It was a Mildly Pleasant Summer Day in Suburban Hell when I met up with My partner in Crime Armenian who just so happened to have some Seriously Intense LSD. Since there was never anything to do (which explains all the Drug Use) in Our Tiny Town so We had to be Creative.
On this Day Armenian and I decided to visit an Acquaintance of Ours named Davey. I say acquaintance since We weren’t actually Friends, but We knew each other because We moved in the same Social Circles. I expressed the interest in seeing what Davey would be like on Acid, and thus Our Plan for the Day materialized. I called Davey who was Home and had nothing in particular to do and had No Objection to Hanging Out. Armenian and I then rode Our Dirt Bikes over to Davey’s since We had Our Driver’s Licenses, BUT Neither of Us had a Car.
We showed up at Davey’s a little after Noon to find Him tooling around on His Skateboard in His Driveway. We loitered in the Driveway contemplating what the fuck to do Next since We were in the Possession of Intense LSD, and Davey’s Parents were Home. We didn’t want to Drop Acid at Davey’s thats for fucking sure. There is nothing more awkwardly fucked up than having to Deal with Your or a Friends Parents while Your Tripping Face.
Again not have a Car impeded Our Prospects greatly to say the least. In the End We did the Only thing We could think of because the other issue at Hand was We were all Broke as Hell, and that was to take a Walk. With Our plan now in place We took the Acid, and made Our way to the Woods that bordered Davey’s Neighborhood since it was Secluded. The last thing We wanted was to be aimlessly wondering the Streets were We were vulnerable and could run into other People like Davey’s Neighbor’s, Assholes from Our High School, The Pissy Police, Little Kids, Pets, the Elderly, and Landscapers for example.
By the time We had leisurely strolled over to the Woods the Acid was beginning to kick in Big Time. The disassociating of Reality and Distortion of Time started to Set in along with the Nervous Excitement for the Hallucinatory Adventure ahead of Us. We haphazardly made Our way to a small clearing in the Woods that was utilized by The Teens of Town for Underage Drinking and Smoking Pot. Once We reached the Clearing thats exactly what We did We smoked several joints as the Acid took Full Effect.
We collectively made the Decision that We should leave the Clearing before some other Partiers Showed up. We thought it be best to head down to the near by Creek, Yet We were having a Great Deal of Trouble Locating it as Hallucinations made it Hard to get One’s bearings as You might imagine. After stumbling around and over one another We located a Path (at least at the Time it appeared to be a Path) and figured We were Lost because We hadn’t remember there was in fact a Path We could follow that would lead Us down to the Creek We were seeking for So Diligently.
As We were walking along I pulled a Bur (one of thoseCircular fuckers with all the Prongs) off of My Pant Leg. Armenian who was walking beside Me informed Me I had come in Contact with an Ass Biter. At that point I asked the Only Pertinent question Asking if said Ass Biter was Friendly or Hostile?! To My relief Armenian respond by saying that the Ass Biter in question was indeed Friendly. I looked and saw Davey walking a good bit ahead of Us and still mulling the Bur over between My fingers I thought it be absolutely fucking Hilarious to Toss the Bur at Davey.
Once I lobbed the Bur at Davey I yelled “FRIENDLY ASS BITER!” to for Shits and Giggles. Now I don’t know where Davey’s Head was at the moment I threw the Newly Dubbed Friendly Ass Biter at Him, BUT I think it was Safe to assume He wasn’t in a good Head Space. As soon as I made My Exclamation Davey turned to Look at Me and then took off as Fast as His fucking Feet could take Him off the Path and headlong into the Woods. Armenian and I called after Him letting Him know it was a Joke and He wasn’t in any danger at all, Yet Davey couldn’t be dissuaded and just kept Hauling Ass.
Armenian and I took off in pursuit of Davey but We eventually Lost sight of Him as We got more and more turned around. Then Armenian heard the sound of the Creek and thought it be a Prime spot for Davey to run off to and I agreed. We followed the sound of Flowing Water until We came to the Creek, and We found Davey standing Waist Deep in the fucking Middle of the Creek. Davey was holding completely still like a Statue all accept for His eyes which were Darting back and forth from Bank to Bank as if The Ground was Alive and expected it to Snatch Him Up at any Second.
Armenian asked Davey what exactly He was doing to which Davey replied that Friendly Ass Biters couldn’t Swim and thus were Terrified of Water. I told Davey he needed to get the fuck out of the Creek so We could find Our way out of the fucking Forrest. Davey refused to move Firmly His Ground and the more I tried to get Him out the More Davey dug Himself in. I looked at Armenian with a “What the fuck do We do Now” expression plastered across it.
Armenian to His credit snapped into Action and told Davey that the Government had be Alerted to the Plague of Friendly Ass Biters. And since the Government was made Aware of the Threat had Planes fly over all Wooded Areas and Spray a Non Toxic Anti Ass Biter Agent. This Water Based Agent had been Highly Effective as the Government had just Announced that all Friendly Ass Biter had been utterly Eradicated. Armenian’s bullshit story worked like a Charm and Davey came lumbering out of the Creek without Question.
We made Our way out of the Woods and back to Davey’s which took God knows how long to Achieve. Once at Davey’s His Dad had left to go Golfing or some other dumb ass Suburban Dad Horseshit, and His Mom was putting Davey’s Baby Brother down for a Nap. We took advantage of this and had Davey run inside and retrieve His Cordless Phone which He did flawlessly without freaking out or getting distracted, or just plain forgetting what He was doing. We managed to finally get a hold of a Friend who had access to a Car who came and Picked Us up. We then bummed a Ride to Our Local Mall, BUT thats a Story for Another Day.
Thank for Reading,
By Les Sober