Tag: Neighbors

And This Fucking Guy

When it comes to Neighbors the one thing I have Learned over the years is They are more fucking Trouble then they are Worth. There are Exceptions to the Rule that is True, but as a General Rule of Thumb is Neighbors are a Necessary Evil. Don’t get Me Wrong here I’m not an Out and Out asshole or anything like that. I’ll through up a Cursory Wave Hello when I see My Neighbors to be Polite and all that, YET I’m intentionally trying Not to get to know Them. The Primary reason Neighbors are fucking Dicks is if You give Them an Inch They’ll take a motherfucking Mile. Neighbors Request for Favors quickly becomes Completely fucking Unrealistic and overly Demanding of Your Time. It can Start with something as Little like Your Neighbor Borrowing something Small like a Rake or Some Other benign Bullshit. Then the Next thing You know They’re asking You to Help Them Move, Take Them to the Airport, Babysit Their Crappy Kids, House Sit while They’re on Vacation Etc.

I have an Advantage when its comes to Annoying Neighbors since Where I live currently 80% of the Houses in My Neighborhood are Empty almost all Year Long. This is because the Majority of Homes Here are Vacation Homes so the Owners Actually live Farther away in more Populated Areas. There are however a Handful of Residents that do in fact Live Here Full Time. I recently met One of these Full Timers just the Other Day and it was Nothing Short of a Supreme Shitshow.  Let’s Start at the Beginning for Clarity Purposes if Nothing Else. So this is the Story of My Dumbfuck Neighbor Named Anthony Who I Dubbed Anthony The Asshole, and You’ll see Why but he End of the Story.

          

It all fucking Started on a fucking Friday when Anthony decided that Moving into a Wooded Area wasn’t to His liking Anymore. Thus Anthony Hired a LARGE Tree Maintenance Crew to Cut Down EVERY fucking Tree on His 2 Plus Acre Lot. Now these weren’t just Typical Trees these fuckers were Old as fuck. I mention the Age of the Trees because the Older the Tree the Bigger, and Anthony’s Trees were No Joke 60-100 Feet Tall. Due to the Number and Size of the fucking Trees the Crew started at 7:00am and Worked Until it got to Dark which was about 8-8:30 pm since it was Summer at the Time. So All fucking Weekend at the Asscrack of Dawn the Crew would Start. Once They Started the Rest of the Day was Dominated by Extremely fucking Loud Mechanical Noises (Example: Wood Chippers, Chainsaws, Yelling at Each other because They couldn’t Hear over Their Own fucking Noise and More).

Now the thing is that while They did Throw a ton of Branches and shit into the Giant Wood Chipper, and as is the Habit around here They piled up the Small Twigs/Branches and Burned Them. When it came to the Huge ass Stripped Tree Trunks They cut Them into 20 plus foot Segments so that They could be Transported via Log Truck to the Near by Lumber Mill. Accept that Didn’t happen since legitimately Trucking out the Trunks would Cost a Pretty fucking Penny that’s for Sure. So Asshole Anthony had a Very Different fucking Idea about how He would Deal with the Situation and Save Money.

At this Point I’m going to take a Brief Pause because there is an Important fucking Detail Pertaining to the Story. Behind My House is an Old Dirt Road that was Built in Anticipation of a Multiple Home Building Project. For whatever Reason 30 some odd Years ago the Housing Construction Project Failed (and it Failed Massively) yet the Dirt Road Remained. On the Other Side of the Dirt Road in a Large Section of Woods that is Owned by the County. The Point being that I, Nor do Any of My Neighbors, Own that Section of Woods so there is Nothing We can do about what Happens on that certain Piece of Property. The issue with the Woods is that People are Lazy as fuck so They just Dump Their Yard Trash (and sometimes Leftover Construction Supplies like Nails, Broken Windows, Scraps of Wood etc) into the aforementioned Woods. Well Anthony decided that instead of Paying to have the Tree Trunks Transported Off/Away He opted to Line the Dirt Road with Them.

            

Normally I wouldn’t give a Good goddamn what the fuck Anthony was doing, BUT I don’t want to Sit on My fucking Back Porch and Stare at the Rotting Tree Trunks. I went about contacting Several Other Neighbors Who’s Houses also have the Dirt Road running behind Them Too. They all were Pissed Off because No One wants to look at Decaying Tree Trunks, and it’s Also a fucking Disrespectful (Not to mention Insulting) thing to do. By Dumping the Tree Trunks in such a Manner Anthony was Effectively saying “FUCK YOU ALL I’LL DO WHAT I WANT REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU THINK!” which was the Core Reason that Everyone was Insanely Pissed Off. We all agreed this was a bullshit Situation, and that We would Contact the Appropriate County Office to come out and Deal with it since it was Their Land. The issue We faced was when We called No Actual Person ever Answered and We were Directed to leave a Message. As You May have Guessed No One ever gave Us a Call back regardless of How many time We called or Messages We Left.

At fucking Last My Next Door Neighbor actually ran into a County Employee named Will while at the Grocery Store of all Places. Once Will learned what was going on He replied there was Nothing He could do since the County doesn’t give a shit. He explained there were a shit load of Various Parcels of Land around the Entire County that the County Owned, and that They Didn’t care about Any of it or Maintain. Will did throw Us a Bone by giving Us the number to Some Higher Up that We could Contact. Though Will warned Us  that it Most likely wouldn’t Accomplish jack shit. We called anyway and Will was absolutely right it was Utterly Useless. Whoever the Higher Up was essentially repeated Exactly what Will had Said. Thus left with No recourse Everyone got  even more Bent about the Situation and That was That. Well Not Exactly as Far as I was Concerned and Not by a Long Shot.

                

I admit I have a a Seriously Bad fucking Temper combined with a Love of Revenge which is a Volatile Combination. My problem was I couldn’t Handle this Issue the way(s) I Normally would because BOTH Anthony and I are full time Residents. Not to mention I can see the motherfucker’s House down the way from My fucking Front Porch. So I knew it would be Best not to Start a Lengthy Fight that could Evolve into a fucking Feud which is Still a thing around Here. Not to Mention that it would Inevitably make Both Anthony and My Lives Miserable and would End Badly. Now What I wanted to do was Storm on Down to Anthony’s House, Knock on His Door, and When He Answered Stab Him in the fucking Face with a Rusty Fork. Now Obviously Violent Rage Fueled Impulsive Behavior can Only lead to One being either Arrested, as well as Possibly Injured or Killed, which is/are Detrimentally Counterproductive.

Still I couldn’t just Sit on My ass and Not do a Goddamn thing about this Ridiculous Bullshit. First I took a look in My Garage Diligently poking around until I found what I was Searching for a Can of Bright Red Spray Paint. Once I had Acquired the Spray Paint I then Proceeded to Tag Every fucking Tree Trunk that Anthony Lined Up along the Side of the fucking Road with “<—–262 WTF” (262 is Anthony’s House Number). I did this so Any and Everyone would know Who the Asshole was responsible for this Shit Show. You see with My fucking Luck some Santee County Clerk would actually give enough of a shit to Check the Land, and then get in My fucking Face about it like it’s My Fault.

Then I decided to go the Public Shaming Route which was a New Tactic for Me as I prefer to Run in Head First with Guns fucking Blazing. Needless to say I had a Great Deal of Homework to do on the Subject of Public Shamming and Not wanting to Waste Any Time got right to it. I found out rather Quickly that My Small Town utilizes Social Media with a Facebook Page as well as Using the NextDoor App. I then took to My Laptop and Posted the Entire Story on Both Platforms Calling Anthony Out by Name. It is important to Inform Readers that I used My Real Name on Both Posts. I didn’t Use a Fictitious Username and I didn’t Opt to use an “Anonymous” Option I have No Reason to Lie or Hide behind a Screen. If I call someone out on Their bullshit then I Always use My Real Name as Well since it’s Only Fair.

In a Matter of just a Few fucking Minutes Other Neighbors as well as Town Residents Chimed in. They were All in Agreement that Anthony was a Dick and What He did was an Asshole Move no doubt about it. At this Point I was Glad that I had Used the Spray Paint since I had No fucking Idea if Anthony Used Facebook or NextDoor in the First Place. 48 Hours Passed after the Spray Paint and Social Media Public Shaming when it Produced Real Results. It started with Anthony showing up in Person while I was Working on My Front Porch enjoying the Favorable Weather.

Now My Porch is Elevated so it has a Stair Case leading up from the Driveway with a Gate at the Top. Once Anthony got Out of His Car (I don’t know why the Lazy Bastard didn’t just fucking Walk Over) and Approached the Stairs I instructed Him to Stop in His Tracks. I then Announced that Anthony could Stay exactly where the fuck He Stood as I wanted to take Immediate Control of the in suing Conversation. To His credit Anthony Obliged and Remained were He was for the Duration of Our Encounter. Anthony then Stated that He did in fact see the Spray Painted Tree Trunks and Realized He had Pissed Someone Off. As Soon as He was Done with His Initial Statement I informed Him He was Correct and that Person He pissed off was Me.

            

Once Anthony knew it was Me He pissed off He launched into this Babbling Rant ironically about what a fucking Great Neighbor He is. He told Me that He does Favors for His/Our Neighbors all the Time like Cutting Their Lawn for Example, and that the Neighborhood Loved Him as a Whole. At this Point I was thinking to Myself what a Load of Happy Horseshit that Part of the Rant was. I have Lived here 7 Plus Years and I have NEVER seen Anthony lift a fucking Finger to Help Anyone but Himself. I continued to Listen to Anthony’s unending Line of Bullshit as He Claimed that He did indeed Talk to all the Neighbors about His Plans to Line the Road behind Our Houses. Anthony then mad the Claim that All of the Other Neighbors all Signed off on it with No Problem.

When Anthony allegedly came to Talk to Me about His Shitty Plan that I wasn’t Home at the Time. Now My Problem with Anthony’s Claims started with the Fact that more than Half the Houses in Question are Vacation Homes. That means they are Empty at least 90% of the Year basically anytime Outside of Summer. So how the fuck did Anthony discuss a damn thing with the Owners since the Houses are fucking Vacant?! The Second Problem with Anthonys Lame Claims is if I wasn’t Home when He stopped by then Why the fuck didn’t He come Back at a Later Date when I was Home. Not to Mention He could have Left a Note stating He would like to Talk to Me about His Landscaping Plan. Also Anthony could have jumped on Social Media Himself to Contact any of the Neighbors in Question. The Fact is according to His Story Anthony came by Once, I wasn’t there, and Anthony decided to fuck off without Notice and Chose Not to Double Back to Inform Me of anything.

The Next thing Anthony said was One of the Dumbest fucking things I have ever heard someone Say. While it is True that People illegally Dump shit in the Woods Anthony’s Plan to Combat the Problem was Straight up Stupid. Anthony told Me that to Help Cut down on illegal Dumping was to Create a Barrier along the Side of the Road. This New Barrier was/is Supposed to Help Deter Trash Dumping Dipshits. Now it is Painfully fucking Obvious even to a Blind Man that Creating Anthony’s Tree Truck Barrier was Utterly Useless. Did Anthony actually Believe that Excuse would Work I’ll never be sure.

I listened to Anthony’s Self Serving Speech with an Expressionless Face (which You would think would Tip Anthony off)since I obviously wasn’t buying His Bullshit. Anthony went on and on about How Allegedly He was a fucking Superstar going Above and Beyond to Help the Neighborhood (in Any and Every way He possibly could). Anthony babbled on about how much He loves and Supports the Neighborhood Bullshit, Bullshit, Bullshit, and More Bullshit. When He was Finished Anthony was Smiling like a Scammer who thinks He’s got a Mark on the Hook. I deliberately took a Moment before I replied solely to throw Anthony off His Game. Apparently this Worked like a fucking Charm as Anthony’s Body Language indicated that He was Unsure of the Situation. You see Fear of the Unknown is a Powerful fucking Thing and Anthony was Obviously trying to Figure Out what I might Say/Do. I damn well knew Anthony was getting Rather Anxious because He kept shifting His Weight from Foot to Foot like a Nervous Child who just got Caught. Now it was My fucking Turn to State My Opinion pertaining to the Situation at Hand. I made sure to Stare Anthony directly in Eyes even though He was Wearing some Cheap Oakley Knockoff Sunglasses. I wanted to Convey to Anthony that even if He hid His Eyes it wasn’t Intimidating  Me in the fucking Least.

              

Let Me take a Brief Moment to Explain the Sunglass Comment I just made. As Humans (Who are Social Animals) We are Greatly Unaware that We take a Shit Ton of Social Cues from watching People’s Eyes. Thus when You are Conversing/Interacting with a Person whose Eyes are Hidden, again Aware of it or Not, it makes Your Primal Brain quite Anxious as it is Deprived of a Prime Source of Information. Have You ever Wonder Why a lot of Cops (Especially State Troopers) utilize Wearing Sunglasses for Example? Well It’s simply because it puts People on Edge which may Help Them Narc Themselves Out if They have actually Broken the Law. The Bottomline is wearing Sunglasses in the Case of Anthony or the Police is an Intimidation Tactic, and like I fucking said I wasn’t Intimidated by Anthony by any means. So let’s get back to the fucking Story.

I coldly in a Low Controlled Almost Emotionless Tone (invoking My Best controlled Rage Technique which is indeed Creepy) let Anthony Know where I stood. It is an Unnerving Technique to say the fucking Least. This is due to the Fact While the a Person is Acting Civil it gives the impression that at Any Moment They might Suddenly Attack. This is a Tactic I use Frequently to Convey a “Don’t Fuck With Me” Attitude during any type of possible Confrontation. I also use an Unyielding Stare Sun Glasses or Not, and Keep a Straight Face so Facial Expressions are put on the Back Burner.

The first thing I addressed in was the Fact (as I said Previously) I nor My Wife, or Our Neighbors had Never seen Anthony do anything for Anyone in the Neighborhood. I then Bluntly pointed out the Fact that if We weren’t Home when He Stopped by Why didn’t He try to Reach Us at a Later Date?  The Fact was He was the one who didn’t do Jack Shit about it and I don’t Believe for a Second Anthony even Stopped by in the First fucking Place Anyway.

After that I went on to State that I was damn well Aware that Anthony didn’t have Permission to do Shit on the County’s Land. I told Anthony I knew He did this simply to Avoid Paying to have the Trunks Cut up and Hauled away, and that Instead He dumped His Yard Trash along the Side of the Road. You see Anthony was well fucking aware as well that the County didn’t give a Flying Fuck so They wouldn’t get up in His face. I assume Anthony also thought None of His Neighbors would take Acceptation to His Plan/Actions so He could get Away with it. Anthony cut in Suggesting that if I was Angry about the Tree Trunks that He would go ahead and Move them. I replied that there was Not a Chance in Hell that I believed for a fucking Second that Anthony would Dispose of the Logs Elsewhere. If there was a better Alternative Place Anthony could have Dumped His Yard Trash then WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T HE DUMP HIS SHIT THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?!! That Statement Floored Anthony as He realized on the Spot that He had fucked over His Own Argument. I stood Silently for a Moment or Two watching this Realization Sink in as Anthony was Desperately attempting to come up with a Valid Reply which there wasn’t. I finished what I had to Say with the Fact that what Anthony did was Insulting, Disrespectful, Self Centered, Self Serving, His Story was Pathetic, and He is a Bad Bullshit Artist.

Since Anthony wasn’t going to Convince Me of Anything and I was going to Keep Anthony Squirming on the Hook over Possible Consequences for His Actions I decided enough was enough. As Anthony continued to look as Uncomfortable as a Pregnant Nun in Church I told Him I had Heard His side of the Story and He had Heard Mine. I went on to Say Obviously there was No fucking Point in having this Conversation anymore as We were at an Impossible Impasse, and that I had Other shit to Do. I then stood on My Porch rather Awkwardly as Anthony Accepted Defeat and fucked off Home which He did but He Dragged His ass doing it. Is this the End of the Story? More than likely Not as I just need to Find the Most ViablePath of Recourse that will Settle their Score, Keep Me out of Trouble, and Not lead to a Prolonged Feud with the fucking Neighbors. Once I do Anthony and I will See Each other again Face to Face and I will Reap the Closure I so Rightfully fucking Deserve.

It is What it Is,

 Presented By Les Sober

Living In A Small Town: Friday Night Down At Timeout Tavern

There’s a Saying that “There is No Pace to Hide in a Small Town.”, and the Saying couldn’t be Truer. It’s Not the Geographical Confines that make Hiding Hard it’s the Fact that the cliche is True Everyone Knows Everyone Else. Not only that but They know all About Their extended Family, Achievements, Down Falls, The Good, The Bad, and all the Bullshit In-between. You see Gossip is the Social Currency of the South that the Majority of the Population Banks On. I’m Not necessarily bitching Here because I knew this before Ever Moving to the Souther Country, and as such Deemed it as Something that comes with the Territory.

Last Year Timeout Tavern Opened providing the Town with it’s First Actual Bar and Local Drinking Hole. Not only did Timeout Tavern Open in a Small Town it did so During the Pandemic, and it Thrived mainly due to the Locals  being to Stupid for Their Own Good (I guess it falls Under doing Something Good (supporting Your Local Businesses) for the Wrong Reason (IT’S CALLED QUARANTINE). Anyway I digress. Luckily Timeout Tavern and Most of the Locals Survived the Brunt of 2020, and is Doing Better than Ever in all Honesty. I attribute the Tavern’s Success to One Main Factor and that being that Before Opening the Owner did Her Homework. She got a Lay of the Land if You Will Seeing what the Market was like and Moreover what People where Looking for. In a Small Town a Bar is more than just Booze it’s the fucking Entertainment Center for the Entire fucking Town.

            

You have to Remember Small Towns literally Shut the fuck Down at 6pm and there is No Night Life to Speak Of. Thus Timeout Tavern provides Booze Obviously as well as Food (Up until there Opening all We fucking had as a Stellar Chinese Takeout Restaurant as Our Sole Option), There Pool Tables since the Locals love Killing Time at the Pool Table, Special Events like Ladies Night, Karaoke Thursday Nights, and Live Bands every Saturday as Far as providing a Variety of Entertainment Options. It should also be Noted  that in a Part of the Country still Languishing in its Love of Tobacco the Owner researched the Local Laws Pertaining to Smoking, and Established a way for Patrons to Smoke inside.

Finally After My Wife and I were Fully Vaccinated and it had been the Full 2 weeks Post Second Injection had an Opportunity to Check Out the Timeout Tavern for Ourselves. It’s a Nice Bar nothing fucking Special, but its definitely not some Shitty Hole in the Wall. The Owner and Bartenders are about the Nicest fucking People I have ever had the Pleasant Surprise of Meeting. The Patrons are made of Locals from Town as well as the Neighboring Town being that its only 8 Miles Down the Road. Everyone is friendly as fuck and Buying Shots for One another is a Very Popular thing to Do. So Since My Wife’s Work Schedule has Relaxed a bit We have gotten into the Habit of Hitting Up Timeout Tavern on Friday Nights, and this Friday was No Exception.

 

The thing that Stands Out as Odd as far as Timeout Tavern is Concerned is in a Small Town full of Blue Collar Laborers (and Avid Church Goers) is the it gets Busier the Later it Gets, and Timeout Tavern is Open till 2 am or Later if Business is Booming so to Speak. I figured the Peak Hours would be from 5pm the Time most People Around Here Clock Out for the Day and perhaps 10:30-11:00 pm Tops. The Truth of the Matter is Timeout Tavern Business Starts Picking Up around 9:30 or so. It Picks up to the Point where there’re Three times as Many People there When We Leave then when We Arrived.

This Works well Because There need to be Enough People for Me to People Watch and be Entertained, but Once it Starts getting Crowded (like Saturdays with the Live Bands and All) I get fucking Irritated and Leave. I Don’t like People though I can Tolerate Them for Shorter Periods of Time. I hate being Packed in a Loud and Noisy Bar like fucking Cattle with No Personal Space to Speak Of. Also the More People that come is Directly related to the Volume of the Music in the Bar so More People the Louder the Music. I am a music Lover No Doubt but I can’t fucking Stand it being so Loud I can’t Hear what the fuck People are Saying to Not being able to Think Straight. To Me that’s Not Fun thats fucking Irritating to No End.

                 

When We Arrived there was a Handful of People there as Per Usual and We sat down across the Bar from a Big Old Country Boy and Who I believe was His Father (all I know is it was Some Silver Haired Weathered Looking Biker who He seemed Quite Comfortable with). Time went by uneventfully for the Most Part until a Moronic Immature Man-Child came in and got Too Drunk for His Own Good. Then the Sloppy Drunk Juvenile Jackass insulted the Poor Bartender when He ordered a Round of what is called “The Fat Hooker”. This Feeble Minded Fool is so Intoxicated He kept calling the Shot a “Fat Whore”, and then Announced to Everyone Near by that He had Never bought Anyone a Fat Whore, and that the Skinny Whore (the Bartender) was going to get it. The Bartender wasn’t taking shit from Anyone especially this  Binge Drinking Dipshit so She went on the War Path while the Rest of the Bar got Her Back.  Once the Dumbfuck put His Tail between His Legs and made a Quick Exist it turned out An Older Man there was the Drunken Dick’s Boss who Informed Us all that the Guy was a Bratty Son of a Bitch who has been Leeching Off His Dad like a White Trash Trust Fund Baby.

                      

Once the Drunken Idiot Issue was resolved everything went back to a Normal Bar and all was Well. Then at One Point I noticed the Big Old Country Boy Stood Up and Started to Walk Towards Me with Purpose. Due to His rather Large Size it Didn’t take Him long to End up Standing Directly Next to Me on the Right. Now here was what was Going on in My Mind at this Point:

  • Did I do Something to Offend/Insult this Guy and Now He wants to fucking Fight Me?
  • If He does want to Fight So Be It, but I’ll need an Equalizer due to the Drastic Size Differential so I’d most likely Hit Him with My Beer Bottle at the First Sign of Trouble.
  • Did I meet this Guy before at the Bar and was So Drunk I simply Forgot and Now I’m going to have to Try and Bullshit My way Through this Encounter?
  • Is This Guy just Simply trying to be Friendly and Introduce Himself?
  • Is This Guy a Cop?
  • Is This Guy going to Try and Sell Me Weed?

                  

Luckily for Me the Big Old Country Boy stated His Purpose/Intent without an awkward Delay. He asked Me if “My Mom was Still Out at The Plantation?” which at First Confused Me. I then Realized He meant My Mom’s Family Farm that was (even though My Mother hates to Admit it) an Actual Plantation. So I replied that Yes She was, and He goes on to tell Us that He’s a General Contractor Who Four Years Ago My Mom had Called to Repair a Botched Job with Her Upstairs Shower that Occurred During Installation. Not just that but He had come over to say Hello because He remembered My Wife and I from Our Wedding Photos Hanging in My Mom’s Farmhouse. Apparently My Mom had made a Lasting Impression that She is a Nice Lady, but You sure as Hell wouldn’t want to make an Enemy of Her. I definitely couldn’t Argue since He was Absolutely right My Mom can be Your Biggest Ally or Your Biggest Enemy. Simply My Mother is a fucking Force of Nature Not to be Contented with. I couldn’t Help finding it Funny that My Mom has some Serious Country Style Street Credit.

The Part of the Conversation that I found More than Entertaining (and Equally Interesting to Learn) was when He said “Your Mother called Me in for a Tiling Job for Her upstairs Shower that the Original Guy(s) fucked up, She Didn’t Say that Mind You, but You knew thats what She Meant.” You know You’re a fucking Bad ass when You Don’t even have to Drop an F-Bomb, Yet People Still Fully Understand What Your Saying and That You’re Not to be Trifled with. It reminds Me of Actor Kevin Spacey’s unique Brand of Controlled Rage where He Doesn’t Yell or Lash Out, but You know He’s Dead fucking Serious. At this point I decided to properly Introduce Myself and found out the Man’s Name is Wade. The Funny thing is Wade also informed us “I know where You live Too.” because He apparently liked the House We bought and was even Considering Possibly Buying it Himself. That and Wade Literally Lives on My Street which is Why He extended an Open Invitation to Stop on By when I see Him working in His Garage.

                   

My Wife told Wade the Story of How one of the First things We did Prior to Moving in Full Time was We replaced the Upstairs Toilet. Since We Don’t have Trash Pick Up of Any Kind We had to load the Crapper into the Car and Drop it Off at the Local Trash Dump. The Dump is actually a Parking lot filled with Various Dumpsters for Various Things (like Yard Waste, Old Tires, Metal etc.) and Two Trash Compacters that sit Side By Side. The Reason I mention this is to Distinguishing Our Dump from the Usual Trash Dump People think of thats Archers of Trash Piled High as Mountains. Once My Brother’s Wife’s Father came to Visit and Thought the Dump was the Typical Giant Putrid Mountain Range of Garbage, and got excited about Going Down to the Dump to Shoot Rats like He did as a Kid. The fucking Bizarre thing is When I was carrying the Toilet to the Appropriate Dumpster a Man who was a Complete Stranger approached Me and said “So You’re the Ones that Bought the House on Such and Such Street.” which Blew My Mind because again I never seen this fucking Guy before in My Life. That was My First Real Lesson in What living in a Small Town is Actually like in Reality.

       

After Our Chat Wade Returned to His Side of the Bar, and My Wife and I spent a few Minutes discussing How fucking Uniquely Strange Living in a Small Town is because Shit like this happens Frequently. I’m from Up North where You don’t even Look at Your Neighbor more or Less Conversate with Them. Where I grew Up You just ignored the Hell out of Your Neighbors under the guise that Neighbors are Typically More Trouble than They’re Worth. I then glanced at My Phone to check the Text Messages, and when I looked up I Saw Wade Pointing at My Wife in the Classic “You want a Shot I’m Buying.” Stance. My Wife Doesn’t start Drinking Until She is Ready In Spite of Being at a Bar so She Replied that She wasn’t Currently Drinking but Thank You just the Same. Wade then immediately Turned His Attention to Me and Boisterously Announced “I Know His Mom, I Know He Needs a Shot!” Which is the Country Version of Respectfully Busting Your Balls so I didn’t get all Bent About it in the Least. In Fact it was just the Opposite I said He was definitely correct and received My Free Shot.

                    

Later on the Bartender Stopped by and Dropped Off a Beer and told Me that it was from Wade. I thanked Wade Who responded by Saying Loudly “He’s a Good Guy and a Good Guy to know since He’ll be Running Everything Someday.” which is Pretty Accurate. What Wade was alluding to is He is a Contractor, My Mom’s Farm always has Work that Needs to be Done, and when the Time Comes I will be in Charge of it all. This is Almost Totally accurate accept Wade seems to be Unaware I have a Younger Brother Who will be Running the Farm Jointly with Me. The Irony is My Mother’s current and Long Time Contractor is getting Close to Retiring especially since His Life of Physical Labor is taking a Heavy Toll on His Health (His Back is Shot to Shit). So crossing Paths with Wade at this Time was Perfect since We will be needing a New Contractor in the Near Future once the Current one Calls it Quits at Last.

So as I have Adjusted (and still am Honestly) to Small Town Life I never thought I’d be the One to say it, But Small Town Life is Easy Living. I never in mY wildest fucking Dreams thought I’d ever Settle Down in a Small Town and Not Only Not Hate it, but Come to Embrace it as well. I suppose its Life’s way of Letting You Know that it’s in the Drivers Seat Regardless of What You may Think or have Planned.

Thanks For Reading,

   By Les Sober  

I’m Being Held Hostage By A 6 Year Old

I live in a Tiny Town which means there far less fucking People I have to Tolerate or Deal with. Not only that but the Community that I live in is made up of 65% Vacation Homes meaning theres only a Handful of Full Time Residents living out here by The Lake. So theres PLENTY of fucking Elbow Room for Everyone which someone like Me Fully Appreciates.

As a Writer I have My own set of Practices and Rituals when it comes to Writing one of which is I prefer to Write Outside whenever possible. Since Our current Home Office has a rather Massive Front Porch, and the Weather being absolutely Perfect this time of Year makes it an Optimal Time to Write Outdoors. It’s Not to Hot and Not too cold You know all that Goldie Locks and the Three Bears bullshit.

Now unfortunately one of the Other Full Time Residents live just across the Street from of and have Kids three to be exact. While I have never seen Hide nor Hair of the Two Older Children the Youngest Montana (who is Six Years Old) is a MUCH Different fucking Story I assure You.

       

There several issues that contribute to My ongoing Problem which is Montana has made it a habit recently of coming over and Talking to Me while I’m on the Porch Writing or at any He sees Me as a Matter of Fact. Now Don’t get Me wrong I may be an Asshole, but I’m Not a fucking Monster. I don’t mind Waving or Saying Hello, and I don’t mind chatting  for a moment Here and There with Him time permitting.

Montana’s Parents turn Him loose Outside with No Limitations on where He can Roam, and with No Adult Supervision. They just put Him out like You would a Dog and by that I mean I don’t think an Adult is paying any Attention to what the fuck the Kid is up to They seem Oblivious. Out of Sight Out of Mind doesn’t Work for Raising a Child.

We live in such a Remote Area there aren’t a whole hell of a lot of Kids for Montana to play with. Outside of Montana and His two Siblings I can only think of One other Child living in the Neighborhood (and He’s 14 so He obviously has no fucking interest in hanging out with a little 6 year old Kid). So Montana has to Entertain Himself a majority of the Time which has to be Lonely as Children are Social Creatures, and Yes I don feel bad for the Kid in that respect. I grew up in a Neighborhood devoid of Other Kids for Years and it Seriously fucking Sucked. Imaginary Friends only go so Far.

       

Not to mention that I don’t know a damn thing about Kids Not a Single thing mind You. I don’t know what They like, what They don’t like, How they Develop, What They do at certain ages, Behavior shit, Their interests, Their Hobbies, Not a Single fucking Clue. This is due to the fact I’m a grown fucking Man who doesn’t have Kids (as of Yet), and while there plenty of Kids in My Family We live all over the fucking Place. I don’t have a lot of Exposure to Kids on any sort of consistent basis is My point. I don’t remember being Six Myself for fuck’s sake.

Since I’m a Grown fucking Man I have nothing in common with a 6 Year Old, and absolutely No Reason to be associating with one at Length. The last fucking thing I need is Especially in a Small fucking Town is to get Labeled the Creepy Old Guy that Parents Warn Their Kids about Avoiding. I don’t work with Kids in any capacity or in The Child Care Field as a Teacher for example, Montana is not a Related to Me nor Is he the Child of Dear Family Friends, and Again Montana is just 6 years Old. Theres NO reason on God’s Green Earth for Him to be associating with an Adult Virtual Stranger. Shit like that gets People Talking  out Their asses and Spreading Rumors like Wild Fire. I’m not going to be perceived by the Local Community as some sort of potential Child Molester or fucking piece of shit Pedophile thats for fucking Sure.

        

Now while My wonderful and Much Friendlier/Social Wife has already gone over and introduced Herself, got to Know Montana’s Parents, and Chat with them awhile I have Not. To Be utterly Honest I haven’t even so much as Waved Hello to Either of Them which makes Me look like a REAL Dick. The funny thing about it is when My Wife met Montana’s Parents and mentioned Him They had No Idea We knew of His Existence. My Point is They had No idea Their young Child had been across the Street hanging out and talking to a Adult Stranger on a Frequent Basis.

Thus Not knowing shit about Kids, Not wanting to get Labeled a Pervert, and Not wanting to Hurt the Kids feeling since I don’t know the appropriate way to tell or get an annoying Child to Fuck Off I have been avoiding Montana like the motherfucking plague. So every fucking Day for the last week or so before I set foot outside I wonder around My house peering and leering out of Windows to see if Montana is any where near by at any given moment. If I’m set up outside and working away I will stop what i’m doing, tell Montana I have work to do, and head inside for Who Knows how long since its all dependent on Montana going the fuck away or at least Staying in His own fucking Front Yard for once.

        

I have No idea how the Hell this Bizarre Situation with a 6 Year Old essentially and effectively holding Me hostage in My own fucking Home is going to End I just hope and Pray it isn’t an utter fucking Shit Show. What I need to do is get some credible advice on the subject Hopefully before I lose My Shit due to growing Frustration and All fucking Hell Breaks Loose. I’m getting too Tired to be The Old Me.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober (12:23 am)

FYB Update: a Glimpse Behind The Cloke

I apologize for the Last 4 Days of Dead Air for Lack of a Better Term in Our Posting of New Content. Thus it Only seems Fare to Let You know some of the Reasons Why so Please Refer to the Following.

Well it has become Apparent the Stand Off with the Neighbors is Going to be a Real Motherfucker. Being Impatient as Impatient can be I broke down and called My Contractor for Assistance. My Contractor “Fatback” Billy gladly came over with a Big Ass Chainsaw and Deposed of the Mess that consisted of a/the Neighbor’s Tree that had fucking Collapsed onto Our Property Royally fucking Up Park of Our Fence. “Fatback” Billy then Repaired the Fence even though He repeatedly Stated that He wasn’t a Fence Guy, but He’d do His Best. By doing this I had opted to Pay Out of fucking Pocket for the Clean up/Repair Now, and Seek Restitution of Sorts a Bit Later with Said Neighbors when the Timing was Better.

To be Completely Honest the Issue isn’t even about the fucking Money or Any Money whatsoever. As Far as I’m fucking concerned it’s the Sole Principle of the Matter at Hand that is the Important. For Me the Principle of the Matter is No One likes when shit like this Happens because it’s a Huge Pain in the Ass to Remedy Usually. Unfortunately though in this Case it did fucking Happen so Let’s Deal with it like fucking Adults . What I mean by Adult is simply Let’s Try and be Decent while Dealing with the Issue since We’ve Established Previously Sucks.

         

With that Said Needless to Say the Neighbor’s have been Nothing but Utter and Complete fucking Dicks, I talking Full Blown Full On Assholes of the Highest Caliber. Of Course I’m going to Immediately take Exception to that because if I have to “Play Nice” then So fucking Do You. Thus We find Ourselves Currently in the Eye of a Shiticane for Now at Least. Fucking Neighbors.

On a Brighter and Far Better note We managed to Haphazardly at the Last fucking Minute to Reschedule Our Vacation that We missed it initially Due to an Absolute Asshole Actually Parked in the Middle of the Road. You see After the Accident We got a Rental Car because Out here in The Woods there is NO Public Transportation Or Uber, and Walking Distance is given in Miles. The Only issue with the Rental (which was Actually Pretty Decent as Rentals go) was the Insurance would Only cover it for So Long thus We ultimately needed a New Car to Replace the Wrecked One.

     

The Process was the Standard Basic Standard of a Pain in the Brain. I do have to say that My Auto Insurance Company did conduct Their business in a Timely and Polite Fashion, and that I truly Appreciate it. So the Day after the Crash Our Auto Insurance sent a Claims Adjuster or The Guy Who Informs You How Fucked Your Car (and Thus You in Turn) Actually Are. This One was an Easy Job for the Claims Adjuster because the Car was Obviously Totaled.

This is where I nearly had a fucking Heart Attack simultaneously with a Massive Stress induced Aneurysm when I find out The Check for the Totaled Car DOESN’T Cover My Wife’s Car Loan. Also to My Wife at that Particular Point COULDN’T Remember if She had or Had Not  Bought Gap Insurance when She Purchased the Car (again Honestly I fucking Forgot Too so that didn’t fucking Help Either).

This meant IF My Wife had in Fact Bought the Gap Insurance when it was Offered at the Time of Purchase it would Cover the Remainder of the Loan, and We’d Break Even which was fucking Fine by Us. If though She Hadn’t gotten the Gap Insurance Option We’d still be on the Hook for around $6,000 or So. Again it wasn’t Necessarily the Loss of Money (though it Didn’t fucking Help a lick for fuck’s Sake), but the Principle of the Matter.

        

What I mean is if the fucking Car is Totaled and the Auto Insurance Guys Report it’s fucking Totaled WHY fuck would I still be Obligated to Pay Off the fucking Loan. The Car is a Complete Loss, Utterly Unrepairable, Yet the Auto Loan Sacks of Shit are Going to make Us Pay Off the Loan in Full for like I said a Car that NO LONGER for all intents and Purposes fucking Exist Anymore. It’s Only Good for Scrap Metal. Talk about a Financial Fuck You. Thank the Universe My Wife did have the Foresight to Purchase Gap Insurance and We narrowly Dodged that Bullet.

Though We were Happy as Hell to Not be Shafted by Unnecessary  or Unjust Financial Debt We had just bought the Previous Car less than a Year ago, and Now found Ourselves in the Exact same Place. We had come Full fucking Circle Back to Square One. There was Small But VERY SIGNIFICANT Acceptation this Time Around that was a Bonafide Game Changer.

My Mother as it were had been Away Summering in the North as She is Apt to Do when She was Hit from Behind sitting at a Traffic Light. In the End Her Car was Reported as Totaled because the Impact had Bent the Car’s fucking Frame thus making it a Complete fucking Write Off. Now it is Important for Clarification Purposes that My Mother being the Obsessive Micro Manager that She is God Bless Her DID NOT MAKE AN IMPULSE BUY, it was in Fact an IMPATIENT BUY. The Different being She was so Impatient to Return to the Southern Country to Check in on Everything and Everyone She made a Quick (and Inappropriate) Purchase. She made sure it was a Safe and Reliable Car with Good Gas Mileage and all that Happy Horseshit, BUT She still Longed for Her Recently Lost (Totaled) Car None the Less.

        

Most People when They By a Car text Pictures and Babble incessantly about it to Everyone under the Sun it Seems, Yet My Mother didn’t. She Texted one Picture of Her New Car with a Caption Reading “My Boring New Car” and “It’s an Ugly Color” for Example. She Then promptly Named the Car Boring in French. All My Mother did was Compare Her New Car to the Old One and Depressively Point out the Various Differences in Options Blah, Blah, Blah. Well when She came and Rescued the Big Dog’s from the Accident Site and Later She gave The Big Dogs and I a ride Home noticed My Mother had started to Once again Point out Things She didn’t like about Her New Car.

The Thing is Last Time My Wife had Bought a Car She had Test Driven the Same Car My Mother had Purchased. The Only reason She didn’t Buy the Exact Same Car was She got a Better Deal Dollar Wise on the Second Car in Consideration. I decided to take a Chance and Informed My Mother that if She didn’t actually like He knew Car (and I was guessing the Idea of a Do Over would make Her fucking Day) that She could Sell it to My Wife.

By the Time We arrived back at Base Camp My Wife had already been dropped off by the Tow Truck Driver on His was to the Local Tow Yard. My Wife Echoed the Exact same sentiment as I had thus really Driving the Idea Home. What can I say other than it Worked the Next Day My Mother was Out Hitting Up Dealerships looking for the EXACT SAME CAR as the one She Lost. The Only Tricky Part was that Particular Make and Model had Discontinued by the Company that made it. Apparently and Get this it was TOO fucking Popular and They Maker’s were making Too Much Money Hand over Fist, but I digress.

Well to make a Long Story a Little Shorter One thing Lead to Another and by the Time We had to relinquish the Rental Car My Mother and My Wife had Worked Out all the Needed Details. As it Turns Out for Reasons that I will Not go into because I find them Tedious My Mother Gave (or in Tax Terms Gifted) My Wife the Car so We now have the Luxury of Not be Bleed By a Long Term Car Loan from a Bunch of Son of a Bitch Bankers.

Speaking of Which When My Mother Finalized the purchase of Her most current Car the Money Man tried to get one Over on My Mother buy Selling Her a Warranty She didn’t Need or Want to the Tune of $400. My Mother was Worn Out at the Time and Made a Note to Double Check this Warranty Bullshit which She did. You must Understand that as Far as Anyone can or could Tell My Mother looks and Behaves like a Classic Little Old Lady, but if You fuck with Her or Her Money then You’re going to End up the One Who gets Fucked. She made just one Phone Call the Following Day to the Car Dealership where She bought the Car, and I have No Clue what the fuck She Said Yet the Reactions She got was Poetic Justice. The Money Man Himself called to Apologize and Immediately Refund My Mothers Money. It didn’t End there as My Mother received several Extremely Apologetic Phone Calls from the Car Dealership’s Management.

Looks like this Post that was Supposed to Cover All of The So Called Bases as Some might be Apt to Say, but I’m going to Split it into 2 Parts since I’m fully aware the Longer the Post the more of a Strain it is On the Eyes and Attentions Span. So Keep Your Eyes out for “Glimpse Behind The Cloak Part 2: Next Stop the Great Southern Swamp.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Theres Something Shady Going On In The Pines.

It’s really No Secret I’m not exactly what One would call a Neighborly Type of Person I leave that shit to Mr. Rogers He’s the Professional. Now just because I don’t Interact Much at all with My Neighbors DOESN’T mean I’m Not Aware of what’s Going on in My Neighborhood mind You. Surprise I have Eyes and They work Well Enough.

For the First Time thus far I actually am Interested in Something Peculiar, (at least in My Opinion) that has been an On Going Scenario in My Neighborhood. If fact its has become Somewhat of a Preoccupation of Mine. I find Myself frequently wondering What the fuck is Really Going on with the New Neighbors who moved into Our Quit Little Neck of the Woods about a Year or Two Ago (I’m not doing the Math as I hate fucking Math and have the option Not To).

It reminds Me of a Couple of Movies I’ve seen of  the Years, and those are Alford Hitchcock’s “Rear Window” and Secondly The Tom Hanks Comedy “The Burbs”. Some say it is Life imitating Art while Others say it is Art Imitating Life, but No One knows for Sure which way it Goes.

       

In Hithcock’s “Rear Window” the Main Character is stuck at Home in a Wheel Chair with a Broken Leg. Naturally after a while He gets bored as hell, and picks up some Binoculars. He then started Spying on His Neighbors and with NO Actual Proof convinces Himself The Husband has Murdered His Wife. Inevitably the Spying leads too………I’m not telling You because You should see the Movie, and I’m not going to Give Anything Away.

In the Tom Hank’s Movie New Neighbors move in just a The Main Character taking a week off from Work for a Personal Vacation. The Main Character ironically enlists some of His fellow Neighbors to Help solve the Mystery of The Strange Sounds coming from The Creepy New Neighbors’s Basement Late One Night. What Could This Reclusive Family be Up To? Again I’m Not Telling You because I give it the Same Respect I do Hitchcock’s “Rear Window”, and believe You should in fact see the Movie for Yourself.

It all Started like I said about a Year or So Ago when a Unknot Purchaser Bought an Undeveloped Acre Lot down by where the Road leads in and out of the Neighborhood. Point being is anytime I do shit I drive Past it coming and Going so sue Me I See Shit.

The First Order of Business for The New People/Person because at that point No One Knew Shit because in the Woods People generally Keep to Themselves and this They Know. Anyway Whoever it was Bulldozed the entire Lot which Once was Woods into an Acre of Dirt. I know thats how it’s done a lot of the time, but that not My Point for that You’ll have to Read On.

They then left that Attractive Acre of Dirt standing Vacant for 4-5 Months which was Annoying to look at. Finally 2 Work Men arrived and Poured the Foundation which covered a total of 900 square feet Total Tops directly in the Middle of the Lot (I’m talking Dead goddamn Center).They then Left to Let the Foundation Dry, and returned about a Week or Two Weeks later.

This time the Two Guys erected the Wood Frame of again what appears to be a Tiny 900 foot Building. The following Day They returned to Slap up Some Aluminum Siding which lead Me to Believe that This Wasn’t going to be Someone’s Home/ House. The Construction and Materials indicated it was a Prefabricated Shed the type used here in the Woods to store Farming/Construction Equipment.

     

Once the Structure was Finished it was Move Puzzling than ever. The Tiny Structure Has a 2 Car Garage on One End and Enough Square Footage left Over for say a SMALL one Room Studio Apartment. The Apartment Scenario became Apparent when the Front Door Identical to Any Stereotypical American Home was Installed.

The Space could have in fact also be used as an Office as there a Lot of Very Small Businesses, and Side Jobs here in the Woods still. So it wouldn’t at all be out of the Realm of Reason that this Structure was to be used as a Small Mechanic Shop or something Similar. Yet if it was a Mechanic Shop Scenario why the Traditional Home Style Front Door, and what looked to be a Car Port at the Opposite End from the Garage?!

Things Only become more Curious as they became Confusing. All of a Sudden there were 5-7 Large Pick Up Trucks, and about 7-10 People there Daily. They appeared to be Construction Workers/Contractors. They would Show Up and either go inside or hang about out front by the Trucks. The Weird thing was there was still No Landscaping, there was NOTHING be Done to the Grounds, These Guys were focused on the ISIDE of the Building ONLY.

       

The Question at hand was Why the hell are all These Construction Guys showing Up since its a Small 900 ft Prefabricated Shed? What the fuck were They all doing Inside that Required All Those Construction Contractor Types?!  I mean the ENTIRE Building/Shed was put up by ONLY 2 GUYS in a matter of Hours with No Trouble at All.

Next They Drilled a Well which is Not really Note Worthy. You see We all Have Well Water since We live in the Woods where there is Little Infrastructure. That and Even Mechanics have to Wash Their Hands and Use the Restroom as well as for Cleaning Purposes I suppose.

What come Next was a Bit Unusual. They installed a Propane Tank which again NORMALLY wouldn’t mean dick out Here ACCEPT they installed a Propane tank that Could Fuel a 4,500 plus Square Foot Building. Seems extremely excessive You ask Me.

   

These Contractor Crew for lack of a Better Word worked 5-6 days a week for 4 months straight without Interruption. As Time Passed They brought in a Slew of Construction Equipment a Back Ho, a Small Steam Roller, Couple of Various BotCats, Bulldozer, and Trailers for Transporting Them. The weird thing is though The Machines NEVER LEAVE THE PROPERTY. They get moved around the Property, but Never actually Leave it. That would Rule Out a Small Construction Business or Equipment Rental Type Situation.

At this Time They Workers hooked up Electricity that was then used to Power Several external Halogen Lights which lit Up the Entire Acre Lot like a fucking Air Port Runway.  Anyways after about 4 Months the Workmen all stopped Coming, and there was a Large White Pick parked in the make shift Driveway every Night as if Someone was in fact living there.

After a Holding Period the Owner’s walled in the Car Port and Incorporated it into the Small Space off the Garage as if to Add Square Footage to the What now was now Apparently was an Actual Living Space. The after that the Next development was the Installation of an Extensive Underground  Ground Sprinkler System through out a Majority of the Lot, and to this Day it’s Only been used Twice. The Story doesn’t End there though things Quieted down at the Shady Shed on the Dirt Lot at least for Awhile that is.

       

Recently in the last 2 Months The Owners of Said Property have Purchased 2 Additional (Side By Side) Acre Lots that Bordered the back of Their Property Line. Staying True to Form the First fucking thing They Did was Cut Down EVERYTHING. This Time around though there were a Small Number of Trees Left Standing because Obviously before the could start Developing the Newly Purchased Lots/Land a Forrester had come through, and Marked the Trees that for One Reason or Another Prevented the Owners from Leveling.

The Odd thing is just like with the Clearing of the Initial Lot it seemed to have been done by Elves or Aliens. What I mean was there is a GREAT Deal of Noise and Commotion in such a Venture, BUT No One ACTUALLY witness a Single Tree being Cut Down. It’s as if It AlL Happens in the Blink of an Eye without making a Single Sound.No One saw Clearing Crews, Lumber Jacks, Foreman, Supervisors, Surveyors, Chain Saws, Wood Chippers (to dispose of Small Trees, Tree Limbs, and Various Under Brush) or The MASSIVE HEAVY Machinery used in these Type of Operations which Now Utilize Machines over Man.

        

The Owners then Had the Fallen Trees Stacked in a HUGE and rather Sloppy Pile, and proceeded to set it on Fire like Their own Personal Burning Man or some Hippy Dippy Artsy Fartsy Bullshit. Burning Yard/Forrest debris is Totally Legal, BUT People Burn Piles of Leaves and Twigs NOT A HUMUNGOUS PILE OF WHOLE FUCKING TREES.

They Cut, Stacked and Burned at 2 separate Clearings They created to Work within, and AGAIN Outside of the Spared Trees there was NOTHING LEFT BUT DIRT. And just like with the Initial Lot The Owners aren’t doing ANYTHING ELSE to Develop the Property or It’s Esthetics. It really does look like these Odd Assholes are Building a True Life fucking DIRT FARM.

        

As You can Imagine while all this Happy Horseshit was and Currently still is going on Plenty of People have come up with Explanations and Hypothesis of Their Own. Here are Some Examples:

  1. The Owners are DoomsDay Preppers.
  2. They Built an Underground Meth Lab.
  3. It’s an Illegal (in this State Currently) Marijuana Grow House.
  4. It’s some Unknown Military Operation or Outpost.
  5. They are Conducting Shady Scientific Experiments in an Underground Lab.
  6. They’re a Militia or Cult who are Stock Piling Guns and Ammo.
  7. They Build a Underground Torture Dungeon or a Kill/Murder Room.
  8. They are Shooting Dark Web Shit There like a Red Room Situation.
  9. They are Eco Terrorists Establishing a Secret Safe House of Sorts.
  10. The Owner Built an Underground Bunker to Store Something Mysterious.
  11. It’s a Training Ground/ Facility for The Military or Extremist Group.
  12. The Military is Interrogating Captured Terrorists and POWS there in Secret.
  13. The Are constructing an Underground Tunnel System for Something.
  14. They are creating Their own Catacombs.
  15. It’s Part of the Witness Protection Program like a Safe House.
  16. They are Housing Illegal Exotic Animals There in a Underground Warehouse.
  17. It’s a Top Secret Facility where the Government is Running an Illegal Cloning Program.
  18. It’s a Secret Lab for Unspecified Genetic Testing.
  19. They are Developing an Underground Bio Dome incase of a Nuclear War or Large Scale Chemical Attack Scenario.
  20. They are Aliens or Alien-Human Hybrids and this is a Transmitting Hub that They have Established to Communicate with One Another.

       

Well all I can do is Wait, Watch, See what I see, and Try to Figure Out What They’re doing in My Neck of The Pines.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

So My Neighbors Think I’m “Terrifying” Part 2: The Prequel

When We moved Home Offices from the Great Souther Swamp to The Souther Country We still had the task of Selling Our Old Home Offices. This was a HUGE fucking pain in the ass because on top of the usual bullshit We were doing an Out-Of-State Sale. What that Means is that with FYB fully relocated full time We had little fucking control since We were in a completely different State than the Property Itself.

Also in Commercial Realistate You’re not really Dealing with a Buyer. Thats to say rarely especially now a Days for a Buyer to be an Individual looking to start a New or Small Business (aka Mom & Pop Shop Operations/ Family Business). The People You do Deal with in this type of Realistate Transaction are Various Investors.  Investors are Natural Born Sons of Bitches & Bastards the Whole fucking Lot of Them.

Investors all Act like They’re some kind of Forbes 500 Mega Business CEO Top 10 List Motherfucker when in Reality very few actually are (Fuck Million Dollar Listing), but They act like The Most important Motherfucker on The Planet. As if They’re a fucking Gift to Humanity from the fucking Realistate Gods on High.

      

Anyway One Friday Morning I got a Franticly Urgent Text from Our Realtor will call Him Tool for all intensive purposes. Tool’s Text was to inform Me that there was a serious Investor on the Line, and I MUST CONTAT HIM IMMEDIATELY ASAP AS FUCK! WE HAD TILL 5PM TO RESPOND OR THE DEAL WAS DEAD.

This again has everything to do with the fact Investor’s are Self Righteous Fuckwits. Investor’s believing Themselves to be Realtor Royalty or some shit will make an offer be it 8am or 4:430pm, and then demand an Answer by the End of the Day like the Limp Dicks They actually are.

I of course instantly got on My Cell Phone and Texted Tool Back and then sat the fuck back and waited to hear back. I didn’t. So I start Texting Him AND E-mailing Him but again He DOESN’T respond. By 2pm I’m losing My shit since the Deal Dies in 3 hours, and We need time for a quick negotiation if need be so the Clock was seriously running the fuck out fast.

       

I end up Texting, E-mailing, AND CALLING Tool every 15-20 minutes growing both more Stressed about losing a Possibly really Good Deal, Confused as fuck since I had NO IDEA what was going on with Tool on His end, and Anger because who the fuck sends an URGENT TEXT like that and then Disappears of the face of the fucking Planet?!!

Now lets Fast Forward to 6:00pm were I’m still pacing like a fucking Mental Patient back and forth on the Front Porch attempting to reach Our Realtor tool, and My Wife arrives Home from Work. She can already tell before She even sets foot Outside of Her Car that some insane shit is Occurring.

My Wife comes up on the porch and plops down taking a seat in one of the Rocking Chairs on the Porch. I took a minute to try and comprise Myself so as soon as I opened My Mouth it wouldn’t be “FUCK! SHIT! FUCKING SHIT! MONEY, DEAD DEAL! FUCK REALTORS!!! ARRRRRRRGH!!!” Unfortunately 3 minutes into My explanation of the Days Events come completely Unglued.

        

The F-Bombs started Falling as if the Military had gone Mad. I yelled at the top of My lungs questioning what kind of asshole texts someone and then Ghosts them, and Raging that the Deal was Dead so We lost a ton of Money, Time, and Effort. I was screaming My insults to the Four Corners of the Earth for all it was worth using My entire Vocabulary of Obscenities, Blasphemies, and Other Looked Down Upon Language.

As far as I was fucking concerned this Rageful Emotional Eruption was well fucking Warranted since it been building up all Day, and had yet to come to it’s Final Conclusion. Summation being: Tool was a Twat.

Now it just so happened that after Living Here for many Months Our so called Neighbors to Our Left finally came over to get Acquainted. You know all that Personal Introduction,Welcome to the Neighborhood, and If You ever need something bullshit. Well I must again remind Our Dear Reader’s that out here in the Southern Country NO ONE Raises their voice in Public more or less Yell at the Top of Their Lungs. And They DEFINITELY DO NOT CURSE OR USE ANY PROFANITY PERIOD (Being used in Public being considered the Worst Offense).

      

In Addition Our Neighbors are very pleasant People, but Quiet and rather Meek, They’re simply Soft Spoken Law Abiding Church Goers. With that said after Rioting like a Deranged Foul Mouthed Mental Patient for 10-12 minutes I just so happened to glance over into The Neighbor’s backyard. The first Thought to go through My Mind was “Well I think it’s Safe to Say We won’t be Talking To Them Again.”

There They were Our Rental and Kind New Neighbors standing Petrified by what They have just born witness to. The Husband is standing as rigid and Stone Faced as a fucking Buckingham Palace Guard clutching a rake tightly at His side. His Wife was Frozen with a Garbage Bag full of Lawn Debris grasped firmly in Her Left Hand, and a Gloved Hand full of Small Twigs She had been gathering up. Her face was Paralyzed Wide Eyed with Mouth Agape like a Surprised Cartoon Character.

       

Since then They have slowly warmed up to My Wife, but as for Me They have Never even looked in My direction again to this Day. They Literally keep Their Heads down staring at the fucking Ground, and remain Silent desperately trying to Not Be Noticed Nor Acknowledged. Like Dogs with Their Tails between Their Legs.

IN THE END: Our Realtor called at 6:30pm and explained He had fucking Jury Duty all Day so He couldn’t use His fucking Phone. The only comment I had then was Why the fuck wouldn’t He tell Me that in the Initial Message instead of Driving Me fucking up the Walls all goddamn Day?!

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

So My Neighbors Think I’m “Terrifying”

As some of Our Reader’s are aware Last Week We had an Insanely Absurd 2 Day Technical Issue (Wednesday & Thursday). Since I don’t handle Stress well it turns Me into an Aggressively Neurotic 3 Ring Circus Sideshow, and am utterly unpleasant to be around in all Honesty.

Since We had spent 2 days going around and around like a bunch of Drunken Assholes trying (virtually in vain) at that point to fix said issue I took Friday Off from working on FYB. Consider it a Mental Health Day if You will. I spent Friday watching B Horror Movies, fucking around the House, and Wrestling with Our Pack of Dogs. It was very uneventful that was until Friday Evening anyways.

I was sitting on My couch scrolling through Troma Movies Filmography when My (and FYB’s) Good Friend and Awesome Artist N@P dropped Me a line. I have always been a “Talk and Walk” type of Person, and being so when I’m on the Phone I pace back and forth like a fucking caged Animal on the Front Porch while I’m on the Phone. This time was No Different.

       

I happily answered the Phone and headed out on to the Porch for a invigorating Conversation with N@P. While on the Phone venting about the Tech Issue I noticed the very last of my E-Liquid was almost completely depleted. Because I live in the Middle of Fuckall I order My E-Liquid via The Internet, and a week had gone by so it HAD to be here. I have NEVER had a problem of ANY SORT with My E-Fluid Site, and They Delivered in 3 days WITHOUT FAIL so They had to be in the Mailbox.

As I continued My conversation with N@P I strolled over to My Mailbox to retrieve My badly needed E-liquid Supply. I Opened the Mailbox and Low and Behold the Actual Mail (Letters, Junk, Flyers, and Bulk Mail Bullshit, BUT NO E-FLUIDS. I being already stressed went absolutely Batshit.

       

Not only was I out of E-Fluid, My E-Fluid apparently was MIA, and one other VERY IMPORTANT DETAIL. The previous Week a Young Man looking to be 17 or so suddenly pulled into My Driveway on His Dirt Bike (Bicycle). He slowly approached Me and sheepishly asked if I would buy Him E-Fluid. I had had a couple Beers so I wasn’t Driving period more or less to get some strange Punk Ass Kid some E-Fluid.

Not to mention I have literally NO fucking idea where the hell I could purchase E-Fluid in My remote Area of the World. I relayed both those points to the Young Man and He inevitably then fucked off as I wasn’t going to be any use to His punk ass.

Now back the The Present………

I flew into a Rage as I was convinced the Punk Kid stole My shit since He got all fucking bent because I would drop what I was doing, and go drunk driving to get Him E-Fluid. I had fucked up and divulged I order Mine from a WedSite so He literally knew They were in the Mail as it were.

       

I started ranting insanely that I knew the fucking little sack of shit stole My shit, He was being a pissed off little fuck, and I wanted to beat the holy fuck out of Him, but I was fully aware that attacking a Minor gets You Arrested and I don’t need the fucking Hassle of it all. N@P did a splendid Job of Talking ME Off The Ledge, Zen Returned, Reason was again trumped Emotion, and all was right with the World.

I kid You not more than 3 minutes later the Punk Ass Kid is riding His bike down My Street, and has the balls to wave at Me I thought. I figured the Little Shit would go the traditional Plausible Deniability route, and act all fucking surprised before taking My side in the “Steeling Shit is Fucked” overall argument. I didn’t let the Little Shit get a single fucking Word out when He once again pulled into the end of My Driveway.

I unloaded and unleashed the Fury of The Nordic Gods upon this poor Young son of a bitch. The first words out of My mouth were “YOU STOLE MY SHIT! WHERE IS MY SHIT! YOU BETTER GO GET ME MY SHIT YOU STOLE!” followed by informing Him He should “Fuck right the Hell Off before I changed My fucking mind and Came the fuck down off My fucking Porch to Totally fuck up His Day.

     

The Kid for His part sat on His Bike and said NOTHING. My point is He didn’t defend Himself He never once said ‘No I DIdn’t Steal Your Shit” or “I have No Idea what Your talking about.” or “I’m innocent, I didn’t do it.”

If I’m accusing You of stealing My Shit whatever it may be in My mind an innocent Person would not only Defend Themselves they would hold Their ground and continue to do so. If You like this Kid say and do NOTHING I’ll take that Silence as an Admission of Guilt because obviously Your silence indicates to Me I got Your guilty ass.

Anywho I finally stop My Tirade long enough for the Kid to make a get away. As He departed the scene The Kid in Question said something over His shoulder which I couldn’t make out, BUT assumed it was some sort of insult. So this prompted Me to Yell “I know where you fucking live if I want to find You.” I of course have No fucking Idea where this Kid calls Home.

       

I then remembered I was on the phone currently with N@P who was finding the whole thing a combination of utterly Hilarious and Complete Confusion. He asked for verification of what had just occurred and I filled Him in. N@P laughed as He pictured the scenario in His head. After a few more minutes N@P and I hung up and that was that. Until Later That Night………

A Little after 8 pm as I crack open another Beer there is a Loud Knock on My Door. This was surprising because NO ONE Knocks on Our Door, and NO ONE has in the last 2 years. Like I said I live deep in the Woods out by a Larger Pond. I knew though what was up. At My Front Door was either Mom, Dad, Older Brother or Sister come to see about the Earlier Confrontation. As it turned out it was His Mother.

       

She asks aggressively if I had a run in with Her Kid to which I reply Yes in an equally aggressive tone. I then explained the E-fluid Incident to Her in full at which point She admits that the Kid was Acting Up Recently since swiping Schools, Was in Fact only 14 years Old, Father is Not in the Picture really, The Kid toys to get People to do shit like Buy Him E-Fluids. I apologized for over reacting based on an asinine presumption, and My over all shitty Unbecoming Behavior.

The Mother then tells Me that Her Son was Terrified by Me and based on what She had been told She thought I was indeed Terrifying. Then all of a sudden She calls the fucking Kid out of the Car just to make shit more awkward or whatever. I say sorry to the Kid, and He tells Me looking Dead in My eye and I quote He said “You Terrified Me I’ve never been around someone acting like that before, I had No Idea what to do.”

So Ends yet another Chapter in The Bewildering Book Of The Life and Times of Me Les Sober.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Not All Swings Are For Children…

One of My Dearest Friends Mr. Matt (who died far too young) who wasn’t just a incredible Story Teller he also had some of the best Stories I’ve ever had the pleasure of hearing.

I found Myself the other evening indulging in a few too many Beers and reminiscing about My time with Mr. Matt when I realized I could help immortalize Mr. Matt’s insane Stories by Posting them.

I then realized that since its been much longer than I can comprehend since the World Lost Mr. Matt and that I’m only getting Older if I was going to help preserve Mr. Matt’s Wonderful Tales I better start soon as possible.

Thats the only malfunction of Memory is that while it helps us remember our friends and Family etc. its designed to Fade, and I can’t in good conscience let these Terrific Tales fall by the wayside to be forgotten.

Mr. Matt and I shared a common confusion when it came to kids and communication. Thats to say We both liked kids its just when it comes to talking to kids it was an exercise in awkwardness.

I think its because kids have several behavioral/emotional/intellectual stages pertaining to their age, and its hard for me to tell what phase the child is in thus how to exactly relate to it. Let me explain a bit here.

The Stages as I understand them are basically this. First the kid is a “Newborn” then it transitions into an Infant. From there Kids evolve into Toddlers, and then the kid hits some shit called “The Terrible 2s” (which means your kid is going to be a real asshole so heads up)

Then the kid hits double digits turning 10, and I have no fucking clue what so fucking ever what the fuck the “Tween Years” are or about.

Then Puberty hits the Kid like a freight fucking Train and all hell started breaking loose like a real Shit Storm. I fully believe NO ONE can actually communicate with a Teenager THEIR RAGING ASSHOLES.

So without Further A do Here is Mr. Matt’s “Not All Swings Are For Children”

It was a fine fucking day in the sweltering Great Southern Swamp and Mr. Matt and His Partner were lounging about lazily sipping cocktails as they milled idly about the house.

Now there was at the time a little girl around the age of 5 or so who lived a few houses down the street from Mr.Matt who had become utterly infatuated by Mr. Matt and His Partner. She had started a habit of leaving little tokens and presents (like little crafts, a drawing so on and so forth) on their Welcome matt outside the front door.

Well apparently the Father of said Little Girl has decided to walk over to Mr. Matt’s house with his young daughter in tow. He wanted to see if the Neighbors were ok with his kid leaving presents outside their door daily (like a fucking Cat leaving you a dead mouse to help really make your morning.)

Mr. Matt and His Partner answered the door and invited the two inside for a quick social bullshit chat. The adults were standing around in a loose triangle formation discussing the topic of the Child’s obsessive present giving.

Things were going fine as the mundane chitchat rambled on until Mr. Matt looked down and noticed the Daughter was missing having wondered off to explore the rest of his house. Mr. Matt panicked though he hid it well.

You see Mr. Matt and His Partner had a “Adults Only” room in their house shall we say, and Mr. Matt realized instantly that the normally secured door to the “Adults Only” room had been carelessly left open.

Mr. Matt raced around the house as fast as he could without raising suspicion that is, and as one would imagine he found the Child inevitably in the “Adults Only” Room looking around all wide eyed and innocent.

Mr. Matt quickly collected the Little Girl and returned with her to the Living Room were Mr. Matt continued to chat all the while wondering what the fuck the kid might say or do since her brief adventure behind the curtain as it were.

Right as the conversation is winding down and the Father and his Young Daughter get ready to leave the kid announced excitedly

“Hey Daddy, They have a SWING in Their HOUSE!!!”

The moment of silence that followed was beyond awkward as I’m sure everyone there was scrambling around in their skulls trying to think of what possibly could they say or do about this surprise situation.

At last the Father looked down at his Young Daughter and replied

“Well Lets get you home and Bleached Off.”

And that was the last time Mr. Matt or His Partner ever saw either the Father nor His Daughter ever again.

The Presents Continued until the Family finally moved out of the area 2 years later.

Thanks for Reading,

 Les Sober

A Longstanding Joke Goes From Funny To Fubar* In Seconds.

When I was growing up there where two eccentric’s if you will. One I have already written about in a previous post who was known as Smiley Jesus among the neighborhood kids. This post pertains to the second.

She was a woman in here mid to late fifties with long mostly white hair tied up in a loose bun. She wore a full length goose down style winter coat no matter what time of year it was. She was always sporting  Jackie O. like sunglasses the ones with the huge circular frames. She also had applied so much rouge that it fully covered both of her cheeks in giant clown like circles. Her uncommon attire also included a Golf Visor, and lastly a pair of cheap white velcro sneakers. This may have well been her official uniform because it NEVER changed EVER.

Aside from her bizarre sense of fashion the other key aspect about Her was she never spoke. Not a single word. At most she might have flashed a quick smile as she walked by with her hands in her jacket pockets. Come to think of it I don’t think I ever saw her hands out of her jacket pockets.

Now we fast forward a bit and I’m now 16 or so and dating my first real Girlfriend/High School Sweetheart who lived in the neighborhood adjacent to mine. I asked her one day if she had seen this odd woman walking around in her neighborhood as well growing up. Not only did she yes she had, but she went on to tell me that the Woman in question actually lived somewhere  in her neighborhood.

We tried half assed measure in lame attempts to locate the weird Woman’s house to no avail. We had all but lost interest when we got some additional information pertaining to the peculiar Woman’s back story.

The information came from my Girlfriend’s Mother. It turned out that her Mom grew up at the same time, in the same town, and went to the same school as the strange Woman. Apparently the Woman was not what you would call popular by any means. In fact she was bullied pretty brutally from the few stories we were told by my Girlfriend’s Mother, and she was as guilty as the rest when it came to relentlessly tormenting the Woman as a Girl.

The one story I remember was my Girlfriend’s Mother telling us she and her gang of friends from school lured the Woman then just a girl to some near by woods. They then tied her to a tree and berated the shit out of her non stop for over an hour. Once they got tired of teasing her to the point of tears they up and left her there tied to a tree. No one knows the exact details but obviously someone heard her crying for help or passed by and cut her free.

Needless to say as the story got darker the more I found myself fascinated by the morbidity of it all. A months or so after hearing the tortured tale of the Woman’s unhappy childhood (on no day in particular) my Girlfriend and I decided to go for a late day walk. It was the middle of July so we hid inside clinging to the Air Conditioning until dusk when it was cool enough to venture outside.

We had only gone about 5 or 6 blocks when all of a sudden we became aware of a extremely heated argument. This wasn’t surprising since being Summer many people left the front door open optimizing their screen doors to enjoy the cool Summer evenings.

The chaotic commotion was coming from a house to our right that stood atop a small hill. The front door was indeed wide open allowing anyone passing buy to hear the insanity inside, and I do mean insanity. We heard a lady screaming at the top of her lungs, and we knew that we had accidentally stumbled across the Weird Woman’s house. We both turned and stared at one another in shear shock and awe at first, and then we returned our attention back to the madness raging inside of this otherwise absolutely normal looking suburban home.

The sounds emulating from the front door where like none I had never heard before in my life, and have rarely heard since. The Woman was in the middle of what seemed to be an argument that was spiraling out of control. The Woman was intensely enraged and her blood curdling screams in were purely primal.

I couldn’t tell you what the fuck the argument was about, but that is more than likely because we only heard one side of the argument. This was due to the fact that whoever the Woman was yelling at so savagely DIDN’T EXIST. They weren’t imaginary either like a hallucination (though now that I’m mulling it over she could have been hallucinating, but not because of Drugs but due to Mental Illness of some sort.) Anyway for all intensive purposes it appeared that the Woman  having a knock- down-drag- out fight with her Dead Husband.

We stood there for several minutes completely mesmerized by the madness we were witnessing. It was quite clear that this Woman was just an eccentric  she was legitimately batshit crazy. Once the terrible trance wore off my Girlfriend and I hightailed the hell out of there, and didn’t even pause for a brief second to look back.

And ever since that fateful evening We have  never passed by that house again even though the psychotic Woman passed away many, many years ago.

(*FUBAR stands for Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition)

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober  

Joy & Gary: An Exercise in the Psychotic

Lets be real we have all had them before and chances are we will have them again, and no I’m not talking about Crabs. I’m talking about NEIGHBORS oh yes my friend Neighbors those people living next door to us all. We are all pretty familiar with the different types of Neighbors one can have noting that the best Neighbor is either no Neighbor at all or an Anti Social Neighbor.

You have the Nosey Neighbor always lurking around looking for something to fucking to find fault or issue with. The Young Neighbors those special first time apartment dwellers who run rampant because they haven’t realized they no longer live at home, and thus have to clean up their own shit, and act like a fucking adult not a feral 18 year old. Then there the Overly Friendly Neighbors the ones that want to be your BFF for LIFE and go one family vacations together or celebrate the holidays with. Theres the Party Neighbors who live in a eternal frat party blaring shitty EDM while playing endless games of beer pong. There’s the Arguing Neighbors who make the assholes on Jerry Springer look like the Micky Mouse Club, and are willing to fight morning, noon or night because apparently they have no jobs to go to. The Geriatric Neighbors who complain incessantly about anything and everything you do, how loud you do it, and when you choose to do it. The New Parent Neighbors/ Multiple Child Neighbors are not the same ,but are closely related as the bottom line is their annoying kids become your problem as well as you hear every goddamn temper tantrum.

Alright enough of the example listing bullshit. The point is Neighbors are annoying and a constant nuisance that honestly we all rather not have to deal with at all.  I have encountered every extreme when its come to my past Neighbors from Almost Dead to Crackhead, and every deviant in-between. Thats Why I consider myself extremely lucky now a days that I have absentee Neighbors. They only show up a couple times a year for a few days to hang out with family and shit. But when the question arises “Who was the Worst of the Worst” pertaining to my past Neighbors the answer hands down without a doubt is Joy & Gary .

I was living Phase 2 of my life in The Great Southern Swamp, and was living with my good friend Nightmare. My Wife and I also where spending more and more time together during this period as well. Nightmare and I lived in a typical Swamp Condo with a mundanely generic floor plan. Essentially you walked into a small enclosed courtyard (enclosed by a 8 foot privacy fence) and straight to the front door. Once you entered the condo you were facing the stairs up to the bedrooms. On the right was the Living Room and to the left was the dinning room and down stairs bathroom. The kitchen was located around the corner past the dinning room. Now in true Swamp fashion the condo had NO WINDOWS which is really fucking weird to say. Instead of windows the architects used Sliding Glass Doors like the kind you commonly find in a house leading to the backyard/pool/deck. Once you went upstairs the guest bedroom was directly in front of you and the master was to the left of a small landing. The bedrooms both had Sliders leading out to a  balcony overlooking the courtyard. That meant essentially that 4 walls of our condo where made of fucking glass.

Ironically Joy & Gary lived 25 feet to the right of our condo in a separate set of units that neighbored our building seperated only by a narrow sidewalk running in-between the two units. Joy & Gary fell into the “Arguing Neighbor” Category. That though my friend is just the tip of the iceberg. Joy & Gary would fight any hour of the day or night with ALL 4 SLIDERS OPEN. Their arguments were fucking epic and lasted for HOURS (I mean 3,4,5 or more hours) NON STOP I swear they didn’t fucking stop to breathe. To make shit crazier Joy & Gary had a young son about 7 if I had to and am guessing named Albert and his best friend a cocker spaniel who’s name I do not recollect. During Joy & Gary’s hellacious fights you’d never hear a single peep from Albert or the Dog. In fact 95% of what we were subjected to was solely Joy’s tirades as Gary seldom spoke and even in the heat of battle when he raised his voice it was only a grabbled mumble sort of like Charlie Brown’s teacher. As for Joy aka the star of the shit show more than likely had some serious and legit mental health/ emotional issues, well it sounded that way to us. Joy would SCREAM BLOODY MURDER at the top of her lungs like a demonically possessed savage warrior, and the stamina of a Track and Field Olympic Gold Medalist.

Now this is the strangest part of it all it was the topics of their knock down drag out verbal fisticuffs. For the sake of time for both the reader and myself I have the Top 5 Most Absurdly Savage Argument Topics from the Joy & Gary Wars. Joy’s Quotes are in all actuality virtually verbatim.

Topic 1 Sample: “IF You Don’t Walk The Dog Gary I’m Going To Divorce You!”

J: “GAAAAAARY! Walk the fucking dog Gary, walk the goddamn dog!”

G. (Unintelligible Garbling)

J: “Gary if you don’t walk the dog I’ll DIVORCE YOU! YOU HERE ME GARY?! YOU HEAR THAT GARY?!! I work all damn day and you won’t walk the dog by god Gary you sleazy shit, are you boozing it up at the boogie bar Gary? Sucking down shitty cocktails starring at fake tits?!I’ll divorce you, I’ll take everything, EVERY FUCKING THING! Walk the Dog Gary, WALK THE DOG OR ITS DIVORCE! You don’t DO SHIT GARY, you don’t do a GODDAMN THING AROUND HERE! WALK THE DOG GARY OR I’LL DIVORCE YOU, I’LL FUCKING DIVORCE YOUR FAT ASS!”

Topic 2 Sample: “Don’t Send Your Drug Dealer To My Job”

J: “FUCK YOU GARY, I don’t know what is going on? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON GARY?! Are you working Gary, I work all fucking day and DON’T SEND YOUR DRUG DEALER TO MY JOB! I won’t be fired for you Gary, I’m not getting fucking fired over your bullshit.(Primal Scream) BULLSHIT GARY BULLSHIT! BIG PIMPING DOPE DEALING THUG!What the fuck is this Gary, Gary WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT THE FUCK GARY?! You shooting dope in your dick again Gary because I know that dope dick game already! I bust my ass and god knows what the fuck your doing, DO YOU HAVE TRACK MARKS ON YOUR PECKER GARY?! what are you doing Gary WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!(Scream with Unintelligible dialogue) Don’t EVER GARY, FUCKING DON’T its fucking ridiculous DON’T SEND YOUR DRUG DEALER TO MY JOB GARY!!”

Topic 3 Sample: “Where Do You Go All Day?!”

J: “Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck! Fucking stop the shit Gary! (Prolonged Scream) Where do you go, where do you go all day Gary? You working Gary what the fuck you said your working a job, what fucking job? You giving out hand jobs in the Home Depot parking lot or WHAT?! I don’t know where you go all day, you could be fucking off drinking your ass off at the goddamn bar with your bullshit buddies Gary or your slumming at the sex shops on the edge of town like a dirty old perverted man?!. I pay the bills Gary I PAY THE GODDAMN BILLS! BILLS NOT BULLSHIT GARY! You could be on Meth again for all I know pan handling for dope money for fucks sake!! I don’t know where you go all day, what do you do Gary What is it pray tell you do all fucking day as I work till my goddamn back is breaking, ITS BREAKING GARY, MY FUCKING BACK IS BREEEEEAAAAAKING! YOUR BREAKING MY BACK GARY, Where do you go ALL DAAAAAAAY?!!!”

Topic 4 Sample: “Where The Receipts?!’

J:”Where are they? Where are the goddamn receipts Gary? I gave you money Gary money I worked my tits off for and you don’t bring me any fucking receipts? Where the fuck is the money Gary what you spend it on High Grade Japanese Sex Dolls, is that it Gary you fucking dirty old pervert, you a pervert Gary is that where the money is going or what, what Gary (Loud Howling) You banging Bath Salts Gary, You getting fucked up on Flakka again Gary is that it?!  Wheres MY MONEY?! What did you do spent it on what you won’t tell me, is it a fucking secret, WHATS THE FUCKING SECRET GARY,  You financing Cheap Local Porn again at the Welfare Motels Gary? GARY! WHERE ARE THE RECEIPTS!

Topic 5 Sample: “What Happened To Dinner?!”

J:” SO GARY what the hell happened to dinner?! Did you snort our dinner Gary, did you fucking snort it up your fucking nose?! I come home and theres no dinner, you promised dinner you wanted off my shit list GARY. What the fuck have you been up to, you weren’t sure as hell making dinner you bastard! YOU SON OF A BITCH! (High Pitched Wail) YOU SON OF A BITCH! What happened to dinner Gary you spend our food money on porn again, where you at the scummy porno shops again you PEEP SHOW PERVERT! Jerking off in a shitty adult book store like a demented OLD FUCK! I’m starving Gary this shit is bullshit, what happened to DINNER?! You fuck a hooker with it Gary did you bang some crackhead bitch with a std ridden twat under the freeway over pass was that WHAT HAPPENED TO DINNER?!”

Sometimes we would listen and laugh or make a drinking game out of their arguments (drink every time Joy screams GARY!) but most of the time it was a huge paining the ass being forced to listen to insane shit like those two psychos Joy & Gary. But to be honest Joy & Gary’s arguments were deeply disturbing considering this was a almost daily/nightly occurrence. 7 or 8 months before We moved Joy & Gary disappeared. I honestly have no idea what the hell could have become of these two tyrannical twats but here are some scenarios. Somebody finally called in the Cops and Gary or Joy were arrested and the other took the kid and ran for the fucking hills. Either Joy or Gary Died and the other took the kid and split. Gary could have had Joy committed to a mental institution and hit the road with his son in tow. It could also have been a murder suicide, but that shit would have made the news and I think we would have noticed if our psychotic neighbors went apeshit crazy and offed each other. Now with that said Joy or Gary could have murdered the other and fled town and possible prosecution. All in All if I had to make a definitive guess Gary killed Joy and headed to Mexico with his son Albert.

Thanks For Reading,

Les Sober