Tag: Observational Comedy

My Wife and I were Driving Down a Desolate Road that runs through the Wooded Countryside about an Hour away. We saw the Car which was a ways down the Road in front of Us Pump its Brake Lights before pulling over and Parking on the side of the Road. Once the Car was parked what appeared to be a Soccer Mom Hopped out looking a bit Rattled. My Wife wondered Aloud what was going on with the Whole Soccer Mom thing was about. It was then I informed My Wife that I saw something Running around in the Road. It appeared to an Animal (that I safely assumed was a Dog considering our Location and Surrounding) about 40 Feet In Front of the Soccer Mom who was Now Standing on the Side of the Road watching Whatever was in the Road intently.

We pulled over and Parked to see what was Exactly going on, and to see if We might be of Service in some way which was the Case. We walked up to the Soccer Mom who was still standing motionless in the same spot on the Side of the Road. As We were walking up to the Woman We noticed that it was in fact a Dog that looked Friendly enough, but at the same Time a Bit Leary of Strangers. The Soccer Mom told US that the Reason She had stoped was She had seen the Dog wondering in the Road, and when She got nearer to the Dog it started Nervously Zig Zagging back and forth across the Road.

Now while this was a what most would call a “Back Road” there was virtually No traffic to Speak of. That didn’t mean the Dog was Safe from being Struck and more than likely Killed by a Car You see on These lone Roads People use Speed Limits as fucking Suggestions. Suggestions They promptly Ignore and Speed like Sons of Bitches sometimes Crashing Their Vehicles and Accidentally Killing Themselves. The point being if Someone came Speeding down the Road and the Dog was in the Road there Sadly wouldn’t be jack shit Anyone could have done about it.

My Wife and I both Worked in the Veterinary Field for over 10 Years, are Pet People, and Avid Animal Lovers (Yes I’m one those Cliche Anti Social Stereotypes that Prefers the Company of Animals over that of His fellow Man) which definitely worked in Our Favor here. The Dog looked to be a Tan Hound or Hound Mix of Some Sort which made Perfect Sense for the Area where almost Everyone Hunts, and that makes Hunting Dogs a Extremely Valuable Commodity in the Community.

We knelt down and The Dog came to Us with No Objection or Fear and then We could get a better look at it. It was a Light Tan Female Hound Mix that was Lean as could be with a Solid Gray Muzzle that showed off Her advanced Age. Luckily for Us in this Case the Dog had a Not Only a Collar, but It had a Tag with Pertinent Information like Name and Owner’s Phone Number. Now I say Luckily because out in the Woods People have a Very Old School Attitude when it comes to Pet Dogs/ Farm Dogs/Country Dogs, but I’ll circle around back to that a Little later on.

The Next Issue We had to Combat was the that We were on such a Lonely Stretch of Highway Not one of the Three of Us could get a fucking Signal worth a Damn. Not only that but None of Us was from the Area as We were just like everyone else Driving Through on Their way Somewhere else. At last the Soccer Mom prevailed and got a Sketchy Signal and Called the Number on the Dog’s Collar while trying hard as hell not to more a single inch as to Not lose the Shaky Cell Signal. After a couple of Rings a Gruff and Unfriendly Man answered who took damn near 5 fucking Minutes to be able to Figure Out why the Soccer Mom was bothering Him with the Phone Call. The Man sounded like one of those Miserable Bastards that hates His Life and Has given Up all Hope so They spend the Remainder of His Days being a Deliberate Dick about it.

The Douchebag on the Phone tells Us (since the Phone was on Speaker) He lives 2 Hours away somewhere, It’s actually His Dad’s Dog, and since His Dad lived “In the Area” He suggested We turn the Dog loose, and She’d use Her instincts to get back Home. The Soccer Mom though to Her credit DID NOT and WAS NOT going to Leave the Dog alone on the Side of the Road No Matter What since She thought the Dog was at Risk of Being Hit By a Car.

I couldn’t figure out if the Douchebag Son was being Difficult just for the sake of it (Though in all due fairness Out in those parts of the Woods People aren’t accustomed to Visitors, and are generally weary of Strangers/Outsiders) or if He simply couldn’t care less or What His deal was, BUT He simply ignored the Soccer Mom’s request for His Father’s Phone Number or Since He lived “In the Area” His address and She’d even drive the Dog back Home.

It was like I said all in vain as The Son just kept bitching about not Bothering to do shit, and just turning the Dog loose back on the Road where it was Found. Finally the Son begrudgingly told the Soccer Mom he’d Text Her His Father’s address, But His Father was currently at Work so Obviously He wouldn’t be Home. We waited trying to figure out if the Text was taking a while since reception was almost non existent out where We were OR if the Son being the Dickbag that He was had No Intention of sending said Text, and said so just to get the fuck off the Phone.

As We waited killing the Time by talking shit about what an asshole the Son was We suddenly noticed Not One but Two Other Additional Dogs wonder Out of the Woods and directly into the Road. They were a Pair of Labs One Yellow that seemed Skittish even from a far, and a Big Old Husky Chocolate Lab who turned out to be a Male crossed the Road to the side We were on, and lumbered on Down to see Us. As for His less than trusting Partner He/She opted to return into the Woods rather than come and see what We were about. And as Luck would have it the Chocolate Lab had a Collar and Tag too which in these parts was literally like Lighting Striking Twice I assure You. So again We proceeded to locate a Shady signal and call the Number on the Dog’s Collar and got Very Different Results to say the Least.

The Young Man on the Phone was Surprised His Dog had gotten out of the Yard, and even made the comment The Dog had never done so before. He said thank You for holding onto His Dog and Letting Him Know He was loose, and said He lived Near by and Was on His Way to Retrieve His Dog. About Ten Minutes Later or So a Large Jacked Up Pick Up Truck with Mud Caked Tires, and Hunting Dog Kennels/Cages in the occupying the Bed of the Truck came driving down the Road. The Chocolate Lab became more and more excited as the Truck Approached as He was well aware it was His Master Coming. The Truck pulled up and Stopped right next to Us before a Young Man looking to be in His Mid too Late Twenties climbed Out of the Cab dressed in Camouflage Pants, Neon Orange T-Shirt, John Dear Baseball Cap, and Beat Up Shit Kicker Boots.

He thanked Us again before letting US know That the Lab Named Pooh (I assume after Winnie-The-Pooh, but it could have been a Fecal Reference) was the Ripe Old Age of 10 though He didn’t seem to Know it, and had due to His age and Age oriented Hip Issues had recently been Retired from Hunting. The Young Man said it sucks because He honestly misses having Pooh with Him after a Decade Hunting together, but HE didn’t want to be the asshole who Runs His Dog all Day Hunting only to have the Dog’s Hips go to shit at the end of the Day. Unfortunately for Pooh He didn’t feel the same way about His Age because all Pooh Knew was the Thrill of the Hunt proving You can take the Dog out of the Hunt, But You can’t take the Hunt out of the Dog. The Young Man Attempted to get Pooh to load up into one of the Kennels/Cages in the Back of the Truck, which He did half assed being Pooh preferred to Ride in the Cab along with His Master. The Young Man joked that Pooh may not enjoy the Perks of Retirement as of Yet He has asserted that if He was in fact Retired then Why should He ride in the Back where the Current Hunting Dogs Rode. And with That the Young Man and Pooh Drove off towards Home.

While We were happy to get Pooh back where He belonged My Wife, Soccer Mom, Tan Dog, and Myself were still stuck in Our Original Dilemma. It Turned out that the Douchebag Son had texted His Father’s Address , and the Text had come in sometime while We were talking with Pooh’s Dad.As I said earlier None of Us knew where the hell We were, and We couldn’t GPS the Address since the Cell Reception was Abysmal. My Wife and I decided (due to the fact We had more Animal Experience along with a better Understanding of such things as Lost Pets) We would take the Dog Home thus relieving the Distressed Soccer Mom to Go on with Her Day. The Soccer Mom was quite thankful to be relieved of Duty at it were. The Soccer Mom thanked Us for stopping and Helping, and to have a Great Day before She drove off to wherever it was She was initially Headed.

Then We loaded Up the Dog who seemed comfortable with Cars into the Backseat, and proceeded to Drive for 6-7 minutes until We had decent Cell reception. Once We had reception We entered the Address into Google Maps and off We Went. It turned out The Tan Dog Lived a ways down a Dirt Road that if You didn’t know was there You’d miss it. After several minutes of getting the World’s Shittiest Message thanks to the uneven terrain arrived at the Dog’s House. The House was a Double Wide Mobile Home that was Set  around 3 Blocks or so Back from the Dirt Road, and Had a Tall and Foreboding Fence Topped with Barbwire. There were signs plastered all over the Place From No Trespassing to Warning Cameras in Use making the Place seem even More Unwelcoming. It felt to Me like I was Standing On the Property line of some Mentally Ill, Severely Paranoid, Doomsday Preppier Conspiracy Theorist in a Tin Foil Hat holding a Shotgun.

We couldn’t hoist the Dog over the Fence so We located a Large Iron Cattle Gate that was being used to Block Access to the Driveway that had a Rusty Old Tow Chain wrapped around it to keep it closed. My Wife messed with the Chain and Realized there was No Pad Lock so all She had to do was uncoil the Chain and let the Dog back into the Yard. So We did just That accept as soon as We got the Dog back in the Yard it immediately Slipped Under the Cattle Gate since it was a Dirt Driveway the Dog had dug under it to get Free. This was a huge kick in the metaphorical Balls. We had at last gotten the Dog out of Harms way and Home only to be fucked over by a Shitty Gate Issue.

It was then I saw the Neighbor down the way arriving Home so I figured He might be useful in some manner. My Wife and I made the short trek down the Road to the Neighbors House, and walked up just as a Old Man was headed towards the Front Door. We called out and got His attention, and He came down the Drive to meet Us. He was a Very British Man who was a Nice as could possibly Be who informed Us He had seen the Dog running the Neighborhood several times before, but He hadn’t seen hide nor hair of The Dog in 6 weeks. Now I said I’d come back around to this and here We are as The British Gentlemen said there wasn’t a lot anyone could do in General since the “People around here have a very Country Attitude about Dogs”. This is why I said previously in this post that a Dog with a Collar was Uncommon and Tags are unheard of. In these Parts People put their Dogs out in the Morning, let them Run Amok, and Then the Dog(s) return Home for Dinner at Night.  We chatted with the British Gentlemen a while longer and then started to make Our way back to Our car that was parked outside the Main Gate of The Dog’s House.

My Wife figured at least the Dog was back on familiar turf, and We had done al that We could have to Help, and I meanwhile was afraid as Soon as We started to Drive Off the Dog would Run After Us thus leaving the Issue Ultimately Unresolved. Thats when a Large White Pick Up Truck drove past us, Stopped, and Drove back to where We were in reverse. There was a pleasant Middle Aged Couple in the Truck that were the Neighbors that lived on the Opposite side of the Dog Owner’s Property, and were well acquainted with the Dog. We told them the Story and as We did the Dog hopped up into the Back of the Couple’s Pick Up. The Couple said they has seen Us and wanted to see if We needed Help because Our Car took a Shit on Us, and Not to Worry about the Dog. I felt a bit better that at least now there was someone else who could and was willing to keep an Eye on the Dog until Her idiotic owner returned Home from Work. As The Couple Drove Off the Dog gave Chase and I assume followed Them back to Their House which also made Me feel Better about things.

Now with BOTH Dogs back where They Belonged more or Less My Wife and I got into Our Car and went on Our Way.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober