Observational Humor – Page 2

FYB Update: a Glimpse Behind The Cloke

I apologize for the Last 4 Days of Dead Air for Lack of a Better Term in Our Posting of New Content. Thus it Only seems Fare to Let You know some of the Reasons Why so Please Refer to the Following.

Well it has become Apparent the Stand Off with the Neighbors is Going to be a Real Motherfucker. Being Impatient as Impatient can be I broke down and called My Contractor for Assistance. My Contractor “Fatback” Billy gladly came over with a Big Ass Chainsaw and Deposed of the Mess that consisted of a/the Neighbor’s Tree that had fucking Collapsed onto Our Property Royally fucking Up Park of Our Fence. “Fatback” Billy then Repaired the Fence even though He repeatedly Stated that He wasn’t a Fence Guy, but He’d do His Best. By doing this I had opted to Pay Out of fucking Pocket for the Clean up/Repair Now, and Seek Restitution of Sorts a Bit Later with Said Neighbors when the Timing was Better.

To be Completely Honest the Issue isn’t even about the fucking Money or Any Money whatsoever. As Far as I’m fucking concerned it’s the Sole Principle of the Matter at Hand that is the Important. For Me the Principle of the Matter is No One likes when shit like this Happens because it’s a Huge Pain in the Ass to Remedy Usually. Unfortunately though in this Case it did fucking Happen so Let’s Deal with it like fucking Adults . What I mean by Adult is simply Let’s Try and be Decent while Dealing with the Issue since We’ve Established Previously Sucks.

With that Said Needless to Say the Neighbor’s have been Nothing but Utter and Complete fucking Dicks, I talking Full Blown Full On Assholes of the Highest Caliber. Of Course I’m going to Immediately take Exception to that because if I have to “Play Nice” then So fucking Do You. Thus We find Ourselves Currently in the Eye of a Shiticane for Now at Least. Fucking Neighbors.

On a Brighter and Far Better note We managed to Haphazardly at the Last fucking Minute to Reschedule Our Vacation that We missed it initially Due to an Absolute Asshole Actually Parked in the Middle of the Road. You see After the Accident We got a Rental Car because Out here in The Woods there is NO Public Transportation Or Uber, and Walking Distance is given in Miles. The Only issue with the Rental (which was Actually Pretty Decent as Rentals go) was the Insurance would Only cover it for So Long thus We ultimately needed a New Car to Replace the Wrecked One.

The Process was the Standard Basic Standard of a Pain in the Brain. I do have to say that My Auto Insurance Company did conduct Their business in a Timely and Polite Fashion, and that I truly Appreciate it. So the Day after the Crash Our Auto Insurance sent a Claims Adjuster or The Guy Who Informs You How Fucked Your Car (and Thus You in Turn) Actually Are. This One was an Easy Job for the Claims Adjuster because the Car was Obviously Totaled.

This is where I nearly had a fucking Heart Attack simultaneously with a Massive Stress induced Aneurysm when I find out The Check for the Totaled Car DOESN’T Cover My Wife’s Car Loan. Also to My Wife at that Particular Point COULDN’T Remember if She had or Had Not Bought Gap Insurance when She Purchased the Car (again Honestly I fucking Forgot Too so that didn’t fucking Help Either).

This meant IF My Wife had in Fact Bought the Gap Insurance when it was Offered at the Time of Purchase it would Cover the Remainder of the Loan, and We’d Break Even which was fucking Fine by Us. If though She Hadn’t gotten the Gap Insurance Option We’d still be on the Hook for around $6,000 or So. Again it wasn’t Necessarily the Loss of Money (though it Didn’t fucking Help a lick for fuck’s Sake), but the Principle of the Matter.

What I mean is if the fucking Car is Totaled and the Auto Insurance Guys Report it’s fucking Totaled WHY fuck would I still be Obligated to Pay Off the fucking Loan. The Car is a Complete Loss, Utterly Unrepairable, Yet the Auto Loan Sacks of Shit are Going to make Us Pay Off the Loan in Full for like I said a Car that NO LONGER for all intents and Purposes fucking Exist Anymore. It’s Only Good for Scrap Metal. Talk about a Financial Fuck You. Thank the Universe My Wife did have the Foresight to Purchase Gap Insurance and We narrowly Dodged that Bullet.

Though We were Happy as Hell to Not be Shafted by Unnecessary or Unjust Financial Debt We had just bought the Previous Car less than a Year ago, and Now found Ourselves in the Exact same Place. We had come Full fucking Circle Back to Square One. There was Small But VERY SIGNIFICANT Acceptation this Time Around that was a Bonafide Game Changer.

My Mother as it were had been Away Summering in the North as She is Apt to Do when She was Hit from Behind sitting at a Traffic Light. In the End Her Car was Reported as Totaled because the Impact had Bent the Car’s fucking Frame thus making it a Complete fucking Write Off. Now it is Important for Clarification Purposes that My Mother being the Obsessive Micro Manager that She is God Bless Her DID NOT MAKE AN IMPULSE BUY, it was in Fact an IMPATIENT BUY. The Different being She was so Impatient to Return to the Southern Country to Check in on Everything and Everyone She made a Quick (and Inappropriate) Purchase. She made sure it was a Safe and Reliable Car with Good Gas Mileage and all that Happy Horseshit, BUT She still Longed for Her Recently Lost (Totaled) Car None the Less.

Most People when They By a Car text Pictures and Babble incessantly about it to Everyone under the Sun it Seems, Yet My Mother didn’t. She Texted one Picture of Her New Car with a Caption Reading “My Boring New Car” and “It’s an Ugly Color” for Example. She Then promptly Named the Car Boring in French. All My Mother did was Compare Her New Car to the Old One and Depressively Point out the Various Differences in Options Blah, Blah, Blah. Well when She came and Rescued the Big Dog’s from the Accident Site and Later She gave The Big Dogs and I a ride Home noticed My Mother had started to Once again Point out Things She didn’t like about Her New Car.

The Thing is Last Time My Wife had Bought a Car She had Test Driven the Same Car My Mother had Purchased. The Only reason She didn’t Buy the Exact Same Car was She got a Better Deal Dollar Wise on the Second Car in Consideration. I decided to take a Chance and Informed My Mother that if She didn’t actually like He knew Car (and I was guessing the Idea of a Do Over would make Her fucking Day) that She could Sell it to My Wife.

By the Time We arrived back at Base Camp My Wife had already been dropped off by the Tow Truck Driver on His was to the Local Tow Yard. My Wife Echoed the Exact same sentiment as I had thus really Driving the Idea Home. What can I say other than it Worked the Next Day My Mother was Out Hitting Up Dealerships looking for the EXACT SAME CAR as the one She Lost. The Only Tricky Part was that Particular Make and Model had Discontinued by the Company that made it. Apparently and Get this it was TOO fucking Popular and They Maker’s were making Too Much Money Hand over Fist, but I digress.

Well to make a Long Story a Little Shorter One thing Lead to Another and by the Time We had to relinquish the Rental Car My Mother and My Wife had Worked Out all the Needed Details. As it Turns Out for Reasons that I will Not go into because I find them Tedious My Mother Gave (or in Tax Terms Gifted) My Wife the Car so We now have the Luxury of Not be Bleed By a Long Term Car Loan from a Bunch of Son of a Bitch Bankers.

Speaking of Which When My Mother Finalized the purchase of Her most current Car the Money Man tried to get one Over on My Mother buy Selling Her a Warranty She didn’t Need or Want to the Tune of $400. My Mother was Worn Out at the Time and Made a Note to Double Check this Warranty Bullshit which She did. You must Understand that as Far as Anyone can or could Tell My Mother looks and Behaves like a Classic Little Old Lady, but if You fuck with Her or Her Money then You’re going to End up the One Who gets Fucked. She made just one Phone Call the Following Day to the Car Dealership where She bought the Car, and I have No Clue what the fuck She Said Yet the Reactions She got was Poetic Justice. The Money Man Himself called to Apologize and Immediately Refund My Mothers Money. It didn’t End there as My Mother received several Extremely Apologetic Phone Calls from the Car Dealership’s Management.

Looks like this Post that was Supposed to Cover All of The So Called Bases as Some might be Apt to Say, but I’m going to Split it into 2 Parts since I’m fully aware the Longer the Post the more of a Strain it is On the Eyes and Attentions Span. So Keep Your Eyes out for “Glimpse Behind The Cloak Part 2: Next Stop the Great Southern Swamp.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (42/365)

“Here We are Home at Last!”, said Dizzy Joyfully, “Watch Your Step till I get some Light going.”

Dizzy fumbled with the Lock for a good 3-4 minutes jiggling the Handle and Key alike while Pushing and Pulling at the Door waiting for it to Comply and allow Them Entry. Lee noted the Door was an Actual Antique being made out of Solid Oak Not the Cheap Composite Board Ikea Crap. There was No Cutting Corners for Whoever the Craftsman was who made this Door using Creativity, Determination, Skill, and a whole hell of a lot of Elbow Grease.

You could see the Door was well Worn by Years of Being Opened, Closed, Slammed Shut, Knocked On, Kicked, Swung Open, and the General Test of Time Itself. It showed it Battle Wounds No matter how many Layers of Paint (currently the Door had been Painted a Shitty Shade of Green that resembled the Color of an Old Bowl of Split Pea Soup) Coated it You could still see all the Scratches, Gauges, and Dings the Door had Endured Throughout the Many Years of Service.

Lee couldn’t help but think of How some of the Crappiest Places on Earth could still Hold on to Treasures of Times like the Oak Door. Lee thought it was a Tragedy of Society that Millennials had No Concept of Quality as They were a Part of the New so called “Throw Away Culture.” Back not to Long ago When Lee was a Child Appliances such as Refrigerators and Dishwashers were Built to Last and could go 10 Plus Years before One needed to even consider Replacing it.

Lee believed fully that Capitalism had Cannibalized the Consumer as They Monitized Every Facset of Human Life.Today Products like Appliances and Furniture are so Cheaply Made (as to Keep Profits High as Possible mind You) its designed to Crap out on You. Appliances have a Average Usage Life or approximately 5 Years. The Mass Produced Ikea Furniture thats all the Rage Breaks or Falls Apart in No Time Flat. So in by the End of Your Life Millennia’s will have been Financially Raped into Replacing Products Several Times or More while Wasting a Small Fortune in the Process. Capitalism has Bastardized the word Disposable Lee thought from Paper Plates to Include Any and Every Product You can find in Your Home. Capitalism has Consumed the Consumer Lee though in utter Disgust and Great Contempt.

The same was with the Classic American Hand Made Furniture made by Artisans Who were Truly Masters of Their Craft. Dinning Room Sets, Bed Room Sets, Chairs, Hutches, China Cabinets were Made to Last up, and can up to or Over 100 fucking Years. Antique Furniture had/has Personality since it was Made By Craftsman’s Hands, and Not made of Cheap Flimsy Materials as They’re Mass Produced on a fucking Assembly Line in some fucking Factory. Just another innocuous Production Plants Pumping Out Product as Fast as Humanly Possible with No regard to Quality Nor Aesthetics. Lee couldn’t get His head around it. Why would anyone Settle for Connivence over a Crap Load of Cash?!

Now a days Millennials are completely Oblivious to the Fact Their Ignorance is being Exploited like a Son of a Bitch as They are completely Blinded by Advertising, and Brainwashed By Consumerism. They use something then the Sub Par Piece of Shit Breaks, and They just go Out and Spend more Money replacing it. Instead of Wondering Why the hell They are Wasting so much Money Unnecessarily Millennials just Shrug, assume thats “Just the Way it Is”, and Fork Over Fistfuls of Cash for Shoddy Craftsmanship and Cut Rate Materials. Lee thought of it as if Someone came up to You and asked if You’d like to by some crap at Their Yard Sale which most Everyone wouldn’t, BUT They were doing exactly that every time They bought shit for there Homes like Poorly constructed Furniture or Second Rate Appliances/Electronics.

“Are You going to come in or Wait to be Mugged in the Hallway?!” Dizzy asked having already Vanished into the Cloak of Darkness that Enshrouded His Apartment.

“Yeah I coming since I don’t feel the need to be Sexually Assaulted in the Stair Well by some Bastard on Bath Salts.” replied Lee in a Bitter Half Joking tone of Voice.

Tune in Next Week for the Next Bowel Irritating Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (43/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Davey on Acid and The Friendly Ass Biter

It was a Mildly Pleasant Summer Day in Suburban Hell when I met up with My partner in Crime Armenian who just so happened to have some Seriously Intense LSD. Since there was never anything to do (which explains all the Drug Use) in Our Tiny Town so We had to be Creative.

On this Day Armenian and I decided to visit an Acquaintance of Ours named Davey. I say acquaintance since We weren’t actually Friends, but We knew each other because We moved in the same Social Circles. I expressed the interest in seeing what Davey would be like on Acid, and thus Our Plan for the Day materialized. I called Davey who was Home and had nothing in particular to do and had No Objection to Hanging Out. Armenian and I then rode Our Dirt Bikes over to Davey’s since We had Our Driver’s Licenses, BUT Neither of Us had a Car.

We showed up at Davey’s a little after Noon to find Him tooling around on His Skateboard in His Driveway. We loitered in the Driveway contemplating what the fuck to do Next since We were in the Possession of Intense LSD, and Davey’s Parents were Home. We didn’t want to Drop Acid at Davey’s thats for fucking sure. There is nothing more awkwardly fucked up than having to Deal with Your or a Friends Parents while Your Tripping Face.

Again not have a Car impeded Our Prospects greatly to say the least. In the End We did the Only thing We could think of because the other issue at Hand was We were all Broke as Hell, and that was to take a Walk. With Our plan now in place We took the Acid, and made Our way to the Woods that bordered Davey’s Neighborhood since it was Secluded. The last thing We wanted was to be aimlessly wondering the Streets were We were vulnerable and could run into other People like Davey’s Neighbor’s, Assholes from Our High School, The Pissy Police, Little Kids, Pets, the Elderly, and Landscapers for example.

By the time We had leisurely strolled over to the Woods the Acid was beginning to kick in Big Time. The disassociating of Reality and Distortion of Time started to Set in along with the Nervous Excitement for the Hallucinatory Adventure ahead of Us. We haphazardly made Our way to a small clearing in the Woods that was utilized by The Teens of Town for Underage Drinking and Smoking Pot. Once We reached the Clearing thats exactly what We did We smoked several joints as the Acid took Full Effect.

We collectively made the Decision that We should leave the Clearing before some other Partiers Showed up. We thought it be best to head down to the near by Creek, Yet We were having a Great Deal of Trouble Locating it as Hallucinations made it Hard to get One’s bearings as You might imagine. After stumbling around and over one another We located a Path (at least at the Time it appeared to be a Path) and figured We were Lost because We hadn’t remember there was in fact a Path We could follow that would lead Us down to the Creek We were seeking for So Diligently.

As We were walking along I pulled a Bur (one of thoseCircular fuckers with all the Prongs) off of My Pant Leg. Armenian who was walking beside Me informed Me I had come in Contact with an Ass Biter. At that point I asked the Only Pertinent question Asking if said Ass Biter was Friendly or Hostile?! To My relief Armenian respond by saying that the Ass Biter in question was indeed Friendly. I looked and saw Davey walking a good bit ahead of Us and still mulling the Bur over between My fingers I thought it be absolutely fucking Hilarious to Toss the Bur at Davey.

Once I lobbed the Bur at Davey I yelled “FRIENDLY ASS BITER!” to for Shits and Giggles. Now I don’t know where Davey’s Head was at the moment I threw the Newly Dubbed Friendly Ass Biter at Him, BUT I think it was Safe to assume He wasn’t in a good Head Space. As soon as I made My Exclamation Davey turned to Look at Me and then took off as Fast as His fucking Feet could take Him off the Path and headlong into the Woods. Armenian and I called after Him letting Him know it was a Joke and He wasn’t in any danger at all, Yet Davey couldn’t be dissuaded and just kept Hauling Ass.

Armenian and I took off in pursuit of Davey but We eventually Lost sight of Him as We got more and more turned around. Then Armenian heard the sound of the Creek and thought it be a Prime spot for Davey to run off to and I agreed. We followed the sound of Flowing Water until We came to the Creek, and We found Davey standing Waist Deep in the fucking Middle of the Creek. Davey was holding completely still like a Statue all accept for His eyes which were Darting back and forth from Bank to Bank as if The Ground was Alive and expected it to Snatch Him Up at any Second.

Armenian asked Davey what exactly He was doing to which Davey replied that Friendly Ass Biters couldn’t Swim and thus were Terrified of Water. I told Davey he needed to get the fuck out of the Creek so We could find Our way out of the fucking Forrest. Davey refused to move Firmly His Ground and the more I tried to get Him out the More Davey dug Himself in. I looked at Armenian with a “What the fuck do We do Now” expression plastered across it.

Armenian to His credit snapped into Action and told Davey that the Government had be Alerted to the Plague of Friendly Ass Biters. And since the Government was made Aware of the Threat had Planes fly over all Wooded Areas and Spray a Non Toxic Anti Ass Biter Agent. This Water Based Agent had been Highly Effective as the Government had just Announced that all Friendly Ass Biter had been utterly Eradicated. Armenian’s bullshit story worked like a Charm and Davey came lumbering out of the Creek without Question.

We made Our way out of the Woods and back to Davey’s which took God knows how long to Achieve. Once at Davey’s His Dad had left to go Golfing or some other dumb ass Suburban Dad Horseshit, and His Mom was putting Davey’s Baby Brother down for a Nap. We took advantage of this and had Davey run inside and retrieve His Cordless Phone which He did flawlessly without freaking out or getting distracted, or just plain forgetting what He was doing. We managed to finally get a hold of a Friend who had access to a Car who came and Picked Us up. We then bummed a Ride to Our Local Mall, BUT thats a Story for Another Day.

Thank for Reading,

By Les Sober

The Tale of Dunkin Donuts Man & Starbucks Woman

I was out this Weekend with My Wife at The Godawful Grocery Store Battling the Mind Numbing Monotony of it All. You see Errands Irritate the Shit Out of Me it’s Not the Actual Act of Shopping its All the Other Assholes I have to circumvent or Deal with Outright. The One thing that was Amusing Me was the New Dunkin Donuts T-Shirt I found in My Closet (I can’t remember where it came from Initially.) which Read: Friends Don’t Let Friends Drink Starbucks.

I got a huge fucking kick as I am a Big Time Dunkin Donuts Fan I also fucking HATE THE SHIT OUT OF STARBUCKS always Have ALWAYS WILL. Starfuck’s Coffee is a bunch of Over Hyped and Over Priced Bitter Bullshit, and Not Only That but Starfucks Customers are Pretentiously Lame Lemmings. Starfucks Pompus Customers that get Off on all the Happy Hipster Horseshit like calling the Employees Baristas or the fucking Ridiculously Coded Names for Their Coffees.

My Wife stepped away for a Minute to retrieve some sort of Ass Cream. This was for the Sole purpose of having Me ask Why She was Buying Ass Cream, and then Her Saying “It’s for My Asshole.” before Handing it Directly To Me with a Sly Smile. I like to see that I rubbed off on Her a Bit over the Years even if its My Absurd Sarcastic Sense Humor.

While My Wife was off Getting Her Prop so She could Set Me Up a Woman came Strolling By. Then out of fucking No Where She stops right in from of Me. She stood there Facing Me glaring like She just smiled the Foulest Fart imaginable with one Hand on the Shopping Cart Handle and the Other on Her Waist. She remained standing thee like that before finally speaking the fuck up, and when She did She Said “I HATE Your Shirt.” in a Totally Pissed the fuck Off tone of Voice.

After making Her Spite Filled Statement She again just Stood there in front of Me Disapprovingly like a Angry ass Soccer Mom or Some shit. Now Normally I’d have a Clever and Bitter Response that would have Leveled Her, BUT I was completely Blind Sided by This Barrage of Bullshit. So going with My Knee Jerk Reaction I Blurted out “Well Fuck You Too.” To My Surprise the Woman remained Standing Unfazed by My Harsh and Foul Mouthed Response.

The Two of Us remained in this bizarre Stand Off until luckily for Me My Wife returned. She immediately knew something weird was going on by the Scowl on My face. She asked what was going on, and I informed Her this Stranger had Stopped specifically to tell Me she Hated My Shirt. That and at that Point I had responded with the exclamation “Well Fuck You Too.” My Wife looked over at the Lady and said to her something about being a Starbucks Lover (aka Dunkin Donut Hater) to which The Strange Woman confirmed.

I was still a bit baffled by this bullshit scenario because She didn’t say She Hated My Shirt Jokingly, She didn’t say it Sarcastically, and She didn’t do the Whole “I’m only half Joking because really I’m being a Dick using a Backhanded Compliment.” She simply got in My face and Told Me She Hated My Shirt with No Context or Emotion other than Repulsed Disgust.

A Moment or Two after Admitting Her comment was Pro Starbucks Driven the Woman finally Turned and slowly walked away pushing Her Shopping Cart with Aggravated Determination. Seconds after the Woman Exited the Isle a Man came by and informed Me he liked the Shirt and thought it made all the sense in the World. He pointed out How this Weirdo Woman’s reaction only served to back the Statement written on My T-Shirt. Thats because Starbucks Coffee is Not just a fucking Scam, BUT Their Customers are Stuck the fuck Up Elitist Coffee Assholes to boot.

We finished Our Shopping Trip without Running into the StarBucks Bitch again which I guess is for the Best since I ended up getting rather Pissed Myself after the Fact. The funny fucking thing is Out of ALL (I have an extensive Collection I’ve Accumulated over My Many Years on this Planet) T-Shirts that I Own This was the One that Pissed Off Someone to the Point They had to Personally Inform Me of Their Hate. I mean in all actuality have some T-shirts that are So Offensive I don’t wear them in Public Anymore, Yet its NOT because Someone Confronted Me over any of Them. I’m just trying to Save Myself Bullshit Run Ins like The One I just Wrote About.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Beware of The Extended Warranty Scam (And A World’s Worst Scammer Award Nominee)

There is a Saying that Goes “You know how Once in a While You come across Someone You SHOULDN’T fuck with? That Person is ME.”

Just like Many of You out there I get My fair share of Scummy Phone Scammers calling Me for Time to Time. I’ve heard them ALL the SCAMS the IRS, Government Grant, Merriot Vacation, Tech Support, Tech Service Refund (there are Several Refund Scams), The Accidental Transferring of Money into My Bank Account that I’m told I need to “Repay”, and Now the Extended Warranty Scam.

This is by Far the Stupidest Scam conducted by The World’s Shittiest Scammer I have yet to Encounter. To say They were Amateur would be the fucking Understatement of the Century to say the Least. This Scammer was so Shitty it sounded as if this was Their First Day Scamming, and The Scam Itself was full of Holes. This wasn’t so much a Scam as it was a PATHETIC JOKE.

When this Warranty Scammer called Me I had a Free Minute and rather Bored (that combined with My UTTER CONTEMPT and HATE for Scammer Scumfucks, and Love of Several Youtube Scam Baiters) I figured why Not take a moment to fuck this Scammer’s Day Up as Much as Possible.

Here is the Conversation Virtually Verbatim Along with My Notations. Enjoy.

*My Phone Rings, I look at the Number and Realize its more likely than Not a Scam because if I know You then Your name or Company Name comes up on the Caller ID Deal. I decide to Answer Anyway.*

Les: “Hello?!”

Robo Call Automated Message: “Your Car Warranty has expired or is expiring soon. If You’re interested in the Purchase Extended Warranty Coverage Press 1, If You’re are Not Interested Press 2 to be put on Our Do Not Call List.”

*First off NEVER fall for the Do Not Call List Option as in this Case it COMPLETE BULLSHIT. Your number will simply be Recycled through Their Auto Dialing System. This message sounded like it was slapped together in a 3 Minute editing Session. The Voice was from Outdated Messages that Sounds like/Enunciates like a fucking Robot/Speak and Spell.

The Sentences were short and choppy it was obviously a compilation of sorts constructed out of Several Older Automated Messages (just like Dr. Frankenstein pieced His Monster together Haphazardly). It was Sloppy and Shady as all get Out.

Since I had the Time and needed something to Entertain Myself with I pressed 2. The Other Tip Off it was a Scam was the Interim Hold Music went Bum-De Bum- Bum on a Loop which is a CLASSIC Scammer Give Away.

Scammer: Hello?

Les: “Hello what can I do for You Today?”

*”Step into My Web” said the Spider to the Fly.*

Scammer: “Hi Yes We were calling You today because according to the Information We received You Car Warranty is Almost Expired and You will no longer have the Security a Warranty Provides. Would You like to Buy Extended Warranty coverage?”

*She never gave Me a Name Not even a Blatantly Fake one. She also Never Addressed Me by Name or as Mr. Sober, and Lastly She NEVER said WHAT COMPANY She was calling For/On behalf of. This Vagueness with Lack of ANY Pertinent Information is Also a DEAD GIVE AWAY. A lot of the Time these Sacks of Shit are simply Cold Calling People at Random, and Lack Any and All Vital Standard Details/Information.*

Les: “Warranties are useful its good to have Insurance so to Speak, Safety First is what I Say.”

Scammer” “Ok Good. We have a Few Different Options…..”

*I cut Her Off*

Les: “What do I Drive?”

*The Easiest Question I could Ask.*

Scammer:” What?”

Les: “WHAT do I DRIVE?!”

*If They in fact Knew My Warranty was Up then They would know the Basic details such as Make, Model, and Year of My Car. Obviously these Details are Needed for Verification Purposes. Without these Basic Details People could claim Any Car Old, New or Someone Else’s was the One Under Warranty thus causing the Issuing Company to Go Bankrupt faster than a Ferret Fart.*

Scammer: “I get My information from our Main Offices’s Official Head Quarters.”

*This wasn’t the Question I asked. I asked what Do I Drive, NOT where do you get Your Information From. Classic Scammer Avoidance Tactic. Also The Fake Companies, Departments, Agencies sound good until You stop for a fucking Split Second, and Realize that The Name makes No Sense whatsoever since its obviously Made Up. *

Les: “So Your Boss at Head Quarters knows My Warranty is about to Expire for My Car, But Has NO IDEA what I Drive? Thats rather Odd sounding.”

Scammer:”The Information We receive is……”

*Again I cut Her off*

Les: “I’m beginning to wonder if this call is Legitimate.”

*Statement like the One above make Scammers Nervous since what They are doing is COMPLETELY ILLEGAL. The fucking Irony is How fucking Defensive these Shitfuckers get When You call them out on Their bullshit Scam. It more than likely has to do with People being made More Aware, Educated, and Conscious of/on the Different Types of Scams (which is Generally Extremely Easy To Do. Example THE IRS DOESN’T TAKE GIFT CARDS AS PAYMENT.), and with the Popularity of Scam Baiters on Youtube increases the Exposure of the Scammer’s current Scams. Its all Very Bad for Their “Business”*

Scammer: “Sir, Sir What are You Talking About? What do You Mean?”

Les: “You call Me selling Warranty Coverage for My Car, BUT you have ZERO Details and Haven’t answered My Question which is Shady as Shady Gets You ask Me.”

Scammer: “Sir You have to Understand I’m in a Call Center, sitting in My Cubical I don’t have Access to such Information.”

*Chances are in Fact these Scammers where sitting around somewhere Using Their fucking Laptops which is Far more common these Days. 95% of the Call Center or Office Background Noise You Typically hear is a Generic Recording that They Play in the Back round in an Attempt to appear more Official. Being able to Operate Outside of the Traditional Call Center reduces the Risk of Being Caught in a Police Raid as Well which is convenient if You’re a Sleazy Scammer Scumbag. I didn’t want to Scare Her off since I still had some time to Kill so I glazed over My Last Statement like I never said it to begin with.*

Les: “So which Vehicle of Mine has a Warranty thats about to Expire? I have My Car, I bought My Wife’s Car, I bought My Kids Cars when They got Their Driver’s License, and I have Several Work Trucks because I own My Own Construction Business. So Which One Do I need an to Buy Extended Coverage For because as I said Safety First so Best to have a Warranty before Your Car Breaks down, and You have to Pay out of Pocket.”

*Yes this is a Longer rephrasing of My original Question being “What DO I Drive.*

Scammer: “Your Primary Vehicle.”

*Now she meant My Car, BUT I told Her I have My Own Company so How does She know My Work Truck is in fact My Primary Vehicle (Primary Vehicle equates to The Car You Drive the Most. Also that Entire Statement is FALSE, I Bought My Car, My Wife Bought Hers, We don’t have Kids more or Less Driving Age, and No I do NOT Own My Own Construction Company.*

Les: “My Primary Vehicle You Say? Thats Strange.”

Scammer: “Sir Warranties are for a Limited Time Period after that the Coverage You have with it Expires, and You have to by Extended Warranty to sure You remain covered in case something goes wrong with Your Vehicle.”

*So She just gave Me the Definition of a Vehicle Warranty and How it Works which is Ridiculous Since She supposed to Be Selling Me Extended Coverage for an Almost Expired Warranty, BUT doesn’t seem to Think I have a fucking Clue What a Warranty is or How it Works.*

Les: “SO My Warranty is on the verge of Expiring for My Primary Vehicle and You can Sell Me Extended Coverage is that Right?”

Scammer: “Yes Sir You are Correct.”

Les: “Well That doesn’t make Sense to Me, It’s all Very Strange as Far as I’m Concerned.”

*Now She’s afraid She is going to Lose Her Scam Target, and Ramps Up the Sales Pitch.*

Scammer: “There is nothing Strange Sir, this is How Car Warranties Work You see, When Your Current Warranty runs out You need to purchase Additional Coverage, and Thats what My Company Does.”

*Again Notice She Never Identified WHAT COMPANY it is She supposedly is working for.*

Les: “Well Alright Then I just have One Question for You.”

Scammer: “Yes Sir what is the Question You want to ask Me?”

Les: “If I Bought My Car from a Private Seller, NOT a Dealership, and The Car was 8 years Old and change when I acquired it if there had been a Warranty it ran out long before I got there. So if I NEVER had a Warranty in the first fucking Place then How the Hell is it Going to Expire?! Not to mention the Vehicle is so Old at this Point NO ONE in Their right Mind would even Entertain the Idea of Offering Me an Extended Warranty. So.”

Scammer:”Sir the Information I was given…..”

*Yep I cut Her off Again.*

Les: “You know what I think?! I think this is a SCAM and Your a Shitty Scammer thing to Sell Me a FAKE Extended Warranty for My Car, and all You’d do is Disappear with My fucking Money since there OBVIOUSLY is NO ACTUAL EXTENDED WARRANTY. This is a Pathetic Bullshit Scam thats All.”

Scammer:”SIR We are Not a Scam, We are a Legitimate Company dealing with Extended Vehicle Warranty Coverage. I don’t know how or why You think this is a Scam when its Not a Scam at All.”

*This is the Classic Defensive Denial I was talking about earlier on in this Post. OF COURSE if You’re a Piece of Shit Scammer You’re Not going to Admit it I mean thats just Painfully Obvious. *

Les:” Well I’m going to Report You, and Post Your Number all Over Social Media Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter You name it. I am also going to Post Your number and the Details of this Scam in the Online Anti-Scam/Anti-Scammer Consumer Sites as well as Post it On YouTube for all the Scam Baiters out There. Then We will see if You’re a Lying sack of Scammer Shit or Not Right?!”

Scammer: !Immediately Hung Up! Again She was afraid of Being Exposed as an Illegal Fraudulent Scammer Shithead.

After I Posted and Reported this Scammers Scam it was confirmed beyond a Reason of Doubt A COMPLETE SCAM. Scammers are trying hard as Hell to Scam anyone left that They can because Public Awareness/Education combined with Advancements in Law Enforcement Technologies is making Increasingly hard for these Shit Sacks to Keep Their Scams Going.

REPORT ALL SCAM PHONE CALLS so More People will become Aware of the Scam, and Can/Will Protect Themselves from these Peckerheaded Parasitic Scammers. You can Google How to Report a Scam and Who to Report it, There is simply TOO MUCH contact Info for Me to Post Here. FUCK SCAMMERS FUCK’EM ALL.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watched (38/365)

I Apologize that I wasn’t Able to get this Posted Yesterday when it was Supposed to Be. I had one Last Fight I had to Finish Last Night, and Unfortunately it was in a Different Time Zone. Sorry for the Inconvenience.

It was then that Lee’s Attention was drawn to the Wall to His Left where there was a Window in the Wall covered with a Thick Pane of Bullet Proof Glass. The Window had the Classic Narrow Opening at the Very Bottom to allow for Money or Messages to be passed Between the Desk Clerk and The Customer. It reminded Lee exactly of the Type of Window You see at Gas Stations, Connivence Stores, and Liquor Stores in really shitty Neighborhoods. This reasserted Lee’s belief that this was Not Your Typical Holiday Inn.

“Grisly, HEY GRISLY! Where You at? Hurry Your Old Ass Up Here Guy.” Blurted Dizzy rather Rudely as apparently since walking in the Door Dizzy had become instantly Annoyed.

Lee stood patiently not sure what exactly was going on, but was satisfied watching it Unfold. There was a Long Prolonged Creaking straight out of a Halloween Sound Effects CD. The Creak was followed by a great deal of Shuffling, Wheezing, and the sound of Someone talking to Themselves under Their Breath. An Ancient looking Old Man finally came into view and Lee couldn’t help thinking to Himself that the Elderly Man could have been Danny Devito’s Older UnKnown Brother. This was due to the fact the Old Man stood hovering just under 5 feet tall, was quite Portly, and had Classic Male Pattern Baldness on top of it all.

“What? What do You want Now? God Almighty You’re all Pains in My wrinkled Old Ass.” griped Grisly sounding as if He was speaking with a Throat encased in Flem which gave His voice a Wet Gargling Tone.

“Listen You Old Cantankerous Coot I just want to see if I got any Mail today that’s all Don’t go Dying over it.” replied Dizzy who upon seeing Grisly had relaxed back to Normality. Dizzy seemed to be getting a Legitimate kick out of His interaction with Grumpy Old Grisly.

Grisly took His sweet as Time looking under the Counter looking for any Possible Mail that there was for Dizzy. After a excessive amount of Fumbling around Grisly stood up and announced that there was in fact No Mail for Dizzy, and then went on to Complain about being Disturbed over Nothing.

“You got a Quarter?” asked Dizzy matter of factly holding out His hand like a Panhandler.

“For What?” Lee said Questioningly as He wondered what a Quarter was even good for Now A Days.

“A fucking Phone Call, I have to Call for Our Ride remember???” replied Dizzy dumbfounded by the Question.

“Use Your fucking Cell Phone like everybody else then.” said Lee growing agitated by it all.

“I don’t have One. I refuse to buy a fucking Cell Phone, and will NEVER own one of those fuckers as Long as I live thats for Sure.” said Dizzy Emphatically, “You see when You buy a fucking Cell Phone You automatically Forfeit Your fucking Privacy. I don’t want every asshole under the fucking Sun to be able to Reach Me or at least Annoy the shit outta Me whenever They wish regardless of Where I am. And thats not all either because with goddamn Cell Phones everyday assholes can also Text You, E-mail You or Skype You in addition to just Calling You. Fuck and That I want NON of it, and Why Should I? The Last thing this World needs is another Cell Phone Dependent Zombie stumbling around Obliviously with Their heads in Their fucking Phones all damn Day.”

In Spite of how absolutely Odd and Insane Dizzy’s Anti-Cell Phone Position was Lee understood perfectly. In fact He wished He had the Balls the Throw His Cell Phone in the fucking Toilet to Drown the Damnable Thing Once and for All.

Be Sure To Tune in for Next Weeks Amazing Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (39/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

FYB’s Cartoons That Are NOT for Kids: Psychotic Saturday Cartoons

Saturday is Upon Us Once Again so its Time for Another Round of Cartoons That Are NOT for Kids. This Week its a Double Dose of Demented from treatsforbeasts (I know that looks a little fucked, BUT that’s how He Spells His Moniker).

First is a Little Diddy Titled “Beasts”, and if I had to guess its a Sarcastic Sociological Commentary on How People Feel Entitled to do Whatever the hell They want regardless of the Damage or Consequences. “Beasts” was the LAST VIDEO Posted by treatsforbeasts over 2 Years Ago.

WARNING!!! THE SECOND CARTOON TITLED “I LOVE JESUS” Contains IMAGES and CONTENT That Some Viewers May Find HIGHLY OBJECTIONABLE. ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE A CHRISTIAN WHO TAKES THEIR RELIGION SERIOUSLY DO NOT WATCH “I LOVE JESUS”.

Summery/Plot Line of “I LOVE JESUS” Portrays Christians as Members of a Violent Death Cult. So You can see why the WARNING Above was Necessary, and if Not Now You will After Watching It. Enjoy.

And Now Our Second Featured Cartoon “i love jesus” Enjoy.

Hope You had a BLAST Watching This Delightful Double Dose of The Demented. Until Next Time remember Animation can be an Abomination Too.

Presented By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (35/365)

“So what’s the Deal with The Name and the Whole Bitcoin Bullshit about?!” asked Lee inquisitively.

“Well They picked the Name Ride because it Stays off People’s Radar. No One asks Questions. It’s the Hiding in Plain Sight Strategy. You see Everyone is more than Familiar with the concept of “A Ride” You Know?” answered Dizzy as He Riffled through His numerous Pockets to scrounge up the $4.37 for the 40s.

“Yeah I get it now. No One blinks when You say shit like “Thats My Ride” or “I got to call My Ride” because Ride is so utterly Generic No One Notices being Virtually Oblivious.” said Lee in a Slow Tone of Realization.

“So that’s explains the Name for You so what’s the Bitcoin Tie In about? Setting Up Ride so even in some INSANELY RARE OCCURRENCE an Asshole figures Out the Ride Name the Bitcoin is there as Back Up.” explained Dizzy plainly as He took several Prolonged Sips of His 40.

“What the fuck does that Mean? Back Up?! What kind of Back Up are You talking about specifically?!” said Lee in a Condescendingly Irritated Tone as He grew irritated by the Whole dragging out of the Conversation, and wished Dizzy would get to the fucking Point already.

“Alright fucking Relax You ass I’ll explain.,” said Dizzy with a rather Authoritative Tone, “It’s really quite Obvious Regular People Don’t deal in Bitcoin or Don’t know jack diddly shit about Bitcoin period or They deem Bitcoin Shady because of it’s Dark Web Association. So without Bitcoin You can’t use Ride.”

“Ok thats a Pretty fucking Smart Idea They came up with.” Said Lee with slight Admiration, “How fucking far is it until We get to Your Place it feels like We’ve been walking for fucking Ever and a Day.”

“Don’t be such a Drama Queen We’ll get there Soon Enough I assure You,” replied Dizzy nonchalantly.

The two continued Their on for a while in Silence as They made quick Work of Their 40s. Then all of Suddenly Dizzy grabbing Lee’s arm to get His Attention.

“Oh shit Look it’s fucking Dancing Dave!!” Dizzy blurted out in Drunken Excitement.

Lee Stopped and looked Diagonally across the Intersection at the Far Corner where Dizzy was Pointing Wildly. There on the Corner stood a Man dressed in a Navy Uniform, but not only that He also was wearing a Stereotypical Kitchen Apron along with a Old School Circa 1920’s-1930’s White Navy Cap. The Man appeared to be in His late 50’s to perhaps Early 60’s and was so Thin he looked a rather Sickly as He could weigh more than 90 pounds Soaking Wet. His skin was badly Weathered, and His Shoulders Hunched as He stood Slouching on the Corner as Still as a fucking Statue.

Dizzy again routed through His pockets until He located a handful of Spare Change which He searched through intently until He found a Couple of Quarters. Dizzy handed one of the Quarters to Lee without saying Why before He took His Quarter and lobbed it across the Intersection at Dancing Dave. The Quarter landed Unceremoniously at Dancing Dave’s Feet bouncing a couple of Times before finally coming to Rest.

Tune in for Next Weeks Enlightening Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (36/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Strange Shit Found On My Phone FT. SpaceDog

When I say I found some Strange Shit on My phone I’m not talking Googling or any of that Happy Horseshit. I have so much shit on My Cell Phone take Pictures for Example. I currently have 9,867 Pictures/Videos on My Phone as I write This. So needless to say some shit gets Lost in The Parallel Universe that is My Phone.

I was sitting on My Porch Idly fucking around with My Phone and Discovered a Long Lost Text Conversation I had with SpaceDog. I had Apparently taken Screen Shots of since it for Safe Keeping as I repeatedly Delete Texts/Emails/Recent Call List throughout The Day.

This in all Actuality a Conversation as it is a One Hell of a Diatribe of a Monologue on SpaceDog’s Part. I have a Total of Two (2) Texts in the Very Beginning as You will soon See. So All The Credit Goes to SpaceDog, and SpaceDog Alone as its 100% His Material. Respect.

Now I’m not even Kidding Here Kids this Text Exchange is Dated:

August 13, 2014 Starting at 12:16 am

Note To Reader: Each SpaceDog Paragraph is a Individual Subsequent Text.

Without Further Ado Here. We. Go.

Les: New Olympic Sport Gum Gargling.

SpaceDog: Jesus may have had 12 apostles but this girl steals the show with her 6 fetuses on a world class adventure transversing space and time. Staring Lena Dunham. If her pussy sin’t already engraved in your head it will become tethered to your soul says Roger Ebert.

Les: HA! Holy Shit!

SpaceDog: Lmfao. And please Exit before the clittoris becomes totally aroused. Just one 1 ml too much fluid on ones erect pernis will lead one to thinking that the dick inside their asshole is actually their own really pounding some world class pussy out. But then u wake up in that same dark hallway. Where all you see is Sarah McLaughlin eating dead puppies and Alissa Milano saying a little girl waits on a constant loop. And the only clothing you can buy ever again is the Susanne Sommers 3 way.

The hole that swallowed time is an epic battle between good and evil. Starting odd couple Jeff Goldblum and Judy Dench this odd couple wins a free time share at the beach but must go Blindfolded.Watch as they must escape the depths of hell, battling mesa, vaginitis, and misguided fecal matter. Adolph Hitler says “Mien stomach was so turned I actually freed 100 Jews from the gas chamber because I knew this movie would be much more painful. Special guests appearance by lemmewinks, Morgan Freeman, Kesha, and Weird Al.

I’m a rejected marvel comic superhero that only gains his powers from shooting up b 12 and being a snark cunt. Otherwise I turn into my day job as an accountant, while as a superhero I fly around and steal all the precious metals I can from old men on beaches with metal detectors, and then I feed the parts to sea gulls at beaches over run by assholes. This is the true reason assholes hate the beach.

And Thats That just like Opening a Text Time Capsule.

Thanks for Reading,

Presented by Les Sober.

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (34/365)

“So Ride is Modeled exactly like fucking Uber or Lift, BUT it was Designed, Set Up, Run By, and is Specifically for Tech Guys, You know the So Called Nerds. The one thing Everyone knows about Nerds is that They are Painfully Socially Awkward and shit like that. They exited Their World to Walk in Ours and They fall Prey to the Alpha Mentality. The “Alpha Male” Theory was based on David Mech’s Research into the Social Structure of Wolf Packs.” Dizzy said as the Slowly Meandered down the Street.

“I’ve head of that,” replied Lee pleasantly surprised by the Conversational Topic, “That’s the Theory that the “Alpha Male” Wolf asters Himself over the Pack through Aggression, but Year Later it was Proved Mech’s Research was proved to be a Debunked Model of Lupine Social Groups.”

“Exactly My Friend Exactly. It turned out that with Further Study it turned out Wolves don’t really have Alpha Males or Alpha Females for that Matter. The Truth is it’s ONLY when Combined Different Wolves from Different Families (like in a Zoo for Example) will Fight Over Rank, and even then shit Calms Down once a New Family Structure is Established.” remarked Dizzy, ” My Point being Nerds being Socially awkward is the ENTIRE PREMISS for the fucking Big Bang TV Show, its become an ACCEPTED Sect of Society. I mean even the fucking Fashion World the Ones Who especially attacked Nerds over Their Fashion Choices has done a fucking 180, and is Now Embracing Nerds with that Nerd Chic Happy Horseshit.”

“Well some Cliches are Cliches because They’re Real, and this is a Perfect Example of That. The Cliche that applies to this Situation is If The System Fails You Then You Make Your OWN System I suppose.” Lee said earnestly as the Two of Them stopped Briefly to Buy a Couple of Hot-dogs and Beers from a Hot Dog Cart that was in Route.

“True so since Nerds truly Only feel Comfortable and at Ease around or with Other Nerds This Collective of Tech Nerds created a System that suited Them Perfectly. Uber started the the Public Taxi Trend if You will, but then it was Reported Uber shits on Their Drivers Like Pigeons on a Freshly Washed Car. Then Lift showed up and Stole Uber’s Business Model, and Got Known for being Very Cool to THEIR Drivers. Same Shit Different fucking Day.” Dizzy snarled through Bites of Hotdog and Sips of Beer.

“I hear You. I had some Asshole ask Me in all fucking earnest What the hell a My Space Page fucking was. I told the Fuck it was the Original Social Media Platform that FaceBook Stole for Theirs. Now FaceBook is Corrupt as Shit, Greedy as Hell, User Exploiting, Lying, Scheming, Billion Dollars Business, BUT it’s ass Addictive as Pain Killers. Fucking Facebook is the New Opium of the Masses They Know its fucked up as all get out, yet They can’t Stop Using It to save Their fucking Life.” responded Lee with the Greatest Disgust as Lee Personally Hated the Fuck outta FaceBook.

That’s All For Now, and Be Sure To Check Out Next Week’s Awe Inspiring Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (35/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober (12:02 am)