Tag: Observational Humor

“I’m Missing Two Legs.”

The other night on the way home from the grocery store (where My Wife and I had gone specifically to get shit for dinner) got lazy and went the Fast Food Route. We opted for Fried Chicken.

We pulled up to the Drive Thru Menu, and the Drive Thru Girl did the whole whole Hey how the hell are you, How’s the kids, Welcome to this Fast Food joint, and What do you want today bullshit.

We told her that we would like an 8 piece Dinner. The Girl mumbled something I really have no fucking clue what the hell she actually said. Now We could hear all the back round noise of the kitchen and shit so we couldn’t figure out who exactly the Girl was talking to us or a fellow employee. It was quite unclear.

We waited a minute or two and then repeated the original order. The reply we got from the Drive Thru Girl was this one statement:

“I’m missing two legs.”

My Wife and I had no idea what to make of this so my wife asked her to repeat what she had said and again it was “I’m missing two legs.”

 

This miscommunication goes on for just shy of 5 minutes where My Wife keeps attempting to clarify what the fuck this statement turned mantra was all about. The Entire time all the Girl said was I’m missing two legs.”

I was sitting there just as puzzled as my Wife and I started to wonder myself what the whole two legs statement means since the problem was we were missing any and all context.

I began thinking is this Girl handicapped and really wants me to know it for some bizarre reason? Did she just kill her Manager, dismember the Corpse, and now realized as she is bagging up the body that the legs are missing? Did she just suddenly look down and her fucking legs were missing? Was she an Amputee who had misplaced her prosthetic legs at work while sitting and working the Drive Thu?

In the end the explanation is more than anti-climactic.

What the Girl was trying in her own absurd way was this:

By “I” was We as in The Restaurant itself.

By “Missing” She meant Out Of

And By Legs she meant Drumsticks.

so “I’m missing two legs.” translated into “We (the Restaurant) are Out of Drumsticks, Can We make a substitution for you?”

She was also referencing that an 8 piece bucket of said Fried Chicken contains 2 Breasts, 2 Thighs, 2 Wings, and 2 Legs. Which when I thought about it made perfect sense.

What? Oh I know what your thinking and Your thinking well Duh no shit Sherlock.

Well as basic the answer is I had never spent any time (not a single second of my many, many years on this planet) contemplating the exact contents of a 8 piece bucket of Fried fucking Chicken, and the ratio of the various  Chicken’s Parts.

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober

The Cell Phone Show Down

One night after having a few beers I decided to call up my Brother in Law who I hadn’t spoken with in some time. Now I had several phone numbers for my Brother in Law since he was a rather active guy shall we say.

Anyway I called the primary number that I had been able to reach him on only to discover it had been Recycled, and now it had be assigned to some unknown random woman. I hung up as soon as I  heard the voicemail thinking that was rather strange. Had my Brother in Law ditched one number, but hadn’t given (to my knowledge) a new number to anyone?! My Brother in Law is also know for his extreme impulsiveness so I had to also wonder if there was a scheme afoot.

Well just a minute or two after I attempted to call my Brother in Law my phone’s text alert went off. I picked it up to check the new text it without looking to see who the fuck was actually texting me.

This is where the Shitnado of Absurdity started and would go on to span a couple of hours.

I checked my phone to find it was some fucking Guy texting who I had no fucking clue who the hell he was. I was pondering what the fuck was going on. Well it didn’t take long to find out.

This was in fact the Boyfriend of the nameless, faceless, unknown Woman who was now in possession of my Brother in Law’s old Cell Number. And just my fucking luck he’s one of those Overtly Paranoid Untrusting Jealous Controlling Assholes.

Now I’m going to take a minute to address this type of fucking Guy. I have no fucking clue whatsofuckingever why a Woman would date nor stay with this type of Guy.

This is the sneaky son of a bitch that checks his girl friends phone every chance he gets behind her back.

This is the kind of Shit that thinks every other guy at the Bar is eyeballing his girlfriend, and more often than not it leads to a drunken jealousy fueled fight. And more times than not its also where the asshole boyfriend gets his teeth kicked in.

This is the type of Scumbag that tries or succeededs in controlling his girlfriend’s make up, clothing, and friends through bullshit manipulation.

This is the kind of prick that thinks every one of his girlfriends coworkers is hitting on her daily, and spends his whole day keeping tabs on his girlfriend like a fucking Stalker.

Essentially these type of Guy’s are SO FUCKING INSECURE that it breeds this paranoia of losing said girlfriend causing the said boyfriend to rashly assume that anything with a penis wants to bang his girlfriend, AND/OR he’s afraid she actually doesn’t care for him that much (in this case the jealous Guy is EXTREMELY CLINGY I’m talking about that “You’re Suffocating Me” type shit) and will dump him in an instant.

Granted Clingy sucks to no fucking end BUT its the lesser of 2 evils. Having a Jealous, paranoid, and controlling boyfriend (trying to dictate every aspect of his girlfriend’s fucking life like she’s a fucking slave) SUCKS WORSE.

Now back to our story already in progress…….

So His initial Texts where: Wanting to know who I was, Why was I calling, and that this was his girlfriends phone.

In return I Texted: You texted me so who are you, I told him I was trying touch with my Brother in Law, and got his girlfriends voice fucking mail by accident.

After that he starts acting like the tool that he is. He sends me a screen shot of his girlfriends recent call list with my number highlighted. Now I never denied calling because I did, BUT I had no idea the number  had been Recycled to some fucking girl.

Being a Jealous Boyfriend the asshole said he didn’t buy it, and I better stay away from his girlfriend. I could just see this fuck on the other end of the line so to speak standing all tall, puffing out his chest for all its fucking worth, Glaring like a angry drunk hawk, and pacing frantically periodically looking out the windows as he passes for some threat thats not fucking there.

I basically didn’t give a rats ass from the beginning and couldn’t help thinking how many people have accidentally texted or called this girl only to have to deal with her dick of a boyfriend (bitchfriend is more like it.) At this point I really didn’t give a good goddamn about this overly jealous, insecure piece of human shit. I thusly ended the whole bullshit exchange with the alright my fucking bad whatever I deleted the number since its obviously no use to me. And that was that. Well for a few brief minutes anyway.

I decided that if the primary cell number that I called my Brother in Law on was Recycled then what about the secondary number I had. Me being Me and rather drunk came to the conclusion the best thing to do is call it, and find out if the number worked, was Recycled or possibly disconnected.

As it turned out that my Brother in Law’s alternate phone number had also been Recycled again I got some random girls voicemail. I hung up immediately and deleted the number figuring this situation was rather fucked up. LOW AND FUCKING BEHOLD this number too had been Recycled to the same previous asshole. Why the hell did his girlfriend apparently have come into possession of BOTH fucking numbers was baffling as hell.

Needless to say this set the little motherfucker off like a fucking rocket. This time around the little punk ass had the artificial confidence to call me up this time to chat about what the fuck was going on. As I stated I had no fucking idea, and couldn’t get over how utterly moronic this shit was. And now this paranoid and jealous little twat of a boyfriend thinks for sure that I’m scamming on his girlfriend.

The first idea that came to my mind on how to handle this horeshit was the old make him think your fucking insane, some real sick fuck that cuts off people’s heads and wears them as a fucking hat type of a Murderous Madman a real life Slasher Movie. Then I thought how cliche that shit was and opted for a new idea. The new idea turned out to be making this little turd think HE’S THE ONE WHO’S SANITY IS SLIPPING essentially flip flopping the original idea/concept.

This is how it all went down in operation “Its Not Me Who’s Crazy, Thats YOU”.  For his part this Jack Ass spewed the normal line of macho bullshit cliques (doing his damnedest to make me think he was 10 feet tall and fucking bullet proof) like Propaganda for Pricks. It was SUCH OVERKILL the Guy was trying WAAAAY TOO Hard to be the almighty Alfa. What an Asshole.

In reality I imagine this little bitch was about 5 feet nothing, weighed about 90 pounds soaking fucking wet, Whiny, All Bark and NO BITE like a Tiny Toy Chihuahua. You’ve heard this shit before and I for one from what I have seen of the World am inclined to agree. Real Tough Guy/ Bad Asses DON’T WASTE THEIR TIME YELLING ABOUT IT WHILE HURLING THREATS AND INSULTS. They know they can kick the shit out of pretty much anyone so there is no reason for them to try and impress people.

I didn’t really have a set plan per say I just ad-libbed and then went from there. It started by me repeatedly telling him that the phone he is calling is STRICTLY a Business Phone. After a while of that I added that ONLY AUTHORIZED People have access to this phone. Again taking a few minutes to repeat this as much as possible BECAUSE its all about REPETITION, REPETITION, REPETITION.

Now before anyone feels the need to point this out theres no need. What I’m talking about is this I DID SWITCH my original story. Originally I told this Putts I accidentally called which was the truth, BUT to aid in my new game of “Who’s Crazy Now” as it were I SWITCHED my stance to I DIDN’T call you. Why you ask?! Well its simply because I needed to switch to keep the game going is all.

At this point the Butthead Boyfriend is getting confused. He can’t figure out why I’m not acting like an asshole too and yelling a bunch of bullshit trying to out macho his punk ass. He also is beginning to lock on the whole Business Phone Story which only serves to increase his confusion. So now he’s running out of steam having screamed himself fucking silly.

This is where I ramp things up. I start speaking in a aggressively Authoritarian Voice like a Law Enforcement does for example. I am now speaking to him like he’s a irritating child that got caught red handed doing some shit they shouldn’t. Some would call it ‘Talking Down” or “Being Condescending” and I would agree with both summations.

I start to shove the I didn’t call you from this phone which so happens to be a highly restricted Business Phone of some unknown sort. I start hammering the little Snot with the line “NO ONE is Authorized to make PERSONAL CALLS on THIS PHONE”

He has no clue now what the fuck is happening, he’s been so thrown off his macho bullshit ranting that he’s begging to flounder. The tables were starting to turn.

I then launched into “I DON’T KNOW who called you from this phone, But if we find out who they are they will be SEVERELY REPRIMANDED for their egregious actions.”

I’m now employing more militant or governmental type of speaking. This poor bastard now was beginning to get nervous that HE was in some sort of Danger. I then just unleashed like a Monumental Shitacane. I informed him that We had no clue who the fuck was violating a strict no personal phone calls from our exclusive Business Only phone. We would find out who called his girlfriends phone hell or high water. That NO ONE was Authorized to use this phone without selectively been given clearance. I went on to say I didn’t appreciate him being difficult and he should reconsider his behavior. I told him then to just drop his despicable attitude because it wouldn’t help him in the long run. This conversation was in fact being recorded (without a reason why given). He’s wasting my time with this trivial nonsense was not a wise decision.

The sad little fucker now is in a state of shock, confusion, and paranoia with good reason. Without acting like a typical macho male Jersey Shore Shithead he had no idea how to deal with the situation, and now had lost any and all control of the phone call. He was left wondering if I was somehow a Cop or Law Enforcement Agent, A Member of Biker Club, Political Group, Religious Group, A Governmental Agency, The Masons or possibly a Militia of some kind. There was no actual context so he became pledged by self doubt, and then had a mental melt down.

Seeing that the game had run its course and getting bored with the whole ordeal decided to end this shit circus once and for all. I told the little Pisser that enough was enough. This conversation was now over. Whoever called his girlfriend had violated Authorization of a Business Phone, and would not call back ever. They would be facing Strict Punishment. He then mumbled some garbage I assume was a last pitiful attempt at being a Big Man I mean his brain was fucking soup at this point the poor son of a bitch.

I then lastly took the time to inform him that if he called back he would be in direct violation of our mutual Cease and Desist agreement (which I made up right then and there there was no agreement of any fucking kind), and We would be keeping tabs on him in the future (thus playing into the paranoia of being watched and possibly  being in or getting into trouble in the future.)

To This day I have never spoke with that little Dimwitted Douche again. I do ponder from time to time when I have a free moment to think (like when I’m eating or taking a leak) what the fuck did he tell his girlfriend happened that night or did he just not mention it at all because he still had no idea wtf was going on. Either which way heres looking at you ASSHOLE.

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober 

Conflicting Karma Continues

As some Reader’s may be aware July was a real fucker, but for those who don’t heres a quick summation.

My 10 year old plus Vehicle took a huge shit returning from a rather kick ass road trip. It was asshole of an Alternator so. Next day the Check Transmission light came on, after a waste of my time transmission was fixed. That didn’t happen, a part within the transmission “blew” (the Transmission Guy’s words interpret as you will), and We had to cancel a Birthday Road trip for my Wife.l. Thank Fuck for WARRANTIES! All good Now.

Meanwhile my Wife’s  10 year old Car was at the point where We weren’t going to put another fucking nickel into it. It be an utter waste to invest anymore money in a car that was showing its age, had some minor issues, and some mysterious electrical problem (Toyota Dealer Mechanics couldn’t figure out what exactly it was). We went online like assholes and discovered the electrical issues more than likely was the for warning of a Failing Fuel Pump. The Fuel Pump would cost $1,800 alone so it be $2,000 and change by the end of it for Labor, Taxes, and extraneous bullshit.

So my Wife felt unsafe driving her car anymore so it was the next step is trade this thing in before it takes a total shit on us leaving us out one car. It sucked like nothing else on this planet, it is a truly unique suck. Overtime you had to turn her car on you prayed it fucking start, and then while your driving the son of a bitch you were praying it wouldn’t break down for the last fucking time.

After We had to cancel my Wife’s awesome Birthday Road Trip do to emergency transmission issue reoccurrence. Luckily my Wife had already jumped on the new car train and thoroughly researched various cars she was interested in. And since she knew what she had a top 5 list we decided to check out Dealerships that had one, some or all of the her said choices.

Now to get to any actual real Dealership (Podunk Mitch’s Auto Super Sales holds no water whatsoever.) were all an hour away in the Shitty City. So off we went to check out some possible options for a new car for My Wife. The road to the Shitty City sucks King Kong Cock to drive on. Its currently 2 lanes of heavy traffic bumper to pumper type shit, but they are also doing what seems to be a 1,000 year construction project. This apparently never ending road work requires a wall of cement barricades be lined up like a poor man’s Great Wall preventing all traffic from turning right even say in an emergency attempt to avoid being hit by some jack ass driver.

With that fucking said about half way down the road to the Shitty City to go car shop for my Wife we were spectacularly hit by one of those previously mentioned Jack Ass Drivers.

As We were driving in the left lane next to the cement barriers that went on for fucking miles upon miles when I hear my Wife say something. Now it was;t what she said that got my attention it was the tone of voice she was using. It was the “Oh fuck this shit isn’t gonna be good” type of tone. So I looked over to see her looking over right before the Jack Ass Driver took the fucking rearview mirror of in an explosive fashion.

The Jack Ass Driver pulled into the median and we followed suit. For obvious safety reasons I exited through the Drivers Door to avoid the very real risk of getting plastered by any one of the millfucktillion speeding motherfuckers.

When my Wife got out god bless her she was rattled as the Snake, but overtly concerned about the overall well being of the Jack Ass that just side wiped the holy hell out of us. I scramble out of the drivers side like a baby calf being born and immediately go fucking Nuclear. I started screaming “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”, “FUCK WHERE YOU DOING?!!”, and “YOU TOTALLY FUCKED UP OUR CAR WHAT THE FUCK?!”

It turned out the Jack Ass Driver was in fact a young girl about or around 17 or 18 who was driving her father’s fucking massive SUV so there was no damage to her vehicle not a single fucking scratch. She was quite upset as this was her first accident ever apparently.

Now this wasn’t my first accident by far, but man it was a doozy. The Girl had first hit the Drivers side rear quarter panel. Then her dad’s SUV scrapped across the rear driver’s side door shredding the god living shit out of it. Next the same deal with the driver’s door, and ending with the rearview mirror being completely amputated.

I contacted our insurance people, My Wife called the Cops, and the Girl was Calling Her Parents then Insurance company.

All the while all I could think was that while I did under  my anger I did feel bad for this girl it was totally fucked how different our realities were. For her she would return home shaken but safe, possibly have to pay her Dad back for the fucking hefty ticket, and perhaps lose her driving privileges for I dunno couple weeks to a month?!

Meanwhile for my Wife and I it meant whole lot more. It meant that this crappy kid driver (who was fucking with her phone more than not) had absolutely fucked us out of the last thing we had going (the trade in value) in the “Battle of the Old Ass Cars” because we could live without one, BUT that meant we still needed one safe and reliable car for work to pay the fucking bills.

We then spent the next fucking hour or so baking in the median while again trying not to get fucking killed by the mad ass drivers on the highway. Finally a fucking Cop shows the hell up. This dick gets both my Wife’s and the Girls licenses and announces we’re going to drive to the next exit to a gas station (if you decided not to show he had all the info needed to issue a warrant mind you), and sort things out because and I quote ‘We don’t want to get killed out here.” Now while that makes perfect fucking sense the reality of it is He knew it was dangerous. YET he had no fucking issue leaving us stranded out there for an hour. Fucking Cops.

We drove to the gas station where the Cop ticketed the Girl, the Girl’s goddamn parents show up, My Wife is way too nice, I continued  aggressively venting about how fucked up all this fucked up shit is, and we all went our separate ways.

In the End: We got my Wife a fucking AWESOME NEW CAR the next day, and (My Vehicle has remained issue free as well) thanks to the accident the Girl’s insurance cut us a check for couple thousand and change (plus we did manage to get some cash for the trade in but it barely beat the Junk Yard) so we end up coming out ahead. Can’t argue when life throws you a bone rather than a bastard.

Thanks for Reading, Les Sober.

(P.S. THIS IS THE LAST POST ABOUT FUCKING CARS.)

Animals, Man, and His Ego

Lets face it at best Man is nothing more than a hairless talking monkey with thumbs, and at worst Man is an Animal thus He has the capability of being a Beast. And since Man started walking upright He has come to assume that Mankind has control or jurisdiction over all other living life forms on Earth. I think the Band Fishbone had it write when they said “Give a Monkey a Brain and He’ll swear He’s the Center of the Universe.”

To illustrate My point I will use the following Animals as Examples of the overwhelming ego of Man. The example Animals will be Wolves, Elephants, Orca’s, and Chimpanzees. So without further ado lets get this shit started.

One of the BIGGEST MISCONCEPTIONS is Wolves being the Ancestor’s of Domesticated Dogs can be kept like a Dog as a Pet. Even if a Person was to take in and care for a Wolf Pup moments after it was born, fed it, cared for it, Kept it healthy, and tried to train it like a dog (Do your business outside, Sit, Stay, Some etc) it wouldn’t mean nor change a damn thing. Wolves are WILD ANIMALS and they ALWAYS WILL BE NO MATTER WHAT MAN TRIES TO MAKE IT OTHERWISE.

You see some fucking jerk off thought they were a genius by having the hypothesis that if you bred a Wolf with a Large Domesticated Dog breed (like lets say a German Shepherd) then you could domesticate it as half of its DNA is from a domesticated Dog. IT FAILED HORRIBLY. Wolf Hybrids were so dangerous that at this point and time almost every state (accept for a few shit states like South Dakota) are totally Illegal and are Euthanized Immediately. The issue again was even if a Wolf was bred with a Domesticated Dog the wild Wolf in it would win out every time.

The Next Animal is the Majestic Elephant. True Elephants have been utilized by man for travel purposes as well as for Labor, but when Man decided to poach Elephants for the sole purpose of entertainment in Circuses it was going way too far.

Kept in cages, often Beaten while being trained to preform asinine tricks, abused (shitty food/healthcare), and are paraded around a ring for what would be the rest of their natural lives Elephants started to snap. We have all heard stories or at least a story about a Circus Elephant going “Batshit” trashing the Circus Tent, possibly injuring or killing any audience members or staff, and rampage down the street general fucking everything up it comes in contact with. People act all surprised by this, but if you were kidnapped, enslaved, and mistreated wouldn’t you want to make a break for freedom?

Appropriately the next Animals on the list are also Paraded around in Circuses and Imprisoned in Zoo’s all for the sole entertainment of Man, and these Animals are Big Cats such as Lions and Tigers. Big Cats are dangerous everyone agrees, BUT Animal Trainers over time let their guard down as they become more and more comfortable working with Big Cats over the Years. Also the Animal Trainer started to get severely over confident to the point of being cocky (I’m a Man and thus I’m the Master)

A perfect and rather tragic example of why no one should Train/Work With Big Cats are the Magicians Siegfried and Roy. Siegfried and Roy were/are the most famous and well know duo who put on Las Vegas Style Shows using Lions and Tigers. They also interacted with the lions/Tigers at home outside of work playing with them and socializing them (getting them used to people)

Siegfried and Roy made millions and traveled the globe for DECADES with their Tigers putting on countless shows that was until the inevitable happened. One day like any other in 2003 when one of the Duo’s Tiger’s who had preformed in hundreds of shows attacked Roy grabbing him around the throat triggering a stroke. Roy lived (now wheelchair bound) but his career was over, and since the attack Roy has become a Recluse virtually never leaving the two’s 100 acre compound.

Though the Duo hoped Roy would one day return to the stage it wasn’t meant to be (due to Roy’s permanent injuries), and in 2010 Siegfried and Roy announced they were Retired for good.

The second to last on My list are Chimpanzees. Since the invention of the Movie Camera (and then subsequently Television as well as The Internet) it seems people have been even more fascinated by Chimpanzees. Chimpanzee were cute, could be dressed like people, intelligent, Social, cute like a Baby, could preform trick/tasks, and even if you don’t believe in evolution the Chimpanzee’s close similarity to Humans made them endearing to the American public.

Now with all the Movies/TV Shows etc. have led people (including those few who have them as pets) to assume Chimpanzees might be a handful, but they don’t pose a threat or risk. This couldn’t be farther from the truth. While their cute and cuddly when young once a Chimpanzee hits Sexual Maturity (or puberty as we humans call it) their entire personality changes. The hormones are raging drawing out Chimpanzee’s wild instincts making them destructive, Territorial, and uncontrollable.

The most egregious mistake people make with Chimpanzees they forget how strong they actually are. Now no one would fuck with a Gorilla because those massive motherfuckers could snap a grown man in two with ease. And though Chimpanzees are smaller than humans makes them quite deceptive when it comes to their strength. A Chimpanzee is 5 to 6 times stronger than a fully grown adult Male. So imagine getting in a fist fight and your opponent is as strong as 5 to 6 men combined.

A horrific example of this was in a story a few years back now. A woman had a Chimpanzee as a pet for many years without issue. Her friend came to visit her one afternoon, and they Chimpanzee savagely attacked biting her face. The Woman lived but was permanently disfigured and disabled by the attack. The Chimp torn off her ears, bit off her nose, and blinded the poor woman among other things during the brutal attack.

Now last but not least lets talk Orca’s. Orca’s are commonly know to the American Public as Killer Whales like Sea World’s Shamu. Shame was an American Icon drawing thousands over the years to Sea World where they could see Shamu preform, and there was TONS of merchandise. Shamu has attacked (and killed a couple) of various Sea World Trainers. Shamu’s legacy of attacking Trainers is blurry as there have been Several Shamu’s over the Years (the 1st Shamu was a wild caught Female who died in 1971) just like a parent who’s child’s pet dies and they buy a look-a-like replacement.

The only point I’d like to make is this ITS A FUCKING KILLER WHALE, KILLER is literally in its name. So why the fuck do people get so shocked when a KILLER WHALE attacks, its like being utterly surprised that a Serial Killer Kills. Not to mention these are WHALES not fucking Gold Fish, you can’t poach a Orca from the wild (a practice that has been out lawed) or breed them in private programs you can’t actually expect a creature that big will be happy living in a sparse oversized Fish Bowl Aquarium?!

Bottom line: Man is an Animalistic Beast No Matter what His Ego Tells Him.

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober 

A Peak Behind a Particular Pet Store’s Policy

It was a couple of years ago at this point that I walked into a particular Pet Store which I’d love to call out, and name said Pet Store but I won’t. Why You ask? The answer is I don’t want to run ANY RISK of some asshole reading this, and narcing Me out so then I get sued by this Pet Store for Slander/Defamation of Character.

Anyways I walked into this Pet Store because My Ball Python (Monty and if you get the reference give yourself a pat on the back. The Pet Store had one annoying issue which was even though they didn’t/don’t work on commission get right up in your fucking face like some possessed Used Car Salesman soon as you set a single foot on the floor.

This Employee (who I wouldn’t name here either, but I honestly have no idea what his actual name was/is) was a Assistant Manager or perhaps an actual Manager. He of course came striding up to me with a greasy fake smile that made him look like a fucking Child Molester on Meth and asked Me what I was looking for. I told Manny I was there for a couple of Mice, and Manny cut Me off at the knees. As soon as I said Mice I was going to get the fucking whole rigamarole about being a Snake Owner. What I mean by that is Manny cut me off to ask if the Mice were for Pets or Food and I of course said food.

At this time Pet Stores were considering what to do about the growing Public Opinion on the subject of Reptile Owners feeding live Rodents to their Pets. I won’t take but a moment to address this happy load of Horseshit. First off REPTILES EAT RODENTS, its a fucking FACT OF NATURE. You don’t fault a Nile Crocodile for killing a fucking Wilda Beast do you?!

Second as I wrote PREVIOUSLY there are Dead Frozen Rodents for sale (a half assed attempt to solve the growing tension as Reptile Owners prepared to go head to head and toe for toe with the General Public over the issue) BUT it requires all kinds of nasty prep work because they Reptile will only eat its Prey if its either alive or has just died mere moments ago. You won’t  find a Zoo Staff feeding Frozen TV fucking Diners to their Lions and  other Big Cats housed there would you?!! If you don’t get what I’m saying here just think about it for a few minutes.

Instead of acting like a self righteous, judgmental piece of ignorant shit in gauged Me in a conversation pertaining sole to My wanting Live Mice to feed a hungry snake. It is pertinent that I mention here for those of you who aren’t aware Male Rats / Male Mice fight constantly which results in serious injuries, I mean think about how sharp their teeth are (not to mention they also have 5 sets of claws so having those are well handy in a fight.) Manny went on to mention that they had the issue with their Stock of Mice/Rats.

See No Pet Store is going to pay a $40-$60 for an initial Vets Visit for a $1.99 Mouse or $4.99 Rat. They also aren’t going to have their employees medicating the injured Rodents with liquid Antibiotics for 7-14 days while applying Topical Ointment. Now on the other hand they also can’t sell the injured Rodents because No One would buy one, No One wants damaged goods. So what can They do about it. At this point in time One Major Pet Store Chain Stopped carrying Live Rodents altogether while another simply decided not to sell Male Rodents as their the aggressive sex. Yet that is Now and this was back When.

Manny continued on to tell me that the Pet Store would be willing to sell Me the injured Mice at a Discount because as far as the business was concerned some money beats no money, but it had to be on the Down Low as the Pet Store didn’t want to upset the General Public. Manny went on to mention that this Pet Store’s policy was if they couldn’t unload them at a discount to Reptile Pet Owner’s they would crate them back up and send them to be Euthanized I’m sure they got a deal for bulk.

I took Manny up on the Back Door Deal of unloading injured Mice for profit and promptly left. I returned a few weeks later again in need of a few Live Mice to feed My Snake (well one of them, it was the Ball Python again as it were.) ,and because of the semi shady grey area the Pet Store was operating in I asked for Manny much like meeting your Pot Dealer at their place of employment. Turned out that Manny wasn’t working that day so another Employee asked how they could help me? Not wanting to possibly get into a heated confrontation with this Employee on the subject of feeding Reptiles Live Rodents (or Prey Animals) I figured fuck it and just went for it.

I told the Employee about My previous arrangement with Manny and it went over like a Pregnant Nun in Church as some would say.They Employee was first and foremost on of those impractical Anti-Live Feed People so that was no help. Second while the grimace on her fucking face showed her disgust for Reptile Owners on the issue of Live-Feed her eyes where busy narcing her out. Her eyes told Me that she damn well knew about the injured Rodent Unofficial Policy, BUT she also knew it was her job to totally deny it. And thats exactly what she did she feigned Shock and Disbelief at what I had said, and then informed no such policy existed (and if Manny did make a deal he was acting on his own, an employee gone rouge if you will.)

I respond by tell the Employee that I didn’t believe a fucking thing she said, and that as far as her personal views on Live Feeding that she needs to keep them to her fucking self (at least while on the job AT A FUCKING PET STORE LIKE AN ASSHOLE) I then told her the issue was far from fucking over and left.

If your pissed I didn’t name this Pet Store I can tell you this. This National Pet Store Chain’s Name STARTS WITH PET and ends in Well you can figure it out based on that I’m sure (or damn well close enough.)

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober 

Flags, Days, and Ideas

So I do not have any idea how I came across this little tidbit I thought I would share. I find most things on the internet in a very random fashion. I think I was looking up British things, or British slang, or British boys, or text messaging abbreviations or what not.

Well actually it probably was something more like looked at a porn. The guys name was chris. Looked up christmas next. Singing christmas carols to myself. What holiday is today? That timeline is a bit too structure though. Probably was more like hearing lyrics in a song which brought up a random emotion I had to look into.

Law Day????

So yes Happy Law Day! Oh and loyalty day as well. Both holidays which were put into place by President Eisenhower. While the rest of the world has festivities to celebrate International Labour Day, we have Law Day.

Apparantly our president thought that these holidays were communist in nature. The exact reasoning behind this I have no idea, however this is from the party that brought us Freedom Fries, global hatred, and the great depression. So why not try to make us different from the rest of the world??

I mean if we want to get really conservative about things maybe then we shouldn’t really be allies with England. I mean you know we did war against them in the 18th century.

Or maybe we should reverse Jim Crow or teach more intolerance to our children under the guise of religion.

Loyalty Day????

As for Loyality Day, I have nothing against this one. If it means pledge of allegiances to the flag 100 times while standing on one’s head by all means do it.

However I think this holiday is rather dumb and repetitive. Shouldn’t we be loyal everyday of the year? I mean it falls along the same lines as Mother’s Day for me. I cherish and love my mother dearly but do I really need a special day set aside for me by Hallmark to buy her a card and some flowers???? I think it just gives stupid people a reason to be an ass 364 days of the year and then suddenly swoop down in their blazes of glory like some great big hero.

Yeah, hero of the douchebags.

Recommendations

So as my recommendations for this day, there are several. First, if you think the rest of the world is wrong and that today is a communist holiday by all means bust out your law books, dress like that annoying guy in the informecials with the flag shirt on, buy some whiskey, get a mullet, and start a random witch hunt.

However if you think the rest of the world is not wrong, formulate your own minor protest along with me. Break a law. Yes! Break a law!

Please do not break a major law. I don’t need to hear on the 6 o’clock news how some moron with an IQ of 80 raped a pig to teach them a lesson about the swine flu or how some dillweed was told to break the law and decided to piss in the middle of a supermarket (but in the Depends section, I mean that the responsible thing to do).

Minor, minor, minor. Roll through a stop sign going 5. Eat one too many grapes at the grocery store (however many that is). Play your music too loud in the car. Or any other law you deem to be completely stupid that will not get you jail time or a fine.

If you lack the capacity to do this it is okay. But if you do something silly and agree with me that the rest of the world is not celebrating a communist holiday, by all means post your mini infraction here.

I plan to play my music too loud and smoke cigarettes in the car in a town where it is considered illegal to smoke in the car!!! Oh no.

By SpaceDog  

A Year in The Podunk Press

We decided to relocate to the Southern Country just in time for their busiest year in News for Decades. See nothing note worthy happens around here News wise though Gossip runs rampant like a fucking Plague. The usual News are Hunting/Fishing/Camping/Agricultural Articles or Reports, Local Church’s Schedules, Local Government (aka Town Hall Shit), Weddings/Births/Deaths, and Local Events such as Fish Fries and all that sort of shit.

This Year though has been the 100 year acceptation (I think its safe to assume nothing News Worthy has happened here in at least century or so.) It just goes to show you even in the middle the No Where Woods the clique clique Shit Happens proves to be true. Here’s The Run Down for the Last Year here in Podunktoria (Population Few Hundred):

Three Idiot Burglars and Arson. Three Local Guys planned and executed the robbery of several local stores at 4 am Wednesday night. The Stores where located next door to each other Row Home Style. After loading up their car Two of the men fled on foot into the dark of night. The Third Guy was the designated Get Away. Now here is where things go complete wrong for our remaining Felon. Apparently the Burglars had cased the stores, and planed the robbery for a hour the damn well knew NO BODY would be on the road or around.

The one thing these three idiots didn’t do was monitor the Police activity. Granted theres not a whole hell of a lot of Police Activity (Our town has 2 and We have Guns because of it, and the Neighboring Town has 3 Full Time Cops and 2 Part Time Police Officers), but there is some. So since someone forgot to do their criminal homework there was actually a Local Cop on Patrol that was driving by right after the Robbery accrued.

Now this shit makes NO SENSE. The Get Away Driver does something completely unnecessary and utterly moronic. He gets in the Get Away Car after setting a fire to eradicate any evidence, reeves up the engine, put the Peddle to the Metal, and sped down the Ally way to Main Street. Then this Ignoramus pulls out onto Main Street full fucking speed Hell or High Water. Thats when the Get Away Driver almost T-Bones the Cop on Patrol. Well The Robber punches it and the chase is on. The chase ended the the Get Away Drivers Car got away from him on these pitch black and winding country roads, and crashed into a drainage ditch. This Robbery/Arson is in this small town these were 3 a a very few Stores/Shops that were open and doing daily business. On top of that there was a shit ton of cool antique shit stored on the 2nd floor of the three buildings such as a Model T with all its original parts, and a 1920’s large oak Bar to name a few.

The Get Away Driver was taken to a near by Hospital where he was interrogated by the Police before giving up his accomplices names. He’s partners in crime where both arrested immediately at their respective residences. The Clique that proved true for these 3 would be Robbers that “There is NO Honor among Thieves”

2. The Chicken Farm Fire. A Massive local Commercial Chicken Farm had several buildings and Pens that weren’t currently being used because the County Officers had shut them down for Outdated/Unsafe Electrical Wiring. Finally after stalling for years The Chicken Farm was in the very begging stages of replacing said shitty electrical wiring when Fate’s Clock ran out. Apparently some of the faulty wiring sparked and ignited a fire. Now the Pens/Building in question where old and weathered, the wood that comprised said structures was drier than Death Valley and went up like a Bon Fire run amok. Before any could do a damn thing the Fire speed like hot butter on toast. The Fire took hours to get under control and the fire has been ruled “Accidental”. The Chicken Farm is in the process of rebuilding their lost facilities.

3. This just happened last month that being The Metal Recycling Plant Fire. The Local Metal Recycling and Car Crashing Plant became part of a Hazardous Container Disposal Program. This dictated anyone with empty containers with toxic chemical residue could drive to the Plant and drop off the empty containers. Now apparently there is no sorting or separating of these Chemical Containers their just all lumped together in a rather large collecting Bin. In school science was my strong suit and neither was Chemistry, BUT even I know mixing Chemicals can be dangerous/hazardous. Well some of the various residues leaked out of the containers and combusted into a fabulous inferno in no time flat. When the local Fire Departments arrived there was little they could do accept keep the fire from spreading outside the perimeter of the Plant. It took 4 days until the Fire burned itself out. The Metal Recycling Plant is in the process of rebuilding. There is still lingering concern about the possible health risks posed to residents from the Smoke from the Chemical Induced Fire.

4. THE BODY IN THE LAKE. I know even I’m fucking relieved this one has nothing to do with fucking Fire. This happened literally down the street and around the corner from our current Offices. Last Wednesday around 5 pm a concerned Citizen phoned the Local Police because he was concerned there was a Body floating in the lake. The Police showed up along with EMT’s and the Fire Department and shut the road down near a favorite fishing spot along the Lake’s banks. After searching for quite a while they located the body. Up till now the only details the Police have released are the Body was a Unknown Clothed Male. I found that funny as usually these sort of details are Sex, Race, and Approximate Age. Since then all the Police have said is that they were waiting for an autopsy to establish cause of death and the identity of the deceased. The Locals speculated it was either a boating fatality, accidental drowning as in perhaps the man had a seizure/heart attack or the like and fell overboard.

That was until today. Today the Police released the following information The Identity of the Deceased, and the cause of death had been reported by the Coroner as Murder. The Police are looking for a suspect.

Well Thats a Years worth of News from a tiny town in The No Names Woods.

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober 

Life Imitates Art as Art Imitates Life Part 1: Tesla, Edison, and Electricity

I decided to write this post because it gave me a chance to address to issues I have issue with per say. While I truly love and respect original talent/material equally despise Trendy Band Wagon Jumpers,  those who have no talent of their own so they rip off those they want to emulate from the News/Social Media. Not only do they steal ideas/concepts they have the fucking balls to strut around patting themselves on the fucking back constantly. These talentless hacks parade around congratulating themselves for producing (and cashing in on because its money/fame these self proclaimed artists are really interested in, the art comes second with these ignorant idiots) shitty wannabe knock offs.

Now on this topic I have 2 separate ( but similar as you will see) issues I want to address so this will be a 2 Part Post.

The First one being Thomas Edison and Nikola Tesla on the subject of Electricity (its not what you think nor would expect, but I digress).

The Second one being Mr. Brainwash/Thierry Guetta and Banksy/ Identity Unknown on the subject of Street Art Then and Now.

Starting with good old Tommy Edison and Nikola Tesla I must get a few things strait. This is NOT  Biographical or a History Lesson. I’m not going to play the good old pissing contest contending the accomplishments or criticisms of each man. I will most definitely not be using this post to indulge the Nerdpocalyptic argument that rages on through the ages in addition to today on who had the better electrical discovery Edison’s DC Current or Tesla’s AC Current. I am not an inventor, scientist nor expert so unlike most fucking people I’m not going to pretend that I know when in reality I don’t.

What I think is utter Horseshit is this. While Edison tooled around with DC Currents and Tesla with AC Currents they’re philosophies on how the benefits of harnessing electricity would affect the American Public. Tesla’s belief was quite simple by harnessing electricity he would create a network that would provide electricity to every home, business, and anywhere it would benefit his fellow man (Example Street Lights, Traffic Lights, Signs, recharging devices etc.) FOR ABSOLUTELY FREE.

The last point is this Tesla was a one man show. True while Tesla had a few assistants through out the years they were nothing more than helping hands in helping Tesla with experiments ALL of the ideas/concepts/beliefs where sold those of Tesla himself. The best comparison I can provide is to the much more recent musician Trent Reznor. Reznor writes all of his “Bands”(Nine Inch Nails or NIN for short) music and lyrics as well as playing all the instruments Himself. When Reznor heads out on tour he hires a back up band because obviously He can’t play live shows all by himself.

Meanwhile as for Thomas Edison….

Edison allegedly invented the light bulb (a fact refuted by the Historians of today who say Edison’s claim is nothing but bravado and bullshit). Now some of our Readers may be confused (or wondering what the point is) as Edison is documented in the Historical Records of Humanity as just that the inventor of the light bulb so? The answer is also my point. Edison HIRED nothing short of an Army of Young Inventors in what were referred to as “Invention Factories” which he had several of in America and in Europe. These Invention Factories where supposed to nurture the Young Inventors and allow them a place to work and thrive a true platform for knowledge.In reality if any of Edison’s EMPLOYEES (because lets face it thats what the were) had a brilliant Idea or Invention Edison would take the idea, and then CLAIM CREDIT FOR IT much like the Light Bulb. The whole fucking set up was a scam set up by Edison to con Young Inventors to benefit his own career. Thats a serious Dick Move.

Now back to the Light Bulb. After claiming to have created the Light Bulb quickly established Edison General Electric which was the first move to Monetize Electricity as a Consumer Commodity. Time passes and a few starter Electric companies throw their hats into the ring for the new and viable Electricity Market. In just 2 short years in 1892 Edison consolidated all of his assorted businesses, and then Merged his consolidated companies with his number one Competitor to form GENERAL ELECTRIC.

The Bottom Line is this 1. Edison was a Hack who stole inventions/Ideas from weak, vulnerable, and Nieve Young Inventors. 2. Overtime you open your Electric Bill and exclaim “Are you serious?!” or ‘What the FUCK?!!!” you can thank Thomas Edison for creating the ELECTRIC BILL when Tesla would have provided the same service(s) TOTALLY FREE.

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober 

The Rule of 3 and How It Used to Be

What the fuck killed customer service I ask you?! It was a sudden death by any means, but a long lingering demise whose death rattle has yet to shake the bed. Its bad enough that now a days they have those goddamn Automated Messages calling to try and sell me shit. Back in the day at least I had some satisfaction at being able to tell an actual human to fuck off. Now what am I supposed to do? Insult the fucking thing by telling it it’s mother is a Tape Recorder that eats 8 track ass? Ok enough of that tangent now back to the point.

When I was growing up a great thing was there was NO Automated Anything, and that includes when one had to call  Customer Service for assistance. Today you have to deal with an Automated System that doesn’t understand what your saying, wastes 20 minutes of your time essentially going “I Don’t Understand” until your fucking insane, and then you get the option to speak to a living human being. Automation Menu’s aren’t the only change to Customer Service by a long shot.

Not only did I not have to deal with Automation Menus when I was younger, but the actual people I talked to were a far cry from the shit you have to deal with today. Back then the Customer Service Representatives damn well knew what Customer Service was. Look granted being in the Customer Service field fucking sucks big time because you have to spend 8 hours listing to people bitch and complain (or worse like curse you out or become insulting), but the fact is there are people who could and would do just that God bless them.

Its no secret that no matter what fucking job you have Cardiologist to Janitor at some point your going to have to Eat Shit (Its the same in  one’s personal life as well). Eating Shit is an unavoidable part of Life, theres nothing you can do about it but o just accept it and go on living for Christ’s Sake. I mean why do you think the saying “Eat Shit” is woven into our modern-day lexicon to begin with (there is also the prevalent saying “Shit Happens” as well don’t forget) It could be argued at this point in time that the phrase Eat Shit is a Lingual Icon. I know this post as stayed a bit here and there, but Sit Happens and if you don’t dig that then Eat Shit.

Now back to the point…..

For all those tuning in late or just skimming this post I’m writing about the difference between Old School Customer Service Vs. The Bullshit Customer Service of Today. As I mentioned at the beginning the first abomination is the Automated System which accomplishes nothing but wasting 20 to 30 minutes of your time as it simultaneously frustrating the Caller to the point of actual insanity. Then once the Caller has run the complete Automated Gauntlet they have the ability to talk to a living person.

The First Customer Service Rep. sounds like fucking Eeyorre the clinically depressed Donkey from Winnie the Pooh. I can picture the fuckers sitting slouched down inter seats, shoulders hunched over, eyes half open staring vacantly at a Computer Screen, just waiting to fucking die right there at work no less. A Caller then has to battle this emotionless and utterly unhelpful Pion’s (who’s more than likely making a noose out of their headset chord to hang themselves from the Florescent Soul Sucking office lights) monotone malarkey before the consent to allowing the Caller to speak to an alternate human being.

The Second Customer Service Rep. is some asshole who sounds like he’s bored out of his fucking mind, despises their job, and seems annoyed that the caller is bothering them. The Caller now must combat this Slacker Mentality while getting next to no where to the point The Caller feels as though they are just torturing themselves, and wonder is this shit worth it?!! If the Caller can get past this Snarky, Snide, and Often rather Rude individual asshole The Caller can advance to the next Customer Rep.

The Third Customer Rep turns out to be a throw back to the Golden Age of Customer Service. These Rep.’s are polite and professional, and this makes them extremely helpful as they can usually solve most problems rather quickly. If there is a larger issue at hand these Rep.’s will stay on the phone doing anything and everything they can until the problem is resolved. And even in the few rarer cases if after doing all they possible can to actually help a Caller they will leave you with a recommendation on how to further proceed because they really do want to help. The Rep.’s are the true blue backbone of the dying Customer Service Field, and Bless these Blissful Beings to the Four Corner’s of the Earth.

My final point is this the Companies that hire the first two types of Customer Service Reps to fucking begin with. Its enough bullshit to endure the Automated Assault, but then to follow it with yet another 2 shit shows. This is why I’m fucking sick of Big Companies/Corporations whining and crying like spoiled brats that there is no more Employee or Customer Loyalty. If you want more motherfucking money PROVIDE BETTER FUCKING CUSTOMER SERVICE, Because Without Customer’s Your No Longer a Business Man Your An UNEMPLOYED ASSHOLE.

Thanks For Reading,

Les Sober  

None Shall Pass: Spacedog’s Cosmic Conditions for Earth Dwellers

Hi all great earth bound brethren.

I’m back from my trip exploring the cosmos. It was mildly amusing I must say, but my mood swings got a bit in the way. What the hell else is new?

I searched many planets for myself. I tasted many foods, I was on many a tour bus, and the initial, “Let me take a picture with an Earthling!” grew tiresome eventually (to say the least).

I even tried to have a relationship with someone from another planet (I promised him I wouldn’t say which) but as he had no insertion points or points to insert we both agreed that me having a life long thing with vibrating Jimmy was not the best for my future sanity.

So I came back to Earth. What wow it has been like 2 weeks I think???? Yeah it’s been for 2 whole weeks since I’ve landed. I am so glad to be back home.

Enough. Enough. Enough. I am done rambling. You can ask me about my trip privately, I’ve been told I must keep things on the d/l for galactic security purposes. So don’t ask anything you wouldn’t ask your mother. Oh fuck like I would do anything your mother would do. Well maybe one or two friends I could get down and party with mama. You bitches know who you are.

I have started to hear my mind whisper to me again. It is really cool. I thought I’d share this because it means I can actually get it on with writing more of a project that is longer. Wait shit I still ramble.

NOW the point of this post..

There are some I have neglected and some I have not. You probably know who you are. There are some who seem to have crawled into their foxholes and can’t send back a text message.

While there are others of you that show up at my doorstep unannounced, unbridled, and unsane. So let me just give you mofos a little disclaimer.

#1 (yes I am making a list twats)- I may occasional enjoy a bit of plumbers crack, but please don’t be comin’ up on my doorstep with your glass dicks and your nicotine hungry mouths looking for handouts. The missionary is closed. I am no saint. I am not your Mother Theresa. I am missionary position.

#2 I don’t want to hear the same story 5000 times!!! If a story is that amusing to me you will hear a little thing called laughter trickle out of my mouth. If you do me real good, you may even get a snort. If you can get a snort out of me while there is beer in my mouth and it comes out the nose, then you are allowed to tell your stupid story again and then while I’m sober I can laugh about how drunk I must have been to have even seemed mildly interested. I am not groundhog day.

#3 I do not have a warrant for my arrest at the present time. If you piss me off to the point of unannouncedness enough I will call the cops. I am Police Academy.

#4- I am in season. If you would like to stop by, you need a guest pass. If you want a season pass, talk to my pimp.

#5- Yes fuchsia is my natural hair color. I go once a year to Japan for them to fix me up so I assimilate into society better.

#6- No I will not go to church with you. Doing so (no matter how badly I want your essence) will cause my bowels to spontaneously reverse. And yes I have been told the story (personally) of what this entails. I can tell you if you make me go to church and I will help you reverse yours if you force me to do so as well.

#7- Yes those that is my natural eye color. Yes when I get super shitfaced, they gradually go from blue to red and green and if you ask me again I am getting brown contact lenses.

#8- If you’ve actually made it this far, good for you, thankfully there are only two more AND you should go outside after you read my rampage. Spring has sprung, try to smell the love in the air (if you aren’t in love go somewhere by yourself to do this…there’s way more bad feelings floating around out there then love)

#9- Okay so now get down on your knees and face lawrenceville new jersey.

#10- FINAL LIQUIDATION- I am liquidizing my body fat and it will be on sale soon on ebay. If you are in need of a few pounds, please let me know and we can make the trade. I am also liquidizing doom, gloom, misery, and old michael bolton/celine deon albums (anyway those I’m actually burning)

Actually this is kinda like 10b- If you would like to be a part in my first annual burning of bad music please get back to me. It doesn’t have to be a burning any form of destruction will do.

Time has had its way.
You have had your say.
Since your purpose in life was my yesterday.

The ship has pulled into its port
And cocaine with you.
I will not snort.

Even though you’re so dashing.
With your pearly big whites
I’m crashing from the nutmeg
I’m falling through your thighs.

My chimney needs not a sweep from you
And it’s so purple will not do

I climb this bridge
Before I fall
You will catch me
Your eyes will catch me

Z time lasses and lads z time.

By SpaceDog