked directly in front of You there was a Long Narrow Hallway with a Natural Wood Floor that reminded Me of looking down a Bowling Ally Lane. On each side of the Hallway there were Two Bedrooms, and if You looked behind You when You were standing in said Hallway You’d see the Bathroom at one End and a Single Window at the Other.

       

When We all clamored upstairs We were informed that the Dog Tasha had in fact Jumped out of the SECOND STORY Hallway Window. We all instantly looked in the Direction of the Window, and it was indeed Broken like a motherfucker. To make things even more Grim below the Hallway Window was the Front Door where the Owner had installed a rather Large Cement Slab to serve as a Rudimentary Porch/Sitting Area. At that point We had to come to grips with the Sad Fact that Tasha had Jumped out of the Second Story Window (with No Way of Clearing the Cement Slab), and Limped or Crawled Off into the Woods to Die as Dogs are apt to do. The rest of the Night We all sat around forlorn as fuck, and in total disbelief at the situation We had returned to after a Nice Dinner Out. Finally We all concluded it was a freak accident, We were all upset by the series of Events that occurred, and that tomorrow would be a New Day and so We went to Sleep.

My Father had a Life Long Habit of waking up Before the Crack of Dawn Typically around 4:30am while the Rest of Us continued to Slumber for Several more Hours. Once My Father had made His mandatory Cup of Coffee He went to retrieve the Morning Paper, and when He opened the Door the Dog was Sitting there waiting. Not only was Tasha Alive and waiting for My Father to get the Paper She didn’t have a single scratch, Bruise, Not even a Limp after Jumping out the Second Story Window onto a Concrete fucking Slab. When the Rest of Us arose at Last We were treated to this splendid tale of Tasha’s miraculous (and equally unreal) Return.

          

Tasha lived out the Rest of Her life without issue and passed at the Ripe Old Age of 14, and until the Day I Die I will never forget Tasha the Luckiest Dog to have Lived in My mind. A Few Years after this volatile vacation We had phased out Our Periodic Trips to Maine but not due to this Incident. It was more than likely due to My Parents Dear Friend Don (who had Moved to Maine with His Wife after He retired from Teaching), and previous Colleeg Pasted of Natural Causes aka Old Age. Thus Maine has a Special place in My Fondest Memories because Alls Well That Ends Well as They Say.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Absurdia Providing The Finest Dining in Exorbitant Opulence: The Menu’s Historical Intro

Welcome to Absurdia,

We hope you enjoy your night here with us at Absurdia where we provide the premier in the finest of fine dinning experience. Absurdia was built originally in 1414 here in Historic Trendillia Pretentious Creek, Maine.

Back in the Year 1414 The Absurdia Building was Pretentious Creek’s Major Manure Factory, and continued on as such until 1515 when what was then named The MannCox Magnificent Manure Manufacturers burned down due to accidental arson.

The Absurdia Building was rebuilt 17 years latter on the exact same site and the exact same size in 1532 were it served as the Local Village Common House where the towns folk would congregate to discuss all matter of town issues and politics.

The Absurdia Building was again transformed in 1616 when the Local Town decided to all become Haagarians (a early form of communism), and abandoned Absurdia. This time Asurdia was reincarnated as the Melvin Family Meat Packing and Butchery Warehouse.

After 88 hardworking years of back breaking toil, and undying commitment Marvin Melvin (the Patriarch of the Melvin Family Meat Packing and Butchery Warehouse) finally became famous for selling an impeccable product. MP&BW became known far and wide for Providing only the most superior steaks, and commanding cuts of meat.

It was then as soon as the Family Business was a undenied success in 1704 that Marvin Melvin immediately shut the family business down, moved back home to Illard Idaho, and spent the rest of his days fishing for Delaware River Eels.

Next The Absurdia Building was the Premier Bone Grinding Mill this side of the Mississippi in 1705. When the Industrial Fans (circa 1919) are on full force in the sweltering Summers the fans dislodge some of the still remaining caked on Bone Dust that’s compiled in compacted layers upon the buildings ceiling. This antique Bone Dust helps to enhance Absurdia’s Food’s flavor profiles, and it provides a truly once in a lifetime mouth feel. The Bone Mill sadly closed its doors in 1818 after a it was discovered by the local Authorities that the proprietors of The Bone Mill were in fact Cannibals who used the Bone Mill to dispose of the Bones of They’re Victims.

The Absurdia Building had a following streak of good luck when it purchased and turned into a Brewery in the late Winter of 1819 by The Boozy Brothers. The Boozy Brothers were German Immigrants decended from a long, and prestigious line of Master Brewers. The Boozy Brother brand of Beer was an instant success and the brewery thrived. That was until Prohibition of Alcohol was passed in 1920 causing the Brewery to close its doors, and the Boozy Brothers ended up moving to Latvia to raise Domestic Wildebeests for Their Milk.

In 1927 the Absurdia Building was used by The McShiner Clan who ran an illegal Moonshine Operation until Their main Stills ruptured during the fermentation process leading to a massive fire that burned for a week strait (fueled by all the Moonshine that had been stock piled inside over several months.) The fire was so bright it was said it could be seen from the Town of Semisuk a whole 111 miles away.

The Absurdia Building was then acquired by Cain and Able’s Biblical Sausage Company who manufactured Saul’s Devine Sausages for countless customers around the globe. The company enjoyed international success until 1938 when in a tragic turn of events Cain murdered Able over the Secret Family Recipe for Their famed Sausages.

With the end of The Great Depression the Absurdia went through several other transitions over the remaining years until Today.

In 1939 the newly renovated Absurdia Building was owned and operated as a Bierliebhaber’s Beer Hall by the one, and only Mister Ivan Bierliebhaber.  Mr. Bierliebhaber remained the Proprietor until he decided to suddenly retire when his Great, Great Grandfather was born in 1944.

The Absurdia Building then sat Vacant for a year, and became inhabited by Bums, Hobo’s, and other various Ne’er-do-wells who referred to the building as “A Home for the Homeless”.

In 1945 The Absurdia Building was bought by The State of Maine, and turned into at the Salvation Soup Kitchen employing many of its past residents as kitchen staff. The Soup Kitchen remained functional until 1955 when the Bowling For Soup Program was initiated throughout the entire State itself.

The next phase in the Absurdia Building’s long legacy started in 1955 when a growing Cured Meat company by the name of  Carnes Curadas out of Lisbon Portugal. The Carnes Curdadas was solely responsible for the introduction of Beef (and Other types of) Jerky to America.

Canes Curdadas produced over 400 different types of Portuguese Jerkies including: Beef, Venison, Chicken, Lobster, Quail, Beaver, Octopus, Badger, Bison, Trout, Jellyfish,Snapping Turtle, Alligator, Rattle Snake, Bat, Flying Squirrel, and Chupacabra for example. Carnes Curdadas moved out of The Absurdia Building to Open a Store in DisneyWorld in the spring of 1966.

In 1966 The Absurdia Building became the per project of Entrepreneurial Vincent Von Dire who envisioned it as Live Music Venue he named simply the  Psychedelic. And to this day The Absurdia Restaurant boasts the largest collection of Celebrity Vomit Stains in the Northern Hemisphere.

If you look hard enough (in fact one year the Owners of Absurdia made a Charity Scavenger Hunt using the Stains Creator as clue) you can see vomit stains from the likes of Jim Morrison, Hunter S. Thompson, Freddie Mercury, David Bowie, Robert Plant, Janis Joplin, Any Warhol, Lenny Bruce and MORE!

In 1977 The Psychedelic was forced to shut its doors when owner Vincent Von Dire accidentally overdosed by drinking 8 ounces of the extremely potent Flower Power LSD mistaking it for a Gin and Tonic.

The Absurdia Building then was reborn as Skeeter’s Roller Rink and Pinball Arcade on November 5, 1977. Skeeter’s became wildly popular especially among the local youth who were damn well tired of underage drinking followed by Cow tipping every weekend.

In 1979 two years after opening Skeeter’s owner  Jimmy “Skeeter” Watson started hosting a Town Roller Derby League featuring his own team called The Skeet Shooters (who became League Champs in 1980 through the 1985 season). This made Skeeters the number one source of entertainment in the all of Maine’s  17,017 Counties. Unfortunately what put Skeeter’s on the Map would also be its downfall.

On the Night of September 18, 1985 Skeeter’s was shut down premaritally by the Federal Authorities when a violent, and deadly Roller Derby Riot broke out and quickly spread into the fans in attendance. By the time the Police had the situation under control 1,9767 People had been crushed to death under Roller Skates, and there were 1,980 injured. The Owner was charged with “Unsafe Conditions” as well as “Inciting a Riot” before he fled persecution by running to Alaska to become a Lone Beaver Trapper living off the Land and Beaver Pelt Trade.

In the Fall of 1985 the son of previous owner Vincent Von Dire, Vladimiro Von Dire the CEO of Obscure Films Incorporated. Vladimiro turned the Absurdia Building into an Niche Movie Theater specializing in B-Horror films, Foreign Films, Exploitation Films, Banned Films, Rare Hard To Find Films, Troma Films, Cult Films, and Films by up and coming underground film makers. Vladimiro christened his Theater The Obscura Ocular.

Even though the Theater didn’t exactly appeal to the general public nor demographic it limped along for years turning a meager profit. Finally Vladimiro closed the Theater, and moved to Hell’s Kitchen NYC in an attempt to work with Independent Film Icon, and Troma Co-Founder Lloyd Kauffman.

The Last film to be shown at Obscura Ocular was a Midnight Double Feature with “Mouth Full of  Maggots” and “Inner Child Abuse” (both by Vladimiro’s estranged Father the Legendary, and highly Controversial Cult Filmmaker Vincent Von Dire) on May 8th 1991.

In July of 1991 The Absurdia Building had yet another new owner in the band Malice who converted it into Their private Recording Studio, but due to the unending volitive nature of the band, constant touring, and a mind boggling  list of Line Up Changes led to the band never actually recording a single note in the $19 million State of the Art Studio

Finally in February 1999 The Absurdia Building was bought by Leviticus Van Trundle of the Van Trundle Family Fortune. Leviticus was the consumate Glutton who’s undying passion for Food drove him to purchase the Building. He  dubbed his new establishment  Absurdia after his favorite Chef Allister Absurdia. Leviticus’s desire was to create, and elevate the Finest Foods from the Four Corners of the Earth under one magnificent roof.

But You Can Read More About That in the “Who’s Who” of the Staff here at Absurdia from our Maitre D’Resturant to Our World Class Chefs in the Following Pages of Our Menu.

Thanks for Reading,

 By Les Sober

Telemarketer Berserker

During My long and illustrious job history I have worked as a dreaded Telemarketer 3 times. My first Telemarketing job we didn’t do sales (thank fucking God thats the fucking worst by far) we did surveys for different companies that contracted us to do market research essentially. It was the same with the second time I was a Telemarketer so again not so bad. The last time I was a Telemarked though it was a bizarrely surreal experience. It was so absurd I decided I had to write about it, and this was MANY, MANY Years down the line.

This story is so utterly strange in nature I’m not sure where to start exactly. I suppose I’ll start with the simplest thing first, and that would be the actual office building that housed a so called Call Center. The office was located out in some remote part of the sticks (most likely because land is cheaper out in the middle of no fucking where USA) so it was a long and tedious drive just to get there. The building itself was bleak and depressing looking like something out of 1950’s Russia (Russia has had several name changes so in the 50’s Russia may very well been called The Soviet Union or The USSR).  It was a single level office building whose walls were a Prison Gray with a stark pitch black roof.  the inside was not much better I assure you. The Inside was the seriously most generic, soul sucking, bland, mundane, and lifeless. Of course there was the mandatory Florescent Lights we all know and love. The Lights that seem to have an odd murky white (with a blue tinge) the kind of Lights that make your fucking eyes roll back in your head, they melt your will and break your spirit. Buildings with Florescent Lights always remind me of living in Maine. Maine is one of those states (next to no sun all year, and the sky is always a over cast.)

Once I entered the building (that looked like a through back Mental Hospital   ) I’d walk down a long hallway with  White Sterile Walls,  with the ever present Florescent lights buzzing and humming away. I walked all the way down the hallway to the very fucking end and there on my  right was a plain white door that lead into the again so called “Call Center” which was like nothing I had ever seen in my past Telemarking jobs, it was for one insanely quite. As we all know when Telemarketers call you there basically sitting in one large room surrounded by fellow Telemarketers who are all fielding phone calls. This creates a good bit of background noise that is identifiable to most people. This place was a quite as a fucking Tomb I kid you not.

Once through the door I found myself in a very small room (about the size of an average bedroom) where Telemarketers lined the perimeter of the walls instead of straight lines in cubicles as is the common practice. There were only a handful of employees most looked like fucking teenagers. I would walk across the room to a open doorway into a minuscule hallway about 3-4 feet long max. At the end of that mice hallway was the Supervisor’s Office.

The Supervisor was a fat, cranky, middle aged woman (50-55 years old approximately. She had a shitty attitude to boot. She was one of those type of people that act like they hate their job and their lives resenting both in the end. She reminded me more of a fucking Taxi Dispatcher than a Supervisor of any-fuckig-thing at all. Her fashion sense was non existent as she wore these hideous sudo Tommy Bahama shirts, the ones made from the cheapest of fabrics in a Sweat Shop by Children. Not only was the fabric of the lowest grade they had equally hideous patterns on them such as Tropical Themes, Loud obnoxious colors, and ridiculous abstract patterns that made you go “God thats fucking horrible, who the hell would wear that shit???” Anyway point is she was a badly dressed Asshole.

Across the tiny hallway there was another even smaller room that resembled a large bathroom (say in a Master Suit or Penthouse) and it too had Sterile Sanitarium White, there was absolutely nothing on the walls. There were no tacky motivational posters or crappy “Waiting Room” paintings. This was made more depressing by the fact there wasn’t a single fucking window so you felt sort of trapped like you were stuck in a Military Bunker not a Office. This almost claustrophobic room was where I was stationed so I didn’t have any real contact with my fellow Telemarketers it felt like being in fucking solitary confinement. My “desk” was just one of those run of the mill tables you see all the fucking time at large functions, Church events, School Fairs, Town Hall Meetings, for catering events etc. It was the mass produced piece of general use particle board with a fake wood top kind of like the Old School Station Wagons that had the bullshit wood side paneling. On my desk was only one thing a phone nothing else what so ever. It was like down at the Prison where they have the special phone for executions that is a direct line to the Governor.

Now this Telemarketing Firm didn’t do sales nor did it do surveys. I’m not honestly sure what the fuck they do as I wasn’t employed there long. While I was there though we were cold calling High Schools across the entire Nation. Why you may ask and with good reason. We were calling High Schools to Talk to a Gym Teacher because they teach Sex Ed/Health Class, and we were offering LARGE AMOUNTS of FREE SAMPLES. Now I know your interested because why would Telemarketers call High Schools to contact Gym Teachers due to the fact they teach Sex Ed/Health Classes. We were calling to offer these High Schools loads of Free MAXI PADS. Yes Maxi Pads, motherfucking Maxi Pads.

Every Gym Teacher I contacted told me ABSOLUTELY NO THANK YOU, and they all has the same reason too. The reason was simple logic see what do you think a High School worth of Students are going to do with Free Maxi Pads? They’re going to use them. Use them to Vandalize the Holy Hell out of the School I’m talking Floor to Ceiling, Wall to Wall, and End to End. This made perfect sense of course because if I was one of those High School students thats exactly what my Friends and I would do.

As you might imagine sitting in this half assed excuse for a office for 8 fucking hours a day 5 days a week hearing No after NO (even if there is a damn good reason to say NO) gets fucking depressing. Now this is what happened that led to my Firing. We had contact sheets and on the top was the Company offering Free Samples and what the promotion was all about. The lower half of the contact paper had a space for the High School and the Gym Teachers name that we spoke with. Lastly there was a final blank space for the total number of Boxes of the Free Samples to be shipped to said Schools.

After a while I decided if I got a Gym Teacher’s answering machine I’d write their name down and make up a number of orders. This went on for quite awhile. Then one day I got in and managed to find out (no thanks to my anti social introverted fellow employees) that the new girl was hired as a Fact Checker. Her one and only task was to double check our orders to make sure they were legitimate. Obviously my bullshit was catching up with me. I could have just quit the job (as most people would have at this point) cut and run before the shit hit the fucking fan, but I didn’t. I’m not sure why I remained there knowing the noose was tightening so to speak.

What I assume with great confidence (its the only logical reason for the Fact Checker Chick) that my bullshit orders were being shipped out to Schools who had not fucking clue, and the Gym Teach’s names were on the shipping label. Now either they were personally annoyed by this stunt or they were anxious because the Principle was pissed, and the Teacher wanted to avoid being fired. For whatever reason the Teachers were calling my Employer and demanding to know what the hell was going on. Then of course my befuddled Boss would have to apologize her ass off while simultaneously kissing the angry Gym Teachers ass as well. Needless to say my shenanigans were now pissing everyone from the Teachers to my Boss to Her Boss and above. Thats why my Boss and other Middle Management Morons had a brain storming session to find out how they could resolve the issue at had. Inevitably they came to the solution of hiring a Fact Checker to hunt down the guilty party at which point my Boss would take the hell over, and that employee would terminated immediately.

Finally my day of reckoning arrived rather swiftly I must say. The Fact Checker Chick had at last found the answer to the “Who is fucking around and causing Management a huge pain in the ass, and that guilty person was me. I got called into my bosses office and as I walked there I felt like I was the one in High School getting called into the Principal’s office. As I walked past my fellow feeble minded employees I made sure to let them know that I knew they knew and didn’t give a flying fuck. I did this by walking with a smugly sarcastic grin and if we made eye contact I stared them down like a dog with a “I’ll fuck you up, fuck anything or everything up and I SIMPLY DON’T CARE NOT IN THE LEAST.” glare because truth be told I didn’t. I fucking hated the job, the oppressing office, the bunch of brain dead dips hits I worked with, the Idiotically inconvenient commute, the miserable  Management, and my Bastard Son of a Bitch Boss Lady. I didn’t care about being fired I’ve been fired almost as much as I have quit jobs on the spot so I relished the whole overly dramatic display of inner office asshole authority.

My Boss walked me into her hoarder looking office and sat down behind her desk. She instructed me to sit and I said no I’ll stand thanks. That didn’t help her growing rage and thats what it was intended to do. She then launches into this tirade about the Company and their policies pertaining to shit like this. I just stood there looking at her with the “I really could care less about whatever it is you babbling about” look painted across my face. My soon to be Ex-Boss then started ranting about her personal views on the subject at hand which I found rather unprofessional. Since I didn’t give a Rat’s ass about what the Company had to say I sure a hell didn’t give a good goddamn. I thought to myself why not take the opportunity and tell this asshole what I thought because I was getting fired anyway so fuck it right?! I interrupted her mid speech and blurted out that as far as I was concerned this place was a fucking two bit, half assed excuse for a Telemarketing firm. Not even close to being done I continued on. Next I told her that she was a total shit and that her pissant Supervisor job at this 3 ring shit show was menial at best, and that she apparently hated her life (and that I couldn’t blame her) and took it out on other people because no one cares about her. Lastly I informed her I had absolutely and utterly NO REMORSE for my actions in fact I found the whole thing funny as fuck even me being fired. After that I just walked out and left fuck her, fuck them, fuck it not like there aren’t other jobs out there so ultimately I didn’t need this one.

Thanks For Reading,

Les Sober