Tag: Narcotics

The Mystery of Hi I’m Mary Mary

Welcome to “Hi I’m Mary Mary” which is an Extremely Obscure Homegrown Horror Web Series that first appeared on Youtube (on July 10, 2016), and the Series is Still Ongoing to this Very Day. It’s Dark and Intense with a Seriously Cool Pick Your Own Adventure/RPG Interactive Aspect. So What is it all About You Wonder? Well We aren’t quite Sure exactly, but Heres a Run Down of the Pertinent Points/Information We Have.

            

“Hi I’m Mary Mary”:

  • The Series Main Character is Named Mary who wakes up in a what She refers to as “A Copy of My Parents House”, and Has No Idea how She got there.
  • All the Doors in the House are Locked and The Windows are Unbreakable Trapping Mary Inside.
  • Mary does find a Video Camera and has Internet Access (Though She can’t See What Anyone is Posting/Saying or Responding to. Simply Put its a preverbal One Way Street).
  • The Series Spills Over in Mary’s actual Twitter Account and Her Blog. Each Platform pervades it’s Own Clues and Insight as to What is Going on in the House and with/to Mary Herself.
  • Mary uses the Video Camera She finds in the House to Document Her Time in the House since well, She seems to have Nothing but Time considering She’s Trapped. The Day are rather Uneventful, But when Night Falls All fucking Hell Breaks Loose.

           

  • There are a Total of Five Separate and Distinct Characters in Addition to Mary Four of Which are Demonic Living in the House, and Exist Only to Torment Mary Relentlessly (again Mostly at Night). The Fifth is The Lady In White Who is a Mysterious Ally though Mary May be Totally Unaware of this Fact.
  • The First Evil Entity in the House is Beauty who appears Only when Mary is looking in a Mirror. Beauty appears wearing a Dress and a Flawless Mask, and Laughs Hysterically Mocking at Mary. Beauty is believed is the  Embodiment of Mary’s Physical Insecurities.
  • The Veiled Lady appears at the End of the First Video and is the Most Predominate of the Sinister Spirits Lurking in the House. She has almost a the Leader of sorts to the Ghastly Group. The Veiled Lady also gets More and More Aggressive with Mary, and is the Only Entity that can actually Speak Directly to Mary. It is believed The Veiled Lady is Symbolic of Depression.

           

  • The Shadow appears when Mary Feels Safe and has a Noteable Trait. That Trait is whenever the Shadow is present Phrases Flash on the Screen (example “I Feel Nothing.” and “I Messed Up.” and the Shadow makes Mary in Her words “Feel Terrible.”

Some of Mary’s Tweets pertaining to the Shadow are as Follows:

  • “The way it moves…its so unsettling. sometimes just seems…wrong. I don’t like looking at it- staring directly makes me feel bad.”
  • ‘I HATE looking at it. what does it even do? It just follows me around and when I look at it, I feel terrible.”
  • “god I feel so freaking empty.it’s watching me. why doesn’t it move quickly. it’s like it wants me to feel this.”
  • “its looking at me right now. at least i think it is. i’m going to go into another room and close the door. it will probably open it.”
  • The Shadow is believed to be the Manifestation of Regret.

            

  • The Darkness is the Most Ominous and Mysterious of the Four Ghoulish Ghosts. In one Video Mary chases The Darkness and Catches it, but When She Lifts Her hand The Darkness Absorbs into Her Palm. When Mary catches The Darkness the phrase “I’m a Monster” Flashes on the Screen. After this Encounter the Other Evil Entities have Their various Barriers Removed allowing Them to Become Bigger, Stronger, and More Terrifying than Ever Before. It is believed The Darkness represents Anxiety.
  • During the Series at one Point Mary finds a Way out of the House through a Door that Leads to What She calls “The Garden” (which is more like a Pond in the Woods, and sometimes its just Water).
  • The Garden is Peaceful and Calm it’s Mary’s Only Escape from the Hellish Abuse from inside the House, and She becomes Dependent on it to provide a Shelter from the Storm. Unfortunately for Mary the Garden starts to Decay the Sun Vanishes and is Replaced By Grey Skys and Rain. As time passes Mary starts to find Abandoned Places and Broken things around the Garden.
  • Mary’s visits to The Garden become Shorter and Shorter  as The Garden Starts to make Mary Physically Ill. It is believed the Garden Represents Drug Use/ Drug Addiction as it parallels the Five Stages of Drug Addiction (The Five Stages are 1. First Use  2. Regular Use  3. Risky Use,  4. Dependence  5. Disorder)

            

  • As the Garden Decay Away and starts making Mary Sick the Malevolent Spirits become Intenser and Physically violent towards Mary.
  • The Drug/Narcotic in Question is more than Likely Heroin. There is Repeated Footage of Mary Rubbing Her Arm specifically Her Upper Forearm (which is the Preferred Injection Site for Junkies which Leads to Track Marks). This Behavior is First seen in the Video “Check In” and continues through the Rest of the Series so Far.
  • It’s in the Garden We meet the Final Character The Lady In White and the Question surrounding Her is is She an Enemy or Ally?! From what We can Tell She is most definitely an Ally though Mary is utter oblivious to this Fact.

The Lady in White Hides Her face and Only Mouths words to Mary. If You watch the Videos in Slow Motion You can make Out What exactly The Lady In White Is Saying. Here are some Examples:

  • “This place is not good for you.”
  • “Mary, please listen to me.”
  • “Mary you are not ok…”
  • “You need help.”
  • “Please Mary listen to me.”
  • “You have to get out of here.”

            

  • It Appears the Lady In White is a Force of Good Desperately trying to Communicate with Mary but to No Avail.
  • There is a Hidden Message in the Source Code on Mary’s Blog that apparently is from The Lady In White. In Summation it states She is in fact trying to Communicate with Mary, But She believes the Four Malicious Entities in the House are Preventing Her from doing so. She states She isn’t sure if Anyone (aka the Viewers) can even see the Messages, Yet She thinks there is a good chance Someone will. She then attempts to say what exactly She wants to tell Mary, But the Messages Cuts Out. The Lady In White Says She’ll try Again and Again the Message cuts out before The Lady In White can Communicate Her Message. She implores Views to Assist Her in getting Mary the Emergency.
  • This Brings Us full Circle back the The House that’s a Copy of Mary’s Parent’s House. It is believed The House is a Representation of Mary’s Own Mental State. The House is Mary’s Mind Plagued by The Demons of Depression, Anxiety, Regret, and Self Loathing (Low Self Esteem).
  • Then if the House is Mary’s Mental State  Then the Garden is an Altered State like a Drug Induced High.

Below You Will Find the “Hi I’m Mary Mary” in its Entirety, but also keep in Mind that the Series is Still Currently Ongoing. Enjoy.

Hope You Enjoyed This Ongoing Cerebral Psychological Horror Series as Much as We Do.

Thanks for Reading/Watching,

  Presented By Les Sober & FYB (1219SFYB)

The Night Emit Did Too Much Cocaine

I met Emit a Year or so after I graduated from High School who was a Friend of a Friend of Mine. As Time rolled on I became quite good Friends with Emit which was easy to do considering He was Intelligent, Open Minded, Amusing, Mellow, Insanely Friendly, and Sort of Funny in His Own Way. We had several Interests in Common such as Obscure Music and Movies as well as a Shared Contempt for Social Norms, Laws, Rules, Regulations, and Stupid fucking People in General.

One Summer I had Quit My Job working on a Landscaping Crew because the Boss was the most Anal Retentive People I have ever had the Displeasure of Working For. He was one of those Assholes You come across from time to time that’s a Legend in Their Own Mind and No One Else’s. So once I reached My Tolerance Limit I simply Told Him to Go Fuck Himself to Death and Quit on the Spot. Though this Discussion made Me feel Triumphant it also Left Me without a Paycheck and Virtually fucking Broke. About a Day after I quite in the Spectacular Display of “Take this Job and Shove it Up Your Ass You Asshole”  I happened to Run into Emit. He was on the Way to a Local Indie Record Shop in the Town I was currently Residing in, and We had become accustomed to Running into One another frequently.

We walked over to a Real Greasy Spoon of a Diner to get Coffee and Chain Smoke Cigarettes (We have Both since Quite Smoking Tobacco) while We bullshitted about what was New and other Various Shit. I told Him about How I had had it with My cocksucker Boss and How I Quit, but Now needed a New Source of Income Legal or Otherwise. Emit offered to Hook Me up with a Job in a the Neighboring Town Pumping Gas at the Gas Station/ Mechanic Shop where He had been working for just under a Year. I immediately took Him up on the Offer and Went down the Following Morning to Fill out an Application and a On the Spot Interview. Needless to say I got the Job right then and there which was a Huge Relief as My Bank Account was Beyond Depleted at that Point and Rent was coming Due Soon.

           

I won’t lie that was one of the Best Jobs I ever Had My Coworkers were Cool and I had a shit ton of Fun while Working as well as When I wasn’t. One Day Emit and I were scheduled to work the 7am-3pm Morning Shift, but when I arrived at Work to relieve the Night Shift Guy He told Me Emit hadn’t arrived Yet and He hadn’t heard anything from Him either. I wasn’t worry or pissed about it as Being on Time was a Flexible Subject when Working There. It honestly wan’t all that Long Before Emit showed Up looking like Death Warmed Over. Emit stood 5′ 9″ and was Thin as a fucking Rail which made Him look rather Lanky, and a Thick Head of Hair that seriously resembled a Mop. He was Pale and Moving slowly as He greeted Me on His way to Clock in I noticed His eyes were Bloodshot as Shit, and He had Big Old Black Bags under His eyes. The Bags were so promenade it looked as if Emit had been in a Bar fight and gotten His Nose Broken for His Trouble.

I sat as Patiently as I could as Curiosity consumed Me as I ran through countless possible Scenario’s for Why Emit looked like a Sickly Corpse. As My Mind Raced I started to Clock Watch holding out My inevitable Questions in as Long as I could. That way I would at least be able to give Emit the Curtesy of finishing His Coffee which He held Clutched in His right Hand like it Contained the Meaning of fucking Life. Finally Emit took the Last Sip of His Coffee and I immediately and with a Great Deal of Excitement and Anticipation what the fuck Happened to Him. To say I that I sure a Hell wasn’t Entertained Off My Ass by Emit’s Story would be a seriously Grave Understatement. Emit obligedes Me Intense Interest and starts to Tell Me starting the Story off with by informing Me He did Cocaine for the First Time Last Night.

            

Now Don’t ask Me why Perhaps its because We moved in the Same Social Circles I just assumed that Emit had done Cocaine or at Least He had Tried it Once. I can’t Lie I have personally done a shitload of Cocaine in My Life, but to be Brutally Honest I don’t see the Point, and what I mean by that is it’s Far More Trouble than its Actually Worth (Plus there Plenty of Different Drugs One Can Do so Why Settle for Cocaine). Anyway enough about Me let Us get Back to the Story Shall We.

Emit’s Parents apparently had gone out of Town at the Last Minute for Some fucked Up Reason what exactly I don’t remember. Emit now having the Run of the House decided to Phone Up some Friends to come over and Hangout as Emit wasn’t a Party Person. Emit preferred to Entertain Small Groups because He felt it was more Personal and Intimate as Parties generally are Loud, Crowded, and You can’t hear Yourself Think half the Time. One of His Guest arrived with a 8 Ball (3.5 Grams) of What turned out to be Pretty fucking Pure Cocaine. The Night had started off Simply enough as the Quests arrived and People Poured themselves a Stiff Cocktail and Settled in for an Evening with Friends. The Night Progressed as Did the Drinking until People were Sufficiently Drunk enough to Add Drugs to the Mix. Everyone had sat in a Circle as a Small Black Plate with the 8 Ball on it was Passed Around Periodically throughout the Rest of the Night.

            

The Gathering of Friends started to Break up around 1:30am as Guest began to Depart slowly Trickling Out as They had In one or two at a Time. By 2:10 according to Emit it was just Him, His Buddy Tommy and His Girlfriend Alison. The Trio continued to Listen to Music and Chat for a while Longer after the Others had Left until in the end Tommy and Alison had to go as well. Emit now found Himself alone at Home in an Empty House, Rather Drunk, and Tweaking on a Good Bit of Potent Cocaine. One of the Shittiest things about Cocaine is it’s a Blast when everything is Lively and there’s Music Playing as You’re conversing with Friends and all that Social Shit, but Once Your Alone and the Evening is Over IT FUCKING SUCKS. Your fucking Amped Out of Your Mind yet all of the Stimulation that makes it Fun and Entertaining is Gone and all You have is You. Thats when the Negative Side Effects of Cocaine Use become Glaringly Apparent.

You start to become acutely aware of the Physical effects of Cocaine outside of the High that are Far From Pleasant. You feel your heart Pounding like a Sledgehammer against Your chest which instantly makes you start worrying You might be on the Verge of an Overdose. You start to obsesses and Calm Yourself Down, but the More You do the More the Anxiety Eats at You. You can’t sit still but theres nothing to do and no where to go accept inside of Your own head which is Not where one wants to be on Cocaine that’s for fucking sure. You start hearing Noises that make You paranoid on Every Level it’s not always about the Police (though Obviously if You do Drugs and Become Paranoid the Police are a Prime Concern for Most). You start doubting Yourself and Your Previous Decisions which again leads You back to the “Am I going to have a fucking Heart Attack from doing all this Cocaine?” Question.

            

Unfortunately being the First Time Emit did Cocaine and the Fact it was some Good Shit was Utterly Unaware of all of the Aforementioned Unpleasantries. Emit feel directly into the Heart Attack Paranoia and Angst, and began to Panic like a Trapped Rabbit. Everything He tried to Relax Not only Failed Miserably it just made Him more Hyper Focused on the Issue. Once Emit had exhausted every possibility He could think of He remembered that His Next Door Neighbor was in Fact a Medical Doctor. Even though it had gone from the Late Hours of the Night to the Early Hours of the Morning Time Wise, and the fact Emit had Never even said Hello to His Doctor Neighbor didn’t Phase Emits Choice. Emit chose to through Caution to the Wind and Go over to His Neighbor’s, Knock on the Door, and Throw Himself at Their Mercy. This was a truly Ballsy choice as the Chances where the Neighbor wouldn’t answer the Door and would Call the Cops instead.

Luckily for Emit His Guardian Angel must have been working Overtime Because His Neighbor didn’t phone the Police, and actually answered the Door. Once His Neighbor opened the Door Emit confesses that He is High as Hell on Cocaine Currently, Alone, and Terrified He is About to Have a Fatal Heart Attack. His Neighbor was a True Doctor and again instead of calling the Cops stuck Tried and True to The Hippocratic Oath and Helped Emit out of His Predicament. Essentially Emit’s Neighbor sat with Him and Chatted until the Cocaine had Worn Off Enough so Emit wasn’t scared of Cardiac Arrest, and His Neighbor said it was Time for Emit  to Go Sleep it off Ironically as it were. Emit went Home and eventually succumbed to Exhaustion and Slept for 10 Hours Straight like the Dead. After that Night Emit Never touched Cocaine ever again stating He had Learned all He Needed to Know the First Time, and what He learned most of All is Cocaine is a BITCH to Deal with.

           

From that Day On Emit Earned the Nickname Dr. Cocaine which We used Tirelessly to Bust His Balls for Years After.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Saying “Let Me Let You Go” Is Fucking Lame

One of My Best Friends from High School, and only one of a few People I kept in Touch Sporadically through out the Years was Bluejetski (Sad to Say Bluejetski Passed Fairly Recently). Something We had in common was We both were in Agreement People do Absurd Shit without even thinking, or at Least Thinking it Through. A Prime Example was that on of the Most Common Absurd things that People do is End Phone Conversations by Saying “Well Let Me Let You Go…..” which is Utterly Ridiculous.

If I’m the one Ending the fucking Phone Call then Why am I acting like the Person I’m talking to said They had to Go?! Also whenever Someone says “Let Me Let You Go…..” They explain what it is They have to Do Now, and that’s the Reason They’re Ending the Call. If You think about it for a Second it makes Much more Sense to say the Alternative “I Have To Go…..” since it’s Far more Accurate a Statement.

            

Luckily on of the Reasons Bluejetski and I were Friends in the First Place was We shared the same Absurdly Bizarre and Extremely Dark sense of Humor. So in this Case We decided as Far as We were Concerned We would always Opt for “I have to Go” over “Let Me Let You Go”, but that wasn’t all Not by a Long Shot. Next We Launch an Unofficially Official Who can Top Who with the Reason We had to Go. Since Blujetski’s Untimely Demise I’ve reflected on Our Unique Friendship to say the Least. Thus I decided to Type up a Mock List as an Example(s) of the Weird Shit We Said to Each other over Our 27 Year Friendship.

Here We Go: “I Have To Go…..”

  • I Just Farted Blood.
  • I shit so hard I Prolapsed My Rectum.
  • My Grandfather just Spontaneously Combusted.
  • My Cat Just Ate My Dog.
  • I got my Dick stuck in My Bong.
  • My Grandmother just Transformed into My Grandfather.
  • The Aliens are Here and want to get on with the Probing.
  • I was holding a Seance and Now all My Dead Relatives are here.
  • I just made Jam out of a Jellyfish.
  • A Bear is raping a Rabbit in My back Yard.

 

  • I accidentally Disemboweled  Myself.
  • The Acid I took just Kicked and I being chased by French Fries.
  • A Dingo Ate My Baby. (Hats off to You if You get That Reference)
  • Satan is Calling.
  • Just started a New Crack Addiction.
  • I have to Pawn My Great Grandfather’s Gold Teeth.
  • I have to call 911 I was Masturbating and the Cock Ring is Stuck.
  • I was reading a Porn Magazine and got a Paper cut on My Cock.
  • I have to put a VooDoo curse on My Neighbors thats gives them all Herpies.
  • Jesus is calling Me Home I’m running Late.

  • I have to go watch Debbie does Nova Scotia (Hats Off if You get that Reference.
  • Stepped on a Needle at the Jersey Shore and Now am Addicted to Heroin.
  • I have to Jump Up My own Butt and Die.
  • I’m having a Way to Near Near Death Experience.
  • My Pet Hamster got Aids.
  • I have to Lobotomize a Stray Cat.
  • Drive the Sheep to the Sheep Fuckers Union Meeting.
  • I’m going to a Circle Jerk Hosted by an Octopus.
  • I have to Call Cthulhu (Hots off again if You get That Reference)
  • I have to find a Hooker with Grabs because I want Seafood, but I’m Broke.

 

  • I have to Impale My Boss.
  • I just Passed Go and Didn’t Collect $200.
  • Because a Riot Doesn’t start on its own.
  • A chicken thinks My Balls are Eggs and Won’t get off My Lap.
  • Have to Eat Pork’n Beans in Hell.
  • To Prove I’m a Real Man by Wiping My Ass with Barbwire.
  • I’m gonna try jerking off with Sandpaper.
  • I didn’t look both ways before crossing the Street.
  • A Bus Full of Nuns just Exploded Outside My House.
  • Forgot to Buy Fertilizer for My Mom’s Garden so I have to go Shit in It.

            

  • Going to Populate Antartica.
  • I fucked My Girlfriends brains Out and Now I have to figure out how to put them back in.
  • I have to figure out what to do with all these Dead Ninjas.
  • I have to Wax on Wax Off.
  • Join a Boy Band and Kill Myself.
  • I have to Eat Shit.
  • I have to get My Fuck Flying because I don’t give One.
  • I was scratching My ass and Accidentally Fisted Myself.
  • Have to Gargle with Broken Glass.
  • See about Aborting My Uncle.

           

  • I just went completely Deaf.
  • I give a Shit, But I don’t give a fuck.
  • Chuck Norris is here and wants to throw down.
  • Need to hold onto a blade of Grass to keep from falling off the Planet.
  • I have to go throw Airplane Liquor Bottles at My Alcoholic Aunt.
  • Have to get going on a Old Fashioned Bender.
  • I just turned inside Out.
  • ME, Myself, and I are in a Fight.
  • Swallow a Sword and shit a Dagger.
  • My head wasn’t fastened On so I Lost it.

  • My Brain fell out of My Ear and Rolled under the Refrigerator.
  • I have to train My Flea Circus because We’re going on a Tour.
  • Breed My Captive Platypuses.
  • I bought Guam so I have to Fill out a shit ton of Paperwork.
  • My Tapeworm is Hungry.
  • I got so High (aka Stoned) I can see My House from Here.
  • My brother is on PCP in the Backyard Kicking the shit out of a Squirrel.
  • I have to Try Bud Dry. (Hots off if You get that Reference)
  • Get in a Shouting Match with a Mute.
  • There Nazis on the Moon and Someone has to Stop them.

  • Moving to Chernobyl to see if I gain any Super Powers.
  • I have an Appointment to Pierce and Tattoo My Taint.
  • My 4th Cousin Removed needs an Exorcism.
  • I ate Shit and will Now Die.
  • Hack My Robots Brain to see what it’s Thinking.
  • Spear Fish in the Pond at the Local Golf Course.
  • Go to the Community Pool and Throw Rocks at People.
  • About to get into a Knife Fight with a Homicidal Hobo.
  • I’m converting to Cannibalism and a Tasty looking Jogger just went by.
  • I have to Just Say No. (Yup Hats Off if  You got that Reference)

           

  • I have to go fuck Myself.
  • I got to start cooking a Rack of Spam.
  • I’ve gone Temporarily Insane, But I’ll Be Ok by Monday.
  • I got High on My own Supply.
  • I’m going to Start Some Anarchy in the UK (Hots off Reference)
  • Because I have something I need to do The Day After Yesterday.
  • I lost My fucking Marbles so I replaced them with Tiddly Winks and its not working out well.
  • I Assumed and made an Ass out of You and Me.
  • Disgraced My Family and am going to Commit Ritual Suicide as Penance.
  • I have to go See a Man about a Widget.

           

  • I just got Confirmation I’m going to be on Jerry Springer.
  • My Trailer Park is on Fire.
  • I’m upgrading from Double to Triple Wide.
  • My Government Cheese Just Arrived.
  • I’m throwing a Red Roof Party.
  • I just went on the Deep Web and Drowned.
  • I have to Pick My Teeth with a Razor Blade.
  • I’m not going Grave Robbing I’m Grave Spelunking.
  • Death comes to those who Wait and I’ve been on Hold Forever.
  • I just Projectile Vomited so I need to make sure I’m not Possessed.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober  

2 Lunatic’s Late Night Text-A-Rama

Here We go with another behind the scenes glimpse into the Late night conversations via text between SpaceDog and Myself. This Late Night Lunacy leads to numerous Ideas for both Posts and for the Blog in General.

That and Neither of Us can afford a Mental Health Professional aka a Shrink.

And Here We Go:

 It all started when I texted this Pic to SpaceDog.

 

SpaceDog: Is this some kind of penis brainteaser? So apparently there are sneakers now with LCDs in the tongue that can play music videos on a loop.

Les: I found the Pic on some egotistical Art Gallery’s bullshit Website. Holy Shit fuck Air Jordan’s. I’d loop a Musical Porn Montages and play that shit everywhere I go.

+SpaceDog then Texts me a Link for further clarification barstoolsports.com+

Les: Life Beyond Beer Pong?! Lmfao Good game all around.

SpaceDog: I was gonna write an article saying how much i hated Pedro guy from Real World because it was the anniversary of his death, and everyone said nice shit and i literally hated him so much i never watched the show again after.

Les: Ha. Sounds like you should, fuck everyone else’s bullshit.

SpaceDog: I want to actually get people angry though to bring traffic to blog……

Les: Not a bad tactic and a great idea I’m all for pissing people off. The more the merrier. All that shit aside more traffic is what we could use bout now. Where the fuck did all the niche dwellers fuck off too?!!

SpaceDog: My head is so motivated for weeks but my body feels dopesick. At one point I didn’t jack off for 10 days. I honestly think that is the longest I’ve ever gone since like i was 14 before i even knew what my dick was.

Les: 10 days goddamn, Thats really crazy, funny, and true statement.

SpaceDog: Well actually maybe when i was on dope, but that was only because i was fucking my dude in various fats food bathrooms (and woods, us gays do love sex in the woods.)

Les: Its hard to jerk off when you keep nodding off every 5 minutes. The Old banging in Bathrooms an American Sex Classic. Having a Woody in the Woods. Shit that sounds like a gay porn title.

SpaceDog: The sounds of autumn…rancid sperm hitting decaying leaves.

Les: Holy Shit! Lmfao!

SpaceDog: The dead sperm inspired me, new blog Lmfao

Les: DEAD SPERM is My new favorite Band.

SpaceDog: If u can guess what it is about….you win 5 bucks paypal.

Les: My new saying “When faced with Writer’s Block remember dead sperm inspires. $5 for My Ferrari GoFundMe. Hmmm…

SpaceDog: Dead sperm and the smegma seven…i want a big band like George Clinton and The Funkadelics or Arrested Development.

Les: Smegma Seven, whats that a porno remake of The Magnificent Seven which was the American Western remake of 7 Samurais?! Awesome.

SpaceDog: Damn i saw your 3rd fucks. Was it cathartic for you like taking a giant shit. If i could have miracle coffee (or Adderall) right i would seriously put all your fucks in there to see if i could come up with the missing fucks.

Les: Its fucking weird I just think of a couple things I’m all Fuck That, and then its like fucking Autopilot the fucks just start to flow. Honestly there might be a Part 4. Who Knows. Thats why this one was titled “F List Continues Baffling Its Creator” which is nothing but the fucking truth. Or perhaps Adderall in your coffee. That be truly awesome if you could/did. Shit I wouldn’t personally it be too much even for me. Saw your Tweet Very Cool.

SpaceDog: The one from 10 seconds ago or the rambling list of musicians that will never play together. I think if i had like 19 pieces of paper i could do it. Oh wait it’s 2018 we have computers.

les: The on that started “There’s a lot of  shit on f-yourblog.com Lmfao. Then you wrote something about healing yourself with music. True these damned Digital Type Writers are rather amazing.

 I then texted this picture to SpaceDog

SpaceDog: U made that? Thats filthy.

Les: Unfortunately not. I saw it and it did remind me of some of My shit which is why I get a real kick out of it. When I look at it it makes Me laugh like a motherfucker.

SpaceDog: I need to find a good dick pic for u. I owe u like 20 penii

Les: I uploaded it today to the Blog for future use Lmfao.

SpaceDog: D***

Les: At least 20. D***?

SpaceDog: So the autocorrect suggests dick and 1000 things way worse. Yet when i do the talk to text it censors me.

+SpaceDog texted Me the Mushroom Emoji followed by The Egg Plant.+

Les: Thats SO FUCKED, it fucking censored you thats fucking balls. Your on Shrooms and have an Erection?!

SpaceDog: I couldn’t find tiny hands that mighta worked.

Les: For What?! Some sort of Pedophile Emoji Code, I’m Lost.

+I then texted SpaceDog the New Bizarre Smiley Face Emoji+

SpaceDog: Idk I’m just still frustrated i don’t think theres an emoji for anal.

Les: WTF is this New Emoji supposed to fucking represent exactly?! I can’t believe no one has put out X Rated Emojis yet for fucks Sake or Weed Ones either. Its a Life Alert Emoji it means Help me I’m having a fucking Stroke! It could be what an Emoji looks like when it cums.

SpaceDog: Omg the new life alert commercial is funny as shit. Im gonna look for a dirty emoji APK right now.

Les: Motherfucking Life Alert, Can’t say the classic tag line its fucking Trademarked now even though they don’t use it in their ads anymore. Good for You happy hunting.

SpaceDog: Im down i don’t need it to find accounts on mu device and modify my sd card for the sake of a few titties.

Les: Yeah fuck all that Bullshittery. I wouldn’t bother either fuck and that.

SpaceDog: Apks are great let u bypass the store on android but idk how the fuck to fix my phone….Wow i found a porno sounding chick on Spotify…the first 8-12 seconds are passable but now my ears might be bleeding.

Les: Ah Ha! A fucking Loophole.

SpaceDog: I almost don’t want to link it until u piss me off somehow.

Les: Her musica gota real porno vibe that fucking funny. Good to be prepared I suppose.

SpaceDog:Well she’s in the bed according to the lyrics and fuck me is a lyric. Sounds like the equivalent of a dj scratching a record but it sounds more like chalk on a blackboard.

Les: My username on Spotify is !@#$%^&*()_+ figured that shit out. That’s about it so fucking far.

SpaceDog: I guess this chick cancels out Maggie Rogers, i don’t think i have seen an authentic hippie chick with talent ever (at least not a millennial one)

Les: Me either. Who is Maggie Rogers?!

SpaceDog: Lights on…..shes some chick sol discovered. I almost dropped my were when i first was listening cuz i expected it to be trash. She has a bit of a stevie nicks vibe but looks more like a pretty, less skank, stoned janis Joplin.

Les:Damn gotta be damn decent to make a man drop his weed. Nice combo more power to her.

SpaceDog: Haha oh look bohemian rhapsody is charting for the 190 millionth different decade.

Les: 37 new Fucks to be listed now. Bohemian Rhapsody WILL NEVER DIE! Just like fucking Stairway To Heaven or Areosmith’s Dream On.

SpaceDog: Fuck Spotify for making me add 60 new artists i like overtime i listen more than 3hrs at once…theres 38.

Les: Some shit lingers like a stale fart. 38 it is. Spotify has that fucking effect.

SpaceDog: Remember when we used to actually have to talk to other people for bands or actually go to shows or have some dickhead at record exchange push some bullshit.

Les: Oh fuck yeah I remember the pre tech music World.

SpaceDog: I do just not the brief period between the end of napster and the beginning of youtube. I was way too fucking high.

Les: The Assholes at the Record Exchange were a bunch of pompous ass condescending cunts. I think we’re in the same boat with being high and timelines.

SpaceDog: All I remember about then was avril lavigne. I really think that was like 1 of every 3 songs played on the radio for those years or maybe she used to make me nod out…she kinda looked like a teenager junkie.

Les: Avril Motherfucking Lavigne. Radio replay rotations killed Radio. She was the original Tween Musical Artist.

SpaceDog: Yeah theres like 2 tolerable stations here. The rest cause me suicide watch.

Les: The only Radio listen too is in My Wife’s car which has Satellite Radio which cursing and lack of commercials aside rally isn’t a hell of a lot better than regular Radio. I haven’t been able to find a Rock Station in over 10 fucking years for crying out fucking loud. Cunty Country Music Awards.

SpaceDog: The one station is still alive believe it or not here. WMMR. Pierre Robert still there too. She has the one lyric “I don’t know who you are but I’m with you.” I made out in the back seat with some stranger lady twice my age because it fit the lyrics.

Les: holy fuck stick, WMMR is still around good for them. Pierre Robert has to be 150 by now goddamn. You were on When Cougar Attack!!

SpaceDog: I’ve had several. LOL

Les: That lyric nowadays sound like the average Trump Supporters. Blind Ignorant Lemming Twats that they are. Several?! DAMN you’ve been on fucking Safari and shit.

SpaceDog: This one was consent at least. I had some midget lady who looked like the one in kindergarten cop try to follow blow me. Except i was passed out in a chair LOL

Les: A real fucking legit midgit?! Thats like trying to play Pool with a Limp Rope.

Les: where there any Senior Citizen Sluts?! After the midget I fucking have to ask. Poor Little Lady was denied the dick.

SpaceDog: She was like 50 LOL, there were a senior slut who blacked out, fucked some guy she had no clue of, and left her teeth there.

Les: LMFAO!! She fucking left her fucking teeth there, well good news id I hear gum jobs are amazing. I accidentally fucked a 89 year old woman once. She got confused and wondered into the MEn’s room at the fucking Mall when I was jerking off in one of the stalls. Anyway She busted in on me, thought I was they Bathroom Attendant,dropped Her drawers, and sat down to use the Toilet. I freaked the fuck out and started yelling at Her, but She was weak as shit so She’d try to stand the hell up only to fall back down on my dick. Worst part of it all was She pissed all over my balls. LMFAO (is that wrong?!) Fuck the American Pie pussies I have that gross humor that will make People actually dry heave.

SpaceDog: Thats funny as fuck. That type of comment exactly makes me wish that old people comedy with david allan grier and wiki lawrence was on anything but network tv.

Les: Just some weird imagery that popped into My fucking head the rest wrote itself. The pissing on My balls makes Me laugh like hell not sure why.

+My phone rings and its SPaceDog but it rang once and stopped+

SpaceDog: Sry idk how that happened. Yeah thats when it got my tbh.

Les: That’s cool, I can’t talk on the phone which pisses Me off to no end, but My Wife is sleeping and on Puppy Duty. And with these insanely high as wannabe Cathedral ceiling We got here its goddamn impossible to avoid an echo of some sort which ironically also pisses Me Off when I’m on the Phone most of the fucking time anyway.

SpaceDog: It (his phone) thought the couch was my head.

Les: It’s a Short Bus SmartPhone.

SpaceDog: I guess i had my ass there and it was warm and it thought it was my face.

Les: Well they’re called Ass Cheeks so….

SpaceDog: OK now Im legit putting my phone on my ass to see what happens. Oops i have no ass…no call. Not even bare ass cheek works…it only likes hot ass.

Les: Awesome, all in the name of SCIENCE! Shit I figure Bare Ass would have worked.What about if you put it under your balls?! Just drape those bitches on the phone. Might work.

SpaceDog: Yeah maybe if i wasn’t on my stomach laying down my ass would more resemble a face cheek. How about in my rectum, then if i don’t text u back but only send you back repeated emojis u do the same for me since my phone is on vibrate? Thanks.

Les: Just type by squeezing Your Ass Cheeks together like some fucked up Morse Code. Sure if it works I got your back. Do the Emojis have to make sense because if they’re just random I’ll be honest I might cheat and stick it in My Dog’s ass.

SpaceDog: Ok so i really thought it would if i stuck it off to the side of my ball sack but neither side worked.

Les: GODDAMNIT! Oh well Phone wins. All that’s left is to try Tainting it. Not sure how that would work though.

SpaceDog: Yeah now that i am rubbing myself down with the phone like it’s a metal detector wand i think the show is over.

Les: I’m so fucking Posting this tomorrow. Like a fucking Metal Detector LMFAO Brilliant.

SpaceDog: I went in from the back on the taint. And it made my font big like i have a fucking jitterbug and am 90.

Les: Did it work and if not try doing it again in reverse this time.

SpaceDog: And it keeps telling me voice input is unavailable.

Les: It enlarged the font, that’s fucking insanely amusing.

SpaceDog: I gotta hit the front bar.

Les: Voice Input Unavailable BOO to that BULLSHIT.

SpaceDog: Ok i did the back again. I almost taint dialed someone.

Les: Getting Closer, Progress is being made. If it works and someone answers just scream “TALK TO MY TAINT” and hang the fuck up,

SpaceDog: Pits

Les: That works I suppose as well.

SpaceDog: Pits not active…..the smelly one nor the distinguished one. Anywhere else?

Les: No I’m pretty sure I’m out of ideas at this point. The Genitals were really my Wheel House. Lmfao.

SpaceDog: Yeah my taint is a lot more talkative then i would have thought, and blind.

Les: Blind I would expect, a talkative Taint indeed.

SpaceDog: Oooooh I’m a fat fuck imma try side boob.

Les: The Taint Factor Winner for 2018 is Gus Gifferson with a Record breaking 10 inch Taint.

Spacedog: Q9q SP.p .o

Les: Side Boob CLASSIC. Q9q. Sp.p .o I believe it’s ALIVE!

SpaceDog: The first was the right boob. the app was the left. Left boob also is blind. Font big again.

Les: Interesting. So the enlarged font is reoccurring you say. So Your saying Your right Boob can see?! As if instead of a nipple You grew a fucking eyeball? Still worked blind or not.

SpaceDog: I wish you and your wife were here i was gonna have her test it with her lady parts but then i realized my dan is on this phone and if she stuck it in her after me that might be 9th degree rape in some states. Why Stop?

Les: Valid point I don’t need a 9th degree Rape Baby on My hands thank you.

SpaceDog: That was my mid chest then me saying what and stop because my tv went to steve harvey and i hate that guy.

Les: NEVER SHALL WE STOP!

SpaceDog My phone is strictly dicktly anywhere after tonight.

Les:I know You added him to the second Fucks list. Strictly Dicktly?!

SpaceDog: Yeah bad memory some queen used to say that in the 90’s. I always wanted to punch him.

Les: Don’t fucking blame You there I would have too. I’d say pondering sticking My phone in a Kangaroo’s pouch to see if it works accept I’d end up arrested and charged with molesting a fucking Kangaroo or some goddamn thing like that.

SpaceDog: As long as i didn’t have to stick it in a joey.

Les: LMFAO! Crackhead Man Whore Junkies Need Not Apply.

SpaceDog: I meant the baby kangaroo but I’ve been joey free since those ten guys in my 20’s who kinda had no name.

Les: I mean we could shove the phone into some Junkies access they got from shooting up so much shit and see if that works. I know what You meant No Worries I just saw an opening so I took it. The Nameless 10.

SpaceDog: I will stick it halfway in tomorrow at some point. I need to prepare for that and I Zombie. SpaceDog and the 10 ancient queers of the earth. The short form is 9 Blackouts and a broken toilet.

Les: LMFAO EXCELLENT. !0 Ancient Queers, Short Form, I Zombie.

That Ended That Night Transmission.

Brought to You By,

 SpaceDog & Les Sober   

The Second Time Isn’t “The Charm”

This is the Tale of My Second Arrest which is exactly the opposite of My First.

My life at that point was utter shit. I was in the grips of of hardcore Drug Addiction. The apartment I was occupying was really quite nice when I moved in, but at this point do to neglect had become a run down hellhole. I spent all my time with my with my asshole neighbor Big Douche desperately scheming and scamming, lying and Cheating, Stealing and Robbing anything for a fucking dollar.

Once we had some cash we’d get drunk as fuck and then go score some crack. Once we smoked up all the crack we went and bought Heroin. This was a endless daily cycle .

In reality I fucking hated Big Douche and would think about killing him in his sleep constantly. He truly was a fucked up fucking asshole of a human being, too fucking damaged to ever be fixed. Big Douche was the definition of a Lost Cause. I’ll digress for now since The Tale of Big Douche will be forthcoming.

So one afternoon we had managed to scrounge up enough cash for a couple of bags of Heroin, and headed out to our usual copping spot.

I’m going to pause here to take a minute to explain exactly where we scored our shit.

I/We lived in a bustling little suburbia that was a short 15 minute drive into the State’s Capital City. Now once a go the Capital City was a rich and prosperous area full of business. Then the businesses left and so did anyone who could fucking afford to. Over the years the City decayed as it hemorrhaged money through failed attempts to improve the City.

A perfect example is the Capital City spent MILLIONS to build a Sports Stadium in the City (rather than on the outskirts) and it was an instant epic failure. See because they built the Stadium IN the city there was INSUFFICIENT PARKING.

This meant Attendees had to park on the street(s) and walk to the Stadium. The only issue with that was NO ONE wanted to walk down said streets especially with their loved ones or kids. The City even tried combating the problem by stationing a Cop on every outlying corner, AND THAT DIDN’T WORK EITHER, but I digress.

We drove through the filthy trash littered streets lined with old decrepit old houses rotting away through the years.

On any given day We’d see the wandering Hookers, Homeless Begging Bums, Gang Bangers, Pimps, Junkies, Poverty, Stray Cats and Dogs, Crackheads, Drug Dealers, and other of life’s rejected throw aways lurking and loitering on the corners or walking between/among them.

On this particular day the streets were completely vacant there wasn’t a single soul in sight. We drove around several different blocks, but it was all the same the streets were all utterly empty.

I had a bad feeling. A Gut Feeling and not a good one.

The only reason that the usual degenerates wouldn’t be out pounding the streets (committing various dastardly deeds) was a simple one. Just two simple words: Police Activity.

The Police were the preverbal Lights that when flipped on sends the Rats and Roaches scrambling for cover of any kind.

I told Big Douche that we should bail and come back later because obviously something was going on that was making the Natives Restless if you will. Now Big Douche living up to his name continued to relentlessly circle block after block searching for anyone who might be a Dope Dealer. He was franticly obsessed the way Junkies do when their fiending for a fix.

At last right as Big Douche finally was giving up we drove up on a Bodega and a Large (and rather fat) Guy strode out the door. Big Douche being a Junkie immediately decides this is a person is a drug dealer and signals him as it were.

The Guy signals back. I’m pissed as pissed can get because I couldn’t believe we hadn’t bounced yet, and that Big Douche was being a complete cunt. In some bizarre passive aggressive bullshit I deliberately didn’t look at, talk to or even acknowledged The Guy.

The Guy reaches through the drivers side window and does the exchange. Instead of driving off like a good little junkie Big Douche stops to look at the couple bags of Dope, and notices (again being a good little junkie) that the Heroin looks funny. It looks fake. Fake as a motherfucker.

Big Douche leans over and calls the Guy out stating that the Guy’s dope looks beat as shit. The Guy denies it and keeps trying to brush us off. Big Douche then decides he wants his money back (Yeah thats right he wanted the Drug Dealer to refund his money for selling him fake Heroin) and opens the Driver’s door and stood  between the car and the car door arguing with the Guy.

Eventually like a junkie Big Douche stops arguing and starts begging like a big ass bitch. The Guy doesn’t want to hear a single fucking word about it. Big Douche at last accepts defeat and we start to pull away from the curb.

That’s when I saw it, thats when I knew we were fucked. What I saw was the Guy raising his arm to wave in the Cops who were hiding around the way in. The next thing we knew the Cops had 3 cars pinning us in as other Cops ran up to the car yelling like a bunch a savage assholes.

We get out of the car, handcuffed, and then driven around the corner so the Cops entrapment spot wouldn’t get blown up. They transferred us into additional Cop cars and took us to the Police Station.

Once we got there Big Douche was booked, Processed, and sent to County Jail on a slew of yet undressed charges.

I was a bit luckier since I did;t have any outstanding legal issues I was booked and then released on my own recognizance. I was also given a court date the following day.

Needless to say I didn’t sleep that night. I unplugged the phone because Big Douche keep calling asking for me to help contact people to come bail him out. I could have cared less as I was worried about being locked up the very next day.

Unlike my first arrest there was no time in-between my arrest and my trial. It happened so fast I’m really not sure if I even had a court appointed Lawyer (I don’t remember talking or meeting with one at all). I went to my court date, and I remember sitting alone in the court room as the Judge worked his way down the days docket. He finally gets to me and I remember I stood up and remained standing in the same spot.

I remember this Judge some old nasty bastard who lectured me for what seemed like fucking hours about how Drug Addicts are coming into the City to score their drugs which in turn is destroying the City itself.

BULL-FUCKING-SHIT.

First there THOUSANDS of drug addicts in the Judge’s fantastical City. And the only reason Drug Addicts were coming to his City was due to the fact THATS WHERE THE FUCKING DRUG DEALERS ARE. Also as I mentioned earlier the “Fine City” the Judge spoke of was and still is a Growing, Thriving, and Worsening SHITHOLE.

Once the cranky old cocksucker of a Judge wraps up his bullshit tirade he sentenced me to 90 Days Suspended Sentence. The first time I was arrested I got 3 years Probation with a ton of added conditions (all of which I violated like a motherfucker).

This time I simply had to stay out of trouble (aka Get Arrested Again) for 90 days then I’d be off the legal hook, and the arrest would be expunged from my Police Record.

Luckily I managed not to get arrested again (in those 90 days and ever again) though I continued to spend my days living the life of a junkie which by definition requires breaking laws left and right.

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober 

Malice The Band That Almost Killed Us All Part 6

April 15th: Malice arrived at their suite at the Hard Rock Casino in Mackinaw Michigan (which back in the infamous 80’s was considered on the same creative social scale as NYC or LA.), and waited for their newly assigned opening act by their record label Razorback Records.

While they waited Malice free based a Kilo of 91% pure uncut Columbian Fish Scale while simultaneously  consuming 15 cases of beer, 19 bottles of Whisky, and an ounce and a half of PCP Laced Mushrooms, and ate 7 sheets of Acid (because waiting is boring so why not party your fucking face off they figured.) Plus the bands Lawyer TR McCoy and their Manager Harold Slickmann  had instructed the Band to DO NOTHING while they worked out the issues with the Band’s current Record Label Razorback Records.

As for Razorback they needed to put a tour deal together fast as fuck. Razorback Due to the  current disputes with Malice over creative control had lead abrupt cancellation of the remaining  Tour leaving them in the lurch like a motherfucker. They had to finish out as many of the original Tour dates as humanly possible to avoid backlash from pissed off Malice Fans.

Now due to all the drama Razorback was unhappy with Malice and that  played a part in their decision to hire The Assholes.The Assholes were at the opposite side of the spectrum from Malice.

Malice was a Glam Metal Band used to the luxurious life in LA being fawned over by press and fans alike for several months and had forgotten their entire lives previous to being famous. This I think most people can agree the massively exprbinte and copious amounts of Narcotics combined with Severe Alcoholism was/is to blame for the Band’s Unique Amnesia.

The Assholes on the other hand were a Trio from the Shitty Streets of the Shittiest Slums in Swansea Wales’s poverty stricken Industrial District. They grew up broke as fuck with Father’s that slaved away in the Various Factories or Sold Drugs. They had Mother’s that Worked 3 jobs cooking and cleaning (for the elite assholes living a life of splendor in the Huge Mansion’s in the Country) or Turning to Prostitution, Drink, and Drugs.

The only issue was The Assholes were currently on a Tour of their own with their fellow band The Squatters who hailed from Leeds and had similar backgrounds as the members of The Assholes. Not to mention the group’s singers met in the drunk tank one St. Paddy’s day after grossly over indulging in an obscene display of Alcohol throughout the day.

For this particular Tour The Assholes and The Squatters had combined both bands into one collective group they were calling The Asshole Squatters.

This lead Razorback to bend over backwards and take it in the preverbal metaphorical ass to put together. First Razorback had to hire The Asshole Squatters (not just the Assholes by themselves) because their management claimed it would be easier to promote the new 2 week Tour since two thirds of the audience already recognized the name.

Second Razorback would have to Pay the Appearance fee for The Assholes, The Squatters, and The Asshole Squatters as each group would be billing them separately. Razorback would also be financially responsible for their other expenses such as Travel, Room and Board. The Assholes also demanded that Razorback reimburse everyone involved in/with the last two weeks of the Asshole Squatters Tour that would be left ass out in lieu of The Assholes embarking on the new Malice Tour.

Razorback not having a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of had to agree to any and all conditions set forth by The Assholes or The Squatters. In the end the tiny new 2 week tour cost Razorback $12.3 Million in extra expenses.

April 16th: Malice had a pre tour meeting where they met The Asshole Squatters for the 1st time over Cocktails at the exclusive Club Pretentious. The meeting was a short one. The Members of The Asshole Squatters  spent most of their time chugging pints of Guinness, doing Irish Car Bombs, Rough Housing, Head Butting one another in some Bizarrely Violent Drinking Game (which they themselves had created just a couple of weeks ago while on a brilliant bender.)

Malice sat back drinking Bottomless Hurricanes (with Mescal on the side) watching their new opening act getting Raging Alcoholic Type Drunk, and snorting massive rails of Cocaine off a gaggle of clamoring wannabe Groupie’s Tits.

The 2 Bands barely spoke to each other and as for The Asshole Squatters they seemed to be mocking Malice throughout the entire ordeal. It was hard for Malice to determine if the Asshole Squatters were indeed mocking the shit out of them or was this the classic absurd comedic Wit the British were known for.

Troubled by the shitty meeting Malice’s manager Harold Slickmann sat down to discuss the matter with The Asshole Squatters Manager Sly Slapper over diner (at The Lux Barroom and Fine Eatery mind you). Slapper’s take on the situation was it was just a case of “Clashing Ego’s”and it would be no problem at all. He assured Slickmann that the Tour would be nothing less than copacetic once the Band’s Ego Issues calmed down.

This was a boldfaced lie and Slapper the slippery shit was well aware.

April 17th: To insure there wouldn’t be any further issues before the start of the tour the following day each Band’s Manager spiked ALL the Band Members mandatory morning Bloody Mary’s (which were made with 191 proof Grain Alcohol or as its more commonly known Moonshine) with a heavy dose of Horse Tranquilizers .The intensity of the Moonshine did a wonderfully brilliant job at disguising the foul taste of the ground up Horse Tranquilizers.

This effectively rendered both groups unconscious for 18 hours straight.

When the time came the Band’s Personal Medical Team would hit them with a Epinephrine  Shot via an Epi Pen, and BAM everyones awake, on their feet, and energetic like a Rocket Shot up their Ass.

April 18th: It was around 11 am when the Bands began to board their respective Tour Buses each suffering from a serious Horse Tranquilizer Hangover. It wasn’t until well past Noon that the Tour was finally on the road. The first show was in Saugatuck Michigan at the Tubular Theater.

Before the show even started the problems began. When Malice arrived at the Tubular Theater they were met the first problem head on. The members of The Squatters being arrested by Immigration Officers. Malice’s managed Harold Slickmann quickly jumped of the tour bus and made a mad scramble words The Squatters manager Sly Slapper.

According to Slapper the band was being detained and deported back to England to stand trial. The Squatters were charged with 117 counts of Vandalism, 91 counts of Destruction of Private Property,  88 counts of Destruction of Public Property, 351 counts of Public Drunkenness, 57 counts of Urinating in Public, 22 counts of Defecating  in Public, 117 counts of Breaking and Entering (The band had a issue with breaking into Liquor Stores after closing time in search of yet more Booze), 144 counts of Public Nudity, and 121 counts of Indecent Exposure (The band also had an issue with having sex with Fans/Groupies in Public).

To make a shitty situation even shittier the Fans(who had been waiting for 16 hours straight) out front for the doors to open were well aware of what was going on, and they were getting more riled by the minute as they watched one of the bands they came to see being arrested at the concert venue.

Malice who had extensive experience dealing with amped up and angry Fans from some disastrous concerts of their own. They immediately put a plan into action as the inevitable Riot was building rapidly. Malice gathered up their instruments and amps aboard their tour bus, called in a massive Beer Order with a local Beer Warehouse a few blocks from the show, and lastly they grabbed a duffle bag containing 5 kilos (11 pounds) of Pure uncut Bolivian Blow.

The scene outside had gotten savage as the Show Promoter had already called in the Cops. Malice Fans were pissed off at the Asshole Squatter Fans for fucking up the show, The Squatters Fans were enraged that the Band was being Arrested, The Assholes were angry about everything in general, and all the Fans were mad the Police had been called.

The high level of surging emotions had given way to pushing, shoving, insults, violent threats, minor vandalism, and the start of empty Beer bottles being thrown around in random response to the current state of affairs. The Police had called in back up and as Malice got ready to put their plan into action the SWAT Team rolled in.

Malice slowly opened the Emergency Hatch located on the roof of the Bus and crawled out onto the Bus’s Roof. They then had their Roadies hand up their instruments followed by their Amps. Malice also had their Roadies hand up several Confetti Cannons they had brought on tour. Once on top of the bus with their gear and supplies Malice started to assemble their standard stage set up transforming the Bus’s Roof into an impromptu stage.

As soon as the set up was complete Malice started playing Misfit Covers as loud as their equipment would allow. This sudden musical onslaught brought the chaos and conflict to a stand still as the stunned Fans and Police Officers alike looked on.

Malice capitalized on this by announcing that this was now a FREE Parking Lot Show and then fired off their Confetti Cannons that they had loaded up with the Cocaine. A giant white wave exploded over the Audience with a lingering cloud behind it as everyone there went fucking insane.

The Police were just happy to have the Riot haunted so they let Malice slide on the whole Huge Cocaine Cloud (and assorted shit like that) just as long as they got the fuck out of town immediately following the Parking Lot Show.

And thats exactly what they did.

April 19th: Malice was contacted first thing in the morning by their current Record Label Razorback Records. Razorback was absolutely irate about the previous night’s show which was also the first show of a ad-libbed Tour.

Malice had their Lawyer TR McCoy step in as mediator on their behalf. McCoy stated it was fucking insane that Razorback was even angry to begin with. McCoy went on to say that Malice had nothing to due with the Show going to shit. Malice wasn’t the ones being arrested, their Fans weren’t the ones pissed off by the arrest, and if it wasn’t for Malice’s quick thinking under extreme pressure in an emergency situation had in fact ENDED the Riot.

Razorback being complete and total  bitches switched the topic of the conversation to what they were going to do moving forward post riot. The tour they said would continue but because of last night fiasco being blasted across national television had been forced “due to circumstances beyond their control” cancel that nights show.

Razorback sited that the change was do due to “Unforeseen Expenses” complied with the exorbitant expenses used for putting the current Tour together in the first place was putting Razorback on the verge of filing Chapter 11 Bankruptcy. And because of the severity of the situation would require Razorback’s full and undecided attention putting the Tour on the back burner for a while.

You see the unforeseen expenses Razorback incurred were from a legal dispute between Razorback and The Squatters.

The Squatters claimed that since their arrest, and subsequent deportation was due to charges that were racked up from their previous Tour. And since the charges were not related to this Tour they deserved to be paid every single cent agreed upon by Razorback and The Squatters per their contract.

Razorback had to hire a full on legal defense team of Lawyers to handle the impending Lawsuit and their Counter Suite. According to their Lawyers Razorback considered their contract null and void as soon as The Squatters violated the terms, and thus were owed jack shit as far as they were concerned.

Malice’s Lawyer TR McCoy sighted a “Conflict of Interest” on Razorback’s part as far as Malice was concerned, and was planning to take them to court over it as soon as he got back to his office. Unbeknownst to Razorback at the time was that McCoy was already well at work putting a lawsuit against Razorback on Malice’s behalf. Malice was ultimately looking to terminate their contract with Razorback Records by any means needed.

April 20th: Malice curent Unnamed Tour with the Assholes was scheduled to play The Wicked Room in Grand Marais Minnesota. Once they Bands showed up there was an empty parking lot and a massive pile of what appeared to be charred bricks mixed with assorted rubble. There was a note from the Wicked Room’s Staff addressing the issue taped to a bottle of Croatian Rum that was standing atop the pile of aforementioned bricks and rubble.

The Note Read: To Whomever it may concern,

We the loyal staff of the Wicked Room have the misfortune to inform you that the Owner of the Club (Dolt Devonshire) ruptured a gas line in the basement, and blew the Club sky high while attempting to commit Insurance Fraud.  So Sorry We know this Sucks.

With the nights Fans only moments away from the defunct venue the Bands had to figure out what the fuck to do. Neither Band wanted to relive the previous nights shit show nor could they afford any more shitty press.

Then The Assholes Singer “Bloody” Sod Bollocks announced that since Malice had saved their asses last night that tonight they would be repaying the favor. In all actuality The Asshole could have give 2 shits about Malice they just thought it was a proper venue to showcase their Hardcore Thrash Punk music. That combined with the fact The Assholes were chomping at the bit to play to help vent some of their built up frustrations.

Malice decided to take their Fans in attendance that were pissed off by the fact Malice wasn’t playing to an all night drinking binge at a local Dive Bar and Shitty Strip Club Called  Beef Curtains.

Even though The Assholes acted like they didn’t give a flying fuck what Malice did they took Malice’s Stripper Boozelooza as slap in the face. They thought if Malice and their sniveling Fans didn’t care about the show well fuck them and fuck that.

April 21st: Malice spent the day at the Hotel Spa recuperating from their legendary hangovers, and The Assholes spent the day Drinking and Drugging like no tomorrow.

The 2 bands met up at that nights Venue The Radical in Bayfield Wisconsin. The tension was tenable as the Bands circled one another lingering like fucking Vultures waiting for their meal to finally die.

The Assholes went on first and played their first two albums (“Fuck You and The Finger” and “The Toss Pot Teachers”)  in their interiority.  The Band then went on to play 3 separate encores each consisting of 3-5 songs each. The Asshole’s finally played their closing song their current hit “Fuck Me Dead”. By then they had cut into Malice’s set by a good 45 minutes or so.

Malice was furious as they took the stage 45 minutes late. Malice used the show to mainly test out the audience’s reacting to some new songs they were coming up with for the New Album they planned to record as soon as they possibly could. Malice was sure to pepper the New Shit with some of their Big Hits to keep the Fans excited.

All in all the audience response was overwhelmingly positive as far as the new material was concerned. In fact Malice’s new Power Ballad “I’d Never Call You A Bitch Baby” garnered such a response from the Fan’s that they decided later that night that it would be the first single released.

Malice celebrated all night and into the following day until that nights show.

April 22nd: When Malice’s Tour bus rolled into The Spectrum in Elkader Iowa to find that The Assholes had already arrived and were in the middle of their soundcheck.

Malice walked into their dressing room to find it Trashed, Thrashed and Totally fucked. It smelled like a Truck Stop Bathroom mixed with a well used Locker Room. Every single piece of furniture (including the trash can) was busted and broken to pieces. The Catering table was upside down which was ok because it looked as if someone shit on the food platters anyway. Not to mention their toilet bowl was on fire reminiscent of a childhood campfire.

Malice’s blood boiled as they had fucking had it with The Assholes and their shittier than shitty bullshit. Luckily before all hell broke loose Malice’s manager Harold Slickmann arrived in the nick of time to prevent a brewing Shit Storm from becoming a Category 5 Shitnado. Slickmann swore up and down that if Malice played the show he would put and end to The Assholes dilemma.

Malice begrudgingly took the stage and the crowd went buck-fucking-wild sending Malice’s spirits soaring. The show was going exceptionally well until “Bloody” Sod Bollocks came staggering drunk as 10 Sailors (on well deserved Shore Leave) combined. Bollocks slowly made his way to the side of the stage just as Malice launched into (what they believed on audience response) was their new upcoming single “I’d Never Call You A Bitch Baby”

Once Malice got to the chorus of “…I’d never call you a bitch Baby” Bollocks armed with a Military Grade Bullhorn would yell at the top of his intoxicated lungs “Because I call you a cunt!”

Malice’s more than temperamental frontman Izzy Sane let Bollocks get away with his rude interjection twice but not a third time. Sane dropped his microphone, picked up the stand, swung it up over his head with both hands, and bolted to wards Bollocks like a Meth addicted Rodeo Bull. Once Sane reached Bollocks Sane brought the Heavy Metal Base of the microphone stand down on Bollock’s head like a Sledge Hammer.

The base of the Microphone stand came crashing down and slammed into Bollock’s head right above his left eye shattering his orbital socket, severely fracturing his cheek bone, and sending his eye shooting out into the audience. Blood started to pour out of Bollock’s freshly busted open head like a deep red river. Bollocks swayed for a minute before crumpling like a piece of paper to the ground.

Bollocks was unconscious, unresponsive, and there was blood now spurting out of the large gash in his head like a mini 18 inch fountain. One of the Stage crew sprinted to the phone and called 911. By the time the EMTs had arrived Bollocks was in the throws of full blown shock. The EMTs opted due to the severity of the injury and the patient’s quickly declining condition to to fly Bollocks to the nearest head trauma unit a Trama Hawk.

On the up side Malice’s Fans were so supportive they cheered Sane as they Fans were aware of the tenuous rivalry between the two touring Bands. Unfortunately for Sane the police were not so easy going and arrested Sane for Assault, Assault with a Deadly Weapon, and Attempted Murder.

The night ended with Malice on their way back to their hotel, and their manager on his way back to the Band’s Lawyer’s Office double time.

April 23rd: Finally the Tour to end all Tours had ended as doomed from the start. The Assholes had flown back home to England as soon as Bollocks was stable enough to travel.

Malice wanted to circle the wagons so they bought a 56 room Mansion located on 66 acres (for an estimated $151 Million) in the Hollywood Hills the day they got back in town. The Band figured it actually made the most sense since until then non of the Band members past or presently..

Malice members lived in hotels or on the Tour bus while on Tour or Traveling. In their down time Davie Scum was on the worlds longest Couch Surfing Run in known History, and Izzy Sane lived with his Girlfriend (and Malice Bassist) Maxi Padd in her tiny one room Studio Apartment. Rock Harder lived in a Shitty Hellhole of a Motel down by the by the Airport called The Wayfarers located between The Drunkard Tavern and Sparkles Strip Club.

It didn’t take long for Malice to move in as the members owned next to nothing outside of their cars. Meanwhile Harold Slickmann had sold his house prior to the last Tour and went and bought a $4.5 Million Luxury Executive RV. Slickmann parked his newly acquired RV in Malice’s extensive Drive Way where he planned to live indefinitely.

The Band’s Lawyer TR McCoy opted to sell his Penthouse so he could move into Malice’s new 10,000 square foot Guest House. McCoy felt with the forth coming barrage of legal issues that were about to defend upon the Band like The Anti-Christ surfing on an Avalanche.

The Band settled on the name “The House of Malice” as the official name of their Mansion Estate and set to work coming up with customized additions to the Mansion (example: Replacing the Water in the 100s of Fountains with Armand de Brigand Brut Gold (Ace of Spades) which cost $6,500 per 6 Liter Bottle.)

April 24th: Malice received an intensely aggressive call from their Record Label Razorback Records demanding a meeting immediately in their head office in the Van Nuys neighborhood. Malice piled into the Band’s 67 foot long custom Limo along with Slickmann and McCoy in tow.

When they arrived Malice was marched directly into Brock Rock’s office. Brock Rock who was the Owner and CEO of Razorback at the time. No sooner had Malice sat down Rock came charging in infuriated beyond belief with Razorbacks Legal Team right behind him.

Razorback started the meeting guns blazing. They were basically trying to blame all their costly fuck ups on Malice so they could sue them for reimbursement.

McCoy wasn’t having any of Razorback’s spastic bullshit fireworks. McCoy told Razorback that by neglecting their client Malice’s best interests by effectively booking substandard Opening Act(s) violated the terms and conditions of Malice’s Contract.

That combined with they fact that the failed second leg of the Mini Tour had totally tapped Razorback’s Bank Accounts so they wouldn’t be able to financially survive a long ass court battle before going completely bankrupt.

Razorback ended up releasing Malice from their contract as long as all disputes between both parties were henceforth Null and Void.

Malice was now a free Agent as it were.

McCoy had a glass of 70 year old Scotch.

Slickmann immediately started fielding offers from Competing Record Labels starting a furious Bidding War.

As for Razorback they did in fact end up going bankrupt, and Brock Rock was arrested for Embezzlement, Fraud, Insider Trading, Tax Evasion, and Aggravated Acts of Beastiality.

April 25th: Malice spent the day whole up in their Mansion reviewing various and plentiful possible future contracts from damn near every record label executive there was.

McCoy and Slickmann riddled down the Contracts to a Fianl Top 3 before involving the Band.

The 3 Top Contenders were Guillotine Records a relatively new up and coming Record Label that was racking up Big Name and Unknown Acts left and right.

Another was from Spittle Sound Studios owned by D-Rockafeller Recordings Inc. who was looking to expand their catalog and appeal by breaking into new musical markets. They were basically a Major Brand Record Label in Indi Clothing so to speak.

The Final Contract was from an International Record Label called The Nation of Noise Records (who’s HQ was located in International Waters on a retired Cruise Ship). They had been around for years, but never signed any act anyone would give two shits about like the Country Disco Jug Band Legend Howie “Pork Knuckle ” Pounder.

After serious deliberation along with a crate of Whisky, 26 Cartons of Cigarettes, a Pound of High Grad Marijuana, and 8 sheets of High Test Acid on  Guillotine Records signing a 5 Album Exclusive Deal.

Malice celebrated the Deal by Buying Ferraris and the hosting a Demolition Derby Party that went late into the night, and the Police only showed up 41 times for Noise Complaints and all that horseshit.

A good night was had by all.

April 26th: With a slew of new songs and material Malice and in great spirits ,and (after finally ending their troubled relationship with Razorback Records) having just signed a sweet ass deal with Guillotine Records headed into the Studio to get working on their new album.

Tragedy struck the Band once again while wailing on a wild Guitar Solo for the song “Sweet Heart, Wicked Soul” Davie Scum played so fast that his guitar caught on fire quickly consuming Scum in the blaze. Considering how flammable the cheap Spandex adorned with Chinese Dragons, and the entire bottle of Aqua Net Scum used to style his hair it was no real wonder why he combusted so quickly.

Luckily for Malice they were finished recording their new new album titled “Finding Heaven In Hell” so all that was left to be done was Editing the Recorded songs.

Malice had to pay the $17,890 cleaning bill for the Studio to clean off all the smoke stains and little BBQed pieces of flesh from the walls, floors and ceiling (Not to mention they had to Neutralize the Oder of a still smoldering  Human Body)

When Slickmann heard the news he grabbed the extremely large 3 ring binder filled with Musicians Resumes he had created due to the fact Malice Members had a bad habit of dying, and granted a couple left to purse other pursuits.

By the end of the day Malice had completed their new 19 song album, edited it, lost their Guitarist to a freak guitar playing accident, and interview the top replacement Guitarists.

That night around 4 in the morning suffering from a drug fueled insomnia Malice selected their new Guitarist Stevie “The Shill” Stevenson who had played with such acts as Murder in Minutes, Killing Trolls, The Lot Lizards, and the Legendary Black Metal Band Nordic Slaughter.

April 27th: While waiting for their new guitarist Stevie “The Shill” Stevenson’s to arrive at the studio (he was flying in from his Private Island Shill Key in the Florida Keys that afternoon) Malice realized that they in fact not only recorded their new album in one day, BUT they had 87 other songs on tap.

With this revelation Malice felt they had only one choice, and that was to release a DOUBLE ALBUM. Malice then spent the morning listening to all 87 songs before selecting 22 songs that would make up the second Album titled “The Hardships of Hell”.

By the time Stevenson made his appearance at the studio Malice realized while now that the Double Album they had recorded 41 brand new tracks they still had 46 additional songs.

So Malice thought about it awhile before coming up with the idea of releasing a rare TRIPLE ALBUM, and set out selecting which of the leftover 46 songs they would use. They came together and agreed on this Albums title would be “From Heaven To Hell and Back Again” consisting of 17 songs and 4 singles. The singles the Band decided upon were “Into The Night We Go”, “After Party Freak Show”, “Dive Bar Babes”, and “Lets Get Laid”

When Stevenson arrived he pointed out that Malice still had 29 songs left at their disposal, and suggested Malice release the World’s 1st QUADRUPLE ALBUM. And of course Malice lost their fucking minds over the idea. In return for such an awesome idea Malice rerecorded the last set of 29 songs with Stevenson so he’d be credited for playing on the Album.

Malice even let Stevenson pick the name of the 4th Album and he dubbed it “Entering Heaven/Exiting Hell” sticking with the ongoing theme of Paradise and the Pit.

Malice partied into the early hours of the morning doing Actual Tequila Shots (that is they drew up Tequila in 6cc syringes and injected it directly into their veins.)

April 28th: Malice’s Quadruple Album was an instant success as rabid Fans bought out Record Store after Record Store across the country. The Media Buzz was deafening as Malice’s Phones where rigging off the hook like a real motherfucker. Reporters of kinds camped out in front of Malice’s Mansion Estate gates leading Hardcore Fans to follow suit creating a sizable tent city situation.

Malice spent the entire day lounging around Mtv hanging out, day drinking and acting as impromptu Guest VJs (not to mention banging groupies during commercial breaks or when a video was airing)

By the end of the Business Day Malice’s World Wide Album Sales totaled an estimated $976 Million. The one day success gave way to the rumor that The Chairman of Forbes reportedly shit his pants when he saw the numbers the following morning.

April 29th: Tickets for Malice’s upcoming Tour to promote their Quadruple Album went on Sale at Noon Sharp and 6 seconds later every single American Date of the Malice was completely Sold Out. Which totally blew the tits off of Guinness Book of World Records.

Now Malice was at task scheduling Shows for the subsequent following World Wide Tour. For inspiration the Band went to their Restaurant Take Out Menu drawer. After a few minutes skimming over the large collection of Take Out Menus Malice had set up dates in Thailand, China, India, Mexico,Italy, and Japan.

Malice used the rest of their spare time to practice relentlessly with their new guitarist Stevie “The Shill” Stevenson, and over indulging in Hedonistic pursuits.

April 30th: Malice went to down customizing their recently acquired Mansion and Estate. First they had a 4 operate Helicopter Landing Pads one for each of them. Next they turned 2 of their 66 archers into a Mobile Home park loaded with Triple Wides for their Friends, Roadies, Mansion Staff, or as a crash pad for party guests who were to shitfaced to drive.

Izzy was a devoted movie fan so he used 12 archers to build his own Independent Movie Studio he called Ponder This Pictures and Perverse Productions. The Studio was intended to be a stage for struggling independent film makers to help them achieve their dreams. In the end though it sat virtually unused accept for the filming of some extremely high end Homemade Sex Tapes/Full Blown Porno Flix.

Stevie took 5 archers and build a pond so that he could stock it with some of his favorite fish like Alligator Gar, Giant Snakeheads, Electric Eels, Wells Catfish, and Giant Carp just for starters.

Rock used 7 archers to build his own Amusement and Water Park complete with the motto which was  “Neverland is for PopStars”.

Maxi used 1 achar to build a massive Temperature Controlled Greenhouse with a high tech Sprinkler System. She billed as an attempt at Sod Farming. She also took another 4 to built a Small Farm where she had several Cows. At night Maxi would let the Cows graze in the Greenhouse where inevitable Cows being Cow’s would crap all over the fucking place. She claimed it was a trade off of Free Cow Feed and Free Fresh Organic Manure. In reality the set up was designed to be the perfect growing grounds for Magic Mushrooms (or Shrooms for shirt).

  

Other custom additions included seeing up a professional fire work rig on the roof, indoor and out door shooting ranges, ATV Trails, Skate Park, Pirate Ham Radio Station, NASA Flight Simulator, Hi Li Court, installing water fountains rigged with Goldschlager (with its original Alcohol Content of 53.5% or 107 Proof), A Reptile House, 30 Run Dog Kennel, Racing Track, Driving Range (because hitting the shit out of the ball is the only fucking fun part of Golf so fuck the bullshit), Wave Pool, Bocce Ball Court, and 24k Toilets/Urinals encrusted in Gem Stones (“Crapping like a King” as their manager Harold Slickmann would say.

  

April 31st: Malice dedicated the day to preparing for the “Salvation and Damnation Tour” by rehydrating with IV Fluids, Laid off the Narcotics in favor of just Smoking Weed, Only Drank Light Beer, Getting 8 hour massages with 45 minute “Happy Endings”, Meditating, forgoing Sex for Blow Jobs, and Blood Doping.

MALICE: THE BAND THAT ALMOST KILLED US ALL PART 7 COMING SOON

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober 

Dr. Ignoramus’s Monumental Misdiagnosis Results in Near Death

Recently my Heart tried to kill me since the Chain Smoking, Binge Drinking, Shitty Diet, Shooting Heroin, Smoking Crack, Other Assorted Narcotics, and Hepatitis C couldn’t get the job done first. Ironically the issue with my Damnable Heart is more than likely due to my prior Drug use earlier in My wayward Youth. As usual People tell Me I’d feel better off if I wrote about whatever it is currently vexing the shit out of me (like My Hellish Heart) if I write about it. Well no shit Sherlock. The reason I never would have mentioned My Shitty Heart scenario is because its none of anyones fucking business but Mine, and I’ll handle it so Everyone Piss Off. I also hate People who always seem to be bitching about there fucking health always seeking sympathy. I don’t need nor want anyones sympathy.

Well with that said I’m using this post as an Acid Test to see if in this case writing about it helps, so We will see here We go….

I had been having increasing trouble breathing to the point it was disrupting My Sleep and Appetite. At this point even though I detest no despise Doctor’s, Hospitals, Health Insurance Companies, and Medical Testing decided it was time to check things out (though I was already convinced there was nothing to worry about so I’d get it checked out.) I ended up at a Local Hospitals Urgent Care Satellite Office because Hospitals are now desperately trying to cash in on the Walk-In Urgent Care Field.

This makes perfect sense as Hospital ER’s are loosing increasing amounts of income due to the fact people opt for Urgent Care Clinic’s (usually because of convince and most of all Price. You see as soon as you walk into an ER your tab starts at $1,000 and thats just for utilizing the ER everything else they do costs extra as every fucking thing they due is itemized and comes with a hefty price tag. $22 for a fucking 800mg Aspirin?! I mean its fucked up as a patient you get charged just for occupying a semi private room for $1,200 – $1,500 a day like some Wealthy Elite 5 Star resort in fucking Dubai. Well Back to the Story.

I checked in, and was escorted promptly to an Examination room. A couple of minutes later the Office’s Physician’s Assistant (or PA for short) who is one rung lower on the Medical Ladder than an actual Doctor came in. I explained what was going on and based on what I said He decided the best course of action was to run a Cardiac Work Up which is standard practice for anyone presenting with the medical definition of Chest Pain. To Me Pain fucking Hurts, so a what I deemed a minor respiratory issue doesn’t constitute Chest Pain, but in the World of Medicine it does so fuck me.

There 3 parts to a Cardiac Work-Up the first being a EKG to monitor your hearts current behavior, a Cardiac Blood Panel, and a Series of Chest X-Rays which they did. Now based on the Combined Test results this imbecile of a PA diagnosis me with fucking Anxiety, Gives me a fistful of asinine Ativan, and told me to look into seeing a Shrink.

What He should have done was send me immediately directly to the closest ER for Admittance, in spite of preforming the correct Tests He made a gross and grave misdiagnosis.

Case in point, I saw that ignorant Idiot on a Wednesday, and on the Morning of the following Monday I was being admitted to the Hospital via the ER as Doctors/Nurses scrambled to treat me as I was in danger of going into massive cardiac arrest followed most likely by death even though at that point I was surrounded by The Hospital’s assorted Medical Staff.

Since My Recovery I have contacted the 2 Agencies of the American Medical Association has in place to handle complaints by investigating the Patient’s claims. Doctors hate these 2 Agencies because they actually fear the fuck out of them. Thats because BOTH AGENCIES can level hefty fines, suspend the Doctor’s Medical license, and Even Revoke The Doctor’s License thus ending their career. I called and filed a complaint with BOTH Agencies. I have not yet decided wether or not to pursue a Medical Malpractice Law Suit, BUT I did find out the Statute of Limitation in which I have to file a  Suit if I so wish.

Thats All. Thanks For Reading,

Les Sober 

Chaos & The 2 Year Career: Malice The Band That Almost Killed Us All Part 2

NOTE: Alright Reader from now on I will be using a Time Line to keep this post entertaining and no longer than it needs to be.

Feb. 5th, 1988  “Mad as Hell” Tour ends, and Gar Fisch announces he is leaving the band due to the physical toll that the Stank Breath Years had taken on his body and health. For Example due to Gar’s firecracker anal oriented antics had left Gar with a permanently prolapsed asshole.

Feb. 7th, 1988 Von Dire calls an emergency band meeting, and after several rounds of Tequila Shots and Nitrous Whip Its decided to hire a manager. They settled on Marty Trundle who immediately terminated their contract with RatFuck Records and got them signed to WhoreMonger Records a major International label.

Feb. 9th, 1988 WhoreMonger books Malice on a 6 month Festival Tour across North America and Europe. Malice celebrates with a 72 hour drug binge ending in the band being arrested for Public Intoxication, Public Nudity, and Defecting in Public.

Feb. 13th, 1988 Trundle introduced Dire, Vile, and Rage to Ex-Sleaze guitarist Eddie Sleaze as a possible replacement for Gar Fisch. The band and Sleaze bond over countless beers and lines of Cocaine. Somewhere along the way Sleaze was officially hired as Malice’s replacement guitarist.

Feb. 15th, 1988 Malice hit the road for the start of the “WhoreMonger’s Whores” Tour with their first show in Peoria Illinois at The Mental Metal Festival. The show ended early because the Fire Marshall showed up and informed the Festival Promoter the amount of Pyrotechnics Malice planned to use were considered “A Hazardous Explosive Threat”. The Promotoer facing a massive fine as well as having his entire Festival shut down radioed the Stage Manager and told him to halt any future Pyrotechnics Malice was planning to use. When the Pyrotechnics didn’t go off during the drum solo Von Dire was infuriated beyond belief.

The rest of the band seeing something serious was going down stopped playing mid song. The confused Crowd was left standing in a muddy field wondering why the show they paid for suddenly stopped during the Headliner’s set. Von Dire grabbed the Promoter by the front of his shirt and dragged him on stage to confront him. Vile, Rage, and Sleazy abandoned their instruments as they walked over to see what the fuck the deal was. A now enraged Von Dire is screaming at the top of his lungs about how no bullshit is going to fuck up his show, Malice wanted to be financially compensated for the pyrotechnics not being used, and that the Promoter he was a sniveling, slippery little shit.

Sleaze decided he felt the same as Von Dire about the situation, and did nothing but piss gas on the fire by agitating Von Dire further and further. Rage left the stage pissed off, and not wanting to deal with this shit show so he was going to get shitfaced. Vile managed to get between Von Dire and the Promoter and was struggling to keep the two men apart as now the Promoter was angry as hell about being physically and verbally assaulted by Von Dire. With things utterly out of control Vile punched Von Dire in the balls and handed him off to a Roadie. Before Vile could explain himself  (hitting Von Dire in the balls was the only way for anyone to shut him down) was hit over the head with an empty beer bottled wielded by Sleaze.

The Stage crew, Festival Security, and the arrival of the Police combined managed to get things under control, but the Festival would be rescheduled for a later date due to the uproar that tonights show. Von Dire and Sleaze went to jail for Assault and Terroristic Threats, Vile went to the Emergency Room and received 19 stitches, and Rage ended up in the ER as well for Alcohol Poisoning later that night.

Feb. 18th, 1988 Malice plays the Wisconsin “Heavy Metal Massacre” Festival. The show goes well and without incident, but after the show things got pretty fucking crazy. After their set Malice retired to their dressing room for a pre celebration party celebration. They did so much Blow that they effectively snorted themselves into cocaine psychosis, ended up at the air for, barged through a line of people waiting to board their plane, and ended up on a flight to Albany NY. Luckily Trundle made it to the air port before the plane took off, but had to have the pilot to agree to taxi around the runway. This way Trundle argued he could convince the band they in fact had completed their impromptu plane ride.

Feb. 20th, 1988 Malice shows up a day early for Salt Lake City’s “SLC Metal Mayhem” Festival in Utah. Vile went to the Bauhaus Brewery (No relation to the post-punk band Bauhaus) and managed to get kicked out for being too drunk for the brewery tour. Trundle came and picked up the heavily intoxicated Vile and drove him to the Hotel Harrison to sleep it off.

Trundle then received a call that Rage was at The Pink Pussy also drunk off his ass and had jumped up on stage to preform his own strip tease. Though the Police had been called to the scene Trundle managed to convince them to let Rage go with a drunk and disorderly misdemeanor. While Trundle was running around like a mad man trying to keep his clients out of jail, the hospital or the Coroner’s Von Dire and Sleaze took a Ferrari for a test drive and traded it for $10,000 of Crack.

Now with a fat sack filled with high quality Crack Rocks walked to the nearest Shitty Corner Neighborhood Hellhole ran up a $379 tab before the two pulled a Booze-N-Bolt stiffing the elderly bartender who called the Cops. Fueled by a serious supply of Crack Von Dire and Sleaze picked up some $2 Hookers, and got a room at the nearest Flop House Motel (You know the kind where you pay by the hour and no one snitches)

After a STD ridden sexfest Von Dire and Sleazy had literally burned through their Crack Stash opted to inject Adderall into their necks. This is when all of a sudden Trundle burst into the room. He knew where the two were at because he had placed a GPS Tracker in one Vile’s many pieces of jewelry. Trundle had done this because after 12 years in the music business he had learned how to keep track off “High Risk” Talent. Trundle took Von Dire and Sleazy to a local 24 hour Drug Detox Center and had both their systems flushed free off Narcotics.

Feb 20th Malice misses their set at the “SLC Metal Mayhem” Festival due to the band was still recovering from the partying they did the night before. When the Crowd found out Malice was going to be a No Show they began to riot tearing the venue to pieces. In a last ditch effort to end the riot without incident or Police involvement the Festival’s Promoter announced that another fan favorite The Savage Savages would be taking Malice’s spot, and there would be a free meet-N-Greet after the show. This soothed the seething fans who stopped the destruction and celebrated in jubilation. The night ended with no one getting hurt or arrested, it was nothing short of a miracle.

Feb 21st Malice arrive at “Madmen of Metal” Festival in Hoonah Alaska population 740 (571 of which were rabid Malice Fans). The Show was one of Malice’s most notorious they ever preformed. As the band launched into their number one hit “Shit Sandwich” a rouge Penguin waddled on stage. Von Dire being lit as shit on LSD and Mushrooms was completely oblivious, and accidentally kicked the poor Penguin square in the face. What no one knew at the time that the Penguin was in actuality the prized pet of an Inuit Tribal Chief who took it as a gravest of insults. The still oblivious Von Dire instructed Malice to play their unit-authoritarian anthem “Fuck’em All” in response to the angry Inuit barrage. As the Inuits fought security Malice played on further infuriating the already anger Inuits who now where well aware they were being mocked by Malice’s music.

The Inuit’s at last had dispensed of every security guard and ran up on stage, grabbed Von Dire, Sleaze and Vile, tried a rope around their ankles, attached the other end of the rope to awaiting Dog Sleds, and then told the Sled Dogs to Mush dragging the 3 musicians off into the freezing pitch black of the Alaskan night. Von Dire, Vile, and Sleaze where found 8 hours later when the Sled Dogs stopped to take 5. All 3 were treated for frost bite and hypothermia and made a full recovery in a matter of days.

Malice was charged by the State of Alaska for Animal Abuse, Desecrating Sacred Tribal Soil, and Hate Crimes against the indigenous Inuits. None of these law suites was ever settled because Malice Self Destructed before the length court process was complete. To this day no one knows how Rage avoided capture including Rage who was blackout drunk before taking the stage.

Feb 23, 1988 Finally released from the Alaskan Hospital Von Dire, Vile, and Sleaze rejoined Rage and the band departed for the Oregan’s “Masters of Metal” Festival in the town of Ashland. Before the show Sleaze had an altercation with the opening band Pisser’s drummer. Apparently Sleaze was not a fan of Pisser’s music and considered them to be Punk Rock Wannabe’s. Sleaze had spent the day insulting the band, and talking mad shit to anyone who’d listen. Then Sleaze was approached by a reporter for “Heavy Metal Magazine” for a on the spot interview about the Festival Tour thus far, and how the band was handling it. During the interview of course Sleazy used the platform to further insult Pisser claiming their guitarist Ulrich “The Urinal” Upschicker was a shitty Eddie Sleaze imitation. Sleaze went on to further claim Pisser stole Stank Breath’s musical style in a lame attempt to capitalize on Malice’s wild success.

Later that night during Malice’s encore that night Ulrich made an unscheduled and unwanted appearance. Ulrich walked determinately onto the stage waiving a Giant, Double Headed, Neon Pink Dildo, and then walked over to Sleaze. Sleaze who was already striding across the stage to see what the fuck Ulrich was doing dropped his guitar and flipped Ulrich off with both hands. Ulrich then charged at Sleaze wailing the Dildo until he got face to face with Sleaze at which point he Pimp Slapped Sleaze across the face knocking him backwards.

Rage then threw his drum sticks at Ulrich who responded by ducking the drum sticks and laughing manically at Rages attempt to thwart him. Rage then came bolting out from behind his drums like a Bull in a china shop knocking his entire drum kit off the drum stage. Once Rage hit the stage he unceremoniously tripped over part of his drum kit and twisted his ankle sending him crashing down face first through his Bass Drum.

This amused Ulrich who now was being some what restrained by Security to no end, and further facilitating Ulrich’s maniacal Laughing. fit. Sleaze at the same time was distracted from Ulrich because he was busy battling Security to get off of him. Sleaze head butted several Security Guards before breaking free long enough to run across the stage, leap over the heads of the Security Guards surrounding Ulrich, and hit him with one hell of a Haymaker. The Punch hit Ulrich with such force it knocked out Ulrich’s two front teeth. Security consolidated their efforts on Sleaze at that point as Ulrich was distracted now looking for his teeth, and hollering for a Gallon of Milk.

Vile and Von Dire scrambled around avoiding Security as a couple of Roadies managed to retrieve Rage from amid the chaos to the on site EMT Tent. Von Dire spent his time dodging Security to rile the Crowd into a fit of frenzy until the Promoter cut the mic. This didn’t stop Von Dire who continued to scream at the Crowd inciting a violent relation against Pisser and any asshole who would hire them. Vile grabbed a bottle of Whiskey from the side of the stage (and downed the entire bottle) while ducking Security who were desperately trying to end the fight between Sleaze and Ulrich. The Police showed up in full Riot Gear and started using Tear Gas to disperse the unruly Crowd sending Malice fleeing the stage. Malice made it safely (aside from Rage’s self induced sprained ankle) to the waiting tour bus, and Trundle put the peddle to the metal speeding off down the Highway words the next show.

Feb. 26th 1988 Malice had spent the last couple of days on the way to South Dakota’s “Mega Metalfest” Festival in the town of Wall on the phone doing hundreds of interviews with the press in America, Asia, Canada, and Europe. Undoubtedly Malice was dominating the music scene across every medium Televisions, Newspapers, Magazines, and Word of Mouth. By the time Malice pulled into Wall their ego’s were so inflated they cancelled their performance, and announced it was due to the fact they had become too famous to play a town like Wall (whose a year round population of 800.)

Feb 28th 1988 The final day of the Festival Circuit Malice had fired Trundle and were actively looking for new representation. They had also terminated their deal with WhoreMonger and signed instead with Razorback Records who promised they could record their first album immediately. See up to this point though Malice’s success was sizable it was built sold on their live shows, they hadn’t even recorded a single song. That nights show was wild as Malice hit the stage in high spirits and ended up playing 4 encores before showering the audience with $250,000 worth of Champaine (the Band used the entire $250,000 signing bonus with Razorback on the extravagance) Malice spent the rest of the night driving around town partying with everyone who crossed their path.

Stay Tuned for the Next Installment Of Malice The Band Who Almost Killed Us All posting NEXT after this radically surreal piece by SpaceDog.

Thank for Reading,

Les Sober 

 

My Decade of Debauchery : The Foreshadowing Preface

After High School I didn’t have a fucking clue what the hell to do. I was young, and hated authority in any form. Needlessly to say I was jobless and had NO DESIRE to ever enter the Workforce. I had no desire to become one of those poor people who waste the prime years of their life at work only to retire and resent it. I drank like a fucking fish while smoking cigarettes excessively from the time I opened my eyes to the time I passed the fuck out. I was on numerous illicit substances usually a combination of several daily morning, noon or night. I was what is referred to as a “Functioning Drug Addict” which simply means I can party my ass off and still function.

I  was EXTREMELY Opinionated and not afraid to state it no matter where or when I had an opinion on every fucking thing there was or is. My Mother I remember took me aside one day and said,”You have to watch your mouth because unless someone REALLY knows you at some point you’ll insult, offend, shock or anger someone, and their going to turn around and punch you in the face.”

I lived at home with my Mother as by then my parents had been divorced for a couple years. I also had the habit off pissing off one of my parents after a few months and then bailing to go live with my other parent. This was great for at one point I was living with my Father in a Dope Apartment in the center of town over a fancy ass restaurant, and was never there because of work and he was dating a good bit ( I met several women who’s names and faces I forget and don’t mind that I’ve forgotten.) So I had the place all to my self I had the entire run of the place. I digress for now that that is a completely different set of Stories all together, and I plan to save for another time.

I also had an extreme impulsive control issues as I had none at the time, with a horrendous temper I inherited from my Father (R.I.P) Whatever I thought to say I said and whatever I thought to do I did immediately without a single thought about any possible consequences. It was also true I had a Knack for getting in trouble, but ultimately I never suffered any serious side effects (Example: Getting Arrested Numerous Times)

I knew I needed cash to fund my” Low Life” life style and feed my various addictions as the grew bigger and badder over time. I was what is referred to by Narcotics Anonymous as a “Garbage Can” meaning we didn’t have one particular drug we craved and indulged in as opposed to others. I did them them all. I did whatever I could get my deviant hands on because my true drug was MORE. I never cared what it was just give me MORE AND MORE, but I”ll never be satisfied. I did Cocaine (I snorted and injected it), Smoked Crack, Shot/ snorted Heroin, Dropped Acid (Paper or Liquid), Ate Ecstasy and MDMA, Crystal Meth, Peyote, Micro Dots, PCP, and the some pills such as Vicodin, Xanax, Valium, but thank fuck I got out of the drug game before Pain Pills became EXTREMELY POTENT and READILY AVAILABLE. The one addiction I’m glad I narrowly avoided is/was gambling as I’m positive I suck at it from the get go, and would have lost even more shit in my life than I did with the Drink and Drugs.

I don’t include Marijuana because I don’t consider it a drug and remain a daily smoker.

With no prospects for a future outside of our shitty little town that we both despised with people we fucking hated Armenian and I decided to Sell Drugs. I don’t personally consider Marijuana to be a drug, but unfortunately the DEA decides these matters. With that said we dealt mainly in Pot, LSD and PCP. If we didn’t have what you wanted at the time we knew where to get it. This lead to a  good bit of middle man work done on our part and of course charge a finders fee which could be paid in cash or stash we weren’t picky per say.

Now the Armenian was dating this girl E which meant it wasn’t just me and Armenian it was a goddamn package deal. On top of that bullshit we found out an acquaintance of ours named Guru who happened to be selling the same shit in the same area. Armenian and I decided joining forces was better than fighting for turf and customers, yet E was highly opposed to the idea and protested loudly. In spite of her opinion Armenian and I proposed to Guru our merger idea and we partnered up.

Thats Enough of That Now with More to Come.

Les Sober 

Catalog Of Humanity (The Vile Version)

The once grand city fell into the continuing chaos of decades of decay,

The businesses and those with money have abandoned this sickening city,

The whores loitering outside of the local liquor store looking for love,

The strung out narcotic zombie working the corner cleaning windshields to feed his abominable addiction,

The open festering sores that line the limbs of the homeless,

The panhandler suffering through withdraw from drink or drug fidgeting in the door way of a flea bag motel,

The flop house littered with junkies cooking up and shooting up nodding their nightmares away,

The constant flickering of lighters from the derelict row home windows reminiscent of fire flies as the crack pipes burn on,

The entire city is a cess pool engulfed in the putrid stench of a sewer,

The crooked cops riding around in the streets high on their own brutality like Nazis scumbag sons of bitches,

The dirty little convince stores selling single cigarettes and lottery scratchers to the soulless and the suffering,

The dim florescent glow from dive bars windows beckoning the bums inside for a glass of piss poor beer,

The screaming machinery bellowing like a banshee from the chop shops,

The junkyard dogs chained up in yards of dirt, clumps of weeds, and piles of its own shit,

The pimps perched like perverted gargoyles waiting to be paid by their beaten and broken bitches,

The asshole teenagers from the suburbs driving into the city to prey on the unfortunate,

The drug dealers posting up on the street corners peddling potent poisons,

The gangs who wage an endless war of horror over disputed territories,

The bouncer ejecting a greasy client from the shadows of a back room illegal casino,

The overlapping layers of spray paint so thick one can’t tell the walls original color,

The plagues of rats and roaches devouring the city turning it into shit,

The cold gray fermentable walls of the State Prison looming large casting its silhouette across the southern side of the city,

The now defunct factories slowly rotting away in the winds of time,

The dead Vietnam vet who overdosed in his cardboard condo decomposing as his body waits to be found,

The piles of foul garbage that choke up the entrances to allies,

The deep brown tap water thats murky like mud,

The squatters that inhabit the vast city cemetery emerge under the dark cloak of the encroaching night to forage for food,

The front stairs of the court house teems with lawyers and defendants debating their legal fates,

The Public assistance offices are over crowded and under staffed as the government gives up on the poor,

The sea of condoms that surround the dumpster out back of the check cashing store where hookers trade in dick for dollars,

The methhead on a 4 day bender thats furiously fucking a dead pigeon in the desolate park,

The the old deranged mentally ill man who wonders the streets arguing with himself and losing,

The inhabitants of tent city sit around their make shift fires roasting their catch of stray cats for diner,

The bankrupt arena the city built without proper parking at the corner of Rape and Heroin,

The drunken man beating his kids since he wore out his wife before his tv diner,

The dead and the dying wallowing in squalor and their lost faith,

The cries of an unwanted baby unceremoniously deposited in a garbage dumpster by a terrified teenage mother,

The distinct crunch of empty crack files mixed with broken beer bottles under ones feet as they walk down the street,

The nightly fist fights that break out in the city’s central soup kitchen,

The crumbling churches now just idle monuments to a bygone god,

And this city of shit could be any city, all cities dying from industrial death,

And forgotten by history and humanity alike.