misunderstanding – f-your blog

Just When I Though I’d Seen It All…..

The Other Day Started just like another with Me Battling Dogs to reach My Phone to shut off the Alarm. The Issue is the Dog’s damn well Know that when the Alarm goes off I get Up, and They get to Go Outside which also apparently includes giving Them Each a Treat. Needless to Say after a Moderate Struggle I managed to Shut the Alarm off and Let the Dogs Out (Yeah it was Me so Suck On That), and then Immediately headed into the Kitchen to Whip up some Coffee or Go Juice as it is Referred to Around these Parts.

To say I’m NOT a Morning Person is the Understatement of the fucking Millennium and I wish I was Joking. The Rule is NO ONE is to talk to Me for a Full Hour after I get Up because While I look Awake and with it I am More or Less running on Autopilot. Unfortunately for Me a Man born without a Patient Bone in His Entire fucking Body Our Heavily used Keurig Shit the Bed quite a While Ago so My Wife started Using a French Press. So taking Several Technological Steps backwards I put the Kettle on the Stove, and Turned the Knob to Ignite the Flame since We use Natural Gas for Cooking (and to Heat Our Tankless Hot Water Heater). The Pilot Light was Crackling Away like a fucking Downed Power Line, but Alas there was No Flame to Speak Of. Annoyed by this Inconvenience I started Turning the Other Knobs in an Attempt to get One out the Four to Ignite and Agin My Efforts were Thwarted.

My Anger Kicked in like a fucking Jet Engine Revving Up as the Idea of My Precious Coffee being Delayed even if for only a Few Minutes Enraged Me to No End. It was then that it Occurred to Me that I literally could Not Remember the Last Time I called the GAs Company to Refill Our Tank. Needless to Say I was Now under the Unacceptable assumption that We had fucked up by Not Monitoring the Level of Gas in he Tank , and Thus We must have simply Run Out of Gas. This would be a Royal Pain in the Ass Trust Me. The Gas Company is called Edisto and They are Nothing Short of a Bad Joke. In all Honesty it is BY FAR the Most Half Assed Operation I have Ever Witnessed and I’ve seen Plenty during the Course of My Life. A Quick Example of Edisto’s Ineptitude Ironically was When We Scheduled a Refill for Our Tank and When the Day Arrived the Edisto Employee Didn’t. The Good Old No Call No Show Routine. I called Edisto and Explained what happened and They Apologized and Said They’d Send someone out Right Away. Again No One Came without Any Notice Whatsoever. I called Edisto a Third fucking time, and the Third Time was the Charm as They Say, and at Last I got a Refill.

I ventured out onto the Front Porch and for Some Reason I still Don’t rightfully Understand Instead of going Left to Exit the Porch. You see I’d have to Walk from the Porch around to the side of the House where the Gas Tank is, Yet instead I cut Right because You can See (but Not Access) the Gas Tank from there. I leaned over the Railing and Turned My Head towards the Gas Tank I wasn’t at all Prepared for what I saw Next. The Gas Tank was Gone. The Four Cement Blocks it Sat On where still there along with the Disconnected Gas Line but the Gas Tank Itself had for all Intents and Purposes Up and fucking Disappeared.

It was in that Brief Moment I learned what the Saying “Does Not Compute” actually meant as My Brain was so Scrambled by Confusion I initially had No fucking Clue what to do or what I should do next. It’s was total Mindfucking Clusterfuck as My Eyes relayed to the Brain the Gas Tank was in Fact No Longer where it Should Be, and My Brain just Couldn’t grasp the Concept. In all Favor something like a Gas Tank (which is 6 Feet Long, Standing 4 Feet High, and made of Steel) is something You would Never even Consider a Possibility. It would be like walking Out of Your House in the Morning to Find Your 2 Car Garage Missing, or Perhaps Your Driveway suddenly Vanished without a Trace.

As I scanned the Yard still in a complete State of Shock and Awe I noticed there were a Distinct set of Truck Tire Tracks running across My Front Lawn. They Truck Tracks ran From the Middle of My Driveway across My Front Lawn and Ended by where the Gas Tank had Previously been for the last Four fucking Years. Undoubtedly I did experience a Moment of Panic mixed with Extreme Anxiety where I though the Gas Tank had been Stolen. I was Equally aware that the Idea that Someone Stole it made Abosolutely No fucking Sense Whatsoever. Beside being Big, Bulky, and Heavy as Hell the Metal that the Gas Tank is Constructed with has Zero Scrap Value like say Copper Wiring/Pipes. It was as Mr. Spock Would Say “Illogical”. Even though the Whole thing Defied Logic it was abundantly Clear that the ONLY Culprit could be the Edisto. Why the fuck They took My Gas Tank without Notice or Warning still baffled Me. I thought it was Safe to assumed it must have to do with Money even though We hadn’t bought Gas Forever so How could We owe Them a Goddamn Dime?!

Out of Sheer Bewilderment I called My Mother. I figured that having spent a Majority of Her Life Living in a Small Town in the South might have some Information on the Subject at Hand. When I spoke with Her She had No Clue Either What Possibly could be Going On and Said I should Call the Police. There was No Way in Hell I was going to (at least at this point or perhaps as a LAST Resort) call the Cops to Report My Gas Tank had Gone Missing. Calling the Police before Contacting the Gas Company seemed Foolish. I then Texted a Picture of the Vacant Area where the Gas Tank had been, and a brief Synopsis as to what had Occurred to My Wife who was at Work at the Time since it was Mid Morning. She Texted Me Back that Granted the Situation was Bizarre and that We Needed to call The Gas Company. Then being the Angel that She is asked if I wanted Her to call Them, and since I still felt Half Asleep, Denied My Glorious Cup of Coffee, and Befuddled Beyond Belief said Yes. I can say with One Hundred Percent Honesty that if I had called the Call would have broken down into a Serious Shit Show because in My Current State of Mind My Anger would Undoubtedly Rear its Ugly Head.

It only took about Ten Minutes Before My Wife Called Me with the Missing Pieces of the Missing Gas Tank Puzzle. It turned Out that it Never Occurred to Us that We didn’t Actually Own the Gas Tank even though it was There When We Bought the fucking House. Apparently the Gas Company Owns it and Charges Us a Five Dollar a Month Rental Fee which We were also Utterly Ignorant of. According to the Gas Company We hadn’t need a Refill since and I kid You Not Early 2019, BUT We hadn’t Paid the Rental Fee and They came and Repossessed Their Equipment. First of All We were Never informed of this Rental Charge (Neither was My Mother which Blew My Mind that Even She wasn’t Aware), but that Makes Sense considering the Gas Company is a Prime Example of How NOT to Run a fucking Business. I also riffled through the Past Years Bills, and Low and Behold there wasn’t a Single fucking Bill from the Gas Company pertaining to an Over Due Rental Fee Situation.

In the End My Wife Paid Off Our Bill in Full, and by some Odd Twist of Fate somehow was Talked into Buying a Hundred and Fifty Gallons of Natural Gas. I’ve never been a Science Whiz so I’m not even Sure How the fuck You Measure a Gas in Gallons Since the Gallon is a Unit of Measurement Used for Measuring Liquids. Also if We use so Little Natural Gas that We went Damn Near Two Years on a Full Tank means with a Hundred a Fifty Gallons of Natural Gas We have More Then We could Ever fucking Use for the Rest of Our Lives. The Amazingly Strange thing to Me is in Spite of a True Comedy of Errors the Gas Company still some how Managed to make a Sale. I also thought to Myself that if the Gas Company Guy had Knocked on the Door I could have Paid Him right Then and There and all of the Bullshit wouldn’t have been Necessary. Needless to Say the Gas Company wasted its Own Time, Gasoline, and Man Hours having Their Employee take the Tank without trying to collect Payment First Firsthand. All I know is I wasn’t the Only Person Pissed Off about How this Scenario was Handled because when the Gas Company Guy Returned to Return and Hook up the Tank He looked Madder than a Motherfucker. He really Should have Tried Knocking on the Door.

Thanks For Reading,

By Les Sober

Where Ever You Go There You Are

It’s No Secret that I have a Extremely Low Opinion of the Human Race and People in General. I avoid People as much as fucking possible unless I absolutely have to Interact with Them. Recently a Friend of Mine had a Falling Out with one of Their Long Time Friends, and when I heard the Story I gave My Honest, Straight to the Point, No Holds Barred Opinion since I Don’t Pull My Punches. After We talked My Friend suggested I write a Post about it, and so here I am Doing just That.

The Backstory: My Buddy Who I will call “Bob” got a Text from His Long Time Friend I will call “Phil” who unbeknownst to Bob had totally fucked up His Life in Texas. So being one of those People that Blames Everything and Everybody for Their shitty Life, BUT THEMSELVES. That being so Phil decided to up and move to Florida. Phil believes that His moving would Magically Fix everything Wrong in His Life just by Relocating. The Problem is Phil hasn’t figured out the fact that Wherever You Go You There You Are. Point being You can’t out run Your Problems because You are the One creating the Perceived Problems, and until You work out Your issues They will stick with You no matter where the fuck You may Go.

The problem arose when after Impulsively agreeing to let Phil and His Girlfriend crash at His House Bob resized He had made a Mistake. In all due Favor Phil contacted Bob and informed Him of His Situation a mere 3 Hours before planning to arrive at Bob’s House. Phil also just fucking Assumed that Bob would Automatically let Him, His Girlfriend, and all Their Stay at His House. With COVID running amok across America, and a Wife with Pre Existing Medical Conditions Bob realized it be Far too Dangerous (not to mention Idiotic as all Hell) for Phil to Stay with Him. Bob felt bad and Offered to Pay for Phil’s Hotel Room, and Apologized Profusely for His Mistake/Lapse in Judgment, and here is the Final Text Phil sent Bob before Cutting Off all Further Communication.

“Never blamed the virus on you, but still can’t believe that we were turned away after 2 days of hell on the road. I’ve known you for almost 20 years and “Roberta”(Bob’s Wife) for almost 10 years, it’s not like I’m a total stranger. I know she (Roberta) has never met Amanda (Phil’s Girlfriend), but she is super cheerful and careful because I also have a weakened immune system. We don’t take this Virus Lightly. Can’t believe you couldn’t vouch for us after all we’ve been through and hate that you’re controlled all the time. I know the virus is scary but we were trusting you enough to stay over at your house. Evidently there was no trust in return.”

Well Holy Motherfucking Shit this Text is so Twisted and Ass Backwards I barely Know where the fuck to begin, so I’ll just Start at the Beginning.

Phil starts with the Statement that He doesn’t Blame the Virus on Bob well isn’t that fucking Nice of Him. Phil then bitches/Complains about He’s “Hellish” road trip from Texas to Florida. That has absolutely NOTHING to do with Bob at all as Bob didn’t tell You to move or to relocate to Florida that was all Phil’s doing. Phil just comes off like a whiny little Brat who gets angry if He can’t do whatever it is He wants to do which for a grown man is Utterly Pathetic to say the least.

The Next point of Phil’s about being friends with Bob for 20 years and shit is Ridiculous. If Phil was actually as Good a Friend as He apparently claims to be (not to mention for 20 fucking years) He’d understand why Bob had to change His Plan. I mean it’s just A GLOBAL PANDEMIC where America has become the Epicenter , and the Fact Phil was coming from one of the Worst COVID States in the Nation doesn’t Help His argument. That and He stopped over in Mississippi where a shit ton of People like Phil use as the Half Way Point it too is a Highly Infectious Area. The lastly Phil is traveling through Florida yet another Entire fucking State that’s a fucking Hotspot. SO to recap Phil went from Texas to a Well Used Half way stopping point for other COVIDIOTS, and then Travels through Half of Florida just to get to Bob’s House.

Talk about High fucking Risk, and as far as I know Phil nor His Girlfriend where following Coronavirus Protocol like Social Distancing or Wear a goddamn Mask. For All Anyone Knows Phil didn’t practice the recommended Safety Protocols at all, and could have encountered/Interacted/Hung Out with Who fucking knows how many People during his 48 hours on the Road. Not like Any of US was There.

Phil then makes the utterly Asinine comment that He “Isn’t a Stranger” as if that means that some how by Knowing Bob thats means Phil and His Girlfriend aren’t an High Risk Factor for Infection. The Fact Their Friends doesn’t even Factor into it, it was just a way of Phil trying to make Bob feel Guilty. Guilty for what exactly for Protecting His Wife and Himself from again A MOTHERFUCKING GLOBAL PANDEMIC that has KILLED over 138,ooo fucking Americans Alone?! Trying to manipulate Your Friend with Guilt to Me means They were Never a Real Friend to fucking begin with, I mean who the fuck does that Immature Childish Shit?!!

Then Phil talks about His Girlfriend who first and foremost is allegedly a Very Cheerful Person. Oh I’m fucking Sorry is being fucking Cheerful a Coronavirus Deterrent, NO IT FUCKING ISN’T. Phil’s Girlfriend’s cheerfulness is a COMPLETELY MOOT POINT as it means fuck all in this Situation. Then Phil say His Girlfriend is Careful, and I’m calling BULLSHIT BIGT IME on that Stupid Statement. If She was in Fact Careful then She would have stayed Self Quarantined in Texas, and Not Travel 2 Days across some of the Most Infected fucking Areas there are Currently. She would have realized the UNNECESSARY and Dangerous Risk a Trip like that would Pose. Traveling was the RISKIEST thing to do during a fucking Global Pandemic, and the Safest would to be to Stay Put and Self Quarantine. Careful My Ass.

Phil then adds to the Idiocy buy saying that He has a Weakened Immune System or Pre Exisiting Condition which make Him at the Highest Rick of Coronavirus Infection. Again with a weakened Immune system WHY THE FUCK would You take a 2 Day Road Trip? That makes ZERO SENSE and was an Incredible Stupid thing to do. Also if His Girlfriend was careful She would have NEVER allowed Him to Leave, BUT She didn’t She went with Him. Phil then has the balls to claim that He and His Girlfriend don’t take the Virus Lightly well Again We see Phil’s Actions are the EXACT OPPOSITE of what He’s Claiming. Not to Beat a Dead Horse, BUT taking a fucking Road Trip currently IS THE GODDAMN EPITOME of taking it Lightly.

The Phil mentions Bob not Vouching for Him, but Vouching for what Exactly?! Vouching that Phil is Trustworthy, a Good Employee, or that He’s COVID Free in spite of the Extenuating Circumstances?! There’s No fucking Context so the whole Vouching For deal is Nonsensical Horseshit. Then Phil claims that Bob is “Controlled all the Time” whatever the fuck that means. What Bob is being controlled by Aliens, Evil Spirits, The New World Order, The Military, The Government, CIA, or Some Evil Entity?! Serious what the fuck is Phil babbling about here I have No fucking Idea I just know its 100% Irrelevant to the Conversation.

Finally right at the very fucking end of His Lengthy Text Phil admits or Acknowledges that the Coronavirus is indeed Scary. Well thats News to Me since Phil’s Actions Speak FAR LOUDER than His Feeble Words. Then all of a Sudden Phil Says “We Were Trusting You to Stay at Your House” like Bob, His Wife or His House was the Safety Issue?! It’s Phil and His Girlfriend that Pose the Threat to Bob and His Wife, Yet Phil seems to be trying some Role Reversal Tactic which is a SERIOUS PUNKASS BITCH OF A MOVE. Then Phil goes back to attempting to Guilt Bob with the last line pertaining to Trust.

Phil has the fucking Nerve to bring up the Subject of Trust? If I was Friends with Someone for 20 fucking Years I’d Trust though They may be Disappointed They would TOTALLY UNDERSTAND Why. The Fact Phil is Bitching, Guilt Tripping, and All Out Arguing the Facts around the Pandemic thats Affecting goddamn Everything (Not just Phil although He seems to Feel He is the Only Asshole on the Planet. Hey Phil YOUR NOT ALONE) just make Phil look like a Really Shitty Friend. Phil is being so Shitty over the Situation most People would immediately reconsider Their Friendship with Phil. Who wants a So Called Friend that Acts like an ABSOLUTE AND UTTER SELFISH SELF CENTERED FUCKWIT??? Phil need to get the fuck Over Himself, Man Up, and Take Responsibility for His Life Not Running Around picking Fights with His Friends for Fuck’s Sake.

More Proof People are fucking Idiots. I seriously wonder Sometimes how the hell Humanity has made it this fucking Far without Going Extinct due to Our Own Mistakes, Behavior, and Overall Shitty Attitude. We Pollute the Water, Air and Land while Killing Off Entire Species, and Constantly Trying to Kill Each other its Amazing Humanity has somehow (I assume due to Dumb Luck) hasn’t Gone the Way of the Dinosaurs.

Thanks For Reading,

By Les Sober

“I’m Missing Two Legs.”

The other night on the way home from the grocery store (where My Wife and I had gone specifically to get shit for dinner) got lazy and went the Fast Food Route. We opted for Fried Chicken.

We pulled up to the Drive Thru Menu, and the Drive Thru Girl did the whole whole Hey how the hell are you, How’s the kids, Welcome to this Fast Food joint, and What do you want today bullshit.

We told her that we would like an 8 piece Dinner. The Girl mumbled something I really have no fucking clue what the hell she actually said. Now We could hear all the back round noise of the kitchen and shit so we couldn’t figure out who exactly the Girl was talking to us or a fellow employee. It was quite unclear.

We waited a minute or two and then repeated the original order. The reply we got from the Drive Thru Girl was this one statement:

“I’m missing two legs.”

My Wife and I had no idea what to make of this so my wife asked her to repeat what she had said and again it was “I’m missing two legs.”

This miscommunication goes on for just shy of 5 minutes where My Wife keeps attempting to clarify what the fuck this statement turned mantra was all about. The Entire time all the Girl said was I’m missing two legs.”

I was sitting there just as puzzled as my Wife and I started to wonder myself what the whole two legs statement means since the problem was we were missing any and all context.

I began thinking is this Girl handicapped and really wants me to know it for some bizarre reason? Did she just kill her Manager, dismember the Corpse, and now realized as she is bagging up the body that the legs are missing? Did she just suddenly look down and her fucking legs were missing? Was she an Amputee who had misplaced her prosthetic legs at work while sitting and working the Drive Thu?

In the end the explanation is more than anti-climactic.

What the Girl was trying in her own absurd way was this:

By “I” was We as in The Restaurant itself.

By “Missing” She meant Out Of

And By Legs she meant Drumsticks.

so “I’m missing two legs.” translated into “We (the Restaurant) are Out of Drumsticks, Can We make a substitution for you?”

She was also referencing that an 8 piece bucket of said Fried Chicken contains 2 Breasts, 2 Thighs, 2 Wings, and 2 Legs. Which when I thought about it made perfect sense.

What? Oh I know what your thinking and Your thinking well Duh no shit Sherlock.

Well as basic the answer is I had never spent any time (not a single second of my many, many years on this planet) contemplating the exact contents of a 8 piece bucket of Fried fucking Chicken, and the ratio of the various Chicken’s Parts.

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober

Its Called Karma You Kreaton

I was down in The Great Southern Swamp for some hellish holiday shit when something rather odd happened.

My Wife and I were driving back to our temporary base camp when I saw a something peculiar out of the corner of my eye. I asked my Wife to hold up ,and turn into the small empty parking lot of some small business. I had her drive down to the far end and park. I got out and peered around the corner to see exactly what the fuck I saw because it look bizarrely different.

What I saw was an average run of the fucking mill garbage can (the one with a flip lid and rear wheels), BUT what was cool was someone had tagged the garbage can with yellow spray paint. The Artist had written the message “NCAH Will Bite You” on all 4 sides of the garbage can no less, and then topped it all off with a caveman like hieroglyph of what appeared to be some sort of cat looking animal. I decided it was odd enough I was going to take a few pictures to document the weirdness when I hear my Wife say “He’s just taking a picture.”

I stood up as I had squatted down for a better shot to see sizable Veterinary Technician lording over me. The big bald bastard must have been about 6’3″ or so 200 some odd pounds and was standing in front of me bowing his chest out. He had his arms hanging at his sides all tensed up like he was about to lunge at me, and all that macho male posturing primal bullshit. On top of it all the big son of a bitch was staring me down hardcore glaring at me like I told him to go fuck his mom.

I couldn’t figure out why the hell my taking a picture of a fucking garbage had illicit such a aggressive reaction. Second I thought fuck him in his big bald bitch ass the big bald bastard. So I stood up and simple explained the obvious that I saw the garbage can, thought it was rather bad ass, and wanted to take picture. This Big Bastard stood there not saying a fucking thing just glaring at me like I’m the asshole.

So I attempted to chat with the Big Bald Bitch because at this point I had no fucking idea what the hell was going on with this fucking whack job. He just kept up the silent tough guy like a hollywood action movie cliche. Finally the Bald fuck says “Its (the small business was) a Veterinary Clinic.”, and then went stone cold silent again like a shitty statue. I asked who NCAH meant to see if it was a place, organization, or business perhaps at which point the Big Bitch informs me it stands for NORTH CAL ANIMAL HOSPITAL in a cocksucking condescending tone of voice before going back to scowling at me.

Well I knew at this point there wasn’t fuck all I could do to reason with this Big Bald Bastard so it was time for me to get the hell home. I was half way back to the car when I turned around (still walking mind you) and said something like “I don’t see why your such an asshole… I just wanted a picture because its a cool picture I didn’t tag it you miserable fuck…You didn’t need to be a dick but you did you fucking asshole…fuck you, fuck off with that bullshit…Fucker…”

I get in the car as my Wife is telling the Big Bald Bitch that we’re leaving, when the Big Son of a Bitch say quite loudly “Why did it have to be that way??!” His question boggled my mind as I tried to figure out how big of a motherfucking ignorant idiot he really was. I couldn’t help myself and I yelled back “YOU DECIDED TO BE A FUCKING DICK, AND I DIDN’T TAKE YOUR MACHO BULLSHIT THATS WHY ASSHOLE.”

I can’t believe their actually People that are apparently like this gentlemen are simply too fucking stupid to live, how have they lasted this long honestly??!!

Thanks for the READ,

Les Sober

Its All A Matter Of Perspective

I just bought a new property somewhere in Podunkville East Cackalacki and hired a new contractor (not new per say he’s worked with my family on a myriad of projects, but this is the 1st time he will be working with us) named Rock EnRoll. When I was returning home I texted Rock the following text:

“The side gate by the pond in open”

All that meant was exactly what it said as its only value is face value.

Rock called back in less than 90 seconds and was all worked up talking so fast all I heard was his thick as tar southern accent. I was a tad bit stoned and rather exhausted so I handed the phone to my Wife stating to Rock she was the one who locked the property up.

As it turns out Rock doesn’t text and a rule of thumb is you shouldn’t text Rock. This is because in this small part of the country people keep their fucking cell phones in their pockets out in public (that includes placing their phone on table as if to say, “I swear I won’t check it every 2 fucking seconds to see if I got a text or a fucking FaceBook like for the picture of my goddamn dog in a cowboy hat.”) Now due to this technology differential Rock, among many if not almost all, have no idea or concept on/for interpreting the context of the text. I’ll explain.

Rock received the text, read it and interpreted it as some James Bond 007 super secret 911 code for an emergency AND he needed his help immediately. Why did he draw this conclusion I have truly no idea to be blatantly honest.

I mean when Rock read it did he possible think one or more of the following issues was at hand:

My Wife or I had had a severe and most likely life threatening accident.
There were hostile renegade poachers attacking from the cover of the woods.
A Home Invasion was going down complete with guys in ski masks and machine guns
My Wife and I were battling insane Moonshiner’s over still site(s)
Ali Baba and his 40 thieves were attempting to steal shit.
Wife and I were being “TAKEN” by Liam Neeson.
Wife and I were being abducted by Aliens.
Viciously rabid woodland creatures were surrounding my Wife and I.
The house was engulfed in flame and my Wife and I were stuck upstairs.
My Wife, The House and I were being swallowed up by a sinister sink hole.
Leatherface was running at us with his Chainsaw revving up like a fighter jet engine.
The Hills Have Eyes.
Cannibals were trying to kill us and turn us into BBQ.
Bigfoot was real and holding us hostage.
My Wife and I were in fact secret agents for the CIA and were being targeted by either the drug cartels, mafias, gangs, terrorists or foreign evil governments, and needed impromptu assistancte/help.

That though is only the first part, the second being the gate open part. If we were in fact in immediate danger of some sort why the hell didn’t we say so?! You’d think in an emergency we’d texted “HELP!”, “HELP US”, “911 EMERGENCY!”, “ACCIDENT! Need Help” or “Come Quick we’re in life threatening danger!!” but I didn’t text anything remotely like that that could be misinterpreted or at least that what I thought when I sent the text.

What about the gate being open?! Did Rock think this message of the gate by the pond is open was code for “Help Us, Come Quick! the side gate is open so you can access the property and swoop in and save us from whatever the hell you think the trouble is!”

Well I will never know how a simple one sentence text was thought to be a coded plea for help in a direly dangerous and potentially violent emergency , BUT I did learned my lesson, NO MORE TEXTING ROCK.

The PCP Party and The Pizza Delivery Prank

For a period time when I was 21 I was living at my moms house spending my free time sitting on my mom’s backyard porch drinking beer with friends. One evening it was myself and three friends Drivel, Cult and Ms. Razor. In addition to a 30 pack of Red Dog they had also brought a couple of dime bags of PCP which we preceded to roll up and smoke both bags. For our millennial readers PCP was a street drug that had its 15 minutes of fame hay day in the 1970s. The Irony is PCP is a veterinary drug (can you say foreshadowing? Special K.) that was/is a horse tranquilizer ,but in humans it can cause violent, unpredictable and aggressive behavior lets just say PCP was the Bath Salts of the 70’s.

Well the night finally ended as they always do with Ms. Razor, Drivel and Cult stumbling off into the night to raise more hell by morning. I was sitting in the kitchen after turning off every single light in the house off when their was a knocking at the front door. I stood up, grabbed a 12″ butchers knife and went to answer the door. I flipped the porch light on and whipped open the door to find some teenage pizza delivery guy holding a pizza of course. When I opened the door the delivery guy jumped back a few feet and was looking as nervous as a chihuahua in a thunderstorm. I glared at him with such intensity I’m sure that between the look and large butcher’s knife he thought he was going to end up dead, devoured and have his skin worn as a smoking jacket. I demanded to know what the fuck he wanted and he replied someone ordered the pizza so obviously he’s delivering it. I informed the delivery guy that I was the only person here and I didn’t order any goddamn pizza. He replied in a shaky voice that he was wondering what the knife was for ,apologized and high tailed it the hell out of there.

Interesting prolog:

I went to the pizza place where the delivery guy worked to apologize ,but he didn’t want to come up front to get it stilling being a tad bit frazzled.
I found out over a decade later that this rancid twat of an ex girlfriend who intellectually reverted to 12 years old and decided to play the call in a fake pizza order gag.