Tag: obscene language

IF Your Feeling Froggy I Can Gladly Eat Your Legs.

Here is the briefest of glimpses into my manic mind.

2 weeks ago I had to have  a Surgical Procedure done as an insurance policy as it were. It wasn’t a big deal. Nothing to break a sweat over.

What I mean is it was a same day type deal. Your admitted in the Morning and discharged in the Afternoon (I mean fuck I was home a little before 1:30 pm)

Everything went smooth as a Sex on Satin Sheets that is until I arrived in Post Op.

You see I was born in The Armpit of America so swearing is highly integrated into my speech pattern.  Thats is simply I curse a lot.

Now over the years with Age and some Wisdom I have managed to keep my shit together and roll with the punches, BUT I am far, far, FAR from perfect.

There are a few times/situations/scenarios where granted I do still tend to go from Calm to Batshit Crazy in the blink of a eye.

Its a fucking Nightmare for ALL involved myself included (no one truly wants or strives to be a complete Dick or an outrageous Asshole or perhaps they do who knows not I.)

I mentioned in the last post F To The U To The C To The K To The Part To The 2 (that besides arguing absurdity while fucking with people to amuse myself when things get boring) I win the Mass Majority of my actual real deal arguments by Arguing Intelligently.

The Trick is a combination of the Other Party not being as nearly as smart as they think they are, They Don’t actually know that much about what Their arguing about/over, and Their underestimating their opponent knowledge on said subject.

And Here is a Perfect Example.

Once I had a moment to gather my surroundings and ability to speak without babbling incoherently I started talking with My Wife and My Dear Friend Percibles who We had flown in to assist Me while I recovered.

I’m extremely independent. I won’t even ask My Wife for help during temporary physical limitations because I should be able to cope with whatever the task is by Myself regardless of said limitations. Thus Percibles Presence was requested.

Anyway a particular Nurse swung back the privacy curtain with force and told me to watch my mouth with a scowl of disapproval painted across her fucking face.

I initially thought nothing of it because I was Beat Up and Half Whacked on Pain Killers while Muddle Minded due to the lingering Anesthesia. So I kept chatting with My Wife and Buddy Pericbles and I was unaware at first that I was continuing to swear like a Drunken Sailor.

That was until The No Nonsense Nurse whipped back the privacy curtain for the second time to inform me to watch my language because there were kids there while trying to stare me down.

That irritated me because in all honesty I didn’t tell anyone to have fucking kids.

If you have an issue with that last statement think of it like this if I had a misbehaving Dog you’d think the same thing I just said about Kids.

That and don’t fucking try and be all tough with me with that bullshit stare down bullshit, save that shit for Dogs.

I’ll let that sink in for a second. And We’re Back…..

So once the Nurse closed the privacy curtain (I could see her shadow silhouette standing there like a fucking Horror Movie) and turned to leave I deliberately said something to the affect of :

“I don’t fucking need her self righteous bullshit right now Jesus Christ.”

That got the desired reaction as the Nurse threw back the Curtin like a fucking Hurricane force gale, glaring like a motherfucker being obviously pissed off and growing incapable of hiding it.

This time she told me that apparently if I didn’t stop swearing she’d call Security. And that did not go over well.

I was born Loath and despise any and all Authority Figures. Authority is just Abuse of Power Run Amok. I mock Security Guards mercilessly always have and always will.

The reason is technically their an Authority BUT they have NO REAL AUTHORITY TO DO A DAMN THING. The most Security Guards can do is try and detain a suspect until the Police arrive.

Security Guards are a lame illusion of an Authoritative Power. Total Bullshit.

So once again as the Nurse shut the curtain and turned to leave I blurted out: “Fuck This Bullshit and Fuck Her Too for all I fucking care.”

This time the Nurse stormed off only to return with an Orderly or some low level grunt and I was relocated to what I can only assume was a spare Exam Room of some kind but I really couldn’t tell you for sure.

BEFORE YOU GET JUDGMENTAL HERE Is The Method to My Madness.

Incident One: Like I said initially I was unaware do to My then current condition aware I was swearing. I don’t mind nor take offense to anyone telling me/ reminding Me to watch my mouth. Thus No Harm No Foul.

Incident 2: I damn well know (because I’ve had surgery before, been in the Hospital a few times before, and oh yeah My Wife is a fucking Nurse (RN) for the past 10 fucking years) that society has long ago established that Adults go to the Hospital and Children go to Children’s Hospital designed to cater to the various needs of developing Children.

In a few rare cases that are the acceptation to the rule a Hospital may treat Children in a separate and secluded building.

My Point: ADULTS AND CHILDREN ARE TREATED IN SEPARATE FACILITIES.

I knew this was a blatant attempt into shaming me or making me feel guilty so I would stop Cursing.

Incident 3: I was also knew that the Threat of Security being called was utter horseshit from the get go. First off I’m in Post Op which means legally I can’t be moved. I also know ONLY A DOCTOR can discharge you.

Not to mention My Doctor had a couple more post op checks to do plus I had to go through the rather lengthy discharge process. Again proving that I COULD’T be removed from or discharged from the Hospital.

If the Nurse had even tried it be a race between My Doctor and the Hospital to see who fired her first. Not to mention t(hat just like Doctors or Lawyers) Nurses have Licenses that if revoked means They’d  be barred from practicing in the Medical Profession.

Not to mention First Off Security would decline her request to phone the Police because CURSING ISN’T A CRIME. Can you say 1st Amendment?!

In the case Security was dumb as a box of fucking rocks and did phone the Police the Police would tell them the same thing. That and don’t call them over trivial bullshit again or they’d be in trouble for doing so.

My point in all this is the Nurse PERSONALLY took offense to my course language, it had nothing to do with Hospital Rules/Protocol, Security or The Police.

Bottom Line DON’T TRY AND FORCE FEED ME YOUR PERSONAL OPION(S).

Thanks for Reading,

 By Les Sober

The Delinquent Detective Ep.1 : Screaming at a Deaf Dog

Heads Up For Readers: There is a good bit of obscene language and blasphemies contained within this piece.
Rock Hard woke with a startle one hand one his set of bulbous brass balls, and in the other empty bottle of Lithuanian Whisky.
The goddamn phone was ringing relentlessly BRING! BRING! like a goddamn banshee. Rock sat up and wearily rubbing his face trying to dispel the thick fog of yesterday.
Rock was no stranger to the endless trials and tribulations of life not by a long shot. Bullshit was his bread and butter.
Rock slowly made his way to the phone his feet shuffling across the thick scummy orange shag carpet barefoot.
Rock lit a cigarette irritated that some dumb son of a bitch had the fucking nerve to call him this early in the goddamn day. Rock reached the phone and unplugged it. Whoever it was fuck them thought Rock to himself.
Finally Rock thought to himself. Rock found people to be unbelievably irritating at best.
Rock proceeded to get ready for the dismal day that lay before him. Once Rock had shit, showered, and shaved Rock headed out to the office.
Locking the door behind him he started down the hall of The Royal Hotel lined with various delinquents. The monthly crew of cantankerous characters that inhabited The Royal Hotel, one of the BigCity’s finest flop house, was an unending revolving door of debauchery.
Rock tolerated these assholes because in a flea bag shithole no one sees shit, hears shit or says shit especially the police.
The residents of The Royal were the lowest of the low. There were junkies, hookers, pimps, cults, drunks, drug dealers, shut ins, welfare cases, white trash, Neo Nazi’s (that hangout at the lobby bar), traumatized Vietnam vets, thieves, bikers,and the mentally ill with no family.
It wasn’t always that way though. Back in its heyday The Royal played host to musicians, writers, artists, film makers running the entire gamete of the art world.
Business men booked suites for their corrupt conferences where they found ways to fuck over the working man. The staff was professional and proud to be part of The Royal.
Now Tina “Two Tits” Earner the local hooker was constantly prowling for pricks in the Hotels shitty dive-like bar. Homeless Hank the blocks beloved gutter dwelling bum was living in the lobby. The rest of The Royal was a fucking freak show a goddamn insane circus.
Ignoring the nasty noises of fighting and fucking that bled through the paper thin walls Rock made his way to the downstairs. Rock stopped briefly to shoot the shit with the front desk clerk.
The clerk was an anciently old man who worked the front desk and had for 52 years named Barnabas.
“Whats going on you nasty old bastard?” Rock asked casually with no real interest.
“I’m just a goddamn gargoyle perched on this goddamn stool watching the derelicts and dopers coming and going, it’s an endless parade of the broken and disheveled . Once the sun sets the city streets flood with sinners,” replied Barnabas weirdly staring off into space.
Rock stared at Barnabas wondering if he was senile or just being a mean old shit .
Rock walked briskly to the front door to escape the scum of the Earth confined within the rancid Royal.
Before exiting Rock checked to make sure he had his two faithful companions with him his flask and his revolver. Once he had established he was in possession of both Rock burst out on to the street.
Rock waded through the littered streets coated in filth and grim. The bums lurking in doorways like living corpses that had abandoned all hope in humanity.
The hookers were returning home after a long cold night on the street selling their souls as well as their snatches.
Junkies posted on the corners heckling change from the few regular folk who hadn’t fled the dying neighborhood bathed in decay.
Over laying graffiti adorned the street plastered across walls and any available space was now coated in spray paint.
Rock didn’t mind the dereliction in fact he welcomed it. People are parasites that don’t belong in palaces was his opinion.
At least when your deep in the shit surrounded by the dregs of society you know where you stand.
There is honesty in hooliganism. You can take everything at face fucking value, no bullshit required.
Rock chain smoked a whole pack of cigarettes on his wayward walk to work. So what if smoking led to fucking cancer Rock didn’t give a rats ass what the Surgeon General had to say on the subject.
Rock picked up a couple of new packs of smokes at newspaper stand around the corner from his office. Rock’s office was a located in the Burner building within walking distance from The Royal.
The Burner was a small building sandwiched between to sky scrappers. The Burner had always been a mega for unorthodox and unconventional professions such as psychics, weapons dealers, and in Rock’s case Private Detectives.
As he approached the front door of his office on the 3rd floor of the Burner he saw a person pacing in the dimly lit hallway.
Rock was already wondering what the stranger was all about when the stranger turned towards him and said……………

To Be Continued in
The Deviant Detective Ep.2 : Getting Directions from the Blind.