Observational Comedy – Page 3

We’ll Make Great Pets? By Spacedog

The first half of my day yesterday was complete garbage. It consisted of sitting in traffic for an hour, getting two different credit cards declined (special shout out to Wawa and Boscovs), sitting in traffic for 2 hours and contemplating peeing my pants because I had a towel to sit on and was on my way home.

As void of intrigue and drama as I tend to be, I chose against peeing myself. This isn’t about pee though. I mean it felt absolutely amazing to do so at that point but that being the highlight of my mediocre day was not quite mediocre enough yet. I decided to do one of the most boring things that the era of the Internet has ever bought upon us. I decided to clean out my e-mail.

Now I have way too many e-mails. I know of 7 different accounts, but there probably exist a multitude of others at very dead sites. AOL, Yahoo, Juno, Hotmail, Myspace. I’d rather not read the ancient e-mails I sent in my 20s or from the dawn of time (the 90s) because well I mostly sit and think who the fuck was that guy.

So I decided to actually open up an e-mail from a random social media site called Hi5. It is not the greatest site but not the worst unless you take into account the people they tell you to speak converse with. I would show my last recommendations but just imagine a cohabitation of meth users, the morbidly obese, and people who look like an attractive young man but sadly the picture is clearly on 1970s quality film.

There is one bizarre thing this site does have. I really have never seen anything quite like it. While Facebook has (or had?) pokes, the gays have their woofs, every site has likes and Myspace has ghosts Hi5 has pets. What is the point of pets? I haven’t the slightest idea. I bought my first pet about six years ago in that time period when Myspace just died and your mom wasn’t quite on Facebook yet.

Every member is up for sale with virtual cash. I don’t know if I started with it or watched a video or two or to earn more but I just started buying cute guys. I wanted a decent amount from each country to diversify I suppose. It was basically just a bunch of clicking and clicking and clicking and I grew tired of it rather quickly.

The entire site as a matter of fact. It is like the Craigslist of social media, an odd blend of when MySpace was legit, old school AOL and creepy guys that lurk in oversized vans. The pet thing made me take the opposite approach though when I got unwanted attention. I would just buy people instead of block them.

And oh I bought them. The straights, the gays, the ladies, I even bought myself a big boned lady with a great big retard smile. I only wasted maybe 2 hours of my life doing this in total of my entire life. I really wonder though what was the point of all of this? I was owned by some lady (or man pretending to be a model, this lady was unreal looking Brazilian goddess). There were many messages of I love you and I love my pets on my page over the past few years which only make me laugh my ass off. I mean I like love and all, who really doesn’t when it comes to it, but this woman took the pet thing all too seriously.

I mean I could message all these pets of mine or meme them to death, but I feel more connected to the people I met on a Greyhound bus 15 years ago, despite not having talked to them in 15 years. I’m clicking on links right now but I am not even really sure why. I could be eating, exercising, masturbating, actually texting more then one person, actually paying attention to my TV or my music which are inexplicably both on for some reason.

I mean I guess it could have been worse. I could have bought only blacks and dreamed of my past life on a plantation but I’m Polish and the only black things we’ve ever owned are prune babkas. I could be a peddler of midgets. This seems like a fantastic type of journey I suppose, except I can’t search for people by height and would probably have to click no about 1,000 times to find one midget let alone an armada of midgets.

I could collect the deformed. I’m pretty sure this would involve way less clicking but since you are the company you keep I would just be the product of looking at ugly people, become incredibly hideous, and 400 pounds while clicking faster then any sized person barring maybe a handful of Korean Starcraft players.

Long story, long… this shit is weird as fuck. In some virtual reality type mall where I could see these people it would be funny to go up and buy people in a window but frankly I’d buy someone naked. So rest assured, I know too will get naked and become one with the night.

If you want to check out these oddities for yourself, head over to hi5.com. Check out the meager selection from the dating pool, the dead accounts, and waste an hour or so buying some pets. I can promise they won’t give you rabies over your connection, but carpal tunnel may be in your future if you happen to be riding the tsunami of boredom.

HOA’s The Legal Mafia

For those who are lucky enough not to know what the hell an HOA is allow me to explain.

What does HOA stand for?

It stands for Homeowners Association.

The History of HOA’s: HOA’s started very simply. Everyone who has or hasn’t owned a house is aware there is always a neighbor who’s a complete shit, and their house/yard reflects this shitty attitude. You know the house with the over grown lawn, mattress on the porch, car or some major household appliance rusting away in the yard etc. point being their house looks like a true dump. HOA’s used to be a basic agreement amongst the residents of a neighborhood that everyone should maintain their houses and lawns in a proper and respectable manner. If a neighbor’s house started to look shabby then the other residents would address it with the owner to resolve the said situation.

What Happened then to make HOA’s so detestable?

Thats an easy answer what happened was basic human behavior. People have a great knack for taking something simple and good and bastardizing it to death until its complicated and a MASSIVE pain in the ass. Homeowners self policing evolved under the force of human behavior into having HOA boards with Presidents (and vice presidents, treasurers and the like), childish elections, moronic monthly HOA meetings (imagine a town hall meeting where everyone is clinically insane and hopped up on Bath Salts.), idiotic infighting, and bullshit newsletters. Again we learn peoples desire for power makes them act like bastards and if they get a modicum of power it goes straight to their fucking heads, and thats not all by a long shot. The HOA has given themselves the right to dictate such things as what color you can paint your house, the type of front door you can have, if you can fly a flag, when you can water your lawn, demand you replace your roof at their discretion, demand that you paint your house again at their discretion regardless of peoples personal finances (example a new roof cost between $15,000 to $17,000 so most people plan to reroof years ahead of time so they can save up the money needed. Its a real fucker to have some asshole tell you out of the blue that you have to reroof your house immediately or else.)

Can I avoid buying a house without an HOA?

In most cases no unless you want to live in the shitty ghetto at the corner of Crack and Heroin because the neighborhoods are such utter shit no one living there gives a damn about petty shit they just want to stay alive. The other place you can buy a house without an HOA is the middle of the fucking boonies where there so few fucking people no one cares because out in the sticks there houses not neighborhoods.

HOA’s gave themselves the power to demand quarterly payments under the pretense that all the dues collected will go to the betterment of the neighborhood like repaving parking lots, roof repair, and landscaping to name a few. Not only that but if you are in violation of the set rules the HOA can fine you (usually $100) every day until you fix the issue at hand. HOA’s also have the self appointed authority to put a lean on your house if things get batshit crazy outta control as it were.

HOA is Legal Extortion. If I buy a house in a certain neighborhood why should I have to pay them quarterly? Thats a play right out of organized crime’s handbook. You see if a new store opens in a particular Mob family’s territory then the shop owner has to pay “Protection Money”. If a shop owner refuses to pay the Mob will destroy their business, make their (along with friends and family) lives miserable, beat up/ torture the owner, and possibly murder them. All this because of the geographical location alone.

There 2 types of HOA’s The HOA Nazis and The HOA Do Nothings.

The HOA Nazi’s patrol the neighborhood daily looking for infractions of the mandated rules of the HOA. They are brutal and extremely judgmental. They believe they are superior to their neighbors and enforce the rules as forcefully as they can over the smallest infraction. They write nasty fucking letters, set high daily fines for offenders, lecture about “Those Neighbors” (those who didn’t comply) at HOA meetings reminiscent of Adolf Hitler’s speeches in tone and intensity. They are hated and disposed by the rest of their neighborhoods.

The HOA DO Nothings collect they dues BUT don’t use them to improve a damn thing. They do the absolute base minimum and they do that begrudgingly. They are lax on the rules (so you can get away with shit like having 2 dogs when the HOA rules say only one dog not to mention the HOA decides what breed and size of said dog) but theirs a lot more childish drama. At one point my HOA meetings got so emotionally intense the local Police were present to keep order. The bitch about Do Nothing HOA’s is they change their minds more than parents change their new born baby’s diapers. The only fucking thing my current HOA is responsible for is maintaining/ replacing the roofs. Well they just sent me a bullshit letter stating that for the next 7 years they are instituting an ADDITIONAL $500 payment because they are going to replace the roofs. My point is this why the fuck should I pay them an additional $500 when I already pay them quarterly AND THAT MONEY (from the quarterly payment) IS FOR PAYING FOR NEW ROOFS, thus I’m being double billed if you will. There is a SHIT LOAD more infighting amongst the board members resulting in raucous HOA meetings and TONS of bullshit letters because they have much more free time than the HOA Nazi’s.

In Summation HOA’s are fucking unAmerican and operate on the principles of extortion. HOA’s only have power because they gave it to themselves and everyone else instead of calling bullshit bitched about it and then complied. I have no fucking idea why neighborhoods don’t unite and dismantle their HOA’s. HOA’s are comprised off cranky, over opinionated, better than you, mean, depressed, vengeful, nosy, moronic, idiotic assholes who get their rocks off with the power they get being on the HOA board. FUCK EVERY HOA AND EVERY BOARD MEMBER. It’s the fucking American dream to buy your own home, but now with unnecessary HOA policies and institutional horse shit can crap all over your dream, extort money from you, harass you constantly, spy on you, and fine you or even putting a fucking lean on your dream home. The entire HOA system is as corrupt as any government on the fucking planet.

Good News I’m moving in a couple of months to a different state and managed to buy a house WITHOUT AN HOA and I can’t be fucking happier.

HOA should stand for Huge Outrageous Assholes because thats who runs them.

Technology’s Battle Over The 4th Amendment Continues

George Orwell wrote in his novel 1984 of a future America where the government tracks its civilians through monitors placed everywhere thus illuminating all personal privies of any sort. In todays society that so deeply embraces expanding technology we can see that the fictitious government controlled world that Orwell wrote about is on the verge of becoming a reality.
In the article “U.S. and Apple dig in for court fight over encryption” by Devil Barrett ( in Washington DC) and Daisuke Wakabayashi (in San Fransisco) published in theWall Street Journal we can see the possible future framework of a government that can spy on any of its civilians using technology.
The controversy surrounds the December 2nd terrorist attack by mass murderer Syed Rizwan Farook and his wife in San Bernardino California in which the two opened fire on an office holiday party killing 14 people as well as injuring an additional 22 people during the attack. In lieu of the incident the Federal Bureau of Investigation of American requested the help of the global technology company Apple. The FBI requested Apple help them with their on going investigation into the incident by having Apple dis-encrypt attacker Farook’s cell phone to search for further information such as accomplices or future terrorist attack plan. Apple’s CEO Tim D. Cook flat-out denied the FBI’s request for the dis-encryption of Farook’s phone. The FBI took their case to judge Sheri Pym who passed an order requiring Apple to assist the FBI in circumventing Farook’s encrypted password. Judge Pym’s order gave Apple 5 days in which to comply with the courts or challenge the ruling, which Apple CEO Tim D. Cook has already vowed to do.
This is article is an excellent example of the Value-conflict’s Ameliorative theology. This is due to the fact that all Americans can agree that when it comes to terroristic acts of violence that the perpetrator’s should be stopped before they can harm a single person, but is the position of the American government that it should be allowed to hack into anyone ones technical devices (such as smart phones, laptops and tablets with the help of Apple) whenever they deem it a necessity to prevent a future terrorist incident the way to insure the safety of American citizens?
The dilemma arising from the December 2nd shooting is in the FBI’s request to not only have Apple assist in the dis-encryption of Farook’s phone but having Apple lower their encryption software to allow the government a “Back Door” that would allow them to access anyone’s technical device and access all personal information held within as well as to track people’s every movement. Yet if Apple complies with the FBI’s future back door plan the low security would not only allow the American government to hack a person’s phone but criminals, identity thieves and foreign governments as well as long as they had the device number.
So there is one sect of society believes that no matter what Apple should automatically comply with any and all of the FBI’s requests while another sect of society believes that assisting the FBI even in dis-encrypting just one iPhone would open Pandora’s box at the top of a very slippery slope that leads to the government accessing the technology used by its citizens for the simple purpose of spying on them under the gneiss of National Security/Anti-terrorism activity.
The question is in the end too combat future attacks should American’s surrender their 4th amendment rights, those rights that protect them from unlawful search and seizure to assist the American government’s ongoing fight against terrorism?

This reminds me of another book Joseph Heller by the name of “Catch 22”. We already know the NSA has been using the excuse of fighting terrorists/terrorists attacks to actually SPY on its citizens.

So the real question at hand is simply this: Has the Media and American Government INSTILLED SO MUCH FEAR into its citizens that those citizens give them access to ALL THERE TECHNOLOGY (Phones, Laptops, Pcs, Tablets etc.)

I think the fucking fear of a corrupt government currently run by a moronic man-child and his crew of self serving billionaires, Racists,Anti-semetics, Russia loving sexists are already running amok on the American people JUSTIFIYING THEIR ACTIONS BASED ON FEAR NOT FACTS.

This is the 1st Propaganda promoting American President. You want those scumbags to have 24-7 access to ALL of your private lives?! I think that fear of a omnipresent and oppressive government is A REAL AND PRESENT DANGER.

DON’T SUCCUMB TO THE FALSE FEARS.

Dear Me Oh My Shut The Fuck Up Already!!! By Spacedog

Life is about many things to many different people. Family, friends, money, health, wealth…. the list is endless. Each means something different to us. Some mean nothing at all.

Then there is the other end of the spectrum. Our vices. The sex, drugs and rock&roll part of our brains. Everyone has one or ten or hundreds. I tend to gravitate towards the higher end of the spectrum. I’m not sure if I could list 100 vices off the top of my head but if I could I would easily be into more than half of them.

Not that I do them every day or really all that often at all. The worst things I probably do on a daily basis is smoking cigarettes. Everything else is merely on an as wanted schedule. Sometimes there is discipline involved. Other times it is just complete debauchery and out of control.

Age has mellowed me somewhat though. Instead of indulging way too frequently like in my 20s, I usually just get angry now at certain things on my television set and in the real world.

First of all, ANY AND ALL anti commercials really need to get the FUCK off my television. Tell me to quit smoking while I have a nicotine patch on and haven’t thought about a cigarette in 3 days and well I got the subconscious thought to go out and buy a pack. Tell me not to drink and drive and I then am thinking about whether I should get drunk tonight.

Fortunately one such thing I have grown out of is trying that one random drug or ten. Most of the unknown drugs I tried I heard about on the evening or nightly local news. I get that these news types think that no druggies are watching their programs because obviously how could they possibly be interested in anything other than drugs. All promoted under the guise of protect the children which leads me to the next point.

FUCK THE KIDS! Not like Michael Jackson fuck or like Ray Rice fuck the kids in the face. I always hear about stupid shit to protect the children. I can’t go buy a pack of ten cigarettes because of oh the children. The children. Yet I can buy an airline bottle of alcohol, a single bullet of ammo, a nickle bag of weed (yes they still exist), or a small amount of pretty much anything else considered a vice.

Some states are incredibly ridiculous with the save the children crap. Hawaii just passed a law making the smoking age 21 and New Jersey just attempted to do the same. So you can serve and die in the military and potentially die at any moment yet you can’t go on the 30-50 year death sentence known as nicotine. They need to chill out. New Jersey is even worse. They want kids to drive around with a sticker on the back of the car if under 21 and not have them drive after certain hours. Now I know I said fuck the kids but while that would stop me from well fucking kids or buying someone underage alcohol, it only means one thing. The cops get to fuck the kids. I don’t want to fuck them like that hard, unless they are in college and sex with someone potentially that inexperienced is like A Tale of Two Cities. The best of times, the worst of times.

So I’m kinda drifting like a butterfly. I really should have wrote this earlier in the day when I was just raging mad. I got a call from a friend after I left an angry voicemail about Sprint sucking fat donkey balls. I can’t roll around and listen to Spotify with them and the several phone calls I do make a week well sadly unless I call people at midnight they drop like an 80 year old’s nutsack.

So I bitched and then she said don’t drink tonight. Not that it was any of her business what the fuck I am doing later on. I really had not even given getting drunk tonight even a glance. It all goes back to do not tell me what I should not do. If you want to give me something positive to do by all means just do not tell me what not to do.

It is the reason I also have total beef with any of those absolutely fucking retarded anonymous programs. I have been to many and will be going to many again soon as part of my undercover look into boring myself into a bottle of rum. Let’s sit around and rehash old stories and bitch and whine and moan and talk about Jesus.

I seriously had issues with alcohol in the past and would be chill with well just not drinking. It makes me fat and severely obsessive. No thank you. Yet through AA I can honestly say the only thing positive I ever got out of it was roughly 10 blow jobs. Other then my 12 pack of Miller Lite cure for the common cold I had not touched a drop for over a month. (Save your fucking medal and clapping.) I only thought about it twice before I got sick. Yet in an average AA meeting alcohol is brought up 20-40 times depending on the type of meeting. Whatever happened to out of sight, out of mind? I guess stupidity won this ballgame.

So I think my beef has run out for this evening. If I typed every vice related issue I want to address, I would never leave this seat. So what exactly gets on your last nerves? Or who would you like to tell to go fuck themselves?

The Hypocrisy Of MTV And The American Viewer

Many moons ago at this point MTV (or better known back in the day as Music Television because 1,000 years ago they actually played music videos 24-7) aired a American remake of the British hit show “Skins” that followed a group of high school friends daily lives, interactions, relationships and so on.

Now again its fucking funny how here in America we tout our FREEDOM OF SPEECH allowed us by the 1st Amendment, BUT then the government creates the FCC (Federal Communications Commission) who’s sole job is to censor tv, radio, print news and are attempting, and failing so far miserably to say the least, the Internet via Social Media.

The FCC is not the only one to blame for its the American public that likes to think we are culturally evolved, and armed with the 1st Amendment we believe we are a socially open and accepting of art in any form. This couldn’t be farther from the truth.

In the original British version the teens portrayed in the show did engage in Smoking Pot (which in America is legal in 25 states or 1/2 of America) ,and TOTALLY illegal in Briton though their attitude towards Marijuana has always be more liberal and lax then in American historically speaking.

The teenage characters also drank beer/booze freely, BUT remember in Briton the legal drinking age is 18. Not to mention Alcohol is the 1st intoxicant (fact Google it) teens try first. Though in the Pharmaceutical age Pills are replacing alcohol at an alarming rate, but thats another story.

The High School characters (played by high school age kids, not 20-30 somethings pretending to be high school students like Beverly Hills 90210 bullshit, or 21 Jump Street) surprise, surprise have sex. NOW this is not to say or imply gratuitous sex complete with nudity. In fact the scenes were no more offensive than a basic American movie love scene or tamer even. You see the teens start to hook up kissing and shit, and then the camera fadeout or transitions to the next scene. You also at times saw the teen couple lying in bed (completely covered again NO NUDITY) after having sex, BUT you NEVER saw the teens actually having simulated sex with each other.

MTV saw the popularity of the show in Briton and decided since Hollywood has died due to being void of new ideas/creative concepts that they’d just take a British hit show, Americanize it, and enjoy the high ratings. That never even came close to happening. What did happen was the American public went absolutely apeshit and caused a massive public backlash. Americans were horrified by the drinking, appalled at the Pot smoking ,and utterly repulsed even by the idea of FICTIONAL TEEN TV SHOW CHARACTERS hooking up in ANY way what so ever.

There 2 issues I have with the American public on this subject. One being the age old conundrum of sex vs. violence. American’s bitch constantly about violence on tv (and every where else for that matter) BUT when it comes to sex violence becomes acceptable. George R.R. Martin once said in an interview about his hit HBO series “Game of Thrones” (based on his books) “It never stops amazing me how on the show people get angry over the showing of a naked breast when in the next scene a mans head is cut in half with a Battle Ax in extremely graphic detail.” I couldn’t agree more Americans are hypocritical when it comes to sex, violence or both.

The second issue I have is with the American public AND MTV. The American Public freaked the fuck out over “Skins” subject matter and portrayal of teens sex lives, BUT heres the HYPOCRISY. While enraged at the behavior of FICTIONAL characters the American public had no problem with MTV’s other show “16 and Pregnant”. The show “16 and Pregnant” was a reality tv show that followed REAL LIFE UNDERAGE PREGNANT TEEN MOTHERS, their families, their friends , and occasionally the TEENAGE FATHER.

If Americans claim to be free yet their actually restricted as fuck, and the American public are NOT socially enlightened at all in fact their predominately MENTAL MIDGETS offended by damn near everything. So how the hell do Americans justify condemning a FICTIONAL SHOW because of its content and because of how it could influence/affect American teens in real life, BUT fully endorse and embrace a tv show that damn near glamorized underage high school pregnancies?!

What the fuck is exactly wrong with Americans who claim to be accepting but are ANYTHING but based on American social norms?!

END THE HYPOCRISY AND TRULY UTILIZE THE FIRST FUCKING AMENDMENT. The world s full of sex, drugs, drinking, and socially unacceptable behavior so restricting Television shows based on “objectionable” content won’t accomplish a fucking thing.

CENCORSHIP IS UNAMERICAN.

FIGHT THE FCC.

FUCK HYPOCRACY IN ALL ITS FORMS.

Murder And Mayhem At Trump’s Insidious Impromptu News Conference Of Death & Damnation

Have you ever woken up in the morning and the first though you have is that you really want to pick a fight? I have many times and today I decided the person I was to pick a fight with would be the one and only Donald Trump. I ,along with the rest of the American people , have been bombarded by Donald Trump on television, printed interviews/articles in newspapers and magazines alike, Twitter, Youtube, and even radio. I must be clear I hate Donald Trump politically and personally as he is an extremely shitty person to begin with. Now why, or for what reason do I dislike Trump so highly?
Donald Trump looks quite similar to the past 44 presidents (excluding Obama obviously). He dresses in expensive high end suits worth thousands, predominately wears red or blue ties, is a 70 year old white man, and has a rather large belly. That is where the similarities end. Trump’s unique physical characteristic being found in his ungodly fake spray tan that leaves him looking like he has the worst case of jaundice in recorded history. The second primary physical characteristic is his hair which has remained a mystery for so long it can finally been called the 8th wonder of the world.
As for Donald Trump’s personality characteristics they are truly deplorable as he seems to have a Pandora’s box of bad behavior. Trump is a narcissist of Freudian proportions who’s extreme ego borders on megalomania. Also, for being completely ignorant of the American political system, Trump is over opinionated as well as ruthlessly aggressive on every front and every platform because his unquenchable thirst for power and control are unparalleled. For a president, Trump seems ignorant of the issues and takes every negative comment as a personal attack upon his character. Trump’s immature attitude has him tweeting like a tween and seems to cater to his child-like mentality that causes him to have terrible tantrums reminiscent of a 2 year old. Trump also is a sexist who’s views are almost on par with pedophilia. He is a closet racist and blatant anti semite. Trump is not only rude and insulting, but he always remains unapologetic as he points his finger at anyone but himself.
I just so happen to live in Florida and am located so geographically close to Trump’s Mar-a-Lago mansion that when I saw he was due for another visit I decided this was my chance. I drove to the Palm Beach Post newspaper headquarters down in West Palm Beach to meet up with a buddy of mine that works for the paper. He hooked me up with an official press pass and credentials which (unless you were in the know) made me look like a legitimate reporter. I then made my way to the Trump National Golf Club also located in Mar-a-Lago where Trump was due to throw an impromptu press conference. I strolled past the news truck barricade parked directly out front and past the handful of reporters shooting pre news conference pieces. I entered the club’s front door where a large security man who scowled at my press pass before ordering me through a metal detector. On the other side of the metal detector I was met by another rather large looking security man who gave me a pat down that was so intense it was more like a massage. I made my way into the conference room and managed to finagle my way into the 2nd row front and center where I waited for my prey to enter the room.
It didn’t take long before the rest of the press personnel were herded into the conference room like cattle. About a minute later Donald Trump entered from behind a curtain lazily wandering over to the podium as he smiled with self satisfaction. Once behind the podium Trump proceeded to slowly scan the room from side to side with his classically vacant stare. The conference was a fiasco and made little to absolutely no sense at all as Trump dodged questions, made false allegations and rambled on about subjects that weren’t addressed in the news conference. After 45 minutes or so Trump finally wound down his inane diatribe and opened the floor to questions. This was my opening because to fight Donald Trump your best weapon is Donald Trump. All one has to do to pick a fight with Trump is to say anything remotely critical about him and he launches himself into a terrific tirade which surpasses self defense. He then plunges head first into full on attack mode.
By the time fourth or fifth question had been asked Trump was already leaning aggressively forward over the podium his face flushed with outrageous anger. Trump’s facial features had twisted and contorted into an insane mask of rage filled disgust and endless contempt. He was cracking quickly and I knew it was now or never. I raised my hand and was lucky enough to have him call upon me.
I simply asked the president how he plans to make America great again if his bartenders at Trump’s Bar and Grill couldn’t even make a proper cocktail? Without pausing for a millisecond I continued by explaining. A patron of his eating establishment photographed a $22 gin martini because it was served in wine glass filled with a generous handful of ice. I was some unknown brand of gin, and had a very weak looking olive.
This was the straw that broke the Donald’s back as it were. Trump started waving his hands in the air like a demonically possessed air traffic controller screaming at the top of his lungs that in fact, the world has been making martinis wrong, and Trump’s bar staff actually know the correct recipe. Thats when the shit really hit the fan as they say.
Trump’s private security burst open the conference room doors with the force of an atom bomb and came charging in like rabid bulls. Unfortunately the private security team had had a miscommunication issue as to what was happening and who they were supposed to subdue. This miscommunication led Trump’s private security personnel to engage in an all out fucking fist fight with the Secret Service who too where there for the protection of the president. Steve Bannon appeared out of no where holding a copy of “Mien Komf” which he immediately started reading in German. I wanted to punch Bannon in his white nationalist fat fucking face, but I didn’t want my hand to stink of cheap whiskey, sweat and nazi for the rest of the day. Mike Pence, being the giant pussy that he is, had been methodically backing up since the opening of the Q and A to the curtain behind the podium, which he now utilized to hide with only his expensive Italian loafers poking out from the bottom. Reporters scrambled to defensive positions tripping over each other’s camera cords, and misplaced chairs in an attempt to capture as much footage as possible. Kellyanne Conway showed up to pander to the remaining cameras and reporters jumping around like a jack rabbit on crystal meth. Kellyanne was trying in vain to convince the reporters that this was not a riot of any kind, BUT it was a rally born of over exuberance, love and support for Trump. This over exuberance had caused a spontaneous outbreak of fanatical joy and sincere celebration. Moments after appearing on the scene Kellyanne was struck violently on the top of her head in the misguided attack by a Trump supporter armed with a confiscated boom microphone. The boom microphone crashed down upon Kellyanne’s skull with such brute force it split her head in half in a volcanic explosion of blood. Kellyanne’s body wavered a second with her eyes still blinking in such a way it was reminiscent of a Hammerhead Shark before collapsing lifelessly on the floor. Just then I spotted the one person I hate worse than Donald Trump, the British journalist Milo “I will say anything or back anything outrageous for attention” Yiannopoulos who is employed by the GOP to run interference using the most vile propaganda to distract the public from the president. Milo was dressed in a British school boys uniform to accommodate his latest travesty of defending, exuding and virtually promoting pedophilia. My attention was drawn to Yiannopoulos. He was fleeing franticly towards the fire exit at the back of the room when he got knocked flat on his back by an improvised nazi salute from Bannon. I ran over to Milo and informed him I was the vice president of NAMBLA (may all members of NAMBLA be castrated and left to bleed out)and I was here to help him escape. Once Milo was on his feet again I led him to the center of the conference room directly under the industrial fan that was humming like monster truck engine.
Once we were positioned under the gigantic fan I bent down, grabbed Milo behind his legs under his buttocks, and hoisted him strait up into the fury of the fan blades. The fan blades turned Milo’s head, arms and upper torso into minced meat with a shower of blood, bone and body parts raining down upon the entire room. I dropped Milo’s mutilated and mangled carcass and looked back at Steve Bannon. Bannon had worked himself into such a fury he had triggered a massive fucking heart attack. His face as white as his KKK hood, sweating like a pig at the slaughtering house, gasping for air and clutching at his heart with his right hand while still kept on reading. Seconds later Bannon dropped to his knees, explosively shit his pants and fell over dead as a door nail, and his eyes looked like 2 fucking blowfish due to Bannon’s extremely insane blood pressure right before death. The chaos was reaching a climax when I realized if I believed in self preservation this was time to make my exit. Trump’s security had surrounded him and were ushering him out the door with great difficulty because Trump kept stopping to turn around and yell ridiculous claims such as this was a media plot to destroy and discredit him, this is part of the Liberal agenda, this was in all reality fake news, the electoral college, the boarder wall, molesting women, his bank account, Putin and how it was mother Russia marrying father America, questioning Obama’s birth certificate, China hackers that plagued the election, hair care, tanning tips, advertisements for Trump Towers/ Trump casino’s/Trump Hotels, unifying America, Rosie O’Donell, preaching he never once went bankrupt, the annoying planes that fly over his mansion, tweeting, and vast voter fraud. I ducked and weaved my way to and fro, out the conference room door into the foyer. As I made a beeline for the club’s front door I saw radio personality and Trump lover Alex Jones standing in the middle of the foyer like he was the eye of a hurricane. Jones was spouting Trump propaganda and undying support for him, like a deranged circus barker. I couldn’t resist so I got in front of him and when he opened his mouth for another decree I rammed my microphone into it, and then proceeded to jam the microphone as far as humanly possible down his throat into his esophagus rendering Jones silent as well as dead the mic cord hanging out the corner of his mouth like a wayward piece of spaghetti.

As I strode towards my car drenched in blood I thought to myself what a wonderful little riot that was.

Shotguns, My Grandfather & The Guy Who Should Have Died

My grandparents lived in a Farmhouse built circa 1883 on a massive 1,100 ache plus property down south in a tiny town know as Podunk. Every summer and every Christmas my family and I would drive down to visit my grandparents on the farm since my brother and I were off from school. While the town was so tiny (that when it got a second traffic light it was a big goddamn deal let me tell you) there are 2 major trucking companies headquarters located in Podunk that run 18 wheelers all day and all night long transporting everything under the sun. Luckily when the main road in and out of Podunk was to be built they asked my great grandfather about its placement since( like the original 19th century dirt road) it would run through a portion of his property. So instead of having the modern road run directly outside of the Farm house’s front yard gate he decided to have it built this time with a huge curve that brought the road out to a 1/4 of a mile from the main house. Between the farmhouse and the new road is essential a giant grassy field with a semi circle dirt driveway that allows the house to be accessed by 2 separate entries from the outlying road. Now on the outer side of the large curve is a 6 1/2 foot ditch (before you reach the woods) and for the life of me to this very day I have no idea why the town hasn’t put of warning signs for the truckers. See if your driving an 18 wheeler and are going slow you’ll hug the road to safety ,BUT if your driving an 18 wheeler and your going to fast you’ll run off the road and plumet head first into the aforementioned big ass ditch.

One summer while we were visiting my grandparents when late one night we all got one hell of a scare. What set off the insane events of that night started when a trucker driving a rather big tanker truck filled with liquid pesticide was speeding a bit and thusly found himself plunging head long into the ditch of death. The first thing that saved the driver’s life was when he crashed he was thrown from the cab, but this only got him out of the frying pan into the fire. If I recollect correctly the driver’s injuries included (but not limited to) Broken and cracked ribs, internal bleeding, severe lacerations, 2 completely shattered legs, head trauma, fractured right wrist, and massive bruising not to mention he was in shock as well. When the driver gathered his senses and managed to look around at his surroundings (as well as thanking whatever god he prays too for not being instantly and violently killed) he saw the far off light of farmhouse’s front porch lights and knew it was his only hope or he would in fact die on the side of the road. So summoning all his remaining strength the driver slowly (and I imagine quite painfully) pulled himself using just his arms and dragged himself the 1/4 mile across the grassy field and across to the front yard. I don’t know if the driver couldn’t get up the stairs to the front porch, but he again dragged himself around the side of the farmhouse to what is referred to as the middle porch. Its called the middle porch for one simple reason which is back in 1883 fire was a huge concern especially if you lived in a small rural town. Thusly to combat the threat of fire the architects of the day designed houses so you’d have the house with a middle porch in-between the main house and the kitchen as well as dinning room. This way if your kitchen (which was the biggest threat of fire) did catch fire the middle porch provided a buffer in-between.

Once the driver reached the middle porch he preceded to punch his way through the screen of the exterior door leading off the middle porch to the surrounding yard. The driver opened the door and then pulled himself up onto the porch. From there he once again dragged himself in excruciating agony to the door to the main house and pounded on the door like his life depended on it which it did. The driver was screaming bloody murder things like”There’s been an accident! HELP! HELP ME PLEASE! Oh God, PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR I don’t want to die out here…” obviously to get the attention and aid of the homeowner (who for all he knew wan’t even home).

Now as one might imagine being that it was around 2 a.m. in the morning, virtually pitch black outside (no streetlights or urban sprawl makes night even darker), and we were located in such a rural area outside of a tiny town that we were basically on our own (the average police response time to the property is around 40 minutes or more.) There are 2 bedrooms at the back of the house on the 1st floor across from one another my brother and I slept in one and my parents slept in the other. I remember opening our bedroom door just a minute crack as to allow a singular eye to peer out into the hallway. I saw my father too had cracked open my parents bedroom door and glanced over at me to give me the universal “STAY THERE” hand gesture. All of us were freaked the hell out and had no idea what to do because like I said if there was a crash alright, but it could be some sick son of a bitch trying to gain access to the house and all that terrible shit. A minute or two of being frozen in place by paralyzing fear I heard the familiar sound of the wood stairs creaking as someone came down them and immediately looked to see what was going on there to see my grandparents. My grandfather being 6’3″ with a poker face made of stone and a shotgun in each hand was leading the way down the stairs. My petite 5 foot nothing grandmother was literally right behind him and looked flustered as hell. My grandfather walked to the door not saying a word, unlocked it and forcefully swung it open. The driver collapsed backwards as the door flung open to see my grandfather standing there in his pajamas silently pointing a wicked looking pair of shotguns at him. At this point it was obvious there had in fact been a horrendous crash and there wasn’t some deranged rapist serial killer, and my parents and grandmother went into crisis damage control. My grandmother called 911, my father asked the man what happened and my mom frantically gathered first aid items. Meanwhile my grandfather continued to stand in the door way completely quite still aiming both gun barrels at the injured driver. After assessing the initial situation my grandmother suggested we move the injured driver off the porch and into the house’s main hallway, and it was then my grandfather spoke for the first and only time during the whole ordeal. What my grandfather said I will remember to the day I die and its only one singular sentence “Don’t bleed on my carpet.”

Note to Reader: The driver was taken by ambulance to the nearest hospital for emergency medical treatment. My father called the hospital the next day and was informed the driver was alive, stable and would completely recover from all of his various injuries.

One of the Strangest Memories of Mine from Childhood

When I was growing up I attended a Private School from kindergarten through 8th grade, but this wasn’t in any way to do with my family having money. My father was the Head of the English Department so I got a free ride that I never wanted. Part of this elitist idiots institution of privilege was that they had an ice skating rink so ever winter for P.E. we would walk over and ice skate for class. Now knowing that kids grow quick and that outside of P.E. I’d never use them my father found away around needlessly spending money on new ice skates. He quite simply located a man who lived near by who rented ice skates during the winter months.

The elderly gentlemen who ran the rental operation ran it out of his house. Now I can’t tell you what the house even looked like as we always went after dark, but in all due fairness it gets dark by 5 p.m. during winter. What I remember is the following. I remember my father making a right hand turn off a residential street and driving down a short driveway were he parked the car. Once we got out of the car the house was on the left and when you looked over you saw your basic 2 car garage with a plain old run of the mill white exterior door. We would enter through the plain white door into a completely dark area about the size of your average closet. To the right once you stepped through the door was a doorway that led to a set of steps (approximately 5-6 steps in total) that we’ed walk down into base of the operation if you will. The room was dimly light by outdated and well worn florescent lights who’s originally sterile soul sucking silent office light had degraded into a flickering odd shade of grey with a loud humming buzz. The floor was bathed in a 1970’s Ultra Shag carpet of dark brown with flecks of deep yellow and orange through out. The walls were completely bare with off white paint that during countless years had developed a time worn yellowing. The only other thing in the entire room was a home made wood bench that was wrapped around the walls and had some poor excuse for padding. There was a small laundry room directly across from the steps that housed a washer, dryer and an ice skate sharpening machine like the one you see at regular ice skating rinks. There was in fact a 3rd room but we will get back to that in a minute.

Once you sat down on the bench it was vertically identical to buying shoes. The Old man probably mid 60’s standing about 6 feet 3 inches tall wearing a plaid shirt, suspenders, work pants (Dickies) and a pair of beat down construction boots would gather up 3 or 4 pairs of skates. After collecting the skates he would walk over and kneel down as you tried on the skates he would lace them for you. While lacing and unlacing the skates until finding the right pair would exhale heavily through his nose periodically like a long nasal sigh. Now I don’t believe this was out of discomfort (i.e. old joints, bad knee etc) or emotion (anger,irritating,disgust etc.) ,but rather a peculiar personal trait the man developed over his life time, and more then likely wasn’t even aware at his advanced age he was even making a noise. Once the correct and proper pair of ice skates was found the Old man would collect the rental fee and that was that until returning them in Spring.

Now remember that 3rd room I said we’ed get back to well we’re back to it. See just like with shoes you have to walk around a bit in a pair of skates as you would a pair of shoes to insure they fit correctly. I had always wondered since the beginning of these yearly rentals exactly where the skates to be rented where. So while testing out a pair of skates one year to see in they fit I got up enough nerve to really walk around the room. I normally you see would only take a few steps as not to be too far from my father or the exit door as I found the whole situation creepy as shit as a kid, and as I write this I have the same feeling. As I walked around the room I noticed there was a slight 3 foot long extenuation coming out of the wall to create a degree of privacy, (I don’t know why someone would build a basement with a privacy wall of sorts unless your a serial killer) and around on the other side was the 3rd previously unseen room. I teetered and wobbled around until I could see in the 3rd room and what I saw is the strangest part of the story. The large room was filled to capacity with pairs of ice skate, hundreds upon hundreds of them like it was the Fort Knox of ice skates. There were pairs of skates lying side by side in row after row covering the entire floor, and there were cubbies lining the walls from the floor to the ceiling each one housing a pair of ice skates.

To this day my one and only question has created plentiful hypothesizes BUT NEVER answered is simply “Where the Hell did this Old Man get Hundreds and Hundreds of pairs of ice skates?” How did he amass so many pairs? This question alone only brings more questions and no answer.

Out Sourcing Becomes In Sourcing

We all are well aware allowing Large Companies and Corporations to outsource jobs to other (lets be real 3rd world counties, I mean you never see them send jobs to Europe or Asia) foreign countries champions America’s capitalist beliefs bastardized back in the 1980’s. It subsequently utterly destroyed the American Middle Class ironically rendering America closer to a Third World Country with a severe separation gap between the poor and the rich. Anyway you look at it America’s holding on to the antiquated belief system (once again) of decades past didn’t help the already massive financial and economic shiticane that was slowly forming over the American people.

So again we all know that the reason(s) Corporations and Large Companies wanted outsourcing for one reason alone MONEY. In Third World countries you can literally pay slave wages, provide absolutely no benefits or 401 Ks etc. you can work the people exhausting ours, and there are virtually no labor laws to restrict medieval practices (abuses is more accurate). They didn’t have to worry either about complaints of any kind because the people of that country are so fucking desperate they’ll eat whatever shit sandwich you serve them.

Now as if that wasn’t a totally fucked up concept of capitalism IT GETS WORSE (remember it can ALWAYS be worse even if its shit to begin with.) See the endless appetite of glorious greed wasn’t satiated, the gluttonous desires of the Large Companies and Corporations still begged to be fed. The only issue with outsourcing was while the labor force was cheap and exploitable SHIPPING costs could get quite pricey for having the finished products shipped state side. Then one damnable day the Corporations and Large Companies realized that after several years of on going outsourcing the American people had become as desperate and expendable as those citizens in the Third World Countries. So they could bullshit the lemmings of the American public, receive some good PR, exploit a expendable work force, AND SAVE MONEY ON SHIPPING COSTS.

Armed with this new despicable knowledge the Corporations and Large Companies under the bullshit banner of patriotism for “Bring Jobs Home” started exploiting the American work force almost identical (because America has enforceable labor laws) to those they employed in the Third World. American workers were now willing to do 3 times the amount of work for 1/2 the pay and no benefits so the Cooperations and Large Companies took full advantage of the fucking crisis they created. They didn’t have to worry about complaints or pressure for more money/better benefits because if any employee said shit you just remind them “There 100 people who are ready and willing to do your job.” With that a real life reality virtually NO EMPLOYEE would even THINK of saying SHIT again because they’re terrified of losing their job in such a fucked up part of American History.

Bottom Line here is:

Insourcing or Outsourcing ITS ALL EXPLOITATION. Capitalism run rampant will be the final blow that Murders America.

The Hepatitis C Hypothesis

I have had a hypothesis lingering in the back of my brain for over a year, and my hypothesis is can Marijuana slow the progression of Hepatitis C. Now lets establish a few things before I begin presenting my Hep C Hypothesis .

I’m not a Medical School student.
I have no formal medical training/education.
I am not a Doctor.
I contracted Hep C
I was treated for Hep C and now am considered cured (Hep C level is undetectable)
I am curious and intelligent
I keep up with the advancements of Marijuana in Medicine as I am 100% Pro Pot and the governments propaganda has been disproven as now real medical research has begun

So heres the story, hypothesis, and Explanation there of. When I was 72 I had danced with the Hellion Heroin for brief periods through out my younger years, but this time it finally found me and proceeded to do exact its revenge the only way Heroin knows how by destroying your life. But that is a story for a different occasion and this is not a tutorial or case study on or about Heroin.

The only reason I mentioned Heroin at all is there are only 2 ways to contract Hep-C one being through a Blood Transfusion (Which I’ve never had and RELAX THEY CHECK FOR IT NOW.) and the second being through intravenous drug use which is how I became infected. Now Hep C can hideout in your liver for 10,15,20 years before any symptoms are present so I personally diagnosed with Hep C a decade (10 years) later after I had cleaned myself up along with my life.

Its one of those stories you hear about I went in for routine blood work as part of a well overdue physical. After a while I realized that the Doctor’s office had failed to call me with my blood work results which is par of the course so I called them since I find people not preforming their basic job duties irritating as fuck. I got a receptionist that answered the phone as if she hated her job and her life along with it who transferred me to a nurse. The nurse got on the line and read my results like she had never seen (more or less read) blood work results before in her life, and seemed to be desperately struggling to figure out what she was looking at. In the end she informed me that due to slightly elevated liver enzymes the Doctor was recommending a more extensive blood work panel. I am not one of those smart asses that go on Med MD or some shit, and then go to my Doctor and try to 1 up him when he presents his findings/recommendations. I followed the Doctors orders and promptly went to have my blood drawn and sent off to some laboratory god knows where to be analyzed. Once the results were in I was contacted in a timely matter this time around, and wanted me to set up a consultation (which I interpreted as VERY BAD fucking thing because consultations of this sort always lend themselves to the worst of the worst scenario) When I got to the consultation the Doctor told me the diagnosis was Hepatitis C and that being out of his skill set was referring me to a specialist (known as Infectious Disease Doctors which I believe to be the worst fucking title for a Doctor as they already make people nervous to begin with).

NOW LETS PAUSE A MINUTE. This is also NOT a tutorial on Hep C so I’m mentioning only the bare basics as I they related to me personally through my Hepatitis situation. If your curious about Hep C then fucking Google it.

When I met with the Specialist who informed me that for someone with Hep C I was in rather good position. This was due to the fact my viral load (or amount of Hep C found in one’s blood) was 100,000 which granted sounds like a lot, BUT on average when someone comes to him their numbers are 5 million usually more. Also he informed me that due to excessive amounts of liver transplants the FDA had made Hep C its number 1 priority which meant they were pumping millions of dollars into research. I was lucky I didn’t have to suffer through the traditional interferon which is used to treat cancer as well as Aids/HIV and was the main reason people quit treatment. All I had to do in the end was take 2 pills once a day for 3 months, have blood work immediately after finishing treatment and then again a year later to see if I was indeed cured which I was and am to this day.

Now even though I was in a good position along with new medications to be cured before I suffered a single symptom and was subsequently was cured still had to wonder how it all came to be. I say that because when I was using Heroin I also drank excessively and we all know that will kill your liver if you let it so my liver was getting the holy Hell kicked out of it in a 2 on 1 fight for preservation. I would like to say when I got clean I also got sober yet that was not to be the case. I continued to drink heavily with occasional benders. I still enjoy beer (I have quit Booze) BUT I have learned in older age moderation is the key to all things this world has to offer.

My lingering question simply was how in spite of the Shooting Heroin and the boarder line alcoholism how could my Hep C viral load was extremely low when I was diagnosed? Then I noticed new studies in Marijuana and its affect on Cancer Tumors. What was being reported was while Marijuana can’t cure Cancer or destroy tumors it could buy the patient a good deal of well needed/wanted time by slowing the Tumor’s ability to replicate Cancer Cells. Basically Caner sets up shop (the way Hep C sets up shop in the liver) and then replicates Caner cells like a fucking Cancer Factory Assembly Line. Hep C specifically sets up its shop in the liver it works in the same way as Cancer does using replication. So the initial Hypothesis is Can Marijuana Slow The Replication of the Hepatitis C Virus in infected patients they way it can in Cancer Patients?!

Its not just the Marijuana itself that I believe could slow Hep C’s replication process alone theres more to it than that. While it has for a rather long time been proven as fact that every single human being (for unknown reasons) has THC receptors in wired into their brains. But not only that further research on THC receptors has shown its not just the brain that comes equipped with THC receptors but they can be found through out the body. Not only that but there are dense clusters of THC receptors located through out the human body INCLUDING THE LIVER.

In summation my hypothesis is this: Can Marijuana in combination with the cluster of THC receptors in the liver account for my extremely low viral load (and the ability to be 100% cured) being due to the combined ability of Marijuana and the THC receptors located in the liver slow Hep C cell replication?