Manifestations – f-your blog

Hey Spacedog here….

It’s been a while. There was not going to originally be a post until next week but I just decided yesterday that enough was enough. What is it that I am coming off of you ask?

Well first off, my absence from here is mostly pandemic related. Out of all the billions of individuals in the world, I am probably in the top 1% of people with insane paranoid reactions. Eventually though I kinda grew to like it. I got to wear a mask so no one would know who I was. I didn’t have to worry if suddenly after 8 years of grand mal seizures today would be the day and I’d go straight into the Delaware River on my way to my doctor’s office. And I didn’t have to have any house guests! I became the Maybelline Girl. Maybe she’s born with it maybe it’s Maybelline! I was born for this.

Anyway….

So I’ve got to say I have been quite a bit off about one thing I have been telling people recently. My sobriety date from alcohol…. I really thought I drank this year. Nope the receipts clearly show November 17, 2019. Not that the difference between that and February 1st really matters much to me. All I know is the last 3 times I drank were rum, beer, and sparkling seltzer in that order. The rum tasted stale so I ended up dumping 4 ozs of a 14 oz bottle. The beer I ended up having to just toss after 5 of 12 because frankly it made me feel beyond shitty. As for the sparkling seltzer it was surprisingly good but actually still made me feel awful afterwards. Most of these manifestations I describe above were physical.

I sorta just quit. I did not need any bells and whistles or pats on the back. I kinda just did it on my own and it was mine and mine alone. No one could brag about how wonderful of a person they were to get me sober (while doing meth on the side, thanks AA Sponsor #6) or how they were so vital to my recovery (Here looking at you Sponsor #4, enjoy the oxys). Frankly I just did not care anymore. I guess I’m at day 275 or 276 or something for those who are counting. Frankly I’m not…..

So what is it I am coming off of right now? It’s nothing sexy or dangerous like meth or heroin or molly or crack or coke. Just some plain old cigarettes and coffee.

I can honestly say I feel entirely better than I thought I would at this point. I am a master at coming off of drugs, but sadly I am a bit rusty. I feel between all the antidepressants, heroin (several times), alcohol, and mood stabilizers I have been in this moment at least 30 different occasions before.

This occasion is really mild. The heroin was the worst by far but only when I was snorting it. I honestly only even got minor withdrawal no matter how much I shot. Alcohol I had about 2 Leaving Las Vegas spells in my 20s, but not really any withdrawal other than that.

The anti-depressants quite honestly to me were the biggest joke as well as the hardest legal drugs I have ever had to come off of. Depakote, lithium, effexor, paxil, prozac, seroquil, serzone. A laundry list of harm to me. Suicidal, emotionless, too much fake joy, sexless, mania, and winner winner chicken dinner homicidal respectively.

I seriously called poison control when it came to the Serzone. I kept thinking of what kind of knives my neighbors had and what it would be like to use them. And my nails look like I applied a bright coat of dark pink nail polish. P Control literally had no idea how to help me with what was going on. I called my friend Seth on the phone a few minutes later and he informed me he was on that garbage and to have some milk. A minute later my nails returned to normal, my thoughts came back shortly after.

Honestly coffee was going to be a battle for next week to give up but as I settled in on my couch at home I smelled the faint scent of flowers. It was mostly roses but maybe some lavender or lilac. I usually get this when my spirit guide is nearby. Anyway so I figured I’d just go to bed. At 6pm.

Then woke up at 130 and started writing this blog. I think I wholeheartedly can say that 1:30AM is a shitty ass time to wake up. I suppose this would be the absolute perfect time to wake up if I were say a rapist. Boom sober, boom bar, boom victim and whatever else rapey people do in between. Spray themselves down with the most vile of scents. I’m sure there are nice smelling rapists but frankly none of my rapists were Glade Scent Stories inspired. Obscure reference I know…. glade scent stories were this little thing that looked like a CD Walkman and you put the CD in and it would through a few scents per CD.

Physically though I’m feeling pretty good all things considered. I was highly disappointed that I was not able to pick out any online courses last evening but if my path is less than 24 hours off I really shouldn’t let myself worry too much. I really am not missing the cigarettes a whole lot especially without that stupid nicotine patch making my arm itch like crazy.

Coffee…. well I’ve just been trying to find any and all negative information. All I know is it comes from a plant and well I am inching oh so close to the Carnivore Diet or something similar. I still haven’t felt right since I juiced kale, zucchini, brocolli and lime. It tasted terrible. Rape victim of the jolly Green Giant terrible. Threw up 30 minutes later and passed out for 2.5 hours after.

So coffee….wheeeeee….. I probably should have tapered off down to 1 cup a day before I quit but I’m always up for a bigger challenge and a better suffering at this point. I’ve been drinking 3-5 cups a day for a few weeks. All this self imposed lockdown, this suffering, this absence of bliss will pay off in spades one day I tell myself.

I just don’t want to be half sober. I feel all of these people out there in Alcoholics Anonymous and all these other recovery programs are the biggest bunch of hypocrites on the planet. They are following around a plan based on 80 years of complete horseshit and pseudoscience. I guess I get it though. Most people are too weak and broken to get better on their own. They never seek their answers within and only rely on outside counsel. They drink coffee like fish, chain smoke like the marlboro man, and eat some of the worst cookies on the planet. Like seriously maybe I hadn’t been to a meeting in a while, but Chips Ahoy?

I see most of these people now for what they truly are. A bunch of dry drunks going around who like to preach to others because it gives them a sense of self importance. My way or the highway they say.

The absolute funniest thing about these people is they will engage you in normal conversation until you mention that you are not in AA. It’s like I single-handedly broke the matrix somehow. Seriously far more people get sober when not in this archaic broken program. The effectiveness is probably somewhere between aspirin between the knees and self baptism in your favorite local polluted body of water. I guess I shouldn’t knock anyone though it’s just frustrating.

I was put on this Earth to help others and sometimes I think the only way I am going to be able to do it is lie my teeth off. Sure I can lie my teeth off if I meet you somewhere by random chance….. like if I needed to come up with a BS story for my Grubhub driver or a grocery store clerk. When it comes to write though I don’t have that luxury. It’s just not in my blood. Brutal honesty or no writing. Only two options here.

But the moral of the story is it is only day 2 and day 1. cigarettes and coffee. It would be nice to be able to honestly just listen in to an AA meeting but I know I am not welcome at any. Well of course I am just not one meeting in particular I went to drunk because my wonderful sponsor #3 thought that Tori Amos concerts were going to somehow involve me shooting meth and going to circuit parties.

man I pick the winners! I seriously hope I don’t pick a husband as poorly one day as these sponsors. My award-winning sponsor picking is literally on par with Larry King and his fantastic wife picking. (I have no idea who any of his wives are, but I just assume if that many people would willing marry someone he either has a giant penis or a giant bank account) .

Gotta pick courses now will post tomorrow if I am not dead already.

By Spacedog

Welcome to “Hi I’m Mary Mary” which is an Extremely Obscure Homegrown Horror Web Series that first appeared on Youtube (on July 10, 2016), and the Series is Still Ongoing to this Very Day. It’s Dark and Intense with a Seriously Cool Pick Your Own Adventure/RPG Interactive Aspect. So What is it all About You Wonder? Well We aren’t quite Sure exactly, but Heres a Run Down of the Pertinent Points/Information We Have.

“Hi I’m Mary Mary”:

The Series Main Character is Named Mary who wakes up in a what She refers to as “A Copy of My Parents House”, and Has No Idea how She got there.
All the Doors in the House are Locked and The Windows are Unbreakable Trapping Mary Inside.
Mary does find a Video Camera and has Internet Access (Though She can’t See What Anyone is Posting/Saying or Responding to. Simply Put its a preverbal One Way Street).
The Series Spills Over in Mary’s actual Twitter Account and Her Blog. Each Platform pervades it’s Own Clues and Insight as to What is Going on in the House and with/to Mary Herself.
Mary uses the Video Camera She finds in the House to Document Her Time in the House since well, She seems to have Nothing but Time considering She’s Trapped. The Day are rather Uneventful, But when Night Falls All fucking Hell Breaks Loose.

There are a Total of Five Separate and Distinct Characters in Addition to Mary Four of Which are Demonic Living in the House, and Exist Only to Torment Mary Relentlessly (again Mostly at Night). The Fifth is The Lady In White Who is a Mysterious Ally though Mary May be Totally Unaware of this Fact.
The First Evil Entity in the House is Beauty who appears Only when Mary is looking in a Mirror. Beauty appears wearing a Dress and a Flawless Mask, and Laughs Hysterically Mocking at Mary. Beauty is believed is the Embodiment of Mary’s Physical Insecurities.
The Veiled Lady appears at the End of the First Video and is the Most Predominate of the Sinister Spirits Lurking in the House. She has almost a the Leader of sorts to the Ghastly Group. The Veiled Lady also gets More and More Aggressive with Mary, and is the Only Entity that can actually Speak Directly to Mary. It is believed The Veiled Lady is Symbolic of Depression.

The Shadow appears when Mary Feels Safe and has a Noteable Trait. That Trait is whenever the Shadow is present Phrases Flash on the Screen (example “I Feel Nothing.” and “I Messed Up.” and the Shadow makes Mary in Her words “Feel Terrible.”

Some of Mary’s Tweets pertaining to the Shadow are as Follows:

“The way it moves…its so unsettling. sometimes just seems…wrong. I don’t like looking at it- staring directly makes me feel bad.”
‘I HATE looking at it. what does it even do? It just follows me around and when I look at it, I feel terrible.”
“god I feel so freaking empty.it’s watching me. why doesn’t it move quickly. it’s like it wants me to feel this.”
“its looking at me right now. at least i think it is. i’m going to go into another room and close the door. it will probably open it.”
The Shadow is believed to be the Manifestation of Regret.

The Darkness is the Most Ominous and Mysterious of the Four Ghoulish Ghosts. In one Video Mary chases The Darkness and Catches it, but When She Lifts Her hand The Darkness Absorbs into Her Palm. When Mary catches The Darkness the phrase “I’m a Monster” Flashes on the Screen. After this Encounter the Other Evil Entities have Their various Barriers Removed allowing Them to Become Bigger, Stronger, and More Terrifying than Ever Before. It is believed The Darkness represents Anxiety.
During the Series at one Point Mary finds a Way out of the House through a Door that Leads to What She calls “The Garden” (which is more like a Pond in the Woods, and sometimes its just Water).
The Garden is Peaceful and Calm it’s Mary’s Only Escape from the Hellish Abuse from inside the House, and She becomes Dependent on it to provide a Shelter from the Storm. Unfortunately for Mary the Garden starts to Decay the Sun Vanishes and is Replaced By Grey Skys and Rain. As time passes Mary starts to find Abandoned Places and Broken things around the Garden.
Mary’s visits to The Garden become Shorter and Shorter as The Garden Starts to make Mary Physically Ill. It is believed the Garden Represents Drug Use/ Drug Addiction as it parallels the Five Stages of Drug Addiction (The Five Stages are 1. First Use 2. Regular Use 3. Risky Use, 4. Dependence 5. Disorder)

As the Garden Decay Away and starts making Mary Sick the Malevolent Spirits become Intenser and Physically violent towards Mary.
The Drug/Narcotic in Question is more than Likely Heroin. There is Repeated Footage of Mary Rubbing Her Arm specifically Her Upper Forearm (which is the Preferred Injection Site for Junkies which Leads to Track Marks). This Behavior is First seen in the Video “Check In” and continues through the Rest of the Series so Far.
It’s in the Garden We meet the Final Character The Lady In White and the Question surrounding Her is is She an Enemy or Ally?! From what We can Tell She is most definitely an Ally though Mary is utter oblivious to this Fact.

The Lady in White Hides Her face and Only Mouths words to Mary. If You watch the Videos in Slow Motion You can make Out What exactly The Lady In White Is Saying. Here are some Examples:

“This place is not good for you.”
“Mary, please listen to me.”
“Mary you are not ok…”
“You need help.”
“Please Mary listen to me.”
“You have to get out of here.”

It Appears the Lady In White is a Force of Good Desperately trying to Communicate with Mary but to No Avail.
There is a Hidden Message in the Source Code on Mary’s Blog that apparently is from The Lady In White. In Summation it states She is in fact trying to Communicate with Mary, But She believes the Four Malicious Entities in the House are Preventing Her from doing so. She states She isn’t sure if Anyone (aka the Viewers) can even see the Messages, Yet She thinks there is a good chance Someone will. She then attempts to say what exactly She wants to tell Mary, But the Messages Cuts Out. The Lady In White Says She’ll try Again and Again the Message cuts out before The Lady In White can Communicate Her Message. She implores Views to Assist Her in getting Mary the Emergency.
This Brings Us full Circle back the The House that’s a Copy of Mary’s Parent’s House. It is believed The House is a Representation of Mary’s Own Mental State. The House is Mary’s Mind Plagued by The Demons of Depression, Anxiety, Regret, and Self Loathing (Low Self Esteem).
Then if the House is Mary’s Mental State Then the Garden is an Altered State like a Drug Induced High.

Below You Will Find the “Hi I’m Mary Mary” in its Entirety, but also keep in Mind that the Series is Still Currently Ongoing. Enjoy.