May 1st: Malice boarded Their Tour Bus at the ass crack of Dawn and Headed for Their first Show of The Salvation & Damnation Tour in Portland Oregon which the Band was less than Thrilled about (One must remember this was long before Portland became a Hipster’s Trendy Mecca).
During the Bus Ride Malice’s Manager Harold Slickmann announced a New Album Concept he’d been working on with Guillotine Records. The Idea was to Record each of the 30 concerts and release them as Live Albums. Then once all 30 Live Show albums from the Tour were out Malice would release a “Best Of The Salvation & Damnation Tour” Compilation Album. Lastly when Christmas rolls around Malice would release a 31 Album Salvation & Damnation Tour Box Set complete with the Compilation Album.
The Band liked this idea because it was very low maintenance. No Studios, No Producers to deal with, No Editing, No ReRecording, No Fighting Over the Songs all They had to do is what They loved Best and that was Playing Live.
That Night’s Show at the Portland Supreme Sports Stadium started off with a Blast. The Crowd was beyond energetic, and Malice was on Fire as They ripped through song after song from the 4 New Records worth of Material, and They planned on playing Their older shit for the Encore. It would have worked out well accept for one major incident.
During the Solo of “Your Love is Heaven or Hell (I can’t Tell)” a Obsessed Fan ran out on Stage completely naked with a rather large Pipe Bomb strapped to his dick. The Band stopped playing as each member of the Band became aware of the Naked Guy with Explosives attached to His cock. That is They all stopped playing accept for Stevenson who continued to Solo is Ass off.
Stevenson’s cavalier attitude prompted then Bassist Maxi Padd to wonder over and join Him by backing Stevenson with a Brutal Baseline. This only excited the Naked Fan as now He effectively had His own Real Time Sound Track. Security was creeping ever so slowly towards the Naked Freak, but They weren’t happy that he was naked, and less than thrilled that His crotch was set to Explode as well.
The Audience watched enthusiastically unaware this was not a Prank that a Band Member was playing on Another. The Naked Fan was working Himself into a absolute frenzy as He started to Jack Off with the Pipe Bomb Still Attached. This caused Security, most of the Band and several of the Front rows (1 through 3) to duck for cover since No One knew if the Naked Guy Jerking Off would trigger the Pipe Bomb to Detonate.
This went on for several more minutes than anyone would have liked before the Naked Fanatic started muttering “Malice Rocks” over and over while simultaneously saying it Louder and Louder each time He said it. Then once the Man had reached the top of His Lung Capacity He Primally Screamed “MALICE ROCKS SO HARD THEY BLEW MY BALLS OFF!” and then promptly set the Pipe Bomb off.
A Large jagged piece of the Fan’s Skull flew and landed squarely landed in Stevenson’s neck causing Him to stumble around drunkenly, yet He never stopped playing during the whole ordeal. Maxi Padd in Total Shock, and abject Horror promptly dropped Her Bass and ran over to Stevenson in a attempt to help by pulling the shard of Skull from Stevenson’s Neck which is exactly what She shouldn’t have done.
With the Skull Fragment removed there was nothing keeping the deep gash in Stevenson’s Neck plugged up, and once removed Stevenson became to bleed profusely. A veritable Geyser of dark crimson blood like a Fountain that one would find in perhaps Hell. Stevenson bleed to Death in less than 90 seconds again HE NEVER STOPPED PLAYING.
Upon seeing Stevenson actually drop dead Maxi Padd was so beside Herself with Grief She committed Seppuku (also know as Harakiri also spelled Hara-Kiri) disemboweling Herself on Stage. Padd’s Body fell into the Audience where the Fans scrambled rabidly to secure a piece of the Padd’s body as a sick souvenir or Morbid Memorabilia.
Padd’s body was full directed and torn to shreds within seconds to the point that in the end all they could locate of Padd was the vast amount of Blood Splatter that was sprayed all over the Front of the Stage and Front Row.
May 2nd: With less than 12 hours before Their scheduled Show that Night in Seattle Washington at the renowned Thrillington Theater were faced with a familiar problem. The problem being the untimely Death of Guitarist Stevie “The Shill” Stevenson as well as Their Bassist (and Izzy Sane’s Girlfriend) in a tragic Fan induced incident the Night before in Portland.
Thusly Malice (at this point being just Sane and Rock) was once again tasked with replacing Band Members in a pinch. Malice didn’t have the luxury of time currently so They couldn’t hold Auditions or go out and Scout out Local Talent. Luckily Drummer Rock Harder had an Ace up His sleeve as it were. Rock had access to a very special phone number that He had sworn to only use if He absolutely had to, and Now He had to.
A Couple of Hours Later Rock reappeared with an important announcement, He had in fact hired BOTH a New Guitarist and a New Bassist in time for the Show. Not only that but the New Guys could finish out the Tour with Malice too since there was such a strict time requirement on this Tour (1 show a Night for 30 Nights.)
Singer Izzy Sane was intrigued as were Malice’s Management , and Legal Representation. Rock didn’t waste another minute and informed everyone present that He had in fact managed to land Ick and Ook Oakerlund who were currently between projects and Bands to boot.
Idk and Ook Oakerlund were Brothers who hailed from Norway, and where debatably the BIGGEST Black Metal Icons of the Time. The Oakerlund Brother’s had been in Some of the Most Popular and Controversial Black Metal Bands such as Skinned Alive, Diseased Cadaver, Jugulator, Raping Christ, Sodomy, Nay Sayer, Rotting Entrails, and Festering Sores to name a few.
The Brother’s were also Known for virtually never speaking more than 3-5 words between them, and seemed to communicate with each other Telepathically (and NO They weren’t Twins if Your wondering). They also reportedly NEVER removed Their Corpse Paint even when showering where the used Tin Foil to wrap Their heads entirely while using drinking straws to breath. This way Their Corpse Paint remained in tact.
The Oakerlund Brothers met up with Malice at Thrillington Theater since They spent a majority of the Day flying in from Their Music Studio in Their adopted Homeland of Iceland. The Show went well but with the Dying and Hiring of Malice Band Members the Crowd was confused when Malice’s Newest line up hit the Stage.
The Show was a success non the less though something was off with Izzy Sane who moped about the stage like a Heartbroken High School Freshman. This irritated Rock to no end as He thought it was highly disrespectful to the Fans in attendance. The Oakerlund Brothers seemed utterly oblivious as Ick and Ook played that Nights Set List flawlessly.
After the Show Sane was confronted by Rock who demanded to know what the fuck was going on. Sane told Rock He was still in Shock over the sudden and gruesome demise of His Girlfriend Maxi Padd the Night before. Rock told Him if Sane couldn’t handle it He should just do everyone a favor and quit since it was’t fair to the Fans if Sane couldn’t or wouldn’t be able to give 110%.
So thats exactly what Izzy did. He quit Malice on the Spot and headed off for a Life studying the Mating Habit s of African Dung Beatle. Who asked why Izzy chose Dung Beatles He said it was due to the fact that He”Felt like total Shit”
May 3rd: Malice’s next Show was scheduled for The Arctic Polar Bear Club in Anchorage Alaska. The Oakland Brothers were excited because the stark and cold wilderness of Alaska reminded Them of Their Scandinavian Stomping Ground. Though both Brothers were bummed by the fact Alaska was so close to Canada that it had previously been part of it, and The Oakerlund’s despised Canadians for being so Happy, Welcoming, Friendly, Open, and Helpful as all these things were not at all BLACK METAL.
Before the Show The Oakerlunds got rip roaring drunk on Finish Moonshine, found a veritable recluse who had a Grizzly Bear as a Pet, went to see Him at his residence, and Wrestled the Grizzly. The Grizzly tapped out twice as each Brother ended Their Bear Wrestling Bout with a wicked Submission Hold (Ick using the Viking Vice, and Ook chose The Bloody Eagle).
Pumped up from Their Grisly ass kicking Adventure headed back to the Hotel to rendezvous with the Rock who had been searching for a New Singer for the Show along with Malice Manager Harold Slickmann. They pair had decided on a Local named Murphy “Thunderbolt” Gibbons who was fronting a Local Band called Inuit’s Revenge and made Him an offer. As it were Gibbons huge Malice Fan and new all Their songs by Heart and was happy to Join.
Admittedly the addition of Gibbons helped ease the Local Fans at that Night’s performance transition into the New Line Up. 3/4ths of the Malice had been Killed (Maxi Padd and Stevie “The Shill” Stevenson) or Quit (singer Izzy Sane), and then Replaced all in the first 3 days of the current Tour.
May 4th: Considering the past few Days events Malice’s Manager called Guillotine Records to broker a deal that would allow Malice to take 3 Days off From the Road to Readjust and Regroup. With all the intense and abrupt chaos Guillotine was ready to Bargain.
The Deal that Guillotine and Slickmann was They would use Look-A-Likes for the Next 3 Shows ( 4 including that Nights Show) IF Malice consided to Recording the 4 Nights Shows worth of Material for the Albums in Lou of Their time off from the Tour. Slickmann reviewed the Deal to Malice over Brunch (which the Band referred to as Breakfast since none of Them woke up before 10:30 am on average)
Malice was thrilled to hear about the arrangement and all agreed that They would spend the entire Day recording so They could then have the next 72 hours strait to Themselves. Malice asked the Hotel’s concierge where the most promenade recording studio was located since no one was Familiar with Anchorage. The Concierge told Malice that Arctic Circle Studios was considered to be the Best recording studio in Anchorage.
Malice called over to Arctic Circle and booked the whole a Day’s worth of Recording time. After 23 hours and 47 minutes after entering the Studio Malice walked out triumphant having recorded all 4 Albums worth of material in a Extreme Non Stop Recording Marathon.
Malice spent the next 3 Days drinking at all the Local Bars, Elk Hunting, Learning about Inuit Culture, Facing Canada Intoxicatedly and screaming insults, and participating in Team Building Exercises.
May 8th: That Nights Show at the Sensational Stadium in Pierre South Dakota was a mega success by anyones standards. The three days the Band spent getting acquainted paid off in dividends.
The only issue facing that Nights performance was the presence of Mormon Protesters who were there to condemn Malice’s music as “Satan’s Soundtrack.
Upon arrival The Ockerlund Brother’s clashed instantly with the Protesters as They (as many Black Metal Musicians) despised and detested Christianity in all its forms. The Ockerlund Brothers taunted the Protesters by holding up Inverted Crosses, Drenching Bibles in Goat Blood, and hurling insults in Their native Norwegian. Finally the Ockerlund’s were escorted backstage to separate the two feuding factions, and end the confrontation as peacefully as possible.
As the Show raged on through the Night with Malice playing so intently passionate Rock repeatedly broke His Drum Sticks as The Ockerlund Brothers snapped string after string on Their Guitars. Murphy was so amped He ditched the Microphone in favor of SCREAMING the lyrics as loud as humanly possible. Malice ended Their set with Their huge hit “The Oral Moral” as the crowd surged excitedly singing along.
Malice ended up doing 17 encores that Night. During the Final Song Malice Played was “Frisky Kitty” which literally had the Crowd jumping up and down as the Fans became more and more enthusiastic.
What no one could have anticipated was that there was in fact a HUMUNGOUS Sinkhole sitting just a few feet below the Stadium Parking Lot. And No One would have ever know about the Sinkhole if it was for the unfortunate exuberance of the Fans in attendance.
The Fans ruckusness shook the ground mimicking a Small Earthquake which caused the shallow ground above the Abyss of a Sinkhole to collapse suddenly and quite unexpectedly. As a result of the Sinkhole Cave In the entire group of 117 Mormon Protesters fell into the cavernous Sinkhole to NEVER been seen again.
Ick couldn’t help himself, and made the comment that The Protesters had discovered an Express Route to Hell.
May 9th: Malice’s Tour Bus rolled into the parking lot The Excelsior Hotel in Saint Paul Minnesota just in time for the Hotel’s Complimentary Happy Time Cocktail Hour. During the Complimentary Cocktail Hour the Members of Malice consumed $1,157 worth of Tequila Shots, $2.289 worth of Vodka, $3,345 worth of Finest Whiskeys, $46,471 worth of Beer, and $593 worth of Gin.
When the Complimentary Happy Hour ended promptly at 6 pm on the dot Malice retired to Their Rooms and dark the Mini Bars dry. The Band then utilized Room Service to run up an Additional $128,992 on Their Tab. By the time Malice’s Tour Bus pulled up to take Them to the Show Each Member of the Band was 14 times the Legal Limit.
The Show was cut short only 6 songs in by The Minnesota State Police who had been tipped off that The Ockerlund Brothers had planned to Decapitate a Cow with a Customized Bovine Guillotine. The Police detained and hauled the Brothers off to the Police Station for Questioning.
By the end of the Questioning The Ockerlund Brother’s were cut free without being charged with a crime since the Cow wasn’t on the premises (the Cattle Rancher’s Cattle Trailer Hitch broke) the Giant Cow Sized Guillotine was classified as a Stage Prop.
Malice spent the rest of Their Night in Minnesota consuming Dairy Products until They all became Lactose Intolerant.
May 10th: Malice was summoned to Their Manager Harold Slickmann’s Suite for an impromptu Band Meeting. Slickmann had received a call from Malice’s Record Label Guillotine Records earlier that morning.
The Label’s Representative a Man by the Name of Gerold Spindle had phoned Slickmann FURIOUS after the Label received a Copy of the previous Nights Police Report. The fact The Ockerlund Brother’s had planned on using a Guillotine of all fucking things in Their Illegal Cattle Decapitation that there would be a highly Negative Association between the Band and Guillotine Records.
Thus Guillotine was Terminating any and all contracts with the Band effective immediately. The Label cited several breaches of Contract and again stated that the Label wanted NOTHING to do with an impending Scandal or Association with Malice. Guillotine ended the conversation by reminding Slickmann that They could but wouldn’t be pressing charges of Their own.
Slickmann was a man who fully believed in being prepared with not just 1 back up Plan but Numerous Ones to cover more or all of the Bases. Since Malice had had issue with Their previous Label Razorback Records Slickmann had devised a plan incase future conflicts arose involving Malice and Their Record Label.
Slickmann had already been shopping around for Other Alternate Offers from competing Record Labels, and had a replacement already in place. Slickmann had brokered a Deal with Rabid Records that if for any reason Malice wanted or needed a New Record Label that Rabid Records would have the first shot. And Rabid took the Shot and sure as Hell didn’t miss.
Rabid had the financing to keep the Scheduled Tour on the Road, Produce the 30 Live Concert Albums from the Tour, and They said it didn’t matter that Malice only played a total of 6 songs last night as They would still release the 6 song set as an EP in limited number (to drive up the Price and Profits.)
Malice signed on the dotted line and prepared for that Nights Show. The concert went smoothly and without a single issue or incident which was a well welcomed change. Malice took the Stage at 8 pm and Walked off stage for the last time that night at 4am the following morning. They’re Decathlon of a Concert SHATTERED the current American Record for Longest Live Show ( of 4 hours set by Bruce Springsteen) by DOUBLE.
May 11th: Malice spent the Day before Their concert at Stephen King Stadium in Augusta Maine Lobster Fishing, Clamming, Hunting/Trapping, and Binge Drinking. While in the Forrest Ook found a patch of Hallucinatory Mushrooms and picked them for later that Night.
Before the Show Malice was lounging around Their dressing room when Ook brought out the fat sack of Shrooms, and divided them amongst the Band who happily gobbled them down vigorously. By the time Malice took the stage They were tripping Their collective asses off not to mention teetering on the brink of Alcohol Poisoning.
The Ockerlund Brothers were so fucked up that They started playing songs from Bastardized which happened to be one of Their former Bands. Murphy was lit as well, but He was a Big Time Bastardized Fan and knew all the words to Their songs so He started singing along. Meanwhile Rock had no choice but to hang in and learn the songs on the spot in a true trial by fire.
As for the Fans they too were insanely intoxicated and didn’t seem to mind that they were at a Malice concert, Yet the Band was playing only Bastardized Covers.
Now while the Band and Audience thoroughly enjoyed Themselves Slickmann was worried about the reaction from Malice’s band new record Label Rabid Records would be once They found out that there was a concert but the song content wasn’t actually Malice’s.
It didn’t take long for Slickmann to get His answer. Slickmann was called to the White Courtesy Phone where a gentlemen calling Himself Boozy informed Slickmann Rabid had in fact become aware of the situation at hand, and had no problem with it. Rabid said they would simply market the Album as some sort of Themed Concert or some shit.
Slickmann was so relieved He ate a handful of Shrooms to Relax along with doing a Bottle of Scotch.
May 12th: Malice headed to Albany in New York State for Their show that Night at the Albany Amphitheater. The Show was going to be a bit different as Malice had been booked to play a Private Corporate Event for The National Nudists Network of North America’s Annual All Nude Fetish Festival.
Malice mulled around Their Hotel pissed They were in New York State and Not New York City until They took the stage at 7:30 that Evening. Unbeknownst to the Band or the Festival Promoter a wayward Hippy Through back named Dr. Ecstasy had been tail gaiting all day in the parking lot. While tail gating Dr. Ecstasy had spent His time using an Old T-shirt Cannon He had purchased some time ago to Launch Loads of Capsules (filled with Pharmaceutical Grade MDMA) into the large Crowd dispersing them throughout the entire evening’s Audience.
This made for a very Zen show that was until Malice played Their number One Power Ballad “You Stole My Heart”. The Audience was so overwhelmed by the tune a spontaneous Orgy erupted and spread through the Audience like a Sex Fueled Wild Fire. Before anyone knew it the Concert had transformed into LITERALLY the World Record Orgy with 1,500 furiously fucking Fans.
The Police had actually shown up an Hour before the end of the Show but had failed to shut it down prematurely. The Police had been held up slipping and sliding in Bodily Fluids to effectively do Their job. Luckily the Band left the stage, stripped naked Themselves and simple walked out of the Amphitheater without accruing any Criminal Charges.
May 13th: Malice arrived in Orlando Florida for that Night’s Show at The Forever Disney Theater located in the Disney World Theme Park. Malice was quite confused as Disney wasn’t exactly target audience, and the Ockerlund Brothers were enraged by all the Cartoon Cuteness calling Disney a Dismal Display of Deplorable People.
To add to the Confusion the Concert was scheduled to start at 4:30pm that Afternoon which was half an hour before Happy Hour which further angered The Band. The Band showed up at the Venue at 3:45pm for Sound Check. The Theater while sufficient is size was painted in vibrant Pastel colors and was heavily plastered with Disney Icon’s from a variety of Their Movies.
Needless to say The Ockerlund Brothers almost stormed off in protest refusing to play the Show, but were talked down by Slickmann who offered a Night of Boozing, Drugging, and Hookers if The Brothers would play the show.
Malice walked out on Stage at 4:30pm as planned to a dead quiet Theater. All the Seat were filled, but all the Fans were sitting in absolute silence. Malice was rather creeped out by the unyielding silence. Slickmann who was just as confused as the Band signaled Murphy to start the Show while he looked into what exactly was going on. Murphy struck up the band on Slickmann’s cue and launched into a lively version of “Luck of The Ladies”, and still the audience sat motionless and mute as a motherfucker.
Slickmann tracked down the Disney Rep in charge of scheduling and demanded to know what the fuck was going on. Slickmann wanted to know if this was some kind of joke like fucking Candid Camera (the OG Punk’d) or was this some asshole fucking with Malice because They didn’t like them or WHAT?!!
The Disney Rep named Kingsley explained to a baffled Slickmann that the concert was being put on as a Charity Event for the Silent Night which was an organization that worked with the Deaf. Slickmann more twisted than ever asked if this was in fact a concert FOR the Deaf to which Kingsley replied in a word Yes.
Slickmann was on the verge of a massive coronary when he exasperatedly inquired to why in the name of all things Metal would some one put on a Charity Concert at Disney World for Deaf People. It looked like a monumental dick move. Kingsley replied that the Charity believed that Deaf People shouldn’t be treated any differently than anyone else, and this concert was more of a Testimony to Their Motto than an actual viable Concert.
Regardless Malice finished the show, and though there was no indication from the audience went on to play 4 encores. Once Malice found out what was going on They too were confused as fuck, but still very glad They had played anyway.
May 14th: Malice found Themselves in Wilmington Delaware scheduled to play a show at Delaware River Fair Grounds. When Malice arrived They were met by a Gang of Neo Nazi Skinheads who had showed up to start shit. Apparently the Nazi Numbshits thought Malice’s music was Lame as Fuck, and The Band Members were Hollywood Pussies.
Regardless of the unwanted Nazi Nutsacks Malice managed to circumvent the Gang of Racist Assholes, and mad it back stage without a problem. Once Malice took the stage though the Nazi Scumbags rushed the stage in an attempt to beat up the Band.
Malice was ready and broke into an extended Speed Metal Version of The Dead Kennedy’s “Nazi Punks Fuck Off” which whipped the Crowd into a Anti-Nazi Rally as The Fans proceeded to beat the Holy Hell out of every last one of the Skindhead shitfuckers into a Free ride in an Ambulance.
Malice again wasn’t charged with any Crime or Criminal Behavior because the Neo Nazi Nitwits were obviously the unwanted aggressors, and Malice hadn’t actually physically in gauged the Nazi Numbskulls. That and fending off an attack by racist asshats with a Song amused the Cops to No End, and used it to antagonize Their Swastika Loving Prisoners.
May 15th: Malice spent the Day on the Road traveling to that night’s show at The Tough Luck Club in downtown Austin Texas. When Malice arrived They skipped Hotel checkin and drove directly to the Club.
When Malice pulled up to the Club they were immediately unhappy with the Venues size. Malice felt that since Austin was a Major City that playing a show at a Smaller Club that only held 500 People was a fucking unjust and insulting.
Slickmann maned the phones scrambling to see if the Bands Label Rabid Records could possibly find a more fitting venue for Malice to play that Evening, but Rabid said they had been unaware of the insufficient booking. And since Rabid had only found this error out just a few hours before the show was scheduled to start there was nothing They could do. They did take the opportunity to shit talk Guillotine Records since they technically were responsible for the shitty booking.
Malice wasn’t having any of it and decided amongst Themselves on what to do about the crap situation They had on Their hands. Malice had talked the Head Sound Technician for that Night’s show, and found out there was in fact a Super Sized Music Festival put on by 104.4 Rock’n Roll Radio currently going on the Outskirts of Austin. In fact tonight was the Last Night of the 4 Day Festival, and thus would have the Largest Crowd of the event.
Malice promptly boarded Their Tour bus and drove over to the 104.4 Rock’n Roll Radio Festival leaving Slickmann behind by accident. Malice arrived and killed time before the Main Stage Festival Closer Spot was coming up Next by Smoking Crack and doing Tequila Shooters in the Port-A-Potties.
Once the Second to last Act (some band called The Local Yokels) were finishing up Malice made Their way to the Front Row shoving anyone who got in Their way to the ground. The Festival Closing Act was an up and coming band on the verge of success called The Urban Outlaws. Once The Urban Outlaws strode out to start Their set Malice jumped the Security Barrier and directly up on stage.
The Members of Malice took The Outlaws instruments out of Their hands and motioned The Band Members off stage. Malice then announced to the awaiting audience that Malice had come to Invade the Festival, and take the Main Stage Hostage. Malice electrified the Crowd who thought it was a VERY METAL thing to do just showing up and commandeering the Stage like Malice had. And being a State that idolized Outlaw Culture the Audience gave Their full approval.
That Night’s show was the Highlight of the Salvation & Damnation Tour thus far as Malice Played into the Night only stopping when They eventually collapsed from exhaustion.
WELL KIDDIES Thats all for Now, STAY TUNED for………
Malice The Band That Almost Killed Us All PART 8!
Thanks for Reading,
By Les Sober
